# And my world is love #
# It's only magical #
# It's a beautiful life #
# When my fevered head #
# Felt the world in it #
# It's a beautiful life #
# By the road I'd lay #
# And often hear it say #
# Sew the wounds of your life #
# Throw your TVs out #
# Buy the ring and shout #
# It's a beautiful life #
# Yeah #
# It's all here #
# My beautiful #
# It's your magic carpet ride #
# We're all #
# Since the world has come #
# You're the only one #
# For the rest of my life #
# As my body quits #
# I feel your world in it #
# It's a beautiful life #
# Life #
Oh, God.
Easy, easy, easy, easy.
Cramp! Cramp! Cramp! Cramp!
Fu-- Fucking top five.
That was fucking... top five.
So what are you saying?
Are you saying women have it easier than men?
Look, all I'm saying is that you guys...
women have one certain luxury
that us men just do not have.
Oh, yeah?
And what is this one luxury, might I ask, baby?
Let me get my breath, and I'm gonna tell you.
I'm gonna spell it out for ya.
How do I know it's gonna be pure genius?
Fine.
No matter how I say this, I'm gonna be the fucking asshole,
so I'm just gonna come out and say it, all right?
Sweet!
This whole equality thing...
is crap.
God, you've got a gift for delivery.
It's bullshit. Look, just hear me out.
All I'm saying is that you and I are not equal.
Sure, we all slave away at our dead-end
stupid-ass jobs just like each other.
But there's a difference:
the luxury.
The one luxury that we do not have.
And?
It is not okay for us to be dependent
on someone else.
What? Exactly that.
You can work your ass off.
You can go to college, get a degree,
and get a job just like me.
But what I can't do is say "Fuck it"
and choose to depend on someone else.
Only women have that right.
If I do it, I'm a bum or a gigolo.
If you do it, you're a housewife.
Or even better yet, a domestic engineer.
Give me a fucking break!
You're right. I know.
You're the fucking asshole.
Come on.
Where are you going?
To flush down your demon seeds.
You know, it's incredible to me how someone
who appears to be so smart can be so fucking dumb!
Yeah, well, you're just pissed off
that you know that shit's all true.
Fucking hamstring.
Whatever.
Tell me that it's not.
Whatever! Yeah. You know.
Kiss my ass.
Why is it we always get into these heated discussions
right when we're done having sex?
Maybe because I'm left unsatisfied
and need to take my frustrations out somewhere?
That's not what you were screaming a couple of minutes ago.
Yeah? What was I screaming, big guy?
"Oh, Chris, stop. Chris, stop.
Oh, stop! Chris, please don't stop." Shut up!
Ow! You just hit me in the balls.
Good. You deserve it.
Sit down.
So... So...
When do you think you're just gonna come out and say it?
Say what?
How deeply in love with me you are.
In your dreams.
Baby, it's all right. I know.
Christopher, could you be more full of yourself?
I could.
I just choose to keep my arrogance toned down
around women I'm giving the hot beef injection to.
What are you, in third grade?
What, you don't like "hot beef injection"?
How about my one-eyed snake? My Dodger dog?
My giggle stick?
You're impossible.
I'm cheap and I'm easy. Tell all your friends.
Do you ever stop?
I'll stop when you admit your everlasting love for me.
Well, then you better get comfortable, Mr. Giggle Stick.
Oh, I'm good.
Okay.
Good.
Seriously, Leslie.
I know that...
you have feelings for me.
Where is this coming from?
I mean, I thought we were just having fun here.
Isn't that what you say? We're friends who fuck.
I'm being serious here.
Like, why is that so hard for you to admit?
'Cause we're friends, Christopher.
That's all we ever are, that's all we'll ever be:
friends.
I mean, look at us. It would never work.
You're way too fast for me,
and I'm way too demanding for you, and...
And I like the way things are.
Don't you?
I just thought...
Never mind.
What? No, never mind. You're right.
You couldn't handle me anyway.
Excuse me?
I believe I just handled you three times, if I'm not mistaken.
Is that what you call handling? Yeah.
'Cause I was taking it easy on you.
I send broads to the chiropractor.
God, if only your dick was as big as your ego.
If it was, I wouldn't be able to walk around.
And neither would you, for that matter.
Anyway, I don't hear you complaining.
That's because you never shut up long enough for me to get a word in.
You love my dick as much as you love me.
Oh, shut up!
You know what I think?
Uh-uh, but I'm pretty sure you're gonna tell me.
I think that you're the one who's in love with me
and you're just projecting.
Yeah, that's it! No, I'm ser--
You're trying to get me to admit to loving you
because you're too much of an insecure pussy
to just come out and admit it.
Well, you've obviously put a lot of thought to this.
Actually, no. It was just this brilliant realization that came to me.
Are you saying that...
given the extreme unlikelihood
that I actually did have feelings for you,
that if I were to make those known,
that you would then step to the plate
and acknowledge your undying love for me?
I'm not letting you off the hook like that.
Like what? It doesn't work like that, Christopher.
Love is not negotiable.
Oh, baby, everything's negotiable.
No, not love.
Not love. Love is... a guessing game.
And that's the beauty of it. There's no guarantees.
It's like...diving into a pool of water
without knowing if it's shallow or deep.
And sure, yeah, if it's shallow,
you end up hurt and paralyzed from the neck down.
But if it's deep...
you know...
It's a leap of faith.
It's like throwing yourself out there without any guarantees, dude,
and that's what life's about.
Okay, you know those carnival games, right?
And you know how some of them are really hard to win
and some of them are super easy and everyone wins?
Sure.
Well, it's just that that's the difference
between love and sex.
Sex is the game where everyone
wins a little prize, and no one goes home a loser.
And...love is the game that's really hard to win.
But if you do, and you get to take home
that life-sized stuffed rhinoceros,
it feels a whole lot better than taking home
that shitty little plastic key chain.
Hey.
Yeah?
You've got a fucked-up way of explaining shit.
I mean...fuck!
Good night, Christopher.
Good night.
# She's a little bit cold, she's a little bit bold #
# She's a little bit funny #
# How it feels #
# To be #
# Someone out of control, life's taken its toll #
# When you wanted to see #
# The edge of the universe #
# You want to #
# You need to #
# Surrender #
# Surrender your heart #
# With your life #
# With your soul #
# Surrender #
# Surrender to me #
I love you.
I love you, too.
I'm not gay now, am I?
I don't know. Did you like it?
No. Then no, you're not gay.
But at least now you're sure.
Yeah.
You sore?
A little. It gets better.
Yeah? Yeah.
I don't care.
Whatever.
You know, you don't have to feel bad about this.
About what? About us having fun.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Yeah, I know. I'm just-- I'm not gay, so--
I just saying you don't have to feel bad about it.
Everyone fools around at least once,
whether they admit it or not.
I can't tell you how many straight boys
I've had this same conversation with.
What conversation is that?
The "talk you down from the ledge" conversation.
What ledge, man? What are you talking about?
You frat boys, you're all the same!
You're all caught up in this bullshit machismo world
that is forced upon you,
so you're afraid to have a sensitive side.
Bullshit.
Bullshit my ass. Right now, you're a jumper.
I so wish I knew what the fuck
you were talking about right now.
You're on the ledge ready to jump
'cause you can't deal with the fact
that you liked having sex with a man.
It's true.
And then I come in and I give you this whole shtick about how you're not gay
and everyone does it at least once.
And then eventually, you come back down off that ledge.
But now you're still left with a hint of regret and guilt,
and you push it deep down inside,
and it's locked away, never to be mentioned again.
Just a distant memory that you'll come to deny ever even happened.
It's a college campus cliché.
The homophobic frat boy that loves it in the ass,
but doesn't want anybody to know about it.
It's sad, really.
Not me. Whatever.
I'm not homophobic.
You're kidding me! I'm not homophobic.
Then why keep it a secret?
Because it's nobody's fucking business.
You think I can't read you?
You're the definition of homophobic.
The mere thought of the possibility of you being gay
scares you beyond belief.
You're barking up the wrong tree.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
What the fuck's your problem?
I'm not the one with the problem, boy!
Don't call me "boy," you fucking faggot!
Well, there it is.
I was waiting for it. What?
You just proved my entire point.
'Cause I called you a faggot? Bingo.
What the fuck does that mean, "bingo?" You know what?
I'm really tired, and I'm sick of having
to explain everything to you.
So if you don't mind, I'd rather you just leave.
Why did you do it?
What do you care?
I want to know.
You really want to know why?
Yeah.
Power.
Power?
Yeah.
Power.
Elaborate.
My whole life, starting from grade school
up until the point I came out of the closet,
I was beaten up,
ridiculed, made fun of,
and completely alienated because of the way I was born,
because I'm attracted to guys.
You can't fucking imagine how powerless this makes someone feel,
how powerless I felt.
All through high school, I had to hide who I was
for fear of people finding out the truth.
I even dated girls.
I had sex with them
just so that...
people thought that I was straight,
that I was...normal.
And it tore me up inside.
To the point where...
Never mind.
What?
Nothing. Um...
Forget it. Please. What?
I tried to kill myself, all right?
I tried to commit fucking suicide because...
I couldn't deal with who I was.
I was afraid of people finding out the truth about me.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
I hated myself for who I was.
For who I am.
Kinda pathetic, huh?
No, man, it's not.
Yeah, well, eventually...
once I got to college, I wasn't too different from you.
I-I joined a frat and drank lots of beer
and made the usual homoerotic gay jokes.
Then I met a guy, and...
He wasn't too different from you and me.
He helped me accept who I am.
Just a regular person...
just like everyone else.
And it was kind of crazy because
as soon as I made the decision to come out,
that feeling of powerlessness just vanished.
Granted, I still have to deal with my family and friends, but...
as soon as I made that decision that I was happy,
that I loved myself,
it didn't matter what anyone else thought.
It was like, "Fuck them if they can't deal with it."
I'm gay.
I've always been gay, and I always will be gay.
That's kinda cool, man.
Think I'm like how you are?
I'm not arrogant enough to pretend to know who you are.
You might be like me. You might just be curious.
But either way, whatever you are,
don't try and cater to other people's ideas
of what you should be.
You just be you.
So, are you?
What, gay?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Still trying to figure out if I liked it.
You wanna give it another shot?
Maybe you're a pitcher.
As long as you promise not to tell anyone.
Yeah, why not?
You okay?
I think so.
Did you bleed?
It doesn't look like it.
Did the condom stay on?
Did it feel good?
Yeah!
Did it feel good for you?
I don't know.
It kinda hurt, but towards the end,
I think it started to feel good.
You think?
Well, it all happened so fast.
What do you mean?
It was just over kinda quickly.
It was my first time, too!
Oh, no, I know! I wasn't complaining.
It was... I don't know.
I feel kinda weird just lying here naked with you.
Yeah, me, too.
The only other time a girl's seen me naked
was when Sherry Kelly gave me a blowjob in the 10th grade.
Sherry Kelly sucked your dick?
You didn't know that?
How would I know that?
Everyone at school knows!
I threw up on her.
What?
Yeah. It was my first blowjob.
I came the moment her lips touched my dick.
Anyway, when she was cleaning me up down there...
I got so nervous, I threw up.
On her?
Yeah, all over.
She's never spoken to me since.
So, that's why she doesn't talk to you?
Yep.
I can't believe she told people that.
Well, in her defense,
the only person she told was Becky Matsuhara.
Becky was the evil bitch who told everyone else.
They called me "Pukey Sam the Minuteman"
for a whole year after that.
Constant reminder of just how much high school sucks ass.
I'm sorry.
Eh, don't worry about it. It was a long time ago.
Anyway, Becky got hit by a garbage truck and died
almost a year later to the day.
The universe works in wonderful and mysterious ways.
So, this really was your first time?
Yeah.
What? I don't know.
It's just kinda cool, that's all.
Us losing our virginity together.
Oh, shit!
What? Who is that? I don't know.
I thought you said your parents were at work.
They were. I thought they were. Fuck!
Get dressed really quick. Shit!
Get under the-- Get under the--
I'm hurrying!
Hey. Hi, Mom.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Just...lying down. I'm a little tired.
Well, were you talking to someone?
No.
I mean, yeah. Um, it was Bree.
I just got off the phone with her.
Kristy, what's going on here?
What do you mean?
Did you have someone over here?
No, why? You sure?
Yeah.
Then why does it smell in here?
Mom, I don't know what you're talking about.
Kristy, I want you to swear
that no one was over here.
I swear.
Okay.
Kristy, you know that you can talk to me, right?
Yeah, sure.
I mean about boys and, um...sex.
Mom...
I don't know if your father and I ever had...
that talk with you.
Mom...
You know, the sex talk.
Anyway, it goes like this.
It, um...
When-- When you reach a certain age, you...
you start having feelings and--
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Oh, you do?
Yeah. I've known since the sixth grade.
Don't you remember when I walked in on you and Dad
doing it dressed like Superman and Lois Lane
while Tim, the creepy guy next door,
took notes dressed as Jimmy the reporter?
Oh...yeah.
Well, um...
Good. Right. Uh...
So I'm here if-- if you ever want
to talk to me, all right?
And, um, if you ever...
are going to...
do anything, just please be careful.
And, um...
use, um... you know...
a condom.
Mom. Okay, okay!
I just want you to be...
I just want you to be all right.
I'm fine, Mom, thanks.
Kristy? Yeah?
Better get him out of here before your father gets home.
Shit.
I am so fucked. Are you?
Yeah, and you are, too, unless you get the hell out of here.
Enough said.
What are you doing?
Going out the balcony. What does it look like?
Just go out the front door.
My mom already knows you're here.
I'm not walking past your mom
after she knows we just did it.
You can deal with an entire high school
full of people knowing you threw up during your first blowjob,
but you can't walk past my mom?
Good point.
Nice.
Yeah, it was nice.
Get out of here!
Bye.
# The specialness of today... #
Well, that was nice.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You wanna do it again?
No, not right now. Okay.
I just wanna marinate in this for a while.
You do know this is just casual, right?
Yeah, of course.
Okay. Good.
'Cause I don't want you freaking out on me,
catching feelings and shit.
Look, I'm not into girls.
I just like my pussy licked,
and you like to lick it.
That's our dynamic, no more, no less.
Yeah.
I just want you to get it through your head right now--
No, it's understood.
No feelings whatsoever. Okay.
Anyway, I'm not-- I'm not gay either.
You know, this is...
It's fun.
Okay, whatever.
You don't have to hide the fact that you're gay.
I don't care. I'm not.
Look, you can do whatever you want.
I just don't want you falling in love with me, that's all.
I don't have patience for that type of of bullshit,
man or woman.
Okay.
Nikki, you think I'm gay?
Aren't you?
I mean, I don't know.
Well, anyone that likes pussy as much as you do has got to be gay.
All right! I like guys, too, okay?
Really? When was the last time you were with a guy?
Uh, high school.
Okay. Did you like it?
That's what I thought.
Look, who cares, okay?
You like pussy, I like dicks.
No big deal. Whoa, whoa.
Do you have to be so crude about it?
What's that mean?
I mean, like-- I don't know.
You can be-- You can be...
really abrasive sometimes, you know, that's all.
No, that's the way I talk.
If you don't like it, too fucking bad, okay?
I'm blunt; I call it as I see it.
Really? Yeah.
You're an aspiring rug muncher
who makes me come.
Well, I'm a raging bitch who loves the cock.
That's the reality of the situation.
Look, the only reason I let you go down on me
is because it's been a little slow around the dorms lately.
And well, frankly, I'm a little bored
with the selection of available fuck sticks
around here, okay?
Oh, Jesus, Kat, please, please do not get emotional on me, okay?
I'm not emotional! Yes, you are!
I'm a cunt, and you should know that, okay?
You're my fucking roommate, for Christ's sake!
Have you ever seen me be nice to anyone?
No, no, I guess not.
Okay, exactly.
It's just that...
you're so different when we're fooling around, you know?
Well, yeah! That's 'cause you're getting me off.
Oh, my God! Like...
Well, maybe it's the only time
I'm able to suppress my fucking bitchiness long enough
to appear like a decent human being.
Just in case I haven't made it clear to you,
Kat, I'm not.
All right. Okay.
You do know you're gay, right?
Yeah.
Is that the first time you've ever said that?
What, that I'm gay?
Yeah.
Cool. I'm honored.
Oh, shut up.
Look, Kat, I'm serious, okay?
Look, you're being honest with yourself about who you are.
I don't know. Maybe a little bit of me is rubbing off on you.
Oh, God forbid.
What? As fucked up as I may be,
I must have some redeeming qualities, right?
You definitely have a few.
You are a slut.
I can deal with that. Okay.
Just do me a favor and don't repeat this conversation, okay?
Okay. As long as you don't tell anybody that you give me steady orgasms.
Deal.
Okay.
So, what, you don't want anyone to know?
No, it's not that. It's just...
I want to do it on my own timeline, you know?
And besides, it's nobody's business.
Eventually, I am gonna come out.
Do your parents know? Fuck no.
They would shit a solid gold brick
if they were to find out.
Well, listen to you, Miss Potty Mouth.
Well, it must be sexually contracted.
Oh, meh-maybe!
But okay, I mean, listen, Kat...
what are they gonna do when they find out?
Oh, first, they'll probably disown me.
Then after a while of not speaking to me,
they'll act like they're doing me a favor
by having me explain to them exactly why
I'm making the decision to be gay.
Oh, my God, that is just so fucked up.
Tell me about it.
So what's it taste like anyway?
What?
Pussy.
I don't know.
Seriously, I want to know.
Well..
Wha-- You wanna know.
Oh, come on. I don't want to know that bad, okay?
I'm just curious is all.
Oh.
I don't know. It tastes good.
I like it.
Oh, really? I know you like it, okay?
I just-- I mean, like, what does it taste like?
Look, does it taste like chicken?
Does it taste like potatoes?
I mean, does it taste like tuna?
Don't! Oh, I can't--
No, it-- You know it smells like tuna.
No, it depends, okay? It-- It depends.
It's always a little different and-- and...
I guess a little salty.
And everybody's unique.
What do I taste like?
What-- no--
You asked, Nikki.
I know, but I just...
I just-- I mean, like, I would just assume it's nasty, so--
Why?
It's a moist cavity between your legs, Kat.
A moist cavity? I've nev--
It is, okay?
And it sometimes gets sweaty,
so it sometimes smells.
It's just...
It's just a little gross.
No, it's not. You definitely...
You want it clean.
You honestly want to know what you taste like?
Well, I asked didn't I?
Okay. Come here.
Open your legs.
You taste...
so fucking good.
Okay, I'm no lesbo, but that was really hot.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Almost made me want to go down on you.
Really? Almost.
Uhh! Oh!
I forgot how fun that was!
Well, speak for yourself, old-timer.
I'm gonna hunt down and kill that doctor
who gave you those pills.
Mmwah!
Can I ask you something?
I hate when you do that.
Ask me if you're gonna ask me something.
You're already asking me something
by asking if you can ask me something.
Okay, I'm sorry.
So? Well...
if you had the chance to go back in time and change things--
you know, like, you and I being together,
would you?
Would I change anything if I could go back in time?
Yeah.
No.
God, no.
Gene, I wouldn't change a single thing.
I couldn't have dreamed up a better life
in my best night's sleep.
You're still my knight in shining armor.
Always have been, always will be.
You're just as amazing as the first night I met you.
Who would have thought we would have found love at a gangbang?
Do you remember that key party
where old Walter Cotton couldn't get his pecker out of my ass?
Oh, yeah!
Remember the look on his face?
Oh, sure do! Ho ho!
He was like a helpless pup
locked up with a bitch in heat.
All he was missing was the amused owner
chasing his little water hose.
You remember what his wife Diane said
after he finally got it out?
Oh, yeah. She said, "Who wants pudding?"
Whoa, what's wrong with that crazy woman?
Oh, God! So gross!
Oh, he was a kick in the pants, huh?
And hung like a horse.
You ain't lying.
He had a dick so big it'd choke a donkey.
Looked like a baby's leg, didn't it?
Yeah...a fat baby.
Sex was different back then.
Yeah. Everything was so much more free, you know?
No rules, no ambitions, no jealousies.
Mm-hmm.
No shaved pubic hair. Mm-hmm.
And no diseases that you couldn't take care of
with a visit to the doctor
and a quick shot of penicillin.
Today-- let me tell you something--
these kids gotta wear a coat of armor
before they park their car in any woman's garage.
I would wear three or four.
Yeah, you would.
Do you remember the night
I brought home LouAnn and Cecilia
after the Jefferson Airplane show at the Fillmore?
The summer of 1969. Uh-huh.
I couldn't forget that if I tried.
No matter how long we live,
I'll never be able to repay you for that night.
I didn't know fisting was possible.
Oh, yeah, it's possible.
Hurts like a son of a gun, but it's possible.
That girl was cryin'! "Whaaa!" Yeah.
She had pleasure and pain at the same time.
"Aahhh! Wahhhh!"
Oh, God.
Well, it hurt.
Yeah. "Wahhhh!"
I'd say, damn right it hurt.
Somebody got their fist up your damn thing, girl.
Oh, God!
It won't be feeling good.
Mwah!
What do you think the kids would think
if they knew about us?
What, you mean about our past?
Yeah.
You mean the swapping and the...sex stuff?
Yes, you numbskull.
I swear, sometimes I think
you're as thickheaded as a mule.
You don't have to be so nasty.
Maybe they'll have heart attacks.
You think?
Who would want to think about their parents
doing the bang-bang-bang?
You know, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Daddy got his drawers off,
big old butt sticking up in the air.
Bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang.
Oh, shut up.
I always wondered if they knew.
Nah. No way. Mm-mmm.
Do you think, uh-- You think they'd be ashamed?
I don't know; it's hard to figure out what they think.
Yeah, well, I guess there's no use in worrying about it now.
No use at all. Let me tell you something.
We made our decisions, and we lived through them, and now we're here.
What more can we ask for?
Yeah, you're right.
I know I'm right, baby doll.
Shit, after 40 years of marriage,
you think you would figure that out by now.
35 years, Gene.
40, sugar dumplings.
35, honey bun.
Cupcakes, 40.
Gene? Hmm?
What year were we married?
40 years ago.
You ever think we'd end up here?
What do you mean, "here"?
You know, me, you, together, old?
We're not that old.
Yeah.
We're no spring chickens, I'll tell you that.
Well, we're not old.
Old is Bea Arthur and Bob Hope and...
What's that guy that owns everything?
Ted Turner? Yeah.
They're old. We're not old.
We're...refined.
But Bob Hope is dead.
Yeah, true.
But to answer your question,
I don't know if I ever thought we'd end up here.
I don't know.
I hoped.
Yeah. Me, too.
You know, out of all the other women
I buried my bone in--
and you know me, I buried my bone in a lot of them--
there was never anyone but you.
You've always had a way with words, Gene.
You old sweet thing, you. Come on.
Don't call me old.
Bite you.
Fucking-- Gotta be--
Goddammit! Get off me!
Whoo!
Can't you come a little quicker?
No, bro.
Oh, buddy.
Mm! Oh, fuck, bro.
Man, wow, that was rockin'.
Rock and roll, man!
Put 'er there, buddy.
Aah! That hurts!
Mmm!
Oh, fuckin'...
Uhh! Whoo!
So what do you want to do?
I don't know.
What's everybody else doing, man?
They're going dancing.
They're heading down to Boys Town.
It's '80s night at Rage.
God, our friends are so fucking gay, man.
Tell me about it.
So what do you think? I don't know.
Any other ideas? I don't know.
We could stay up all night
and have sex like rock stars,
keep up the neighbors, sweat...
shake the earth.
Sounds pretty nice, but...I wasn't joking.
My ass kinda hurts.
Wanna go catch a movie or something?
Oh, yeah? What's out?
Not much.
Seems the only entertainment I've been getting
from going to the theater is watching some poor sap pay 12.50
to see some half-assed recycled excuse for a motion picture.
Yeah, man.
Well, we're two of those poor saps, mister.
I wanna drive.
I'm driving.
So, uh, how's this gonna work, man?
What do you mean?
I mean, how's this gonna work?
You mean us? Yes, Bob.
I don't know, Neil. Why do you ask?
'Cause I wanna fucking know, that's why.
Well, I don't have a fucking answer, all right?
My ass is so sore.
Well, don't expect me to be the fucking bitch
in this relationship, you got it?
I'm the butch.
I've always been the butch.
I'll always be the butch.
Neil's the fucking butch, you know what I mean?
Fucking Christ, do we have to have
the State of the Union talk right fucking now?
Yeah. Yeah, we do. What--
I'm no bitch!
Well, that's our problem, Einstein.
Why does it have to be a fucking problem?
'Cause that's the way it fucking works, man.
There's the bitch and there's the butch.
I don't make the rules, okay?
That's so passé.
Passé?
Yes, passé.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we've found ourselves a bitch!
Pull over.
So where were we?
Oh, yeah.
Listen, just because the heterosexual public
has a uniformed stereotype
of what a normal gay couple's dynamic should be
doesn't mean that we, the gay community,
have to abide by their small-minded perceptions
and their inability to think outside the box.
So what are you proposing?
I'm not proposing anything.
I'm just saying that just because people expect
a bitch and a butch doesn't--
that doesn't mean that's the way it has to be.
I mean, look at Ingrid and Sarah.
They're both fucking butch as fuck,
and they've been happily together
for fucking over 5-1/2 years now?
You're right.
Lesbians are so ahead of the curve.
They are. They're on top of their fucking game, man.
And you don't see the two of them feeling bad
for not fitting into the socially expected archetypes
of what a happy gay couple should be.
Neil, I just--
I don't understand why this is bothering you so much.
I don't know, it's just that...
all the gay couples we know,
there's a masculine and a fem.
So?
I don't know, it's just rare that a gay couple
breaks the mold, that's all.
I think you're forgetting
about the first gay couple, man.
Who's that?
R2-D2 and C-3PO.
What are you talking about?
C-3PO was a total bitch.
Oh, Lord, I do hope we make it to the launch pad on time.
Hurry, R2. Hurry.
Faggots, man. Faggot talk.
Yeah, but what was R2, then?
Oh, okay. I think I see where you're going with this.
See? I mean, some can argue that R2 was the bitch,
I mean, for constantly putting up with 3PO's shit.
And continuing to hang out with him
even though the persistent nagging
by that fucking British twat.
You made your point.
But on a small side note,
R2 and 3P0 weren't the fist gay couple.
What? Shut up. Of course they were.
Nope, you're wrong.
Who was it, then?
Gilligan and the Skipper.
Oh, shit! Yeah.
I never thought about it like that.
You never thought about that? You kidding me?
You never noticed the pet name "Little Buddy"?
Come on!
And the fact that Ginger and Mary Ann,
those fine little pieces of ass,
never got any action from either one of them?
They were fucking hot, too.
Yeah, if they only had dicks.
And a mouthful.
Oh, yeah.
So I guess no one has to be the bitch.
Neil, neither of us are capable of being the bitch.
You're the lead singer of a hair band,
and I'm a high school football coach.
We both hate the fuck out of Barbra Streisand.
Shit.
Listen, I don't know how it works,
but it does, all right?
And...I'm not gonna change,
and I know you're not gonna change,
so why should we fucking change, then?
I mean, you're happy, right?
Oh, yeah.
And I'm happy, too. Yeah.
So fuck everyone!
Neil? Yeah?
Thanks.
For what?
For just being you.
Yeah, no problem.
What?
What what?
I'm glad we're together, you know, and...
I'm really glad we...
we can talk the way we do, you know?
I'm just-- I'm...
I've never been able to talk to someone the way I talk to you.
How did this suddenly turn into
an After School Special, man?
Come on, Neil...
just 'cause you're a manly man
doesn't mean you can't have a heart.
Yeah. Be Neil here.
I'm just sayin' I don't...
I just want you to know that...
I appreciate you, you know?
Are you serious?
Yeah, I'm serious.
Cool.
Thanks.
I appreciate you, too, you know.
I'm sorry if I, uh...
don't express my feelings.
It's just-- that's not really my thing, you know?
Jesus, now I sound like I'm an After School Special.
It's okay.
I know your deal.
Why do we do this?
I don't know.
It was good, though.
It's always good.
That was never the problem with us, David.
Yeah, so what was the problem?
The problem is you.
Me?
Yeah, you.
You're emotionally unavailable
and completely unwilling
to open yourself up to anyone.
That is not true.
I'm completely open with Yesenia.
Her name is Yesenia?
Yeah. What's wrong with that?
Nothing. Never mind.
Anyway, that's why we're no longer together,
whether you want to fess up to it or not.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
So you're saying the only reason
that we broke up was because of me?
Yeah.
What about you?
What about me? Hmm, let's see.
You were totally jealous, completely insecure,
and always certain that I was cheating on you.
You were always cheating on me.
Yeah, but you didn't know that.
Here's what your problem is, Jordy.
You are unable to trust anyone.
That's bullshit. I trust Greg.
Wait. His name is Greg, like Greg Brady?
I love that guy.
I used to watch that guy growing up.
I'm a big fan.
Yeah, so? He's nice.
And he doesn't stick his dick in everything that moves.
So I like women? So what?
David, when you're with someone,
you know, together,
the idea is that you're only with them.
I told you my weaknesses from the very beginning.
You also told me you'd change.
You said you loved me.
I did love you.
And yet you still managed to fuck
the majority of my friends,
one in my own bed, no less.
Oh, and this Greg is just the king of monogamy, I presume?
Greg and I have been together for over a year,
and he has not so much as looked at another girl.
That's what you think.
That's what I know.
Greg and I are in love.
Then...why are you here?
Why are you here?
Look, I'm not the one claiming to be in love.
Yesenia's just a... a thing, you know?
She knows the deal.
Oh. So...
she'd have no problem
knowing that you just rented a room in a hotel
so you could fuck your ex-girlfriend?
Don't analyze me. I don't need that shit right now.
Why, 'cause it's the truth?
No, because you're not a fucking psychiatrist.
I'm not paying you a hundred dollars an hour
to figure out what's wrong with me.
You're just mad because you know I'm dead-on.
So what if you're dead-on. What does that prove?
It proves exactly what I said before.
You're fucking delusional, you know that?
If that's not the pot calling the kettle black...
What?
Look, I know what I am, and I'm fine with it.
You, on the other hand, are caught up in this fucking fantasy world
where everyone is who you want them to be,
but not who they are.
The truth hurts, don't it?
Fuck you.
Aw. Now you're gonna get all mad at me
because I told you the truth
after you blasted me out of the water with your judgment?
Fuck you.
And you wonder why I left.
Oh, that's rich. That's good, Jordy.
You left. Well, that's not really the way that I remember it.
But that's okay. We can go back and rewrite the book of "David and Jordy."
Oh, just shut up, okay?
Okay.
You don't still have feelings for me?
No, of course not. I am so over you.
Okay, well, you never answered me, then.
Why are you here?
You never answered me either.
With what? Why are you here?
Jesus Christ, Jordy.
I thought we pretty much covered this, didn't we?
Okay, to paraphrase the long and tedious subject
that we just discussed, I am a womanizer, okay?
I like all different types of women.
I like the way that they smell.
I like the way that they taste.
I like the way that they fuck!
The problem is I find it hard
to stay loyal or honest to one particular woman
at one particular time.
There, I said it. Fine. Are you happy?
Now why are you here?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
Look, are you happy with...Tom?
John? What the fuck is his name again?
Greg. Yeah, Greg.
Aren't you happy with Greg?
Yeah. I mean, yes, I am.
Then why?
I don't have an answer.
I don't fucking know, all right?
All right, Jesus. No need to get hostile.
I was just wondering,
since we're in such an honest mood here tonight,
laying naked beside one another,
just having shared the most intimate of body fluids,
I thought we could just kind of...wshhhh,
just get everything out in the open.
Look, we know why I'm cheating on my girlfriend,
because I'm a piece of shit.
But at least I know what I am,
and I'm honest with myself about it.
Yeah, unfortunately, you're the only person
you have the ability to be honest to.
It's only because I'm compassionate.
What the fuck are you talking about?
The only reason that I lie to women
is to protect them from being hurt.
Oh, my God!
You drive me fucking crazy!
I mean, it's just-- it's amazing to me
how you can justify your lying and womanizing
by believing that you're doing us women a favor.
Like we couldn't handle the truth.
Well, could you?
I don't know.
But at least we wouldn't end up with broken hearts.
I mean, you think you're doing us a favor?
You think you're being compassionate
by letting us think that we're the only ones?
No, you're the one that's fucking delusional, David.
All you're doing is delaying the process.
Sneaking behind our backs,
fucking anything with a pair of tits and three holes,
eventually making us look like idiots, breaking our spirits.
That is not compassionate, David.
That is fucking evil.
Evil?
Yeah, evil.
And the sad thing is
you can't even comprehend why it's evil
because you've never had to feel anything.
It must be so nice to be as numb to the world as you,
protected and sheltered by your own shallowness.
So much so that you don't even realize what you're doing
is downright wrong.
You done?
Why are you such an asshole?
I don't know.
It's a gift.
No, it's just sad.
I mean, I can't expect you to understand
what it feels like to be heartbroken.
You wanna know why?
Why?
'Cause you don't have a heart.
By the way, I lied.
It is small.
# And still I rise #
# Like the sun I'll shine #
# Oh, and still I rise... #
Oh, yeah.
Uh...
What's your name again?
Alanna.
Ah.
What was yours?
Uh, Marco.
Oh.
It's nice to meet you again.
Yes.
You, too. R-Really.
Where, uh-- Where are you from?
Arkansas. Huh?
This little town outside of Little Rock.
Um...Little Rock?
Yeah, it's one of the bigger cities in Arkansas.
Oh.
No, no, never heard of it.
Where are you from, Mexico or something?
Uh, well, I'm Spanish, and, uh...
I'm from Madrid.
Is-- What part of Mexico is that in?
Oh, no, it's-- it's in Spain.
I know, but isn't that in Mexico?
No, it's in Spain.
It's a country?
In Europe?
Oh! Okay, like, by England.
Y-Yeah, kind of.
What, um-- What language do they speak there?
Spanish.
I know, but isn't that what they speak in, um--
in, uh...Mexico?
Yes, but the language--
uh, the language originated in Spain.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm positive.
Yes. Positive.
Hmm. See, 'cause I have a...
I have a Mexican friend,
and he speaks Spanish.
So is tonight your first night at the Spider Club?
No. No, I've been there quite a bit.
You? No, I'm there all the time.
I'm surprised I've never seen you there.
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
What's your favorite, uh...
color?
My favorite color.
Um, I don't know. Gray, I guess.
Oh, no, see, gray's not a color.
Sure it is.
I have a gray sweater.
Oh.
So what do you do?
I'm an actor.
Really?
Yeah, well, an aspiring actor.
Would I have seen you in anything?
Probably not, no. Oh.
Oh-- Well, actually, I was Cholo #3
in an episodio of Oz one time.
Oh, cool! Yeah.
Yeah, my agent, he says that, uh--
He says that things are going to be
picking up for me very soon.
Really?
Well, he says I have a unique quality
that sets me apart from the pack.
Hmm.
It's only a matter of time, he says,
before I get my big break.
Cool.
He describes me as the next, uh...
the next Antonio Banderas.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I love that guy.
I love Fantasy Island.
Oh, so good. Yeah.
What do you do?
I'm a model.
See, I would have guessed that.
Really?
You look like a model.
Thanks. Mm-hmm.
What kind of modeling do you do?
Um...
Mostly print. Mm-hmm.
Adult stuff, you know.
Really? Yeah.
Just for now, till I can find
something better to do.
Oh. It's cool.
Would I have seen-- seen you in something?
Maybe. Do you ever pick up the L.A. Express?
That's, uh--
That's the paper that advertises for hookers.
Uh...yeah.
Call-- Call girls or something?
They're escorts.
S-Sorry. Sorry.
Actually, yeah. I've seen it--
I've seen it a couple of times.
I had-- I had this--
You are not a...
you're not a professional, though, are you?
Yeah! What?
Yeah, I'm an escort from time to time.
Why didn't you say something?
'Cause you just asked me right now.
I mean, I just fucking went down on you.
Jesus Christ, don't you think that's something
you should tell someone before you--
you sleep with them?
No.
You didn't tell me what you did before you slept with me.
That's different, okay?
I-I don't sleep with random people for money.
You're not upset, are you?
A little bit.
Oh, jeez.
You don't have something, do you?
Like what?
Like a fucking disease or something.
No.
No way. I make all the guys wear condoms.
It's my number one rule.
Oh, Jesus.
My fucking dong is going to mush up and fall off.
Come on, don't be angry.
What were you doing at the club tonight?
Shouldn't you be out working or something?
Silly. Escorts like to party, too.
Besides, it's a good place to pick up work.
Oh, my God.
You don't expect me to pay for this, do you?
No. I liked it.
I like sex just like the next person, you know?
That's why I do what I do.
Can we not-- Let's not talk about it, okay?
Just be careful, yeah?
I don't know why you get so uncomfortable about it.
It's kinda cute.
And you're for real, huh?
Yeah, I mean, it's not like I sleep with that many more men
than every other stupid girl at the club.
I'm just smart enough to get paid for it.
But you're selling yourself.
You're ashamed, no?
No. Why should I be?
I like what I do, and until something more promising comes along,
then I'm happy getting paid to have sex.
I like to do the boopsy.
Were you abused as a child or something?
No!
How-- How long have you been doing this?
Um-- Right here.
Since I moved here.
I was waiting tables, and this guy made me an offer.
And was he serious?
Mm-hmm.
Yep. He offered me a thousand bucks to come home with him.
Oh, Jesus. A thousand bucks.
So I did it. Oh, he was so cute.
And he was nice.
I would have went home with him for free if he would have asked,
but I figured I'd make me some money, you know?
Hmm.
After that, you know, I told my friend,
and we both decided to quit waiting tables
and do it for a living.
Not too bad. It's honest work.
I offer a service and I get my rocks off
in the meantime, so it works out for everyone.
Ooh!
I'm home, honey!
Jesus.
Uh, don't you come across the scumbags, huh?
Sometimes, but...
that's where this comes in.
Oh, Jesus! Okay.
What, don't they have guns in Mexico?
Mexico, they're all about the guns,
but in Spain, no.
Okay...be careful with that, huh?
Don't be scared. I know how to handle a gun.
I've been shooting since I was six.
Okay, uh...
Put it-- Put it in the bag.
Zip, zip, zip, zip, zip it in the bag, okay?
Put it away.
Aw, you're scared.
Anyway, I try not to worry too much,
'cause I'm a pretty, uh--
I'm a pretty good judge of character, you know?
Hey!
I trusted you, didn't I?
Ay.
Anyhoo,
I don't worry too much.
I do what I want to do,
and if I'm not feeling it, I don't.
Oy.
Are you all right?
Oy, I-- I don't know.
Hey, look, don't let it bother you, okay?
I promise, I am clean.
I use protection.
Look, I'm just a normal person like you
except for I get paid to fuck.
Okay, okay.
Could you please stop saying that, yes?
What are you doing in there?
I-- I'm cleaning up.
Okay.
Oy.
How-- How old were you when you first had the sex?
12.
Yes-- Yes, 12. Okay.
Um...
12? Yeah, 12.
Okay. With-- With who?
Uh, my Uncle Danny.
You fucked with your Uncle Danny?
Yeah, but I thought it was my cousin.
Oh-- Oh, Jesus.
What can I say? It was dark in my room.
Okay, but you thought it was your cousin.
Yeah, well, me and my cousin,
we've always fooled around.
Why-- I told you I was from Arkansas.
What is that supposed to mean?
It's just it's not that uncommon of a thing, that's all.
At least it wasn't my dad.
What the fu-- Oh, God.
This is-- This is too much for me.
Calm down. It was a long time ago.
No, no, everything.
First, you're a girl who's laying in bed next to me,
and then you're an escort who's laying in bed next to me.
Now you're an escort who fucked her uncle
who she thought was her cousin
is laying in bed next to me!
This is too fucked for me!
Relax.
What is it? Relax? Huh, relax?
You want me to relax?
How the fuck am I supposed to relax?
I don't even know who the fuck you are,
and I just put my dick inside you for... over an hour.
Well, maybe you should think twice
before you take a stranger home
and have sex with her.
You know, look at you.
You don't even realize how incredibly fucked the situation is, huh?
Why don't you just relax? You'll get over it.
No. No, I will not get over it, okay?
Having sex with an escort is not something I get over.
I have never paid for the sex in my life.
I already said this one was on the house.
You don't get it, do you, huh?
Come on.
Relax. Didn't we have fun?
I thought we were having fun.
Did you really fuck your uncle?
Yes, but I told you I thought it was my cousin.
Oh, God! Why, why--
Why do you keep saying that
like it's supposed to make me feel better, huh?
Well, doesn't it?
I mean, what if I fucked my uncle knowingly?
Now that's gross.
You are twisted, you know that?
No, I'm not twisted. I'm honest, okay?
I mean, most girls would have lied.
If you had asked them what they did for a living, they would have lied.
They would have said they were a runway model
for Gucci or Dolce or some bullshit.
I'm not ashamed of what I am, okay?
Just 'cause you got your hang-ups,
don't take them out on me, Buster Brown.
Buster Brown?
Buster? What-- What...
What is this Buster--
You are the craziest person
I've ever met in my life, you know?
You got another round in you?
Another round?
What-- What was that? What was that?
You got another round in you?
Another round, huh?
Are you completely oblivious
to everything that's just taken place here, huh?
What is this?
What the fuck is so funny, huh?
What is so-- What is so funny?
What--
You don't laugh at me!
You come into my house-- Just relax!
I was just fucking with you.
What?
I was fucking with you.
I'm not an fucking escort.
What? What is this?
You're-- You're not an escort?
No.
Are you serious? Yeah!
You should have seen your face when I said I fucked my uncle!
Your-- Your eyes, like, bugged out.
Okay, wait, wait, All of this, this is--
It was bullshit.
It was complete bullshit.
The gun. What about the gun?
This is--
It's a lighter.
You-- It's a fucking lighter.
You're pulling-- You're pulling my chain, eh?
No, I'm serious. Look.
Okay, this--
I mean, it's bad-- it's bad enough
that you're being a hooker,
but the whole "fucking your uncle," that's--
I know. It's so fucked.
That's just fucking disturbing.
This is a-- This is a lighter?
You're not an escort, huh?
No. But I mean, come on,
would it have all really mattered, though?
I mean...
Yeah, I think-- Yes, I...
So...
what-- what do you really do, huh?
I'm an actress.
Oh, Jesus.
# Three, four #
# All right # # Yeah #
# Aaahhhh #
# Who's ready to rock? # # Me #
# Who's ready to rock? # # They are #
# All night #
# Who's ready to rock? # # That guy #
# Who's ready to rock? # # Over there #
# Who's ready to rock? # # Better get him #
# All night long #
# I want to show all the people here tonight #
# I mean to rock you all fuckin' night #
# I will do this just using the mic #
# Rockin' and rollin' #
# In the night #
# I want all the people all around the world #
# You'd better hide #
# Oh, you're easy, girl #
# 'Cause we're a-comin' to give them all a whirl #
# Right after this beer #
# I'm coming 'round #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# Ahhhh #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# All night long #
# Who's ready to rock? #
# All night long #