灾难大电影 Disaster MOVIE 此片是恶搞界的集大成制作， 恶搞了最近大量的最近的美国 电影，部分小弟看过的会给出提示 不过好多没看过就不知道了，看过 的朋友肯定能体会，总之，超级搞笑
本片中文字幕由杨昌荣先生翻译，版权归漂亮的老婆 张红云和儿子杨若天，商业使用授权费每次谨收 一千万美元或者5瓶啤酒，批发有95折优惠，ycr1971@tom.com联络
10,001年以前(史前一万年-恶搞)
哦，该死 Oh, shit.
你这该死的野蛮人 You just got Wolfed.
什么？我的地盘我做主 - What?- That is an official trademark...
这地方，我已经到国土局注册了 ...that I am getting registered.
所有材料我都上报了，你要进入这个区域 It's a lot of stuff you gotta do, hoops you gotta jump through.
必须先通过互联网 Gotta get on the Internet.
去到傻逼网先注册成为一个网名 Gotta go to some stupid-ass website where you register a catch phrase.
我喜欢“骗子”，但已经被Emril抢注了 I wanted "Bam,"but Emeril had taken it.
来练练，男人，起来，男人，起来，男人 I'm rambling, man. Get up, man. Get up, man.
准备好开始决斗了吗？ Is the contender ready?
好了，准备好开始决斗了吗 - Ready.- Is the gladiator ready?
3，2，1 Three, two, one.
这野人开始进入状态了 Things are heating up for the Wolf.
我刚刚开发了一个绿色食品项目 I just opened a Target in Reseda...
有自己的商标BBQ美味酱 ...and my own brand of BBQ sauce.
我叫它野人BBQ美味酱，是旅行居家之良品 I'm calling it Wolf's BBQ Sauce, available in regular and chipotle.
你还想要吗？再多来点吗？ You still going? You still want more of this, man?
我从东部大陆引进这些产品 I learned that in Oriental land.
哦，美利坚合众国 Whoa, yeah. U.S. A!
无论如何，这些产品胆固醇都很低 They're so small anyway, from steroids.
一个长牙族 A saber-tooth.
酒馆Amy？（没看过） Amy Winehouse?
快滚蛋 Piss off.
你别想带着你的马子直接走出这里 You don't wanna mess with a bitch straight out of rehab.
听着，就像恐龙在冰河期那样灭绝一样 Listen, like the dinosaurs being destroyed by the Ice Age...
你们，也会很快绝种 ...you, too, will soon be extinct.
什么时候？ When?
我们还有多少时间？该死的地狱 - How much time do we have? - Bloody hell.
冷静一下，你看你说话这么快.. Just calm down. Do you know you're speaking so fast...
我听不见了，伙计？你让我头痛了 ...I can't even hear, mate? You're making my head hurt.
也许是我汽油喝多了 Or maybe that was the gasoline I drank.
哦，天哪，真过瘾，哦天哪，我爱汽油 Oh, my God, it was good. Oh, God, I love drinking gasoline.
对声带很有好处 It's excellent for the vocal cords.
是我的小秘密 That's my little secret.
别客气，我们还有多少时间？ - You're welcome. - How much time do we have?
让我看看 Let me see.
等一下下 Hang on a bit.
我来看看 There we go.
好的，让我们来搜一下 All right, let's have a look-see.
人人都这个表情 Everyone's on Facebook.
上面说... It says...
...世界末日是2008年8月29号 ...that the end of the world will be August 29th, 28.
哦，天哪 Oh, God.
干杯 Bottoms up.
想呕 Sick.
记着我的话，小野人 Mark my words, leather boy.
穴居人 Cave dweller.
小猎人 Beaver hunter.
你们的末日，是它带来的（恶搞水晶人头骨） Your doom lies with this.
水晶人头骨，对了，你感觉紧张吗？ - The crystal skull. - That's right. Did your nibblies go tight?
对，他们干的，他们让它长在你体内，不是吗？ Yeah, they did. Just went up inside you, didn't they?
哦，伙计 Oh, boy.
我知道，我肯定是吃太多Ambien了 I knew I shouldn't have taken all those Ambien.
Amy，醒醒，宝贝，我刚到做了个奇怪的梦 Amy. Wake up, baby.I just had the weirdest dream.
Amy.
什么？什么来的..? What? What the...?
Flava-Flav! Yeah, boy!
我刚才给了你女朋友一个Flavor的爱 I've been giving your girl the flavor of love.
她整晚上吸我的闹钟 She's been sucking my clock all night long.
快他妈滚出去，Flava? Get the hell out of here, Flava!
我是Flava-Flav I'm Flava-Flav!
怎么回事？什么？ - What is that about?- What?
你说你不想和我发生关系 You said you didn't wanna be in a relationship.
我知道，但是Flava? I know, but Flava?
Will...
我想去到另一个层次 ...I wanna take it to the next level.
我爱你 I love you.
我也喜欢你 I like you too.
Oh, man.
瞧，你还不明白 Look, you don't understand.
我想这个世界末日快到了 I think the world is coming to an end.
就是说，你对此负有责任 That's a way of saying you have commitment issues.
难以置信，起来，Jojo Unbelievable. Come on, Jojo.
还有Jojo? You're taking Jojo?
再见 Goodbye, Will.
你还会来我的16岁甜蜜派对吗？ Are you still coming to my Sweet 16 party?
你25了 You're 25.
我还没到呢，长大吧 - I never had one. - Grow up.
Yeah.
- Hey. - Yeah.
Amy,你来了 Amy, you came.
过来 Come on.
Oh, hey, Will.
甜蜜16快乐，谢谢 - Happy Sweet 16.- Thanks.
给你来给过瘾的 Take a look at these.
哦，天哪 Oh, God.
嗨，Will,我是你的哥们，Phil医生(好像是沉默的羔羊里的) Hey, Will. It's your buddy, Dr. Phil.
嗨，让我给你展示为什么我们黑帮的兄弟 Hey, let me show you why my frat brothers...
曾经叫我Phil医生 ...used to call me Dr. Phil-You-Up.
Oh, hey, baby.
同性恋，回来，我喜欢粗暴 Dyke. Come back here, I like it rough.
嗨，will,你女朋友去哪儿了，Amy? Hey, Will, where's that girlfriend of yours, Amy?
别让她跑了 Don't let her get away.
她的确是个好女孩，真正的管家婆，就像这个 She's a real quality girl, a real keeper, like that one.
嗨，快回来，你这荡妇 Hey, come on back here, you whore.
谢谢 Thanks.
Yo!
来打扮一下这个小屁眼，他晕过去了 Let's prank his ass. He passed out.
睡的像个婴儿（恶搞老无所依－08奥斯卡） He's sleeping like a baby.
我们能帮他弄点热水（恶搞老无所依－08奥斯卡） We can put his hands in warm water.
我有个好主意 Or I have a better idea.
叫醒他，反面 - Call it. - Tails.
是反面 It is tails.
打孔 Punch.
怎么了，宝贝？ What's up, baby?
那些家伙想偷我的酒 Those guys are trying to steal our booze.
什么？我们必须准备很多酒 - What? - We gotta get the alcohol...
...把那些女孩灌醉，这样我们就和她们睡（恶搞男孩不坏） ...so we can get the girls drunk so we can finally get laid.
我是McLover I am McLover.
哦，知道。我是Mclover - Yeah, I know.- I am McLover.
别讲这些恶心的事，我是Mclover - Stop saying that.- I am McLover.
天哪，你真是扫兴 God, you are such a douche.
耶，假ID，什么？ Yeah, fake ID, what?
快拿酒 Just get the booze.
没人敢偷我的酒 Nobody tries to steal my Goldschl鋑er.
射了他算了 Shoot the target.
Lisa,我怎么射啊？太多人挡住视线 Lisa, how am I supposed to do that? I don't even have a clear shot.
让子弹拐弯，说什么？（古墓丽影*好像是） - Curve the bullet.- Say what?
你能控制子弹，按照你想的路线行进（古墓丽影？） You can control the bullet to go wherever you want.
别对他指手画脚，他是我马子 Don't tell him what to do. He's my man.
弹开，婊子，你别想拦着我 Back off, bitch. You don't want none of me.
该死的 Shit.
Get off of me.
起来，婊子 Come on, bitch.
看这招，婊子 Take that, bitch.
喜欢这样吗？ How do you like that?
漂亮的小东西，哦，看看你躺的样子 Pretty little thing. Oh, look at you laying there.
我应该亲亲你，给我一个吻吧，宝贝 I should kiss you. Give me a kiss, baby.
放脚，黄色 Left foot, yellow.
Calvin?
Calvin.
你想想不想让子弹拐弯？你好? - Are you gonna curve the bullet or what? - Hello?
是，是，对，对 Yeah. Yeah, right, right.
一个医学团队，那就是为什么你要泡我，Horny There's a medical term for what you do to me: Horny.
该死，对不起，Phil - Damn. - Sorry, Phil.
该死，我能...我能做这个 Shit. I can... I can do this.
该死，快点，伙计 - Shit. Hurry up. - Dude.
只不过让子弹拐弯 Just curve the bullet.
我知道你有这个能力 I know you have the power.
他妈的快点，快点 Fucking hurry up. Hurry up.
好枪法，屁眼 Nice shot, asshole.
Juney,为什么你不去做人工流产？ Juney, why won't you Have an abortion?
你违法了基督教的教义 You're not exactly part of The Christian Coalition
那是我生命里唯一的希望 I could just grab a wire hanger And do it myself
就想Jamie Lynn Spears我要保住这孩子 Like Jamie Lynn Spears I'm keeping this baby
看，你没有了George Clooney And, look, stud You are no George Clooney
事实上，我把孩子在eBay上卖给了出价最高的人 In fact, I just sold the baby To the highest bidder on eBay
你是个疯婆，像个30几的大婶.. You're a sarcastic teen Who talks like she's 30...
想想Amy今晚过来没有？哥们，不知道 - Think Amy's coming tonight? - Man, I don't know.
那是你的女朋友 That's your girlfriend.
其实，我们分手了 Actually, we broke up.
哦，你应该去抢个新的战利品 Oh, you want some new booty.
一个亚洲小妹，不 - A little Asian freak. - No...
一个“曼谷之夜”，一个sake-sake（日本妞） A little "One Night in Bangkok," a little sake-sake.
我看过“艺妓回忆录”，我知道很过瘾 I saw Memoirs of a Geisha. I know that shit goes on.
我爱她 I'm in love with her.
那么你这屁眼为什么和她分手？ Then what your dumb ass break up with her for?
我们从来没做过爱 It never would've worked out.
就为这事，她感到受了伤害 It's better to end it than to end up hurting her.
你知道为什么？你要有承诺，死狗 You know what? You got commitment issues, dog.
哦，我不确定该怎么让自己长大 Well, I didn't exactly have the best example growing up.
我甚至没见过我老爸，我还小他就离开了 I never even knew my dad. He split when I was young.
你马子刚好在哪儿 That's your girl right there.
她带的那小子是谁？ Who's that dude she with?
她开始和CalvinKlein，一个内衣模特约会 She started dating some Calvin Klein underwear model.
忘了她吧，哥们，我给你点开心的东西 Forget about her, man. I got something that'll cheer you up.
恶搞-青春歌舞
哥们，怎么会有军乐队? Dude, what is up with the marching band?
多好的方式来庆祝你这傻瓜的甜蜜16岁.. What better way to celebrate your super-duper Sweet 16...
比高中校园音乐强多了 ...than with a high school musical?
今晚，今晚，我们要真的快乐 Tonight, tonight We're gonna get real crunk
今晚，今晚，要打得屁滚尿流 Tonight, tonight, A bum's peeing in the punch
你好，我的朋友们，你们都在派对 Hello, my friends You're all at my party
看你们大家多开心 It's so good to see all of you
我的超级女孩，Amy,我们的男主角，Calvin My ex-girl, Amy And my main man, Calvin
连牧师都也来骚扰我 And the priest that molested me too
这一刻提醒我，我是个大学生 That reminds me Of the time I was in college
我做试验 I was experimenting
钓上一个外国交换生 Hooking up with a hot Foreign-exchange student
我想她的名字叫Hop Sing I think his name was Hop Sing
我们永远是朋友 We'll all be friends forever
不如来给天灾，毁了这个城市 Unless a random disaster Destroys the city
我们永远是朋友 We'll all be friends forever
因为要是发生了，我将非常勇敢 Because if that happened It'd be kind of shitty
1，2，3，4 One, two, three, four
当我们分手，我找到这些真正硬汉 After we split I took the break-up real hard
我要开始干到处游荡，到处游荡 - I started foolin' around - Foolin' around
我钓上一个黑小子，我想他叫Kanye I did a black dude I thought he was Kanye
Jonas的兄弟们都下来了 And the Jonas Brothers all got down
现在你们分开，我要让她的渔船收网了 Now that you're split I'll get her hooked on the reefer
耶，我要开始给她这个 Yeah, I'll start pimping her out
等等，什么？ - Wait, what? - Hey, hey, now.
我现在要好好修整一下 Snoop Dogg's got nothin' on this playa
我将要得到第一个大奖，在Playa's Ball I'll get the first prize at the Playa's Ball
Hey, hey, man, whoa!
开始吧，我们能整天这样 Yeah, it's going on and on We can do it all day long
那是个新现象 It's the new phenomenon, whoa!
开始了，那是个新现象 Yeah, it's going on and on It's the new phenomenon
我们永远是朋友 We'll all be friends forever
不如发生个天灾，毁了这个城市 Unless a random disaster Destroys the city
我们永远是朋友 We'll all be friends forever
要是发生了，我们会很勇敢 Because if that happened It'd be kind of shitty
1，2，3，4 One, two, three, four
J.T.'s 在这儿. J. T!
Oh, babe
要是我的歌声动听 If I sang you a melody
就把你的短裤扔过来（恶搞变相怪杰－金凯瑞） Would you toss me Your panties?
我不是个自夸的人 I don't mean to be a boastful man
我跟着音乐旋转我的舞姿 But I've done groupies in my touring van
Britney, Cameron, Scarlett too
他们都喜欢品尝我的奶酪 They all like a taste of my fondue
来吧想想看，我有个这么大的屁股 Come to think of it I've had so much ass
都离开了我，Lance Bass All that's left for me is Lance Bass
看，各位，是Jessica Simpson Look, everyone. It's Jessica Simpson.
我的大波是给Jesus的 My boobs are for Jesus
全给他，全是Jesus的 All of this, all for Jesus
把你的短裤穿上，爸爸 Put your pants back on, Dad.
走，Romo!哦，我的天， Go, Romo! Oh, my God.他们一定是篮球选手 He's gonna score a basket goal.
等等，为什么还要叫？哦，糟糕，我都忘词了 Wait. What's it called again? Oh, my gosh, I totally forget.
是什么，按摩? What is it, a rubdown?
什么？罚球 What? A tickle down.
哦，触地得分 Oh, a touchdown.
操你妈的 Frigging jinx.
糟糕 Gosh.
我们永远是朋友 We'll all be friends forever
不如让来个天灾，毁灭这个城市 Unless a random disaster Destroys the city
我们永远都是朋友 We'll all be friends forever
如何发生，我们会很勇敢 Because if that happened It'd be kind of shitty
1，2，3，4，万岁 One, two, three, four, hooray!
发生了什么？ What's going on?
那是他妈的什么？ What the hell was that?
这是紧急警报 This is an emergency broadcast.
闭嘴，各位，听着 Shut up, everybody. Listen.
有东西在摇晃这个城市 Something has jolted the city.
我们得到报告，可能发生地震或其他类似灾难 We're getting reports it could be an earthquake or some shit like that.
哦，见鬼 Oh, shit.
地震专家找到了地震中心，在trendy loft区 Seismologists have marked the epicenter at a trendy loft district...
哪里吸引了很多二十几岁的人 ...whose residents are attractive twenty somethings...
用80年代的破音乐在跳舞 ...who dance to bad '80s music...
穿着Abercrombie & Fitch衣服，好像还喝Lingt啤酒 ...wear Abercrombie & Fitch, and like to drink light beer.
哦，天哪，我们都会死 Oh, God, we're all gonna die!
别失态，Fabio Take a Xanax, Fabio.
你是个硬汉，充满男子气 You're wigging harder than a smack addict at an Iggy show circa '73.
什么？ What?
It's cool, Moe Dee. Sir Cries-a-Lot.
你完全让我感到恶心 You're totally giving me the stink eye.
据说，你那东西很大 FYI, Battlecrotch Galactica...
你那东西比Cornelius的硬 ...you're grape smuggling harder than Cornelius...
在人猿星球，最原始的，不像Tim Burton' ...in Planet of the Apes. The original, not Tim Burton's.
在BT-dubs，我曾经看见一个纸箱像这样 And BT-dubs, I haven't seen a six-pack like that...
自从我和Molson干了那个事 ...since I shotgunned Molson Golden at Lollapalooza.
我不你在说什么 I don't understand a thing you're saying.
那是因为我说，过渡的写，过渡聪明就是愚蠢 That's because I speak in overly written, clever-for-clever's-sake quips.
该让这海猴子喝醉了 Time to get this sea monkey plastered.
这是紧急警报 This is an emergency broadcast.
Amy,你没事吧？ - Amy. Are you okay? - Yeah.
为什么你要带其他人来我的派对？ Why did you bring another guy to my party?
为什么你要在乎？因为 - Why do you care? - Because I...
我不允许 I don't.
那我走了 I'm out of here.
再见，婊子 Later, bitch.
你知道吗，Will? You know what, Will?
每次我们做爱，我脑子里都是想着其他人 Every time we made love, I was thinking about another guy.
哦，是我吧 Well, so was I.
该死。Will - Damn it. - Will!
你要听听这个 You gotta hear this.
地震主要是释放出毒气，已经摧毁了犹太区 The quake erupted a gas main and destroyed the ghetto.
我还活着，哦，不 - I can live with that. - Oh, hell, no.
混蛋，我们现在又有报告.. - Cracker. - We're now getting reports...
外星飞船出现在天空 ...that asteroids are falling out of the sky and...
世界末日了 End of the world.
城市刚刚被摧毁 And a Pinkberry has just been destroyed.
和我梦里的一样 It's like my dream.
我报告，一个城市刚刚被摧毁 I repeat, a Pinkberry has just been destroyed.
恶搞世界大战
上帝，到底发生了他妈的什么？ God, what the hell's happening?
我想是天兆，在圣经的Armageddon篇章 - I think it's the apocalypse. - It's Armageddon.
我想我只是在骗自己 I think I just shit myself.
快跑 Let's go.
哦，上帝，Hannah Montana死翘翘了 Oh, my God. Hannah Montana's dead.
哦，不 Oh, no.
再见了，我的粉丝们 Well, goodbye, all my fans.
继续摇摆 Keep rocking.
她是个国宝 She is a national treasure!
还要，提醒我父母.. Also, remind your parents...
收好我的官方Hannah Montana午餐合 ...to pick up your official Hannah Montana lunchbox...
Hannah Montana干酪板 ...Hannah Montana cheese grater...
Hannah Montana卫生纸 ...and Hannah Montana toilet paper.
记得收听我的蒙大拿夏季音乐会 And be sure to tune in to my Summer in Montana concert...
这个星期三，中间八排七座 ...this Wednesday, 8, 7 Central.
为了买这两张票我排了两天的队 I waited in line for two days for these tickets.
该死 Damn.
还有，我那些非常性感和暴露的照片 And let me just say, those totally sexy and utterly provocative pictures of me...
在未经我许可的情况下，从我的个人空间被流出 ...were leaked onto MySpace completely without my permission.
但你留意这些照片 But if you'll notice in those pictures...
我穿的新的性感的 ...I'm wearing my new line of sexy...
Hannah Montana贴身内衣，就是今天采访这件 ...Hannah Montana lingerie, now available at Target.
哦，上帝，Hannah Montana其实是的Miley Cyrus Oh, my God. Hannah Montana is really Miley Cyrus.
哦，妈的，私家侦探 Well, duh. No shit, Sherlock.
我戴着假发，改变我的声音温柔点 All I do is wear a wig and change my voice a little bit...
那些哑巴说不出有什么不同 ...and those dumb kids can't tell the difference.
然后我得到双倍的工资和实物 Then I get twice the pay and twice the merchandise.
记住，我的新CD马上要出版了 Just a reminder, my new CD comes out.
Miley Cyrus: 未成年.
现在在商店里能买到，重要的歌曲是我爸爸写的，Billy Ray It's available in stores now. Featuring songs from my dad, Billy Ray.
仅售9.95元 Only 9.95.
大家能帮助我们一下吗？ Can somebody help us?
有谁能帮帮忙吗？ Isn't there anybody that can help?
嘿，汉克(全民超人恶搞) Hey, Hancock.
汉克 Hancock?
我们需要帮助 We need help.
醒醒，你这个醉鬼 Wake up, you drunk mother fucker.
让你的大屁股起来，飞起来，去干该干的（全民超人恶搞） Get your punk ass up, fly down there, and fix that shit.
小屁眼 Asshole!
哦，骇，不 Oh, hell, no.
大威力要离开这里 Big Willie's out of here.
我需要再喝点 I need a drink.
后天－恶搞
伟大的狗屎 Holy shit!
走这边，我们该怎么办？ - It's coming this way. - What should we do?
过来，伙计们，快离开这儿，快跑 - Come on, guys. Let's get out of here. - Let's go!
走这儿，去那边，快，快点 This way. Over here. Come on. Come on.
走，走，走 Go, go, go.
我们现在该怎么办？宝贝，我不知道 - What are we gonna do now? - Baby, I don't know.
看，我们只是 。。 Look, we'll just...
我们应该待在这儿，直到暴风雪过去 We'll wait out the storm here until it passes by.
Hey.
这是我们的藏身之所 This is our hiding place.
迷路了，对吗，Carrie Get lost. Right, Carrie?
你好，爱人 Hello, lover.
除非你想打架 Unless you wanna fight.
看，我们不想惹什么麻烦 Look, we don't want any trouble.
我决不放弃主张 I never back down.
有点，就像你看到的，我已经这样了 - Get some. - As you can see, I already did.
于是我想，那个纽约女孩能像我 And so I thought: Could a simple New York City gal like me...
真的去打一个年轻的孕妇呢？今人吃惊 ...really beat the shit out of a pregnant teenager? I wonder.
就像Dolph Lundgren在Rocky4里一样，我必须扁你 Like Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV, I must break you.
好的，行 - Yes! - Yeah!
我正分泌乳汁 I'm lactating. Moo.
哦，上帝 Oh, God.
那时你的脚？对 - Is that your feet? - Yeah.
这是我宝宝的脚 And this is my baby's foot.
闻闻它 Smell it.
再尝一尝 And taste it.
再吸吸我的胎盘 Suck on my placenta.
- Yeah! - Oh, Carrie.
Carrie, 亲爱的，你没事吧？ Carrie, darling, are you all right?
过来，女士们，我们现在离开这儿 Come on, ladies. Let's get out of here now.
到底发生了他们的什么事？不知道 - What the hell's going on? - I don't know.
醒醒吧，清清思路 Wake up and smell the Prius.
我想有点难以理解，但是它叫做全球变暖 I know it's an inconvenient truth, but it's called global warming.
不，不，不是全球变暖 No. No, it's not global warming.
酒馆Amy进入到我的梦里 Amy Winehouse came to me in my dreams...
在我击败一个美国搏击手后 ...after I fought an American Gladiator.
我想那个水晶人头骨开始起作用了 I think it has something to do with the crystal skull...
醒醒，那个傻瓜酒馆？水晶人头骨 Come on. Crackhead Winehouse? Crystal skull?
你说的就像个疯子 You sound like a crazy man.
看，现在天色晚了，我们今晚就待在这儿，等暴风雪过去 Look, it's getting late. Let's just stay here tonight and wait out the storm.
我太冷了 I'm freezing.
我们必须脱掉衣服 We gotta take off our clothes.
什么？我们大家要抱在一起取暖 - What? - Our bodies will keep each other warm.
否则，我们没法撑过今晚 Otherwise, we're not gonna make it through the night.
Yeah. Yeah.
他是对的，来吧 He's right. Come on.
我想我的水要流出来了 I think my water's gonna break.
对不起 Sorry.
看，我有话和你说，我其实不是银行家 Look, I have something to tell you. I'm not really a banker.
我是个跳越者，一个什么？ - I'm a jumper.- A what?
我能通过心灵的力量穿过时间和空间 I can teleport through time and space.
时空骇客-恶搞
我希望我们永远在一起 I hope we stay together forever.
我爱你 I love you.
回头见 Later.
我是Prince Caspian, here to save Narni，来这里拯救Prince Caspian, here to save Narnia.
小小的帮助？ Little help?
伙计？ You guys?
这家伙阻止了星球大战 It's the guy who ruined Star Wars.
什么？Will ,我们看见你做梦了 - What? - Will, we saw your dream.
哦，伙计，Amy搞得你神志不清 - Oh, man. - Man, you messed shit up with Amy.
有个幸运女孩肯和你说话 You're lucky a girl like that would even talk to you.
她火辣，性感，有份工作 She's hot, sexy. She got a job.
哥们，那女孩退出你的生活了，她没退出 - Man, that girl out your league. - She's not out of my league.
见鬼，她要闻你的口臭 Shit, she gotta put up with your stank breath.
没提到你反常的连背大屁股 Not to mention your abnormally high plumber's crack.
傻瓜，穿上衣服 Man, put your shirt down.
好吧，你是对的，你是对的，我被Amy搞乱了 All right. You're right, you're right. I messed up with Amy.
我永远不想让她走 I never should've let her go.
耶稣基督啊，这是余震吧 Jesus Christ. That was a rump shaker.
OK,有个计划，我们必须他妈的逃出这个城市 Okay, here's the plan. We gotta get the hell up out this city.
你说什么？ What you say?
你们干嘛他妈的要离开我？ What the hell y'all doing leaving me?
一直走，各位，什么也别看 Keep it moving, people. Nothing to see.
所有灾难都过去了，这个城市安全了 All the disasters have been contained. The city is secure.
该死 Shit.
恶心 Sick.
就像我说的，继续走，一切都在控制之中 Like I said, keep moving. It's under control.
我也要跑了 I'm out of here.
那是什么？是个人头，人头 - What was that? - That was a head. That was a head.
你好?谁的头？ - Hello?- Whose head?
你好，Will,是我 - Hello? - Will, it's me.
Amy，你在哪儿？ Amy, where are you?
我在博物馆工作，我被这些史前怪物麻烦死了 I'm at work at the museum. I was worried about the artifacts.
你没事吧？我很害怕 - Are you okay?- I'm scared.
肯定会没事的，我保证，听着 It's gonna be all right, I promise. Listen.
这儿发生了些事我必须告诉你... There is something that I need to tell you...
我早就该告诉你，我是个白痴 ...and I should've told you long before. I was an idiot.
我爱你 I love you.
哦，宝贝，我也爱你 Oh, baby, I love you too.
什么..?你说什么？你还一直爱我吗？ What do...? What do you say? Do you still love me?
是的，是的，当然，是的 Yes, yes, of course, yes.
说话啊 Say something.
说话啊，你牛逼什么，婊子 Say something, you stuck-up bitch.
臭屁眼 Asshole.
你好?你好,Amy? Hello? Hello, Amy?
该死 Shit.
哦，什么..? Oh, what the...?
我们必须回去，说什么？ - We gotta go back. - Say what?
Amy有麻烦了，我要回去找她 Amy's in trouble.I'm going back for her.
之前我让她走了，我不想再失去她 I let her go before. I'm not losing her again.
哥们，你疯了，这个城市到处都是危险 Man, you crazy. There's all kinds of shit breaking out in the city.
我们现在不走，大家都会死的 We don't leave right now, we're gonna die.
那我自己去 It's something I gotta do.
你们大家继续走 You guys keep going.
不，我是你死党，哥们，我和你一起回去 No, I'm your boy, man. I'm gonna roll with you.
哦，我的意思，我已经筋疲力尽.. Yeah, I mean, I'm already knocked up...
所以，什么其他恶作剧我能真的参与呢？ ...so, what other shenanigans can I really get into?
我的意思是，我挺着个大肚子.. I mean, I'm more bloated than Vince Vaughn in The Break-Up...
Vince Vaughn的身材轻巧 ...or Vince Vaughn in Fred Claus...
我猜Vince Vaughn会没事的 ...or I guess Vince Vaughn in general.
那么走吧，好，谢谢 - So let's go. - Yeah, please.
Lisa,快来 Lisa, come on.
不，各位，过来，宝贝 - No, guys. - Come on, baby.
我真的有不祥的预感 I really have a bad feeling about this.
Lisa!
Lisa死翘翘了 They killed Lisa!
Lisa!回来，回来 - Lisa!- Come on, come on.
Lisa死了，你冷静，走，走，我们快走 - They killed Lisa! You bastards! - Come on, come on. We gotta go.
过来 Come on.
我真的为你女友的死难过，煮饭婆（外号） I'm really sorry about your girlfriend, home skillet.
她操持你的家务，任劳任怨 Lo ciento about your main squeeze, kemosabe.
Lisa是个好女孩 Lisa was a great girl.
lisa，谁？ Lisa who?
哦，我在哪里？ Oh, where am I?
哦，多么迷人的地方啊 Oh, what an enchanting place.
我闻到了很香的肉味 It smells like meat and stress.
太美了 Wonderful.
你是多么神奇的动物啊! What magical creature are you?
我亲爱的王子 My dear prince
你救了我，你把我抱在怀里 You have rescued me You've caught me in your arms
事实上，你正坐在我的球上 Actually, you landed on my balls
让我猜猜 Let me guess.
一个邪恶的巫婆把你从童话王国流放出来，对吗？ An evil witch banished you from your fairy-tale kingdom?
不，我无知的，苍白的，奇怪的小闺女 No, my silly, pasty, quirky teen.
事实上，我只是可怜的无家可归的，生活在下水道的小姑娘 Actually, I'm just a demented homeless chick who lives in the sewers.
你怎么到了哪儿?毒品 - How'd you end up there?- Drugs.
很多，很多，很多... Lots and lots and lots...
思想改变，美妙的毒品 ...of mind-altering, enchanting drugs!
我没法判断 I don't judge.
哪儿很危险 It's dangerous out there.
要是你想活下去，应该和我们在一起 You might wanna come with us if you wanna live.
好吧 - Okay. - All right.
再见，哦，我要和你在一起，对，你应该 - Goodbye. Oh, I'm going with you. - Yes, you are.
自然历史博物馆在下一个街区，我们走吧 The Natural History Museum is just uptown. Let's go.
梦和仙女的故事，我的真爱 Dreams and fairy tales My true love
和松鼠说话，魔法 Talking squirrels and magic and stuff
不，公主，等等，你要去哪里？ No, princess, wait. Where are you going?
这些流氓是谁? And who's that Moorish ruffian?
我是她的新任男友，你想干什么？ I'm her new boyfriend. What it do?
非常好，黑人农夫，我是王子Edwin Very funny, dark peasant. I'm Prince Edwin.
公主，你马子？哦，老天爷，是的 - Princess, he your pimp? - Oh, good heavens, yes.
但是没事，两个都要，马子和男友 But that's all right. I could have a pimp and a boyfriend.
哦，这是干什么？ Oh, what to do?
你们可以决斗，我跟赢的那个 Whichever prince can vanquish the other shall win my hand.
你站好位了吗？ You ready to step up?
等等，你意思是第一步是。。。 Wait. You mean like the first Step Up movie...
你是从舞蹈学校来的吗? ...where the street-dancer dude went to the dance academy?
不，我更多的思考第二步 No, I was thinking more like Step Up 2...
输的傻瓜要回到舞蹈学校去 ...when the tough street-dancing chick went to dancing academy.
我懂你的意思 I feel you.
他和我铆上了，Juney,Will,我要他死无藏身之地，宝贝 He ain't ready for me. Juney, Will, I'm about to break him down, baby.
你要这个？好，你来 You want some? Well, here you go.
哦，热舞？ Oh, a hoedown?
疯狂上衣男 It's crazy-shirt man.
哦，不，不，不 Oh, no, no, no.
是我的袖子 It's just my sleeve.
哦，来吧 Oh, come on.
他两个来，谁怕谁？ He's double-jointed. Who cares about that?
那肯定是个经典，不管到哪儿 There must be a mirror somewhere.
来试试，来试试 Make some room. Make some room.
来试试 Make some room.
来呀，大肚子，ok - Come on, chubby. - Okay.
什么？什么？什么? What? What? What?
哦，该死，吸引了所以目光 Oh, damn, that ho is all on point.
这婊子干的好，她是天才 That bitch better work. She is off the chizzain.
我想她该戴王冠 I think she's crowning.
我想跳舞 I want to dance.
我不确定我能行，我不确定 I'm not sure I can though. I'm not sure.
别给我压力 L... Don't pressure me!
准备好了 I'm ready.
哦，看那，看她过来了 Oh, look out. Look at her coming in.
Oh, yeah.
龙卷风-恶搞
我离开这儿 I'm out of here.
再见 Bye.
她是你的了，兄弟 She's all yours, bro.
骗子 It's a twister!
跑，跑 Run! Run!
有谁能救救我们吗？ Is there anyone that can save us?
我们需要英雄 We need a hero.
我是钢铁侠（钢铁侠恶搞） I am Iron Man.
哦，伙计，这家伙被奶牛干掉了 Oh, man! That twister shat out a cow.
该死，太混乱了 Shit. That's so messed up.
现在你给我滚蛋（地狱男爵－恶搞） Now you're pissing me off.
我是唯一敢惹你的人 I'm the only badass around here.
哦，该死 Oh, damn!
又一头奶牛？ Another cow?
那是什么？ What was that?
不太妙 It's not nice.
看着我，看看这个 Look at me. Look at this.
龙虾爪 It's a lobster claw.
无论如何 Whatever.
看，我带了很多行李，我不需要这个，伙计 Look, I'm carrying a lot of baggage. I didn't need that, man.
别惹我生气，我生气了，不会想你那样（绿巨人－恶搞） Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
我的个人外表，我没法控制 There's aspects of my personality that I can't control.
至少他别再被奶牛袭击了 At least he didn't get hit with a cow.
伙计，海，风流小子，忘了Amy吧 - Man!- Hey, Casanova, forget Amy.
我们永远也去不到博物馆 We're never gonna make it to the museum.
我知道她还活着 I know she's still alive.
你好？Jojo? Hello? Jojo?
Jojo?不，不，是我 Jojo? No, no, it's me.
Will,will,我被抓住了 Will. Will, I'm trapped.
一个埃及雕塑在地震的时候倒下 An Egyptian statue fell on me during the earthquake.
冷静，Amy,冷静 Stay calm, Amy. Just stay calm.
我好害怕，我好害怕 I'm so scared. I'm so scared.
好吧，Amy，听我说，别慌 All right, Amy, listen to me. Don't panic.
我会去哪儿，我保证 I will be there, I promise.
Amy? Amy?
各位，我要回去找她 Guys, I'm going back for her.
要是你死了，你怎么救他。过来，快走 You can't save her if you're dead! Come on, let's go!
我很快会过去的，走，走 - I'll be there as soon as I can. - Go, go.
再见 Goodbye.
Amy，不，will，快走 - Amy. No!- Will, let's go.
不，该死，你快走 - No! Damn it!- You got to!
我知道你觉得我疯了 I know you think I'm crazy...
但是，水晶人头骨才能阻止这场灾难 ...but these disasters have to do with the crystal skull.
就像TMTH，TM什么？ - It's like TMTH.- TM what?
太多头绪 Too much to handle.
婊子，为什么还说这些 Bitch, why you don't just say that?
为什么什么事都被你诅咒？ Why everything a goddamn acronym with you?
冰冷的阳具出来，LL不太好J（？？？） Chilly Willy out, LL Not Cool J.
哦，别再吵架了，求你们了 Oh, do stop all of this quarreling. Honestly.
现在，谁饿了？ Now, who's hungry?
太好吃了 Delicious.
不管怎么样 Whatever.
你来点吗？ Would you like some?
不 No.
什么？ What?
哦，那是我的聪明电话，给我点时间 Y'all, that's my Get Smart phone. Just give me a minute.
有大便 You got poop.
只是个蚊子 Just a smidge.
我擦到了吗？擦掉了吗？ Did I get it? Did I get it all?
你们干嘛这么看着我？ What y'all looking at me like that for?
你..是的 You got... Yeah.
这儿对吗？ Is it right there?
好了，这样 - It's fine.- Just go:
只是..多搞几下，就好了 Just... I get it all the time, all over.
干什么？ What it do?
嗨，她是，Lisa妈妈 Hey, y'all, it's Lisa's mom.
我必须告诉她，你女儿发生了什么 I gotta tell her what happened to her daughter.
嗨，Helller小姐 Hi, Miss Heller.
Lisa...
Lisa她死了 Lisa dead.
原来是booyah!
我碰见了一个更好的，火辣的魔法公主.. I met this fine, hot enchanted-princess chick...
乐意效劳任何事 ...willing to do anything and everything I want.
你要和她通话，和她谈谈 You gotta talk to her. Talk to her.
你好？哦，是的，他很好，我要做任何事，真的 Hello? Oh, yes, he's right. I will do anything. Truly.
要是你给５块钱或一些甲安非他明（毒品），我会见你 If you've got 5 bucks or some meth, I'll show you.
有个男巫，我勾搭了一年了 One time I hooked up with a 1-year-old wizard.
我不要了 Never again.
你很酷，我们要挂了 You're so cool. We should totally hang out.
她真可怕 She's awesome.
瞧，我们必须去Amy哪儿，自然历史博物馆 Look, we gotta get to Amy at the Natural History Museum.
Oh, my.
哦，不，我什么都看不见了 - Oh, no.- I can't see anything.
我也看不见。有人在弄我 - Neither can I.- Somebody is totally feeling me up.
Calvin.不是我干的 - Calvin.- I didn't do it.
他们真有趣，里面装满奶 They're so perky. They're filled with milk.
那是什么鬼东西？ What the hell was that?
太漂亮了，多可爱的松鼠啊 Wonderful.What adorable woodland creatures.
我太开心，真的，那个不... 我意思是，那东西弄的我不太爽 I'm not merry, really. That didn't... I mean, that didn't make me merry.
我不爽，我猜想 I don't feel merry, I guess.
各位，这些家伙真有趣 Man, them guys are all right.
可爱，可爱 That's cute. That's cute.
OK,你们这帮家伙不是艾尔文和花栗鼠，对吗？ Okay, you guys are not Alvin and the Chipmunks, are you?
我想有一只得了狂犬病 I think that one's got rabies.
你们去哪儿，笨驴们？ Where you going, punk-ass?
Alvin!
拿开他 Get him off!
花栗鼠发狂了 Chipmunks love nuts.
拿开他！什么鬼东西？我想你是朋友？ Get him off! What the hell? I thought you was my friend!
有味道 Salty.
你打错了！你.. You're hitting the wrong thing! You...!
真没意思，没人来咬的肉，真是 I feel left out. No one's biting my flesh. Pooh.
你是最好的，小妞？ Is that the best you got, pussy?
你是好小妞 You are such a girl.
打鼓 Redrum!
他去哪儿了？ Where'd he go?
Yeah!
别咬我，放开 Don't bite me. Get lost!
哦，伙计们，来尝尝脊椎骨 Oh, boy, tasty vertebrae.
Juney,让她去 - Juney.- Let her go.
让她去，我们什么也帮不上 Let her go, man. Ain't nothing we can do.
可她还活着 But she's still alive.
他们大力的咬我.. They're munching me harder...
...than Rachael Ray chowing down eggs Benedict on $40 a Day.
Yeah.
这婊子临死前，她也不关上她那妙语连珠的嘴巴 Even when the bitch is dying, she don't shut up with her witty repartee.
嗨，Bffs,911上面的411是什么？ Hey, BFFs, what's the 411 on the 911?
哦，她太烦人了 Oh, she is rather annoying.
什么？我不是那么幽默可笑... WTH? I'm so not ROTFLOL'ing...
但请KIT,我去187之后 ...but please KIT, before I get 187'd.
迟点见 Blog you later.
结束了，结束了 - Finally.- Finally.
这只是开胃菜，现在去吃正餐了 That was just the amuse bouche. Now the main course.
来这儿，你们这些婊子，婊子 - Come back here, you bitches.- Bitches!
我会给你烤肉的 I'll get you in your grill.
姑娘们 Pussies.
死了 Die!
不能呼吸，需要空气 Can't breathe. Need air.
该死 Shitheads!
大家还好吗？ Is everybody okay?
是的，我很好 Yeah, I'm okay.
嗨，宝贝，你的膝盖都磨破皮了 Hey, baby, your knees are all skinned up.
哦，是的，但那不是花栗鼠干的 Oh, yes, but that's not from the chipmunks.
但是我不会为这个头痛的 But I do have this terrible headache.
迎面（产品），可以直接涂在额头上 Head On. Apply directly to the forehead.
迎面，可以直接涂在额头上 Head On. Apply directly to the forehead.
我刚刚..我刚刚用了 I just... I just did.
我说，迎面，婊子 I said, Head On, bitch.
可以直接涂在额头上，无论如何 - Apply directly to the forehead. - Whatever.
这是什么态度，荡妇 Don't cop an attitude, slut.
我说，可以直接涂在你该死的额头上 I said, apply Head On directly to your goddamn forehead.
好吧，好了，开心了？ Okay, okay. Happy?
看，你他妈的这白色的垃圾 Look, you little white-trash piece of shit...
迎面，母傻瓜 ...Head On, motherfucker.
可以直接涂在你这母傻瓜的额头上 Apply directly to your motherfucking forehead.
好了，这儿，全涂上 Okay? There. It's all over.
头上，脸上，鼻子上，眼睛上 Head on, face on, nose on, eyes on.
哦，太好了 Oh, that's great.
我头痛好了 My headache is gone...
但我一直有可怕的酵母传染病 ...but I still have that dreadful yeast infection.
谁要酵母？ Sourdough anyone?
我不能什么也不做，快去博物馆 - I could've did without that. - Let's get to the museum.
快走，动一动 - Let's go! - Move it!
没路了 Out of the way!
对不起，先生 Excuse me, sir.
发生什么了？大家往哪儿去？（蝙蝠侠-恶搞） What's going on? Where's everybody going?
大家都在撤退，现在每个人都要离开这个城市 It's a mass evacuation. Everyone has to leave the city right now.
等等，等等，你也走？传令兵 Hold up, hold up. You leaving, Batman?
妈的，是的，对，我也离开，我可不想死 Shit. Yes. Yeah, I'm leaving. Okay? I don't wanna die.
今天不在我的计划表里，不在我的干活清单 Not on my schedule today. Not on my to-do list.
它不是“起床，做早餐，散布，科学试验，死亡” It wasn't, "Wake up, make breakfast, jog, science experiment, die. "
不在上面，不在上面，OK? 我做什么？ Not on it. Not on it. Okay? Are we done?
好吧 All right.
所以人留下的人都会被埋在碎石堆里 Anyone who stays in town is gonna be buried in rubble.
我讨厌碎石堆 I hate rubble.
我必须去自然历史博物馆，我女朋友,Amy，她困在哪儿了 I've gotta get to the Natural History Museum, to my girl, Amy. She's trapped.
要是你回去救你女朋友，你生还的机会是零 If you go back after your girlfriend, you have zero chance of survival.
我接受这个几率 I'll take those odds.
看，21点撤退巴士会离开市政厅 Look, the evacuation bus is leaving city hall at 21 hours.
21百？等下，是什么..?那是.. Twenty-one hundred? Hold on, what is...? That's...
5进6，下午9点 - Five, carry the six... - Nine p. m.
我一定回去救你和你的疯朋友，下午9点 I'm gonna save you your crazy math. It's 9 p. m.
你们中午开始，9个小时之后 You start at noon, then nine hours later.
就是9点，到时间你必须赶上撤退巴士 That's 9. That's the time you need to get on those evacuation buses...
除非你死了 ...or you're dead.
死了？ Dead?
我说，已经是5点半了 Come on, it's already 5:3.
再说一次，5点半？哦,耶稣 Say again, 5:3? Oh, Jesus.
哦，上帝，我浪费了一整天 Oh, God. I wasted the whole day.
我在。。我在亚马逊找东西 I was... I was on Amazon looking for stuff.
该死，什么？为什么我今天去圣诞礼物商店？ Shit. Why? Why would I go Christmas shopping today?
为什么我调今天？婊子养的，好吧，B计划 Why would I pick today? Son of a bitch. Okay, plan B.
- Hi. - Hi.
我是传令兵 I'm Batman.
我是魔法公主 I'm Enchanted Princess.
真实故事：曾经我有一个女人.. True story: I had a woman one time...
告诉我，我能给他四次高潮 ...tell me I was in the top four best lovers she's ever had.
这是真实的故事 That's a true story.
她已经离开我 And she had been around the block.
你想去和我一起去看看我的演出吗？ Would you want to watch me play with myself?
再见 Goodbye.
过来，快走 Come on, let's go.
打劫你，傻瓜 Break yourself, fool.
你最好滚出这部Mach5(跑车)，不然我打烂你的屁股 You best be getting out of that Mach 5 or I'll toe-tag your ass.
你知道，他们说第一次杀人.. You know, they say that the first kill...
是相当困难的 ...is supposed to be quite difficult.
但我觉得挺容易，事实上，很好玩 But I find it easy. In fact, rather fun.
射他，打 Take it. Do it.
看，不用看 Look, Ma, no eyes.
我没有妈妈？ I didn't have a mother!
什么？我们只是在和我的猴子玩呢（恶搞杰克逊－暗指他猥亵小童） What? We're just playing with my monkey.
开车了 Let's roll.
Oh, my!
快来 Come on!
跑 Run.
继续走 We gotta keep going.
我的玻璃鞋不适合跑这么快 These glass slippers are awfully hard to run in.
救命，救命 Help. Help.
Amy.
你回来找我，我爱你，Amy - You came back for me. - I love you, Amy.
我知道，我也爱你 I know. I love you too.
现在把这根奇怪的矛从我的肩膀拿开 Now get this freaking spear out of my shoulder.
Yeah.
OK,很疼 - Okay.- It hurts.
OK,好的 Okay. All right.
她被穿透了，钉在地上，伙计们 She's pinned through to the floor, guys.
这可不太容易，Calvin,我要你帮帮忙 This isn't gonna be easy. Calvin, I'm gonna need your help.
好的 Right.
你在干什么？我要先麻醉她 - What was that for? - I was trying to knock her unconscious...
这样她就不会感觉到痛 ...so she wouldn't feel pain.
干的好 Good thinking.
宝贝，这对你也挺好，OK - Baby, this is for your own good.- Okay.
哥们，你出手像个娘们，让我来 Man, you hit like a pussy. Let me try.
哥们，这女人太经打了 Man, this girl can take a hit.
为什么？ Why?
这没有用，我们把它拔出来 It's not working. Let's just pull it out of her.
数到三 On the count of three.
1,2,3 One, two, three.
干得好 Good job.
我们要离开这里，这个地方马上就要塌了 We gotta get out of here. This place is gonna collapse.
不，不会有事，我们回到 No. Not until we return this...
回到祭坛去 ...back to the altar.
魔法球 A magic bong.
水晶人头骨，在我的梦利出现过 The crystal skull. The one from my dreams.
现在，大家要护送这个水晶人头骨到祭坛去 Now, legend has it that if the crystal skull is missing from the altar...
世界末日...地震... ...it's the end of the world. Earthquakes...
小行星，回去情趣女孩 ...asteroids, return of the Spice Girls.
Yes!
这是启示 The apocalypse.
你知道这些该死的，因为你是讲解员？ And you know this shit because you're the docent?
我看过Indiana Jones的水晶人头骨（指看过那部电影） I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
那你知道这意味着什么吗? Do you know what this means?
我梦到人头骨，而你知道人头骨？ Me dreaming about the skull, and you knowing about the skull?
我们注定会在一起？不，我们两个都爱人头骨？ - That we were destined to be together? - No, that we both really love skulls.
不过你说的也对 But that too.
Will,我们必须离开这儿，快到9点了 Will, we gotta get out of here. It's almost 9:
要是我们不去撤退巴士哪里，我们都会死的 If we don't make it to them evacuation buses, we're gonna die.
走，Calvin Go, Calvin.
我和Amy呆在这儿，我们把这个人头骨送回祭坛 I'm staying here with Amy. We're returning the skull to the altar.
待会见，高兴认识你们 - See you.- Nice meeting you.
去找那个祭坛 Let's find that altar.
恶搞－博物馆惊魂
发生了什么 What's happening?
博物馆里的所以东西都活过来了 Everything in the museum is coming to life.
该死，不 Hell, no!
Bully! Bully!
Yes!
快离开这个鬼地方，毒品太伟大了 - Let's get the hell up out of here. - Drugs are great.
带着水晶人头骨走这边，这是祭坛 - The altar to the crystal skull is this way. - Okay.
我是Beowulf I am Beowulf.
你好 Hello.
什么？ What?
我是Beowulf I am Beowulf.
你能穿点衣服吗？我是Beowulf - Can you put some clothes on? - I am Beowulf.
我和妖怪打斗都不用盔甲，和你为什么要用 I fought the monster Grendel with no armor, and that is how I'll fight you.
等等，你裸体作战？ Wait. You fight naked?
我是Beowulf I am Beowulf.
这是好人，兄弟 That's kind of gay, bro.
It's not... It's not gay. It's... 不是..不是那些家伙，那是..
不，对不起，那些家伙 No, I'm sorry. That's gay.
不是，不是 It's not gay. It's not.
为什么我们在57区，鸡巴 It's how we do it in 57, dick.
问问大家，好吧，我会，我会问我朋友Paul - Ask anybody. - All right, I will. I'll ask my friend Paul.
我们明天区划船，我们出到大海后我问他 We're boating tomorrow. I'll ask him when we're out in the seas.
Paul?我朋友Paul，他是我搭档 - Paul?- My friend Paul, who is my partner.
他是我朋友，我们也是搭档 He's my friend. We're also partners.
生活搭档？不，生意搭档 - Life partner?- No, business partners.
我们一起开了个古董店 We opened an antique shop together.
那些家伙，什么是那些家伙？ - That's gay.- Why is that gay?
为什么是古董？因为我喜欢旧东西，看上去有艺术气息 Why are antiques gay? Because I like old things that are kitschy?
我是Beowulf I'm Beowulf!
对不起，你准备好让我踢你们的屁股了吗？（功夫熊猫-恶搞） Excuse me, are you ready to get your ass kicked?
哦，该死，不，功夫熊猫 Oh, hell, no, Kung Fu Panda.
你不应该干这些 You shouldn't have done that.
准备好了区感觉一下打雷 Get ready to feel the thunder.
你的娘们看上去很面熟，哥们 Your girl looks familiar, man.
去年，我花了两块钱买了她两分钟，你知道我的意思 Last year, I paid her 2 bucks for 2 minutes, if you know what I mean.
真的 It's true.
来吧 That's it.
哦，该死 Oh, shit.
哦，干得漂亮 Oh, wonderful job.
我亲爱的王子，你维护了我的尊严 My dear prince You have defended my honor
亲亲我，宝贝 Kiss me, baby.
你是男的?我是Trannie,我想你知道 - You a dude?- I'm a trannie. I thought you knew.
不 No.
摔倒他， Will Get him, Will.
我是Beowulf.哦，我已经知道了 - I am Beowulf. - Yeah, I know already.
投降，我们就能区吃饭了 Surrender so we can go get brunch.
我买两张票去看Jersey Boys And I got us tickets to Jersey Boys.
不 No.
我们可以去我的地方 We can go to my place.
我们和那些明星跳舞 I TiVo'd Dancing with the Stars, results show.
不- Beowulf!
我想带你去Rosie O'Donnell's巡游 I wanna take you on Rosie O'Donnell's cruise.
只有我，你和我亲爱的朋友George Takei Just me, you, and my dear friend George Takei.
我来吧 + Screw this.
我是Beowulf I'm Beowulf!
Beowulf去了 Beowulf out.
快点，我们要和时间赛跑 Hurry, we're running out of time.
水晶人头骨-恶搞
Indiana Jones?
Indiana, 我的屁股 Indiana, my ass.
在这儿我来拿着它 I'll take it from here.
谢谢，儿子，是这样，我是你老爸 Thanks, son.That's right, I'm your father.
你是我老爸？你妈妈名声在外 - You're my dad?- Your mom got around.
一个真正的荡妇，是真的，对，我知道了 - A real slut, actually.- Right, I get it.
对不起，我离开了你和你妈妈 I'm sorry I walked out on you and your mother.
但是我有一个冒险的心... But I got an adventurous spirit...
在每个主要城市有个火辣的妓女 ...and a hot-ass whore in every major city.
我们在这里干什么？ What do we have here?
这是你的妞吗？ Is this your girl?
耶，多好的年轻女士。 - Yeah.- What a nice young lady.
你有不错的身材 And you got some shape on you.
哦，宝贝，你真是不错 Yeah, baby. You're so nice.
你有很好的屁股，爸爸 - And you got some ass on you.- Dad.
哦，真是太漂亮了，爸爸 - Oh, so beautiful.- Dad.
要是把你的漂亮屁股比作汉堡包，宝贝，你是特大号的 If a nice ass meant a hamburger, baby, you'd have a Whopper.
哦，该死，爸爸 - Oh, shit.- Dad.
你做Pilates?我只是问问，只是问问 Do you do Pilates?I'm just asking. Just asking.
别对老人家这样，平静下来 Don't do what your old man did. Settle down.
没有生过疱疹（性病），我告诉你没有 There is no cure for herpes, and I bullshit you not.
谢谢，爸爸 Thanks, Dad.
看上去很容易，不像曾经那么容易 - This looks easy. - Not as easy as it used to be.
哦，该死，我操 Oh, shit, my hip.
你知道我必须有人催促我，小事一桩，爸爸 - You know I gotta get my hustle on. - Bye, Dad.
我必须做得 I'm gonna make it.
哦，该死，哦，该死，哦，见鬼 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
哦，见鬼 Oh, shit!
好疼，哦，该死 That hurts. Oh, shit!
为什么你不走到祭坛哪儿去？就一英尺远 Why don't you just walk to the altar? It's like 1 feet away.
傻闺女 Silly girl.
不，别哭，我会没事的 No, don't cry. I'll be fine.
我是Guru Shitka I am the Guru Shitka.
我们今天在这里，让 Amy和Will结合 And we are here today to bring together Amy and Will...
一个平安和幸福的结合 ...in a union of peace and happiness.
指出重要的一点，Amy,你完全是个辣妹 And to point out, gee, Amy, you are totally hot. TM.
Amy,你愿意拿... Amy, do you take Will...
你的花生酱黄油和果冻到你爱人Will的胃里吗？ ...to be your peanut butter and jelly that goes into your love belly?
我愿意 I do.
Will，你愿意把你的油炸圈饼给你的爱人Amy... And, Will, do you take Amy to be your doughnut of love...
我愿意 I do.
哦，在这个场合，给他一拳 Well, in that case, give her a pound.
锁住它 Lock it down.
切菜 Break the pickle.
现在，给我挠挠 Now, tickle my pickle.
我爱你，Will I love you, Will.
我也爱你，Amy I love you too, Amy.
我有些事应该要告诉你 But there's something I should tell you.
什么事？ What is it?
我操Matt Damon(民间传说的人，说来话长) I'm fucking Matt Damon
你操了Matt Damon？ You're fucking Matt Damon?
哦，我操Hannah Montana Well, I'm fucking Hannah Montana
她操Hannah Montana She's fucking Hannah Montana
我演唱会的后台，在我父母的床上操了我 Backstage at my concert Fucks me on my parents' bed
放学后，在储物柜，在车上，我给她个头 After school, at my locker, In the car I give her head
我还要操Flava I'm also fucking the Flava
哦，哥们，她操Flava-Flav,白痴 Yeah, boy she's fucking Flava-Flav, fool
你知道那时什么时候，因为我也操Juney You know what time it is Because I'm fucking Juney too
哦，我知道，那是真的，Flava-flav,他也操我 Yeah, I know, but it's true Flava-Flav, he fucks me too
我和Calvin交换，他和那家伙交换 And I swap with Calvin And he swaps with that dude
还有我们都操Hellboy And we're all fucking Hellboy
对，他们操Hellboy,还有我操Hulk Yeah, they're fucking Hellboy And I'm fucking the Hulk
当我真的生气了，我开始操钢铁侠 When I get really mad I start fucking Iron Man
太不舒服了，但我也操公主 A most uncomfortable screw But I fuck the princess too
是谁打我电话？ Who's that ringing on my bell?
操钢铁侠的婊子 The bitch who's fucking Iron Man
那是I-R-O-N M-A-N，我操他的嘴 That's I-R-O-N M-A-N And I fuck him in the mouth
操的真不错，因为我操狼人 That's fucking great Because I'm fucking Wolf
他操狼人，实在太可怜 He's fucking Wolf Ain't that a pity?
因为我操那些婊子，在性感的的城市 Because I'm fucking those bitches From Sex and the City
他操性感的城市妞 He fucks the Sex and the City gals
所以我惊慌，狼人真的要警惕 So I wondered: Would Wolf really get jealous...
是否他知道我们操那家伙是不是带着的大袋子 ...if he knew we were fucking that guy with the big utility belt?
他们都操蜘蛛侠 They're all fucking Batman
在Wayne Manor, 在Batcave里面Butler Alfred是我们的性奴 At Wayne Manor, in the Batcave Butler Alfred is our love slave
迷惑我在这个神圣的公共澡堂 Riddle me this Holy bathhouse
我操酒馆Amy I'm fucking Amy Winehouse?
他操酒馆Amy He's fucking Amy Winehouse
哦，... Yeah, on the down-low, low, low
我操Jessica Simpson And I'm fucking Jessica Simpson
因为我在..... 'Cause I'm on blow, blow, blow
她操Jessica Simpson She's fucking Jessica Simpson Oh, yeah
我想我可能会操那个火辣的刺客 And I think I might have fucked That hot assassin
每个人操我，我操回他们，你看看 Everyone's fucked me And I've fucked them back, you see
还有那个有糟糕发型的墨西哥人 And the Mexican too With the tragic hairdo
叫他，头，我操J.T Call it, heads, I'm fucking J. T.
我操那个男模特，因为他那么棒 I'm fucking that male model 'Cause he's so fine
我喜欢在Calvin Kleins他们那里起床 And I like to get up In them Calvin Kleins
真的，J.T.再次操我的屁股，但我还要操王子Caspian It's true, J. T. Fucked my ass again But I'm also fucking Prince Caspian
我英俊又够酷 I am handsome and I am cool
这就是为什么王子操高中的小孩 That's why this prince Fucks the kids from high school
过来，来听听 - Come on- Let's hear it
现在是派对时间，让我听听你 - Now's the time to party - Let me hear you
你知道现在是什么时间吗？不知道，是什么时间呢？ - You know what time it is? - No, what time is it?
是时间去操，操我 - It's time to get fucked- Fuck me
不，操我，操我 - No, fuck me- Fuck me
他操我们全部高中学生 He fucks all us kids in high school
在露天运动场，在展示厅，在我们改变体育项目时 Under the bleachers, in the showers While we're changing for gym class
我操Oprah,我操Obama - I'm fucking Oprah- I'm fucking Obama
我操Indiana屁股 I'm fucking Indiana's ass
她操Indiana屁股，我操Hancock She's fucking Indiana And I'm fucking Hancock
我操Hancock,还有我操Beowulf He's fucking Hancock And I'm fucking Beowulf
你知道你喜欢这个，我操功夫熊猫 You know you like it And I'm fucking Kung Fu Panda
我还操迈克杰克逊 And I'm fucking Michael Jackson
别管我，我爱我的动物，你看 Don't judge me I love my animals, you see
哦，耶，他操花栗鼠 Oh, yeah, he's fucking the Chipmunks
忧愁的说，但是真的，他操花栗鼠 Sad to say, but it's true He fucks the Chipmunks, yeah
你只是得到Wolfed You just got Wolfed.
通过监狱的学习，我有了一点进步 That's a little move I learned in jail.
哦，我在监狱 Yeah, I was in jail.
狼人 Wolf wrote some bad checks in '95.
Left foot, yellow.
Oh, that's right, I fall.
I am Beowulf.
I'm the strongest man in seven kingdoms.
Let myself go a little bit.
Got a little bit flabby.
I went on that Zone Diet...
...but I would eat like a whole week's worth of meals in like two days...
...and then be back to square one.
If you've got crack anywhere, I don't care where it comes from...
If it's in your crack... If the crack's in your crack.
"If the crack's in your crack. " Oh, that's rich.
You ever been with a bald doctor before?
- No. - We give better...
Do I look like Harrison Ford to you?
- He your pimp? - Oh, good heavens, yes.
Oh, what to do? Yes, I've got it.
You can be my prince of light, and you can be my prince of darkness.
- Yes. No? Okay. - No.
Left foot, yellow.
I got us tickets to Madonna's reunion show...
...and then I wanna kiss your sweet face.
No!
Take it from the top again. She says, "Hello. "
Don't hit her so hard. Just hit her really lightly.
Okay?
Good enough for me.
It's all very funny.
Cut.
Oh, it's my Blake, incarcerated. Hi, Blakey.
How are you? I love you.
He did not kill those three prostitutes.
They were already dead when he got to them. I'm swearing to God.
Look, I have to tell you something. I'm not really a banker.
As my voice cracks.
Look, I have something to tell you. I'm not really a banker. I'm a jumper.
I can teleport through space and time.
- What is it again? Time and space. - Time and space.
Look, I have something to tell you.
I'm not really a banker. I'm a jumper.
- A what? - I can teleport through time...
Hey, is my singing stick on? It is on? Is the singing stick on?
You know, everyone wants to know where I got my:
It all started one night when I was crying in my truck.
Yeah. I ain't crying no more, man.
Fourteenth highest-rated show on TV.
I got a time-share in Key West.
Oh, baby, I make shoes
And these are my boobs
I want you to see me in my birthday suit.
I want you to watch me take a bubble bath.
I'm gonna play around with the bubbles and make a little beard.
Pretend I'm Santa Claus.
Oh, son, I'm loving this.
Wonderful!
I'd like to get you naked and analyze you.
Oh, shit.
Do you like this shirt? I totally made it myself.
Well, it's because I ripped it. It's because I burned it.
I was leaning over my birthday candles.
I was gonna blow them out, make a wish.
Instead my shirt caught on fire.
Son, if you go back for your girlfriend, you have zero chance of survival.
I'll take those odds.
Do you hear that train?
Son, if you go back for your girlfriend, you have zero chance of survival.
I'll take those odds.
You hear that train again? You hear that again, that second time?
Son, if you go back for your girlfriend, you have zero chance of survival.
I'll take those...
Train. I knew it was coming too. Yeah.
- Is that the train we should catch? - No, no. Take a...
Couple more?
You're hot. Are those things real?
Hey, everybody, be sure to remember to always use Proactiv. It helped me.
It helped my skin It helped my skin
It helped my skin, baby
It helped me. I used to have it all around this part of my face...
...and all around my talking hole...
...and then out of this squishy part right here.
I had it everywhere, and now it's gone.