[ Sirens Wailing ]
[ Machine Gun Fire ]
[ Gunfire Continues ]
[ Sirens Continue ]
[ Man On P.A., Indistinct ]
-[ Sirens Continue ] -[ Gunfire Continues ]
-[ Man On P.A. Continues, Indistinct ] -[ Gunfire Continues ]
[ Sirens Continue ]
Freedom.
Free-dom!
[ Roars ]
[ Woman ] #What you want #
- Here come the dishwasher! -# Baby, I got it #
- Here come the dishwasher! -## [ Continues ]
[ All Chattering, Laughing ]
Automatic. Dishmatic.
- But no pay-a-matic! - "No pay-a-matic!"
[ All Laughing ]
No pay- No money down!
[ All Shouting ] No money down!
Mr. Freedom's coming!
All right, don't nobody move! Nobody.
## [ Continues ]
Boy, that's the last time you loot a Magic Mix Mart.
L'm gonna set you right, boy.
L ain't a-lootin', l'm a-shootin'.
Say your prayers!
[ Sirens Wailing ]
Now, everybody, let's all sing together.
F-R-double-E-D, D-O-M spells...
freedom!
#We fight for freedom for one and for all #
# lt's you and me-dom #
#and 10 foot tall #
# Freedom, freedom #
#And oh-can-you-see-dom #
#We'll always beat 'em #
#With star-spangled freedom ##
Yeah! Freedom!
Wow!
[ Beeping ]
Excellent, Freedom Four. Terminate operation.
Your presence is required at Central Freedom.
Over and out.
L gotta go, folks.
[ Gunfire Continues ]
But before l do, here's a little souvenir from Freedom.
[ Woman Screaming ]
Thank you. So nice!
Yes, that's divine.
[ Laughs, Giggles ]
Oh!
Mr. Freedom! [ Giggles ]
How are you?
Thank you. So nice.
Yes, l'm fine.
Oh, l'm sorry. And you?
Oh, lovely. [ Giggles ]
So thoughtful.
Oh, l'm sorry. Do you...
Oh, you're so right.
How sweet of you.
Oh, l'm sorry.
Dr. Freedom is waiting for you.
This way, please.
Oh, you're so right!
Thank you! [ Giggles ]
[ Woman ] Dr. Freedom, sir, Mr. Freedom to see you.
- Freedom fights on all fronts. - Yes, sir.
- You have done your bit. - I've done my best, sir.
Yes.
And you know that the world is divided in two parts...
On the one side is right...
and on the other side is wrong.
Wrong is red...
and right is...
- Red, white and blue! - Yes.
And in the middle we have the maybes and the don't-knows.
First, we have two objectives...
make the Reds cry "uncle"...
- Uncle Sam! - Yes.
Then maybe the maybes and the don't-knows...
will wake up and fight for right...
for right is might, and might is...
- Freedom! - Yes, sir.
Our freedom.
Now listen to me, boy.
We have trouble in France.
The Red commies are infiltrating from Switzerland.
- So we bomb Switzerland. - Good thinking, boy.
But we can't. Not right now.
Let me tell you about the French.
They are 50 million...
mixed-up, sniveling crybabies...
who haven't stood on their two feet since Napoléon.
And that wasn't yesterday.
And Napoléon wasn't even French.
- He was Corsican. - That's right, boy.
So the French are the white man's burden.
Our burden.
We've had to carry them through two world wars already...
and we're damn well gonna have to carry them through the next.
But l'd rather carry them.
L'd rather carry them than let the Red commies get to them...
and that's what's gonna happen if we don't move fast.
How come?
Anti-Freedomism is at a new high.
Our group is demoralized and they need a leader.
They need you.
L need you...
in France.
- But you have Captain Formidable there. - We had.
- You "had"? - We had, boy. We had.
Capitaine Formidable is dead.
- He's dead? - He was killed.
L have reason to believe by someone posing as a Freedom operator.
This is, no doubt, the work of Red China Man.
Red China Man?
But Captain Formidable, he...
l know.
L know, boy. He was your buddy.
You helped set up the French Freedom organization with him.
That's why l have chosen you.
You know the country, you know the people, you speak their language.
Your mission is search and destroy.
Lnsurgency and counterinsurgency.
Revolutionary pacification.
Take our story to the people.
Win their hearts and their minds.
You have full powers.
L don't need to tell you that if France falls...
Europe is wide open.
You must not fail.
You shall be Mr. Freedom...
for France.
Vive la France.
Vive la France!
[ Speaking Japanese ]
[ Bell Dings ]
Hi, Freedom!
Captain Formidable!
Old buddy, l see you wherever l go.
L'll never forget you.
[ Bell Dings ]
Okay, so you're a broad. Don't think that's gonna stop me. l'll bust you in a...
[ Yells ]
Okay, baby.
So you wanna play.
[ Woman Grunting ]
- [ Giggles ] - [ Woman Grunts ]
So now you know, baby.
L don't beat up a broad unless l have to. But if l have to, l have to. Right? Right.
Who sent you? Who do you work for?
For Freedom. L was with Capitaine Formidable.
Yeah. Prove it!
Marie Madeleine. French girl. Common-law widow of Captain Formidable.
- Right. - There's something else.
#We fight for freedom for one and for all #
# lt's you and me-dom and 10 foot tall ##
Okay, baby, let's start from the beginning.
[ Elevator Motor Resumes ]
So, what's with the jujitsu?
Well, l wanted to make sure it was you.
Red China Man's been trying to infiltrate us. He'll stop at nothing.
Already with Capitaine Formidable, he - he...
- Don't talk about it if you don't want to. - Oh, no, you gotta know.
After Greece, Capitaine Formidable was very tired.
When Geneva backfired, the Swiss got hold of him...
and they brainwashed him.
But l mean all the way.
He fought it, so they drugged him.
The works.
And then he couldn't stop. He went into a spin.
And in the end, he even began having doubts.
- About what? - Oh, you know.
About Freedom. About everything.
And that's when Moujik Man infiltrated us disguised as a Freedom agent.
He had his card, his uniform, everything.
And then he started to tell us about how there was trouble in America...
about how the Negroes were going to revolt...
and about how you weren't going to bomb China.
And then after the riots, when you didn't take Paris...
well, after all, Capitaine Formidable started to believe him.
And then, you know...
[ Man Screaming ]
Yeah, well, we weren't ready for Paris.
But if only l could have talked to him, explained.
- But, Jesus, to get taken in by Moujik Man - - Oh, yes, it was awful.
But you've got to try and understand from here things look different.
Like in Vietnam, for instance. What's holding you back?
L mean, don't get angry, but to us it looks like a...
Like what? Listen, baby, there's us and there's them.
We are Freedom, the real America.
They are Red-ass, black-ass, Jew-ass farts who can't even spell America.
With them it's, "You want wheat? Here's wheat.
"You want Vietnam? Go ahead, help yourself.
What else you want? Chicago? Texas? Be my guest."
Listen, sweetheart, you wanna know what America is? l'll tell you.
What we got, we keep. Lt's ours. We earned it.
We fought for it, and we're not givin' it to nobody.
But if you let them have their way, we'll be eating grass growing in the streets.
Well, hell no! Better burn it all up to scorched earth.
Yeah, that's my policy.
Back home, baby, when there's too much milk, we dump it.
When there's too much wheat, we burn it. Yeah, right.
Lf you can't sell it, you burn it. That's the way.
No money? Too bad. Beat it. That's politics, baby.
This ain't the Salvation Army.
You wanna eat? Okay, mister, work!
Nothing for nothing. Who ever gave us anything?
Balls!
Now that you're here, nothing will stop us.
Mr. Freedom, you're fantastic.
Easy, girl.
Everything in its own good time.
Mr. Freedom ain't afraid of women?
Cool it, sweetheart. You know what happens to little girls who play with matches.
Now you need all your strength.
Later we'll see.
[ Intercom Buzzes ]
[ Buzzes ]
Ja. Nein. Ja.
Nein. Ja.
Nein.
You speak German.
Okay, let's get to work. Who's with us?
Well, there's Vic Terrific, Freddie Freak...
Jacques Detergent, uh...
How many in all?
About 25. But only the best.
Yeah, well, we took the Congo with less.
France ain't the Congo, but that is their problem.
- We'll manage. When do l see them? - Tonight. They're expecting you.
- And how's the organization doing? - Come on. l'll show you.
- Marie Madeleine, 4-1 -2. - What's that?
- Don't you know? - Huh?
Listen.
[ Dispatcher On Radio ] 44 Rue Lafayette. Fourth floor, left.
Whip and leather man. Whip and leather man. Urgent.
[ Woman On Radio ] Hello, Monique? Monique, I'll take it.
I'll be there in five minutes.
- You've got to be kidding. - Didn't you know?
That's one of our Freedom operations. Capitaine Formidable set it up.
Lt makes a lot of money.
And it's part of our intelligence service.
- Like, look, there are 3,000 of us. - Yeah?
With an average of 1 0 tricks a night, that makes 200,000 a week...
800,000 a month...
and we've got files...
and after a couple of years we get to know a lot of people.
[ Laughing ] Hot damn!
[ Dispatcher On Radio ] 85 Champs-Élysées.
- Who's that? - Sadie.
Sadie Madden. One of our best agents.
L'll bet she is.
- Where are the files? - At the headquarters.
- Crazy, man. -[ Dispatcher Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Radio: Dispatcher ] Need blonde, right-wing intellectual, 1 5 years old, maximum.
I repeat: blonde, right-wing intellectual , 15 years old, maximum.
[ Mr. Freedom Giggling ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Speaking French ]
[ French Continues ]
[ Shouting ln French ]
Monsieur Freedom!
[ Cheering, Whistling ]
Quiet, everyone! Please quiet down! Quiet, everyone!
- l present Teddy Drip-dry. - Teddy.
- Betty Bopper. - Betty.
- Hello. - Corporal Dick Discount.
Dick, old buddy. How are you?
- Johnny Cadillac. - Yeah!
- Roger Dropout. - How do you do?
- [ Groans ] - [ All Laughing ]
Sheila ln.
Hello. Hello.
Jacques Detergent.
[ Chattering ]
- Grand Duc Eddie. - Hello!
[ All Laughing ]
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Freddie Freak. - Freddie.
The Fraternity Brothers.
And Mr. Drugstore!
[ All ] # For he's a jolly good fellow #
# For he's a jolly good fellow #
#That nobody can deny ##
[ Cheering ]
[ Shouting ]
[ All Chanting ] Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!
[ Cheering ]
- [ Woman ] Freedom! - ## [ Rock Drumbeat ]
[ Cheering, Whistling ]
[ Cheering Continues ]
Ladies and gentlemen...
we are proud...
and deeply moved...
to present to you tonight for the first time in Europe...
in his all-star one-man show...
[ Cheering, Whistling Continues ]
Mr. Free - Mr. Free...
Mr. Freedom!
Voil?
Aah! Yeah!
## [ Drumbeat ]
Freedom!
[ All Cheering, Hooting, Whistling ]
[ Cheering, Whistling Subside ]
l'm not going to talk about myself.
L guess you know who l am anyhow.
[ Cheering, Applauding ]
No, l'm going to talk about you...
and why we are fighting.
If you're here tonight, it's because you love Freedom.
And if you love Freedom, Freedom loves you.
We're one big, happy family, and we're going on a crusade.
You're the salt of the earth.
You have faith in me, and I have faith in you.
The fate of the free world is in your hands.
[ Cheering, Applauding ]
There are two dangers, my friends, and your own Stendhal understood them well.
The Reds and the blacks.
All right, you're French, but you're white!
This is the free world.
We are surrounded by a red sea-
a red sea ofblood.
Let us build a wall of dedicated men...
a white wall of freedom!
You are my white guards!
[ Cheering ]
We love everybody, but love is a two-way street.
Love me, love my dog. Right?
[ All ] Right!
The anti-this, the anti-that, thejealous, the misfits, the failures-
we're not afraid of anybody.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
What do you do with mad dogs? You put 'em out of their misery.
That's all l have to say.
- [ Cheering ] - Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!
Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!
Freedom! Freedom!
L like Freedom!
-[ Cheering, Applause ] - Me too!
Yea!
Yeah, l was poor. Dirt poor.
L was born poor.
My father worked in the sewers. Then came the depression.
They closed down the sewers. No more school.
All l had to wear was one suit, nothing but patches. But clean.
We ate meat once a year.
My Palm Beach was Hell's Kitchen.
L've been working since l was seven years old. There's nothing l didn't do.
L washed clothes, l shined shoes, l picked cotton.
L was a boxer, a dishwasher, a striker and a strikebreaker. Yeah!
L worked on the railroad. L sang the blues. l played the piano.
L was an engineer, an efficiency expert, a male nurse and an informer.
L was everything! Yeah. You're right.
Lt's rough, and it's tough where l come from.
But if you got what it takes, we'll take what you got, and then some!
What do you need? A pencil? Some paper? A screwdriver? A piano? You got it.
You want two pianos? Here you are. Two pianos.
Now, goddamn it, let's hear some music. Lf it's good, great. The sky's the limit.
Lf you can't play, beat it. Who's next?
- What do you say? - What do you say!
Then one day l got my chance...
and l grabbed it where it counts.
- And that's how l got to be... - Got to be!
- Mister... - Freedom!
[ Cheering, Applauding ]
This ain't no fairy tale.
Empty hands, empty pockets? That's not my style. What do you need?
- You don't know? l'm gonna tell you what you need. - Thank you!
To begin with, l'm gonna tell you what the land of freedom's all about.
No, you're not dreaming.
Because that land exists.
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been living like pigs.
Open your eyes. Open your hearts.
## [ Upbeat ]
[ Whistle Blows ]
## [ Marching Band ]
- R! Y! - Y!
- Victory! - Victory! Victory!
Support our boys in Vietnam!
## [ Marching Band Continues ]
[ Mr. Freedom ] Harlem. Fifty percent of the kids are illegitimate. How about that? Batter up!
Yeah, but when they get married, man, they get married! Oh, love that hat!
And dance? That's what I call rhythm. Rock it to me, baby! Ha-ha! Yeah!
Harlem. Harlem is more than a slum. It's more than a ghetto. It's a drama, a human drama!
But that, too, is part of fabulous, swingin'New York!
[ Audio: Channels Changing ]
Now l use Shake 'n' Bake!
-[ Man Speaking, Indistinct ] -[ Crowd Laughing ]
[ Machine Gun Fire ]
## [ Upbeat Continues ]
[ Mr. Freedom ] The sexual revolution, the new frontier...
the promised land, the permanent revolution!
Never before on the face of the earth!
Lt's not for next year. Lt's not for tomorrow.
Lt's for right now! Lt's for one and for all, and all for one!
Yeah! Step right up! Lt's free, and it's Freedom!
And there is only one Freedom, and it's your Freedom, and it's mine...
and Freedom is...
- [ All ] Freedom! - [ Cheering, Applauding ]
Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!
Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!
[ Crowd ] # For one and for all #
# lt's you and me-dom #
#and 10 foot tall #
# Freedom, freedom #
# Oh-can-you-see-dom #
#We'll always beat 'em #
#With star-spangled freedom ##
[ Cheering, Applauding ]
[ Snoring ]
[ Knocking ]
[ Hammer Cocks ]
Who is it?
[ Woman ] lt's breakfast, sir.
Good morning, monsieur. Where l put it?
[ Gasps ]
Strip, baby.
Yeah, you.
Ooh!
Poof!
Shoo! Mmm!
All right, now eat.
- Oh, but l am not hungry. - Eat!
A-ha-ha!
- Mmm. - Not that.
The eggs.
Uh - [ Groans ]
[ Chuckles, Gasps ]
[ Gulping ]
[ Choking ]
l knew damn well l didn't order the eggs.
[ Radio: Frequencies Tuning ]
## [ Organ: Hymn ]
[ Radio: Man ] Mr. Freedom. Mr. Freedom!
Lf you are a man, come and see me.
Métro Trocadéro.
Signed, Moujik Man.
L repeat.
Mr. Freedom! Mr. Freedom!
Lf you are a man, come and see me, Métro Trocadéro.
Signed, Moujik Man.
## [ Organ: Hymn Continues ]
[ Frequencies Tuning ]
[ Woman ] The film you are now watching is sexy and suspenseful. Thank you.
[ Radio Off]
Mister, may l make your room up?
## [ Marching Band ]
## [ Continues ]
## [ Ends ]
[ Bell Chimes ]
[ Woman On P.A. ] Money is everything. Yes, girls, money is everything.
Make some money today!
[ Bell Chimes ]
Oh, Mr. Freedom! Hi, Mr. Freedom!
[ Sighs ]
- lt's Mr. Freedom! - [ Squealing ] Mr. Freedom!
Oh, Mr. Freedom! Hi, Mr. Freedom!
Welcome, Mr. Freedom!
L was just standing there and he gave me his card!
Well, Mr. Freedom. Delighted. How are you?
Permit me?
- Well, how is Dr. Freedom? - Terrific.
L'm sure. And, uh, Batman and, uh, John Wayne?
They're okay. But tell me, how are things going here?
Oh, business as usual.
The French have a certain culture, a folklore, if you prefer.
They have their language. They're industrializing themselves.
Well, they could be a great people, but they, uh...
they understand very little about democracy.
L'm bringing our story to the people.
-[ Bell Chimes ] - l try to plant a few ideas, but it's, uh...
it's not easy.
Well, at any rate it's time that you got here.
Um, there are some who say that, uh, freedom is slavery.
[ Woman On P.A. ] Freedom is slavery!
Perhaps they'd rather be the slaves of, uh, Moujik Man.
Some even want free elections.
L try to guide them, but it's a hopeless task.
[ Women ] Hopeless. Hopeless.
They distort everything. They demonstrate.
They make disgusting, unpatriotic remarks.
[ Laughing ] Prophets of doom.
Dissent is fine, of course, but within limits.
What the enemy doesn't understand is that democracy is based on debate.
[ Woman On P.A. ] Yes, democracy is based on debate.
They see in every protest a collapse of morale...
and a diminishing resolve.
On one hand we have the warlords, Super Frenchman and his Super Ministers...
who'd, uh -who'd, uh, have us dead.
On the other hand, we have the rabble, the F. A.F. terrorists who, uh -who terrorize us.
[ Coughs ] The who?
The F.A.F. terrorists. Haven't you heard of them? The French Anti-Freedom?
- They're Red? - No, they're mixed-up kids.
[ Woman On P.A. ] F.A.F. are mixed-up kids.
Society and the family nucleus are disintegrating...
and Moujik and Red China Man are taking advantage of this.
They get these poor kids all worked up and they believe that they're anti-Freedom.
They're the ones who got Captain Formidable.
Lt's possible. Lt's not exactly clear.
Uh, have you seen his team?
Yeah. Last night. They looked good.
- They know why they're fighting. - [ Bell Chimes ]
Oh, lovely, uh - uh...
[ Woman On P.A. ] New! Fresh! Fabulous! Try some Freedom today!
Well, now, uh, right over here we have our cultural services.
And over here we have our ideological services.
These are our most recent models.
They're doing extremely well. We've shipped them all over the world.
Dr. Freedom sent me your secret weapons.
I'll give you a set now and send the rest along to the Freedom Center.
The instructions are on the inside.
But tell me, Mr. Freedom, what is your plan of operation?
- [ Woman ] He's got a plan! - Well, operation-wise, l kick off on my own.
-[ Bell Chimes ] - On "F" Hour, l'll give you a blast. Okay?
Set me up a summit with Super Frenchman. L've got some news for him:
Lf he digs, "comprendez, " okay. Lf not...
Yes, but observe some sort of protocol with Super Frenchman.
- He's a man of the world. - So am l, Pop.
- [ Bell Chimes ] - So am l.
[ Woman ] So he is! [ Sighing ]
Miss Westmoreland.
Please call Super Frenchman for me.
Uh, Super Frenchman, Your Excellency. Yes, Your Excellency.
- Yes, Your Excellency! - Right away, Your Excellency!
[ Woman On P.A. ] Super Frenchman, Monsieur Freedom to see you.
[ Super Frenchman, Echoing ] Mr. Freedom...
I am very happy to see you.
Okay, okay, don't knock yourself out, Super Frenchman.
L don't beat around the bush.
Moujik Man and his killers got Captain Formidable.
You'll hand 'em over. They're on your turf, no?
Lt's either them or me.
- That is to say- - They're a danger to our investments.
Give me carte blanche, and l'll clean this mess up for you.
Ln addition, you get a special surprise bonus.
What special bonus?
L'm gonna give you an atomic trolley bus.
L will establish democracy in France.
And furthermore, l'll get rid of your Reds.
You with me or against me?
The affairs of France are managed by me...
without outside interference.
But leave your phone number at the desk.
I'll call you if I need you.
Lf you need - Hey! Where are you going, you balloon!
L'm warning you! Watch out, fatso!
'Cause Freedom's on the march! Yeah! Open your eyes! Your time has come, man!
Super Frenchman, l'm warning you!
As for your playmates...
Aah! l have lost my willpower!
So have l!
[ Cackling ]
That's 'cause my glasses are hypnotic!
And you, you wanna see something freaky?
Yes. What have you there?
- [ Groaning ] - [ Laughing ]
Super Frenchman, l give you just 48 hours!
Moujik Man, you are next!
[ Growling ]
## [ Women Singing In Foreign Language ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Gasps ]
Captain Formidable!
Correct! [ Chuckles ] Give the man a cigar!
[ Laughing ]
Moujik Man!
Ln person! But of course! [ Laughing ]
Hello, Mr. Freedom.
How are you?
Have you had a good trip? Hmm? [ Laughing Continues ]
Ohh!
Look, cowboy, no gun.
- Very funny. - L am helpless.
Okay, Moujik Man. So you did it, huh? You bastard!
L didn't, and you know l didn't!
You know it hurts me as much as it did you.
But just to see your expression, l got to laugh!
Don't make such a face!
Hey! Hands off. L'm not kidding around.
Lf it wasn't you, it was one of your F.A.F. stooges.
- My stooges? [ Laughs ] - Yes.
Listen, they are just a bunch of kids. Red China Man's got them all hopped up.
But these things happen. What can you do?
Besides, who asked you to send him your little sweetie pie?
My what? What are you trying to say?
Not me, Freedom.
Moujik, how dare you.
Captain Formidable was a great human being!
Don't make me cry.
Besides, he was a sham!
- Haven't you got any feelings? - Well, look who's talking!
The butcher! The policeman!
- Me? - Yes!
You shut up, you -you...
you imperialist!
Me?
Why, you reactionary!
Hey, you watch out. You watch out, Moujik Man. Watch what you're saying.
- You too. - You too.
Then you too!
L could squash you!
L could triple squash you!
- You want war? - Do you?
Then keep your little buddies out of it!
L can't! lt's your fault! You started it!
Yeah, and l'll finish it.
Oh, don't be so sure.
They've got everything to lose. They can't afford to fight.
- Neither can you. - Neither can you.
Okay, so you work it out with them.
- You. - No! You!
Never.
No rewards for aggression.
- Hypocrite. - Watch your language.
Oh, now listen, listen, listen, Freedom. Now, be reasonable.
Now you want to start in on France. You are putting me on the spot.
You know that.
L can't just drop the French. L will have to fight.
- What will l look like if l don't? - What do you look like now?
L didn't start anything.
Captain Formidable was here as an adviser to lead the French to peace.
But the road to peace is not through concessions and retreat.
The path l follow is the path of honor.
Fine, fine, fine. Lovely.
But what does your honor need?
- Paris. - You want Paris?
Oh, no. lt's not possible. Versailles, if you want. There is a bus...
No, no, no. L can't abandon Paris.
Now you're out of your mind!
What about me? You don't realize!
L'll tell you what we can do. L will tell you. Come on.
We can set up two zones of influence.
Left bank and right bank.
The Seine is practically a natural frontier already.
- l will take the- the left bank. - Which one is the left bank?
This one!
- I want the left bank. - [ Gasps ]
- What do you want the left bank for? - [ Crashing ]
[ Together] Red China Man!
That's right! Go right ahead!
Give him everything!
Negotiate with imperialism!
Your secret plan to split up the world will fail miserably!
Listen here! You have just arrived!
He is a crazy fool.
He is capable of anything. We have got to use reason.
Lf you think you can reason with him, then you are crazy...
a traitor and a coward!
Freedom is hopeless.
Lf you talk to him, you play his game.
He must be eliminated!
L told you, don't mess with Freedom. Huh, Chink?
You see, strategically...
We call it having horse manure in your eye.
He who beholdeth the mote in his brother's eye...
perceives not the beam that is in his own eye.
1967, item 80.
- Mom, please. - Jesus, l don't know how l should take that.
[ Red China Man ] I told you. He doesn't understand anything.
Listen, you keep out of this!
Anyway, goddamn it, l didn't come here to be insulted.
L'm the victim of aggression.
You're the aggressor, the true enemy of the people.
Even the Chinese people...
lt isn't me. Lt's you, Red China Man!
You took over the power by force. You are usurpers!
You talk about democracy!
You don't even know what that means!
Your country's a mess!
The people are starving!
They're revolting!
Your democracy is just consolidated dictatorship...
and slavery incorporated!
Hey, Chinkie!
Confucius says he who laughs last laughs best.
[ Laughing ] Perhaps we should put the poor man out of his misery!
- We can't do that! - Why not?
The most elementary rules of hospitality forbid it.
Red Maria, give me a hand.
- Moujik Man? - We'll move him upstairs. Okay?
Maybe sweet-talk him or something.
And then let him escape.
But don't let him out of your sight. He may take all this the wrong way.
Shh!
[ Grunts ]
[ Groaning ] Oh, the cowards.
They got me from behind.
Oh, my head.
Are you married, Freedom?
What's it to you, baby?
Hey, you're wild.
Your name should be Mr. Fantastic!
That's right, baby.
And that's only a starter.
Lf it wasn't for my busted head...
you'd see what fantastic is.
Mmm, that's not hard to believe.
Well, you've got the build of it anyhow.
Now, are you able to walk? You'd better get out of here.
Up we go.
Lt's not because of Moujik Man. Lt's Red China Man who's out to get you.
[ Grunting ]
There.
- Come on. - How do you get out of here?
By the roof. Hurry up.
Come on! Hurry up!
Up you go.
What, are you out of your mind or something?
No, "tootsky." lt's the end of the line for you.
Too bad, Maria, l can't trust you.
You're Red, baby, and you're rotten.
- Freedom, no. - Yes.
Red China Man, you're next!
Shh!
Lt's me.
Ah, it's you, lover.
L was so terribly worried.
What's your name, mister?
They call me...
Freedom.
Mama! Mama! Lt's Mr. Freedom!
Oh, Mama, l'm scared! Lt's Mr. Freedom!
Shh.
Now you mustn't be scared, my big boy.
He's sweet, Mr. Freedom.
Lf you're good, you can wear his uniform.
L don't care about his old uniform. L don't like him...
and he'll kill me, Mr. Freedom.
Darling, you do like him. Everybody likes him.
- He's sweet, Mr. Freedom. - He's not a bit sweet.
- He's mean, and - and he kills everybody. - Only bad people.
No, he kills everybody. Nobody likes him. He wants to kill us.
Shut up. l've had enough.
- Mama. Mama. - Mama.
- Take him out, please. - Mama!
Mama, what the hell are you doing? Get him out of here.
Take my hand. And you, Marie Madeleine...
what the hell are you doing?
- He's a fascist. - Go on. Get out.
Busybody. Little brat.
- Come on, you. - He was afraid of me.
No. Come on. Take off your old uniform.
Lt'll keep you from sleeping, and besides, it scratches.
- Voil? - You hear that? He called me a fascist.
Oh, he's only a kid. What does he know?
- He said nobody likes me. - Everybody likes you.
They love you.
He said some terrible things.
You know why? Lt's on account of me. He's jealous.
Lt's his Oedipus complex.
Come on, baby. Beddy-bye.
- What if we're wrong? - What if who's wrong?
Me, you - all of us.
- Freedom. - What are you talking about?
Well, in the old days it was much simpler.
It was springtime.
It was a new country. Everything was clean.
The wind blew across the prairie...
warm and sweet like-
like apple pie.
America was... American.
And then the others came.
- What others, dear? - Oh, you know.
The foreigners, the niggers. All them.
The foreigners?
But the niggers - they didn't really want to come, did they?
Right. Who needed 'em?
We should have let 'em rot in their crummy, scummyjungles.
We shouldn't even have let 'em in. Locked 'em out.
Minded our own business.
But no. In Europe and Asia...
you had to start knocking each other off , so we had to feel sorry for you.
We had to keep saving you.
You could start your wars all right, but you needed us to finish 'em, right?
Right. What did it get us?
Gratitude? My ass.
- Ah, l wouldn't say that. - You wouldn't, huh?
Well, l would. L'll tell you what we got out of it all.
Your clappy, crappy sicknesses.
Your doubts. Your hate.
You infected us.
Now nobody believes in nothin' anymore.
Nobody loves nobody.
#And crown thy hood with brotherhood #
Balls. Coexistence. You crap all over us, and then you want to coexist.
Well, Freedom lncorporated says up yours!
You want to coexist? Coexist with this!
What are you getting so nervous about?
What do you mean? You heard him, didn't you?
Now nobody likes us.
Oh, you're not going to listen to that stupid kid.
- Hey. Come here, you. - L don't feel good.
Okay. Get your beauty sleep. You gotta recuperate.
## [ Organ ]
## [ Continues ]
## [ Ends ]
Look.
Lt's nothing. Don't worry, baby. You're tired.
No, it's more than that.
L'll get some Mercurochrome.
Lt'll sting.
No, it won't sting.
L'll put a Band-Aid on it.
Lt's too big for a Band-Aid.
Lt's deep.
Okay, but we gotta do something.
There's nothing you can do.
Gotta do something.
Give me your hand.
Lift yourself up, baby.
Attaboy.
There. You feel better?
L don't know. Lt's a punishment.
Oh, you're out of your mind. You're just tired.
Lt's just tired blood.
You think it's tired blood?
Look. lt's stopping.
- l'll change the bandages. - No. l'm gonna die.
L want to put on my uniform.
No. You're gonna slop it all up.
L want to sleep.
- l'm beat. - What you need is some energy food.
- l'll fix you some farina. - [ Groans ]
Listen. l'll make you a real American breakfast.
Wait.
L'm not hungry.
Oh, you love Corn Flakes.
Eat. You'll feel better.
Not too much milk. Makes it soggy.
- Like that? - Oui. That's good.
There.
Come on. Open up.
Yummy, yummy.
And it's good for you.
Another one.
[ Garbled ] No more.
Oh, yes. Come on. Eat another one for... democracy.
- And another spoonful for independence. - That's enough.
Lt's almost all gone. One more for freedom!
- l ate it all up. - There! My big baby.
Was it good? You look better already.
Okay. There's no time to lose. Now we strike back.
But first l have to call Dr. Freedom.
Aha! So, Mr. Freedom, you want to escape.
An old Chinese proverb say...
he who picks up rock drops it on foot.
That is what reactionaries do.
- Their repressions - - Red China Man!
- l'm lost. - He switched the antenna.
He did the same thing to Capitaine Formidable.
No wonder you've been feeling lousy. He's been brainwashing you.
- [ Gasps ] - That son of a bitch.
- Where's the antenna? - Huh?
There. Upper-left...
No time to lose. To our dentist!
[ Whirring ]
Good work. You have the other antenna?
[ Mr. Freedom Grunting ]
Got it.
- Wow. - Okay?
What did you do that for?
No witnesses.
- But he was working for us. - Security first. We can't trust anyone.
Now let's get going. Call the gang together- for freedom!
Lf you won't fight freedom, well, we will.
We'll do the fighting. You just give us the guns.
You want guns, my friends. We say bad peace is better than a good war.
You are broke. You need more than weapons and arms.
L help you all l can. L will send adviser and technicians.
L will raise your standard of living.
And after you have everything, you battle if you want.
- [ All Groaning ] - Don't misinterpret Marx and play into hands of Freedom!
- We want weapons! - Like you, my heart bleeds for Red Maria.
So make her a beautiful funeral, with strikes all over and marches.
Meanwhile, l'll go speak with Freedom.
It's too much! He knocks off Maria, and we're to march in a parade?
No! Not anymore! Eye for an eye! Tooth for a tooth!
## [ Singing "La Marseillaise" ]
## [ Ends ]
[ All Shouting ]
[ Man ] Freedom!
[ Gunshot ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ All Shouting ]
[ Speaking French ]
- [ Men Shout ] - [ Screaming ]
[ Screams ]
[ Loud Whistle ]
[ Whistles ]
Yeah. Yah. Yah. Watch out. Here is the boss.
- [ Mr. Freedom ] Good morning, everybody. - [ All ] Good morning, Mr. Freedom!
Friends of Freedom, a shameful attempt has been made on my life.
[ All Groaning ]
We shall not give in either to threats...
or to aggression.
We shall attack!
[ All Shouting ]
Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!
Good. This is our program.
We start with cold war.
We demoralize the population.
We harass, we terrorize, we sabotage.
If they understand their lesson, we negotiate.
I am ready to go anywhere to talk to anybody under whatever auspices to make peace.
And suppose they're stubborn?
[ Mr. Freedom ] Then... phase two!
Psychological warfare.
Systematic destruction. You all know your objectives.
Heads up, eyes right, mum's the word.
Synchronize your hearts. It's 1 1: 1 0. Freedom time!
Forward for Freedom!
- And may God be with us! - [ Cheering ]
Freedom! Freedom!
Now, l have here, ladies and gentlemen...
certain items that if they were for sale - but they aren't...
you couldn't buy for love or money, no.
Now, a once-in-a-lifetime offer.
We eliminate the middleman, direct from the Freedom Factory to you.
And l'm not talking about one. L'm not talking about two little items.
L'm talking about the whole entire complete Freedom Kit!
Ln specially designed handy Freedom leatherette.
What do you say? Okay? Take it away!
- Take it away! - Yes, sir!
Don't forget it, and you won't regret it.
L have here a little spray that's just a little special.
Just shake her, spray her and, brother, enough for an acre.
One little can this size, and there won't be a leaf left in Central Park for the next 1 0 years.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
And here, for the first time in Europe...
the pen that goes boom.
Looks just like an ordinary ballpoint pen.
Lt writes. lt even leaks. [ Chuckles ] Yes, sir.
But watch out.
There's this little ball on the top.
But there's the difference.
Now watch this. You don't push it.
- [ Clicks ] - You turn it.
- [ Clicks ] - And, baby, va-va-voom.
[ Explosion ]
[ All Cheering ]
Just the equivalent of 4,000 pounds ofT. N.T. That's all.
The pen. Complete with delayed-action percussion cap...
plus two-week supply of super-F defoliator...
plus a secret surprise gift weapon.
Lt's all in the Freedom Kit...
that Dicky Discount will have at your disposal at the rear exit!
Now, our program.
Our end, fine.
Lf not...
[ All ] lf not?
- lf not, then this! - [ All ] What is it?
- The big one! - [ All ] The big one!
Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!
Freedom! Freedom!
[ Gunshots ]
[ Shouting ]
Yes! Freedom!
[ Mr. Freedom Shouting ]
[ All Shouting, Screaming ]
- [ Man ] Freedom! - [ All Shouting ]
[ Bottles Clanking ]
The cold war. Demoralize the population!
[ Man Shouts ]
- Freedom! - Freedom!
[ Muttering ln French ]
Hey. You want to see something?
- [ Screaming ] - Cold war, phase two.
Harass the population.
- [ Screaming Continues ] - [ Chuckles ]
[ Laughing ]
Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!
Wait.
[ All Shouting ]
Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!
Now, watch this.
[ Makes Noise, Chuckles ]
lt is exactly 5:51. Hello, big papas and little mamas.
Hello, all you pals of Freedom. L announce with great pleasure...
the contest Cold War on Radio Freedom!
But to begin with, who is Mr. Freedom? Well, my friends, first he was born poor.
Dirt poor. His father worked in the sewer.
Then came the depression. They closed down the sewer.
He had only one suit. Nothing but patches, but clean.
The big one.
- Very good. - The tank.
Fifth column.
The hole.
Eighty-eight...
and 62.
Our Freedom Mouseketeers.
- Want some ice cream? - Later.
Okay, chief. And here's the Materializer...
making possible to send agents by express tubes throughout the whole of France.
[ Shouts Salute ]
[ Chattering ]
Freddie. How's the survey going?
Would you like to listen in, boss?
[ Man ] Well, politics-wise he's got some good ideas...
but psychologically-wise, Mr. Freedom made a couple of mistakes.
- [ Man #2 ] Mistakes? - [ Man #3 ] Psychologically-wise?
Listen, mister. I'll tell you what he is. He is a lousy, yellow, stinking mad dog.
- That is what he is. - [ Man #1 ] I wouldn't go that far.
[ Man #2 ] So you're anti-Freedom. So you're against.
But you gotta be for something. What's your program?
[ Man #3 ] What are you talking about? Freedom is the enemy, so we are against him.
[ Man #2 ] But you can talk to him, negotiate.
[ Man #3 ] Make a deal with him, it's a deal with the devil. You take his dishwashers, he'll take your soul!
- [ Man #1 ] Who's talking about soul? - [ Man #3 ] Look. It is not the quantity. It is the quality oflife.
- Do you want to become a zombie? - [ Man #2 ] The truth is, friend-is-is...
Freedom's just a big kid, kind of Boy Scout.
- He wants to do good. - [ Man #3 ] His program's fine overall, but he doesn't understand us.
- He'll never understand us. - [ Man #1 ] What's that?
- Good. Enough. - Christ. What kind of a percentage does that give us?
Percent.
First returns in Paris: 12%, uh, for Freedom.
76% against...
and, uh - 1 2 - 21 don't know.
[ Shouts ] They don't know? All right. They'll find out!
L'll teach them.
This is only Paris, and these are only the first returns.
Yeah. Wise guys, huh? L'll wise-guy them.
All right. While we're waiting, double your prices!
Mr. Freedom! Mr. Freedom!
A messenger from Moujik Man.
To be delivered in person. Are you Mr. Freedom?
- No, l'm Santa Claus. - Receipt, please.
[ Man ] Right, guys.
- Open it. - Look out. Maybe it's a booby trap.
[ Man ] Hit it with a Freedom ray.
- [ Electrical Hum ] - Okay.
[ All ] Captain Formidable!
Watch it. There is a card. Tornado.
"My deepest condolences.
L share your grief. Signed, Moujik Man."
They froze him. Hey, that's beautiful.
That's pretty goddamn thoughtful of him.
Hey. There are some instructions.
"Keep in a cool place.
"Can be preserved indefinitely.
Resuscitate only under doctor's orders."
Jesus. Poor guy.
- Okay. Stick him over there for the time being. - Right, men.
- 6:00 p.m., Freedom. - This is it!
Ln one hour, my ultimatum expires.
You, go to Super French Man. Bring back his answer.
To Super French Man. Five, four, three, two, one, boom.
What do you hear from the front?
Well, l think l see daylight.
We can be prudently optimistic.
Where forces are deployed, our first operations have been crowned with, uh...
enormous success.
The F.A.F. terrorists are infiltrating pretty much everywhere...
but are not supported by the people.
So they murder, they plunder and generally carry on.
- Jesus Christ. - They made a big, big fuss over Red Maria.
Ln Paris, there were 500,000 at her funeral.
That no-good bitch.
- Look, l will run it for you. - Mr. Freedom say there are-
## [ Dirge ]
l've seen enough. Lt's starting to get on my nerves.
Who was she, for Christ's sake? Joan of Arc?
Call Marie Madeleine.
At ease.
- Get Marie Madeleine. - Marie Madeleine!
Five, four, three, two, one, boom!
[ Gunshots ]
Save the machine!
- [ Shouts ] - [ Gunshots ]
Where's my combat mask?
[ Gunshots ]
[ Machine Gun Fire ]
Change the cables!
- [ Machine Gun Fire ] - [ Screaming ]
[ Machine Gun Fire ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Groans ]
[ Machine Gun Fire ]
- [ lndistinct ] - [ Machine Gun Fire Continues ]
[ Shouts ]
- What's the body count? - Grand Duc Eddie, Roger Dropout...
- Detergent - - Lt's a woman.
[ Woman ] lt's Marie...
[ Groans Softly ]
Marie Madeleine! She was a spy!
[ Mr. Freedom ] Who?
Marie. You've let me down. How could you?
You'll never understand anything.
So you never loved me.
[ Chuckles ]
How could l have missed you?
So you're the one who killed Captain Formidable.
Yes, you moron, and l'm proud of it.
[ Shouts ] You're proud of it?
Okay, bitch! You're gonna pay for that!
Marie!
No.
[ Man ] Mr. Freedom!
The Anti-Freedom have intercepted your messenger!
- [ Chimes ] - [ Materializer Clattering ]
Messenger reporting from the Anti-Freedom!
[ Clears Throat ] Freedom.
The answer from Anti-Freedom headquarters.
What does he say?
[ Screams ]
French Anti-Freedom, Red China Man, Moujik Man, everybody!
Say your prayers!
Announcement.
French Anti-Freedom has refused to negotiate. This is it.
End of cold war, beginning of escalation.
- [ All Shouting ] - Battle stations!
- [ Mr. Freedom ] Mont-Saint-Michel. - Mont-Saint-Michel!
- [ Woman ] Mont-Saint-Michel. - [ Man ] Mont-Saint-Michel.
- Mont-Saint-Michel. - Five, four, three, two, one, zero.
[ Explosions ]
- [ All Cheering ] - [ Laughing ] Samaritaine store!
- Samaritaine! - [ Woman ] Samaritaine!
- Samaritaine! - Samaritaine.
Cinq, quatre, trois, deux, un, zéro!
[ Explosions ]
- [ All Cheering ] - Mont Blanc!
- [ Woman ] Mont Blanc!
- Mont Blanc! - [ Mr. Drugstore ] Mont Blanc!
Cinq, quatre, trois, deux, un, zéro!
[ Explosions ]
- Bull's-eye! - [ All Cheering ]
- [ Man ] All right! Freedom! - Hurrah!
Hurrah!
- The bridge at Tancarville. - Pont Tancarville.
- Pont Tancarville!
- [ Mr. Drugstore ] Pont Tancarville. - Trois, deux, un, zéro.
[ All Cheering ]
[ Whistle Blows ]
Freedom break.
[ Mr. Freedom ] Thank you. You've been magnificent.
L'm very happy to announce...
that we've destroyed...
- at least half of the country. - [ Cheering ]
[ Gunshots ]
[ Whistles ]
Silence!
L hope that now they'll understand that aggression does not pay.
L'll speak to the nation. L'll grant them a truce.
- Then l'll take an inspection trip. - [ Applause ]
Let's go. Let's go.
You've heard a lot about him these past few days.
Ln a few moments, we'll have the honor...
of introducing him to you in person.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Mr. Freedom.
L speak to you as a friend.
You suffer. l suffer.
You cry. l cry with you.
And yet, at the same time, l rejoice...
for it is in suffering that we are born and our alliance will be born.
The steel of our friendship will be forged in fire...
and tempered in blood.
L give you my solemn word.
Everything that l have destroyed...
l will rebuild better than before.
You want peace. We want peace.
But your leaders do not want peace.
L grant a 2 4-hour truce.
L beg you, for your sake and for mine...
don't force me to go all the way.
Help me...
and l'll help you.
Amen.
[ Chanting In Distance ]
[ Chanting ln French ]
## [ Singing ln French ]
[ Man Speaking French ]
[ Cheering ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Radio: Static ]
[ Beeps ]
[ Faint Beeping ]
## [ TV: Women Sing, Faint ]
[ Radio: Static, Beeps ]
## [ TV: Crowd Singing "L'lnternationale" ]
## [ Stops ]
[ Beeps ]
[ Radio: Static ]
[ Groaning ]
They came back.
We couldn't do anything.
F - Freedom.
They took...
the big one.
[ Groans ]
Good-bye, Free...
Good old Dick. You're dying for Freedom.
Peace be with you. So be it.
Amen.
Lousy frogs.
Don't worry. L got another one.
Okay, you had your chance...
and you muffed it!
You asked for it...
and you're gonna get it!
[ Loud Explosion ]
[ Fires Crackling ]
- [ Clicks ] - [ Beeping ]
So, how did it go?
The enemy...
destroyed his own country.
L had to throw the big one.
L know, son, and l'm proud of you.
But to tell you the truth, it was only a medium one.
L wasn't able to give you a big one at the time.
- But we didn't lose, did we? - Heck no!
Little skirmish maybe. But not any war. Not by a long shot.
Well, nothing's signed yet anyhow.
L know, but they're bastards.
Ungrateful. Treacherous. Different.
You can't imagine what they're like.
Look. You did what you could. Lt was their fault.
They don't need us. So who needs them?
They're not ready for Freedom. They want to follow false gods, let them.
Let dogs eat dogs.
Wait till Red China Man gets his hooks into them.
They'll soon come crybabying to us. Yes.
And we shall not be found wanting. No.
We shall open up our arms. Yes.
Forgive and forget.
That is Christ's way...
and that is our way.
[ Mr. Freedom ] Amen. But if...
Look, son. Hear this.
There are many ways to skin a cat.
Lt's "F" Hour here at home. We're on the move!
Things are going our way. We're knocking 'em off like flies.
We have a commitment. This land shall be a fortress of freedom.
L need you by my side, and l have a surprise for you.
- You're promoted. - You know, sir...
my arm...
Do not look back. Do not brood.
You need a change of scenery. Take a little vacation.
Rest up. Meditate.
Now, son, let us sing together.
# F-R-double-E-D, D-O-M spells boom, boom #
- # F-R-double-E-D, C-O-M spells freedom # - [ Mr. Freedom ] # Fight for freedom #
#We fight for freedom #
- # Fight free -# -[ Dr. Freedom ] # For one and for all #
- [ Groans ] -# It's you and me-dom #
# and 10 foot tall #
[ Groaning ] Freedom for...
- [ Groaning ] For- -# We fight for freedom #
- # For one and for all # - Freedom.
- [ Dr. Freedom ] # lt's you and me-dom # - Fight for...
[ Dr. Freedom ] # Freedom, freedom #
#And oh-can-you-see-dom #
#We'll always beat 'em with #
# Star-spangled freedom ##
[ Whistle Blows ]
## [ Marching Band Continues Song ]
[ Chorus ] # We fight for freedom for one and for all #
# It's you and me-dom and 10 foot tall #
# Freedom, freedom and oh-can-you-see-dom #
# We'll always beat 'em with star-spangled freedom #
- # F-R-double-E-D, D-O-M spells # -## [ Two Bass Drum Hits ]
# F-R-double-E-D, D-O-M spells freedom #
# We fight for freedom for one and for all #
# It's you and me-dom and 10 foot tall #
# Freedom, freedom and oh-can-you-see-dom #
# We'll always beat 'em with star-spangled freedom #
- # F-R-double-E-D, D-O-M spells # -## [ Two Bass Drum Hits ]
# F-R-double-E-D, D-O-M spells freedom #
# We fight for freedom for one and for all #
# It's you and me-dom and 10 foot tall #
# Freedom, freedom and oh-can-you-see-dom #
# We'll always beat 'em #
# With star-spangled freedom ##
Yeah! Freedom!
Wow!
ENglish SubRiP =DS= 2008