Why must you be late for everything?
Well, because you only told me about it five minutes ago
That's no excuse Get changed
No, no, no This is the shirt I'm taking off
It's fine Leave it on
Look, Susan Come Stop!
Susan, I can't get dressed under this pressure
- You can finish in the car - Oh, great!
- Ben? - Yes
Oh, God
- Do you even know where we're going? - Oh I forget
- Oh - What?
- What's the date today? - The 18th
Oh
(LAUGHING)
We've got a bit more time to get dressed It's not till next week
Oh, great
(ALARM BEEPING)
The smoke alarm normally goes off when you're cooking
- The chicken! - The chicken The chicken?
Hang on If we're all dressed up to go out to dinner,
why are you cooking a chicken?
Because I put the chicken in for our dinner,
then I remembered about the party,
then I forgot about the chicken, all right?
Okay
Right, good So, as we're all dressed up and nothing to eat,
let's go out
Why not?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hi, are we the first?
I had an old friend of yours in my chair yesterday afternoon
Oh, yeah? Who?
- Fat Hillary - Only not so fat these days
Oh, don't you believe it She's back to her old fighting weight Yeah
She's no stranger to a beef and ale pie is our Hillary
Ben, that's very cruel Funny but cruel
Yeah
Anyway, she told me a bit of gossip
Ben, you know I don't like mindless tittle-tattle
Yeah, I know Sure Okay, fair enough
Well, it's obviously eating you up You might as well tell me what it is
Apparently,
Ted and Joanna Draper's marriage is in trouble
Oh, no!
Apparently they're heading for divorce
Oh, no
- I'm going to call her - Oh, no
- We've known them 25 years - What's that got to do with it?
I know friendship is an alien concept to you, but they need our support
Susan, divorce is a modern problem
Okay, it's a tragedy, but some couples just get separated from the herd
To stay hitched you got to get in the saddle and ride into the sunset
Sorry, I've been reading Westerns
They're both Janey's godparents Ted taught Michael to swim
- He's had your drill for 15 years - He's got my drill?
They're our oldest friends
Well, maybe that's God's way of saying ditch them and get new ones
Susan, calm down Susan, please, please
I'm begging you on bended knee Don't, don't, don't make the call
Please, Susan! Please!
Don't invite them for dinner!
I can't just sit around and do nothing
It's so easy Look, look, watch me Look, there you go
I just want to see how they're doing I won't even mention dinner
Oh, why do you have to add to their problems by inviting them around here?
- Joanna, hi, it's Susan How are you? - No
Yes, it's been ages
Well, yes, we should get together
Why don't you come here, 8:00?
Sounds fine See you, then Bye
Sorry, were you trying to say something?
I thought you weren't going to mention dinner
Did you hear me say the word "dinner"?
You're good, Susan You're very good
Unbelievable, just unbelievable
You'll never guess what happened at Kenzo's school today
Morning, Janey
Yeah, I had to listen to some idiot mother going on and on
about how her daughter was in a TV advert
- Unbelievable - Why?
Why? The kid's a complete troll
Unlike Kenzo Who couldn't love that face?
He's certainly a good-looking boy
And that is why we've decided to call an agent and get him an advert, too
- We? - Me and Kenzo
- He wants to do this? - Yeah, well, of course he does
Loves the idea
At least he will when I tell him
Sorry to interrupt you, Michael
It's all right, Alfie, let me just finish this
I'm ordering myself a girlfriend from Thailand Want one?
No, no, thank you
Before you know where you are, they've taken all your money,
left you for your best friend, married him and claimed UK citizenship
I'm told
So, what can I do for you, Alfie?
Well, I wondered if you might help me
produce some more professional-looking leaflets
- Aw Has someone lost a spaniel? - No, that picture is me
Oh, right
- "Alfie Butts' world tour" - "Of Chiswick"
Yes
I've already done a couple of warm-up gigs upstairs at the Dog and Duck
- How'd they go? - Pretty well, yes
All six customers seemed to enjoy it
At the end, I had two women fighting over me
Hey, not bad
No, I was crouched on the floor protecting my guitar
They were fighting over me
I'll tell you what you need, Alfie, the internet
I film you doing songs and stuff You could have your own website
Let's see if buttscom is taken
Well, it's definitely taken
I know him!
Oh, my God Bloody drains blocked up?
It's not the drains It's camomile candles
- What? - They're calming, to human beings
Listen, Ben, this has to be a peaceful, pleasant evening
No tension, no stress
- No Ben? - No chance
Okay
- Joanna - Susan, lovely to see you
And you Come in No Ted?
He's just getting wine from the car
Joanna, hi No Ted?
- No, he's just - Well, you're better off without him
- Ben - All right, Susan It's okay
Let's not beat about the bush
What's done is done It's all right, Joanna
You're better off on your own
- Hello - Until Ted gets here,
which he just has
- Ted - Hi, Ted
Bollinger '90
Ooh
So you've obviously heard about Ted and I, then
- No, what? - Oh, shut up, Ben
- Yes, we heard from fat Hillary - Oh
She said you were having a few problems and we want to be here for you
Oh, that's very sweet I really do We really do appreciate it
Good, because a problem shared is a problem halved
That's true, isn't it? That's so true, isn't it?
- Love will keep us together - As Neil Sedaka once said
Because there is nothing so broken that can't be mended
And who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?
Sorry What, what?
- Just do the drinks, Ben - Yes, I'll do the drinks Shall I
- Red would be lovely - Red
Oh, absolutely, mate Fill it up, she's driving home
Firstly, she is Joanna And secondly, she is not driving home
- Why not? - I drove last time
I drove here
Well, you never gave me the chance, did you?
But that's typical, isn't it? You make the rules You decide who's doing what
Only 'cause if I didn't, nothing would ever get done
- Somebody has to make decisions - Like which pub to go to every night?
Big decision, that
What a good idea Maybe I'll go there now
- Well, how am I supposed to get home? - Here
I'll take a cab It's safer than driving with you, anyway
You crazy bint!
You are the most selfish, self-centred man I ever met in my entire life
TED: This from Miss Self-centred 1989
(JOANNA YELLING)
- Cheers - Absent friends
Thank you
That was my latest composition, entitled Bangor For Fun
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Alfie
It's bad enough you called your album Butts Unplugged.
You can't have a song called Bangor For Fun.
- Why not? - Think about it
Why not?
- Let me explain - Oh, hello
Two men alone with a video camera? I must be interrupting something
You want something or are you just in here to bother me?
Yeah, a little from column A, a little from column B
The thing is I found a casting agent for Kenzo
She's just been on the phone She said I need a 10 by 8 glossy photo
- Would you take one for me? - Casting?
- Like for television? - Yeah
I'm not so sure that's such a good idea, Janey
History is littered with children who achieve early stardom,
only to find themselves lost in the mists of obscurity
Thrown on the scrap heap of rejection Look what happened to Colin Hawes
- Who's Colin Hawes? - Exactly
You see how quickly people forget?
Cheers, mate
All right, Henry?
You know, in all the years we've known each other,
I don't think we've ever done this before without the girls
I just want you to know it really means a lot to me You're a true friend, Ben
Have you got my drill?
Nice drop, this
I just wanted to apologise for last night
Joanna was completely out of order
You know, Ben, that woman's going to take me to the cleaners
Oh, no, surely, not Joanna
Oh, don't you believe it You think you know somebody,
but as soon as money gets involved, women go nuts
- Well, no, not all women - All women
It's in their genes You think you're going to bed with your wife,
you wake up with a vicious predator
- I'm going to lose my kids - Well, that's good, isn't it?
- My house, half my future earnings - I'm sorry, Ted Yeah
- And my pension - Shh It's all right, Ted
I know, I Oh It's okay
It's all right He's leaving his wife Not for me
- No Cheers Cheers, Ted - Cheers Good health, mate
Oh, it's such a mess We don't talk any more We never have sex
Although that is actually one of the perks
Ted's always shown signs of being a tight-fisted, selfish
You're all right, you've got Ben
Right
It's so sad when a relationship goes bad like that
I know, darling, happens to a lot of couples
Kids grow up, leave home and then they find they've got nothing to talk about
Whereas you've never shown any interest in the kids anyway
- Exactly, so problem averted - Yep
Your being emotionally stunted has served us well over the years
It's a gift
You know, Joanna's scared stiff that Ted is going to squirrel away all the assets
- so she can't get at them - Really?
Well, Ted's scared stiff
that Joanna's going to go after him for half of everything
- It's ridiculous, isn't it? - It's pathetic
I mean, what is she thinking?
- What? - Half of everything? Give me a break
You don't think she deserves half?
No, of course not No, she's not been working
as an optician for the last 25 years, has she?
No, she's been working as a housewife and a mother
(LAUGHING) Yeah, we all know how difficult that is
Yeah, we all know how difficult that is
But obviously not worth 50%
No, no, no All I'm saying is that any division of assets
should be based on contribution
Right? You know, I mean, he put the most in, he should take the most out
I'm not saying that she shouldn't get anything, of course
I mean, well, you know
Yeah, he should bung her a few quid every week,
but, you know, half? Come on, that's just stupid
- Oh, really, is it? - Yeah
I mean, it's common sense, isn't it?
And what about us? How would you value my contribution to our relationship?
Highly
You have to be more specific, Ben Put a percentage on it
No, no, we don't have to worry about things like that
Anyway, it's difficult to quantify
- Try - 15
15? 15%? I've worked as a professional tour guide
- Yeah, yeah - I now work in a gallery
Okay, okay 16%
17
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be the bigger man
19% Or, you know, thereabouts
Oh, Susan, look, we're talking about Ted and Joanna here, not you and me
Oh, no, no, no We're talking about you and me
Look, I don't know what you're getting so wound up about
19%% is not ungenerous
If you hadn't married me, you would have needed
an army of people to look after you
A housekeeper to run the house, a cook to feed you,
a cleaner to tidy up your mess, a nurse for when you're ill,
a nanny for the kids, a chauffeur to run them around
- Do I go on? - Well, you do a bit
My point is I have done all these things and more
for no salary, and you say I don't contribute?
- Now, come on Don't get all tetchy - And you'd have to pay for that as well
I want you out of my bed Out! Out! Out!
- 22%%? - Out!
(MOBILE RINGING)
- Hello? - Ben, it's Ted
Sorry to call you so late, but I just had a blazing row with Joanna
Oh, hi, Ted Well, I hope you won
You bet I gave her a piece of my mind, I can tell you
Atta boy Got to show them who's boss
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hi, Susan, it's Jo I'm sorry to call so late,
but I've just had a flaming row with Ted
Well, you just hang in there Stand up for what's yours and you'll be fine
Men are so selfish
It's like they're completely irrational
- So childish - It's all that constant nagging, mate
- I wonder if they have a heart - You wonder if they have a brain
We all know which organ they do their thinking with
They swap their brains for shoes
- Football obsessed - Shopping obsessed
- And the drinking - And the drinking
- Look, thanks for listening - Oh, any time
- Look, thanks for listening - Any time
Listen, Ben
You have a really wonderful relationship with Susan
Yeah, yeah, I know We're blessed
Would you mind asking her if she has any idea what's going on in Joanna's mind?
I'd rather not disturb her right now, she's
looking so peaceful lying here
No, Kenzo, remember how I showed you?
Not too high with the spoon We don't want to hide that lovely face, do we?
Try it again
That's better Now give a nice big smile and say the line
"Wheatie Pops, they're nutritious and delicious"
Good Still not quite there, is it?
Don't you think you're pushing him a little too hard?
Please, Mum, we're working Now, take a mouthful and say the next line
It tastes like poo
No, it doesn't It tastes "Good, good, good"
If it's so good, good, good, why don't you have a mouthful yourself?
(SIGHING) Fine
Mmm Mmm It is
- yummy: - Come on, Janey, enough's enough
Please don't turn into one of those stage mothers
who lives out their dreams through their children
And what is wrong with that?
I bet we've probably done lots of things that have fulfilled your dreams
- Mum? - I'm thinking
Ben, I've been thinking about Ted and Joanna,
and, I think, you know, maybe you were right
And here's me without my lawyer
We should never have got involved in their problems
It's nothing to do with us
All right, I want to apologise 'cause I know full well what you're contribution
is to me and this family It is a genuine partnership Okay?
- 50-50 - Straight down the middle
Good I'm glad we cleared that up
And we're gonna make it up to each other tonight in our own bed
Oh, yes
Of course, if we ever went through what Ted and Joanna went through
- Well, which we would not - Of course not
I'd like to think we'd handle things in a more mature way
- Yeah, I mean no bickering - No squabbling
We wouldn't argue about stuff for a start
- Stuff, stuff What's mine is yours - What's mine is yours
Yeah, I mean, if I wanted that,
you know, that vase or that painting or that armchair
- I'd say, "Take it" - Yeah
If I wanted the sofa, the mirror or the desk
- I'd say, "Take it" - See, that's the way things should be
Exactly Though obviously, not the desk
- Why? - That's my desk
But we bought it together
Well, yeah, we went to the shop together but that's not exactly buying it, is it?
- I picked it out - Yeah, but I wrote the cheque
Hang on, hang on Let me just clarify something
You're saying what you paid for is yours and what I paid for is mine?
No, only technically, because, you see, I wouldn't divide things up like that
because then you would end up with next to nothing and I am above such things
You've got a funny idea what an equal partnership is
- Well, guess what? - What?
- You're back on the sofa bed tonight - Oh, Susan, come on
And where do you think you're going with that?
I think you'll find that I paid for this
Tommy Sanders?
So, what's your little boy called?
- Kenzo - Stage name?
- No - Really? Amazing Has he done much?
Nathan's done eight commercials, two films and a guest spot in Alien Family.
You know the one where the little boy and his ugly friend bring home an alien?
He was in that
Well, was he the ugly friend?
The alien?
He was the little boy
Hello, Sylvia, how's little Simon? Good
You don't have to worry about him, he's a no-talent
So what's he done?
Oh, Kenzo, he
He's done Did you see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
- No - He was in that
- Yeah Finding Neverland? - No
Oh, he was in that as well The last Harry Potter.
- Oh, yes - Pity, he wasn't in that
Two lines That's all you had to remember and you couldn't even do that!
You stupid child! Come on
- Okay Kenzo Harper? - Yes
Susan?
This was a present from your Aunt Joan to me Does that make it yours or mine?
- Please, Susan - I'm just speaking hypothetically
Look, we don't have to do this We are fine
I bought you some stickers as well, green or blue?
This is so childish I want the blue ones
You don't have to run I'm not going to fight you for the desk
- Yours or mine? - Yours
- Um - Ah
- All right? - Oh, keep it
- This okay? - Yep, yep Keep it
- Oh? - Oh, yeah, yeah
- And - Oh, have it
Thank you
Oh?
Oh
Excuse me
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Ben!
The
- Already stickered - Where? Oh
- Oh, that's yours - What?
- That photo frame - I don't want that That's horrible
- I bought you that - Oh, that photo frame
- Oh, I'll have it, then - No, I'll take it
No, you won't Too late
- It's mine - No, it isn't You don't want it
Yes, I do Oh, you keep it, then
What's going on?
Your father's being an arse just for a change
It's her She wants to label everything that we both want to keep
Oh, lovely Thank you
How did my little star get on today?
- He hasn't got the part, Mum - What?
I pulled Kenzo out of the audition
You know, I don't want to end up screaming at my child
just because he chucked up his Wheatie Pops all over the director
You didn't do that
No, some kid called Nathan did I won't put Kenzo through that
Good for you, darling
You don't have to be on television to be a star, do you?
Well, actually, it wasn't all bad news
They've asked me to be the Wheatie Pops mum
Darling!
Well, Alfie, this is it, your first live webcast
Next it's sponsors, advertisers, recording contracts
- Oh, I'm gonna be so rich - You mean we
Yeah, we That's what I said So you all set?
- Yes - Right, get ready
We go live in one minute
Live?
Oh, great Hello, Wembley
Hello, Wembley?
Alfie, there are currently 23 million people
around the world about to watch you
- 23 million - And cue
Alfie
Do something
And cut
Thanks for coming around at such short notice
It's a pleasure Thanks for the invitation
Well, we heard you two were going through a rough patch, shall we say?
Are we?
We're all in the same boat Two sets of marriages down the toilet
- Two? - Toilet?
Ours isn't
Your marriage is just as much a sham as ours
- Sham? - Toilet?
Ours isn't
Anyway, we felt dreadful that our little domestic problem
had had an effect on you
So we thought maybe we could help
Fat chance
We just want you to work things out Maybe find some sort of compromise
- You're a fine one to dish out advice - What do you mean?
Compromise? You don't know the meaning of the word
Bubbly time
Hang on What are you doing with that? That's my Bollinger '90
- It's mine now - Like hell it is
(BELL RINGING)
- Dim sum? - I'll help you
- Thank you - You're welcome
TED: Well, you certainly put the kibosh on that, didn't you?
JOANNA: Me? You're ruining this evening with your petty behaviour
TED: Oh, shut up, you harpy
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Oh, that's it Here we go again
JOANNA: You pathetic specimen! The sooner I'm out of this the better!
TED: That goes double for me, you spoilt witch
What are we doing here?
I'm right behind you
- Ben, you can't - Of course I can, I'm a dentist
(TED AND JOANNA ARGUING IN KITCHEN)
(WHIRRING)
A little drop left Do you want some more?
- I'll just have half - There you go
You deserve more than half
- Are you trying to get me drunk? - Um
Little bit drunk
I'm glad we got rid of all those stupid stickers
Oh, so am I
Actually, not all of them
What do you mean?
Oh, Ben
- A little red sticker - Yeah, I know