[theme music playing]
Everyone, I'd like to invite you
to congratulate me on my new business venture.
Here's my flier.
"Tina Belcher, professional babysitter.
Good with children, bad at math, but great at baths.
Nobody puts your baby in a corner." Aw.
It's time for me to go pro. I'll have my very own business.
And I'll be the first entrepreneur in the family.
-Uh, we own a family business, but... -Right.
-Yeah. -What is it?
-Never mind. -Wait a minute, did this all come about
because we watched Sound of Music last night?
It may have had an influence.
♪ Bad at being a nun But great at having fun ♪
♪ With kids ♪
Are you sure you're ready for the big show, slugger?
Not all children are as perfect as Gene and me.
I can handle anything.
Can you handle this?
[fart noise] Ha, ha!
-I'd like to think I can. -You can't.
Remember, Tina, we need you to babysit here tonight
because we're using that gift certificate I won at the PTA raffle
to go to that hot new restaurant, Savory.
Don't worry, Mom, I penciled you in for tonight.
I was hot and new once. Now look at me.
And copy.
Just do your job, damn it.
Tina, gah! Respect the study hall.
-Yeah, it's not called "copy hall." -It's bad enough
Tammy's trying to distract us with her fancy new headband.
It's a headband, the whole story. The end.
Yeah, you guys, Tammy doesn't want to talk about
how her parents stopped paying for her hair dye,
and now she has real bad roots.
-Jocelyn! -What?
Mr. Ambrose, will you help me with the copy machine?
Oh, sure, I'd love to.
What are you even doing, Tina? Let's all focus on that.
Well, Tammy, I happen to be starting a babysitting business.
Tina, that's not a baby.
-No, I'm copying fliers for it. -Oh.
That's weird, to make it work, you have to turn it on.
-Oops. -Yeah.
Who would want to hire you, anyway?
People who like your breath when words come out?
No, more like people who like people whose hair is all the same color.
-[gasps] -Oh, no, girls, stop fighting.
Keep going. Keep going.
People will hire me to be a babysitter, Tammy,
because I'm nurturing and kind, things you wouldn't really understand.
I understand that you're being a boob pube.
Or how about an analogy?
See, I'm a good person, and you're horrible.
[growls]
Not a great analogy.
Not even an analogy.
Shh! Girls, you go ahead. But fight more fun for me.
One down, 149 to go.
Please don't ask us to help.
Yeah, my hands don't work so good. Look at them, flipping around.
No, I-- Tammy? What are you doing?
I'm gonna get babysitting jobs to pay for my hair dye needs,
-and there's nothing you can do about it. -You're as dark as your dark, dirty roots!
-Okay, well... -Well...
-Yeah, but it's kind of like... -Good point, but...
No, I understand you, but I just kind of, like...
-Well, consider this. -I see that, but...
Is this the best use of the fliers?
-Oops. -Ah!
-Again. This is the wrong place -Oh, stop it.
for your stupid fliers.
-And now I'm running away! -Ah!
[Louise] Okay, we'll leave you to it, then.
-[both panting] -Okay, quick break.
I don't have to throw up at all, but, um, if you need it...
-Hi. Hi, ma'am. -Hi. Hello.
Oh, oh, hi.
-My name is Tina. -That's not really important.
-I'm Tammy. -I was wondering--
-If you needed me to be your babysitter. -Or me. A little bit about myself.
I have a lot of experience, wear glasses, I'm responsible.
I don't wear glasses, because I didn't lose my vision
-like she would lose your baby. -Wow, coming in a little hot.
I guess we have been looking for a babysitter for Kendra.
We're new to the area. I'm Catherine.
-Well, cool. -I love your name. I love it.
-I love that name. -Want to leave me one of your fliers?
Yep, we do. And it is this one. This is the flier.
-No, more this one. Here you go. -No, I'm sure that one's trash
-for the garbage can. -Lot of good stuff in there.
-Please disregard the footprints. -Or just throw it in the trash.
-Or don't. The other one's from the trash. -Okay, got it, yep.
Linda, I'm so excited for you.
Winning that gift certificate. You give the rest of us hope.
Maybe a guy like me could win a gift certificate.
Yeah, being in the PTA finally paid off.
Now it's date night at Savory, baby.
-Oh, going to, uh, Savory, huh? -Yeah, they supposedly have a good burger.
-Have you heard of it? -What? No.
I don't know. Geez, what's with the third degree?
-Um, okay. -All right!
So I follow 10 to 40 burger blogs,
and they're raving about the Savory burger.
So what? I'm just looking. I'm not touching!
-[phone rings] -I got it.
Bob's Burgers slash Tina's Babysitting Service.
Child care this good is medium-rare.
Hi, Catherine. No, this is the right number.
Tonight? Uh, please hold.
Um, here's some hold music. Gene, hold music.
On it. Zippity bop...
Mom, can I please babysit for Catherine tonight?
-Please? -What? Tonight?
-No, Tina, it's date night. -Please?
-Please. -I was gonna put on makeup.
And your dad was gonna go shower...
-Please. -Okay, fine. I guess we can go to Savory
tomorrow night, right, Bob?
Sure, yeah, I'm available every night.
Thank you. Thanks, Mom.
-[blabbering] -Gene, Gene.
I got it, I got it, I got it. Good to go. I'll see you at 7:00. Bye.
That's how you freaking do that, people.
Call us and we'll pick you up, so you're not walking home after dark.
Oh, my God, Bob, we should have checked to make sure
-these people aren't murderers. -What?
Oh, right. Is there a way to do that, or...?
There may be an app, I don't know.
-What? -Never mind. It's probably fine.
-Yeah, yeah, odds are totally fine. -She'll be all right.
Look, if you start getting murdered, just call us.
-Right. -Okay.
If we don't answer, we're getting murdered.
[doorbell chimes]
Hi, it's me, Tina, from before.
Hello, Tina. Come on in.
We're so glad to have you both here.
Oh, um, me and your daughter?
[dramatic sting plays]
-Tammy? Tina?
-No! -What?
-I mean, hi. How's it going? -I mean, hi. Good. Really good.
So, Chris and I thought that
since we're all just kind of getting to know each other,
you two could work together tonight.
-Sure. Fine. -Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, we do only need one babysitter in the future,
so we'll just see which one of you is the right fit for Kendra.
You should know, our daughter is very sensitive.
-Very special. -Ever since we moved,
Kendra's had a hard time making friends.
-Oh, no. -Yep. [laughs weakly]
-[sobbing] Oh, God. -Chris, Chris, Chris.
He's been a little emotional lately.
Wow, that's so embarrassing.
Not the crying. The not having any friends.
Everything's great. You're all great.
Oh! It's all my fault.
It is. It is his fault.
We moved here for his job.
And it's just, it's the girls at her school.
Monsters. B-words!
-Chris! -[gasps] Sorry.
They've been bullying Kendra.
And this one gal, Laurie, she...
She kicked Kendra in her tinkle-dink.
-Pardon? -What now?
It's the word we use for crotch.
Okay, and that goes for girls and boys, or...?
Boys have a tinkle-dinker.
-Right. -Obviously.
God darn you,
well-paying marketing job that brought us here!
-[groaning] -Okay.
Let's go introduce you to Kendra.
Hey, sweetie. These are the babysitters.
Tammy and Tina.
Hey, Kendra.
Hey, girl. It's me, the fun one.
This is Mr. Boom Boom.
-Okay. -He's my best friend.
That's right, honey. [whimpers]
Oh, God!
It breaks my heart.
-Chris, come on! -We're on the clock, right?
We're getting paid for this moment, right? Just checking.
You know, I was really looking forward to going out to a nice restaurant tonight
and being a fancy lady.
A hot, fancy lady with a gift certificate.
Well, then, here's an idea. Why not bring us with you?
I mean, you kind of owe it to us.
You won this dinner because of the PTA?
Well, we made you the "P."
Yeah, we made you both "P."
-Hm. Louise does have a point. -Uh...
Oh, all right, let's go. But I'm still drinking a lot of wine.
Said the world's best mom.
So we'll call to check on you in a bit, and there's some frozen pizzas for dinner.
-Okay, bye, girls. -Bye.
Bye. Have fun, you crazy kids.
I know we will.
[both laugh]
I'm gonna babysit the crap out of this kid.
Well, I'm gonna babysit a bigger crap out of this kid.
-Ew. -Yeah.
-[Kendra] Hi. -[both yelp]
[Tina] Hey, Kendra.
Mr. Boom Boom, one of them will be my regular babysitter.
[in deep voice] "And one of them won't."
-What...? -Um...
That's right, Kendra and Mr. Boom Boom.
[in normal voice] So this is kind of like a contest.
"Mm-hm." Hm...
What should we make them do first?
[grunting]
"What about a dance contest?"
-Kendra, I don't know if this is... -"Dance!"
Okay, okay.
"Dance, dance, dance."
Aw, look at our fancy family.
Ooh. I got to take a leak.
Bobby, if the waiter comes, order me the salmon,
but tell him don't make it too fishy or squishy.
She said the same thing at the Fishy Squishery.
We were so embarrassed.
-Is everybody ready? -Uh, yes.
My wife will have the salmon, and I'll have the burger.
Great. And our chef suggests medium rare for the burger.
Okay. I mean, that's what I was gonna say.
Oh, good.
So, I guess, tell the chef that I, uh, agree with him.
He'll be so happy.
Hey, what? Huh?
Be a lamb and put me down for the lamb shank.
A little shanky-panky.
And when you serve it to me, refer to it as "shanky-panky."
And I'll take that chicken thing. Looks great.
Dad, Gene and I are going to go, um, explore.
You know us kids, so curious about our surroundings.
Shanky-panky!
♪ And that's how you pee In a restaurant, bum bum ♪
Whoo! Little ripe. I think I might have some deodorant.
Mints, gum, lotion, tampons.
A bunch of Gene's old baby teeth.
Oh, I'm not a--
Huh.
Can I get a burger to go, please? Uh, as quickly as possible.
Okay. I'll just take your menu.
-Just give-- Yeah. -[grunting] Uh-uh.
Okay then.
[suspenseful music playing]
-Hey, Teddy. -Hello.
-Ah! Gene, Louise. -Yep.
Big time.
I thought date night got changed to tomorrow night.
Does Bob know I'm here?
Bob doesn't know anything about anything.
Ordered the burger, huh?
I just had to try it, okay?
I swear, I've never done this kind of thing before.
Okay, a few times at a few restaurants
on numerous occasions, but those meant nothing to me.
And then you walked back into our place smelling like guilt.
-And other people's buns. -Oh, God.
Teddy, honey, baby, no one has to know about this
if, um, I don't know, you know, a chocolate cake to-go shows up,
distracts me from saying anything.
Make that two.
And I wouldn't say nay to a Crème Brûlée.
[Kendra] Greenlight!
-Red light. Greenlight. -[both gasp]
Red light!
"Tina moved."
-No, he's lying! -Ha!
What's the score, Mr. Boom Boom?
"They're all tied, it's intense."
I want to play hide-and-seek.
You guys go hide.
"And don't let this one find you first.
She's crazy." [sinsister laughter]
Um, Mr. Boom Boom, you are so...
-cute. -"Run!"
-[Tammy squeaks] -"One, two, three..."
[both whimpering]
[grunting]
[groans] Pretty good spot.
No one looks under a bed. Why would you? Hm.
"Kendra's secret stuff. Not letters from school."
Might just sneak a peek.
"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Stokes, today on the playground,
Kendra kicked Laurie in the--" [gasps]
Tammy? Tammy?
What? Tina, go away.
The office is my spot.
And also, if my spot smells like farts, that is not me.
-Tammy-- Ugh! That's strong. -It wasn't me.
I found a box under Kendra's bed, and it's full of incident reports.
She must've hidden them from her parents. She's not being bullied. She is the bully.
She's the crotch kicker.
That totally makes sense. She's super weird.
-[creaking] -Kendra?
[gasps] It's his office.
-Ahem. -[both yelp]
You keep doing that. I enjoy it.
You weren't supposed to look in that box.
But now that you did, you know what I have to do?
Go sit quietly somewhere?
Kick you in the tinkle-dink!
-[Tina and Tammy screaming] -[Kendra grunting]
[screaming continues]
-[both grunting] -Doesn't lock!
She's so strong! She's got bully strength!
-[phone rings] -Oh, no! That's probably her parents.
-You hold the door. -Uh-huh. Great!
-Hello? -[grunting]
Hi, Chris. Oh, yeah, doing good.
Yep, yep, oh, you want to say night-night?
-No! -Oh, look at that. Ha, ha.
She fell fast asleep.
-Oh, Mommy! -Out like a light.
-Kids, huh? -[grunts] Goodness!
-Oh, goodness. -Hang up the phone!
-Got to go!
Phew! Well, we checked this joint out.
Seems up to code.
And we didn't see anyone we know, so that settles that.
Uh-huh. Oh, a lady's going to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
Uh, your mom's pretending to be the bathroom attendant.
It's fine. It's a good date.
And our food's still not here I guess, because this place is so busy.
Huh, I didn't know restaurants got busy.
I'm trying to get some bread, but I can't get anybody's attention.
Try opening your top button.
I'm gonna go ask somebody.
No, no. No, Dad, you sit.
Yeah, you look tired. And old.
Kids, let go of my arms.
[grunts] Let go.
Go back to the table. Let-- Teddy?
-Ah! -[in unison] Uh-oh.
-Uh, what are you doing? -Oh, I was just-- I thought I dropped--
I thought I had an earring and that I dropped it.
-On the ground. -You had an earring on?
-I thought I had an earring. -Oh.
I was thinking of somebody else who has an earring.
Okay. So, wait, did you order yet?
Because, um, we're sitting over there. You could come sit with us.
I mean, I don't really want to invite you, but I guess I just did.
Right. Yes.
How thoughtful of you.
I just got to go find my waiter.
Don't follow me!
Paper towel, ma'am?
How's it going in there, hon?
Chance of rain or thunderstorms?
Kendra? Are you out there?
Mr. Boom Boom?
-You're awfully quiet. -[doorbell chimes]
What are they doing here?
Maybe someone texted them
and said that you said to come over for pizza
so that Kendra could tell her parents that you invited boys over.
-But, I mean, who would, like, do that? -Tammy.
Hey, Tina. Where's the pizza party?
You invited boys over.
[in deep voice] "That's bad."
Tina did it, if anyone asks, like your parents or whatever.
"Boys have tinkle-dinkers."
-They what? -Why does that girl talk like a gremlin?
"Kicky, kicky."
Uh, what's happening?
-No. Jimmy Jr., your tinkle-dinker! -Ha!
[yelling]
She's a crotch kicker!
She's got us cornered!
-[Jimmy gasps] -Quick. The treehouse.
[all panting]
[dramatic music playing]
-Pull up the ladder! -[grunts]
She's pretty scary.
Yeah, she's like my grandma at a yard sale,
going after our junk.
And the salmon for the lady.
Sorry, I'm back.
We ran out of tampons, so I had to improvise.
Oh. Has Teddy been here the whole time?
The burger for you, sir.
And your Caesar salad.
Yep. That's what I ordered. [laughs]
[sighs]
Oh, here you are.
Here's your to-go order, sir. Two desserts and our delicious burger.
-Uh-oh. -I don't know what you're talking about!
I told you to meet me in the alley in two hours wearing all black.
Yeah, but I didn't want to do that, so bye.
-Ah! -Well, that waiter's clearly insane.
Poor schmuck.
Let me, uh, get that dessert box out of your way.
Mm-hm. Hey, that other box seems like it's in your way, too.
Okay. I think she went inside.
This is the worst pizza party ever.
-There was never any pizza. -[sighs]
I just didn't expect her to be such a monster.
I get it. You said she's new in school.
I been there, boy. It's hard to make friends.
She just rejected them in their crotch before they reject her in her heart.
-That's beautiful, Zeke. -Preesh.
Huh. I hadn't thought of it that way.
So, what do we do now, call her parents?
-Or the police? -No.
Julie Andrews wouldn't call any parents.
Julie Andrews would march right back into that house.
And probably make clothes out of all the curtains or something.
Wait, Tina, you're going back in there?
You don't have to go, Tammy.
-Leave this to a professional. -I don't want my crotch to get kicked.
But I also don't want you to win anything ever.
-[groans] I'm going with you. -Okay. We'll stay here.
-Let us know how it turns out. -No, J-Ju. We're in this now.
We're stronger if we stick our crotches together.
Okay, fine.
Wait. I know that I've said this a lot, but this time I mean it.
We should put leaves in our underwear.
[suspenseful music playing]
It's go time.
Uh-oh. I got twigs in my berries.
Okay. Here we go.
Zeke, I'm scared.
I know, buddy. That's what makes us human.
Somebody call a lamb-ulance, because I killed this thing.
-Teddy? -Yeah?
-I know that's your burger. -No, it's not.
Stop being weird, and eat the burger.
-Please. Eat the burger. -I don't want to.
-I don't want to eat it. -Eat it!
-I don't want to eat it! -Eat the burger!
I'll take a bite! Is this what you want, huh?
-Is this what you want, you sick bastard! -Yes!
[coughing] I'm fine. I'm fine.
[sobs] Oh, God.
I betrayed you.
I betrayed us with the burger.
God, Teddy, quit making such a big deal out of it.
I don't care.
-Uh, well, I mean, except when you do. -What?
Well, we do have that rule in our family,
don't order a burger in front of Dad.
Because he's gonna ask you what you think.
Then you have to say how bad it is, or else he gets all sulky.
You turn into the Incredible Sulk.
What? That's not true.
Do you like it?
-Yuck. -No.
-It's really bad. -No.
-What's the verdict? -Awful. Awful.
-Tastes like shoes. -No.
Not bad.
-What? Get out of here. -Are you insane?
-I hate this. -I wish I was dead.
Huh, I didn't realize that I did that.
Also, your neck is weird. Not to pile on.
-[groans] Where is she? -Tell you what, Kendra.
This time when you come at me, I'm gonna do some Brazilian jiu-jitsu.
-And roll you into a tiny donut. -Zeke.
-Uh-oh. She's behind me, isn't she? -That's her thing.
-"Hello." -The jiu-jitsu, Zeke!
-Okay, all right, I'll do it! -Zeke, no!
Kendra, please, listen.
Don't be a bully, it's not good.
The world already has enough bullies. I mean, we've got Tammy.
Oh, um, whoa, what?
I'm a bully? Tina, you're the one who said that I would make a bad babysitter.
-And you called me horrible. -That was pretty harsh, T-bird.
Because you have glasses doesn't mean you're not a bully.
Because I'm beautiful doesn't mean I don't have feelings.
Oh. Wow. This whole time I pictured myself as the Julie Andrews type,
but maybe I'm more like...
The Nazis?
Oh, no. Is there another villain?
Well, anyway, Tammy,
I am sorry I called you horrible.
And I am also sorry that you called me horrible.
Are you guys finished?
Because I got my foot all ready for some kicking. [grunting]
Kendra, look,
maybe we all have a little bully inside of us.
Maybe when we think people are being mean to us,
it can make us mean.
But even if people are horri-- Difficult,
we have to resist.
We have to try to be nice.
Maybe it'll bring out the nice in other people, right, Tammy?
[groans] You talk like homework.
And eventually, Kendra, when the right person comes along,
maybe you'll find a friend who's not a bear.
No offense, Mr. Boom Boom.
"Do it, do it, do it. Kick, kick, kick.
Oh, my dink."
Okay, now I'm good.
Wait. One more.
"Oh, Nellie."
So, everyone, I thought about what you guys said,
and I'm not gonna do that anymore.
I don't want to be that guy.
[all mutter]
-Okay. -Yep. And so that is over.
-All right. -So, moving on,
I do have some thoughts about the burger,
but I'd like to hear first from Teddy.
-So, Teddy? -Yeah?
-What'd you think? -I...
-No, no, no. Don't. -Uh-uh.
Teddy, no. It's a trap.
Teddy, don't listen to them.
I seriously really want to know your opinion.
Uh... Uh...
I'm not doing the thing that I was doing before.
-I really want to know. -No, I know. Uh...
-Teddy, run. Just run. -So why don't you tell me.
-Run, Teddy. Run. -I...
-Don't look back. Teddy, go. -I-- I, uh...
-I hated it? -Yeah? Me, too.
[sighing and laughing]
Yeah. Yeah.
[stammers] It was a little dry, right?
Yeah, so dry. The bun was okay, though.
-Teddy, no! -Teddy!
I have some really bad news.
The gift certificate didn't cover the bill.
You still owe $35.
I got it.
-Is this too tight? -No, it kind of feels good.
Oh, no. It's her parents!
Boys! Turn invisible, or jump out the window.
-Let's go window! -Tammy, stall them.
Hi. How was the movie?
Tell me every single plot point. What was the movie about?
[grunting]
Hey, let's see who can make the funniest faces. Go!
We just want to look in on Kendra.
No, no, no. I mean, yes.
Because she's sleeping so beautifully.
Okay, no monsters under there. Kendra wanted me to check.
Oh, she's asleep. That's good.
Shh! How was the movie?
Okay, thanks, girls.
Hey, maybe we'll hire you guys as a team again next time.
Well, we did it.
And, Tammy, if we can do that together, then there's nothing we can't do together.
-Boring. Later, fudge-butt. -[groans]
There's my little Cutie Andrews.
How'd it go, Tina?
Oh, nothing I couldn't handle.
Speaking of handles, what's, um...
-What's going on down there? -Oh, right.
[Bob] Okay, that's odd.
[Gene] So that's where leaves come from.
♪ Bad at being a nun ♪
♪ But great at having fun with kids ♪
♪ And that's how you pee in a ♪
♪ Restaurant, bum bum ♪
♪ Bad at being a nun ♪
♪ But great at having fun with kids ♪
♪ And that's how you pee in a ♪
♪ Restaurant, bum bum ♪
[Gene] Shanky-panky!