This programme contains some strong language.
INAUDIBLE
It's time to welcome our next brave pair of celebrity players.
Max and Paddy, alias comedians Peter Kay and Patrick McGuinness.
APPLAUSE
Hello there!
Hello!
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
Sit down.
I can't get up, I can't get up. Get up, my friend.
It's like a ventriloquist act. It was that turkey.
Peter and Patrick, or Max and Paddy,
are on the road to �1 million for their charities...
Oh, I like that! It took seconds to write that.
..if they can answer 12 of the questions.
They have three lifelines to help them,
but they must agree on
every single answer and every decision,
which will probably be a television first.
Right, lots of luck to both of you.
Let's play "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?"
Question number one is for 500 quid.
Well...
A, the Beatles. Next. Correct. LAUGHTER
That's the right answer. You've got �500. There you go!
Let's see number two. Here it comes.
Do you know that? Yeah. Well, say it then.
All right. Morocco.
It's the right answer. You've got �1,000.
Cos you feel guilty about the environment.
Honest to God, I feel bad.
I can't put a can of Coke in t' bin at home, me, now
without getting it out, putting it on the side with all the recycling.
I spend my life marching to the bloody bin outside wi'
armful of recycling every bloody day.
I've got pea juice running down me arms and can of beans
slashing wrists open.
Chuck 'em in.
Back again.
Another load?! I've just been! Robinson's cordial, Lenor.
Christ almighty! This is my life.
What colour bin is out this week, love? What colour bin is out?
Is it green? Is it blue? Is it black? Brown? Maroon?
I just copy the old people over the road, me.
Whatever bin they've got out, I copy,
because old people live for putting their bins out.
Oh, they do.
It's the main focus of their entire week!
They've got blue out. I'm putting bloody blue out.
They're either demented or colour-blind over the road,
but our blue bin's not been emptied
for six pissin' weeks now, I tell you.
It's a disgrace. I am going to fly-tip it. It stinks.
# One!
# One! #
We've got one of the most experienced cameramen
in the business.
But, actually, it's Peter Kay. Peter Kay!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, love.
Hello.
Look at that!
Look at that.
Where are you?
Wahey! Oh...! Where have they gone?
Hello, everybody! THEY CHEER
Hey, I'll film you! You film me!
Oh! ALEX LAUGHS
The show's over now. That's it.
Half an hour of this.
Hi, Peter. Have a seat.
People will think this is a bit weird,
but you do this sort of thing at the beginning of your shows, don't you?
I did. Yeah. I'm not on tour...
Hiya, nice to see you. Hi, mate, how are you?
Lovely to see you. Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas.
Hello, Peter. Hello... MUFFLED SPEECH
Lovely to see you. Hello, Britain. LAUGHTER
You've got a DVD out. We're not going to show... Where is it?
It's not here yet. Is it not on the floor here? No, no, no...
There's a man on the floor there. Shh! Aw!
Dave, Dave, forget it. Get out. He's ruined your joke.
There's a man on the floor. Forget it. Oh...
Oh, sorry. Yeah.
Sorry, Dave, I thought you wanted help.
People don't ruin your show... I thought he'd had a stroke!
I thought it were... that advert - "Act FAST!"
He was going to hold a big cat... Dave's big moment. Sorry, Dave.
His great-grandchildren were looking forward to that.
Bring him back. Can we watch a VT about fishing?
Not yet. We haven't got any of those yet.
Have you heard of animal photo-bombing?
No, but you're going to show a VT on it. Let's watch. No, we're not.
That's why Dave was lying on the floor. That's what Dave were doing?
He was going to do this, and it was going to be hilarious,
but now it's too late for that. Sorry, Dave.
Here's one that will look similar to, hopefully, the ones
the viewers send in to us.
See it? Spot the Shih-tzu down here.
Spot the what? LAUGHTER
If you want you flick over to Emmerdale, feel free.
There won't be effing and blinding here.
This is a dog, a little dog here called Whisper. Whisper.
Look at him. Right? Or she. You never know.
Or a she. Is it a bitch?
So, if you have any pictures of your animals bombing photos,
then please send them in.
Please send them in, cos they've 18 minutes to kill.
APPLAUSE, TENSE GAME SHOW JINGLE
Too late.
Just waiting for that man on his keyboard backstage.
HE IMITATES JINGLE
But from now on, it's the music that slowly undermines
your feeling of security...
No, you do that!
It's nothing to do with the music -
it's you playing Jedi mind games on people.
OK... You're a little tinker, you, Tarrant. Isn't he just?
Just give us the answer straight away - none of that "Are you sure?"
No, no. I only do... You do answers, me do questions.
Right, that's fair enough. Here we go.
For �2,000, here it comes.
LAUGHTER
Come in, McGuinness.
Do you not know this?! Honest to God, me mind's just gone blank.
Get out of town!
"Tarrant, get on with it, hurry up."
This is your department! I did Casablanca - you do this!
Are you playing games now?
This is... I do... I do pink cheeses and you do everything else.
Shut up a minute! Let me have a think!
I can't believe that. It's just gone blank, me head.
Sit back and relax meself now, cos...
I cannot believe this. I think it's...Italy or Brazil.
Oh, no, all the way down, I went, "Don't worry -
"if there are any football ones, I'm your man."
You know what else he said?
"We are NOT using a lifeline
"till we get to 20 grand."
Do you know what, Pete?
I think we're going to have to ask the audience on that.
Cos I think it is...
Everyone will be at home, people, all me mates
will be screaming at their telly now and what have you...
All your what? Yeah, me mates, sorry.
My mind's gone blank.
We're going to have to ask the audience, my friend.
It's all right!
Right, audience, for �2,000, first lifeline they've needed.
This is the question.
Oh, well, that's what I said. What?
I were thinking Italy or Brazil
anyhow, but... It's... Yeah, Italy.
Final answer?
Final answer, Christopher. Final answer, Christopher.
You don't know! Christian. You haven't a clue! Christine.
You haven't a... It could be Australia... Christabel.
You know nothing about football, Peter kay.
Well, if it's not...! 72% based on these lot, I tell you now,
they got in for nothing.
Honest to God!
If you haven't got that right, then, please, God, come on.
Final answer? Yeah. Final answer.
It's the right answer! Oh, flippin' heck.
Wahey!
I've started doing me shopping online, get on t'internet.
You book your slot and then they come with that van
and bring your shopping - and they give you those swaps!
Like, I asked for Angel Delight and gave me Cillit Bang.
Why do they go together? How's that a fair swap?
And all me fruit and veg were rotten. I swear to God.
I said, "It's supposed to be FRESH fruit and veg, this.
"It's drippin' out of the bottom of the carrier bag.
"I'm not making hooch. What's this you've gi' me?"
So I'm back to the big shop now every Friday.
Me and me mum, parent and child, every Friday.
Shop when you're hungry. That's my advice - shop when you're hungry.
I'm a bugger for the chocolate aisle, me. Chucking it all in.
Triple chocolate cookies and mint Viscounts and Penguins
and Breakaways.
What year is it? Chucking it all in.
Limited edition Kit Kats. You've gotta get 'em!
They're limited edition! You've gotta get 'em!
You don't know how long they're going to be out.
Chuck 'em in. Two for one.
Then you get to the check-out and you scan,
see who's not got a big queue.
"There's one down here, Mum, one down here."
"Just closing now." "Oh, fuckin' 'ell..."
"Happy to help" my arse. Move down here.
I get in a queue, me, a big queue, and I stand behind them
with half a pint of milk, giving it the cat's eyes from Shrek.
Like that.
"Is that all you've got?"
"Do you want to go in front?" "Mum!"
Mum's like, two trollies, buckled wheels.
It's an amoeba, a single cell. And this is it feeding.
TV: An amoeba can change shape easily.
By pushing itself forward, it engulfs its food.
Oh, bloody hell.
That's fine if you're a single-celled organism.
But if you're just one...
Sorry, guys.
And who should pop his head out of the next tent?
Mr Robert De Niro.
Loves Pwllheli.
He was there with his family.
He's doing another Deer Hunter in Rhyl.
Absolutely hammered him at Swingball.
Whoa!
Wind the window down. Wind it down.
Not as clever as you think, are you?
What about this?
Eh? Nothing gets past these.
Cheers, mate. See you, lads. Nice one.
# Round the corner from my block
# There's a place with a private knock
# Where I know we can really rock
# Only open at night...#
Just let me get this straight again.
Two lads walk in, off the street, and take the television
and you did nothing?
We thought you'd arranged it.
Arranged what? They were wearing overalls.
Oh, overalls?
Well, excuse me, then.
Overalls?
Oh, well, that was, Jesus H, that was a brand-new set, that.
The world's gone mad. They were probably drug addicts.
In overalls?
Where did you get that new motor from? Somewhere.
Must have cost a bob or two?
It must have. I traded my Shopmobility.
For a Cadillac?
If I'd been on the ball,
I'd have worn overalls and driven it out of the showroom.
Oi, this snooker table is knackered. Are you getting it fixed or what?
Has he not been yet, Eric? No, he hasn't.
You should have told them to take that thing.
He only had a Citroen.
Have you heard?
Have you heard the amazing story about the �63 million
unclaimed lottery ticket?
No, but are you going to show a VT on it?
Yes, we are. Yes, we are, Peter.
And by the way, this lottery ticket expires next Wednesday,
in five days. Let's watch.
Yeah, and if you did the lottery and live in Stevenage or Hitchin,
about six months ago and bought a ticket. Hitchin?
In case you were there, Hitchin.
I've had one ball for two weeks, me.
Hello, Games Sans Frontiers. Eric? It's Brian.
Brian? How's it going? It's not going.
It's still here and it's crooked as you.
What do you mean? What's up?
I've got a deformed snooker table,
a Nazi bandit that pays out in Deutschmarks
and a flaming condom machine that's ten years out of date.
And? And, would you suck a ten-year-old banana? No.
No, neither will they.
You feel all right? It's hurt me, that one.
It's one of those weird ones where everybody is so used to Brazil.
It's all coming back to me now but it's a bit late for that. It is.
Ten minutes too late. I know.
That's way I stay out of sport.
Is that your main reason? Yeah.
Did you ever do sport as a kid?
I chased that stray Alsatian off the pitch.
We used to go to Willows Park and play on there
and there always used to be, right in the middle of the game,
there was a woman who would go across with a pram
and everyone had to stop playing.
She'd be like, "Are you all right, Pete? How's your mum?"
"Right." I could have died!
Have a look, it's question number four.
Stars.
So what are you saying? Stars.
Why is he saying that? Why is he so confident?
Because he obviously knows the answer.
Yes. Do you know the answer? Not a clue.
I suppose you've done yours.
Are you sort of burnt out now after your one?
I don't follow the Chinese.
Although I do like my chicken and black bean sauce, Chris.
I hold my hand up, I'm not made of wood.
We're not actually doing a menu at the moment.
We're in the middle of a show for money.
The menu! The menu.
Are you going for stars? Yeah. Is it your final answer?
Final answer, Chris. It's the right answer.
Hey!
�5,000.
So, you get home with all your shopping,
all your chocolate treats on a Friday.
Can't shut cupboard door for jam Wagon Wheels.
"Start Monday, I'll start Monday.
No point in trying to start Friday.
It comes to something when I can't have a bit of bloody chocolate
on a Friday night and treat myself.
"I'll start Monday."
Problem is, there's 52 Mondays in a year, I say that every week.
Start Monday with a detox.
Hot water and a squirt of Jif Lemon.
Second bowl of Special K, trying to drop a jeans size.
Oh, God, I can't go on.
Bloody migraine, it's killing me, this.
I've only been on two hours.
I didn't start till the end of Jeremy Kyle.
By the end of This Morning,
I'm upstairs in the bedroom in the full-length mirror
seeing if I've lost owt.
I must have lost something there. I must have lost something now.
By Wednesday, I'm like a junkie. I'm on my arse.
Not so cocky about my cupboard full of chocolate then,
when I've nothing left, when I'm stood on the chair in the kitchen,
seeing if anything's fallen down the back of the cupboard.
Must be something, anything.
A bloody Mini Egg, something down the back.
Rich Tea, a lot of shit, must be something here.
Oh, jam mini roll. I got a jam mini roll.
Jam mini roll's like a banquet in our house on a Wednesday,
a jam mini roll.
Know what I hate, when you see a tin of Celebrations on the side
and you open it and it's a sewing kit.
That's oh...
Doesn't that mess with your mind, that? What's all that about?
Oh, will you stop doing this?
A needle and thread, Velcro and buttons.
My mum's got one, a tin of Roses, she's had it 26 years.
I fall for it every time when I go up.
I open it, bandages and paracetamol.
Plasters.
On the antihistamines trying to find a caramel barrel.
Vicks.
OK, you have �5,000.
Question number five is for 10,000.
You have a 50-50 and you still have Phone A Friend.
Here it comes.
You're the one with the kids.
Climb on.
No, that's not fair.
Why is it my fault, because I've got children?
Well, because I suppose you might read children's books with them.
Oh, I do, I do read, but I don't read Dick Bruna.
Now, what do you think?
Did they, er...
Did they used to film 3,2,1 in here?
What?
No, if you look there. Where?
Just there, just there.
Have a look up there, Chris?
Just...
What?
No, no, no!
A cunning plan.
Caught red-handed.
I tell you what, some very rude texts on your phone, Peter.
Hey, you stay out of my inbox.
Now, come on.
I don't want to go down that... well, we've had to use a lifeline.
We? Sorry, me.
WE had to use a lifeline?
Hey, stars on China's flag, where were you then, my friend?
That's your department. What, flags?
I'm films and telly.
And songs. Films, telly and songs.
Miffy, it sounds like... I don't know.
If anything, it sounds like a rabbit to me.
Right, let's go with rabbit then. What? Let's do it.
I'm not wasting another lifeline.
Oh, God, C, final answer, rabbit.
C, final answer, just dive in there.
What have you just done there?
Because once you go to final answer, I can't change it.
It goes to orange, that's it.
What you doing to my hand? Please.
Just go with me, Pete.
It's the right answer.
Yeah!
Hey, hey! Hey, hey!
What, what, what?
Why are we pointing?
You talked us out of a lifeline there, my friend.
I was just trying to make you...
ALL TALK AT ONCE
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh!
The doors won't open. Are you joking?
What a BLEEP balls up!
And it was a place like this where women would have
the unenviable chore... WHEELS SQUEAKING
of scrubbing and squeaking their wheels.
Is that squeaking bit in?
One night in Bangkok?
Try three months.
Fiona, I've never known pain like it.
I just thought I'd tell you that.
And it was a place like this where women would have the
unenviable chore of scrubbing
and cleaning their weekly washing... WHEELS SQUEAKING
before hanging it out to dry.
Weren't you the victim of an assault in March 2004
for being a transsexual?
STOMACH RUMBLING
Excuse my stomach!
SHE FARTS
SQUEAKING WHEELS
A Victorian...
I owe everything to Dr Fung Dot To!
# Mahna mahna do doo de-do-do
# Mahna Mahna Do doo...#
Bittersweet, I know but, every crowd!
Cloud!
It's brilliant, I know it's bittersweet
but every cloud has a silver...
Lining!
# I've never felt such emotion
ELABORATE PIANO RUN
# I'm working on air... #
Don't, don't do that. You see.
Think you're Liberace!
No, it's tragic, absolutely tracker.
Tragic? Trackers. Absolutely trackers.
Oh, thanks very much. Thank you, thanks a lot.
Well done. Thank you.
Bye.
The name of tonight's winning act is...
Geraldine!
Congratulations!
Congratulations, Geraldine!
Fucking hell!
Now, you have two lifelines remaining.
Yeah, thanks to us!
Thanks to Miffy, the bunny rabbit. Yeah.
This is question number six for 20 grand.
Torquay.
I would phone that fella up.
Do you know what I'm saying about this skyscraper,
you think, New York and you agree with that.
Yeah, but that might be a trick.
There are no trick questions on... Millionaire.
Why the pause before "Millionaire"?
No, there are no trick questions, Peter Kay.
"There's no trick questions on... Millionaire."
Did you have to think what game show you were on there? Yeah!
You're right, it's called Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
There are no trick questions.
You're looking very confident, Paddy... I'm not, I'm just...
I'm looking, because we're only one more away from 50,000,
and I'm thinking if we can get through without another lifeline,
we, you know... We'll get... we'll get to a million today, now.
Easy. Do you think? Oh, easy.
If we phone Kevin up...
Is this this fella you brushed past in a tent?
This is, this...this...this bloke,
he does a programme called Eggheads.
He's the, he's, like, world quiz champion, Mastermind...
Yeah, but how would, how would YOU know HIM?
He's got his orbital sander.
LAUGHTER
It's, er...
Of course he has. And basically I want it back. OK.
What he does, Patrick,
when he's not being a chancer on national television,
he hires out power tools. Yeah.
And he lent one to this fella off Eggheads...
Who MIGHT know the answer to this?
Well, he got it back, but without a plug. Yeah.
He's like that, Kevin. Isn't he? Yeah.
RINGING TONE
Tell me where the plug is? Why were there no plug on that sander?
Kevin? Hello. Er, I've got Paddy and, er, Peter here,
it's a bit of a trial, frankly, but...
Where's his plug? Where's his plug?
They're on �10,000. Right. The next voice you hear will be Paddy's.
Kevin, the Home Insurance Building,
one of the world's first skyscrapers,
was in which city?
Boston, Chicago, New York or Los Angeles?
I'm pretty sure... Can you say them again, Paddy, sorry?
Boston, Chicago, New York, Los Angeles.
I'm pretty sure it's Chicago. Chick-ago. Thanks, Kevin.
You're a gentleman, Kevin, I love you. Good luck.
Kevin, have you got Paddy's orbital sander?
A plug, he gave you a sander, but it came back with no plug on, Kevin.
Give it back to him.
Ah! We'll never know. We'll never know, will we? Oh.
Chick-ago. Final answer? Chick-ago. Chick-ago, Christine.
Put your tongue away, man.
It's the right answer!
Come on!
Mr Warburton, there's a Mr Kay here to see you.
There he is, Mr Bread! Aha!
I were just passing. Is it true you're 141 years old this year?
Yeah, we started in 1876...
Bingo! You've given me an idea for one of those steamy period dramas.
Strap yourself in, John, and listen to this, you're going to love it.
It's an epic tale of passion, flour and a woman stood on an 'ill.
Our heroine, Helen, dreams of a life dedicated
to baking her seeded batch loaf, but her father, he has other ideas.
Helen, dearest, people are talking. You must choose an 'usband.
There's more to life than baking, Helen!
I play your great-grandfather, Thomas Warburton,
a dashing seed salesman from Bolton.
Ellen is overcome by Thomas's intimate knowledge of seeds,
and his fancy footwork.
TECHNO POP MUSIC
# Time can do so much
Are you
# Still mine?
# I need your love... #
RINGTONE
Hang on.
Auntie Barbara.
Hello? I'm with him now, down at Warburton's, lad.
Yeah, he's shot up! Come on!
"Do you do garlic bread?"!
Garlic bread?
No, they don't do it. No, he's not an actor.
Is he hell?!
All right, bye-bye. Where were I?
Suggestive kneading. Ah!
MAN CLEARS THROAT
This seedy affair is over.
Lads? Hey!
But, Father, Mr Warburton has everything I need.
Sunflower seeds, sesame seeds, poppy seeds, millet seeds and linseeds.
You are marrying Mr Ponceworth. He's got a future.
He's from Leeds!
Leeds?!
Do you, Barnaby Lillian Ponceworth, take...?
Helen!
Whoa, Kayleigh.
When all seems lost,
Thomas returns to make the ultimate romantic gesture.
Oh, no, no, forget that, I'm not going in there. No, no, no.
I've done the frilly shirt and the horse, that's your lot.
Come on, come on! One word from you will silence me forever.
Well, here's two, son.
Have it!
Miss 'elen? Oh, yes, Mr Warburton?
Will you start a nationwide bakery business with me?
Oh, Mr Warburton, that would be absolutely banging!
Well, let's do it!
How about it, Johnny? Lads.
Oh, no, come on, what do you think? It's a winner, I'm telling you!
Hey, you're squashing my baps!