It's Jeremiah.
I'm desperate.
My son was about to defy God...
by going to that blasphemous Kiss concert.
In that case, come right in.
He and his mom just went into that church.
Can I go and say good-bye to him?
Beth, I am not gonna let you wander the streets after dark.
I'm not going to wander. I'm just going over there.
Fine. As long as we know where you are.
Thank you.
Don't be too long. We need to get back on the road.
-Stuart. -Just relax.
She's probably got a crush on the kid or something.
Hey, chief, need a ticket?
Second row, center, but it's seventy-five clams.
Aw, man, this is all I got. Look.
Scare up the extra gravy.
Brother, take it easy.
Where am I supposed to find that kind of money in an hour?
Well, um... check it out over there.
There's a contest going on.
You take off your pants, shake your wee-wee, get $100.
I can't take off my clothes and dance like that, man.
That's embarrassing, man.
Check it out, man.
The question you got to ask yourself is...
how badly do you want to see...
the greatest fucking rock-and-roll show...
on the fucking earth, right?
You're talkin' Gene and Paul live, y'all.
I'm talkin' about voluptuous women in the audience.
I'm talkin' big breastesses in tight vestesses, my friend.
You're talkin' people passin' around joints in the audience.
You're talkin' about Detroit Rock City, brother.
Shake your wee-wee.
I got stage fright.
And they're playing fucking disco over there.
Shit or get off the pot, rock star.
You want to dance?
Or see Kiss on album covers for the rest of your life?
Mmm, second row, center, brother.
Go shake your wee-wee.
You're gonna have that ticket for me, right?
Oh, yeah, man, you got my solemn oath...
as a public servant.
Go for it, brother.
All right.
See you around.
Hey, chief, you need a ticket?
Seventy-five bucks, second row, center.
I'm gonna beat my ticket...
out of some poor defenseless chump.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, whatever, reefer-head.
You fuckin' burnout.
Take it off, honey!
Gimme!
Don't do that.
I need to sign up for the contest, please.
You're a little scrawny, but thanks to the concert...
we're low on amateurs. Name?
Pick a song, Hawk.
You got any Kiss?
Doubtful. Drink?
Yeah. A man's drink.
Oh, God.
What's this?
You've never seen a bourbon on the rocks before?
Save your money, stud muffin.
Lady at the end of the bar sends her love.
Oh. Shit.
Cheers.
God!
It's gone bad.
Hey, you little twerps.
Give me your Kiss tickets, or I'll pop yourfaces in.
But we don't have any Kiss tickets.
Yeah. Kiss sucks!
What? I ought to kick your asses for saying that.
Give me this instead. Now scram! Get out of here!
Cool.
Simple Simon comin' at you.
It's thirty minutes and counting until Kiss hits the stage...
tonight at Detroit's very own Cobo Hall...
but until then, here they are with "Shock Me"!
Rock on, Ace!
Hey, little kid!
Shit! You just stumped my last ball, you--
Scream and I'll kick your head off.
OK, booger, your Kiss ticket or your life.
Please, sir, don't beat me up.
I do have a Kiss ticket but not on me.
Oh, likely story. Now hand it over, punk.
No, really. My brother's holding it for safekeeping.
Please, let me get him for you.
Hey, Chongo.
Look, little kid...
I don't need to see Kiss that bad.
Don't try to run, you maggot.
Chongo's an all-state track star in every event.
Lookit, man, you can have my wallet, OK?
I was gonna take your wallet anyway...
after Chongo and his friends crush your ribcage...
Iike a pack of Luckys, punk.
This fairy giving you shit, bro?
He was gonna mug me for my Kiss tickets.
That's nuts.
I said, "Hey, little kid...
"you know where I could take a piss?"
OK, pimple dick, you have the option of walking outside...
or gettin' dragged out.
Please, sir.
Don't kick my ass!
I'll do anything to get out of a beating.
Say, Chongo...
perhaps we could use some extra cash...
for tasty snacks at the Kiss concert...
our weaselly friend won't be attending.
Hey, move those lights over there.
Hey, you.
Man.
Hey, come back here!
Shit!
Come here! Come here!
All right, wise guy. You are so out of here.
Fuck! Keep your paws to yourself, you dumb ape.
Where'd he go?
It's been a while since my boy had Holy Confession.
Could you please--
Consider it done.
It is about time...
you gave up that stupid dream of yours once and for all!
No son of mine is going to be a career musician...
ever, ever, ever!
Madam, madam.
We are in a cathedral.
I'll walk you out.
Sorry. Sorry.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
This is my first confession in a...
really long time.
That was our Viking Patrick Hirsch...
and he's hung like a Norse.
Our next amateur has a name like a bird...
and if you like birds, you'll like this.
It's just a swallow.
So, put your hands together, make him feel at home...
and please welcome...Hawk.
Oh, shit.
No, no, no, no. No way, man.
You're not going to chicken out now, are you?
You're right, Deacon.
You're right, man.
Shit! What am I saying? I got to do this.
It's for Kiss.
Oh, my God!
Oh, the stink!
Man! Dang!
Man!
Come back here, you punk!
Move!
Move it!
Get off me, you bitch!
Get up. Come on, move it, sweetie.
Watch it, asshole.
Where is he? Where did he go this time?
Two hundred bucks?
My time's precious...
and that's a reasonable price to pay for your sorry life.
Hold on, man.
Look, I know how I can get the money.
I just figured it out, man.
But you might want to wait outside.
I don't trust him.
I think he's on the level.
He's too stupid to do anything sneaky anyway.
Look at him. He's a moron.
You got fifteen minutes and not a second longer.
Are you sure that you don't want to talk about...
oh, carnal knowledge with a neighborhood girl?
Or how about finding a box of magazines, huh?
Under your dad's bed?
Then I suggest you think of something...
a little juicier to confess than losing Kiss tickets.
You waiting for a confession? I thought you were Jewish.
I have a confession.
I didn't mean for that to be so intense.
I can take it.
I've been in love with you since the moment I saw you.
I've just always been too scared to show it.
That's exactly the same way I've always felt about you.
Jeremiah, really?
Really.
And call me Jam.
It's my band name.
And now, for our grand prize of one hundred dollars...
Don't worry, ladies. I'm not competing.
If I did, you'd want your money back.
And the winner is...
Sir Loin!
Hey, don't look so sad.
The night is young--
filled with compensatory possibilities.
Oh, thanks for the drinks.
That was really generous.
There's no reason for me to be around these parts anymore.
I'm in a position to spend some money on you...
if you'd get in a position and spend some time on me.
I can't believe you're thinking of robbing this store.
You don't pass "Go" and collect two hundred dollars...
for pulling stuff like this.
No shit. Is this really worth it?
Sure, you're going to get your ass kicked...
nine ways to Sunday by that fucking gorilla...
but that's still a hundred times better...
than getting it porked for the next three to five.
What about that girl, Trip?
She'll never forget this night.
Even if you get away with it, she'll be scarred for life.
When are you going to realize that sometimes being tough...
means being tender?
All right, everybody, shut up!
I'm going to have to do this sometime.
Might as well be now.
Evening, honey.
You know what I am, what this is...
and what you need to do, so let's do it quick.
Everybody else...
kindly introduce yourselves to the floor and kiss it hello.
Do it or die, bitch.
I'm just a high school kid.
Fuck school!
I went through the motions till I was old enough to drop out.
And where's all that studying going to get you tonight?
Robbed at gunpoint and possibly shot in the fucking head!
Hey, scumbag, drop it, or I'll blow your head off.
You and what army?
The Kiss Army.
Oh, God, they're in there.
Oh, shit!
Come on!
God, if you get me out of this...
I swear I will never pull my pork again.
Give me your gun, boy.
You give me your gun, boy.
I don't even think you have a gun.
Neither do l.
For the last time...
take the piece out...
Iay back down...
or your mom's going to need Mr. Clean...
to get the brains out of your ski cap!
Thank you.
Who are you?
Eh, they call me Dr. Love.
Is it true that Gene Simmons...
had a cow's tongue grafted onto his real tongue?
I think he, uh...
had the piece of skin under his tongue removed...
so he could stick it out farther.
I was going to send you this, but...
Ann Arbor?
Yeah. My dad's company is relocating him.
That's why I was acting so freaky at school today.
I thought it'd be the last time I'd ever see you.
Oh, fuck.
You'd better have something really sinful for me this time.
All right, Father, here it is.
I feel a little ashamed talking to you about this...
but I went to my cousin's wedding...
and one of the bridesmaids...
asked me if I wanted to take a bath.
This is terrible.
This girl was a total fox...
so I finally gave into temptation...
about a block away from the wedding reception...
at this little motel that charges by the hour.
When she peeled off that gown...
you are not going to believe what she was wearing underneath.
Was it a teddy?
A bustier?
Satin underwear?
Crotchless panties?
Leopard-skin bra?
Fishnet leotard?
A leather G-string?
All right, guys, here. You want a sandwich?
Come on. Go. Go!
OK, fuck it, man. I give up.
Oh, God, man, what now? Wolves?
All right.
I jump in the car. I hot-wire it in thirty seconds.
I start driving. Suddenly, I hear this scream.
The disco queen was asleep in the backseat the whole time.
What are we going to do with her anyway?
I don't know, but she looks like fun.
Hey, hey, take it easy.
Ah, God.
You don't want to get any whiskey dick around here.
Of course, you don't have to worry about that.
Aw, shit.
I see you've met Premature Peter.
I'm sorry.
That's OK.
It's been quite a night.
So far, you've seen me and my dick throw up.
I'm sure there's more where that came from, right?
Now come here.
You guys better kill me...
before you do what you're thinking about doing...
because when I get angry, I can bite down very hard.
Sweet Polly Purebred's got some spunk, huh?
I'll give her some spunk, all right.
We can strip that Beemer in fifteen minutes.
I say we can strip her in fifteen seconds.
Now, wait a minute, guys. Two on one ain't fair.
Why don't you let me get my friend Barbara?
You'd love her-- tits the size of your head.
You'll feel like a little baby sucking on them.
You guys like disco?
I teach disco dancing back at my church.
You guys look like you got a little rhythm in your blood.
Free lessons if you let me go.
Oh, I know a dance we could do-- the Horizontal Hustle.
Hey, peanut turds.
I'm here for the girl and the car.
You can try to stop me...
but you're not going to like what happens if you do.
It's too bad. He was such a young idiot.
Hey, he's a stupid boy.
He deserves to fucking die.
Tear these grease monkeys a new asshole!
One step out of that office, and your asses are Alpo.
I always come prepared.
You're the coolest.
I believe you were promised a ride to Disco lnferno.
Let me escort you to the car.
What about the fucking dogs?
You got a phone in there, man?
Call the cops.
You're fuckin' dead!
Beth, I feel like such an idiot.
Why didn't I just say something a year and a half ago?
Don't think about the past.
Let's just think about from today on.
I'll never forget you, Jam.
Church will never be the same.
God damn it, Beth!
I'm coming, Dad.
Well...
So...
I'll call you, as soon as we get a phone.
-All right. -Yeah.
I hope this helps.
No, no. You know what?
Strange as it may seem...
I don't think I can take the money.
It would cheapen the whole experience.
I ain't no Midnight Cowboy or anything like that.
I'm not paying you for the lovemaking.
I just want you to have this...
for whatever you needed it for when I made the offer.
Thanks.
Was there any money taken?
Nope...
but it is Smiley Mart's policy to give a cash reward of $150...
to anyone who stops a robbery.
I gave him the money, and he took off.
Thanks.
You see this guy again, call us, all right?
We want to ask him a few questions.
If I see Dr. Love again anytime soon...
you're going to have to wait till I'm done with him first.
One-thirty...
one-forty, and one-fifty.
That's all I got, man.
I really wanted things to work out for you...
my weaselly, dimwitted friend.
You got spunk.
At least I still got you, Stretch.
I took his head off.
Kiss? How dare they call themselves Kiss.
Kiss is about love.
They are teaching our children lust, betrayal, and hate.
We as parents are obligated--
How's it going, Mom?
I'm going to ask you this nicely first.
Can I have my drumsticks back?
Your drumsticks are the least of your worries, young man.
You ran out on God!
My son just ran out on God!
You are in a world of--
Trouble?
I've been in trouble for the past twelve hours.
I'm going to be in St. Bernard's boarding school...
for the next two years of my life, remember?
I'm going to be out of your hair until I am a legal adult!
Then all you have to do is go to church...
Iight a candle, and pray to some stupid statue...
and all is forgiven and forgotten, right, Mom?
Then you can spend your days in a guilt-free pursuit...
of more constructive activities...
Iike telling everybody else how screwed up their lives are.
Then you no longer need the patience...
and understanding required...
in order to talk to your own son on some normal plane.
That way, you don't even need to think...
about how tough it was for you when you were growing up.
It's probably a good thing, too, 'cause if you did...
you'd realize what a lousy...
goddamn, shitty-ass parent you are.
What has gotten into you?
I just lost my virginity in a confessional booth!
Lord have mercy!
Now...
for the last time...
Mom, give me back my fucking drumsticks.
Please.
Cute.
They grow upfast, don't they?
Hey, dude.
Dude, I got the cash, man. Check it out.
No, that can't be the last ticket!
God!
You fucking bastard!
Any luck?
Yeah, man, plenty, but it was all bad, man.
I found the Volvo.
Tickets?
Wait a second. I know how we can get in.
I say that we beat the shit out of each other, right?
Then we go to the ticket taker...
and we say that we got mugged and our tickets were stolen.
They have to let us in then, right?
Why not?
Go.
No! God!
Oh, man, you got to let us in.
Four muggers just stole our tickets.
You expect me to believe that?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Look at us.
It was those assholes right there!
They stole our tickets!
Number thirteen!
Hey, stop those guys.
They got tickets.
Let's see. Come here.
They even stole my wallet, man.
I've never even seen these assholes before.
In there, you'll find my Kiss Army picture l.D...
and a hundred and fifty bucks cash.
-Out of here. -Damn.
My midget weaselly friend.
I was really hoping things could work out for you.
You got spunk.
Go.
I got it, man.
We're going.
OK, then.
We want Kiss!
This is it.
You wanted the best, and you got the best!
The hottest band in the world--
Kiss!
I feel uptight on a Saturday night
Nine o'clock
The radio's the only light
I hear my song
And it pulls me through
It comes on strong
Tells me what I got to do
I got to
Get up
Everybody's gonna move their feet
Get down
Everybody's gonna leave their seat
You gotta lose your mind in Detroit Rock City
Get up
Everybody's gonna move their feet
Get down
Everybody's gonna leave their seat
Movin' fast, doin' ninety-five
I hit top speed
Still movin' much too slow
I feel so good
I'm so alive
I hear my song
Playin' on the radio
And it goes
Get up
Everybody's gonna move their feet
Get up
Everybody's gonna leave their seat
We don't have any Kiss tickets.
Yeah. Kiss sucks!