I've been eight days and seven nights On an open boat,
Chugging painfully slowly From Arabia to India.
Phileas Fogg first saw Bombay On his 18th day out of England.
It's my 25th and I'm a week behind.
But Fogg wouldn't have seen this,
The arch built to commemorate The first visit by a British monarch in 1911.
They still call it the Gateway to India.
So I walk into India In the steps of King George V.
A little underdressed and short of bearers, But it's still an oddly awesome experience
To come upon such a huge country So suddenly and dramatically.
Life on the dhow Had been such a simple matter,
A week spent on a few hundred square feet.
Back on land, I feel temporarily Overwhelmed and confused.
In the space of 100 yards. I've come from a village in Gujarat
To the doors of the most expensive hotel In Bombay.
No wonder I have A strange dislocated feeling,
A sort of sensory deprivation.
Morning. My name's Palin. I have a reservation, but I'm a day late.
Welcome to the hotel.
Just sign there.
Thanks. Is this all I have to do?
Yes, sir.
That night, I have a weird dream.
Come on, let's be 'aving youl Where d'you think you are? The Ritz?
For a moment, I imagine i've woken up In Wormwood Scrubs.
Actually, I'm in THE luxury hotel in Bombay.
It's called the Taj And it was built 80 years ago
In the heyday of the British Raj.
Its tasteful interior is still as elegant And cool as a cathedral
And about as relevant To the everyday life of India.
For outside these reassuring walls
Are the sights and sounds Which you can forget for a while,
But they are always there, waiting.
Bombay life is like an engine That has lost its silencer.
It is intense, vigorous, nerve jangling, incessant.
It is also reassuring. Much of the technology Is on a human scale.
There is a darker side to all this energy.
The human scale can be uncomfortable For westerners.
This is the really difficult bit.
Sorry.
These kids... They are probably Only five or six years old.
It's difficult to know what to do. I just... I just say no.
Otherwise you... You can't change everything.
If you gave ten rupees to ten people, The eleventh would feel left out.
It is all over the city. It is endemic.
Begging. And it is pretty horrific, but...
...you can't change it. Maybe you just perpetuate it.
I've been told on good authority
That there is an excellent barber Under a tree on this street.
My taxi driver seems to know the tree well.
Hello, excuse me? Are you a barber? Will you give me a shave?
Yes? Will you do a shave? Take this beard off?
- Yes? OK, what do I do? - You sit here.
This is the barber's seat, is it?
- No, sit round. - I face him?
He's your agent, is he?
This is eight days growth here, so go easy.
Mm, great.
Are you one of the best?
Are you good barber?
Quiet man.
I see Sheffield United won last Saturday.
Two-one against Blackpool. Lucky really, that's a good team.
Right, Michael, be as still as you can.
Leave the nose. I know it's big.
Suddenly I realise what it is About the barber that worries me.
The way he handles me and stares past me, I form the impression that he is blind.
I'm not going to talk, because if I do... You might get the jugular.
This is why the crowd is here.
They haven't come to watch a shave, But an execution.
Oh-oh, bang go the Hitler impersonations.
Never thought I'd have a shave And see in the trees above me vultures!
Shaved, washed and all too briefly rested, It's time to move on round the world.
I head for V.T. - Victoria Terminal.
100 years old and the sort of grand ornament The British built
To show India what western civilisation was.
No wonder they're confused.
The booking hall, however, is brand-new.
Modern, streamlined... And equally confusing.
That's very helpful (!) No signs.
Not a single sign in sight!
Excuse me, do you speak English?
- I want a ticket for Madras. - Yes.
- You can stand here. - Yes? This is the right...
- On any window. - Any window?
That's why there are no signs! That's a system I like!
So, any window, I'm OK?
Can I have a ticket for a train to Madras On the 22nd, please?
You are getting in waiting list. Waiting list.
- I'm on a waiting list? - It's OK, no?
- Does that mean I am on the train itself? - No.
Right.
- How much do I owe you? - I have been paid by this.
That covers it? Thank you very much.
My ticket is for a place, But only on a waiting list
And not for today's train, but tomorrow's.
So I have the rest of the day in Bombay.
And I'm not short of advice What to do with it.
I'm not sure what to do with 50,000 girls!
How far you walking? Five minutes, six minutes?
I help you walking, so, no problem.
I like to see things on my own. It's rather nice to...
I show you all of Bombay.
Well, I don't really want a guided tour.
I want to look on my own, Then I have to go back in the hotel.
Rest a bit and then i'll see a bit more,
But it's very... What?
What?
A joint?
No problem, no problem!
No, thank you.
- You have a joint? - Yes.
You are a naughty man.
First you offer me 50,000 women... What? A cobra?
No, the last thing I want to see is a cobra.
Do you think there's a cobra in his basket?
He's got a cobra in there? Yes, he has.
I'll tell you what you do. You come with me, yes?
No, I think I'm not going to be A good customer for you, really.
Cobras, joints, even 50,000 women.
You go and find somebody else Who'll be a bigger...
A bigger spender than me.
Of course, the very first thing I see is a cobra,
One of a cast Of a common Bombay street theatre.
The cobra's co-star Is a rather mangy mongoose.
By the side of a main road, I find myself in a city within a city,
A long terrace of temporary shelters.
These people have nothing, but poverty Isn't judged in India as in the west.
Here it's an unavoidable fact of life,
Not a sign of personal failure.
Yes, you're a lot of rotters, you are.
You're a lot of old rotters! Yes, you are!
A day's delay can have its compensations.
As I return to the hotel, I'm caught up In the Hindu festival of Dussehra,
A ten-day celebration of the slaying of Ravana, The demon king of Sri Lanka
By the goddess Kali.
On the steps which George V And I used to enter India,
A crowd of people, Intoxicated with excitement and other things,
Daub themselves in red powder and carry Their effigies into and under the water.
It makes compulsive viewing,
But there's an edge of hysteria From which I am glad to escape.
If the Dussehra festival represents The passions of local religion,
The Cathedral of St Thomas Offers a cooler, less emotional face.
On its walls is evidence of lives cut short And tragedy stoically borne.
Preserved in marble, stone and brass
Is a sobering record of the cost Of maintaining an empire.
Chowpatty Beach, A fine sweeping stretch of sea front.
As night falls, the tempo rises.
Those citizens with energy left Come here for a good time.
If they haven't any energy left, They can find someone to restore it.
This treatment is so powerful, I fear my Masseur's fingers might enter my head!
A sort of digital acupuncture.
But the feeling afterwards is sensational.
The next morning, still pleasantly blotto From the massage,
I remember something I have to do Before leaving Bombay.
One of my friends had asked for An Indian horoscope for their child to be.
As the Taj must be one of the few hotels To boast of a resident astrologer,
It seems too good an opportunity to miss.
I seek out Mr Jagjit Uppal, Advisor to politicians, film producers,
And now circumnavigators.
In conclusion, I would say That the child born to your friends
Will be healthy, active, Energetic and long-lived.
The main characteristic Will be very artistic, very creative,
With much interest in literature.
My friends will appreciate that.
Can you tell me what lies in store for me In the next two or three months?
Smooth sailing, a pleasant journey And on schedule if not ahead of schedule.
If you have lost some time, there are Possibilities of you recovering that time.
The omens are very good.
After the conclusion of this journey, there Are remarkable changes in March/April '89.
You'll be more in limelight.
Remarkable changes in what way?
Whatever is planned for March/April, There are changes in that pattern.
There is good news coming to you In your work pattern at that time.
I can't wait to get back And reorganise my diary.
Now exhilarated by the thought Of ordering my future on room service,
I become greedy for information.
Does it give any indication For the years ahead?
What span can I expect?
You will live long and healthy and taking One or more such trips of adventure.
You are full of the spirit of adventure.
My spirit of adventure will be sorely tested In the next few days.
If my train leaves on time, I shall still be ten days behind Phileas Fogg.
That is if I have a seat.
Well, my name is on the list. Palin, M - male, seat 194/64.
You may think I look rough, but Passepartout, As you can see, has aged visibly!
(TRAIN WHISTLE)
It transpires that there are two other people Called Michael Palin in seat 194/64...
And one of them is a woman!
But it is too late now, We are off to Madras, all three of us.
777 miles separate Bombay on the Indian Ocean and Madras on the Bay of Bengal.
My journey should take 27 hours And we shall stop at 30 stations,
But I am circumnavigating again And that's cause for celebration.
We're gathering speed, Pulling out of the suburbs of Bombay
And onto the narrow plain Between the sea and the Western Ghats.
One of the sights least familiar to the Western eye is railway as public highway.
Men, women, cows and goats Stroll along with equanimity,
Quite oblivious to the oncoming presence Of a 17-coach express.
(TRAIN TOOTS)
We cross the Ghats at sunset On my 28th day away from England.
Throughout my childhood, On the mantelpiece were two cups,
One in pewter, one in silver, Both won by my father, both won for rowing
And they were both won in Puna.
I never knew where Puna was And now I'm on Puna Station.
I'm going to wear his rowing cap as a homage To my father who won the cups in 1923.
Here it is. A bit of a disappointment, really.
There are no flannelled fools On the river now.
There's not much left in the river as we Cross the Deccan, India's central plain.
The scenery is less photogenic now.
Passengers start talking.
- Are you travelling all the way to Madras? - Yes, from Bombay.
What will the south be like? I have never been there before.
A lot more pleasant than Bombay.
It is less hurried. People have a little more time for you.
Probably just about as hot.
It is like another country. The culture is different, the language.
The south has its own languages.
If we didn't speak English or three or four Indian languages, we couldn't communicate.
I've been learning Hindi, Which will be useless.
That won't help you very much in Madras.
In fact, I advise you Not to say much in Hindi.
It's an extraordinarily large country. What does unite India?
What is the expression of Indian patriotism?
That really is a tough one to answer.
I don't know what makes India India.
- Right now, probably... - Cricket?
Probably the independence struggle Most recently!
I can't talk to many passengers as our First-class, non-air-conditioned coach
Is locked at either end.
Only at stations do we get the chance To see a bit more life.
Despite this being a trans-Indian express,
No food is cooked on board.
Meals can be ordered ahead And collected at a station up the line.
If the train is delayed, so is the meal,
And station vendors Become the only alternative.
Are they lemons?
- One rupee two. - What are they?
- Guava. Fruit. - Ah, guava!
Are they good?
Do they look good to you? Do they look good?
- Should I buy some? - Yeah, is definitely good.
- Sweet. - Good to eat on the train?
Yeah.
One rupee's worth.
- Should I get very green ones? - Green is hard. They come softer.
We're nearly there. Thank you very much.
There we are. Two. There we are.
Thank you. Thanks for your help.
We are in southern India now,
Amongst Tamil people, possessors Of a quite inimitable head movement.
Let me taste your fare.
Very good.
(HE CRIES HIS WARES)
I never did find out what was on here.
Chocolate biscuits, toothbrushes, Something for the weekend?
There's a lot to learn, but at least I've learnt how to catch a train.
Never get on till it's moving.
Thank you.
Mirbani, as we say in Gujarati, but which Won't mean a blind thing down here!
Of course, having just stocked up on guavas, My lunch arrives.
Rice...
And...
...dhal.
This is called a Southern Railways Special And it lives up to its name.
Technically, it's a thali, a vegetarian Collation of pickles, dhals and raitas,
Of yoghurt, onion, aubergine, Spinach and potato.
A mixture of plain cooking and intense tastes That reminds me of days on the dhow.
It also reminds me that we're near Madras, Home of the world's hottest curries.
Pausing for breath, I notice something that Makes me glad I didn't travel yesterday.
So we descend from the central plateau To the state of Tamil Nadu.
The pace of life is slower.
The people, untouched by the north's Aryan Invasions, claim to be the true Indians.
We pull into Madras on time On a hot, humid evening.
I feel tired but elated.
Madras is a city i've never seen before
And it's a port, Thus hope for the circumnavigator.
- Hello. Are you free? - Yeah.
Connemara Hotel?
Connemara Hotel.
I find myself a bicycle rickshaw With a staff of thousands.
Just one driver will do. Oh, you're the man?
Such is the call of advice And encouragement from his friends,
You'd think we were off To look for the Golden Fleece, not a hotel.
Though I think our journey Could be just as dangerous!
First thing next morning, I check the local shipping gazette.
There seem precious few sailings.
But one, motor vessel Susak, Sounds promising.
All I have is the name of the agent.
Somewhere in this seething city Is an outfit called Babuji Jetsea Freights
And i've got to find it.
Madras has the reputation of being a quieter, Calmer, more relaxed city than the north.
I can't think why.
Madras used to be a major trading city.
It was Britain's first foothold in India In 1639.
Now it has lost much international trade As the big ships go north,
Or miss India altogether On the way to Singapore.
I just hope this won't make life difficult.
Hello, I'm looking for Mr Vikram.
Hello, Mr Vikram? Michael Palin.
Nice to meet you. Now, i've heard that you have a boat,
Bengal Tiger Lines, I believe, Leaving for Singapore today.
- Is that still the situation? - That's right.
It's a Yugoslavian ship and Bengal Tiger Line Are the charterers of the vessel.
The ship is leaving tomorrow morning.
What chance is there of myself and the crew Getting on tomorrow?
There seems to be a problem Because the ship is rated at 18 people.
They already have 18 crew on board.
We are asking Lloyd's to take On some additional people,
That is the four of you.
If that happens, we will possibly... Put the four of you on the ship.
When you say they can only take 18, What is the reason why?
There is a safety equipment certificate Which only allows 18 people.
And... Er... Lloyd's are the only body That can waive that... Requirement.
So, what if Lloyd's don't give permission?
The only alternative left is that We can request the captain
To sign off two or three crew members, Who we'll fly to Singapore,
And your crew can take their place,
Which means that you still have 18 people on board.
But that is a prerogative We have to leave with the captain.
- Will we have to work in the engine room? - It's better than being a cook!
OK, if you can explore both possibilities, I'll check out an alternative shipping agent.
Get back to me as soon as possible.
But, obviously not today, But if we can get out tomorrow, it'll be...
- We'll try our best. - Thank you very much. Bye.
No sea journey Has been trouble-free since Venice.
Each time, the trouble comes In different combinations.
If there is no room for us, I must seek alternatives.
There is only one. It's in Armenian Street.
The address of New India Maritime Agencies, Armenian Street,
Indicates the cosmopolitan trade Which once existed in Madras.
I only hope it still does.
Mr Arul should be able to tell me.
Good morning, Mr Arul.
Please sit down.
Thank you for seeing me. I wonder if you can help me.
I need a boat From Madras to Singapore quickly.
Do you have any boats?
Yes, I have good news for you. One of our ships, the Kamnik,
Arrived in Madras port this morning From Sri Lanka.
It will load 5,000 tons of cargo and leave For Singapore within three days.
- That should get you there. - Will it leave on time?
This sort of loading takes longer. Will it be on time?
I am quite confident that this ship Should leave in three days.
Right. Would there be room for myself And my Passepartout here?
Certainly.
Because we will be another three days Behind. How quick is the journey?
Cruising speed is 50 knots per hour. It takes five days.
Well, I have one or two irons in the fire That I hope may get me out of here faster,
Because I am very pushed for time.
Thank you very much. I will get back to you. It sounds useful. Thanks for your time.
Goodbye.
Hopeless! Three days' wait will put me Almost two weeks behind schedule.
Mr Vikram is my only chance now.
- Have you heard from Lloyd's? - Yes.
They said it is not possible To take more than 18, as per their rules.
I've been to see some people To check out an alternative,
And that is going to be three or four days.
It is vital that we try and get on this boat.
What are our chances?
We can check with the captain Whether he will accommodate you
By releasing two or three of his people.
What sort of man is he? Is he likely to be conducive?
This is his first trip in Madras.
I met him yesterday and he seemed nice, But we can check.
- Is it the first time you've done this? - Oh, yes.
When you first approached me, I thought Going round the world in 80 days was easy,
But it looks like We're having problems even here.
Yes. It is even more important now That I get this boat tomorrow,
So i'll ring you from the hotel And if anything happens, ring me.
- Yes, I will. - As soon as you can.
- Thanks very much. - My pleasure. Goodbye.
The end of Day 31.
As cheerful as I try to remain,
I've never felt so strongly that the whole Project was about to collapse.
My chances of success depend On a Yugoslav i've never met
Persuading German owners he's never seen
That he should take BBC employees As sailors on his Cypriot-registered boat.
It is, like the dancing At the Connemara Hotel, quite fantastic.
All I can do is hope that the most Unlikely thing in the world will happen.
Next morning, I am called to the docks To meet someone from the shipping office.
There's no one around, except for two Stevedores in for more protective clothing.
The Susak is loading gently.
Then, just as I'm giving up hope, My contact arrives.
I got a message from Vikram's office To get down to the docks quickly.
So I am here. What has happened?
Yes. As you know, the captain spoke To the chairman in Yugoslavia yesterday.
The Yugoslav captain Spoke to his owners in Yugoslavia?
Yeah. The captain agreed That they can take two men from your side
And two crews, they are going to fly From here to Singapore.
That is great! I'd given up hope.
Two of them come off, And two of us go on. Great!
It's better than nothing. Thank you and thank Mr Vikram for his work.
Bye. We'll send you a postcard From Singapore.
So, following an Anglo-German-Indo- Yugoslav agreement worthy of the UN,
I'm taken onto the crew of the Susak As a deckhand.
I'll be doubling as unit sound man.
Nigel and his camera will share with me And my tape recorder the only quarters left.
This is the ship's hospital.
It's your bedroom.
Thank you. You've heard about my condition, then?
Wonderful. This is excellent.
Five days in hospital is just what I need At this stage! Thank you.
- For next couple of days. - OK.
Just press this for the nurse.
That is fine.
And I can still dress for dinner.
In my relief at being taken on board, I've almost forgotten the schedule.
But when I walk on deck at midnight And see we're still in Madras,
I realise relief is only temporary.
We've lost another 12 hours And they're still loading!
The rumour is that "speed money" Can be paid to improve performance.
The fact is they are moving About 20 containers an hour.
In Singapore, they can move 125.
There's nothing for it But to go back to hospital.
Dawn on the Bay of Bengal? No, dawn at Madras.
The Susak still lies at the dock side,
Loaded but immobile, awaiting a pilot To lead her out to sea.
It's 7.15 a.m. And 11 days behind schedule
When the captain finally signals to cast off
And the magnetic attraction between the Susak And the port of Madras is broken.
Captain Sablik surveys his kingdom
And the new crew begin their day's work.
No, no, I mean real work!
I think i've done that. Finished.
Down here? OK.
With this?
Well, here we are, Two days out in the Bay of Bengal,
And after a couple of days' work on The sound, i've got it down to a find art.
(SOUND COMES AND GOES)... I suppose I'm just mech... That way...
And it's an art and...
...damn lucky I can work it!
(TUNELESS SINGING)
You may think it would have been luckier If I hadn't been able to work the sound.
It's not a chorally gifted crew, But they are friendly hosts
And this barbecue on the Bay of Bengal Has been laid on for Passepartout and me.
To the Susak!
Thank you all for being such a hospitable, Kind, friendly, sharing vessel!
Tastes good.
Here is to Singapore. Safe in Singapore!
Considering That they are 10,000 miles from home,
Sailing between Madras, Singapore, And Calcutta for eight months,
I admire their cheerfulness.
I miss home after five weeks!
(TUNELESS SINGING)
(RADIO STATIC)
Singapore Radio, Singapore Radio?
November 1st and nearly half my time used up.
We're in radio range of Singapore. Time To give my director the latest bad news.
Roger, it's Michael here. Are you receiving me? Over.
Receiving you. 0ver. What is the current situation?
The situation is, in addition to losing time Whilst loading at Madras,
We have also hit a head current Going up the Straits
And we've had to cut our speed,
So our estimated time of arrival Is not till tonight at about 11.30.
The problem here, Michael, is that The Neptune Diamond leaves at 11.00.
Is there any possibility you can get The captain to put on more speed?
I can ask. I think we're going Probably as fast as we can.
Does Neptune Diamond have to leave At 11.00, or could it postpone till late?
I'll do my best here to get it to stay. If I can possibly delay it, I will,
But any time you could pick up Would help enormously.
We'll ask the captain if there's any way We can get in half an hour or an hour earlier.
It seems unlikely. Every move of this ship Has been delayed for two hours!
It'll be hard to pick up time. Better if you Can get the Neptune Diamond to wait.
Take us off by launch if possible.
The captain is under orders to maintain The most economical speed.
He's done enough for us already. I can't ask for more.
Anyway, one thing I have learnt About sea travel is that you can't hurry.
(TIME PIPS)
9.00 Greenwich Mean Time. The news read by Deborah Mackenzie.
Mrs Thatcher said There won't be an improvement...
(TICKING)
Well, we're in Singapore, but it's now...
...it's now midnight and five minutes.
Neptune Diamond, our boat to Hong Kong, Was due to sail at 11.00.
It's anyone's guess Whether it's there or not.
We got to Singapore and couldn't get Into our berth until another boat had left.
So, despite being in this highly efficient, Well-marshalled harbour,
We still haven't docked.
Once again, it shows that the fine timing Of boats can't be trusted.
We just have to wait and see If the Neptune Diamond is there.
But if the Neptune Diamond has gone, That's it.
I can't possibly Complete the journey in 80 days.