Are you still baking cookies for those
large and lovely sisters at the church?
Now, Mark, those women aren't large.
They are just filled with the joy of the word.
They're filled with joy, alright.
Almond joy.
Hear ye, hear ye, Princess Nicole is in the house.
Everybody say yo.
Oh, look, it's beauty and the beast.
[sighs] He's not a beast, he's a frog.
And I've been tryin' to turn him in to a prince all day.
Ow. Why do I suddenly have the urge to sing.
"What's Love Got To Do With It?"
The same reason I have the urge to sing "Oops Upside Your Head."
Mommy, can you take me to see "Sleeping Beauty" today?
Oh, sweetie, I'd love to, but I'm in the middle of baking
these cookies for the church.
And you don't wanna see.
Sister Buford with low blood sugar.
She starts, "I need a cookie or something."
Yeah, Mark, that's right. So why don't you take her?
Yeah, Mark, so why don't you take her?
It's the Christian thing to do.
Cousin Mark, can you take me to see "Sleeping Beauty" today?
I already made plans with Vanessa.
Oh, bad news, Mark. We gotta cancel our plans for tonight.
Yippee! Now we get to see "Sleeping Beauty."
Isn't that great, Cousin Mark?
Oh, yeah, I haven't been this happy since Sister Buford
mistook my hands for a pack of Smoky Links.
♪ Give it up give it up ♪ ♪ Give it up give it up ♪
♪ One more time ♪
♪ You got to give it up for my brother ♪
♪ He's got it goin' on ♪
♪ Cooper Cooper ♪
♪ Gonna tear the house ♪ ♪ Down ♪
♪ I'm a hero ♪
♪ Gonna do this ♪
♪ We can work it out now ♪
♪ Give it up give it up ♪ ♪ Give it up give it up ♪
♪ Cooper ♪
[upbeat music]
Vanessa, give me one good reason why you're cancelling our plans.
And don't tell me you got a job.
Okay.
Geneva, I got a job.
Oh!
You got a job? Why didn't you tell me?
Oh, Mark, you all up in her Kool‐Aid
and don't even know the flavor.
Well, I don't know if Loretta's serves Kool‐Aid but I'll check.
Loretta's? You got a job at the soul food restaurant?
Shouldn't they hire somebody with.. Well, I don't know..
Soul?
Hey, I've got soul, my homebuddy.
Vanessa, doin' the Cabbage Patch to Liza Minnelli
is not exactly what you call soul.
Where's the beat?
Now, you obviously haven't heard Liza scat.
♪ Dwee din squeedle do di ♪
♪ Zadda dadda oom ba ba ♪
Remind me to check the stove for a gas leak.
Mark, I'm gonna do just fine at Loretta's.
I just hope you last long enough
to give me my $100 for this month's house payment.
Oh, Mark.
Vanessa hasn't even worked one day
and you're already hitting her up for money.
Yeah.
Besides, I'm gettin' my 50 back first.
[laughing]
Uh.
No, no, sir. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
But I have it down right here.
You said corn and bread.
Well, maybe you didn't say "and" but I knew what you meant.
I don't understand, Bennie.
What were you doin' sneakin' in to see "Sleeping Beauty?"
Oh, yo, man, I thought it was "Sleeping Booty."
Look, there's Vanessa.
I love your accent.
Swedish, ja?
No, no, I am from the great continent of Africa.
Wow.
Do you know Iman?
Well, it's a big continent.
You are a very charming lady.
Why, thank you.
Hey, yo, brown sugar.
My friends. Excuse me, I'll be back.
Do not be long, my dear.
Hey, guys.
Oy, oy, oy.
That's yo, yo, yo.
Haven't you learned anything since you've been workin' here?
Yes, I have Mark.
I learned the nasty customers, wait the longest. Toodle‐oo.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold, hold, hold on.
Just tell me what you don't have first.
Alright, we're out of meat loaf, red beans
and rice smothered steak
and everything on the left side of the menu.
Mark, the chitterlings. Mmm.
They are delicious.
I had a whole big bowl of 'em at lunch today.
You had "chitterlings?"
Were they givin' a free Chanel bag with every bowl?
Don't you start that with me again.
I told you I know all about soul food.
Vanessa, do you know what chitterlings are?
Well, of course I do. Duh.
It's veal, right?
Uh‐oh.
Brother, I think you better school her
about what chitterlings really are.
Okay.
- First, you get a pig. - A big fat nasty pig.
And then you rip out the intestines.
- Start to yank 'em. - Mm‐hmm.
Vanessa, wake up, I haven't got to the disgusting parts yet.
Well, first you have to kiss her then she'll wake up.
Like in "Sleeping Beauty."
Oh, word up.
Man, come on.
Everyone, back up, please. Get some water.
Yeah, right. Water, water.
Well, I was upset. I had cotton mouth.
[moaning]
What happened?
You must have had a bad chitterling.
You are working much too hard, my delicate flower.
A woman of your beauty should not have to do a manual labour.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And Sumo wrestlers shouldn't have to wear diapers, either
but a job's a job.
And looking at you makes me want to work.
Overtime.
Ah, excuse me, yo, yo, yo.
Ah, in the 'hood, we leave a 50 percent tip.
Yeah.
I seen the beemer outside.
- Come on, Fred. - Come on.
How do I look?
Like Sleeping Beauty.
Oh, you look great, Vanessa.
Uh‐uh. Don't call me by my slave name.
My African name is Folami.
Okay, Salami.
Where's my money?
Don't tell me you spent it on.
Winnie Mandela's jogging suit.
No, no, Mark. Akadahmah had this custom‐made for me.
He's the most charming man I've ever met.
You still seein' that brother that you met in the restaurant?
Yeah.
He's a prince.
Hmm. They all are, at first.
No, Geneva, I mean he's a real prince from Africa.
And you guys aren't gonna believe this
but... he's asked me to marry him.
Oh, that's great, Vanessa.
Well, the man outside the post office
once asked me for a quarter.
So, do you have my money?
Oh, yes, habib.
That's African for "Liza Minnelli is all that
and a bag of chitlins."
So, Vanessa, have you given the prince an answer yet?
No, no, not yet, Geneva, but believe me
I'm gonna think long and hard before I make my decision.
[doorbell rings]
- I would too, honey. - Yeah.
I'm just gonna take my time.
My princess.
Time's up.
Man, I'd hate to see the cracker jack box
this baby came out of.
Mark, will you give me that?
Oh.
Does this mean I may have your hand?
It better, 'cause that's only way
you're gonna get that rock back, bro.
It does... and I do.
Yes.
Nicole, you remember Prince Akadahmah.
Did you used to be a frog?
Kids.
Yes. Well, we were just leaving. Come on, Nicole.
It was nice meeting you.
Yeah, nice meeting you.
He's handsome. That must have been some kiss.
You ain't never lied.
Shall we go, Akadahmah?
After you, my love.
Oh, yo, wait. Snap. Is it, is it black history month?
Peace be unto you, habib.
Any piece you want, you flirt.
- What's up, dawg? - What's up, man?
So, I see Vanessa givin' that brother
from the restaurant some play, huh?
Yeah, she givin' him play, rewind and fast forward.
They're gettin' married too, so, they probably have been dubbin'.
Married? She said no to me fifty times.
Fifty?
Oh, I guess you weren't counting the hand gestures.
Hey, you don't even take it personal.
'Cause Akadahmah got it goin' on.
He's a African prince.
Yeah, he's a prince, alright.
He's a prince of thieves.
Man, what are you talking about?
Come on, Mark, you know that brother ain't no real African.
Man, I know a real African when I see one.
Dude who played "Kunte Kinte?"
That's a real African.
Man, that was LeVar Burton.
Man, LeVar Burton's the blind dude on "Star Trek."
You know what, Bennie, a mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Alright, then listen up.
That brother's in the house‐stealing business.
Now, I know this 'cause my Cousin Lulu
had her house stolen right off from under her
by some phony African.
Man, he must have used a forklift
'cause your Cousin Lulu weigh way over 400 pounds.
Man, I didn't say he wasn't breathin' heavy.
I just said he did it.
Hey, Mark, I forgot to tell you.
I got the strangest call from the bank today.
Somebody has been calling
asking about the mortgage on this house.
My house?
The forklift operator is tryin' to steal my house.
Who's after your house?
Prince Boom Shakalaka.
See, he wants to marry Vanessa
so he can steal my house.
Now, where did you get a crazy idea like that?
That would be me.
The Black Bryant Gumbel.
See, I know what you're thinkin'.
But someone did call the bank.
And Moo Shu Lulu did lose her house.
Now, look, if what you're saying is true
then somebody's got to talk to Vanessa.
That makes sense. Yo, hand over the car keys.
No, no, no.
Bennie, the only sense you have
is that quarter in your pocket.
You know, the one you got from Geneva
in front of the post office?
Give her back her money.
Why you gotta bring that up?
Give her back her money.
"Upscale" magazine has it going on.
Alright, things you need when tellin' a woman
her man's a phony.
Okay. "Tissue, for when she cries"
"an ice‐pack for when she hits you
"and another man's phone number
to keep her from hittin' you again."
Okay.
[sighs]
Oh, Mark, what are you still doin' up?
Before I answer that
Vanessa, I just wanna say, I care about you
and I always will, no matter how foolish you look.
Do I have lipstick on my teeth?
Yeah, you do.
What I really want to talk to you about is Akadahmah.
The man's a con artist.
Tissue?
Oh, Mark, I was afraid this would happen.
- You were? - Yeah, sure.
It happens to every guy I know.
You've fallen in love with me, and now you can't have me.
Tissue?
"Continued on page 39?" Wait a minute.
Mark. Mark, Mark.
I've been where you are, Mark, but it's okay.
You'll find somebody.
If you just remember that you're wonderful.
Come on, say it, guy.
I'm wonderful.
You're wonderful.
Except for that lipstick on your teeth.
Maybe it was a little insensitive inviting Akadahmah
over for dinner tomorrow night.
Hey, look, if it's gonna upset you, Mark
you don't have to be there.
Nah, I'll be okay. I'm alright.
Matter of fact, I'll cook that dinner myself
just to prove it to you.
Oh, well. Mark, you're the best.
- Goodnight. - Thank you.
Colorful.
[sighs] That's why it always pays to read the whole article.
Yo, Mark, I got one question, man.
If this dude's a phony African
why are we servin' him real food?
Because the phony grocery store is closed.
Well, Mark, I hope this plan of yours works.
Not like the time you tried to hook up free cable.
By the way, your hair has grown in nicely.
No, no, no.
Before the night is over.
Vanessa's gonna give old prince Alka‐Seltzer the boot.
Watch.
Is the prince here yet?
Not yet, Princess Nicole.
Don't call me by my slave name.
My African name is Laneesha.
Oh.
[giggling]
Hey, everybody, look who's here.
[laughs] Hello.
Akadahmah said, he's so hungry
he could eat us out of house and home.
I bet he could eat us out of house and home.
We gonna start with the Spaghetti‐os.
Thank you for my outfit, prince.
Is it really from Africa?
It is indeed.
There is only one place where you can get something like that.
Yup. East 14 street.
Mark, you're being so brave.
Especially considering how beautiful I look in this outfit.
Chill, Rosarita.
Mark, I told Vanessa that when we get back to Africa
I'm going to send you one of my Mercedes.
[laughing]
Oh, you are, huh?
While you're at it, why don't you just send two?
Oh. One for your brother Bennie.
Oh, yes, yes. I like that.
We all have to look out for each other.
Especially, the goat herder.
Chill, chill, chill, chill. I got something.
So, uh, Prince Alcoholic.
You from Africa and all that, right?
So you could tell us a little bit about it.
Like, uh, what's the incubation time of the locust on the Tundra
during the spring and summer mating season?
Hmm, I don't think I have that information.
- Mm‐hmm. - Mm‐hmm.
Well, perhaps, you could tell us the average rainfall
in the monsoon season, when the wind currents are 45 degrees
cooler than the cumuli nimbus cloud formation
five miles northeast of Zimbabwe, my brother.
I‐I don't have the answer to that one either.
- Mm‐hmm. - Mm‐hmm.
Or‐‐.
How many zebra do it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Oh.
I love zebra jokes.
Have you heard the one about the three zebras
who walk into the bar?
[laughing]
This isn't working.
Hey, don't worry, I'ma trip this phony up, right here.
[clears throat] Uh, could you pass me the bread, please..
Leon?
Would you slide me the butter..
Jermaine?
Oh, no, Mark, you don't need any butter
just pass him the margarine, Billy Bob.
Uh, Laneesha..
Wouldn't you love to take Akadahmah upstairs
and show him how you turned your dollhouse into a castle?
Uh, yes, Laneesha, I think I'd like that.
Alright. Come on upstairs.
Hold on, Lucretia.
Watch your dollhouse, alright?
Alright, everyone, what is going on?
- Well? - Oh, Vanessa.
I hate to say it, but Akadahmah's a con man.
- What? - 'He's not a prince.'
He's not even African.
What are you ta.. I don't believe it.
What about this ring?
It could cut glass.
[glass shattering] Oh!
Oh, girl, it is glass.
Oh. My ring.
My beautiful ring.
It shattered.
Along with my hopes and dreams. All gone.
Ah, Nicole is such a delight.
Akadahmah... why did my ring break?
Because it is not real.
(together) Mm‐hmm.
Vanessa, in my country, we are not allowed to
remove certain stones of great value.
I was going to replace the false diamond
with the real one as soon as we got to my homeland.
[snickering]
Well, I think it's time you went back
to your so called "homeland."
I don't understand.
"Homeland."
That's where the bus drops you off at night.
But, Vanessa‐‐.
The only butt is yours to the curb.
That's right.
Just put a egg in your shoe and beat it.
Now, scram.
- Bennie. - Mm.
- Go, watch him. - Alright.
Well, I better go check on Laneesha.
Vanessa, I saved the house
and I saved you from lookin' like a fool.
Aren't you gonna thank me?
Mm‐hmm.
When you least expect it.
You're always teasin' me about not being black enough, Mark.
The way I dance the guys I date
my Menudo collection.
You know what, you think that if I was a real sister
I wouldn't have got taken in by some phony African, huh?
Well, buster, you wanna see a real sister
I'll show you a real..
Oh.
Oh, Mark.
Darn it. Neck cramp, Mark.
You're supposed to loosen your‐your neck when you do it.
Supposed to be like, "Oh, no! Uh‐uh."
Somebody goin' to cash a check in here.
Forget that, go get you somebody. Um‐um.
What am I doing, Mark?
I don't have to prove myself to you or to anybody.
I may not be your definition of cool, gosh, darn it.
But..
But I am black and I'm proud of it.
And I'm happy just the way God made me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be upstairs
highlighting my hair.
Nicole, I know how much you wanted me to be a princess.
I hope you're not too disappointed.
Nope.
I'm glad you didn't move to Africa.
- Really? - Really.
I would've missed you too much.
Aw, I would've missed you too.
Vanessa, I love you just the way you are.
But if it'll make you feel better, you can have my hat..
And my wand.
Oh, cool.
(Nicole) 'Wee.'
I had to go to the white neighborhood
just to get this.
So you know I got pulled over four times.
Oh, Liza Minneli live in Utah.
Yippee!
(man on TV) '... in downtown Oakland.'
Oh, look.
- There's Akadahmah on TV. - What?
(woman on TV) 'As we watch Prince Akadahmah depart for the airport'
'one can't help but feel a certain sadness.'
'For somewhere out there is a young lady'
'who missed out on realizing every little girl's dream'
'of becoming a princess.'
'The heir to the African gem fortune'
'worth $40 billion'
'refused to comment on his hasty departure.'
(man on TV) 'Thank you, Denise..'
Forty billion?
Wait, wait, wait. Can I come?
- No, you stay here. - Come on, come on.
Forty billion?
Oh, man.
[tires screeching]
[door opens and closes]
'Dodge Dart cleared for takeoff.'
'Dodge Dart?'
(Mark) 'Vanessa, we gotta stop that plane.'
'Quick, throw your hair in the engine.'
(Vanessa) 'Ow, Mark, let go of my hair.'
(Mark) 'Wait a minute. I think that's Bennie.'
(Vanessa) 'How could you tell?'
(Mark) 'He tried to roll down the window.'
(Bennie) 'Don't worry, brother. I'll send you a goat coat.'
(Mark) 'Forty billion dollars, and all I'm gettin' is a coat?'
(Vanessa) 'Put shoulder pads in mine.'
(Mark) 'Yeah, but don't be drivin' no goats around in my Mercedes.'