You heard 'bout the legend of Jesse James
And John Henry just to mention some names
Well, there's a truck-drivin' legend in the South today
A man called Bandit from Atlanta, GA
Every gearjammer knows his name
They swear he got asphalt a - runnin' in his veins
A foot like lead and nerves like steel
He's gonna go to glory rid in' 18 wheels
Oh, boy
He left Atlanta back in '63
Haulin' him a load up to Tennessee
He hit Mounteagle in a drivin' rain
So hard he couldn't even see the passin' lane
Well, he started down the grade when he lost a gear
He hit them brakes
Found he had no air
The Mounteagle grade is steep and long
And everybody that seen it thought the Bandit was gone
All gone
Well, his truck jackknifed
Turned completely around
He was comin' down backwards 'bout the speed of sound
A lot of folks seen him and they all say
He had his head out the window yell in' "Clear the way"
Well, he got to the bottom safe and sound
Everybody asked Bandit how he made it down
He said, "Folks, when the truck picked up too much speed
"I just run along beside it and drug my feet"
Ya heard the legend of Jesse James
And John Henry just to mention some names
Well, there's a truck-drivin' legend in the South today
A man called Bandit from Atlanta, GA
Every gearjammer knows his name
They swear he's got asphalt a - runnin' in his veins
A foot like lead and nerves like steel
He's go in' up to glory rid in' 18 wheels
Ah, tell me, boy
Talk to me, guitar
Hey, Kirk. How ya do in'? Tod Engels. How are ya?
This your rig, son?
Yeah. Open up. Let's see the manifest.
Well,
placin' you under arrest
for transport in' alcoholic beverages
across state lines without the proper permits.
And that means, you dumb cowboy,
you know truck in' Coors beer east of Texas is bootleg gin'.
This here's Georgia, son.
Well, I. Just a friendly bet.
These two old boys, they put me up to it.
Now, when ya gonna learn?
Big and Little Enos Burdette make that same bet
with every gearjammer they can.
I say he ain't gonna go for your game.
Son, from what I've heard, the biggest thing about the Bandit is his ego,
and I figure that, plus a lot of my dollars,
and he'll try anything, legal or not.
Well, sir, now, they've put on
quite a show for us today, haven't they, friends?
Yes, sir, you have seen some of the finest gear jam min' in all of this country.
'Member, these are the boys that take the long hauls.
They really did it today.
Hoss.
Where might I find the Bandit? I ain't seen him.
Over there behind his rig. Who wants to see him?
Who's askin'? I'm askin',
'cause I'm the guy payin' him $25 a day
so all his loyal fans can look at him.
Do it.
I'm buyin' your attraction for a half an hour.
Egotistical son of a bitch.
Any guy that would paint his truck like this
would go to a minister's funeral dressed in feathers.
See, son? Old legends never die. They just lose weight.
Seems like a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot alike, Daddy.
Bandit, me and my son are here.
Oh, I love your suits.
It must be a bitch get tin' a size 68 extra-fat and a 12 dwarf.
I came to make a deal.
What's he get if he wins this truck rodeo thing?
If?
Five thousand dollars, Daddy.
Chicken-shit money.
Just what the hell you want, anyway?
You to get out of this dumb-ass rodeo
and accept a real challenge.
Now, get tin' to Texarkana and back in 28 hours, that's no problem.
It ain't never been done before, hot shit.
Watch your language, little lady.
The problem is that Coors beer.
You take that east of Texas and that's.
That's bootleg gin'.
You know, I believe you're just a little bit scared.
That's great psychology.
Why don't you just say some thin' bad about my mother?
Your mama is so ugly. Now, look, look.
You make this run for me.
These Peterbilts here are worth $80,000.
That comes to about three grand an hour if you make it in 28 hours.
How about that for a challenge?
Dad, I don't believe that that's. Never mind.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Why do you want that beer so bad?
Because he's thirsty, dummy.
You see, I got a boy runnin' tomorrow in the Southern Classic,
and when he wins, I wanna celebrate in style.
How much style?
Well, I got a few friends and me.
Four hundred cases.
- Well?
Well, let me see your cash.
Big Enos' word is gold.
All right, show him the cash.
Go ahead, Little. Shit.
Well, let's see. There's 400 cases of beer. I'll need the cash for that.
No problem. Go ahead, boy.
New car. Gotta have a new car to block for the truck.
Ok. Go ahead, boy.
I'd like to kick his ass just once.
Speedy car.
Speedier than that.
Go ahead.
Hello, darlin'. Hi, Uncle Bandit.
Which one of the house apes are you? Kate.
Oh, he's drop pin' them like flies, isn't he?
Well, well, well. Hello, beautiful.
How about gorgeous? You can't have him.
Well, obviously you can.
What are you tryin' to do, start another race?
Hey, look, Bandit. Look, look, look.
You got Cledus in jail once.
Leave us alone. Hi, Uncle Bandit!
He ain't your damned uncle! Hello, Silus.
One of you damn kids, get this mutt out of here!
You always kick me right in the balls. Damn it, Bandit!
Look at me!
I find it hard to look at you, Waynette.
Very hard. Especially when you've got those things in your hair.
Makes me think you're listening to a radio station in Savannah.
You can't go in there and bother Cledus.
Hey! This is my home!
Cledus. No!
I know in the past I may have done you wrong.
Right? Right.
However, in the future, Cledus,
I will never, ever, do you wrong again.
Right? Right.
Yeah. Now, we have a big chance,
a big chance to make a run for some big bucks.
Eighty thousand of 'em.
Oh. Really? Mmm-h mm.
What are we gonna do, kidnap the Pope or some thin'?
How'd you guess?
No. We're just gonna run over to Texarkana
and pick up 400 cases of Coors,
and bring it back in 28 hours.
Whoa. I got a flash for you.
That's called bootleg gin', and that's against the law.
Well, who gives a turkey
when the Snowman and the Bandit are runnin' the booze?
No one can stop us. No. Hold it right there.
There ain't gonna be no more Snowman and Bandit. You understand that?
Why?
Well, because I've got to go in the morning to Conyers
and pick up a load of manure. Shitty job.
Can I ask you a question? Sure. Ask me.
What the hell we wanna go to Texas for and haul beer back here? What is that?
For the good old American life.
For the money, for the glory and for the fun.
Mostly for the money. Know what we're gonna do when we get the money?
What? We're gonna buy a new rig.
You're crazy. You know that. Yeah.
Yes. How much money did you say it was?
$80,000.
Mmm-h mm.
Waynette!
Now, Bo, I'm tell in' ya, Fred here ain't gonna be no problem.
Well, I can see he's gonna be a major asset.
And besides that, he's one hellacious watchdog.
Well, let's get go in'.
Whoa. Hold it a minute. What?
I gotta. Can I ask you a question? Sure.
Sit right there, Fred.
You mean to tell me we're gonna drive from here to Texarkana, Texas,
and back to here in 28 hours?
It's only 900 miles there and 900 miles back.
Well, for your information, that ain't never been done, not in no rig.
That's 'cause you and I ain't never done it in no rig.
You gotta stop thinkin' so negative, son.
'Course we can make it. We ain't never not made it yet, have we?
Well, no. You see? There you are.
Yeah. Yeah, I see.
I see, all right. I see our asses in a sling
if we get caught, that's what I see.
Hey!
Well, God Almighty, would you look at that?
It's beautiful, huh? Honey, hush.
Well, I don't guess we're gonna be rid in'
in the truck together this time, are we?
Oh, no, son. I'll be drivin' this one. Blocker. No, son.
Blocker. You'll be drivin' the truck.
This is Bandit One, and that is Bandit Two.
Together again.
Oh, yeah. Like Fred and Ginger and Lester and Earl.
That's right. But we got a problem. What's that?
You know them Smokeys, they got them CB s in the car now.
I know that.
I haven't worked that out yet, but I'm thinkin' about it.
Hey. I got an ideia. You got an ideia?
Why don't we do this?
If I say go to channel 21, forget it.
We ain't go in' to 21, we're go in' to 19.
Twenty-one is 19.
If I say go to channel six, forget it. Six?
We go to three. Go to three. I go to three. Perfect.
And if I say go to channel two, we're gonna go to channel one.
Two is one.
That'll confuse everybody. That'll confuse 'em.
On the other hand, if we stayed on the odd channels,
switched every time and started in the basement,
that'd work, too.
That'd do it, too, wouldn't it?
Well, yeah, that'd work, too, I guess.
Let's haul ass. Ok.
Breaker one. Breaker one. This is the Bandit.
Is the Snowman out there? Am I hit tin' ya, son?
Mercy sakes. You put about eight and a half on me.
Blowin' my windows out. Bring it on.
I'll be within earshot. You keep it wound up to around 90.
Ten-four.
Hey, Bandit. Me and Fred's got a question.
What do you and Fred want?
How come we do in' this?
Well, why not?
Well, they said it couldn't be done.
Well, that's the reason, son.
That's good with Fred. We're clear.
Ten-four.
Westbound and down
18 wheels a-roll in'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there
I'm westbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run
Keep your foot hard on the pedal
Son, never mind them brakes
Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make
The boys are thirsty in Atlanta
And there's beer in Texarkana
And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes
Westbound and down
18 wheels a-roll in'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there
I'm westbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run
Old Smokey's got them ears on
He's hot on your trail
And he ain't gonna rest 'til you're in jail
So you've got to dodge him
You've got to duck him
You've got to keep that diesel truck in'
Just put that hammer down and give it hell
Well, hello there, Smokey.
Westbound and down
18 wheels a-roll in'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there
I'm westbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run
Keep your foot hard on the pedal
Son, never mind them brakes
Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make
The boys are thirsty in Atlanta
And there's beer in Texarkana
And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes
Westbound and down
18 wheels a-roll in'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there
I'm westbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run
Fred, I hope me and you ain't let tin' Bandit
talk us into some thin' we gonna be sorry for, son.
'Cause he's about as crazy as you are ugly.
Westbound and down
18 wheels a-roll in'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there
I'm westbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run
Big town, ain't it?
I wonder what they do around here for excitement.
They probably sit around and watch the cars rust.
Damn it, it's locked. We're about an hour ahead of schedule.
Well, let's keep it that way, huh? All right.
Hey, wanna beer?
Well, son!
Redneck heaven.
How we gonna load all this stuff, though?
I'll load it with this.
You can't drive a forklift.
I can drive any forkin' thing around.
Will you get serious? Can you drive this thing?
I am serious.
Crank it up. Now back it up. Oh, shut up.
I said Whoa! I said back it up, not raise it up!
I am back in' up, ya big dumbbell! All right. Just You relax.
Hold it! The beer! Watch the beer!
You all right? Very funny! Very funny!
I thought it was funny.
Hey, we really ought to pay somebody for that mess we made in there.
All right, have you. I got that all worked out.
You just leave a note.
Tell the folks to send the bill to Big Enos Burdette.
"Send bill to
"Big Enos Burdette."
"Burdette. B..."
B- R B- U-R B.
Hell, I got to go.
Hey, Spider-Man, are you out there? Come back.
Snowman!
How we do in', son? Come on back.
Hang on just a minute, and I'll tell ya.
Looks like we're about 28 minutes ahead of schedule. Come back.
I hate to say I told you so.
Don't lose your head, son.
We still got a lot of boogeyin' to do.
Put the pedal to the metal.
I'm ten-ten on the side.
For sure, for sure.
Me and Fred, we got your back door, ain't we, Fred?
Sorry. I don't want to get married.
Terrific. That makes two of us.
Will you unzip me? Sure.
Does this thing move? Oh, yeah.
Where are we going? No, don't tell me. Let me guess.
We are a bride in search of a wedding.
No. No?
There is a wedding in search of a bride.
Let me put it another way.
Think of it as a wedding posse in search of a bride.
You understand that, cowboy?
Yeah.
What are ya do in'?
These are my shoes. Oh, yeah.
And these are my legs. Yeah.
What're you gonna do with them?
With the shoes, or the legs?
Last time I saw legs like that, they had a message tied to 'em.
What do you mean? These are great little legs.
I'm a professional.
Well, in that case, you shouldn't be dressed in white.
Dancer. Oh.
Well, cowboys love fat calves.
They're not fat.
Well, they're bigger than mine.
Do we really wanna talk about legs?
One of us does, otherwise we wouldn't have gone.
Smart ass.
What're we do in' now?
Well, I am getting my clothes, you fool.
That's a good ideia. Why don't you slip into some thin' comfortable?
Are we really going 110?
We're going 110.
Why do you wear that cowboy hat?
I know. Because you think it looks dazzling on you.
I had no ideia when I bought this wedding dress
it was gonna be so hard to get out of.
Hold up on that car wash, gentlemen.
Come here, son.
Whoops.
You look tired, boy. Rest yourself.
You punks look tuckered out, too.
That's an attention-getter.
Now, a lady in a wed din' gown.
Yes, sir.
Get in a car?
Yes, sir.
See who was drivin'?
No, sir.
License plate?
Yes, sir. Georgia plates.
"BAN-ONE."
B- A-N dash O-N-E.
All right, now, you boys just stay here and watch the car.
There might be some vandals around who wanna steal some thin',
so you boys just stay here and keep your hands on the car
until one of my associates arrive.
And don't go home, don't go to eat,
and don't play with yourself.
It wouldn't look nice on my highway.
Oh, you can think about it, but don't do it.
Hey, man, he He's gone. Let's Let's get out of here.
Shit. You do what you want. I'm stay in' right here.
Twenty-eight years old and. Oh, goodness, what's this?
I'll just tuck it right in. I was down here dancing in a home appliance show.
I danced around three trash mashers.
Talk to me, my boy.
I had this costume that lit up.
I only short-circuited once. Howdy there, good buddy.
Where did you get that seat cover, son?
No, this ain't no seat cover.
So I was standing out in the parking lot.
I'm sitting beside Lawrence of Arabia.
in my costume with the lights
and I met this guy. These can't be my pants.
God, he was good looking, and he had this hat on.
Funny, ain't she? He was tall,
and I don't know, I think he was from Texas or something,
and I thought, "I don't know, why don't you marry the guy? What else have you..."
Nobody walks out on a pretty wed din' I set up.
Right.
I'm gonna get that girl and set everything straight.
She insulted my town. She insulted my son.
Look, what if we. Shut up.
She insulted my authority. Yeah.
And that's no thin' but pure and simple, old-fashioned communism.
Happens every time one of those dancers starts poontangin' around
with those show-folk fags.
I mean, I was halfway down the aisle,
and I said to myself, "Jesus Christ, what are you doing?
"His mother doesn't even have any teeth!"
I jumped in this car, and it blew up on the side of the road.
Then I ended up in this goddamn airplane. What do you do?
I don't remember.
Oh, are we on the air?
Sort of. Yeah.
You think I'm nuts, don't you?
No, I don't think you're crazy.
I picked up three brides yesterday.
Just like you, very subdued.
Hey, what. What's go in' on up there?
Come back, Bandit. Bandit?
Is that your name or your profession?
That's my handle. Bo's my real name.
What's your name? Carrie.
Hey, is she wearing a wedding dress?
She was.
What's she wear in' now? Come back.
Hey, you got peanut butter or some thin' in your ears?
Tell me what that woman's got on! Her mind?
Ten-four.
No coozie's gonna leave me in no church.
Decoratin' up a whole town at a cost of $40.
Right.
I can see her now,
runnin' back up that aisle.
No, she was dancin' back up the aisle.
Her knockers bouncin' all over the joint.
Let go of that wheel.
Why, her ass was wigglin', too.
Why so fast? You late for a big bowling date?
Cute.
So, tell me about yourself.
What do you wanna know, my sign?
No, I mean, what do you do besides drive fast?
Have fun. Is this fun?
Drivin'? Oh, driving, talking to me.
Well, they're both a challenge.
You've got a great profile.
Yeah, I do, don't I? Especially from the side.
Well, at least we finally agree on something.
Yeah. We both like half my face.
Hey, would a cop taking a leak on the side of the road interest you?
Yes, it would.
He's taking a ten-100.
Well, at least it's better than a ten-200.
Smokey. Smokey.
Is this fun? I forgot to tell ya.
I'm runnin' blocker for 400 cases of illegal Coors.
Holy shit!
I don't believe this.
Funny, I don't remember that turn.
Bandit, where in the hell are you?
I'll be back on the highway in a second.
All right, good buddy. I'll keep my eyes peeled.
Them things are fabulous. I think I just went ten-100.
Well, it's better than ten-200. That's true.
Well, the more wheels I got the better I like it
I'm a rowdy truck-driving mother
Boogity, boogity, boogity, boogity
Snowman, you got your ears on?
You lucky devil, you got him.
Where the hell are you?
I'm on a two-lane blacktop.
Highway marker number 71.
How's our time do in'?
Oh, how are we do in' on time?
Doin' about 25 minutes ahead of schedule. Come back.
What's your 20?
I'm about four miles ahead of you, turkey.
Not for long.
Breaker, breaker to the Bandit.
Come on back, breaker.
Bandit, I've got a Smokey report for you. Come on.
Well, talk to me, good buddy. You've got trouble comin'.
Well, what's your handle, son, and what's your 20?
My handle's Smokey Bear,
and I'm tail-grab bin' your ass right now.
God damn. That's a Texas mo untie.
What the hell's he do in' in Arkansas?
I don't know.
Well, let's just see what he's got under the hood.
Bye-bye, baby
You smoke much?
I just started.
Cledus, you got your ears on, son?
Oh, bring it on, you lucky devil.
Comin' around you. Over. Look, be careful.
You're gonna have to make your own lane, buddy,
'cause you definitely got oncoming traffic.
Be careful. Be careful.
Oh, my. Oh, my God!
I'm about to be killed in this.
In this moving CB radio show, and I. I don't even have a handle!
You want a handle? Ok, I'll think one up for ya, just a minute.
Let's see. Oh, I got one for ya. What?
Just give me a minute here.
He done good, didn't he, Fred?
What?
Frog.
Why? 'Cause you're always hop pin' around,
and you're kinda cute like a frog,
and I'd like to jump ya.
Nobody,
nobody makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice
look like a possum's pecker.
'Cept for that. Shut your ass.
Break for that Bandit One. Break for that Bandit One.
Yeah, Snowman. Come on back.
That was a Texas bubble gum machine on your back door.
A Texas bubble gum machine?
Yeah, I saw him.
Hoss, you ain't gonna believe this,
but that crazy sombitch just tried to drive right up under my truck.
What's a Texas county mo untie doing in Arkansas?
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
Well, who the hell knows? I really don't know.
What we're deal in' with here
is a complete lack of respect for the law.
This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice.
I'm in pursuit of a black Trans Am.
He's all mine, so stay out of the way.
This is Sheriff George Branford of Deeson County, Arkansas.
We are apprised of the situation and are taking appropriate measures.
Did you say you are a sheriff?
That's a big ten-four!
This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice of Texas!
Texas? You know, of course, that you're out of your jurisdiction.
I suggest that you let my department handle the situation.
That's very comfort in', but I'm in a high-speed pursuit.
Don't you hear good?
I hear perfectly.
The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.
The goddamn Germans got no thin' to do with it!
What'd he say? Shut up! One shit at a time!
All right.
What do ya see? We lost him.
This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice again.
I lost that Trans Am. Set up a roadblock.
Good ideia. What the hell you know?
I believe we have the situation well under control, Sheriff.
Breaker, breaker. This is breaker look in' for the Bandit.
Come on. You out there, son?
You got the Bandit. Come on back.
My handle's Silver-Tongued Devil,
and I'm here to tell you your fellow CBers are
mighty proud of you out there. Come on.
Well, thank ya, son. I appreciate it.
Tell me, you comin' up on Fayetteville and Interstate 82?
We're almost on top of it.
Well, then I got a big, bad bear story for you out there.
I just rolled past a county mo untie roadblock down there.
You are a silver-tongued devil.
That's a big ten-four, good buddy.
Well, you keep your wheels spinnin' and the beavers grinnin', then. I'm out.
Why, thank you, Officer.
Classy guy. Classy guy.
Did you see that? They went right through our roadblock.
You sombitches couldn't close an umbrella.
You know some thin', Sheriff? What?
If J.W. don't get out of my way, I'm gonna pass him.
Where? In the woods?
Listen, I don't care if your daddy is the mayor.
You wreck this car, it's gonna come out of your pay.
Yeah, but, Sheriff, he's get tin' away.
Son, he's not go in' anywhere.
The Mulberry Bridge has been dismantled for the past six months.
That's not good.
It would be better with a whole bridge.
And that's worse.
Why don't you just drop me off here? I'll catch a cab.
Too late now.
We did it! We did it!
See? I didn't wreck it, Sheriff.
We jumped over that bridge! We did that!
Did you see what we did? Yes, I did.
I wanna jump something else!
I wanna jump a house! I wanna jump something!
Well, jump me.
Honest to God, it wasn't my fault, Sheriff! I stopped!
Yeah, right.
Hey, boy, where's Sheriff Branford?
I am Sheriff Branford.
Oh. Hey.
For some reason or another,
you sounded a little taller on radio.
What the hell is the world comin' to?
That sounds good to me, Tower of Power. Hey, listen, good buddy.
What channel we on?
What? What channel are we on?
Eleven.
Snowman, are you out there, son?
I'm up here do in' what I'm supposed to be do in'.
What are y'all doing back there, he'n' and she'n'?
Come back. Oh, we were play in' a little bridge.
How we been do in'?
We lo sin' minutes, son.
We lo sin' minutes. If you don't get up here and run me some interference,
me and you ain't never gonna make it. Come back.
I'm gonna drop the little dolly off at a choke-and-puke,
and then I'm gonna get right back on the job.
All right. Ten-four on that choke-and-puke.
Oh, by the way, Bandit. Yeah, guy.
How 'bout bring in' me a hamburger for Fred here?
I'm beginnin' to worry about him.
He's look in' a little thin in the skin. You got 'em.
Choke-and-puke. Choke-and-puke.
That's where I'll get off. Right.
You know, you ought to give up smokin'. That's bad for your health.
But I enjoy it so much.
I guess you can get your ticket over there.
You got enough money? Yeah.
I have enough to get to Jersey,
walk the rest of the way.
Hey, thanks.
It was no thin'.
I'll see you around. Yeah.
Frog?
You gonna be all right?
Yeah.
I'm always all right.
Can I have a couple of cheeseburgers to go and a glass of iced tea?
Yeah, ok.
How much I owe ya, ma'am?
Dollar and a half. There you are. Keep the change.
Just keep your eye out for that Mr. Bandit bastard!
Let me have a diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper.
Make it fast. I'm in a goddamn hurry.
You want some thin'? Hush puppies, Daddy.
We got no time for that crap!
Dumb sombitch!
Diablo and Doc. Thank you, nice lady.
You must be in a hell of a hurry, huh, Sheriff?
You bet your ass on that, boy.
Oh, you got a little mess there. Let me.
Let me help you out here, get that off of there. That's.
Yeah, yeah. Much obliged.
Who ya chasin'? Somebody chasin' you?
Nobody chasin' me, boy.
I been chasin' a goddamn maniac all the way from Texarkana, Texas.
Really? What is he, a bank robber?
Bank robber? Right.
Bank rob bin' is baby shit alongside of what this dude is do in'.
Yeah?
Almost killed 20 law officers.
Drivin' through people's back yards, knock in' down mailboxes.
He's got a broad in the car,
took her across the state line.
That's the Mann Act.
I don't think he's got her permission, and that's kidnapping.
How's that for hijinks? Yeah.
What I owe? Oh, let me pay for it. Let me pay.
Oh, no. No, no. You're an officer of the law.
I'd I'd be honored. Much obliged.
Where's the can? I gotta take a squirt.
Oh, right back there. Just used it myself.
Hey! Hey! What are you do in' in my car?
You're go in' the wrong way! Oh.
Hang on! What the hell are ya do in'?
Sheriff Justice is in there! I know! I know!
Thank you, nice lady. - Sure thing.
Yoo-hoo! Sheriff!
Oh, boy.
Nice ass.
The truth is, I didn't want to be dumped at any old truck stop.
I wanted to stay with you, and I needed an excuse.
Well, why didn't ya ask? Well, you might've said no,
and I have a hard time handling rejections.
We're gain in' on 'em.
I think it'd be a good ideia if we changed places, don't you?
Yeah. You be a passenger for a while now.
Yeah. Up. Up. I'll just kinda slide right.
Oh, you got my hair! Sorry. Slide right under.
I don't know. Wait. Wait. Wait! I got it. I got it!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Hold it! Stuck here. Ok. Wait! Wait, wait!
This is not work in'. I got my foot on the.
Come on! It's not God damn it! I saw them do it in movies.
Oh, my God!
Duck, or you're gonna be talk in' out of your ass!
Daddy, the top came off.
No shit.
Snowman! How are your vocal cords?
Well, my vocal cords are fine.
I'm a little worried about Fred's, now.
He's been gnawing everything in the cab of this truck, barkin' and scream in'.
I think he's turned into a stalk of bananas. Come back.
What's your 20?
About 16 miles this side of Mississippi.
Hold it. I just passed another Kojak with a Kodak.
This place is crawl in' with bears. Where the hell are you?
Come back.
I'm still tryin' to get rid of that Texas county mo untie.
I don't know what the hell he wants.
You know what he wants.
How would you like to be the dude that handcuffs a legend?
Listen. Give me five minutes.
We're gonna put some moves on that mother. I'll meet ya at Old Miss.
Well, you'd better hurry, or we can just kiss that money good-bye. Understand?
I read you loud and clear. Ten-four.
You got the one Snowman. I'm eastbound and down.
We gone, killer.
That's the way I wanna go out. That's the best.
Hey, man, watch it!
What the hell was that?
A left, or a half a "U."
Well, please don't do it anymore.
Hey, you know who that was?
Check this out.
Bandit, this here's the Grave Robber.
Put the pedal to the metal, good buddy,
and we'll hold this county mo untie as long as we can.
Come on. Well, go, girl, go!
I'm go in'! I'm go in'! I've got the metal to the pedal,
and the thing to the floor.
Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he?
If they had of cremated the son of a bitch,
I could've been kick in' that Mr. Bandit's ass around the moon by now.
Hold my hat!
My hat blew off, Daddy. I hope your goddamn head was in it.
Ok. We're gonna switch. Ok.
Get up! I'm comin' over. Oh! Oh, my goodness.
I'm comin' over underneath you. You can just slide right on over.
Just slide.
I think I'm in love with your belt buckle.
Close. Colorful, but close.
I like this seat better anyway.
Yes. Have a smoke. It seems to help.
Come on, defense!
Come on, Billy Ray, get tough!
You know, I wanted to be a high fashion model once.
Really?
But, hell, how long can you model clothes for 8-year-olds?
Boys. Besides that, my cheeks were too fat.
These cheeks. These.
Oh, my goodness, we're airborne here. Jesus Christ!
Oh, look, a football game! There's kids! For Christ's sake, watch out!
I know they're kids. What do you think I think they are?
Don't hit the kids! Get your hands off my wheel!
Oh, lean to the left, lean to the right What are ya do in'?
Stand up there and see if you can see where the hell they went.
Can you see anything?
Yeah, it's a football game.
Can we watch, Daddy?
You stay and watch the game. I'm go in' back!
Daddy.
Bandit, you're reckless
And you live much too hard
Ought to be in Nashville.
Yo, Snowman, are ya out there, son?
What's your 20? Where are you?
I'm at mile marker 85. Come back.
Son of a gun! So am I!
Well, damned if ya ain't. Damned if ya ain't.
Cledus? Yeah.
This is Frog.
Hello, Frog. I want you to meet Fred, Frog.
Hey, Fred.
This is for Fred. Frog, feed Fred.
Fine. What the hell's wrong with you?
You told me you were gonna dump the chick at the truck stop.
Ran into complications, that's all.
You're always runnin' into complications. It's pretty here.
Always the same, you run into some chick.
We ain't do in' no good on the time at all.
What the hell are we standing here yap pin' for?
We gotta get going. It's the chick.
Here we go.
Switch down to the next channel, right? Yeah.
Hey, Bandit? Nice ass.
Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.
Bye.
All right, Fred. Come on. Let's go, boy.
Come on. Up here, Fred. Come on. Come on.
I'm tired of pick in' you up Fred!
Did Cledus call you a legend?
Uh-huh.
Why?
Well, I used to do some crazy things. I used to.
So did I.
One. Two. Three. Four.
Five. Six. Seven. Eight.
One. Two. I'm a gypsy. Four.
That's someone who goes from chorus line to chorus line.
Six. Seven. Eight.
You know, I was on Broadway once.
Really?
For almost 12 minutes.
The show closed the first night.
God, I was so good. You should've seen me. You'd have loved me.
What do you do?
Well, I. Straight.
I just go from place to place
and do what I do best.
What's that?
Show off.
Yeah. You do do that well.
You do.
So do I. Five. Six. Seven. Eight.
For almost 12 minutes.
Oh, shut up.
Come here, Fred. Come here, boy. Come.
Fred, don't you make me come after you.
Get over here, Fred! Come here.
I'm in a hurry, and you want to take a swim. You're drivin' me crazy, Fred.
Oh, get up here.
What is the matter with you, Fred?
That's it for you and the truck drivin', I'll tell you that right now.
Look, I've got to go ten-100.
Could I have a dime?
Crawl under. Terrific.
Crawl under.
Howdy. Trans Am! What's your pleasures?
Fill it up, my man.
Give me that talker.
Hello? Mr. Bandit?
Would you just happen to be listen in' out there?
Can you hear me, boy?
This is the Bandit. Who've I got at that end?
This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice of Texas.
Well, hot damn.
Welcome to Mississippi, Sheriff.
Thank you, Mr. Bandit.
And I got a big welcome wait in' for you when I get you back home,
you sombitch!
Don't you cuss on this here radio.
I apologize to all the friendly folk who are listen in'.
Now hear this, you tick turd.
I'm gonna get you.
I didn't come all the way this far to go home with empty pockets.
I been mean in' to ask you that.
How come you're follow in' me?
I'd be delighted to tell you, Mr. Bandit.
You see, when I get you back home,
I'm gonna find the tallest tree in the country.
And then I'm gonna hang you from it.
Sheriff?
I'm listen in'.
Do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?
Smart ale ck.
Tell you what, partner, you keep this one for yourself.
All right. Have a smooth ride, Mr. Bandit.
Thank you, partner.
Hello, there, Snowman. I'm right beside you, son.
Looks like we got a clear shot all the way to the 'Bama state line.
Oh, a clear shot to the 'Bama state line?
I'm gonna believe that when I see it.
This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice puttin' out an all-point advisory.
That black Trans Am is now headed toward Alabama.
What happened, Daddy?
Get back in the goddamn car.
You know who I feel has really revolutionized American musical theater?
That Stephen Sondheim.
Yeah? Yeah.
Who's he Who's that? Stephen Sondheim?
Yeah. Does he do a lot of musicals and stuff?
Yeah.
He ever do anything with Brenda Lee?
Does she dance?
She spins. She's a little spinner.
They were a good group.
The Spinners were good. Yeah. Yeah.
Have you ever been in any high school plays and stuff?
Holy shit. We got a lot of company up there.
A lot of company.
Sarge, here he comes. Yeah, I got eyes.
Are you ready, Roy?
I was born ready.
Don't just stand there. Let's go get him!
Drives pretty good, don't he, Sarge?
We'll see about that.
Sarge, you ok?
You see me movin', don't ya?
Wanna do a little pond hopping, Frog? Oh, swell.
Now, I know you're in a little distress here,
but did you see a black Trans Am go by?
He caused all of this, the Bandit.
Ain't he some thin'?
The Bandit ain't no thin'. He's a mental case.
Good shit!
Banzai!
I saw that, you sombitch!
You did that on purpose!
You're go in' away till you're gray!
I got the evidence! Put the evidence in the car.
But, Daddy.
Put the evidence in the car!
I'm gonna barbecue your ass in molasses!
Put the evidence in the back.
There's no way, no way,
that you could come from my loins.
Soon as I get home, the first thing I'm gonna do
is punch your mama in the mouth.
I'll be with you in a moment, young man.
Bandit, honey, this is the Good Witch of the North speak in'.
You'd better not come this way.
There's been a little fender bender here on 64.
Snowman, did you copy that?
Yeah, I got a great big four on that.
That'll work for me, 'cause I need to pull off,
suck up a little go-go juice and put some groceries down my neck.
Y'all be careful and I'll catch ya later.
One Snowman. I'm play in' on the side.
We'll be ten-ten on the side, son.
Lady, don't you know you're supposed to signal?
Oh.
Really?
They call you the Bandit
An outlaw untamed
Shackled only by freedom
You wear no man's chain
We got some time. You wanna stretch your legs, Frog?
Some say they despise you
Sure.
Well, maybe they do
But deep down inside them
I bet they wish they were you
Fill her up, hoss. Yeah.
Come on, Frederick. My boy, my boy.
Let's go get some of Lamar's greasy spoon.
I'm gonna put you on a diet, Fred. Mercy.
Come on, Fred. Come on, boy.
Inside.
Come on, boy.
Lamar, surprise. Look who's here.
I knew you was comin'. Hi, Snowman.
What do you mean, you knew I was comin'?
Lamar, you're rotten to the core, you know that.
About as rotten as that food you've been poison in' me with.
How many do you want?
I don't know. Fix the same thing.
Just cook the onions this time.
How in the hell have you been, Sugar Bear?
Pretty good. You, Snowman?
Oh, pretty good, considering the shape I'm in.
Say hello to Waynette. Ok.
Looks like old Fred's get tin' fat.
Yeah, tell me about it.
It damn sure ain't from eatin' the food at this joint.
Tell me about that. I know it.
By the way, where did you get all them warthogs back there?
Damn if I know. They slid in here a little while ago.
I'm gonna slide on out. Catch you later, Snowman.
Yeah, why don't you just leave me? - Who's ready for beer?
Yes, operator?
This is a collect call from Cledus Snow.
No, I am not Hank Snow's brother. No.
Hey, sugar babe, how you do in'?
Could I ask you something? Sure.
Do you think we have anything in common?
I mean, besides being chased around the country in that fakakta car?
Yeah.
Like what?
Have you ever seen a Broadway show chorus line?
No.
You like Elton John?
No.
Do you know who Casey Tibbs is?
Baseball player.
Close. Richard Petty? No.
Waylon Jennings? No.
When you tell somebody some thin',
it depends on what part of the United States you're stand in' in
as to just how dumb you are.
Mr. Bandit, you have a lyrical way of cutting through the bullshit.
And you have a unique way with the English language, Miss Frog.
Bandit steals a lady's heart
With only a smile
Don't you ever take that hat off for anything?
Sure.
I take it off for one thing, and one thing only.
And you live much too hard
Bandit, you're the joker
If we were lost on a desert island together Yes?
Do you think we'd get along and talk and things?
Sure.
Yeah, we'd get along.
It'd never be boring, I can tell you that.
It would never be boring.
Take your hat off.
If you want to.
They call you the Bandit
I want to.
They call you the Bandit
No.
Honey, we'll be home in a little while. I wanna.
Hey!
Is this your goddamn mutt?
Honey, I got I gotta go. I'II I gotta go. Bye.
Yeah, that's my dog. Yeah.
Well, he just bit me.
Fred! Come here, Fred.
I said he just bit me.
Put the son of a bitch out of his misery. Let's roast him.
That's not a bad ideia. Eat him.
I don't think Fred bit you, mister.
Fred absolutely don't like grease.
Gearjammer, huh?
King of the Road, huh?
It's time you get out. That's a big ten-four.
How much do I owe you, Billy?
$73.84.
Never mind. Just keep the change.
Sorry what happened, Snowman.
It's ok, Lamar.
Far out.
What the hell is this, a drive-in movie?
Get off of there, you schnauzer's dick!
How do, Officer? My name's.
I don't care if your name's Broderick Crawford.
Don't you know you can't drive a piece of shit like that on the highway?
I'll thank you not to use that kind of language in my presence.
Never mind that crap. What the hell is this?
This is evidence.
Evidence?
Well, I don't care what it is.
You can't drive this piece of shit on my highway.
I'm tell in' you for the last time.
I happen to have my young son in the car,
and I don't wanna hear that kinda language.
Look, I'm askin' you one single, goddamn. Hold it!
Hold it!
Don't you ever, ever raise your voice to me!
Do you know who you're talk in' to?
I happen to be Buford T. Justice,
a distinguished officer of over 30 years' seniority!
One of the most highly-respected law enforcement agents
in the United States of America.
That vehicle happens to be evidence,
valuable evidence,
that's going to convict a maniac
that I've been tryin' to apprehend
and that I have been in high-speed pursuit of for 700 miles!
He is wanted for a Mann Act,
kidnap pin', and the attempted murder of over 20 brother officers.
Sir, I'm sorry.
I had no ideia.
It never occurred to me.
Well, please, sir, you proceed immediately. And, well, sir, I.
I hope you'll accept my apologies for my profanity.
Apology accepted. Now.
How about you, Bandit? You copy this, Snowman? Come on.
I got ya, son. Come on back.
You ain't gonna believe this,
but I just did my imitation of Joe Palooka.
I went a few rounds with some dudes at this eat-'em-up joint.
Oh, I believe ya. I believe anything you tell me.
How'd ya do, same as always?
Yeah, 'bout normal.
I lost.
Hey, look, we also lost a lot of valuable time, too. We gonna really have to cook.
- Is that a ten-four? - That's a big ten-four.
Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer
named Robert Crumly.
We were together eight and a half days.
God, I really thought that was it.
And?
One day I came home and found him in the shower.
With a girl and her mother!
Well, at least he kept it in the family.
You have a wonderful way of putting things.
So did he. Oh, yes.
Breaker one-nine. Breaker one-nine. This is the Bandit.
I'm look in' for a west-bounder on Highway 85.
I need a Smokey report, and I need it bad, son.
This is Foxy Lady, Bandit.
We heard you were comin' by,
and we decided we'd take care of those bears for you.
You know, a little "personalized service."
Well, just send me the bill, Foxy Lady.
Better yet, why don't you come by and pay up in person?
I'll catch you on the flip side, darlin'.
I'm too pooped to pop.
Daddy, listen. Shut up!
But I'm just ahead of you.
I'm at mile marker 86. Come on by, Bandit.
All right, you talked me into it.
Now I got that sombitch,
and I got him with his fly open.
Well, what're we gonna do when we get home?
Go to bed for a week. Good ideia.
And sleep.
Wanna bet?
Hey, Orville, you seen that new waitress down at the diner, name Arlene?
She's got some nice legs. She's look in' good.
I'd like to take a run on her.
Oh, man, what are you talk in' about? I'm tell in' ya.
Let me tell you some thin' about that.
Tell ya, she makes herself a batch of.
Feel lucky? Let's get him.
This is Car Four. We're in pursuit of the black Trans Am.
It's the Bandit.
Eastbound and down
Loaded up and truck in'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there
I'm eastbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run
Oh, shit.
Breaker one-nine. Breaker one-nine.
I see a portable gas station ahead of me. Do you copy?
Is this Bandit? This is Mr. B,
and I'm gear jam min' this roll in' refinery.
You got another Smokey on the rubber?
It's the Bandit, son. Can we slide right into your convoy there?
Come ahead, Bandit. We'll slip you into the rock in' chair,
play a little hide-and-seek.
The welcome mat is out, and you're comin' home.
Ten-four.
We're going in the rocking chair, honey. Good.
Trucks, I love 'em. I love 'em.
This is not a convoy. This is a dream.
They can see right down into this car, you know that?
Well, so what?
That's why I used to love to drive those trucks, darlin'. Spot those beavers.
Safe as in your mother's womb here, darlin'.
Is that right? Yeah.
Son, never mind them brakes
Let it all hang out
'Cause we got a run to make
The boys are thirsty in Atlanta
And there's beer in Texarkana
And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes
Eastbound and down
Loaded up and truck in'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go
And a short time to get there
I'm eastbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run
Old Smokey's got them ears on
He's hot on your trail
He ain't gonna rest till you're in jail
So you gotta dodge him You gotta duck him
You gotta keep that diesel truck in'
Just put that hammer down and give it hell
Thank you, Mr. B. I don't know how to thank ya.
You can thank me by not get tin' caught.
Have a good day and a better one tomorrow, good buddy.
Hey, Bandit, this is Little Beaver.
Put your foot on the floor. We got your back door, and I'm clear.
That's a ten-four. Snowman, you got your ears on, son?
You've got him, you lucky devil.
You're about to come up on a convoy.
Keep your rubber band stretched real tight.
Ten-four, ten-four. I'm bring in' it, son. I'm bring in' it. I'm clear.
Eastbound and down
Loaded up and truck in'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go
And a short time to get there
I'm eastbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run
Keep your foot hard on the pedal
Son, never mind them brakes
Let it all hang out
'Cause we got a run to make
The boys are thirsty in Atlanta
And there's beer in Texarkana
But we'll bring it back no matter what it takes
Eastbound and down
Loaded up and truck in'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go
And a short time to get there
I'm eastbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run
I don't care if you're the Governor of Texas. You're makin' a big mistake.
Read him his rights, Junior.
"You have the right to remain silent.
"Anything you say may be held against you in a court of law."
And. What's all this about?
Why, hello, Officer. Glad you're here to assist me.
My name is Sheriff Buford T. Justice.
I have just apprehended the Bandit. No, sir.
You just apprehended my captain.
Take the cuffs off, Junior.
But, Daddy, we just. Take the cuffs off, you moose twit!
May I express my feelings about inconveniencing ya?
But if you gonna hang out in these kinda joints,
wear a badge on your didie!
Oh, no.
Hey, Bandit, hey, Bandit. Listen to this.
You know who that is? That's Mr. Evel Knievel.
He snuck in my back door when I wasn't look in'.
You better flip-flop back here and give me a hand, son,
or we gonna be in a heap of trouble.
Please roger that transmission.
Hold on to Fred. Here comes the cavalry.
Howdy, Officer.
How ya do in'? Give me your license and manifest, boy.
Manifest.
You know you was go in' 96 miles an hour?
I was do in' 96. You're damn right, you was.
I didn't know this truck could do 96 miles an hour.
When the judge gets to you, boy, he's gonna turn you every way but loose.
It's time you truckers learn these roads don't belong to you.
Yeah, I know that.
You be careful, you hear?
Whoa. Want a little piece of advice, Bandit?
Yeah. Lay it on me, son.
Don't take your foot off of that hammer.
Them bears're about to pour over you like maple syrup.
Ten-four.
You all right? Yeah.
Son, don't you know this ain't Saturday?
Thanks a lot.
We don't need assistance. I've got him in my sights.
Headquarters, disregard my last transmission.
Son, you reckon you can let me off at the next exit?
Boy, go get your daddy a beer. Ok.
I understand every cop in the state's after him.
Stay ten-ten. I'll let you know.
That's a big ten-four. I copy you.
Damn, he's been stirring up some trouble.
It's the Bandit!
I'm hot to trot, longshot.
Just tell me how I can help and I'm with ya, body and soul.
Channel clear. Breaker one-nine. Breaker one-nine.
Is that Hot Pants Hilliard I hear yak kin' out there?
And who wants to know?
This is the Bandit, darling.
Well, where are you, you bodied-up, smooth-talk in' thing?
And how can I help? Bring it back.
You still work in' at that choke-and-puke on west 85?
Affirmative, affirmative. I'm still dish in' it out.
We're gonna come scream in' by there in five minutes with a herd of Smokeys on our ass.
How 'bout get tin' those pallies of yours out there and block them off?
Love to! But, hey, you're gonna owe me one.
I owe you a big one.
That's a big ten-four.
Ten-four.
All right, gang, we're gonna go for a big Smokey red 22.
Ride with me? Yeah.
You sure we ain't gonna get in trouble?
I've done it before.
We're comin' at you, darlin'. Are you ready?
Ready, will in' and able, Bandit.
"Ready and willing." She always was.
Ok, gang, be alert, be alert, 'cause here he comes.
Well, go ahead and answer.
Ten-four, Hot Pants. We copy.
Let go of the button.
Pay dirt. I just picked up the Bandit eastbound on 95.
All units converge.
I copy, Chopper One. I'm on my way.
This is Trooper Baker, I'm heading for the fairgrounds.
This is Car 12. Bobby Lee and I have him westbound on 75.
Cledus, where the hell are we?
Four miles to go, good buddy.
Four miles. God damn it! Four miles. Four miles.
Bo, did you count on this?
I mean, all of this?
No, I didn't, honey.
Cledus? Talk to me, my boy.
God damn it, son, we gave it our best shot.
I don't like this any more than you do, but,
we ain't gonna make it, son. We're gonna hang it up.
Whoa, negator y, negator y! What are you, crazy or some thin'?
We come this far, ain't we?
When we say we gonna do a job, we do a job!
It's me they're after. They don't even know Cledus Snow exists.
Oh, they don't? Well, I'll tell you what we gonna do.
We just gonna introduce them to the boy.
So move over a little bit, good buddy,
'cause the Snowman is comin' through.
Hold on to your ass, Fred.
Hot damn, we're gonna make it.
Damn it! Move them vehicles. We gotta get through there!
Here they come!
Daddy, you're about to have your even in' ruined for you.
All right.
We're in trouble. I know we're in trouble.
What time is it? - One minute after.
God damn, we're 10 minutes early. We're in trouble.
We need two things. We need a way out of here.
We need the money.
Well, here's my Cadillac.
That'll leave me with an even dozen. Good luck, son.
Cledus, get the money. How 'bout the money?
How 'bout double or no thin'? How 'bout forget tin' it?
Wait a minute. What about double or no thin'?
You run up to Boston, bring back some clam chowder
for me and my daddy.
You're on. You're on.
In 18 hours? You're still on.
You're crazy! And I'm divorced!
And you. Ain't half bad, is it?
Twenty-to-one I break the son of a bitch this time.
Give me $500 on the Bandit.
Apprehend that horse ass for reckless drivin'!
But Daddy, he's.
Do what I tell you, you pile of monkey nuts.
Sheriff Buford T. Justice, please.
Who there?
This is Bandit Darville talk in'.
Where are you, you sombitch?
Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there's just one thing I wanna say.
You must be part coon dog, 'cause I been chased by the best of 'em,
and son, you make 'em look like they're all runnin' in slow motion.
I just wanna say that.
Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit.
And as the pursuer,
may I say you're the god damnedest pursue e I ever pursued.
Now that the mutual bullshit is over,
where are you, you sombitch?
I'm right down at the bottom of the hill.
I'm six-foot-eight, in a cowboy outfit.
I got a little pygmy standing beside me dressed like me. You can't miss me.
Ten-four.
Wait a minute. Scratch that. Hold it.
I can't lie to you, Sheriff. You're too good a man.
Look over your left shoulder.
We're on our way to Boston to get some clam chowder. Bye-bye.
No hard feelings, Junior!
I'm not givin' up! I'm not givin' up!
I'm never gonna give up! I'm never gonna give up!
I'll get you, you sombitch!
Daddy, Daddy, wait for me! Don't leave me! Who's gonna hold your hat?
Eastbound and down Loaded up and truck in'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go
And a short time to get there
I'm eastbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run
Keep your foot hard on the pedal
Son, never mind them brakes
Let it all hang out
'Cause we got a run to make
Those boys are thirsty in Atlanta
And there's beer in Texarkana
And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes
Eastbound and down
Loaded up and truck in'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go
And a short time to get there
I'm eastbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run
Old Smokey's got them ears on
He's hot on your trail
He ain't gonna rest 'til you're in jail
So you got to dodge him You got to duck him
You've got to keep that diesel truck in'
Just put that hammer down
And give it hell
Eastbound and down
Loaded up and truck in'
We gonna do what they say can't be done
We've got a long way to go
And a short time to get there
I'm eastbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run