Hello, boys.Agh.
Someone's here to see you.
Really?
It's Gibby!
I am Gibby.
Er, hi, Gibby.
Well, come in, come in.
Can you believe it? It's Gibby.
You are the Jonny?
Er, yup.
And you are the Adam. Or just "Adam".
I am the Gibby.
OK.
What an amazing surprise, eh, boys?
Yes, it would be if we...
UNDER HIS BREATH: ..knew who she was.
What? Don't be silly.
It's Gibby.
To them I am a mystery.
Oh.
Oh, Gibby?
Oh, why were you so horrible to Gibby?
What?Who's Gibby?
I am Gibby.
Who, is she? She's your bloody au pair.
So, we have an au pair now, do we? I'll get the potty.
Not now, stupid, your old au pair.
She's come to visit.Old au pair?
Yes, you were four, and Jonny was a baby.
From Switzerland? Liked animals?
Used to cry quite a lot.
The memory of me, it has vanished.
What? Of course the memory of you hasn't vanished.
BOTH:The memory of you hasn't vanished.
There we are.
I am Gibby.
Oh, my God.
Come though, darling.
Well, did they remember her?
GIBBY CRIES
She seems stable.
Oh, why did you have to say anything?
What?
KNOCKS ON DOOR Gibby?
Excuse me, I am using the facilities.
She's using the facilities?
URINATING
She's using the facilities.
Well, they're obviously excellent facilities.
She's still in there?Shhh.
But who just turns up? Stop it, will you?
So, how long's she staying? Five bleeding nights.
All right, Martin.
Ah, five nights with a total nutjob.
She's not a nutjob.
No, he said "total nutjob". MARTIN LAUGHS
Martin.
She's just a little emotional.
Gibby was always a little emotional, wasn't she, Martin?
A little emotional?
Oh, she was so sweet, she used to love it here.
And you know, she's already asked about having a cream tea.
JACKIE LAUGHS Only 40 bloody times.
Sorry, having a cream tea?
What? Like scones and cream and jam?
Yeah. Don't you remember?
Gibby used to go to the hotel round the corner,
and have a cream tea every day.
Every day she had a cream tea?
And you let this woman look after your children, did you?
For a whole year.Very good.
While she worked her way through 365 cream teas.
Stop it.
She just tried one once, and was, you know, hooked.
Total nutjob.
Shut up.
You used to adore her, Adam, adore her.
All right.I return.
Oh. There you are, love. Everything OK now?
Yes. The facilities, they are clean.
Oh. Great.
I sit in the vicinity of the boys?
Um.
The vicinity.
Aw, Gibby and our little babies.
Smile!
CLICK Mum.Ah, lovely.
Aw.
And now we go for the cream tea?
Christ.
Er, not now, Gibby, OK?
But, you are saying the old hotel,
it is still providing the cream teas?
Yes, but we'll get a cream tea another day.
Oh.
Gibby is very sad.
Um. Gibby's also visiting some of the other families
she worked for all those years ago.
Isn't that...Weird?
Yes, I am performing all the visits.
The family Sullivan, they is nice.
The family Goodman, they is very nice.
Ooh.
The family Carter, they is the best family.
Um, right.
But they is dead.
DOORBELL RINGS I'm getting that.
What he said.Yup.
Hello, boys and man.
ALL:Hi.All right, Jim?
No, I'm not all right, actually.
Really?I'm wounded.
JONNY AND ADAM:Wounded?
Oh, God, Jim, come in.
Thank you, Martin.
Come no, Milson. Get up there.
Oh, uh, uh.
That's it.
Where's your wound?
Here.
That's your wound?
I don't have any plasters you see.
And what if a dirty microbe got inside the wound
and travelled all the way down to my organs?
Your organs?
Yes, my kidneys, my livers.
You only have one liver, Jim.
I only have one liver now?
Everything all right?
Jim's lost one of his livers. Huh?
Do you have a plaster, Jackie?
I have a terrible, gaping wound.
God.Jonny, get a plaster.
Go on, Puss-face.Ugh.Jonny.
A man und a dog, they is in the house.
MILSON WHINES
Um, Jim, this is Gibby.
It's Gibby.
The dog, it is large.
Is it?
Um, Gibby's from Switzerland.
In Switzerland, the dogs of the mountain,
they is as large as wolves.
Wolves?
Er, Gibby was our au pair.
A pear?Right.
Auf wiedersehen.
JACKIE: Er, thank you.
Plaster.Thanks, Bobble.
Jim, do you want me to do it for you, or?
Can Gibby do my plaster?
OK.
One, two...Ah, ah!..it is done.
Good boy.
Good girl.
Und now I must use the facilities.
Jackie, might I also use the facilities?
Jim, Gibby's using the loo.
URINATING
Yes, Gibby's using the loo.
Goodbye, Jim.
Oh, yes, come on Milson.
Yes, Switzerland...
Ugh.Has Professor Bonkers gone?
Martin.What?
Jim fancies Gibby.
Shit on it.
Can't we just start?Shhh.
What's she still doing in there?
Rebuilding the facilities? MESSAGE TONE
Oh, Jim, not again.
What's he want now?
"Is Gibby warm enough in the house?"
Seriously? He met her for one minute.
He's bloody obsessed with her.
MESSAGE TONE Oh.Another one?
"Please ensure Gibby has easy access to fresh water."
Boys, get the hosepipe.
Yeah, and strangle me with it. JACKIE LAUGHS
I return.
Um, great.
Everything OK now?
Yes. My body, it is emptied.
How nice.
Right, tuck in, everyone. JACKIE LAUGHS
Ooh, and there's still about 900,000 potatoes,
so don't be shy.
Mm.
That's it, Martin, don't be shy.
Ow.
Gibby, nice?
Gibby is nice?
Er, the food, do you like the taste?
Mm, this is a difficult question.
Really? Why?
Because there is no taste.
And you're staying here how long?
For the five nights.
Oh, yes, the five nights.
Actually, Jackie, the taste that is the best for me
is the taste of the cream tea.
Bloody hell.
You know, with the scone and the cream.
Um, yeah, love.
And the jam of the berries of the straw.
Strawberry jam.
So, we are getting the cream tea now, ja?
Now?Er, not now, Gibby, OK? Maybe tomorrow?
Hmmm?
This is a tragedy.
WHISPERS:Five nights.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, Jim?Obviously.
Obviously.Hmmm?
Nothing. What do you want?
Er.
Great.
Um, I must apologise,
but I think I left something in your house,
you know, when I was here earlier.
Really? What?
How's Gibby?
Erm, fine.
What did you lose, Jim? Where's Gibby?
She's in the dining room. What did you lose?
Yes, I lost it in the dining room.
No, you didn't lose it in the dining room
because you didn't go in the dining room, remember?
You were just here.
Yes, well, maybe the thing that I lost...
..it rolled all the way from here
into the dining room.
OK, and the thing that you lost was?
A marble.Of course it was.
Yes, it was a particularly round marble
because it rolled all the way from here to remain...
Jim?..here.
Hello, all.Pissing heck.
Oh, hi, Jim.
Jim's lost a pretend marble.
Pretend marble?Real marble.
Huh?
Hello...
..Gibby.
Jim.
JIM WHINES AWKWARDLY
Is that all, Jim, or..?
Um, oh, yes.
Actually, no.
There is something I need to talk to Gibby about.
Really?Um...
..Switzerland.
Mm-hmm.
Well, thanks, Jim, so if you could...
JIM WHINES AWKWARDLY
Martin?
Come on, Jim. GIBBY LAUGHS
Come on.
Right.Argh.
My God.
Erm, sorry about him, Gibby.
He is a nice man?
Hm.Um.He has the fat legs?
What?I'm sorry?Fat legs?
Because the man I was with, I am having to finish with him
because he has the fat legs.
So, normal reasons, then.
Jackie, you think Jim has the fat legs?
Er, I wouldn't really know that, love.
GIBBY MOANS ANXIOUSLY
Nearly broke my bleeding back.
GIBBY MOANS
Everything all right, there, Gibby?
She's thinking about the fat legs.
The fat legs?
Um.You OK, love?
I am just remembering living in the house with the Goodman family.
It is the happiest time in the life for Gibby.
Ah, sweetie.
Sometimes I wished you was my family.
GIBBY SOBS
Oh, come here, love.
Don't be sad.
CRIES:Ja-ck-ie!
Jackie, there is only one thing in the world that can make me
feel happy in this moment.
Really? And what's that?
I mean, it's ridiculous.
Going for a cream tea halfway through dinner?
Who wants to bloody do that?
I want to bloody do that.
That's cos you'll eat anything at any time.
Yeah, is there anything you won't eat, ever?
Erm, wasps?
Oh, hurry up with the facilities.
You OK, Gibby?
I am now re-emptied.
Mazeltov. Let's go.
Oh, crab. What are you doing there?
Oh, just looking for my very round marble.
Hello, Gibby.
Hello, the Jim.
Well, we're just popping out now, so...
Oh, where are you "popping" to?
WHISPERS: Don't tell him.
We go to the old hotel Welmsley to have the cream tea.
You put cream in your tea?
It's a creamy tea?
Goodbye.
Oh, I forget.
Gibby.
Oh-oh-oh!
Hmmm.
Gibby fancies Jim.
Well, here we are.
Oh, my mouth is very excited for the taste of the cream tea.
Is your mouths very excited for the taste of the cream tea?
Oh, yes, we all have very excited mouths.
And now I must use the facilities.
Bloody hell.
Can't we just dump her here for five nights?
What? The hotel or the car park?
Either will do.
Come on.
Wait. That's Bradley.
Bradley?
It is. I haven't seen him for about 40 years.
We went to school together.
Oh, God... HE GASPS
He's lost an arm.
Poor Bradley.
Oh, dear.
Erm, excuse me.
I don't believe it! It's Martin bloody Goodman.
That's right!
Hello, Bradley.
Er, Neville.
Oh, yes, I meant Neville.
Erm, Shirley, this is Martin. We went to school together.
Lovely to meet you.
Oh, yes, this is my family.
The wife.
And, er, the children.
Thank you.
You know, lads, me and your dad got up to no end of mischief at school.
Really?Did you?
Remember old Hasting's car, when we let down all his tyres?
What? No.
Yeah, by the main hall.
And we did Miss Gant's tyres.
Did we?
And Mr Dudley's tyres. Don't you remember?Erm...
He doesn't have the best memory.
He hasn't got a memory!
Er, by the way, I'm so sorry. When, er...
When did that happen?
When did what happen?
Your arm.
My arm?His arm?
Are you joking or something?
Sorry?I didn't have an arm when I knew you.
- Oh, God. Didn't you?
No. I was born without an arm.
Shit. I must have forgot.
Er...
Um... Well, nice to have met you all.
Yeah, really nice.
You've never had an arm?
Goodbye, Martin.
Yeah, see you, Bradley.
Neville.
Well, that wasn't the most
embarrassing conversation of all time.Yeah, well done, dad.
Fancy not remembering he didn't have an arm!
All right. I remembered he didn't have a tail.
Martin!
Hello, all. THEY ALL GROAN
Is this the right place for a creamy tea?
Ooh! Oh, Jim! Oh, no!
Naughty Mr Metal Spoon is coming back for more!
No, Jim, no!
Please make it stop.
CLATTERING
Erm, five cream teas?
Thank God.
There you are.
And one...
..creamy... tea.
Ahh, creamy tea.
HE GROWLS SOFTLY
Lovely and thick.
25 years I am waiting for the delicious cream tea.
Well, I hope you enjoy it as much as you used to.
I hope so also, Jackie.
Very much.
Well?Well?
Oh...Gibby?
The cream is just too much sweet.
The jam, it is too much not sweet.
And the scone...
SHE SNIFFS
It is smelly.
"Smelly"?
SHE SOBS
JIM SLURPS LOUDLY
Well, this is terrific.
Oh, come on, Gibby, come out now.
I do not never come out.
What a shame.
What are we meant to do?
Nothing. She just spends the next five nights locked in a hotel bog.
Yup.Where's your father?
Er, he's just finishing his five cream teas.
SHE SIGHS
Oh, come out, will you?
Jackie, I've finished my creamy tea
and now I'm all ready to liberate Gibby.
You're going to liberate Gibby, are you, Jim?
Yes, Jackie.
Right. And what are you going to do? Kick the door down?
Erm...
Stand back, please.
# There was a frog lived in a well
# Whipsee diddledee dandy dee
# There was a mouse lived in a well
# Whipsee diddledee dandy dee
# The frog he would a-wooing ride
# With a sword and buckler by his side
# With a harum-scarum diddle dum darum
# Whipsee diddledee dandy dee! #
DOOR OPENS
Thank you, Jim.
It is beautiful.
We're going.
What do you mean we're going? Don't ask.
I've still got another three cream teas to get through.
Come on.Jackie!
Come on!
I'm sorry, Martin.
The girl's too much. She's just too much.
Hm?Ugh! Martin!
Dad...What?
Your tyres?
Oh, crap.
I wonder who did that?
Neville sodding Bradley git.
Right, well, here we are, then, Jim.
Yes, here we are.
Not you.
Oh, Jim is not here?
No, he's just had to pop home and...
Make love to his dog.
Ow!
Gibby is so sad without Jim.
Yes, well, I'm sure you'll survive.
Why don't you come and have a nice little sit-down in the living room?
On the own?
That's right - on the own.
Mum?
Upstairs.
Ooh, what about this place?
Martin, you've shown me that place five times already.
It's fully booked.All right.
Isn't it a bit mean to just stick her in a hotel for the weekend?
Boys, it's only a couple of nights.
This place? Oh, my God, it's the same place!
Right, move. I'm doing it.
SHE SIGHS
Boys, please give your father Internet lessons.
Bloody Internet.
There's got to be somewhere near that's got a room.
That place looks all right.
Does it look all right?
"I found a rat in my room."
The London Rat Hotel.
Oh, shit.
You know, we're the ones that should be staying in a hotel,
Jackie, not old Giblet features.
Ha-ha!
Having a bit of time to ourselves.
Dad!
Having a bit of nippy-nippy.
Argh!Oh, my God, you're animals!
Oh, just go downstairs, then, if you don't like it.
We don't like it.Yeah.
Enjoy your five nights here with Gibby-Gibby and no nippy-nippy.
Sods.
I mean... JIM:Gibby!
SHE LAUGHS Oh, Casanova's back.
MUSIC PLAYS
Terrific evening.
And jump!
Er, Jonny?What?
Er, why are Mum and Dad driving off in your car?
Oi!Mum? Dad?Hey!
Come back!
Where are they bloody going?!Right!
What's going on?! Adam?
What's that? Obviously they're not answering.
The shits."Found a room in a rat-free hotel. Back late Sunday."
Oh, my God!The shits!
"Please look after Gibby."
They want us to look after Gibby?! Bastards!
What's dad put here? Oh, "Two words, - nippy-nippy."
Nice touch.I can't believe it.
They've just dumped us here with bloody...Hello?
The mother and the father, they is gone?
Er, they've just had to go away for a couple of days, Gibby.
Yeah.
But... who will look after Gibby?
BOTH:We will look after Gibby.
Can we do some more erotic dancing, now, Gibby?
Jim, I am thinking we have the upstairs of the house
to ourselves tonight.
Oh, God.
Maybe we can be having some fun.
Ooh, Gibby...
Ahh... Ahh!
Er...
You are liking what you are seeing?
Oh, yes, Gibby.
Guys...
Maybe you are liking to see some more?
HE BREATHES RAPIDLY
Wolves! Wolves!
HE WHIMPERS
HE SCREAMS
Oh...
Oh.
I use the facilities.
# I change shapes just to hide in this place
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
# Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal
# I change shapes just to hide in this place
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal... #
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