ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ♪♪♪ ]
ONE, TWO, THREE.
[ ♪♪♪ ]
MMM, HERE WE ARE IN FRONT OF THE ARC DE TRIOMPHE.
AND HERE WE ARE IN FRONT OF THE SACRE-COEUR.
Ted: [ Snoring ]
Michael: AND HERE WE ARE IN FRONT OF NAPOLEON'S TOMB.
LUCKY HIM. HE'S DEAD.
Michael: HERE I AM PLAYING...
A LOAF OF FRENCH BREAD, LIKE A...
Debbie: WOULD YOU TWO CUT IT OUT?
MA, YOU'RE INTERRUPTING.
WELL, I HATE IT WHEN COUPLES MAKE OUT IN FRONT OF YOU.
IT'S FRENCH.
WE'RE FRENCHING.
Michael: AND WITH THAT,
DAVID AND MICHAEL BID ADIEU TO PARIS.
FIN.
THAT MEANS THE END.
BON. THAT MEANS GOOD.
WELL, I HOPE EVERYONE WASN'T TOO BORED.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I HAVEN'T BEEN THAT ENTERTAINED SINCE "GANDHI".
OH, IT JUST LOOKED LIKE THE TRIP OF A LIFETIME.
Brian: IT SURE FELT THAT LONG.
Michael: THE THING YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER ABOUT PARIS
IS NOT DINING AT LUCAS-CARTON,
OR SHOPPING ON THE RUE DE ST-SULPICE.
IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS.
YOU KNOW, SHARING A BAGUETTE
WHILE STROLLING SUR LA SEINE...
THE SUR LE WHAT, HONEY?
THE SEINE, MOTHER.
IT'S A RIVER.
THANKS, BABY. MM-HMM.
WOULD ANYONE LIKE SOME, UH, VIN ROUGE?
LUCY, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN VIN ROUGE AND LISTERINE.
OKAY, ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS,
DID YOU MEET CATHERINE DENEUVE?
OH, GOD, I LOVE HER.
NO, BUT WE DID MEET THIS WONDERFUL COUPLE
UH, IN VERSAILLES.
OH, LET ME GUESS, LOUIS AND MARIE?
NO, JEAN-PIERRE AND YVETTE.
THEY HAVE THE MOST FABULOUS MAISON IN THE 16th.
OH, TRY THE BRIE.
TASTES LIKE CUM.
Various: OH, JEEZ!...
WHERE'S THE CHEDDAR?
HEY, MIND IF I JOIN YOU? NO.
HEY, SWEETIE.
HI!
OH-HO-HO, GOD, HE GETS BIGGER
EVERY TIME I SEE HIM.
IT'S ALL THAT DELICIOUS FRENCH BABY FOOD
GUILLAUME MAKES HIM.
SO THIS, UH, ARRANGEMENT'S WORKING OUT FOR YOU?
YEAH, A LOT BETTER THAN I THOUGHT.
Gus: [ Cooing ]
HONEY, EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO ME AS...
SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU,
I WISH YOU'D AT LEAST TAKE MY LEGAL ADVICE.
ACTUALLY... WE'RE GETTING MARRIED A WEEK FROM TODAY.
WHAT'D HE DO? KNOCK YOU UP?
NO, HIS DEPOR- TATION LETTER CAME YESTERDAY.
SO WE HAVE TO DO IT NOW.
MAYBE MICHAEL CAN FILM THE CEREMONY.
IT'S GOT TO LOOK REAL,
IN CASE THERE'S AN EVIDENTIARY HEARING.
[ Cooing ]
Melanie: I AM FREAKING OUT.
Brian: WHY? BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T ASK YOU
TO BE MAID OF HONOUR?
OU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
THEY'RE GOING THROUGH WITH IT...
NEXT WEEK!
IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE REALLY GETTING MARRIED.
IT'S JUST SO HE CAN STAY IN THE COUNTRY.
NOW, WHAT IF HE NEVER LEAVES?
WHAT IF HE BECOMES A PER- MANENT FIXTURE?
WHAT IF MY AUNT HAD BALLS?
SHE'D BE MY UNCLE.
NOW IT'S TOO LATE. IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
AND THERE'S NOT A GODDAMN THING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
SHOTGUN.
CAN'T WE LEAVE THAT FOR MAGDELENA?
THAT IS WHY WE PAY HER.
YOU KNOW ME. I CAN'T SLEEP
UNTIL EVERY- THING'S PUT AWAY.
YOU'RE SO ANAL.
LUCKY FOR YOU. HMM.
HEY!
WHOA! MMM, AHH!
CAREFUL, CAREFUL, CAREFUL!
GEEZ, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE I THANKED YOU PROPERLY
FOR SHOWING ME THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE.
WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE I THANKED YOU EITHER...
FOR LETTING ME SHOW YOU.
COULD YOU BELIEVE TED SNORING?
I THOUGHT HE WAS BUILDING A LOG CABIN.
THOSE GUYS HAVE NO IDEA
THAT THERE IS A WORLD OUTSIDE OF LIBERTY AVENUE.
WELL, YOU DIDN'T EITHER UNTIL LAST WEEK.
THIS CAB IS GREAT.
I'M GOING TO ORDER A CASE OF THIS
AND SERVE IT FOR SENATOR BAXTER.
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD'VE INVITED THEM?
WHO?
MY MOM AND UNCLE VIC, AND THE GUYS.
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO.
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO.
I SAID IT'D BE FINE, AS LONG AS
BRIAN BEHAVES HIMSELF.
OH, YOU KNOW, POLITICAL FUND-RAISERS,
[ Stammering ] I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S THEIR THING.
SENATOR BAXTER'S VERY SUPPORTIVE OF GAY ISSUES.
I WOULD THINK THAT'S EVERY- BODY'S THING.
YEAH, BUT I DON'T... I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IF THEY'D BE COMFORTABLE
AROUND OUR OTHER FRIENDS,
AND A, A STATE SENATOR.
THEN YOU MADE THE GHT DECISION.
EVERY CLUB IS ALLOWED TO MEET, EXCEPT OURS.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD, DAPH.
NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT A GAY-STRAIGHT ALLIANCE.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE CAME.
WHAT, EIGHT? AND TWO LEFT. I COUNTED.
BESIDES, THEY ONLY CAME 'CAUSE WE HANDED OUT CONDOMS.
[ Coughing ]
CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW HE WAS CARRYING ON?
"SUR LA SEINE."
I NEARLY CHOKED ON MY PATE.
HE'S JUST DAZZLED.
GIVE HIM A COUPLE OF DAYS BACK AT LE GRAND Q MART,
HE'LL COME DOWN TO EARTH.
I DON'T KNOW.
EVER SINCE HE'S BEEN WITH DAVID,
IT'S LIKE HE'S GOT THIS WHOLE NEW LIFE.
PLEASE, HE WAS LIKE, MY ROOMMATE FOR TWO YEARS.
NOW I NEVER EVEN SEE HIM.
WE HAVE TO BEG HIM TO COME OUT TO THE BARS.
HE WON'T FUCKING RETURN MY CALLS.
OH, MY GOD! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?
OHH...
WHO WOULD DRIVE A GOLD MIATA?
Brian: WITH THE TOP DOWN?
IN WINTER?
[ Laughing ]
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
OH, THIS IS YOURS?
DAVID GOT IT FOR ME.
HE-HE BOUGHT YOU A FUCKING CAR?
CHECK OUT THE PLATES.
Brian: CAPTAIN ASTRO.
THAT'S CUTE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE COLOUR? I WAS WORRIED
THAT THE GOLD MIGHT BE A TAD SHOWY.
OH, YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT.
AH.
YOU KNOW, I CALLED YOU THIS MORNING.
BUT, UH, YOU DIDN'T CALL ME BACK.
WELL, I'VE BEEN REALLY BUSY...
WANNA GO TO THE GYM WITH US?
I CAN'T, I'M MEETING DAVID AT OUR SPORTS CLUB.
WELL, WHAT'RE YOU DOING TONIGHT?
HOW ABOUT COMING OUT TO WOODY'S WITH US?
[ Sighing ] SORRY, NO CAN DO.
WE HAVE RESERVATIONS AT PAPPAGANO
WITH BOBO AND MELISANDE.
Emmett & Ted: [ Chuckle ]
BOBO AND MELISANDE?
SOUNDS LIKE A COUPLE OF DRAG QUEENS.
UM, BOBO IS A BROKER. WE HAVE OUR INVEST- MENTS WITH HIM.
[ Ringing of cell phone ]
"OUR".
[ Ringing of cell phone ]
HI, HONEY.
IT'S... DAVID. DAVID. YEAH.
YEAH, DON'T WORRY. I-I JUST PICKED THEM UP.
AND I ALREADY SPOKE TO THE CATERER.
HAVING A PARTY?
IT'S JUST... IT'S JUST A COUPLE OF DAVID'S FRIENDS,
FOR DINNER.
WELL, UM, I... I BETTER GET GOING.
Michael: SEE YOU!
TA-TA. BYE-BYE.
CIAO!
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S LIKE A MOVIE.
A HORROR MOVIE.
GUILLAUME STILL HAS TO FIT IT FOR ME.
HE'S GREAT WITH A NEEDLE AND THREAD.
IS THERE ANYTHING HE CAN'T DO?
CHARM MY FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW, I-I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS TRYING.
OH, WELL IF IT ISN'T COCO CHANEL.
COMPANY. AREN'T WE LUCKY.
Lindsay: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL...
IT'S GOING TO TAKE A LOT OF WORK, BUT...
YOU WILL BE A VISION BY THE TIME I'M THROUGH.
Lindsay: THANKS, GUI.
I'LL GET HIM. Guillaume: THERE'S GUS.
OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT. HE'S USED TO ME.
SO WHAT IS THE GROOM GOING TO BE WEARING?
A VERY CONSERVATIVE, VERY TRADITIONAL BLACK TUX.
WE CAN'T TAKE ANY CHANCES, IT HAS TO LOOK REAL.
THIS IS A FUCKING FARCE.
HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOSE YOUR TEMPER.
WHY NOT? YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND.
WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE MYSELF IN ONE OF THESE.
ALTHOUGH NOW AND THEN, I MUST ADMIT
I OFTEN DREAMED OF BEING A BRIDE.
IT'S TRUE.
I SUPPOSE EVEN DYKES CAN'T ESCAPE THAT FANTASY.
[ Sighing ] ONLY YOU'RE MARRYING THE WRONG PERSON.
YOU NEVER ASKED ME.
I MEAN MELANIE.
YEAH, LAST TIME I CHECKED, WE LIVED IN PITTSBURGH
AND NOT VERMONT.
AND ANYWAY, IT'S TOO LATE.
MEL AND I ARE FINISHED.
SHE DOESN'T THINK SO.
IN FACT, ALL SHE THINKS ABOUT IS YOU.
SHE BLAMES HERSELF, FOR EVERYTHING.
WELL, SHE'S WRONG.
BECAUSE IT'S ME.
'CAUSE I PUSHED HER AWAY.
WHY WOULD YOU PUSH AWAY SOME- ONE YOU LOVE?
[ Opening of door ]
SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG.
HE WAS BEING... VERY FUSSY.
ALORS, SHALL WE START ON THE GOWN?
Guillaume: OKAY, I JUST WANT TO PIN... HERE.
EVERYTHING WAS DESTROYED.
MY DRAWINGS, MY BOOKS.
YOU KNOW WHO DID IT? I CAN GUESS.
CHRIS HOBBS.
I SAY WE GO AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.
HEY, WE'RE TRYING TO BE CONSTRUCTIVE HERE.
I THOUGHT I WAS.
DID YOU TELL THE PRINCIPAL?
HE DOESN'T CARE.
IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THIS GROUP.
WHAT GROUP?
JUSTIN AND DAPHNE
STARTED THE GAY-STRAIGHT STUDENT ALLIANCE.
YEAH, BUT THEY SHUT US DOWN.
SAID WE DIDN'T GO THROUGH THE PROPER CHANNELS.
EVEN IF YOU HAD, IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE MADE ANY DIFFERENCE.
DO YOU HAVE TO PISS ON THE KID'S IDEALISM?
HE MIGHT AS WELL KNOW THE TRUTH.
WE JUST WANTED A PLACE TO TALK.
WE COULDN'T EVEN HAVE THAT.
WELL, CONSIDERING WHAT'S HAPPENED,
MAYBE IT'S BEST THAT YOU DON'T...
DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF.
YOU WANT ME TO HIDE?
I WANT YOU TO BE SAFE.
SO I SHOULD JUST GIVE IN.
LET THEM INTIMIDATE ME MY ENTIRE LIFE.
YOU STICK UP FOR YOURSELF, SUNSHINE.
AND YOU STAND BESIDE HIM.
DEBBIE, WOULD YOU PLEASE STAY OUT OF THIS?
I FORGOT.
HE JUST EATS, SLEEPS AND JERKS OFF HERE.
I'LL KEEP MY BIG MOUTH SHUT.
MOM, THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME,
OR EVEN WHAT HAPPENED AT SCHOOL.
THIS IS ABOUT SPEAKING OUT.
DEMANDING TO BE HEARD,
WHETHER PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR YOU OR NOT.
WHERE'D YOU LEARN ALL THAT?
IT'S WHAT YOU AND DAD TAUGHT ME.
WE DID?
WELL, HE SURE AS HELL DIDN'T LEARN IT
AT THE ST. JAMES ACADEMY.
SO, HOW WAS DINNER WITH, UH...
BOBO AND...
MELISAND? MELISANDE.
MELISANDE'S A HOOT. AND BOBO'S LIKE, THE SMARTEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET.
YOU... YOU'D LOVE THEM.
UH-HUH.
UM, COULD YOU NOT LEAN ON THAT?
I JUST GOT DONE POLISHING IT.
SORRY.
SO WHY HAVEN'T YOU INTRODUCED ANY OF YOUR...
NEW BEST FRIENDS TO ANY OF YOUR OLD BEST FRIENDS?
WELL, WHO'S HAD THE TIME?
YOU KNOW, WE JUST GOT BACK FROM PARIS.
YOU WENT TO PARIS?
GOD, I HADN'T HEARD.
FUCK OFF.
YEAH, MAYBE YOU'D LIKE THAT.
WHAT?
NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT THIS FABULOUS NEW LIFE...
THAT'S BULLSHIT.
IS IT?
YOU MISSED A SPOT.
HOW LONG HAVE I KNOWN YOU?
LIKE, FOREVER?
I DON'T THINK IT'S BULLSHIT.
COULD YOU MOVE, PLEASE?
THE TRIP AND THE CLOTHES AND THE CAR.
THEY'RE BORING.
YOU'RE BORING.
BORING? WELL, I HAPPEN TO THINK
I'VE BECOME A VERY INTER- ESTING PERSON.
YOU'VE BECOME A FUCKING LITTLE SNOT.
WHY? 'CAUSE I FINALLY HAVE A LIFE?
WHOSE LIFE? YOURS?...
OR HIS?
[ Scoffing ]
JUSTIN TELLS ME THAT OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS
HE'S BEEN PHYSICALLY ATTACKED,
HARASSED, CALLED NAMES,
AND NOTHING HAS BEEN DONE TO STOP IT.
WELL, MRS. TAYLOR, I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT HAD I KNOWN ABOUT IT,
I WOULD NEVER HAVE TOLERATED SUCH BEHAVIOUR.
WELL, HE ALSO SAID THAT HE TRIED TO START A CLUB
FOR GAY AND STRAIGHT STUDENTS,
AND YOU REFUSED TO ALLOW THEM TO MEET.
AS ONE OF THE TEACHERS ALREADY EXPLAINED TO JUSTIN,
HE... HE DIDN'T GO THROUGH THE PROPER CHANNELS.
AND WHAT ARE THE PROPER CHANNELS?
WELL, FIRST HE WOULD HAVE TO GET APPROVAL
FROM THE SCHOOL BOARD, OF WHICH I AM THE HEAD.
AND THEN HE WOULD HAVE TO SEEK APPROVAL FOR A MEETING ROOM,
FIND A FACULTY ADVISOR,
NONE OF WHICH JUSTIN BOTHERED TO DO.
WELL, I'M SURE HE WOULD'VE BOTHERED,
HAD HE KNOWN.
SO... WHERE ARE THE FORMS? WE CAN FILL THEM OUT RIGHT NOW.
MRS. TAYLOR, AS YOU KNOW, ST. JAMES IS A PRIVATE ACADEMY.
WE ARE NOT REQUIRED TO MAKE ALLOWANCES
FOR EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
THAT'S WHY PARENTS SEND THEIR CHILDREN TO THIS SCHOOL,
FOR THE SPECIAL ENVIRONMENT.
AND FOR THE SUPERIOR EDUCATION,
WHICH JUSTIN IS GETTING,
WHEN HE PUTS HIS MIND TO IT.
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH HAVING A GAY-STRAIGHT ALLIANCE?
ALL RIGHT, SUPPOSE I GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO ORGANIZE YOUR CLUB.
AND THEN ANOTHER STUDENT CAME TO ME
AND ASKED TO START A CLUB FOR, SAY,
WHITE SUPREMACISTS.
SHOULD I ALLOW THAT TOO?
EXCUSE ME, DR. PERKINS,
BUT I HAPPEN TO FIND THAT ANALOGY EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE.
SOME OF OUR PARENTS WOULD BE HARD-PRESSED TO SEE THE DISTINCTION.
WELL, I'M HARD-PRESSED TO SEE THE SIMILARITY.
NOT EVERYONE IS AS ACCEPTING OF YOUR SON'S SEXUAL PREFERENCE AS YOU ARE.
IT'S NOT A PREFERENCE.
I WAS THAT WAY AT FIRST TOO.
WHICH IS WHY IT'S IM- PORTANT THAT THEY LEARN.
MRS. TAYLOR, THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT LESSONS TO BE TAUGHT HERE.
THAN TOLERANCE?
ANYONE SEEN A CERTAIN HOT LITTLE ITEM
IN OUR LOCAL GAY RAG?
IS MY AD STILL RUNNING?
"IF YOU'VE GOT IT, I'LL SIT ON IT"?
IS THAT YOU? NO.
I MEAN... THIS.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER OPENED THIS PAPER
FROM THE FRONT.
"...FUNDRAISER FOR STATE SENATOR DIANE BAXTER
WILL BE HELD AT THE HOME OF DR. DAVID CAMERON
AND MR. MICHAEL NOVOTNY."
Debbie: WHAT?
LET ME SEE THAT.
HEY, CAN WE HAVE OUR FOOD?
EAT THE BREAD.
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY BABY'S IN HIGH SOCIETY.
OH, AND HERE'S THE HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTESS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS?
ENTERTAINING A SENATOR!
Brian: GOD, YOU'RE A SOCIETY LADY NOW, MIKEY.
I HOPE YOU DON'T SHOW HER THOSE SLIDES FROM PARIS.
THAT'S JUST A LITTLE THING THAT DAVID'S THROWING.
I THINK HE GAVE THE SENATOR AN ADJUSTMENT ONCE, OR SOMETHING.
COULD WE PLEASE HAVE OUR FOOD?
IT'S SALAD, HON'. IT'S NOT GOING TO GET COLD.
[ Chuckle ]
OH, SHIT!
WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO MEET A SENATOR?
OH, I THINK I'M GOING TO WEAR MY, UM,
MY ORANGE SUIT, AND MY NEW LIME GREEN TIE.
OH, UNDERSTATED, YEAH. THAT'S DEFI- NITELY THE WAY TO GO.
HOW ABOUT YOU, BRIAN?
A LITTLE ARMANI? ZEGNA? PRADA?
NADA.
I WASN'T INVITED.
OF COURSE YOU'RE INVITED. WE'RE ALL INVITED.
RIGHT, HONEY? WELL, IT'S GOING TO BE REALLY STUFFY.
YOU KNOW, NO FUN AT ALL.
AND YOU HAVE TO MAKE A CON- TRIBUTION...
Debbie: SO? I MEAN, HOW OFTEN DO YOU GET TO MEET A SENATOR?
WELL, YOU HAVE TO WORK.
I'LL TAKE IT OFF.
LOOK, THIS JUST ISN'T YOUR THING, OKAY?
SO JUST DROP IT.
NOW CAN I PLEASE GET THE TURKEY MEATLOAF TO GO?
OKAY, SWEETIE.
UH, JUST LET ME SERVE THIS MAN HIS DINNER.
I GOTTA GO TO THE WASHROOM.
SAY, TED, AS MY ACCOUNTANT,
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT INCREASING MY POLITICAL CONTRIBUTIONS?
[ Party chatter ]
AND I DO HAVE TO THANK YOU AGAIN, DAVID,
FOR OPENING UP YOUR BEAUTIFUL HOME TO US.
WELL, THANK YOU, SENATOR,
FOR YOUR ONGOING COMMITMENT TO PRO- GAY LEGISLATION.
OH, BELIEVE ME, IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT,
AND I INTEND TO,
YOU AND MICHAEL WILL BE CELEBRATING
YOUR WEDDING RECEPTION RIGHT HERE.
LET'S DRINK TO THAT. MMM!
All: [ Chuckling ]
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I SHOULD, UM...
DO WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO AT THESE AFFAIRS,
AND DRUM UP SOME DONATIONS.
GOOD LUCK. THANK YOU. THANKS.
THE LAST PARTY I WAS AT, WE WATCHED
"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER"
AND ATE BEER AND NACHOS.
NOW YOU'RE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE
EATING CAVIAR TARTS
AND ENTERTAINING A SENATOR.
Emmett: I HOPE WE'RE NOT TOO LATE.
I'D HATE TO MISS THE CRUDITIES.
OH, SHIT.
JESUS. THIS LOOKS LIKE A WAKE.
WHO DIED?
HEY, NOVOTNY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, WE WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED YOUR PARTY
FOR THE WORLD, SWEETHEART.
Ted: YEAH, WE FIGURE OUR INVITATION GOT LOST IN THE MAIL.
DAMN THAT POSTAL SERVICE.
I'M GOING TO WRITE MY SENATOR.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO. SHE'S HERE.
THIS IS A PRIVATE BENEFIT.
YOU CAN'T JUST BREAK IN.
Vic: "BREAK IN"?
WE'RE FAMILY, NOT BANDITS.
HERE'S A LITTLE CHEQUE, DOC.
I THINK IT SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO COVER ALL OF US.
NICE TIE, MIKEY.
'SCUSE ME.
Waiter: CARE TO TRY A TART?
COCKTAIL? OR TWO OR THREE.
I'M SO SORRY, DAVID.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THEY WOULD SHOW UP UNINVITED.
I DON'T THINK SENATOR BAXTER IS GOING TO MIND
WHEN SHE SEES THE SIZE OF THAT CONTRIBUTION.
THIS MUSIC SUCKS DICK.
I BELIEVE IT'S JAZZ FUSION.
YEAH, IN PHYSICS A FUSION IS SUPPOSED TO CAUSE A BLAST.
LIKE...
THIS!
[ Disco ♪♪♪ ]
YOU WANT TO DANCE?
I DON'T DANCE.
YOU DO NOW.
Senator Baxter: THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT.
SENATOR BAXTER?
YES, I AM.
OH, I SAW YOU IN "OUT".
I'M DEBBIE NOVOTNY.
HELLO.
AND THIS IS MY BROTHER VIC.
HOW DO YOU DO? HELLO.
I'M MICHAEL'S MOTHER.
OH.
YOU KNOW, OUR HOST.
YES, AND A VERY CHARMING YOUNG MAN HE IS.
WE USED TO THINK SO.
OH MY GOD, THEY'VE CORNERED THE SENATOR.
WE HAVE TO SAVE HER.
SHE'S A POLITICIAN, MICHAEL.
SHE CAN TALK HER WAY OUT OF ANYTHING.
HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?
CARE TO DANCE?
HUH... I'M NOT INTO LEATHER.
HEY, YOU KNOW, NEITHER WAS I.
THEN I RAN INTO THIS OLD SCHOOL FRIEND
WHO SHACKLED ME IN HIS DUNGEON
AND MADE ME HIS SUCK-PIG.
Emmett: BLACK AND BLUE, IT'S...
IT'S FINE FOR BRUISES, BOYS,
BUT WHEN YOU COME TO A PARTY, YOU NEED A LITTLE COLOUR.
HA, NOW, YOU... OH MY LORD, W-WHO DRESSED YOU, HONEY?
MORTICIA ADDAMS? HUH.
HERE, TURN AROUND. [ Clearing of throat ]
SEE, NOW YOU HAVE
A FABULOUS BUBBLE-BUTT.
BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO DO YOU ANY GOOD
IF YOU DON'T SHOW IT OFF.
YOU TOO. JACKETS OFF, LET'S SEE THOSE BODS.
COME ON.
COME ON, CHOP, CHOP.
THIS LADY IS A TRAMP,
AND TONIGHT JACK'S NOT THE ONLY ONE GETTING LUCKY.
Gus: [ Fussing ] COME ON.
OH, MAN. ALL RIGHT.
OOH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL CALL MOMMY.
[ Ringing of phone ]
HELLO?
HI, IT'S ME.
I KNOW IT'S LATE.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
Lindsay: [ On Phone ] It's Gus. He's in one of his moods.
OH.
I REMEMBER HIS MOODS.
LOOK, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE MAGIC TOUCH.
WOULD YOU MIND?
OVER THE PHONE?
I'm desperate. I'll try anything.
[ Whispering ] HERE YOU GO. [ Fussing ]
[ Clearing of throat ]
[ Sighing ]
♪ THE MOMENT I WAKE UP ♪
♪ BEFORE I PUT ON MY MAKEUP ♪
♪ I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU ♪
♪ I'm brushing my hair now ♪
♪ and wondering what dress to wear now ♪
♪ I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU ♪
♪ FOREVER, FOREVER ♪
♪ YOU'LL STAY IN MY HEART ♪
♪ AND I WILL LOVE YOU ♪
♪ FOREVER... AND EVER ♪
♪ WE NEVER WILL PART ♪ [ Breaking of voice ]
[ Clearing of throat ]
Melanie: Did that work?
LIKE A CHARM.
HE'S STILL THE ONLY ONE WHO APPRECIATES YOUR SINGING.
WHAT? I HAVE A LOVELY VOICE.
YOU CAN BARELY CARRY A TUNE.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
Yeah, it is.
YEAH, IT IS.
LISTEN, THANKS FOR HELPING. [ Cooing ]
'NIGHT, MEL.
[ Whispering ] 'NIGHT. [ Cooing ]
[ Kissing ]
[ ♪♪♪ ]
[ Gasp of horror ]
[ Panting with outrage ]
[ ♪♪♪ ]
BRIAN.
DON'T WORRY, I'M JUST GIVING HIM A TOUR
OF YOUR... LOVELY HOME.
Michael: DAVID, I'M SO SORRY.
David: WHY?
I DON'T HEAR ANYONE COMPLAINING.
Debbie: I SAY KICK THOSE REPUBLICANS RIGHT IN THE BALLS.
ONLY THEY HAVEN'T GOT ANY.
Both: [ Laughing ]
OH MY GOD!
MA, COULD YOU, UM, STOP MONOPOLIZING THE SENATOR?
I'M SORRY, DIANE... "DIANE"?
MICHAEL, YOUR MOTHER IS A REMARKABLE WOMAN.
YOU KNOW, DAVID, I ATTEND A LOT OF FUNDRAISERS.
AND I MEAN, EVERYBODY MEANS WELL,
BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, THEY'RE USUALLY VERY BORING THINGS.
NOT THIS ONE, I'M HAVING A BALL.
MA, UM, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
SURE, SWEETIE.
'SCUSE ME, DIANE. MM-HMM.
HEY, SUNSHINE, COME HERE.
TELL DIANE ABOUT THE CLUB YOU STARTED.
THIS IS ONE GODDAMN BRAVE KID.
I LOVE HIM. TALK TO HER. [ Chuckle ]
HOW DO YOU DO?
CARRY THAT A LITTLE HIGHER.
THERE YOU GO, SWEETIE, THAT'S IT.
PROFESSIONAL COURTESY. [ Chuckling ]
HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME?
AND TO DAVID.
DO WHAT? I WAS JUST TALKING TO DIANE.
DO YOU KNOW THAT SHE WORKED AS A WAITRESS?
TO TAKE CARE OF HER FAMILY.
SHE WAS JUST BEING POLITE.
POLITE?
DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK SHE WANTED TO SPEND
HER ENTIRE EVENING TALKING TO YOU?
WELL, IT'S NOT AS IF I NAILED HER TO THE FLOOR.
I THINK YOU SHOULD ALL LEAVE.
THIS PARTY WAS A STINKER WHEN WE GOT HERE.
YOU SHOULD BE THANKING US.
FOR EMBARRASSING THE HELL OUT OF ME?
YOU KNOW, I KNOW I'M HARD TO TAKE.
SOMETIMES.
HMM? MY JOKES, AND MY APPEARANCE,
AND MY ENTHUSIASM.
AND I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES YOU'RE ASHAMED OF ME.
AND THAT'S OKAY. I'M YOUR MOTHER,
AND IT'S PART OF THE DEAL.
BUT, MICHAEL...
I NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME
THAT I WOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOU.
[ ♪♪♪ ]
Guillaume: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY WHITE PEACHES?
OH, PITTSBURGH.
[ Humming ]
HE EVEN DOES THE SHOPPING.
AH, LOOK WHO'S HERE GUS, YOUR SPERM DONOR.
AND YOU THOUGHT HE HAD A JOB.
IT'S CALLED "LUNCH BREAK". MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULDN'T PUT THINGS IN YOUR MOUTH THAT AREN'T WASHED.
YOU FRENCH, SO HYGIENIC.
I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES.
AS YOU WISH. OF COURSE,
YOU'RE USED TO LIVING AT RISK.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE TAKING QUITE A RISK YOURSELF.
IN FACT, IF SOME- ONE WANTED TO,
THEY COULD REPORT YOU.
YES... IT WOULD BE TROUBLE FOR ME.
I COULD BE SENT BACK TO FRANCE.
BUT IT'D BE FAR WORSE FOR LINDSAY.
SHE COULD BE SENT TO JAIL,
WHICH IS NOT EXACTLY THE COTE D'AZUR.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T DO THAT.
OH, I TRIED STOPPING HER, BELIEVE ME.
BUT SHE WON'T HEAR OF IT. YOU KNOW WHAT A BIG HEART SHE HAS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL, IS IT FOR DINNER OR FOR YOU?
AH, HA-HA.
COME HERE, SONNY-BOY. AH, NO-NO-NO.
I HAVE TO GET HOME TO START MY RATATOUILLE.
FUCK YOUR RATATOUILLE. GIVE ME MY KID,
OR I'LL SHOVE THAT ZUCCHINI UP YOUR ASS.
OKAY, OKAY.
Gus: [ Fussing ]
HEY, WHAT IS IT?
JUST FOR A MINUTE, HEIN? [ Inaudible whisper ]
[ Whispering ] I KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT. HE SMELLS.
WELL, I WISH I HAD A PICTURE TO CAPTURE THIS RARE MOMENT.
DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?
YOU KNOW, ONCE LINDSAY AND I ARE MARRIED,
WE'LL NEED YOU TO KEEP YOUR DISTANCE.
WHY IS THAT?
WELL, WE'VE GOT TO THINK ABOUT APPEARANCES.
I'M EVEN THINKING OF ADOPTING GUS.
THAT WAY EVERY- THING WOULD BE NICE AND LEGAL.
ALORS! TU VIENS ICI, MON PETIT.
TU VIENS ICI, MON PETIT.
[ Groaning ]
HEIN?
Crowd: [ Chanting ] HEY-HEY, HO-HO,
HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO.
HEY-HEY, HO-HO, HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO.
HEY-HEY, HO-HO!
HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO.
HEY-HEY, HO-HO!
HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
WE'RE PROTESTING ST. JAMES ACADEMY'S
BIGOTED POLICY ON STUDENT CLUBS.
TAYLOR, I HAVE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS.
IT'S CALLED FREEDOM OF ASSEMBLY, PAL.
THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY.
AND YOU'RE ALL TRESPASSING.
I'M CALLING THE POLICE.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO STICK AROUND FOR THIS.
Senator Baxter: JUSTIN TAYLOR TRIED TO ORGANIZE A CLUB
TO PROMOTE TOLERANCE AND UNDERSTANDING
BETWEEN GAY AND STRAIGHT STUDENTS.
HIS ATTEMPT WAS DENIED ON THE BASIS
THAT ST. JAMES ACADEMY IS A PRIVATE INSTITUTION
AND ISN'T REQUIRED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE VOICES OF ALL ITS STUDENTS.
WELL, IF PRIVATE SCHOOLS EXPECT TO RECEIVE PUBLIC DOLLARS,
THEN WE CAN EXPECT THEM TO UPHOLD THE SAME VALUES
OF FREEDOM AND CIVIL RIGHTS
ON WHICH THIS COUNTRY IS BASED.
GIVE 'EM HELL, DI.
[ Clapping ]
I LOVE THAT PICTURE.
[ Dropping of frame ]
YEAH.
DADA AND SONNY-BOY.
AHH, ALL RIGHT, SO I'M A SHITTY FATHER.
ARE WE SURPRISED?
I'M UPHOLDING A FINE FAMILY TRADITION.
YOU'RE NOT A SHITTY FATHER.
YOU LOVE GUS.
[ Clearing of throat ]
DIDN'T THINK I WOULD. IT'S STRANGE.
KNOWING THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE YOU CARE ABOUT BESIDES YOURSELF?
[ Sighing ] GIMME SOME.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU SMOKE AT YOUR AGE.
"AT MY AGE?"
[ Clearing of throat ]
BRIAN, I'M THE MOST MATURE PERSON YOU KNOW.
[ Groan ]
THINK GUS IS GOING TO SPEAK FRENCH BEFORE HE SPEAKS ENGLISH?
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO BED?
WELL, LINDSAY CAN'T RAISE HIM ON HER OWN.
AND AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE HIM,
YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE A FULL-TIME PARENT.
YOU KNOW, IF I WANTED THE NEWS, I'D WATCH CNN.
YOU CAN'T CONTROL EVERYONE'S LIFE,
EVEN THOUGH YOU'D LIKE TO.
HMPH. OBVIOUSLY.
YOU'RE STILL HERE.
[ Groan ]
BEING MEAN TO ME HAS NEVER REALLY WORKED.
YOU SHOULD TRY ANOTHER TACTIC.
HMMM.
WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
I'M KILLING YOU WITH KINDNESS.
IT'S PROVEN TO BE A HIGHLY EF- FECTIVE TECHNIQUE
FOR ACHIEVING... ONE'S GOALS.
DO YOU HAVE HIS TOYS? THEY'RE IN THE BAG.
WHERE ARE MY KEYS?
PLEASE, PLEASE HURRY UP.
THE APPOINTMENT'S IN 20 MINUTES.
I KNOW WHEN THE APPOINTMENT IS.
OH, GOD, HERE THEY ARE.
OH, MERDE.
IT'S ALL WE NEED. OKAY, Y-YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF THEM.
ALL RIGHT, MOVE, MOVE. D'ACCORD.
I... LOOK, WE'RE IN A HURRY.
I-I SWEAR I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS BRINGING ME OVER HERE.
Lindsay: WE HAVE TO LEAVE.
Melanie: HE SAID YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT.
AN ACCIDENT? IT WAS THE ONLY WAY.
Guillaume: MAY WE SAVE THIS FOR SOME OTHER TIME?
WE'RE LATE. ARE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE, PIERRE?
TO GET OUR MARRIAGE LICENSE.
SO, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US...
WELL, THIS WILL JUST TAKE A MINUTE.
NON, NON. WE REALLY MUST...
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.
EXCUSE ME? SIT DOWN.
Lindsay: ALL RIGHT.
[ Sigh of frustration ]
WHAT IS IT?
OKAY, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE SHIT
ABOUT "THIS IS MY FAULT." "NO, THIS IS MY FAULT."
"I'M TO BLAME." "NO, I'M TO BLAME.
"I'M SORRY." "NO, I'M SORRY."
BUT IT REALLY IS MY FAULT.
NO, MEL, IT WAS MY FAULT.
ALL ALONG IT WAS... NO, NO, NO.
Melanie: IT WAS MY FAULT, TRUST ME.
I WORKED THIS ALL OUT IN THERAPY.
AND SO DID I...
I SAID SHUT UP.
AND FUCK THERAPY.
THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S MY PARENTAL RIGHTS.
I'VE SIGNED THEM OVER TO YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
BRIAN...
ARE YOU SURE?
WOULD I BE DOING THIS IF I WASN'T?
BUT WHY?
WELL, MY SON DESERVES TWO PARENTS WHO'LL BE THERE FOR HIM
AND LOVE HIM.
AND WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.
SO THE ONLY WAY THIS DEAL WORKS
IS IF THE TWO OF YOU GET BACK TOGETHER.
WELL, WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF A BRIBE?
YOU COULD LOOK AT IT THAT WAY.
OR YOU CAN THINK OF IT AS A VERY GENEROUS GIFT.
BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT IT...
DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?
I NEVER STOPPED.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
[ Whispering ] YEAH.
OKAY, LIGHTNING ROUND'S OVER.
DO I HEAR AN ANSWER?
YES. YES!
I LOVE YOU.
GOD, YOU'RE DYKES FOR CHRISSAKE.
TOUGHEN UP.
Lindsay: I LOVE YOU.
Melanie: I LOVE YOU.
AND WHAT ABOUT ME?
OH, GUI...
I'M SORRY.
SAY AU REVOIR, GUS.
Senator Baxter: OH, DEBBIE,
THIS IS FABULOUS!
OH, GOOD.
OH, ROMANO! UH, SUNSHINE,
HONEY, GET US SOME ROMANO,
WOULD YOU, BABY?
I'M... I'M AFRAID IT'S NOT AS FANCY AS THOSE LITTLE
CAVIAR THINGS MY SON WAS SERVING...
WELL, MAN, AND SENATORS,
CANNOT LIVE ON LITTLE CAVIAR THINGS ALONE.
OH, THANKS.
IT'S TOO BAD, UM,
MICHAEL COULDN'T JOIN US.
THANKS, HONEY. Vic: WELL, THESE DAYS,
COMING OVER TO HIS MOTHER'S
FOR PASTA AND VINO ISN'T HIS STYLE.
I'M SURE HE HAD OTHER PLANS.
YEAH, LIKE DINNER WITH BOBO.
AND MELISANDE.
WELL, FUCK HIM.
OH, SORRY, SENATOR.
OH, IT'S OKAY.
I'VE USED THAT WORD MYSELF,
USUALLY FOLLOWED BY BUSH.
[ Laughing ]
I'LL DRINK TO THAT.
Emmett: OH, HELL, LET'S ALL DRINK TO THAT.
Senator Baxter: LET ME MAKE A TOAST, PLEASE.
FIRST OF ALL, TO OUR WONDERFUL HOSTESS.
DEBBIE. THANK YOU.
All: DEBBIE! DEB! TO DEB.
HERE'S TO YOU, SIS.
Senator Baxter: AND TO LITTLE VICTORIES.
AT LEAST, UH, DR. PERKINS HAS AGREED
TO TAKE YOUR REQUEST TO THE SCHOOL BOARD.
THANKS, SENATOR BAXTER.
HEY.
HAVE A SEAT.
I CAN'T... I CAN'T STAY.
Vic: YOU CAN'T?
OR YOU DON'T WANT TO?
[ Sighing ]
YOU EATEN?
NO.
SO PULL UP A CHAIR.
SUNSHINE?
WILL YOU GET MICHAEL SOME PUTENESCA, HONEY?
YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE.
SORRY, DI.
OH, IT'S OKAY.
I'VE USED THAT ONE TOO.
Ted: SIT DOWN HERE.
Emmett: IT'S A GOLD COUCH!
Emmett: JUST LIKE YOUR GOLD MIATA.
SO IT ALL WORKED OUT, HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
THANKS TO THE SENATOR.
YEAH, DON'T KID YOURSELF.
THAT WOMAN IS USING YOU,
FOR MONEY AND FOR VOTES.
SHE'LL MOVE ON TO HER NEXT CAUSE,
HER NEXT FUND-RAISER,
THEN WHERE WILL YOU BE?
SHE SAID IT'S A SMALL VICTORY.
WELL, DON'T THINK YOU'VE WON,
THAT IT'S OVER.
'CAUSE THE MINUTE YOU DO THAT,
YOU'RE DEAD.
NOT AS LONG AS I'VE GOT YOU TO PROTECT ME.
[ ♪♪♪ ]
CLOSED CAPTIONED BY COMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS.
MOO!