# Ahh-ahh
# Don't let them go Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream
# And let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
# Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. #
SIMON: England might be cold and grey
but you shouldn't overlook its attractions.
In the years I've been away,
I've worked my manicured fingers to the bone.
I'm the crown prince - well, queen - of international window dressing.
But I'm not expecting a red-carpet welcome in my home town.
Ah, the magnificently named Melody Crescent,
where yours truly first sashayed down the sidewalk.
Oh, OK, then - pranced along the pavement.
This sad-looking house was once floral and fabulous,
home to my best friend Kylie.
And this... yes, this is where I started out.
This was home.
DOORBELL CHIMES
Simon!
What are you doing back, lover?
Sacha's dumped me.
Oh, no. Oh, my poor baby.
SHE TUTS
Who's Sacha?
Don't you follow me on Twitter?
Oh, we did for a while
but your dad's bang into Stephen
Fry's quirky updates, tweet-wise.
Who are they?
I took in a couple of Poles, love.
Is it OK if I just go to my room and lick my wounds?
Is that a gay thing?
They'll need washing. Do you mind?
Mind? Course not. What are mums for?
Bless.
Paulenka? Ivona?
On, it's nice to have you back, lover.
Back in the bosom, so to speak.
'Bless.'
Oh, remember this?
How could I forget?
'You know, I wasn't always a glass-half-empty, gay 20-something
'with my hands in my pockets.
'I was a glass-half-full teen mincing machine
'with my hands well and truly in the air.
'Because whereas most 14-year-old boys in 1998
'were fancying girls and playing football,
'me and my best mate Kylie
'were fancying footballers and playing girls.'
Simon, your tea's ready!
So, how was everyone's day?
Simon?
Eugh. Well, you know Madame Bricolage?
New French teacher with the dodgy decolletage.
Cuts her own hair. Big fan of a clip-on earring.
Well, she turned up at school today in...
a '70s micro safari suit.
With matching mushroom accessories, if you please.
Oh, that is obscene. Do you mind? We're eating.
I feel sick. Bleugh. I'm this close to retching.
Oh, what does she think she's playing at? That is an outrage.
I thought teachers were meant to set an example.
What is the world coming to? That is political correctness gone mad.
Is it?
No, it probably isn't, is it?
Ashlene?
Well, you know you told me to be nice to that new boy?
Manners cost nothing, Ashlene.
I tongued him.
Round the back of the Mo Mowlam Annexe.
Oh, bless.
And he got serious wood.
You're all heart, Ashlene.
Got any homework, Simon?
Oh, yes, we have to do a project on genes.
Now, that is a brilliant subject.
I've got a gorgeous pair of Gloria Vanderbilts up in the loft.
I was never out of them in the '80s, was I, And?
Wouldn't take them off for no-one. Yeah. I remember.
They're Gloria Vanderbilts, Doctor.
Scrape or no scrape, these big boys ain't coming off for no-one.
HE TUTS
Not those sort of jeans.
He means genes. Like, family trees and shit.
Does your mum let you say "shit" at home?
Nah, but she talks a lot of it.
So, as of tonight, I'm going to be drawing up our family tree
and interviewing you all about our family history.
ALL: Ooh!
'Kylie's genealogy research was a rather brief affair.'
Me mam's name were Enid, me dad's name were Roy.
Your dad was Matt the Twat. And that's it.
That's your family.
Just get 'em off, batty bwoy.
'Whereas, once my family started, you couldn't shut them up.'
And he was married to Rita-Anne,
whose twin sister was Amy-May, or Amy-Will, as we called her.
She just had the 15 boys.
Um, Colin, Joseph, Brendan, Simeon,
Winston, Ashton-Under-Lyme, Georgie-Porgie...
Poor sod. Now, he really did kiss the girls and make them cry.
He turned out to be a serial rapist.
Now, your Aunty Aoife with the lazy eye
ran away to Paris to be a Bluebell,
which is where I think you get your love for the theatre from.
Now, her triplets - Faith, Hope and Chamois Leather -
had a trigamous marriage with Ernie O'Flaherty
who used to play the spoons outside the Superquinn on Slainche Street.
SITAR PLAYS
And as the cold winds of partition blew across the tundra,
Daddy ran towards the helicopter and I ran after him,
my bare feet burning on all the chilli peppers on the ground.
"Don't leave me, Daddy," I cried.
"I am but a poor and lonely blind girl.
"How will I cope in this newly divided land?"
Hang on, you once told me you were born in Bushey.
MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY
Oh! I was on a roll then.
Bushey by name, bushy by nature.
Anyway, Simon, although you call her your Aunty Hayley,
she's not your real aunty, so what's she doing in your family tree?
Oh, no, we're allowed extended family.
I must be about the only person in my class
with real, live, married parents.
That caused a few raised eyebrows in school, I can tell you.
THEY ALL LAUGH
Married parents?!
Freak. Weirdo.
This is a sink estate.
How can your parents possibly be - what was the word again? - married?
But they are!
Prove it!
So I said I'd take in a copy of your marriage certificate.
I don't think I've got it.
No, I think you, er, accidentally set fire to it, didn't you, Debs?
Oh!
# Burn, baby, burn... #
'There'd always been something not quite right
'about my mum and dad's wedding.'
So that's your mum and dad's wedding photo?
Yeah.
Isn't that Princess Di's wedding dress?
Yes, it is!
How come?
Well, she gave it me. Well, did she?
Yeah. Oh, she was lovely, Diana.
A real pal.
But when she died, you never once mentioned you'd met her.
Didn't I? You know you didn't.
Oh, I'm such a goofball.
In fact, whenever I do mention her,
you call her a dead, parasitical, airhead bitch.
Section me now!
That is a terrible thing to say
about our latter day Queen of Tarts...Hearts.
Where'd you meet her?
She's lying. I'm not lying.
Well, when I was much younger, I wanted to be a ballerina.
You're not the only one, girlfriend.
SMASH!
Simon! Simon!
HAYLEY: Stop dancing!
Anyway, our ballet mistress, Madame Edith,
said I was a bit too much of a bonny lass
to really make it "en pointe".
So I went and got that anorexia,
didn't I?
Cor, that's not a barrel of laughs.
That is not a barrel of laughs, is it, And?
He isn't here.
Did you really? You've never brought it up before.
Unlike ever meal I had from '79 through '83.
Anyway, when I got down to a very low weight,
I think I was just under a stone,
I started going to a support group,
and who should be there
but lovely Lady Princess Diana of Hearts Al-Fayed.
She took one look at me.
She said, "If you can get up to your target weight, Debbie,
"I will give you my old wedding dress."
Aren't they Princess Di's bridesmaids?
Well, that was her all over. Give, give, give.
Right, who wants a cup of tea?
# I love to love you, baby... #
KNOCK AT DOOR
Here, Debbie, you know this erotica stuff written for women by women?
It's actually quite good.
What do they call it again? Clitorati? Flick lit?
I wonder if I could read it with one hand.
Aunty Hayley...
It's the Peloponnesian Wars.
Did my mum used to have a weight problem?
A weight problem?
Only, she said she did.
Yeah, she was huge. She was the size of a house.
Dumbo Debbie, we used to call her.
In fact, she was a dead ringer for Giant Haystacks
when she married your dad.
MUSIC: Mendelssohn's Wedding March
AUNTY HAYLEY: When she said she wanted roses in her bouquet,
none of us realised she meant Cadbury's.
But see, that's the wonder of your dad.
He's attracted to inner beauty.
You are stunning!
Hurry up so we can get on with the meal.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God...
Faster, Pastor!
QUICKLY: ..to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony
which is an honourable estate...
SIMON: 'Over the years, my family had recounted
'the story of their big day many times,
'and their versions rarely tallied.
'For instance, my dad's...'
# Especially for you... #
FEEDBACK SQUEALS
# I wanna tell you I was feeling that way too... #
ANDY: 'When I married your mother, we were bang into Kylie and Jason,
'though our mic technique left a lot to be desired.'
SIMON: And don't even get me started on that mullet.
# No matter how far... #
'Then, of course, there was my mum's version.'
MUSIC: "Relax" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood
'It being the '80s, power dressing was in with a capital P.'
# Relax, don't do it when you want to...
No, OK, pull me, Precious Marie.
'But it's no laughing matter
'when you discover your meringue's too big for the house of God.'
# Relax, don't do it...
Andy!
# Relax, don't do it
# When you want to come. #
Hang on a sec.
You told me before that you were wearing Lady Diana's wedding dress.
Oh, yeah.
God, I always get so confused about it. Um...
It's almost like you never got married at all.
Anyway, shall we have a singsong?
# I'm a fire starter Twisted fire starter... #
Oh, my God.
Did you never get married?
Am I...a bastard?
SHE SOBS
No and yes.
I think the phrase is "gay bastard".
ANDY AND HAYLEY: Ashlene!
I'm...
a foundling.
# Where is love
# Does it fall from skies above
# Is it underneath the willow tree
# That I've been dreaming of... #
KNOCK AT DOOR
Cheer up, girlfriend. Being a bastard rocks.
SPRIGHTLY MUSIC STARTS
# Consider yourself at home... #
MUSIC STOPS
Piss off.
We always meant to get married, lover.
Just, life kept getting in the way. And we were so young.
The first time your dad stood me up.
Bastard!
No, you're the bastard. Sorry.
Yeah. I waited and waited.
Where was he?
Gone to an Enya gig the night before.
Got lagging drunk with some other freaks
who were into that stupid Irish bitch.
Slept in a gutter. Not that I hold a grudge.
My God, that's awful.
I know.
Dad's into Enya?!
No, Simon, it's awful he stood me up.
So, second time around I got my own back.
Forgot to go to the registry office.
Checked out a Kajagoogoo concert instead.
My God!
I thought you guys had good taste in music.
I wasn't in my right mind.
Anyway, then I fell pregnant with Ashlene
and time never really felt right and I changed my name.
I'm shocked. I'm sorry.
Enya?!
All right, Simon, don't kick the arse out of it.
You're really showing yourself up now.
MUSIC: "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo
CLOCK TICKS
You're doing that thing with your foot.
That thing you do when you're really upset.
I've only ever seen you do it three times in your life.
The day you came out of hospital
after having your appendix out.
Do you blame me? I only went in to go carol singing.
The night Eldorado finished. Polly Perkins was a God.
The Moldova massacre in Dynasty.
I thought Joan Collins might be brain damaged.
And now.
You know I hated lying to the kids.
I'm basically an honest person, lover.
Well, now they know the truth.
Still, Simon seems to have taken it quite well, really.
MUSIC: "First Cut Is The Deepest" by Cat Stevens
I'm self-harming cos I'm full of self-loathing.
There's blood a-pumpin'
and a-spillin' all over my Phoebe from Friends duvet set.
She's hilare.
Amazing how your blood's the exact same colour
as your mum's Hollywood Kiss lipliner.
I know. Isn't it to-die-for?
Cheer up, girlfriend.
One day we're gonna move to London and live where?
Amongst the beautiful people.
But the big question is, Kylie,
will they accept me when they find out I come from une maison cassee?
Une what?
Broken home.
HE SIGHS
If honesty is so important to you...
It is, lover.
Then maybe I should make an honest woman of you.
SHE GASPS
Debbie Doonan, would you do me the immense honour of...
Pulling my leg. I've got a cramp. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
You were gonna ask me a question.
I know! My feckin' leg! What were you gonna say?
Will you thingy? What?
Will you marry us? Marry YOU?
That's what I said. You said us.
Don't split hairs. Yes!
What? Yes, you feckin' eejit.
I'll marry you!
'This was the best news we'd had in ages.
'Now I had a wedding to plan.'
# We're starting together
# We're taking a chance on what we feel
# We're starting together
# Because we believe our love is real
# We'll promise to have and to hold
# From this day on until we're frail and old...
'Flowers, champagne and fairytale dresses are easy enough to sort out.
'But my mum's ongoing problem was her hair.
'The only hairdresser in Reading who didn't make her look tarty
'had recently died.
'Or she thought she'd died.'
Arggh!
Argggh!
THEY BOTH SCREAM
THUD!
Eh, I fan you with my People's Friend. Huh?
I am a people. This is my friend.
Tameka. Is dead.
I am her identical cousin, Johoyo.
'Tameka's hair salon, Reservoir Bobs,
'had brought a blast of colour to our dreary high street.
'Her passing left a gap in the market
for a comparably crazy crimper -
'her identical cousin.'
And this is Johoyo's Hair A Go-Go. Hey!
It is a hairdressing establishment of the highest reputation.
So-o... No. Johoyo.
So you're a hairdresser as well. As well as what?
A police lady? No.
I could never squeeze a truncheon in my clutch bag.
Same as your twin.
Johoyo says ho-ho-ho.
I am a brilliant hairdresser.
Far better than that dead bitch cousin of mine.
I cut hair off. I cut it up. I cut it out.
Cut it out!
All with the help of my cutty cutty boom-boom.
Scissors?
You say potato, I say potato.
So, you are going to be my first customer, huh?
Here. My first customer here.
Er...
Johoyo says go-go-go.
Now! Hey.
'If you think the cake looks crap,
'wait till you see my mum's hair.'
You not having a little drink, Ashlene?
I don't feel like it.
Oh, that's not like you.
I ain't an alkie.
Anyway, she's already taken six Es and a bag of crap.
Crack. Get it right, Simon.
Oh, are you excited about tomorrow, babes?
Yes. Can't wait to be second pageboy slash petal girl.
I was talking to Debbie. Oh.
I can't wait, Hayles. And I'm really loving my hen night.
Watching girlie movies, getting completely shit-faced.
'Scuse language.
Please can we watch something with Bette Midler in it? Please?
I've told you, we're watching Schindler's List, Sophie's Choice
and Judgment at Nuremberg.
Nazi, but nice.
Where are you going, Dad?
Now, a man's stag do should remain a secret, Ashlene.
Er, just to the Beaver. Sink a few jars with some of the lads.
Me mum's taking a lot of mates up the Beaver tonight.
Is she?
Oh, well. Maybe we'll find somewhere else, then.
She's going to see some band. Enyata? Enya tribute band.
Oh, bollocks. Really?
Andy, you can't seriously still be
thinking about going up the Beaver.
Why not? Why not? Why not?!
Turn the clock back 18 years,
you standing me up because of that talentless new-age nut job.
I'm a different man now. I can handle me drink.
A couple of bars of her mystical music,
you'll be back under her spell
again. Debbie, you're overreacting.
It's not even the same person.
I forbid you to walk out that door.
Yeah, but I'm meeting the lads.
Debbie. Get a grip.
What am I gonna do, Hayles?
DOOR CLOSES
We are gonna carry on with your hen night, darling,
that's what we're gonna do.
But this is Enya we're talking about.
WOMAN: Hello, I'm Enyata, your very own Enya tribute act.
Hold onto your unicorns.
I'm gonna sing me first song Orinoco Ho.
Enya's skinny. Leave it.
# In a boat, in a boat, in a boat upon the ocean
# If you're scared, if you're scared
# You might pass a nutty motion
# If it hurts, if it hurts, please be sure to use some lotion... #
'While my father had apparently put beer goggles on for the Orinoco Ho,
'on the other side of town, my mum was in a more sober mood,
'reflecting on a future abandoned, alone, unloved.'
# Well, where did you go?
# When things went wrong, baby?
# Who did you run to
# To find a shoulder to lay your head upon?
# Baby, wasn't I there?
# And didn't I take good care of you?
# Oh, no, I can't believe you're leaving me
# Oh, no, no
# Oh, stay with me, baby
# Stay with me, baby
# I can't go on...
You're getting married in the morning?
Ding, dong, the bells are going to chime.
I don't suppose you fancy a last little fling
with a purty Irish megastar, do you?
Show me where she is and I might just have a ride.
Oh, you're a silver-tongued devil.
Give us a kiss.
No, get your hands off!
Get off him!
What have you got in that handbag? A brick?
Have you got a problem with that?
Lads, thanks for the drink and everything.
Everything? Have youse got a line?
I'm gaggin'.
I've got a wedding to get to.
And this time I'm not gonna miss it for the world.
Argh! Oh!
So what theme did you go for again?
The Sound of Music.
Oh. And who am I again?
Captain Von Trapp.
Oh!
Is that...?
Shut it, batty bwoy.
Whoo! Whoo, yes.
I'm not too late, am I?
Who invited you?
You did, you drunken old eejit.
Now, come on. I want front-row seats.
The groom is a dirty great ride.
'Critics might say I ordered a tad too much material for the dress
'but, hey, at least I gave my mum
'one of the greatest train journeys in the world.'
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE
# I got the music in me I got the music in me
# I got the music in me! Whoo... #
Thank you, Enyata.
HE SQUEALS
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
my son Simon is gonna mark the occasion
with a special wedding dance
with his friend Kylie.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Spirit Of The Bride.
TANGO MUSIC PLAYS
Genius. He gets his twinkle toes from me.
Andy, I'm not wearing any pants.
Ashlene, put that out.
Why?
Because I'm your da and I say so.
Shut up. What?
I'm 16, I'm a grown-up.
Are you shite. You're a little girl.
Oh, am I? You're my baby.
Oh, just put it out, Ashlene.
If I'm a little girl...
Which you are.
Then how comes I'm pregnant?
MUSIC STOPS, THEY GASP
Andy, sometimes squeezing a strange woman's breasts
can be handy at a time like this.
Keep going. Dr Footlights will see us through.
MUSIC RESUMES
Lucky cow.
Whose is it?
An unmarried mother?
Er, pot, kettle, black.
I was in a loving, committed relationship when I had you.
Debbie, calm down.
I'll look after it.
And you're not being much help.
Oh, shut up, Debbie. Just have a drink and steady your nerves.
Look, she's pregnant. There's not a lot we can do about that now.
We can't exactly...
Resew the hymen after the horse has bolted...
HE RETCHES
..sort of thing.
Are you keeping it? Yeah.
Another drink, Hayley. YOU ain't blind.
No, but I'm gonna get blind bloody drunk.
Hey, is that blind one all right?
She always gets maudlin when she's on the gin.
'So, the wedding day had proved to be memorable.
'And it didn't stop there.'
I quite like being a bastard.
It means you get to go to your own parents' wedding.
Freak.
I'm a mother-to-be, Simon.
I'll smoke inside the house cos if I smoke outside
it might harm the baby.
Do you really not know who the dad is?
Course I know.
Only he don't wanna.
I just want you to know that if it's a girl,
I'm gonna call it Simon.
Really?
Piss off!
TOILET FLUSHES
Which clever dick moved my bed, eh?
Jeez, Debbie, you've put on a bit of weight.
Could have had a little shave for your wedding night.
That is one hell of a hairy growler.
HE CHUCKLES
THEY BOTH GRUNT
SHE SCREAMS
THEY BOTH SCREAM
Rape! Rape!
Andy interfered with me. I thought it was you, Debbie.
He touched me where I haven't been touched since Greenham.
She climbed into the bloody bed with me.
You did what? I thought it was you.
I couldn't see where I was going.
Oh, right, the minute my back's turned and look what you do.
I am a victim of abuse here. He's defiled me.
Put a sock in it, Hayley. I bet you loved it.
You are a poor excuse for a woman, Debbie.
Yeah, well, at least I'm not a bed-hopping slut.
Drop dead, Grandma!
SIMON CHOKES
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Simon's swallowed the groom.
'And that certainly wouldn't be the last time.'
Heimlich manoeuvre. Heimlich manoeuvre.
QUIET SINGING NEARBY
What's that noise?
Polish washing song.
THUDDING
Pole dancing?
Oh, I ain't half missed you, Simon.
How long are you here for?
The world's my oyster.
Stay.
# Ahh-ahh
# Don't let them go Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream
# And let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk