>>> HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE SITUATION ROOM.
I'M YOUR HOST WOLF BLITZER,
AN INDOORMAN WITH AN OUTDOOR NAME.
PFIZER VACCINE
FDA APPROVED
PS5 WANTS NOBODY GET
RICH
WHAT EXPECT
SITUATION
WELCOME DOCTORS
HI OKAY
ALSO REASON
TO MINIMUM
SPREAD
THANK
FINALLY GOOD NEWS
VACCINE IS APPROVED
AND I'M JOINING THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION TO CONTINUE THE FIGHT AGAINST COVID.
>> AND I THINK I'LL BE JOINING AS WELL, RIGHT?
BLEACH
AND I DID A STANKY LITTLE FACE.
AND I ALMOST WHISPERED NO
- REMEMBER - YEAH
TALK ABOUT VACCINE
WHICH ALREADY DISTRIBUTE IN UNITED KINGDOM
>> YEAH, WE'RE DOING THIS VACCINE WORLD WAR II STYLE.
WE MADE ENGLAND GO FIRST
SEE AND WE SWOOP IN AT END AND
TOM HANKS WILL MAKE TEN MOVIES ABOUT IT
WHEN IT'S ALL OVER KISS ANY NURSE
GOOD TO ME
FIRST THE UNITED STATES.
THIS HOW. FIRST HEALTH CARE WORKERS.
MAY
MILDRED, HORACE
BLANCHE, WALTER
>> SUPER SENIORS, ANYONE WHO PAYS FOR RED LOBSTER WITH DINER'S CLUB KAURD.
AFTER THE ELDERLY - PRISONERS
TEACHERS
JULY
WAIT
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE OVERALL FEDERAL VACCINE PLAN.
>> I TRY NOT IT COMMENT BUT THE PRESIDENT HAS DONE AS GOOD A JOB
AS I DID THROWING OUT THE FIRST PITCH AT RED SOX GAME
>> YES, I BELIEVE WE HAVE A CLIP. - NO
>> NOW, WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED?
DON'T WANNA TALK
OKAY WE ALL MESS UP SOMETIMES.
YOU THREW THE BALL WRONG. I DIDN'T SAY DON'T DRINK BLEACH.
HAPPENED
THANK SCIENCE AND FACTS
FAUCI
>> NO, NO, STOP THROWING BRAS PLEASE.
>> I'M SORRY, DR. FAUCI, DID SOMEONE JUST THROW A BRA AT YOUR FACE?
>> LOOK, THIS KEEPS HAPPENING. THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE THING I'VE BEEN THE ONLY ONE STAYING FACTS
SO SOME GOT A CRUSH ON ME.
THEY SAY STUFF LIKE CAN YOU BE MY FACE MASK. I RESPECT IT.
ANY OTHER YEAR I'M A TWO. THIS YEAR I'M A TEN. I DON'T KNOW.
>> NOW IT'S MY UNDERSTANDING THAT THE CORONAVIRUS VACCINE
MUST BE STORED AT 70 DEGREES BELOW ZERO
HOW WILL YOU KEEP THE DOSES COLD?
>> LUCKILY THE VACCINE COMES IN COORS LIGHT COLD ACTIVATED CANS
SO, IF THE MOUNTAINS ARE BLUE, YOU KNOW THE VACCINE IS EFFECTIVE.
>> THE PFIZER AND MODERNA VACCINE BOTH REQUIRE TWO DOSES.
HOW WILL PROVIDERS TRACK PATIENTS TO MAKE SURE THEY RETURN FOR THE SECOND DOSE?
>> WE'RE USING A TECHNIQUE LONG-EMPLOYED BY ONE NIGHTSTANDS WHO HAVE FEELINGS
WE'LL LEAVE IT AT CVS TO SEE IF THEY COME BACK.
>> HOW DO WE DECIDE WHICH STATES GET THE SHIPMENTS FIRST.
>> WE'LL DISTRIBUTE TO STATES ALPHABETICALLY
STARTING WITH A-CALIFORNIA AND THEN B-NEW YORK CITY.
>> AND THE DISTRIBU BASED ON
>> RIGHT, IN NEW ORLEANS WE'LL TOSS THE VACCINES UP TO BALCONIES LIKE MARDI GRAS,
MORE YOU SHOW, MORE YOU GET.
>> NORTH CAROLINA'S VACCINE WILL BE VINEGAR-BASED
WHILE SOUTH CAROLINA'S WILL BE MUSTARD-BASED.
IN NEW YORK, THE VACCINE VESSELS WILL BE VERY THIN ON THE BOTTOM
WHEREAS IN CHICAGO IT WILL BE MORE OF A DEEP DISH
>> I SEE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU GOT YOUR WORK CUT OUT FOR YOU.
>> YES. HOPEFULLY IF ENOUGH AMERICANS GET THE --
>> MARRY ME.
ENOUGH PLEASE.
AS I WAS SAYING HOPEFULLY THANK YOU.
IF ENOUGH AMERICANS GET THIS VACCINE YOU'LL ALL FORGET WHO I AM.
THAT'S MY GOAL. TO HAVE ZERO NAME RECOGNITION WITH AMERICANS,
THAT MEANS I DID MY JOB WELL.
I WANT TO GO BACK TO BEING AN ANONYMOUS HUNK.
YOU HAVE MY PROMISE, NO MATTER WHO IS IN CHARGE
I'LL DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO SEE OUR LOVED ONES SAFELY AGAIN.
>> AND I'M TALLER. >> YOU BEAT ME THERE.
>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.
MUSICAL GUEST -- BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E STREET BAND.
AND YOUR HOST -- TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
MY NAME IS TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET,
IT'S A HUGE HONOR TO BE HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"!
MAN, I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I'M FROM NEW YORK. I LIVE IN NEW YORK.
I ACTUALLY GREW UP IN AN ART'S BUILDING IN HELL'S KITCHEN 12 MINUTES FROM HERE.
KITCHEN
BEFORE I WAS BORN MY MOM WAS A DANCER
AND ON OCCASION WOULD DO BACK UP WORK ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
IN FACT WE HAVE A CLIP OF HER IN A DANA CARVEY SKETCH. WITH CHRIS FARLEY,
MASSIVE HEAD WOUND HARRY.
>> HEY GREAT PARTY.
SORRY I'M LATE. I FORGOT WHERE YOU LIVE.
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> YEP. THAT'S MY MOM.
>> SHE ALMOST GOT SPIT ON BY CHRIS FARLEY.
SHE'S THE REASON I'M ALIVE AND WHY I HAVE AN ACTING CAREER.
MOM, I LOVE YOU. I THINK SHE'S RIGHT THERE.
NO MATTER WHERE I GO I'LL ALWAYS BE A NEW YORK-CITY KID AT HEART.
ESPECIALLY AT CHRISTMAS.
SORRY
PLAY A LITTLE SONG IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU GUYS.
NOTHING LIKE CHRISTMAS IN NEW YORK,
ICE SKATING ON THE HUDSON, SLEDDING DOWN THE SIDE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING.
LEAVING COOKIES FOR SANTA IN THE BATHROOM.
I HAD MY FIRST NEW YEAR'S EVE KISS WITH MR. METS' DAUGHTER, STACY METS,
BIG HEAD.
CITY WAS MY PLAYGROUND
AND THE SUBWAY WAS MY BABY SITTER.
NOTHING LIKE EATING CHEETOS ON THE F TRAIN ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
YOU EAT A HANDFUL AND THEN YOU HOLD THE POLE AND THEN YOU LICK YOUR FINGERS.
I MISS THAT.
PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK AT GRAND CENTRAL.
NEVER SEEING ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS EVER AGAIN.
I WENT TO LA GUARDIA,
NOT THE SCHOOL THE AIRPORT.
I KNOW ALL OF THE BURROWS. BROOKLYN, QUEENS AND BOCA RATON.
NEW
THE CITY'S SO NICE THEY NAMEED IT NEW YORK.
HEY WE GOT ANOTHER NEW YORK CITY KID HERE, PETE DAVIDSON.
HELLO
>> TIMOTHÉE YOU SMELL FANTASTIC.
>> AND PETE, YOU SMELL.
COOL. I'M FROM MANHATTAN, NEW YORK. I'M FROM STATEN ISLAND.
>> WHAT WERE YOUR CHRISTMAS'S LIKE?
STATEN
>> SLEDDING DOWN THE BRIDGE.
HEARING SANTA COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY REALIZING IT'S JUST RATS.
DECORATING OUR CHRISTMAS TREE WITH SPAGHETTI AND SCRATCH OFFS.
WE DON'T LEAVE SANTA COOKIES AND MILK WE LEAVE HIM A BUD LIGHT.
OH YES, THAT WAS THE STATEN ISLAND CHRISTMAS.
>> SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BUT THAT'S STILL NEW YORK, RIGHT.
>> YEAH, I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR THE WORLD. I LOVE YOU STATEN ISLAND.
>> AND I LOVE YOU NEW YORK CITY.
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E STREET BAND IS HERE.
STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> AND NOW A RONA FAMILY CHRISTMAS.
>> CAN'T BELIEVE 2020 IS ALMOST OVER. I'M GOING TO MISS IT.
>> I KNOW. AND WE'VE BEEN TRAVELING NONSTOP ALL YEAR.
CHINA, ITALY, NEW YORK, FLORIDA.
- HOW GREAT IS FLORIDA? >> SO GREAT.
I JUST WISH WE HAD A BREAK FROM ALL OF THE HOLIDAY PARTIES.
HOW MANY CAN THE WHITE HOUSE THROW?
>> I THINK I KNOW WHO THAT IS.
AH, MY BABY GIRL'S HOME. >> HI MOM.
>> HOW WAS YOUR FIRST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE.
>> IT WAS INCREDIBLE. I TOOK OUT LIKE A WHOLE DORM.
>> WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU, HONEY. >> MY LITTLE GIRL'S A SUPERSPREADER.
>> I WANTED YOU TO MEET THIS GUY I START DATDING.
>> HI.
>> NOT TO PUT HIM ON THE SPOT BUT WE DID MEET ON THE CONTACT TRACING APP.
>> I SWABBED RIGHT.
>> AND HE'S KIND OF FAMOUS. >> I GUESS A LITTLE.
>> OH COME ON TELL THEM. >> ALL RIGHT. IT'S NO BIG DEAL. BUT --
I WAS THE ONE WHO INFECTED HANKS.
>> TOM HANKS? >> WOW, THAT WAS BASICALLY THE SUPER BOWL OF INFECTIONS,
WHAT DO YOU DO NEXT? >> I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD.
>> THIS ONE'S A KEEPER.
>> OH, NOW WHO'S THAT.
>> HI, IT'S YOUR NEIGHBORS,
THOUGHT WE'D POP OUT OF NOWHERE AND SAY HELLO.
>> WELL THIS IS A SURPRISE. HONEY, HAVE YOU MET THE HERPES.
>> OH, I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY. EVEN THOUGH STATISTICALLY I SHOULD HAVE.
>> I'M ORAL AND THIS IS MY WIFE GENITAL.
>> PLEASE CALL ME JEN.
HEY WHAT'S THE MATTER?
AREN'T GOING TO INTRODUCE THEM TO YOUR OTHER CHILD?
>> WOW, LOOK WHO IS AWAKE BEFORE 6:00 P.M.
JUST IN TIME TO START DRINKING.
>> OH, YEAH AM I LITTLE DISINFECTED.
AT LEAST I'M NOT A HOAX LIKE THE REST OF THIS FAMILY.
>> SORRY, MAYBE NOW'S NOT A GOOD TIME.
>> IT'S LIKE AT HERPES ONLY SHOW UP WHEN YOU'RE STRESSED OUT.
>> SORRY. OH NO, NO. IT'S FINE, WE'LL COME BACK.
>> WE ALWAYS DO.
>> WELL, THAT WAS INCREDIBLY RUDE.
>> SORRY MOM MY, PROTEINS AREN'T PERFECT LIKE MY LITTLE SISTER
BACK FROM HER FIRST SEMESTER OF UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX IN PERSON.
>> WE GAVE YOU EVERY OPPORTUNITY.
WE PAID TO SENDS YOU TO NEW ZEALAND AND NOW LOOK ZERO CASES.
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO CONCERTS THERE. IT'S A DISGRACE.
>> THINK OF YOUR POOR GRANDMOTHER'S SPANISH FLU.
>> COME ON GIVE ME A KISS, I'LL KILL YOU.
>> NOW, SHE INFECTED THE WHOLE WORLD AND THAT WAS BEFORE AIRPLANES.
>> -- I KILL EVERYONE.
>> IF YOU DON'T START INFECTING AGAIN, YOUR CAREER'S OVER.
YOU'RE GOING TO END UP LIKE THOSE WASHED UP VIRUSES ON DANCING WITH THE SARS.
>> MAYBE YOU WOULD FEEL BETTER IF YOU JUST DINED INDOORS MORE.
>> HEY, I'M JUST FOLLOWING CUOMO'S STAY-AT-HOME ORDERS.
>> YOU DO NOT MENTION CUOMO IN THIS HOUSEHOLD!
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY HE'S THE ONLY REAL LEADER IN THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW.
>> YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP IS ONLY ONE LOOKING OUT FOR US,
WE WOULDN'T STILL BE HERE WITHOUT TRUMP.
>> AND TRUMP INTRODUCED US TO EVERYONE HE KNOWS,
EVEN AFTER HE WAS INFECTED. NOW THAT'S A CLASS-ACT.
>> GUYS, DO WE HAVE TO TALK POLITICS RIGHT NOW?
>> YOUR BROTHER IS LIVING IN CLOUDS WHEN HE SHOULD BE LIVING ON SURFACES.
>> I JARROD HEARD YOUR NOT EVEN DEADLY AS THE REGULAR FLU.
BACK
>> LET THE BIG MAN TALK.
YOU THINK YOU'RE NOT BIG ENOUGH TO HIT YOUR OLD MAN?
>> DAD, STOP!
>> YOU'RE NOT MY DAD. MAYBE MOM JUST LANDED ON A LUNG CELL AND REPLICATED.
SOMETIMES I WISH YOU WEREN'T MY SON.
>> OH, YEAH, IT MUST BE CHRISTMAS BECAUSE YOUR WISH JUST CAME TRUE.
I'M GETTING THE VACCINE.
>> YOU WOULDN'T. >> WATCH ME.
PRETTY SOON I'LL HAVE THE ANTIBODIES.
>> HE'S JOINED IN THE RADICAL ANTIBO.
>> WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US?
>> BECAUSE MOM, YOU NEVER HAD TIME FOR ME.
NEVER WENT TO A SINGLE ONE OF MY NFL GAMES.
DAD'S BEEN SO FOCUSED ON THE SECOND WAVE
CAN'T EVEN HEAR HIS FIRST-BORN SON CRYING OUT FOR HELP.
>> RONIE, SAY SOMETHING.
>> YOU'RE A GREAT VIRUS, SON.
YOUR LAUGHTER WAS ALWAYS SO INFECTIOUS
AND YOU GAVE THOSE TIGERS AT THE BRONX ZOO COVID, REMEMBERR.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW THE HELL YOU PULLED THAT OFF.
>> SNUCK IN THEIR BUTTS.
>> I KNOW I DON'T SAY THIS ENOUGH, BUT I'M PROUD OF YOU,
>> WE ALL HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR THIS CHRISTMAS.
AND TO THINK, THIS TIME LAST YEAR WE WERE JUST A GLIMMER IN THE EYE OF A SICK BAT.
I KNOW THE ODDS WERE STACKED AGAINST US BUT MAYBE 2021 WILL BE EVEN BETTER.
>> WE WERE GOING TO WAIT TO TELL YOU BUT, WE'RE ENGAGED.
>> AND WE'RE MOVING INTO RUDY GUILIANI.
>> YAY!
THEY'RE GOING TO FIT PERFECTLY.
HEY, MATT, I THINK THERE MIGHT BE ONE MORE GIFT FOR YOUR MOM, RIGHT THERE.
>> IT HASN'T BEEN A NORMAL YEAR, SO THIS CHRISTMAS, GET HER SOMETHING EXTRAORDINARY
DURING THE LEXUS DECEMBER TO REMEMBER SALES EVENT.
>> NATHAN, YOU DIDN'T.
>> WITH FLEXIBLE FINANCING AND ZERO PERCENT APR,
THERE'S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO BUY OR LEASE A NEW LEXUS.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY.
>> ARE YOU [ BLEEP ] KIDDING ME NATHAN?
DID YOU SERIOUSLY BUY A CAR WITHOUT ASKING ME?
>> WELL, 'CAUSE FOR CHRISTMAS.
>> THIS IS A MAJOR PURCHASE.
>> RIGHT. BUT IT WAS A DECEMBER TO REMEMBER,
>> IT'S A LEXUS. WE DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR THIS, NATHAN.
>> WE DON'T? >> NO, WE DON'T. YOUR FATHER DOESN'T --
YOUR FATHER HASN'T WORKED SINCE LAST MARCH. >> WHAT?
>> YEAH, COVID HAS HIT A LOT OF PEOPLE HARD, AND I'M NO EXCEPTION.
>> NATHAN, YOU GOT FIRED IN MARCH, 2019.
COVID HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
>> HEY, PAL, I GUESS YOUR OLD MAN'S BUSTED.
>> IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE SAVINGS,
SO GET TO YOUR LOCAL LEXUS DEALER TODAY.
>> HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND ON THIS RIDICULOUS CAR, NATHAN.
>> ONLY $3,999 DUE AT SIGNING.
FOUR GRAND. IT'S NOT THAT MUCH, BABE.
>> AND HOW MUCH IS THE MONTHLY PAYMENT? >> THE WHAT?
>> DO YOU THINK THIS ENTIRE CAR COSTS $4,000? >> UH-HUH.
>> THERE'S A MONTHLY PAYMENT!
>> YEAH, BUT WITH A WITH ZERO PERCENT APER, I THINK IT'S ALL GOOD.
>> APER, DO YOU MEAN APR?
>> I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S APER.
>> WOW. JUST, WOW.
HEY, COME ON, IT'S CHRISTMAS.
THIS IS GOOD. I DID A GOOD THING FOR US, LET'S ENJOY IT.
>> DAD, IT'S 9:00 IN THE MORNING.
>> SO, IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE WORK LATER.
>> COME ON.
>> HEY! >> HEY, NEIGHBOR.
>> YOU BOUGHT A LEXUS?
YOU COME TO ME THREE WEEKS AGO, "OH, MIKE, HELP ME, I NEED MONEY,
I CAN'T BUY CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR MY FAMILY.
MY WIFE DOESN'T RESPECT ME." >> I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
>> "MY WIFE'S CHEATING ON ME." WITH EVERYONE >> MOM, YOU ARE?
>> "I WANT TO LOOK COOL IN FRONT OF MY SON'S GIRLFRIEND."
>> EW, DAD. IS THAT WHY YOU PIERCED YOUR EAR?
>> NO, I'VE HAD THIS FOREVER.
>> "I JUST NEED FIVE GRAND TO GET BACK ON MY FEET,"
AND THEN YOU BUY A LEXUS.
>> YEAH, WELL IT WAS BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE SAVINGS AT MY LOCAL LEXUS DEALER,
>> I WANT MY MONEY BACK, MAN. TOMORROW.
>> HEY, KATHY.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, WE'RE TAKING THIS CAR BACK TO THE DEALERSHIP, NOW.
DRIVE JANICE
COOL CAR
SHUT UP
GIFT TALK OVER
ONE SPEAKS HER MIND
A GRAMMY WINNER AND THE QUEEN OF TWITTER.
IT'S THE DIONNE WARWICK TALK SHOW.
>> HELLO, HELLO. HELLO.
THANK
WELCOME TO THE DIONNE WARWICK TALK SHOW.
MAYBE YOU KNOW ME FROM MY MUSIC
OR MAYBE YOU HEARD I JUST DISCOVERED TWITTER
AND THESE ARE ACTUAL TWEETS I TWEETED OUT.
"HI CHANCE THE RAPPER, IF YOU ARE VERY OBVIOUSLY A RAPPER,
WHY DID YOU PUT IT IN YOUR STAGE NAME?
I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS".
OR, HOW DO YOU SENDS A TWEET TO SNOOP DOGG.
DID I DO THIS CORRECTLY.
THANK YOU AS ALWAYS TO MY PRODUCER, MY PUBLICIST AND MY NIECE, BRITTANY.
>> HAPPY TO BE HERE AUNT DIONNE.
>> DID SNOOP DOGG REPLY? >> NO, NOT YET, AUNT DIONNE.
>> DANG IT ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
AND NOW FOR MY STAND UP MONOLOGUE.
* WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE?
A GUY WITH A PIN -- * BURST YOUR BUBBLE
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, YEAH, THANK YOU.
LET'S BRING OUT OUR FIRST GUEST, HARRY STYLES.
>> MISS WARWICK, YOU'RE A LEGEND.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I'M SUCH A MASSIVE FAN.
>> YES AND WHO ARE YOU?
>> I'M HARRY STYLES, I'M A SINGER,
SORT OF ESSENTIAL FASHION MAN AND YOU CAN SAY I DO IT FOR EVERYONE.
>> NO, NO BUT WHERE I DO KNOW YOU FROM?
>> OR MAYBE YOU KNOW MY SONG WAS WATERMELON SUGAR.
WHAT IS WATERMELON SUGAR.
>> WELL, I THINK IT'S JUST ABOUT SUMMER,
SOME THINK IT'S ABOUT ORAL SEX.
THAT'S NASTY.
>> NO, NO, BUT ON A WOMAN.
>> OKAY, WELL, NOW I LIKE IT YOU LAD.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT. ONE LAST QUESTION, HARRY STYLES,
WHY IS WENDY WILLIAMS BEING A BITCH TO ME?
SHE STARTED BEEFING AND NOW SHE ACTING LIKE SHE CAN'T FINISH.
>> SORRY, I DON'T KNOW WHO WENDY WILLIAMS IS.
>> OH, I KNEW I LIKED YOUR ASS, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH, GO AWAY ALL RIGHT GO ON, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, BRITTANY, IT'S EXCITING TO BE ON TV.
>> YEAH, LIKE WHEN YOU ON CELEBRI APPRENTICE.
>> NO, I WASN'T. I BRIEFLY WORKED FOR DONALD TRUMP.
>> THAT WAS THE SHOW, AUNTIE. >> I DON'T REMEMBER IT THAT WAY.
OKAY. NOW FOR OUR COOKING SEGMENT.
* KEEP SMILING. KEEP SHINING. - I'M
- TODAY - NOW YOU CAN ALL WAYS COUNT ON ME,
FOR SURE.
PRETTY GOOD. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.
LET'S BRING OUT OUR NEXT GUEST, MISS WILLIAM EYELASH.
>> HI.
MY NAME IS ACTUALLY BILLIE EILISH. I'M A SINGER.
* I'M THE BEST. MAKING MOMMA SAD, SAD, BAD
BAD GUY
>> WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.
SO KESHA -- >> NO, NO NO, BILLIE EILISH.
>> NO, I KNOW BABY, I KNOW, BUT WHY DOES KESHA HAVE A DOLLAR
AND ALSO SEE YA WITH THE WIG SHE GOT A NOSE JOB OR SOMETHING.
>> ARE YOU JUST GOING TO KEEP ASKING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE? >> YES.
NOW BILLIE EILISH, YOU'RE SPOOKY.
CAN YOU PUT A HEX ON WENDY WILLIAMS FOR ME? >> I COULD TRY.
>> OKAY. THANKS FOR COMING.
ALL RIGHT, SO OUR NEXT GUEST HAS BEEN MAKING ALL MY ASSISTANTS BLUSH.
TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET.
>> THIS IS CRAZY. OH, THIS IS SO COOL.
>> OKAY. OKAY. YEAH. YOU SEEM YOUNG.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS SO, MY GOD --
>> OKAY YOUNG MAN, THAT'S ENOUGH NOW.
HELP ME WITH MY PHONE.
IS LOCKED AND I'M TRYING TO SEND A CLAP BACK AT WENDY WILLIAMS.
- I JUST WANT TO CLAP BACK. - YEAH.
YOU KNOW I DON'T WANT A FIST BUMP. YOU CAN TAKE THAT BACK STAGE, BUDDY.
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
>> ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP, LET'S WELCOME MACHINE GUN KELLY.
HEY WHAT UP.
>> OH, A MAN'S HERE TO KILL US. >> NO THAT'S JUST HIS NAME.
NO BABY, I DON'T WANT TO CHANCE IT. GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
>> WHATEVER. PEACE. YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
>> UH-OH, MUCH BETTER.
NOW AUDIENCE WE'VE COME TO THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW.
EVERYONE LOOK UNDER YOUR CHAIRS, EVERYONE GETS A --
* DO YOU KNOW THE WAY * * TO SAN JOSE *
>> THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING THE DIONNE WARWICK TALK SHOW.
SNOOP, CALL ME, BABY.
FARM
PAST DUE
>> AWE THE HELL WITH IT ABIGAIL. THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO.
>> IT'S OKAY RANDALL WE WILL FIGURE THIS OUT TOGETHER.
>> PA? >> ERNEST, GO TO SLEEP SWEETIE.
>> WHAT'S A MATTER PA. >> ERNEST, LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, IT'S GROWN UP TALK.
>> WELL I'M GROWN UP AIN'T I? YOU CAN TRUST ME WITH THE HOGS, YOU CAN TRUST ME WITH THE TRUTH.
>> WE'RE SELLING THE FARM BOY, THE LAND, THE BARN, ALL OF IT.
>> PA, WHAT ABOUT THE ANIMALS?
WE'RE NOT GOING TO SELL THE ANIMALS, RIGHT PA?
>> SORRY, BOY. THEY HAVE TO GO.
THEY ALL HAVE TO GO.
TO CRY ON THE FARM TONIGHT
AND I'M FEELING SO ALONE
BECAUSE TODAY I'M LOSING MY FRIENDS ♪
♪ YES TERDAY I'M GONNA LOSE MY ONLY FRIEND
THERE HE IS MY TINY HORSE ♪
♪ AND HE'S GOING AWAY YEAH
THEY'RE TAKING HIM AWAY FROM ME, YEAH ♪
♪ THERE HE IS MY TINY HORSE
EXTRA
BUT THEY'RE TAKING HIM AWAY FROM ME, YEAH ♪
♪ TINY HORSE ♪
>> YOU'RE FREE NOW, BOY. GO ON.
DID YOU HEAR ME I SAID YOU'RE FREE. NOW RUN.
COME ON YOU DUMB HORSE, I SAID GET.
RUN IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU.
GET! GET! GO ON, GET, GO.
COME ON, GET! GET, GO ON!
GET! GET!
GO ON, GET!
GO ON, BOY. HEY, GET. GO ON, GET!
DON'T COME BACK, YOU HEAR.
I NEVER EVEN WANTED YOU SO DON'T COME BACK, CAUSE I CERTAINLY WON'T BE A LOOKING.
JUST PROMISE ME ONE THING,
DO GREAT THINGS.
I KNOW YOU WILL.
>> AND YOUR VALEDICTORIAN IS TINY HORSE.
HORSE AFFAIRS
>> TINY HORSE'S -- TIES THE KNOT.
>> THAT IS INCREDIBLE. TINY HORSE, EVERYONE.
♪ THERE HE IS MY TINY HORSE
HE'S EXTRA TINY TODAY YEAH ♪
♪ BUT THEY'RE TAKING HIM AWAY FROM ME YEAH
TINY HORSE ♪
>> WHAT. GOOD NEWS, I GOT A LOAN AND WE'RE KEEPING THE FARM.
>> WHAT? >> TURNS OUT YOU CAN KEEP YOUR TINY HORSE AFTER ALL.
>> REALLY?
NO, PA, I CAN'T.
THAT TINY HORSE WERE NEVER MINE TO BEGIN WITH.
THAT TINY HORSE BELONGS TO THE WORLD.
GO ON, BOY,
GET.
GOING TO DO GREAT THINGS RIGHT PA?
>> SURE HE WILL SON. I JUST KNOW IT.
MERRY
♪ TINY HORSE ♪
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E STREET BAND.
Ghosts
* I HEAR THE SOUND OF YOUR GUITAR
COMIN' FROM THE MYSTIC FAR *
* STONE AND THE GRAVEL IN YOUR VOICE
COME IN MY DREAMS AND I REJOICE *
* IT'S YOUR GHOST MOVING THROUGH THE NIGHT
YOUR SPIRIT FILLED WITH LIGHT *
* I NEED NEED YOU BY MY SIDE
YOUR LOVE AND I'M ALIVE *
* I CAN FEEL THE BLOOD SHIVER IN MY BONES
I'M ALIVE AND I'M OUT HERE ON MY OWN *
* I'M ALIVE AND I'M COMIN' HOME
OLD BUCKSKIN JACKET YOU ALWAYS WORE *
* HANGS ON THE BACK OF MY BEDROOM DOOR
BOOTS AND THE SPURS YOU USED TO RIDE *
* CLICK DOWN THE HALL BUT NEVER ARRIVE
IT'S JUST YOUR GHOST MOVING THROUGH THE NIGHT *
* YOUR SPIRIT FILLED WITH LIGHT
I NEED NEED YOU BY MY SIDE *
* YOUR LOVE AND I'M ALIVE
I CAN FEEL THE BLOOD SHIVER IN MY BONES *
* I'M ALIVE AND I'M OUT HERE ON MY OWN
I'M ALIVE AND I'M COMIN' HOME *
* YOUR OLD FENDER TWIN FROM JOHNNY'S MUSIC DOWNTOWN
STILL SET ON TEN TO BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN *
* COUNT THE BAND IN THEN KICK INTO OVERDRIVE
BY THE END OF THE SET WE LEAVE NO ONE ALIVE *
RUNNIN' THROUGH THE NIGHT
OUR SPIRITS FILLED WITH LIGHT *
* I NEED NEED YOU BY MY SIDE
YOUR LOVE AND I'M ALIVE *
* I SHOULDER YOUR LES PAUL AND FINGER THE FRETBOARD
I MAKE MY VOWS TO THOSE WHO'VE COME BEFORE *
* I TURN UP THE VOLUME LET THE SPIRITS BE MY GUIDE
MEET YOU BROTHER AND SISTER ON THE OTHER SIDE *
* I'M ALIVE
I CAN FEEL THE BLOOD SHIVER IN MY BONES
I'M ALIVE AND I'M OUT HERE ON MY OWN *
* I'M ALIVE AND I'M COMIN' HOME
YEAH, I'M COMIN' HOME
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE
>> GOOD EVENING EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME IN I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
BEGIN NOT WIN
THE SUPREME COURT DISMISSED TWO DIFFERENT EFFORTS TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION RESULTS THIS WEEK.
THEY WERE THE FIRST RULING BY THE SUPREME COURT THAT WERE JUST THE EYE EMOJI.
BUT DON'T WORRY GUYS, TRUMP ISN'T THROWING IN THE TOWEL
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN A FIGHTER HIS WHOLE LIFE.
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE ON HIS BRAIN SCAN.
I LOVE NOW HOW THE MEDIA KEEPS TELLING US, "OKAY, THIS TIME IT'S OVER."
NOTHING IS OVER AS LONG AS TRUMP CAN MAKE MONEY ON IT.
EVEN WHEN HE DIES HIS TOMBSTONE IS JUST GOING TO HAVE VENMO INFO.
ALSO HE'S A BILLIONAIRE AND KEEPS ASKING SUPPORTERS FOR $5
SAD IT'S LIKE SAYING FOR THE PRICE OF A CUP OF COFFEE A DAY
YOU CAN HELP A DESPERATE OLD MAN ACT LIKE PRESIDENT.
SWEET
>> THE TEXAS LAWSUIT ASKED THE SUPREME COURT TO INVALIDATE ELECETION RESULTS IN FOUR OTHER STATES.
WHICH IS A PLAN SO THAT IS SO CRAZY ONLY TEXANS WILL TRY TO EXECUTE IT.
MANY BLACK DOCTORS HEART
PATIENTS VACCINES
WEIRD MODERNA VACCINE IS MY FAVORITE TYLER PERRY CHARACTER.
>> PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN HAS EMPHASIZED HIS COMMITMENT TO VACCINE DISTRIBUTION
BY PROMISING 100 MILLION SHOTS IN A 100 DAYS.
WHICH IS ALSO HIS BOTOX ROUTINE.
BIDEN PROBABLY WOULD HAVE GOT THOSE DOSES TO US SOONER
BUT THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION REJECTED SEVERAL OPPORTUNITIES
TO ACQUIRE AN ADDITIONAL HUNDRED MILLION DOSES OF PH VACCINE
WHY? TOO MUCH VACCINE
HELL PRIORITY
YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR LIFE-SAVING VACCINES
BUT YOU CAN START UP A SPACE ARMY.
IT'S LIKE THE CAPTAIN OF THE TITANIC, WHILE IT'S GOING DOWN, SAYING,
SPACE ARMY
INSIDERS ARE SAYING GENERAL AND ALL GROWN-UP ERIC CARTMAN,
BILL BARR
WILLIAM BARR IS CONSIDERING RESIGNING AFTER A CONTENTIOUS MEETING WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING BILL BARR WON'T STAND FOR,
IT'S MORE THAN A MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES AT A TIME.
THIS WEEK THE FDA ADVISORY PANEL VOTED TO RECOMMEND EMERGENCY AUTHORIZATION OF Pfizer VACCINE.
HERE TO COMMENT IS WEEKEND UPDATES RESIDENT MEDICAL EXPERT DR. WAYNE WENOWDIS.
>> HELLO.
>> HI DOCTOR. GREAT
NOW YOU ARE A VERY DISTINGUISHED MEMBER OF YOUR FIELD.
>> YES. WE KNOW DIS.
>> AND WE ARE GLAD THAT YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS VACCINE,
BUT THEY ALSO HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT IT.
>> WE KNOW DIS THIS.
>> NOW THIS IS THE FIRST VACCINE FROM PFIZER. >> WE KNOW DIS.
>> AND IT IS 95% EFFEECT. >> WE LOVE DIS.
GREAT IT HAS NO MAJOR SIDE EFFECTS. >> WE HORNY FOR DIS
AND THE FIRST DOSES ARE GOING TO BE DELIVERED IN MATTER OF DAYS.
>> WE KNOW THIS, WE SEE THIS, WE LOVE THIS. WE KNOW THIS.
ALL RIGHT AND JUST TO CLARIFY ARE YOU SAYING, "WE KNOW THIS."
OR ARE YOU JUST SORT OF REPEATING YOUR OWN NAME LIKE PICACHU.
>> BABY, IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH.
>> OKAY. GOT
SO, A LOT OF AMERICANS I THINK ARE PROBABLY WONDERING WHEN THEY ARE GOING TO GET IT,
AND WHAT THE DISTRIBUTION WILL LOOK LIKE?
>> OKAY. THE THING ABOUT THE VACCINE.
WE KNOW THIS THAT WE HAVE THIS, BUT EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT THE VACCINE --
WHO GONNA GET IT? WHEN WE GET IT? HOW WE GET IT?
WE DON'T KNOW THIS.
>> RIGHT. AND EVEN WHEN WE DO HAVE THE VACCINE,
A THIRD OF AMERICANS NOW SAY THEY WON'T TAKE IT.
>> RIGHT, RIGHT, YOU KNOW, IN GENERAL, WE GOT THIS PANDEMIC
WE DIDN'T DO GOOD.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER.
BUT IT ACTUALLY COULD NOT HAVE BEEN WORSE.
I DON'T KNOW HOW WE DO THIS BUT WE BLOW THIS.
>> YEAH YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT. WE APPRECIATE YOUR INSIGHTS.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH. WAIT, BEFORE I GO, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE VACCINE.
LIVE ON THE AIR.
I DON'T KNOW THAT I SHOULD BE ONE OF THE FIRST ONES TO GET IT.
>> I COME ON YOUR SHOW, YOU'RE CUTE THOUGH.
>> OKAY, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. >> OKAY,
* COME ON VACCINE *
* OH, WE GOT A VACCINE *
VACCINE
* NOW YOU GOT IT * * THE VACCINE *
COME ON VACCINE *
>> WAIT, ARE YOU OKAY?
>> THE ANSWER IS NO.
>> I'M VERY SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
>> I THINK WHAT IT S I STOPPED GOING TO THERAPY.
BECAUSE I'M REALLY BAD ON THE PHONE. I DO TOO MANY PAUSES.
I TOLD HER MAYBE EVERY OTHER WEEK, AND THEN I BLOCK HER NUMBER.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE LIGHT AT END OF THE TUNNEL
HAS SHOWED US HOW STINKY AND BAD THE TUNNEL IS.
IT'S LIKE, HOW WILL THE VACCINE GET TO EVERYBODY? WE DON'T KNOW DIS.
WILL WE HAVE ENOUGH? WE DON'T KNOW DIS.
WILL LIFE EVER REALLY GO BACK TO NORMAL. DIS, WE DON'T KNOW DIS.
BUT WHAT WE DO KNOW FOR CERTAIN IS THAT,
NO, WE DON'T KNOW NOTHING.
>> WELL, KATE, I KNOW IT FEELS LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE FOREVER, >> UH-HUH, YES.
>> BUT AS FLORENCE AS WELL AS MACHINE ONCE SAID,
"IT'S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN."
SO REMEMBER, WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS.
>> WE CAN GET WHAT? >> WE'LL GET THROUGH DIS.
>> WE KNOW DIS.
- DOCTOR, EVERYONE >> WE GONNA GET THROUGH DIS.
EYE
>> JAY Z HAS LAUNCHED A LINE OF CANNABIS PRODUCT CALL MONOGRAM.
QUICK REMINDER, FOR THOSE WHO SAID I NEED TO GROW UP,
BEYONCE IS MARRIED TO A 50-YEAR-OLD WEED GUY
SO GOD AIN'T DONE WITH ME N. YET.
>> MIKE PENCE WHO LOOKED LIKE A POLAR BEAR WENT TO WORK
ANNOUNCED THE FIRST OF THE SPACE WAR BASES WOULD BE SET UP IN FLORIDA.
I ASSUME AT TOMORROWLAND AND EPCOT CENTER.
OFFICIALS AT THE BARCELONA ZOO REVEALED
THAT FOUR LIONS AT THE FACILITY TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS.
EVEN MORE SHOCKING BECAUSE THEY ATTENDED A HASIDIC WEDDING.
>> JOE BIDEN HAS NOMINATED REPRESENTATIVE MARSHA FUDGE
AS SECRETARY OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT.
FUDGE LIVES IN OHIO, BUT ORIGINALLY AROUND THE CORNER FROM MILK, MILK LEMONADE.
THINKER
>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED HARRISON FORD WILL RETURN FOR FIFTH INDIANA JONES MOVIE,
UNFORTUNATELY IT'S CALLED "INDIANA JONES AND TOMORROW OF THE JAMAICAN NURSE"
I'M SORRY.
MINNESOTA DRIVE
900 PEOPLE
INSPIRING STORY
DOCTOR'S SAY A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO AN EMBRO FROZEN 25 YEARS AGO,
SAID THE BABY, YOU PICKED THIS YEAR.
>> NEW STUDY FROM ASTRONOMERS, THE GALAXY IS NOT AS BLACK AS PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT
AFTER DATING A WHITE LADY.
>> WELL, GUYS, THERE'S SIMPLY NO DENYING IT. IT'S A HOLIDAY SEASON.
HERE ARE SOME OF HER FAVORITE CHRISTMAS ALBUMS, HER OWN, MELISSA VILLASENOR.
>> HEUY, COLIN, I'M SO EXCITING TALK ABOUT
I'M JUST ASKING BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOUR DOLLY PARTON
WHAT? NO SPECIAL CHRISTMAS OUTFIT
REGULAR
TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS
TRYING IMPRESSION
NO I'M 100% JUST HERE TO SING CHRISTMAS SONGS AS MYSELF.
>> ALL RIGHT. WELL, WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITES?
>> HMM, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE. BUT DEFINITELY "HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS."
IT'S SO JOYFUL. HERE I'LL SING IT.
* HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS *
* IT'S THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR
NOW I DON'T KNOW IF THERE WILL BE SNOW
BUT HAVE A CUP OF CHEERS *
OH, I JUST LOVE CHRISTMAS.
GREAT, BUT YOU WER CLEARLY JUST DOING A DOLLY PARTON IMPRESSION.
HEY BUDDY, EYES UP HERE.
DOWN
OTHER CHRISTMAS SONGS I REALLY LIKE - "JINGLE BELLS."
WHAT A CLASSIC. IT GOES LIKE THIS.
* JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS ALL THE WAY
I'M BEGGING OF YOU PLEASE DON'T TAKE JOLENE *
THAT'S NOT HOW JINGLE BELLS GOES,
AND I ALSO DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW "JOLENE" GOES,
IF WANNA
EXTREMELY
- TROUBLE - MELISSA
NEWS: WANNA BE DOLLY
WHO DOESN'T COOLEST
SHE'S A GREAT SINGER. SHE WRITES HER OWN SONGS.
SHE DONATED $1 MILLION TO THE VACCINE.
PLUS A NEW STORY THIS WEEK SHE SAVED A KID FROM GETTING HIT BY A CAR.
WHICH MADE ME MAD BECAUSE I WAS SPEEDING UP TO HIT HIM.
I'M KIDDING.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL SING YOU ONE ACTUAL CHRISTMAS SONG, FOR REAL.
GROWING UP MY FAMILY WOULD GO TO MIDNIGHT MASS, WHICH WAS IN LATIN,
AND THIS WAS MY FAVORITE HYMN.
* WORKING NINE TO FIVE WHAT A WAY TO MAKE A LIVING *
* BARELY GETTING BY ALL TAKING NO GIVING *
* THEY JUST USE YOUR MIND >> MELISSA VILLASENOR!
BIG
FOR
>>> WE NOW RETURN TO THE HOLIDAY BAKING CHAMPIONSHIP, ON THE FOOD CHANNEL.
>> ALL RIGHT, BAKERS, HOLIDAY WISHES
WHERE YOU HAD TWO HOURS TO MAKE THE CAKE OF YOUR HOLIDAY DREAMS.
FIRST UP, BEFORE THE JUDGES, IS HOME BAKER, LOUISA.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS YOUR HONORS.
>> OH, LOUISA, WE'RE NOT THAT KIND OF JUDGES. - PHEW.
>> OKAY. WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT YOUR CAKE.
THANK YOU. GROWING UP IN TEXAS, SNOW IS A RARITY,
SO I DREAMT UP A WINTER WONDERLAND MADE OF PEPPERMINT BUTTER CREAM.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE MR. ELF HAS TAKEN A DAY OFF FROM HIS SHELF,
WITH HIS TAFFY SKIS AND COCONUT LIME SKI HATS.
>> THAT IS SO CUTE, LOUISA, AND I LOVE THE SENSE OF MOTION.
ARE YOU READY TO SHOW US? >> I AM.
I MESSED UP. IT'S BAD.
>> OH, NO, WHAT HAPPENED? DID YOU GET TOO AMBITIOUS?
>> YEAH, BIT OFF MORE THAN I COULD CHEW, AND THEN I CHOKED ON THAT BITE,
AND THEN I THREW UP THIS.
>> AND THE LEGS? >> ARE PLASTIC BABY DOLL. I AM SORRY.
>> SHOULD WE TASTE IT? >> AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT ALLERGIC TO MUSTARD. I FAILED
>> WOW. WELL, NOT A GREAT START.
BUT OUR NEXT PERSON UP, IS AMATEUR COLLEGE STUDENT, WILLIAM.
>> HI, JUDGES. >> HI, WILLIAM. I LOVE YOUR HAT.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF.
>> WELL, MA'AM, FRANKLY, I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE TODAY,
BECAUSE TWO YEARS AGO I WAS HIT BY A CAR.
>> YOU POOR THING. HIT BY A CAR? >> YES MA'AM.
IT WAS A COSTUME CHARACTER OF LIGHTENING McQUEEN AT DISNEY WORLD.
IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS DRUNK.
>> WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL US ABOUT YOUR CHRISTMAS WISH?
>> WELL, MY CHRISTMAS WISH, IS ONE OF DIVERSITY AND PEACE.
SO I MADE A CAKE WITH SANTA'S FROM AROUND THE WORLD.
EL NINO DIOS FROM MEXICO, BABA NOEL FROM AFGHANISTAN
AND HOEIOSHO FROM JAPAN.
>> OH, MY GOODNESS, THAT'S MAYBE THE MOST INSPIRED DESIGNED CONCEPT WE'VE HAD ON THIS SHOW.
>> I KNOW. I'M TEARING UP, JUST A LITTLE BIT, THINKING ABOUT IT.
>> CAN WE SEE IT? >> OF COURSE.
>> OH, NO. IT DIDN'T WORK.
>> OH, GOD. WHAT IS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW. I PUT IT ALL IN THE OVEN, AND THEN IT CAME OUT LIKE THIS.
>> CAN WE SHOW THAT CAKE ON TV?
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE -- LOOKS LIKE ONE OF TWO THINGS.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
>> WELL, WHY IS IT PUCKERING?
>> I THINK IT MAYBE NEEDS TO GO OUTSIDE?
>> WHAT, NO, I DON'T LIKE THAT. NEXT.
NEXT UP IS SANDY. TELL US ABOUT YOUR CAKE.
>> WELL, MY CHRISTMAS WISH WAS ALSO ONE OF UNITY,
SO I MADE A CAKE DEPICTING CHILDREN FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD SINGING AROUND THE TREE.
TADA. WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?
>> OH, CUTE.
>> NEXT UP IS RALPH.
THAT'S IT? THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GOING TO SAY.
>> IT'S JUST KIND OF BUSY. MY EYE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE TO GO.
>> ALSO, YOU KIND OF COPIED WILLIAM'S CONCEPT.
>> BUT, HE DIDN'T EVEN MAKE A CAKE HE MADE --
GOD
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING THERE WILLIAM?
DON'T KNOW! THE CHOCOLATE LAVA CENTER MAYBE GOT TOO HOT. I DON'T KNOW.
OH, MY LIFE IS CURSED, AND SO IS THIS CAKE.
>> EW, I SEE CORN.
IT'S A MARSHMALLOW. GROW UP!
>> OKAY. WELL, LAST BUT NOT LEAST IS RALPH.
RALPH, I'M THINKING THIS ONE'S YOURS TO LOOSE, PAL. WHAT WAS YOUR CHRISTMAS WISH?
>> MY WISH IS FOR SOMETHING YOU DON'T SEE EVERY CHRISTMAS
BUT WHEN YOU DO, OH, BOY, IS IT SPECIAL.
>> LET'S SEE IT.
>> SO, IT'S A CHRISTMAS TURKEY?
>> NO, SIR, IT'S PENIS AND BALLS, OF COURSE.
>> GOT IT, NICE JOB. >> NICE JOB?
>> OH, HELP, PLEASE. NO! IT'S GOT ME.
>> WOW. WELL, WE HAVE ANOTHER TOUGH DECISION TO MAKE.
>> YEAH, BUT NOT SANDY, RIGHT?
>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE JUDGE'S DECISION, RIGHT AFTER THIS.
>> NO, SERIOUSLY, I NEED HELP, YOU GUYS, PLEASE
>>> WHAT'S UP AND WELCOME TO DOUBLE XL'S 2020 FOR THE CULTURE ROUNDTABLE.
I'M NUNYA BUSINESS,
AND TODAY WE'VE GOT A DISTINGUISHED PANEL
TO CELEBRATE THE UNSTOPPABLE GLOBAL FORCE THAT IS HIP-HOP TODAY.
FIRST UP, A PIONEER AND TRAIL BLAZER MISS QUEEN LATIFAH.
>> I LIKE THAT. >>
>> NEXT UP, HIP HOP HISTORIAN, DJ
AND LEGENDARY DRUMMER OF THE ROOTS CREW QUESTLOVE.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE. THANK YOU.
>> AND FINALLY, FRESH OFF BREAKING THE RECORD FOR MOST STREAMS ON SOUNDCLOUD,
RAP DUO ZAN MOB. AKA GWAP LORD AND SMOKE CHETICK
GOT
THANK YOU.
WELL, LET'S GET STARTED. IT'S 2020, WHAT DOES HIP HOP REPRESENT TODAY?
>> I MEAN AT THIS POINT, IT'S THE CULTURE PERIOD.
WE TOOK OVER THE WORLD THROUGH THE POWER OF OUR SOUND.
>> ABSOLUTELY. FROM THE BLOCK PARTIES OF THE 80'S IN THE BOOGIE DOWN BRONX,
TO THE PROTEST MOVEMENTS OF THE DAY, HIP HOP IS ABOUT THAT LYRICAL TRADITION OF AMERICA.
>> NAH, SEE LIKE -- ME IT'S ABOUT YE, YE.
>> OKAY, THE YE-YE, SAY MORE.
SORRY SAY MORE
>> LIKE, WHEN SHE SKIRT UP ON YOU, YOU JUST GOT TO YE.
YEAH, LIKE YE YE.
>> THAT'S HIP HOP TO ME. - ON GO
>> RIGHT. RIGHT. WELL THE TWO CONFIDENT WHITE BOYS RAISE AN INTERESTING POINT.
THE SOUND HAS CHANGED
BUT HAS IT THOUGH. AT END OF THE DAY, IT'S STILL DRUM AND BASS.
STILL EMCEE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. THE MC IS WHAT SETS HIP HOP APART.
THE POETRY. THE STORIES. THE TRUTH.
>> YEAH I GET THAT BUT, LIKE,
WHAT ABOUT THE YE.
>> YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY, YOU GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK IN FULL SENTENCES.
>> YOU KNOW LIKE -- WHEN SHE GOT
THAT THANG ALL UP IN YOUR FACE, YOU NOT GONNA YE?
BRO COME ON -- YE, YOU GOT TO YE!
>> OKAY NO, BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MUSIC.
>> BUT THE YE GOT IT, LIKE -- I GOT
MY BOY TAZ FROM WAY BACK.
HE GOT GWAP, I'M LIKE DAMN MAN.
>> OKAY. OKAY, I CANNOT MAKE HEADS OR TAILS OF THIS NONSENSE.
>> I THINK WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE HERE.
I THINK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE PARTY SIDE OF HIP HOP.
THE DANCING, THE YEETING, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, HOLD UP. YOU WAS IN YO GOPA GOPO?
>> YEAH, LIKE ONE EPISODE TEN YEARS AGO.
>> BRO, RESPECT, YOU A LEGEND FOR THAT ONE, FAM.
>> DAMN, THAT'S WHOOPTY.
NO IT'S NOT. IT'S NOT WHOOPTY. STOP
YOU KNOW, I'M VERY CURIOUS.
LIKE WHAT GOT YALL INTO THIS? WHO ARE YOUR INFLUENCES?
>> UM, I LIKE FALL OUT BOYS.
>> HOW ABOUT RAPPERS?
>> I'D HAVE TO SAY THE CAR RATS.
>> WHO ARE THE CAR RATS.
>> REMEMBER THEY HAD THE RATS DRIVING AND RAPPING IN THE COMMERCIAL AT THE SAME TIME.
WAIT. WAIT, WAIT. YOU MEAN THE KIA HAMSTER?
>> YE YE. - SKEET
>> OKAY -- OKAY SO NO RAPPERS THEN.
>> I LIKE TIKTOK.
> OH, OKAY NOW I GET IT. SO YOU HEARD ABOUT RAP FROM TIKTOK. >> YEAH.
>> RIGHT. SO THAT'S JUST AN UPSETTING THING TO HEAR.
>> YEAH, LIKE, NO DISRESPECT, BUT THAT'S JUST NOT THE CULTURE.
THAT'S JUST AN OFF SHOOT.
>> YO, MY LAST SONG GOT THREE BILLION STREAMS BRO.
BILLIONS
>> OKAY. NOW -- NOW, WHAT COULD YOU HAVE POSSIBLY MADE THAT GOT THREE BILLION STREAMS?
>> YE. >> YE.
>> YOU HAVE A SONG CALLED YE. >> YEAH.
>> IS THAT YOUR ONLY SONG?
>> WHAT WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE OTHER SONGS?
>> I THINK WE GONNA DO A REMIX. >> YEAH WE GONNA DO A REMIX.
>> OKAY, LOOK, THERE'S SPACE FOR ALL OF US.
I MEAN, HIP HOP IS CONSTANTLY EVOLVING.
I RESPECT Y'ALL FOR DOING Y'ALL'S THING.
>> SEE, YOU GONNA RESPECT THIS. CHECK IT.
ROLL
POP UP
YOU NEVER LOVE ME MOM ♪
BUT
NO
>> -- YOU HAVE TO SING LIKE THAT ON A RAP RECORD, MAN. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
I -- I'M SORRY, A APOLOGIZE.
>> YO, CHILL BRO. COME ON.
>> DUMBASS PISS ME OFF. >> I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SORRY, IT'S WHAT WE ALL WANTED TO DO.
LET'S TAKE A BREAK. ARE YOU GUYS ALL RIGHT?
>> HEY DAD, CAN YOU COME GET US? EVERYONE HERE'S SUPER MEAN.
>>> ONCE AGAIN BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E STREET BAND.
I'll See You in My Dreams
* THE ROAD IS LONG
AND SEEMING WITHOUT END
THE DAYS GO ON
I REMEMBER YOU MY FRIEND *
* AND THOUGH YOU'RE GONE
AND MY HEART'S BEEN EMPTIED IT SEEMS
I'LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS *
* I GOT YOUR GUITAR
HERE BY THE BED
ALL YOUR FAVORITE RECORDS
AND ALL THE BOOKS * * THAT YOU READ
AND THOUGH MY SOUL
FEELS LIKE IT'S BEEN SPLIT * * AT THE SEAMS
I'LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS
WHEN ALL THE SUMMERS * * HAVE COME TO AN END
I'LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS
WE'LL MEET AND LIVE AND LOVE AGAIN *
* I'LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS
UP AROUND THE RIVER BEND
FOR DEATH IS NOT THE END *
* AND I'LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS *
* I'LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS
WHEN ALL THE SUMMERS HAVE COME TO AN END
I'LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS *
* WE'LL MEET AND LIVE AND LOVE AGAIN
I'LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS
UP AROUND THE RIVER BEND
* FOR DEATH IS NOT THE END
AND I'LL SEE YOU IN MY I'LL SEE YOU IN MY *
* I'LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS
* AND I'LL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS *
>>> GREAT NEWS! MILLIONS OF REAL AMERICANS
ARE SWITCHING FROM "FOX NEWS" TO NEWSMAX,
BECAUSE "NEWSMAX" TELLS THEM THE TRUTH,
THAT DONALD TRUMP COULD STILL WIN THIS ELECTION,
AND BECAUSE OF OUR RECENT SUCCESS, WE'RE LAUNCHING "SPORTSMAX."
SPORTSMAX IS A NETWORK FOR REAL JETS FANS,
GIVING YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT AMERICA'S FAVORITE FOOTBALL TEAM.
>> NOW, A LOT OF MAIN STREAM SPORTS NETWORKS, LIKE ESPN,
ARE SAYING THAT THE JETS HAVE NOT WON A SINGLE GAME THIS YEAR,
THAT THEY'RE 0-12.
>> YEAH, WHICH IS INTERESTING, BECAUSE THE THE TRUTH IS,
THE JETS ALREADY WON 11 GAMES THIS SEASON.
>> YEAH. YEAH, SURE. OKAY, SO TAKE US THROUGH THAT. >> YEAH, NO PROBLEM. MY PLEASURE.
NOW THE EXPERTS TELL YOU THAT THE JETS LOST TO THE BILLS 18-10 BACK IN OCTOBER.
SOUND LIKE A DONE DEAL, RIGHT. WELL, NOT SO FAST.
LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT THE NUMBERS.
ALRIGHT, IF WE DIG IN HERE, WE'LL SEE THAT AFTER THE FIRST QUARTER THE JETS WERE WINNING THE GAME 3-0,
BUT THEN SOMETHING VERY SUSPICIOUS HAPPENS.
THE BILLS START GETTING ALL THESE POINTS OUT OF GOD KNOWS WHERE.
EITHER THE JETS WON 3-0, OR THIS WHOLE GAME WAS RIGGED.
>> FINALLY, A NETWORK THAT UNDERSTANDS THAT REAL FANS DON'T GIVE UP ON THEIR TEAM, NO MATTER WHAT.
>> "SPORTSMAX" GIVES YOU INSIDE ANALYSIS FROM JETSPERTS, JELUCA AND DELVEKIO.
>> NOW, IT'S BEING REPORTED, THAT ON NOVEMBER 29th, THE JETS LOST TO THE DOLPHINS, 20-3.
>> LOST? SAYS WHO?
>> WELL, THAT'S HOW THEY SCORED IT.
>> WHO? WHO DID? >> THE NFL.
>> OH, THE NFL. OF COURSE THEY DID! OF COURSE.
LISTEN, I HAVE IN MY HAND
SWORN AFFIDAVIT'S, FROM 500 JETS FANS,
WHO SWEAR THEY WITNESSED THE JETS WIN.
>> BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THERE'S 8 MILLION JETS FANS OUT THERE, 8 MILLION,
AND THEY HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN BY LYING ABOUT THIS.
WAIT, HOLD ON.
YOU'RE GOING TO TELL 8 MILLION HARD-WORKING FANS
THAT THE JETS DIDN'T ACTUALLY BEAT THE DOLPHINS 90-0.
>> HEY, HEY, I WOULD NEVER, EVER DO THAT. >> BECAUSE YOU'RE SMART.
>> YOU GOING TO EAT THAT ONE. >> NO YOU CAN HAVE THAT ONE. >> OKAY.
>> LET'S LOOK AT THIS LOGICALLY, OKAY? >> OKAY.
>> ONLY A REALLY BAD TEAM WOULD ONLY SCORE THREE POINTS IN A FOOTBALL GAME.
AND THE JETS ARE THE GREATEST TEAM EVER.
SO SOMETHING DOESN'T ADD UP HERE.
>> YOU SEE. THE WHOLE HOUSE OF CARDS COLLAPSES.
LONG STORY SHORT, THE JETS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL. THAT'S A PROMISE.
>> PLACE YOUR BETS NOW, PEOPLE.
>> "SPORTSMAX" HAS FOOTBALL YOUR WAY.
ALL OUR RE-BROADCAST GAMES ARE GUARANTEED TO END IN A JETS WIN.
AND PLAYERS ON OUR NETWORK NEVER KNEEL TO THE NATIONAL ANTHEM, WE MAKE SURE OF THAT.
AND ON GAME DAY, BE SURE TO CHECK WITH OUR WEATHER TEAM AT WEATHERMAX.
>> GUYS, THE WEATHER COULDN'T BE BETTER HERE AT MET LIFE STADIUM.
SUNNY AND 68, A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR SOME JETS FOOTBALL.
>> AND TUNE IN THIS SUNDAY, FOR OUR "SPORTSMAX" SPECIAL CROSSOVER EVENT,
THE NEW YORK KNICKS, 100 YEARS OF NOTHING BUT GREATNESS.
WITH SELF-APPOINTED KNICKS HISTORIANS, RICO AND TIKKI SIX.
>> NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY MICHAEL JORDAN IS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME,
OR MAYBE LeBRON JAMES.
BUT, IF YOU LOOK AT A RANDOM SAMPLE -- SAY, FOUR DAYS IN 2012,
IT'S CLEARLY JEREMY LIN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. HE'S STILL THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME.
THAT'S WHY HE'S THE NEW FACE OF SPACE JAM BY "SMUCKERS."
THE LINSANITY NEVER STOPS.
>> "SPORTSMAX." THIS IS GONNA WORK.
>> THANK YOU BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E STREET BAND.
QUESTLOVE!
LISTEN. TOLD ME I HAVE 30 SECONDS, I HAD NOTHING PLAN,
YOU KNOW, I CAN SAY ONE THING,
KUDOS TO KINDNESS
AND WE'VE ALL BEEN THROUGH A CRAZY YEAR, THAT COULD SOUND CORNY,
SOMEONE FAMOUS MADE THAT WELL KNOWN, BUT
HARRY STYLES DID FEW SECONDS AGO.
IT'S TRUE, WE COULD ALL DO A LITTLE BIT OF KINDNESS.
EVERY LITTLE GESTURE COUNTS.
GOOD NIGHT
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