[Danny and Joey laughing]
Drink!
If Katya mentions "Contact" one more time,
I'm gonna die of alcohol poisoning.
The first one to die loses, Danny,
you don't strike me as someone who likes to lose.
[upbeat music]
Despite appearances, this is actually a first date.
I met Joey on one of the regular dating apps.
It was one of those matches
where the conversation just started flying
right out of the gate, you know?
Our interests, where we grew up, our jobs, Israel-Palestine,
all of the classic first date stuff.
We wrapped up in like four hours of rapid fire texting.
In fact, I had to demand that we stop texting
and just meet in person
for fear that we would have nothing else to talk about.
And, guys, it was as good in person as it was on the app.
Like, we had that familiarity
like we had just known each other forever.
And he looked like his pictures, like his actual pictures,
not his pictures plus 20 years and/or pounds,
which at my age is a real surprise.
[upbeat music continues]
Now, I usually wouldn't take a first date
back to my apartment
unless I wanted to fuck him and, like, only fuck him,
like I found him boring and/or odious,
but still wanted to know what his dick looked like.
It's my make lemonade out of lemons policy.
But this guy, I don't think I'm gonna fuck him tonight,
because I actually like him.
Guys, are you happy for me?
Be happy for me.
Plus, you're gonna get to watch us make out
all over this apartment.
Another?
And be real, I'm gonna suck his dick.
I'm always down for more Trixie and Katya.
[liquor pouring]
This was the best idea.
The drinking game was the worst idea.
I forgot how much Katya mentioned "Contact"
in the beginning.
I, on the other hand, did not.
So, you're an alcoholic.
I knew there was a catch.
I'm just not a lightweight like some people.
No, it's more that hot snakes aren't
conducive to my bottoming journey.
What can I say?
I'm just so light and petite.
A gust of wind could blow me away.
Maybe during Katrina.
[Danny laughing]
You know I like him if I let him make a weight gag.
If not, I would've slit his Achilles.
But I should probably slow down
as it is a school night.
Don't you have work in the morning, Tipsy McGee?
I'm a lawyer.
Half of them show up drunk.
The other half have cocaine in their desk.
- Are you into-- - Oh, no, no,
no, no, no.
Nothing up the nose.
Too close to the brain.
Oh, actually my nostrils are
the only holes I don't want filled.
[Danny laughing]
Yowza!
But, yes, I do think five hours is
a good, even number for a first date, don't you?
Whoa.
[upbeat music]
I have to admit
there's a part of me that doesn't want it to end.
Me too.
Text me when you get home?
Oh, sure thing.
Goodnight, handsome.
[couple kissing]
What is wrong with you?
What?
You're being all mushy.
What?
You don't think this is a bit lovey-dovey for you?
I am a passionate lover.
I am filled with passion.
The last time I came over,
we pretended we were two Iraq war veterans
reconnecting after years
to talk about that one lonely night in the barracks.
That's...
That's passionate.
[couple kissing]
[Danny moaning]
Knock it off.
What?
Don't fake moan.
It's not fake.
It's insulting.
Get off of me.
In Mattie's defense, there is a fake moan epidemic
that's running through the bottoming community.
I think they see it in porn
and they think they have to perform it.
Same reason why everyone's wearing ladies' panties
and wants to get choked all of a sudden.
It wasn't fake.
Yes, it was.
It was natural.
It felt good.
No, it wasn't.
No, it didn't. - Fuck you!
That is not what a fake moan sounds like.
A fake moan sounds like...
[Danny fake moaning]
Stop it. [Danny fake moaning]
Stop it!
[Danny fake moaning]
[couple kissing]
What is wrong with you?
I guess when someone fills you with the notion of cum,
they start to know something about you.
I think I have first date blue balls.
[Mattie sighing]
Excuse me?
I had a really, really good first date,
but it didn't end in the first kiss,
so I think it's made me, like, extra hungry for it.
You had a first date tonight?
Yeah, that's why my living room looks like a mess.
Oh, I just thought you were an alcoholic.
[Danny striking] What?
It tracks.
So, you invited me over after a first date?
Yeah, a really good one.
There's no reason he shouldn't have kissed me.
Oh, I can think of about a million reasons.
Shut it.
Did you do something?
No, it was going really well up until the moment he left.
Did you say something?
I don't think so.
What was the last thing we talked about?
Oh, drugs.
It was a cocaine...
Oh, I said that my nostrils were
the only holes I didn't want filled.
So, you were yourself.
I think we have our answer.
That was funny.
It was also very forward.
Well, that's my brand.
I am an impish rascal, you know?
Nudge-nudge, wink-wink.
I think if he had a good time with you
and if he likes you as much as you like him,
he could have thrown cold water on it
to keep things from going too far.
I mean, I guess so.
But don't you think not kissing me is
a bit of an overcorrection.
I think that if you really like someone,
you try to not go too fast,
which is why when I met you,
I was inside you in the first five minutes.
On my bedroom floor, if I recall.
Yeah, we should do that again.
Wait, wait.
Okay.
So, what if I'm bound
on my kitchen floor after a home robbery?
You come in, you see the place is already ransacked,
but you're there to do the same thing,
so you can only take the only remaining thing of value.
Your wallet.
[Danny striking]
It's hot next time.
Yeah, next time.
As for now, are you gonna finish the job?
[couple kissing]
"Danny, I had an amazing time with you last night.
"Honestly, it was probably one
"of the best first dates I've had in a very long time.
"I hope this isn't too forward,
"but I would love to see you again tonight.
"Are you free for dinner?"
Isn't that amazing?
Amazing.
[upbeat music]
The day after a good first date is
always the most stressful.
In my personal experience,
only one out of every 10 great first dates ends
in something other than a ghosting.
I cannot tell you how many times I have had a date
where they ask me on a second date on the date
only to never hear from the motherfucker again.
And that is, because gay men are
people-pleasers and self-involved narcissists,
and they only care about that dopamine hit that you get
when you know someone wants to see you again.
They don't really care about your actual feelings.
And that is why I always proceed on a date
with the very healthy perspective
of "your a total piece of shit
"and I can't trust a thing that comes out of your mouth,"
and then it is on you to prove me wrong.
I appreciate your forwardness
and I would love to have dinner with you tonight.
How do you think I should bake in
a hint that I would like a first kiss?
He didn't kiss you yet?
No.
But you said it was a great first date.
- It was. - But he didn't kiss you.
Correct.
[Kyle laughing]
You're getting friend zoned.
[Kyle laughing]
Shouldn't you, and by you, I mean ChatGPT,
be drafting something
that I will inevitably have to throw out
and do myself from scratch?
I fucked him last season.
It was a whole thing.
[upbeat music]
[Joey] Do you ever see yourself
leaving New York?
The city?
I don't know.
If you had asked me 10 years ago,
I would've said, "Hell, no."
But I know lately I kind of want some space, some land,
maybe get a place to retire to.
I've been feeling the itch too.
Might be nice for the little pup.
Are you talking about me or the dog?
[Joey laughing]
It might be easier too on a dual income, you know?
[upbeat music]
See, Kyle, I'm not getting friend zoned.
Do you hold hands with your friends, Kyle?
Well, Kyle's in his twenties,
so he probably fucks all his friends,
but you know what I mean.
Well, there comes a time in my life
when I'm gonna have to just stop waiting for that
and go ahead and live it.
Something tells me you won't have to wait too long.
Well, this is me.
Yes, it is.
Around this weekend?
For you, yeah, absolutely.
Let's coordinate tomorrow.
Goodnight, handsome.
Is he waiting for marriage?
[upbeat music]
Like, if someone isn't texting me back,
I will wait a week, and then I'll send my standard,
"Hey, asshole, thanks for ghosting me,
"you immature piece of shit" message,
and then block them, because I'd like closure.
It's called maturity.
But this is...
I don't know what the fuck this is.
It's not ghosting.
It's...
[upbeat music continues]
All right, that's it.
You're going to bed without that,
but I'm expected to go to bed without my first kiss,
winky face.
Take that, motherfucker.
[Danny groaning]
♪ Mattie
[Danny groaning]
Well, well, well, what do we got here?
[Danny groaning]
It looks like someone already got to the place before me.
No TV, no computer...
I'll tell you what, bud.
I didn't come all this way for nothing.
[Danny groaning]
It looks like they left me something after all.
[phone ringing] [dog barking]
Did you order takeout?
[Danny mumbling]
Of course I didn't.
Is this some kind of gang-bang thing?
I don't know if I'm in the mood for that today.
I don't know who it is.
Untie me, you moron. [phone ringing]
[dog barking]
[upbeat music]
Hey, what's up?
Hey, sorry, I totally forgot something.
Can I come up just for a sec?
Sure.
Yeah, I haven't seen this guy's pics.
I don't know-- - Shut up and get in my room.
- What? - Hide, you whore.
This is my chance at love.
[door closing] [upbeat music continues]
[metal jiggling]
[door opening]
Wow, already dressed for bed, I see.
Yeah.
Did I take something of yours?
No, I just forgot to give you something.
[couple kissing]
It's our first kiss.
[Danny giggling]
Goodnight.
Wasn't that sweet?
Well, I'm pretty sure I'll never be hard again.
Oh, you have no sense of romance.
That is never gonna work.
Where the fuck do you think you're going?
I have never been less aroused in my entire life.
Do you want those?
[box opening]
Well, I see you know a mentally challenged toddler.
I went to some gay Halloween cookie decorating thing.
Well, now I've never been less aroused in my entire life.
Have them.
I really shouldn't be snacking.
Eat the fuckin' cookies!
Oh, I forgot something.
Sext me later, slut.
I'm gonna start using teeth.
[upbeat music] [couple kissing]
See, he was just a little bashful getting started.
He just needed a little prompting.
We just had a delightful evening of "Drag Race" and takeout.
And there was a little footsie,
a lot of eye contact,
a little bit of hands on thighs.
And so, I decided to force the issue by just mounting him.
And here we are.
And now...
And now I'm primed to be off the market
and live a life of cozy movie nights, long weekends upstate,
and being filled with so much cum that I just jizz-mata.
So, question, on a scale of one to 10,
where would you say your libido scores?
Nine.
11.
Okay, so full disclosure, mine is probably at a four.
[music stopping]
Ruh-roh.
However, I love pleasing my partner,
so I can always turn it on for him.
Okay.
But you should also know that I am a side.
A side?
Yes, that means I don't really care for penetrative sex.
I mean, I can definitely do it when my partner needs it,
but it's just not something I get pleasure out of.
So, like, every 5,000 miles, I get my oil changed?
Something like that.
Okay.
So, I have an indelicate question.
So, where would...
Where...
[Danny stammering]
Where does the dick go?
Yours or mine?
Yours.
Mine just kind of flops around
or gets smashed into a mattress.
[Joey laughing]
Well, a lot of places.
Your mouth if you want,
but getting head doesn't really get me off.
Does this guy like anything?
I consider myself a side, oral, service top,
which means you don't have to do anything to me
and I get all my pleasure out of making you feel good.
I mean...
I mean, that sounds promising.
Oh, I could eat you for hours.
Now that sounds very promising.
But it's getting late for tonight.
But if you're around tomorrow evening,
I've got several free hours.
Okay, well,
didn't see this on the bingo card for this year,
but I think I'm about to date a side.
[Mattie laughing]
- You? - Yes.
You are gonna date a side?
I like him.
[Mattie laughing] If only I didn't have to
fill up on as much anal as possible.
Why would you do that to yourself?
Sides are valid, Mattie,
so I have learned.
Not everyone discriminates
based on sexual preference, Mike Pence.
Dating sides is valid.
People date sides,
you cannot.
We have the same interests.
He makes me laugh.
He's handsome.
He's incredibly sweet.
We have the same love languages.
Your love language is anal.
[Danny striking] [Mattie groaning]
[Mattie laughing]
I am of a certain age.
You're 41.
Do not ever say anything like that to me again.
[Mattie laughing]
I am of a certain age, Mattie,
and dating is only getting harder.
And I don't wanna spend the rest of my life
having meaningless sex with a revolving door of guys.
I would like to fall in love again.
And I think that means it's time I grow up
and accept that I'm not going
to meet somebody who gives me everything I want.
I should probably just get as close as I can get,
take it as a win,
and, you know, take the offer on the table,
'cause there has not been anything
on the table in a long time.
Joey's on the table, so maybe it's time.
You don't strike me as the type of guy who'd settle.
I've had my fun.
I've been railed enough for several lifetimes.
I've been filled with so much Brazilian,
I could probably get dual citizenship.
[Mattie laughing]
We all settle in time.
It's probably my time.
[Joey moaning]
Could he prune from this?
[Danny sighing]
Guys, he wasn't joking around.
I mean, we're at, like, the 90 minute mark,
and he is good, he's really good, don't get me wrong,
but it's kind of like when you finish the appetizer
and you're sitting around wondering,
"Why hasn't the kitchen sent the main course yet?"
But it's something I can get used to.
Plus, you know, the benefits of Joey
far outweigh anything as trivial as sex.
You know, it's...
It's different,
but, you know, different isn't bad.
This is actually really big of me, honestly.
It's giving growth.
And as I get used to this new dynamic,
the bond I have with Joey's only gonna grow.
And eventually, you know, we'll fall in love.
And, well, at that point, you know what they say?
Love conquers all.
[Mattie moaning]
We broke up.
[Mattie moaning]
[upbeat music]
♪ It's a mutual attraction ♪
♪ It's a chemical reaction ♪
♪ But before we go any further
♪ Gonna have to work up a fervor ♪
[upbeat music continues]
♪ Do not buy a car before you drive it ♪
♪ Will not buy a bike before I ride it ♪