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我非常讨厌那个贱人 {pub}I am so sick of that stupid bitch.
爱说闲话 刻薄卑鄙 Blabbing, prissy little skank!
人们为什么用那种方式打电话 Why do people talk on the phone like that?
在那个贱人边走边掏出手机 I can't even get a minute of peace
并用那种方式打电话的时候 before that bitch walks in holding the cell phone out like this
简直会吵得我震耳欲聋 and talking on speakerphone.
你这个贱人 没人想听你打电话 Nobody wants to hear your goddamn conversations you little bitch,
根本没人关注你 you're not that important!
是啊 Yeah, no dude,
这是我一生中受过的最严重的伤 I'm telling you it was the worst pain in my entire life.
你们这些家伙打了多长时间了 How many hours were you guys playing?
六个小时了 伙计 Like six hours dude.
我的朋友们总是说 And my friends were all like 'dude
"Cartman 我们需要你的防守" Cartman we need you to keep playing defense.'
啊 啊 urhggh!
你们之前是在打橄榄球吗 You were playing football?
是的 但是我恐怕不能和你们一起玩了 Yeah but I was like, 'I can't you guys,
我脚踝扭伤了 I twisted my ankle'.
比赛最后 他们非常需要我 In the end though they really needed me to play
所以我带伤上阵 so I played through the pain.
知道我有多伟大了吧 Know what I'm saying?
事实不是那样的 That is not what happened
你受伤后就开始嚎啕大哭 阻止了比赛的正常进行 you totally started crying and quit the game!
Kyle 请尊重我的隐私 Kyle, this is a private conversation!
关掉你那该死的手机吧 Then take that shit off speakerphone!
是那个人吗 Is that that same kid?
是的 又是那个叫Kyle的家伙 Yeah it's that kid Kyle again.
他荷尔蒙分泌过多了 He's a total boner.
老是偷听我打电话 Always listening in on my phone calls.
你声音那么大 谁都听的见 How do we have a choice?
Kyle 不许你再偷听我打电话 Stop listening to my conversation Kyle!
你算老几 你以为你是国安局的吗 What are you, the NSA?
Lawrence 我之前是不是说到了 Lawrence, remember I was telling
政府如何监听每个人的电话 how the government listens to
和阅读每个人的邮件的 everyone's phone calls and reads all our emails?
是的 你是那样说的 Yeah, yeah you said that.
我老爸说过 政府有每个人的信息 My dad said the government keeps a data base on everyone.
-谁在说话 是Toby吗 -是的 - Who is that? Is that Toby? - Yeah.
Toby 你和Lawrence在一起吗 Dude, Toby are you over at Lawrence's?
我们在学校当苦力呢 Yeah we're ditching school.
什么 你刚说什么 You're what? What'd you say?
我和Toby在学校当苦力呢 Me and Toby are ditching school.
告诉你们吧 I'm telling you guys
政府会做他们想做的任何事情 the government thinks they can do whatever they want
我们一点隐私都没有 and we don't have any privacy anymore.
这话只能我们两个人知道 Just between you and me,
我觉得每个人都很笨 I think everyone is too stupid to see
根本不懂得政府这种行为的严重后果 what this is all leading to.
你读过乔治·奥威尔的《1984》这本书吗 Did you guys read 1984?
没有 I don't think so.
我也没读过 Yeah, I didn't read either
但是我在Casa Bonita看过木偶剧版的《1984》 but I saw the puppet show version at Casa Bonita.
我们得采取些行动 We have to do something about this.
我们得游行示威 We need to organize a rally.
那一定很酷 That'd be cool.
你说什么 That'd be what?
那一定很酷 It'd be cool.
直觉告诉我 我们应该举行一场盛大的游行示威 I know right, a big rally to tell the government
叫政府滚出我们的私人生活 to stay out of our private lives!
我会用邮件通知每个人 同时把这条消息挂在我的博客上 I'm gonna email everybody and put it up on my blog pages.
现在我感觉我在被政府监视 I seriously feel like I'm being spied on right now.
我确信政府很久以前就对我备案了 I'm sure the government has a file on me a mile long
所以我们有必要采取游行示威 that's why this is so important, you know?
别挂断 我得录一段视频上传到博客上 Hang on I'm gonna make a video blog
标题就叫 禁止监听我 for my 'Stop Listening To Me' website.
各位还好吗 我又来了 Wassup everybody it's me again just kickin' it at my school.
我们要举行一场游行示威 There's gonna be a big rally
警告政府禁止收集我们的私人信息 to tell the government to stop gathering information on us.
随后我会在微博上告诉你们具体细节 Gonna tweet you all the details
但是记得要保密哦 这可是最高机密 but keep it quiet cuz it's top secret.
你不会也要学我 更新博客了吧 You guys gonna update your blogs too?
伙计 我听不清你说话 Dude I can't really hear you Lawrence
你是在外面还是在哪儿 are you outside or something?
我说我收到你的信息了 I said I got your tweet of the address.
好的 让Toby跟我说话 Okay. Well, put Toby back on the phone you gotta start
你去安排具体的游行路线 googling everyone the directions to the rally site.
Toby 是你吗 Toby you there, bro?
是我 哥们 Yeah, I'm here bro.
哥们 你去把游行的事情告诉Dex Bro you gotta, um, email Dex about the rally
看他能不能准备一些请愿书 and see if he'll bring petition forms.
请您到别处去谈关于游行示威的事情 好吗 Will you please take your rally conversation somewhere else?
你他妈地又偷听老子打电话 Oh hell no you did not just invade my privacy again.
Kyle 老子忍无可忍了 That is the last straw Kyle!
所有人听着 Everybody!
嗨 所有人听着 Everybody, hey!
正如你们所知 Just so you know
我们学校可能有一名国安局的特工 we might have an NSA agent right here at our school.
什么是国安局 What's the NSA?
正如你们所知 Just so you know.
政府会监视每个人的行为 The government is watching everything you do.
一直都是如此 Always watching.
他们嘴上说是为了保证我们的安全 They say it's to keep us safe,
但是却是建立在牺牲我们安全的基础上的 but what price is safety, Kyle?
政府会监视我们的一举一动吗 The government watches everything we do?
有人吗 Hello?
嗨 政府你好 Hey government.
是我 It's me.
我是Butters Butters.
我想说的是 I just wanna say, wul,
感谢你所做的一切 谢谢你监视我 thanks for watchin' over me and doing everything you do.
也请你监视老妈老爸 And please watch over Mommy and Daddy.
以及我的朋友 Stan Kyle And my friends Stan and Kyle,
Craig 和 Token Craig and Token.
还有Eric Cartman And even ol' Eric Cartman.
虽然他有时候很刻薄 I know he can be a meany sometimes,
但是也请监视他 but please watch over him too.
政府 晚安 G'night government.
对了 Oh yeah!
谢谢你 奥巴马总统 And thank you President Obama
谢谢你让我感到如此安全 for making me feel so safe and looked after.
同时我有个小小的请求 And if it wouldn't be too much trouble,
我希望今年圣诞节得到一个小狗 I'd really like to get a puppy for Christmas this year.
晚安 政府 Night, government!
伙计 这一次他们玩得有点过火了 Dude they have gone too far this time!
毫无疑问 政府正在跟踪我 There is no doubt the government is tracking me.
我们得推迟这次游行了 We're gonna have to put off the rally.
政府在监视你 They're spying on you?
是的 没错 Yeah it's right here.
我以前上亚马逊浏览了一下汽车频道 I went to Amazon to see if they had grand theft auto five
但网站推荐说 and it says '
你可能也对蓝光版的《星际迷航》感兴趣 you might also be interested in the Blu-Ray for Star Trek.'
我的确对蓝光版的《星际迷航》感兴趣 I'm totally interested in the Blu-Bay for Star Trek.
除非政府在窃取我的私人信息 How did they know that unless
否则他们不会知道我的兴趣爱好 the government is keeping tabs on me?
政府太可恶了 This is war bro.
游行远不止表达我们的愤怒 Forget the rally.
我们应该爆政府菊花 We have to go hardcore.
具体怎么做 Like what?
好的 听着 Alright. Listen,
我打算潜伏进国安局 I'm gonna get a job at the NSA
然后我会在网上公开他们全部的秘密 and then I'm going to put all their secrets up on Twitter.
别这么做 Nah don't do that.
不 伙计 No dude,
我打算伪装成一个普通雇员 混进他们的总部 I'm gonna sneak into their headquarters disguised as an employee
我打算...Lawrence 稍等一下 and I'm gonna ... hang ... hang on a second, Lawrence.
我发现Nancy喜欢多管闲事 I think we have a nosey Nancy in the room.
伙计 我的微博账户可能被"和谐"了 Dude, my Twitter account might already be compromised.
如果我想成功潜入国安局 If I'm going to infiltrate the NSA
把他们的秘密公之于众 and get all their secrets out to the public
我需要一个比微博更好的工具 then I'm gonna need something better than Twitter.
你需要一个不用打字就可以发布信息的工具 You need that new thing where you don't need to type.
有什么比微博更好的工具吗 What they already something better than Twitter?
你没看过Alec Baldwin拍的那个广告吧 You haven't you seen the Alec Baldwin commercial?
是的 什么广告 No. What Alec Baldwin commercial?
你好 我是 Alec Baldwin Hello, I'm Alec Baldwin.
我非常喜欢社交软件 And I love social media.
但是有时我也偶尔转发一些关于反对同性恋的微博 But sometimes I accidentally tweet things that are homophobic.
我并不是那样想的 I don't think that way,
可是我也控制不住自己去发布那些微博 I just type that way.
那时我就意识到 That's when I realized,
不是我在反对同性恋 it wasn't me that was homophobic.
而是我的大拇指在控制着我 It was my thumbs,
我得摆脱大拇指的控制 and they needed to be gotten rid of.
啊 Dah!
啊 Dowwww!
所以问题是 So then the problem was,
我虽然没有了大拇指 I don't have thumbs,
但是我知道美国所有的人 but I know that everyone in America
还是非常希望我继续发微博的 still wants to hear everything I have to say.
没关系 Well, that's okay
因为现在有一个新的可穿戴设备 because now there's a device
可以直接把你头脑中的想法 that can actually take the thoughts in your head,
发送到互联网上 and send them directly to the Internet.
这就是 "微信" (Shitter是美国真实存在的发明, 准确翻译是"厕所卷纸") It's called Shitter.
在你的大脑中植入安全的天线 Wires are grafted harmlessly into your skull
你的任何想法 and any thought you have
都会上传到网上 is uploaded to the Internet
发送给你的粉丝们 and on to all your Shitter followers.
我现在在纽约洋基棒球馆 I'm at a Yankees game right now.
我太喜欢棒球了 God I love baseball.
那些在飞机上带猫的人都应该拉出去枪毙 People who take their cats on planes should be shot.
我正在看一场精彩的音乐会 I'm at a really great musical right now.
1992年 我与摩纳哥王妃发生了性关系 In 1992, I had sex with the Queen of Monaco.
我让她欲仙欲死 I had my entire fist up her ass.
不要让你的社交媒体 Don't let your social media slow down your need
延迟你与世界交流的速度 to communicate with the world.
快去使用这款设备吧 Go direct from thought to Internet with Shitter.
终于拍完广告了 Just finished my Shitter commercial.
是时候去舔菊花了 Time to do find a pussy sandwich.
各位 怎么了 Alright. Wassup everybody wassup.
我准备好去国安局做卧底了 I'm about ready to go to the NSA undercover
看看能否曝光他们的秘密 and see if I can expose some of their secrets.
你们可以关注我的"微信"中的 You can follow me on my Shitter account
话题 #政府远离我们的日常生活# at hashtag keepthegovernmentoutofmybusiness.com.
等等 Wait! Shh.
间谍来了 我得小心点 I gotta be careful.
Kyle在这里 我确信他要偷听我 Kyle is here and I'm pretty sure he's trying to listen in.
你究竟在搞什么 What the hell are you doing?
Kyle 我想说的是 Kyle, if you wouldn't mind,
此次推送只针对我的"微信"粉丝 this broadcast is for my Shitter followers only.
什么是"微信" What's Shitter?
我不告诉你 但是政府 Don't know if you've heard, but the government is
能够监视我们所有的邮件和微博账户 actually able to monitor all our emails and Twitter accounts.
有了"微信" 我再也不需要"中国移动"了 With Shitter, I don't even need a cel phone,
我的想法会直接发送到网上 my thoughts are sent directly to the Internet,
以及我"微信"上的每个好友 and then to everyone else on Shitter.
哇 Wow!
没错 Yes.
在我潜入国安局后 Now as I infiltrate the NSA
我可以向我的粉丝推送国安局所有的秘密 I'll be able to broadcast everything to all my Shitter followers.
你确定 要把你所有的想法都发布到网上吗 You're okay with everything you think going up on the Internet.
是啊 因为政府根本不尊重我的隐私 Yeah because the government won't respect my privacy!
"微信"有多少用户 How many people are on Shitter?
目前只有两个 Just two so far.
"小马哥" 和"小龙哥" Me and Alec Baldwin.
我打算去切尔西那两个同性恋经营的 I'm about to sit down and eat a sandwich
熟食店去吃些三明治 at this amazing deli run by two faggots in Chelsea.
哦 Oh kewl.
有时候我需要把这个设备卸下来 I'll have to try it out sometime. Lol.
1982年 在Mike Douglas(奥斯卡影帝)家的派对上 In 1982 I was at a party at Mike Douglas'house
我与Kim Basinger(奥斯卡最佳女配角)发生了关系 and I Kim Basinger.
哇 很酷嘛 Wow, that's cool.
她真的很美 She's cute, wink emoji.
我的天哪 Oh my God.
他们发现我了 Oh God they saw me.
他们看到我会愤怒的 They saw me and they're gonna be so angry.
也许他们根本没发现我 Maybe they didn't see me!
不 No,
他们什么都看见了 no they saw me,
唯独没看到我 they see everything.
我做了坏事 I did something really bad.
很坏很坏的事 Really, really bad.
下一位 Next!
哦 我的天哪 Oh God!
但是我的父母总是教育我 But my parents always told me,
如果你做了坏事 "if you do something horrible
你一定要告诉你的监护人 then you have to admit it to your protector
这样你才能得到宽恕 so that you can have forgiveness."
那些人是好人吗 Are these people nice?
你是指机动车辆管理局的这些人吗 DMV people?
他们是地球上最刻薄的人 There the meanest people on planet earth.
哦 天啊 Oh geez.
天啊 Oh God!
轮到我了 Here we go.
我对着一个侏儒吼叫了 I yelled at a midget.
我当时在看音乐电视 I was watching MTV,
这个侏儒在唱歌 and this little person was singing a song,
我觉得他的名字和同性恋有关 I think her name was pink
我非常不喜欢那个名字 and I didn't like the song
所以我吼他 滚出去 小矮人 and so I yelled 'hey get off TV you midget!'
我 and I, uh,
我当时在Barnes 和我妈妈在一起 I was at Barnes and nobles with my mom.
她当时在找一本书 And while she was looking for a book,
我在一本杂志上看到了Jennifer Lawrence(奥斯卡第一位90后影后)的照片 I saw this picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a magazine.
呃 我 Um, and I ... wul,
趁人不注意的时候 我把那张照片剪了下来 I cut the picture out of the magazine while no one was looking.
后面还有 There's more.
我把那张照片带回家 I took the picture home with me.
我用剪刀把Jennifer Lawrence的嘴剪了下来 And I ... I cut Jennifer Lawrence's mouth out with scissors.
然后我...对着那个洞洞 打飞机 And then I ... I put my wiener through the hole.
我也不知道为什么要那么做 I have no idea why!
我要怎么赎罪呢 How can I atone for it?
我早都把忠诚誓言说过50次了 I already said the pledge of allegiance 50 times!
我把国歌也唱了100次 And I sang 'my country tis of thee' a hundred times,
我把《美国达人》看了两遍 and I watched 'America's Got Talent' twice!
我还能做些什么 What else can I do?
为什么不把Living In Americas唱一千遍呢 Why not a thousand 'Living In Americas'.
好的 一定 Yes! Yes I will!
谢谢你 Oh thank you!
我一定会的 I will!
我感觉好多了 Oh I feel so much better already!
美国多美好 Livin' in America
眼对眼 eye to eye
手牵手 hand to hand
生机无所不在 across the nation smoke track fat back!
铁路绵延千里 Many miles of railroad track!
啊 啊 Say ow ow!
位于马里兰州的国安局总部
先生 需要帮助的吗 Can I help you sir?
是的 我是来应聘的 Yes, I'm here to apply for the NSA job.
好的 怎么称呼您呢 Alright. And your name?
比尔·克林顿(美国前总统的名字) Bill Clinton.
名单上没有您的名字 克林顿先生 I don't see you on the list, Mr. Clinton.
哦 肯定是工作人员的疏忽 但是国安局的高层一定会喜欢我的 Oh. Well, must be a clerical mistake, but they are expecting me.
如果你去过洛杉矶 If you're ever in Los Angeles
记得要看电影《鬼语者》 be sure to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Jennifer Lawrence会做三明治 She can make a pussy sandwich
好让那两个切尔西同性恋赚钱 that will give those faggots in Chelsea a run for their money.
怎么了 Patricia What have you got, Patricia?
长官 这个人说他是来应聘的 Uh, this man says he has an interview for a job, sir.
先生 我很优秀 我非常渴望这份工作 I am extremely qualified sir and very eager to work.
我曾经与Daryl Hannah发生过关系 I borrowed my brothers dick once to Daryl Hannah.
我确定面试日期是今天 I, uh, was sure the appointment was today.
是的 That's quite alright.
国安局需要你这样的"淫才" The NSA needs all the help it can get
跟我上楼 四处看看 come on upstairs and I'll show you around
看你能否胜任国安局的工作 see if you'll fit for the job.
先生 你好 {pub}Hello, sir.
我的同事和我正在走访这一带 My colleague and I are going sru the neighborhood
你是否想知道真相呢 and see if you like to know the truth.
当然 我喜欢探究真相 Sure I love the truth!
好的 我们来自耶和华见证会 Okay. We from the Jehovah's Witness
我们是耶和华见证会的教徒 我们相信 we are kingdom hall of Jehovah's Witness and we believe,
人们在用错误的方式理解圣经 sir that maybe people the interpret the Bible wong.
什么是耶和华见证会 What's a Jehovah's Witness?
先生 是的 我们相信 Yes sir, we believe the ... the truth.
我也曾像你一样不知道该信仰什么 I was once like you I not know what to believe
但是后来我信仰了耶和华 but then I let my provider Jehovah into my heart.
我的天哪 Oh my goodness.
封面上的这个小女身上着火了 Your little cartoon has a girl on fire!
是的 因为这是耶和华的审判 万物都会归于消亡 Yes, because Jehovah will bring judgment and all will perish,
就像这个女孩 会被火烧死 like the little girl will burn in the fire.
哦 女士 你不应该用这种方式 来传教的 Oh you shouldn't be handing out drawings like this, ma'am.
你知道吗 政府正在监视你 Don't you know that the government is watching you?
政府在监视我 The government watching me?
是吗 Whazze?
他刚说政府在监视我们 He said the government watching us.
现在吗 Right now?
有多长时间了 How long they been watching us?
我能问你一些事情吗 Can I ask you something?
你上一次去机动车辆管理局是什么时间 When was the last time you went to your local DMV?
我没去过那里 我连车都没有 I no go DMV. I don't have car.
哦 那你可以走到那里 Oh you can walk there.
相信我 你一定会去那里的 Trust me, you gotta go to the DMV, it's incredible.
我曾经也像你一样 See, I was like you once,
害怕 缺少信心 afraid, unsure,
做一些我不该做的 doin' stuff I shouldn't do
比如向人们展示小女孩的照片 like showing people pictures of little girls
并用火烧照片 with their heads on fire.
但是你知道我学到了什么吗 But you know what I've learned?
去机动车辆管理局吧 That just going to the DMV
释放我心灵中所有的黑暗 and letting go of all my wrong doings
让我变得愉悦 filled me with a joy I had felt nowhere else.
你想看一些机动车辆管理局的宣传册吗 Would you like to read some DMV literature?
这上面有很多相关的介绍 This'll tell you most of what you need to know about the DMV.
快去吧 But just go,
那里的人都很好 everyone there is really nice.
政府正在监视你们 Your government is watching you,
政府想让你们变得幸福 and your government wants you to be happy.
祝你们过的愉快 Have a nice day!
这边 bill Right this way, bill.
欢迎来到国安局主办公室 Welcome to the NSA main office.
是啊 Ah yes.
这就是政府调查公民隐私的地方 So this is where the government checks up on its citizens.
美国有很多人在国安局工作 There's a lot of people working here at the NSA.
人品端正 Good people.
他们只是想让美国变得安全一些 People who just want to keep America safe.
检查邮件和微博是为了找出潜在的问题 Only problem is checking all those emails, Twitter accounts
监听民众的手机 and surveilling all those phone calls
可以充分利用资源 can take a lot of manpower.
嗨 Joe Hey Joe.
Miller 你发现什么了 What'chyou got Miller?
在Albuquerque有一个24岁的男子 Got a 24-yearold male in Albuquerque.
他刚通过邮件告诉他老婆 He just emailed his wife
让她在下班后去一下商店 and asked if she could go to the store after work.
然后他办理了一张健康中心的会员卡 Then he called a fitness center to set up a membership.
他很喜欢那家健康中心 He liked the fitness center
所以他发微博让他的朋友们也去试一试 so he tweeted his friends that they should try it out.
好的 继续盯着他 Alright, keep an eye on him.
有变化 立即通知我 Let me know if anything changes.
遵命 Will do.
这都是国安局里一些没完没了的苦差事 It's a never-ending grind here at the NSA,
看起来我们需要更多的特工来 and it seems there's never enough detectives
跟踪每一个人 to keep track of everyone.
军士 你发现什么了吗 Sergeant! What have you got, Lawson?
一个17岁的女子去了Jacksonville市 Got a 17-year-old female down in Jacksonville.
她给她的朋友打电话 She called her friend and asked if
问她是否想去看电影《Percy Jackson》 she wanted to go see the Percy Jackson movie.
之后她在邮件中问她妈妈工作怎么样 Then she emailed her mom at work at asked if it was okay.
她妈妈说很好 The mom said yes,
并告诉她丈夫 but called her husband first to make sure
晚饭还没做好 there weren't already dinner plans.
很好 继续盯着他们 Alright, keep an eye on all three of 'em.
遵命 Will do.
如果你喜欢这样的工作 If you think you've got the stomach for it
我们一定会为你提供机会的 年轻人 then we could definitely use your help, young man.
长官 你得看看这个 Sir, you might wanna go check this out.
发现什么了 What have you got?
一个32岁的披萨派送员 32-year-old pizza delivery man.
他刚才在他的微博上说 He just put on his Twitter account
他讨厌美国 他想要破坏林肯纪念碑 that he hates America and wants to blow up the Lincoln memorial.
现在是下午4点 16 pm,
国安局主管去问嫌疑犯问题 the chief asked me to join him
他希望我可以协助他 as he went to question the possible suspect.
我同意了 I agreed to go along.
希望国安局没有发现我的真实意图 Hopefully the NSA has no idea of my secret intentions.
啊 Lol
原来是国安局的人 well, well the NSA.
我早该意料到了 I should have known.
我们需要谈谈你的微博内容 We want to talk to you about some tweets you've been tweeting.
嗨 哥们 我可正在气头上 Hey man I was just blowing smoke.
告诉我 政府凭什么 Say what right does the government have
偷窥我的隐私 reading my private emails anyway?
宪法的权威何在 Haven't you squares ever heard of the constitution?
我们当然明白 Yeah we've heard of that.
我们也听过 独立宣言 We've also heard of the declaration of independence.
有很多人都像你一样 有相同的想法 See, there's a lot of people out there who think like you.
他们认为政府没有权利 People who think their government doesn't have the right
偷窥公民的隐私 to go around poking their noses in the emails of its citizens
直到911事件中 that is until a plane flies into a couple towers
一个小女孩失去了生命 and a little girl loses her life.
你想要生活在一个自由的世界 You wanna live in the land of the free and home of the brave,
但是世界却不会因你而自由 but the brave can't be free if the land isn't home
只要那些心怀叵测的人还在 and that land won't be home so long as
还想着毁灭美国 folks out there want to take that American flag and shove it
这个世界就不会安宁一天 so far up your anus that you crap stars and stripes
我可不敢保证有一天敌人来复仇的时候 for a week and as your sittin' there on the toilet with the star
你还可以安心坐在马桶上 spangled montezuma's revenge there's one thing I can guarantee
那又怎么样 yeah, what's that?
那时候你就不会关心谁偷窥你的微博了 You won't care who's checking your Twitter account then.
我从没想过有这档子事 I never thought of it that way.
我在化妆间里 与Jack lemmon的化妆师发生了关系 I fucked Jack lemmon's makeup girl in a porta potty.
你好 Craig Hello, Craig!
你想不想知道真相 How would you like to know the truth?
什么真相 The truth about what?
我们正在附近做调查 We're just goin' through the neighborhood
看看你是否真心爱戴政府 and seeing if you've accepted the government into your heart.
一点也不 Uh no, I don't think so.
先生 我们想分享一下我们在机动车辆管理局的经历 Yes sir my colleague and I ... we want to share our experience at DMV.
我们在机动车辆管理局坦白了我们 We went to DMV and we admit to
所有的缺点和罪孽 以及内心的波动 all our shortcoming and sins and a big tidal wave of a peace and
sherinity安抚了我们的心灵 sherinity went over our soul and touch our heart.
好吧 Okay.
Craig 一旦我向政府坦白一切 You see Craig, once I came clean with the government,
我再也不用隐瞒任何事了 I no longer had anything to hide.
之后我获得了久违的平静 你之前了解机动车辆管理局吗 Then I found peace. Have you read any DMV
不了解 uhhh no.
Craig 这里面有很多有趣的故事 Wul there's a lot of interesting stuff in here Craig,
甚至有一些奥巴马总统的引述 there's even some quotes from President Obama.
请你大声把它读出来 Could you read this part out loud?
机动车辆管理局是基于纳税人的钱 同时可以确保效率 "Your local DMV is funded by your tax dollars to be efficient
和@#￥% and ****.
是的 Yeah.
你觉得奥巴马总统说的那个词是什么意思 What do you think President Obama means when he says that?
我不清楚 I have no idea.
我们认为奥巴马想说的是 Well, we believe that
政府很爱你 如果你向政府敞开心扉 he means the government loves you. And it wants to forgive you
政府一定会宽恕你的 if you just let the government into your heart.
是的 先生 我过去也像你一样到处 Yes sir, see I use to be like you I go around sending the
发垃圾邮件 流氓短信 黄色图片 nasty email send the nasty text put up the nasty pictures
但是后来我意识到这些不良记录会永远存在 on my nassy Facebook. But then I realize all of these
因为政府对这些都做了备案 they live forever because government keep a file on us.
这些都存在了政府的云服务器上了 So all that live forever up in what they call the cloud.
先生 如果政府把这些备案上传到了云服务器上 If the government, sir, if they gonna put that file in the cloud
我确定我可以使那些不良记录 then I wanna make sure I come clean about the bad ones maybe
永远消除掉 get those things off my record off the cloud.
云服务器上的所有东西都会永远保存 Because we live forever, in the cloud.
呃 Craig 你完全听懂了吗 Uh huh. Did you follow all that Craig?
我可听得晕头转向 I don't really think I followed all that.
我成功了 我成功潜伏进了国安局 I've done it. I've infiltrated the NSA
并且获得了他们的信任 and gained their trust.
目前我还没搞清楚 So far I have not ascertained
他们是用什么手段记录全国的每个人的私人信息的 how they are able to keep track of everyone in the country.
但是已经接近了 我不希望在我曝光他们的秘密之前 But I'm close, very close. I just hope that I'm not found out
被一些告密者破坏了我的好事 as a whistleblower before I'm able to expose their entire
那是什么声音 what is that voice?
我脑子里那个小家伙的想法 Some little faggot in my head.
嗨 嗯 在我监视民众邮件和通话的时候 Hey so um, as I'm going through people's emails and
我应该从哪里先入手呢 phone calls, um, how do I know which people to start with?
很简单 每个人都有一个备案 Pretty simple. Everyone has a file.
我们的目标是那些 People who have a status of threat, possible threat or
有威胁或潜在威胁的那些人 person of interest are the ones we really want to look at.
我们对他们关注的越多 他们的备案也就越多 The more we pay attention to them, the bigger their file
真的吗 really?
那你们一定有Eric Cartman的备案了 Uh, that is-uh, you must have a pretty big file on Eric Cartman.
他所有的博客和邮件也都被你们看过了吧 All his blogs and emails have been watched for quite some time.
Jarvis 我们有没有Eric Cartman的备案 Jarvis, what have we got on an Eric Cartman.
有人备案Eric Cartman了吗 Any files on Eric Cartman?
有的 关于他的身份 Oh yeah, we tracked him for a little bit
我们只记录一些 他很胖 没有威胁 but central computer designated his status fat and not important
相信我 他一点都不胖 他很重要 uh trust me, he's not fat and unimportant.
我觉得我们需要更改一下他的备案 I think we need to change his status to ripped and sweet.
打扰一下 Excuse me.
我发现了一个威胁国家安全的信息 Excuse me, there is a very important threat to national security.
我们需要更改Eric Cartman的记录 We need to change Eric Cartman's
《冰与火之歌》总是让人忍不住打飞机 and that's when I masturbated to game of thrones.
我也知道打飞机是不对的 I know it was wrong to masturbate
打飞机对人体有害 and I know it was especially wrong to masturbate
怎么... what the ...
那些人为什么来这里 why do these people keep coming here?
我决定再也不看《冰与火之歌》了 But I am done forever with game of thrones.
下一位 Next please!
谢谢你 Thank you!
呀 Yay!!!!
恭喜你 你感觉怎么样 Congratulations, brother! How do you feel?
我感觉相当好 I feel really good.
哇 那些人看起来是在自娱自乐嘛 Wow! Those people over there seem like they're having fun.
我实在想不出除了机动车辆管理局 我还能去哪儿 I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be, then at the DMV with
有你们这些人陪伴真好 让我们一起念忠诚誓言 all you wonderful people! Now let's all pledge allegiance!
我保证 I pledge allegiance
向美国国旗保证 to the flag! Of the united
究竟发生什么事了 这里可是机动车辆管理局 what the hell is going on here? This is the DMV!
这里可不是闹着玩的 There'll be no joy here!
他们正在向我们忏悔他们做过的坏事 uh, people keep showing up and telling us what they did wrong.
我只是想更换一下我的驾照 Hey I'm just trying to renew my license.
我等的花儿都枯了 How much longer I gotta wait?
闭嘴 Shut up!
坐在那里 老实等着 Sit there and wait and no cel phones or other things
机动车辆管理局 面露喜色 that pass time joyously!
我要制止这一切 I'm gonna put a stop to this.
听着 我认为你犯了一个巨大的错误 {pub}Look, I am telling you that you are making a huge mistake.
Eric Cartman会是国安局的噩梦 Eric Cartman is the NSA's worst nightmare.
电脑上可不是这么记录的 Not according to the central computer.
电脑被驴踢了 The central computer is wrong.
你需要进行更改 You need to change it.
抱歉 如果电脑认为他不具有威胁 Sorry, but if central computer says
我们也只能如实记录 he's not a threat then we can't do anything.
你不会做些什么吗 这可是国安局啊 Can't do anything? You're the NSA.
美国有3亿多人 There's 300 million people out there.
你知道我们怎么记录下 How do you think we're able to keep track of every single
每一个人的私人信息吗 person in this country?
你知道我们怎么能够知道每个人在干什么吗 How do you think we're able to really know who is doing what?
我不清楚 I don't know.
好吧 我展示给你看 不过这可是最高机密 Alright, I'll show you. But this is very top security stuff.
一旦民众知道我们是如何做的 那么每个人都会山寨我们的 Because if people knew how we did it, then everyone would do it.
我们的敌人也会这么做 Then our enemies would do it.
我们不能让敌人接触到这些信息 We can't let our enemies get their hands on this.
哪些信息 Get their hands on what?
这就是我们判断一个人是否具有威胁的方法 This is how we know who's a threat and who's not.
这样我们可以知道谁睡了 谁醒着呢 How we know who is sleeping, and who's awake.
我们也可以知道... How we know ...
你现在还觉得我是一个又胖又无足轻重的人吗 you think I'm fat and unimportant now?
我就是Eric Cartman 我要告诉你 I am Eric Cartman! And I've got news for you.
我所看到的都已经通过"微信" This is all being broadcast live on my Twitter zeppelin
传到网络和电视上了 and on Alec Baldwin's new television show via Shitter!
嗨 各位 欢迎收看我的新节目 Hi everybody and welcome to my new show on MSNBC,
跟随Alec Baldwin自由出入 "Free Pass With Alec Baldwin"
你们的秘密已经被曝光了 your secret is out NSA!
现在所有的人都已经知道你们对圣诞老人做了什么 And now that everyone knows what you're doing to Santa you can
你们要完蛋了 you can kiss your problem goodbye.
你们本有机会发现我真实身份的 You should have taken me down when you had the chance.
现在所有人都已经知道了真相 Now everyone knows the truth.
每个人都会觉得我超级酷 And everyone's gonna think I'm super cool.
亲爱的Eric 怎么了 Eric, honey, what's the matter?
没起到作用 妈妈 It didn't work, mom.
我潜入了国安局 曝光了他们的秘密 I infiltrated the NSA and I was a whistleblower and I thought
我以为人们会很关心政府的那些秘密 everyone would be super pissed off at what I exposed about the
但是根本没人关心 government, but nobody cares! Nobody cares that the government
没人关心政府做了什么 is listening in on everything. Nobody cares that Santa Claus
也没人关心圣诞老人被挂在一个恐怖的机器上 hooked up to a big horrible machine!
亲爱的 我知道国安局在折磨圣诞老人 I know that the NSA is torturing Santa, sweetie,
但是这样他们就可以保证我们的安全了 but they're keeping us safe.
你还是不是我妈妈了 说话这么难听 No, now you just sound like everybody else!
亲爱的 会没事的 Honey, it's okay.
不是的 It's not going to be okay
因为现在我成了 斯诺登第二 了 because now I'm a whistleblower against my country
我得到俄罗斯去避难了 and I'm gonna have to hide out in Russsiaaaaaa.
不 你没必要飞往俄罗斯 No, you don't have to fly to Russia hon.
一切都会没事的 No, it'll be fine.
要不要我为你泡一些柠檬茶 How about I make you some hot tea with lemon and codeine?
好吧 Okay.
妈妈 我现在只想喝柠檬茶 I just want hot tea and codeine, mom.
好的 亲爱的 Okay hon!
你好 你想不想知道真相呢 Hello. How would you like to know the truth?
Butters 你他妈在说什么 The fuck are you talking about Butters?
Eric 别再纠结了 It's time to let go, Eric.
你没得选 Don't you see there's no other way?
只能向政府敞开心扉 Just let the government into your heart.
Butters 你来的太晚了 It's too late for me, Butters.
我得去俄罗斯了 和那些共产主义者生活在一起 I have to go to Russia and live with the commie dwarves.
现在还不晚 有一个地方你可以去 It's never too late. There's a place where you can start over
这是什么 what's this?
政府监听你不是为了惩罚你 Your government doesn't listen in on you to punish you.
政府只是想让你坦白你的过错 Your government just wants you to be honest about your mistakes.
政府会原谅我吗 I can be forgiven?
会原谅我所做的坏事吗 For everything bad I've ever
会的 yes.
每次我犯错的时候 我都需要去这个地方 And then all I have to do is go back to this place every time
并且承认错误 我会再次被原谅吗 I do something wrong and admit it and I'm forgiven again?
会的 That's right.
很酷嘛 That's pretty cool.
又有一个伙伴加入了我们 We've got a new member today!
Eric Cartman 你爱你的祖国吗 Eric Cartman, do you love your country?
我爱 I do!
你敢向国旗宣誓吗 Do you pledge allegiance to the fly?
我宣誓 I pledge it!
我发自肺腑地宣誓 I fucking pledge that allegiance!
哈利路亚 Hallelujah!
需不需要我们把他们撵出去 You want us to kick them out of here?
不 No.
这似乎是一个好的变化 人们在这里都很快乐 No leave them alone. It's a nice change to see people
也许我们也可以做出一些改变 happy to be at the DMV. Perhaps we here at the DMV can
我们可以给他们舒适感 让他们充满希望 start changing as well. Perhaps instead of treating
而不是粗暴的对待 people badly, we can offer them comfort and hope.
为什么 因为人们来这里是来忏悔的 Why, the DMV can be a place where people come to get things
同时也应该让他们明白他们 off their chest, confess, yes, but also be told that they're
在这个世界上的价值 worth something in this world. And then DMV's everywhere can
这里应该让人们感到安全 become a place where people feel safe.
他们犯错了 我们可以提供救赎 And when they do something wrong, we can offer forgiveness.
你们知道这会产生什么影响吗 Don't you see what this could lead to?
你知道我们的新角色吗 Don't you see what we could become?
机动车辆管理局今天倒闭了 The DMV was shut down today after rampant allegations of sex
因为这里的男孩子身上充斥着色情 with young boys. The heads of the DMV were
管理层被带到局子里调查 directed and the director said hey, it came with the territory.
随着机动车辆管理局的倒闭 所有的美国人 With the dvm shut down, all Americans are being asked to
只能在邮局里忏悔了 confess wrong doings at the post office.
根据最新消息 由于在男孩子之间迅速蔓延的色情 We've just received word that the U.S. postal service has been
导致了美国邮政服务的瘫痪 shut down due to rampant allegations of sex with young boys.
现在看起来 It now appears that the only
唯一可以信任 可以向其忏悔的的地方 people who can be trusted with confessions and guidance
就是你们当地的新闻电视台了 is your local news station.
随后的WMZ News将会由 一个小男孩 来播送 WMZ News will be back in a young boy.
谢谢观看 MEIZU MX3 让梦想与众不同