These houses all look the same to me.
That"s because... they are all the fucking same!
Is it me or is it "The Telegraph" crossword?
Is what you or "The Telegraph" crossword?
Lt"s getting difficult.
Is it more difficult to do or is my ability to do it lessening?
Probably a bit of both, Freddie.
It can"t be "anal", can it?
No, dear. Not on "The Telegraph"!
Your handwriting is a disgrace. I can hardly read this, can I?
Is this the address that he gave you?
Yeah. That"s what it says. It"s where we picked him up!
You want some of this?
Dirt bag!
God! Who on Earth could that be at this time?
- L"ll go, dear. - No, no, no. L"ll get it.
L"m afraid you"ve got the wrong house.
- How would you know that now? - L"ve told you.
Now take your foot out of the door or I shall have to call the police.
Listen up, major, we"ve come to see Stanley Kubrick.
There"s no one of that name here. Good night.
Who are you? The butler?
No, l"m not the bloody butler.
Go tell your master Mr. Kubrick that we have come to see him.
- Mister who? - Kubrick.
The famous film director.
- Never heard of him. - Stanley has been a frequenter...
of a club that we and some associates run over in King"s Cross, all right?
He"s run up a bloody big bar bill of 200 quid last Thursday...
and he borrowed one hundred in Nelsons.
- Nelsons? - Nelson Neddies.
Reddies, cash, squire.
Cash is what the poor people use instead of credit card, you sawy?
There"s no man of that name here.
And there are no reddies, no Nelson Eddies. So...
We know he lives here! Well, enough of this.
We know he lives here because we picked him up from here!
Steven, if you please.
- He owes us money! - And he"s hiding in there!
For the last time, button it, you two!
What a wonderful drawing!
And such inovative design.
Good designs are as rare today...
as good scripts, please, believe me.
Are they?
Do you mind if I join you?
Please.
Thank you. That"s very kind.
L"ve been at the film studios in a production meeting all day.
I just had to have a drink on the way home.
I just had to. Would you?
No. Not just now, thanks.
May I?
Yes, please.
- Are these your designs? - L"ve put together a new collection.
L"m very impressed. It"s very... original.
That is a charming suit.
L"d be very proud to wear a suit like that.
You must be very successful.
L"ve got designs being considered by knit wear company in Huddersfield...
and there"s a boutique in Brighton very interested in my jackets.
There"s a man in Margaret Street who thinks my trousers are so exciting.
- He does? - Yes, he just loves them.
And so he should, my friend. So he should.
- L"m sorry, what is your name? - L"m Rupert. Rupert Rodnight.
And l"m quite exceptionally pleased to meet you.
Good. Thank you.
I didn"t catch your name.
Stanley.
Stanley Kubrick.
Stanley Kubrick?
What? Stanley Kubrick, the film director?
Yes, unless there is another one.
There you are, Stanley. Another triple brandy.
Thanks, you are a sweetie.
And l"ll reciprocate this kindness as soon as l"ve...
been to the bank and sorted out all these damn stolen credit cards.
No, it"s not a problem, honestly.
It is. Such graciousness cannot go unrecognized.
Do you know? L"ve never designed the costumes for a film before.
I mean, any film.
This portfolio of yours convinces me that only you could do it.
I think this is gonna be the happiest relationship...
l"ve ever had with a costume designer.
You haven"t told me the title yet.
It"s catchy. It"s called "Designer Death". It"s about...
a male model who stumbles upon a murder.
And designing his wardrobe is what I want you to do.
We shoot on location there on Pinewood Studios.
Have to be with me the whole time.
It"s a challenge.
No. The whole time.
Sorry, but I feel so much more relaxed now.
Can I get you another Spitzer?
No, no, I still got some left.
Ah, such a nice apartment.
And very cheap.
My people rented it for me under an assumed name...
so I could be nearer to the studio...
l"m building in Wealdstone.
But, Rupert, you mustn"t tell anyone about that. You mustn"t.
Oh, no, no. It"s an absolute secret with me.
I knew it would be.
Now we"re working, of course, very feverishly on the script.
But I have to get you a hardcopy...
so you can start designing for specific scenes.
By the way, do you have an agent?
No, l"ve always handled myself.
I used to handle myself...
but now I prefer letting someone else do it.
You don"t always have the choice, do you?
We don"t always have the choice.
L"m going to take you under my wing...
and l"m going to make sure that nobody handles you...
except myself.
I need to speak to Mr. Kubrick!
I need to see Mr. Kubrick! Where is he?
I need justice!
I need the justice and the satisfaction that is due to me!
I want this Stanley Kubrick!
Come on, sir. Come along with us, please.
Calm down.
Just get in the car! Thank you.
He alone was going to finance and produce my "Virginia Woolf".
I turned all the other backers away.
I told my friends, the cast...
"Mr. Kubrick"s behind me".
Yes, l"m a personal friend!
Yes, a personal friend of Stanley Kubrick.
I need to contact him.
The number I have for his home seems to be out of order or something.
How can you not have heard of him? He"s a famous movie director!
Yeah. "2001 - Spacey Odissey", "The Shining"...
What else? "Doctor Strangelove", "Clockwork Orange"!
"Full Metal Jacket", you must have heard of that!
So the band is playing this gig up in Camden.
This guy comes up to me and starts trying to tell me how good they are.
Then he tells me who he is.
Stanley Kubrick, the film director.
- Stanley "fucking" Kubrick! - Fuck me!
Exactly. Amazing. So, anyway, we get chatting...
and Stanley says how he can help us. You know, help the band.
Who would"ve thought Stanley Kubrick was into heavy metal, then?
So he said "When is the next gig?" I told him about this one at Roxxy.
- And he wanted to come? - Right.
So I said we"d pick him up, ferry him out there.
He"s got a big apartment in Little Venice.
- That"s where we"re collecting him. - Pretty smart address.
The guy"s loaded...
but more important than that: He"s got the contacts.
You see, normally, l"d have this address in...
Belgravia. And what l"d do, you see, is that...
the people I was meeting, very important people.
L"d give them this address and they"d come by to pick me up...
at a very specific time.
And when they got there...
l"d be sitting on the front steps...
pretty as a picture. You see?
It always worked.
- Nothing here now, dear. - They thought it was my house.
Simple.
But then the neighborhood started to go downhill.
Arabs, blacks, all sorts of riff-raff.
Obviously, I couldn"t find myself associated with those people...
so I decided to find somewhere a little more media-ish.
You know, a little more me.
Little Venice.
You didn"t tell him you used to make a few pirate tapes...
of "Clockwork Orange", up at Camden, did you?
Shut up, Toby.
- You see the numbers? - L"ll slow down, have a squint.
He"ll probably invite us up for drinks.
L"ve never met anyone like Stanley Kubrick.
It"s flat 8.
Right. Flat 8.
Gentlemen, over here!
Here I am! Over here
You simply must forgive me! You simply must!
L"ve been talking over old creative differences with Marlon!
The trouble with Marlon is he thinks he"s Brando.
He would not let me go! Simply wouldn"t!
That"s all right, Stanley! Good to see ya!
Very good to see you, Spencer! Very good indeed!
This is Toby! He"s the co-manager of Exterminating Angels!
We"re working together!
- Very good to see you, Toby! - Pleased to meet you, Mr. Kubrick!
Stanley, please.
So, what movie are you working on now, Stan?
It is a science fiction comedy-drama...
Iove affair, caper movies, set in the future.
Sounds great. What"s it called?
"All Night Prescriptions".
Wacky title. "All Night Prescriptions".
So, who have you got in it, Stan?
L"ve still got the casting to do.
Madonna wants in, but I told her, "Madonna"...
I told her, "Madonna, darling, stick to the day job: The singing".
Jack Nicholson wants in to, but I said to him, "Jack...
you know what the protocol is.
L"ve got to offer it to Harrison Ford first".
And little Tommy Cruise would like a part, and I said to him "Perhaps"...
over breakfast this morning at the Savoy.
Jesus! Some line-up, Stan!
Now, boys, in this next movie...
a metal rock group plays a very important part.
That"s where Exterminating Angels comes in.
I need an unknown group...
but one possesses star quality.
Exterminating Angels are your lads, Stanley.
They"ve got everything it takes.
Well, then you should listen, shouldn"t you?
Well, I presume that"s what you"re supposed to do, or am I mistaken?
I am a personal friend of Stanley Kubrick!
Yes, that"s who I am!
And one word from Mr. Kubrick...
and you would be out of a job, you stupid little man!
Back in a few, boys.
- We"ve got it fucking made! - I know.
I can actually see Exterminating Angels becoming a phenomenon.
That"s for sure.
If we haven"t got phenomena potential, then I don"t know who has.
Either of you boys have any cash on you?
I seem to have left my Laser Platinum...
no-limit American Express VIP card at home.
Sure, Stan. How much do you want?
Enough for some cigarretes and a drop of vodka...
for my throat irritation.
Here"s twenty. Keep the change.
Rich people never have any cash on them, do they?
- I mean, it"s vulgar. - They don"t.
But that, Toby, my old son, has got to be the best fucking 20 quid...
we"ve ever invested in our whole fucking lives!
Fucking Stanley fucking Kubrick, man!
- Don"t do that in front of him. - So what?
Either of you boys crave a taste?
No, it"s all right, Stan. Not while l"m at the wheel.
All the way from Acton, West London...
the one and only Exterminating Angels!
Boys, I believe Exterminating Angels...
will become a coast-to-coast sensation in America.
But we have to be careful how we play it...
because you do not get a second chance...
to make a first impression on the great American public!
You fucking ass!
I knew l"d get a hold of you one day, you fucking "great doctor"!
Hold on!
You"ve had it. You have tons of money! Fuck it!
- Wait. You"re way out of it, Pilgrim! - Oh, yeah? Let me at him!
We"re not having anyone talking like that to our guest!
"Our guest!" Oh, I pray you, tell, why on Earth fucking not?
Because he"s our fucking guest...
and "cause he"s Stanley fucking Kubrick, that"s why.
No, he fucking ain"t! He ain"t Stanley Kubrick!
He"s a fucking conman called Alan Conway...
and he owes my band 200 fucking quid which he don"t have it!
What?
I wanna drag him out!
You"re fucking joking! There he is!
You wanker!
You fucking Conway!
Never had a famous film director in my cab before.
Well, thank you for a very pleasant chat.
Deepak, you"ve got my number, so there"s no excuse not to call.
My idea is to start you off on some standing role...
and then gravitate toward some small speaking roles.
Over the moon, I am!
Now, you need to wait for me a couple of minutes.
L"m gonna run in and borrow some cash off my son.
L"m going to leave here in the back my Louis Vuitton shoulder bag...
which Louis himself personally gave me, for your piece of mind.
- There"s no need to do that, Mr... - Ah! I insist.
You say he was ordinary looking, average height...
and to that, we can add that he calls himself Stanley Kubrick.
He cost me 40 quid. 40 fucking quid!
Okay, sir.
Now, we can go formal, and you can give us a statement...
and while you"re doing that...
l"ll get one of my PCs to verify the road-worthiness of your vehicle.
Or... We can call it a night.
Damn it!
You know, Sean, I don"t mind you staying here...
but you really must learn how to tidy up after yourself.
And I do not like your dirty knickers and socks in the kitchen sink.
There"s a laundro down the road.
Yeah, keep your wig on, Stanley.
- Did you see this here in the paper? - What in the paper?
About this serial gay killer who"s going all over London and killing?
No, what about it?
Well, it says he murdered someone last night over in Tennyson Road.
Tennyson Road? But that"s just at the end here.
You got any fairies at your garden?
No.
Perhaps he might be paying you a visit next.
What"s the world coming to, eh?
When a bloke can"t go around, minding his own business...
commiting acts against nature...
without running the risk of bumping into a homicidal maniac?
Too right.
I know him very well.
Of course, he left his calling card in "2001- Spacey Odissey", but...
- none of us recognized it. - 2001?
Yes, HAL computer. ???? ...
Positively Danny Debonair, with that voice.
That"s why he killed the astronaut.
Wanted to be alone with the other beef cake.
What"s he working on now, Kubrick?
He"s doing a remake of that Julie Christie film, "Darling".
And she"s a boy this time.
They wouldn"t let John Schlesinger get away with that in the 1960"s.
It sounds captivating.
It is, dear. Very captivating.
L"ve got a rather juicy part in it. So it"ll be good-bye soaps for "moi".
Well, they do say in Hollywood the only way to the top...
is through the bottom.
- L"m a friend of Stanley Kubrick. - I couldn"t hear that.
- Stan and I were talking about you. - Really?
Yeah. Come meet Stan.
I want to get into films, sir. I really do.
Well...
He"s straight. I think it"d be worthy.
To advance his career.
Do you like them straight?
That"s the attraction, eh?
"Dear Mr. Kubrick...
I would like to alert you to an impostor who uses your name...
"Stanley Kubrick"...
as a cover for his wicked actions.
His real name is Alan Conway.
I first met him in Marseille last year...
when I was working as a rent boy.
Conway recks people"s lives...
and has no moral conscience."
All yours, my friend. Now, that will be...
£16.20.
And you won"t mind a check, of course, Mordecai?
Oh, no, no, no. You live around the corner.
Advice.
You were gonna give me some. The amateur rock group that I manage.
Mordecai, it"s tricky, you see?
Rock is the single most treacherous area for the show biz entrepreneur.
As a matter of fact, when I was in L. A...
I had to sort out some really sticky problems for Bruce.
What Bruce?
Springsteen.
Why don"t you come around my house tomorrow evening, say eightish...
and we"ll discuss it fully then.
Got you.
Will be there.
There"s Stanley. Stanley!
- How are you? - How are you, Jasper?
L"d like you to meet Oliver, my lawyer.
Oliver, Stanley Kubrick.
Very great honor to meet you, Mr. Kubrick.
No, Stanley, please. You know, that "Mr." puts years on me!
Sure.
Shall we repair to the "salle privé", where we can talk in private?
Show me the way to the "salle privé"!
Excellent.
- Figgy? - Sir?
- Bottle of champers. - Coming out.
When you told me you lost your Limited Edition Mont Blanc pen...
that Tom Cruise had given you...
I thought the very least I could do was to replace it.
Shall I open?
Oh, my God, that is perfect! That is absolutely perfect!
Oh, Jasper, l"m so touched!
L"m too kind!
Oh, l"m so pleased that you"re pleased, Stanley.
It"s wonderful! Look at that!
Do you have the receipt?
So... You"re not feeling yourself?
He didn"t say he wasn"t feeling himself.
He said he wasn"t himself. He was somebody else.
Since when? And who?
Didn"t say.
To me, he"s Alan Conway. To you, he"s Alan Conway.
Yes, but to him, he"s not Alan Conway.
- Who is he, then? - What I said was...
l"m not who you think I am.
Didn"t I say that?
Alan Conway is merely a name I use when l"m here.
Not only here. In the shop, also.
Here.
When l"m here, in Wealdstone.
When l"m staying here, here about.
Why is that, then?
I suppose that at times I grow quite disgusted by the razzle-dazzle...
noise and glitz of the showbiz.
And at times, I must concentrate on what is truly important in my life...
my work.
And I must be undisturbed.
This is my hideaway...
my space for inner tranquility.
Very nice.
So, who are you? If you"re not Alan Conway?
L"m Stanley Kubrick, the film director.
- Stanley... - Kubrick?
How long have you been him then?
L"ve always been him. I am him.
L"m also Shirley Bassey"s agent...
which is why I was recently in the States...
and I was a child actor.
I played Pip in David Lean"s "Great Expectations".
I was also a holiday rep. A big one.
All that, and he knows how to promote a rock group?
Such talent!
Tomorrow morning...
I have a meeting with Miss Elizabeth Taylor.
We are endeavoring to raise some funds for the Betty Ford Clinic.
But I feel that our meeting is so early...
that my bank will be closed. I was wondering if either of you...
could possibly cash a personal check for me this evening?
Sure.
Thank you.
What you"re saying is that this overdraft...
that prevents Jasper from opening further wine bars?
Correct.
And this overdraft stands at £350,000?
£354,500, to be precise.
And you"re looking for me to act as guarantor for that sum?
Yes, yes.
That"s an acceptable option for the bank.
- You"ll be made director, of course. - Sounds pretty simple to me.
Stanley, all my problems are solved if you do that.
There is no prob... You know?
Oliver, if you can get the paperwork together...
l"ll run it by my New York attorneys...
and we"ll be ready to tango.
- L"ll do that tomorrow. - This time next year...
we"re gonna be opening wine bars in Paris, France!
Yes!
There"s a problem with this pen.
Oh, dear, what seems to be the problem?
Well, the knib.
- We can change it for you, sir. - Well, it"s not just the knib.
It"s the pen itself. It"s so big and bulky.
Makes my hand tired.
- L"d like a refund. - Certainly. You have the receipt?
Here it is.
Thank you.
Right. We can recredit your VISA card. L"ll do it for you now.
My VISA card?
You paid for it by VISA, and we"ll simply recredit your card.
No, but I want cash.
L"m afraid we don"t do that here, sir.
When I spoke with my attorney Milt Greenberg in New York...
he says he was very happy with those papers.
There was no reason whatsoever not to sign them.
You"ll be guarantor until such time as Jasper has discharged the amount.
Which I estimate will be three to four years, at max.
The banks are perfectly happy. They checked you out, Stanley...
- and you came up A-1 okay. - I bet I did.
I told the manager you"re not to pay for anything whenever you come in.
Drinks, the food... Everything is on the house from now on.
What is it, Stanley? What"s the title?
Lt"s "3001 - A Space Odissey".
Wow! And who have you got?
John Malkovich in the lead.
John who?
He will redefine astronaut. Redefine it.
But of course Warner Bros. Says...
"But he"s not big enough to carry this picture".
And I said, "Oh, really?" So, now l"ve solved that.
- How? How have you solved it? - It"s simple.
Miss Elizabeth Taylor as mission control.
What was it Gore Vidal said?
Vidal? Oh, the thing about...
"The only people who enjoy themselves in the theater...
are those who are already on the stage"?
- That was certainly true tonight. - Well, was it ever?
You noticed that gentleman behind us was asleep before the end of Act I?
He"d wake up through the dialogues, and as soon as the music was...
Excuse me. Could you tell me who these people are next to us?
Yes, yes, A journalist from the "New York Times".
It"s Frank Rich, famous drama critic...
and it is Mrs. Frank Rich.
- Thank you. - You"re welcome.
I do not like what your newspaper wrote about me. Not at all.
I beg your pardon?
I said I did not like what your newspaper wrote about me...
and I am not a recluse.
A recluse wouldn"t be coming into a restaurant like this, now would he?
And who are you?
I am Stanley Kubrick.
And I nearly sued your newspaper once.
And l"ve shaved off my beard off.
Well, please, sit down, join us. This is my wife, Alix.
- Hello. - How do you do?
- Please, sit down. - I can"t.
I have my people waiting.
- You"re Frank Rich, aren"t you? - Yes.
- Drama critic? - Yes.
- L"m Butch. - Of course you are.
L"ve a good play l"d like you to read. I want to be a playwright.
Really? You know, l"ve never heard that before.
So, you"ve been to Sunset Boulevard?
Yes.
Yes, we have. Patti Lupone is a friend.
She"s the best of it. The rest of the cast is shit.
Frankly, they laid an egg. 8 months, it closes.
I was invited to preview.
Are you working on another movie?
Yes. L"m in pre-production.
How about an interview?
No. Do you know why?
Because I never give interviews.
This is a ring which Christian Dior gave to Helmut...
who gave it to me...
and now, I give it to you.
Thank you, that"s very nice.
You"re lovely.
Good night.
Come on, Kubrick!
So was that really Stanley Kubrick, the director?
Well, I assume it"s Stanley Kubrick, but I wouldn"t swear on it.
I know you.
You appeared in one of my films, haven"t you?
Your face is so familiar. L"m just trying to...
place which one it was.
Well, sit down and buy me a drink while you decide.
Buy you a drink?
Well... What are you drinking?
Jack Daniel"s.
A large one.
- Barman? - Yes, sir?
Another large Jack Daniel"s, please, and another glass of mineral water.
So, you"re a what...
a real life film producer now, are you?
Would you like a cigarrete?
No, thanks, I don"t smoke. But, you know, you go ahead.
Thank you.
So, would I have heard of you? Would I have seen one of your films?
You may have.
What"s your name?
Stanley Kubrick?
Fuck me!
Stanley...
you are one of my favorite directors of all time.
I have seen all of your films and I have loved every single one of them.
This is unbelievable. An honor.
I mean, l"ve seen...
"Spartacus", which was brilliant. "Lolita", fantastic.
"Dr. Strangelove"...
"Clockwork Orange"...
"Barry Lyndon"...
What was it? My favorite, this is my favorite: "Judgement in Nuremberg".
Odd you say that, because that was quite a difficult film to make.
L"ve had a lot of problems, but it all worked out well in the end.
Absolutely. Yes, it did. That was amazing.
That was just amazing.
Do you know, what amazes me the most about that is that...
you know, that it was directed by Stanley Kramer...
not Stanly Kubrick.
Oh, dear...
You"ve got your Stanleys in the twist, haven"t you?
Listen, mate, let me give you a little bit of advice.
If you"re gonna come here pretending you"re someone that you"re not...
at least do us the courtesy of doing a little bit of research, okay?
I found one.
Good, "cause there isn"t a single photo in any one of these books.
In this one, he"s got a beard.
But he did say he "shaved off his beard off".
Right.
- When was this taken? - About 1971.
Doesn"t look a thing like that guy.
Not a thing.
I got a tip off about this Kubrick impostor.
The story was right up my street.
Kubrick himself has got a problem here.
In order to get an injuction out against Conway...
he has to prove that Conway is impersonating him.
But to do that, he"s got get some people to stand up in court...
and admit they were conned.
Well, it"s bad enough being conned by someone.
You wouldn"t wanna tell the whole world about it, would you?
Well, I wouldn"t.
Cooperation?
What kind of cooperation are we talking about here then?
Statements from each of you to begin with and we"ll call you as witnesses.
Hold on. I don"t mind helping you as much as I can, but...
I can"t go to court. It will be in the papers, and everyone will know.
Yeah. I can"t afford that either. No way.
They"ll think Spencer and me are a couple of puffs!
No offense, but you know what I mean.
Actually, I have no idea what you mean.
L"ve got a cab office to run, and a corner shop.
Stanley had called me to say...
his son had died in a car accident.
And he said that he wanted me with him at this terrible moment.
When I told him I could only afford to come a few days...
he told me he"d need me within for the foreseeable future.
And even beyond that, to the part of the future that we couldn"t foresee.
Thanks.
He then offered to pay off the balance...
of an apartment I had in Marseille...
which I had been rehabing with two dear friends of mine.
He told me to bring their bank details...
and would have his attorney handle it immediately.
He also said his driver, Manolo, would be at the airport...
to whisk me off in his white Jaguar.
He wasn"t.
My client, as you know...
has lost many thousands of pounds as a result of this impostor and...
his understanding with the banks in question is in doubt. Nevertheless...
for reasons which I think you will readily appreciate...
he cannot go further and appear in an action...
which will expose him to public ridicule...
for having been taken in by this con man.
Even if it means that it stops Conway from doing the same thing to others?
Not even.
I see.
Oh, Stanley...
I admit it!
I knew you weren"t him. I just knew it.
L"m not Stanley Kubrick, I know. L"m Alan Conway!
Alan Conway, one of life"s great failures!
Please, you must forgive me!
Well, what about having a son who was killed in a car accident?
I suppose that"s all lies and bullshit too, isn"t it?
Please, please, Piers, I would"ve said anything to get you here.
Please, you must forgive me.
You fucked over my friends in Marseille!
I gave up my apartment there.
I used my savings to come over here.
My bridges are all burned, and you ask me to forgive you?
Please, Piers, you must forgive me. You have to.
Forgive a disaster queen like you?
No fucking chance!
Piers!
I certainly need you!
Never had such genuine feelings for anyone!
L"ve never felt something so big inside me!
I mean, feelings for someone else so big in me! Really, really!
Lt"s just I have to try to escape myself!
Whenever I go to somewhere nice like New York...
or Benidorm or... Or Camp du Mor...
or Rio...
who is the first person there to greet me?
Lt"s Alan Conway!
L"m only trying to escape myself.
That"s why I have to pretend to be someone else.
Please, don"t go, Piers. Please.
I thought we had something.
I really did.
- No! Piers, you mustn"t go, please! - Don"t.
- Get the... - Piers, please!
You see, I thought I could be myself with you.
Jesus!
I thought you could help me!
I thought I could help you.
I thought we had a future.
What happened to you happened to a very dear friend of mine.
He didn"t eat properly. Just the booze and the drugs.
And then, one day, he just collapsed.
See, your body can only take so much abuse.
Body? Abuse? Sounds interesting.
Well, we"re not gonna let it happen again, are we?
We"re going to eat regularly, we"re going to reduce our alcohol intake.
Let"s see.
You"re used to having stiff things in your mouth, huh?
They don"t stay stiff for long.
L"m being discharged tomorrow, then?
After sir has seen you, and not before.
You wouldn"t care to join me at my hotel tomorrow night, would you?
You"re so forward!
I thought you"d never ask.
No, you see, because Alan Conway is merely my "nom de travel".
Life is much easier sailing under that "nom".
Because then l"m not bothered and hassled by people.
Which is very important for a man in my position.
So what should I call you then? Should I call you Alan or Stanley?
You see, people who know me, "simpatico" people...
they always call me Stanley, of course.
Well, knock me over with a sponge dildo!
Lt"s amazing, I mean, it"s just... Staggeringly amazing!
At times, I have to get away from the glitz and glamour of showbiz...
away from the jet set, the servants...
the kiss-ass creeps.
You see, I have to stay in touch with the common man...
the common folk, the salt of the earth...
the unwashed, the unloved, the unwanted...
the unknown, the unattractive.
Sounds like a full-time job to me.
But it"s not already time for your party, is it?
Yes, it is. Come on, then.
I knew Lee Pratt before he was famous...
when he"d come down here to play all the clubs. I met him on the scene.
Very active, you know, although none of his audience know that.
They all think he"s as straight as narrow.
I saw his television show once on... television.
You know, I nearly cast him in one of my films.
Well, tell him that. His head will get even bigger.
He"s the biggest praise queen I know.
What do you think of the house then? Isn"t it amazing?
Hello!
John, how are you? Nice to see you.
My friend Stanley Kubrick.
Would you like some bubbly and?
- Oh, yeah. Thanks. - Would you like to go on now?
L"d like you to meet my friend Stanley Kubrick.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, look.
Stan, the man!
The United States of America have defeated me.
Totally defeated me. Isn"t that right, Norman?
That"s right, Lee. Defeated you.
I mean, lots of British entertainers who have gone out there...
and they were great, talented people.
Great entertainers, you know? Big stars.
Much loved, you know, like me.
But, you know, they were as welcome as a radioactive dog turd!
There"s nothing radioactive about our Lee!
Lee, you see, over here, in this country...
you have a greater appeal with the lower working middle classes.
And the mistake you made is assuming...
that the same groups were gonna like you over there.
You see, you pitched yourself too low, Lee.
You"re a Vegas performer. Vegas!
Vegas is where you belong. Do you hear what l"m saying?
Vegas!
- Las Vegas? - Right, Las Vegas.
But it all has to be managed right!
It all has to be carefully coordinated.
We have to contour you with the shape of the American media.
You see?
Look, Moe Greenbaum, at the Sands Hotel...
is an old school chum of mine.
We go way back! He knows how to handle this!
You know people like that?!
Lt"s not what you know, but who you know, right?
- You could be bigger than Elvis. - Bigger than Jesus, lad.
Can you imagine how big Jesus would be if only he could play the guitar?
- Vegas. - Vegas...
Let me teach you a little something. Repeat after me. "Maitre d"".
"Maitre d"".
- Lock the door. - Lock the door.
No one"s going home tonight.
- Vegas. - Now what the fuck is a "Maitre d""?
L"m going to have to edit this very carefully for an American audience.
That"s my twelve basic English routines...
and this is my loose material, what I call "My Pick and Mix" file.
- Very expensive, dear. - Very expensive.
Well, l"m sure it"s not all money gone to waste.
L"m going to have my man in New York, Shecky Green...
send me the work scripts...
of all the top comics and singers in America.
Grand. Just grand.
The other night, when we met, gentlemen, I said to myself...
"Stanley, either you can press ahead with the remake...
of Otto Preminger"s "Samson and Delilah"...
or you can lend a helping hand a British comedian...
who needs a States side break.
If you can"t lend a hand to a close friend, then who can you lend it to?
I seem to have run out of vodka.
Here"s to Las Vegas.
And here"s to Lee Pratt, the British singer, comedian...
who"s gonna set the States on fire!
Here"s to my friend, the famous film director and fixer...
- Stanley Kubrick. - L"ll drink to that.
Vegas.
Ah, here we are.
Compliments of the hotel, naturally.
If you have a short of inspiration, look out across that bay.
I nearly once made a film here.
Oh, did you hear that, Cyril?
Stanley could"ve put you on the international map.
Well, I hope Mr. Kubrick will reconsider that film.
If it does, it will have to star our Lee.
Yes. I left my heart in Devon, eh? I left my heart in Devon.
Very good, Mr. Pratt.
Thank you, Cyril. Now, Cyril...
Mr. Kubrick is my special guest.
I want you to look after him the way you look after me.
Certainly, Mr. Pratt.
Everything Mr. Kubrick wants Mr. Kubrick should have.
Of course, Mr. Pratt.
I once had controlling interest in a hotel...
on Fifth Avenue, in New York.
But it wasn"t as nearly well run as here.
Thank you, Mr. Kubrick. Thank you.
Well, lovies, l"ve got a show to produce.
Stanley, if you need me, l"ll be just down the end of the corridor.
I have to run and call Shecky and start on these work scripts.
Las Vegas!
Here we come.
I tell you, I don"t know what happened last night.
It must have been the sea food in lunch time.
But you"re alright now?
Oh, perfect. Never felt better.
- Ready to go! - Oh, great, Stanley, great.
Gentlemen, listen. Last night, I spoke with Shecky in New York.
I said, "Shecky, you gotta be ready to get on the 1st plane to Vegas".
Also, he"s meeting Moe there. I fully briefed the both of them.
I told them, "Gentlemen, I want an absolutely up-to-date report...
on everything that"s happening in every hotel and theater.
Vegas! I can"t believe it!
What... schedule are you thinking about then?
I get your point, Norman. Here"s my thinking at the present.
A, we need a lot of lead time for publicity.
B, selected personal appearances before opening.
What have we got in the book there, Norm?
Slack season, you"re resting...
apart from opening a hospice in Wolverhampton...
a charity night in Preston and...
taking your mom on holiday.
Well...
fuck the hospice, fuck the charity...
and mom"s always wanted to do Vegas.
Now, gentleman, I may have to fly out ahead...
and make sure everything goes smoothly.
But, Norman, I wanna tell you, l"m making my executive jet available.
Handsome.
Just handsome.
No calls for New York or Vegas from Mr. Kubrick"s suite?
No. But most of our guests prefer the use of their personal mobiles.
Right. Right. Interesting.
Come in.
Shall I leave it here as it is, sir, or shall I prepare the table?
Oh... Just leave it there, "garçon", and l"ll help myself.
That is a double helping of coq-au-vin, isn"t it?
Yes, it is, sir.
And my bottle of vodka?
Yes, sir.
Lovely. And the cigarettes. I can"t see the cigarettes.
The cigarretes?
Yes, I ordered a carton of 200 cigarettes. Where might that be?
L"ll fetch them right away, sir.
Young man...
once upon a time, I was directing a movie called "Spartacus".
And there was a very young "Miss" Kirk Douglas playing the title role.
And one day...
the waiter forgot to bring "Miss" Kirk Douglas "her" cigarettes.
And "Miss" Douglas, being the shit that "she" is, fired him!
That waiter never worked in Hollywood again.
How very tragic, sir.
His number one fan!
- Another scooter of sherry, Lee. - Leave that to me, Mrs. V.
Gargoyle? Can I have another junery thing of Cyprus for Mrs. V?
2 large scooters of Cyprus and we haven"t even ordered starters yet.
Tell you what, you"re the best cheer leader...
anyone could ever wish. And you"re worth your weight in gold lame.
Gold lame.
She"s like a mother to me. A mother. Someone you can always rely on.
Tell me, Mr. "Kuteprick"...
Kubrick.
Lee tells me you"re going to make him very famous in the United States.
- That"s the plan. - Lee says you make pictures...
- films. - Yes, I do.
Have you ever made any films with anyone famous?
You know, film stars, Mr. "Kuteprick"?
Kirk Douglas, James Mason...
Greta Garbo...
Ava Gardner...
and that Funicello.
So you never made any carry-on films then?
No.
Well, then, dear, you"ve got something to look forward to.
Well, that"s my done. L"m up the wooden hill to "Bed-for-sure".
Oh, God. And you, Mrs. Vitali?
That was a lovely meal. We must come here again.
Oh, that we will. Come on.
Oh, she"s a riot, isn"t she? Fucking hell!
Where are you going then?
Just going.
I thought, seeing all the hospitality you"ve enjoyed courtesy or Lee...
that when his number one fan came down...
you might show him gratitude by paying the bill yourself.
It seems to me the least you could do in the circumstances, old son.
Thank you very much.
Norman, that is... That is a wonderful idea.
Oh, Mr. Prett.
L"m sorry to call you down so late.
It"s all right, Cyril. We weren"t asleep, were we?
No. All is well with the world, the concerts are sold out completely.
Viva Las Vegas.
It"s about...
Mr. Kubrick.
Stan, the man.
This afternoon, after Mr. Kubrick left his room...
to visit the Starlight Spa & Sauna in our basement...
Maria Teresa, a most trustworthy Filipino cleaner...
and I cannot tell you how hard they are to get...
went to his room to do the cleaning...
and discovered a number of magazines in the courtesy bar.
Well, let"s hope it was "Celebrity Monthly", featuring me.
These magazines featured young men...
naked young men, performing explicit acts...
upon each other and in groups.
The sort of acts, I believe, that were popular in Sodom and Gomorra.
Riding and hove, you mean? They were having a gay ole time.
Maria Teresa, a most innocent devout Catholic, went into shock...
and is receiving counseling as we speak.
I was called, and I discovered amongst these magazines...
personal items, including a passport.
A passport not in the name of Stanley Kubrick...
but in the name of Alan Conway, a gentleman.
So, Mr. Bates, our director of security, discovered...
much to the shog of everyone at the South Coast Hotels limited...
to be a proven confidence man.
- There must be some mistake. - None whatsoever, l"m afraid.
Oh, goodness, no... Fucking.
Would you like to see one of these magazines?
Who is it?
Lt"s me.
Come in.
How"s it going, "Stanley"?
Well, really I was speaking to the "David Letterman Show".
And they were saying that they...
can"t wait for you to come on.
They can"t wait.
I think you and I need a bit of a chat.
Let go of me!
I can"t swim!
What"s that smell?
Have you had one of your floozies over?
Yeah. Sorry about that. I had Sharon round.
We got a bit carried away.
I don"t want to find any stains, any deposits.
You won"t.
We did it inside bin bags on polythene, all right?
- Oh, yeah, some journalist phoned. - Right.
He knows all about you and your tricks. So you"d better watch out.
He"s doing some big story on you.
- Journalist? - Yeah, he"s gonna call back.
He"s got your number, mate. Knows all about you.
You"re Alan Conway...
the guy who goes around impersonating Stanley Kubrick.
L"m sorry, l"m not.
Mr. Conway, I have got independent corroboration.
Well, I believe you.
I like your voice.
Thank you.
Well, Frank Rich has written it up.
- You lie! - No, l"m not lying to you.
L"ve got it here in front of me. It"s in "The New York Times".
About me?
Hello?
Mr. Kubrick?
Hello?
Ah, you"re my audience.
You"ve come to see my latest film.
Have they given you an appointment yet?
L"m Stanley Kubrick. I give the appointments around here.
Please, take a seat, Mr. Kubrick. Do not disturb the other patients.
They"re not patients! They"re my audience!
Aren"t you? Aren"t you all?
Please, tell her! Tell her!
- Lf you"d like to take a seat here. - Why don"t you tell her?
Alan?
Alan, it"s me, Sean.
Is camera ready now?
Has "Miss" Kirk Douglas left "her" dressing room yet?
Alan, this is Dr. Stukeley. She"s gonna help you.
Please, please...
take me home now!
Please, I missed. L"ve been a very, very naughty boy.
This man"s condition"s very serious.
We need to institutionalize, I mean, hospitalize him right away.
He requires immediate sedation.
Well, can"t you just slip him a few Valium and get him to a day clinic?
If only it was easy as that. It"s quite beyond that.
Quite beyond that.
There you are.
Shepard"s pie or change in the hole, love?
Why, thank you, my good woman. By the way, do you know who I am?
No, but if you ask the ward supervisor, she will tell you.
L"m Stanley Kubrick.
How dare you?
L"m Stanley Kubrick. L"m Stanley Kubrick.
Will all the Stanleys Kubrick please be quiet and eat their lunch?
- Did you bring it? - Did I bring what?
The bottle, stupid.
You owe me, squire.
Never tasted better.
You know, you got me worried that day they brought you in here.
I thought you really had flipped.
Well, that"s very good insurance, you see. But with my...
glamourous psychiatrist backing me...
they would never dare take this case to court.
The moment I woke up this morning, I knew something was different.
I couldn"t put my finger on exactly what it was...
and then I suddenly realized I had become myself again.
My real self. L"d become Alan again.
This may only be a temporary remission.
But we need to keep you here under close observation.
You"re such a good person, Dr. Stukeley.
You really are a good person. God bless you.
Let us return now to your mother, Nadja Conova, the famous ballerina.
All right, let me just ask you one simple question.
How come, when Mr. Conway became Stanley Kubrick...
it was always in situations and circumstances...
where he, Conway, benefited directly?
Where he was on the take? On the make?
No, no, becoming Stanley Kubrick...
has cost Mr. Conway the larger part of his life savings.
Everyone, of course, expected Mr. Kubrick to be generous...
being so rich and famous. And Alan had to live up to that.
He spent many thousands of pounds.
Most of his life savings gone
Where did you get this from? From him?
You"re willfully refusing to see the gravity of Mr. Conway"s condition.
He"s a victim of mental illness.
Dr. Stukeley, why do you think he"s saying such hurtful things?
Can it be because he doesn"t want to see me healing and recovering?
Well, if you believe that, you"d believe anything.
It was all bullshit. All oxygen for him.
Everybody felt sorry for him, took him on his own terms...
as a victim.
What?
He appeared on television!
He even got paid for newspaper articles.
"Sic transit".
Yes, the International Journal of Psychiatric Studies...
has accepted my case history study of you for the winter issue.
Oh, that"s wonderful, doctor. Congratulations. Really.
But l"m afraid that I must tell and I must insist on this:
I couldn"t possibly accept even the smallest fee.
Unless you thought it was all right.
Nobody gets a fee. Not even I.
It is an honor to be published there.
But would my name and address be included in the article...
just in case anyone should try and contact me?
Alan, patients are never identified in case histories.
They"re always given a pseudonym.
- Not much advantage in that. - Sorry?
I was saying I understand it.
Now, we must address ourselves your last and, I say, lingering problem.
My lack of cash.
- I was referring to your alcoholism. - Oh, that?
L"ve decided to send you on an alcoholic rehabilitation course...
for four weeks, to the Rimini Clinic.
The Rimini Clinic?
But I read about it in a magazine I bought at the supermarket.
That"s where the famous people, and film and rock stars go to dry out.
It has a success rate of 95%.
But I can"t afford to stay there.
The National Health Services has 4 placements a year there and...
you"ll be one of them.
But, Dr. Stukeley, I don"t deserve to go there.
It"s essential. You"re recovering, healing.
That"s true.
Would I get some sort of allowance while l"m in there, doctor?
Well, we can discuss that later.
L"ll be surrounded by rich and famous people.
L"d be in lock down.
How will I cope?