This programme contains some strong language
# La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
# La-la-la, la-la-la
# La-la-la, la-la-laaa
# La-la
# La-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la
# La, la-la, la-la-la, la. #
Oh, she's up. Oooh, morning.
Would madame like a sausage or three? She would, you cheeky sailor.
HE GROANS
Here, got you those.
Eh, you can't whack it, Maxwell.
What have we got here?
That's not right. It's supposed to be Flubber.
It is.
Stick it in, let's have a laugh. Here we go.
Beautiful.
Right.
MUSIC ON DVD
Give me your body and I'll transform it.
You don't believe me, but it's true.
Like a ginger Brian May.
Two more.
That's not a workout, that, all that namby-pamby dancing.
She wants to try crawling through her own shit
with SCUD missiles whistling past her ears.
Bloody hell, if I made one of these, I'd make a fortune an'all.
MUSIC: Axel F by Jan Hammer
Hey, it's not a bad idea, that, you know.
What? We could do that, make one of these videos.
Who? Who? Me and thee, a fitness DVD.
Your army training, I used to teach them classes down the gym.
We'd clean up, Max.
Yeah, but who'd buy it? We're not celebrities.
Celebrities? You don't have to be a celebrity these days.
Look at Wayne Rooney's missus.
Aye, you're not wrong. Yeah, that's what they need, a proper workout.
That's what they'd get, an'all. A bit of army discipline.
Yeah, oh, we'd give them a workout, doorman-style.
Once fit, always fit.
You're right, and you could do with getting a bit off an'all.
How dare you. I'm fitter than you'll ever bloody be.
All I'd be doing is putting a bit of fine tuning on it.
Look, we could both do with losing a bit.
Get rid of some of that and get some of that.
Hah.
This is... The Power of Two.
That's it. Little bend of the knees. Remember, keep your back straight.
Finally, a workout for ordinary people like us -
overweight and underpaid.
Whoever you are... And whatever you do...
..Getting fit is up to you.
With Max... And Paddy's... Power of Two!
It's for everybody's body.
Huh! Again!
Again!
Huh! Again!
And again!
That'll do. Thank you!
I'm Max. And I'm Paddy.
And this is... The Power of Two!
OK, here's the script.
We've put together this fitness routine for two reasons.
One, money.
And, two, because there's finally going to be
a workout for everybody's body.
That's right.
An extraordinary workout for ordinary people, like yourselves.
OK, now, let's say hello to our Power of Two team, Team Power!
In you come. In you come, come on.
As... As you can clearly see,
there's nothing special about this lot.
Just ordinary people, like you and me.
Say hello, Team Power. Hello.
Say hello individually. Have a bit of manners.
Hello, I'm Sue. Hello, I'm Valerie.
Hello, I'm Sandra.
Hello, I'm Jackie.
Glenn.
Glenn? Old army buddy. Mate of mine.
Powerhouse. Where's his T-shirt?
He likes Tina.
And let's welcome our special Power of Two physical fitness
consultants from DD Productions, Candice and Roxy.
Who? In you come, girls. Oh, hello.
Whoa, whoa.
What's... What's all that about?
OK, let's work that body.
CHEERING
# Don't stop me now... Hello!
Hello. How are you? All right.
God, you've got heavy!
Am I getting too big? You've put some weight on.
Have I got too big for you? You've got very heavy.
Hello, everybody. CHEERING
You are so welcome back to the show. Thanks. You know what?
It's lovely to be here. It really is. Thank you for saying so.
It is, I've not been here since... Is it 2009? Was that the last time?
So, what's that, then? Eight years. Thereabouts.
Do you, do you get much recognition,
when you come over here, do people leave you alone?
I like it over here, because people just leave you alone, let you do your own thing.
We drive up and see family,
we drive up and see Susan's Auntie Mary, she lives in Roscommon...
WOMAN SQUEALS ..Ballaghaderreen, drive up there.
Went to Knock last time, got Susan's mum some holy water.
Bloke having a wash in it, at Knock, washing in t'holy water.
What's all that about? The tramp.
He was like giving it that, giving it this, holy water, stood there.
I thought, "There's no need to take it that far, is there?"
I got one of them holy water things, two litres,
and it leaked all over my case.
At least me clothes were blessed. Very blessed! I know!
Just keep nice and flat, laying on your stomach.
And relax.
Staying on your stomachs, going to do a little stretch for our back.
Put your hands by your sides
and just arch your back up.
Keep your hips on the floor as you do this. That's it.
FART
It's only natural, Max.
You want to have a bit of manners, love. What's your name?
Valerie. I'm really sorry. Are you some...
Are you some kind of a pig?
No.
I do apologise, ladies and gentlemen,
it's a class full of pigs.
And down.
INCOMING CALL
You coming, or what?
I can't, I'm locked in.
Come again, what? I'm locked in.
You're joking! Here, look, behind the blinds.
Well, where's your key? Well, I don't know!
Oh, bollocks. Hang on.
Come on, shuffle forward. I am shuffling forward, I can't move.
You can move. Oh, I dropped my shoe.
Bugger your shoe, come on, shuffle forward.
Oh, I'm stuck. Are you balls, stuck. Come on.
Come on! Ow, you're giving me a wedgie!
How do, love. Morning.
We're going to be on bloody Crimewatch at this rate, come on.
On three. I can't, John, I can't. Three.
John, no. Two. One...
SHE SCREAMS
STRAINED: Fuck a duck.
999 channels, I've got now.
And I still sit there going,
"Nothing on here, absolute shit all on here."
The problem is, there's more channels than programmes now.
Everything's repeated. Everything's looped, going round and round.
How many episodes of Scrapheap Challenge can they make?
All these channels.
You've got E4+1, which is technically E5, let's have it right.
They've even got a channel called Dave Ja Vu now.
Someone's taking the right royal piss. Dave Ja Vu.
Saturday afternoons on More 4, or More 4+1,
you can watch five episodes of Grand Designs back-to-back.
I like Grand Designs,
but there's only so many times you can watch a couple trying to
restore a 17th-century brothel in the middle of a swamp.
And he's a bitch, him, that Kevin McCloud. He slags 'em off.
He's stood behind them, he's slagging them off.
"They've wasted three years of their lives trying to restore this
"eco-friendly cardboard house, and the water's pissing in."
"They've gone �380,000 over budget
"and all because she wanted to play project manager."
Come Dine With Me, Saturday afternoon on Channel...
Don't cheer that shite. CHEERING
No, no, no, no!
No!
Don't.
That's not a cooking show, Come Dine With Me.
That's just a set of nosy bastards in your house,
let's have it right now. Honest to God...
That's all they want to do, look through t'bedrooms.
You're downstairs, marinating your meat, they're upstairs, looking through t'wardrobes.
They wanted me to go on there. Celebrity Come Dine With Me.
I said, "If you think I'm having Brian Blessed and H from Steps
"looking through my cupboards, you've another thing coming."
That's how they caught Fred and Rose West, Come Dine With Me.
Oh, yeah. Pilot episode. They've never shown it, Channel Four.
That's how they caught 'em. Red-handed.
But, apparently, Rose made a cracking pavlova. Beautiful.
To die for, honestly.
So, like I said, here's another alternative stretch.
Still on the hamstrings, you're going
to put your knee over your partner's leg.
Grab hold of the opposite foot, put it on your shoulder.
Keep this leg nice and straight, supporting the knee
and just give a little push forward.
I bet you've been in this position before,
ain't you, you little minx, eh?
Look at them. It's like stroking a red setter's tummy.
How you going on, Max?
Not good, Patrick.
Christ, you've let yourself go, Glenn.
It's like milking a bull.
John, John, you've got mud all over your pants. Come here.
Christ, it'll be all right, leave it. SHE SPITS
I've got spit on them now, haven't I?
Hold on, hold on.
Barry.
Leave it, I'll get it off in the bogs. Animal.
What else drives me mad? Supernanny.
Oh, you'd just leather them, I swear to God.
Tell you who should be on the naughty step.
Jo, that's who should be on it.
She just states the obvious.
"Don't give your kids Haribo sweets and have them in bed for Emmerdale."
We can all do that, Jo.
It's difficult when you're a mum on your own with two kids, tearing
your hair out, four o'clock in the morning, they won't go to bed.
Two girls, three and four, Strawberry and Champagne.
"They won't go to sleep.
"Come on, Champagne, go to sleep for Mummy, come on.
"Go to sleep now.
"You really need to go to sleep, because Mummy's had enough,
"she can't take it any more.
"Strawberry's out. Where's Strawberry? Strawberry?
"Strawberry, come to Mummy, come on."
"Pick her up, don't give her eye contact.
"Don't give her eye contact, pick her up."
"Come to bed now. Champagne's out now. Go to bed. Champagne."
"Pick her up, don't give her eye contact."
"I'm fucking trying."
"Look at the regime on the fridge."
"Fuck the fridge.
"Come back to bed. Come on now, go to bed.
"Mummy wants you to go to sleep."
"Mummy stinks of shit."
"Get to sleep, will you?!"
"Don't shout at them."
"Don't shout at them?
"You've not got kids, you don't know what it's like!
"You want to help me, fucking babysit!"
Drives you mad.
Then she goes away and watches it on her laptop, shaking her head.
Comes back, sorts it out. She always sorts it out.
They do that thing at the end of Supernanny,
like they used to at the end of Wife Swap.
"Since the change, they're now spending more time together as a family."
Playing catch with a beach ball in the back garden,
proper wooden, like that.
Cut. Pub.
Ding dang doo.
Ding dang doo. We can't hear you!
Ding dang doo.
Ding dang doo. Come on, Valerie.
Ding dang doo. Feel that fat burning.
Ding dang doo.
Push away them Jaffa cakes, them Party Rings.
Five.
Six. Reach for that Ryvita, Valerie.
Not them Jammy Dodgers.
It's no good looking round, love, the buck stops here. Eh?
It's too late now.
You've only got yourself to blame.
What about an album? Would you not do an album? All these guys...
Would I not do what? An album. I noticed that a lot of guys...
They're all doing them in England. All these entertainers.
Nick Knowles has got one out! Do you know him? Presents DIY SOS.
Shocking.
I've never fancied it.
If I were going to do something, I'd do something different.
I'd do something for charity, for a kick-off.
What sort of music would you do? What would you be considering?
Hymns. I think I'd do hymns.
Hymns? Hymns.
Why not do hymns? There are some belting hymns.
Brilliant hymns. When I was an altar boy, the hymns were great hymns.
Do hymns. Are they not a bit solemn, a bit heavy?
No, are they hell! They're not, there's some brilliant hymns.
What's your favourite hymn? I love things like, um, you know, uh...
VOICES FROM AUDIENCE Who? What did you say?
No, but, like, How Great Thou Art, or something like that.
# Oh, my God, when...
I'd do big-band hymns, do a bit of Buble with them,
or something like that.
# When I in awesome wonder
# Consider all the worlds Thy hand has made...
Lads, can you do something with this?
BAND START PLAYING What key is this?
# I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
# The power throughout the universe displayed
What's this? That's one for you, take that.
# Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee
# How great Thou art...
AUDIENCE CLAP That's it!
# How great Thou art... That's great.
# Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee...
Hey, they love it!
# How great Thou art
# How great Thou art. #
CHEERING
What else could we do? I used to like...
# I watch the sunrise lighting the sky...
Do you know this one?
Do you know that one?
BIG BAND MUSIC
What the frig's that?
What is that?
Like this? How does this go?
# I watch the sunrise... HE CACKLES
# High in the sky...
That's sacrilege!
# Burning the Earth below...
I can't remember the words.
How's it go?
# And on this morning
# Bright, though it be
# I feel your shadow...
What is it? # ..Near me
# For you are always
# Close to me
# Following all my ways, bam-ba-bam ba-bam-ba-bam
# May I be always
# Close to you
# Following all of your ways, Lord. #
Five, six, seven, eight.
Up and down. 16 of these.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven. All right, Valerie, come on.
Bet you wish it were my bollocks at the end of your knee, eh?
Yeah.
What's the matter? You feel strong, love? Yeah.
Come on, then.
Seven. Going to change now. Eight.
Secret Millionaire, that's another one.
Cry your eyes out watching that.
People have got to be on to them now, though, you know what I mean?
"Paul's a multimillionaire, but, for the next three weeks, he's going
"to be living in a shitty bedsit above a halal kebab shop."
"I didn't expect this at all.
"I'm a multimillionaire, I made my money in skips.
"G O'Connor & Son.
"30 years, man and boy, no job's too small,
"beat any quote or your money back."
Just an advert for his business.
"Didn't expect this. Is this where I've got to sleep? Is this my bed?
"What's this here? �34.50. I've got to live off this?
"I don't know how I'm going to survive."
End of part one.
"Paul goes down to the local greasy spoon cafe in an effort to try
"and find some voluntary work in the local area."
"Uh, hello, I'm new to the area, it's just me and my camera crew..."
T-shirt on, "Skip hire, 30 years, man and boy."
"I wonder, is there any voluntary work in the local area around here?"
"Aye, there's one over there. It's a church hall full of smackheads."
"What did you say?"
"Church hall, smackheads. Up here, you say."
So he gets involved in the local community.
Then he has that bit where he has a bit of a mini breakdown,
because he can't believe people are actually living like this.
That's the end of part two.
Best bit's part three, when he grasses himself up.
Has a shave and puts his suit on.
Goes round, knocking on all t'doors.
"Can I come in?"
"Aye, you all right, mate? Look at you! Nice suit!"
"Can I come in?" "Yeah, come in."
"I've got something to tell you.
"I've actually been telling you a bit of a lie
"for the past few weeks."
"Bit of a lie? What do you mean, bit of a lie?"
"If I could get a word in edgeways, I'd tell you."
"I'm actually a multimillionaire, I made my money in skips,
"30 years, man and boy, PJ Davenport & Son, no job's too small,
"beat any quote or your money back."
Right to the camera.
"I'm actually a multimillionaire."
"Jean, Jean! Paul's a millionaire, get your arse down here!"
"And I'd like to give you and your wife..."
That's me laughing, not him.
"I'd like to give you and your wife this cheque for �1,000."
�1,000? You tightarse!
You've just had 200 grand's worth of free advertising.
Baldy.
Leave it!
LAUGHS Paddy, what are you BLEEP doing?
What's going on here? 30p apiece.
Don't forget the raffle. 20p a ticket. Pound for a strip of five.
Can I get three, please?
Jesus Christ. Oh, I'm sorry.
"Don't forget the raffle!"
PETER CACKLES
Sorry.
30p each!
He's so funny. I'm sorry!
Actually, I'm a DJ. A DJ?
Yeah. Electrics is just something I do, you know?
Why don't you climb on here?
I don't think Jive Bunny'll... LOUD: Goodnight!
I don't think Jive Bunny'll be coming by.
He's dead, Brian. Well?
Hang on, I've not said, "Well?" yet.
I thought you weren't ever going to come in.
I was just getting a breather, Dave. It's called acting, cock.
Well?
He's dead, Brian.
Wake up, you bastard!
ALL LAUGH
Action.
Right, stick him in the Pennine Suite. Stick him in the...
ALL GASP Jesus!
One, two, three and go.
One, two, duck.
PANTING: Come on, I want to see you...
Bloody hell, Paddy,
I think I just saw one of Valerie's ribs.
Piss off!
Oh, God.
Get up, Max, stop messing about, son. Me eye!
You are bang out of order, love.
Two more. It's a workout!
One more. A little warning... And march.
..if you're doing this at home, don't wear jewellery.
Especially not four-inch sovereigns, like Valerie.
Took me bastard eye out there, love.
Let's do another hymn. What do you like?
Let's do one. Give me...
Another one, a right jolly one.
Walk In The Light, I used to love that one. Oh, we love that!
Let's do that.
# The spirit lives to set us free
# Walk, walk in the light...
Can you do something else? Do a cha-cha-cha or something?
Cha-cha-cha, do a cha-cha-cha. Woohoo.
BAND PLAYS That's good.
# The spirit lives to set us free... Am I in the wrong key?
# Walk, walk in the light
# Binds us all in unity
# Walk, walk in the light... Come on.
# Walk in the light
# Walk in the light... John's singing!
# Walk in the light
# Walk in the light of the Lord
# Walk in the light!
# Walk in the light
# Walk in the light of the Lord, yeah, yeah, yeah! #
Cha-cha-cha.
Right, I don't know if you've noticed, but Valerie's box is empty.
She's not here, she's gone. I won't stand for it, right?
I'm trying to do the woman a favour,
she nearly ripped my frigging eye out.
You lot will be the same, you've got to buck your ideas up.
Have your tried the RS6? Yeah, it's under the FBI.
HE CHUCKLES
What you got there, a 489er?
LAUGHTER
I don't know. I don't know!
489er! BLEEP hell, are we, Cisco?
Come on, let's do it now. BLEEP. Just say, "Where's the wire?"
489er.
BLEEP hell.
Like BLEEP Kris Kristofferson in Convoy.
Go rubber ducky, my friend.
All right, let's go.
Is it clamped up?
LAUGHTER
I can't... I can't do it.
Is the wire through the console? Yeah, it's come through here.
Good morning, Patrick.
Is it wired through up there?
GIGGLING
BLEEP
He... He's laughing!
With Mary. Why?
She's getting a little bit keen.
Paddy likes to play the field, Paddy does.
Have a kickabout, stick a few in the net.
THEY LAUGH
With Mary? Why?
She's a bit too keen.
Paddy likes to play the field, Paddy does. Have a kick...
Oh... You keep going.
Come in again on that, go on.
Paddy likes to play the field, Paddy does. Have a kickabout...
BLEEP through you, I'm not looking at you.
I know. Go on.
I'm thinking of me family in a wreck or something, hang on.
PETER SNIGGERS
That's funnier than the BLEEP line.
With Mary? Why?
She's getting a bit too keen.
Paddy likes to play the field, Paddy does. Have a kickabout...
BLEEP
You're not even looking at me and you laughed.
Come on, nearly there now.
PETER SNIGGERS
Come on.
Go on.
I've not got her nothing.
In fact, I'm thinking of let...
I've not...
Keep doing it until you get it...
PETER SNIGGERS
Paddy will you BLEEP! I'm not doing it. I'm begging you.
You're doing it. You have the first line!
You've got the first line!
I've not got her nothing.
Now we're going to pay a visit to our old friend, Mr Stretch.
Now, if we don't visit Mr Stretch,
then we can expect a visit from Mr Stiff.
And nobody wants a visit from Mr Stiff, do they?
Candice might later.
BREATHLESS: OK, now, Mr Stretch will always be there for us.
At the beginning, at the end of every workout.
He'll never leave you.
He'll never leave you stranded in the shit, like Glenn.
Will he, Glenn, eh? Oh, no.
Stranded, like I was at Port Stanley in '82, on me own,
playing hopscotch with land mines in the piss rain
with the enemy laughing.
But I weren't fucking laughing, were I, Glenn? Oh, no.
Where are the armoured cars? Where were the backup, eh?
Where were you, Glenn? I had no choice.
You had choices!
There's always choices!
You let me down, you let the regiment down.
He cries at night, that lad.
Glenn.
Pick him up.
Make Me A Channel Of Your Peace. That's a belter. Yes, great song.
# Make me a channel of your...
Do you know this? One, two, three, four.
ROCK'N'ROLL STYLE: # Make me a Channel of your peace...
Yes. Channel of your peace!
# Where there is hatred, let me bring your hope...
Come on, dance with me.
# Oh, Master, grant that I may ever see...
You've had it, Cheryl, you've had it.
# Much to be consoled...
Steady on.
# To be understood as to understand...
Put your... I've got a microphone!
# To be loved, as to love with all my soul
Two, three, four.
# Make me a channel of your peace
# It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
# In giving to all men that we receive
# And with dying that we're born to eternal... #
Yeah!
OK!
Lovely, lovely.
Lovely to meet you, darling.
Lovely!
I've just healed her, I've just healed her.
The healing hands. She couldn't walk!
Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Kay!
Thank you very much!