- Did you try that pumpkin pie? - No.
It looked good, but how many desserts does my mother need to make?
I don't know. I think Carl had one of everything though.
I think Jo and Carl want to get married.
Yeah, it seems that they really love each other.
- Oh, I think they're in love. Don't you? - Yeah.
It's just hard to tell sometimes from the outside.
I think my mother would love for them to get married.
Are you kidding? She's probably got the number
of the catering hall on speed dial.
Thanks for staying out so late.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I love you.
You're wearing my favorite suit.
I just can't wake up today. I don't know what's wrong with me.
You have a good sleep?
- You okay? - Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry about tonight. I've really got to go to this thing.
It's okay.
Do you want to have dinner in the city tomorrow?
- Yeah. - Okay.
What?
The damn car's acting up again.
It starts knocking when I turn the heater on.
Why don't you get it checked?
Kenny said there was nothing wrong with it.
You never should've bought a used car.
It's always made that knocking sound.
Is it supposed to make that sound?
Of course not. Are they up yet?
Jo said she wanted to get up early.
Knowing her, she'll probably sleep all day.
Ah, shit!
Why?
Why are you up so early?
Mom and Dad are making so much fucking noise in the kitchen.
What are they doing?
Should we wake those two up?
- I can't hear you! - Should we wake those two up?
Well, if they ever want to get into the city, they should get up.
Hey, Jo? We'd better not.
Yeah, we'd better not.
Um, you know, house rules and all.
Ooh, um... Hmm. Did you sleep well?
Hmm-mm. I don't like sleeping without you.
Yeah, well,
your mother made it very clear that we shouldn't, uh...
What does she think we do back home?
You know?
Josephine!
Morning, Mrs. Malone.
Oh, Carl. Did you sleep well?
Yes. I had a wonderful night's sleep, thank you.
Oh, good, good.
Uh, what is it that smells so incredible?
Oh, I was just making a little breakfast ‒
bacon and eggs, sausage, pancakes, whatever you'd like.
Yum.
Come on, Jo. Wake up! Soup's on!
Would you like some Entenmann's?
We got a really good price on this cake.
Everything was two-for-one.
Yeah. I mean, it was some sale.
Here we go.
How about some cinnamon filbert ring, huh?
Mm, I don't want that.
I don't normally eat this much for breakfast.
Why do you... Why do you put this junk in your hair, huh? Why?
This is an excellent cinnamon filbert ring, Rita.
Are you at least going to comb this mess before you go outside?
- Hmm-mm. - I see Carl doesn't find it necessary
to deface himself.
Carl, show Mom your nipples.
Finish your breakfast.
I'm done.
Are you wearing that little skirt? You'll freeze to death.
Dad, drive us to the train station!
Try to help her, Carl.
- Hiya, Dad. - Hey, kid. What brings you here?
I got to talk to Mom about something.
- Just in time for breakfast. - Oh, I'm not hungry.
- Good morning, my darling. - Good morning.
- How are you? - I'm good. How you doin', Miss Malone?
Oh, fine.
We should show this to someone who would understand it.
Wait a minute. I don't want to make a big deal out of this.
- Who knows what this is. - Ah, don't worry.
We'll keep it in the family.
"Dearest, please accept this token of my love and devotion.
I'm grateful for what we have, but I want so much more.
In short, I want you entirely.
Alas, as Andrew Marvell wrote,
'Therefore, the love which us doth bind
but fate so enviously debars
is the conjunction of the mind and opposition of the stars.'
Love forever, Sandy."
Carl, you're a very smart young man. What is this?
I don't understand poetry.
Well, Andrew Marvell was a 17th-century poet,
a predecessor of Shakespeare's,
one of the Elizabethan metaphysical poets.
This poem...
Basically, the poem says that
love binds us together and we're like, totally in sync,
but it's a drag because circumstances keep us apart.
- Do you think this was written to Louis? - No. I mean, I hope not.
- Do you know who Sandy is? - No, I have no idea.
Carl, couldn't this be a note from a barracuda
who was having an affair with a married man?
- I... - We don't know who this was written to.
Eliza, you should call Louis.
I should just call him and ask him what this is.
No, no.
I don't think that's a smart idea.
- Why not? - It's very easy to lie on the phone.
See, you can't see the eyes.
The eyes always give you away.
- So what should I do? - I suggest
that we drive you into the city and you talk to him face to face.
Um, are you sure this is such a good idea?
It's not up to me.
Eliza, what do you think?
Carl, why don't you sit in the front?
You're so tall, you'll get all squished back there.
- I'll be fine, but thank you, Rita. - Sure.
Look at these hideous buildings.
Architecture is dead.
The architects have run out of ideas. It's all references.
The Europeans may have been Imperialists, but they knew how to make a building.
You know what, you guys?
Things are fine ‒ I mean, they're great ‒ between me and Louis,
you know, in... in every department.
- Everything is fine. - I know, I know, honey. Of course.
Oh, Jo, you remember your little friend Vinnie Tucillo?
Uh, yeah.
Well, Mrs. O'Connor told me he was just sent to jail.
What took so long?
Did you hear about Mr. Andrews having an affair with a tenth-grader?
They fired him. I mean, it was some scandal.
Did you know my mom writes the society page
for the Deer Park Pennysaver?
- Really? - No.
Also, I mean, he works for a publishing company.
You know, he's got other people's manuscripts,
all kinds of stuff in his briefcase.
That note could've belonged to anyone.
Jim, watch out!
- That truck, idiot! - He's nowhere near me.
- So what are you guys gonna do today? - Shopping.
I was thinking we'd check out the Dutch modernism show at the Cooper-Hewitt.
- Are you guys gonna stay in Michigan? - Yeah.
Yeah, for now. Carl's got this great job.
No, it's just construction work. The pay's really good, so...
Carl, tell Mom and Dad about your novel. Carl wrote a novel, everyone.
It's great. It's just far-out. It's brilliant.
I don't think your parents want to hear about my novel.
Mom and Dad, do you want to hear about Carl's novel?
- Oh, yeah. Sure, Carl. - Well, uh, Rita,
it's an allegory about spiritual survival in the contemporary world.
The main character is this freak of nature.
He's this man who doesn't have a normal head.
- He was born with a dog's head. - A dog's head?
Yeah. You know, sort of a fantastical story.
- It's like a fable. - Yeah, like Master and Margarita or...
- Animal Farm. - Yeah, exactly. Very Kafka-esque.
Carl, I'm not an educated woman.
- It's Dr. Seuss for adults, Mom. - Oh. Oh, yeah.
So everybody else in the book is normal except the man with the dog's head,
- who really only wants ‒ - What kind of dog?
- Dad, it's not important. - No, no. No, no, no. It is important.
Actually, that's very important. It's a German Shorthaired Pointer.
You see, it's actually especially important that it's a pointer
because that's a crucial metaphor, because in the book, he's sort of a...
He's sort of a visionary, you know? You know, pointing the way to salvation?
Jo loves dogs.
Remember Pepper? We had to put her to sleep.
Mother...
So, uh, the man with the dog's head,
who has been treated like a freak all of his life,
get discovered by these people who exploit him
by putting him on every daytime talk show on TV.
But the man with the dog's head realizes he's got the ear of the entire nation,
so he starts to tell people what he really thinks.
He starts to criticize society. He starts to talk about
how crass it is, how unfeeling.
And as people start to, you know, respond to his message,
he develops this following, which just gets bigger and bigger
until he's this huge visionary leader.
Oh, you mean like he can talk,
- just like a person. - Well, yeah.
He's normal in every way except for, you know, the dog's head.
Ah. Now, how would you do that?
- Mom, it's a book, it isn't a movie. - Carl,
- how do you think up this stuff? - Mother...
Goddamn it!
- What the hell is that? - What's causing it, Dad?
I don't know. I think it's got something to do with the heater.
I told you to bring the car into Kenny.
I did.
It didn't knock for him.
Louis's father had a mistress.
Louis is nothing like his father.
Well, thank God. But then again, who knows?
They say it's often inherited.
I just can't see Louis doing anything like that, Mom.
He's not like that.
Well, he'd better not be.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
He can't fix it now, but we'll be all right if we don't turn the heater on.
No heat?
Now are you glad you wore that little skirt?
- Okay, Dad, make a right on Park. - Did you hear her?
I heard her, okay?
Are you cold back there?
- No. - Really?
- I'm chilly. - We're almost there, Mom.
- I want to see him alone. - Of course.
- Hello. Can I help you? - Yeah, hi.
I'd like to see Louis D'Amico in the marketing and publicity department.
- And your name is? - Eliza D'Amico. I'm his wife.
Oh, I knew you looked familiar. We met at the party at the Rainbow Room.
- Oh, uh, Cassandra. - Yes!
- Oh, hi. It's nice to see you. - You too.
- This is my mother. - Oh.
Hi. I'm Louis's mother-in-law.
So nice to meet you.
You are so lucky to have Louis. He's so sweet.
We all love Louis.
I love your ‒ what do you call that, a brooch?
Isn't it cute? Thanks.
So let me get Louis for you.
Hi. Is Louis in?
Uh-huh.
When will he be back?
Oh, really? Okay. Thanks. Bye.
He's out. Chap gave him the rest of the day off 'cause of the holidays.
But you know what you should do?
Why don't you go back and talk to Chap, 'cause he might know more.
Do you know which way to go?
Uh, did you hear the reading on the 23rd moved to the 25th?
Listen. I got a story for you.
Friday night, I'm at the Three Deuces, right, and I'm wasted.
And, uh, I start talking to this sweet, soft-spoken girl, right?
And I'm really digging her, but I'm not getting any vibe back,
and it's not going anywhere.
Then this punk chick from the other end of the bar
comes over and starts talking to us, and right off the bat,
- she starts talking about sex. - What did she look like?
She was sexy, in a Ruben-esque kind of way.
- She was fat? - No, she was... voluptuous.
She was full, okay? And she starts telling me about her sex life
in unbelievably explicit detail.
Isn't it weird when a total stranger tells you that much about their sex life?
I mean, that's a little desperate, right?
Desperate ‒ that's your type.
So eventually,
the sweet girl goes to the restroom and I'm alone with this punk chick.
And I figure, what the hell? Might as well add me to the list, right?
So I go, "Let's go over to my place."
And she looks at me like, "You're disgusting!" and takes off.
- I hope that's not the end of this yarn. - No.
Then I notice that there was a $20 bill I'd left on the bar, and it's gone,
and this punk chick ripped me off.
By now I'm really bombed. It's late. What am I gonna do?
Now the bar's closing, they're kicking everybody out,
and I offer to walk the sweet girl home.
And get this. She goes, "Let's go to your place."
- Really? Do tell. - Well, it was a lot of fun.
And as you may know, it's been a while for me,
so she had to kind of walk me through it, but we took care of business.
Next morning, I wake up with this woman,
realize I have completely forgotten her name.
Well, you're a classy guy.
I'm telling you, man, I am racking my brain.
Finally she goes to the bathroom. I start rooting through her purse.
I'm whipping things out. I pull out a credit card that says Cindy Bartlett.
Shove it back in just as she comes out. Everything's cool.
I get her outside and in a cab. As she's getting in the cab, I say,
"It was really nice seeing you, Cindy. Could I get your number?"
And she looks at me like I'm insane. Hops in the cab, takes off.
Last night, I'm back at the Three Deuces. I'm getting bombed.
In walks the punk chick. I go, "I'm sorry. I can't remember your name."
She goes, "Cindy Bartlett.
And by the way, you didn't happen to find my wallet the other night, did you?"
You banged a felon. Good for you. Are you waiting for Chap?
- Yeah. - Are you an author?
No.
Too bad.
You'd look good on a book jacket. My name's Eddie.
How do you do? I'm Eliza D'Amico. My husband works here.
Oh.
I, um, have a book that they're publishing here.
- Your husband is Louis? - Yes.
- He's a great guy. - What's the name of your book?
It's, uh, Earthly Delights.
Earthly Delights? Oh, Edward Masler.
Oh, yeah, I read your manuscript. It's very interesting.
- Good "interesting?" - Yeah.
Since you're a writer, can I ask you a literary question?
You could ask me a literary question, yeah.
Have you ever heard of the poet Andrew Marvell?
Sure, he's great. He wrote one of my all-time favorite poems,
"To His Coy Mistress."
Well...
do you recognize this?
"Therefore the love which us doth bind but fate so enviously debars
is the conjunction of the mind and opposition of the stars."
That's the end of "The Definition of Love." It's a beautiful poem.
- It's a love poem? - Yeah, it's full of great images.
He uses the image of himself and his true love
on opposite poles of the earth.
The last line, "the opposition of the stars," has a double meaning.
He's talking about the fact that
they can't see the same stars, the same heaven,
because they're on opposite sides of the planet, and also, uh,
it means that their love is in opposition to the stars,
against fate.
There's a great line somewhere like, um,
"Our love is truly parallel...
though infinite, can never meet."
Their love is perfect but impossible.
- Are you all right? - Oh, yes.
Hello, Eliza. Can you give me one sec, please?
Aaron, did you fax that press release?
No, I'm, um, writing it right now.
Oh, well, please, Aaron, take your time.
I think since we've completely missed the deadline,
you might as well take the whole weekend to write the tiny paragraph.
- Oops. - Sorry. I was chewing his ear off.
Well, that's all right. It's lucky these cubicles absorb all sound.
Otherwise... God knows what kind of pathetic stories
I'd have to hear about my employees' sex lives.
- So, Eliza, how can I help you? - Oh, uh,
I made a last-minute trip into the city. My sister's visiting,
and we just thought we'd stop by and see if Louis was around.
Oh, I'm sorry. I gave Louis the rest of the day off.
I don't know where he went. He might check in.
Oh, you know what? The book party tonight.
I might have an invitation somewhere.
I have one.
Oh, very nice.
- Thank you. - I'm sure Louis will be there.
All right. Thank you. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Your name is Sandra?
No, Cassandra.
That's beautiful.
- Thanks. - I bet a lot of people call you Sandy.
No.
No one's ever called me Sandy.
- No? - Yeah.
Excuse me.
Cordelia Press.
Chap doesn't know where Louis is,
but he said that he should be at this book party later.
I don't know. What should we do?
Where does Louis work? Where is his desk?
We should take a look.
No!
I'm gonna get a paper.
Dad...
My mom's driving me insane.
Oh, sweetie, you shouldn't let them bother you.
She's so out of touch.
- Yeah, but it's not her fault. - Why do you say that?
I mean, it's the fate of the middle class.
Everything about middle-class life ‒ you know, cars,
suburbs, strip malls, tabloid television ‒
It's all designed to keep people from having meaningful interactions.
The average American knows more about the latest maniac
who keeps human heads in their freezer than they do about their own spouse.
And that's a ‒ that's ‒ You know, that ‒
Yeah, that is the big failing of a democracy.
It tends towards the middle, towards mediocrity.
- What's the alternative? - We'd be better off under an aristocracy.
I know it's not a fair system, but there's never gonna be a fair system.
At least the aristocrats had taste. They did things with class.
Christ, they even went to the guillotine with class.
But-But what about the rest of us, the non-aristocrats?
Well, those of us who had the ambition and intelligence and talent
would find ways of joining the aristocracy,
and the rest, you know, those who don't give a damn
about art and culture anyways would work.
There's nothing wrong with work.
I respect the working class far more than I do the middle class.
Those people, you know, they're connected to the earth.
They have values. They have God.
What does the middle class have? Infomercials.
Mm. Ugh.
I have to pee again.
Try and forgive your mother. She truly is the victim of a deadly system.
I saw this on Matlock the other night. You press the redial button,
and then the phone rings the last number Louis called.
Oh, please. Mom, don't.
It's ringing.
See?
Hello, Mom.
- What is the matter with you? - This is ridiculous.
- Don't, no. You're gonna mess up his desk. - I'm looking, that's all. I'm looking.
Don't touch all of his papers.
Mom, just stop. This is an invasion of privacy, okay?
It's one thing when you used to read my diary ‒
- I never read your diary. - Mom, please?
For God's sake.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Hi, you've reached the home of Eliza and Louis. Please leave ‒
Cordelia Press.
Eliza, look at this.
That doesn't prove anything.
- Look. - Hi, you've reached Sandy and Monica.
We're not in. Leave a message, and we'll get back to you. Thanks.
Well, the pictures on the street,
they're wearing the same clothes they were wearing at the party.
- Sandy could live here. - Look at this.
There's a restaurant in the background. You see that?
- Oh, my G ‒ It says "Berry's"? "Berry's"? - Yep, that's what it says.
- Wow. - I'm worried. I'm very worried.
It still doesn't prove anything.
375 Spring Street.
There's that steakhouse we used to go to with Ken and Eileen.
Oh, yeah.
What if Louis is involved with this woman?
If Louis is cheating, I can assure you it has nothing to do with love.
I know men.
Maybe Sandy's this really incredible person.
If she's so incredible,
then why would she go after someone else's husband?
Maybe she's desperately in love with him.
Don't be ridiculous. Nobody's desperately in love.
Eliza, don't worry about it. You don't know if Louis has done anything.
It would never occur to me to write a note like this.
Anyone can copy some 17th-century Elizabethan metaphysical poet.
You know, from a book.
That's Berry's there. Then it has to be ‒
Louis is entering a blue door. We should look for a blue door.
We're gonna look for clues across the street, Eliza.
Okay.
Mom, look.
What?
Come on over here. We found it.
Monica Young, Sandy Pierce. 2A.
What should we do?
- Should we ring the buzzer? - No.
Let's just wait and see if somebody shows up.
You guys should go. I'm ruining your day.
- We don't mind being here, do we, Carl? - God, no. Of course not.
Thanks, guys.
Mom almost caught us doing it this morning.
Are you kidding me?
I snuck into bed with Carl.
Louis and I never did it in that house.
Why not? You're allowed to.
I know, but Mom's always snooping around. I don't want her hearing me orgasm.
Do it in the morning, when she's so busy letting Dad have it in the kitchen.
I hope you're taking precautions with Carl.
Oh, yeah. We use a condom and spermicidal gooey stuff.
Good.
Are you still trying to get pregnant?
Well, we were, but we kind of stopped. Louis feels he isn't ready yet.
Mm.
Can I have a cigarette?
Why did I wear this skirt? I am so cold.
Don't let Mom hear you say that.
- There you go. - Thanks.
Okay, Mom, you win. I am freezing my ass off.
I think there's a coat in the back somewhere.
If you can find it in that mess.
Oh, thank you, Carl.
We have been freezing to death in here.
Ah! What is this?
It's herbal tea. I got it from the gourmet shop on the corner.
- It's, uh, jasmine blend. - Ooh!
So, Carl, why don't you finish telling us the story of your novel?
Oh, I don't think everyone wants to hear that.
- Oh, come on. - I'd like to.
We all want to hear, Carl.
Well, when we left off, the man with the dog's head
had become this sort of charismatic figure,
boldly challenging the complacency of society.
He refers to our "pass the buck" political system as
- a corrupt role model for the individual, - Yeah.
...so he starts telling people, "Stop blaming each other for your own problems
and look within yourselves for a way to effect change.
- Right. - Everyone is really impressed.
People seem to have completely forgotten that he is essentially
one-eighth German Shorthaired Pointer.
Then...
this group of far-right religious extremists
- plant a mail bomb in his office. - Oh, my God!
The bomb goes off in his hands. He's rushed to the hospital.
- It's not clear whether he will make it. - Hey, look.
- What should we do? - Liza, go talk to him.
Okay, Jim, follow him.
Do you think they saw us?
They're gonna turn.
- You got it clear, Dad. Make a right. - Right. Right.
Hello! Aah!
Go ahead.
Go on!
It's not red, it's amber. Amber doesn't mean you have to stop.
What do you want me to do, drive up on the curb?
That was the world's shortest car chase.
- Eliza! - Rita?
Mom!
- Liza, yell to him. - I can't.
- Louis! - Louder. Louis!
Louis!
Louis! Louis!
- Louis! - Mother!
- Where's your father? - Just cool it. He's right there.
Get back in the car. Get back in the car. We have to follow him.
Back in the car, you idiot!
- Rita! - Jesus! Look out.
Give her some air. We need to elevate her feet. Liza, put them in your lap.
- Mama? - Jo, keep talking to her.
We got to get her inside. Someplace warm.
- Don't go into the light, Mom. - Jo...
- Excuse me. Do you live here? - Yeah. Why?
My girlfriend's mother has just fainted.
We need to get her inside, out of the cold.
They are good people. This is not a scam. Can you help us, please?
- I guess I ‒ - Thank you.
- Dad, we need the couch. - Sit down here, Rita. Are you all right?
Easy, easy.
- Do you have any bottled water? - Uh, yeah.
- What the hell is going on here? - Dad, it's cool. Relax.
- What the hell is going on? - Shh!
My girlfriend's mother just passed out on the street. We wouldn't intrude ‒
- Who the hell are you? - Excuse me.
Ronnie, do you know any of these people?
- Relax, Dad, all right? Here. - Sit up and drink some water.
- Oh! Oh, my God! - How do you feel? Huh?
I-I'm dizzy. I...
Drink, drink. You need to rehydrate yourself, Rita. There you go.
- She passed out? - Yeah.
Uh... Oh, I'm sorry, you know? You caught me by surprise.
You can't be too careful in the city, you know?
You never know what some nut's gonna try and pull off on you, right?
So we decided to stick around and see if she shows up.
I mean, there was nothing else for us to do.
Yeah, well, sure. The book party is not till 6:30, right?
- Right. - So you got hours to kill.
Exactly. So we decided to all sit in the car
and wait and see who came out of the building.
And we were all freezing to death until Carl here, this sweetheart,
he runs out and he brings us back this really nice gourmet tea.
- What kind of tea was that? - It was a jasmine blend.
So we're waiting and waiting, and finally...
This young woman,
the one in the photograph, comes out of the building.
- Sandy. - Mm-hmm.
- With Louis. - No.
Ohh...
Well, that's not definitive proof that something's going on.
Then they get into a cab, and we start following them.
But we got stuck at a traffic light.
- And then? - And then my mom suddenly turns
into Wesley Snipes, jumps out of the car and chases after Louis's cab.
It was great. It was great.
That's when I had my fainting spell!
Was that something?
Oh, my God! Oh!
And luckily Carl stepped in,
and he took care of everything.
That was very quick thinking, Carl.
Well, it's what anyone else would've done in that situation.
Oh, stop that. That's nonsense.
This one is so hard on himself.
I'm starving. Whatever happened to lunch, Ronnie?
- I haven't had time to go to the store. - Why don't all of you guys stay for lunch?
- Oh, no, no, Leon. - No. I'm gonna go shopping.
You have already put yourself out for us enough as it is.
And I'd like to make it up to you for being,
you know, a little confused when you came in.
- Come on. Stay for lunch. - That is so sweet of you.
I guess we're hungry. Are you hungry, Carl?
- I'm always hungry. - Great.
Ronnie, why don't you run down to the store,
and you get some cold cuts for all of us for lunch?
You know what?
I think maybe I'll make us all some nice, hot soup.
Huh? I'm gonna see what you have in the house.
Are you sure, Rita? Don't you think you should rest or something?
No, I'm fine, now that I'm in from the cold.
See, I'm no good in the cold. Thin blood.
For the love of God, don't let her make soup.
I'll get it.
You kids!
- All you have here is junk food! - Hello?
Chips and soda. That's all they eat, these kids.
Hello, Mom. How are you? Yeah.
- You could use a little, uh ‒ - Shh! Shh!
No, no. That's just one of the guys here that ‒
They're over here, we're gonna play some basketball.
No. No, I haven't heard from him. Um...
Yeah, of c ‒ Sure, I will. Yeah, of course. You know.
Right, look, let me, uh...
I really got to go, 'cause we're just out the door, so let me...
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Yeah, okay. No, I will. I...
Bye, bye.
Say, Rita, why don't you make a list and see what we need,
and we'll send a couple kids down to the store.
Oh, that sounds swell, Leon.
Uh, is this romaine lettuce?
- Yeah. - Ah. Lucky guess.
I can never tell.
It's really nice of you and your dad to help us out.
Oh, no problem.
You guys spend a lot of time together?
I don't really have much choice. He's kind of taken over the place.
- Oh. Oh! - Oh, boy.
Thanks. What do you mean, he's taken over?
Well,
my mom and dad, they split up when I was in high school,
he hasn't been so great about paying his alimony and child support.
I have two younger brothers who still live at home, and...
Anyway, uh, he's been so bad about paying his alimony
that there's basically a subpoena out for his arrest, so, uh,
I'm harboring a fugitive at the moment.
God, Leon. Kids.
I didn't give birth to my girls till later in life.
I had trouble conceiving.
Novenas, everything.
Eliza, I remember she was a breech birth.
Excruciating. You know what I mean?
And you. You, miss. Ha!
She was a change-of-life baby.
Who knew? What a shock.
Ronnie was sort of a difficult baby,
but, uh, he grew up to be a real quiet kid.
- Real shy. - That's not entirely true.
You remember when you were in the Boy Scouts
and you were elected to go door-to-door to sell raffles?
Do you remember how upset you were?
- Yes, I remember. - So upset I had to go with him.
- I had to do all the talking. - Mom went with me too.
You're not as shy now.
Shy or not, Ronnie saved the day for us today.
He sure did, yeah.
He's a good kid.
I read somewhere the experts were saying that, you know,
shyness should be discouraged in childhood
because it could lead to antisocial behavior.
- I read it in a mag ‒ - Oh, please, Mom.
I'm not making this up. Well, I don't know.
I mean, you're not antisocial.
Sometimes I am.
We all are.
Sometimes.
You know, I've been pretty antisocial of late,
but it's really great to have surprise guests here.
Uh, say, would anyone want some more wine or anything?
Thank you.
Ronnie, what do you do?
Um, I'm in my second year of business school,
graduate business school at Columbia.
Oh, that's good. Very good.
You seem like a very nice young man, Ronnie.
- And smart too. - He's a real nice kid.
You know, I've been traveling a lot lately for the last couple of years,
so I figured I'd come up here and spend some time and visit the kid,
and, uh, we've been having fun.
Ah!
- Um, what do you do, Eliza? - I teach fourth grade.
It's hard, but, uh, I really love the kids, so...
- Do you have any kids of your own? - Not yet.
Oh, that's good, you know? I'm ‒ Uh...
Could be messy, uh...
You know, uh...
- Oh. Oh, my God. - What? What?
- I've got this excruciating pain. - What? What?
Arthritis.
You want some aspirin or...
I had bursitis. I used to be a tennis pro.
I had bursitis so bad in my shoulder I had to quit playing tennis.
This is worse. This is my cross to bear. Oh, God.
It's brutal, right?
You know, Rita, I know a shiatsu pressure-point thing
for your fingers there, if you'd like.
- Really? - Yeah. Here, let me show you.
You find the pressure points and then come up along the knuckles like this, see?
- Ah! - Does that feel good?
It works. See that?
- Carl's plucking my nerves. - How come?
The way he dotes on Mom is making me a little sick.
Yeah, well, Mom better chill.
She's starting to give me a little headache.
You want some more wine, Rita?
Oh, my God. I shouldn't.
- Come on. - All right. Thank you.
Oh, my God. Carl.
- So, um, what's next for you, Leon? - I have a few options right now.
I have a friend of mine in Miami, Florida, you know, in South Beach.
He wants me to come down and manage his nightclub.
It's a real swanky place. Magicians, singers.
So I'm just tossing around different options.
- Jo, you're a lovely young lady. - Thank you so much.
- All the best to you. - Oh, great. Nice meeting you, Robert.
- Carl, good luck to you with your book. - Thank you.
Rita, you stay out of the cold, you hear?
Oh, Leon, what a generous man.
- Jim, it's been a pleasure. - Leon, you're the best.
Thank you. Eliza...
You have your family. They can help you.
- Your family. - Thanks, Leon.
Wasn't Leon a nice guy? Salt of the earth, you know?
Yeah, but that telephone incident.
That was very odd.
Gave me the willies.
Oh, come on. I'm sure there was some reasonable explanation.
- It wasn't any of our business. - Oh, you're probably right, Carl.
So, should I continue with my novel?
Oh, yes. So dog man
is in the hospital because of the mail bomb.
Right, and there's this team of surgeons working around the clock, trying ‒
I'm sorry to interrupt. Does this dog have a name?
Fido.
That was hostile.
I was kidding. I was kidding.
His name's Noah, like in the Bible.
So Noah survives the operation
but loses his hands.
Ah. So he's a man
with a dog's head and no hands.
Exactly.
A pointer who can't point.
Huh?
We're here.
Who's going in?
I don't want to go in. I don't want to do this in front of Louis's coworkers.
Jo and I could see if he's there.
- You mind, Miss Malone? - No, I'd love a mint julep right now.
Let's go.
I'm so hungry.
I couldn't take Mother's soup.
It was disgusting. This coat smells. This coat smells.
I feel like I'm turning into Grandpa, Carl.
Ah, gross!
I hope Norman Mailer isn't here.
- Jo? - Huh?
- What are you doing? - I just want to look nice.
You really think Norman Mailer will be here?
Yes, the book is a fiction,
but I propose it is informed by my relationship with my stepfather.
He was sort of a cross between a Fred MacMurray and a Pol Pot.
Now, that is quite a polarity, and it was quite a challenge...
We need to open another bottle of vodka.
It seems that you've put most of the last bottle in your mouth.
Thank you.
Oh, oh. People coming in. People coming in.
Hi. I'm Aaron from Cordelia Press. And you are?
I'm Jo. I'm Jo. I'm Louis D'Amico sister-in-law.
- We're looking for Louis. Is he here yet? - Oh, no, he's not,
but put your coats in there and then help yourself to a drink.
- I certainly am. - Thanks.
- Louis isn't here yet. - Louis isn't here yet.
I heard him.
- Do you want us to wait for him upstairs? - All right, dear.
- She was a thief? - Yeah.
But, you know, I'd like to see her again.
- Really? - Yeah. I mean, you know,
if she wouldn't have a second date with me, I'd like to,
I don't know, have her arrested.
Aaron, I'd like you to perform a task that's vaguely associated with your job.
Excuse us.
Hi. Did I... Are you Louis D'Amico's sister-in-law?
- Yes, yes. - I thought, uh...
- I'm Jo. - I'm Eddie. How are ya? I work with Louis.
Really? What do you do?
Actually, Cordelia Press is publishing my novel.
Wow, that's great. Congratulations. Are they doing a good job?
Well, they're desperately trying to come up with a publicity campaign
to make it sexy to the public.
It's kind of like trying to make salt sexy to a slug.
So was Aaron telling you about his little liaison with the criminal element?
God, yeah, he was.
I thought it was kind of weird. Don't you think weird
when people you don't know start talking about their sexual exploits?
It's just... You know?
- Can I ask you something? - Sure.
What do you think of Louis D'Amico?
I don't know. What do you think about Louis D'Amico?
I don't know.
Carl, Eddie. Eddie, Carl.
Eddie's having his novel published by Louis's company.
You are? Wow, that's impressive.
I guess Jo told you I'm finishing up a novel myself.
No. Really?
Yeah, yeah. I hate to talk about it though.
- I know what you mean. - I have to find a bathroom.
God, you have the smallest bladder on this planet.
Jeez.
- Jo. Jo. - What?
- You're not gonna believe who's here. - Who?
- Nick. Nick Woodman. - Who?
Nick. The most important man in my life. I told you all about him.
You know, my writing teacher that semester I spent at Cambridge.
I want you to meet him. Uh, brilliant, brilliant writer.
No, wait. I'll get him back.
Well, I'm just gonna do the book tour...
Nick!
Nick?
Hi, it's Carl from, uh, the...
Shit.
Nick! Nick!
Wait, Nick!
Nick! Wait, Nick.
Hey, it's Carl. Carl Petrovich.
Carl thinks that democracy is the reason why the middle class is so mediocre,
that it just naturally tends toward the middle, toward mediocrity.
- What is he, a communist? - No, no.
He thinks that communism is totally unrealistic
in the cravenness of human nature.
Then what does Carl propose instead of a democracy?
He thinks we should live in an aristocracy.
- What? - Yeah.
Carl, I was just telling Eddie what we were talking about today
about aristocracies.
- Oh, yeah? - Where's your teacher?
- Hmm? - Where's your teacher?
Oh, uh, he had to be somewhere. He, uh, told me to give him a ring
before he left town.
- So what were you guys talking about? - Jo was saying that you, uh,
think an aristocracy is preferable to a democracy.
Well, if it were led by a-a cultured
and enlightened ruling class, yes, I do.
I see. What about the poor people?
- That's what I asked. - They could work.
Work has dignity, and there's value in work.
Would the common folk like to give up the vote?
Oh, come on.
You don't really think the vote has any bearing on social change, do you?
Of course it doesn't. Republican, Democrat, it doesn't matter.
They all think like managers.
As far as I'm concerned, Bush and Clinton are interchangeable.
They have no code of honor. At least the aristocracy had a...
a sense of, uh... you know, a code of honor.
I think you might be overestimating the ideals of aristocrats, Carl.
- Oh, good point. - And your take on politicians seems
simplistically cynical, even to me.
I wouldn't say cynical. Pragmatic, maybe. Cynical seems...
Longing for a return of the Borgias hardly sounds pragmatic.
So what, we should just accept everything and not question the system
like a ‒ like a bunch of sheep?
No, but it's ludicrous snobbery to think that
the brilliant and cultured can be up here
and the dumb workers down here but dignity all around.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm-I'm, uh,
not really in the mood for a political argument right now.
But, Carl, do you really think it makes no difference
whether there's a Republican or Democrat in office?
I don't really think he needs any help arguing his side.
I was asking that question myself.
I was stating, like, my opinion and what I thought.
I'm sorry. Forget it. Whoa, whoa. Forget it, forget it. Sorry.
It's me. I'm a little drunk. Sorry.
But there's one thing. There is a lot of mediocrity in the world,
that's a given, but, uh,
if you're a real writer, you have a choice.
You can whine about it or you can struggle against it.
That's where the best writing comes from ‒ struggling against
your society, your conscience, your appetites.
Frankly, I don't know if what I feel will mean anything
to an indifferent middle-class consumer society,
because, you know, I... I don't feel like one of them.
Excuse me.
Everybody, I just wanted to make sure you got a chance to meet
our guest of honor, Amy Corinne Fairbright-Lebow.
Thank you, Chap.
Hi. Um, I'm sort of nervous.
Um, thank you everyone for coming.
Uh, anyway, I must confess I find it odd
to be experiencing such feelings of joy in association with a book
that is principally a devastating account of spiritual asphyxiation.
So with that in mind, um,
I'd like to read a selection of journal entries,
um, from the year 1976.
Where the hell is that husband of yours?
We can't sit here and freeze to death.
Let's go find a restaurant, someplace warm.
We'll leave a note on the car for Jo.
Don't be stupid.
By the time we find a place and leave a note on the car, they'll be back down.
Why didn't you think of this an hour ago?
Where the hell is he going?
- What, are you gonna leave me here? - I'll be right back.
Tell your father to get back here!
Will you hand me that bag? That's the last thing.
But be careful. It's Waterford crystal.
- Here we go. - Thanks.
- Hiya, Dad. - Oh, hi, kid.
This is my daughter, Eliza.
- Hi. - Hi.
Listen, I hope you're not gonna leave any of this stuff unattended.
- Somebody might steal it. - Oh, listen, I'm leaving as soon as I can.
Actually, you could help me.
There's something upstairs that's very heavy I have to move.
I could use a couple of extra hands.
Honest to God, it would only take a minute.
- Sure! - No, let me help you. He has a bad back.
- Ah, my back isn't so bad. - You stay and watch the car. I'll help.
All right, but you better watch your back, especially with your occupation.
She's a human fly. Climbs skyscrapers.
He's kidding.
Oh.
Well, this'll only take a minute.
Follow me.
Dad, thanks for driving us around all day.
Sure, kid.
You coming?
You got another one.
It's not just the elevator. The whole building smells like rat poison.
My mother died. My sister and I are, uh,
cleaning out the apartment.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, would've been so much easier if she'd bothered to write a will.
Hello.
This is Eliza. She's gonna help me move something.
Hello. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother.
Oh, thanks, sweetheart.
She lasted much longer than any of the doctors thought she would.
- What is this? - It's the Chevalier barometer.
Our mom worked as a maid in the Astoria Hotel,
and Maurice Chevalier gave her this.
- I wonder how much we can get for it. - Doris, we can't sell this.
What's all this?
It's Mom's medication. I cleaned out the medicine cabinet.
Well, let's split it up.
Okay.
This is ampicillin.
I could use some of that. I'm always getting sick in the winter.
Excuse me. Can I use your telephone? I need to call my answering machine.
Well, the plug's over there. Just follow the cord.
I have a small TV. I would like one like Mom's.
Now, you've already got the stereo, and you've got all the records.
Well, that's because you weren't interested in any of those things.
In other words, you should get whatever you want and I should get nothing.
You took extra pills. I'm gonna take this Tylenol with codeine.
No, you are not. We are splitting the Tylenol with codeine.
- I'm gonna take these sleeping pills. - No. We'll split those too.
What do you need sleeping pills for?
Well, it's very hard to sleep in the city.
All that noise?
You do not take sleeping pills because there's some noise in the city.
You take sleeping pills if you have a serious sleep disorder.
Okay. Oh, my God. I've completely lost count.
I don't know if this is your pill or it's my pill.
You give me those.
Tylenol with codeine.
Amoxicillin.
- Oh, my God! - Valium. Oh!
Doesn't she look just like Carol Anne?
My God!
She was our favorite cousin.
She wore her hair like this.
I really have to go. My dad is waiting for me downstairs.
Look, I need that young woman to help me move the television.
That's the only thing I want, so I think I should really have it.
- Then I want the silver. - Fine.
My sister ‒ she wonders why I never come to visit her.
Isn't it obvious? Look at her?
It's depressing to be around somebody like that. She's like a child.
Well, she's your sister.
So what? Just because she happens to be my sister?
She might as well be somebody I met in an elevator.
There's the elevator.
Look out!
- We need to back around. - Look out!
I'm not carrying your weight here.
Ouch! I hurt my hand. Can you get that button?
- Where the hell have you been? - We caught a double feature.
- Ha, ha. Louis never showed. - What?
The book party is breaking up, and Louis didn't show.
Can you believe this? Where the hell is he?
Maybe I should call the machine again.
Oh, why the hell not?
Shit. I left my bag inside the party.
- I'll go get it. - No, I'll get it.
It's not a problem. I'll get the bag, Jo.
You don't have to do everything for everybody, Carl.
I don't do everything for everybody.
You just take a very long time doing certain things.
Well, I promise I won't take a very long time.
And she was sexy, you know,
in a Ruben-esque kind of way, right?
And right off the bat, she starts talking to me about sex.
About screwing her roommate's boyfriend in the entryway to her apartment building,
seducing the cable guy...
Hey.
- Is this yours? - Yeah. Thanks.
Uh, I'm glad I got to say good-bye.
Have you seen the view from the bedroom? It's really worth seeing.
- No, I just have to ‒ - Come on. It'll just take a second.
- There's no view. - Yeah, whatever.
I gotta go.
Yeah, I gotta go. I'm sorry.
M'kay.
- Found it. - Great.
So, you been around the block, right?
Okay, good night.
Well, um, do ‒
Look in your address book, under T.
- Good night. - Good night.
Hi, honey. It's me. Can you pick up? Hello?
Eliza?
Where are you?
Well, I'm calling to say this book party's going a little later than I thought,
and then Chap wants me to come out to dinner with the author.
I think I'm gonna be a little late.
In fact, what I might do is stay in Chap's guest room if this goes too late.
But, uh, I don't know.
Uh, I'll call you back in an hour or two.
Okay? Okay. Bye.
Do you want me to come with you?
No, I'll go alone.
Hello?
Yeah, come on up!
♪ The things that I used to do ♪
♪ Never do them no more, baby ♪
♪ Yeah, the things that I used to do ♪
♪ Yeah, I ain't never gonna do them ♪
♪ No more ♪
Are you Sandy's friend? Have we met? Did you go to Vassar?
- No. - Oh. Do you take yoga on 10th?
- No. - Do you want a drink? I'm drinking gin.
In fact, I wanted to fill the whole bathtub with gin,
but the health-conscious contingent got here first
and filled it with hummus.
Just kidding.
Here. Drink up.
There. You seem a little bit nervous, jumpy.
What's the matter? Some guy here you like?
There's a guy here I like. I like him a lot.
See that guy? We went out for three and a half years.
If he tries to pick you up, I say go for it.
He's a real stand-up gent.
And awfully good in the sack too.
My only complaint with him is his tiny
"falling out of love" problem.
It's odd, but one might think that
my seeing him here for the first time
in, oh, roughly
11 months and 19 days,
that might have something do do with my drinking more gin and tonics
than a boat full of WASPs at a Hyannis Port regatta.
That's a really cute dress you're wearing. It's really adorable.
Uh, so, do you know Sandy?
- What? - Do you know Sand ‒
- Do you know Sandy? - Oh, no, no.
Um, I don't really know anybody here. I was meeting some friends ‒
Well, don't leave me.
I'm gonna call the machine.
I go to school in Michigan, but I definitely...
I think I'm gonna be back here for Christmas break,
'cause I really like New York.
I really enjoyed talking to you.
I like what you had to say.
I don't even know you. So I'm gonna go.
Roland called. He, uh...
He wants to borrow money again. Jesus.
- Who were you talking to? - Nobody.
I was standing right here. I saw you. You were talking to someone.
Who?
I was calling the machine.
No, you weren't. Words were coming out of your mouth.
You were having a conversation. Who were you talking to?
I was talking to the machine.
You were talking to our machine?
Why are you lying?
I'm not.
Jo, why are you lying to me?
Oh, Carl, God. It's such a long day.
You called that guy, didn't you? You purposefully left your purse
so you could go back there and talk to him, didn't you?
- What the fuck are you doing? - Don't yell at me!
- You called that fucker, didn't you? - Don't yell at me!
Why, Jo? Why-Why are you doing this?
Do you realize what you're doing when you lie to me?
Do you have any clue what trust is?
- What's going on? - Go back to the car.
- What did you do? - Go back to the car.
- I didn't do anything. Jesus Christ! - Yes, you did.
It's like the fucking Inquisition here! God!
Don't you talk that way to me!
Leave me alone. Just leave me alone.
I don't know what's going on here, but you better wise up.
Carl is a good man, and he loves you.
- Oh, Mom ‒ - This is no joke.
- Oh, please. - Carl will look after you.
- Save it, okay? Save it. - Carl is a good person.
He is dedicated to you.
And if you screw this up
by chasing after God knows what, you're a fool!
A fool! Just wise up!
You know, you don't know me, okay? So just leave me alone!
- You're an idiot! - Jo, can I talk to you, please?
Go to the car! No, I don't want to talk to you!
I'm sick of talking to you, I'm sick of listening to you,
I'm sick of you!
- I'm sick of you! - Good. Find someone else to be sick of.
- Carl, wait. Please, Carl, please. - No, it's no use.
Please. I'll talk to her, okay?
Carl, she's a foolish girl. She always has been.
No, actually she's not.
And she needs you.
She needs you, Carl. Please don't go.
I know you love her.
- I have to find a bathroom. - Okay.
Look, so, Carl, okay, I will talk to her, all right?
Yes.
You tell me what the hell is going on
before you throw away the best thing
- that ever happened to you in your life. - You have no right!
You have no right giving anybody advice, Mom.
Okay? You have no right.
You pushed... You pushed Eliza to marry Louis.
- Now look what's happening, Mom! - I what?
Look what's happening! You don't know anything, Mom!
You know nothing, Mom! You know nothing!
Come back here! Now!
What are you doing standing there like a bull?
Why don't you do something?
Hell, what can I do?
You are useless.
Useless!
I want you to just look over there and tell me, is he looking at me?
No, wait!
Is he looking at me? No, wait!
Or is he looking at the redhead with the big...
Okay, now look.
Is he looking at me?
No.
Look again. Do you think he knows I'm here?
No, wait. Don't let him see you looking like that. You're staring.
- I don't think he is. - Okay, we need some more drinks, darling.
- Monica! Hi! How are you? - Hi!
Where'd you go?
Do you know where Sandy is?
Oh, I think Sandy's on the roof. Do you want to go up? Perfect.
They got lights and everything up there. Do some dancing...
We can... dance!
Eliza!
Eliza, where are you going? Where are you going?
What are you doing? What are you doing in the city?
What are you doing?
What are you doing in the city? What?
What's the matter with you?
I came to this party, I came with Chap, and-and, um,
he said, you know, he's having a party, do you want to go?
And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I came.
Are you mad that I came to the party? You're mad 'cause I didn't tell you.
- I'm sorry. - Louis, stop lying.
- Stop lying about what? - I saw you.
- You saw me what? - I saw you and Sandy... kissing.
- All right. Oh, God, Eliza ‒ - Don't tell me I didn't see what I saw.
- Let me just try to explain. - You have to explain, don't you?
Yes, I do, I do. You're right. Okay. Calm down.
Look, let me tell you some stuff that I've been...
that I've been trying to figure out, okay?
Don't touch me, Louis. Jesus Christ.
Okay, all right, honey, let's go someplace and talk.
- You'll be sorry. - No, no, no! No, no, no!
Wait! Wait a minute.
Now, wait. Eliz ‒ Come here. Wait.
No, no, no. Eliza, come here! Let me just talk to you for a minute.
- Okay? Let's just go and talk. - What in God's name is going on?
Jesus Christ. Rita, what are you doing here?
- What is this? - Are you cheating on Eliza? Are you?
What is this, a family affair? Why is everybody here?
Did he tell you? Is he having an affair with that woman?
I'm asking you. You know, you exchanged vows.
- No, no. - Vows, Louis.
- I know that. I know, I know. - Vows.
- Can I please have a moment? - Then what is the explanation?
- Just tell me, what is the explanation? - Louis, are you okay?
Oh, yes, yes. Everything's okay. Everything's fine, Sandy.
Just go back upstairs. Everything's fine. I'll be in there... I'll be in there...
I'll be in there in a minute.
- Oh, God! - All right. Okay. All right.
Oh, my God!
- Eliza, can you and I go talk right now? - No!
Rita, will you stop? Can I please have a conversation...
You're garbage, that's what you are.
Does your mother know about her son?
Mrs. Malone, could you please not bring my mother into this?
Yeah, well, your mother has a right to know about her son.
No, she doesn't have every right to know! I'm a grown man!
- Can I have a conversation with my wife? - How could you hurt her like that?
How could you do this to Eliza, huh?
How could you do that to me? I loved you, Louis.
- I loved you like you were my own boy. - I know, I know. I know that.
- Yes. - And I loved you like you were my mother.
- Can I please talk to my wife? - Don't touch her!
Come on. Eliza's going with us. Get in the car.
Eliza, will you please come with me?
Eliza, can I please have a... Can you stop staring at me, please?
Get in the car. Shut up! Don't you touch her!
Get in the car. Come on. We're going.
Now!
- Can I talk to you... - Don't touch her!
- Rita, will you please let me talk to her? - Don't touch her! I'll kill you!
You'll kill me? Rita... Eliza, can I please talk to you?
Jim, let's go.
Eliza, you want to go?
What are you doing? I said, let's go.
I'm asking Eliza what she wants to do.
Oh, now, at this late hour, you're asking Eliza what she wants to do?
Isn't that a little strange that now you are getting involved?
- Why do you sit there like that? What ‒ - Shut up, Rita!
- You're a weak ‒ - Shut up!
I'll tell you what I want to do, Dad.
And thanks for asking.
- I want to get the fuck out of this car. - Oh, no. Please, Eliza. Please don't go.
Eliza!
I have two idiots for daughters.
Honey, honey, honey, thank you. Thanks.
- Okay. - Let's go someplace and talk, okay?
Let's just talk here, because I have a few questions I want to ask you.
- Can you just give me... - Yeah.
All right, now, do you think you're gay?
Why are you smiling at that? What is so funny about that question?
No, nothing's funny. No, it's just, that's a very...
That's a very difficult question for me to answer.
Okay, fine, fine, fine. Let me phrase it to you in a different way.
Are you having sex with this person?
Yes, but... Yes. Yes, but I don't know...
- How long has this been going on? - Not very long.
Like, six months.
- Six months? - Yes, but it's nothing. I mean...
Since December. Whenever.
That's a year, Louis. A year!
Okay.
Do you love this person?
- I don't know. I don't even know. - Louis, wait, wait.
- It just turned into ‒ - What is it like? What is it like ‒
I don't know! I don't know what it is. I don't know! I don't know what it is!
I don't know! I don't know! I don't know what it is!
I don't know! And you have to help me find out.
I'm confused, and you have to help me!
Okay?
I have to help you?
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
Let's just go home.
Let's go home. Let's just go home, okay?
Let's just go home.
No.
Where is she going?
Eliza!
Eliza?
I should go with her.
I'm sorry, Carl.
I'm so sorry.
I, uh...
Are you gonna be in the car?
Yeah, I'll stay here to make sure your parents don't kill each other.
How are you gonna do that?
Soothe them to sleep with the last chapter of my novel.
- Thanks. - Go ahead.
Where are you going to, Miss Malone?
There's a riverboat that'll take me out of this here city.