1
00:00:01,370 --> 00:00:03,246
What's the most irritating thing
my parents say to me?

2
00:00:03,331 --> 00:00:06,166
"That's too much cologne."

3
00:00:06,250 --> 00:00:08,585
"That's how girls
end up dead."

4
00:00:08,669 --> 00:00:10,587
"Don't talk black to me."

5
00:00:10,671 --> 00:00:13,757
"It's inappropriate because
she's your teacher."

6
00:00:13,841 --> 00:00:15,759
How do you
even talk black?

7
00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:19,721
End words with "izzle"?
[Alex]
It's "talk back," you idiot.

8
00:00:19,805 --> 00:00:21,723
Oh.

9
00:00:21,807 --> 00:00:24,059
"Act more like an adult."

10
00:00:24,143 --> 00:00:27,354
What does "act more like
an adult" even mean?

11
00:00:27,438 --> 00:00:31,191
[Laughs]
Look at you, you're soaked!
That is so lame.

12
00:00:31,275 --> 00:00:33,234
You're the one
who wanted to do it!

13
00:00:34,672 --> 00:00:36,339
What are you two doing?

14
00:00:36,424 --> 00:00:38,049
Oh, I picked up one
of those Water Weasels.

15
00:00:38,134 --> 00:00:41,094
You hook it on the end
of the hose and it flies
around in the air.

16
00:00:41,220 --> 00:00:44,889
Just like a weasel.
Yeah. Look at how awesome.
He's so wet.

17
00:00:44,974 --> 00:00:46,683
I put the weasel
in my pants.

18
00:00:46,809 --> 00:00:48,727
He totally did.
[Laughs]
[Alex] Dork!

19
00:00:48,811 --> 00:00:50,854
Is there a reason why
my window's wet?

20
00:00:50,980 --> 00:00:53,064
Hmm. Very difficult to say.
I don't know.

21
00:00:53,190 --> 00:00:55,775
Up top- Ow! Ow!
What's wrong?

22
00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:57,360
Little-
Sweetie, you okay?

23
00:00:57,445 --> 00:00:58,862
Little twinge. Yeah.

24
00:00:58,946 --> 00:01:01,448
- I'll call 911.
- Maybe the firemen will come.

25
00:01:01,532 --> 00:01:03,450
- No, no! No, no!
- [Alex] Give me it!

26
00:01:03,534 --> 00:01:07,871
The firemen in our town have
a reputation for being hot.

27
00:01:07,955 --> 00:01:10,123
Do I resent that? Of course not.
These guys are my friends.

28
00:01:10,207 --> 00:01:12,125
I play basketball with them.
I bake for 'em.

29
00:01:12,209 --> 00:01:14,502
My question is: What's hot?

30
00:01:14,587 --> 00:01:16,504
[Jay]
Come on! Let's go! Let's go!

31
00:01:16,589 --> 00:01:20,008
Coming. Manny, it's inappropriate
because it's your teacher.

32
00:01:20,092 --> 00:01:21,968
What's the big deal
anyway?
[Vehicle Approaches]

33
00:01:22,094 --> 00:01:25,096
It's a surprise.
You'll see.
Oh, my God!

34
00:01:25,181 --> 00:01:27,432
[Gloria]
Ay, Jay, you didn't?
Yes, I did.

35
00:01:27,516 --> 00:01:29,184
I got us into that new Benihana.

36
00:01:29,268 --> 00:01:32,187
They got a chef there that can
flip a shrimp into his own hat.

37
00:01:32,271 --> 00:01:33,772
What the hell?

38
00:01:35,149 --> 00:01:38,193
Dad!
There's my boy!
[Laughs]

39
00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:40,153
The hell is he doing here?
Jay.

40
00:01:40,279 --> 00:01:43,656
No. He was supposed to pick up
Manny yesterday and disappointed
him again, as usual.

41
00:01:43,741 --> 00:01:46,910
Now he just sails in here
out of the blue?

42
00:01:46,994 --> 00:01:50,205
I don't like the guy.
Do I have reasons? Yeah.

43
00:01:50,289 --> 00:01:52,415
Good reasons? Yeah.

44
00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:56,252
How many reasons do I need?
None. I don't like the guy.

45
00:01:57,296 --> 00:01:59,255
[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

46
00:01:59,340 --> 00:02:03,426
♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

47
00:02:03,511 --> 00:02:06,513
♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

48
00:02:08,349 --> 00:02:11,434
So I would have called,
but while I was buying
this boat for a friend,

49
00:02:11,519 --> 00:02:15,522
- I got chased out to sea by
another boat y "tiqui tiqui".
- Were they pirates?

50
00:02:15,648 --> 00:02:17,732
I didn't stop to ask.
Well, it's not hard to tell.

51
00:02:17,817 --> 00:02:20,860
Did they have curvy swords
and sing songs about how fun
it is to be a pirate?

52
00:02:20,945 --> 00:02:24,447
[Laughing] Wow. Jay.
Such a beautiful house, huh?

53
00:02:24,532 --> 00:02:26,449
So, we were just
headed out to dinner.

54
00:02:26,534 --> 00:02:30,161
What, you think
I show up empty-handed?
I brought dinner- lobsters!

55
00:02:30,287 --> 00:02:32,747
Did you catch them
with your bare hands?
No.

56
00:02:32,832 --> 00:02:36,668
- But I bought them
with my bare hands.
- Wow!

57
00:02:36,752 --> 00:02:39,129
And I have some nice wine,
a good Cuban cigar for Jay.

58
00:02:39,213 --> 00:02:42,507
Hey, why don't you take a picture of him
with your new camera phone.

59
00:02:42,591 --> 00:02:45,593
- I don't have a camera phone.
- You do now.

60
00:02:45,678 --> 00:02:49,722
Awesome!
All of this excitement,
my heart is just going.

61
00:02:49,807 --> 00:02:53,434
Now, listen to me.
You bring that with you when
you come visit me this summer.

62
00:02:53,519 --> 00:02:56,896
We'll go in a race car
with my friend, and after
that, maybe a bullfight.

63
00:02:56,981 --> 00:03:00,900
I know all these guys.
The matadors, they're like artists.

64
00:03:00,985 --> 00:03:02,652
You're quite the bullfight
artist yourself.

65
00:03:02,736 --> 00:03:06,072
I, uh- Manny, why don't you
show your father to the kitchen?

66
00:03:06,157 --> 00:03:08,408
Por favor. Dios mío.
Someone put on some music.

67
00:03:08,492 --> 00:03:10,660
- Tonight, we dance!
- Oh, we're gonna dance.

68
00:03:10,744 --> 00:03:13,705
Oye, mi amor, ¿está bien
que me quede aquí esta noche?

69
00:03:13,789 --> 00:03:15,957
Ay, Javier, yo no sé.
Espérate para ver
qué puedo hacer.

70
00:03:16,041 --> 00:03:18,793
What did he say?
Does he need money
for the lobsters?

71
00:03:18,878 --> 00:03:20,795
Jay, be nice.
"Be nice."

72
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,548
I could be sitting grill-side,
watching a guy build
an onion volcano.

73
00:03:23,632 --> 00:03:28,469
Instead, I got Rico Suave in
my kitchen, and I got a stolen
boat in my driveway.

74
00:03:28,554 --> 00:03:30,638
If it was for me,
he'd be out of my life.

75
00:03:30,723 --> 00:03:33,016
But it's good for Manny
to be with his father.

76
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:36,060
I just can't believe
you ever fell for that act.

77
00:03:36,145 --> 00:03:39,314
Colombians can be
very persuasive.

78
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:43,693
They can make you agree to
things before you even know it.
You must have been pretty naive.

79
00:03:43,819 --> 00:03:47,280
Yeah. But now I'm with
the right man, okay?
Right.

80
00:03:47,406 --> 00:03:50,867
Javier is only going to
stay one night.
Good.

81
00:03:50,951 --> 00:03:52,452
Wait, what?

82
00:03:54,496 --> 00:03:57,832
[TV, Indistinct]
[Sniffling]

83
00:03:57,958 --> 00:04:00,835
Don't be mad.
I just got up to change her.
[Sniffles]

84
00:04:02,171 --> 00:04:04,172
Well, Mitchell really wanted
to Ferberize the baby.

85
00:04:04,256 --> 00:04:08,051
Ferberize. It is a method
of getting the baby to sleep
through the night...

86
00:04:08,135 --> 00:04:11,429
by, yes, basically letting her
cry herself to sleep.

87
00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:14,557
Torture.
It's not torture, Cam.

88
00:04:14,642 --> 00:04:18,937
It's just hard if you happen to
be a person who hates to hear
another person suffer.

89
00:04:19,021 --> 00:04:21,189
[Sobbing]
[Lily Crying On Monitor]

90
00:04:21,273 --> 00:04:23,441
[Mitchell]
Or two people suffer.

91
00:04:25,444 --> 00:04:27,278
[Wailing]
[Crying Continues]

92
00:04:27,404 --> 00:04:30,615
No, no. You got up to comfort her,
which only teaches her that
every time she cries,

93
00:04:30,699 --> 00:04:33,076
her daddy will come in and cuddle her
and put on her favorite-

94
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,578
[Chainsaw Whirring]
What are we watching?

95
00:04:35,663 --> 00:04:39,207
Brian De Palma's controversial
masterpiece Scarface.

96
00:04:39,333 --> 00:04:41,584
[Machine Gun Fire]
For the baby?

97
00:04:41,669 --> 00:04:44,921
She happens to like it.
I don't know if it's
the colors or the sounds-

98
00:04:45,005 --> 00:04:46,673
Oh, here comes
the nightclub massacre.
She loves it.

99
00:04:46,757 --> 00:04:49,133
Watch her little eyelids.
It's so cute. They get so heavy.

100
00:04:50,719 --> 00:04:52,595
[Phil]
Oh, that's bad.

101
00:04:52,721 --> 00:04:55,098
Oh, honey.
I'm fine.
No, I'm fine.

102
00:04:55,182 --> 00:04:57,267
I'm just-
Okay, that's cancer.

103
00:04:57,393 --> 00:05:00,103
Maybe it's just
a kidney stone.
"Just," Claire?

104
00:05:00,187 --> 00:05:02,814
- What's going on, guys?
- It's nothing. Go back to bed.

105
00:05:02,940 --> 00:05:04,816
No, but Dad-
Don't touch me.

106
00:05:04,942 --> 00:05:07,235
I bet it's just
a kidney stone.
"Just" again.

107
00:05:07,319 --> 00:05:08,987
Someone get your mom
a glass of water...

108
00:05:09,071 --> 00:05:12,031
and a piece of gravel
from the driveway
and see how she likes it.

109
00:05:12,157 --> 00:05:14,993
Why is everybody yelling?
Something's wrong with Dad.

110
00:05:15,077 --> 00:05:16,744
Don't frighten him.
Come here.

111
00:05:16,829 --> 00:05:19,455
Oh, that's gotta be death!
Death is coming!

112
00:05:19,581 --> 00:05:21,332
Okay, you need to
go to the hospital.
Yeah.

113
00:05:21,417 --> 00:05:24,294
No, no, no. I just need a pill.
Give me the biggest one
you can find.

114
00:05:24,378 --> 00:05:26,629
Honey, breathe.
Just-Just breathe.

115
00:05:26,714 --> 00:05:30,883
That's what I told you when you
were in labor and you threw
my smoothie at me. Pill!

116
00:05:30,968 --> 00:05:33,011
- Okay, I'm calling.
- No, no, it's fine!

117
00:05:33,095 --> 00:05:35,680
It's actually- It's fine.
It's passing. It's passing.

118
00:05:35,764 --> 00:05:38,141
I am sorry to alarm everyone.
I think I was probably
just overreacting,

119
00:05:38,225 --> 00:05:39,684
because there's an alien
inside of me!

120
00:05:39,768 --> 00:05:41,227
[Haley]
Oh, my God.

121
00:05:41,353 --> 00:05:43,187
[Phil]
Oh, close it down.
I am definitely gonna call.

122
00:05:43,272 --> 00:05:46,190
All systems down.
All systems down.

123
00:05:49,361 --> 00:05:51,195
[Billiard Balls Clacking]

124
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,158
Son of a bitch.
What's the matter?

125
00:05:55,242 --> 00:05:57,368
He's playing on my pool table,
that's what.

126
00:05:57,494 --> 00:06:00,121
Probably got himself
a nice drink too.
Where you going, Jay?

127
00:06:00,247 --> 00:06:02,457
Just to check
things out, okay?
Come on.

128
00:06:02,541 --> 00:06:05,293
You hear that?
Now he's messing around
with my remote control.

129
00:06:05,377 --> 00:06:09,088
You can't hear that from here!
[Clicks Tongue]

130
00:06:11,133 --> 00:06:13,968
Hey, there.
Hey, Jay. Listen, I'm sorry.
Did I wake you up?

131
00:06:14,053 --> 00:06:16,512
No. No,
I'm a light sleeper.

132
00:06:16,638 --> 00:06:19,557
That's what happens
when you get older.
Oh, you're not old.

133
00:06:19,683 --> 00:06:22,602
I didn't say I was old.
I never sleep
much anyway.

134
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:26,105
Life is just more
interesting after 2:00 a.m.

135
00:06:26,190 --> 00:06:29,734
You know, the liquor tastes
better, the, uh, women
are more beautiful.

136
00:06:29,818 --> 00:06:33,863
What is it they say?
That the night belongs
to the poets and the madmen.

137
00:06:33,947 --> 00:06:35,573
[Both Chuckling]

138
00:06:35,699 --> 00:06:38,201
Which are you?
Perhaps both.

139
00:06:38,285 --> 00:06:40,286
And I think maybe
you too, huh?

140
00:06:40,371 --> 00:06:42,997
I see a picture over here
of you on a motorcycle.

141
00:06:43,123 --> 00:06:45,166
You ride?
I used to.

142
00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:47,835
Used to? Used to?

143
00:06:47,961 --> 00:06:52,173
Jay, the saddest words
in any language, my friend.
Yeah.

144
00:06:52,257 --> 00:06:56,094
Hey, help me out here.
Everybody sees you
as this great guy.

145
00:06:56,178 --> 00:06:58,304
You know, you live
this life of adventure.

146
00:06:58,389 --> 00:07:01,307
How come I don't
buy a word of it?

147
00:07:01,392 --> 00:07:03,684
All I see is a dad
who doesn't show up.

148
00:07:03,769 --> 00:07:05,686
Hey, Manny knows me.
I live in the now.

149
00:07:05,771 --> 00:07:09,065
Well, I was living in the yesterday
when Manny was crying
outside that door...

150
00:07:09,149 --> 00:07:11,401
'cause you didn't show up
for the 10th time.

151
00:07:11,485 --> 00:07:16,447
And when I don't come,
you think, uh- what, I'm just
off chasing a good time, hmm?

152
00:07:16,532 --> 00:07:19,909
You ever think it might be hard
for me, coming here?

153
00:07:19,993 --> 00:07:22,120
Why?
Because of Gloria?

154
00:07:23,497 --> 00:07:25,498
Because of you.

155
00:07:28,961 --> 00:07:30,878
[Lily Crying On Monitor]

156
00:07:30,963 --> 00:07:34,090
[Wailing]

157
00:07:34,174 --> 00:07:35,675
[Mitchell]
Cam!

158
00:07:37,636 --> 00:07:39,929
[Phone Beeps]
Okay, they're on their way.

159
00:07:40,013 --> 00:07:45,643
Okay, kids, gather around.
Like you're hugging me,
but don't touch me, okay?

160
00:07:45,727 --> 00:07:48,563
Now look,
I'm gonna be fine.

161
00:07:48,647 --> 00:07:52,024
- We know, Dad.
- We don't know that.
It's a miracle I'm standing up.

162
00:07:52,109 --> 00:07:56,654
But look, in case
anything happens-
[Groans, Exhales]

163
00:07:56,738 --> 00:08:00,199
I want you to know
that if I'd had time,
I would have fixed that step.

164
00:08:00,284 --> 00:08:01,826
Thanks, Dad.
I love you.

165
00:08:01,952 --> 00:08:05,913
[Crying]
Don't cry, Luke.
I'm okay.

166
00:08:05,998 --> 00:08:07,915
I broke the coffee table!

167
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:09,709
That's okay. What?

168
00:08:09,835 --> 00:08:13,379
I broke the glass coffee table.
The one you swore
you didn't break,

169
00:08:13,464 --> 00:08:15,798
and then we blamed Esperanza
and fired her...

170
00:08:15,883 --> 00:08:19,427
and she stole a turkey at
Thanksgiving for her family
and got deported?

171
00:08:19,553 --> 00:08:20,887
Yeah.
Damn it!

172
00:08:21,013 --> 00:08:23,306
I'm sorry.
[Groaning]
You will be sorry!

173
00:08:23,432 --> 00:08:25,475
[Doorbell Rings]
[Haley]
They're here!

174
00:08:25,559 --> 00:08:27,143
Really?
Okay-

175
00:08:27,227 --> 00:08:29,770
[Exhales]
Did you hear that?

176
00:08:29,897 --> 00:08:32,064
Hmm.
Luke broke the-

177
00:08:32,149 --> 00:08:35,359
- Hey, you changed your clothes.
- Well, I had- I had to get dressed.

178
00:08:35,444 --> 00:08:39,155
Into that sexy, clingy-
Oh, my God. It's the firemen.

179
00:08:39,281 --> 00:08:41,199
No, sweetie.
And lipstick!

180
00:08:41,283 --> 00:08:44,243
I'm out here convulsing
in agony and you're looking
for cute tops to wear?

181
00:08:44,328 --> 00:08:46,287
I just threw on the first
thing I could find.

182
00:08:46,371 --> 00:08:49,707
We got a minute, if you wanna
try on some tighter jeans-
[Groans]

183
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,584
Oh, Phil, sweetie.
Oh, no.

184
00:08:51,668 --> 00:08:53,669
By all means, Claire,
we want you
looking your sexiest...

185
00:08:53,754 --> 00:08:55,796
when the hunky,
gay firemen get here!

186
00:08:55,923 --> 00:08:57,423
How we doing?
We're great.

187
00:08:57,508 --> 00:09:00,009
- He meant me! Ohh!
- All right.

188
00:09:00,093 --> 00:09:02,553
[Crying]

189
00:09:02,638 --> 00:09:03,888
[Mitchell]
Cameron!

190
00:09:06,934 --> 00:09:09,894
No, listen, Jay. You're
a tough guy to compete with.
Look at all you have.

191
00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:13,105
So Manny has to suffer?
No. You're right.

192
00:09:13,190 --> 00:09:15,316
Look,
I'm going to try harder.

193
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,860
But maybe it's a good thing
that he has the two of us.

194
00:09:17,945 --> 00:09:19,570
From you,
he learns stability.

195
00:09:19,655 --> 00:09:23,824
From me, he learns
how to be spontaneous,
grab life by the throat.

196
00:09:23,909 --> 00:09:26,827
Well, we do a little throat grabbing
ourselves around here, you know.

197
00:09:26,912 --> 00:09:29,288
We were on our way to Benihana
when you showed up.

198
00:09:29,373 --> 00:09:31,290
Hey, as long as my boy
follows his passion.

199
00:09:31,375 --> 00:09:36,504
The worst career decision I ever
made was playing baseball,
but I loved every minute of it.

200
00:09:36,630 --> 00:09:38,548
You played baseball?
[Scoffs]

201
00:09:38,632 --> 00:09:40,550
I lived baseball.

202
00:09:40,634 --> 00:09:45,179
I only made it to Triple-A,
but I played with all
those guys- Sosa, McGwire.

203
00:09:45,305 --> 00:09:47,515
You look like
you played some.
I played in high school.

204
00:09:47,599 --> 00:09:51,644
I was all right.
Never hit a curve ball.

205
00:09:51,770 --> 00:09:54,480
So that's a dream of yours?
To- To hit a curve?
Used to be.

206
00:09:54,606 --> 00:09:58,734
"Used to be." Ugh.
Por favor.
I said that again, right?

207
00:09:58,860 --> 00:10:00,611
Hey, please. Come on.
You're right,
I shouldn't say that.

208
00:10:00,696 --> 00:10:03,948
- What are you guys doing?
- Manny, did we wake you up?
I'm sorry.

209
00:10:04,032 --> 00:10:06,450
No. I was doing
my science extra credit.

210
00:10:06,535 --> 00:10:09,328
- Of course you were.
- So, can I play?

211
00:10:09,413 --> 00:10:11,747
That's up to your dad.

212
00:10:11,832 --> 00:10:14,083
Actually, I think we're done
with pool for right now.

213
00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:17,837
I have a better idea
for the three of us. Vamos.

214
00:10:19,381 --> 00:10:23,217
So, how do you
know this guy?
He owes me a little favor.

215
00:10:24,678 --> 00:10:26,804
[Circuit Breakers Thump]

216
00:10:28,515 --> 00:10:31,225
This is the coolest night ever!

217
00:10:31,310 --> 00:10:35,313
Now, let's see about
that curve ball.

218
00:10:36,398 --> 00:10:38,899
[Crying]

219
00:10:38,984 --> 00:10:40,901
Out.
I thought you were-

220
00:10:40,986 --> 00:10:43,946
Those were pillows.
Come on. Come on.

221
00:10:44,072 --> 00:10:47,992
[Groaning]
Cameron, do you realize
how infuriating this is?

222
00:10:48,076 --> 00:10:49,744
The whole point
of Ferberizing...

223
00:10:49,828 --> 00:10:52,663
is to teach her
to put herself to sleep,
and you keep ruining it.

224
00:10:52,748 --> 00:10:55,124
I can't help it.
I'm like a mother bear.

225
00:10:55,208 --> 00:10:58,085
When I hear my cub crying,
I have to run to her.

226
00:10:58,170 --> 00:11:01,130
Except you're not a bear.
Get in our room.

227
00:11:01,214 --> 00:11:03,883
Get- Cam, get in there.
Get in there.

228
00:11:04,009 --> 00:11:05,718
Cut it out.
All the way- Our room.

229
00:11:05,802 --> 00:11:07,595
Get! Get in there.

230
00:11:07,679 --> 00:11:09,555
Come on. Come on.
Get in there. Get!

231
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,557
[Siren Wailing In Distance]

232
00:11:11,642 --> 00:11:13,726
That's so unfair.
Why not?

233
00:11:13,810 --> 00:11:15,478
Because that's how girls
end up dead.

234
00:11:15,562 --> 00:11:17,938
- Hey, honey.
- Hey, guys.

235
00:11:18,023 --> 00:11:20,566
We just wanted to see
how you're doing.
Is this a bad time?

236
00:11:20,651 --> 00:11:23,027
No, we're just giving him
something to relax
before the procedure.

237
00:11:23,111 --> 00:11:24,695
Which is gonna
go just fine.

238
00:11:24,780 --> 00:11:26,697
- Oh, we know.
- We don't know.

239
00:11:26,782 --> 00:11:30,451
In case it doesn't,
promise me you'll be nice
to your new fireman daddy.

240
00:11:30,535 --> 00:11:33,621
- Unbelievable.
- My wife got dressed up
for the firemen last night.

241
00:11:33,747 --> 00:11:37,625
I didn't get dressed up
for the firemen.
Those heels were really hot.

242
00:11:37,709 --> 00:11:39,835
- You put on heels?
- Let's drop it.

243
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:41,837
What are they
doing to you, Dad?

244
00:11:41,922 --> 00:11:46,801
I have a little scratchy rock
inside of me and they're sliding
in a tube and sucking it out.

245
00:11:46,885 --> 00:11:48,511
You're not scared,
are you?

246
00:11:48,595 --> 00:11:51,430
When was the last time
you saw your old man scared?

247
00:11:51,515 --> 00:11:53,432
When you walked through
the spiderweb.

248
00:11:53,517 --> 00:11:56,310
When we were playing with
the Ouija board and the wind
blew the door shut.

249
00:11:56,395 --> 00:12:00,272
There was no wind, buddy.
We brought something forth.

250
00:12:00,357 --> 00:12:03,609
Oh. This stuff's
really hitting me.

251
00:12:03,694 --> 00:12:05,778
My insides feel like velvet.

252
00:12:05,862 --> 00:12:08,030
Why don't you guys wait
out in the hallway, okay?

253
00:12:08,115 --> 00:12:10,032
Feel better, Dad.
I will.

254
00:12:10,117 --> 00:12:11,951
- Love you, Dad.
- Love you.

255
00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:15,871
- [Haley] Love you.
- Luke, buddy, hold back a sec.

256
00:12:15,956 --> 00:12:18,582
This is not
gonna happen, okay,

257
00:12:18,667 --> 00:12:21,085
but there is a scenario
where you could be
the man of the house...

258
00:12:21,169 --> 00:12:23,170
and you need to know all
the PIN numbers and passwords.

259
00:12:23,296 --> 00:12:25,548
741-
I don't wanna be
the man of the house.

260
00:12:25,674 --> 00:12:28,759
Now, don't talk black to me.
Honey, your dad's gonna be fine.

261
00:12:28,844 --> 00:12:31,637
Why don't you wait out in the hall.
He'll be fine, okay?

262
00:12:31,722 --> 00:12:35,182
Honey, I'm just gonna
run them to school.
I'll be back right after.

263
00:12:35,267 --> 00:12:38,185
Okay. Claire?
Yeah.

264
00:12:38,270 --> 00:12:40,312
You did get dressed up,
didn't you?

265
00:12:40,439 --> 00:12:45,776
I pulled on the first thing
I saw, okay?
Okay, I'll drop it,

266
00:12:45,861 --> 00:12:49,155
'cause this stuff
is making me fall asleep.

267
00:12:49,239 --> 00:12:54,076
And if I never wake up,
I'd hate for the last thing you
ever said to me to be a lie.

268
00:13:06,339 --> 00:13:09,717
[Whispering]
I might have gotten dressed up
just a tiny bit.

269
00:13:16,558 --> 00:13:19,268
- I knew it.
- Oh, damn it!

270
00:13:23,273 --> 00:13:25,191
[Gloria]
Manny, we're gonna be
late for school.

271
00:13:25,275 --> 00:13:27,818
Why are you so tired today?

272
00:13:30,614 --> 00:13:32,531
Any reason
I can't take him?

273
00:13:32,616 --> 00:13:35,785
I'm surprised you're up.
I know what time you
went back to bed.

274
00:13:35,869 --> 00:13:38,746
Oh, it was nothing.
We just went out,
we hit a few balls.

275
00:13:38,872 --> 00:13:42,208
And you'll never guess where.
I guess Javier knew a guy.
And you know what?

276
00:13:42,292 --> 00:13:46,212
Now that he knows you, the next
time he needs something,
you are the guy.

277
00:13:48,548 --> 00:13:50,466
Ay, Dios mío.
Did you took him with you?

278
00:13:50,550 --> 00:13:52,635
You couldn't wait to get
to school to do that?

279
00:13:52,719 --> 00:13:56,388
Manny, vámonos para el colegio.
Let's go. We're gonna be
so late. Vámonos.

280
00:13:56,473 --> 00:14:00,476
Vamos a llegar tardísimo, Manny,
¿qué te pasa? Get in the car.

281
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,437
I thought you said
you wanted me to bond
with Javier.

282
00:14:03,522 --> 00:14:08,651
I said be nice, Jay.
I didn't say take Manny up
all night and play games.

283
00:14:08,777 --> 00:14:11,487
Then we got hot dogs.
Ay. Go to sleep!

284
00:14:11,571 --> 00:14:14,907
If I wanted to be married
to a wild man, I would have
stayed with Javier.

285
00:14:14,991 --> 00:14:16,867
[Horn Honking]

286
00:14:16,952 --> 00:14:18,619
Aha! ¿Qué pasa?

287
00:14:18,703 --> 00:14:20,204
- Dad!
- [Gloria] Por dios, no.

288
00:14:20,288 --> 00:14:21,789
[Jay]
What the hell?

289
00:14:21,873 --> 00:14:24,375
[Laughs]

290
00:14:24,501 --> 00:14:27,670
Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
You're not leaving, are you?
I've got school.

291
00:14:27,754 --> 00:14:30,381
- What? School?
- Yes, school.

292
00:14:30,465 --> 00:14:33,217
That's where people go to
learn things, like not to
keep children up all night.

293
00:14:33,301 --> 00:14:35,970
- He told her?
- He's weak.

294
00:14:36,054 --> 00:14:39,473
Well, listen, you said you used
to like riding motorcycles, right?
So I brought you one.

295
00:14:39,558 --> 00:14:42,560
- I know. But I kind of got work-
- [Scoffs] Work.

296
00:14:42,644 --> 00:14:44,270
- Go, Jay.
- Yeah, go.

297
00:14:44,354 --> 00:14:47,356
Yes, go, Jay, and take
Manny with you too!

298
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,358
Okay.
No, Manuel Alberto!

299
00:14:49,442 --> 00:14:52,027
In the car
or I put you in the trunk!

300
00:14:52,112 --> 00:14:54,071
Jay, I'm not
gonna argue anymore.

301
00:14:54,155 --> 00:14:56,949
I'm not gonna say anything else.
Do whatever you want.

302
00:14:57,033 --> 00:15:00,661
But I don't wanna hear you
any more saying that
Colombians are crazy,

303
00:15:00,745 --> 00:15:02,788
'cause you're the one
that is acting crazy,

304
00:15:02,873 --> 00:15:05,374
even though he's the one
that is making you act crazy.

305
00:15:05,458 --> 00:15:07,793
So I don't know what the hell
I'm talking about! Manny!

306
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,922
[Lily Crying On Monitor]

307
00:15:14,551 --> 00:15:16,385
You didn't need to come
home during nap time.

308
00:15:16,469 --> 00:15:19,388
Mmm. Think we proved
last night that I did.

309
00:15:19,472 --> 00:15:22,725
Well, she's back there now,
so why don't you go,
so you don't get in trouble.

310
00:15:22,809 --> 00:15:25,352
That's okay.
I told everyone that I have
an unreliable partner,

311
00:15:25,437 --> 00:15:28,063
and, uh, they understood.

312
00:15:28,148 --> 00:15:30,691
You know what?
I don't need to sit here
and be condescended to.

313
00:15:30,817 --> 00:15:34,403
I'm gonna make myself
an ice tea.
I will bring you down.

314
00:15:34,487 --> 00:15:37,740
- You can't bring me down.
- I'll sweep your legs.

315
00:15:37,866 --> 00:15:41,118
[Crying Continues]
There's something
wrong with you...

316
00:15:41,202 --> 00:15:43,871
that the sound of our child
in such distress doesn't
bother you more.

317
00:15:43,955 --> 00:15:48,000
She's not in distress,
and this just proves that you
need this more than she does.

318
00:15:48,084 --> 00:15:50,002
I'm Ferberizing two babies.

319
00:15:50,086 --> 00:15:52,630
Raccoons slipped
into the Lawsons' home
and stole a loaf of bread.

320
00:15:54,132 --> 00:15:56,342
- Your point?
- That we left Lily's
window open a crack,

321
00:15:56,426 --> 00:15:58,385
and those raccoons need something
to put between that bread,

322
00:15:58,511 --> 00:15:59,929
and that is Lily's
"help me" cry.
[Wailing]

323
00:16:00,055 --> 00:16:02,056
I'm coming for you, Lily.
No, you're not.

324
00:16:02,182 --> 00:16:05,434
You are not coming, Cameron.
Let me go!
Hey, stop it!

325
00:16:05,518 --> 00:16:07,770
Let go! Get off me!
What are you doing?

326
00:16:07,854 --> 00:16:09,772
Stop!
I will not stop.

327
00:16:09,898 --> 00:16:12,566
Stop being such a baby.
I'm coming for you!

328
00:16:12,651 --> 00:16:15,486
Ow!
Ow! Ow! Oh.

329
00:16:15,612 --> 00:16:17,529
What?
Oh, my ankle.

330
00:16:17,614 --> 00:16:19,657
My ankle.
[Wailing]

331
00:16:21,701 --> 00:16:24,495
[Footsteps Approaching]
[Door Opens, Closes]

332
00:16:24,579 --> 00:16:29,208
¡Ay! I guess you didn't kill yourself
in the motorcycle today.

333
00:16:29,292 --> 00:16:31,126
Well, I figured
you were looking forward
to killing me,

334
00:16:31,211 --> 00:16:32,836
so I'm not gonna
take that away from you.

335
00:16:32,921 --> 00:16:34,463
[Chuckles]

336
00:16:34,589 --> 00:16:37,049
Hey, did Javier call you?
No, why?

337
00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:39,385
He's dragging me to this bar
with some of his old
baseball pals.

338
00:16:39,469 --> 00:16:41,470
He was supposed to
be here at 5:00.

339
00:16:41,596 --> 00:16:43,472
Ah, he's dragging you, huh?
Yeah.

340
00:16:43,556 --> 00:16:45,891
I figured it would be okay.
I've seen half these guys play.

341
00:16:45,976 --> 00:16:48,560
Javier says it's cool.

342
00:16:48,687 --> 00:16:51,522
What?
What's the joke?
Nothing.

343
00:16:51,606 --> 00:16:53,273
It's just funny to me...

344
00:16:53,358 --> 00:16:56,694
that you make fun of me
because I was seduced by him,
but here you are-

345
00:16:56,778 --> 00:16:58,737
No one is getting seduced.

346
00:16:58,822 --> 00:17:00,781
I'm doing this for Manny.

347
00:17:00,907 --> 00:17:05,744
Yeah, it's very important for Manny
that you two go and have
a nice picnic in the mountains.

348
00:17:05,829 --> 00:17:07,788
First of all,
it wasn't a picnic.
We stopped for coffee.

349
00:17:07,872 --> 00:17:10,416
They just happened to be
selling crepes.

350
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:13,043
Listen. Let me know
when he calls, all right?

351
00:17:13,128 --> 00:17:15,337
Geez, it's almost 6:00.

352
00:17:15,422 --> 00:17:17,923
[Snickers]

353
00:17:18,008 --> 00:17:19,883
[Claire]
The kids are so excited
for you to come home.

354
00:17:20,010 --> 00:17:22,678
Oh, me too.
Yeah, Luke made you a sign.

355
00:17:22,804 --> 00:17:27,266
Oh, he's a sweetie.
Yeah. You seem great.

356
00:17:27,392 --> 00:17:29,476
I am great.
Good.

357
00:17:29,561 --> 00:17:31,145
Except for that
fireman thing.

358
00:17:31,271 --> 00:17:33,147
You remember it?
Mm-hmm.

359
00:17:33,273 --> 00:17:36,775
Yeah, okay. Look, I am sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Ah, no.

360
00:17:36,860 --> 00:17:38,777
There's no excuse for it.

361
00:17:38,862 --> 00:17:42,489
I think I just spend so much time
in dowdy mom clothes,

362
00:17:42,574 --> 00:17:45,117
and I'm covered in paste
and peanut butter,

363
00:17:45,201 --> 00:17:50,039
and I just- I wanted to feel attractive
for a second, you know?

364
00:17:50,123 --> 00:17:52,041
I'm sorry. I really-

365
00:17:52,125 --> 00:17:55,502
Honey, I just need
a little bit of time.

366
00:17:55,628 --> 00:17:58,047
Gonna be fine.
Okay.

367
00:17:58,173 --> 00:18:00,090
Yeah.
Okay.

368
00:18:00,175 --> 00:18:02,051
I was already fine with it.

369
00:18:02,135 --> 00:18:04,428
Here's the deal:
Claire messed up.
She owed me.

370
00:18:04,512 --> 00:18:07,264
This never happens.

371
00:18:07,348 --> 00:18:09,683
Old Phil has a golden ticket.

372
00:18:09,768 --> 00:18:12,853
Now, I could have cashed that in
right away for something small-

373
00:18:12,937 --> 00:18:15,522
get out of cleaning the garage,
a week at circus camp.

374
00:18:15,607 --> 00:18:17,691
Still fresh.
Yeah.

375
00:18:17,776 --> 00:18:22,446
But the longer you hold on to it,
the more the guilt builds,

376
00:18:22,530 --> 00:18:24,364
the more you get.

377
00:18:24,449 --> 00:18:27,910
Five years: Trip to Paris
with my buddies.

378
00:18:27,994 --> 00:18:32,039
Ten years:
Sweet little convertible.

379
00:18:32,123 --> 00:18:34,041
Twenty years:

380
00:18:34,125 --> 00:18:38,253
Hello, fully articulating,
five-function robot...

381
00:18:38,338 --> 00:18:42,591
that can read my mind
and has feelings.

382
00:18:42,675 --> 00:18:46,386
Phil, you're not leaving without
saying good-bye, are you?

383
00:18:46,471 --> 00:18:47,888
Hey, Elaine.

384
00:18:47,972 --> 00:18:49,431
Is this your husband?
Uh-huh.

385
00:18:49,516 --> 00:18:52,059
- Good-bye, Paris.
- I'm visiting my sister...

386
00:18:52,185 --> 00:18:55,270
and he was entertaining us all
afternoon with his card tricks.
[Claire] Oh.

387
00:18:55,355 --> 00:18:59,024
- Is that Phil?
- Hey. [Chuckling]

388
00:19:00,652 --> 00:19:02,903
Hey, Mom,
Phil's leaving.

389
00:19:02,987 --> 00:19:06,532
- Without a hug?
- [Chuckles] Wow.

390
00:19:06,616 --> 00:19:09,034
Good-bye, fully articulating,

391
00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:12,579
five-function robot
with the ability to- Good-bye.

392
00:19:12,664 --> 00:19:14,331
Brittany, hurry, honey.
Phil's leaving.

393
00:19:14,415 --> 00:19:15,457
[Wheelchair Jostles]
Ow.

394
00:19:15,542 --> 00:19:17,042
You're fine.

395
00:19:19,879 --> 00:19:22,673
- How's your ankle?
- It's cold.

396
00:19:22,757 --> 00:19:26,635
- I'm sorry I hurt you.
- No. No, don't be. I-

397
00:19:26,719 --> 00:19:29,304
I could have just
as easily hurt you.

398
00:19:29,389 --> 00:19:31,640
Well, it's cute
that you think that.

399
00:19:31,724 --> 00:19:36,311
Listen, Cam, I- I can't
always be the bad cop here.

400
00:19:36,396 --> 00:19:41,441
I-I know it's my issue,
but she can't grow up with
one huggy, happy, cuddly dad...

401
00:19:41,526 --> 00:19:45,112
and one frowny,
lesson-teachy dad.

402
00:19:45,196 --> 00:19:49,283
Because guess which one
she's gonna ask to walk her
down the aisle.

403
00:19:52,579 --> 00:19:54,788
Uh- Y-
Okay, you know what?

404
00:19:54,873 --> 00:19:56,999
I can be the bad cop
sometimes.

405
00:19:57,083 --> 00:20:00,043
I'll always make her eat
her vegetables.

406
00:20:00,128 --> 00:20:02,504
- Okay. Dentist.
- Deal.

407
00:20:02,589 --> 00:20:05,465
- Good.
- As long as you make her
practice her violin.

408
00:20:05,550 --> 00:20:08,051
Oh, yeah. The violin.
I like that.

409
00:20:08,136 --> 00:20:11,513
- And we're both walking her
down the aisle.
- [Winces]

410
00:20:11,598 --> 00:20:13,473
Assuming you can
walk by then.

411
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,851
Ow!
Do you need to go to
the hospital for that?

412
00:20:15,935 --> 00:20:18,729
No, God. No, no.
It's not that bad.

413
00:20:18,813 --> 00:20:21,190
Oh, you meant call 911,
didn't you?

414
00:20:21,274 --> 00:20:22,316
[Together]
Firemen.

415
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,776
Yeah, you call, and I'm
gonna change my shirt.

416
00:20:26,112 --> 00:20:28,614
So, if I'm supposed to
act like an adult,

417
00:20:28,698 --> 00:20:31,742
is that act like adults
I see in the world-

418
00:20:31,826 --> 00:20:35,829
- [Both Shouting]
- Or the adults in my family?

419
00:20:37,790 --> 00:20:38,749
[Shutter Clicks]

420
00:20:38,833 --> 00:20:42,711
'Cause if it's the ones
in my family-

421
00:20:42,837 --> 00:20:46,173
Come on. Let's go.
All right.

422
00:20:46,257 --> 00:20:48,675
Then...

423
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,136
how hard could that be?

424
00:20:52,472 --> 00:20:53,472
[Screams]

425
00:20:56,643 --> 00:21:00,479
Doing the card tricks at
the hospital really got me
fired up about my magic again.

426
00:21:00,563 --> 00:21:03,982
[Blows]
Is this your card?

427
00:21:04,067 --> 00:21:06,735
Yes. Oh, my gosh.

428
00:21:06,819 --> 00:21:08,445
It's- It's not, is it?

429
00:21:08,529 --> 00:21:10,614
[Clears Throat]
No, uh, no. It's not.

430
00:21:10,698 --> 00:21:14,618
The hardest part is when people
forget their card, because then
I look like the idiot.

431
00:21:14,744 --> 00:21:16,787
All right.
Let's do it again.
We really have to go.

432
00:21:16,913 --> 00:21:20,540
You think I like this?
I'm sorry. Here.
I'm gonna teach you one, okay?

433
00:21:20,625 --> 00:21:22,542
On the count of three,
just grab this. You ready?

434
00:21:22,627 --> 00:21:24,544
Put your hand out.
Okay.

435
00:21:24,629 --> 00:21:27,089
One, two, three.
There it is.

436
00:21:27,173 --> 00:21:28,840
No. What was that?
Wow.

437
00:21:28,925 --> 00:21:30,801
[Mitchell]
Thank you.

438
00:21:30,885 --> 00:21:32,886
[Phil]
Are you kidding me?

439
00:21:35,682 --> 00:21:36,682
ENGLISH - US - PSDH