It's a Target return! Back off! 11
Target's the other way, miss. 12
Oh, thank you for mansplaining that to me. 13
Why don't you tell me where everything 14
in this whole fucking mall is, okay?! 15
God! Why do you hate lesbians?! 16
- Go away, fascist! - It's me. 17
She's here! 18
Thank you for coming! 19
I love you! 20
I love you so much! 21
I'm okay. I swallowed it back. 22
Oh, no! I'm not okay! 23
Don't you fucking dare! 24
I'm not going to. I'm definitely not going to. 25
I just wish you hadn't made me eat that hot dog on a stick! 26
Fill the tub! 27
How did you not know? 28
Dude, there's literally five seasons of 29
"I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." 30
What woman actually gives birth in her pants? 31
But weren't you having your period? 32
My period's always weird, and I thought I was gassy! 33
And WebMD said it was bok choy or colon cancer, 34
so I was like, "Fuck WebMD! 35
It always stresses me out! I'm fine! 36
In a way, it's funny, 37
'cause I did think you were looking kind of thick. 38
Wait. Thick in a good way? 39
I mean, the tits, for sure. 40
But you didn't tell me? 41
I don't know whether to be mad or okay about this! 42
You're my sister. I love you. 43
Is 911 for sure off the table? 44
Yes! 45
And your parents do seem cool. 46
You definitely don't want to tell them? 47
Your parents seem cool, too! Would you tell them?! 48
This is not working! 49
And no way am I paying 10 cents for these. 50
Reparations! 51
- Wait. - I can't! It's coming out! 52
No! Who the fuck is the father? 55
I do not hear you practicing your toast for tonight! 56
And you're welcome for the edits, by the way! 58
That Russia joke would not have played, 59
not with Aunt Katyushka coming. 60
Okay. Niños, vamanos. 61
I have no idea what's been going on for the past two weeks, 62
but from what I can gather, you are very angry with your brother -- 63
for a medical condition that was out of his control. 64
His pink eye was not out of his control. 65
Excuse me. 66
You know what? I volunteered in a Botswanan orphanage. 67
I think I know a little bit more about 68
medical contagiousness than you do. 69
Do you really want to hear the -- 70
This weekend is about your sister and her wedding! 71
So whatever is happening between you, this silence, 72
this little... 73
"Secret life of teenagers hoo-ha" -- 74
it ends now, okay? 75
I'm serious. 76
The drama is finito y terminado. Capiche? 77
Some guy from the other team keeps staring at you. 78
Yeah. We hooked up. 79
But he was a jerk, so I went home 80
and signed him up for the Scientology mailing list. 81
Oh, my God. 82
Chester is still being weird. 83
Did you ask him if he was mad at me? 84
No. I'm not doing that. The lockdown was stressful. 85
He doesn't even remember you getting upset. 86
You need to relax. You're too paranoid. 87
No, I know. I'm paranoid about everything. 88
But, I mean, also with reason. 89
Like, Naomi was already kind of a bitch, 90
and now this whole Jack thing has 91
just crystallized her evilness. 92
She's not gonna tell anyone about Jack 93
or about you being bi. 94
You should go say hi. 95
- You go first. - Come on. 96
- Thanks for coming. - Thanks for having us. 97
Here. Let me show you these photos I took. 98
- Oh, sick! - I know, right? 99
Oh, my God. I am gagged. 100
Was Sam here before? 101
I don't know. Here. Wait. 102
Look at this. 103
I love! 104
It's so good. 105
I mean, they all hate touching them, let alone sucking on them. 106
Honestly, it's hard to argue. 107
Do gay guys like balls? 108
I mean -- I can't really speak for all of them. 109
Like, I don't. 110
Cool, man. 111
Bro, I say let's get fucked up and watch the "Fast & Furious" Movies. 112
I fucking hate those movies. All nine of them. Come on. 114
Don't act like you don't love them. 115
Yeah, man, I don't want to, like, have that in my face. 116
If Steve's going, then I'm down. 117
Alright, man. Your call. 120
Don't get the white ball, though, whatever you do. 124
She's just not a pleasant person. La Reina. 125
She's such a bruja to her husband. 126
Could you put the phone down, please? 127
Thank you. He's obviously gonna leave her, 128
probably for the sister, La Loca. 129
Oh, she's just so much fun. 130
And the curtains in the castle-- 131
iOye! Has Ana been cleaning? 132
You shouldn't be talking like that in front of Greta. 133
Honestly, it's not cool. You're gonna give me a heart attack. 134
I don't think that's something that you should be laughing at. 135
You should be an example, Ana. 137
Um, I have to go, Mami. I have a lot of homework. Bye. 138
No, no. Wait. 139
What kind of hang? 140
I don't know. 141
Friend hang? Date hang? Hang-hang? 142
It's probably nothing. I don't know. 143
How do you know? 144
Well, she did say "Fish." 145
- No! - I'm getting you ready. 146
Ew! God, no! No! 147
But I-I don't want it to look like I think it's something. 148
It's probably nothing. 149
Ah -- No. Stop. Expect nothing, get nothing. 150
What is this wildflower-wallpaper shit? 151
No. We are redecorating. We are giving zero fucks. 152
You are dressing like you want to be seen. 153
Let's go. 154
Greta! 155
Hi, Uncle Luke and Aunt Bethuel. 156
Well, look at you in your matching outfits! 157
Welcome to The Flying Seaman. 158
Natalia and Jordan and all of us are so happy 159
that you could join us for the rehearsal dinner. 160
That's your mother, isn't it? Judas Priest, what a woman. 161
I said I was sorry. Also, when it happened, 162
you hadn't even touched his dick, 163
so, obviously, it wasn't that serious. 164
- Hello! - Hi, Aunt Katyushka! 165
Welcome to The Flying Seaman. 166
Natalia and Jordan and all of us 167
are so happy you could join us for the rehearsal dinner. 168
It is so good to see you. And it's safe to hug Nathan. 169
I don't know if you heard, but that thing with his eye 170
was not pink eye, so you definitely won't get infected. 171
Turns out it was just an irritant. 172
Not just an irritant, 173
a really huge glob of an irritant. 174
But boys will be boys, right? 175
I'm glad you're feeling better. 176
I am so excited for tonight. 177
Also, I have been so nice to you. 178
I didn't even tell mom when you put nail-polish remover in my Cetaphil. 179
Welcome to The Flying Seaman! 180
That can never happen again. 181
There you are! 182
I mean, Wonder Woman! 183
Gal Gadot and Lynda Carter 184
are feeling very threatened right now. 185
What?! No! I did nothing. It was 1-800-Party-Planner. 186
I'm just so happy for Natalia. 187
Have you seen her yet? 188
She's a Vogue cover. 189
Three people have already commented 190
how much we look alike, and I said, 191
"Please, you don't have to flatter me. 192
The sushi's already free." 193
I mean, you know, for us. 194
You know, $200 per person. 195
Do not say a word to Mark. 196
But, really, is she not Vogue? 197
- You are literally sisters. - No, no, no! 198
I'm a weathered old hag. 199
I'm so happy! 200
I feel like I'm getting married. 201
Have you seen Jordan's shoe size? 202
I have a feeling Natalia 203
is going to be one very lucky girl. 204
- This is Chester and Greta. - Hi! 205
- This is Pablo. - Hi, Pablo. 206
- So, how's Fairmont? - Shitty. 207
I hate private-school kids. You're lucky you left. 208
Well, if you want to get kicked out, it's not that hard. 209
What if your butt was on your front 210
and your front was on your back? 211
I think the bathroom would be really weird. 212
Oh, my God. You would have to, like, lean over the toilet. 213
- Imagine? - Hunch. 214
Yeah. Your body doesn't even bend that way. 215
Wait. Oh, my God. Am I taking your virginity? 216
Really? Oh, my God! 217
Yes! 218
- We stan a virgin queen. - There. You got it. 219
And hold it... 220
- That's okay. - Very good. 221
It's cool you work in an aquarium. 222
Did you know that there is a fish with a penis on its chin? 223
I didn't know that. 224
I feel like that would be pretty convenient. 225
Did you know that 1/3 of all fish 226
are just people in fish costumes? 227
I'm not allowed to talk to strangers. 228
But, literally, everyone knows that. 229
- You okay? - Yeah. 230
I think I'm gonna cum. 231
Open your eyes. 232
Open them. 233
Just look at me and keep them open, okay? 234
I forgot how weird you are. 235
- Shit. Sorry. - It's okay. 236
I was stung by a jellyfish once. 237
- Really? - Mm-hmm. 238
I was at the beach with my Nonna. 239
Maybe I was like 8. 240
I was screaming so loud. 241
And this guy nearby felt bad and was like, 242
"Oh, you're supposed to pee on it." 243
And my Nonna basically was like, "Fuck that." 244
And I started screaming more 245
kind of 'cause I just wanted to see his penis. 246
And when he took it out, which at the time 247
didn't seem as molester-y as it sounds now, 248
it was the biggest thing I've ever seen in my life. 249
Like, it was so big, I literally forgot to be in pain. 250
And then there was this gushing waterfall on my leg. 251
And that's also probably when I figured out that being peed on 252
is not a turn-on for me... 253
but a big penis is. 254
I feel like that's not what you were just thinking about. 255
I was just thinking what it would feel like 256
to go through life with no brain and no heart... 257
and just drifting. 258
Ooh! She's a sad stoner. 259
And she feels see-through. 260
I'm so obvious. 261
But was I talking about you or me? 262
I guess we're all just jellyfishy bitches. 264
- You know what my mother told me on my wedding day? - What? 265
She said, "Husbands are like horses. 266
If you're not riding them, they're runnin' off." 267
Oh, you do have to admit your mother's still a head-turner. 268
It's nice to see her having such a good time. 269
It's hard for her, all this change -- 270
Natalia getting married, you and Naomi getting older. 271
Soon it'll just be me, her, and the menopause. 272
I can't wait to meet the lucky girl you choose 273
to spend your life with. 274
Yeah, that wedding night. I'm telling you, it's worth the wait. 275
Sometimes, it feels like our bad boys can't wait one more day. 276
But you know that's what they invented socks for. 277
Anyway -- 278
Now, wait! Hold on! Hold on! 279
You can't steal my baby girl and my wife. 280
I'll take a Sprite and a rum and Coke for my dad. 281
Grown-ups don't drink rum and Coke. 282
My dad does. Maybe it's a gay thing? 283
Trust me, it's not. 284
Anyway, it's wine and beer only. 285
You couldn't have just said that in the first place? 286
You know I'm just gonna find a place 287
to smoke some weed, right? 288
Same. Here's your Sprite. 289
This party is a lot. 290
No, we are not ghosting. 291
I literally held Natalia when she was a day old. 292
Megan is my oldest friend. 293
Oh, back from when you were straight, married, 294
born again, and playing electric guitar? 295
She is the only one who stuck with me. 296
And you have to forgive her for "Inception." 297
Why? She came to our house. I was there. 298
- She talked through the entire film. - I remember. 299
And then, when it was over, she said she hated it 300
because it was confusing. 301
How the fuck do you stay friends with a person who does that? 302
- Hey, sweetie. - Hey. 303
Um, I'm just gonna go pee. 304
I'll alert the media. 305
Sorry. 306
It must be my period coming. 307
I don't know you were invited. 308
Yeah, my parents know their parents 309
from the rich, Jew-hating club 310
they all play tennis at. 314
I literally don't know what's wrong with me. 315
- Can I ask you something? - Sure. 316
That sleepover we had where we tried scissoring 317
and I didn't know I had poison ivy 318
and I got it in your vagina -- 319
is that why you stopped talking to me? 320
Maybe. Also, you were just, like, way too into writing 321
"Hunger Games" fan fiction. 322
Do you want some? 323
But thanks for being so nice. 324
I'm just gonna go get some more sushi. 325
I just want raw fish all the time. 326
Thanks. I just need to take the edge off. 327
Naomi is driving me crazy. 328
Um, maybe we should go over there. 329
Sure. 330
Thanks. 331
Shit. I'm out. 332
Oh, great. 333
Oh, I have a joint, if you want. 334
No, I can't smell like pot. 335
If we shotgun, you won't. 336
For real? 337
Can we do another? 338
I always thought you had blow-job lips. 339
Thank you? 340
See? You don't give off gay vibes. 341
Like, why would you even tell her that? That is so fucked up! 342
Like, that is so -- so -- so jerky. 343
First of all, Arianna is one of my best friends, 344
and I tell her everything. 345
Second of all, I'm just curious what leg you have to stand on 346
after you sucked my boyfriend's dick! 347
I'm sorry, okay? 348
I-I told you that I-I didn't even get my mouth on it. 349
You just walk through life 350
thinking you can do fucked-up things 351
and say you're sorry, and everything will be fine. 352
But that was a really shitty thing you did. 353
Like, I really fucking liked him, 354
so, like, why would you do that? 355
Look, I-I know that I can't say I'm sorry, 356
but, like, I genuinely feel like shit about it, okay? 357
And -- And -- And, like, Mom says 358
hurt people hurt people, you know? 359
Are you high? 360
- Wait. Shh! - Oh, shit. 361
Oh, hi. Sorry. 362
No. Something got on my shirt. 363
I love this place. 364
The bathroom? 365
The aquarium. 366
Oh, yeah. 367
Uh, I -- Yeah. 368
Do any of these soaps work? 369
What did you get kicked out of your old school for? 370
Oh, thank you. 371
Um, I did a photo assignment 372
of these guys' faces as they were cumming. 373
The whole idea was how society presents this oppressive myth 374
about how sex and emotion are always linked, 375
when, really, it's just about power and dopamine. 376
But the school sucked, and it was full of so many rich, 377
entitled assholes. 378
And my parents wouldn't let me leave, 379
so I had to get creative. 380
- Can I -- - Sorry. 381
What are you doing?! 382
I am wondering where all the fish are. 383
I don't know where they are. 384
Where are they? 385
You know what I want to eat more than anything 386
in the world right now? 387
Babies. No. 388
No, I -- Oh, sushi. 389
Not only that, I know where we can get so much of it for free. 390
Let's take a trip. 391
And, Natalia, you were so stubborn 392
from the moment you were born. 393
When she was growing up, she would hold her breath 394
until she got what she wanted. 395
And it's one thing if it's a Furby, but... 396
a Mini Cooper?! 397
Well...she got it. 398
Yeah. Yeah. 399
Anyway, to Natalia and Jordan. 400
May you be blessed with a happy marriage 401
and a big brood of Jordan almonds. 402
- Hear, hear! - Thank you, Mom! 403
Hi, everyone. 404
Thank you, all, so much for being here. 405
My family is so grateful you can make it, 406
and we're so thrilled to be celebrating 407
Natalia's big day with such loving friends and family. 408
Natalia, you're the best sister I could ever ask for. 409
And, recently, I've been thinking a lot 410
about what makes a great sibling 411
and what makes one trash. 412
First, a great sibling has to be someone 413
you can trust no matter what. 414
Also someone that everyone can trust 415
and who doesn't go down on Christmas Eve 416
to secretly unwrap their presents and see what they got. 417
Also someone who thinks $9 in quarters 418
is an acceptable birthday present. 419
Anyway, um, I love you, and I hope you and Jordan 420
have an amazing life with lots of kids 421
who are great brothers and sisters to each other 422
and don't do things like... 423
Your turn. 424
Um, hi, all you beautiful 425
Christian lovers and shakers, 426
and welcome to The Flying Seaman. 427
Not to be "Rebundant" -- 428
That's not the word. 429
Um, but I've also been thinking about what makes a good sibling, 430
and -- and, like -- like, how I can be better and -- 431
and, like, how Jesus wants me to be better. 432
And he is right, so shout-out to my main man Jesus! 433
Um, and even though I have definitely made mistakes, 434
I think my sister is my best friend in the world. 435
Not you, Natalia. 436
I-I mean, I-I do love you, 437
just -- just not as much, and -- and -- 438
and that's only 'cause, like, you're -- you're older, 439
and, like, I don't really know you that well. 440
But, um, anyway, you know what I mean. 441
And -- And -- And, Jordan, you are a total stud. 442
I-I mean that like a brother. Um, it's okay. 443
Mom, I'm -- I'm getting to the good part. 444
Um, when -- when Naomi and I were kids, we would do that 445
"Lady and the Tramp" Thing with the spaghetti, you know, 446
where you eat towards each other from the opposite ends. 447
And -- And I-I-I guess 448
that sounds a little incestuous, but -- but -- but back then, 449
it was just us loving each other. 450
And not in a creepy way. 451
Um, and, like, one thing I've really realized 452
over these past two weeks is just how alone 453
I've felt without you and -- 454
and how much I've wanted you -- t-to be my friend again. 455
Um, just -- just one more sec, 'cause -- 456
'cause what I'm trying to say to Naomi is -- 457
is that I never meant to hurt you, 458
and I know that sounds completely ridiculous, 459
because, in theory, I should have thought of that 460
before I hooked up with your boyfriend, 461
but, sometimes, life is just a day late and a dollar short. 462
Um, to -- to -- to -- to clarify, 463
I-I-I also like girls, too. 464
Like -- like, when Riley and I went -- 465
went to that Jew meeting, I even said how -- 466
how happy I was that Sophie Deichman-Alperstein 467
was dressing kind of slutty. 468
Maybe I-I shouldn't have said "Slutty." 469
But, um... 470
- Nathan! Stop! - Let me go! 471
- No! - Stop! Stop! 472
Why couldn't you have just let me be an only child, like I wanted? 473
Thank you for ruining my entire fucking wedding weekend. 474
- Natalia. - It's my wedding. 475
I'm fucking cursing if I want to. 476
The wedding isn't ruined. 477
It's totally ruined. 478
But, like... apology accepted. 479
Okay, we're saying it was just a funny little nothing 480
that got out of control, okay? 481
Just a funny little nothing. 482
- But, um -- - No. 483
- It was -- - No! 484
- Nathan! - Nathan! 485
- Why would you do that?! - Oh, my God! 486
Get out of the water! 487
Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. 488
Swim to the right! 489
- Climb up the ladder to the other side! - I can't believe you --