Tonight on Would I lie to you...
Can he fix it? It's Neil Morrissey.
Yes she can. It's Leslie Ash.
And their team captain, Lee Mack.
And facing them tonight, jungle queen Myleene Klass.
Burger king, Jason Manford.
And their team captain, David Mitchell.
But first arouse yourself into tumultuous hysteria
for your host, Angus Deayton.
Good evening and welcome to Would I lie to you,
thirty minutes of exposing truth and peddling lies
featuring some of the country's most available talent.
Scientists have found that 41% of us lie in the course of an average day.
And apparently 59% of us lie about whether or not we lie in the course of an average day.
And that liars tend to speak in a dull flat monotone.
Which means we can safely rule out anything Stephen Hawking ever says.
We should never forget that in the Bible it says "thou shalt not lie".
But then again it also says a talking snake told a woman not to eat an apple.
So perhaps we shouldn't pay too much attention to it.
We start then tonight, not unreasonably, with round one entitled Home truths.
Our panellists read out a statement about themselves but have no idea
until they turn the card over whether it's a startling truth or a complete lie
that one of our researchers made up this afternoon to while away the tedium.
Either way they're stuck with it and it's the opposing team's task
to then determine whether or not they're being sold a proverbial pup.
So it's TV's Neil Morrissey who is first up with his Home truth. Neil?
I recently had an extension built by a builder called Bob.
Well it's amusing, but is it true?
As these things go it'd be quite a small coincidence.
Bob is quite a normal name, isn't it?
I find that just eminently plausible.
And in fact probably a very short little chuckle you and he had about it on day one.
"- Do you know I'm actually a builder called Bob? - Right."
"I do the voice of Bob the Builder." Short laugh.
"Let us never speak of this."
At any point, did you say "Can you fix it"?
And he said "Yes I can".
"In about six months."
Well he thought it'd be funny to turn up dressed as Bob the Builder
and his mates were guffawing a lot and of course
it was seven a.m. when four hairy arsed builders wandered in.
One dressed in a red and yellow chequered shirt and dungarees
with a yellow hat on, saying "Hello, I'm Bob the Builder".
How we laughed.
You think he does this all the time and it just happened to be
Neil Morrissey's house this time?
"At last, it worked!
"I told you, you pair of knob-ends, this is funny!"
- What are you thinking? What's your verdict? - Well I think,
Neil's doing quite well for himself so it's quite plausible
he has recently paid for an extension.
I also can believe that. It would be a small lie to come on and say
"I'm having some building work done." Never.
So is it all stacking up or are you thinking it's not really very likely?
I'm thinking it's possible. I think we think it's true.
That's almost unanimous. Neil, reveal all if you would.
It's a big fat lie!
- I wanted it to be true. - I wish it was true myself.
Neil has not recently had an extension built by a builder called Bob.
In fact there are no builders called Bob in Britain
as it's not a Polish name.
And so to Jason for your Home truth.
I have beaten Gary Barlow at crazy golf.
We were all hoping that would end with "over the head".
Lee, what do you think?
- When was this? - This was 12 years ago.
How come you were both on a crazy golf course together?
I was up in Blackpool and there was just a massive crazy golf on the promenade.
I was having a game of golf and he was there with his family.
So at the peak of his fame he was playing crazy golf
- ...with his family. - His family, yeah. Well he's a family man.
And no one else had noticed him at this point?
This is Blackpool, there's a lot of famous people.
- Who won? - Can't remember.
That's a good bit of truth there.
Did he not say he beat Gary Barlow? Cause you said "over the head".
My teammate's made a very good point here. You did say "I beat Gary Barlow".
Cause I did that bad joke about beating him over the head.
- And now... - You can't remember.
Basically what's happened is, Jason, for 12 years after the event you remembered you beat him.
Two minutes after you've said it you forgot it.
Ain't memory a funny thing?
You're nicked!
Lee, I wonder which way you're gonna jump on this one.
Hey, you've been Ashed.
- Well spotted. - You're happy with saying that's a lie?
- They're saying it's a lie, Jason. - It's actually...
A lie.
Yep, it is complete rubbish.
Jason has not beaten Gary Barlow at miniature golf.
As it happens Gary has a handicap. He's too fat and he can't dance.
I've always been keen on miniature golf or as Mark Owen calls it, "golf".
So, Lee is next.
I was Red Rum's stable boy.
- How old were you? - I was probably 16.
- Did you ride him? - Pardon?
Yes, I did actually ride him.
Not in the Grand National obviously.
You rode Red Rum sort of just around the farm, to give him exercise?
It's not a cow. It was a horse.
Race horses don't live on farms. They live in stables, horse racing yards.
They're very professional outfits.
They don't go "Grand National winner, but I haven't got time to clean you. Let's do chickin'."
Horses are animals.
They live in places with other animals in the country. To me that's a farm.
You wanna call it a stable, I'm not interested. You're wasting your breath.
- There's other animals in a stable. - It was right in the middle of town, was it?
Block of stables. What floor did Red Rum live on?
...canter down the staircase.
You see, Mr Smartarse, listen...
Red Rum famously was trained on the beach.
- So did you want to be a jockey? - Eventually I wanted to be a jockey.
- Did you try? - What are you, the YTS careers officer?
I did my best.
I got up at six and shovelled shit, how hard do you want me to try?
I'm sat on the horse risking my life.
"Wanna make a jockey? Well you just haven't tried."
- You are quite tall for a jockey. - I am very tall for a jockey, that's right.
Now you know the answer to the question "Why didn't you become a jockey".
Aren't they really careful though, about who they let on their absolute
prize horses just in case they get the bad technique.
Good question, because you'd think would be wouldn't you.
But my job was stable boy and all the others went out and rode the horses.
Whereas I was left to muck out, hence the word stable boy,
and I thought "I'll have a quick go on that". So I jumped on his back,
rode the finish to the Grand National, did the commentary as the horse ate his hay.
And the boss' son caught me as I was going "And it's hats off and a tremendous reception".
What happened when the boss' son caught you?
I was disciplined in a way that only a stable boy of 16 can be.
- You don't think it's true? - I don't think it's true.
- You don't think it's true either? - I just don't think it is.
You're saying it's a lie.
- Let's see how correct you were. - It is in fact...
The truth.
It's true, Lee was Red Rum's stable boy. Red rum was put out to stud
after his career ended. He XXX several moderately successful horses
and Amy Winehouse.
At the end of this first ordeal, it's David's team
who are experiencing one or two teething problems, trailing as they are 3-1.
The next round is called Ring of truth
and it's an idea so simple the panellists virtually understand it.
Our teams are given a solid gold celebrity fact
and must basically decide whether it's bona fide or pure baloney.
So true or otherwise, Gwyneth Paltrow said...
That's an amazingly weird thing to say.
Although not as weird of course as if there'd been a big pause between the word eat and cup.
That would have been even better because that would have been "I would rather die than let my kid eat. Cup-A-Soup?"
That would be a really weird thing to say, wouldn't it.
- Fortunately she didn't say that. - She didn't?
How did Cup-A-Soup find its way into the realms of Gwyneth Paltrow's life?
- She was on a film set. - So she was
obviously given it whilst filming on an English film.
- She actually said "Who eats this stuff?". - And what was the reply?
That lots of the British public do? Yank.
Nobody eats it anyway. Surely people drink it?
I was gonna say, was she told that it's usually diluted in water?
Otherwise you would kinda go "What is this, future food?".
"I'll give it a go."
- What's her husband's name? That famous... - Chris Martin.
He's in a band. Does he like Cup-A-Soup?
Of course, everyone knows Chris Martin likes a Cup-A-Soup.
He has all the flavours written on the back of his hand.
Didn't Chris Martin say a while back, on the back of one of his album sleeves it said
"For every album that we make we're gonna plant a tree.
"All the paper we've wasted making this CD."
And I just thought to myself, can't you just cut out the middleman?
Just stop making CDs.
Did you say for every album they make they plant a tree?
They make an album once every one or two years.
That's about four trees.
My dad plants more trees than that.
And he hasn't released an album in years.
- Do you think Gwyneth is likely to have said this? - Yeah, I probably think so.
I think it's true. I can hear her...
They call their daughter Apple, they're quite sort of healthy people.
Well Batchelors claim that there are no additives in Cup-A-Soup.
That's the company that makes it. Not just unmarried men.
Unmarried men who rely on Cup-A-Soup for their whole diet.
"There's no additives. It's bloody healthy actually."
"Knocks back the loneliness if you've got whisky in it."
Maybe you could give us some kind of
conclusion as to whether you think this is true or not.
- I don't think it's true, do you think it's true? - No. I don't think so.
- We think it's a lie. - They're saying it's a lie. Lee?
- I think it's true. - I think it's true.
- True. - You're saying it's true.
It is true. Absolutely right.
Gwyneth Paltrow would rather die than let her child eat Cup-A-Soup.
In fact any child of Gwyneth's is more likely to be named Cup-A-Soup than served it.
The next round goes by the curiously abridged title of This is my,
in which David's team all claim to have a close association with tonight's special guest person.
The task for Lee's team, should they choose to accept it, is to identify which of them is for real.
So please welcome this week's special guest person, Jill.
Now David, perhaps you'd like to explain how you know Jill.
Yes, this is Jill, the hypnotherapist who cured me of my fear of balloons.
Okay. Myleene, what's Jill to you?
This is my good friend Jill and she has fitted Camilla Parker Bowles' underwear.
And finally Jason. Your relationship with Jill?
This is Jill and she is the air hostess who saved my life when I choked on a peanut once.
So there you are. A balloon therapist if we believe David.
An underwear fitter to the royals, if we believe Myleene.
Or a life saving air hostess according to Jason.
What is the thing about a balloon which is so frightening?
Well I'm... I am a bit better about it now.
Thank God you're able to talk about it.
Is it the fact that it might go bang in your face?
I'm trying to share here and...
The thing that scares me about balloons is...
is essentially the thing might pop.
To be fair that's not an irrational fear if it's a hot air balloon.
No. But frankly if I had a phobia about hot air balloons I would manage to limp through life.
"It's terrible, I get to work by hot air balloon.
"I'm just screaming the whole time, I have to put the radio on."
It's everyday party balloons.
Have since I was very young scared the shit out of me
because they might pop.
So did you go to parties as a kid and cry?
Yes. And then I wouldn't go to parties
as a kid, and my parties there were no balloons at.
I wanna know about the peanut in the throat and the possible Heimlich.
How were you saved?
- Uh, Heimlich. Yeah. - You helped him out there.
- Does she look strong enough? - The Heimlich is not about strength
and power, it's about the actual positioning of the actual...
Are you a doctor as well, now?
- Alright, tell me which flight you were on? - I was flying Manchester to Gatwick.
And I sat near the front for that extra bit of leg room
and luckily the woman's actually sat opposite ya, God bless her.
And as I was eating these peanuts one of the just lodged right in my throat.
And quick as a flash. Bang, Jill was up.
Don't say bang in front of David.
Scare the life out of him.
What's your association with Camilla Parker Bowles' gusset manufacturer?
She's my friend and that's who she fits. I've got no association with Camilla.
She doesn't fit your corsets necessarily?
Has done.
Is this a common thing, having underwear fitters? Do you have an underwear fitter, Leslie?
I do actually, they're here now.
- No, you're lying. - Little Jimmy Krankie's down there working his arse off.
Do they actually sort of make to order? They go around and fit you up and...
I think knickers are quite regular but every woman, as you know,
- ...goes up and down in her underwear. - Sorry?
So I need to press you for an answer here, Lee. Is this person David's balloon shrink,
Myleene's regal basque fitter,
or Jason's selfless stewardess?
I think it's the stewardess. Although we think he's a barefaced liar.
I just think he's telling the truth on this one.
I don't believe Jason has ever allowed anything to be stuck halfway before it gets down here.
He's not an idiot, he's from the North and those peanuts are free.
I loved the balloon thing because it's just so sweet.
I liked the sweetness of it, yes.
You are the team captain, Lee. You have to make a decision of some sort.
Alright, I'm gonna go with Leslie then and say that, bizarrely, the balloon story just
might be, in a crazy sort of way.
Okay, you're opting for David's balloon shrink.
- Jill, perhaps you'd like to tell us who you really are? - I'm Jill Kenton...
I'm Myleene Klass' friend and I do fit Camilla.
Jill is Myleene's purveyor of pants to the royals.
Well done and thank you for coming. Jill Kenton.
Yes, Jill has fitted Camilla Parker Bowles' underwear.
Now she's in the royal family of course Camilla has to be rather more frugal.
When she gets bored with her Lacey underwear it's handed down to Prince Edward.
And so to Telly Tales around in which classic TV shows of yesteryear
are resurrected for our viewing pleasure, and Lee's team then intrigue us with an additional related fact.
This week our specialist area is Saturday morning children's TV.
A world where men's knitwear plummeted new depths, and disaster was always just a haircut away.
So Lee is up with his fact loosely related to these well known pop critics.
That's Pepsi & Shirlie and Heartache.
I didn't think it sounded like heartache at all.
I thought the nearest it got to heartache was that almost ballad bit
you know, with several people standing up in the background moving.
That was the nearest to heartache. Otherwise it was thump thump thump.
I accept very professional. But nothing like heartache.
Yes, good voices. Professional production, but
not quite what I would expect of heartache. I would say a three.
Three for you. Would you dance to it?
No I wouldn't because there was no melody. There certainly was rhythm, you could do a movement to it.
But you can do a movement to any rhythm. You could do a movement to a drum without having any song.
There was no melody, and no heartache.
Pepsi & Shirlie not quite cutting it for Mrs Thatcher there.
She was always more of a Guns N' Roses fan.
Anyway, Lee, what is your related fact to that clip?
Did you know that Mike Read often does a musical turn at the Tory party conference?
And last year it was a ten minute political rap.
You notice how the whole mood has dropped since we saw a clip of Margaret Thatcher?
Nobody wants to live any more.
"Oh I remember that bitch."
So what bit of the Tory, is this like the main assembly bit?
After the shadow chancellor's done his speech?
"Now as usual, what you're all here for.
"Mike Read's ten minute rap."
You've got to remember that Tories are a bit stuffy and boring.
Stuffy and boring, but they're not complete morons.
I think it's true because the Tory party are so out of sync with reality
that that's the sort of thing that they might go "Mike Read's very popular, isn't he?".
- "I want Mike Read." - It all makes sense.
Yeah. I don't think they can be that out of sync with reality
and still know where Parliament is.
- I don't think it's true. - I just don't think it's true.
- We think it's a lie. - You're saying it's a lie.
- Let's find out if you're right. Lee? - It actually is
true.
How? How the... I'm sorry.
How are they ever going to get back into office?
Aren't they trying? Is it match fixing?
You know, is someone bribing them to be terrible at politics?
Mike Read! Ten minutes! Rapping!
What the f-bleep is that?
Democracy in this country...
The reason Tony Blair can start wars for no...
You know, without asking people, is because there's no opposition.
It's their fault. It's Mike Read's fault.
The deaths of our servicemen are on his conscience!
Sorry David. I've made a mistake, it's false.
No, it is true. I don't know if Mike Read is watching this.
Yes, he does traditionally round off the Tory party conference with a song.
It saves security from having to usher people out of the building.
At the end of that round it's Lee's team for whom the future's bright, leading as they do 7-5.
And so joyously we come to the final round, some quick fire truths and/or lies for our panellists.
And remember they still have no idea what's written on the other side of the card, sensational truth or utter tosh.
Starting now. Leslie.
I have been banned from Streatham ice rink.
- What did you do? - I was skating with my friend and
you had to go upstairs to really see the nice blokes.
I didn't know, unbeknown to me, but you weren't allowed upstairs.
And so we got asked to leave, downstairs, and I got a bit gobby.
Sorry, what's the upstairs of an ice rink?
The upstairs is the viewing gallery.
- Why did they throw you out? - Someone moved the sign saying... don't go up there.
And me and Geraldine Hellar just thought... we'll go up there anyway.
Good use of a a possible person who exists.
- How old would you be? - About fourteen.
- Is this stacking up? - I just think the sign being moved, you went in there anyway,
it's an honest mistake. Why would they ban you from the ice rink?
No no no, the ice warden came up and said you're not allowed up there.
That's a great job title, isn't it? "I am the ice warden."
"I do not own the ice, I guard the ice
"for future generations. I am one with walrus and seal."
- Make him stop. - So he came up to you?
He came up and said "I'm gonna have to take you downstairs".
So he took me downstairs and unbeknown to me was actually taking me outside the door.
Were you still in your skates at this stage?
I'm just a little bit worried that he hasn't thought it through.
Yes, but ice warden man can breathe on the floor.
All the way home.
Me and Geraldine tossed out into the street in our sheepskin coats.
And I just turned around and went "f-bleep off".
So that might have been when you were banned.
It was the obscenities at the ice warden.
Yeah. Ice wardens don't take kindly to that.
- David, what's your conclusion? - I don't really believe this.
- You know what though? It's so bad it's good. - I think it's a lie.
Right, well there's two of us think it's a lie so I think we say it's a lie.
- They're saying it's a lie. The truth then, Leslie? - It's...
True.
It is true. Leslie is, or was, banned from Streatham ice rink.
In 1984, Torvill and Dean's thrilling Olympic win caused such an upsurge of interest in ice dancing
that they were given their own show just 23 years later.
I have formulated a five point plan for surviving if I were in prison.
David, please tell us this five point plan for surviving in prison.
Okay. One, I have to use the fact that I've got a degree.
In some way. I have to sell the fact I, you know, have knowledge.
Secondly I have to, in some way, find someone who is physically strong to try and, you know..
Save me. Save me from the big men and the soap dropping...
Thirdly, I have to make sure that this person isn't a person who will
b-bum me.
Fourthly, I need to have some commodity I can sell.
So I need to have some deal with someone I knew on the outside bringing in something like
cigarettes so that I could, you know, sell them to other inmates.
- Number five? - Number five would be to get a PhD while I was in there.
What is the likelihood of you actually going to prison?
Well, cut a long story short I did a terrible terrible thing but I got away with it.
- So this isn't imminent? - I formulated this when I was
a late teenager and I...
I was frightened of prison.
- How old were you? - I think 17 or 16-17.
- So the first one was what, sorry? To get a degree? - No that was the last one.
Oh, the first one was to use your degree.
The part of your five point plan of how to survive in prison is
"I must get a degree" and number five is "I must get a PhD".
It's this kind of talk that's going to get you into trouble in prison in the first place.
It wasn't five topics of conversation when in prison.
I wasn't going to bring these things up. "So what are you going to do while you're here?
"I seem to have a cocktail in my hand. Why am I the only one?
"Oh I've dropped my cocktail. Don't pick it up!"
What are you thinking then?
I'll tell you why I think it's true. It's because David's one of the few people I know that if he did do a five point plan...
If I was doing a five point plan it'd be like "Get a brick. Get a rounders bat. Get something else that's big."
But David's involves two forms of education within the plan.
"Degree, PHD, maybe I should make it a seven point plan and get the masters?"
- I think it's a lie. - What do you think, Leslie?
I think it's bullshit.
- I'm with you, Les-e-lie. - You're a big liar.
Fight fight fight!
Lee, you're the team captain. What's your verdict?
I think that what he's saying is utter rubbish. That that's a lie.
- David, put us out of our misery. - Yes, I'm afraid to say it is
a lie.
Absolutely right, it is a lie. David has not formulated a five point plan for surviving if he were in prison.
Are there other cards in here like "You have 19 different names for you grandmother. What are they?"
Uh, Granny, Nan, uh uh.
A five point plan for how to survive in prison!
I've got no idea how to survive in prison. Don't go to prison.
Only commit crimes you can get away with.
- That was horrible. - That was nasty.
I have never eaten an apple. Not even taken a bite.
Why not?
No I'm actually allergic.
- It's really upsetting. - How did you find out you were allergic to apples?
It's actually only to the green variety which is I eat the Golden Delicious or the Granny Smith.
I don't know what it is, it's something in the skin
that makes it green that I get allergic...
So you've eaten other apples that are not the ones you're allergic to?
- I'm alright with the yellow ones. - So you've eaten the yellow ones?
- Yeah, and red ones. - So just read your statement again.
I have never... eaten...
A green.
No you see they've made a mistake here.
I told them upstairs, I said it's green.
They made a mistake on one of my cards as well and they said that I have a five point plan for surviving if I were in prison.
- Could I possibly push you for a verdict? - I think that's a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie. Leslie, tell us. - Oh, it's
A lie.
And that electronic flatulence signals the end of that final round.
And it's Lee's team who are tonight's conquerors, having vanquished David's team 11-7.
So clap on the back to the winners, a clip round the ear to the losers.
And finally just remember that you can always tell a politician is lying because their lips move.
Which is coincidentally also how you tell that Jade Goody is reading.
Good night.