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趴下并抱头
本片是正式的民防片
出品合作方是
联邦民防部
拍摄指导机构为
国家教育协会安全委员会
由Archer制作公司出品
Ever been in a lighthouse before?
No, this is my first time. This is great.
Does anybody live up there? A lighthouse keeper or someone?
No, It's all automated now. Come on.
That takes some of the romance out of it.
Does it?
- You all right? - Yeah.
You're right. This is beautiful.
My God. You can see the whole island from up here.
I've always wondered how these things work.
Richard, don't.
- I can't see. - Watch out for the trap...
door.
Oh, my God.
- That one works. - Richard.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
- Are you sure? - I fell down a couple of stairs.
- Anything broken? - Nothing's broken.
- Are you sure? - A little pain, but I'm all right.
- I'm fine. How are you? - I'm good.
Here. Hold on.
The good news is, I can see again.
- I'm so sorry, Richard. - No, it's okay, really.
I've always wanted a limp.
I must thank you. This has been a great date.
I hope my major medical covers it.
What?
I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh...
but the look on your face when you fell through the trapdoor.
I think I've got a cracked rib.
- Do you want to sit down? - No.
No, I better not. The way things are going, I'm gonna break my ass.
You'll be okay.
I've had a crush on you since the first day I saw you at work.
I'm crazy about you.
This is so right.
Oh, my God. This can't be happening to me.
It's happening to both of us. You're right. It's so right.
No. This isn't right, it's all wrong. Not here in the sand.
- What? - You deserve more than this.
You need music, flowers, candles. You need...
You need to get out of here.
- Are you kidding me? - No, I'm serious. You could catch a cold.
- Where do you live? - Dune Walk.
Are you dead, too?
Mister? Hello?
Oh, Jesus. What is it with this place?
How are you? Party's over. You have to go home now.
- Where's Bernie? - He's swimming.
I had a wonderful time. I'm sorry I had to leave so early.
Have fun. See you at the next one. Larry!
Larry, are you in there?
- Come on out, Lar. Right now. - Go away.
I need to talk to you.
Can you just give me 30 seconds?
Bernie is waiting for us.
- Look, Bernie isn't going anywhere, okay? - I need you, Lar.
Bernie, he needs you, too.
Unbelievable.
How am I supposed to know that the tide is gonna come up that high?
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't understand why this is becoming all my fault.
- Did you invite somebody over? - Of course not.
Somebody's here.
Let's just shove him in the bedroom, we'll say he's sleeping.
Bernie, you cheat.
Two-timer.
Bernie, open up.
Darn you, Bernie.
Don't do this to me.
Where the hell are you, you son of a bitch?
I got you now, you two-timing bastard.
Who the hell are you? Where's Bernie?
We're Bernie's houseguests. Who are you?
I'm his woman.
And I'll kill him if he's cheating on me. Now, where the hell is he?
And don't try to cover up for him, either.
- He's not here. - Haven't seen him.
I don't believe you.
I'm gonna tear this place apart.
- That's his woman? - I guess so.
Where the hell is he?
- He's in the bedroom. - Is that so?
He better be alone.
God damn it.
Fun while it lasted, huh?
What difference does it make, we might as well get this over with.
This is good. She discovers the body, she calls the police.
Fix me a drink, will you?
I hate it when they scream.
Oh, no!
What gives? She has been up there, what, 10, 15 minutes?
I don't get it.
Got a little scotch?
Sure.
- Did everything go okay up there? - Never been better.
Good.
How do you like that? The guy gets laid more dead than I do alive.
No, she couldn't have.
He couldn't have.
I get yelled at when I just lay there.
Vito, I'm telling you, Lomax is alive. She was with him for at least half an hour...
- in the bedroom. - What were they doing in the bedroom?
I'd rather not say.
What the hell happened to Paulie?
Yeah, maybe Paulie is rustier than we thought, huh?
- What a night. - Great, isn't it? It isn't over yet.
It is for me. I'm dead. No offense, Bernie.
I just gotta lie down for a minute.
Suit yourself. Whatever you like. I'm going on to find the next party.
- Just wake me up when you get back. - Okay, sure.
- Whatever you like. - Because I got to call the cops.
- Of course you do. In the morning. - I need a clear head.
Good night, buddy.
Don't forget. Wake me up.
I made these a little sweeter this time. Okay, Bernie?
God, it's glorious out, huh?
Here we go, my friend.
This should do it.
Okay.
How did you deal with?
Oriental? I think I own that one.
With hotel.
$550.
Give me $600, we'll call it square.
Hey, Bernie, Larry.
Great party last night, Bernie. Your best ever.
Ladies. Hello. How are you today?
- Great. - Fine.
- Are we doing it again today? - Absolutely. You know we are.
- Great. We'll see you later, guys. - Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, ladies. We'll see you later.
Is this great or what?
Okay, coming out. My turn.
Shooter now.
Yes! Free parking. $500 for me.
Bastard!
I own it. Okay, that is $24...
I own them all. $46, my friend. Call it $50.
Thank you. My turn. Here we go.
Lucky seven coming out.
Shit.
One more you get out of jail free. All right. Fine. Your turn. I'll roll.
Here we go. Coming out.
Community Chest.
Second prize in a beauty contest.
- What are you doing? - Playing Monopoly. You want to play?
- No. - Here we go.
- How did he get down here? - He walked.
- He walked? - Say good morning.
Oh, God. You're just a sick man, Larry.
- What time is it? - It's 11:30.
11:30?
You let me sleep till 11:30? I have...
- When did you get a Rolex? - Oh, this.
- Good God! - He didn't need it anymore.
That's it. We're gonna go to jail. They're gonna arrest us.
- I'm calling the cops. - I wanted to call them yesterday, my friend.
He's very upset. Richard, look.
Let me just say one thing here. There's no reason to get pissy about this.
Hello.
- Richard? - It's for you.
- Gwen. - Hi.
What are you doing here?
I just came by to talk to Bernie. I didn't get a chance to last night, so...
Oh, no. Bernie and I are in a very big business meeting.
- Now? - Yes.
Bernie has such little time, so can you come back later?
Wait a minute. What happened to Mr. Romantic?
- Candlelight? Flowers? - I know. But Bernie is tied up right now.
- It's a bad time. - What is going on, Richard?
Okay. I'll tell you.
I probably shouldn't, I know I shouldn't, but...
at this point, why not? Mr. Lomax is...
my boss. I work for him at the insurance company.
Bernie, you're starting to peel.
Better get you out of the sun, huh?
Here we go.
We were really looking forward to coming out here...
when we got here, Mr. Lomax...
Bernie was...
dead.
Dead.
Like your mother and father were dead. And your aunt is dead, too?
Different kind of dead.
You son of a bitch. I got you.
Then how come I saw Bernie with you and your friend at the party?
Because...
You don't believe me?
Okay, I'm gonna prove it to you. Come on.
This is not going to be fun.
I know you think I'm crazy, but...
Well?
Where is Bernie?
Oh, hello.
- Where's Bernie? - He went for more daiquiri mix.
No, he didn't.
Richard, I don't know what this game is you're playing...
but this is ridiculous.
- I'm out of here. - Gwen, I'm not playing any games with you.
I'm telling you the truth! Bernie is here.
Where is Bernie?
What, you bastard, did you do with Bernie?
I'm phoning the police.
There's no dial tone. With 97 buttons...
- Where is your house? - Where is the off button?
Look, Paulie, just don't kill them while I'm around.
- Bernie, we're on a phone here. - You're right.
- Play that back. - I just got it stopped.
Play it back, please.
Hey, Lomax, it's Paulie. I just got to the island.
You're early.
Those two schmucks won't come until the 6:00 ferry...
- and I still have to plant the note. - Yeah.
- Where is your house? - It's on the point, top of the dune.
Look, Paulie...
- don't kill them while I'm around. - Bernie, we're on the phone here.
You're right. I'm sorry.
The point is, I just want to be back in New York with an alibi.
Don't worry about it.
We were on the 6:00 ferry.
And we're two schmucks.
- Kill us? - Lomax?
Bernie is gonna have us killed?
Kill us?
- Why? - I don't know.
Unless he's the one whose been stealing from the company.
Son of a bitch. He's gonna kill me!
I liked the guy.
Okay.
He said something about a note, right?
- I know, Richard. - Let's find it.
Bernie, you lying swine.
Holy crap!
What?
- There's a $100,000 here easy. - This is the note. Listen.
"Richard Parker and I stole this money from the company...
- "to pay for my sex change operation." - What?
That's what it says.
"Now he tells me he loves someone else. I can't live with that, and neither will he."
It's got my name on it.
Oh, God.
Son of a bitch. It's not bad enough that he's trying to kill me...
now he's turning me into a drag queen.
Why couldn't he say you were having the operation?
- It doesn't matter. - It does matter, Richard.
- I've a reputation to protect here. - For Christ's sakes, Larry!
No one is going to have a sex change operation.
Oh, yeah!
I got to call the cops.
- Operator. - Operator, the police, please.
You mean Ed? He's out on the beach somewhere.
When do you expect Ed back? It's a bit of an emergency.
I don't know. Wanna leave a message?
- Yeah. Help! - Okay.
Let's get out of here.
We have to get off this island, and maybe not get killed doing it.
- Wait a minute. - Tell me you have a brilliant idea.
- I have an idea. - What is it?
Lomax told whoever he was talking to not to kill us if he's around, right?
But Lomax is dead. He isn't around anybody anymore.
I know that. You know that.
Nobody else knows that.
Where's Bernie?
Right there.
There's no Bernie.
He's gotta to be, Rich. I dumped him here myself.
Where is he?
- Larry. - What?
- Excuse me. - Hey, kid.
- What are you doing? - What do you want?
- You little brat! - What are you doing?
Get out of there.
- What the hell are you doing? - You can't do that.
This is private property.
- You're talking to me? - Yeah.
- Shut up. - Who are you... You lousy...
You better be gone by the time we get there.
- Scram! Get out of here! - You little bastard.
How'd you like to kiss this?
- We have bigger problems. - Kiss my ass.
- What kind of home training is that? - He buried all of Bernie.
Jesus.
Come on.
- Good thing for you, you're dead, pal. - I actually felt sorry for you, you rat shit.
He looks good enough. Let's go.
- Larry. - What?
Jesus.
I never knew he wore a toupee. You can hardly tell.
Who cares? What are we gonna do about it? We can't take him out like this.
The killer might not know it's Bernie and shoot us.
- So long, Lar, it has been fun but not really. - Goodbye, Rich.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is...
Jesus.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is...
You little bastard.
- Get back here, you little monster. - Never mind him.
I'm gonna rip your gums out!
- I'm gonna get that little kid. - What are we gonna do with Bernie?
Oh, boy.
Come on, Bernie. Up.
Put it on him.
Brilliant.
- Sambuca on the rocks. - Yes, sir.
Here we go. Ready. Up.
You take him down. I'll get the cart.
Hey, Bernie!
Bernie, wait a minute.
- That guy talking to us? - Who cares? Get out of here.
Bernie, I've got to talk to you.
Bernie, come on.
- Hey, Bernie. Looking good. - Hi.
- Hi, Bernie. - Hello.
- Great party last night, Bern. - How are you?
Bernie, I've got to talk to you.
Jesus. He's behind us.
Shit! Is that the killer?
How do I know, Richard? Should I stop and ask him?
No. Just drive. Just go.
Bernie, I gotta talk to you.
- Doesn't this thing go any faster? - This is it.
We gotta talk.
What about our arrangement?
Come on, Larry. Move it.
Hey, Bernie. The Maserati. I painted it black for you.
The Maserati!
Ferry's gonna leave.
Hold it. Wait. Stop this for a second.
Let's go.
Rich, grab him. Grab a leg.
Wait.
We can't just drag him in. He's got to look like he's alive.
Idea.
Your right leg on three, ready? Here we go. One, two, three, go.
Hold the boat!
Got it? Hold the boat.
Hold that boat.
Hold it.
- Hi, Bern. - How are you doing?
Hold the boat!
Hold the boat, please.
Hold on. We'll be right there.
We're coming.
Come on, Bern.
Hold it. Hold the boat.
Shit! What do we do?
Stop the boat.
Look at this fool. He wants to get off, we want to get on.
- I'm gonna kill you. - What?
You don't have to worry about anybody else murdering you...
because I'll do it. This was all your fault.
- We'll die on this crummy island. - Let me remind you...
you're the one who did the extra work on the computer.
If it wasn't for me you'd be fired six months ago.
You can't even work the coffee machine.
A little brownnosing, ass kissing, to work our way up that corporate ladder.
Why can't you be a lazy shit like I am?
Somebody talk to the captain.
I've got to get off the boat.
- Let's go. - I'm sorry.
Please.
Somebody talk to the captain.
- I'm sorry, but we're still gonna die. - Not if Bernie's with us.
Great, I hope the killer keeps that in mind.
Larry, please tell me how we're going to get off this island.
- We got a boat. - What boat?
Lomax's boat.
- Tawny brought the keys back, remember? - Right. Okay.
You go and get them, I'll stay here with Bernie.
I'm not going anywhere without Bernie.
You go back, get the keys. I'll stay with Bernie.
We'll all go back to the house. We'll all get the goddamn keys.
- We'll all stay with Bernie. - Fine.
Hurry up.
Move it.
Hold up.
Okay. The keys.
- Here they are. - Got it. Let's go.
Oh, my God, Richard!
It's the killer.
Get the door.
Quiet.
- Lock it. - I can't lock it.
I only have a key to the boat.
Kitchen.
- There's no door. Back door. - Okay.
Don't panic.
Do something, Rich.
I got Bernie, you get the guy.
Do something, Rich.
Get him, Rich.
You in here, Lomax? You little bastard.
You jerk.
Kick me in the ass.
It's my turn now.
Got him, Lar.
There's another one.
He's got a knife.
Mr. Lomax.
What the hell?
- You can come out now, Rambo. - You sure, Rich?
Good job.
- Two killers. - Anybody could be the killer.
- Jesus, we gotta get rid of them. - Let's shove them in the kitchen pantry.
I don't know why I have to carry the heavy guy.
Get his legs.
Larry, let me out.
Here comes Bernie.
Coming through!
There it is. Stop.
Hi, guys.
Ready? On three, here we go. One, two, three.
Let's go.
Okay. Untie us.
Okay?
- Give me the keys. - Have you ever driven a boat before?
I was born on a boat.
This is a fancy boat.
- Push something. - I am, Richard.
- Nothing's happening. - I know.
- Push something else. - Something's happening.
Something's definitely happening here, huh?
Wait a minute, hold on.
Are you trying to give me a heart attack?
- I know it's here. - Just keep pressing those buttons.
I'm pressing. I pressed that button.
- Nothing is happening, Larry. - I know that.
- Did you try the key? - Don't insult my intelligence.
- Try the key again. - Fine.
See that?
- Here we go! - We're going home. Give it some gas now.
Giving it gas.
Gas.
- Nothing's happening. - More gas.
A little more gas.
We're not moving. Why aren't we moving?
I don't know.
- Larry, you said you've done this before. - It's different than my boat, okay?
Don't panic.
Stop the boat, Larry.
Stop!
Back it up.
We got it.
- What's going on? - That's illegal.
- What you're doing is illegal. - You have a nice day now.
Are you nuts?
- Got it now. Moving forward. Hold on. - Oh, shit!
Sorry, Rich. Coming back.
Coming around.
Why is this happening to me?
Coming back.
- Here we are. - Stop the boat. Idiot.
Stop the boat!
- Where are the brakes? - Boats don't have brakes, Captain.
You're kidding. How do they stop?
Throw the anchor.
The anchor, throw it.
- They're headed for us. - Here we go.
Whatever you're doing, don't.
Sorry.
You broke my watch.
Mine still works.
You better put that thing back on the dead body.
Drive the boat, Richard.
The cops are gonna take our fat heads to jail.
My God. Look at them.
Ladies, how are you?
Hello, Betty.
God! Just once, I'd like a woman like that.
Let's party.
Turn the boat.
Watch the fishermen.
- Watch the wake! - Duck!
Watch the wake, Richard!
This is tougher than it looks.
You're doing very well, Richard.
- Sorry I snapped at you. - It's okay.
I've never been chased by a killer before.
It's all right. You're doing very well.
- Why is everybody waving at us? - I'm popular.
I see.
Hey, Bernie, showing off again?
Oh, God. What the hell are those things?
Those are obviously channel markers.
Obviously.
Okay, wise ass, do you know what side I'm supposed to pass on?
That I don't know. Just stay close. What else can happen here?
I've got no idea.
- Serpentine. - Is that close enough?
Do you hear something?
- There it's again. - Yeah.
- I wonder what that is. - What is that?
- Man overboard. - What?
Stop the boat.
He's got nice form.
- I don't know. - I'm trying to drive a boat.
- You're doing well. - Trying to get us off this island of hell.
You had maybe one job to do. Watch a dead body.
- Well, let's not argue about it. - Jesus.
- You were the one who tied him up. - Don't blame this all on me.
- Oh, my God. - What?
You've lost my sunglasses.
What are you doing?
I haven't got a clue.
I don't believe this.
What?
We're out of gas.
Paddling in the Atlantic Ocean...
- on a dead body. - I'm getting swimmer's ear.
This is now the perfect weekend.
It started when I almost broke my leg jumping on a moving ferry.
I get to this beautiful beach and my host... Sorry, he's dead.
Hampton Island.
Checkers. Excuse me, sir. Is this your launch?
- Come on, let's go. - Don't rush.
Come on.
- Can you put a little snap in it, fellows? - Okay, Cappy.
Hold on, you damn fool.
I fell down a lighthouse. I had a corpse wash up...
next to me on the shore.
And then I find out that my dead boss is not only a thief, he wants to kill me.
I almost drown.
The girl of my dreams now thinks I'm a raving lunatic.
You mean what's- her-name?
And, now, we're going back to the house of death.
- Great weekend, huh? - Great weekend!
Just get here as fast as you can. Thanks, Ed.
Police is on the way.
Can just lock ourselves in until they get here?
I hate it when he stares at me like that.
Let's go.
Put him in his bathroom.
- Bernie's picked up a little weight. - What do you expect?
He's been soaking in the ocean for two hours.
Made a damn good float though.
Are you in here?
It's Gwen.
Hi, Gwen.
You've got to be the weirdest guy I've ever met.
You told me Bernie was dead, right?
I just saw you with him.
What's your explanation this time?
I don't mean to be rude, but get the hell out of here.
No, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what is going on.
Listen to me!
You're in danger here, leave unless you want to get shot.
Lomax is dead, somebody is trying to kill us.
Can we stay at your house until the cops come or what?
It's just Bernie.
Gwen, listen to me.
We didn't do this to him. Do we look like we could kill someone?
Honey, have a drink, relax. You'll be fine.
Let me rephrase that. Do I look like I could kill someone?
What is going on in there?
- Which one of you bastards hit me? - Son of a bitch.
You want to get your butt kicked?
I can explain.
Company.
I didn't see anything. I was looking at my watch.
I'm blind.
It's empty.
That's right. But this ain't.
Run!
Move it! This way!
It's locked.
What are you doing? We're friends of Bernie's.
I hate Bernie's friends.
This way.
To the bedroom.
Come on, let's go. Up.
You're dead meat, you little bastards.
Now I'm really mad!
Wait.
- What? - You take Gwen, you go hide...
I'll let him chase me, you try and call the cops, okay?
Okay? That's it? No arguments?
I'll get you all, one by one.
There's no place to hide.
I'm gonna die.
You kicked me, you bastard.
Shit! Out of bullets.
Sit the hell down.
Hang on, Lar.
- Coming. - I got him.
Get off.
- Hang on, Lar. - I got him.
Stand up. Fight like a man. Come on. Put them up, you chicken.
Watch this, Richard.
All right, Lar.
Fists of steel.
Bernie, let go of me.
I always liked you, Bernie.
I got it, thanks.
Just a little closer. Just get the two of us.
Get the handshake in, okay?
Wait a minute. I think I blinked. Did I blink? I think I blinked a second there.
- He blinked. - He blinked. I saw him.
Make sure he's wrapped up good.
Wait a minute.
I didn't kill him. He's not dead.
I tried to kill him.
Look at him. He's alive.
- He's not dead. He's alive. - Move it.
That man is alive!
Now what?
Now I'm gonna take a week off.
You're taking a vacation? The man who won't take a coffee break?
Gwen just invited me to stay with her. What should I say?
You're kidding me. You invited him? You fool. That's fabulous.
You deserve it, Richard. The company owes you.
Just a couple of days until Gwen leaves for school.
There's plenty of room if you want to stay, Lar.
Me? Oh, no, thanks. I'll just tough it out here at Bernie's.
I hear the party Saturday night is better than Friday, actually.
What is going on?
- What's happened? - Didn't you hear? Bernie Lomax got killed.
- No. - Yeah.
- Did you go to that party last night? - No.
Lawrence, you done real good. I'm proud of you.
Yeah, I did okay, huh? Surprised myself.
You did great, Rich.
Hi, Bernie. See you at the party tonight.
What?
What did she say?
Mister, can I bury you?
Great!