BAILIFF: Order in the court. Quiet, please. No talking.
Divorce court, city of Chicago, is still in session.
Michael Robert Gilhooley, plaintiff,
versus Edna Mae Gilhooley, defendant.
That's you, Harrigan.
That's us. Uh-huh.
Just leave everything to me. Yeah.
Order in the court. Quiet down.
Michael Robert Gilhooley brings suit for divorce
against and asks damages from Edna Mae Gilhooley, his wife of five years.
Go ahead, Harrigan.
Thank you, Your Honor.
It should please the court to know, that my learned colleague,
Mr. Morgan has informed me that his client, Mrs. Gilhooley,
has finally responded to subpoena
and is at this very moment waiting in the waiting room.
Well, why don't you call her, Harrigan?
Yes, I will.
(FINGERS CRACKING) So as not to waste the court's time, Your Honor,
I would like at this juncture to call Edna Mae Gilhooley,
who has inflicted such cruel and inhuman punishment upon my client
(GRUNTING)
and lay bare all the sordid facts.
Cruel and inhuman?
Any objections, Morgan?
None whatsoever, Your Honor.
Call Mrs. Gilhooley.
Mrs. Gilhooley.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(MICHAEL GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
BAILIFF: Do you, Edna Mae Gilhooley,
solemnly swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help you God?
I do.
Get going, Harrigan.
Thank you, Your Honor.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you, Your Honor.
Mrs. Gilhooley.
(SOFTLY) Yes, sir?
(PEOPLE MUTTERING)
(SIGHS)
Your Honor.
Mmm-hmm.
(STAMMERING) I have not as yet discussed this with my client,
but I'm going to recommend to him
that he drop his charges and throw himself on the mercy of the court.
That, Mr. Harrigan, is a wise, if not very lucrative, decision.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Hey!
You forgot your hat.
The bailiff will now attempt to assist Mr. Harrigan as he runs from the courtroom.
Thank you, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Case dismissed.
Hey, Leo, what are you doing?
Practicing law.
MICHAEL: Hey, little rat!
(GROANS)
Hey!
I'm gonna get you this time.
I'm sorry.
(GRUNTING) Dirty son of a...
(GRUNTS)
(CLAMORING)
We'll murder you in court, Cobb.
Come around here again and I might lose my temper.
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
Did you say court? As it happens, I'm a...
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
(LOCKS BOLTING)
MAN: Yeah, well at least they didn't get the camera.
How? What I want to know is how.
A spy! A spy!
Seize that man. Seize that man!
No, I'm not. I was just looking...
Please, you're making a terrible mistake.
Lousy, maggoty Patents Company spies.
You bastards ain't going to force H.H. Cobb out of pictures.
Saw what happened to your hired thugs, didn't you?
I'm a lawyer. I have a card.
Where are my writers? Writers!
Tell him how tough I am!
You're making a terrible mistake.
What's the matter, Mr. Cobb? Tell him.
Tell him what? How tough he is.
(BELL RINGING) Please, I can explain.
I hear a trolley. Steve.
Steve! H.H. Cobb's so tough he eats nails.
And spits battleships. Quiet!
Why, you're not from the Patents Company.
No, sir. You don't look dangerous enough.
I'm a lawyer, sir.
We're heading into the bush country, men.
Get my snake-bite puttees. Puttees!
L. Taylor Harrigan, sir, attorney at law.
Get it figured out, boys. Come on, I'm falling asleep.
My card. Here, Chief.
We just can't get past the jail scene, Mr. Cobb.
Well, get past it. Tell me how she loses her teeth.
Does she have to?
That's what I have to know. Lose her teeth?
Of course, she has to lose her teeth.
If she doesn't lose her teeth, the story has no bite.
Teeth, bite. That's pretty good. Write that down, somebody.
Got it. Wanna get in pictures, I suppose?
Me? No, sir. I'm a lawyer. I couldn't help noticing
that little altercation you had back there.
Well, the first thing that came into my head is, "There's a man in need of counsel."
First thing, eh? Yes, sir.
Now, what about those pictures you were talking about?
Pictures? Moving pictures.
Galloping tintypes, Muldoon. Haven't you ever been to a nickelodeon?
Harrigan. Nickelodeon.
Ah, yes. And this Patents Company?
It's not one company, Horace.
It's all these big motion picture companies,
ganged up together against us little ones.
Ah, yes.
Claim that they've got a patent on all the cameras.
The truth is, they don't want us blanket companies making pictures.
The trolley's waiting, Mr. Cobb. Blanket companies?
Independents, Clancy. Pay attention.
Harrigan, sir.
What? Harrigan, sir.
H-A-double R-I-G-A-N. Like the man in the song.
What song?
By George M. Cohan, sir. It's a big hit.
We don't need singers, O'Halloran, this is war.
We don't need singers.
Come on, we're going after him.
Hold this a second, will you, kid?
Yeah. Say, where are you people going?
(BELL RINGS)
How's this? The old lady faints dead away when she sees her nephew?
He shouldn't be her nephew. Mr. Cobb...
What should he be then? Mr. Cobb, it sounds to me...
Why do you ask me?
...as if a trust has been formed.
You're darn right, it's a trust.
Involving these patents.
He could be an Indian. No Indians.
(WRITERS CHATTERING)
I'm prepared to take the position that this
Patents Company is an unlawful conspiracy in restraint of trade.
I've had three lawyers, son, and they all told me the same thing.
But I like the way you announce it.
(GASPS)
Hold everything! I think the Wild Man's got something.
He's turning blue again. I beg your pardon?
(GRUNTS)
Come on, Waldo, spit it out.
(STUTTERING) He's on a...
Yes, yes. Get this down, quick! I'm getting it, sir.
...ledge, 20 stories up, with...
Come on, Waldo, you're doing great.
...his pajamas on,
and...
Just a little more, Waldo. Squeeze it out.
And a live crab
in his pants!
He's done it again.
God, why can't I get writers to think like that?
I wouldn't know.
What's he doing on the ledge?
Don't nitpick! And who is he?
Nitpick! Yeah. Who is he?
Drama! What we've got is laughs and drama, an irresistible combination.
Thank you, Waldo. Take a rest.
I don't like the crab.
He doesn't like the crab.
Well...
That crab is pure genius.
All we gotta do is figure out how it got there.
And who he is. Yeah, who is he, H.H.?
COBB: That's for you to tell me.
Come on, for heaven's sake. This is embarrassing.
He could be a ranger.
What did you say?
Oh, nothing.
Yes, you did. You said ranger.
I'm sorry. That's it!
Is it? What is he to the girl?
He could be the girl's cousin.
She's his cousin? He's her cousin.
Better yet. Isn't that the same thing?
Don't interrupt. The man is inspired.
Go on, McDougall. Don't stop now. You're hot.
They're in love, of course. Of course.
Madly. Madly.
I like it! Keep it coming, kid. What's he do about it?
What does he do about it?
He, um...
He kidnaps her.
And the old lady can't stand the thought!
He's a forest ranger. That's how he gets the crab in his pants in a river.
Forget the crab a minute. Then what happens?
TROLLEY OPERATOR: This is it, last stop.
That's us, Mullins. Now, write it all down, figure out the finish,
and I'll pay you ten for it.
$10?
All right, $15. Start writing, don't delay.
Now, make it juicy, print legibly!
Go on, get going. What are you waiting for? You're working for Kinegraph.
Make it seven or eight scenes. Two for the beginning,
three in the middle, two for the finish.
Three if it's a real lollapalooza.
Three if it's a real... $15 cash?
On the barrelhead!
Last stop. Everybody out!
Mr. Cobb, where...
Drop it by the office.
But...
Oh. Oh, dear.
I beg your pardon.
Oh, that's all right.
I beg your pardon.
Two for the beginning, three for the middle... Excuse me.
(LEO MUTTERING)
Say, are you all right? Three if it's a real...
What?
Lollapalooza.
Hello. Hello.
You fell down.
I do all the time. I'm blind as a rat.
Why didn't I help you?
You were talking to yourself.
TROLLEY OPERATOR: All aboard.
Do you live here in Chicago?
Not anymore. I'm going to New York City.
When?
Now. Now? Wait!
What's your name?
Kathleen Cooke. What's yours?
Leo Harrigan. H-A-double R-I...
Like the man in the song.
Yeah.
MAN: Beg your pardon.
I beg your pardon.
Sorry.
No, I beg your... No, it's my...
...pardon.
...fault.
Are you with the Chautauqua? I'm looking for the Chautauqua.
No, ma'am. I'm just off the train from Sopchoppy.
China? No, ma'am. Florida.
Everybody thinks that though. Can I help you up?
Aren't you kind.
Who's that Indian fellow you're looking for?
Indian fellow? Chickawa?
Chautauqua. Yeah.
It's a theatrical tour and we're all leaving on the train tonight.
Oh, that's too bad. Let me help you find him.
KATHLEEN: You're very considerate. I hope I'm not taking you out of your way.
BUCK: Not at all, ma'am.
KATHLEEN: I couldn't find my glasses, so I'm late.
It's my first real job in the show business.
Uh-huh.
Do you ride in the circus?
Why would you say that? Your suit.
Oh, no, ma'am. I don't ride at all. I hate horses.
But you are in show business, aren't you?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
I used to run all the alligator fights down in Sopchoppy.
You fought alligators?
Holy sailor, no, not me.
I used to introduce the alligators to the Indians, then get out of the way.
I come up north here to make my fortune in the clothing business.
Cooke! Kathleen Cooke! Come on, you're late!
There they are. Well, thank you, Mr...
Tom Greenway, but everybody down in Sopchoppy calls me Buck.
Okay, Buck, what do you want? Goodbye, Mr. Greenway.
So long, Miss Cooke. Hold on a second. Uh...
Look, I'm trying to locate a fellow who lives here that
goes by the name of Mr. Hoot de Longpre.
No, he doesn't. Ain't this the Hotel Rialto?
No, it's the Rialto, and Mr. de Longpre left last week for the rodeo.
But, see, this fellow down in Yeehaw Junction gave me $20
to deliver this here saddle to Mr. Hoot de Longpre at the Hotel Rialto.
Now, what the heck am I going to do now?
Oh, Mr. Greenway, good luck. Break an arm.
She means break a leg.
Why I got to break anything?
Obviously not in show business.
Cowboy, you working? What?
You working, cowboy?
You Mr. Hoot de Longpre?
No, I'm with the Clansman Company over at the New Amsterdam Theatre.
Hey, can you ride a horse?
Why?
'Cause we got a show on right now and our only horseman
got drunk last night and broke his leg. Can you ride or not?
How much does it pay? $10.
$10? In advance?
Okay. You better know how to ride a horse.
Mister, that's my middle name.
What on earth are you going to do, sir?
Find the fiend who did this crime.
But there's no trace of him there. We shall see.
I believe a glass of sufficient power
will reveal on the retina of those dead eyes
the image of the killer as though etched in fire!
You mean...
DOCTOR: Yes! Impressions remain on the brain
like words written on paper with invisible ink!
The fire-etched record...
Mr. Dinsdale, Louie found a rider. Don't shout. Be quiet.
What? Speak up.
Louie found a rider. Where? Bring him in.
He's coming. Can we make it?
There he is. Barely.
Get ready for the ride. Ready to ride.
Double time. And double it.
Howdy, fellows. What are you, in the circus?
Ever ride in a show before?
Put me on the animal and point me the right way. 50 seconds, Mr. D.
50 seconds. Hey, this must be my costume, huh?
If you fall off or get hurt, Circus, don't expect no extra pay.
And if you get killed, we don't supply the funeral.
Get him on! That's mighty encouraging, sir.
Climb on, hurry up.
Yes, sir. Here I go. Howdy, old stinker.
Cyclone. Cyclone?
Hey, mister, other side!
Huh? The other side?
Oh, left-handed horse, huh?
Where did you find this dude?
Hurry up, boys, get him on.
LOUIE: Riding's his middle name, sir. BUCK: What I got to do?
Just stay on that treadmill. BUCK: Wait a second.
The horse knows what to do.
Hold it a second. What treadmill?
On the stage.
How do I see out of this contraption?
Cross. Cross. Cross. Cross.
BUCK: Cross? Through the eye-hole, stupid.
BUCK: Hold on a second. Wave it around!
Hold on a second! Horse!
(BUCK SCREAMING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(BUCK WHOOPING)
(THUNDER SOUND EFFECTS)
How do you get off this thing?
Stop, horsey. Blizzard, stop. Hurricane. Rain.
For you.
Howdy, ma'am. A fellow gave me this here card last night.
And a person wrote on the back of it that I...
I could come over to this here bakery and earn some money,
if I was to ask for a... A German bagel.
(GASPS)
We're going in the back and have a bagel.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Deutsche Bagel.
In. In. In.
In.
You are here what? Your name is why?
My name is Buck Greenway, sir. And a fellow gave me this here card.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
What you all doing here, anyway?
Bread-baking.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Look, I'll just be on my way. No hard feelings.
Hold it! Don't move!
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
You will ride for us. $10.
$10?
Let me get this straight.
You all want me to deliver your bread on a horse for $10?
No, no, horse in pictures. Pitchers?
Yeah. Pitchers of what? Milk?
Milk? Milk pitchers.
No, no. Movie pictures.
(IMITATES HORSE GALLOPING)
Bang! Bang!
(KISSING)
You don't understand English?
You want me to ride a horse? Yes.
Well, okay, that's my middle name.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
No, I ain't feared of nothing.
And I can shoot real good, too.
Hey, you all are German, ain't you?
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Why you wearing that suit, stupid Mr. Horse?
Ah, well, these are just my dress clothes.
I got my working clothes over here. I'll show 'em to you.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Ah-ha! Yeah.
These ain't my clothes.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
MAN: Out of the way. Hit it again.
Out of the way. Now get in there.
Ah, Miss Cooke.
MAN: Let's go. Come on. Find the damn cameras!
Smash these tanks.
Come on, tear the place apart, here. Smash these tanks.
You Patents Company bastards!
Get out of the way!
(CLAMORING)
Now, those are my clothes.
Hey, wait a minute! That saddle don't belong to me.
MAN: Come on, tear the place apart, here. Smash these tanks.
MAN 1: Check that closet out there. I think I found it.
The man killed a box.
I'm gonna get out of here.
(SHOUTING IN GERMAN)
(MAN GROANS)
Huh? What was that?
MAN 1: Good job, sport.
MAN 2: That takes care of everything. The place is wrecked. Let's go.
Mike, help this man with his things.
Come on boys, wake up. Fellow, you're swell.
Let's go before things get out of hand. You the law?
We're the Patents Company, fellow.
This your saddle? This your suitcase?
Is that your hat? Yeah. No. Yeah.
These are my clothes.
Come on, we might got a place in our organization for a big guy like you.
You like to travel? Can you shoot?
That's my middle name.
Stop, this is terrible. My mother could do better.
I've got another one. Bring her in then.
You're just used to it.
The hell I am. What's it look like to you, Harrigan?
What? I wasn't watching.
Ah, you see? It smells.
I tell you what you do, Herbert.
Take the first sequence, put it where the second one is,
and take the third sequence, put it where the first one was.
But that won't make any sense.
No, but it'll get a laugh. And that makes sense. Dollars and cents.
Call it The Tell-Tale Knife, kid, better title.
Lights! Go on.
Whatever you say.
Don't sulk, Herbert. It's not manly. Everybody's temperamental.
Watch out what you say about my mother!
Now, give me drama with pathos.
Give me a story with heart-throbs. Shatter the nerves.
I said pastrami, not spaghetti!
Albert, H.H.
ALBERT ON PHONE: H.H. How are you, Boss?
Make it snappy. I'm writing a scenario.
(ALBERT CHATTERING) Feed Waldo and give me a ginger beer. Hmm? Huh?
How'd you hear? ALBERT: Telegram.
Telegram? Who sent it?
Oh, that's Chauncey Wheelock.
Wheelock. Yeah, the director, Wheelock.
I knew I never should have sent that Irish son of a bitch out there.
No offense, kid. What do you want me to do about it, Boss?
Oh, let me chew on this. I'll get back to you.
(GASPS)
He's turning blue, Mr. Cobb.
Not now, Waldo, I can't do two things at once.
I'm choking.
Not now!
I sent those idiots out to California so they could capture on moving picture film
scenes of historical association and natural loveliness,
so they'd be free of these goddamn Patents Company hooligans
that I have to put up with every day. And what happens?
What happens? What happens?
I'm telling you, for Pete's sake. Keep your shirt on.
What happens is that for three weeks
we have received no film from California, not one foot.
I have made a decision.
You hate the story.
You! You hate me.
How would you like to make 30 a week, plus expenses?
$30?
All right, 35. Not a penny more!
Mr. Cobb, I'm a little...
I should've known better than to trust a man who calls himself Chauncey Wheelock.
Claims he's a playwright and a director.
Claims he's another Griffith.
Ha! He's another Griffith, all right.
Max Griffith, the butcher down the block.
Who's Griffith? What?
I was just wondering...
Who is Griffith?
You mean to say that you don't know who David Wark Griffith is?
D.W. Griffith? Well, I think I've heard the name.
You think you've heard?
Why, he's only the greatest film director in the world. God damn him.
Man, D.W. Griffith is the best thing that's happened to pictures
since the invention of the camera.
And this fellow Wheelock? Is the worst!
I sent him out to California to take advantage of the sunshine,
to run my West Coast company.
Now I get a telegram which says,
"I've lost stories. Send more."
Lost stories? Where? In the toilet?
Harrigan, stand up! Yes, sir.
Harrigan, I want you to take the train to California.
Me, sir? Take five of your best stories.
Have you got five? Five?
Well, I think maybe I... Take 10!
Take them out there and if you see anything fishy, if you smell a rat,
if it ain't kosher, I want you to consider yourself fully empowered.
But get that camera turning. Remember, it's war.
Give 'em hell, boy.
I'll do my best. God be with you.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
(SHOUTING GIBBERISH)
WAITER: Last call for dinner. Last call for dinner.
What's all that?
Uh, we're pulling into Kansas City, Mr. Harrigan, and it's the last call to dinner.
Oh, thank you. Don't mention it.
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
WAITER: Last call for dinner.
Okay, let's see.
WOMAN 1: Okay, let's go, Reese. We'll be here all day if we wait for her.
WOMAN 2: Okay, okay, okay. Come on, Kathy, let's go.
KATHLEEN: I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Oh, heavens!
(GRUNTS)
My goodness! Miss Cooke!
Mr. Mulligan.
Harrigan.
Oh, goodness, there they are.
Okay, I'm coming, Mr. Duncan.
Goodbye, I have to go now.
Goodbye? No, wait.
KATHLEEN: I can't. Where are you going? LEO: California.
We're going to California.
You are? When?
Oh, I don't know exactly.
It's so confusing. They said whistle-stop tour and they weren't fooling.
Is there any place I could write you, Kathleen?
Oh, you remembered my whole name.
Allow me.
And I called you Mulligan.
I can't get anything right.
You can call me anything you want.
Then, goodbye, Mulligan.
Come on, Miss Cooke, come on, Miss Cooke. No fraternizing, fellow.
But... What? CONDUCTOR: All aboard, Mr. Harrigan.
CONDUCTOR: Come on, the train's leaving.
Goodbye.
See you soon.
I hope so.
So do I.
Good luck.
You mean, break an arm.
What?
All out, Kansas City. Kansas City, all out.
BUCK: "The Virginian's pistol came out, and his hand lay on the table.
"He issued his orders to the man Trampas.
"'When you call me that, smile.'
"And he looked at Trampas across the table."
Front of the car! Front of the car!
Put your bonnet on, put your bonnet on.
Advertise, advertise! Will you get to the front of the car, Miss Cooke?
BUCK: Miss Cooke!
I got you.
Oh, Mr. Greenway. Howdy.
I tripped. I'm glad.
Front of the car, girls. Front of the car. Come on, Miss Cooke.
I'm coming, Mr. Duncan. No fraternizing, fellow.
Oh, porter, wait. I have your suitcase, Mr. Greenway.
And I got yours, Miss Cooke.
I don't know how it happened. Probably my fault. I'm blind as a rat, you know.
And all sorts of people standing around when I first opened it.
It was very embarrassing.
Yeah, I can imagine.
I hope you're not going to shoot me.
No, no. It's just a new job I got.
Shooting?
No. Sort of law enforcement, I guess you could call it.
I was hoping I'd run into you.
So was I.
KATHLEEN: Oh, dear. I have it.
Sorry.
That's all right.
Thanks to you, I finally get a chance to change my clothes, now.
These are about to walk away on me.
Whoops.
Those aren't your clothes? Nope.
Well, whose clothes are they? Can't say.
Somebody doesn't have their clothes.
Yes, ma'am. Me.
Mulligan.
My name's Greenway, ma'am. Yes, I know.
DUNCAN: Miss Cooke!
Mr. Duncan.
Would you like to have some supper, ma'am?
Oh, gee, I'd love to. Except we...
Miss Cooke, go to your room.
Yes, sir, Mr. Duncan. Yes, sir.
Stay away from my girls, dude.
MAN: You all right, miss? KATHLEEN: I'm fine.
You in the circus or what?
No, I ain't.
(SHOUTING GIBBERISH)
Sir, where are we?
I just announced it, Mr. Harrigan.
Cucamonga. Oh.
Right on time. What?
But the porter was supposed to wake me. Why didn't he wake me?
Well, sir, he's only human.
Oh!
You'd better hurry up. The train's right on time.
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
These aren't my clothes.
Cucamonga. I'm not ready.
If I had my own suitcase. I should...
(FABRIC RIPS)
(DOG BARKING)
(GROWLING)
Go away.
Stop it.
Did you see that dog?
What dog was that, Mr. Harrigan?
Oh, look at that. What?
Your jacket's ripped, Mr. Harrigan.
Thank you very much.
Oh, don't mention it, Mr. Harrigan. Goodbye now. All aboard.
(HORN HONKS)
(ENGINE RUNNING)
Hello, little girl. Pleased to meet you.
I'm L. Taylor Harrigan, from Chicago,
looking for one Chauncey Wheelock.
Have you seen an ugly little dog running around here anywhere?
Yes, as a matter of fact, it bit me.
Good. Where'd he go? Off that way.
Your jacket's ripped.
Yes, I know. But could you just...
(PIANO AND HARMONICA PLAYING)
ALL: ...15, 16.
(EXCLAIMS)
(FABRIC RIPS)
...three, four, five,
six, seven, eight.
(SCOFFS) Hello.
Good morning.
Your jacket's ripped, mister.
Yes, I fell off the train.
Yes, sir, that's what happened, all right.
Say, I was wondering, would you by any chance
know the whereabouts of a fellow named Chauncey Wheelock?
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
He's a moving picture director.
He's supposed to be around here somewhere. I need to find him.
MAN: Why?
Did someone say something?
I said, why?
Oh.
Hello. I'm L. Taylor Harrigan, from Chicago.
You're not, by any chance, Mr. Wheelock, are you?
Don't let him get away.
Wait, stop!
(LEO LAUGHING)
Stop it! Stop it!
(LAUGHING)
He's laughing.
(LEO PANTING)
Well! I never!
That was assault.
You a snake-oil salesman, mister?
Those are not my clothes. How's that?
I mean, those are my clothes.
You L. Taylor Harrigan?
Yes.
He's okay, boys.
Here's a card from old Corny Cobb.
Well, what an interrogation!
Sorry, Mr. Harrigan, but we're all a little touchy about those Patents guys.
Oh, you thought that I... I'm Frank Frank.
What? Frank Frank.
You didn't look dangerous, but we can't take chances.
Hmm. No, of course.
And this is the crew. Jimmy, John, Dobie, Jack.
And Mr. Reginald Kingsley.
REGINALD: Charmed. He's the actor.
And Sally there, he owns the place.
What about Wheelock? That drip.
He went on a bender and we ain't heard or seen him for weeks.
(STUTTERING)
Four weeks. And we ain't been paid in that long, neither.
Yeah, he took most of the last payroll with him.
Son of a bitch. Well, that's just awful.
Then you've been stranded here.
Yeah, and it ain't exactly Paris, France.
(PLAYING LA MARSEILLAISE)
Right.
Yes, of course. I better send a telegram.
Where can I send a telegram?
Anywhere you want.
No, I mean where from? From where?
Over to the depot, Mr. Harrigan.
Oh, thank you very much. Call me Leo, won't you?
I'm Margaret Reeves. Everybody calls me Marty.
Very pleased to meet you, Marty.
Good to meet you, Leo.
Same here, Frank Frank.
(SIGHS)
Well...
I believe this is yours.
Oh, yes. Thank you.
Gentlemen,
telegram.
I would like to telegraph Chicago. It's an emergency.
If it's an emergency, why don't you try that there new public telephone?
See if it'll work. Ain't nobody called as far as Chicago yet.
The telephone. Good idea. Get fast results.
Hello, hello, hello. Central.
I would like to call Chicago, Illinois.
That's Kinegraph. K-I-N-E graph.
Yes, and can you bill it to them there, please?
ALL: Right. OPERATOR: Can I have your name, please?
My name is Harrigan. H-A-double R-I...
Like the man in the song.
Yes, just like the man in the song.
(HUMMING SONG) By George M. Cohan, yes.
I hear it, it's ringing.
Son of a bitch!
MABEL: Kinegraph. Mabel?
This is Leo Harrigan. May I speak to Mr. Cobb, please?
She's got the money.
She's going to try and get him. He's in three meetings.
Sounds right. COBB: Is that you, Harrigan?
Mr. Cobb? It's him. Where are you?
Mr. Cobb, I'm in Cucamonga. Is Wheelock there?
No, Wheelock's not. He went on a bender.
He disappeared. Disappeared?
He's yelling now. Drunken Irish son of a...
He took the last payroll with him.
Took the payroll! He's yelling again.
I'm going to have him decapitated.
Well, I suggest that you send some money to these people,
so that they can be paid and...
And then, I think that, uh... That you should disband the company.
No. REGINALD: Disband the company?
Out of work.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You will send money immediately.
And you want me to take my stories. Yes, they're ready.
And you want me to what?
Oh, no, Mr. Cobb, I don't think that's... Don't argue with me!
No, really. Yes, I know, but that's not... No.
He's fading out. Don't fade. Hello, Mr. Cobb...
Hello, hello, hello...
He wants me to direct.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
(HARMONICA PLAYING)
(HARMONICA STOPS)
Good morning, Sally.
(BARKING) Good morning. Oh!
Hello, little girl. I see you got your dog back.
Quiet, Leo.
I beg your pardon.
I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Leo.
The dog's name is Leo.
Good morning, everyone.
ALL: Good morning.
Well, it certainly is a beautiful morning.
MAN 1: Who's that? MAN 2: That's the director.
MAN 1: That's the director?
Frank Frank. Yes, sir.
Could I speak to you for a minute, please?
Yes, sir.
We'll be right back.
What's the matter?
Frank, to be quite frank,
I don't know how to do it.
Do what? Direct.
You don't? No.
Gee!
Well, don't just say gee. I'm a nervous wreck.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Do you always wear your clothes so big?
These aren't my clothes.
Well, whose are they? I don't know.
You don't know how to direct...
And I don't know whose clothes, that's right. Anything else?
Hey.
Well, didn't you ever see Cobb direct?
No, I was writing. God, this is humiliating.
Hey, look, take it easy. It's real simple. You'll have no problem.
I won't? Hell, no. Any jerk can direct.
Now, you see over there?
Marty and Kingsley? LEO: Yeah.
Putting on their white makeup? Yeah.
Those are the actors.
Thank you very much.
Okay. Now, you see over there, that box on the sticks?
Yes. John's putting a blanket over it right now?
Yes. That's the camera.
Well, the first thing you do is tell me where to put it.
I'm about to.
No. I'm the cameraman.
Oh, you are? Yes, sir.
Well, hello. Hello, sir.
Leo. Frank.
No, I'm Leo. Yes, I know.
Go on.
Okay. Then you tell the actors what you want them to do in front of the camera.
You tell me to crank it. And when you've had enough,
you just tell me to cut. Cut.
Then you do the same thing all over again with the next scene and that's it.
That's it? That's it.
That's all D.W. Griffith does?
Sure, more or less. They tell me Griffith doesn't say "cut," he says "cease."
Griffith says "cease." Well, I can do that.
Then you can direct. Let's go.
All right, let's go.
LEO: Good morning, everyone.
ALL: Good morning.
Good morning. Good morning.
(SIGHS)
All right...
Dobie, wasn't it? Yes, sir.
Oh, you don't have to call me sir.
Oh, well, we always call the director sir, sir.
Oh, you do. I'm sorry.
The story we're doing today is called Luke's Revenge. Could you be Luke?
Excuse me, Mr. Harrigan, I am Reginald Kingsley of the New York stage.
I normally play the leading roles. I would be Luke.
Oh, yes, of course.
What happens to me?
Well, in the first scene, Luke's horse throws him and he gets killed.
Luke gets killed in the first scene?
That's right. Then I do not play Luke.
Oh, well, perhaps he only gets hurt then.
I do not fall from horses.
I see. Well...
Um...
Does anyone have any ideas how we could kill Luke?
He could get shot.
Yeah, except it should be an accident.
He could shoot himself.
Well, that does not have quite the dramatic impact we're searching for.
He could get bit by a rattlesnake.
Did you say something, little girl?
I said, he could get bit by a rattlesnake.
A rattlesnake. Yes, that's a very good idea, little girl.
Except, we haven't got a rattlesnake.
Now does anyone else have a...
I've got a rattlesnake.
You've got a rattlesnake?
Yes.
A little toy rattlesnake or something?
A real rattlesnake. His name is Robert.
Robert the rattlesnake?
Yes. It'll cost you $5.
$5? For the day?
For two hours.
All right, little girl. Alice.
All right, Alice, can we have a look, or is there a price for that too?
You can look for free.
She's got a rattlesnake.
Yeah. Ain't that something.
Son of a bitch.
Here he is.
Ah, that was fast, little girl.
Alice. Alice.
Let's have a look.
(SCREAMS)
It bit me.
My God, you can die from the bite of a rattle...
I could die from this.
Holy smoke, he got bit by a rattlesnake.
(ALL CLAMORING)
Little girl, your rattler bit that young man.
Don't worry. Robert's poison sac's been removed for years.
He can't hurt a fly. Eh?
They do this to all the directors.
That's nice. Yeah.
We got it, we got it!
Just drink this down, sir, quick.
What? What is it? It's old Injun remedy.
Chipawau. Chipa what?
Chipawau. But...
Just chug-a-lug it down, sir, so it can beat the poison to your heart.
If it gets there first, it disinfects the heart and the poison can't get in.
(STUTTERING) Hurry. Oh, mother of mercy.
(HARMONICA PLAYING)
(HARMONICA STOPS)
(COWS MOOING)
Frank Frank!
Sir, sir!
Aim the camera at Ronald.
Robert. Robert.
Aiming. Kingsley?
Mr. Harrigan.
Stand next to it.
I do not play scenes with reptiles.
Well, what do you do? I emote.
Then never mind.
Just photograph Roger. ALICE: Robert.
Robert. All set, Boss.
All right, Frank, crank.
Cranking.
We're going to make pictures.
I said, we're going to make pictures.
(HARMONICA PLAYING)
LEO: Pictures with drama and heart-throb.
Pictures with comedy and pathos.
Pictures with thrills and romance!
And if any Patents Company son of a...
I said, if any Patents Company son of a...
(GUN FIRES)
Where is he? Where is he?
(STUTTERING) On the roof. There's the son of a bitch.
On the roof. Give me a gun.
Get him!
Who is he? Don't kill him.
The camera okay? FRANK: Yeah, just barely.
Don't kill him!
Patents bastards.
Patents? But don't kill him.
Let me kill him.
(GUNS FIRING)
Goddamn Patents bastards didn't tell me they were going to shoot back!
You're doing great, sir. Come on, boys, let's get him.
We're with you, Dobie.
Now, you stay here, Marty.
MARTY: Staying? Where's Leo?
I'm right here. Not you.
Don't let him get away.
Hey, wait for me!
Whoa, horsey. Whoa.
(STUTTERING)
DOBIE: Don't shoot. You might hit the horse!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Ain't no use in going after him now.
Nope, that's Hurricane.
(STAMMERING) He's a... Goner.
Son of a bitch.
Hello? Where is everybody?
BUCK: Stop this...
Look at him ride.
(BUCK YELLING)
Come on, now. Please.
Get down off that horse immediately, young man.
I want to have a word with you.
BUCK: Look out!
He tried to kill me.
Get, pluckies. Get!
Hey, you, wait a minute.
He's gonna need help.
Oh, hell. Oh, come on.
SALLY: Come on, folks. I think there's gonna be a fight.
(BUCK GRUNTS)
I got him.
BUCK: I don't want to fight.
FRANK: We got him!
Now, hold still. Oh, he's feisty!
You're doing great.
(HICCUPS)
I don't like fighting women and children!
Quit wriggling.
You kicked me.
(PANTING)
You shot at my camera, you Patents Company son of a...
(HICCUPS) Bitch.
One thing I hate, it's a sloppy drunk.
Well, that settles it.
Hold these, please.
(STAMMERING) Get up. Get up, you skunk.
You got a lot of help, mister.
Don't anybody help me! No matter what happens, don't anybody help me!
That sounds like a bad idea, Leo.
Not at all. I was boxing champion of my class at the University of Chicago.
I am trained in fisticuffs.
Get up, you coward.
(BUCK GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING) That's the way it's going to be!
LEO: Put me down! This is not the Marquis of Queensbury rules.
I knew it was a bad idea.
Come on. BUCK: I don't want to fight you.
Come on, you coward. I don't want to fight you.
Let's box. Look, I'm warning you, I got an alligator farm.
What? I got an alligator...
I warned you...
(STUTTERING) Say, he can... Box.
Son of a bitch. That Harrigan's a pretty good fighter.
(GROANS)
It's not over yet.
You kicked me! You kicked me!
Hey, no kicking. Yeah, no kicking.
That's not fair. Did you see that?
Kicking is fair! No biting.
I wasn't ready. You ready now?
Yes.
Are we observing the Marquis of Queensbury rules?
Sure.
We are not observing the Marquis...
(ALL CLAMORING)
That's it, Leo!
Punch him!
No kicking.
Time out. Hold it. Hold it!
Hit it, stranger!
Do you mind?
All right, all right.
Don't you trust me? No, I don't.
Uh, Marquis... Queens Marquis rules, you know. Go ahead.
Has anybody got any water? I'm dying of thirst.
(ALL CLAMORING)
(DOG BARKING)
(GROWLING)
Stop it! Let go!
Hey, you're doing great, Boss. Leo, get away from there, will you?
Leo, he's on our side.
Well, I guess you give up now, don't you?
I most certainly do not.
Get up. Come on, coward, get up.
Now I'm getting mad.
Hey, he's dancing like Leo.
ALICE: Come on, stranger.
BUCK: Give me a hand, will you?
(ALL CLAMORING)
Don't let them get away!
(PANTING) You give...
No. No. No.
You thirsty?
Very.
Oh, good.
Well, it looks like my place is the only thing left standing,
so folks, follow me.
The drinks are on the house.
(STAMMERING) S... Son of a bitch.
(ALL CHEERING)
MAN: Never seen a fight like that before.
Here you are, Boss. You're doing great. Just great.
I believe those are my pants you've got on.
I'm a suck-egg mule if they ain't mine.
These? Yeah.
You wear these?
Purty, ain't they?
How in the world did... Wait a second.
Did you meet a girl?
Blind as a rat?
Tells you to break your arm.
Falls down a lot. Kathleen.
Cooke.
My God.
Glory be.
I got to hand it to you, Dan.
Leo.
You got a mean left for a Northern boy.
And you, too. Thanks.
And you know what? What?
I like your looks.
You ain't funny, are you?
No. Did you ever think about getting in the picture business?
Thought about getting out of it!
Oh, get out of that damn Patents Company.
It ain't worth it, Dan.
Listen, you sure can ride a horse.
Well, it's sort of my middle name.
Well, why don't we have us a snort and see if we can work it out.
Okay, if you can get me up out of here.
I'll tell you what, Dan. Just tell me about when you met my girl.
What do you mean your girl? When did you meet her?
Springtime, New York City.
Well, then I saw her first, Dan, back in Chicago.
Long before she ever thought about going to New York City.
Is that a fact? Nothing but a fact.
Why we used to go sailing on Lake Erie.
Well, I took her down to my alligator farm.
Well, looks like we got ourselves a new leading man.
Yeah.
That big lug.
♪ Let me call you sweetheart
♪ I'm in love with you
♪ Let me hear you whisper
♪ That you love me too
♪ Keep the love light glowing
♪ In your eyes so true
♪ Let me call you sweetheart
♪ I'm in love with you
♪ Let me call you sweetheart
♪ I'm in love with you ♪
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Miss Cooke, you're supposed to be a clog dancer, not a clog hopper.
Well, I'm trying.
I thought it was nice.
What? Didn't you, Jim?
Real nice.
Who the devil are you?
We telephoned about your balloon for the moving picture company.
You Duncan? Oh, yeah.
(STAMMERING) Well, girls, take a break, girls.
Yes, the balloon'll cost you $50 for the day.
Give you 30. I said 50, little girl.
Give you 25. I said 50.
Give you 20. You just said 25!
That's a deal. What?
Is that your kid, fellow?
(DOG GROWLING) Hell, no.
My name's Alice. What's yours?
Kathleen. I like that name.
Well, I like yours. I hate it.
But why? It's a good name.
Nah, it ain't, 'cause you can't make a nickname out of it.
Except Al or something stupid like that.
Everybody's just gotta call you Alice.
(DOG BARKING) Hey, kid! Kid!
That dog's got a mean streak. Here's your money.
Do you belong to that mutt, kid? Come on, Leo.
Nice talking to you.
Hey, Alice should live in a palace.
Huh? Can't do that with my name.
Hey, this is only 25 bucks.
That's what you said. So long, Kathleen.
Bye, Princess.
Princess? Where'd you get that?
Well, who do you think lives in palaces?
Oh, yeah.
(DOG GROWLING)
Now you just hold on a minute, there, young lady.
I don't care what you say, Dan, I ain't going to do it.
Have I ever lied to you, Dan?
Yeah, you have, several times. I have not.
Luke's Revenge, Rattlesnakes and Gunpowder...
I've only tried to make you comfortable
in uncomfortable situations. Don't waste your sweet talk on me, Dan.
That is a director's job. I don't like being up off the ground.
What are you when you're on a damn horse?
Okay, fair enough. I'll go as high as my horse.
Fine. How high's a horse, 10, 12 feet?
Six. A horse is six feet. A short horse.
Short or tall, that's as high as this explorer's going. Six feet.
Do you want everybody to think you're scared?
I am scared.
Look, a horse is human.
That thing is full of hot air, just like you.
All right. Dobie. Don't go no higher than six feet.
Take it up to six feet and hold it. It's as high as I'm going.
Six feet! Marty, Marty!
Yes, Leo.
Oh. You run in when I yell.
Yes, Leo. Well, go on, Dan.
Get in the damn thing.
I'm getting, I'm getting.
Whoa! Whoa!
Did you see that? Hold it steady, boys.
We don't want to lose the leading man.
I gotcha, don't worry.
Everything all set, Alice?
Princess. What?
Princess.
Alice should live in a palace.
Has everybody gone crazy today?
Not crazy enough to go up in that thing.
What'd he say?
I'm getting a lot of help today.
Okay, let him up 30 feet.
♪ Keep the love light glowing in your eyes so blue ♪
No, no, no, no! Miss Cooke!
Please, take it from the top again.
Now listen, I can change that to Three Dutch Damsels in five minutes, you know.
Well, you do that, you big poop.
(STAMMERING) Poop? What did you call me?
Poop! As in poop-deck.
As in stern. As in rear end.
Whoa!
Wave farewell, Dan. Give us that confident grin.
The world is our oyster. Be natural.
That's not six feet.
New horizons, Dan.
All the arrogance of youth.
Harrigan, I'm gonna kill you.
LEO: That's good. Smile.
BUCK: I swear I'm going to strangle you.
Watch out.
What?
Help! My God, it's her.
Jesus Christ. What happened? Where am I?
(KATHLEEN SCREAMS)
Grab her, Jack.
(SCREAMING)
Kathleen! Kathleen! You know her, too?
Miss Cooke. Everybody knows her.
FRANK: What do I do? Cut? LEO: Are you kidding? Keep turning.
ALICE: They're drifting! Alice, get the truck.
Everybody, onto the truck, now! Bring that camera. Let's go.
On the truck? I've never done that before.
Don't be scared, miss. Stay right there. I'm gonna help you.
(KATHLEEN SCREAMING) I'm gonna help you, miss.
Don't be scared.
Here comes a rope.
Grab the rope. Where is it?
By your head. Stop wiggling.
That don't help none. I see it.
I've got it. Now hang on.
Now hang on, hang on, miss.
Cooke, you're fired, damn it!
Get the truck, you fools. That's our balloon.
Take off, Alice. Follow 'em.
We'll miss the rescue.
BUCK: Hang on, miss.
Hang on, I almost got you.
Here we go. Hang on now. I got you.
(KATHLEEN SCREAMS)
Grab my hands, grab my hands.
Grab my hands, grab my... I'm trying.
Okay, I got you. Okay.
BUCK: I almost got you. Here we go, come on in now. Okay.
Why, Mr. Greenway, you've grown a moustache.
Miss Cooke.
I tripped.
LEO: Stand up, stand up. We can't see you.
Harrigan, I'm gonna pulverize you.
Did you say Harrigan? Not Leo Harrigan?
I think I'm going to be sick.
LEO: Do that again where it almost tipped over. That was good.
I swear I'm gonna strangle you!
LEO: Don't look into the camera, you big oaf! Be natural.
If I just had my rifle. Oh, God!
Don't look down, Mr. Greenway.
I can't see a thing, so I'm not scared at all.
Then you're as crazy as he is.
Just don't look down.
Don't look down? That's right. Don't look down.
I won't look down. LEO: No, take your hands away from your face.
Play the scene. What's he doing?
He's directing a picture.
A moving picture?
How exciting. I've never even seen one.
Well, Miss Cooke, it's just possible you never will.
Be debonair. You're an explorer.
For Pete's sake, Alice, come on.
I can't help it. There's no road here.
Well, be careful. How is it, Frank?
Swell between bumps.
They're going toward the railroad tracks.
Well, so what? Follow 'em. There's a train coming.
What?
(WHISTLING) Should I try to beat it?
Yes, beat the train. Hang on.
No, maybe not. I can beat the train.
Don't beat the train, Alice.
I can beat it! Don't beat it.
I can! Alice, don't!
Hail Mary, full of grace.
(TRAIN WHISTLING)
BUCK: Too bad it didn't hit 'em.
KATHLEEN: Do you hear a hiss? What? What kind of hiss?
Like air escaping. That ain't funny.
LEO: Take off, Alice. Follow 'em.
BUCK: Oh, my God, I think you're right.
Did you see that, for God's sake?
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
I don't believe it. Still turning.
Keep turning. Alice, stop on the tracks.
What a shot! Kiss her, kiss her, for God's sake!
He says I'm supposed to kiss you, ma'am.
Yes, he did.
Well, he's the director.
Perfect.
LEO: Hold it a little longer, Frank.
Slow iris to black.
And cease. Cut. That's it.
(ALL CHEERING) Okay, wrap it up, everybody. Get 'em off.
Now bring the train back.
Oh, God, how are we going to get 'em back?
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
(ALL CHEERING)
That's damn good, Leo, as far as I can tell.
Thanks, Sally. Here, have a beer.
Good? It was great.
Not even Mr. Griffith gets stuff like that, Leo.
Not by accident anyway.
How about a hand for the cameraman?
I don't see where my role fits in.
Oh, come on, Kingsley, you wouldn't know a good film if it bit you in the nose.
Reggie's got a point. That's what's been bothering me.
Huh? What are we going to do with this stuff?
I mean, what's the plot?
Why is that girl in a silly Dutch costume?
And who is she?
You got me.
(STUTTERING) That's... Kathleen, ain't it?
Kathleen Cooke. Yeah, but who is she in the story?
Oh, yeah.
I didn't think of that.
(STUTTERING) That's a... DOBIE: Problem.
Son of a bitch. Yeah.
The boy and the girl are madly in love with each other,
but they're from two old Dutch families who've been feuding for years.
They're told they must never see each other again, ever.
So the boy decides to take off in his balloon
and explore the vast unchartered regions of Africa
and forget his only love.
But at the very last minute, though, she defies her father
and rushes off to be at his side.
She trips and ends up in the balloon, which lands on a train
and takes them to Africa where they live happily ever after.
You can call the picture Romeo's Balloon.
Alice, that's terrific.
Whoa, Alice you just fixed the whole...
I'll play the father.
Never darken my door again, young man.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about the stuff we've already shot with Buck and Marty?
She could play his sister. You just change the titles.
I like it. Yeah. Yeah.
You don't mind playing the sister?
Well, I can't be the brother.
(ALL LAUGHING)
And, uh, about the money...
That'll be $15.
$15? Why, you stole the whole thing from William Shakespeare.
So what? You steal everything from the Saturday Evening Post,
and they pay you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Feel better now?
Except for one slight problem, yes.
They'll be back, Coach.
They've only been gone two days.
A day and a night and a day.
DOBIE: Hey, Chief, looky here.
The train just brung in the Gazette and we're in it.
Picture and everything. MARTY: Look at that.
DOBIE: There's you and there's me, I guess. Big as life.
Big as life.
I don't see my likeness anywhere.
I don't either.
Now those Patents bastards are going to know Buck lied to 'em.
About not finding us here, you mean? Yeah.
Oh, they don't read the Gazette. Do they?
Leo's right, we better get out of town.
Son of a bitch. Yeah.
(STUTTERING) Well...
Where we going to go? I don't know.
We could go use the ostrich farm.
I thought you said ostrich farm.
That's 'cause I did say it. I got one over at La Mesa.
It's pretty deserted now except for five ostriches and Aunt Lula.
ALICE: I could use the rent.
That's the tallest damn horse I've ever been on in my life, Harrigan.
You owe me for two train tickets.
What did you do to your moustache?
Don't you try to change the subject.
Well, Dan, I guess he was a bit taller than I expected.
Hello, Miss Cooke, long time no see.
Mr. Mulligan. Harrigan.
You got any idea how hard a horse that tall can kick?
Well, l think I'm going to find out.
How was that damn stuff?
It was great. Glad to have you back.
Great, except for one petrified Florida cracker.
BUCK: I heard that. I heard that.
Hello, I'm Marty.
Anyway, you were covered by the new leading lady.
I hope you'll be the new leading lady, Miss Cooke.
Well, Mr. Harrigan, as it turns out, I am presently at liberty.
(ALL CHEERING)
BUCK: This here's John.
KATHLEEN: Hello. BUCK: Jack.
JACK: Buck, how are you?
(ALL CHATTERING)
What? What did I, what, do?
Alice, tell 'em how the story ends.
Princess. Huh?
Romeo's Balloon. Oh, yeah.
It's got a happy ending. They get married.
Married? What a great idea. An African tribal wedding.
Sure is, that's what I was going to say next.
We're getting hitched. I just said that, Dan.
I just said it.
Yeah, but you're talking about a picture.
I'm talking about reality.
We are going to get hitched, just as soon as I can rustle up a padre.
Ain't we Kathy-o? Uh-huh.
Well, looks like tomorrow I'm going to lose a lot of good customers,
so for right now, the drinks are on the house.
Come on.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Look out. Look out. Look out.
(PLAYING PIANO)
♪ I'll take you home again, Kathleen
♪ Across the ocean wild and wide
Go on, Buck.
♪ To where your heart has ever been
♪ Since first you were my bonnie bride
FRANK: Everybody!
ALL: ♪ The roses all have left your cheeks
Come on, Leo.
♪ I've watched them fade away and die
(STUTTERING)
Sure, I'd like one, Jack. How you been?
♪ Your voice is sad when e'er you speak
♪ And tears bedim your loving eyes
FRANK: Up, up, up.
♪ I will take you back, Kathleen
♪ To where your heart will feel no pain
Oh, thank you.
You moved in on me didn't you, pal?
You got to be fast on the draw, counselor.
♪ I'll take you to your home again ♪
PRIEST: And will you love her and keep her, forsaking all others,
in sickness and in health till death do you part?
Sure do. "I do."
I do, too.
(STAMMERING) And you, my dear, will you promise to love...
LEO: Oh, no, no. Cut.
Cut. Cease. Ceasing.
Alice, will you tell Matilda to get out of the shot, please.
That's Randolph. Well, tell Randolph.
He's supposed to be in the next shot.
Aunt Lula. Why didn't he tell Randolph himself?
He's the big director.
You're very helpful, Aunt Lula.
Reloading. Bring it in a little closer.
Moving closer.
Randolph, why don't you go stick your head in the sand.
Get going, I said. Are we really married yet?
Not yet.
I lost track five hours ago.
Put it back, please. Not yet.
PRIEST: Not yet? Not yet.
Anybody got any water? It's hot here in Africa.
Maybe he'd settle for some tall ducks.
(STUTTERING) Here he... ALL: Comes.
Jesus, Dobie, can't you just grab him by the neck and pull him back?
Well, hell, Boss, he spits and kicks something awful.
He's fierce. Have you seen his toes?
(STUTTERING) Mean, too.
Son of a bitch. It's only a bird.
Excuse me, Mr. Harrigan. Uh, just a moment, Father.
Well, do what you can, boys, will you?
What is it, Logan?
When are you going to be telling these people that I'm an actor, not a priest?
They keep asking me to bless them.
Well, bless them, Father, bless them.
Just shut up about it. Any moment, Father, any moment.
Dan. Huh?
Would you ask Alice to be a bridesmaid?
We need one and she won't put on the blackface.
Well, I don't blame her. They all look ridiculous.
Why would you say that?
I can't help it. Cobb will not send any money for extras.
He says, "Burn some cork and black up the crew."
REGINALD: Mr. Harrigan, couldn't we put in a bit of Othello?
It was my greatest triumph in the legitimate theater.
"Damn her, lewd minx! O, damn her!"
All right, Reginald, we will. Fine.
Go on, Dan. All right, all right.
Let's get going, huh?
The wedding's taking so long, I ain't gonna have time for my honeymoon.
Heartbroken.
Miss Cooke.
Kathleen. Miss Cooke, are you familiar with Mulligan's law?
I don't believe so.
It goes like this, Miss Cooke.
It's never too late.
Oh, Mulligan.
I carry a hell of a torch.
Hi, beautiful.
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
Shakespeare. French, huh?
What you so sore about?
Do you hear me?
I ain't. What?
Sore. Yeah, you are.
Spit it out.
You said you'd teach me to ride.
I will. You won't.
I will, too. As soon as we get around some
four-legged critters again.
Might be riding better than me.
Which ain't that hard. I won't.
Now why do you say that?
You're getting married.
Well, I'm stuck on her.
Only known her a week.
Well, it only takes a second.
The first time I saw her, I thought my teeth were going to sweat.
Besides, I ain't that good a rider nohow.
Thought it was your middle name.
No. My middle name is "Liar."
Well, if you do teach me...
Ain't no if about it.
Can we go alone?
Well, could we take the horses?
I guess so. Fair enough.
Ow.
Come on, Dan needs a flower girl.
Okay.
(BARKING)
(CLAMORING)
Hi, honey.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Food any good?
Nope. But the Father likes it fine.
Well, it's been a long wedding day.
Mmm-hmm.
Do you know what day of the week it is? Huh?
It's Friday, ain't it? Uh-huh.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but what is it that Catholics don't eat on Friday?
Is he eating meat?
That's right. Just like a starving actor.
Wouldn't you say, Father?
What? Excuse me?
Marty, I smell a rat. Do you?
LEO: All ready, everybody. Places.
An Irish rat.
LEO: Father Logan. Bride, groom.
Father, I got a confession for you.
Do you want to hear it? Later, my son, later.
Do you ever confess, Father?
Of course, my son. Now bless you, bless you.
LEO: All right, quiet, everybody.
Buck, now all we need is the kiss.
All right, camera. Father, you're not in this.
All right, hurry up, let's go...
Come on, well, what are you waiting for?
Cut it, cut it. Look, she is supposed to be playing your wife, not your sister.
All these people watching...
Take her in your arms, see?
Bring her to you.
Thanks a lot. You could've just told me.
All right, camera. Be natural.
LEO: Okay. Perfect.
Hold it, hold it, a little longer.
Slow fade to black and cut.
Light's perfect for the finish, Leo.
All right then, everybody to the truck!
Let's go. Come on. We're losing our light.
Thank you very much, Father. It was a wonderful wedding.
(WHISPERING) I'll get to you later.
Are we married, totally married, yet?
Don't worry about a thing, Kathy. What are we doing, now?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Aunt Lula!
Aunt Lula, ready.
Just hurry up. I gotta go cook! Okay, quiet, everybody!
Jump in.
In with your spears, dancing and waving around. Come on, come on.
Then take off for the sunset.
Jimmy, a little romantic hurry music, come on.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING ON HARMONICA) And camera.
(ALL CLAMORING)
How's this?
Too much black and take your glasses off.
You said blackface.
Never mind. Kiss the bride. A hug and a kiss.
Be natural. Quick.
Says I'm supposed to hug you.
Okay, go ahead.
Good luck! LEO: Throw the bouquet!
Okay!
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING ON HARMONICA)
Very pretty. Okay. Slow iris to black. And cut.
Okay, great. We got it. Come on back.
We're going to find a real parson, you sorry son of a bitch.
Excuse me, honey. See you Monday.
(CHUCKLING)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Frank, let me help you with that.
Huh? Oh, yeah. I got to develop the film.
You okay? Yeah, sure.
Come on in! It only costs a nickel. Five cents.
And if you don't like the show, don't worry about it. It only lasts 15 minutes.
Makes you feel real welcome, don't it?
Well, at least that rules out both Leos.
Lot of picture companies moving here.
Somebody's trying to give you guys a bad name.
Oh, who wants to be respectable anyway?
ALICE: Hey, Harrigan, we found a picture house.
I do. Don't worry, it'll never happen.
Where? ALICE: Down the street.
Well, well. I love my husband.
Oh, you kids.
If y'all going to make fun of me, I'm going to turn these clothes back in.
Nope, nope, not me. Makes me feel real festive. Sort of continental.
That's right. H.H. Cobb comes all the way to Los Angeles,
we're going to look sharp.
Hey, Dan... Frank?
(BAND PLAYING CHRISTMAS MUSIC)
Excuse me.
(COIN RATTLING)
My second Christmas away from home.
You miss Chicago? Uh-uh.
The trolleys? They got trolleys out here.
We ought to make a Christmas picture.
Yeah. There ain't no snow.
I'm forgetting what it's like.
It melts. Come on, let's go to the picture show.
Gonna be late for Cobb's party.
He'd never notice. Merry Christmas.
Come on in. Who's got the money?
Yeah, 30 cents.
(PIANO PLAYING)
♪ Daisy, Daisy
♪ Give me your answer, do Get the heck out of here, kids.
It costs a nickel. Get out and stay out!
♪ I'm half crazy
♪ All for the love of you
It's true. It's true.
Oh, shut up and sing, Dan.
It smells like a zoo in here.
♪ But you'll look sweet upon the seat
♪ Of a bicycle built for two ♪
Look, it's Cobb. What?
LEO: Yeah, that's funny.
What's he doing in a Patents House?
Look, it's... Me.
KATHLEEN: Look, it's Robert. BUCK: Yeah.
(PEOPLE CHUCKLING)
We never did one called Tuttle's Muddle, did we?
No, no, it's from...
Rattlesnakes and Gunpowder. MARTY: Yep.
LEO: Romeo's Balloon. FRANK: That's right.
BUCK: I look real brave there, don't I?
Hey, look at you, honey.
I never made this. We shot it, though.
But the titles are all wrong.
Quiet down there. Oh, no, look.
MARTY: There's Matilda.
No, that's Randolph. No, that's Randolph.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
LEO: Isn't that... ALICE: The Pasha's Pride.
ALICE: That's from Caves and Clubs.
LEO: Yeah.
KATHLEEN: That's me. MARTY: That's us.
BUCK: Sure is. There's me.
It's not making much sense, Harrigan.
Oh, yeah, it does. Dollars and cents.
Now what?
ALICE: Harrigan, this is a mess.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
That son of a bitch Cobb has re-cut our stuff.
MARTY: I remember this one. ALICE: The Gunman's Guilt.
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
Where are you going, Leo? MARTY: Leo?
You looked wonderful, Buck.
Didn't look bad, did I?
MARTY: Alice? Where's that film you just ran?
Where is it?
Don't hit me, mister, I got a sick mother.
I don't know zip about it, fellow. We only run Patent pictures here.
And this kid came by on his bicycle
peddling some independent junk.
You show them all the time!
Shut up, both of you, and just give me my picture.
Your picture? He directed it.
She wrote it. And I'm in it.
You're gonna be in it all right, if you don't give me my film...
Look out!
(SCREAMING)
It ain't loaded. It ain't even loaded.
Don't hit me, sister, I got a sick mother.
I found it!
Harrigan! All right, go get everybody.
I'll meet you at the truck. Hurry up.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) MAN: It's happening on the inside.
What are you doing out here? It's happening inside.
This place is sure getting a lot of nickels.
MARTY: You ain't kidding.
Buck, I think we're being followed.
Oh, no, they're, they're just probably going our way.
Nope, they're following us.
ALICE: Let's get out of here.
Harrigan!
What did you do? Bring the whole town with you?
You're the one that stole the picture.
What do you all want?
It's our picture.
We have to show it to the boss, see? It's all cut wrong.
We'll give it back later.
What the devil's going on here?
They're movies? Ain't you?
Huh? What?
WOMAN: Ain't you in the pictures?
Yes, ma'am. Afraid we are. Can you get arrested for that?
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hey, what's your name?
Me, ma'am? Buck Greenway, ma'am.
Don't tell her your name. Why not? I didn't steal the picture.
What's your name, miss?
Mine? MAN: No, no, the other one.
Me? I'm Kathleen Cooke. Who are you?
Me? (WHISPERING) Come on, let's get out of here.
I seen you in Romeo's Balloon, miss.
KATHLEEN: You did? ALL: Yeah.
We love you in the pictures, Mr. Greenman.
Yeah. Do you?
Thanks, miss. It's Greenway. Buck.
I direct their pictures. I'm Leo Harrigan.
I never seen yours, mister.
You been in a lot of them, too?
No, I'm not in them, I make them.
Oh, he just makes them. Just makes them?
You heard the lady, Dan.
Could you give us something, Buck?
Give you something? Yes, so as our friends will believe us.
(ALL CLAMORING)
Ah, see, we'd love to, folks, but see, these ain't our clothes.
They're rented. Oh, who's going to care about one tie?
Here's his tie, Beth.
Let's get out of here.
(ALL CLAMORING)
I got his collar, Morgan.
Hey, what are you doing?
Give me my hat.
(KATHLEEN SCREAMS)
Come on, Leo, let's get them.
(DOG BARKING)
(CLOTHES RIPPING)
Kathy, Kathy!
What's your name again?
D.W. Griffith. Now get that down.
Kathy. D.W...
They're all crazy!
Leo, stop.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
Get back. Mr. Griffith, you'd better get out of here.
POLICEMAN: These are fanatics! You're telling us?
POLICEMAN: Movie fanatics. I heard this happened down at Cahuenga just last week.
Go on, get out of here.
Come on, Alice! Let's go.
POLICEMAN: All right, folks. It's all over. These people got appointments.
Now get away! Stop it.
(PLAYING JINGLE BELLS)
COBB: Space, I said space.
That's what we need in this business. More space.
When this racket began, nobody in his right mind would give it a month.
But like Flopsy, it just growed and growed.
WRITER: Like Topsy, Boss. COBB: Her, too.
Space! Six years ago,
there were 4,000 nickelodeons in this country,
now there are three times that many.
And they're multiplying faster than guinea pigs.
And what is it that these five cent halls of amusement require?
Guinea pigs. Product. Product!
You said it, Mr. Cobb. That's what we need.
Damn right I said that.
How are we doing on that desert story, boys?
Come on, I'm falling asleep.
(WRITERS CLAMORING)
Irish! Just the man I need.
Steve, get their coats. Waiter, give 'em some of that hooch.
Take your coat? No, thank you, it's a little brisk in here.
You, sir? I'll just keep 'em on.
All right, Harrigan, think fast.
Two guys in the desert, no food, no water, no horses.
What happens to them? They die.
In a comedy.
Mr. Cobb, I... It's Chicago, H.H.
I'll take it over here.
Mr. Cobb, sit down.
That's okay, I ain't tired.
You're going to be.
You guys drunk or what? LEO: No, I'm going to talk.
And for once in your life you're going to listen to one thing at one time.
Now for two years, I have been
wandering around the great southwestern wilderness
of this country, faithfully making pictures for you.
I have done this with my associates here
through wind and rain, boiling heat and icy cold. Icy cold.
And have we ever complained? Sometimes.
Never. Never.
Day after day, diligently turning our camera,
shooting each week as much as...
FRANK: Three or four thousand feet.
Jam-packed with thrills and chills
and sending it faithfully off to you in Chicago.
In Chicago. Trusting you with our blood, sweat and tears.
My blood, my sweat and my tears.
Right. And so, today... No thank you.
And so today we chance to pass a nickelodeon,
decide to while away an hour in innocent pleasure,
and what do we see, Mr. Cobb?
What assaults our innocent eyes?
One of my own goddamn pictures.
Not just one of our own goddamn pictures,
but 10 of our own goddamn pictures.
Ten of our best, most exciting dramas, cut by you, sir.
Butchered into a single jumbled-up, truncated, foreshortened,
all but incomprehensible mess.
And here it is, exhibit A.
Tuttle's Muddle!
Did they laugh? LEO: That is beside the point.
They laughed. Look, we're famous.
$35 a week. That's slave wages.
What we want is more money.
We want a guarantee in writing that says you're not allowed
to cut our stuff to ribbons any time you feel like it.
A contract that says you ship 'em out the way you get 'em. Our way.
And more money. Okay, that's it. I rest my damn case.
And we'd like some more money.
(COUGHING)
Well, children, it's Christmas Eve. Peace on Earth. Good will to men.
You're all fired. Nothing personal.
Have a drink.
We're all fired? Mabel, pay them all off.
Steve, Steve. Sir?
Send a wire to the home office and have our B company
sent out here to replace these departing friends.
Clyde, tell me about these acres you want to unload here in Hollybush.
Hollywood.
Still got the farm.
Ostriches could come back anytime now.
BUCK: That was great, Harrigan.
Fired, for Pete's sake.
Fire, Leo! He said that.
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God. My film!
Uh, uh. Smother it, smother it!
(PEOPLE CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
Oh, God.
BUCK: Here you go, Marty, hold this.
We'll have to leave now. This room is on fire.
Bring the furniture and the food.
Reassemble in the hall and summon the red boys.
You all right? Let's get you out of here.
Hey!
Fire drill. Everybody out.
Princess, do you see Kathy? Leo's got her.
You! Ooh! Oh, hi.
You still got our rifle!
Leave him alone.
And our money.
(EXCLAIMS)
Why, it's Greenway.
Fellow, you were a knockout in Tuttle's Muddle.
I was?
Don't worry, folks. This hotel is made of pure steel.
Strike up the band.
(BAND PLAYING)
Marty, can I have...
Excuse me. Marty.
Well, Mr. Harrigan, goodbye.
It's been a barrel of laughs. What?
She's sore, Leo. I can't seem to say the right thing.
That's nothing new.
Boy, you had to burn the place down to wake me up.
We're all out of work, for Pete's sake.
Franklin, you'd rather be out of work with him than in work with me,
any time of the day or night.
Now wait a second, Marty, that's just...
Send my things care of Kinegraph Chicago, will you, Kathy?
Okay, Marty. FRANK: You're going back to Cobb?
Damn right. He'll know a good deal when he sees one.
So long, kiddo.
Don't take any wooden nickels. Okay.
Bye, Alice. So long, Buck.
Marty, where are you going? Let's talk turkey, Greenway.
We're Atlantic Pictures and Atlantic's going to the Pacific.
Let's talk about things. H.H. Cobb.
Yeah, damn blanket company from Chicago.
Hey, I don't like that outfit's music. I don't want to hear it.
You know what I mean? BUCK: Harrigan, come here.
(ALL CHATTERING)
(WHISTLING)
BLACKER: We're prepared to offer you each 50 a week
if you can report to work Monday morning.
Yeah, what do you say to that?
Fifty? Nope. You're right, Leo.
What? Who owns this kid?
We're independents, mister.
Cobb's insane, boy. Wise up.
Louder. Drown them out.
(BAND PLAYS LOUDER)
250 a week is just too much. We don't want to hold you up.
Wait a minute, he didn't say 250, he said 50.
How much did you say? Fifty.
And you? Fifty.
Fifty, 50 and 50. 150, that's fine.
What? You mean you people each want 150
a week to leave Cobb?
We'll give it a serious thought. No, we won't.
What? Did she say yes to 150?
150? Yes.
Yes, sir. You got a deal. Parker.
Leo, shake the man's hand.
Hey.
You bitch! Wally!
(WOMAN SCREAMING) Attack!
My arm! He's biting my arm, Mike. Hey, wait!
A counterattack act seems to be called for, gentlemen.
Neutrals to the side.
Neutrals?
Fair play.
Did you see that? Bring on my book, bring my book.
I cut my own pictures, mister.
At these prices you damn well better.
I want to make longer pictures, four-reelers.
Anything you say, kid.
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
Let's go, Dan, before he has a change of heart.
Happy New Year.
(ALL CLAMORING)
150 smackers a week.
I wonder where their studio is at, Fort Knox?
Anybody get the address?
Hollywood.
DIRECTOR: That's very good. Now, don't forget,
it's freezing cold, now. It's cold.
Tex, do you hear me?
Tex, do you understand what I'm saying?
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Don't look at me, you'll ruin the shot.
Help 'em out, give 'em some snow.
Frank, you've got to talk to that joker photographing Kathleen.
He's making her look like an elephant.
How can I? They got me in bondage here.
You really ought to shave that thing off, Leo.
Harrigan, will you leave my cameraman alone?
DIRECTOR 2: Let those pebbles drop like a rain. And stop chewing gum.
(BARKING) Princess.
Did you see those scenes they've written for Kathleen?
She can't do those.
Don't worry about Kathy. Wait till you see Buck.
They got him dressed up just like a fluff.
Quiet over there, Forsyte.
Leave her alone, Harrigan. She's writing for me,
if you don't mind. And quiet that dog.
He'll quiet as soon as I leave. Harrigan.
It looks better on Buck.
DIRECTOR 3: All right, dear, look up!
Attagirl, look up. Look terrified. Terrified.
Lean out a little bit.
Lean out. Now scream.
(SCREAMING)
Cut. Cut. Cut. I'm all right.
No you're not, you're awful.
You can't have her doing her own stunts, Stickley!
Falling out of stagecoaches.
She isn't supposed to fall out.
What's going on here?
Oh, he's making a fool out of her.
What's going on here? You all right, honey? Sure, I'm fine.
I got her. I got her.
No, I got her.
Hey, will you two guys get out of here?
I'll do the directing. Out, out, out!
Come on, Greenway, off my set!
Take it easy, will you? Take it easy.
Look, I'll talk to you later, Kathy.
I'll talk to you later, darling.
You won't see her later. You take care of yourself and I'll take care of my wife.
You can't even take care of yourself.
Look at you. You look ridiculous.
I know I look ridiculous. I look like a twit.
Okay, come on, Greenway, we're all waiting, huh?
Nobody can act in these socks.
At least it didn't take me nine months to grow a moustache.
Now daintily.
Well, it's about time.
Camera.
Okay, boys.
No, no, no, no.
Harold, if you're going to kiss her,
you take her in your arms, you kiss her on the mouth.
But, my dear sir, this young lady is playing my daughter.
What? Let me see the script.
I gotta start reading these things. It might help.
Well, they throw 'em on the lawn like a newspaper.
How do you expect to get anything prepared?
Drinking your lunch again, Harrigan?
Maybe that's why you're a day behind schedule.
Give me my own people, I'll bring them in on time.
Atlantic wants product, not excuses.
And we want it fast.
And as for the scenario you submitted, The Half-Breed Kid, it's a stinker.
We want entertainment, not some bunch of junk about Indians.
Christ, it's so long it took me almost an hour to read it.
How many pages a day am I supposed to shoot, Mr. Blacker?
Five. At least, Harrigan, and you know it.
I remember. May I see the script, please?
Thank you very much. Five, was it?
Five.
One, two, three, four, five.
Here we are. And we're right back on schedule.
You're on the verge, Harrigan.
Right on the goddamn verge.
Six months you've been here and never once you been in line.
Neither you or any of your goddamn friends.
You're nothing but a troublemaker.
A goddamn, shoddy, Irish hooligan!
Well, sir. I wouldn't want to make you a liar.
No, sir. I sure wouldn't. Hey, hey, Harrigan.
(SCREAMING)
(DONKEY BRAYING)
BUCK: Don't throw your problems on me, Dan.
You're through. Washed up. Get out! Get out!
Pick up your pay and out of here or I'll have you arrested for trespassing.
Do you hear? This is private property!
Let's go.
Come on.
Here we go.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
What are you so jumpy about?
Yeah, what?
I, I, I...
We came back to pick up Mrs. Greenway's wardrobe.
She forgot it this afternoon.
Who said that?
What do you want?
My, my, my...
Her wardrobe trunk.
(WHISPERING) Better put on your glasses. Might need to see something.
(STAMMERING) Oh, good idea.
I left my trunk when... Where?
ALICE: Wardrobe, where else?
Keep your eye on the pipsqueak.
I left my wardrobe trunk when...
(DOG BARKING)
What are you so nervous about?
I'm hot. It's 50 degrees.
I'm cold.
Don't seem to know what you are.
I'm hot and cold.
(WHISPERING) Let's go.
That way. It ain't gonna work.
Yes, it is. Well, just don't anybody leave any
fingerprints. I read that in a story.
What did you say, Buck? Fingerprints.
Fingerprints? Little grease marks on the end of your fingertips.
Well, I don't know about you, Buck, but my fingers aren't greasy.
Everybody's are. That's how the police tell it was you.
Look out.
Get it, get it, get it.
(ALL SHUSHING)
Good going, Greenway. I ain't no damn robber is why.
You want to play cards?
Where are you going? Here it is.
(THUDDING)
Well, it says camera department.
Come on, Buck.
There is the door.
Well, this one's locked.
Frank will take care of it. Frank.
Taking.
(DOOR CLOSING)
(ALL SHUSHING)
You want to pick one of these cameras, Leo?
Just throw this blanket over it,
'cause that's the kind of company we are again.
A blanket company. BUCK: Yes, sir.
LEO: Oh, hurry up, you hear?
FRANK: Buck, strike one of these, will you?
LEO: Yeah, come on, Dan. Make yourself useful.
I should've stood at home.
How much film we need, do you think?
Enough for a four-reel feature.
FRANK: The Half-Breed Kid? You know what, Leo?
FRANK: A four-reeler? You really are loco.
LEO: Maybe five. That's over an hour long.
Long pictures are coming in.
Ain't nobody stayed in a theater over an hour.
Sarah Bernhardt's done one. D.W. Griffith's working on two, I hear.
Come on, let's go. Not with stolen film, they ain't. Ow!
(CLATTERING)
Looks like it might rain.
MIKE: I wouldn't know. I can't see a damn thing.
I think so.
(EXCLAIMS)
Now!
KATHLEEN: Are you all right?
MIKE: I guess so.
(RATTLES)
Gin.
How am I doing?
Better than me. I hate horses.
How come we didn't come out here in the damn truck?
Because it couldn't cross this pass.
"Beware of jealousy, my Lord.
"'Tis the green-eyed monster that mocks the meat it feeds on."
Huh? That's from Othello.
What fellow? Othello by William Shakespeare.
Oh, yeah, I've heard of him.
That's good, yelling and shooting.
(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)
LEO: Now ride up to him, Kathy.
Ride, catch up to him. Good.
(SCREAMING)
Kathy! Oh, God, is she all right?
Kathy! Cut?
No, no. Keep turning.
That's right, save her, Dan. Keep going. Tell them to keep coming.
(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)
Jump? Jump.
You all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
How is it? Are you kidding?
Go on, Dan! Shoot at them.
Elmer, tell 'em to fall.
(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)
(GUNSHOTS FIRING)
(MEN SCREAMING)
LEO: Cut. Perfect.
Oh, Dan. Kathy, you all right?
That just couldn't have been better.
Oh, that ain't acting.
Well, tomorrow starts the Indian part.
Off goes the moustache. Oh, his moustache.
Yeah, I know, I know. Hey, babe.
Think you could do that fall again?
I didn't fall, the horse did.
LEO: Elmer, tell 'em we cut!
(ELMER SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)
LEO: Four reels, Kathy. Almost an hour.
And I'm gonna tell a story with enough punch to put us all on the map.
L. Taylor Harrigan's The Half-Breed Kid.
And this one is from the heart, because
you know, the Indian, he's like the Irish, the way I see it.
He's been robbed and pillaged, he's been starved off his homeland.
It's a blot on our escutcheon, for Christ's sake.
And it's the stuff of great drama, don't you see?
Well, you know, cowboys and Indians.
FRANK: Hey, Leo!
The sun does go down around here, you know.
We're ready.
Elmer, bring the cowboys... I mean, bring the Indians over here.
No go. Devil Mountain.
I need them in the shot. What's the matter, Alice? They want more money?
I don't know.
Elmer, all they've got to do is walk into the shot.
No go. Devil Mountain.
Jesus. Light's going, Coach.
BUCK: Harrigan!
Is this the way you want me?
Perfect. Perfect?
I look like a damn girl.
I look like Theda Bara. All right, here we go. Princess.
Yes, sir. Elmer, you have the Indians stand guard.
Grab the mirror and bring the powder.
Come on, Frank, let's get a little closer to Hiawatha.
The Indians are afraid of the damn mountain or something.
I heard that. What do you mean, afraid?
How should I know? Superstitious.
They probably think the mountain is bad luck or something.
Now, I've sent Kathy to the top. All you've got to do
is climb up there and rescue her.
Rescue her?
Who's going to rescue me? Well, pretend you're rescuing her.
You can pretend, can't you? What you getting paid for?
I ain't getting paid, 'cause crime don't pay.
I should've known that. LEO: Oh, cut it out, Dan. It's gotta look real.
Now when you get to that bush there, Elmer's gonna let off a little dynamite charge.
Dynamite? Just a little, to look like a bullet hit.
It's buried right by that bush there.
Well, I ain't gonna do it, how do you like that?
Okay, swell. Well, we won't have any cowboys in the shot.
We won't have any bullets. We won't have anything.
Well, just forget it. Let's go home.
Okay, okay, stop acting.
You're a lousy actor. Where do I stop?
You don't. You let the dynamite stop you.
Elmer won't let you get too close before he sets it off.
Here I am. I'm ready.
Kathy, put some clothes on.
This is my costume. Well, where's the rest of it?
Let's go, Dan. We're losing the light.
Okay. Let's get her over with.
LEO: All right, here we go.
Be natural. And camera.
Good, fine. That's fine.
Now make it look near impossible.
I don't have to act. All right now, Elmer.
Get ready with that charge.
That's right, good. And...
Now.
No, no, no. Cut it.
No good, no good. You anticipated. You flinched.
I did not.
Buck, you okay, Buck?
He flinched.
Well, who wouldn't flinch from dynamite?
That's a pure sign of intelligence.
Flinching probably saved my life 200 times since I met you, Harrigan.
Well, by the time Elmer resets, the damn light will be gone.
About gone now, Leo.
That ain't my fault.
Oh, who the hell said it was?
I swear, Harrigan, one of these days I'm gonna kill you.
Well, just don't scalp me, Chief.
That ain't funny.
Sure it is. It ain't funny.
Oh, Buck, he was only just fooling.
Yeah, that's what you always think. He was only fooling.
Well, I'm tired of being the butt of it.
I'm tired of being made a fool of all the time,
risking my neck, and never getting paid for it.
LEO: Oh, come on, Dan, what is it?
What's the matter? BUCK: Don't "Dan" me.
I'm sick of this pipe dream.
Sneaking around like a common thief,
making this great damn feature.
Well, who the hell cares?
It's just another western.
Now, come on, be careful. Only longer.
Now watch it! I've been working on this thing for two years.
No, you watch it.
We could be working for some legitimate company now and be paid for it
and treated with some kind of respect.
I ain't a damn kid no more.
You don't mean that, Buck. You know it wouldn't be the same.
No, it'd be better.
And if you're gonna keep sticking up for him all the time,
maybe you'd be happier with him and his lot of goddamn hooey.
You don't need to curse, nor yell, neither.
We can all hear all right. Maybe so.
But you can't see he's been after your skirt from the start.
If you're gonna stick up for him all the time, as far as I'm concerned,
he can have it. Buck!
I don't need your darn permission, Tom Greenway.
No, well, you got it, ma'am.
And welcome to it.
I quit.
Hey, come back here. Where are you going? You can't quit on us.
(URGING HORSE)
Devil Mountain.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
♪ I wonder who's kissing her now
♪ If you want to feel wretched and lonely and blue
(SIGHING)
♪ Just imagine the girl you love best
♪ In the arms of some fellow who's stealing a kiss
♪ From the lips that you once fondly pressed
♪ But the world moves apace and the loves of today
♪ Flit away with a smile and a tear
♪ So you never can tell who is kissing her now
♪ Or just whom you'll be kissing next year
♪ I wonder who's kissing her now
♪ I wonder who's looking into her eyes
(DOORBELL RINGING)
♪ Breathing sighs, telling lies
♪ I wonder who's buying the wine
♪ For lips that I... ♪
You look terrible. Thank you.
Well, don't you notice anything?
What? It's gone.
Oh, yes. Frank found him.
I was going to take a bath.
Good, I'll keep guard. What?
I need a glass.
How's The Half-Breed Kid?
Half-baked.
Poor Mulligan.
I remember the first time you ever called me that.
Now don't get mushy. Where is he?
♪ I'll take you home again... ♪
I thought you were the prettiest thing I ever saw.
Leo. On the trolley.
In my Pullman, hanging by your foot.
Oh, God, remember that? Bloomers out.
He's at the Alexandria. Drink your wine.
I'm very boring when I'm drunk.
Very boring.
My bath.
Oh, that's perfect.
What a mess.
Here, I got it. Oh, that's okay, I got it.
I got it.
Kathy. Leo.
Kathy. Now, Leo.
(SPLASHING)
It's just about right. Not too hot, not too cold.
Give me a hand.
(EXCLAIMS)
Did you hear something?
Just a crash.
What?
I thought I heard something by the shack.
Isn't Leo out there? I don't know, maybe.
(DOG BARKING)
Nothing.
ALICE: Leo says those Patents guys can smell a blanket company five miles away.
FRANK: Three. ALICE: Three?
I heard it was only three.
(FRANK WHISTLES) Leo. Come here, Leo.
(DOOR CLOSING)
What are you thinking?
I was thinking, what would happen if Buck came home now?
Why? Nothing happened.
Well, here I am in his house, in his robe, on his bed, with his wife.
No jury in the world would convict him if he shot me.
Leo. Hmm?
It's not that I don't love you.
Yeah, yeah?
It's just that I can't.
Now what if I'd been in that balloon instead of Buck?
Yeah?
Would he be here now and I'd be in some hotel?
That's hard to say.
Yeah, but I'd shoot him.
(CAR APPROACHING)
Do you hear that?
It's going to go by.
(CAR ENGINE STOPS)
(WHISPERING) It's the neighbors.
(WHISPERING) I'm the neighbors.
BUCK: Kathy-o! I don't believe it.
BUCK: You upstairs, honey?
Get out the window, quick!
I don't believe it. My clothes.
Oh, my God.
BUCK: Honey.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
BUCK: You up here, honey? Be natural.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll be right out, Buck. Just a second.
Honey.
BUCK: I had me a long thinking.
I was afraid you might even change the locks.
KATHLEEN: I'll be right out, Tom.
I know I've been kind of wrong.
(CREAKING)
What was that? KATHLEEN: Must be that old cat.
(SPLASHING)
Stay here, Kathy.
It's them Patents bastards. KATHLEEN: Buck, wait.
Don't shoot, it's me. You're back.
Did you see him?
That's where he fell, I guess.
See the trail? Goes behind the garage.
I think he's cornered.
ALICE: What is it, Frank?
Stay right there, Alice. ALICE: Buck, you're back.
All right, come on out, mister.
(TWIG SNAPPING)
You can't get away, so don't try.
I got a rifle here and the sorry end's pointing your way.
These aren't my clothes.
Yeah.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
Frank, go after him. Take my car.
He'll hurt himself. The keys are in it.
(DOG BARKING)
Alice!
(EXPLOSION)
Alice!
Jesus, God! Alice!
Alice, for God's sake! ALICE: I'm all right.
You sure? Sure.
They got the camera, too. They got everything.
Some guard, Frank.
Some friend, Leo.
Nothing happened. What are you talking about?
Don't be such a saint, Frank. Okay.
KATHLEEN: Frank, wait.
I'm sorry.
That's the one. Okay.
BUCK: Yeah, what is it?
Telegram, telegram for Mr. Greenway.
Telegram?
Well, more like a package.
See? It says here, "Deliver at 10."
Well, that could be a mistake.
It was.
Don't ever tell me about it.
There's nothing to tell, Tom.
They gave me the damn bridal suite.
I'd love to see it.
Come on in.
(SIGHING)
Are you just going to climb in that bottle?
Maybe.
Go say you're sorry.
For what?
They wouldn't listen anyway.
You were getting pretty good, you know.
Yeah, I'm particularly good without a camera or film or actors.
What's the matter with me?
I give up, what's the matter with you?
They like little girls in pictures, you know.
Look at Mary Pickford.
Mary Pickford is 20 years old.
See? And I'm younger even.
(SNEEZES LOUDLY)
Not bad. You could be in them, too.
Thank you very much. I've got some money saved up.
And we can get Frank to help us.
I don't think so.
What? I don't think so.
Well, maybe Dobie and the boys, then. They'd do it.
And then we can sell the ostrich farm.
Aunt Lula will never forgive us.
We'll let her keep Randolph.
BUCK: Here we are. Smile, honey. KATHLEEN: I'm smiling.
MAN: Hey, it's the Greenways.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
(DOG BARKING)
Leo, stop it. Stop barking at Leo all the time.
That's all right. He's just excited.
WOMAN: Mr. Harrigan. MAN: Hey, Leo. Alice.
Keep an eye on the dog, will you?
You are pretty.
Yes, she's pretty.
Come on, honey.
(MUSICIANS WARMING UP)
(BAND PLAYING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
Boy, I sure hope it's better than the play.
I hear he's changing the title for New York.
Yeah? To what?
The Birth of a Nation.
(GUNSHOTS FIRING)
(CHEERING)
AUDIENCE: Griffith! Griffith!
MAN 1: Griffith! Griffith!
MAN 2: Griffith!
AUDIENCE: Griffith! Griffith!
Griffith! BOTH: Griffith.
(CHEERING LOUDLY)
(CHATTERING)
Here, hold this. Huh?
Honey, hold my hat.
Are you all right? What's going on?
COBB: Harrigan. Greenbush.
Where the hell have you been when I need you?
BUCK: How's that? I'm inspired, but damn it, I'm stumped.
LEO: I beg your pardon. I want a war story. A big one.
LEO: Civil war, I suppose.
The war in Europe, Irish. Pay attention.
What war in Europe? What war in Europe?
Marty! What? Oh, yes.
I want you all to meet my bride, Mrs. H.H. Cobb. Everyone calls her Marty.
Mr. Cobb... What? What? What?
Hello, gang.
Marty. Hi there, Marty.
Marty. MARTY: Hi, kiddo.
Buck. Hello, Frank.
Hello, Marty.
Well, where was I, Bertha?
Come on, boys. Mr. Cobb...
If you don't... Did you see what I saw tonight?
Now, this thing is going to change the business.
The Patents Trust is wiped out.
The greatest motion picture of all time has just been unfurled,
and it was made by a blanket company. That's the magic.
That's the mystery. There's no stopping this business.
The time of the nickelodeon is over.
A new day has dawned.
The epoch of the picture palace.
Big pictures. Big theaters. Six reels.
Eight reels. Look at this thing tonight, fifteen reels.
Twelve. See what I mean?
Look, I don't want to go that far.
Griffith's a genius, but he's a little crazy.
He's a little crazy? MARTY: He's a little crazy. You said it.
Harrigan, how long is that Indian script you used to keep shoving in people's faces?
The Half-Breed Kid? Four or five reels. Why?
Make it seven!
What are you all standing around here for?
This is the beginning of the world. Mr. Cobb, don't you see...
Think of it.
All those people going to see the pictures.
And a lot of them can't even talk American.
Then they don't have to because pictures are a language
that everybody understands. It's like music for the eyes.
And if you're good, if you're really good,
then maybe what you're doing
is you're giving 'em little tiny pieces of time
that they never forget.
Miss Forsyte, your motorcar.
The child owns this? The end is near.
Shorty, if you're interested in a salary twice your size, raise your mitt.
Mr. Cobb, you're trying to bribe us.
You can't bribe somebody who doesn't trust you, Irish.
Get in the car, before they arrest your husband for assault and battery.
What? Take a ride, make a getaway,
have a script conference. Don't pay him no mind, honey.
What are you waiting for? Opportunity knocks but twice.
For Pete's sake. Harrigan, I want a feature.
A big one. Now whatever you're paying yourself, I'll double it.
That goes for all of you. Call me tomorrow.
Where am I driving?
Okay, that's where I'm driving.
(SCOFFS) Script conference?
I'd rather quit than have to work with you again.
I'd rather quit, period. Good.
We finally agree on something.
Might as well quit.
The best damn picture that's ever going to be made has already been made.
You sure as hell ain't gonna make one better.
I'm sick of this racket anyway.
Get up at dawn,
work all day, every night, six days a week.
So bushed on the seventh you can't get out of bed.
No family.
No home or nothing.
And these directors you work with today,
they don't know their left from their right.
Yeah, well, I hear you've been directing them yourself,
so that doesn't surprise me.
I've seen your acting. I wouldn't be talking if I was you.
Yeah, the fun's gone out of it, sure.
Look at that.
DIRECTOR: Bring the camera over there.
They're shooting a picture.
Half-Breed Kid, huh?
Well, I ain't much of a kid no more.
You could shave your moustache.
Oh, his moustache?
Give me 10 years.
Give us all 10 years.
(BAND STARTS PLAYING) DIRECTOR: Music.
Well, I'm getting sick.
(ALL LAUGHING)
LEO: I got a real great idea for the finish.
FRANK: Hey, Leo, remember what Cobb said,
he wants a seven-reeler.
ALICE: That finish is my idea, Harrigan.
I've got a great place in mind as well.
DIRECTOR: Camera.
FRANK: I've got great confidence in you.
(LEO LAUGHING)
DIRECTOR: Action!
ALL: ♪ What's the use of worrying?
♪ It never was worthwhile
♪ So pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
♪ And smile, smile, smile ♪