(TV) They said it was too much like "The Krypton Factor."
(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)
I'm watching some deleted scenes from the smash series "The Office".
If you've bought this DVD to watch the smash series,
I thought you'd like to see some scenes not good enough to make the final cut. Enjoy it!
Dawn, could I have a word with you about a delicate matter?
Basically, I've got two women on the go at the same time.
Got off with them at Chaser's. They both want me.
What's your question? Should you be cheating on them?
No, I don't care about that. Basically, one of them is an absolute cracker - a real fox.
Not much in the brains department
and I need intellectual stimulation as well as downstairs.
Right.
I have to tell her not to talk during "it". Stupidity puts me off my stroke.
- On you go. - The other one is lovely, clever, A-levels.
Right laugh. Bit of a bloater.
OK. It's nice that you're thinking of choosing brains over beauty.
Well... no, I'm not. Can I ask Fatty to lose weight?
I'm not even sure that's a solution,
because it's difficult to tell if she's got a pretty face.
I wouldn't just ask her straight out like that to lose the weight.
I'd send her an e-mail or something.
Why are you asking me?
I want a woman's perspective and you're the only woman I don't fancy.
Don't be offended - if you came round begging for it, I'd still do you.
That's nice to know.
Childish.
Oh... They're a bit tight, aren't they?
- I'm in training. I'm in the army. - You're in the Territorials, aren't you?
Territorial Army, yeah. What are you up to?
I'm just making a cup of tea.
Good. Fluids.
You should have a litre and a half of fluids a day for optimum hydration.
Excuse me.
I try and do about 20 of these a day when I'm in training.
Sit-ups and squat thrusts and...
The thing about me is I love to look good.
I work hard. I spend my money on myself. That's my reward.
It means I can look at myself and say, "I've bought everything that I'm wearing."
Not the socks - they were from my cousin - but they only cost a fiver.
I bought her £15 worth of Body Shop vouchers.
That's the good thing about vouchers. She can see how much I spent on her
and probably this year she'll buck her ideas up.
They're nice.
- Don't look if you don't like it. - I do like it.
Can I have one like that? Could you arrange for me to?
Mr Keenan. Have... whoa... you... what?
Huh? No...
I don't want to do...
What um? Are you going to get changed?
- Yeah. - Good.
I don't want to act like this, but he drives me to it.
Everything he does winds me up. He is the most annoying man on God's earth.
The way he talks, the way when he's reading a newspaper he laughs out loud, the way...
OK. Do you know his favourite band of all time? 50 years of popular music.
It's "Mike And The Mechanics." Blood pressure's up just thinking about him.
The only way I can get through my day is to be even more annoying than he is.
You know Bruce Lee's "Trembling Hand"?
- Yeah. - You know how he did it?
Yeah. Tell me again.
He concentrated all the power in his body via the mind into one hand
until it's trembling with power.
Then he'd touch you and burst every blood vessel in your body, so you died.
Bloody hell. It's brilliant. Do you do that?
- I'd never try it on anyone. - Test it out on stray cats.
Done. Good. OK. Lots of objectives for the year to think about.
Main one, of course, work on your communication skills. OK?
- Is that a yes? - Yeah.
I'm going to leave you with this, Keith.
In life, never be afraid of moving forward slowly.
Only be afraid of standing still.
Keep the art. You'll always have the doodling.
I've seen your stuff. It's all right. If I've got one criticism, it doesn't...
- Smack you in the mouth? - Yeah.
Excuse my French - doesn't grab me by the bollards.
No message. That's...
I did this drawing once when I was about 14 and it was of a human ear -
a perfect anatomical drawing of an ear -
and around the page was a dog barking and a kid screaming, and a gun and a plane
and a TV blaring, and the human ear was exploding into a thousand pieces.
Message.
- Loud noises hurt your ears? - Damage them. Permanently sometimes.
That was... medical.
- I did. - That's pretty bad.
I know. It was all wonky.
- What other stuff is there? - I don't know, Gareth.
Just trying to think.
I'm just going to go for a wazz.
I ought to go. I'll show you where it is.
Smooth, Gareth. Don't make it too blatant.
When she comes back, make an excuse and leave. I'm going to move in.
It was covered in rust when I got it. Done it all myself... Well, my uncle.
- My uncle helped me a bit. - How long have you had it?
About 18 months now. Do you know how much it's gone up in price?
- About two grand. - Two grand.
- So are you going to sell it? - I might get a Porsche.
Here's the old office. The good thing about having it here is that I can see everyone.
I'm not spying on them. They're spying on me.
They can see me having a laugh with them, but they still know I'm the boss.
When I say jump, they jump. That's respect. Can I have a coffee, Ems?
- Get it yourself. - Joking.
She knows I wouldn't want one now. That's why... Have a seat.
- Because you two get on so well together... - Get on with everyone.
I know but... Could you have a word with him to find out whether he?
- What, shall I pass him a note? - I know it's childish.
If you love Rachel, tick this box.
- Ladies. - Gareth.
- Rachel. Having a chat? - Yeah.
Ladies' talk. Don't mind me.
So what do you think about it? Because I have seriously thought of lesbianism.
Great. So have I.
Um... Do you want to give it a go, then, seriously?
- Yeah. I'll give anything a go once. - Great. Come over to mine, then.
No. Why don't we go to a hotel in case we get carried away?
I am likely to go pretty berserk.
Oh... I need a spoon.
- Gareth, what are you doing tonight? - I'm busy.
- It's as easy as that. - My God.
- All right? - Yeah.
- You're leaving, then? - Whoa! Moving on.
Time for celebration. Don't get upset.
It wasn't so much that. I'm worried if Tim gets your job. I've been here a lot longer.
So I'm leaving, you're not upset about that?
- I am upset. - Good. You should be.
- You're still thinking about my job. - Yeah.
- I can't believe it. - It's in my head.
Get it out, please. Of all the people, you're the one that I'm disappointed.
You taught me to strike while the iron's hot.
Did I teach you that? What else?
- Lots of stuff. - Lots of stuff. Specifically.
Um...
- You're thinking about the job. - I'd have to move stuff.
I don't want to hear it!
We've just found an invention from the mind of Gareth Keenan.
"How to get disabled people out in case of a fire."
He's drawn one of those chutes that workmen use to dump rubbish in a skip.
"Make sure there is a normal person waiting to stop them flying off the other end."
- "Normal"? - This is my favourite bit.
"Wheelchair to be picked up later by firemen, in case it's hot."
- He's thought it through. - Carefully and with great detail.
- All right? - Yeah.
I wanted to apologise for earlier. It was out of order. Insensitive.
- My friend's leaving. - Human nature. I'm big enough not to...
Not to... That's just two mates being sorry through physicality. It's not... you know...
- Do you have a say in who gets the job? - Get off me. I cannot believe it.
- I've got a lot on my mind. Women troubles. - Go home if you're ill.
- Not "women's troubles". Women trouble. - What?
I've got two birds on the go and it's getting me down.
- No one here? - No. Met them up Chaser's.
- One of them is a stunner... - What's your definition of stunner?
Looks like Nellie Furtado, but not as annoying.
The other one is a bit... Nice titties though.
- Gareth! Sexist. - Nice knockers?
Nice breasts! No, not yours.
- Better than hers. - It's not a competition!