[fast knocking]
Whoa! Whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Dude! - What?!
There's a lady coming here to talk to you.
I need you to go along with it.
I told her you're my dad
because you're my daddy.
Scott.
Daddy Scott.
- Nope! - I live here.
I make money. I'm a good, good boy. Got it?
Oh, so it's opposite...
Got it?!
When is she coming?
I have no idea.
[knocking]
That's her.
I'm supposed to answer like this?!
Hey, it's not my fault you're not ready.
Wha...?
Hi!
Calista Flockhart, probation officer
for the city of Los Angeles.
Are you Paul Jomas?
Uhh...
Yup! He's my Daddy Scott... my Daddy Paul... my daddy...
My dad.
Seems I may have caught you at an...
inopportune time.
Uh, yeah, actually. I would love to change.
Sorry. Gotta see the way you live. No changesies.
May I come in?
Uh, well...
- [CALISTA] Ah! - [sighs]
[CALISTA] Would you look at that?
It's taken us a while to track you down because
until recently we thought you were dead.
Yes!!
Faking death is my greatest magic trick.
You didn't know I did magic?
Here.
I'm thinking of a number between one and ten
and I'm sending it to you mentally. What is it?
Seven?
No. Twelve.
Dude, you suck at magic.
I've always been so proud of his talent.
So, Paul, tell me:
When did your son come to live with you?
Oh, umm...
A month ago.
Uh, two months ago.
Two years ago.
Three years ago?
A week ago! You tell her.
I came to live here that one day.
January 12?
Sure.
That worked?
Is he dependent on you?
Oh, you know. As much as a son might be
at this point in his life.
Sometimes he comes to me for...
advice or money or...
Cuddles.
No.
Yes.
- No! - Yes!
That night I saw a squirrel by the pool?
And squirrels make me really sad
because I had a pet squirrel when I was a kid
and we used to do everything together
and he would bring me leftover food to eat,
he would nibble on my toes,
but then I found out he was a possum
and the nibbling gave me the rabies
and then I went temporarily blind.
Okay.
Yeah, and then I saw that squirrel by the pool
and I wanted to cuddle him
but I couldn't because I didn't wanna get the rabies again
and so I snuck into your window and I cuddled you instead.
How do you not remember that?
I was unconscious?!
Not all of you was! If you know what I'm sayin'.
[whispered] Night boners.
I think we all knew.
So... he snuck through your window, but...
I thought he lived here.
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, he does. Um...
I just lock my bedroom door at night because I...
- like to be safe. - He's scared of zombies.
And also, zombies.
Okay, so...
I'm sorry.
That's my favorite wine.
Oh!
I wish I could have a glass right now.
Is it yours?
Yeah! I just have a little while I'm writing.
You want some?
You're offering a government official wine on the clock?
Whoopsies.
Total whoopsies.
You're employed as a writer. Is...
this what you're working on?
"Mamma Mia! 3: Here We Go Again... Again!"
What?
It's fan fiction.
So you're unemployed.
- Well... - Dude. She called you out.
Maybe we could just focus on Mack.
I'm a good, good boy.
I saw you actually both
have a very extensive criminal record.
We set a record?
Oh my god!
My dad will be so proud when he hears this!
- I just heard it. - What?
- I'm your dad. - Right.
You didn't set a record, jerknut.
You just committed a lot of crimes together.
I have to say...
I'm kind of intrigued by the idea of
a family of criminals.
My family would always play it safe.
Lots of rules. Really restricted.
I could never really...
Yawn!
What's your point?
Would you tell me about a heist
you two committed together?
Ohhh...
Like, ah, that one time you robbed the, uh...
Chuck E. Cheese.
Mack got arrested but you didn't.
Aw, dude, that was cray!
I want Paul to tell it.
Oh, God. Where to start?
What made you do it?
Umm...
You know, there was something in the air that night.
The stars were bright.
Fernando.
I was at Chuck E. Cheese...
Oh, yes! Uh... for a birthday party.
I mean, to make fun of kids who were having a birthday party.
Losers.
Then I was like,
- "You go for the money..." - Tickets.
- "... tickets. And I'll go for the money..."
- Pizza. - "... pizza." Tickets and pizza.
That's what we were robbing.
Hoo!! This is so exciting!
Look. I've got chillsies.
Oh!
But then Mack got distracted by the prizes
and he saw this G.I. Joe shirt...
Ah... Power Rangers shirt...
Hannah Montana shirt...
and so then he tried to use the tickets he just stole
to get it
because he's a jerknut like that.
But then the clerk was like,
"Dude. You just stole these tickets."
And Mack was like,
"It's still legal tender. Give me the shirt."
Yeah.
Yeah. So then I'm outside waiting for him
with, like, ten pizzas...
Twenty pizzas...
Two thousand pizzas.
And I'm like, "Well, these are getting cold.
Might as well dig in!" You know?
So I'm out there eating
and I don't notice him getting hauled away
by the Chuck E. Cheese police
which you think they would call "The Cheese", but they don't.
It's a... missed opportunity.
But their pizza's good.
Any regrets?
Uhh... you know?
If I had to do the same again,
I would, ...my friend.
Fernando. I don't...
Well, this is good enough for me.
Paul Jomas, you're under arrest.
What?!
Why? You're here for Mack!
Why would I be here for Mack?
He's been a good, good boy.
That's right, suckas!
You, on the other hand,
have broken your probation.
You're unemployed, drinking, confessing to a crime
we were never even sure you committed,
threatening to do it again,
and trying to seduce me by offering me alcohol
and wearing that sexy, sexy robe.
God, I'm good at my job!
But, no! No! I...
You think I look sexy?
So you're not my probation officer?
We've been trying to track your father for three years.
You were nice enough to take me straight to him.
Aww. Don't mention it.
But I'm not his dad!
Yes, you are, Daddy.
- Scott! - Daddy Scott!
No! I mean, yes! Exactly!
My name is Scott!
Mack just asked me to pretend to be his dad
and I went along with it because...
well...
I just don't have a lot goin' on right now.
Look, see!
[sighs]
You look much better in this picture.
Yeah. It's the haircut.
I need to go back to her.
Yeah, yeah. Do that.
So where's Paul Jomas?
I don't know. You should try Palm Springs.
You think he might be there?
No. But you could use a tan. [laughs]
Okay. Well.
I think you still committed some kind of crime
by pretending to be someone you're not
in front of me or... something,
so you're still under arrest.
Ahh.
But...
I might be able to let it go if you
let me take a peeksies under that robe.
You wouldn't rather feel his guns?
Oh! Oh, wow, look at those guns.
Well, how about this?
I feel his guns and I take a peeksies under the robe
all at the same time.
Just, uh... just come on.
You guys wanna... you guys wanna get out of this or...
You wanna make Mommy proud?
I'm sorry. That's just a little thing I do sometimes
with my boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend anymore. Doesn't matter.
Just give me your body parts.
Okay.
Oh my God!
I keep setting you up and you keep falling for it!
I don't wanna see that.
[sighs]
Have a good day, boys.
I'm...
takin'...
the wine.
[sighs]
[laughs]
Dude.
That Chuck E. Cheese story was ridiculous.
That would never happen.
- You like Lizzie McGuire. - I like Lizzie McGuire.
- Hannah Montana was for losers. - Hannah Montana was for losers.
Yeah.
Jerknut.