辛普森一家字幕组出品 滚滚翻译作品 后期 盖罗
给我看看你平时跳的那个舞 Show me that little dance you-all be doing.
-我跟你说了 不要在里面跑来跑去 -好的 妈妈 - I told y'all to stop running in here. - Yes, ma'am.
否则老娘就扇你们一巴掌 听到了吗 I'm gonna smack one of you now, you hear?
那裤子可是花了我3.98美元 听到了吗 Them pants cost $3.98, baby, you hear?
你有看到我买的巧克力蛋糕吗 See that chocolate cake I bought?
柜台上的那个巧克力蛋糕吗 The chocolate cake that was on the counter?
-对啊 -噢 看看赛斯尔的口袋有没有 - Yeah. - Well, check Cousin Cecil's pockets.
他口袋里可能还藏了一只鸡腿 还有一个甘薯派 He probably got it in there with the turkey leg and the sweet potato pie.
嘿 小伙子 给我看看你平时跳的那个舞 Hey, little brother. Show me that little dance you-all be doing.
下来吧 莱斯特 得了吧 Get down, Lester, you ain't talking!
你跳起舞来像21岁的小伙子一样 You move like you're 21.
这舞蹈没什么新奇的啊 就是屁股扭来扭去而已 That dance ain't new. It ain't nothing but the old shuffle-butt.
好啊 那你就跳看看啊 Well, show me that move.
莱斯特 你丫喝醉了就坐下来 Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down.
没看到小孩要表演吗 Can't you see the kids are trying to put a show on there?
莱斯特 她不是你妈妈 Lester, she ain't your mama.
-就是这样 -小伙子真棒 - Yeah. Yeah. - Junior!
瓦内萨 快来 瓦内萨 Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa.
快点 宝贝 唱首歌给奶奶听 Come on, baby. Sing a song for Grandma.
-那可是我孙女 -还是我外甥女呢 - That's my granddaughter. - That's my niece.
愚人何苦坠入爱河 Why do fools fall in love?
鸟儿的歌声为何如此华丽 Why do birds sing so gay?
恋人们等待破晓 And lovers await the break of day.
为何他们相爱 Why do they fall in love?
为何雨水从天空坠落 Why does the rain fall from up above?
愚人何苦坠入爱河 Why do fools fall in love?
为何他们相爱 Why do they fall in love?
妈妈 我有个笑话要讲 Mama, I got a joke.
艾迪要讲笑话 上吧 艾迪 Little Eddie got a joke to tell. Go on, Eddie.
艾迪 艾迪 Eddie. Eddie.
我跟大家说个笑话 I got a joke to tell.
很久很久以前 有一只狮子和一只猴子 Once there was a lion and a monkey.
猴子说 我能改变天气 The monkey said, "I can make the weather change."
狮子说 不 你不能 And the lion said, "No, you can't."
猴子就爬上树 So the monkey started climbing up the tree.
然后往狮子头上撒尿 And then he started peeing on the lion's head.
下雨咯 "Now it's raining!"
然后猴子又开始放屁 Then he started farting.
打雷啦 然后他又开始便便 "Now there's thunder!" Then he started doo-dooing.
下雪啦 "Now it's snowing!"
狮子说 噢 是嘛 那我可以让星星出来 So the lion said, "Oh, yeah? Well, I can make the stars come out."
然后他一脚踢到猴子的蛋蛋上 And then he kicked him in the ding-ding.
谢谢大家 Thank you.
便便这个梗太爆笑了 那小子太有才了 I love that doo-doo line. That boy's got talent.
我最喜欢的电影是 颠倒乾坤 My favorite movie is Trading Places.
-应该是 48小时 -颠倒乾坤 - 48 Hrs. Has to be. - Trading Places.
-比弗利山警探 -精神错乱 - Beverly Hills Cop. - Delirious.
-比弗利山警探 -不对 是48小时 - Beverly Hills Cop. - No, 48 Hrs.
-都好看 -48小时 - All of them. - 48 Hrs.
我喜欢 最佳防卫 I even liked Best Defense.
我希望看到他穿着那件皮衣 I'm looking forward to seeing him in that leather suit.
-我跟你说 那真是太棒了 -对 他看起来太性感了 - I'm telling you, that behind and all. - Yeah, he's looking sexy.
-长得好看 -太帅了 - He looks good. - Handsome.
谢谢 Thank you.
坐下 大伙坐下吧 放松 Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit. Cool out.
谢谢 谢谢 谢谢 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
你好啊 纽约 And hello, New York City!
谢谢大家来捧场 Thank you for coming out.
别让灯光和摄像机照到你们了 Don't let the lights and cameras throw y'all.
我们今天是要录电影 大家都会在里面的 We filming a movie here tonight and y'all gonna be in this shit.
唯一的不同就是 只有老子能拿工资 Except only I'm getting paid for the motherfucker.
有时我讲的笑话讲得太过了 Every now and then I take a joke too far.
这就是为什么我近三年都没在街上走路 That's why I haven't been on the road the last three years.
大伙都看《精神错乱》了吗 Did y'all see Delirious?
在那场表演里 我拿很多娱乐人士开玩笑 In Delirious, I was making fun out of a lot of entertainers too.
所以我很怕 我开了Mr.T的玩笑 That's when I got scared. I did some jokes about Mr. T.
Mr.T要搞死我 And Mr. T was gonna fuck Ed up. He was...
我很怕 大伙都看过Mr.T And I was scared, because y'all seen Mr. T.
他看起来就不像那种不会打架的人 He don't look like, you know, like he can't fight.
他看起来就像能把你打得屁滚尿流的 对吧 He looks like he can whip some ass, right?
我都吓坏了 我参加派对 有人跟我说 And I was petrified. I would walk at parties and people say:
哥们 Mr.T在找你 "Yo, man, Mr. T was just here looking for you."
Mr.T会跟大伙说 He was walking up to people saying:
老子见到艾迪墨菲 一定要打得他屁滚尿流 "I'm gonna whip Eddie Murphy's ass when I see him."
然后我看了他的节目 我之前不认识他 Then I watched his show, because I didn't know him,
我就想看看他是什么样的人 to see what kind of guy he was,
那家伙在节目上看起来脑子不太灵光的样子 and the character on the show ain't too bright.
我在想如果他过来要揍我 我就用绝地武士的意念 So I figured if he came up to me, I could use the Jedi mind trick on him.
他走过来说 我听说你说了一些关于我的笑话 Mr. T walk up and go, "I heard you did some jokes about me."
-不 你没听说 -可能我没听说吧 - "No, you didn't." - "Maybe I didn't."
哪个蠢货骗老子 看老子不打死他 "I'm gonna go beat up the fool that told me them lies."
我要是在派对上 听说Mr.T在找我 I'd be at parties, hear he was looking for me,
我就走人了 我可不想跟Mr.T干架 I would just leave. I don't wanna fight Mr. T.
如果我听说是迈克杰克逊找我 我就会... Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me. I was like...
我经纪人给我打电话说 When Mike... My manager called me up and said:
-哥们 迈克杰克逊都抓狂了 我说 -那又怎么了 - "Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad." I was like, - "So?"
你们懂的 因为我会搞死迈克尔 You know, because I'd fuck Mike up. You know, Mike...
迈克尔对老子来说还不算根葱呢 Mike don't weigh but a buck-oh-five, you know.
我爆他菊 有次我在找他 经纪人跟我说 I bust that ass on Mike. I was looking for him, but my manager said:
我们不了解迈克杰克逊的一切 "We don't know everything about Michael.
可能他私底下是个狠角色 "He might be this bad motherfucker behind closed doors.
他是个隐士 私底下可能两面三刀 "He's a recluse. Behind closed doors, he might be completely different."
如果在派对上 迈克尔过来找我说话 And I'd be at a party and have Michael walk up to me one day
应该会是这样的 and it'd be like this:
我能跟你谈谈吗 "Can I talk to you for a minute?
你他妈是有毛病吧 "Yeah, what's your motherfucking problem, man?
你丫怎么老跟老子作对啊 "Well, how come you keep fucking with me then, huh?
他妈的那些什么狗屁笑话 你不喜欢我的衣服是吧 "What's all the motherfucking jokes? You don't like my clothes?
老子他妈可是迈克尔杰克逊 老子爆你菊 "I'm Michael-motherfucking-Jackson, I will bust your ass.
滚你丫的 贱人 "Get the fuck out, motherfucker...
老子要在你屁股上太空漫步 干你妹 "I will moonwalk all up and down your ass, motherfucker.
你管好自己的事 "You mind your motherfucking business.
要是让我再听到你说老子什么坏话 老子就把手套塞你屁股里 "I hear some more shit, I'm gonna put this glove up your ass.
一会见 "I'll see you later."
这舞太蠢了... 我永远都不会... That's a dumb... I could never...
我学了五个月太空漫步 I've been trying for five months to do the moonwalk
就是学不会 什么狗屁舞蹈 and I can't do the shit. It's shitty.
这绝对是史上最傻逼的舞蹈 因为我不会跳 It's the dumbest dance ever, because I can't do it,
所以我说它很蠢 that's why I say it's stupid.
你怎么一边太空漫步一边邀请女生跳舞 But how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance?
在派对上 嘿 宝贝 来吧 一起跳个舞 一会见 Be at a party, say, "Hey, baby, come on, let's dance. See you later."
太空漫步 真他妈傻逼 不过迈克尔就跳得了 Do the moonwalk. That's some stupid shit. Michael can do that shit, though.
迈克尔名气太大了 Michael's so famous,
以致于不管他在电视上说什么 大家都相信他的话 Michael went on TV and everything he says, the public believes.
他在电视上说 Went on television and said:
我不做爱 因为我有宗教信仰 "I don't have sex because of my religious beliefs."
然后大家都相信他说的话 And the public believed it.
我哥们说 滚你丫的 I know brothers were like, "Get the fuck out of here."
白人说 因为迈克尔很特别 And white people go, "That Michael's a special kind of guy.
他太特别了 我是说 他善良 纯洁 健康 "He's special. I mean, he's good, clean and wholesome."
知道我是怎么知道你们都相信他说的话吗 You know how I knew y'all believed it?
因为他带波姬小丝参加格莱美的时候 你们都没抓狂 Y'all didn't get mad when he took Brooke Shields to the Grammys.
白人都没说什么 Nobody white said shit.
波姬小丝估计是全美国最白的白人了 And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America.
每年美国小姐冠军都是波姬 戴着个王冠 Miss America every year is Brooke. Fuck who you see with the crown.
你查看看字典 查“白人女人”这个词 You look up "white woman" in the dictionary,
里面就有张波姬的照片 像这样 be a picture of Brooke like this:
她太白了 She's white.
迈克尔这老黑带他去格莱美 大伙连屁都没放一个 And this nigger took her to the Grammys, nobody said shit.
如果我带波姬小丝去格莱美 If I took Brooke Shields to the Grammys,
你们估计就疯了 y'all would lose your mind.
因为你们知道波姬那晚肯定会被我干的 Because y'all know Brooke would get fucked that night.
波姬也知道 And Brooke knew too.
你说为什么今年是我们一起出席格莱美叻 That's why we going this year. No...
对了 我说了几个笑话 Stop. Now, see? I did jokes about...
几年前 我说了几个关于同性恋的笑话 I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals a couple years ago
同性恋都被惹毛了 and faggots were mad. They were like...
好像整个国家的同性恋都在找我麻烦 And they were... There's nothing like having a nation of fags looking for you.
我参加派对 派对上总会有那么两三个同性恋 I'd be at parties... There's always two or three at a party.
他们站着就这么盯着你看 就这么盯着... They'd be standing around looking at you, they'd be looking at...
他是个混蛋 "He's an asshole."
我都不能在这个国家自由旅行了 I can't travel the country freely no more.
我不能去旧金山了 I can't go to San Francisco.
24小时都有同性恋在机场等着我 盯着我 They got 24-hour homo watch waiting for me in the airport.
我一下飞机 他们就这样 Soon as I got off the plane, they'd be like:
他来了 没错 就是他 没错 就是他 "He's here, yes. Yes, it's him. Yes, it's him!"
然后车就从市里疾驰而过 就像这样 And the cars would come rushing across town. It'd be:
不过没有警报声 会有个同性恋坐在车顶上说 And it won't be no siren, it'll be a real fag sitting on the roof going:
停下来 停下来 "Pull over. Pull over.
停下来 我来宣读一下下他的权利 "Pull over. I'm gonna read him his rights.
你有权保持沉默 "You have the right to remain silent.
不过你所说的一切都将成为呈堂证供 "Anything you say can and will be held against you.
你有权请律师 转过去 我要搜你的身 "You have the right to an attorney. Turn around. I'm gonna frisk you.
你有夹藏什么武器吗 "You carrying any concealed weapons?
你是不是带了... 这是什么 这是什么 "Are you carrying...? What is this? What is this?
躺下去 把东西倒出来 "Lay down on the floor and spread them."
-你们有看比尔科思比的节目吗 - Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show?
我也看了 我很喜欢比尔科思比的节目 I do too. I love Bill Cosby's show.
一直都是个铁杆粉丝 I been a big fan of Bill Cosby all my life.
我以前从来没见过他 不过一年前他打电话给我 Never met the man before, but he called me up about a year ago
在电话里责骂我 说我在台上讲的东西太脏了 and chastised me on the phone for being too dirty on-stage.
感觉太奇怪了 因为我从没见过他 It was real weird, because I had never met him
他只是觉得他应该打电话给我 就因为他是比尔科思比 and he just thought it was... He should call me up, because he was Bill,
然后告诉我 什么才是喜剧 and tell me that he did... About what comedy is all about.
我就这么坐着 听这家伙责骂我 And I sat and listened to this man chastise me.
比尔科思比骂你的时候 你都忘记自己是成人了 And when Bill Cosby chastises you, you forget you grown.
你以为自己是他的孩子还是什么的 You feel like one of the Cosby kids and shit.
我能跟比尔讲话 兴奋地在屋里跑来跑去 And I ran in the house all excited to talk to Bill
接起电话 比尔冷冷地对我说 and picked up the telephone and Bill got raw on me.
我说 你好 科思比先生 然后你就听到他说 I was like, "Hello, Mr. Cosby?" And you hear:
我想跟你谈谈... "I would like to talk to you...
你在节目里做的一些事 "...about some of the things that you do in your show.
现在 我要跟你说个故事 他总是要跟你说个故事 "Now, I'm going to tell you a story." He always tells you stories.
我想跟你说个故事 我有五个孩子 "I would like to tell you a story. I have five children.
一 二 三 四 五 五 五个孩子 "One, two, three, four, five. Five... Five children.
我跟我妻子卡米尔住在马萨诸塞州 还有我的五个孩子 "I live in Massachusetts with my wife, Camille, and my five children.
我们的五个孩子 有四个女孩 一个男孩 "Now, of the five children that we have, there are four girls and a boy.
男孩的名字叫做恩尼斯 他喜欢你的表演 "The boy's name is Ennis. He loves everything you do.
有一天从学校回来 "Comes home from school the other day
脸上带着阳光的笑脸 还有 我儿子长得就像我一样 "with a big smile on his face. And my son looks just like me.
他走进门 带着他那阳光的笑脸 看着我 "He walks through the door, looking at me with this big smile,
我都受不了了 因为那小子笑得太好看了 "and I cannot resist, because it's such a beautiful smile.
他走过来 我说 你在笑什么呀 "And he walks up and I say, 'What are you smiling about? '
他说 "And the child says to me:
我笑因为我要拿钱去看艾迪墨菲的表演 'I'm smiling because I need money to go see the Eddie Murphy show.
给我钱买票吧 'Please give me money for a ticket.'
如果你的孩子笑得这么灿烂 因为他要钱买票的话 "Now, if the child is smiling this way because he needs money for a ticket,
我就得给他钱买票 "I have to give him money for a ticket.
在家里我不管钱 "I do not handle the money in the house.
我老婆卡米尔管钱 "My wife, Camille, handles the ticket money.
我得去厨房跟我老婆说 "So I must go into the kitchen,
她正给家人做饭 "to where my wife is cooking dinner for the family.
她在厨房里做饭 "And she is inside the kitchen cooking.
他拿了个碗 "And she's got a bowl.
她在做饭 伙计 她在做饭 "And she's cooking up the food, man. She's cooking it up.
我小孩带着他那阳光的笑脸走进房间 "And the child walks in the room with the smile
他说 妈 给我钱 "and he says, 'Mother, please, money.'
她给他钱 那小子就跑去看你的演出了 "She gives him the money, he runs off to see your show.
然后我们就坐在客厅等着恩尼斯回来 "Now, we sit in the living room waiting for Ennis to return.
早上五点 那小子走进门 "At about 5:00 in the morning, the child comes through the door.
他脸上的表情都不一样了 "He has a different look on his face.
那表情就像他在你节目上听了之前从没听过的东西 "A look like he heard something at your show that he's never heard before.
我跟我孩子说 我说 孩子啊 "And I say to my child, I say, 'Child... '
我说 台上那个人说什么啦 "I say, 'What did the man say on the stage? '
他说 老爸 那个人说了这些话 "And he says, 'Pop, the man comes out and says these things.'
我说 嗯 他说什么了 "I say, 'Well, what did he say? '
老爸 他出场说了一些话 'Pop, he comes out and says some stuff.'
我说 他说什么了 "I say, 'What did he do? '
老爸 他出场说 'Pop, he walks out and he goes:
你好 吮吸老子的鸡巴 混账 亲亲老子的黑鸡巴 "Hello, suck this, and MF and kiss my big black stuff.
好好吮吸 吞进去 吸 吸 "And suck it and stick it down in your mouth and suck it, suck it."'
你不能在观众面前说污秽的话 鬼话 污秽的话 鬼话 "You cannot say filth, flam, filth, flam, filth in front of people."
我说 我从来没说过 污秽的话 鬼话 这几个词啊 And I say, "I never said no 'filth, flarn, filth'."
你知道我在说什么 "You know what I'm talking about.
我就不能用你用的那种语言 "I can't use the type of language that you use,
但是你应该明白我说的 污秽的话和鬼话 是什么意思 "but you know what I mean when I say 'filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth'."
我说 我从来没说过 污秽的话和鬼话 这几个词啊 I say, "I never said 'filth, flarn, filth'.
我不知道你说什么 你冒犯到我了 干你妹 "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm offended you called. Fuck you."
这时比尔科斯比火了 他说 That's when Bill got pissed and said:
我说的是 你不能说 操 "That's what I'm talking about. You cannot say 'fuck'...
不能在大伙面前说 "...in front of people."
我也火了 And I got mad.
因为他觉得这就是我表演的全部了 Because he thought that was my whole act.
搞得好像上台就是爆爆粗口然后就走了 Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left.
我爆这些粗口 这些嬉笑怒骂后是有学问的 I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses.
你不能做一个只有粗口的演出 走上台说 You couldn't give no curse show. Walk out, say, "Hey, Felt Forum,
混账 鸡巴 阴道 贱货 狗屎 晚安 "motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night.
晚安 吮吸老子的鸡巴 拜拜 "Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye."
我火了 我真的被惹毛了 我就打电话给理查德普莱尔 I was pissed off. I was so mad I called Richard Pryor's house up.
我说 理查德 比尔科斯比打电话给我了 I said, "Yo, Richard, Bill Cosby just called me up
他说我说话太脏了 理查德说 "and told me I was too dirty." Richard said:
下一次那个傻逼再打给你 跟他说老子让他来给老子吸吸鸡巴 "The next time motherfucker call, tell him I said, 'Suck my dick.'
去他妈的 "I don't give a fuck.
不管什么玩意 能把大伙逗乐了 你就可以说 "Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit."
他还说 你说那些话的时候 大伙乐了吗 He said, "Do people laugh when you say what you say?"
我说 乐了啊 你赚钱了吗 我说 赚了啊 I said, "Yes." "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes."
他说 那好 告诉比尔 He said, "Well, tell Bill I said:
喝杯可乐 笑一笑 给老子闭嘴 'Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.'
这吸毒的贱人 "The Jell-O pudding-eating motherfucker."
理查德绝对是脱口秀史上最屌的 Richard... Richard is the rawest motherfucker in show business.
是他让我也想干这行 Richard's the one that made me wanna do comedy.
我小时候非常想成为理查德普莱尔 When I was little, I wanted to be Richard Pryor so bad I used to...
我常常溜进地下室 放他的碟 Remember, you'd sneak in the basement, put his albums on,
还不能让我妈听到 and your mother ain't supposed to hear,
就这么的听着那些段子 and you're listening to this shit and I turned it...
我非常想成为理查德普莱尔 15岁我就上台演出了 I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used to go out on-stage when I was 15
说学逗唱 就像理查德普莱尔一样 and talk and act and walk and do everything like Richard.
我妈就坐那儿 看着他15岁的孩子在台上 My mother would sit there and watch her 15-year-old son on-stage
说着那些稀奇古怪的玩意儿 saying some outlandish shit.
以前我有个段子是关于拉屎的 My whole act back then was about taking a shit,
我才15嘛 没事做净拉屎了 because that's all I had done at 15.
这就是我的生活经历 不过听起来像普莱尔的段子 That was my life experience, but it sounded like Pryor jokes.
我就这样 你们有没有试过 坐在马桶上 I'd be going, "You ever, sometime, right, you get on that toilet
拉了一坨屎 水溅到你屁股上了 "and when you shit, that water splash up on your ass?
很让人火大 对吧 你知道更让人火大的是什么吗 "Don't that make you mad, right? You know what really make me mad?
是那条屎拉到一半 "It's when shit come halfway out your ass,
又他妈给缩回去了 "then go back up in that motherfucker.
火大吧 屎怎么还跟屁股杠上了 对吧 "Right? Why do shit be teasing your ass, right?
赶紧拉出去 对吧 "Just get the fuck out, right?
你们知道什么会把我惹毛吗 "You know what really bother me
是拉半天 憋得面红耳赤 "is when you be straining for a long time, right?
一小粒屎掉了出来 "And one little pebble shit come out.
对吧 就这么点大 对吧 "Right? Be some shit this big, right?
你把头凑到菊花边说 "Push your head up your asshole, say:
妈的 就拉了这么一点点吗 'That's all the shit I'm gonna get, motherfucker? '
知道还有什么事让我火大吗 "You know what really make me mad,
是你的屁股不配合你 "when your ass don't cooperate with you
菊花一锁 屎断成了两条 "and clench up and break the shit in half.
你丫肯定火冒三丈吧 "You be mad as a motherfucker too,
因为你知道这次擦屁股 "because you know you got to wipe your ass
得擦个五六小时了 对吧 "for, like, five hours and shit, right?
得用十二卷纸擦屁股了 "Use 12 rolls of toilet paper on that motherfucker.
更火大的是拉完屎 对吧 "You know what really make me mad, though, is afterwards, right?
你拉半天终于拉完了 "You done all the shitting you gonna do for the whole day, right?
刚拉完 冲完马桶 等了一会 "You finish shitting and you flush the toilet and wait a second
又有一坨屎跃跃欲出 "and one chunk come back.
那坨屎是想怎样啊 "What does that chunk want?"
这就是我早期的表演 我妈看我表演的时候也被吓到了 That was my act. My mother sit there shocked.
如果你不会说英文 你就听不懂这个段子 If you don't speak English, you can't hear that bit.
你听到的就是 屎 屁股 屎 屎 All you hear is "shit, ass, shit, shit."
有一些外国朋友来美国看我的表演 I got a lot of foreigners that come over.
其他国家的人看了我的电影 来到美国 People from other countries have seen my films and come over to the U.S.,
纽约是个旅游城市 because New York is a tourist place,
那些人接了HBO 看了《精神错乱》 and they get HBO and they catch Delirious
他们不会说英文 还想模仿我的表演 and they can't speak English and try to do my act
他们就学会了爆粗口 and all they got is the curses.
很多外国朋友走过来 跟我说 I got foreigners from all over walking up, going:
艾迪墨菲啊 操你妹 "Eddie Murphy! Fuck you!
操你妹啊 艾迪 "Fuck you, Eddie.
我知道了 我在电视上看过你 "I know you. I see you on television.
你就是那个整天说“操你妹”的那个人 对吧 "You're the 'fuck you' man, right?
我太喜欢那个段子了 吮吸我的鸡巴 好不好啊 "I love it. Suck my dick, huh?
吮吸啊 你这个死黑鬼 "Suck it, you black motherfucker.
我太喜欢你的表演了 太屌了 整天说“操你妹” "I love it. The best motherfucker. The 'fuck you' man."
害我都不想出门了 我去年差点就结婚了 Made me stay in the house, man. Almost got married last year.
呜呜啊啊个毛啊 Don't you "ooh" and "aah".
本来是八几年就要结婚了 不过我读了一份报纸 Got to get married in the '80s. I read the papers.
读完我就想 去他妈的 老子不结了 I said, "Fuck this, I'm getting out."
你们懂的 阅读嘛 你就读懂了一些东西 Hey, you know, read. You can catch some shit.
你再也不能像以前那样拈花惹草 到处乱搞了 You can't just keep messing around like you used to.
你的鸡鸡早晚会萎掉的 Eventually, your dick will fall off.
还记得吗 六十年代的性病 Remember...? Remember, like, VD in the '60s?
那玩意不是没了 每次什么病症被治愈 That shit don't just sting no more. Every time they cure something,
就会有更强的疾病出现 性病现在出加强版了 it come back stronger. VD is new and improved now.
有哥们在医生办公室说 不好意思 医生 They got dudes in the doctor's office with symptoms like, "Excuse me, doc,
如果你上厕所的时候 "what does it mean when you go to the bathroom
你的鸡鸡都快喷火了 这是怎么回事 "and fire shoot out your dick?"
我没懂你的意思 你是排尿的时候 "Let me get this right. So you're getting a burning sensation
私处有灼热感吗 "when you urinate?"
不对 我的鸡鸡喷火了 就这样 "No, fire shoot out my dick, is all.
我尿尿的时候 火焰从我鸡鸡里喷发出来了 "A burst of flame fly out my dick when I pee.
我都不能在屋里尿尿了 不然会把屋子给烧了 我得出去尿 "I can't even pee in the house, I burn my house down. I gotta go outside.
我在外面尿尿的时候 有个家伙要抢劫我 "I was outside peeing, dude tried to mug me,
我一转身就把他烧死了 "I turned around and burned him up on the street.
因为我的鸡鸡就是喷火管啊 就是这样 "Because my dick is a blowtorch, is what I'm trying to say."
这事真得小心点 大伙都说现在正常做爱 Got to be careful. They say having casual sex nowadays
就像玩俄罗斯轮盘一样 is like playing Russian roulette.
我知道我常常在赌局上约炮 And I know I've thrown my dick on the crap table many a night.
每次赌博的时候都想找个正妹 Looking for Miss Right, you be gambling every time.
你丫还跟你鸡鸡打赌说 快点 得找个聪明的妞 You gambling with your dick, saying, "Come on, need a woman with a mind.
快点 我得找个极品尤物 马上给我 "Come on, now. I need somebody perfect for me. Give it to me, now!
操 这么胖又满嘴獠牙的贱货 不要 把我的鸡鸡还给我 "Oh, shit. Fat, buck toothed bitch. No, give me my dick back. No.
我要再转一次 我要再转一次 "I'm gonna keep rolling. I got one more roll in me.
这次要来个最极品的 冰雪聪明的 "I want the perfect woman, now. I want somebody with a mind,
聪明 美臀 身材正 马上给我 "intelligence, a nice ass and a body. Give it to me, now!
嚓 又瘦又有斗鸡眼 不要 把我的鸡鸡还给我 "Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch. No, give my dick back.
把我的鸡鸡还给我 都安静 听好了 "Give my dick back. Now, listen, be quiet.
我要再转一次 最后一次了 "I'm gonna keep rolling. This is my last roll.
最后一次 最后一次了 "This is the last one. This is the one for me.
正妹啊 快点来吧 "Miss Right. Blow on this for luck.
转最后一次了 快点 开转了 "This is my last roll. Come on. Here we go.
马上给我 嚓 我操 得疱疹了 我不玩了 "Give it to me, now! Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out.
我的鸡鸡玩了 被毁掉了 "My dick is fucked up. My dick is ruined."
所以得小心呐 结婚这事可不是闹着玩的 So be careful. Get married.
我有次出去玩 遇到了一个极品的女人 I went out and found the perfect woman.
19岁 貌若天仙 还是处女 都没被操过 Nineteen years old. Beautiful face. A virgin. Nobody ever fucked her.
她的屁股就像这样 And had an ass like this:
美腿这样 奶子这样 And her legs are like: Her titties are like:
她实在太极品了 绝对是极品中的极品 She was so fine. She's one of the people that's so fine,
看到她才会知道什么叫做相形见绌 when you see them, they make you ugly.
你心想 该死 这妹子谁啊 You be like, "Goddamn, who is that motherfucker?"
她太正了 我马上跟断绝跟其他女生的来往 She was fine. I went, I cut all my girls off.
我说 就是她了 我要结婚 没错 就是我和她了 I said, "That's it, I'm getting married. This is it. Gonna be me and her."
我非常开心 出去逛街的时候 I was so happy. And I went out and I went shopping.
在排队买东西 我在看《问询报》 And I was waiting on the line and I saw the Enquirer magazine
排队买东西嘛 while I was waiting on the line
我就看到首页是约翰尼卡森 and I saw Johnny Carson on the front page.
上面有一张他的照片 是这样的 There was a picture of him like this:
我就纳闷 约翰尼这是怎么了 继续往下翻 Then I said, "What's up with Johnny?" I turned to the inside story
他老婆的照片在另一页 像这样 and his wife was on the other page and she was like this:
上头写着 约翰尼的老婆向他索要一半财产 And over her head it said, "Johnny's wife wants half Johnny's money."
我又翻回约翰尼那页 I turned that shit back to Johnny.
然后我就沉思了 一半财产 Then I started thinking about it. Half.
如果你有五块钱 If you... If you have $5
你要给别人两块五 你都会不爽 and have to give somebody $2.50, you'd be upset.
约翰尼至少得有三百万美元吧 Johnny had to have at least 300 million.
那就得给对方一百五十万美元 And have to give up $150 million?
他们结婚都不到十年 And they wasn't even married but ten years.
给一百五十万美元 滚你丫... And $150 million? Get...
你他妈得了吧 什么玩意... 什么... Give me a fucking break. What...? What...?
女士们 台下有位女士说 没错 And ladies... Now, here's a woman right here saying, "Right on."
宝贝 这不公平 给也不能给一百五十万美元 Baby, that's not fair. Not no 150 million.
我看到很多女士说 I see a lot of you ladies going:
能拿多少拿多少 操 她把所有钱都拿了我才开心 "Get all the money you can, shit. I'm glad she did get all that money.
她应得的 她应得的 你丫没错 "She earned it. She earned it. That... You damn right.
她嫁给他了 那份钱是她应得的 "She was married to him, she deserved that money."
滚你丫的 少说屁话 Get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit.
闭嘴 No. Stop it.
别误解我的意思 No, don't get me wrong.
不管你嫁给谁 你们之间共同的财产 If you marry somebody and neither one of you have anything
你们要是一起赚了三百万美元 一半你应得 没问题 and you build 300 million together, you deserve half.
但是约翰尼在他们相遇之前就已经有三百万身价了 But Johnny was 300 million in when they met.
而且我很确定那女人知道这事 And I'm quite sure she knew.
约翰尼说 嘿 我是约翰尼 Johnny says, "Hey, I'm Johnny."
那女的说 我知道你是谁 傻逼 She was like, "I know who you are, motherfucker."
然后他们结婚了 又离婚了 没法一起过了 And they got married, broke up, shit didn't work out.
然后他得给那女的一百五十万美元 And then he had to give her $150 million of his money.
我知道台下很多家庭主妇在说 I know a lot of housewives sitting out there going:
我所做的一切 金钱是无法衡量的 "You can't put a price on what I do."
错了 女士们 如果你嫁给一个三百万身价的人 But, ladies, if you marry a man with $300 million,
你就不是正常的家庭主妇了 你都不用打扫房子 you ain't no regular housewife. You ain't got to clean the house no more.
你们有保姆 什么玩意都不用你来 You get a maid. You ain't cleaning shit!
你嫁给一个三百万身价的人 你也不用做饭 你们都下馆子 You marry a man with $300 million, you ain't cooking. You're eating out.
你嫁给... 你们知道很多家庭主妇还得出去工作 You marry... You know how a lot of housewives gotta get jobs on the side
帮家里减轻负担吗 to help make ends meet?
他有三百万美元 家里负担个毛 He got 300 million, the ends are meeting like a motherfucker.
你怎么做了 周末的时候在精品店找份小工 What you gonna do, get a job at a boutique on the weekends and shit?
回来的时候跟老公说 来 约翰尼 我赚了70美元 跟三百万美元放一起吧 And say, "Here, Johnny. I made $ 70, put that with the rest.
这样我们就有三百万美元和七十美元了 "Now we have $300 million and 70.
因为我想要我那一份 不对 "Because I want to do my share." No.
你嫁给一个身价三百万美元的人 你唯一要做的就是 All you have to do, you marry a man with $300 million,
操你的丈夫 is fuck your husband.
就是这样 这就是你的工作 That's it! That's your job.
操你的丈夫 没错 你要做的就是跟你丈夫做爱 Fuck your husband! That's it. That's... Just fuck your husband.
你填问卷调查的时候 人家问你 你干嘛的 You fill out a W-2, they say, "What you do?"
你说 我操我丈夫的 就是这样 You say, "I fuck my husband." That's it.
我分享了我的B And I've had my share of pussy.
即使是非常完美的B I have yet... Even if the pussy was great
屁股都能冒火花 and sparks shot out the woman's ass
大炮轰隆轰隆 山无棱天地合 and cannons blared and the mountains crumbled
江水为之咆哮不已 and the seas roared,
也没有哪个B值一百五十万美元 no pussy is worth $150 million!
绝对没有 No pussy.
我倒想见识见识这种B I'd like to meet some pussy like that.
就把它封存起来 Put the shit on layaway.
真是把我吓出屎了 一半财产 吓死老子了 That shit scared the shit out of me. Half? I was petrified.
大伙知道什么更恐怖吗 Man, you know what's real scary
是80年代的美国女性都很有生意头脑 is that American women in the '80s have become very business-conscious.
你们丫绝对是这个星球上最足智多谋 Y'all the most resourceful
最有生意头脑的女性了 就是现在 八十年代的女人 and the most business-smart women on the planet. Now, in the '80s.
如果你报复心理不是那么强的话 And it would be an asset to us, as American men,
你有头脑对我们来说是好事 if you weren't so vindictive.
因为两个人过不下去了 Because the two don't match.
最操蛋的是 你们丫还是最讲爱情的人 Then, what's really fucked up, is y'all the most loving people.
美国的女人总是喜欢浪漫的爱情 American women are all off into this romance
都不顾一切地坠入爱河 and they genuinely fall in love with you.
问题是 爱和金钱是没法融合的 这玩意就是行不通 Now, love and money do not mix. The shit don't mix.
特别是你娶了个很有生意头脑的女人 Especially if you got a business-smart woman...
你跟她说 我从来没有遇到过像你这样的人 You go up and say, "I never met anybody like you before."
我也从来没遇到过像你这样的 为什么我们不在一起呢 "I never met anyone like you." "Why don't we be together."
你愿意嫁给我吗 我以为你都不提这事了 "Will you marry me?" "I thought you'd never ask."
我们结婚前 为什么不把这份结婚协议书给签了呢 "Before we get married, why don't you sign this prenuptial agreement."
你什么意思 什么结婚协议书 "What do you mean, a prenuptial agreement?"
这份协议书规定 如果我们分手了 "That's a contract that stipulates if we ever break up,
你能拿到你应得的 我也能拿到我的 "you take what you had and I take what I had."
首先 我才不管你丫是谁 还是你有多少财产 "First of all, I don't give a fuck who you are and what you have, OK?
你他妈哪来的熊心豹子胆 敢叫老娘签这份协议书 "You got a lot of motherfucking nerve by asking me to sign a contract.
你能为我做的 我自己都能做到 "There's nothing a man can do for me that I can't do for myself.
你很有种嘛 说什么我爱你 "You got a whole lot of... I love you.
叫老娘签协议书就说明我爱你了吗 "Telling me to sign a contract to show that I love you?
如果我需要什么东西 我就找家里要 我家人会照看我 "If I need something, I can go to my family. My family takes care of me."
男人听到这些话都像这样 好的 And men hear all that shit and we be like this, "OK.
不用填协议了 "We don't need no contract."
你不填协议书就结婚了 And you don't get a contract and get married without one
最后两个人过不下去 要离婚了 and the shit don't work out and you break up a year later.
她坐在厨房 大发雷霆 She's sitting around in the kitchen by herself, mad,
想要找个跟你平摊财产的方法 trying to figure out a way to get even with your ass.
我真不敢相信他竟然这样对我 "I can't believe that motherfucker did this to me!
我为他为付出这么多 "After all the shit I did...
为这个傻逼付出那么多 他就这样对我 "All the things I did for that motherfucker, he do this to me?
他跟那只死狐狸精亲老娘的屁股 都难解老娘心头之恨 "Him and his fat bitch can kiss my ass!
我不管他们谁谁谁 "I don't give a shit about either one of them.
我要从他们身上找回我应得的 老娘不管 "I don't want shit from him or her and I don't care.
你知道吗 知道吗 也许我应该... "You know something? You know what I should...? You know...?
一半财产 "Half!
我要他的一半财产 "I'll take half his shit!"
然后她就拿到了 And they'll get it.
她会得到你的一半财产 你的房子 车子 赡养费 They'll get half your money, your house, your car, alimony,
子女抚养费 还有你的孩子 child support and your children.
到时你就会在《问询报》的封面 像这样 You will be on the cover of the Enquirer like this:
所以小心点 So be careful!
我都开始做恶梦了 I started having nightmares.
我半夜惊醒都会喊 一半财产 I was waking up in the middle of the night like this: "Half!"
因为我喜欢美国女人 Because I'm into American women. I like American women.
我朋友的女朋友是日本人 I got a friend got a Japanese girlfriend.
日本女人是这世界上最温顺的女人了 And Japanese women are the most docile women on the planet.
她们非常非常胆怯 害羞 They're real... They're real timid, timid, timid, timid women.
我去我朋友家 刚走进门 I walked in the house and his friend, Japanese girl,
那个日本女人就向我鞠躬了 bowed to me when I walked in.
我说 你老婆的背是不是有病啊 I said, "What's wrong with your wife's back and shit?"
他说 这是日本人的礼仪 她们会鞠躬 He said, "That's a Japanese thing. They bow."
我说 夫人 您会装饰房子吗 And I was like, "Miss, did you decorate the house?"
她看着她丈夫 她丈夫说 She looked at her husband, he did like this:
你可以说话了 然后她才说话 "You may speak." And she spoke.
我说 尼玛 这个B让你牢牢控制住了啊 And I was like, "Now, that's pussy control for you, there."
不过我更习惯美国女人说 You know, because I'm used to American women saying:
我又不是你的 "You don't own me."
嘿 宝贝 你要去哪儿啊 "Hey, baby, where you going?"
你说什么 我说 你要去哪儿 "Excuse me?" "I said, "where you going?"
我又不是你的 "You don't own me."
你是我女人 不是吗 我怎么没看到手指上有戒指 "You my woman, ain't you?" "I don't see no rings on these fingers."
你要给这只手指戴只戒指吗 "Are you gonna put a ring on this finger?
呃 我我我... 那我就不是你的 好吗 "Well, I..." "Then you don't own me then, OK?
我不管你丫是谁 或者你有多少财产 行吗 "I don't give a fuck who you are or what you have, OK?
你吃了熊心豹子胆啊 敢我问要去哪里 "You got a whole lot of nerve, come and ask me where I'm going.
我都不跟我爸说我去哪里 我跟谁都不说 "I don't answer to my father, I ain't gonna answer to no man.
没人能告诉我 我该去哪儿 "Ain't no man gonna tell me where I can go.
你以为你是谁 "Who do you think you are?
敢问我要去哪儿 我又不是谁的 "To come and ask me where I'm going? Nobody owns me.
我是自己的 我只属于我自己 "I own myself. I am my own person."
我们听到这些话 又得说 好的 And we hear all that shit, then be, "OK."
-呃 那你是要去哪儿啊 -我想去哪儿就去哪儿 -"Well, where you gonna be?" -"I'm gonna be where I'm at!
-我又不是你的 没错 -"You don't own me!" Well, you don't.
你女人不是你的 你要给这只手指戴只戒指吗 You don't own your woman. "You gonna put a ring on my finger?"
这句话能让你马上闭嘴 只能说 好的 That shuts you right up. You say, "OK."
我也知道你花了很多钱在你女人身上 I know you spend a lot of your money on your woman.
你带她看电影 吃冰淇淋 And I know you go to the movies and you go to get the ice cream
买糖果 买花 买袜子 买手镯 and the candy and the flowers and the anklets and the bracelets
还帮她挑衣服 买衣服 and help her get some clothes.
你花了一大堆钱买那些你自己绝对不会买的东西 You spending all your money on shit you ain't never spent it on.
但是她还不是你的 But you don't own her.
因为从理论上说 这个B还处于租赁期 Because theoretically, that pussy's on lease.
你只是租了这个B 是否购买又另一回事 You're leasing the pussy. With an option to buy.
所以得小心点 在这事上你可能失去一半财产 But be careful, because you lose half on the trade-in.
小心为上 这年代你得有份工作 You got to be careful. You gotta have a J-O-B in the '80s.
你得有票子才有马子 You gotta have some money, you can't get no pussy.
听听广播 说的就是这事 Listen to the radio. That's what it's about.
听听麦当娜的歌 我是一个拜金女 在这个拜金的世界 Listen to Madonna. "I'm a material girl in a material world,
你没有票子 你就没有马子 "you ain't got no money, you can't have no pussy."
还有一首歌叫做 There's a song out now called
想跟我在一起就得有份工作 "Got to Have a J-O-B If You Wanna Be With Me."
歌词是这样唱的 付不了房租 什么都不怎样 And the lyrics go, "Ain't nothing going on but the rent."
如果你跟她说 Like if you went up and said:
-嘿 宝贝 怎么样啊 -怎样个毛 付房租啊 傻逼 -"Hey, baby, what's going on?" -"The rent, motherfucker."
-你有工作吗 -我我我... -那你赶紧滚 "You have a job?" "Well, I..." "Then get the fuck out my face."
你得有钱 还有句歌词说 没有面包就没有爱情 Got to have some money. It says, "No romance without finance."
女人都喜欢这种歌 还学着唱 And women love them songs. They be going:
想跟我在一起就得有份工作 Got to have a J-O-B If you wanna be with me
珍妮杰克逊有首歌非常火 叫做 Janet Jackson got a hit record:
《你最近为我做了什么》 "What Have You Done For Me Lately".
因为她心里真就这么想的 你最近为我做了什么 That's what they thinking. "What have you done for me lately?"
歌的开头是这么唱的 The record start off like that.
我知道他过去总为你付出 但是他最近为你做了什么 "I know he used to do shit for you, but what has he done for you lately?"
-宝贝 我爱你 -你最近为我做了什么 -"Baby, I love you." -"What have you done for me lately?"
-我脑海里想的只有你 -你最近为我做了什么 -"You the only thing on my mind." -"What have you done for me lately?"
-我们做爱做得很爽啊 -你最近为我做了什么 -"We make good love." -"What have you done for me lately?"
如今想玩女人就得有点票子 Got to have some money to get some pussy in the '80s.
真的很操蛋 所以我才说 老子有钱就成了靶子 It's fucked up, that's why I say, hey, I'm a target.
如果我要结婚 我得去非洲的森林里 If I ever get married, I have to go off to the woods of Africa
找个全身赤裸 浑身画满斑纹的 疯疯癫癫的女人 and find me some crazy, naked, zebra bitch...
她对钱没有一点概念 还得光着屁股 坐在斑马上 ...that knows nothing about money. She got to be butt naked on a zebra
鼻孔穿了一根巨大的骨头 嘴唇像盘子那么大 with a big bone in her nose and a big plate lip
还得有一头又大又蛋疼的爆炸头 and a big, fucked-up Afro!
她的爆炸头得让安吉拉戴维斯看了都说 Her Afro... Afro gotta... Like, Angela Davis see it and go:
哎呀我操 这爆炸头炸得真他妈蛋疼 "Goddamn, that's some fucked-up shit."
得有个蛋疼的爆炸头 Afro gotta be fucked up
后面还绑着拳头大的发簪 and one of them picks with a fist in the back.
还得光着屁股 如果她穿衣服 And she gotta be butt naked, because if she got clothes,
她就会想着放点东西在口袋里 she gonna have to put something in the pockets.
她得全身赤裸骑在斑马上 你们都觉得只是个笑话 She's gotta be butt naked on the zebra. And y'all think it's a joke.
我上前跟她说 嘿 你好啊 我叫做... I'm gonna walk up and say, "Hey, how you doing? My name's..."
她说 And she go:
我就会说 就是你啦 墨菲女士 然后我就把她带回家了 I say, "Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy." And I'm gonna bring her home.
有天你们经过报摊的时候 看到我在JET的封面 Y'all gonna go past a newsstand one day and see me on the cover of JET
旁边是一个鼻孔穿了一根大骨头 嘴唇像盘子一样大 还有一头蛋疼爆炸头的女人 with some woman with a big bone and a plate and a big, fucked-up Afro,
还光着屁股 你们肯定会说 艾迪墨菲拜访非洲去了 butt naked, and y'all gonna say, "Eddie must be visiting Africa."
不过标题会写着 艾迪墨菲娶了丛林贱货 我就会像这样 It'll say, "Murphy Marries Bush Bitch." I'm gonna be like:
怎样 What?
我真不想被婚姻困住 Because I ain't getting caught.
我绝对不会被困住的 去他妈的 I refuse to get caught out there. Fuck that.
我要带她回家 把她锁起来 And I'm gonna bring her home and lock her up in the house.
如果你去非洲 带了个丛林女人回家 You go off to Africa and get you a bush woman,
你绝对不能让她跟美国女人混在一起 you can't let her mingle with American women.
她们会改变她的想法 Because they'll change her shit up.
美国女的聚一起 最想看的就是 American women stick together. Last thing they wanna see
你带了一个受过训练的丛林女人回家 is you got some trained bush bitch in your house.
她们发现她一个人在厨房 They will catch her by herself in the kitchen
就会说些屁话 破坏你整个计划 and throw a monkey wrench in your whole program.
她们发现她只身一人 就会跟她说 我真的没法忍受 They get her alone, they be like, "I can't stand the way you be
他让你做什么 你就做什么 你是一个人 "doing everything he tell you to do. You a human being.
这房子太大了 一个人哪里打扫得过来 你为什么不走啊 "This house is too big for one person to clean. Why don't you leave?
你一直哭 离开他就好了 你知道吗 "You always crying. Just leave him. You know something?
你可以拿走他一半的财产 你知道吗 "Do you know you could take half his money? Did you know that?
他没跟你说 你有资格拿到一半财产吗 "He didn't tell you you were entitled to half?
他没跟你说清楚 "He only told you half the story.
你可以拿走一半财产 还有车 房子 小孩 "You can take half the money, the car, the house, the children.
你可以把所有的斑马 所有的骨头 都买下来 "You can buy all the zebras and bones you want.
风风光光地回去 妹子 去把头发弄一下 "Go back home in style, girl. And get your hair done right.
把爆炸头剪了 风风光光地回去 他以为他是谁啊 "Cut that Afro off, go back home in style. Who the hell he think he is?
我跟你说说艾迪墨菲是怎样的人吧 "Let me tell you about Eddie Murphy.
那傻逼就是个... 喔 嗨 艾迪 你好呀 "That motherfucker ain't nothing but... Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing?
喔 我都没看到你在这里 你都吓到我了 "Oh, I didn't know you was here. You scared me.
不行 我得走了 我刚刚在跟呜夫夫在说事呢 "No, I can't stay. I was just talking to Uhmfufu about a couple of things.
不行不行 我得走了 我得走了 你们小两口聊吧 "No, no, no, I got to go. I got to... You two... Y'all two lovebirds talk.
艾迪 跟你的呜夫夫聊聊吧 "Eddie, talk to your... Talk to Uhmfufu.
你们肯定有很多话要说吧 去吧 艾迪 跟她说 呜夫夫... "Y'all got a lot to talk about. Go on, Eddie. Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu..."
然后就把我丢在厨房 跟一个怒气冲冲的丛林女人在一起 And leave me in the kitchen with some bush bitch with an attitude.
艾迪 "Eddie!
我要跟你谈谈 "I want to talk to you!"
怎么了 宝贝 "What's your problem, baby?"
我不喜欢你这样对我 艾迪 "I don't like the way you treat me, Eddie.
你把我当动物一样对待 "You treat me like animal."
你丫上个月还光着屁股骑在斑马上呢 "You was butt naked on a zebra last month."
我不管 艾迪 我现在是美国女人了 "I don't care, Eddie. I am American woman now.
我要得到应得的 "I want what's coming to me.
艾迪 你最近为我做了什么 "Eddie, what have you done for me lately?"
我想要你开心啊 好吧 你想要什么 "I want you to be happy. Well, what you want?"
一半财产 "Half!
给我一半财产 艾迪 给我一半财产 整天说“操你妹”的人 "Give me half, Eddie. Give me half, Mr. Fuck-you Man.
吮吸我的鸡巴 艾迪 "Suck my dick, Eddie.
你这个贱人 "You motherfucker."
然后我就会出现在非洲的《问询报》 像这样 Then I'd be on the front page of the African Enquirer like this:
所以都小心点 别被这个陷阱困住了 So be careful. Don't get caught in a trap.
每个女人都可以从任何一个男人身上得到她想要的 Any woman can get any man she wants
如果她用点心机 再给你操逼的话 她们就能控制你 if she puts her mind and pussy to it. They can have you.
女人已经把我们摸得一清二楚了 我们就是这么简单的生物 They have figured us out. We're very easy creatures to figure out.
女人都知道她们要做的就是抓住我们的本性 And women know all they have to do is cater to our egos enough
然后她们就控制住你了 伙计们 有多少次 and they can have you. Guys, how many times have you fucked
你操了一个巨丑无比的贱货 就因为她整天在你身边转来转去 some ugly bitch that just kept hanging around and you had to fuck her?
事后你还在想 真不敢相信我竟然操了这贱货 And then afterwards you be like this, "I can't believe I fucked this bitch."
她们只是抓住了你们的本性 They just cater to your ego.
有时候你会看到一个很丑的女人 Sometimes you'll see a real ugly bitch
身边是一个帅小伙 你会说 这是怎么回事 with a handsome dude. You say, "How that happen?"
那个小伙也会说 对啊 这是怎么回事 Dude's going, "Yeah, how that happen?"
就因为她抓住你的本性 她们把我们摸透了 Because she catered to his ego. They can figure us out.
伙计们 被陷入陷阱了 我们不妨称之为“阴道陷阱” Guys, don't get trapped. We'll call them "pussy traps".
我们就叫它“阴道陷阱”吧 Let's call them "pussy traps".
这是个陷阱 她们用阴道让你深陷其中（=。=我快翻不下去了...） It's a trap. They trap you with the pussy.
她们用阴道让你深陷其中 这就是个陷阱 They catch you with the pussy, see. And it's a trap.
最普遍的陷阱就是什么都不给你 The most common trap is to not give you any, though.
别以为 可能你正在设陷阱 Don't think, "Maybe you're gonna put a trap on."
最普遍的是你什么都得不到 这就是个陷阱 The most common is when you ain't getting any at all, that's the trap.
你遇到一个女人 一切都非常完美 When you meet a woman and everything is perfect
她什么都不做 这就是陷阱 and she won't do anything, it's a trap.
有时候只是出其不意 攻其不备而已 很多女人都用性爱来控制这个游戏 Sometimes it backfires, because a lot of women play these games with sex.
女人喜欢性爱的程度就像我们一样深 不过她们假装不喜欢 And ladies like sex just as much as we do, guys, but they act like they don't.
其实她们很喜欢 没有哪个女的 But they do. There's not a woman...
在座的没有哪个女的 There's not a woman in this room
不想要去别的地方 找个人美美地做爱 that wouldn't rather be somewhere else with a nice stiff one in them.
别让她们耍了你 Don't you let them fool you.
她们跟我们一样喜欢性爱 你看 台下就有位女士在说 They like it just as much as us. See, ladies sitting there going:
这话说得不错喔 "That's true.
他很有趣嘛 不过不是那种有趣噢 "He's funny, but he's not that funny.
我随时都可以用一个微笑骗别人上床 没错 就是这样 "I'll take a dick over a smile any day. Yes, I will."
她们就跟我们一样喜欢性爱 不过她们要玩弄这场游戏 They like it just as much as us, but they play these games.
女士们 你们知道什么时候会适得其反吗 Know where it backfires on you, ladies?
你遇到你一个小伙 他喜欢你 你也喜欢他 When you go meet a guy, he wants you, you want him,
两情相悦 非常完美 you like each other, everything is perfect,
但是你没什么表现 他说 我们上床吧 but you won't do anything. He say, "Let's go."
你说 不要 我不做 过后 You say, "No, I'm not gonna do it." And after that,
他就不喜欢你了 不过他还是想操你 he don't like you no more. But he still wants to fuck you.
然后他就等 他就像这样 好呀 那我就等 So he waits. He be like, "Okay, I'll wait.
晚安 然后就开始等 "Goodnight." And you wait.
等了三个月 You wait three months.
最后两个人做爱了 她说 我是你的人了 Then you finally get it and she's like this, "I'm yours."
你会说 操你妈 贱货 And you go, "Fuck you, bitch!"
操你妈 操你的逼 滚你丫的 "Fuck you and your pussy. Get the fuck out of my face."
小心点 别被困住了 Be careful. Don't get trapped.
最常见的陷阱就是什么都不给你 The most common trap is to not give you any.
在座的男士 如果还没跟你女人做过爱 Let me hear the men clap that are with women
鼓鼓掌 让我听到你的掌声 说真的 that you've never slept with before. Let me hear you clap, truthfully.
瞧瞧这群女的在说 别鼓掌了 Look at the ladies going, "Stop clapping."
真丢脸 你本来就该操她们的 鼓掌 大声点 Shame on you. You should've fucked them. Clap. Clap louder.
真丢脸 你丫本来就该操她们的 Shame on you. Y'all should've fucked them.
爷们儿喜欢你 你们就是不从了他们 These men like you and you just won't do it,
因为你们想玩弄感情 大伙 别太受伤了 妹子还是喜欢你的 because you're trying to trap... Guys, don't be hurt. She likes you.
每晚你家里净是这些事 This is what is going on inside your house every night.
-宝贝 来嘛 求你了 她说 -不要 别这样 不要 -"Baby, come on, now, please." She go, "No, stop it. Stop it. Stop."
-宝贝 来嘛 -你能停下吗 不要 别这样好吗 -"Baby, come on. -"Would you stop?" "Oh, stop. Can we please stop?
你不觉得我们进展太快了吗 "Are we gonna go too far?"
可是我想进展快点啊 快点来嘛 宝贝 "I want it to go too far. Come on now, baby."
我们可以... 不要 我觉得现在时机不对 "We could... Stop. I just don't think the time is right."
呃 可是我的鸡鸡已经硬得不能再硬了啊 "Well, my dick don't get much harder than this.
我已经等三个月了 还有什么问题吗 "I been waiting three months. What's the problem?"
我不想操逼 我想做爱 "I don't wanna fuck. I wanna make love."
我之前谈的几场恋爱都没有结果 你对我很特别 "I've had too many relationships that didn't work out. You're special to me."
我知道其他女人会为你做任何事 "I know all the girls do everything that you want."
我不想这样... 为什么你要这样做... "And I don't wanna go through... Why are you doing this...?"
男人看到女人流眼泪就只能说 好吧 And men see those tears and we be, "OK.
我们什么都不用做了 "We don't have to do nothing."
然后你朋友跟你说 哥们 你上了她吗 Then you go out and your friends be, "Yo, man, you fuck her yet?"
没有 "No."
-为什么没有 -她很特别 -"Why not?" -"She's special."
她说她不想操逼 她想做爱 "She said she don't wanna fuck, she wanna make love."
都他妈扯淡 操逼跟做爱 咱坦白了说吧 Which is bullshit. I mean, fucking and making love, let's be real.
不都是肢体的亲密行为嘛... 我喜欢操我爱的人 I mean, the physical act... I like to fuck somebody I'm in love with.
但是我绝对不会跟任何人做爱 我一上床 But I ain't making love to nobody. I get into bed...
我滚床单 I get into bed...
你滚床单的时候 是想听对方说 When you get into bed, would you rather have somebody say:
噢 跟我做爱吧 "Oh, make love to me"
还是抓着你的头 恶狠狠地说 操死我吧 or grab the back of your head and say, "Fuck the shit out of me."
你这混账 "You motherfucker."
往死里操 混账... 操我吧 该死的 "Just fuck, mother... Fuck me, goddamn it."
还是想听 You want somebody in the bed with you:
“噢 亲爱的 我想和你做爱” 这种屁话 "Oh, darling, I want to make love to you." That type of shit.
你这贱货 "You a motherfucker..."
我这人很现实的 但是女人就会说 我不想操逼 我想做爱 I'm a realist. But they'll tell you, "I don't wanna fuck, I wanna make love."
她们就让你等着 你就这么等啊 等啊 等啊 And they make you wait. And you wait and wait and wait and wait.
你就这么一直等着 等到她终于给了你一点甜头 And you just keep on waiting, you just wait and finally she gives you some.
你这辈子绝对没有这么爽过 And it's the best you ever had in your life.
从来没有这样高潮过 You come harder than you've ever came.
就是这样 这就是我一直在寻找的感觉 我终于做爱了 "This was it. This was the feeling I've been searching for. I finally made love."
你不是做爱了 就是觉得爽而已 你知道为什么吗 You didn't make love. It just felt real good. You know why?
因为你等了五个月才等到的 Because you waited five months for it.
如果你很饿 有人扔饼干给你 If you're starving and somebody throw you a cracker,
你都会说 you gonna be like this:
该死 这辈子都没吃过这么好吃的饼干啊 "Goddamn, that's the best cracker I ever ate in my life!"
这不是普通的饼干 对吧 啥玩意 这是咸饼干吗 "That ain't no regular cracker, was it? What was that, a Saltine?"
我去 真是太好吃了 "Goddamn, that was delicious."
不是咸饼干 是...是里兹饼吧 是不是里兹饼 "That wasn't no Saltine. That was... That was a Ritz. That wasn't a Ritz?"
天呐 这辈子都没吃过这么好吃的饼干了 "God, that was the best cracker I ever ate in my life."
能再给我一个吗 能再给一个吗 "Can I have another one, please? Please, one more."
然后你结婚了 还以为你这次赚到了 Then you get married, because you think you've found the bomb.
结果一整年吃的都是一样的饼干 Have the same crackers every day for a year.
有天滚床单的时候 你在想 And you roll over one day and be like:
这好像还是又老又普通的饼干啊 "Hey, I just got some regular old crackers."
想离婚吗 一半财产！ Try to leave? Half!
所以小心点 结婚可不是闹着玩的 So be careful. Marry someone that's not gonna fool around on you.
特别是在这个年代 就更难了 Which would be hard to do in the '80s,
因为大家都随随便便找人做爱 because everybody's fucking each other nowadays.
这好像是87做爱盛会一样 It's like Fuckfest '87.
大伙都操来操去的 说真的... 越来越糟糕了 Everybody... Everybody is fucking and it really... It's getting bad.
在座的女士如果对你男人忠诚的话 说真的 Let me hear the women clap that are loyal to their men, truthfully.
你们就鼓鼓掌 Let me hear you clap.
好 现在来听一下 有谁的男人 OK, now, let me hear... Let me hear the women clap that have men
对自己忠诚 也鼓鼓掌 that are loyal to them, truthfully.
好 我知道了 你们丫认清现实吧 还鼓掌 Yeah, I see. Y'all some disillusioned ladies clapping right now.
让我听听男士的掌声 Let me hear the men clap.
如果你对你女人忠诚 你们也鼓鼓掌 Let me hear the men clap that are loyal to their women.
别鼓掌了 你们谎话连篇的混蛋 别鼓了 Stop. You lying motherfuckers, stop.
停 停 停下来 亲老子的屁股啦 Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass.
操 根本就不可能有忠诚的男人 你们就会撒谎的混蛋 Fuck, there ain't no such thing as a loyal man, you lying motherfuckers.
别鼓掌了 没错 你们鼓掌的唯一理由是 Stop it. Yeah, the only reason you're clapping is because your woman's
我问问题的时候 你们的老娘儿们就坐你旁边 sitting next to you right now when I asked you.
我问问题时 她就这样看着你 When I asked the question, she looked at you like this:
你丫是不打算鼓掌是吗 "You gonna put your hands together?
你最好给老娘站起来 别给老娘丢脸了 去你妹的 "You better stomp your feet and light a match for this pussy, goddamn it.
站起来鼓掌 你丫站起来鼓掌 "Stand up and clap. Stand your ass up and clap."
她是最好的 "She's number one!"
滚你丫啦 世上根本没有忠诚的男人 Get the fuck out. No such thing as a loyal man.
女士们 别被耍了 我知道有些男的能说会道 Ladies, do not be fooled. I know some men have some strong raps
花言巧语就让你相信了 不过真的没有忠诚的男人 and they'll have you believing it. No loyal men.
所有的男人都喜欢操女人 All men fuck other women.
我们生性就是这么下流 We are low by nature and have to do it.
男人就是这样 天性如此 We are men. All men do it.
我们必须这么做 我们是男人 男人就得这么做 We have to do it. We are men. It is a man thing.
男人就是四处寻找 四处做爱 能操多少是多少 Men must find and conquer as much pussy as they can get.
别想了 你男人绝不止跟你一个人做过爱 Do not think for two seconds that you are the only one your man is fucking.
他是男人 他就得征服女人 He is a man and has to conquer women.
我看到台下很多贤淑的女士在说 I see a lot of you good women sitting out there going:
-我男人就不会 会啦 你男人也一样 -"Not my man." Yes, your man too.
你男人也一样 Your man too.
如果他今晚没跟你一起来 他就在跟别人做爱 If he's not here with you tonight, he fucking somebody.
因为他是个男人 跟你没什么关系 Because he is a man. It has nothing to do with you.
你的B可能是世界上最好的 You can have the best pussy in the world.
B上还挂着披风 有一个大的S形（跟超人一样） There can be a cape hanging out your pussy with a big S on it.
你男人还是可能去操别人 就因为他是男人 Your man's still gonna go fuck somebody else, because he is a man.
这是关乎生殖本能的事 别想着要弄懂它 It is a dick thing. Do not try to understand it.
你要懂你就得有根鸡巴 我们是男人 You have to have a dick to understand this. We are men.
我知道台下很多哥们看着我 心里在想 I know a lot of guys sitting out there right now like this too:
艾迪 闭上你的臭嘴 "Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man!
干你妹啊 老子花钱就是来听你说这些屁话的吗 "I ain't spent all my money for this, motherfucker!"
今晚开车回去的时候还在车上跟你老婆聊天 You gonna be driving home tonight with your wife in the car like this:
你不会真像艾迪墨菲说的那样在外面乱搞吧 "You don't really be fooling around like Eddie Murphy say you do, do you?"
不会啦 宝贝 他说的是笑话嘛 "No, baby. That's just jokes."
艾迪墨菲很有趣 对吧 "That Ed sure is funny, ain't he?"
我们换个话题吧 说点别的东西吧 "Why don't we change the subject. Let's talk about something different."
-我不想谈这事 -我就想谈这事 -"I don't wanna talk about this stuff." -"I do wanna talk about this stuff."
他没理由说谎啊 我觉得他说的是真的 "Why does he have to lie to me? I think he was telling the truth."
如果你在外面乱搞的话 我会很伤心 也很丢脸 "If you fooled around, I would be so hurt and disgusted, I would wait
我会等你睡着 就到屋里杀了你 until you went to sleep, I would come inside the room and kill you."
-谢谢你 艾迪 -我们爱你 - Thanks, Eddie! - We love you!
对啊 艾迪很有趣 "Yeah, that Ed sure is funny."
我不用担心这事 我很爱你 "I ain't got to worry. As much as I love you,
我不会乱搞的 我们谈谈理查德普莱尔吧 "I wouldn't fool around. Let's talk about the Richard Pryor."
我不想谈理查德普莱尔 "I don't wanna talk about the Richard Pryor.
我想谈谈这事 因为如果你真在外面乱搞的话 "I wanna talk about this, because if you fooled around,
我很受伤 你知道我会怎么做吗 "I would be so hurt, you know what I would do?"
你要怎么做啊 拿我一半财产吗 "What would you do, baby, take half?"
不是 我要等你睡着 "No, I'd wait till you went to sleep
我就到屋里 把你的鸡鸡给切下来 "and I'd come inside the room and cut your dick off."
别说什么要把我鸡鸡切下来 "Don't be talking about cutting off my dick."
好啊 那你就不要在外面乱搞啊 "Well, you don't be putting your dick in nobody else, then."
呃 我没有乱搞啊 不过你要把我鸡鸡切了 你最好跑快点 干你妹 "Well, I don't play that shit. You cut off my dick, you better run, goddamn it.
别拿鸡鸡开什么玩笑 "Stop making them dick threats."
女人最喜欢这茬了对吧... 你们总是... The woman's favorite... Y'all always make...
女人最喜欢威胁说 我要在你鸡鸡上动点手脚 The woman's favorite threat is, "I'll do something to your dick."
如果一个男人这么做 我会一脚踢爆他的蛋蛋 如果一个男的动手动脚... "If a man do this, I kick him in his nuts. A man put his hands...
别动手动脚 不然我就朝你要害处来一脚 "Don't you put your hands on me, I'm gonna kick you where it hurts."
拿鸡鸡威胁我们 你们丫是不知道蛋蛋有多敏感 对吧 Dick threats. Y'all don't realize how sensitive nuts are, do you?
男人不喜欢听到这种威胁 你听到谁说 Men don't like to hear a threat like that. You hear somebody:
我一脚踢爆你的蛋蛋 你都会抽一下 "I'll kick you in the nuts." It make you wince, be like:
换个话题吧 "Change the subject, please."
你不用踢爆谁的蛋蛋来伤害他 You don't have to kick no nuts to hurt nobody.
你只需轻擦他的蛋蛋 You could just graze nuts.
他就蛋疼死了 And the man would be fucked up.
这种疼痛更疼 因为这种不到十秒内就疼 And that pain is worse, because it don't set in for, like, ten seconds.
你可能还在想这样会不会疼 You be wondering if it's gonna hurt.
你说 我在想 轻擦会蛋疼吗 只是轻擦... You say, "I wonder, did that hit my nuts, just...?"
这可不是开玩笑的 我要踢爆你的蛋蛋 There's no getting around it. "I'll kick you in your nuts."
你不用踢 只要轻轻一擦 You don't have to kick. You could just graze it.
你们最喜欢这么做了... 有没有跟女人瞎闹着玩过 Y'all do that... You ever have a woman play-fight with you?
你要是拿鸡鸡威胁你男人 他可能就翻脸了 Your man get serious when they threaten your dick.
男人说 嘿 宝贝 来啊来啊 她说 You be, "Hey, baby, come on." And she go:
男的会说 喂 喂 喂 You say, "Hey, hey, hey.
玩闹的时间已经结束了 "I think playtime is over.
你可有点过了 这就是为什么男人不喜欢抱小孩 "Getting a little crazy." That's why men don't like to handle babies.
小屁孩总是穿着高帮的白色鞋子 Them little babies with them high-top white shoes on
鞋底又非常硬 他们差不多一两岁的时候 with the real hard bottoms. When they about 1 years old,
腿部肌肉已经很强壮了 你把他们抱起来 you pick them up and their leg muscles be strong
他们用两脚就这么用力踩到你蛋蛋上 and they stomp you in the nuts with both feet.
你跟那小子一样口水都流出来了 就像这样 And both of y'all be dribbling. You be like:
小孩的妈妈还以为你在跟他说话 And their mother think you talking baby talk.
喔 你们他们说话的样子 好可爱啊 "Oh, that's so cute, the way they talking."
-没错 去找你妈吧 -怎么了 便便了吗 -"Yeah, go to your mother, please." -"What's the matter, he stink?"
不是 我想把这兔崽子给扔了 "No, I'm about to throw this motherfucker someplace."
你在长大点 老子就一脚踢爆你的蛋蛋 让你尝尝被踩到蛋蛋是什么滋味 "Get a little older, I'm gonna kick you in your nuts, see how you like it."
我要一脚踢爆他的蛋蛋 总是说什么要踢爆谁的蛋蛋 "I kick him in his nuts." Always talking about kicking somebody in the nuts.
你们知道吗 女士们 有个女的问我 You know what, ladies? I had a woman ask me the other day:
知道为什么我说这些吗 因为我想知道为什么所有男人都在外面乱搞 "You know why I say my thing? I wanna know why all men fool around."
为什么 为什么 为什么 他要我做什么 我就做什么 "Why, why, why? I do everything my man wants me to do
他还是在外面乱搞 为什么 我洗衣做饭 我跟他做爱 "and he still fools around. Why? I cook, I clean, I fuck.
他想要我怎样 我就怎样 为什么 为什么 为什么 "I come and go as he says. Why, why, why?"
然后你给你闺蜜打电话问 为什么 Then you call up your girlfriends and go, "Why?"
她说 我不知道 我男人也不在家 -为什么 She go, "I don't know. My man ain't home." -"Why?"
然后你给你妈打电话问 妈妈 为什么啊 Then you call up your mother and say, "Mama, why?"
她说 我不知道啊 你爸也不在家 为什么 为什么 She go, "I don't know, your father ain't home." "Why? Why?"
我跟你们说说 为什么所有的男人都在外面乱搞 I'll tell you why all men fool around.
-为什么 -我听到有个女士说 为什么啊 - Why? - Hear the ladies go, "Why?"
男人在外面乱搞是有原因的 Men fool around because of this.
瞧瞧台下的女士们 都伸长了脖子像这样看着台上 Look at all the women in the audience right now looking up here like this:
我们乱搞是因为 我们把你们摸透了 We fool around because we figured women out.
没错 你看 很多女士在说 We did. See, a lot of you ladies going:
他说的把我们摸透了 是什么意思啊 "What does he mean, he figured us out?"
也有傻老黑在说 对啊 他说什么我们把女人们都摸透了 And dumb niggas going, "Yeah, what does he mean, we figured them out?"
我们把女人摸透是这样的 而且千真万确 We figured you out in this sense, and this is true.
所有干过这事的人都会同意我要说的 Anybody's ever done this will agree with what I'm saying.
所有做过这事的女人都会同意我要说的 Any woman that's ever had this done to her will agree what I'm gonna say.
如果你没做过 你可能会说 我不同意 Those of you who've never done this will go, "I disagree."
但是 如果你让一个女人高潮来得特别的爽 But once you make a woman come real hard,
如果你让一个女人说 once you make a woman say:
不管你做了多操蛋的事 捅了多大的篓子 No matter how bad you fuck up, no matter what you do wrong,
不管你说什么 做什么 只要你说 no matter what you say, no matter what you do, as long as you say:
我道歉 她就会听你的解释 这就是事实 "I'm sorry," she will listen to your story. And that's the truth.
这是千真万确的事实 事实就是这样 去你的 这就是事实 That's the God's honest truth. It is the truth. Stop it. It's the truth.
事实就是这样 女士们 只要你们发出那个声音 It is the truth. And, ladies, as soon as y'all make that noise,
你们的爱情关系就变了 因为我们知道 your relationship will change with your man. Because we know.
我们一直在等那个叫声 我们一直等着 We wait on that noise. We waiting on it.
因为我们知道我们可以变得不一样 只要你这样叫 Because we know we can act different as soon as you go:
我们变得跟傻逼一样都没事 还记得你男人 We know we can act the fool then. Remember when your man
约你出来 没有成功 他就会打电话吗 再也没有这种屁事了 他已经听到你发那个叫声了 couldn't make it, he would call? No more of that shit. He heard you go:
还记得他想在所有空闲的时间都跟你在一起吗 也没这屁事了 Remember he wanted to spend all his free time with you? No more of that.
你只要发出那个叫声 你的男人就疯了 You made that noise. Your man can act crazy.
我们知道只要听到你这样叫 We know as soon as you go:
我们的脸就躲在枕头的一边 心想 乖乖 我搞定这贱货了 Our face is in the pillow like this, "I got this motherfucker now, boy."
然后你开始跟她说话 Then you start talking to her:
这B是谁的 这B是谁的 "Whose pussy is this? Whose pussy is this?"
喔喔 是你的B 是你的B "Oh, it's your pussy! It's your pussy!"
你们的关系就在那个时候发生变化了 And your relationship changes from that moment.
你这就这么瘫在床上 腿还在痉挛 The woman be sitting on the bed, legs shaking:
噢 我的天呐 喔 真不敢相信 "Oh, my God. Oh, I can't believe it.
以前从来没这么高潮过 不敢相信 "I never came like that before. I can't believe it."
她男人就可以装得很酷 说 And their man get real cold, saying shit like:
为什么你不屁颠屁颠 滚回家呢 "Why don't you shake your ass home."
你在说什么啊 为什么你要这样对我 "What are you talking about? Why are you treating me like this?
我们在恋爱啊 "We have a relationship."
我又不是你的 "You don't own me."
你说什么啊 我们在恋爱啊 "What do you mean? We have a relationship."
我还以为我们要携手共度的 "I thought that we go together."
我怎么没看到你手指上有戒指啊 "I don't see no rings on your finger."
可是我爱你 "But I love you!"
是嘛 那你最近为我做什么了 "Well, what have you done for me lately?"
你们就开始忍受这些了 And y'all put up with it.
你们就开始忍受这些狗屁玩意了 Y'all start putting up with all kinds of crazy shit.
我在想 可能是因为很难找到一个 I guess it's hard to find somebody that knows
符合你心意的人 所以你们一旦找到 how to do it to you right, because when y'all find one,
就会死心塌地跟他走 无论生活多少困难 y'all stick through that man through all kinds of bullshit.
我认识一个男人在情妇家 被老婆捉奸抓个正着 I know a man got busted coming out of another woman's house.
我跟你们说说 这女人是如何的卑躬屈膝吧 Show you how far a woman will stoop.
那男的被老婆捉奸抓个正着 He got busted coming out of another woman's house.
他老婆都看着他这么走出来了 His woman saw him come out,
知道那个情妇就住那里 她屁都没放一个 knew that the woman lived there and didn't say shit.
直到回家才说 Wait till they got home and said:
你在那个贱人家里做什么 "What the hell was you doing in that bitch's house?"
你们知道那个男的是怎么说的吗 不是我 You know what the man said? "Wasn't me."
都看到你的脸了 还说不是你 "I looked right in your face!"
不是我 "Wasn't me."
是嘛 那我就是个傻逼了 对吗 "Well, I'm supposed to be a fool, right?"
嘿 "Hey.
不是我 "Wasn't me."
你们知道那女的说什么吗 也许不是你啦 You know what the woman said? "Maybe it wasn't you."
还有个朋友在被老婆捉奸在床 I got a friend got busted in his house, in his bed,
就在他跟他老婆睡得那场床上 跟另一个女的在做爱 where him and his wife sleep, with another woman, fucking!
他老婆走进家里 打开卧室门 His wife walked inside the house, opened up the bedroom door,
看到她老公跟另一个女人在床上做爱 saw her man in her bed with another woman, fucking.
她刚走进去 She walks in:
我朋友就跳了起来 看着他老婆站在那儿 The man jumped up, saw his woman standing there.
她从走廊跑了出去 我朋友光着屁股追了出去 She ran down the hallway. Chased his woman down the hallway butt naked
鸡鸡硬得跟石头一样 边跑还边说 我道歉 with a rock-hard dick, talking about, "I'm sorry."
听起来很像个悲剧 对吧 不 事实是 This sound like a tragedy, right? No, it was like this:
宝贝 等等 哇唔 哇唔 哇唔 "Baby, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
宝贝 听我说 哇唔 等等 我们得说清楚 "Baby, look. Whoa, hold on. Wait, we got to talk.
-宝贝 我道歉 -你道歉个鬼啊 -"Baby, I am sorry." -"No, you're not sorry.
我都不敢相信你会这么做 你都不尊重我 "I can't believe you did this. You have no respect for me.
滚你丫的... 别碰我 "Get the fuck... Don't you fucking touch me."
等等 宝贝 我道歉好吗 等等 "Wait, baby, I am sorry. Wait a second."
不要 你如果知道错的话 你就不应该操她 "No, if you're sorry, you wouldn't have fucked her!"
然后那个男的瞬间就扭转了局面 And then you change the shit around. Right, guys?
够了 等一下 "OK, wait a minute!
等一下 该死的 "Wait one second, goddamn it!
对 我是操了她 没错 "Yes, I fucked her, yes.
你就是要我这么说是吗 我操了她对吗 我是操了她 "Is that what you want me to say? I fucked her? I fucked her.
我操了她 行了吗 你开心了吧 我把她给操了 "We fucked, all right? You happy now? We fucked!
现在 我跟你说说“操”这个字行吗 "Now, let's talk about the word 'fuck' for a minute.
因为这个词现在很重要 “操” 没错 我们确实操了 "Because that's a very important word here. Fuck, yes, we did.
操了 我把她给操了 "Fuck. I fucked her.
我跟你做爱了 "I make love to you.
如果你想让这个“操”影响我们的“爱”的话 "And if you gonna let a fuck come between our love,
你可就大错特错了 宝贝 "there's something really wrong happening here, baby."
扯淡 Bullshit.
这个叫声就是为什么男人能在外面乱搞的关键 That's the only reason why it works.
伙计们 我看到你们很多人觉得自己牛逼轰轰的 Now, guys, I see a lot of y'all feeling real macho,
就因为你听过你女人发出过那个叫声 because you may have heard your woman make that noise
你觉得你在你们两个人的关系上处于上风 and you think you are in control of your shit.
但是我刚刚就跟你们说过了 女人报复心理是很强的 But I told you a half-hour ago, women are vindictive.
别老是想着 你能一而再再而三地伤她的心 Don't you think for two seconds that if you keep breaking this woman's heart,
你那甜美纯真 娇小可爱 如花似玉的老婆 your sweet, innocent, little, sweet, loving, darling woman,
她最后也会出轨 出去外头操别的男人 she eventually will go out and fuck someone else.
别以为她不会 别以为她不会 Don't think she won't. Don't think she won't.
瞧瞧 台下男士们的脸色 就像这样 Look, all the men's faces, they're like this now:
男人都无法忍受自己的女人跟别的男人做爱 And men don't like to picture their woman fucking nobody.
这是绝对禁止的 看看男士们的脸 女士们 看看他们 That's taboo. Watch the guy's faces. Ladies, look at them.
伙计们 想想一下你老婆跟你最好的哥们做爱的样子 Guys, picture your woman fucking your best friend.
看看他们一个个 Look at them, they're:
你老婆在想 Hey, your woman is like this:
我得跟你们说 都当心点 女人跟我们不一样 I gotta tell you, be careful. And women ain't like us.
女人生性就不是会乱搞的 It's not their nature to fool around.
比如说 我们会溜出去 到宾馆里 Like, we'll go out and sneak out to the hotel
在水池里洗洗我们的鸡巴什么的 and have to wash your dick in the sink and all that shit.
女人就不会做得这么随便 她们不会像我们一样到处乱搞 Women gonna do it classy. They don't fuck around like us.
她们会说 嘿 这种事我不常做啦 如果要做 就得做得漂亮点 It's like, "Hey, I don't do this often, I'm gonna do it right."
知道什么时候 你们的女人会在外面乱搞吗 Know when your woman's gonna fool around?
如果你一直耍她 最后她就会说 You keep messing her over, eventually she says shit like this:
我这周想一个人去巴哈马 "You know, I think I'm gonna go to the Bahamas by myself for the weekend."
你说 要我陪你一起去吗 And you say, "You want me to go with you?"
她说 不用了 就我跟我的闺蜜们去 She goes, "No, just me and my girlfriends are going.
就我跟我闺蜜 "Just me and my friends."
我们也是比较蠢 And we so stupid,
我们开始盘算着她出去的时候 我们能搞多少个女人 we start thinking about all the pussy we can get while she gone.
-你要自己一个人去吗 -对 -"You gonna go by yourself?" -"Yes."
好的 "OK."
尼玛你就这么把你老婆一个人送到浪漫无比的巴哈马吗 And send your woman off to the romantic Bahamas by herself?
一个人去巴哈马？ By herself to the Bahamas?
她走在沙滩上 躺着晒了一整天 皮肤晒成了棕褐色 She's walking on the beach, she laid out all day and got a tan,
你女人身材又正又惹眼 your woman is fine and got her body looking right,
她走在巴哈马的沙滩上 哭泣着 she's walking on the beach, crying, in the Bahamas.
小情侣们都在沙滩上做爱 Lovers on the beach making love.
她就这么一个人走着 想到了你 心里很难过 She's all by herself, walking along, feeling sad, thinking about you
在那儿的每个人都无比浪漫 海洋的海浪 and everybody's real romantic. The motion of the ocean
轻轻地摇动 月色也在洋面上轻轻摇曳 is shimmying off... The moon is shimmying off the ocean.
你女人就这么站着 看着海洋哭泣着 Your woman's standing, looking at it and crying.
突然之间 有个叫德瑟特尔的男的走了过来 And all of a sudden, a dude named Dexter walks up.
德瑟特尔 圣约克 Dexter St. Jock.
他走过来 鸡鸡就这么甩着 He walk up swinging his dick.
然后他用流利的巴哈马口音跟你老婆说话 Then he do that smooth Bahamas shit on your woman.
这么美丽动人的女子 你独身一人在这爱情之岛做什么呢 "What a beautiful girl like you doing by herself on the island of love?"
这是爱情之岛 "This is the island for lovers."
你此时应该被爱人紧紧拥在怀里的 美丽的姑娘 "You should be being held right now, girl."
你为什么而哭泣呢 "What you crying about?"
我跟我男朋友闹矛盾了 "I'm having some problems with my boyfriend,
就自己一个人过来想一想 散散心 "so I came down here to think it over."
你跟我说 你男人在哪个宾馆 "Tell me what hotel your man's staying.
我就去教训教训他 怎么能这么对待一个公主 "I tell him that you treat a woman like you like a princess.
如果你是我女人 我肯定常常跟你做爱 "If you were my woman, I make love to you constantly.
你男人在哪个宾馆 "What hotel this man staying in?"
他住在纽约 "Well, he's back in New York."
是嘛 "Is that right?
姑娘 这么着 你来我住的地方 "Well, listen, girl. Won't you come back around my place?"
我们坐下来 好好谈谈吧 "We sit down and talk it over."
我们要做的就是谈谈吗 "All we gonna do is talk?"
他把你女人带回家 He take your woman to his house
烤上那种巨大无比的巴哈马烤肉 and roll one of them big-ass Bahama joints.
这么大的烤肉 再放上鲍勃马利的音乐（牙买加音乐之神 雷鬼之父） Shit this big and shit. Put some of that Bob Marley music on.
大伙都知道鲍勃唱歌就像说教 And y'all know Bob be preaching this shit:
别让他愚弄了你 不要 Don't let him fool you Oh, no
别让他对你说教 就是这样 Or even try to school you Oh, yeah
难道这就是爱吗 这就是被爱吗 Could this be love? And be loved
鸡巴还在甩来甩去 Dick swinging.
接下来的事情你也知道了 德瑟特尔在操你女人 Next thing you know, Dexter is fucking your woman.
那叫一个爽 Well.
你女人心花怒放地回家 Send your woman home floating on air.
走进门的时候还唱着 我射杀了那个警官（鲍勃马利的著名歌曲） Walk through the door like this: I shot the sheriff
我们还真是傻得可以 以为是天气很好的缘故 我们说 We so stupid, we think it was the weather. We be going:
嘿 宝贝 你得多出去走走 "Hey, baby, you need to get away more often."
她就像这样 And she be like this:
她从不会跟你说的 这是她的小秘密 And never tell you. It's her little secret.
每个女人都有一些不可告人的秘密（直译为：柜子里藏着骨头） All women have a skeleton in the closet.
所有女人都做过一些 只有她们自己 All women have done something that only them
和另一个人知道的事 每个女人都有秘密 and another person knows about. All women have one skeleton.
即使是娇小可爱 甜美纯真的女人 也有一些秘密 Even the little, sweet, innocent ones have something that only them
只有她们和另一个人知道 所有女人都这样 and another person knows about. All women.
别...看看台下的男士 都这样看着他们的老婆 Don't be... Look at the guys, looking at their women again like this:
你柜子里还藏了什么骨头吗 "You got skeletons in your closet?"
我还以为连你鞋子里的骨头我都看过了 那骨头是谁的 "I thought I seen a bone in your shoe. Whose skeleton was that?"
别被耍了 她们柜子里都藏着一些骨头 Don't be fooled. They all have a skeleton in their closet.
有些人藏了一整个墓地的骨头（这里指在外面搞过的男人） Some of them got cemeteries in their closet and shit.
你打开柜子 乌鸦都飞出来了 You open the door and ravens and shit fly out of the closet.
所以都当心点 要注意了 So be careful. Be careful.
找伴侣要找个能跟你走一生的人 Get somebody you gonna be with forever.
找个最适合你的 Find somebody perfect for you.
我不是说最完美的人 人无完人 I'm not saying they're perfect people. I'm saying we ain't perfect.
找个跟你一样蛋疼的人 安定下来就对了 Find somebody just as fucked up as you are and settle down.
这么做就对了 That's what you gotta do.
如果我要结婚 我就找个很有个性的 If I ever get married, I got to marry somebody with personality.
这么说 我讨厌那些装矜持 吃着沙拉的贱货 For instance, I hate those quiet, salad-eating bitches,
就是那种特别矜持的 你们懂的 those real quiet ones, you know.
那种女人 你带她去吃饭 你说 The kind of women, you take them out to dinner, you say:
-嘿 你要吃点什么 她说 -我要沙拉就可以了 -"Hey, what you wanna eat?" They go, "I'll just have a salad."
然后你听到她的肚子咕咕咕咕地叫 And you hear their stomach going:
我不知道为什么我的肚子发出那样的声音诶 "I don't know why my stomach is making that noise."
因为你饿了啊 贱货 "Because you're hungry, bitch."
为什么不吃点东西呢 "Why don't you have something to eat?"
不不不 我没事 没事 我吃沙拉就可以了 "No, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. I'll just have a salad."
-你要喝什么 -喝水 -"What you want to drink?" -"Water."
吃完饭要去看什么电影啊 "What movie you wanna see after you finish eating?"
你想看什么都可以 我都OK "Whatever you wanna see is OK with me.
只要是普通级的就好 我讨厌恐怖片 "As long as it's a PG. I hate scary movies."
-这是我朋友鲍勃和卡伦 -嗨 -"This is my friend Bob and Karen." -"Hi."
-你怎么了 -人家只是有点害羞 -"What's your problem?" -"I'm just a little shy."
害羞你妹啊 滚你丫 Get your shy ass away from me.
我讨厌那些故作矜持的贱货 让我觉得恶心 I hate those shy bitches. They make me sick to my mother...
我讨厌她们... 你们知道吗 那些故作矜持的女人 I hate shy... You know, those shy women,
那些人柜子里藏的骨头最多（不可告人的秘密最多 这里指搞过的男人） those are usually the ones that have the most skeletons in their closet.
所以她们现在才那么害羞 That's why they shy now.
因为她们一辈子都太花枝招展了 所以现在才故作矜持 Because they been raising hell all their life, now they shy.
好好想想吧 你遇到的那些故作矜持的女人 Think about it. All them shy women that you meet,
都不是来自你遇到她们的那个镇里 they never from the town you meet them in.
总是来自别的地方 They always from somewhere else.
然后她们来到你镇里 就变得羞羞答答的 Then they come to your town and get shy.
有多远给老子滚多远啦 Get the fuck out of here.
她们不敢讲话 因为她们觉得骨头 They afraid to talk, because they think a bone
会从她们嘴里飞出来什么的 is gonna fly out their mouth or some shit.
嗨 "Hi."
好多骨头啊 "So many skeletons."
我讨厌羞羞答答的女人 我喜欢性格开朗 有幽默感的女人 I hate shy women. I like extroverts, I like women with a sense of humor.
我喜欢幽默 有趣的女人 I like funny girls, funny women.
你瞎激动个毛啊 你也得长得很正才行 But hey， wait, you gotta be good-looking too.
我可不操那些没幽默感 又长得丑的女人 我可不想在床上 I don't wanna fuck no funny, ugly bitch and shit. I'd have me in the bed going:
嘿 宝贝 你能再给我讲几个笑话吗 "Hey, baby, can you tell me some more jokes, please?"
女人还得会做饭 Gotta be a good cook.
我搬出去了才知道我妈很会做饭 I didn't realize my mother was a good cook till after I moved out.
你还小的时候 如果你妈不带你去吃麦当劳 When you're a child, if your mother doesn't take you to McDonald's,
你就觉得她不会做饭 我妈就是这样 you don't think she can cook. I had one of those mothers,
不管你想吃什么 她总是能在家里找到调料 自己做 no matter what you want, she has the ingredients at home.
你说 妈 我想去吃麦当劳 You say, "Ma, I wanna stop and get some McDonald's."
她说 我们家里就有做汉堡包的肉了 And she go, "I got hamburger meat at home."
可是我想吃麦当劳的汉堡啊 "But I want McDonald's hamburger."
妈做得汉堡比麦当劳好吃 "I'll make you a hamburger better than McDonald's."
你做得比麦当劳好吃吗 "You cook better than McDonald's?"
没错 你可以帮妈妈做 "That's right. You can help Mama make it."
你说 嚓 比麦当劳的好吃啊 You say, "Shit, that's better than McDonald's."
你妈说 好 帮我把煎锅拿过来 Your mother say, "OK, go get me the big frying pan."
你拿给她 她说 So you hand her the frying pan and she say:
你去冰箱拿些肉 "I want you to go in the refrigerator and get the meat
顺便拿些青椒和洋葱 你说 and while you in there, get me a green pepper and a onion." And you say:
可是麦当劳的汉堡没有青椒啊 "Ain't no green peppers at McDonald's."
我做的不是麦当劳汉堡 是妈妈爱心堡 "I'm not making McDonald's, I'm making Mama's burger.
我要一个青椒 一个洋葱 再拿一个蛋吧 "I need a green pepper and an onion and get me an egg out too."
要蛋干嘛啊 "What you need eggs for?"
我要吃汉堡 "I want hamburgers."
你做的是蛋麦满分啊（家庭早餐三明治） "You making Egg McMuffins."
不是做蛋麦满分啦 我都不知道蛋麦满分是什么 "I'm not making an Egg McMuffin. I don't know what no Egg McMuffin is."
闭嘴啦 把蛋拿给我 "Just get me the egg and shut your mouth."
她拿了蛋和青椒 She take the egg and the green peppers
把青椒切得很大一块 and chop the peppers up in big chunks.
都不切小块的 大块大块的青椒和洋葱 Don't even dice it. Big chunks of green peppers and onion
打了蛋 又放了红辣椒 还有一些七七八八的 and mix the egg in and put paprika and all this shit in it
又弄了一个大肉丸 放在煎锅中间 and make a big meatball and put it in the middle of this frying pan.
在麦当劳 肉是很薄的 你妈做的有这么大 At McDonald's, the meat is this thin. Your mother's shit is like this or fatter.
青椒都掉出来了 Green peppers hanging out of it and shit.
中间还裂了一个大口 煎锅上的油一直飞溅出来 And there's a big split in the middle and grease is popping out.
你就这么看着那些油一直飞溅出来 You're looking at it while it's popping.
看着锅里的油 你就在想 You're looking at the grease in the pan and thinking:
看起来不像麦当劳的汉堡啊 "That don't look like no McDonald's."
然后你妈说 去冰箱里拿面包 Then your mother say, "Go inside the refrigerator and get me the bread
在装面包的盒子里 你看着那个面包盒 说 out of the bread box." And you go look in the bread box and you say:
妈 我们没有汉堡面包片了 "Ma, we don't have no hamburger buns."
只有沃登面包了 "All we have is Wonder Bread."
我说的就是那个 把面包拿过来 "That's what I said. Get the bread out of the bread box."
你要把那些放到沃登面包中间吗 "You gonna put it on square Wonder Bread?"
面包就是面包 拿过来 不然我给你一巴掌 "Bread is bread. Bring me that bread before I slap you."
别跟我说什么沃登面包 "Don't tell me about Wonder Bread."
我可是花钱买的 别给我提什么沃登面包 "As much as that bread costs, don't tell me about Wonder Bread.”
沃登面包是沃登面包 汉堡是汉堡 "This is Wonder Bread. A hamburger is a hamburger."
然后她把东西都做好 夹在沃登面包中间 And she'd make it and put it in the middle of square Wonder Bread.
在麦当劳 人家用的是小面包 肉溢在面包外 At McDonald's, they use buns, the meat covers the whole bread.
我妈做的汉堡 肉在面包里面 At your mother's, the meat's right in the middle of the bread,
油还一直流出来 with grease running through the middle,
让整个面包都黏在盘子上 making the bread stick to the plate.
那块巨大的青椒从上面掉了出来 This big green pepper is hanging out the top
还有那个巨大的肉丸 of this big meatball on the bread.
你还想涂点番茄酱 结果跟肉里的油混在一起 And you try to put some ketchup on it and it mixes with the grease,
把整个面包变成一个粉红色的面团 turn the bread into pink dough.
你抓着它 上面有你的指纹 Then you grab it and get fingerprinted
巨大的指纹就印在那团粉色面团上 and you got big, pink fingerprints in the dough.
你看着它 想让它看起来更像麦当劳汉堡 You stand there looking at it and you try to make it look like McDonald's,
用手指弄来弄去 想弄得圆一点 so you rip the edges off around it, make it round.
然后面包从指尖滑落 And you got green peppers and grease running down your hand.
你妈说 去外面玩吧 And your mother say, "Now, go on outside and play."
外面的小孩都有麦当劳汉堡 And the other kids got McDonald's.
他们在唱 我们有麦当劳叻 They outside going, "We got McDonald's hamburgers."
麦当劳叻 是麦当劳叻 "McDonald's. McDonald's."
我有麦当劳叻 "I got McDonald's."
你傻站在那儿 手里拿着巨大的妈妈爱心汉堡 And you standing there with this big "house burger".
小孩都是有什么说什么的 And kids are honest.
他们说 你那个巨大的青椒福利院汉堡是哪里拿的 They say, "Where you get that big, welfare, green-pepper burger?"
然后你就哭了 And you cry.
我妈做的 "My mother made it."
小孩哭的时候 流口水流得巨长 And long slobber... When little kids cry,
巨长的口水从嘴边留下来 some long slobber come out of their mouth
悬挂着 都掉到地板上 还不会断掉 and it hangs this far to the ground. And it won't break.
大人看到还会说 那口水都不会断诶 And adults stand around going, "That slobber gonna break?"
就是不会断 风还吹着那条口水 And it won't. The wind can blow that slobber:
你知道哪里能看到小孩哭嘛 我一直在找 我这人有虐待倾向 You know where you see kids crying? I do it all the time, I'm sadistic.
我喜欢去超市看老妈们发飙 I like to go to supermarkets and watch mothers lose it
把她们的孩子打得死去活来 and beat the shit out of their kids.
讲讲在LOFT的派对吧 Party at the LOFT!
我是在那个派对 知道我为什么没有跳舞吗 I was at the Loft. You know why I ain't dancing at the Loft?
我身体刚恢复 去派对跳舞 I had just got over some shit. I go to parties...
我最近常常看白人去迪斯科 我看你们白人跳舞 I went to a white disco recently and I watched the white people dance.
你们... 你们真的是不会跳舞 Y'all... Y'all can't dance.
不是 听我说... 我不是要种族歧视什么的 我的意思是... No, it's not... I'm not being racist. I mean, I mean...
就好像黑人的嘴唇比较厚一样 It's like saying black people have thick lips.
这不是什么种族歧视 这是事实 我们的嘴唇就是比较厚 That's not racist. It's true. We have thick lips
白人就是不会跳舞 and white people can't dance.
你们是很努力 真的是... And y'all be trying. Y'all be really...
你们有在听歌词和节奏吗 Do y'all listen to the words or the beat?
因为你们真的是...我跟你说 每次你看到 Because y'all be... I really... I tell you, every time you see a black...
白人俱乐部里有五六个黑人站在那儿 When you go to a white club, you see five or six brothers just standing.
你问 为什么那些老黑站在那儿 You ask, "Why are those niggers in here?"
他们在看你跳舞呢 They watching y'all dance.
看看这些傻逼 "Look at these crazy motherfuckers."
你们只会跳一种舞 你们只能这样 Y'all got one dance y'all can do. Y'all can do this shit, like this:
但是你们都没在动 就只是 But y'all don't do no moves, it's just this:
你们要是做这个东西 你们肯定蛋疼死了 Y'all do some shit like this, you be fucked up. You'd be:
哎哟 我嚓... "Oh, shit..."
白人们 你们跳舞还会踩别人的脚 And white people, y'all step on each other's feet.
我们黑人兄弟去跳舞 完爆所有人 Brothers, we go to the disco, get all fucked up,
你们丫踩来踩去 撞来撞去 you're stepping and hitting and...
黑人跳舞是这样的 头部也要利用起来 Brothers got some dance. They be doing this with their heads.
都是这些玩意儿 Some shit like that.
如果白人这么跳的话 他们会不小心杀了对方 就像这样 If the white people do that, they'll kill each other. They be like:
不好意思 "Sorry."
我们还是继续这么跳吧 "Let's stick with this."
我到酒吧 I was in the club, man. I stopped going...
我没在LOFT上跳舞 因为我最近跟别人打架了 I ain't dancing at the LOFT because I had a fight recently
所以我说我没跳舞 我走进酒吧... and I said I ain't dancing. I went to clubs...
大伙喝醉了就去酒吧打架 People get drunk, go to clubs and start fighting.
我跟一个意大利人打起来了 I had a fight with an Italian dude
那个时候电影《洛奇》刚上映 right around the time Rocky came out.
意大利人 意大利白人 你们看了《洛奇》整个人都疯了 Italians... White people, period, y'all go crazy after y'all see a Rocky movie
你们还以为电影里是真的 because y'all believe that shit.
因为电影做得很煽情 很真实 Because the movies are so emotional and so real,
你就坐在那儿看 心想 这是真实的 you sit there and go like, "Hey, this is real."
史泰龙让你们这些白人都像打了鸡血一样 特别是意大利人 And Stallone have y'all white people pumped, especially Italians.
意大利人看了《洛奇》 走出电影院 像这样 After Italians see Rocky, they come out the movie theater, they be like...
意大利人很好玩 因为他们一举一动都像我们黑人 很有意思 Italians are funny people, because they act like niggas. It's funny.
真的 他们抓鸡鸡的频率比我们还高 They do. They hold their dick more than us.
抓着鸡鸡站在那儿说 滚你丫的 They be standing around, "Get the fuck out of here."
就是这儿 行吗 什么 嘿 操你妈 有意见吗 "It's right here, all right? What? Hey, fuck you, all right?"
他们说什么话都是问句的形式 嘿 你当我是谁啊 傻逼吗 Everything is a question too. "Hey, what am I, an asshole?"
我是谁啊 臭傻逼吗 滚你丫的 "What am I, a fucking jerk? Get the fuck out of here."
就是这儿 有问题吗 "It's right here, all right?"
看完《洛奇》 他们出来的时候都是满血模式 After they see Rocky, they come out of the theater charged.
They be like, "All right, Rock-O!"
"All right, Sly!"
"All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!"
Go up to the people standing on line and shit.
嘿 兄弟 你要去看《洛奇》吗 "Hey, paisan, you going in to see Rocky right now?"
没错 非常牛逼的电影 "Yeah." "It's a great fucking movie."
太棒了 "It's great."
"You gonna like this. When Sly comes out,
"he breaks this big fucking nigger's face."
"He busts it fucking wide open."
"Fucking melanzane laying on the floor, fucked up."
太牛逼了 我非常喜欢 "It's fucking great. I fucking love it, man. All right, Rock-O!"
"At the end of this picture, now, just between you and I,"
"I don't wanna ruin the surprise, but Sly wins this one again."
"You know what I like about Stallone's movies?"
"The realism. Because that's the way you gotta treat those fucking moolies."
"They think they can fucking push you around, 'Oh, you big hotshot,'
"get the fuck out of here."
"Get the fuck out of my face with that shit."
"That's what I like about Sly. He goes in
"and the moolies are beating him and he don't fucking go down,
"he comes in and he cracks the fucking moolie's hole like this."
"He falls on the ground. You know, you can really fucking do that."
"You see that fucking big melanzane standing over there?"
看到站在那儿派对买糖果的老黑了吗 "See that black guy over there at the line getting candy?"
-看到了 -好 他6尺5 我5尺2 -"Yeah." -"All right. Now, he's about 6'5". I'm 5'2".
我个子不高 对吧 "I ain't no big guy, all right?"
不过我是意大利人 看好了 看好了 听到了吗 "But I'm Italian. Watch this. You watch this, all right?
嘿 不好意思 兄弟 "Hey, excuse me, brother."
嘿 我要一盒Juji水果糖 "Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits
再来点Bon Bons巧克力糖 "and let me have some Bon Bons.
要那边的Bon Bons巧克力糖 "I think I'll have some Bon Bons there."
再来点薄荷糖 "And let me have some Junior Mints."
再来一盒Juji水果糖吧 "And give me another box of Juji Fruits.
这个黑鬼会付钱的 "And the nigger's gonna pay for it."
不好意思 你说什么 "Excuse me?"
你听到我说什么了 莫里 帮我把糖果钱给付了 "You heard what I said, moolie. Pay for my fucking candy...
不然老子一脚踢爆你 "...or I'll kick your ass."
噢 你丫是刚看了《洛奇》是吧 "Oh, you just saw Rocky.
挺好了 意大利小矮人 "Look, little Italian white man.
我也很喜欢史泰龙的电影 "I enjoy Sylvester Stallone's movies too."
不过我现在是在派对买糖果 要去看场电影 "But I'm waiting to get some candy and I'm gonna go see a movie."
你怎么不跳进你的雪弗兰IROC Z28 赶紧滚回家呢 "Why don't you just go hop in your IROC Z-28 and take your ass home."
我要一脚踢爆你 "I'll kick your fucking ass."
然后他们听到《洛奇》的音乐响起 Then they hear that Rocky music.
一个小时候 Hour later:
他撑不住了 "He's not gonna make it."
那个叫阿普杜拉的手掐住他脖子了 "The big nigger named Abdullah's hand wrapped around his throat."
"And a box of Juji Fruits rammed up his ass. He's not gonna make it."
"He's fucked up."
That's who I had a fight with. An Italian.
Those are the worst white people to fight, especially around Rocky time.
Because I was in a discotheque talking to Deney Terrio from Dance Fever.
Don't ask me why.
We were there kicking it and this Italian dude
was there with his girlfriend and she is looking at me or Deney.
Italians don't play that shit. You hear the shit they say
to their girlfriends? "What the fuck you looking over there for?
"Don't tell me you're not looking. I just saw you.
"You been looking over there all fucking night.
"You look over there again and I'm gonna pick up a glass
"and shove it in your fucking mouth. Don't look over there. No, you shut up.
"You're making me look like an asshole.
"Don't you ever disrespect me. Don't you ever.
"Hey, shut up. Don't you ever... I'll fucking kick your ass inside here.
"What are you looking at a fucking dancer and a melanzane for?
"You know I'll kick his moolie ass." He pushed me.
Black people from New York have this trick we use on white people.
It works. Even if you can't fight,
you have to act like you can fight,
because that gets you out of a lot of fights.
It works. If you have some problem...
Walk up to a white dude and step on his foot. And he says:
"Hey, you got a problem?" You go, "Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!"
"I just lost my motherfucking job
"to a white man, look just like you!
"So I say I'm gonna step on some feet till I feel I've redeemed myself.
"You got a problem?"
And white guys will go, "Hey, I didn't know about your job."
They leave and brother be standing there like this:
"That was close.
"I almost got fucked up."
So I know you gotta act like you can fight.
First, you make your voice go up an octave
and act real confused. And mumble:
"What the fuck this motherfucker trying...?
"Yo, you don't put your motherfucking hand, no...
"Mind your motherfucking business. I'll bust your motherfucking ass.
"Don't you never put your hands... Shut the fuck up.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
"You know I'll bust you... Get the fuck off me.
"I'll bust your motherfucking ass too. Mind your motherfucking business.
"You want some, motherfucker? You want some?
"Then make a move, then. Make a move.
"Yeah, you better walk away, mother... I'll bust your pussy ass too.
"You never put your motherfucking hands on me.
"What the fuck is your problem? What's your problem, huh?
"You got a problem? Well, I'm gonna settle your problem.
"I'm gonna settle your problem, motherfucker!"
And the dude did like this, "Come on!"
I was stuck.
I was standing there like this now.
Dude said, "Come on, that's the way I like it."
I didn't know what to do, because I could act like I could fight good.
I'm an actor, I ain't no fighter.
You put me in a movie where I'm the star, I'll kick your ass.
This is real shit. He's going, "Come on."
I was frozen, man. I was standing there,
my ego jumped out of my body and said,
"Punch him in the face, Ed."
I said, "I ain't punching nobody."
My ego said, "Well, give me your hand."
Clocked that boy in his eye.
Boy fell on the deck holding his eye,
he was all fucked up. I looked at my ego, I said:
"What the fuck you do that for?"
Ego said, "Because you've got an image to uphold.
"You kicked the dude's ass. Relax."
The dude was laying there, holding his eye.
My ego said, "Now talk some shit so people know not to mess with you."
And I was like, "Yeah.
"I'm tired of people messing with me."
"Now tell them if somebody else move, you gonna kick their ass."
"If somebody else move,
"I'm gonna kick their ass?"
"Do some rhyme with your name. That always scares white people."
"Because I'm Ed
"and if you mess with Ed, you be dead."
"That's all right. Just worry about... Shit, you doing fine.
"You just relax, don't worry. Just be cool.
"Ain't nobody gonna move after they seen you kick this dude's ass.
"Just relax and cool out." I start cooling out. My ego said:
"Every now and then you gotta whip somebody's ass,
"let them know where you stand." I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
I ain't see this dude's brother standing behind me.
And he has seen Rocky too.
And he swung around my back
and punched me in the mouth...
...real, real hard.
Because the punch said:
And my ego said, "What was that?!"
I said, "I don't know." And my lip said, "Hey, fellas!"
So I'm standing there with my lips hanging down,
looking like J.J. From Good Times and shit.
And I ain't know what to do, so I scream for security.
I said, "Security!"
And that's when one of my boys jumped over the table
like Linc Hayes from the Mod Squad
and grabbed that boy and started going:
Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up and starts fucking this boy up
and his brother woke up, jump on top of my boy and started kicking his ass.
Then somebody says, "Fight in the back!"
And all the people, the bouncers, came
and saw two niggers fighting two white guys.
They jump on the niggers. "You niggers have to learn
"to stop fucking up our club. Didn't we let you in here, nigger?
"We saw you laughing while we were dancing. We saw you."
Then all the brothers saw 40 white guys beating up two black guys,
"Hey, you can't beat up the brothers." They jump in the fight.
Then it looked like 40 white guys fighting 40 black guys,
it was a big race war and suntan lotion and Jheri-curl juices shooting all over.
And at the end of the fight, everybody sued me.
Everybody claimed I whipped their ass.
I'm 5'10". I weigh 165 pounds. I can't whip a disco's ass by myself.
Even people that didn't fight sued me.
People that watched the fight was in court.
"No, I didn't actually fight, but I was there watching.
"And it was a discotheque and a strobe light fell off the ceiling,
"creating a weird effect with the mirror
"and I saw this and my eyes were sprained,
"the eyes, and I need 12 million for my sprained eyes."
Brothers sued me. Yo, man, the brothers came out and sued.
I was like, "Ain't no brothers gonna sue me." Brothers sued Ed.
The brothers went to get paid. I was, "Brothers don't sue brothers."
They was like, "Fuck that. I'm getting paid, motherfucker."
Brothers went to court, got educated on the judge.
All of a sudden they was like, "State your case."
"Yes, Your Honor, on the evening in question, per se, Your Honor.
"Yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was inside the disco.
"Cooling, right? I went in with my girlie, right?
"My girl start illing, 'Oh, there go Eddie Murphy.'
"Start acting all tipsy and shit. I say, 'Where? ' She say, 'Over there.'
"I say, 'Fuck that big-nose motherfucker.
'I make my money just like him.' Right, Your Honor?
"I don't give a fuck. I ain't getting on nobody.
"So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened then, right?
"I say, 'Yo, what you want, me go over, get the motherfucker autograph? '
"I got the autograph for my girlie.
"I walked over and said, 'Yo, Ed, sign this autograph.'
"Then Ed say, 'I ain't signing a motherfucking thing.
'Fuck you and your ugly bitch.' I say, 'Yo, Ed.
'I'll bust your ass for saying shit like that.'
"He say, 'Motherfucker, I... ' And he ran over to my woman
"and slap her in the face, Your Honor.
"Then he slap me and my man in the face.
"All three of us, like the Three Stooges, Your Honor.
"Twelve million.
"Twelve!" I was disgusted.
"Yeah, Your Honor. Give us half his shit."
I was mad. I called my mother up. You know how you do.
When you get depressed, you call your mother.
You get your ass whipped, first you call home.
I call my mother's house. Because you wanna hear:
"It's gonna be all right, baby. It's gonna be fine.
"You just come on home. Stop crying. I'll cook you something to eat.
"I'll cook you one of them big old hamburgers
"I used to make before. You just come on home."
And you want that burger when you get older.
I called my mother's house, it was a Friday night,
the phone rang for a half-hour.
Which meant my pops was home, and on the weekends, my pops gets drunk.
I was praying he wouldn't answer the phone,
because I'm bleeding, my lips are swollen,
people walking by going, "Jimmie Walker."
I'm going, "No, I'm Ed. I just had a fight."
So I'm praying my father wouldn't answer the phone.
And I picture this is going on, my pops is home like this, drunk:
"This is my house!
"It's my house and I don't give a fuck!
"You know something? Hey, I'm drunk, Lil.
"Lil? I'm drunk. And you know something?
"It's beautiful.
"It's beautiful, Lil. In my heart and my soul, I'm drunk.
"You know something, fuck it.
"Because if I wanna drink something in my house, fine.
"You don't like it, get the fuck out of my house.
"I pay the bills for this motherfucker. I wanna drink something, I drink.
"Hey, Lil, you gonna answer this telephone?
"Do you hear the phone ringing?
"Lil!
"That's the phone, motherfucker. That's not me.
"No, I'm not answering shit.
"I pay the bills. I'm gonna answer the phone too?
"Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell up in this motherfucker?
"You better answer this telephone.
"Lil, answer the phone. Goddamn it, look...
"Shit, I'm watching the fights, Lil.
"Are you...? You're not gonna answer it?
"OK. Fine. Don't touch the phone no more, Lil.
"Since you can't get up off your ass and answer the phone,
"you can't touch the phone. Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian.
"No more phone for you. Your phone privileges are cut off.
"I'm gonna write that down and put it on the fridge.
"That's the new rules in the house.
"I'm gonna take the old rules off and put new rules up.
"You gonna listen to me when I tell you to do something.
"We gonna put new rules up. We gonna put rules up. Rules up.
"Rules. Rules.
"One, 'Lillian cannot use the phone.'
"Two, 'Lillian cannot... '
"Since you're such a smart motherfucker,
"you can't go outside anymore either.
"Cannot go outside ever again.
"Now, put the rules up, Lillian.
"You abide by my rules and my regulations, goddamn it.
"And the rules say 'No phone and no outside.'
"And I don't give a fuck if the motherfucking house is burning down.
"If I come home and a fireman putting the house out, I say:
'How you find out the house was burning? '
'We got a call from your wife,' I kick your motherfucking ass.
"You're in this house to stay! You'll burn up in this motherfucker.
"No, Lillian, where you going? Didn't I just say you couldn't go no place?
"How the hell you gonna go somewhere...?
"You're not going to Shirley's house to play Pokeno. Fuck Pokeno.
"Take your coat off. No, you can't go no place because I said so.
"The rules say 'no outside.' I know you wanna leave, that's why you can't go.
"You better call and tell her you're not coming.
"You can't use my phone.
"I don't know. You better lift up the window
"and scream your motherfucking head off.
"But you're not... I don't give...
"You're not going no place. You're not going no place.
"Because I know you wanna leave. That's why. I know you wanna leave.
"I know you wanna leave."
I got one of those fathers who gets drunk and sings
old Motown songs to you in his argument,
fucks up the lyrics and thinks he's saying it right.
"I know you wanna leave me
"But I refuse to let you go, Lillian"
Then he fuck up, think he's saying it right.
"If I have to beg and plead Do the symphony
"I don't mind because it means That much to me
"You're not going no place.
"You be right here in this motherfucker, Lil.
"Watching the ships roll in
"Then you watch them Roll away again
"Lillian
"Because I put the rules up. Like Diana Ross say,
"It's my house I live here
"And she sing in Spanish too, Lillian: En my casa, I... Yo vivo aqui
"This is my house! I don't give a fuck!
"Do you hear this phone? I'm gonna answer, because I know it's Shirley.
"And you not supposed to let a phone ring for a half-hour.
"You let it ring two or three times and hang it up.
"That's a lonely bitch at the end of that line. I'm gonna tell her.
"Hello? Shirley? Bitch, if you ever let my phone ring like this again...
"Shir...? What's wrong...? Hey, what's wrong with you?
"What you crying about? Eddie, what's...?
"Eddie, what's wrong with you?
"What? You had a fight?! Lillian, get my pistol.
"Who you have a fight with?
"What? A disco? With Deney Terrio?
"Fuck you doing with Deney Terrio?
"And Jimmie Walker? And your lips? And you shot...
"What? Lillian, Eddie had a fight in a disco with Deney Terrio
"and shot Jimmie Walker.
"He shot him in the lips, Lil.
"Eddie, why'd you shoot Jimmie Walker in his lips?
"I like Good Times.
"Oh, you took a shot in your lips?
"And you look like Jimmie Walker? Oh, that'd do it.
"Who punched you in the lips? Italian? For what?
"What you mean 'nothing'? Nobody get punched for nothing. What'd you do?
"Don't tell me 'nothing'. You had to do something.
"What did you do? No, don't tell me 'nothing'.
"Nobody gets punched for nothing. What...? Eddie...
"No, don't say 'nothing'. Eddie. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing
"Had to do something
"Motherfucker punched you In the mouth
"Now, what did you do? What?
"Eddie. No... Eddie, then it's something that you did a long time ago.
"Didn't I always tell you, you reap what you sow? Yes.
"What goes around comes around, Eddie.
"Yes, that's why that man punch you in your mouth tonight,
"for something you did a long time ago.
"Yes, Eddie. Well, you give what you get.
"You get what you give. That's why that man...
"Eddie. What do you mean, you don't remember what you did?
"He probably punched you for something you did
"when you was living here.
"I didn't catch everything that you did. I worked all day, you played all day.
"Eddie, who broke that lamp in 1971?
"It was you! Yes, it was. That's why that man kick your ass tonight.
"I'd appreciate if you go up and tell him that your father says 'Thank you.'
"Save me a trip to California. Because you never respect me.
"You never listen to what I tell you to do.
"I put rules on the refrigerator and you never obey my rules.
"Me and your mother want respect.
"You, Charlie and Vernon could not respect me and your mother.
"All we wanted was some respect. All we asked for was a little respect.
"How come you can't respect me? How come?
"I'm a man. I want respect. I want respect, Eddie.
"What we want Baby, you got it
"What we need I know you got it
"Because all I'm asking
"Is for a little respect, motherfucker
"When you come on home, baby Hold on a minute.
"The kiss is sweeter than honey
"R- E-S-Z-C-P Find out what you mean to me
"R- E-C-C-T-T-P
"Motherfucker, you know how to spell it!
"Respect. You never had no respect for me, Eddie.
"That's why the man kick your ass. And when I was a child,
"I respect my parents. And we didn't have shit. Okay?
"I had shit, Eddie. Me and my brothers and sisters didn't have shit.
"I had 11 brothers and sisters, Eddie. My father made 13 cents a week.
"He worked at the Coleco toy factory, Eddie, and made 13 cents a week.
"That's not a lot of money when you have 11 children.
"We didn't have all the fancy things like you, Charlie and Vernon.
"We didn't have fancy luxuries like food.
"What the fuck you gonna eat on 13 cents a week?
"We had to eat whatever my father brought home from work.
"We ate the toys, Eddie.
"We ate the toys and we never complained,
"because my mother could cook her ass off.
"My mother get some hot sauce and some salt and pepper,
"make a Tonka truck taste so delicious.
"The wheels will melt in your mouth, Eddie.
"And you appreciate it. You never complained.
"It was all for one and one for all. We stuck together.
"I only hurt my brothers and sisters once.
"I came home from school and my mother had made
"a birthday feast for my father.
"She had cooked and slaved over the stove all day
"and made enough food for 13 people to feast on
"for my father for his birthday and I sat down and ate it all by myself.
"I ate it all, Eddie, by myself. And my father came inside the kitchen,
"put his little birthday hat on and he looked at all the children.
"He had a tear in his eye and he said,
'Which one of you kids sat down
'and ate a whole fucking game of Monopoly by yourself? '
"And I ate it all, Eddie!
"Boardwalk, Park Place, Illinois Avenue,
"the shoe, the boat, the hat, the cannon,
"Connecticut Avenue, Luxury Tax,
"Eddie, I even ate those cheap purple motherfuckers after 'Go'...
"...that nobody buys. I ate them.
"I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue. Yes, I did.
"I did, and I sat down and ate my father's birthday cake too.
"No, we couldn't afford a cake.
"It was two Etch-A-Sketches on top of each other.
"Two Etch... Etch-A-Sketch cake. That's right.
"We couldn't afford no icing,
"so my mother would write 'Happy Birthday Pop' on the Etch-A-Sketch.
"Know how you made a wish? You shook it till the words disappeared,
"then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch.
"And that was your birthday cake. And we never complained.
"We were happy to get that. All for one and one for all.
"We would get dressed to go to school. Let me tell you about our clothes.
"We had to wear whatever my father brought home from work, Eddie.
"We wore the toys!
"Each day my mother would wake up and open 11 Twister games, Eddie.
"She would roll the Twister mats on the floor.
"Me and my 11 brothers and sisters
"would wrap the Twister mats around our body like a suit.
"Then we get a Hot Wheels racetrack and put that around our waist as a belt.
"And if there was no Hot Wheels, we used Johnny Lightning.
"And if there was no Johnny Lightning, we ripped up a Hula Hoop
"and put that around our waist. But we went to school, goddamn it.
"Other children would make fun of us because we got on Twister suits.
"And it's no fun to get your ass kicked in a Twister mat.
"Right foot, blue. Left hand, red, Eddie. It was a goddamn game to these kids.
"I'm standing on the corner,
"a motherfucker is spinning the spinner and kicking my ass, Eddie.
"Then I gotta go to school and watch the other children eat real food.
"I gotta watch them eat peanut butter and jelly, bologna and Swiss,
"ham and cheese. I got a goddamn Silly Putty sandwich.
"Then, for dessert, they're gonna pull out a Hostess cupcake
"and I gotta eat a goddamn Slinky?
"A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie, I ate so many Slinkys,
"every time I hear the motherfucking Slinky song,
"it make me sick to my stomach.
"They walk downstairs Alone and in pairs
"And make a clinkety sound
"A thing, a thing, a marvelous thing Everyone knows it's Slinky
"A Slinky, a Slinky A wonderful, wonderful toy
"A Slinky, a Slinky They're fun for a girl and a boy"
Bye-bye, I gotta go. Thank you.
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