ZiMuZu.tv
Look, this is a perfect chance
to get you kids some nice church shoes.
Mom!
What do we need church shoes for?
Jesus wore sandals.
Well, maybe if he had better arch support
they wouldn't have caught him.
Look, Homer, there's that bird you like to argue with.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't professor know-it-all.
Excuse me, Marge.
They need a good, stiff, all-purpose dress shoe.
Something for church,
but also for doctors' appointments--
dental check-ups
piano recitals, building dedications
visiting elderly relatives
haircuts and shoe shopping.
Well, we have a brown shoe.
Did you hear that, kids?
Brown!
Oh, rats!
Talk about bad luck.
I forgot to wear socks today.
Guess I can't try those on.
No problem.
You can wear the store sock.
Would you mind lacing them up, kid?
I have a bad back.
If you didn't want to tie shoes
you shouldn't have become a shoe salesman.
That's where you're wrong, pal.
It's not enough to want a cracker.
You have to earn it.
Mom, these are at least two sizes too big.
Perfect. You'll grow into them.
When?
Oh, you're both way overdue for a spurt.
Excuse me, ma'am, do you like to laugh?
Oh, yes.
As long as it's tasteful...
And never at someone, or with... And not...
Excuse me, sir, do you like to laugh?
Why, yes. Yes, I do.
Well, then you'll love our comedy festival.
It's for a good cause.
A rest home for pirates?
No, dad. It's to fight soil erosion.
Now that's a fight I want to be a part of.
Hey, somebody screwed up bad.
You've got all these big comics lined up for your show
But there's no Krusty.
Who?
Krusty the Clown.
Funniest man alive?
Prince of pies? The sultan of seltzer?
Excuse me, sir, do you like to laugh?
Well, only if something tickles me just right.
Excuse me, I'm looking for someone named...
Jay Leno.
Somebody want to get this kid a tv?
Gee, thanks, mister.
Just joking.
I'm Jay Leno.
So what can I do for you?
Well, if you're running the show,
how could you leave out Krusty the Clown?
Krusty the Clown.
That takes me back.
Didn't he die in a grease fire?
No, he's alive
And he is so funny, you could plotz--
At least according to his press release.
Well, if he's half as alive
as you say he is, he's in.
Charity? What's my cut?
Nothing?
I make more than that taking a shvitz.
Hey, hey, happy birthday.
Now get them out of here.
He seems reluctant.
Tell him it will count towards his community service.
All right, I'll do it.
Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks
and you're paying for it the rest of your life.
I finally got around to reading the dictionary.
Turns out the zebra did it.
I don't get it.
Dad, the zebra didn't do it.
It's just a word at the end of the dictionary.
I still don't get it.
It's just a joke.
Oh, I get it.
I get jokes.
Hey, hey, it's Krusty the Clown.
Hey, hey, it's... you.
Right? Yeah. And this guy,
with all the jokes he does.
You're the reason I went into comedy.
If it weren't for you, I'd be a doctor.
Yeah, yeah, right. Thanks.
I got my period today.
Oh, good lord.
Plus I got this new boyfriend.
And you know how it is when you're kissing a guy
with a tongue stud.
Yes! Oh, god, yes!
It's time for something special--
The man Spencer Tracy called
the most promising newcomer of 1959--
please put your hands together for
Krusty the Clown!
Krusty!
Hey, hey!
So... how about those TV dinners?
I tried one the other day.
Lightning strikes.
The peach cobbler goes out.
Cobbler...
The other thing about TV dinners
you don't have leftovers, you have reruns.
TV dinner jokes?
Ooh, take that, Swanson's.
Didn't like that one?
Well...
Me so solly!
Ah, so.
What's he going to do next--
the flapping dickey?
Uh-oh, I'm losing them.
Time for the "A" material.
Ah so. Ah so.
Me-a lika da flied lice...
Me flappa dickey rong time...
Hey, Krusty, great set.
Are you kidding?
I stunk up the joint.
No, no. I was talking to Lisa back there.
We both agreed; you killed.
Really?
Lisa, huh?
Oh, sure, there were a lot of laughs.
You probably couldn't hear them.
The acoustics were so bad.
Yeah, the acoustics, that's what it was.
I mean... me so solly!
Yeah, I was great.
Did you get a load of Corpsy the Clown?
That guy cheapens our whole profession.
What do you think of him, internet comic?
Guys, keep it down.
Five minutes, Krusty.
Oh, I ain't going back out there.
No. Five minutes to get your stuff and get out.
Where is that stinking monkey?
About time.
Give me those reviews!
"Last night's comedy benefit delivered wall-to-wall laughs
without exception."
"The only exception was the embarrassingly dated humor
Of springfield's green-haired, red-nosed hack..."
"Krusty the Clown"!
They say any publicity is good publicity.
You, sir, are an idiot.
That's your answer to everything.
Look at my life.
I'm talking to a monkey and a...
I don't know what the hell you are.
You can be so cruel when you're sober.
Well, I'll fix that.
I'm going on the bender to end all benders.
What did he say, Lisa? What did he say?
He said there's no shame in their forbidden love.
Oh... Diego's not going to like that.
Oh, Raul!
"Take me here, under the disco ball."
Beep! Beep! Clear the couch!
It's Krusty time.
And now, here's Krusty.
I'm Kent Brockman the clown
filling in for Krusty the clown who didn't come in today.
He is presumed dead or on vacation.
Today's top joke:
It seems a local moron threw his clock out the window.
We'll tell you why right after this.
Oh, this sucks.
I am out of here.
A clown.
Do you think he's evil?
He smells evil.
Should we tell daddy?
No. Let's poke him a little while longer.
Hey, get away from him, you little freaks!
?Sorry.??
It hurts to talk.
We'll have to work out a system of blinks.
Not you, you imbecile.
What were you drinking, gasoline?
Yes, I was drinking gasoline, mother.
Krusty?
Hang on, kid.
I got a tack in my head.
That's one of your posters.
I got all the Krusty stuff.
Man, look at all the crap with my face on it.
"Krusty's personal swabs"?
What was I thinking?
All these years, I should have been working on my act
but I was too busy selling out.
Now I'm just a tired old hack.
Ah, that burns!
What the hell's on those things?
Here, quick! Use my Krusty eyewash!
No! Not on your life!
Thanks for coming, Jay.
Krusty really needs help.
Oh, no question--
I got to freshen up my act.
Jay, you're a professional comedian, right? Right?
Answer me!
Yes! Now stop squirming.
I'm trying to get these tangles out.
They are just impossible.
Well, they are.
Anyway, don't you have some advice for krusty?
Well, these days people like observational humor
about things they deal with in everyday life.
Oh, yeah, you mean like when your lazy butler washes
your sock garters,
and they're still covered with shmutz?
Well... kind of,
but more universal
and maybe lose the "Me so solly" bit.
Hey! Let's not tamper with a classic.
Shut up, kid.
Come on, Leno-- tamper, teach, impart.
Dad!
Whoops! Sorry, son.
I didn't know you, Jay Leno
and a monkey were bathing a clown.
Well, they are.
So make with the loofah or get out.
Then, of course, there's mom
Who sounds something like this.
Eat your vegetables.
Take a sweater.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Take that, Marge.
Thank you, thank you.
And now, the all-new comedy stylings of...
Krusty the clown!
Krusty!
Where's my water? Oh, here it is.
All right.
Hello. I'm a real person.
And as a real person, I've made
some humorous observations about real life.
For example, have you ever noticed
how there are two phone books--
a white one and a yellow one?
I mean, what's the deal with that?
One's residential, the other is business.
Well, that makes sense.
What'll they think of next, blue pages?
They have those.
They're government listings.
I see.
What about two-cent stamps?
Pizza pie is very hot these days.
Can't open pickle jars, no mail on Sunday.
Out of paper towels.
What's the deal with cardboard?
All right, let's just move on to notebook two.
I've really got to get dinner started.
- Me, too. - I also have to go.
Krusty, the acoustics in here...
I appreciate the effort, kid.
But there's only one thing left for me to do.
Thank you for coming.
*Smart lads, who slip betimes away*
*From fields where glory will not stay*
*Runners whom the race outran*
*And the name died before the man*
Krusty, does this have a point?
Yes.
I'm quitting show business.
I was just trying to go out
with a little class, you jackass!
But Krusty, why now?
Why not 20 years ago?
'cause comedy ain't funny anymore.
Instead of time-tested jokes
about women drivers and doctor bills.
You got some big-chinned schlub reading typos
from the Palookaville post.
Well, here's a headline for you:
"Nobody cares."
Hey! I washed your hair.
These comics today:
"Ooh, look at me."
"I can't set my VCR."
"I can't open a bag of airline peanuts."
"I'm a freakin' moron!"
Krusty's gone nuts.
Then you got these lady comics,
talking about stuff that would embarrass Redd Foxx--
God rest his smutty soul--
Who they slept with, what time they sit on the can.
This is supposed to get you a husband?!
What the hell are you laughing at?
I'm just telling the truth.
And it's funny!
It is?
In that case, I am proud to announce,
my triumphant return to comedy.
Four-drink minimum?
I'll cover you, honey.
Hi. How you folks doing?
I'm Moe.
Or, as the ladies like to call me,
"Hey you, behind the bushes."
Is this thing on?
No! Sorry, Moe!
And now, without further Apu,
I have been zinged, and I love it.
The last angry clown,
the man who spews truth from every orifice,
ladies and gentlemen...
Krusty.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, I'm watching TV today.
TV! Yeah!
All I keep seeing
is dead celebrities hawking products.
They got poor Vincent Price floating around on a toilet cake.
Telling me about the horrors of an unfresh bowl.
And I tell you something else.
I do not believe,
Winston churchill would eat at Der Wienerschnitzel.
There's nothing those Madison Avenue grave robbers
won't do to get us to buy their crap.
Impeach Churchill!
Well, here's one dollar.
Those crooks aren't going to get their hands on.
Isn't that illegal?
I don't care if it is illegal, I'm making a stand here.
Who's with me?
I am. I worked like a dog for this.
You're burning it all wrong, Seymour.
It's my allowance, mother.
And I'll burn it the way I want.
Take that, you greedy fat cats.
Marge, give me your purse.
Here's $42, it's everything I have.
Run home and bury it in the yard.
I love you, mom.
They're hanging on his every word.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
I hope so.
I thought I made myself clear in Boston.
From now on, I'm going to be
just like Krusty and tell it like it is.
Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs.
Dad!
You, too, Bart.
Knock it off, homer.
You're the fattest one in the car.
You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge.
I'm proud of you, Krusty.
Sure, I've got material success,
My own show, acres of cars,
A nice microwave oven.
But you're out there on the edge.
You're doing it for the sheer thrill.
And if I wasn't so afraid of clowns
I'd give you a big hug.
Excuse me, Krusty.
We've been watching you at Moe's all week.
And your credibility is just... wow.
Get to the point, Armani.
Well, we think you'd be the perfect spokesman
for our company's new sports utility vehicle, the Canyonero.
I guess you Wall Street weasels didn't get the word.
Krusty's not for sale.
But you endorse everything.
In fact, this endorsement contract
comes from your line of legal forms.
It's a quality form
but those days are behind me.
I don't shill for nobody no more.
Are you sure?
Because we're prepared to offer you a free
fully loaded Canyonero.
Well...
No! Take your corporate blood wagon
and get the hell out.
Are you sure? It's free.
Stop saying that!
I brought a bag of money
in case he wants us to burn it again.
I hope he tells us to burn our pants.
These things are driving me nuts.
So this afternoon
two suits come up to me and ask me to endorse
some new sports utility vehicle.
What'd you do?
Don't you hate pants?
I threw those two creeps out on their ass.
Then, they followed me home, begging me to take a test drive
And let me tell you--
Talk about roomy!
The Canyonero combines the smooth handling
of a european sports car with the rugged drivability
of a Sturdy 4 x 4.
What?
krusty, what are you talking about?
I thought you said those guys were creeps.
Yeah, but that was before I got to know them.
And I'm telling you
the Canyonero is the Cadillac of automobiles.
That's Canyonero.
Wait! Where you going?
I still got plenty of beefs.
Fat-free yogurt.
Th-the quality of computer porn.
I knew I should have gone on first.
I don't get it, Krusty.
You said you would never be a shill again.
I learned something about myself tonight, kid.
It ain't comedy that's in my blood.
It's selling out.
Come on, I'll give you a ride home.
This is roomy.
*Can you name the truck with four-wheel drive*
*Smells like a steak, and seats 35*
*Canyonero*
*Well it goes real slow with the hammer down*
*It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown*
*Canyonero*
The federal highway commission
has ruled the Canyonero unsafe
for highway or city driving.
* Canyonero *