1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:09,040 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:26,120 APPLAUSE 3 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 4 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:40,680 Hello and welcome to Have I Got 30 Years For You. 5 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:42,040 Well, Paul, 30 years. 6 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,840 That's a remarkable achievement for any TV show. 7 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:45,960 Absolutely, and I think 8 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,360 it's really seeped into the public consciousness. 9 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:49,640 I was watching an episode 10 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:52,080 of Richard Osman's House Of Games the other day. 11 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:57,240 And one of the contestants was asked, "Which popular TV quiz show 12 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,720 "started in 1990 and features as team captains Ian Hislop 13 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,760 "and Paul Merton, and give the name of the programme in reverse order?" 14 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:05,880 And without a moment's hesitation, 15 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,320 the contestant said, "Stars Shooting". 16 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:10,080 LAUGHTER 17 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,720 If you think that's tragic, I was watching The Chase... 18 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,200 That is tragic. Yeah! 19 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:23,560 And the question was, "Which Ian has been editor 20 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:27,600 "of a satirical magazine for over 30 years - Ian who?" 21 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,280 And the contestant said again, just like that, 22 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:32,240 "Ian Himmler". 23 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,960 And is that the right answer? It is, yeah! 24 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,240 COMICAL MUSIC 25 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,080 That is Jeffrey Archer, in fact. 26 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:05,960 He's talking about railways, about which he knows a great deal, 27 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,560 having handed over £2,000 in notes 28 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,720 to a prostitute on a railway station. 29 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,200 BOTH: Allegedly! 30 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,680 I was very aware of it. I mean, everybody was. 31 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,240 It was a kind of radical... 32 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,720 ..landscape-changing thing. 33 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,640 Paul and Gill, what have you come up with for this? 34 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:30,200 "Take that, you old bag!" 35 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:34,240 I am genuinely interested in politics and news 36 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,280 and current affairs, so... 37 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,000 And I obviously like a laugh, 38 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,520 so it's always been one of my favourite shows. 39 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:42,800 Some irresponsible vandal has had the audacity 40 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:46,280 to paint a Hitler moustache on the portrait of Mrs Thatcher. 41 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:49,600 Must be the first time she's been touched up since Cecil left. 42 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:55,280 I just thought it was so great to have a panel show like that 43 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,400 that was about something 44 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:01,800 a) I was really interested in, but b), that wasn't just knob jokes. 45 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,280 There is a connection with arms deals, 46 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:06,400 and I'd better be slightly careful here. 47 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,360 Maxwell was a crook and an arms dealer 48 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:09,960 and he's dead and he can't sue. 49 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:15,880 At that moment in time, I would have found it inconceivable 50 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:20,360 that any comedy show, particularly a panel show, would run for 30 years. 51 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,480 I'm sitting here with a tub of lard, 52 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,120 trying to answer questions in German! 53 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:29,960 Nobody lets you stay on TV for 30 years just out of charity. 54 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,280 You've got to be good. 55 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:36,680 So that's what we call back home "sustained excellence". 56 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,080 And the winner is Have I Got News For You. 57 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:45,720 It could not have existed at all. The pilot was terrible, apparently. 58 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:48,600 You can't really imagine that when you see it now. 59 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:55,120 The News Quiz had been running 13 years 60 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,640 when somebody had the idea 61 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,760 for doing a thing a bit like it on television. 62 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,040 Good evening and welcome to Newsround. In the news this week... 63 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:04,120 I knew John Lloyd 64 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,880 because I'd worked as a writer on Spitting Image 65 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,120 and I knew he was absolutely brilliant, you know, 66 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:10,720 one of the great producers. 67 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,080 And I thought, you know, "This'll probably be good". 68 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:16,400 And now a round to test our contestants' in-depth knowledge 69 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,840 of the House of Commons, as we ask them to name that member. 70 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:22,160 For you, Paul and Simon... 71 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:25,800 Sometimes something can start off quite out of focus, 72 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,200 which is what it was. 73 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,360 It was a bit blurry, 74 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:30,640 nobody really knowing what they were meant to be doing. 75 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,200 The format didn't embrace the idea 76 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,800 we were going to do a TV show, it was all very verbal. 77 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:38,120 Three members of the House who happily share a name 78 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,480 with three world-famous generals. 79 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:42,720 It's Bernard Rommel, I know that. 80 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,640 LAUGHTER 81 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,480 I'd never read an autocue before. 82 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:52,360 The thing that was really difficult was that these spontaneous jokes 83 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,200 were actually coming at you on a string, 84 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,960 and I wasn't a good enough actor. 85 00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:00,480 Well, it's Richard Alexander, I have to give, um... 86 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,440 Richard Alexander, I don't know, where's he from? 87 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:04,560 Newark, that's right. 88 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,800 My late mother, who came to see it, 89 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,560 I sort of bounded up afterwards to see what she thought 90 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,440 and she said, "Never mind, dear." 91 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,240 Goodnight. 92 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,360 I said to Jimmy Mulville afterwards, 93 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:27,480 "I don't think this is me, get somebody else." 94 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,040 I think if you trust the people making the show 95 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:34,040 and you feel there's potential for it 96 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,120 and the pilot goes wrong, 97 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,080 I like to think... I have this phrase, 98 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,320 "Failing to succeed". 99 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:42,320 If you're going to succeed, you need to know about failure. 100 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:46,240 They then had to hold a couple of auditions 101 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:50,640 and get people to come in and do a sort of dry run of it, I suppose. 102 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,200 We auditioned Angus, we auditioned Sandi Toksvig. 103 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,840 We even auditioned Chris Evans before he became Chris Evans. 104 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:57,320 When they suggested 105 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:02,000 this pretty obscure radio guy and voice-over guy called Angus Deayton, 106 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,480 they'd go, "Who?" 107 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:08,440 So, put your feet up, take the phone off the hook and... 108 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,840 ..put your feet up. 109 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:13,520 At the time, Angus was best known 110 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,560 for playing presenters on sketch shows. 111 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,440 I mean, he was really good at acting the presenter of a show. 112 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,840 Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. 113 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:26,160 As Iraq runs short of medical supplies, 114 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:29,280 patients waiting for pacemakers are forced to improvise. 115 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:34,280 When Angus stepped into that chair, the first time I saw him, I thought, 116 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,800 "He's much better than me. He's so good." 117 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:40,520 It's Bill Clinton's stated plan to send a peace envoy to Belfast. 118 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,920 Clinton said that Americans want to put an end to violence in Ulster. 119 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,080 Well, they could stop paying for it, for a start. 120 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:49,960 He could have been on the board of an advertising company. 121 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,560 He was suave, he was cool 122 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:56,720 and he read the autocue like it was coming out of his head. 123 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,000 He was perfect. 124 00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,240 So it's goodbye from me, 125 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,720 and it looks like it could be goodbye from her. 126 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,000 Poppycock. 127 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,000 Angus was a very strong part 128 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:09,320 of the trio that was making the show every week. 129 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,840 And he was a perfect foil, particularly for Paul. 130 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:18,280 And every now and again, he and Paul would have an off-script engagement. 131 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,240 Leslie Nielsen... Nice suit. 132 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,720 LAUGHTER 133 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,320 I always think brown is tremendously underrated. 134 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:34,240 It was constructed as a sitcom, that was the genius, 135 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:39,280 where Angus Deayton was the father figure, the authority figure, 136 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:43,160 and Ian was the good son who'd done his homework and knew everything, 137 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,760 and Paul was the wayward son 138 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:46,920 who'd been smoking round the back of the bike sheds. 139 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:50,600 I'm just going to blow my nose to get make sure this gets edited out. 140 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,720 I'll just carry on saying it, then. 141 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,280 Brown suit, brown suit. 142 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:58,840 LAUGHTER 143 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:03,920 Right, where were we? We were talking about your brown suit. 144 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,840 But they would both kick against his authority in the middle. 145 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,040 Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have already been dubbed, 146 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,320 within the Labour Party, "the beautiful people", 147 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,480 but then given their main rivals are Margaret Beckett and Robin Cook, 148 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:19,720 it's not that surprising. 149 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:22,080 They're not auditioning for Baywatch, Angus. 150 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:25,120 It's their job to lead the Labour Party. 151 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,760 Well, they're the ones who were dubbed "the beautiful people". 152 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,600 Sorry, I can't do anything about it. 153 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,160 No, you carry on with your lookist rubbish. 154 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,360 Go on, say Robin Cook looks like a garden gnome, 155 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:38,880 I bet that's coming up. 156 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,000 Robin Cook, of course, looks like a garden gnome. 157 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,720 It was to do with, somehow, 158 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:48,600 education, class, where you come from, also competition. 159 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,480 They were competing with each other. 160 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,440 There was a story about a man called Paul Merson 161 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:58,840 taking a huge amount of cocaine and appearing drugged in public, 162 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:01,520 which, understandably, a lot of people thought 163 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,200 was TV's own Paul Merton. 164 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:06,800 It always had an edge, the relationship. 165 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:10,040 There was a thing going around that it was me for a while. 166 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:13,080 My wife got phoned up last week in the middle of the night... 167 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,320 I'm sorry, I am so sorry. 168 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:17,640 Did he ring her? 169 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,520 No, don't apologise, it wasn't a problem. 170 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,320 I think originally, Paul thought, and he probably still does think, 171 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:33,320 that I was just another classic Oxbridge stuffed shirt twit 172 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:38,040 who hadn't done his time in comedy and didn't really know anything. 173 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:39,520 "Oh, how poash. 174 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,880 "More tea, vicar?" 175 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,840 That's a lovely impression you have... That's you. 176 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,320 "I went to Oxford, don't you know? 177 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:52,360 "We walked through the quadrangle with our mortarboards on." 178 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,960 I thought it was important for me and Ian 179 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,280 to have a rivalry as team captains. 180 00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:58,840 So I said to Ian very early on, 181 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:03,080 I suggested that we should play the quiz element seriously, 182 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:06,440 which he was... He didn't need any persuasion on that. 183 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,960 That's how he saw it, 184 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:11,000 and he does indeed still play the quiz element very seriously, 185 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,400 which is a shame 186 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,960 because he very rarely wins. 187 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:18,960 Do him tonight. Turn the bastard over. I mean, what's he got? 188 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,240 Nothing! Metalwork O-Level? 189 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:23,280 And what have you got? A grounding in the classics. 190 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:26,480 Greek, Latin, ancient history! 191 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:30,000 The dynamic between Angus and the other two was kind of odder, 192 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,440 but of course it gave a flavour to the show. 193 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,080 And so to our Odd One Out Round 194 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,480 in which a monkey with a pin has a one in four chance 195 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:39,000 of getting it right, so let's see how he does. Paul... 196 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,840 LAUGHTER 197 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,720 I think if you've got a bit of acid in the mix 198 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,960 and you can keep it under control so that nobody gets cross or sulks 199 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:53,280 or shows it on camera, you've got a very good mix. 200 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:56,040 It's always a good idea to analyse what you're doing. 201 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:59,360 Well, if you're a brain surgeon, it is. 202 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,680 Don't analyse what you're doing, for God's sake.No. 203 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:04,000 It'll come down as reading out loud. 204 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:09,400 What was clear with Have I Got News For You early on 205 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,080 was that it was incredibly well produced. 206 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,360 The initial producer was a guy called Harry Thompson. 207 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,840 He was, in a sense, in a classic mould 208 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:19,760 that would go back to the '60s satire boom, 209 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,360 you know, That Was The Week That Was, 210 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:25,200 "We're going to say what we shouldn't say, 211 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,480 "we don't mind whose feathers we ruffle." 212 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,320 And with Paul Merton this week, 213 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,080 we were hoping to be joined by the right honourable Roy Hattersley 214 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:35,200 but sadly, and for the third time in our brief history, 215 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:36,760 he's pulled out at the last minute 216 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,480 due to having something better to do. 217 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:41,400 So as his replacement, liable to give much the same performance 218 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,440 and imbued with many of the same qualities, 219 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,840 we're delighted to welcome a tub of lard. 220 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:53,640 Right from the early days when Harry Thompson was the producer 221 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,360 and put the tub of lard on, 222 00:11:55,360 --> 00:12:00,320 there is an element of just, "Let's do this and see what happens. 223 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,280 "Let's just shake this up, let's have a go at this." 224 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:07,200 In his MacTaggart Lecture this year, John Birt praised this programme... 225 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,480 ..said the puffed-up little twat. 226 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,120 Most of the time, we talk about the risks you take in comedy. 227 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,120 This time, we were actually taking a bit of a risk with a man's life 228 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:27,560 because Salman Rushdie had written The Satanic Verses 229 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,160 and there was a fatwa out on him 230 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,000 which seemed to give licence to anyone to kill him 231 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,040 if they wanted to. 232 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:35,080 I think this is Raymond Illingworth's bid 233 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:38,240 to ban God or at least God's chaplain from the dressing room. 234 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,560 I think there's not much to be said about that. 235 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,640 He should be sentenced to death. Mm. 236 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:50,280 Jimmy Mulville said that there was one show very early on 237 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,000 when I was sitting next to Robert Harris 238 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:57,560 when the missing word was, "I made Maggie blank," said Nigel. 239 00:12:57,560 --> 00:13:00,080 "I made Thatcher what, boasts Nigel"? 240 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,000 Swallow. 241 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,000 LAUGHTER 242 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,360 APPLAUSE 243 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,000 Jimmy said that hit the note 244 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,560 that we should... not necessarily be that rude, 245 00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,120 but that sort of irreverence 246 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,320 is something that we should probably pursue. 247 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:23,520 People say to me, 248 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,440 "How are you allowed to be that rude about the Government?" 249 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:30,920 And I explain to them, "This is the point of being in Britain. 250 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,560 "This is one of the freedoms we have." 251 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,440 The suicide pact will be enforced if the Tory rebels have their way, 252 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,000 although if John Major did try and blow his own brains out, 253 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,960 he'd have to be a bloody good shot. 254 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:44,520 That's not kind at all.No, no. It was quite funny, though, wasn't it? 255 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,000 I think that's maybe one of the reasons why it's endured so long. 256 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,560 It doesn't feel didactic, actually, 257 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:56,640 which a lot of political comedy just feels like, 258 00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,400 "I'm going to take you from this position of ignorance 259 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:01,920 "to the correct position," 260 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:05,200 whereas they seem neither merely political nor just silly. 261 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,480 On which note, I leave you with news that at a crowded London party, 262 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,120 someone shouts, "Oi, dickhead!" across the room. 263 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,120 I've said to politicians in the past... 264 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,680 They've said, "I thought I'd have a go at Ian". 265 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:21,120 Don't have a go at Ian, honestly, 266 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:24,880 because he'll come back at you and he'll make you look silly. 267 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:28,120 What is possible at the Ritz? Anything. Dinners. 268 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:29,840 Dinners, no. 269 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,120 The grammar's not good there, "Dinners is possible". 270 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:37,400 Grammar's not the strong point of Private Eye. 271 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:41,640 He edits a magazine, you can't expect him to know these things. 272 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:45,000 I know, he's made me a cover girl. What did we say? 273 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,680 Oh, that was it, you were saying, 274 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,560 "What would it take to make you resign?" 275 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:51,120 and he said, "About 10 grand in a brown envelope." 276 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,120 Grammar all right there for you? I think so! 277 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:04,800 Ian's forensic and quite moral analysis of events 278 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:06,920 always feels worth listening to. 279 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,560 They found you guilty, didn't they, Conrad, the jury? 280 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,760 Er... nine acquittals, 281 00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,520 complimented by unanimous vacation of the four guilty verdicts 282 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:17,440 by the of the Supreme Court of the US... But two stuck, didn't they, 283 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,440 one for fraud and one for obstruction of justice. 284 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:21,920 No, no, no, Ian, please... 285 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:26,680 "Oh, stop reciting the verdict as though it was true!" 286 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,240 It's great that there are people like Ian 287 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:37,280 who still have what looks like and very much seems to be integrity. 288 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:38,520 And I have come here... 289 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,880 You've come here to say you're innocent, 290 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:42,720 which is sweet, but not true. 291 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,440 LAUGHTER 292 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,880 The audience wants Ian to tell us, 293 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,560 who are the heroes and villains here, 294 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,800 what do we need to know? 295 00:15:54,800 --> 00:16:00,160 And for Paul to make it all OK by finding a joke or moving it on. 296 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,000 It's all about chads, isn't it, 297 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,600 which is the mark that those punching machines makes. 298 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,720 And the argument at the moment is over dimpled chads. 299 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,040 If there's a good, honest American hole in it, it's a Republican vote. 300 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,200 Yeah! 301 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,000 But if there's a dimple, it's a sort of liberally Democrat... 302 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,040 There's a sitcom in that. 303 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,680 At Home With The Chads. 304 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,200 The hanging chad is like the public hangman. 305 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,040 The swinging chad is the groovy teenager. 306 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:34,520 The tri-chad is in a Chinese gang 307 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:36,960 and the pregnant one is obviously the one who's pregnant. 308 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,720 I'll write it now, actually. 309 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:44,360 Merton has no perceivable run-up, 310 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:47,720 which is very rare in a performer. 311 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:50,000 Most of the time when someone's improvising, 312 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:54,800 you see them scrabble around and you see a sense of cogs whirring 313 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,800 and them trying to reach for the right word 314 00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,800 or to bend the situation to something that will work comically, 315 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,000 whereas his... 316 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,320 ..attack on it seems immediate. 317 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,880 It was really horrid. 318 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:12,920 A 12-year-old boy was chased 200 yards all the way home. 319 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,320 He ran in, slammed the door in the badger's face... 320 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,440 And the badger shot through the cat flap. 321 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,400 The badger held him hostage, got hold of the potato peeler. 322 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,880 The mum came home, the badger overpowered her, 323 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,640 took over her identity and her credit cards... 324 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:28,480 She was locked down in the cellar. 325 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,920 When the husband came home a little bit pissed, he walks in, 326 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:34,200 sees a figure in the bed wearing a negligee, thinks to himself... 327 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,360 .."Is it Friday night already?" 328 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,240 And before you know where he is... 329 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,080 ..he puts the light on and goes, "Oh, my God, I've fucked a badger." 330 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,120 APPLAUSE 331 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,440 The team didn't view it as a big show. 332 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,240 They viewed it as a niche show on BBC Two, 333 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,720 and I viewed it as having the potential 334 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:58,520 to be a mainstream show on BBC One. 335 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,560 Welcome to a brand-new series of Have I Got News For You, 336 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,440 now on BBC One for the first time, 337 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,160 although we'd like to reassure our regular BBC Two viewers 338 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:07,840 that the move to mainstream television 339 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,000 will in no way affect the show's content. 340 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,160 SNAZZY SHOWBIZ MUSIC PLAYS 341 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,000 LAUGHTER 342 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:20,120 Because BBC two was really where edgy comedy had always been 343 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,720 and BBC One was mainstream, and you thought, 344 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,200 "What are we doing on BBC One?" 345 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,000 Ian and Paul were worried, and Angus, 346 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,360 because they thought they'd have to tone down the comedy. 347 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:32,120 And I was like, "No, I want the show exactly the same as it is." 348 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:34,640 It's the war on terror in Afghanistan, 349 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,480 where America's precision bombing of military targets 350 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,280 has intensified with the use of missiles so accurate 351 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:43,680 that they can hit the exact centre of a big Red Cross. 352 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,360 After the first show, the audience was so good 353 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,880 I think everybody's fears were allayed. 354 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,480 It was a hit from the start. 355 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,840 It's Thursday, it's 7 o'clock, it's BBC One 356 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:57,880 and that can mean only one thing. 357 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,120 Yes, we're just half an hour away from EastEnders. 358 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,520 Angus became incredibly famous. 359 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,240 He was Mr Sex, and so in the green room, 360 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:10,000 there'd be half the Manchester United football team, and celebs. 361 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,440 When Angus became famous 362 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:15,120 and started doing adverts for Barclaycard and things like that, 363 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:17,280 they would take the mickey out of him mercilessly. 364 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:18,360 On which note... 365 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,840 AS ANGUS: On which note, we finish the Christmas edition 366 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:25,120 of Have I Got News For You but first, in Reading... 367 00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:28,160 ..police are worried that Oliver Reed's drinks cabinet 368 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,520 has flooded once again. 369 00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,080 LAUGHTER 370 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,720 He was very robust. He knew what he was doing. 371 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:42,040 He wouldn't be thrown by me saying, "Are you still here?", 372 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,480 or whatever it was. 373 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,960 I don't think anyone really disliked each other. 374 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,760 I mean, I still, you know, 375 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:52,520 when there isn't a major pandemic sweeping the world, 376 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,680 go and have a Guinness with Paul afterwards, 377 00:19:55,680 --> 00:20:00,520 because we always used to in the early days. And... 378 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:04,720 ..I mean, I was very friendly with Angus. 379 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,760 Er... 380 00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:09,440 And, um... 381 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:13,480 Obviously, not any more, sadly. 382 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:17,360 Of course, what happened in the end was tragic. 383 00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,680 Do you think there's people here that come every week... 384 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:21,360 Yeah, I'm one of them. 385 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,640 And that fellow over there looks familiar. 386 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,160 I'm not sure who he is, but I think he's here every week and all. 387 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,800 There used to be another guy, I don't know what happened to him. 388 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:40,720 Usually when there's a bad story about to break, 389 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:44,160 you'd know that it was going to be in the daily paper the next day. 390 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:48,520 So I got a call the evening before, 391 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:53,000 saying that there was going to be a story about Angus in the papers. 392 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:58,960 So there we were, just sort of like looking at this 393 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,760 in absolute amazement, astonishment. 394 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,760 We decided that, you know, 395 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:09,600 what was happening was happening between consenting adults. 396 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,920 And this was an adult programme, 397 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:18,320 so we would let Angus continue in the role. 398 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:23,200 But I remember looking him and his agent in the eye and saying, 399 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:26,320 "Tell me whether there's anything else to come out," 400 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,240 and they both said there wasn't. 401 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:32,520 I rang Angus and told him, "We're going to do the show this week 402 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:36,160 "and we will prepare the show and it will not involve this story. 403 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,800 "The script will not have this story in it." 404 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,880 I couldn't guarantee what Paul and Ian would say. 405 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,160 That's a man having his chips, 406 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,000 trying to join the Labour Party, probably. That's Ken. 407 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,440 I think this is a thing about party funding. 408 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,360 This has been one story of the week, 409 00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:53,680 but the one I'm really interested in, Angus... 410 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,400 I mean, we'd been incredibly rude 411 00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,160 about any other celebrity caught up in anything similar, 412 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,400 and we would have to do the same with him. 413 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:04,720 Now, you and this prostitute... Mm. 414 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,320 How did you manage to get off paying her? 415 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:14,160 Er, she didn't tell me that she was a prostitute. She didn't tell you? 416 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:18,400 The idea was, he's got to be given a hard time, get through that, 417 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,360 show him having a bit of a hard time. 418 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:27,040 Then we can come out the other side of this and we can then carry on. 419 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,480 I don't want to dwell on this, but... 420 00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:37,000 "He made me groan all night." 421 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:41,480 What were you doing, reading the autocue? 422 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:47,240 You know, I ripped in fairly early on in round one, 423 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,920 but there was no way we could not do it. 424 00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:52,040 Is that it, or do you want to... 425 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,200 Because obviously, there was another question... 426 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,920 Apparently, there's a world war breaking out in India. 427 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,640 So the ethics committee that you were talking about... 428 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,080 Angus wanted to focus on making the show, 429 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,040 even if there were photographers outside the building 430 00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:08,760 waiting to snap him coming out. 431 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:12,400 He was aware it wasn't going to be comfortable. 432 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,920 I just don't think he was aware 433 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,720 of just how uncomfortable it was going to be. 434 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:22,160 Sorry. Thank goodness I took a line of coke before I came on. 435 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,920 KEN LIVINGSTONE: I felt so sorry for Angus 436 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,960 with all this eruption in his career. 437 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,840 So I wasn't going to be jumping in. 438 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,680 So if you look back at that, 439 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,680 I can't think of any other episode where I said so little. 440 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:42,320 You did describe yourself as a model of New Labour conformity. 441 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:44,920 Really?Mm. Oh, what was I on at the time? 442 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,120 Angus can sort you out. Yeah! 443 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,720 Shall I quit while I'm down? 444 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:56,840 I was amazed that Angus turned up. 445 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,840 And I thought he handled it really well. 446 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:02,520 I think it's very bad to have brought the newspapers on. 447 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,160 Imagine going to that kind of effort. 448 00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:05,560 I was as guilty as Ian 449 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,560 of bringing on the front cover of the News Of The World. 450 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,280 To go to all that kind of effort is just unbelievable. 451 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,880 I think for the viewers, it turned out to be classic! 452 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:25,240 So how many journalists are here still? 453 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,680 I noticed the two people who left earlier. 454 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:30,480 The Daily Mail, the guy from the Mail was sitting here. He's left. 455 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:32,320 Oh, has he?Oh, no. 456 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:34,800 I was hoping to catch up. 457 00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:38,240 Of course, we thought that that was it 458 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,160 and then six months later in October, 459 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:44,080 we discovered that there were more allegations coming out. 460 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,680 And this was when it becomes really difficult to do, 461 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:50,960 because you can't keep making the same jokes every week. 462 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,640 But then if I don't say something or Ian doesn't say something, 463 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:55,000 the guests will say something. 464 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,560 It was a very tidy sum, 465 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,640 a darn sight more than you get paid to be on this programme. 466 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:02,560 Well, they pay what people are worth. 467 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,520 There was a defining moment, for me anyway, 468 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:10,000 when Christine Hamilton got the best of Angus. 469 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:13,640 When he was rude about Neil Hamilton, her husband, 470 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,560 she rounded on him and gave him both barrels. 471 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:20,000 Peter Stringfellow, Piers Morgan, Stephen Fry 472 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,360 and disgraced former Tory MP Neil Hamilton. 473 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:25,040 Wait a moment, would you mind cutting out the word "disgraced" 474 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,480 when you refer to my husband in future?Certainly. I will... 475 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:29,320 I was so furious with him. 476 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:33,640 How dare you? How absolutely dare you, after everything you've done, 477 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,480 how dare YOU use that word about my husband? 478 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,560 If he's disgraced, what are you? 479 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:39,920 Exactly. 480 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,400 Disgraced, I think. 481 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:46,680 Though I haven't banged on about family values 482 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:47,760 for the last seven years. 483 00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:49,320 LAUGHTER 484 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,280 The very small amount of moral high ground 485 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:59,240 that the show needed in order to operate had been taken away. 486 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,400 I mean, that week I rang the BBC and said, 487 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,160 "We can't make the show any more". 488 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,840 We tried to stand by him, 489 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:10,600 but once the show was damaged by what he had done, then he had to go. 490 00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,160 I actually felt very bad about that afterwards, 491 00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:18,200 and I wrote to Angus and I expressed my regret at what had happened. 492 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:22,440 He never responded to the letter. I don't know whether he ever got it. 493 00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:25,760 But I wished him well and said, 494 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:29,200 "I'm sorry for any part that I have unwittingly played." 495 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,080 I thought they might sack the whole show, 496 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:32,960 which would have been understandable. 497 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:36,040 They said, "OK, what are you going to do?" I said, "I've got no idea". 498 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:38,920 "Well, think of something". And that week, I said to Paul Merton, 499 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:41,440 "You always said how easy it is on the show to host the show. 500 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,280 "You said a monkey could do it. 501 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:45,280 "Well, actually, it's your turn this week." 502 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,440 Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. 503 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:49,840 We'd like to apologise 504 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,440 for the recording fault in last week's episode. 505 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:54,200 It should have ended like this. 506 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:55,640 Goodnight. 507 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:59,400 EASTENDERS END-OF-EPISODE DRUMS 508 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,160 Amongst some of the producers, 509 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:04,080 there was a feeling that this might be the end of the show. 510 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:07,480 One producer was really nervous about what it was going to be like 511 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,400 and was talking to me in make-up in such a nervous, anxiety-ridden way, 512 00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:15,840 I said, "Look, can you just sit down somewhere and take a deep breath? 513 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:17,240 "It'll be fine." 514 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:19,760 Were there any other freak happenings in this storm? 515 00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:21,360 Bearded ladies punching people? 516 00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:23,600 Bearded ladies punching people, extra point. 517 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,440 That certainly happened. 518 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,160 It is a different show, isn't it? 519 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,160 That didn't happen under the old regime. 520 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:37,880 There were a few journalists amongst the audience in the studio audience, 521 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:42,560 ready to write down, "Have I Got News For You flops, end of series." 522 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:44,960 That was me. Yes, that's right. 523 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:46,000 This... 524 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:47,320 HE STUMBLES OVER NEXT WORD 525 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:48,360 LAUGHTER 526 00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:51,520 Next! Are you new at this? I am, yes. 527 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:53,960 This is... The discovery of Saddam Hussein. 528 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,360 LAUGHTER 529 00:27:56,360 --> 00:27:59,520 I have absolutely no desire to sit in the chair. 530 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:01,800 I don't think I'd do it very well. 531 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:06,840 No, I'm sure I wouldn't do it very well and... Oh, of course you would. 532 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,920 Sorry, I totally missed that cue. Your timing is so terrible. 533 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,440 I totally missed that cue, I really am sorry. 534 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:13,480 So until next week, 535 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:16,120 when someone else will be sitting in this chair - 536 00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:17,920 my money's on Sooty - goodnight. 537 00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:19,440 That's what I needed to do. 538 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:23,320 I needed to demonstrate that somebody else can host this show. 539 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:27,200 The following week, I rang up Anne Robinson, who I knew, 540 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:30,040 and she was the Queen of Mean at the time on The Weakest Link 541 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:31,720 and probably the most famous, 542 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:34,440 one of the most famous faces on British television, 543 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:36,640 and she jumped at it because she's a journalist. 544 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:39,360 Do you want me to recap on the scores at this point? 545 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:40,800 Do what you like, love. 546 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:44,840 We've got a lot of people to see, so if you can keep it coming. 547 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:48,040 For me, it was fantastic 548 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:50,960 because she'd been one of Robert Maxwell's great defenders, 549 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:55,560 and here was someone who was still banging on 550 00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:57,600 about how this terrific crook 551 00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:01,160 who'd made my life miserable by suing me every five minutes 552 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:02,680 was suddenly on the show. 553 00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:04,200 It was great! 554 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:08,160 You used to get 250 grand from Robert Maxwell.Yes, indeed, I did. 555 00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:12,240 Still, he's dead now, isn't he? He is indeed, thank goodness. 556 00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:15,920 That's not what you said afterwards. 557 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,800 And I suddenly thought, "Oh, I see. 558 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:22,520 "There's another world that could open up 559 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,880 "with people bringing their own stuff." 560 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:27,680 Good evening. Good evening. 561 00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:29,960 Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. 562 00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:31,120 Welcome. Welcome to... 563 00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:34,000 Have I Got News... Have I Got News...Have I Got News... For you. 564 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:35,200 I'm Stephen Mangan. 565 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:36,440 I'm Miranda Hart. 566 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:39,200 I'm Bill Bailey. I used to be Jon Pertwee. 567 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:44,920 We did entertain the idea of a permanent host. 568 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:47,080 In fact, we went down the road 569 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:50,880 of kind of auditioning people along those lines. 570 00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:53,160 Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. 571 00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:54,320 I'm Alexander Armstrong 572 00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:56,400 and if I seem a little uncomfortable tonight, 573 00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:58,600 it's because I'm sitting on Matthew Parris' column. 574 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:03,560 We did some run-throughs in some basement studio somewhere in Soho, 575 00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,040 not with Ian and Paul, 576 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:08,280 but with Jimmy Mulville, the head of Hat Trick. 577 00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:09,720 And it was... 578 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:11,560 That was quite good fun, actually. 579 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:14,840 I did enjoy that, but nerve-racking. 580 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:17,560 And there's disturbing evidence of how a young Boris Johnson 581 00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:19,600 got his big break in the Conservative Party. 582 00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:21,600 AUDIENCE: Oh! 583 00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:25,120 Goodnight. 584 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:28,160 There were quite a number of people being lined up, 585 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:31,320 and so therefore, it did become a little bit competitive. 586 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:32,760 The Australian man denied 587 00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:35,480 that his life is ruled by his obsession with lager, 588 00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:38,360 though he does have XXXX-wives and a Foster child. 589 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:42,520 Kirsty Young was terrific. 590 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:45,480 There was almost an element of someone quite strict 591 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,360 keeping the show on the road. 592 00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:51,320 Finished? Yeah, we have. Thank you. Former editor... 593 00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:53,280 No, we haven't. 594 00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:59,000 Sorry, childish. Do carry on. Thank you. Former... 595 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:00,080 I'm going to start now. 596 00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:03,720 Now the game's started, you see. 597 00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:07,320 You do this every time I'm here. No, we don't.Yes, you do. 598 00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:09,880 No, no. Please. It's our version of Name That Word. 599 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:18,000 LAUGHTER 600 00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:23,720 In your own time. 601 00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:29,280 The thing about having a guest host every week 602 00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:32,640 is that I'm sure it's added to the longevity of the show 603 00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:34,400 because of the five people on screen, 604 00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:36,520 three of them weren't there the week before. 605 00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:39,720 In conversations with the BBC, obviously they did their research 606 00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:42,800 and they said, "We think the guest host thing is really working." 607 00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:47,840 We're talking 16 million, aren't we?No! You read too many papers. 608 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:50,160 I do.No, it's nowhere near as much as that. 609 00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:52,520 I have to pay 40% tax, everything. Oh, you're kidding. 610 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:56,160 There was this frisson, 611 00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,760 "Who's going to be sitting in the chair this week? 612 00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:01,520 "Are they going to be good, are they going to be funny? 613 00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:03,760 "What particular aspect of their personalities 614 00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:05,000 "are they going to bring?" 615 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,160 So let's find out how the teams line up. 616 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:10,960 Captain Ian Hislop plays on the right 617 00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,560 if the Government's on the left 618 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:15,320 and on the left if the Government is on the right. 619 00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:17,680 Captain Paul Merton, 620 00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:17,680 like Jamie Vardy, 621 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:21,320 who started off in an amateur steelworkers team, 622 00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:23,120 Paul kicked off his career 623 00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:24,640 with a CSE in metalwork. 624 00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:29,160 The logic would have been that guest hosts should be comedians, 625 00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:30,480 this is a comedy show. 626 00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:34,600 But what was striking was that you could put in as a guest host 627 00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:37,560 somebody like William Hague, not a comedian at all, 628 00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:40,080 a politician, and a front-line politician, 629 00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:42,240 a very senior politician, and he'd be brilliant. 630 00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:43,320 So... 631 00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:44,600 BOOING 632 00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:48,560 Yes, it's the latest development... Did you hear that booing then? 633 00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:53,640 Did that not register in your brain, William, that booing? 634 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:56,200 You'll find it washes over him. 635 00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:58,280 I've been in the Tory party long enough 636 00:32:58,280 --> 00:32:59,560 to know how to ignore boos. 637 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:02,440 So you weren't very popular, then? 638 00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:05,200 Why do you think that was? 639 00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:06,680 Listen, just because I tell jokes, 640 00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:08,880 doesn't mean you should have political opinions. 641 00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:10,120 LAUGHTER 642 00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:15,280 I do love it when they get these very famous actors as hosts. 643 00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:19,480 They are invariably brilliant, 644 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:23,400 and there's always an extra bit of spark and spice 645 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,680 when they say something edgy. 646 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:28,760 Did anybody read anything about other cast members 647 00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:31,080 in the phone-hacking scandal this week? 648 00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:32,800 Rebekah Wade, the former editor 649 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:35,600 of the News Of The World and the Sun, is having a baby. 650 00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:41,120 But it's through a surrogate, and she's asked for privacy. 651 00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:44,920 That's correct, she's expecting a baby 652 00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:47,600 via a surrogate mother, or as the Sun might have put it... 653 00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:52,680 There's a real... 654 00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:52,680 SHE GASPS 655 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:56,480 ..factor, which this show still has after decades. 656 00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:59,080 They know they're reading someone else's lines 657 00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:01,600 if they're presenting, so that's absolutely fine. 658 00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:05,120 And yet there's the idea that they have to kind of riff 659 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:08,920 or be interesting outside the framework, 660 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:11,200 and that, I think, terrifies them. 661 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:14,240 What have Ed Balls and Ed Miliband been hinting at? 662 00:34:14,240 --> 00:34:16,560 Been hinting at?Yeah. 663 00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:24,360 What have they been hinting at? Don't know.So posh! 664 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:27,560 You're wearing a suit. I can afford it. 665 00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:33,120 That's cos you don't pay any tax. 666 00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:35,680 BOOING 667 00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:37,360 Oh! Aw! 668 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:42,360 You come in and you're excited. It's a great opportunity. 669 00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:45,040 But then you're going to be alongside people 670 00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:47,400 who actually do comedy for real. 671 00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:50,080 This is the triumph of The Foxes, Leicester City. 672 00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:53,400 They might get relegated next year. That'd be funny, wouldn't it? 673 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:57,840 What, of course, you don't know is what direction 674 00:34:57,840 --> 00:34:59,120 you're going to be led in. 675 00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:02,320 The Labour Party, they have houses which they put themselves in, 676 00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:06,040 and the Lib Dems have houses which they put their children in, 677 00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:08,800 and the Tories have houses which they put their ducks in. 678 00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:13,080 And they start talking about something that is on 679 00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:16,080 sort of the sixth little card of notes you've got in front of you, 680 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:20,560 and you're thinking, "Erm... Right... Oh, God, erm... 681 00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:25,080 "Yes, and what did Council Leader So-and-So have to say about that? 682 00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:27,000 "Yes, hm!" 683 00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:29,240 And it seems to go too quick and the cards... 684 00:35:29,240 --> 00:35:32,640 I'm getting muddled and my glasses are on and off, 685 00:35:32,640 --> 00:35:35,200 and now I'm starting to have a nervous breakdown. 686 00:35:35,200 --> 00:35:38,040 And then Paul's suddenly gone off on some fantastic sort of... 687 00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:41,440 His synapses have just gone "Fyo-yon-yon-yong", like they do... 688 00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:44,280 How would you advise having sex with Mike Tyson? 689 00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:48,760 You go in understanding full well it may not go the way you planned. 690 00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:50,720 ..and you've got to try and bring it back. 691 00:35:50,720 --> 00:35:52,400 What has Ann Widdecombe... 692 00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:55,040 New subject! She had sex with Mike Tyson?! 693 00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:56,560 And so this is basically the job. 694 00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:58,840 What has Ann Widdecombe offered to do if it would help? 695 00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:01,400 And it's not to do with Mike Tyson. 696 00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:04,040 GARY: When you get that first laugh, the first laugh, 697 00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:06,400 it's like, "Oh! That's all right." 698 00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:09,400 And following the arrest of several senior officials, 699 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:13,720 Fifa bring in a new face to help eradicate the culture of greed. 700 00:36:13,720 --> 00:36:16,240 LAUGHTER 701 00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:20,400 Well, there was an amazing surprise, which, I guess, was Bruce Forsyth. 702 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:23,080 MUSIC: The Generation Game Theme 703 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:25,200 CHEERING 704 00:36:30,040 --> 00:36:31,960 There we are. Thank you! 705 00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:34,600 Oh! Thank you so much. 706 00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:36,680 Whoa, thank you! 707 00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:39,200 They can't all be wrong, can they? 708 00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:43,040 Anyway, good evening. Yes, the papers weren't lying. It is me. 709 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:46,000 But don't worry - there'll be no gimmicks, no catchphrases. 710 00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:50,600 So welcome to Have I Got News For You, for you have I got... 711 00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:51,880 AUDIENCE: News! 712 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:54,680 He was actually quite nervous just before going on, just backstage. 713 00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:56,840 He was a bit nervous, which surprised me, but he said, 714 00:36:56,840 --> 00:37:00,320 "I don't know what they're going to be like, whether they're going to like me or not." 715 00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:02,480 He said, "I don't know what this sort of audience is." 716 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:06,480 But that was really good to see cos it showed he was caring. 717 00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:07,840 He really wanted this to work. 718 00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,200 And as soon as he walked out through the glittery curtains 719 00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:12,080 and the audience erupted... 720 00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:14,040 It's definitely time for... 721 00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:16,120 MUSIC: Play Your Cards Right Theme 722 00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:24,360 It is that feeling of witnessing something. 723 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:28,000 I have to say, the Iraqi Play Your Cards Right - 724 00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:32,440 about the rewards being offered on various Iraqi war criminals - 725 00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:35,840 you just thought, "Well, that's utterly bonkers." 726 00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:39,360 Now, these are the cards that the Americans... Please! 727 00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:43,440 This is satire! 728 00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:45,480 LAUGHTER 729 00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:47,440 That's about as bad taste as anything 730 00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:51,560 that has ever been on television, and it was Bruce Forsyth doing it. 731 00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:53,480 Thank you, Bruce! 732 00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:57,760 It's the king of clubs, RCC vice chairman Izzat Ibrahim. 733 00:37:57,760 --> 00:37:59,840 Now, then, it's a high card... 734 00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:01,760 LAUGHTER 735 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:04,720 ..so... 736 00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:08,600 Think about this. The audience will help you. 737 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:10,720 Do you think it's higher or lower? 738 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:12,440 ALL: Lower! 739 00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:14,440 COMPETING AUDIENCE CHANTS 740 00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:20,200 I'm not sure this programme can go much lower. 741 00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:21,960 I remember watching that and thinking, 742 00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:26,520 "This is fantastic television," cos it was like a planetary collision, 743 00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:30,360 but hugely entertaining. And there was a lot of love in it as well. 744 00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:33,160 Tony Blair insists that weapons of mass destruction 745 00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:35,720 will eventually be found in Iraq. 746 00:38:35,720 --> 00:38:38,920 Well, it would be nice to see them, to see them... 747 00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:40,360 ALL: Nice! 748 00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:45,000 The Bruce Forsyth show, I think, is Paul's favourite show. 749 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:48,800 And part of that is because he thinks I hated it 750 00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:51,360 and had no idea what was going on. 751 00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:57,000 I've been waiting 14 years for the show to be like this. 752 00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:00,680 I'm having the time of my life! 753 00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:06,080 It's undoubtedly partly because he was on Have I Got News For You 754 00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:10,200 that we ended up casting him as the host of Strictly Come Dancing. 755 00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:16,880 Bruce, it's a new first for television - invisible tap dancing. 756 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:18,440 LAUGHTER 757 00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:21,120 I think one of the big things we can say about the show 758 00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:24,480 is that it's one of the few comedy programmes, 759 00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:27,120 if not the only comedy programme, 760 00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:29,440 who has really delivered us a Prime Minister. 761 00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:32,120 And with Paul Merton tonight is a Daily Telegraph journalist 762 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:35,400 who last year took a month off to spend some time on his own. 763 00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:39,040 He stood as a Conservative candidate in Wales, Boris Johnson. 764 00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:44,760 I remember ringing Ian to say, "Oh, we've got this journalist 765 00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:47,160 "who seems pretty funny, Boris Johnson, doing it." 766 00:39:47,160 --> 00:39:49,280 And Ian said, "Ah, the jackal!" 767 00:39:49,280 --> 00:39:50,640 And you go, "What?" 768 00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:53,040 And so Ian told us about this phone call that 769 00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:56,560 Boris had been involved in, which I must admit I didn't know about. 770 00:39:56,560 --> 00:40:01,240 The conversation was along the lines of "Da-rye-us", 771 00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:05,360 or Darius - I never went to school with anybody called that - 772 00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:09,840 a conversation about whether Boris could get a journalist beaten up 773 00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:12,880 for some story that Mr Guppy didn't like. 774 00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:17,800 We constructed an Odd One Out about taped phone conversations, 775 00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:23,840 to give Ian the opportunity to just bring up the subject. 776 00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:28,080 I'm surprised you gave me this one. Why? 777 00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:31,440 Cos Boris was caught on tape as well. Ha-ha-ha! Richly comic, yes... 778 00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:33,440 HE TRAILS OFF, LAUGHTER 779 00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:39,960 Sorry, what was that? I said..."Good point." 780 00:40:41,560 --> 00:40:46,800 He said, "Ha-ha-ha! Richly comic," which it jolly well was. 781 00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:51,480 What were you recorded saying? Honestly, I don't remember. I do! 782 00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:53,360 LAUGHTER 783 00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:59,800 Boris was on tape talking to Darius Guppy... A very great man. 784 00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:02,760 I don't want to be totally stitched up here. 785 00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:05,720 What you want and what you don't want... 786 00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:08,160 I'm way out of my depth here. I've been totally stitched up. 787 00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:10,640 I want it on the record that I walked straight into 788 00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:13,120 a massive elephant trap. I should've spotted it. 789 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:14,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 790 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,880 Boris was completely furious. 791 00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:21,600 He was always cross. He always thought that 792 00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:27,160 I in particular was out to get him, which, you know, is fair enough. 793 00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:28,560 Now, now, now, now, now... 794 00:41:28,560 --> 00:41:30,760 He's stuck. Give him a nudge, will you, Ian? 795 00:41:33,040 --> 00:41:36,920 I have to say, very early on, from when we were trying to book 796 00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:40,840 guest hosts, Boris was kind of the one I really wanted to do it. 797 00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:46,960 Hello. Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. 798 00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:49,280 In the news this week, undiscovered footage 799 00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:51,760 from William Hague's schooldays supports his claims 800 00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:54,480 that he used to drink 14 pints a night. 801 00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:01,640 I think the narrative that Have I Got News For You 802 00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:05,840 made Boris is just a total misreading of what happened. 803 00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:10,560 The joke about Boris was, "This man can't even run a panel show." 804 00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:13,000 He literally couldn't get the cards in order, 805 00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:18,240 he had no idea who anything was or who anyone was. 806 00:42:18,240 --> 00:42:20,480 He was a joke. 807 00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:23,080 Paul. Paul. No, Paul! 808 00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:25,640 LAUGHTER 809 00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:28,880 I wanted Basil Brush! 810 00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:32,160 I did! I wanted Basil Brush. 811 00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:37,560 I'm not sure we haven't got him. 812 00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:41,880 He was so funny. I think he was actually funnier on it than I was. 813 00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:44,640 Absolutely right. Give that man a coconut. 814 00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:47,240 Give that man what?A coconut. Or whatever the prize is... 815 00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:50,080 I don't want a coconut! 816 00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:52,200 Have a point. Have a point. Have several points. 817 00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,280 I've changed my mind, Boris. I will have a coconut. 818 00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:57,240 We'll have to get the catering people... I bet I end up with less coconuts. 819 00:42:57,240 --> 00:42:58,800 Boris hasn't really changed his act 820 00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:01,560 since he was presenting Have I Got News For You, to be fair. 821 00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:04,160 Whether or not we can supply a coconut or not, I don't know... 822 00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:08,000 So, hang on a minute. You're offering coconuts, 823 00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:10,360 and yet...there's no facility to give me a coconut. 824 00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:12,360 You're promising something you can't deliver, 825 00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:14,760 which is what you accuse the Labour Party of! 826 00:43:16,600 --> 00:43:20,280 You look at these broadcasts that he does with the two team captains 827 00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:24,800 at either side of him - it's exactly the same thing, on the virus! 828 00:43:27,240 --> 00:43:28,840 Boris was a star. 829 00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:33,200 He wasn't a particularly well-known politician, 830 00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:36,640 but he was a personality, he was a character. 831 00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:39,040 From the party that keeps its promises... 832 00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:40,880 LAUGHTER 833 00:43:40,880 --> 00:43:43,680 There's a lot about Boris which makes him 834 00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:47,120 a really good comedy entertainer. 835 00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:50,400 That is the job he should have been employed to do. 836 00:43:51,720 --> 00:43:53,480 They are... 837 00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:56,400 ..Boris Johnson for Have I Got News For You. 838 00:43:58,360 --> 00:44:01,480 People are surprised when I tell them one year, he was nominated 839 00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:05,680 for a Bafta for Best Performance in an Entertainment Programme. 840 00:44:05,680 --> 00:44:09,120 And you could see he was very keen to win the award. 841 00:44:09,120 --> 00:44:13,040 ..Jonathan Ross for Friday Night with Jonathan Ross! 842 00:44:13,040 --> 00:44:16,600 When Boris became Prime Minister, I think there was sort of... 843 00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:19,000 ..some journalistic outlets who were desperately trying 844 00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:20,320 to turn this into the story of 845 00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:23,160 "Have I Got News For You has made Boris Johnson Prime Minister." 846 00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:25,480 If you look at the history of the show, nearly everybody 847 00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:28,840 who's been on more times than Boris became Prime Minister. 848 00:44:28,840 --> 00:44:33,040 Ken Livingstone? Yeah. Charles Kennedy? Yeah, absolutely. 849 00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:36,800 If you're going to blame someone, you can blame the voters - 850 00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:39,880 which I do - or you can blame the system. 851 00:44:39,880 --> 00:44:41,680 I mean, I didn't vote Boris in. 852 00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:45,120 I thought he was absolutely unsuitable and unfit for any office. 853 00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:47,360 The whole of London, Europe's biggest electorate, 854 00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:50,240 votes Boris in twice, so don't blame us. 855 00:44:55,240 --> 00:44:57,440 The broadcast can finish of an episode - 856 00:44:57,440 --> 00:45:02,160 and about the very same episode, one bunch of people will scream, 857 00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:06,360 "Typical right-wing establishment crap," 858 00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:10,640 the other side will say, "Typical BBC leftie nonsense." 859 00:45:10,640 --> 00:45:12,560 The government essentially has done a U-turn 860 00:45:12,560 --> 00:45:14,800 on a number of things which the public don't agree with. 861 00:45:14,800 --> 00:45:17,240 You know, and that's not government as you know, Alastair. 862 00:45:17,240 --> 00:45:19,800 A million people march past, saying, "We don't want the war," 863 00:45:19,800 --> 00:45:23,200 you don't LISTEN to them! For God's sake! 864 00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:26,880 Do you know what Tommy Robinson does for a living? 865 00:45:26,880 --> 00:45:30,000 He used to run a tanning shop. Exactly right, yes. 866 00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:32,640 What, changing the colour of people's skin?Yeah. 867 00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:38,360 So your customer comes in, "Come in, Madam." 868 00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:40,960 Half an hour later, "You can get out!" 869 00:45:43,080 --> 00:45:50,600 It's the very fact that this show can still trouble 870 00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:55,880 and infuriate such a wide range of people that makes it great. 871 00:45:55,880 --> 00:46:00,040 Well, I'll tell you other things you've said about him is he is... 872 00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:01,080 Correct. 873 00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:12,400 LAUGHTER 874 00:46:12,400 --> 00:46:15,800 It is quite blokey, I think we can be perfectly honest about this. 875 00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:21,920 It is quite blokey. Erm... Or at least it was when I started. 876 00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:25,040 I bet Chris Evans is ringing him even now, don't you think? 877 00:46:26,680 --> 00:46:28,360 Go on, Jeremy, punch him. 878 00:46:29,400 --> 00:46:31,360 You can have a go if you want! 879 00:46:33,360 --> 00:46:36,280 I mean, the whole thing is ruthless. 880 00:46:36,280 --> 00:46:41,200 It's the Roman arena, with mangled corpses in all directions. 881 00:46:41,200 --> 00:46:46,560 What I actually said was that women who are self-destructive, 882 00:46:46,560 --> 00:46:50,040 in particular those women whose self-image is so low 883 00:46:50,040 --> 00:46:54,080 that they cannot appear in public without their hair bird's-nested 884 00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:57,200 all over the place, three inches of exposed cleavage and fuck-me shoes. 885 00:46:57,200 --> 00:46:59,520 I didn't actually name anybody! 886 00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:03,360 This was in a piece about Suzanne Moore, though, wasn't it? 887 00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:06,080 Why would shoes want to be fucked anyway? 888 00:47:07,240 --> 00:47:12,280 The thing you have to do is, you have to step up to the plate. 889 00:47:12,280 --> 00:47:16,200 You can't just sit there and simper. 890 00:47:16,200 --> 00:47:19,280 What sort of shoes are you wearing, Germaine? 891 00:47:19,280 --> 00:47:21,840 Don't-fuck-me shoes. 892 00:47:21,840 --> 00:47:25,600 Leave-me-alone shoes or I'll-kick-you-in-the-face shoes. 893 00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:28,240 I thought it was frightening, and I was scared 894 00:47:28,240 --> 00:47:32,200 that I wouldn't be able to think of funny things to say. 895 00:47:32,200 --> 00:47:36,960 But I really felt it was important because there were so few women 896 00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:42,960 to actually go on and kind of, you know, suffer it, if you like. 897 00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:47,760 That's Terry Wogan paying Cher an awful lot of money, 20 grand - 898 00:47:47,760 --> 00:47:51,600 a pound for every year of her life - to come on his show. 899 00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:55,360 You know, she got 20 grand, right? I got 800. 900 00:47:55,360 --> 00:47:58,200 She got a new bum and I went down Kwik-Fit 901 00:47:58,200 --> 00:48:03,120 and had one of my blackheads squeezed. 902 00:48:03,120 --> 00:48:06,000 I remember being on the show with Jo Brand, 903 00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:09,200 probably she was hosting and I was a guest, 904 00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:13,720 and she made a joke about eating a strawberry ice cream 905 00:48:13,720 --> 00:48:18,360 that was so filthy, I was literally helpless. 906 00:48:18,360 --> 00:48:21,200 A group of Finnish lawyers has suggested new EU 907 00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:24,440 sexual harassment laws should cover women eating ice creams 908 00:48:24,440 --> 00:48:28,080 provocatively in front of male colleagues. 909 00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:29,440 I wouldn't do that. 910 00:48:29,440 --> 00:48:32,160 I always make sure I'm alone before I open my Mivvi. 911 00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:34,240 LAUGHTER 912 00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:43,280 There are good hosts and then there are just crazy hosts, 913 00:48:43,280 --> 00:48:47,160 who are just... You know, the Brian Blesseds. Mm! 914 00:48:47,160 --> 00:48:49,680 I can't even remember when the camera was turned on 915 00:48:49,680 --> 00:48:52,800 and it didn't matter. He's the same, isn't he? Yes. 916 00:48:52,800 --> 00:48:55,080 You know, from the moment he comes in the room 917 00:48:55,080 --> 00:48:58,200 to when his taxi goes again. 918 00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:01,560 Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. 919 00:49:01,560 --> 00:49:03,520 I'm Brian Blessed! 920 00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:05,000 CHEERING 921 00:49:05,000 --> 00:49:07,200 I am! It's me, look... 922 00:49:07,200 --> 00:49:10,240 I think the original motivation may have been... 923 00:49:10,240 --> 00:49:13,000 Cos I think we were at the time when Gordon Brown 924 00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:16,760 was either Chancellor or briefly Prime Minister, 925 00:49:16,760 --> 00:49:21,240 they just wanted Brian Blessed to shout "Gordon's alive!" 926 00:49:21,240 --> 00:49:22,840 I think that was it. 927 00:49:22,840 --> 00:49:26,040 Now, in the news this week, the polls continue to slide 928 00:49:26,040 --> 00:49:30,720 for Gordon Brown. And some people are saying he's dead and buried. 929 00:49:30,720 --> 00:49:32,200 But I think the opposite. 930 00:49:32,200 --> 00:49:34,920 I say, Gordon's alive! 931 00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:40,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 932 00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:40,040 Yes! My darlings! 933 00:49:40,040 --> 00:49:42,120 When someone like him is hosting it, 934 00:49:42,120 --> 00:49:44,560 you kind of just have to lash yourself to the mast 935 00:49:44,560 --> 00:49:47,040 and get through it, because he's not going to... 936 00:49:47,040 --> 00:49:49,360 Nuance isn't going to necessarily creep into it, 937 00:49:49,360 --> 00:49:52,680 so you have to kind of get in where you can. 938 00:49:52,680 --> 00:49:55,160 I suppose you are the only gay Tory, aren't you? 939 00:49:55,160 --> 00:49:57,040 Actually, there are...Are you gay?! 940 00:49:57,040 --> 00:49:59,200 LAUGHTER 941 00:50:11,840 --> 00:50:14,440 Brian, you'd never guess you were an actor. 942 00:50:17,840 --> 00:50:20,560 There are very few people in my life 943 00:50:20,560 --> 00:50:23,600 that I've been able to impress my sister with. And... 944 00:50:23,600 --> 00:50:27,400 You know, I ring up and say, "Ooh, I've met Nelson Mandela," 945 00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:29,440 and she goes, "Oh, yeah, yeah." 946 00:50:29,440 --> 00:50:32,240 But I finally got to ring her up and say, 947 00:50:32,240 --> 00:50:35,120 "You have no idea who I'm having dinner with." 948 00:50:35,120 --> 00:50:36,920 And she said, "Yeah, who?" 949 00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:38,800 DOORS WHOOSH 950 00:50:38,800 --> 00:50:43,080 And I said, "William Shatner." And that was it. Finally, a win. 951 00:50:46,760 --> 00:50:49,200 William Shatner was on the show! 952 00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:51,680 William Shatner hosted Have I Got News For You. 953 00:50:51,680 --> 00:50:53,720 I mean, that's extraordinary, isn't it? 954 00:50:53,720 --> 00:50:59,400 Good evening to you and welcome to Have I Got News For You. 955 00:51:01,040 --> 00:51:03,480 I'm not sure he really understood what the show was. 956 00:51:03,480 --> 00:51:08,320 He didn't know who any of the public figures 957 00:51:08,320 --> 00:51:10,760 we were doing jokes about were. 958 00:51:10,760 --> 00:51:13,840 He didn't know that Ilfracombe was a town. 959 00:51:13,840 --> 00:51:17,200 This is the Olympic torch which is boldly going 960 00:51:17,200 --> 00:51:20,000 where no Olympic torch has gone before, namely... 961 00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:23,120 GROANING 962 00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:23,120 Yes, I agree with you. 963 00:51:23,120 --> 00:51:26,920 ..namely Truro and "Ilfra-cooom". 964 00:51:29,520 --> 00:51:32,960 Sounds deeply sexual. 965 00:51:32,960 --> 00:51:36,080 Have you been to Ilfracombe? I have. 966 00:51:36,080 --> 00:51:39,200 The place is laced with prostitution. 967 00:51:42,400 --> 00:51:44,400 He got about a third of the way into the show, 968 00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:49,520 and then the kind of madness of it started to take over. 969 00:51:49,520 --> 00:51:51,720 MUSIC: God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols 970 00:51:54,560 --> 00:51:57,760 # God save the Queen 971 00:51:57,760 --> 00:52:00,440 # The fascist regime 972 00:52:00,440 --> 00:52:04,640 # They made you a moron A potential H bomb... # 973 00:52:04,640 --> 00:52:09,320 He kept looking at me, and he would wink at me. 974 00:52:09,320 --> 00:52:11,440 Quite a few times, he winked at me, which was... 975 00:52:13,400 --> 00:52:15,880 ..slightly unsettling, in a way. 976 00:52:15,880 --> 00:52:19,760 # Oh, no, no, no, no 977 00:52:19,760 --> 00:52:21,480 # I'm a rocket man. # 978 00:52:21,480 --> 00:52:25,200 APPLAUSE 979 00:52:21,480 --> 00:52:25,200 I'm just overwhelmed by this. 980 00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:28,640 They have to reinvent the wheel each week, don't they? 981 00:52:28,640 --> 00:52:30,160 That's why the writers are so good, 982 00:52:30,160 --> 00:52:33,800 because those writers have to write jokes that are going to be said 983 00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:37,560 by completely different people every week. 984 00:52:37,560 --> 00:52:39,520 BIG BEN CHIMES, LAUGHTER 985 00:52:40,600 --> 00:52:43,040 And outside Westminster planning department, 986 00:52:43,040 --> 00:52:46,120 there are suspicions that developers are attempting 987 00:52:46,120 --> 00:52:48,680 to bribe John Prescott. 988 00:52:48,680 --> 00:52:50,600 LAUGHTER 989 00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:52,480 The website went on to say... 990 00:52:56,240 --> 00:52:59,880 ..although if you're not keen on that, get Cook to wear an apron. 991 00:53:04,240 --> 00:53:06,880 Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features 992 00:53:06,880 --> 00:53:09,920 as its guest publication The Powerful Owl newsletter, 993 00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:13,640 which, obviously, they got because of my association with owls. 994 00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:15,880 I once killed an owl with a shovel. 995 00:53:15,880 --> 00:53:17,960 No, sorry! It was the Harry Potter thing. 996 00:53:17,960 --> 00:53:20,280 There's so many various elements that make up the show. 997 00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:22,280 You've got the news itself, 998 00:53:22,280 --> 00:53:24,520 you have the guests, you have me and Ian 999 00:53:24,520 --> 00:53:27,480 and you have the person who's hosting it. 1000 00:53:27,480 --> 00:53:30,000 When the news is really good - 1001 00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:32,480 and by good, I don't mean necessarily uplifting, 1002 00:53:32,480 --> 00:53:36,360 I mean richly comic and full of potential - 1003 00:53:36,360 --> 00:53:38,640 it can really take off. 1004 00:53:38,640 --> 00:53:42,240 Ah, the start of the Great North Run, London to Durham. 1005 00:53:42,240 --> 00:53:44,000 And there's that eye test. 1006 00:53:44,000 --> 00:53:46,720 "Ah, Mr Cummings, can you see why everyone's so angry with you 1007 00:53:46,720 --> 00:53:50,760 "and think you should resign, you complete and utter fraud?" 1008 00:53:53,520 --> 00:53:55,720 Dominic Cummings' visit to the Castle 1009 00:53:55,720 --> 00:53:57,880 happened at the end of our last series, 1010 00:53:57,880 --> 00:54:00,600 which was filmed in lockdown, 1011 00:54:00,600 --> 00:54:04,040 so each one of us was in our own individual cells. 1012 00:54:04,040 --> 00:54:05,560 That was a very strong show. 1013 00:54:05,560 --> 00:54:09,240 Ian was particularly...exhilarated 1014 00:54:09,240 --> 00:54:12,640 to be talking about it on British television. 1015 00:54:12,640 --> 00:54:15,000 He gave the impression in pieces in The Spectator, 1016 00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:18,520 and he got his wife to write pieces, suggesting he was in London, 1017 00:54:18,520 --> 00:54:20,000 which he wasn't. 1018 00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:22,720 This man has become the centre of the story. And I just... 1019 00:54:22,720 --> 00:54:25,240 I cannot understand why he hasn't resigned. 1020 00:54:25,240 --> 00:54:27,560 THEY LAUGH 1021 00:54:27,560 --> 00:54:29,600 Paul, maverick genius? 1022 00:54:29,600 --> 00:54:33,000 Thank you very much. That's very kind of you. 1023 00:54:33,000 --> 00:54:35,200 I didn't realise I'd be getting an award this evening, 1024 00:54:35,200 --> 00:54:37,640 but I'd just like to say this award isn't just for me, 1025 00:54:37,640 --> 00:54:40,160 it's for everybody, for those people behind-the-scenes... 1026 00:54:40,160 --> 00:54:42,280 I was furious, you know, for personal reasons, 1027 00:54:42,280 --> 00:54:44,960 because of care homes and obeying the rules then and, 1028 00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:48,080 like lots of people, being unable to say goodbye to loved ones 1029 00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:49,600 and all that stuff. 1030 00:54:49,600 --> 00:54:53,880 Mark Sedwill had coronavirus, Boris had it, Matt Hancock had it. 1031 00:54:53,880 --> 00:54:55,920 In fact, the whole government had it. 1032 00:54:55,920 --> 00:54:57,640 And you know why that is, Janet? 1033 00:54:57,640 --> 00:55:00,400 Because the virus targets low-skill workers. 1034 00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:03,160 THEY LAUGH 1035 00:55:03,160 --> 00:55:07,360 The world, even at its blackest, is quite a comic place. 1036 00:55:08,800 --> 00:55:13,080 And it's almost never true that there is nothing funny, 1037 00:55:13,080 --> 00:55:17,360 or nothing certainly bleakly comic, about what's going on. 1038 00:55:17,360 --> 00:55:20,680 Oscar Pistorius has been sent to a prison in Pretoria, where... 1039 00:55:22,640 --> 00:55:24,960 You have to be particularly careful in the showers 1040 00:55:24,960 --> 00:55:27,920 because Oscar Pistorius might shoot you through the door. 1041 00:55:29,680 --> 00:55:34,400 VICTORIA: The more difficult it gets to make edgy jokes, 1042 00:55:34,400 --> 00:55:38,440 the more people scream and roar and say you shouldn't make it, 1043 00:55:38,440 --> 00:55:42,320 the more it's a sort of moral imperative to keep doing it. 1044 00:55:42,320 --> 00:55:46,320 I was just going to say that, also, by funding Islamic fundamentalism, 1045 00:55:46,320 --> 00:55:49,920 it pays off the guilt the Saudis feel for their lives of luxury - 1046 00:55:49,920 --> 00:55:51,720 a bit like Jimmy Savile's charity work. 1047 00:55:51,720 --> 00:55:56,200 AUDIENCE GROANS 1048 00:55:51,720 --> 00:55:56,200 Oh, come on! Grow up! 1049 00:55:56,200 --> 00:56:00,280 The fact that they're still there, they're still entertaining you 1050 00:56:00,280 --> 00:56:05,960 and they're still in the midst of this extraordinary chaotic world 1051 00:56:05,960 --> 00:56:09,800 which we now inhabit... We need shows like Have I Got News For You. 1052 00:56:09,800 --> 00:56:12,440 Doctors injected Trump with a potentially lethal cocktail 1053 00:56:12,440 --> 00:56:14,960 of experimental and untested drugs, 1054 00:56:14,960 --> 00:56:16,720 but somehow he pulled through. 1055 00:56:18,400 --> 00:56:20,560 Who do you think's going to get it next? 1056 00:56:20,560 --> 00:56:23,000 PAUL LAUGHS 1057 00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:25,280 In the US sort of presidential world. 1058 00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:27,680 Oh, I see, not Mrs Watkins at Number 23... 1059 00:56:27,680 --> 00:56:29,600 LAUGHTER 1060 00:56:29,600 --> 00:56:32,160 Who's closest to Trump? Oh, Putin! 1061 00:56:36,080 --> 00:56:40,080 Looking back over 500 shows and goodness knows how many guests, 1062 00:56:40,080 --> 00:56:42,560 it's pretty extraordinary. 1063 00:56:42,560 --> 00:56:45,080 I can't quite get my head around it. 1064 00:56:45,080 --> 00:56:48,320 Did Ian say nice things about me when you interviewed him? 1065 00:56:48,320 --> 00:56:50,000 He didn't, did he? 1066 00:56:50,000 --> 00:56:52,560 INTERVIEWER: I don't think he mentioned you. 1067 00:56:52,560 --> 00:56:55,120 LAUGHTER 1068 00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:57,160 My feelings on Paul? 1069 00:56:57,160 --> 00:56:59,120 Oh, right, yes. Paul Merton? 1070 00:57:00,640 --> 00:57:03,160 Yes, he's still on it, isn't he? 1071 00:57:03,160 --> 00:57:06,240 Paul, could you ever find it in your heart to put your bitter rivalry 1072 00:57:06,240 --> 00:57:08,800 to one side and form a coalition with Ian? 1073 00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:11,160 Yeah, all right.Go on, then. 1074 00:57:11,160 --> 00:57:13,120 If you switched on and Ian or Paul wasn't there, 1075 00:57:13,120 --> 00:57:15,400 it's like the ravens leaving the Tower of London. 1076 00:57:15,400 --> 00:57:17,120 I mean, it would spook people. 1077 00:57:17,120 --> 00:57:21,880 It's almost a matter of national duty that they would be there, 1078 00:57:21,880 --> 00:57:24,240 where people expect to see them. 1079 00:57:24,240 --> 00:57:26,280 I've got a feeling you're going to win this week! 1080 00:57:26,280 --> 00:57:28,160 LAUGHTER