(Jungle animals chittering)
All right, guys. Quiet down.
- Kill it. - (indistinct chatter)
All right, I'd like to propose a toast.
(cheering)
- To the three rings of marriage. - (clamoring)
- There's the engagement ring. - (all) Aw!
- There's the wedding ring. - (all) Oh!
- And there's suffering! - (all shouting)
- To Paul! - (all cheering)
- Thank you. - (all chanting) Drink! Drink! Drink!
(all cheering)
(playing jazzy rock)
Come on, man. Loosen up a little. Huh?
I'm the uptight lawyer, everybody knows that, but you...
- You're the crazy one in the family. - I know.
- Relax and have fun. - (sighs)
My bachelor party was the last good time in my marriage.
Maybe your marriage didn't work
because you had too much fun at the bachelor party.
My marriage didn't work because Deena was impossible to please.
Your marriage is gonna be fine. You've got Karen.
And she's... beautiful, she's smart,
she's funny, she's kind to animals,
she's sexy, she's very sexy, she's got a great sense of style...
- Pete. - Yeah? (laughs) I'm just a big fan.
I can't believe my little brother's getting married.
- I gotta run. I love you. - OK... Hey!
You are a lucky, lucky man.
- (toilet flushing) - (man laughs)
Paul, high five! Whoo!
- Good luck in there. Congratulations. - Thanks.
Listen, Jim. About the girls...
I'm not sure.
- I totally understand, dude. - Oh. You do?
- Absolutely. - Good.
And I want you to know something, man.
I don't give a shit.
- Then you be the groom. - No, that's not how it works.
No, hang on a second. I'm giving you a chance
to be the groom at a bachelor party,
and you don't have to get married next Saturday.
Think about that.
Listen up, everybody.
As of this moment, I am the groom!
(all cheering)
- We got tiki girls! - Whoo!
(¶ Buddy Scott Trio "Lust For Life")
¶ Got a lust for life
¶ A lust for life
¶ I got a lust for life
¶ Here comes Johnny Yen again
¶ With the liquor and drugs
- ¶ And a flesh machine - (laughs)
¶ He's gonna do another strip tease
- Where's the groom? - Whoo!
¶ I've been hurting Ever since I bought the gimmick
Oh!
Sorry.
Hey! Mmm! (chuckles)
- Wow, you really suck at this. - Yeah, it's my first day.
- Could you buy me a beer? - Yeah. (laughs)
(Paul) Jimmy!
(radio static)
(¶ EELS "Mr. E's Beautiful Blues")
(phone ringing)
(phone continues ringing)
- Hello? - (woman) Hi, Paul.
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Cooper. - I'm gonna be your mother-in-law.
- You can call me Sandra. - Hi, Sandra.
- So how was the bachelor party? - (groans)
You know, silly. It's really such an outdated ritual.
You are every mother-in-law's dream. Listen, could you put Karen on for me?
Yeah, sure. Hold on.
- Oh, my God. - Paul? What is it?
- Is something the matter? - Uh...
- I guess Karen hasn't arrived yet. - What do you mean?
She's on her way over there. She should have been there by now.
Uh, no, not here yet, Sandra. Listen, I'm gonna have to get goin', OK?
- OK, but could you please have her... - Yeah...
Holy shit. Um...
Miss? Ma'am?
- Hey. - Hey. Listen,
- you're gonna have to leave now. - OK, well, good morning to you, too.
Look, I'm really not a rude guy, but you're gonna have to go, like, now.
- OK, I'm going. - My fiancee is on her way over here.
- You're getting married? - Yeah, only if you leave really soon.
You weren't the guy with the groom hat on.
Listen, I'd love to explain it to you, but instead you have to leave right now.
- I'm gonna get my ass kicked. - That is very clear.
What happened?
- OK, let's go. - Bad news. I can't find my underwear.
Uh, can I mail them to you?
Yes, please mail them to me. They're my only pair.
Just give me your address.
OK, wait, I have more than one pair of underwear.
Oh, right, uh, I'll just find them before she gets here. OK, OK.
Calm down. You're freaking out, and if you're freaking out
when your fiancee gets here, you're gonna freak her out.
I know, because you're freaking me out and I don't even know you. Just be cool.
Hey, I'm cool. I'm a very cool guy,
cooler than most of the guys you probably meet doing what you do.
No offense. Look, this is just a really bad situation for me, OK?
Trust me, I'm not this guy. After you.
If you see a pair of bikini underwear lying around, see this guy.
Can you not say that, please?
(whispers) Can you do me a favor and take the back stairs?
In case I had any tiny speck of self-esteem left?
I bet that goes over really well with the ladies.
- There are no "ladies," all right? - Right.
Uh! It's actually... Thank you, Mrs. Jackson.
- Aloha. - Wedding planner.
(door slams)
We were thinking of going with the whole luau thing.
That's what's happening. Good day.
(groans)
Oh, shit.
Not there. God!
(Hawaiian music plays)
A-ha!
Shit.
(shudders)
- Paul, could you undo the chain? - One second.
(Karen) Paul. What's going on?
(door rattling)
(Karen) Please undo the chain. I am standing out here.
Paul, are you OK?
Karen, sweetheart, what a surprise.
- Why'd you chain the door shut? - You know, can't be too safe.
So, how was the bachelor party? A little hung over?
(laughs) Not at all.
Paul, I know what happens at these things.
You should not feel guilty and you don't have to tell me anything.
Unless there's something you wanna tell me.
- Wait, no, please. Let me explain! - Shut up! Shut up!
- Well, maybe I had a drink or two. - Yeah, I'm sure you kept it to two.
OK, look. I got all your outfits for the parties this week.
- This... - Wow. That's a nice sweater.
- And you like? - I like.
I thought it would be perfect for the rehearsal dinner.
- Perfect. Yeah. - I knew you'd like it.
How is the string quartet coming along?
- Oh, I'm on it. - Paul, it is the one thing
I have asked you to do for this wedding.
Yeah, it's basically almost completely...
...taken care of.
How was the bachelorette party?
Oh, my God, total blast. We went to Giggles.
And we sat right in the front, and we heckled the comedians.
(laughs) And Jodie got so wasted!
Hello? Earth to Paul. Over here, you great, big party animal.
- How about a kiss for that hangover? - All right.
What are you...?
OK, OK. I have a million things to do.
My Great Aunt Budge is coming in tomorrow.
- My mom is completely freaked out. - Your mom called... this morning.
She did?
- Did she tell you I was coming over? - Mmm-hmm.
Why were you so surprised to see me?
You know, I might be a little more hung over than I thought.
- (laughs) - You're a weirdo.
Oh, my God. I'm late.
What the hell happened last night? Where were you?
Sorry, chief. I got waylaid.
- If you know what I'm sayin'. Way laid. - What?
That tiki girl, Tonya.
I kept trying to turn off the charm, but I guess I couldn't find the switch.
Jim, you're not listening to me.
I woke up this morning with a strange woman in my bed.
How could this happen? Was I that drunk?
That's awesome, man. What are you complaining about?
- (Paul) What? - Nice shoes.
Karen got 'em for me. She wants me to break 'em in.
- They're special. - Move.
- (sighs) I think I gotta tell Karen. - Whoa! Paul, listen to me.
Do not, under any circumstances, tell Karen.
What happened to you last night is perfectly natural.
We're men. We're hunters.
- It's encrypted in our DNA code. - (phone rings)
You gotta accept that, buddy, and get over it.
- I don't know what I'm gonna do. - (woman on answering machine) Hi, Jim.
It's Tonya, from last night.
Uh, I was gonna be in the neighborhood later and thought I might stop by.
- So give me a call, OK? - Shit.
- (answering machine beeps) - (Jim laughs)
- That poor girl's been Jimmified. - This is all your fault, man.
Probably, but Karen's never gonna find out.
And the tiki girl? Come on.
You're never gonna see her again.
(man on radio) A survey was made one time that covered a lot of men.
Working men. And these men were asked this question:
Why do you work? Why do you get up in the morning?
Why, everyone goes to work in the morning.
And that's the reason they do it, because everyone else is doing it.
And there you have the trouble today. It's conformity.
People acting like everyone else,
without knowing why, without knowing where they're going.
We'll have more with Dr. Earl after this short break on KCNP,
the best talk in Seattle.
- Hi. Hi! - Holy shit!
- Well... - You work here?
- First day. - What happened to the dancing?
- Um... I sucked. - (horn honking)
Hey! Let's go, asshole!
- Uh... Just a sec. Sorry! - (horn honking)
- So, listen, what's your name? - Be...
- (man shouting) - Hey!
Don't make me get out of my box, fella!
- Fifty cents. - (cars honking)
Listen, I just want you to know, about what happened...
All right, well, you have a good day, and please remember to drive safely.
- (people shouting) - Ah!
Sorry.
- You're hitting my car. - I know. I'm sorry.
- Look what you... - I don't believe this!
You dented the hood of my car!
- Hang on! - All right, well, good to see ya.
Stop!
- That's her. I... - (horn honking)
I'm a little disturbed about something, Paul.
- Uh... What's that, sir? - You had a bachelor party?
(stammering) I... It's totally... It's... I...
I may be your bride-to-be's father, but I'm still a man. Huh?
You sick son of a bitch!
- I'll kill you! - (gagging) You're choking me.
Oh, no, it was, uh, it was pretty uneventful.
We just watched hours of action movies and talked about high school.
(stammering) It was a... It was a hoot.
(laughs) It's a good answer. That's my boy.
- Oh, you like that, huh? - Uh...
I know what you're thinking. It's the good life, like you see on TV.
"That could never happen to me."
Well, you've made it, son. You're one of us. Enjoy.
Welcome to the club.
Thank you.
OK, boys. Let's get started. I've been in this business a long time.
If we can get The Modern Rifleman up to 750,000,
I'll strip down to my shorts and jump in the ocean.
(laughter)
But my question is, once you strip down to your shorts,
will you actually loosen your tie? (laughs)
Have I fired you yet today, Curt?
- (laughs) - (all laugh)
OK, enough frivolity. Let's get down to business. Paul?
- Ah! - (scratching)
- Paul? - Yeah, yeah.
Tell us how the ad campaign looks for North American River & Stream.
Uh, pretty good, sir. I'm projecting...
Why don't you get up there and talk to us?
Make a presentation. Take over the room.
Hooking us is just half the battle. You still gotta reel us in, son.
(all laughing)
(scratching)
(Paul groans)
OK, uh...
(scratching)
Well, it's a good news/bad news situation.
Uh... The good news is...
...we've had steady growth over the last, uh... six months.
(all) That's good.
(scratching)
(indistinct mumbling)
Uh... (sighs) Ah!
Whoo!
Do you mind if I take a quick restroom break?
- Uh... No, go ahead. - Great.
All right, be right back.
Uh-oh. Looks like you're getting a weak bladder in the family.
- (chuckles) - (all laugh)
(clears throat)
(Paul) Oh, my God, it burns.
What is it? (groans)
(moaning) Oh... Jesus Christ!
Ted. Hey.
Goddamn it.
(man) Thank you.
- Hello. - Oh, hey. What can I do for you?
I need to get some...
...crаb medicine.
- What? - Crab medicine. (clears throat)
- Huh? - You know... (imitates scratching)
Oh, crab medicine. Um...
Let me see. Crab medicine, crab medicine, crab medicine...
- (shouts) Gladys! - What?
(shouting) Is crab medicine aisle three or aisle four?
- Crаb medicine? - Crаb medicine!
- Oh, crab medicine. - Yeah.
- Aisle three. - I'll get it, thanks. Excuse me.
Here you go. Good luck. (laughs)
So, like, are there any special directions for this stuff?
I don't know. Um... Let me just ask Phil, OK?
Hey, Phil. This crab stuff.
Is there any special application techniques?
- Oh, he wants to see it. - (woman) Paul?
My future son-in-law. I thought that was you. What a nice surprise.
- Sandra, hi. - Small world.
So, what brings you here...?
Actually, I think I forgot something...
I am so relieved that your mother decided
not to cook the rehearsal dinner.
I'm not saying anything about her cooking. It is just a really big job.
That reminds me. I've got to help her find a caterer.
Hey, there's my guy. You almost left without your stuff.
- About those crаbs... - Yeah. They were delicious.
Jeff is an incredible chef.
He gave me a recipe for, uh, Crаb Louis that was out of this world.
- (Sandra) Really? - Yeah. What?
- You're a chef? - Well, yes, I am. Yep.
I'm, uh, putting myself through cooking school,
doing the pharmacy thing, but...
Well, isn't that wonderful? Is there a chance
that you might be able to cook dinner for 20 people on Friday?
It's a rehearsal dinner for Paul and my daughter.
Oh. Um, I'm honored and everything, but...
- I can only pay $500. - Done.
- Wonderful. - Incredible.
Well, that was easy. Thank you.
Bucky, come on.
These are gonna be our in-laws, so we really have to make sure that...
Honey, I'm a pants salesman. I think I know how to act around people.
- (laughs) I know. - I can sell pants. All right.
- Give your gift, baby. - I like me inside.
- Yes. - Yeah.
Buck, Dorothy, welcome.
- Hey. - Hi!
- I'm so sorry we're late. - Please, you're fine.
- Hi, Buck. - How are ya? Nice area you got up here.
Yeah, we like it.
New Benz, I see. Must have gotten ripped off on that thing.
- I don't think so. I looked around. - Just joshing, kid. Fine vehicle.
- Hi, Dorothy. Hi, Buck. - Hey! Oh, there she is.
- Oh, hi. - What a beauty.
- What is that waist? 20 inches? - Excuse me?
- So where's the groom-to-be? - Oh. He's not here yet.
Oh, well, you know Paul. He always comes a little late.
What do you think of that, Kenny?
(both laughing)
Uh, why don't I get us all a drink?
We've already had a six-pack.
Yeah, we split that and a bag of M&M's on the way up.
(¶ Wayne Newton "Strangers in the Night")
- (man) Hors d'oeuvres, sir? - (Buck) Hey!
- Look at the size of these shrimps. - Prаwns.
- There you go, cherie. - Oh, sweetheart.
- (man) Ma'am? - Mmm-mmm.
- Hello. - Oh, good. Paul's finally here.
Sorry I'm late.
I was telling your mother about the chef I hired
to cater the rehearsal dinner.
A pharmacist studying to be a chef. That is really interesting.
Paul, there's a very special little lady in the kitchen
who can't wait to lay her eyes on you.
Let's go find Aunt Budge. I can't wait for you to meet her.
- (Sandra) They are so cute. - Yeah, they're cute together.
So, Buck, uh, are you a duffer?
Well, if you mean do I like playing with my balls, the answer's yes.
(laughter)
Oh, shit.
Oh, there's Budgie, talking to my cousin Becky.
(laughing)
Aunt Budge, this is Paul.
- He's bald. - (laughs)
Paul? (scoffs)
Oh, God. I'm sorry, Becky.
It's so good to see you. You look beautiful.
Oh! (laughs)
So how's life after Ray?
- Great. Best decision I ever made. - Yeah, you are probably right,
but it is nice to have someone to come home to.
Oh, God. Sorry.
No, it's especially nice to come home to that someone in bed with two girls.
Two girls with one man? Trust me, you never walk away satisfied.
Reminds me of the time, myself and Kathleen O'Rourke,
who was a bit of a tart...
You know what? I'm gonna go see where Paul is.
We were down at the pub celebrating. Give me some.
- Oh, no. - Oh, come on, just a little bit.
- She's gone. - It's my wine. My wine.
Anyway...
Paul? Where'd you go?
Paul?
Paul, what are you doing?
- Karen? Hey. - You're asleep?
I guess so. I lost you somehow. I guess I got disoriented.
This is really weird. Why did you just...?
OK. The truth is, I was gonna pop out and surprise you.
You know, the old under-the-coats routine?
But while I was laying here, it was so warm, I guess I dozed off.
(yawns)
OK, well, never mind. Let's go meet my Aunt Budge.
Oh, Becky, I found him. He's up here.
I'm just gonna get my purse.
He exists, I swear.
- Paul, I know you're in there. - Yeah?
- What is wrong? - (Paul) It's diarrhea.
- (groans) - Oh, no.
Maybe I should just wait here... (groans) stick it out.
Or maybe I should just leave?
No. No, you can't leave. You haven't even met Aunt Budge yet.
Why don't you just wait a little and see how you feel in a bit, OK?
Everyone, just find your names and sit down.
(all chattering indistinctly)
Well, I guess we'll sit here.
(groans)
A lot of fabric's overrated...
Ow!
I'll drink to that, Bucky, my boy. Where's that drink?
Oh, sweetie, grab it, grab it.
Hey, everyone. Um, I'd like to make a toast.
- Here's to Karen, the bride-to-be. - Oh, gosh. Thanks, Becky.
(laughing)
- Hmm. - (alarm blaring)
That's my car. Come on, Buck.
(car alarm blaring)
- Aah... - Everybody stay back.
(car alarm stops)
(Buck) Nobody touch anything. You don't disturb a crime scene.
- (indistinct chattering) - There's your culprit, Daddy.
(Ken) Well, it might be a raccoon. I'm gonna get my salt gun.
(Karen) I'm gonna go check on Paul. Hope he's feeling better.
Pretty exciting, huh?
- (Karen) Paul? - Yeah!
- Paul, honey. It's Mom. - (Paul groans)
Did you eat something spicy? You know how you get on spicy food.
Got ya in my sights. How'd you like rock salt up your ass?
Holy shit!
- Are you all right? - I'm fine!
Honey, honey, just let it come out.
- Don't push too hard. - (straining) It's almost there.
- Oh, my God. - It's bad.
- What's goin' on up here? - Paul's still not feeling well.
Still stuck on the crapper.
Yeah, you think I could get some...
- (bottle squirting) - (laughing, groaning)
...privacy, please?
- Ah! - Ooh!
- Better. Whoo! - (bottle farts)
How about some peach cobbler, everybody?
(Aunt Budge) I'd kill for some diarrhea.
I haven't had a bowel movement in 40 days.
- We'll see you Friday. - Bye-bye.
- Better hide the silver. - I'll walk you to your car.
- You didn't get to see Paul. - I can meet Paul later this week.
OK, definitely. I'm so sorry about all this.
- Good night. - OK, good night, Becky.
- (Karen) Paul, how are you feelin'? - OK, I guess. Is everyone gone?
Yep, you missed the whole party.
(Paul) Too bad. I'm starting to feel better.
(toilet flushes)
God, well, I guess it's better you get sick now than on Saturday.
That's exactly right. I just hope it's all out of my system now.
Typical. Forgot my purse.
Becky, here he is, finally. This is Paul, my husband-to-be.
Hi, Becky. Nice to meet you.
So nice to meet you, Paul. I've heard so much about you.
- All lies, I'm sure. - (both laugh)
Probably.
You look so familiar.
I get that all the time.
Right?
- You do? - Yeah.
Well, hey.
- I'll see you this weekend. - Can't wait. OK.
Nice to meet you.
So, that's Cousin Becky, huh?
She's gotten so weird. No, that's mean. She's so all-over-the-place.
One week she's working here, the next she's working there.
Now, she's working at some record store on Broad Street.
- I do feel sorry for her, though. - How come?
Her ex-boyfriend, Ray Donovan. What a psycho.
(grunts)
It's amazing how fragile the human body is, don't you think?
- Yes, sir. - Yeah. Shut the fuck up.
Come on, Ray. The guy just stole a donut.
Yeah, well, that's where it starts, Ernie! Huh?
How you doin'?
Well, hello, fellas.
- Ray. - (shouts)
Special delivery.
That's a little disheartening.
(Pete) No, no, no, no, no. You did not sleep with her cousin.
Pete, I didn't know she was her cousin.
Well, why would you sleep with anyone?
Why? When you have Karen, who's so stunning and witty
and... delectable, and has those little dimples...
- Pete. - What? You are a moron.
How is it? Is it smoking? Listen.
If you don't love it, I still have double-breasted white ones
sitting on the runway. You want to talk about a burning-hot look.
- Sizzle! - Ahmed, no, that's fine.
- This is great, thanks. - Word.
(exhales heavily)
Anyway, she was cool about it.
Was she drunk?
- What do you mean? - Wait till she's drunk.
Next Thanksgiving or Christmas, or better yet,
this Saturday at your wedding, after she's had four gin and tonics,
and she steps up to the microphone and she's telling the whole world.
That's not gonna happen.
"Everyone, your attention, please. I think you should know
that Karen's husband, Paul, nailed me last Saturday.
We had hot sex, and now I'm carrying his child.
Thank you for listening. Please return to your entrees."
- It's not gonna happen. - How are we doing in here, superstars?
Great, Ahmed. How about it, huh?
I go now.
(¶ The Briefs "New Shoes")
Right on.
(¶ Ben Kweller "Family Tree")
Excuse me, sir? There's nothing for you in that stack. Uh...
- Let me help you with that. - No, I got it...
Sorry.
What does that mean, "There's nothing for you in that stack?"
That stuff's too advanced.
- You're saying I'm not advanced? - No, I'm just saying
I know where you are musically right now,
and it's not in that stack.
And frankly, I'm not really sure it's in this store.
Oh, really? Since when did you become the music expert?
Since, uh... Tuesday?
- Mr. Shiny Shoes. - Wait.
Look, I just came by because I wanted to...
...apologize for the other night.
Oh, and for never mentioning you were marrying my cousin!
- I didn't know, I'm sorry. - No, don't apologize. You were amazing.
Oh, well, thank you.
It's just that I don't normally sleep with a girl and then just...
Hey, Paul, right? Paul?
The funny thing about that is, we didn't sleep together.
I mean, we slept together, but we didn't "sleep" together.
We didn't? So I'm not amazing?
I couldn't say, but for the record, you were cute.
And if things were different, like if you hadn't passed out
with your pants around your ankles, who knows?
If we didn't sleep together, how did I get crabs?
- You got crabs? - Yeah, you gave me crabs.
I do not have crаbs!
- You don't have crаbs? - God, no.
But if I do get crabs, I will hunt you down and kill your crabby ass.
- Then how did I get them? - I don't know. Maybe a toilet seat?
- (toilet flushes) - Hey, Paul. Congratulations, man.
- Really? That happens? - We used to see it a lot in the lab.
- The lab? - Long story.
She's hot.
(chuckles)
Listen, I'm just hoping,
you know, we're gonna know each other for the rest of our lives and...
- I'm not gonna say anything. - You say that now, but what if...?
Listen, I'm not gonna screw up what you and Karen have.
You guys are perfect for each other.
Yeah, that's right. We are.
- Why do you say that? - God, you are exhausting.
Here, buy this. You'll like it, trust me.
(¶ Ben Kweller "How Should It Be (Sha Sha)")
Record store? I thought she was a tiki dancer.
She's just so cocky, you know?
I mean, I know music. Come on, I see bands, what...?
Why does she think she knows me?
She doesn't know anything about me.
I'm cool. I wear on-the-edge clothing and hip stuff.
Hang on. Hi.
I'm Jim.
OK.
What's up with that clock? It still says ten after five.
Oh, dude, that clock just doesn't work.
Never has.
(horn honking)
(man) Asshole!
(down-tempo waltz plays)
Yes, that's it.
(indistinct chattering)
- I'm sorry I'm late. - Finally.
- (stammering) I was just... - Paul, I mean,
this is our last lesson, and you are 45 minutes late.
Look at everybody else. They are all better than us.
All right, then let's go.
- Ow! Paul. - Sorry.
Well, I hope everybody noticed Karen and Paul.
They are a textbook example of what not to do.
- (laughter) - Karen, would you mind?
Oh, Paul. This shouldn't be a chore.
Have some fun out there. Let go, enjoy yourself.
Now, this time I'm Karen, and I want to feel your joy
as you fling me... around that dance floor. OK?
- OK. - Good.
Now, I am your lady, and you be my man.
- Karen, music please. - Mmm...
- Uh! Prepare. One, two, three. - (waltz plays)
One, two, three.
Good, good.
Very good. That's it.
Watch the pretty lady as she dances around.
Yes, and yes.
That's it. We're flying, Paul. Can you feel it?
Everybody!
That's it. Good.
Howard, he is so damn graceful, isn't he?
Well, he's a dance instructor, Paul. It's his job.
I just mean a guy with his frame. You don't see it coming, and then...
Ah!
There's just something magical happens out on that dance floor, you know?
Paul, seat belt.
People surprise you, is all I'm saying.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm! Hey, did you book the string quartet?
You know, I was thinking, maybe we should do something...
I don't know, something like a band, or something.
A string quartet? I don't know if that's really our thing.
A band, playing the kind of music we like,
it's a little bit lighter, and...
Or we could stick with the string quartet, as planned.
(waltz plays)
(Karen) OK, jump out. Chop chop. I'll go find a spot.
(Paul) Oh, great. (groans)
(man) Hey, lollipop!
(Paul grunts)
OK, breathe. Just a little wind knocked out of you. There you go.
Bad news, sports fan.
You picked the wrong guy's girl to fornicate with!
- What? - See, I'm a cop. Becky belongs to me.
- I think there's a mistake. - Oh, really?
You see, because I had her followed
and the tail came back with these photos.
Skinny arms, concave chest.
- Kinda looks like you, don't you think? - No.
Ow! Shit!
Ho-ho! All these sugary snacks.
Do you actually put this stuff in your body, huh?
Oh!
(chuckles) OK! All right. Well, see,
you made the biggest mistake of your life
when you messed with my girl, cupcake.
And mistakes... have consequences.
- Help! Please, somebody! - (pager beeping)
Hello? (laughs)
Today is your lucky day. Come on.
- Come on. - I don't even know you.
- (Paul groaning) - Get in.
- Get in where? - The Dumpster.
- Really? - Yeah.
(Paul groans)
(Paul) All right, give me a second here.
(Ray) You know, you sicken me.
(Paul) Hey, I told you, there's been a mix-up!
- Ow! - (Karen) Paul?
- Ah! - Paul! What happened?
(groaning) I was... I was mugged.
Oh, my God. Paul, you're bleeding. What is all this stuff?
- Chocolate milk and cheese puffs. - Oh, my God, Paul.
I don't know. I was carrying the groceries,
and out of nowhere this guy tries to take them.
But I fought back.
I fought like a tiger. I had the strength of ten men.
Sweet.
Did you get a good look at him?
Not really, no. It all happened so fast.
What about his hair? What color was his hair?
- Red. - Red.
- Dreaded in a way that I've never seen. - Dreadlocks.
And, um, a gold tooth.
- That is so street. - Size? Was he a big man? Tall, short?
- What? - Five-six?
Or six-two.
- Somewhere in there? - Yeah.
Any identifying marks?
Yeah. A heinous scar.
- Over his left eye. - Your left eye, sir, or his left eye?
- What? - You pointed to your right.
Looking at him, would it be his left eye, or your left?
- Left side, his left side. - You're sure?
- Yeah. - Left.
Uh, he had a tattoo,
a barbwire-ish choker tattoo.
Probably gang-related.
- Gangbanger. - OK.
Was the assailant Caucasian or non-Caucasian?
- Non. - Was he black?
- Not necessarily. - What was he?
- Mix. Black, white. - Black and white?
- Light-skinned black man. - Or a dark-skinned white man.
- (Karen) It must have been confusing. - Did he say anything at all to you?
God, Paul, did he say something to you?
Yeah.
Don't keep that inside. What did he say?
- He said... - It's OK.
"Give me those groceries, whitey."
(both) "Give me your groceries, whitey."
But he could have been white himself?
- You did say that, sir. - What's going on here?
Am I on trial? Is that what it is?
I didn't even do anything. I told you, it happened all so fast...
You're safe. OK, I think that's it.
I think we're done here. I think that's about it for Paul.
- We're just trying to get the facts. - We're just trying to do our job.
- OK, good night. - Thanks.
You poor thing, sweetheart.
Just sit tight. I'm gonna go get you some aspirin, OK?
Thank you, baby.
(Karen) I'll be interested to see if the police come up with any leads.
Yeah, you know, honey, I don't think they will.
A little mugging... I'm sure they have bigger fish to fry.
But they're good men.
What are these?
Uh... I don't know.
Well, I'll tell you what they are. They're a pair of women’s underwear.
- I found them in the toilet tank. - The toilet tank?
Yeah, yeah, the water was leaking, so I went in there to lift...
What is going on here?
Did you have a girl in this apartment?
Karen! Absolutely not.
Those underwear are yours.
- No, they are not. - I mean, they were gonna be yours.
I got them for you. Uh...
For your birthday. Enjoy.
Paul, my birthday was three months ago.
I know. But see, then I found that locket you wanted,
and I gave that to you instead.
I wanted to give these to you at a later date,
so what I went ahead and did was...
...hide them in the toilet tank.
Why aren't they in a box, Paul?
- Why aren't they in a box? - Mmm-hmm.
Oddly enough, that's how they came.
I found them in an underwear bin.
A bin? Where do they sell underwear out of a bin?
Spend Mart.
So you expect me to believe that you purchased a pair of underwear,
out of a bin, at Spend Mart?
Is that your story?
Yeah.
- Oh, my God. These are dirty. - What? Oh, that's disgusting!
I can't believe those fuckers sold me dirty underwear!
That is just wrong. Boy, now I'm really glad I didn't give them to you.
- I'm hungry. Shall we eat something? - No, Paul. Listen to me.
I am not stupid. Please tell me what's going on here.
I want you to be totally honest with me.
Did you have a girl in this apartment?
I trusted you, you son of a bitch!
How do you like that?!
No, I did not.
Fine.
What are you doing?
Well, you know, I am calling Spend Mart.
I think they'd probably wanna know
that they are selling dirty women's underwear.
Karen, come on. This whole thing's silly.
I very much doubt they'll admit they sell dirty underwear.
I'm sure it's against corporate policy.
(phone ringing)
Spend Mart, where you spend less.
Yes, I have a question regarding your... underwear bins.
- Underwear bins? - Oh, yeah, see,
my fiance has informed me that he bought a pair of dirty women's underwear
out of one of your bins, and I just wanted to hear your thoughts on this.
(man) My... My thoughts?
- On our underwear bins? - (Karen) Mmm.
These are my thoughts. I'm sick of it.
It's some college kids playin' a prank.
They've been puttin' dirty underwear in our bins.
- What? - What did he say?
On behalf of Spend Mart, I'd like to apologize.
I'll tell you what. Why don't you and your fiance come on down,
and we'll exchange them for a fresh pair, or refund your money.
OK? (laughs)
- Poor bastard. - Underwear bins?
It's a guy thing.
Bullshit!
Paul, I am really sorry. I feel terrible.
It's OK, honey.
I am a terrible person for accusing you.
- No. - No, you are so honest.
I don't deserve you. Thank you.
- I love them. - I knew you would.
(knocking on door)
Let's forget about it, though. Let's pretend like it never happened.
I love you, you love me. That's all that really matters.
One sec.
I just got home from work and found these pictures in my son's room.
He was standing over them...
Are we on the same page?
Don't speak!
In the future, would you find a way to dispose of your pornography
in such a way that it doesn't wind up in the hands of little children?
Absolutely. I apologize.
- Who's at the door? - Um, our neighbor, Mr...
Minister Ferris.
Mr. Minister Ferris.
Well, hello. I'm Karen, Paul's fiancee.
Oh, congratulations. You move right along, don't you?
Hmm? (clears throat)
Well, uh, Mr. Minister Ferris just thought he'd stop by
to recommend a TV special.
- (Karen) Oh, wow, that's great. - Thanks for thinking of us.
- We'll definitely keep that... - Son.
I've got my eye on you.
(Paul) OK, then.
That was awfully thoughtful of him.
Paul, I think he was checking out your crotch.
Karen, come on, he's a man of the cloth.
Let's not rashly accuse him of being some weird pecker-checker.
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom. - OK.
Shit.
Paul?
Paul, do you smell smoke?
OK.
- Oh, shit. - (Karen) Paul?
Is something burning? I'm smelling smoke.
I lit a match, if you know what I mean.
- (Karen) Do you still have diarrhea? - Yeah, I do.
(dog barking)
I tell you, you think you got it licked,
it comes right back to kick you in the butt.
If this keeps up, we're gonna have to plan our whole wedding day
- around your bowel movements. - (knocking on door)
(sighs)
(phone rings)
- Hello? - Hey, Paul, it's Becky.
Uh... Jimmy boy. What's up?
Nothing much, Jimmy boy.
Listen, I got a visit from my lunatic ex-fiance.
He's got pictures of us together.
Hey, baby. Can I get a gin and tonic, and maybe you in bed?
Uh, I don't know what he's gonna do with them,
but he's got a steroid rage problem, so I'm thinking that's not a good thing.
- That is great news. - What's goin' on?
- It's Jim. He, uh, got a promotion. - Wow.
Here's the deal. Ray's working the night shift.
So I'm thinking we can sneak into his apartment and get the negatives tonight.
- You're the man, Jim. - OK, pick me up at ten at the Soho.
- You know where that is? - Uh-huh.
Great, don't be late. And bring a flashlight.
Paul, let me talk, I want to congratulate Jim.
Six bucks.
- I wanted to talk. - Oh, you did? I'm sorry, I just...
- (phone rings) - Mmm!
Hello? Oh, Jim, I'm glad you called back.
Congratulations on the big promotion.
Oh, thanks, Karen. It was a long time comin'.
Yeah, OK. Here's Paul.
- Jim? - Paul...
- You're getting better at this, buddy. - Hang on. Call waiting.
Hello?
Yeah? You're kidding.
Nope. I don't see him in there. I'm sorry.
Take a good, hard look. Just take your time.
- Nope, none of these guys. - Look.
Let's motor. Thank you, gentlemen.
(rock music plays)
(woman on radio) I know he means well, but I'm ready to get a divorce.
You know, even the gardener looks good to me at this point...
- (changing radio station) - Hey, those are my presets.
(¶ Wilco "Kamera")
- Hey. Who's that? - That's me. It's for the wedding video.
- You were wearing knee socks? - That's a uniform.
That was a requirement of the troop, OK?
Whoa! Hat man! Look at you in that fedora.
You know, not every kid can pull that look off.
All right? My mom said I looked like Indiana Jones.
Your mom loved you very much.
- OK, this is it. We gotta be quick. - Let's lock and load.
OK, someone is always expecting someone.
The trick is figuring out who.
(buzzers sounding)
- (man) Who's there? - (man 2) Hands off the buzzer, man.
- (man 3) Hello? - (man) I told you leave the buzzer...
- (door buzzing) - (voices clamoring on speaker)
(man) Brian, is that you?
(panting heavily)
(whispering) Holy shit.
You didn't mention that Ray had a dog. What if he wakes up?
(whispering) Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that part.
Let's just be quiet and get the pictures and get out of here.
(floorboard creaking)
What the hell is this?
- I found them. - (shattering)
(dog growling)
- (snarling) - Wait, what's his name?
Little Ray.
- We should run. - Go, go, go!
OK, right here. Hurry, close it!
(barking)
- OK, we can handle this. - (barking)
It's only a dog. I gotta be smarter than a dog, right?
Uh... OK, calm down.
(barking)
Watch this. Ready, Little Ray?
(snarling)
- (Becky) Good throw. Yeah. - We're screwed.
- (Paul) What are we gonna do? - (Becky) Good question.
(Paul) We're actually stuck in this bathtub. It could be two hours.
Ray's gonna come home and take a shower and find us in his bathtub...
- You're upset. - What?
Plus, you're on my foot. Oh, God, it's asleep.
I gotta take my boot off. Help me out.
Seriously?
- (Becky sighs) - Wow, that is one weird-looking foot.
Didn't stop you from trying to sleep with it.
You know what Karen's gonna do when she finds out about this?
- I have a pretty good idea. - She's gonna call off the wedding.
- Her dad's gonna fire me. - Maybe getting fired by Uncle Kenny
wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
- It's a good job. - Yeah? You like it?
I sell ad space in hunting and recreation magazines.
- What's not to like? - Wow.
Um, excuse me. Not everybody can just do whatever they want.
You work five different jobs. That's not the way real life works.
- Phew! Oh, do you smell that? - What?
Fear. You've got the smell of fear all over you.
All right, can we switch, please?
- What about you? - I'm trying some stuff out.
I'd rather do that than get stuck doing something I don't love.
You know, I've never been in a bathtub with a girl before.
It's not so bad, is it?
No.
Hey, I've got an idea.
OK, if I slide this door open
at the same time that you slide that door open,
we can jump out this one while the dog hops in that one. OK?
- OK. - (growling)
- Come on, Little Ray. Huh? You ready? - (Becky) OK. Ready?
- (baby talk) - (barking)
- (Little Ray growling) - (Paul growling)
- One, two, three. - (Becky screaming)
(Paul screaming)
Oh, who's the tough dog now?
(Paul) Wait, why aren't we going out the front door?
- (Becky) I'll tell you later. - (Paul) Oh, I get it.
- Take the fire escape, like on TV. - (Becky) Shh!
- (Becky whispers) Keep your voice down. - (Paul) I can do this. All right...
- (Paul) Come on, let's go. - (Becky) I can't.
I'm afraid of heights.
What? You just walked down all these stairs.
- Yeah. This is different. - It's OK. Come on.
- Let's go. We gotta go. - OK. OK.
Just hold on to the rаil.
- You got it? - (Becky yelps)
You see? It drops down.
- See? That wasn't too bad, was it? - Yeah, it was fun.
OK, let's go.
(Paul) I can't believe I pulled it off.
- (Becky) We. We pulled it off. - (Paul) We.
We could have been stuck in that tub for hours.
And I saved your life on the fire escape.
Uh-huh.
You're pretty good at this. Have you done this before?
Oh, I love this hill! Hit the gas.
- What? Here? - Go. Trust me.
- All right. - Go, go!
OK...
(both laughing)
Oh, my God! That was unbelievable!
I've never done anything like that!
- (Paul) Can we do that again? - (Becky) Sure.
- (Paul) That was fun. - Yeah, yeah. Good times.
I just never thought I'd do anything like that, you know? Just...
God, it was just amazing. You know, in the car...
Ow! (laughs)
- Anyway... - So I'll see you...?
At the rehearsal dinner.
OK.
Becky?
You and Ray, how'd that happen?
You mean, how did I end up with a psycho?
- Yeah. - What can I say? Bad taste.
Well... (chuckles)
There aren't too many winners like me out there.
You know, you joke, but you really are a good guy.
Guys like you are hard to find.
Good night.
(speaking Chinese)
(¶ The Shins "One By One All Day")
(siren wails)
Oh, shit. You gotta be kidding me.
(siren wails)
Hi.
I caught him with over an ounce of blow on his passenger seat.
That oughta put him away for a while.
Yeah, great bust, Ray. Go on out and celebrаte.
Oh, hey, Ernie, don't be afraid to rough him up a little.
He likes it.
What?
How about you start from the beginning, huh?
What beginning? I was driving. He pulled me over,
he put the drugs in my car, and now I'm here.
- What do you mean? - (laughing)
It wasn't working right, so I panicked 'cause I had to be somewhere,
and so I ran out, and that was the dance lesson.
Yeah, we know. With Howard.
That Howard... So incredibly graceful.
(woman) You fellas can go.
- Who are you? - Internal Affairs.
You were pulled over last night by Ray Donovan. Is that correct?
- Yeah, but I didn't... - Do us a favor and shut up, OK?
- We know you didn't do anything. - Really?
- Mmm-hmm. - Oh, my God. So I can go home?
(snickering)
It's not that simple. See, you need to do something for us.
No. I am getting married tomorrow. OK? I have a rehearsal...
Listen here, string bean. We don't care what you want.
- 'Cause this is about what we need. - (woman) Yeah.
(man on radio) Remember, also, to keep calm and cheerful.
Don't let petty things annoy you and get you off course.
No one wants to be a failure.
No one wants a life constantly filled with worry,
fear, frustration. Therefore, remember...
(sighs) Oh, my God.
Shit, shit, shit...
(down-tempo waltz plays)
Hey, mister.
- Oh, shit! - (answering machine beeps)
(Jim) It's Jim. Where the hell are you?
- (beeping) - (Pete) Paul, this isn't cold feet?
(beeping)
(Karen) Paul, I'm really confused. Are you all right?
(beeping)
(Pete) OK, so I guess I'll go ahead and stand in for you.
Maybe we'll see you at the rehearsal dinner.
There he is. Where you been, buddy? Karen's got her nuts in a bunch.
- (Buck) Here he is! - (all chattering indistinctly)
Sorry I'm late. I know, I know.
- Hi, baby. - Hi.
Well, here you are. About time, too. Hello.
(Jeff) Hey, there's my man.
- How did you do this? - Oh, it was nothin'.
I thought we'd start with tomato boats with the little pickle skippers,
then the asparagus a la Toastette,
and to wrap it all off, I got a little roasted rosemary chicken,
comes out with a nice crispy skin there, and it's all moist...
- OK... - Thank you.
- Are you OK? - I think so.
- Just a little tired. - OK.
But this is un... This is incredible.
This is... amazing.
Nice guy.
(¶ Spoon "You Gotta Feel It")
And, uh... just in case Mom's recipe disappoints.
- (Karen) You missed the rehearsal. - (Paul) I was stuck in traffic.
- (Karen) Traffic? - Yeah, 50 minutes...
Paul, this is Minister Green.
Let's pray you don't get stuck in traffic tomorrow, Paul.
From your mouth to God's ears. (laughs)
I have to tell you, Paul, that I've put a lot of thought
into tomorrow's ceremony.
It will be somber, sacred,
a reminder of what the true meaning of marriage is.
- That's nice. - I'm looking forward to it.
Okey-dokey, dinner's ready. OK...
Ken, you go over there. Honey, come over here.
- So, Kenny... - Huh?
- What do you think of the condo? - It's, uh, it's great.
- It... It's got a lot of... character. - Charаcter.
When I gave up the bachelor pad, I said to Dorothy,
"I'll move in with you under one condition: it's gotta reflect my style."
Huh? The Duke.
- Signed by the artist. - Hold on a minute, son.
This is juice. I'd prefer the wine.
(stuttering) I'm sorry, ma'am. Mrs. Cooper...
Well, I don't care what you were told.
Oh, I'm strong for an old lady, aren't I?
- Yes, ma'am. - Wine, please.
(Karen) Paul, honey, you look very handsome tonight.
I love that sweater on you.
- Thanks. - It's very sharp.
- Are you having fun? - (both) Absolutely.
- Great party. - I know, and it's all for us.
Yeah.
OK, we'll, I'm gonna slip off to the powder room, OK?
OK, go ahead. I'll be here.
- She's very sweet. - Yeah, I know.
(clears throat)
I'll be right back.
OK, check this out.
What is that?
The cops are onto Ray. They're making me wear this.
They're sitting outside right now, listening.
- Oh, cool. - (blowing)
(feedback)
(Becky) Check, check one. One-Adam, 12-one-Adam.
Twelve-Breaker-one-nine, this is Ex-Tiki Dancer...
- Who is she? - Some idiot.
- What are you doing? - (laughs) Oh, my God. Sorry.
I'm wearing a wire. What are we gonna do?
- (¶ The Oakridge Boys "Bobbie Sue") - This gravy is absolutely heavenly.
Somebody's... (groans) You know what I'm sayin'?
- (laughing) I... I suddenly realized... - Ah!
- ...the entire universe... - I was a surfer.
- (laughs) I had a long board. - (laughing)
You know what a real mark of greatness is? It's the Duke.
(imitating John Wayne) Why, thank ya, pilgrim.
(laughing)
Out there, ridin' on the horse, man versus nature versus himself.
'Cause man fights his own self to find out...
Everybody? Everyone? (clears throat)
- I'd like to propose a toast. - Hey!
To the chicken. Man, how good is that stuff, huh?
- (all clamoring) - We like that chicken.
The story of how Paul and Karen got together
is old news to pretty much everybody,
but I like to tell it, because it gives me a chance
to remind my brother that I am the one responsible
for all of his future happiness.
That's right, because she started talking to me first.
(both laughing)
And if I had not been married at the time,
I would have whisked her out of that bar so fast,
it would've straightened out that perm that she thought looked so good.
(laughing)
I knew right then that Karen was a special woman.
She's the kind of woman who helps a guy figure out the answers,
that she would make an incredible partner
- and a wonderful wife and mother. - (inaudible)
The minute I saw her, I knew that she would be the one.
And that Paul would be a happy man for the rest of his days.
So I raise my glass to Karen.
I wish both her and my brother all of the happiness in the world.
- Hear, hear! - (all chattering)
(Buck) Well done, Pete.
Well done. Nice job.
(¶ Tony Orlando & Dawn "Knock Three Times")
- Do you like that, padre? - It's got a great beat.
Here's the same thing, only backwards.
(playing record backwards)
That's Satan, man!
Comin' at ya.
(Karen) I cannot believe you mentioned the night we met.
When are you ever gonna let me live that down?
Come on, I mean, how many stories do I have about attrаctive women
- hitting on me in bars? - Well, I don't know.
Maybe when cute married guys don't wear wedding rings,
that is the risk they take.
You know, I actually remember the song
that was playing on the jukebox the night that we met.
Me, too.
Wait, you remember the song that was playing the night I met Karen?
Oh, yeah, it's one of those songs that sticks in your head
and ruins years of your life.
Oh, no, Pete, you are surely mistaken.
Islands in the Stream is a great song.
(Pete) Wait. What does the line...
¶ Well, we rely on each other
¶ Uh-huh
What does that mean?
Uh, it means they've just come to realize something,
that they rely on each other, and as they realize that, they say...
¶ Uh-huh
No, what they realize is that the music was still going,
and they'd run out of lyrics, so they had to make up some nonsense syllables.
- No, Pete, you're killing me. - Excuse me.
That is a beautiful song... Yeah.
Oh, wait, no, but I remember what you were wearing that night.
You looked so cute, and your eyelashes? I thought you had mascara on.
- Hey, Mom. - Oh, hi, honey.
- You got a second? - Sure, baby. It's your night. What?
- You and Buck. - Yeah?
- You're pretty happy, huh? - Oh, yeah, very happy.
I mean, your stepfather's different. He's very different,
but you know what, sweetie? There's just something about him.
He... gets me. He lets me be myself.
I've never been happier, honey.
One, two, three, draw.
- I got ya. - I think she got ya.
(laughs) I've never been happier.
(Ray) Who do you have to know to get a little Grey Poupon around here?
Ray!
It's you, in my apartment, making a sandwich.
You know, it wouldn't kill you to keep a little lettuce in the crisper.
Uh, no, it wouldn't, Ray, I know. Uh...
Ray's here. He's coming. He's here. He's right there.
I don't know what you did to get your butt outta jail,
but you think you're the only slippery guy I've ever dealt with, huh?
No, Ray.
Do you think planting evidence is all I got?
I got a whole bag of tricks!
Including kicking your ass.
You know what?
Yeah. Bring it on.
Oh, OK.
Oh!
A gift? (laughs)
Well, how do you like this package, Ray?
(grunting)
Yo' mama!
- What did you just say? - What? Uh...
Uh, Ray, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now, seriously.
That's a death lock. You ain't gettin' outta that.
This is good.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah, shoot.
How do you cheat on a girl like Becky?
I mean, how do you cheat on a girl who's funny and beautiful?
Who speaks fluent Chinese, who's afraid of heights?
Which is kinda sweet.
Such a bad dancer, and those feet...
- Hey. - A girl who... Oh, sorry.
- Police! Freeze or we'll shoot! - Ray's here.
- Where were you guys? - You're goin' away for a long time.
Wha...? Hey. For makin' a sandwich?
We'll take the tape now, Paul.
- Oh, wow, uh... - Hold on. You were wired?
Yeah, Ray, I was.
- Son of a bitch! - (shouts)
- Get him. - Get off me!
- Thanks for your help. - (Ray) Yeah, big man! Wearing a wire!
(church organ plays "Wedding March")
(Pete) This is a disaster.
We didn't all wear bow ties to school when we were 13.
I was eccentric. It was a phase.
- Are you OK? - Am I OK? Hmm. Let me see, Pete.
Well, I woke up with a tiki dancer in my bed six days ago.
Then found out she was my fiancee's cousin.
Then I got mugged by her psycho cop ex-boyfriend.
That's right, cop. Then I broke into his apartment and stole his property,
which is a felony, of course. Then I got arrested,
but not for breaking and entering,
which is probably what you were thinking.
No, for cocaine possession. Oh, and as a bonus,
- I got crabs from a toilet seat. - That's bad.
- I got rid of 'em, Pete. - Yeah.
Shit, I forgot to book the string quartet. Gimme your phone.
It's gonna be fine. It's all gonna work out.
You and Karen are gonna be together, which is...
...the most important thing.
- Because she is... - Pete, don't start, please.
- Yeah? Yo! - Jim!
- I forgot to book the string quartet. - Jimmy anticipated as much,
- and I got ya covered. - Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
Late.
- He's on it. - See? Everything's gonna be fine.
- How do I look? - Great. See you out there.
All right, thanks.
Oh, my God. (sighs)
(toilet flushes)
Ken! Uh, Mr. Cooper, I didn't...
Were you in that stall the whole time there?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna overlook what I've just heard.
I believe that you love my daughter.
And in spite of everything, Paul, you're gonna make her happy.
- Am I right? - Yeah, I can explain...
I don't wanna hear it. What's done is done.
But sir, I didn't actually do anything...
Paul, forget it.
We're men. We're hunters.
It happens.
Here.
It's a butter dish.
- And I just gave away the surprise. - Thanks.
Listen, I know that a lot of weird...
...fun weird... things have happened recently...
You know all that stuff I said about taking chances?
That was all bullshit. You're a great guy.
And Karen's a great girl, so congratulations.
See you in there.
(indistinct chattering)
- (man) Hey, Buck. - Hey, how are ya?
- Pretty big deal. - Hi, Sandy.
- Sorry. - Music all set?
- It's all good. - You're a little late.
Yeah, sorry. Tonya, you know? Chicks.
- You brought Tonya? - Uh, yeah, yeah.
I figured I'd throw her a bone before I dumped her.
- Yeah. - (Tonya) Hi, Jim.
I need my lipstick, baby. Where is it?
(laughs)
Oh! What the heck? How'd that get in there?
- Hey, Paul. - Hi.
We met at your bachelor party. I'm Tonya.
- Yeah, I remember. - You... (laughs)
You didn't warn me about this cuddle monkey. (laughs)
All week he's been writing me poems and sending me flowers...
- Whoa! Tonya, ix-nay on the oem-pays. - We had known each other
two days and he was giving me the keys to his apartment.
- Really? - Yeah. (laughs)
I love you, cuddle monkey.
I love you, too... honey bear.
- (laughs) - OK, good luck.
- Maybe I love her a little bit. - You ready? Let's do this.
Oh, I almost forgot. The minister's sick.
Something about the food last night.
What are you talking about, Pete? Who's gonna marry us?
(church organ plays)
Showtime.
(¶ Buddy Scott Trio "Born Free")
- Who are they? - What the hell is that?
¶ As the wind blows
Howard!
I know, it's rock and roll, but we just need to find the beat.
What do you think? Pretty sweet, huh? Pete?
- Howard, is this really necessary? - Take my arm.
- I don't think so. - Take it!
¶ Each time you look at a star
So pretty.
I'm Daddy's little girl, and you are my great big man.
Now, take me, hold me tight.
¶ Roaring tide
¶ So there's no need to hide
One, two... Now, fly...
- Ow! - Oh, sorry. Sorry, dear.
You're flying, sweeties! Can you feel it?
¶ Stay free
¶ Where no walls divide you
¶ You're free as the roaring tide
¶ So there's no need to hide
¶ Born free
¶ And life is worth living
- ¶ But only worth living... - (whistles)
Paul, is this some kind of joke? This is so embarrassing.
I tried... Look, people like them. It's not that bad.
- Oh, God, it sounds like a clambake. - I had no choice. I forgot...
I gave you one thing to do. What does everyone care about this music?
- Why didn't you get a band? - I didn't do it!
- (Karen) I asked you to... - Hey!
Dearly beloved...
We are gathered here today in the sight of God...
...in order to join this woman, Karen,
and this... man...
...Paul, in holy matrimony.
If there is anyone here today
who believes that these two should not be joined
for all eternity...
...let him speak now, or forever hold his peace.
I'm just gonna give you another minute or so to think about that.
Anybody?
Really, anyone at all, anyone with a reason.
And it doesn't even have to be a good reason, you know.
If anyone even has a whisper of a feeling...
...that's enough. That's good enough.
- I do. - (all gasping)
(Sandra yelps)
Hi, I'm Paul.
(all) Hi, Paul.
I think I need to tell you all something before we go any further.
Paul?
(sobbing) What's happening?
I've done some things this past week that I'm not proud of.
And people kept telling me,
"Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it, it's normal."
But... I think they're wrong.
And I'm going down a road I don't like.
I don't wanna be that guy, you know what I mean?
This is like an AA meeting.
I was talking about fear
the other day, with someone,
and it made me realize that I can't remember the last time I'd been afrаid.
I mean, really afraid.
See, I've been playing it safe. Everything I do is safe.
And marrying Karen?
Come on, that's not scary at all.
She's beautiful,
she's funny,
she's smart, she's perfect in so many ways.
But deep down, we're not right for each other.
(all gasping)
(sobbing) Oh, God. Oh, no.
Now, see, saying that was scary.
(sighs) Mr. Minister Ferris?
Yes, Paul?
I don't think Karen and I should be joined for all eternity.
(all murmuring)
(Sandra sobbing)
(Pete) ¶ Uh-huh
What's that, Pete?
I just realized something about somebody and it made me say...
¶ Uh-huh
OK, that's great, but I'm kinda in the middle of something here.
¶ Islands in the stream
¶ That is what we are
¶ No one in between
¶ How could we be wrong?
¶ Sail away with me
¶ To another world
¶ 'Cause we rely on each other
(both) ¶ Uh-huh ¶
What I realized is that I'm in love with Karen.
(laughing)
- What the hell is goin' on here? - Shut your gob and sit down.
Now, this is a wedding.
Paul, would you mind if I asked Karen to marry me?
- Uh... - Thank you. Karen?
I mean, Pete, God, I'd have to...
Not right here, not right now, but maybe after a few dates.
Oh, Pete. (laughs)
(all murmuring)
(applause)
(sobbing)
- Oh! - (all gasping)
- It's OK! I'm OK! - (all cheering)
These are the days.
(sighs)
Well, Kenny, the good news is we're still gonna be in-laws.
Huh? (grunts)
(indistinct chattering)
Becky! Hey!
Becky!
- (horns honking) - Hey!
(man) Hey, lady, did you forget somebody?
- Becky! - Stop the cab!
(horns honking)
(man) Asshole!
- Hi. - Hi.
I was gonna wait for you, but... You were great in there.
(panting) Listen.
I just...
I think I just figured something out back there.
Whoo! Because what I said...
...I don't think I would have been able to say if it wasn't for you.
And... it also made me realize something else.
What?
This.
(cheering, applause)
- Paul? - Yeah?
(¶ Ringo Starr "Blink")
(man) Where to, whitey?
(tires screeching)