送货。 哦，是电脑 高尔夫球场... Delivery. Oh, it's the computers the golf course...
[ 引擎启动 ] ...用来贿赂我们的。 终于。 [ Engine starts ] ...bribed us with. Finally.
你们不打算把它们 带进来吗？ You're not gonna bring 'em inside?
零星评。 Zero stars.
他刚刚就这样 把所有的东西 留下吗？ Did he just leave everything
在人行道上 就这样？ on the sidewalk like this?
好吧，好的。 你们来了。 Okay, good. You guys are here.
我们没保险， 所以要用腿部发力， We don't have insurance, so lift with your legs,
要保护好你的背。 艾娃，我的背 根本不挺。 brace your back. Ava, my back does not brace.
把那位 年轻人叫回来。 Call that young man back.
你有他的电话号码吗， 巴布？ You got his phone number, Barb?
我在接电话之前 会拨打411 -- I will dial 411 before I pick up --
耶稣会帮助。 Jesus would help.
耶稣身材瘦削，33岁， 肌肉发达。 Jesus was lean, 33, with muscles.
嗯。热。 [ 门打开 ] Mmm. Hot. [ Door opens ]
难道不是还有 四个这样的东西吗？ Weren't there, like, four more of these?
啊！ 我们被抢了。 Ah! We were robbed.
好吧，至少这次， 我没有被打。 Well, at least this time, I wasn't slapped.
现在可能在 百老汇街上已经在卖了。 Probably already selling 'em on Broad Street by now.
你知道吗， 也许他们需要这些。 You know what, maybe they needed 'em.
嘿。我有便宜的电脑 给你们。 Hey. I got computers for the low-low.
买三件，送一件。 跟我谈钱。 Buy three, get one free. Talk money to me.
多少钱， 兄弟？ 不要。 不要。 How much, brother? No. No.
贾昆！我会 给你妈妈打电话。 Jaquon! I will call your mother.
把那些 东西放回去！ Put those things back!
不要 -- 不要 那样做。 Don't -- Don't do that.
嗯哼。 Mm-hmm.
[制造者的"Hold'em"游戏中] [ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]
那只海龟是给你的。 And that turtle is for you.
好好享受你的新朋友。 Enjoy your new friend.
呃，呃，珍妮？ 嗯。 Uh, uh, Janine? Yeah.
为什么图书馆里有 松散的动物？ Why are there loose animals in the library?
他们要把funk带进Funk & Wagnalls。 They're gonna put the funk in Funk & Wagnalls.
是的，不，我知道， 但它们是被关起来的， Yeah, no, I know, but they're caged,
我会打扫干净。 我保证。 and I will clean up. I promise.
[豚鼠尖叫声] [ Guinea pig squeaks ]
呃，华盛顿女士， 给你一条金鱼。 Uh, Ms. Washington, a goldfish for you.
珍妮：我有一个很大的胜利 来分享。 Janine: I have a really big win to share.
我们问了区里 要资金 We asked the district for funding
用于更多的课后项目， for more afterschool programs,
所以他们给了我们50美元 作为课堂宠物。 so they gave us $50 for class pets instead.
有时候你得 瞄准月球， Sometimes you gotta shoot for the moon,
如果你错过了，你会落在 一颗星...鱼上。海星。 and if you miss, you land on a star...fish. Starfish.
而且，霍华德女士，我给你 the鱼你要的。 And, Mrs. Howard, I got you the fish you asked for.
哦！ Ohh!
我有一件流畅的长袍， 正是这个色调的紫红色。 I have a flowy gown in this very shade of magenta.
[ 两人都笑了 ] [ Both chuckle ]
还有，格雷戈里， 你的宠物石头。 And, Gregory, your pet rock.
非常感谢你 关注预算。 Thank you so much for being budget conscious.
哦，不是因为那个。 我小时候有一个这样的。 Oh, it wasn't because of that. I had one of these growing up.
好的。 Alrighty.
好吧，给我一只 豚鼠，还有一只给 -- Okay, guinea pig for me and a guinea pig for --
梅丽莎！ Melissa!
豚鼠。 什么？ Guinea pig. What?
你忘了 填写表格， You forgot to fill out the form,
而且宠物店 正在进行买一送一的促销，所以... and the pet store was having a BOGO sale, so...
是的，我没有忘记 填写它。 Yeah, I didn't forget to fill it out.
我不想要一只。 我不喜欢宠物。 I didn't want one. I don't like pets.
梅丽莎。 Melissa.
嘿，你什么意思， 你不喜欢宠物？ Hey, what do you mean, you don't like pets?
我不喜欢它们。 我小时候从未养过它们 I don't like 'em. I never had 'em growing up
因为它们 太麻烦了。 'cause they're just too much work.
它们会臭，然后死去， They smell, then they die,
你还得向孩子们解释这件事。 and you gotta explain that to the kids.
这太多了。 我不想要。 It's too much. I don't want it.
好吧，看，假如我帮你呢？ Well, look, look, what if I-I help you out?
你知道的，我会清理它的笼子， 我会喂它。 You know, I will clean its cage, I'll feed it.
你不用 动一下手指。 You won't have to lift a finger.
来吧，梅莉梅， 你的孩子们会喜欢的。 Come on, Mellie Mel, your kids will love it.
而且，如果他们是 唯一没有班级宠物的孩子， Besides, the kids are gonna be really upset
那他们会真的很失望。 if they're the only ones without a class pet.
你可不想那样，对吧？ Don't want that, now, do ya?
[ 豚鼠尖叫 ] [ Guinea pig squeaking ]
某种程度上你说得对，真让我生气，孩子。 You're right in a way that really pisses me off, kid.
哎呀，谢谢你。 Aww, thank you.
好的。 Okay.
还有，约翰逊先生， 你请求了一只熊。 And, Mr. Johnson, you requested a bear.
我确实请了。 好的。 I sure did. Okay.
你愿意接受 一个熊抱吗？ Would you settle for a bear hug?
[ 笑 ] 哦。 [ 笑 ] 好的。 [ Laughing ] D'aww. [ Laughing ] Okay.
哎呀，里面 smells like ass。 Aww. It smells like ass in here.
是的，确实如此。 我非常抱歉。 Yeah, it really does. I'm so sorry.
[脚步声咔嗒] [ Footsteps clicking ]
嘿，艾娃。 Hey, Ava.
我已经设置好了我的电脑，但我没有 I've set up my computer, but I don't have
任何区的软件， any of the district software,
所以我在老区提交了票。 so I'm putting in a ticket at the old district.
不，你错了。他们甚至不知道我们把这些电脑当作贿赂拿了。 No, you are not. They don't even know we took these computers as bribes.
我们甚至不被允许接受捐赠的电脑。 We're not even allowed to accept donated computers.
我有一个计划。 I got a plan.
艾娃：这个地区不会对任何电脑提供服务。 Ava: The district won't service any computers
不属于他们的， that don't belong to them,
但他们总是失误。 but they drop the ball all the time,
所以我就告诉他们我提交了一个工单。 so I'll just tell them that I submitted a ticket
很久以前，他们给了我们这些电脑， a long time ago for these computers that they gave us,
他们没有跟踪记录。 that they didn't keep track of.
我喜欢制造怀疑和混乱。 I like to cause doubt and confusion
通过创造一个不存在的记忆。 by creating a memory that doesn't exist.
有人称之为煤气灯效应。 Some call it gaslighting.
我称之为孩子们在教室里有电脑。 I call it kids have computers in their classrooms.
贾宁：好的。 [豚鼠尖叫] Janine: Okay. [ Guinea pig squeaking ]
[倒吸一口气] [ Gasps ]
你得小心这个，因为他会咬人。 You just gotta watch out for this one 'cause he's a biter.
[笑] 所以 -- 是的， 我告诉你。 [ Chuckles ] So -- Yeah, I'll tell you what.
如果那东西咬了我， If that thing bites me,
我会把它快速扔到墙上。 I'm fastballing it into the wall.
好吧，但咬人 是...的表现， Okay, but biting is a sign of...
[笼子碰撞声] ...亲密。 [ Cage clangs ] ...affection.
我 -- 我... I -- I...
小心。 Watch out.
他没有咬我。 He didn't bite me.
他在热身 -- 天哪！ [豚鼠吱吱叫] He's warming up -- God! [ Guinea pig chirps ]
[咂嘴] 哦！ [ Clicks tongue ] Ooh!
向我露出牙齿。 多么迷人的微笑。 Bared his teeth at me. What a smile.
他喜欢你的毛衣。 哦？[笑] He likes your sweater. Oh? [ Chuckles ]
[皱眉] 这种表现真奇怪。 [ Winces ] Odd way of showing it.
真正的问题是... 嗯哼。 The real question is... Mm-hmm.
我们只是随便待着吗？ We just hanging out?
听着，有个IT怪人 今天会过来 Look, some IT wonk is coming by today
把电脑弄好。 to get the computers 'putin.
他无法知道 这些是捐赠的， He cannot know they're donated,
所以如果你喜欢新电脑， 就像旧地毯一样撒谎。 so if you love new computers, lie like an old carpet.
我不能，我不想， 我不会撒谎。 I cannot, I do not, I will not lie.
我听到你告诉雅宁 她看起来很酷 I heard you tell Janine she looked cool
穿着那件 搞笑的毛衣。 in that goofy sweater.
好吧，你抓到我了。 你只需要装傻。 Okay, you caught me. All you have to do is play dumb.
雅各布，你现在做的那个表情 太完美了。 Jacob, that face you're making right now is perfect.
傻得要命。 什么？ 这就是我的正常脸。 Dumb as hell. What? This is my normal face.
而且， 我-我不能装傻。 Besides, I-I can't play dumb.
嗨，我是O'Shon。 Hi, I'm O'Shon.
哦。 [ 爱尔兰口音 ] 早上好，O'Shon。 Oh. [ Irish accent ] Top o' the morning to you, O'Shon.
[ 正常声音 ] 我是O'Jacob。 不，我是在开玩笑。 [ Normal voice ] I'm O'Jacob. No, I'm just joking.
只是雅各布。 [ 笑 ] 只是—— It's just Jacob. [ Chuckles ] Just --
给你一点爱尔兰幽默，朋友。 Just a little Irish humor for you, bloke.
抱歉，我有点傻。 哇。我能做到。 Sorry, I'm dumb. Wow. I can do it.
O'Shon：我想， 呃，我们丢了 O'Shon: I guess, uh, we lost
提供技术支持的票。 the ticket to provide tech support.
呃，我们有时候会积压， 但没有借口。 Uh, we get backlogged sometimes, but no excuses.
我现在在这里。 是的，你确实搞砸了这件事， I'm here now. Yeah, you really screwed the pooch on that one,
所以如果你能安装 软件然后离开就好。 so if you could just install the software and be on your way.
需要几天才能把一切准备好。 It'll take a few days to get everything set up,
但我现在就去做。 but I'll get on it now.
[ 喘息 ] 奥肖恩？ 天哪。 [ Gasps ] O'Shon? Crikey.
芭芭拉：那个男人很帅。 Barbara: That man is handsome.
首先，他戴眼镜。 First of all, he wears glasses.
第二， 你们俩需要一对。 Second of all, you two need a pair
如果你觉得他很有吸引力。 if you think he's attractive.
请。 Please.
我只是说，在这三种岩石类型中， I'm just saying, of the three rock types,
我觉得这真的很酷。 I think it's really cool that
我的孩子们得到了一块变质岩。 my kids got a metamorphic rock.
想象我被困在某种情况下 Imagine me stuck with some kind of
对不起 沉积岩。 sorry sedimentary rock.
完全不行。真的，非常， 非常酷。[ 笑 ] Totally. No. So very, very cool. [ Chuckles ]
好的。那么，你知道谁不咬人吗？谁？ Alright. Well, you know who doesn't bite? Who?
德维恩 "宠物" 洛克森。 Dwayne "The Pet" Rockson.
好的。格雷戈里， Okay. Gregory,
这是他们的爱语言。 it is their love language.
豚鼠不能像猫和狗那样舔，所以…… Guinea pigs cannot lick like cats and dogs can, so...
不要让那只豚鼠在你的教室里乱跑。 Don't let that guinea pig loose in your classroom.
你知道它们会长到 它们环境的大小，对吧？ You know they grow to the size of their environment, right?
我想你是在想 金鱼。 是的。 I think you're thinking of goldfish. Yeah.
那解释一下灰熊， 笨蛋。 Explain grizzlies, then, dumbass.
[ 垃圾桶砸了一下 ] [ Trash can thumps ]
你那里 有什么？ 哦，我告诉你 我这里有什么。 What do you got there? Oh, I'll tell you what I got here.
问这个干嘛？ 我整个下午就是 我这里有什么。 Why even ask? My entire afternoon is what I've got here.
首先，孩子们说 豚鼠很无聊， First, the kids said the guinea pig was bored,
所以我不得不给它买这个小 稻草垫子让它啃。 so I had to get him this little straw mat for it to gnaw on.
然后，甜心 不喜欢那便宜的饲料， Then, Sweet Cheeks didn't like that cheap feed,
所以我得给这干草做 餐前准备。 so I gotta meal prep this hay.
接着，那愚蠢的稻草床垫 不够舒服， Then, that stupid straw mattress wasn't comfy enough,
所以我不得不逐个搭 建这个小房子。 so I had to build this tiny house stick by stick.
太感谢你了，提格斯。 Thanks a lot, Teagues.
我就知道，这一开始 就是个坏主意。 I knew it, this was a bad idea from the jump.
这正是人们不应该养宠物的原因。 This is exactly why people shouldn't have pets.
我没有时间去做我的工作 还要照顾一只老鼠。 I don't have time to do my job and take care of some rat.
我看起来像是 阿普丽尔·奧尼尔吗？ What do I look like, April O'Neil?
豚鼠甚至 没那么可爱。 Guinea pig's not even that cute.
我讨厌那该死的 豚鼠。 I hate that freaking guinea pig.
什么？ What?
梅丽莎，对不起 这只豚鼠让你的生活更困难了。 Melissa, I'm sorry this guinea pig is making your life harder.
听着，我要把它 带回商店。 Look, I'm gonna take it back to the store.
也许我们可以用那$4.77 买别的东西。 Maybe we can use that $4.77 on something else.
没门。 我的孩子会受不了的。 No way. My kids would lose it.
甜蜜的脸蛋和我 只能互相陪伴 Sweet Cheeks and I are stuck with each other
直到我们其中一个死去， 而且不会是我。 'til one of us dies, and it ain't gonna be me.
好吧，至少你这个周末 不用担心它，所以下... Alright, well, at least you don't have to worry about him over the weekend, so...
那是什么意思？ What does that mean?
你知道，学生们， 他们轮流 You know, the students, they take turns
在周末照顾宠物。 hosting the pets over the weekends.
孩子们可以学到 责任感， The kids get to learn responsibility,
而豚鼠 也能看到外面 多么广阔、 and the guinea pigs get to see what a big,
美丽的世界。 beautiful world it is out there.
对，对。好吧。 那就好。 是的。 Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, good. Yeah.
只要它不在我漂亮的头发里。 [ 重重地呼气 ] As long as it's out of my gorgeous hair. [ Exhales sharply ]
这些电脑对一张三年旧的票 来说算是相当新。 These computers are pretty new for a three-year-old ticket.
哦，我不知道。 [ 笑 ] Oh, I wouldn't know. [ Chuckles ]
这些玩意儿对我来说 都差不多。 These contraptions all seem the same to me.
[ 笑 ] 好吧。 [ Chuckles ] Okay.
只是，这些电脑， It's just that, these computers,
他们有特征 我通常只见到 -- they have features I usually only see --
但，你知道，怎么能 启动这样一台机器呢？ But, you know, how would one turn on a machine such as this?
我知道如何启动 这些电脑。 I know how to start these computers.
我只需把这个 英俊的年轻人引开注意 I just have to throw this handsome young man off the scent
为了更大的利益。 for the greater good.
原谅我，主。 Forgive me, Lord.
女士，呃，请不要 误解我的意思... 嗯哼。 Ma'am, uh, please don't take this the wrong way... Mm-hmm.
...但你对这件事 熟悉吗？ ...but are you familiar with this thing?
比如更新它，打开你的 浏览器，查看你的电子邮件？ Like updating it, opening your browser, checking your e-mail?
这 -- 这都好吗？ 哦，我可以查收电子邮件。 [笑] That's -- That's all good? Oh, I can check an e-mail. [ Chuckles ]
我真正想问的是， My real question is,
什么是电子邮件？ what is an e-mail?
[学校钟声响起] [ School bell rings ]
这不应该 花太长时间。 This shouldn't take too long.
你所有的一切 都设置得差不多了。 You've got everything pretty set up.
你只需要 权限和许可证。 You just need the permissions and licenses.
是的。 Yeah.
他们在这附近叫我雅各布·乔布斯 They call me Jacob Jobs around these parts
'因为我总是... [啧嘴声] 'cause I'm always... [tongue clicking]
...咔咔作响。 ...click-clacking.
酷。 是O'Shon吗？ Cool. O'Shon, is it?
如果你告诉我 你知道的一切 关于计算机的事呢？ What if you tell me everything you know about computers?
最后，规则第11条 -- 指定的豚鼠食物 Finally, rule number 11 -- Designated guinea pig food
仅限过滤水。 and filtered water only.
好吗？别的都不行。 你们明白了吗，伙计们？ Okay? Nothing else. You got it, guys?
规则旁边的星星 意味着它特别重要。 That star next to the rule means it's extra important.
它们都有星星。 They all have stars.
那是因为它们都 很重要。 That's 'cause they're all important.
不，亲爱的。来吧。 别敲打。 No, honey. Come on. No tapping.
这让 甜心感到压力。 It stresses Sweet Cheeks out.
好了，看看。 谁会先带他走？ Alright, let's see. Who's going to take him first?
亚伦。 Aaron.
你得停下来，孩子。 来吧。 You gotta stop that, kid. Come on.
你可能会伤到自己。 You could hurt yourself.
不，我不能。 我不觉得疼。 No, I can't. I don't feel pain.
豚鼠会吗？ Do guinea pigs?
[ 铅笔敲打声 ] [ Pencil tapping ]
不再给亚伦铅笔了。 No more pencils for Aaron.
之后，我会去 图书馆，然后我就完成了。 After this, I'll hit the library, and then I'm done.
他们不是最懂技术的， 但你有一支非常好的员工。 They're not the most tech savvy, but you got a really nice staff.
是的，我们在这里就是一个大家庭。 [笑] Yeah, we're just one big family here. [ Chuckles ]
哦，你已经在这里安装了一些程序。 Oh, you already got a few programs on here.
哇。这是一些 非常强大的编辑 Wow. This is some extremely high-powered editing
和特效软件。 and special effects software.
你是在拍一部大预算 的电影吗？[笑] Are you making a big-budget movie? [ Chuckles ]
好吧，我可不想让一张 增强型显卡 Well, I'm not gonna let a souped-up graphics card
和一台第14代处理器 浪费掉。 and a 14th-generation processor go to waste.
我正在编辑一系列 关于Janine的深度伪造视频。 I'm editing a series of deepfakes of Janine.
她完全不知道有什么 在等着她。[笑] She has no idea what's coming. [ Laughs ]
好吧， 我去喝杯咖啡。 Alright, I'm gonna grab a coffee.
隐身模式不会留下 任何历史记录，对吗？ Incognito Mode doesn't leave a history, right?
再见。 Auf Wiedersehen.
这个区没有 a任何14代的东西。 The district doesn't have a 14th generation of anything.
所以，这周末还打算去 打击练习场吗？ So, still going to the batting cages this weekend?
当然。 Absolutely.
我在挥杆时还有几个问题。 嗯嗯。 I still have a few holes in my swing. Mm-hmm.
你想不想来 和我一起练习一下？ You wanna come take some hacks with me?
我不知道那是什么意思， 但，是的，我想。 I don't know what that means, but, yeah, I do.
没关系。 我会教你。 It's okay. I'll teach you.
好吧。我迫不及待 想学习了。 真恶心！ Okay. I can't wait to learn. Yuck!
有人请给我 a lobotomy。 Somebody please give me a lobotomy.
[ 门打开 ] [ Door opens ]
好吧， 猜猜谁有两个拇指 Well, guess who's got two thumbs
还有一只豚鼠 to dispose of？ and a guinea pig to dispose of?
什么？ 没错。 What? Yep.
今天早上进来的时候， Sweet Cheeks已经翻了。 Came in this morning, and Sweet Cheeks was belly up.
你看，这正是为什么 you应该养一只宠物石头。 See, this is exactly why you should've got a pet rock.
我的学生们正在建立 a bond that will 持续到永恒。 My students are developing a bond that will last for eternity.
Melissa， 你确定它死了吗？ Melissa, are you sure it's dead?
就在前几天， 我还以为我的鱼死了。 Just the other day, I thought my fish was dead.
[ 吸气 ] 她只是在 taking her beauty sleep。 [ Clicks tongue ] She was just taking her beauty sleep.
也许我应该给她的水族箱加个小梳妆台。 Maybe I ought to add a tiny vanity to her aquarium.
是的。 Yes.
嘿，Shirley， 给我点一个小 Hey, Shirley, order me a little
鱼镜子 for Queen LaSeafah。 fish mirror for Queen LaSeafah.
嗯。 是的。 Mmm. Yeah.
你看，我早就告诉过你 这会发生。 See, I told you this was gonna happen.
不，他们在商店告诉我， 那只豚鼠会活着， No, they told me at the store
至少能撑过一个学年。 that the guinea pig would live for at least the school year.
好吧，猜猜看？他们不是 guinea pig doctors，对吧？ Well, guess what? They're not guinea pig doctors, are they?
没了。所以现在我得跟我的孩子们谈谈死亡。 It's gone. So now I gotta give my kids the death talk.
哦，我的天哪，梅莉莎，我是—— Oh, my God, Melissa, I am --
我真抱歉。这真是一场灾难。哦。 I'm so sorry. This is a disaster. Oh.
嗯，我可以为你做点什么吗？ Um, can I get you anything?
悲伤辅导，一个拥抱，或者……不！ Grief counseling, a hug, or... No!
……我可以带你出去喝一杯吗？ ...I can take you out for a drink?
珍妮，我不需要啤酒 Janine, I don't need a beer
来为一只死豚鼠，明白吗？ for a dead guinea pig, okay?
我会像往常一样做。我会回家， I'm gonna do what I always do. I'mma go home,
把一些肋骨放进慢炖锅里，然后看《家庭主妇》。 throw some baby backs in the slow cooker, and watch "Housewives."
好吧，也许我可以过来。 Okay, well, maybe I can come over.
这真的没有必要。 That's really not necessary.
而且，我今晚要清洗地毯。 Also, I'm getting my carpets cleaned tonight.
哦，但——等你在做肋骨的时候？而且还是晚上？ Oh, but -- while you cook ribs? And also at night?
是的，我得到了折扣。 Yeah, I got a discount.
什么，你想让我在脏地板上吃肋骨？ What, you want me to eat ribs on a dirty floor?
而且，你问这么多问题干嘛，嗯？哇。 Also, what is with all the questions, huh? Whoa.
我的意思是，我们可以吗？我们可以。 I mean, are we good? We're good.
你还好吗？ Are you good?
呃。我的天。 Ugh. My God.
贾宁，别受伤。 什么？ Janine, don't get hurt. What?
我感觉糟透了。我是说，我逼 梅利莎去做一些事 I feel awful. I mean, I pushed Melissa to do something
她并不想做， 结果并不理想。 she didn't want, and it didn't work out.
不应该尝试 去坚持 Should not have tried to assert
我的豚鼠计划。 my guinea pig agenda.
[ 叹气 ] [ Sighs ]
我可能已经长大，但我仍然 会犯菜鸟的错误。 I might be grown, but I can still make rookie mistakes.
我很抱歉， 但这就是， I'm so sorry, but that's just,
你知道，生命的循环。 对吧，孩子们？ you know, the circle of life. Right, kids?
生活就是这样。 Life is just like that.
[ 学生们哭泣、抽泣 ] 引用弗兰克·辛纳屈的 《那就是生活》， [ Students crying, sniffling ] To quote Frank Sinatra's "That's Life,"
"那就是生活。" "That's life."
所以，如果你愿意，随时来找我 问任何问题 So, if you want, just come to me with any questions
你可能有， 放心， you might have, and rest assured that
甜妞在一个 更好的地方。 Sweet Cheeks is in a better place.
嗯嗯嗯。 Mmm-mmm-mmm.
那个人把“形式” 放在信息技术里。 That man put the "form" in information technology.
是啊。他真是个 火狐。 [ 嘲笑 ] Yeah. He's a real Firefox. [ Giggles ]
快去使用Chrome。 Get your ass on Chrome.
总之，他看起来就像我 五年前的样子， Anyway, he looks just like me five years ago,
但更多头发。 but with more hair.
这个人是个胆小鬼。 This man is a weenie.
抱歉，科尔曼校长， Excuse me, Principal Coleman,
我可以跟你谈谈电脑吗？ can I talk to you for a second about the computers?
当然。 兄弟，早上好。 Sure. Grand rising, brother.
下午好。 你是那个男人吗？ Good afternoon. Are you the man
我们必须感谢能够使用的 that we have to thank for being able to use
这些奇妙的电脑？ these wonderful computers?
我只是安装了一些新程序。 I just installed some new programs, is all.
能够工作真是一种祝福。 Well, it is just a blessing to be able to work
在全新电脑上。 on brand-new computers.
孩子们，呃——孩子们都很喜欢它。 The kids are, uh -- the kids are loving it.
他们现在有Roblox，而不是“俄勒冈小径”。 Instead of "Oregon Trail," they now have Roblox,
他们不应该在学校玩这个， which they shouldn't be playing at school,
但是，呃，还是。 [ chuckles ] but, uh, still. [ Chuckles ]
这将会是一个真正的改变者。 It's going to be a real difference maker.
嗯，这些新电脑会让我的学生领先。 Mm-hmm. These new computers are going to put my students ahead
总是想要将它们抛在身后的曲线。 of the curve that so often wants to leave them behind.
嗯。 Mm.
所以，我没有一整天的时间。 So, I don't have all day.
哦，我的天。 Oh, my God.
电脑里 有可汗学院。 The computers have Khan Academy.
[ 学生们兴奋地 聊着 ] [ Students chattering excitedly ]
你想告诉我什么？ What did you want to tell me?
是的，呃，你知道吗？ 可以等一下。 Yeah, uh, you know what? It can wait.
[ 聊天继续 ] [ Chatter continues ]
[ 吹口哨 ] 嘿。 哦！再见，梅丽莎。 [ Whistling ] Hey. Oh! Bye, Melissa.
嘿，你能 带我回家吗？ Hey, would you mind giving me a ride to my place?
呃，好的，当然。 Uh, yeah, sure.
但你不是刚才 走掉的吗？ But didn't your ride just walk out?
你没有和梅丽莎 一起进来吗？ 她，呃，正在外面。 You didn't come in with Melissa? She's, uh, going out.
真的吗？ 她要出去吗？ Really? Going out?
她告诉我她有肋排 在慢炖锅里 She told me she had ribs in the slow cooker
并且她要给地毯 清洗一下，所以…… and that she was getting her carpets cleaned, so...
哦，那是她 现在这么说吗？ Oh, is that what she's calling it now?
过于分享。 TMI.
你在说什么？ What are you talking about?
她告诉我 她有约会。 She told me she's got a date.
真的吗？ Really?
那她为什么要在这方面撒谎？ Now, why would she lie about that?
我想她把这件事保得 超级秘密，因为她， I think she's keeping it super secret because she's,
真的很喜欢他。 嗯。 like, really into him. Huh.
她已经给他起了个外号。 She already has a nickname for him.
哦，是吗？ 她叫他"甜美的脸颊。" Oh, yeah? She calls him "Sweet Cheeks."
"甜美的脸颊"？ 嗯。 "Sweet Cheeks"? Mm-hmm.
我几乎开始怀念 我对她的了解少些的时候。 I almost miss when I knew less about her.
抱歉，打扰一下。嗯... 其实，我们能去喝一杯吗？ Excuse me. Sorry. Um... Matter of fact, can we just go get a...drink?
♪ 但是豚鼠 只想玩得开心 ♪ ♪ But guinea pigs just wanna have fu-un ♪
♪ 哦，还有甜美的脸颊 只想要 ♪ ♪ Oh, and Sweet Cheeks just wanna have ♪
♪ 你只想要 ♪ ♪ You just wanna ♪
哦，天哪... [ 笑 ] Oh, holy... [ Chuckles ]
我有个问题要问你， 梅利莎。 I got a question for you, Melissa.
我甚至都没看到你进来。 I didn't even see you come in.
[ 嗤 ] 哦，梅利莎， 梅利莎，梅利莎。 [ Scoffs ] Oh, Melissa, Melissa, Melissa.
[ 脚步声 ] [ Feet slam ]
那么，你的地毯清洁剂怎么样？ So, how was your carpet cleaner?
很好。 是吗？ 地毯都干净了吗？ Yeah, fine. Yeah? Carpets all clean?
非常。 嗯嗯？都擦亮了吗？ [ 嘴唇发出噼啪声 ] Very. Mm-hmm? All polished up? [ Lips pop ]
好的，洗过了， 但是是的。 Okay, shampooed, but yeah.
有趣。哦。 Interesting. Oh.
你问错问题了。 好吧。 You're asking the wrong questions. Okay.
那么，梅丽莎，你把 甜蜜脸蛋的尸体放在哪儿了？ So, Melissa, where'd you put Sweet Cheeks' body?
扔了。 Trashed it.
哦，是吗？ 扔在哪个垃圾里？ Oh, yeah? Which trash?
嘿，你现在在说什么？ Hey, what are you getting at, now?
[ 笑 ] 这个家伙。 [ Laughing ] This guy.
你在那个慢炖锅上 花了多少时间？ How much time did you do on that slow cooker?
温度是多少？ And at what temperature?
这里发生了什么？ 就告诉她。 What's happening here? Just tell her.
我知道 甜蜜脸蛋还活着。 I know Sweet Cheeks is alive.
是的。我看到你放学后 和他一起开车走了。 Yeah. I saw you driving off after school with him.
梅丽莎，你有什么不法计划？ What kind of nefarious plan you got here, Melissa?
你要把他修好 然后转手挣钱，是吧？ What, you gonna fix him up and flip him for profit, huh?
把他的轮子连到你家，让你再也 Wire his wheel to your house so you never
不用付 电费了？ have to pay for electricity again?
不！ 那到底是什么？ No! Then what is it?
我爱他。好吧？ 我爱甜蜜脸蛋。 I love him. Okay? I love Sweet Cheeks.
我喜欢上他了。 我把他带回家了。 He grew on me. I took him home.
等一下。 Wait.
所以你给你的班级 上了死亡教育课 So you gave the death talk to your class
为了一个仍然旋转和咬人的豚鼠？ for a guinea pig that still spins and bites?
哦，我的拉撒路。嗯！ 梅莉莎，你没有。 Oh, my Lazarus. Mm! Melissa, you didn't.
嘿，既然我知道 究竟发生了什么， Hey, now that I know what's really going on,
你觉得我们真的 能把地毯清洗吗？ do you think we could actually get the carpets cleaned?
不！ No!
情节反转。 M. Night Shyamalan中的"M" Plot twist. The "M" in M. Night Shyamalan
代表"梅莉莎。" stands for "Melissa."
是的，是的。放弃吧， 梅莉莎·奈特·沙马兰。 Yeah, yeah. Give it up, Melissa Night Shyamalan.
伙计们， 还有其他导演。 Guys, there are other directors.
这并不意味着他是 唯一的本地导演。 Just because he's local does not mean he's the only director.
你今天要把甜心带回来。 You are bringing Sweet Cheeks back in here today.
否则。 否则……？ Or else. Or else...?
否则我就告诉 你的孩子他还活着， Or else I'm going to tell your kids that he's still alive,
你得面对它。 and you're going to have to deal with it.
你有时间到 午餐后。 You have until after lunch.
嘿， 我需要跟你说话。 Hey, I need to speak to you.
你在跟谁说话？ Who you talking to?
你。 You.
你想要什么？ What do you want?
我知道没有 丢失的票。 I know there wasn't a lost ticket,
我知道这个学区没有给你这些电脑。 and I know that the district did not give you these computers.
该死！是谁送出去的？巴布？ Damn it! Who gave it away? Barb?
是科尔曼校长。 It was Principal Coleman.
那不可能。 那是我。 Well, that can't be right. That's me.
当你提到 处理器时， When you mentioned the processor,
这确认了我 已经在想的事情。 it confirmed what I was already thinking.
即使是学区分发的 最新电脑， Even the newest computers that the district distributes
也没有14代处理器。 don't have the 14th-generation processor.
你从哪里得到这些？ 呸！ Where did you get these? Tuh!
你认为我通过在压力下屈服 才坐上这个椅子的吗？ You think I got in this chair by folding under pressure?
不。 但如果你不告诉我， No. But if you don't tell me,
我就得假设它们是被盗的 并报告上去。 I have to assume they're stolen and report it.
我们让那些富人 建高尔夫球场来 We got the rich people building the golf course
捐赠这些。 to donate them.
你们“得到了”它们？ You "got" them to?
好吧，这是勒索， 黑人。 Fine. It was blackmail, black man.
贿赂， 互惠互利。 A bribe, quid pro quo.
他们在做非法的工作， 我们需要资源。 They were doing illegal work, and we needed the resources.
听着，学区不会允许这样的事情。 Look, the district is not going to allow this.
你知道吗？ 拿走它们吧。 You know what? Take them.
我会找到其他方法 来给我的孩子们买电脑。 I'll find another way to get my kids computers.
[ 手机点击声 ] [ Cellphone clicks ]
我不打算举报你。 I'm not gonna report you.
很明显，你们都需要 这些电脑， It's obvious that you all need these computers,
而阴谋是你们能够 得到它们的唯一方法。 and scheming is the only way that you're able to get them.
我可以请教一下吗？ I beg my pardon?
但我们需要按照我的 条件来做事， But we need to do things on my terms
这样我们都不会被 抓住。 so that none of us get caught.
我可不想因此 失去我的工作。 I'm not losing my job over this.
我知道你也不想 失去你的工作。 And I know you do not want to lose yours.
你要停止这样跟我说话。 You gone stop talking to me like that.
请坐。 Have a seat.
好吧，所以，有些孩子 可能有猫， Okay, so, now, some of these kids might have cats,
但你只要记住 我们的训练课程， but you just remember our training sessions,
你会没事的。 and you're gonna be fine.
是的。 Yeah.
是的，宝贝。 [ 敲门声 ] Yeah, baby. [ Knocking on door ]
你好吗？ How you doing?
我很好。 I'm okay.
所以你知道， 我可不会到处去 So you know, I don't go around
告诉孩子们他们的动物 已经死了只是为了好玩。 telling kids their animals are dead for kicks.
这不是我的怀疑。 That wasn't a suspicion of mine.
我之前从来没有养过宠物， I just never had a pet before,
我真的很喜欢 这只小家伙。 and I really fell for this little stinker.
他不是什么德维恩， 但他很棒。 He's no Dwayne, but he's great.
梅丽莎，真的发生了什么？ What's really going on, Melissa?
我不知道， 我慌了。 Man, I don't know, I panicked.
就像，二年级的学生 不能照顾自己。 Like, second graders can't take care of themselves.
他们怎么能让他安全？ How are they going to keep him safe?
他可能已经死了， 你知道吗？ He could have died, you know?
我明白了。我在给孩子们 I get it. I had a hard time giving the kids
在搞笑计划中 植物的责任时， in the Goofball program responsibility over the plants.
但 then 他们没有死。 But then none of them died.
他们全都死了。 All of them died.
你总是 如此大力的帮助。 You're always such a huge help.
但在我开始 搞笑计划之前， But before I started the Goofballs,
一个聪明的女人告诉我， 为了能成为 a wise woman told me that in order
我能成为的最好的老师， to be the best teacher I could be,
我需要把自己 开放给更多 I needed to open myself up to more
我认为我欠这些学生的以外的东西。 than what I thought I owed these students.
那会很可怕， 因为他们会犯错， That'd be scary, 'cause they make mistakes,
但是看到他们从那些错误中成长， but watching them grow from those mistakes,
这每次都是值得的。 it's worth it every time.
谢谢你把 我自己的建议还给我。 Thank you for giving my own advice back to me.
这是我得到的 最好的建议。 It's the best advice I've gotten.
来吧。 你不想抱抱他吗？ Come on. Don't you want to hold him?
我喜欢石头！ I like rocks!
所以，为了保守这个 小秘密，必须 So, in order to keep this little secret, it is imperative
把所有与IT相关的问题 引导到我的办公室。 that you direct all IT-related issues to my office.
不要盲目地把它们 提交给地区，Janine。 Don't just blindly submit them to the district, Janine.
你为什么 单独针对我？ Why are you singling me out?
因为你是 地区的告密者。 'Cause you're a district rat.
所以，你有一个，呃，软件问题， So, you have a, uh, software problem,
给我提交一张票。 submit a ticket to me.
你有网络问题， 给我提交一张票。 You have a network problem, submit a ticket to me.
如果我们没有 计算机芯片怎么办？ And if we run out of computer chips?
给我提交一张票。 Submit a ticket to me.
抱歉，呃，这里热吗？ Sorry, um, is it hot in here?
Gregory: 嗯，听起来不错。 是的，谢谢。 Melissa: 是的，我们知道了。 Gregory: Uh, that sounds good. Yeah, thanks. Melissa: Yeah, we got it.
Jacob: 如果电脑坏了怎么办？ Jacob: What if a computer breaks
我们需要立即修复它吗？ and we need it fixed immediately?
你能提供一个好的手机号码让我们联系吗？ What's a good cell number to reach you at?
这是个好点子。 呃，我会给 It's a good point. Um, I'm gonna give
科尔曼女士 我的私人号码， Ms. Coleman my personal number,
她可以直接联系我 以防紧急情况... and she can contact me directly in case of an emergency...
随时都可以。 anytime.
好吧。随便。 Fine. Whatever.
好吧， 为奥肖恩鼓掌， Alright, give it up for O'Shon,
让我们继续今天的活动。 and let's get on with the day.
[ 欢呼和掌声 ] 哦，不。不。你们不需要 为我鼓掌。 [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, no. No. No, you don't have to clap for me.
♪ 吻我， 在长须大麦的田野上 ♪ ♪ Kiss me, out of the bearded barley ♪
♪ 每晚 ♪ 你为什么哼那首歌？ ♪ Nightly ♪ Why are you humming that song?
因为我刚从百老汇租了《她全都懂》。 'Cause I just rented "She's All That" from Blockbuster.
[ 轻蔑地笑 ] 他可没那么好。 [ Scoffs ] He ain't all that.
而且他很穷。 And he's poor.
[ 哼着《吻我》 ] [ Humming "Kiss Me" ]
哦。 Oh.
我只是喜欢这首歌， 好吗？ I just like the song, okay?
所以，听着，小朋友， 我知道你们对 So, listen, kiddos, I know you're really upset about
甜美的面颊的去世感到非常难过， the passing of Sweet Cheeks,
但我们从商店里弄了一只新的豚鼠 but we got a new guinea pig from the store,
我们要叫它 甜蜜的脸颊2。 and we're going to call it Sweet Cheeks 2.
那他为什么看起来像 甜蜜的脸颊1？ Then why does he look like Sweet Cheeks 1?
原来他是双胞胎。 Turns out he's a twin.
那不是 同一个笼子吗？ Isn't that the same cage?
是的， 我以折扣价买的。 Yeah, I got it at a discount.
你没听说过 再利用吗？ You never heard of upcycling?
他又是怎么死的？ How did he die, again?
我们能不能都 举起手来？ Can we all please just raise our hands?
不再问问题。 好吧，听着。 No more questions. Alright, look.
所有重要的是我们会 承诺照顾好 All that matters is that we are going to promise to take care of
并尽我们所能地去爱我们的新豚鼠， and love our new guinea pig to the best of our ability,
无论会犯什么错误， no matter what mistakes
肯定会在过程中 发生错误。 are definitely going to be made along the way.
我们能做到吗？ 好吧。 Can we do that? Okay.
施门蒂老师， 我做了这个横幅。 Ms. Schemmenti, I made this sign.
他们不喜欢 你这样做。 They don't like when you do that.
嗯。 Amici per la pelle。 Mm. Amici per la pelle.
这是意大利语，意思是 "一生的朋友。" That's Italian for "friends for life."
你能说， "amici per la pelle" 吗？ Can you say, "amici per la pelle"?
所有: [ 一起 ] 真挚的朋友！ All: [ Together ] Amici per la pelle!
很好。你不必做手势，没关系。 That's good. You don't have to do the hands, though.
所以这个老豚鼠有一个失散已久的双胞胎？ So the ol' guinea pig had a long-lost twin?
我知道这种感觉。 I know the feeling.
是啊，嗯， Yeah, well, um,
老实说， 就是同一只豚鼠。 honestly, it's the same guinea pig.
那么我埋了什么？ Then what did I bury?
[ 拖把把手掉落 ] [ Mop handle drops ]
嗨！我差不多准备好了。 Hi! I am almost ready to go.
怎么了，你养了一条鱼？ 你的石头怎么了？ What, did you get a fish? What happened to your rock?
他们把他撕烂了。 They tore him apart.
只是些血腥场面。 It's just carnage.
哦，不。 格雷戈里，那是 -- Oh, no. Gregory, that's --
其实真的很漂亮。 [ 笑 ] It's actually really pretty. [ Chuckles ]
你知道， 我试着保护他。 是的。 You know, I tried to protect him. Yeah.
但他们不小心把他掉了。 But they dropped him, and they didn't mean to.
是啊。 但是现在，他是... Yeah. But now, h-he's...
他发光！ He's sparkly!
不？好吧。 No? Okay.
好吧，看，我们也许可以 再给你找一只，比如， Well, look, maybe we can get you another one, like,
从路边 或者其他什么地方？ from the side of a road or something?
那么，它也能破裂？ So it, too, can shatter?
[ 颤抖着 ] 像我脆弱的小心脏一样？ [ Shakily ] Like my fragile, little heart?
[ 抽噎，啜泣 ] [ Sniffles, sobs ]
哦！哦，不。 Oh! Oh, no.
那么，今晚吃拉面？ So, ramen tonight?
[ 哭泣 ] 是的。 [ Sobbing ] Yeah.
好的。 Okay.
-- 字幕由 VITAC 提供 -- -- Captions by VITAC --