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00:00:02,937 --> 00:00:05,838
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:09,141
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:12,711
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:15,714
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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ANNOUNCER:
We now return
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00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:40,639
to The Autistic Postman
Always Rings 400 Times.
12
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:44,043
(doorbell rings repeatedly)
13
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:49,248
So is everybody excited
for Father's Day on Sunday?
14
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,582
Oh, yeah,
that's right.
15
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,918
I always try to avoid
Father's Day now.
16
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,920
Every year, I used to take
my dad to the horse track.
17
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:57,990
Now we just go rooting around
for bargains at the mall.
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00:00:57,992 --> 00:01:00,659
Oh, this is darling,
isn't it?
Uh-huh.
19
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:03,662
Glenn, do you think you'd see
my bra through this blouse?
Uh, I don't know.
20
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:05,664
Is it too sheer?
I don't know
what that means.
21
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:06,999
Glenn? Do you think
it's too sheer?
22
00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:08,667
I said I don't know!
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00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,335
Hey, Joe, you know,
come to think of it,
24
00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:11,336
I've met
Cleveland's dad,
25
00:01:11,338 --> 00:01:13,005
and my dog slept
with Quagmire's dad,
26
00:01:13,007 --> 00:01:14,673
but I don't know anything
about your dad.
27
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Yeah, is he
still with us,
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00:01:16,010 --> 00:01:18,677
or is he living in Heaven
with Jesus Christ?
29
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,679
Ugh, save that
for your black friends.
30
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,247
Eh, my dad's out
there somewhere,
31
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:24,016
but I haven't spoken
to him in years.
32
00:01:24,018 --> 00:01:25,284
What?! Really?!
33
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,952
Sorry, Cleveland,
that was mean of me.
34
00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:28,854
I already forgave you.
35
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:30,856
But, Joe, why haven't you
seen your dad?
36
00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:33,192
Well, he's a good guy,
but we just drifted apart.
37
00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:34,359
It's no big deal.
38
00:01:34,361 --> 00:01:35,928
It's a very big deal.
39
00:01:35,930 --> 00:01:37,796
My dad's a stinking drunk
who lives in Ireland,
40
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:39,364
but you got
a perfectly good dad.
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00:01:39,366 --> 00:01:40,699
You can't waste that.
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00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,434
You gotta call him up
for Father's Day.
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00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,770
Peter, I don't even know
where he is.
44
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,039
Who's ready for another beer?
45
00:01:47,041 --> 00:01:49,374
Hey, Cleveland, weren't you
supposed to buy the next round?
46
00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:51,710
That's a shame Joe
never sees his dad.
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00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:52,711
I know.
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00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:53,712
Hey, you know what?
49
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:55,047
Joe's our friend.
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00:01:55,049 --> 00:01:56,715
He should be with his dad
on Father's Day,
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00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:58,050
and we're gonna
track him down.
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00:01:58,052 --> 00:02:00,052
Yeah, that's a
good idea, Peter.
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00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:01,720
Well, I like
helping people out.
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00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:04,289
That's why I was such a good
break-up rodeo clown.
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00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,291
I'm just gonna go
ahead and tell you.
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00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,626
I've been sleeping
with your sister.
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00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:08,961
What?!
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00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:10,395
Hey, now! Hey, now!
Over here! Over here!
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00:02:10,397 --> 00:02:12,164
Over here! Hey, now!
Hey, now! Over here!
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00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:13,499
Over here!
Hey, now! Hey, now!
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00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:14,500
Over here! Over here!
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(growls)
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00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,505
(echoing): Oh, and now that
I'm inside the barrel,
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00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:22,074
he gave you
and your sister HPV.
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00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,479
Hey, want to see something?
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00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,481
Check out how hot
my last patient was.
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00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:30,482
Oh.
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00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,483
They look fake.
69
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:32,518
Yeah, who cares?
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00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,853
Okay, according
to this projection,
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00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:37,256
Stewie's adult height
will be five-foot-one.
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00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:38,257
What?!
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00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:39,992
Five-foot-one?!
74
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:42,661
Wow, Dr. Hartman,
that's really short.
75
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:45,998
I mean, I suppose it's fine
if he's gonna die at 14.
76
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,000
Is-is there anything
on there about that?
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00:02:48,002 --> 00:02:49,668
Well, we learned
in medical school
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00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:51,336
that the short ones
do go faster,
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00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:53,372
'cause they smell more farts
than the rest of us.
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00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,373
This is terrible!
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00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:55,874
I can't be short!
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00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:59,278
I'll be an outcast, like Rudolph
the Uncircumcised Reindeer.
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00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,280
Look, Rudolph, it's
not me, all right?
84
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,282
It's Dasher, he's
been complaining,
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00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:05,284
and he is the one who has
to look at it all night.
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I don't know.
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00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,954
Mrs. Claus says
it'll decrease my sensitivity.
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00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:11,957
I-I'm sorry, why are you
talking to my wife about this?
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00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,863
Okay, you guys,
it's all set.
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00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,531
I found Joe's dad
on the Internet,
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00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,867
and he just e-mailed me
to say he's coming tomorrow.
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00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,203
All right, great, but remember,
this is a surprise for Joe.
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00:03:24,205 --> 00:03:25,537
Why are you
looking at me?
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00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,872
Because you're terrible
at keeping secrets.
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00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,540
No, I'm not;
I'm great at it.
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00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,642
Like when I was
an ob-gyn.
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00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,311
Well, I got the results
of your ultrasound,
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00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:33,645
and I got some
news for you.
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00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:34,980
Wait, wait, wait--
(chuckles)
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We don't want to know
if it's a boy or a girl.
101
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:37,983
(chuckling):
Oh, okay.
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00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:40,319
Well, it's
not breathing.
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00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:41,320
Hey, guys.
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00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,989
Uh, uh, so, Joe,
big day tomorrow, eh?
105
00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:45,324
Father's Day.
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00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:47,993
Gonna be home all day,
especially at 11:30 a.m.?
107
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:49,995
Peter.
What? I didn't say
anything about his dad.
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My dad?
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What about my dad?
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Well, now that Quagmire ruined
the surprise, we found your dad!
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00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:57,769
You what?!
112
00:03:57,771 --> 00:03:58,937
That's right.
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00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:00,339
He's coming tomorrow,
for Father's Day.
114
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,341
You shouldn't have
done that, Peter.
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00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,343
My father's not gonna
be happy to see me.
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Sure he will.
117
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:07,346
Just get him one of them
Father's Day cards
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00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:08,680
what plays a song.
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"Dad to the Bone."
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00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,183
"I'm Dad."
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00:04:11,185 --> 00:04:13,852
Pretty much anything with
"bad," you turn it to "dad."
122
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,854
Wait, w-why wouldn't
your dad be happy?
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00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,356
What, is he a jerk
or something?
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00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:20,359
No, it's just that
ever since I was a little kid,
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he was constantly making fun
of handicapped people.
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00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,931
Really?
Yeah, my whole life,
127
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:29,268
my-my dad would ridicule
anyone in a wheelchair.
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00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:31,603
It was all,
"Hey, spaghetti legs!"
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00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,939
And, "Hey, rigatoni legs!"
130
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:36,608
And, uh, "Hey, angel-hair legs!"
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00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,645
He was a sales manager
at Ronzoni.
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00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,980
Wow, then it must have been
hard for him to accept
133
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:43,315
when you were
paralyzed.
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That's just it.
135
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:46,985
My dad doesn't know
I'm handicapped.
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00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,387
I never told him.
137
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:51,723
(sobbing): I never...
I never told him!
138
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,458
(cries)
139
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:54,793
Ah, Joe, don't cry.
140
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,261
It's gonna make me cry.
141
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:57,462
(wails)
142
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,131
I cry like Snoopy.
143
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(wails)
144
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:10,108
I can't believe you invited
my father without telling me.
145
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,977
You guys got to get
in touch with him
146
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,245
and tell him
not to come.
147
00:05:13,247 --> 00:05:14,913
It's too late, Joe,
he's already on his way.
148
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:15,914
He is?
149
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,249
Yeah, we got him
tickets on Kayak.
150
00:05:17,251 --> 00:05:19,251
It is a nightmare
itinerary.
151
00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:21,253
It was, like, 80 bucks,
but he has four stops.
152
00:05:21,255 --> 00:05:23,088
Two of them are
in Houston.
153
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,423
What am I gonna do?
154
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:26,658
My dad has no idea
I'm paralyzed.
155
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,660
Well, there's only
one thing we can do.
156
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:29,995
We'll just figure out a way
157
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,763
to hide your handicap
from your dad.
158
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Hide the fact
that I can't walk?
159
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,434
Peter, that'll
never work.
160
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:36,435
It's worth a try.
161
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,103
Come on, Joe,
don't be so negative.
162
00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:39,905
You're like a Boston
fortune cookie.
163
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:42,874
"I don't know, numbnuts.
164
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:45,777
Maybe buy a garage and fill it
with hockey equipment."
165
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:47,212
Huh.
166
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:49,214
Well, let's see
what my lucky numbers are.
167
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:51,550
"Screw you, math dick."
168
00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:54,186
Well, that wasn't
very helpful at all.
169
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,325
Here you go, Stewie.
170
00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:02,461
I know clothes shopping
always cheers you up.
171
00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:05,063
I can't believe I'm only
going to be five-foot-one.
172
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,698
Aw, come on, look
at the bright side.
173
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,800
You'll be in the front row
of every class picture.
174
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,068
Holding that little plaque.
175
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,303
You suck.
176
00:06:11,305 --> 00:06:13,171
Why don't you go drink out
of the fountain?
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00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:14,473
I'll text you
when I'm done.
178
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,041
I know you're
trying to be rude,
179
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,443
but I am gonna do that,
because I find it enjoyable.
180
00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:24,149
Excuse me, I was
looking at this.
181
00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:26,218
Sorry, I've made a decision
to go for that shirt,
182
00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:27,719
and when that happens,
it is on.
183
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,221
Full throttle, man. Pow!
184
00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,223
Wow, you're an energetic
little fellow.
185
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:33,225
I guess your mommy lets
you drink coffee, huh?
186
00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:35,894
Whoa, whoa, I-I don't put
stimulants in my body.
187
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,229
You know something?
188
00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:38,764
You kind of remind me
of Tom Cruise.
189
00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:39,765
Boom.
190
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,099
(laughs)
191
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,834
You-you got me, man.
192
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:45,170
(gasps)
Wow, Tom Cruise.
193
00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:48,173
You look, um...
bigger in the movies.
194
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,508
Wh-What are you
doing here?
195
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:52,511
Oh, I get all my clothes from
out-of-the-way toddler stores.
196
00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:54,513
Ooh, uh, you want
an animal cracker?
197
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,181
Sure, you got
a lion in there?
198
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:57,849
Oh, no,
I eat those first.
199
00:06:57,851 --> 00:07:00,185
I believe eating
the lions gives me power.
200
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:03,088
Yeah, I hear you believe
in a lot of crazy stuff.
201
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,756
What'd you get there?
A giraffe?
202
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:05,757
Yeah.
203
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:06,758
Good, good.
204
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,759
It's good for eyesight.
205
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,094
Well, you're certainly upbeat.
206
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,096
Let me ask you,
doesn't it bother you
207
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:13,098
being an adult man
who's that short?
208
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,800
'Cause the doctor says
that's where I'm headed.
209
00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:15,801
Oh, no way, man.
210
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:18,136
The middle of the word
"short" is "or."
211
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,805
"Or" gives you a choice.
212
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:22,207
And I choose not to be short.
213
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:24,609
Wow, you need a road map
for that one.
214
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:25,610
Hey, hey,
I'll tell you what.
215
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,945
You spend the day with me,
216
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,613
you'll see how great
it is to be short.
217
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,949
You'll feel like
you're discovering a new world.
218
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,617
And you know what's in
the middle of the word "world"?
219
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,119
Um... "or"?
220
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:35,620
Yes!
221
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,222
The dots have appeared, man,
let's connect them!
222
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:38,957
(chuckles
uncomfortably)
223
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,560
You're... you're a weirdo,
but let's do this.
224
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:46,631
All right, check
it out, Bonnie.
225
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,633
This is how we're
gonna fool Joe's dad.
226
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,302
Oh, my God.
227
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:51,736
Yeah, looks
real, right?
228
00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:54,072
I put this pair of pants
on the front legs of this horse
229
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,407
and strapped Joe
to the front
230
00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:57,409
with his legs tied
behind the horse's neck.
231
00:07:57,411 --> 00:08:00,078
And then we put Cinnamon's head
up the back of Joe's shirt
232
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,314
and simply hid the rest of the
horse behind this curtain.
233
00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:03,648
(horse whinnies)
234
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,584
His breath is very
moist, Peter.
235
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:08,587
And to induce movement, I'm
gonna snap the horse's balls
236
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:09,988
with this dampened
kitchen towel.
237
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:12,257
Aah! Oh, my God!
238
00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:13,592
Holy crap, he's
out of control!
239
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,527
Does it look real?
240
00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:17,696
(screams)
241
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,030
Plan "B"! Plan "B"!
242
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:22,434
(horse neighing)
243
00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:33,111
(groans) Peter, I'm
afraid this is hopeless.
244
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,446
What, I don't know
what else to do.
245
00:08:34,448 --> 00:08:35,780
I mean, we're not
gonna come up
246
00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:37,449
with something better
than the horse.
247
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:39,451
Yeah, I guess you're just
gonna have to tell your dad
248
00:08:39,453 --> 00:08:40,785
about your handicap.
249
00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:42,454
I can't do that.
250
00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:45,390
If you guys were in my shoes,
you'd understand.
251
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:47,392
Wait a minute, that's it!
252
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:49,394
I will get in your shoes.
253
00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:51,029
I'll just pretend to be you.
254
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:52,697
I mean, your dad ain't
seen you in years.
255
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,032
He won't know
the difference.
256
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,567
What? That's crazy.
257
00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:56,902
(groaning)
258
00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:58,904
Boy, that was a close call.
259
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:01,706
Is some of this room cold?
260
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:06,978
All right, Peter, almost done.
261
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:10,916
Huh? Huh?
262
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:11,917
Eh, kind of.
263
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:13,652
Yeah.
I don't care.
264
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,320
Peter, I don't
know about this.
265
00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:16,655
It seems like
a bad idea.
266
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:19,324
Look, Lois, Joe is one
of my best friends, all right?
267
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:20,992
I'm only doing this
to help him.
268
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,561
Besides, wait till you hear
my "Joe" voice.
269
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:25,664
(imitating Joe): Uh, God, I hate
being stuck in this chair.
270
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:28,500
No, Peter,
that fights it.
271
00:09:28,502 --> 00:09:31,169
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
272
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:34,172
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
273
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,174
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
274
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:38,243
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
275
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:41,179
♪ You're never gonna
get my love ♪
276
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:43,615
♪ Now because you wear ♪
277
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:46,251
♪ All those fancy clothes ♪
278
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,519
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
279
00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:50,188
♪ And have a big fine car ♪
280
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:52,123
♪ Oh, yes, you do now ♪
281
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,858
♪ Do you think I can afford ♪
282
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,860
♪ To give you my love ♪
283
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,362
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
284
00:09:57,364 --> 00:10:01,199
♪ You think you're higher
than every star above ♪
285
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:03,335
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
286
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:06,705
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
287
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,773
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
288
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:12,043
♪ You're never gonna
make me cry ♪
289
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:13,545
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
290
00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:14,879
♪ Tell me, tell me... ♪
291
00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:18,883
That's Bud.
292
00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:19,884
Are you ready, Peter?
293
00:10:19,886 --> 00:10:20,885
I think so.
294
00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:22,220
What do you think,
acting coach?
295
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:25,890
I think you will be
exemplary, Peter.
296
00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:28,226
All good acting coaches
are insane old ladies.
297
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,828
Emote!
298
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,830
(doorbell rings)
299
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:32,831
Hi, Bud.
300
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:33,832
Hi, Joe's dad.
301
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,166
Uh, I mean, uh, Dad.
302
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:36,735
Uh, Joe, I'm Joe;
you're my dad.
303
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:37,802
Joe?
304
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,938
Wow, I guess it really
has been a long time.
305
00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:41,339
I barely recognize you.
306
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:42,841
Put on a little weight,
haven't you?
307
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:44,909
Well, I could say
the same for you.
308
00:10:44,911 --> 00:10:46,578
(laughs)
(laughs uneasily)
309
00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:49,581
Sometimes I don't understand
why people laugh.
310
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,153
All right, everyone in the car.
311
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,122
We got a Father's Day
dinner reservation.
312
00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:59,190
Why is Mr. Swanson coming?
313
00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:00,759
And why is he dressed like Dad?
314
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,027
I don't know, kids.
315
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:05,063
I stopped asking after your
father said he shot a horse.
316
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,499
(siren whoops twice)
317
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,436
Thanks for
the ride-along.
318
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,972
I liked when you sentenced those
two girls to kiss each other.
319
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:16,608
Yeah, all girls are lesbians
when you point a gun at 'em.
320
00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:18,843
Boy, it's been great
spending time with you, son.
321
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:21,546
It's been great spending
time with you, too...
322
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:22,781
Dad.
323
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:26,785
Oh, this'll be fun.
324
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,119
Let's see how long it takes them
325
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,821
to get Gumby over there
into the car.
326
00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:31,790
Yeah, that's our neighbor,
Peter Griffin.
327
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,291
That's the guy
who e-mailed me?
328
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:36,327
Huh, no wonder it was all caps
with tons of typos.
329
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:37,629
He's a water head, right?
330
00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:38,830
Yeah, he's a mess.
331
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,031
Look at his ugly kids.
332
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,966
Pathetic.
333
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:43,501
Ugh, he's not fitting.
334
00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:46,638
Just put some of him
in the back like skis.
335
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:52,310
Hey, Stewie.
What's up?
336
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:53,845
(chuckling): When you
say it like that,
337
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,146
you sound just
like Tom Cruise.
338
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,481
What?
Oh, yeah,
339
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:57,716
I've been hanging
with Tom Cruise.
340
00:11:57,718 --> 00:11:59,551
You've been hanging out
with Tom Cruise?
341
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:00,552
Sure have.
342
00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:01,853
We spent the whole
day together,
343
00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:03,021
and he showed me
344
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:04,489
there's a lot of
advantages to being short.
345
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:05,657
Oh, yeah? Like what?
346
00:12:05,659 --> 00:12:07,225
You're the last one
to get wet when it rains?
347
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,493
Well, yeah, that.
348
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:10,595
And you can chow
pie standing up.
349
00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:12,497
We didn't do any of that,
but the point is,
350
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,165
I'm at peace
with being short.
351
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:15,667
Full throttle, man!
Pow!
352
00:12:15,669 --> 00:12:17,168
(phone ringing)
353
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,503
Hello.
354
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,405
Oh, hi,
Dr. Hartman.
355
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,273
Mrs. Griffin,
I have some good news.
356
00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:24,676
Turns out your son
is going to be normal height.
357
00:12:24,678 --> 00:12:26,711
I read his chart wrong
yesterday.
358
00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:29,914
Apparently, I have something
called "dislooxia"?
359
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,750
That was the doctor.
360
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:34,686
Apparently, Stewie's not
gonna be short after all.
361
00:12:34,688 --> 00:12:36,221
What? Really?
362
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:37,589
That's wonderful news!
363
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:39,057
Oh, I'm so relieved
364
00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:41,192
my child is spared
some heartache.
365
00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:43,695
Now, come on, Brian, I guess
we should try to make it
366
00:12:43,697 --> 00:12:44,863
over to Meg's
birthday party.
367
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:49,768
Could I have some bread
while I open my presents?
368
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:51,469
At this point,
we're gonna have to start
369
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:53,037
charging you
for the bread.
370
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:54,906
(doorbell rings)
371
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:55,907
Hey, Stewie!
372
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:57,108
You want to check out
the go-kart
373
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,376
I used in Days of Thunder?
374
00:12:58,378 --> 00:12:59,611
Yeah, listen, um...
375
00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:02,046
I just found out I'm
actually going to be tall,
376
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,883
so I'm no longer comfortable
hanging out with someone
377
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,718
whose teeth are bigger
than their fingers.
378
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:07,719
What?
379
00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:09,053
That's...
that's barely true.
380
00:13:09,055 --> 00:13:10,722
Yeah, so...
see you later.
381
00:13:10,724 --> 00:13:12,557
You are making a big mistake,
Stewie!
382
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:15,894
Nobody walks away
from Tiny Tom Cruise!
383
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,562
Yeah, except for
all three of your wives.
384
00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:19,397
Okay, I'm
shutting this now.
385
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:22,500
Okay, so... bye!
386
00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:29,641
So now, since I switched
to disposable catheters,
387
00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:32,977
I no longer have those beet-red
infections in my urethra.
388
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:34,012
Oh, no.
389
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,246
I hope it's not genetic.
390
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,848
Chris, he's
not our dad.
391
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,917
I can't keep up with this ruse.
392
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:40,418
Hey, everybody!
393
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,153
Peter, finally,
you're home.
394
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,088
How's it going over there
with my dad?
395
00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:45,924
Awesome. He fell for
the whole thing.
396
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:47,759
In fact, we've been
having a great time!
397
00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:49,427
Wow, that's
terrific, Peter!
398
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:51,863
You'll only have to pull it
off for a few more hours.
399
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:54,599
Then he'll be on a plane
tomorrow and I can go home.
400
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:55,934
Oh, that's
the other good news.
401
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:57,302
Bud's not leaving!
402
00:13:57,304 --> 00:13:58,970
I told him he can move in
with me and Bonnie.
403
00:13:58,972 --> 00:13:59,971
What?!
404
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,306
Peter, this is crazy!
405
00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:02,941
Nah, it's gonna
work out fine.
406
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:04,108
Oh, and remember, Joe,
407
00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:05,610
if Lois is feeling
frisky at night,
408
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:08,112
it's index finger
around and clockwise.
409
00:14:08,114 --> 00:14:09,614
And just keep
doing that to yourself
410
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:10,782
until you're good to go.
411
00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:18,723
Peter, this is ridiculous.
412
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:21,860
You can't live in my house
with my dad and my family!
413
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:24,229
Your dad got me
super clean in the tub.
414
00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:26,030
Joe's right,
this is idiotic.
415
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,365
What are you thinking?
416
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,633
I'll tell you what I'm thinking.
417
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,301
I'm thinking that
I've had two dads
418
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,804
and neither one cared for me
as much as Bud does.
419
00:14:32,806 --> 00:14:34,138
Peter, I've had
enough of this!
420
00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:35,707
You can't just
take my dad!
421
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:36,908
Well, he's right
next door.
422
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,710
Nothing's stopping you
from going over there
423
00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:40,044
and telling him the truth:
424
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,580
that his son is a paraplegic
who's stuck in a wheelchair.
425
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:43,982
You know I
can't do that.
426
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:45,717
Ah, suit yourself.
But I gotta go.
427
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,552
Me and Bud are
having a blast.
428
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:50,655
I'm sorry, Joe.
429
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:51,990
A-Are you okay?
430
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,358
Not really.
431
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,159
I'll be honest,
Lois, this hurts.
432
00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:56,895
Hurts like the Dickens.
433
00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:58,863
I've finished
my latest novel.
434
00:14:58,865 --> 00:14:59,898
Splendid, Charles!
435
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:00,899
What is it called?
436
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,100
Oliver Nipple-Twist.
437
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,167
Ow!
438
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:04,769
Oh, Charles, you bastard!
439
00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:06,004
Yeah! The Dickens!
440
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:08,239
It hurts like the me!
441
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:17,181
So, anyone going to
the gerbil's funeral on Friday?
442
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:18,283
Okay, kids!
443
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:20,184
Everyone in a circle
for parachute time.
444
00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:23,187
Oh, goodie,
I love parachute time!
445
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,859
ALL:
Whee!
446
00:15:27,861 --> 00:15:29,627
Whee!
447
00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:32,063
Whee!
448
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:33,731
What the hell?
449
00:15:33,733 --> 00:15:36,034
That kid looked like
Tiny Tom Cruise.
450
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,302
Whee!
451
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:39,470
Huh.
Must've been my imagination.
452
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:41,606
Aah!
453
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,574
If you think
you're getting away from me,
454
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,310
you've got a crazy laugh
coming, friend.
455
00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:47,712
(laughs crazily)
456
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,213
Aah!
457
00:15:49,215 --> 00:15:51,282
(continues laughing)
458
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:57,889
(panting)
459
00:15:57,891 --> 00:15:59,257
Hey, what are you doing home
so early?
460
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:00,258
He's following me, Brian!
461
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,326
Who's following you?
462
00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:02,560
Tom Cruise!
463
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:04,228
I spend one afternoon
with the guy,
464
00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:05,897
and it's like I signed
an eight-year contract
465
00:16:05,899 --> 00:16:07,332
to show up at events with him
466
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,067
and let him fake-father a child.
467
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,768
Stewie, I would think Tom Cruise
468
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:12,904
has better things to do
than follow you around.
469
00:16:12,906 --> 00:16:13,905
Oh, really?
470
00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:15,006
Well, explain that!
471
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,582
You know, it's times
like this where I think,
472
00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:26,818
if I didn't talk and
you were a normal baby,
473
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,586
we wouldn't have
any of these problems.
474
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:29,921
You gotta help me
get rid of him, Brian!
475
00:16:29,923 --> 00:16:31,589
He's creepier
than that guy at the gym
476
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,591
who just does karate
in the mirror.
477
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,427
It's me.
478
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:37,428
The guy's me.
479
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:38,896
I'm a gym karate creep.
480
00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:43,167
I'm pretty good, too.
481
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,335
But relax.
482
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,404
If I wanted you dead,
you'd be dead.
483
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,443
Hey, Dad, what do you
say we go play catch?
484
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:53,611
And throw me
some divers.
485
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:56,114
I want to get grass stains
on my school slacks.
486
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,148
What?
487
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,316
You're a grown man.
488
00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:00,485
I know, it's just so
great having a dad.
489
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,987
Well, it's nice having
reconnected with you, too.
490
00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:05,590
All right, let's do it.
491
00:17:11,965 --> 00:17:13,297
Oh, for God's sake.
492
00:17:13,299 --> 00:17:15,299
See, a guy like that
should just stay inside
493
00:17:15,301 --> 00:17:16,634
so we don't have
to look at him.
494
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:17,869
Joe, go over there
495
00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,337
and tell him to get
back in his house.
496
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:21,806
Don't worry, I'll
take care of it.
497
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:22,974
Joe, you gotta go inside.
498
00:17:22,976 --> 00:17:24,242
You're upsetting my dad.
499
00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:26,144
Your dad?
That's right!
500
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,545
He loves me
in a way that...
501
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:29,213
Aw, you guys had pizza?
502
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:30,715
Screw you, Peter!
503
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,316
You know what? This is over!
504
00:17:32,318 --> 00:17:33,518
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
505
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:34,519
Not a chance.
506
00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:35,853
I like your house better.
507
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,755
I got nothing to hold onto
when I poop at home.
508
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:40,324
You have no idea how many shower
curtains I've ripped down.
509
00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:41,325
Now get inside.
510
00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:43,061
No, I'm not
gonna do that.
511
00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:44,262
Oh, yes, you are!
512
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:46,831
Get away from me,
you son of a bitch!
513
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:48,666
What the hell?
514
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,401
Joe, don't take that
from him!
515
00:17:52,338 --> 00:17:53,337
(Peter grunts)
516
00:17:53,339 --> 00:17:54,672
How do you like that?
517
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,908
You're getting
your ass kicked by a cripple!
518
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,677
A helpless,
spaghetti-legged cripple!
519
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:00,745
What are you doing?
520
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:01,879
You're my son!
521
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:03,214
You can't let yourself
get beat up
522
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:04,749
by a guy
in a wheelchair!
523
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:08,019
Your son is a guy
in a wheelchair.
524
00:18:08,021 --> 00:18:09,787
What are you talking about?
525
00:18:11,357 --> 00:18:13,424
(sighs)
526
00:18:15,028 --> 00:18:16,861
(gasps)
(gasps)
527
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:17,895
Yes.
528
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:19,030
Yes, Dad.
529
00:18:19,032 --> 00:18:20,364
It's me.
530
00:18:20,366 --> 00:18:22,066
(grunting)
531
00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:23,401
Joe!
532
00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:24,702
What the hell
happened to you?
533
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,370
I was shot in
the line of duty.
534
00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:28,706
(laughs)
"Line of duty."
535
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:31,876
So, this is why you haven't
called me in all these years?
536
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:33,211
How could I, Dad?
537
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:35,146
You always made fun
of handicapped people.
538
00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:38,649
The only thing I never
understood was... why?
539
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:40,218
I don't know.
540
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:41,886
I guess I could
never stand the thought
541
00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:43,387
of something like that
happening to me.
542
00:18:43,389 --> 00:18:46,224
Or even worse, to someone
that I care about.
543
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:48,326
One time, my legs fell
asleep on the toilet.
544
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:49,994
I had to crawl
into the living room
545
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,429
and interrupt
Lois' book club.
546
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,831
That was one of the shower
curtains I ripped down.
547
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:56,267
And I suppose, deep down,
I was afraid.
548
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:57,902
Afraid that, if it did happen,
549
00:18:57,904 --> 00:18:59,737
I wouldn't be strong enough
to handle it.
550
00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:02,406
Well, Dad, I can tell you
from experience,
551
00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:04,909
it's only when
your worst fears come true
552
00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:08,146
that you get to find out
how strong you really are.
553
00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:10,748
Then I guess I've got
some learning to do.
554
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:12,350
I love you, son.
555
00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:14,051
I love you, too, Dad.
I love you, too, Dad.
556
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,291
Hey, Joe, uh,
just one question:
557
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:22,527
why do you have all those
Wizard of Oz plates?
558
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:24,428
Because if I finish
my vegetables,
559
00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:26,864
I get to see
the Yellow Brick Road.
560
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,933
All right,
you sold me.
561
00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,371
All right, Brian,
562
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,273
Tiny Tom Cruise
is somewhere close.
563
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:36,874
I can sense
his manic energy.
564
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:38,209
You remember the plan?
565
00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:39,810
Yup, I got it.
566
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:42,680
Help, help!
My dog got off his leash!
567
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:45,349
Is there anyone
who can do a pumpy-arm run?
568
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:49,620
Running, running, running,
running, running, running, run!
569
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,290
Hey, Stewie. I'm here to help
you for the next billion years.
570
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:53,524
All right, good to know.
571
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,193
Anyway, my dog ran
around those bushes.
572
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:56,260
I am on it!
573
00:19:57,463 --> 00:19:59,463
Gotcha!
574
00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:01,365
All right,
off to Zappos with him.
575
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,700
You sure this
is gonna work?
576
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,335
Oh, yeah.
They'll accept any returns.
577
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:06,304
We don't even
have to pay postage.
578
00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:10,308
Hello, friend.
Your life...
579
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:11,842
is about to change.
580
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:14,812
Hey, Tom. It's been
a couple weeks.
581
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:22,320
Hey, listen, Joe, I'm sorry
I treated you like such a jerk.
582
00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:23,721
Well, that's okay, Peter.
583
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:26,657
In fact, I got to say, it
was a nice thing you did.
584
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:30,061
I'm glad I reconnected with
my dad after all these years.
585
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,662
Ah, it was my pleasure.
586
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:33,598
There's no more important
relationship than...
587
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:34,932
I'm sorry, Cleveland,
what the hell
588
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:36,667
is that
Toronto Raptors hat?
589
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,002
It was my
Father's Day present.
590
00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:39,170
I hate it.
591
00:20:39,172 --> 00:20:40,871
I'm just gonna
wear it for a week,
592
00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:42,206
then say
I lost it.
593
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:44,008
Anyway, thanks for
helping me, Peter.
594
00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:46,010
Yeah, it all
worked out great, Joe.
595
00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:48,846
Except I am still missing
that one pair of pants.
596
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:52,850
(tires screech)
597
00:20:56,189 --> 00:20:58,756
Excuse me,
are those Bugle Boy jeans?
598
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,825
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
599
00:21:04,326 --> 00:21:08,330
Burn in Hell, Filiza Studio!