Good night, John.
- Good evening, Your Excellency. - Good evening, Mrs. Russel.
Did the...? Did the meeting go well?
Oh, very well, indeed.
In fact, I feel certain now that the opera gala will be a triumph.
Isn't that marvelous? It's so exciting, so ecumenical, so...
Precisely. Good night, Mrs. Russel.
Good night, Your Excellency.
Great.
Perfect. Is that a shot? Thank you.
- Janet. Hey. - Hi, how are you?
- Hello, how are you? - You look so lovely.
- Thank you. - Congratulations on your...
And I have no intention...
Excuse me.
Uh-oh. There we go. My fault. Very much my fault.
Hey, come over here. I wanna talk to you.
Sit down. Now, what's this about you leaving?
I wanna take a ride along the coast, and then I have to get back to the city.
And don't worry. I promise I'll be here for your wedding.
You better. I need you. So, what's going on tonight?
Oh, nothing special. I'm gonna go to a movie.
- By yourself? - Yes.
Gloria, this has got to stop.
Just because you've had one bad experience
doesn't mean that you give up.
I haven't given up. I came to this party, didn't I?
Ever since the divorce, you lock yourself in that library
and hide behind those glasses. Look at you.
You used to be a cheerleader. You used to show some cleavage.
- What? - Let's see some skin.
Shake your booty. Take some chances.
- What are you playing, old maid? - I'm not playing anything.
That's the trouble.
- OK. OK, I get the message. - Sure, you do.
Now, take tonight. Why don't you go out there and mingle,
pick someone... Oh, just a second.
- She's right, you know. - What?
Nice party. Lot of chances.
Didn't anyone ever tell you that eavesdropping is not nice?
My single worst problem as a child.
I'll never forget my mother and parole officer getting together with the priest
- and discussing the difficulties I had... - Excuse me. I've gotta go.
You're gonna love this. Hey, come on. I'm sorry. I was just kidding around.
I think we got off on the wrong foot.
Yes, and it seems to be in your mouth.
OK, I deserve that. But listen, it's Gloria, right?
You're a really nice girl, and I'm a nice guy,
and you're very pretty with or without cleavage and...
What do you say?
Would you like to take a shower?
- I don't pick up strange men. - Well, that's your problem.
So why don't you try it?
When you go for it Well...
Hi. Thanks.
I'm really in a bind. I've gotta be in the city by 5.
- Well, I'm going to... - Thanks.
OK.
- What was wrong with your car? - Radiator.
Oh, too bad. Do you live in the city?
Huh? Oh, yeah.
- So do I. It's fun, isn't it? - Yeah.
Looks like we might have some rain.
Of course, you never know with San Francisco weather.
One day it's wet and foggy, and three hours later it's bright sunshine.
- What's your name? - Gloria.
- That's a pretty name. - Thank you.
Mine's Bob Scott. Everybody calls me Scotty.
- Nice to meet you. - It's really nice to meet you.
It's not every day I get rescued by a girl in a yellow convertible.
- Cigarette? - No, thanks. I don't smoke.
Yeah. I'm trying to give them up myself.
- You'll live longer. - Yeah.
That's my plan.
- Come on, Gloria. It'll be fun. - Oh, I don't know.
Look, I'll meet you in front of the theater.
- Where'd you say it was? - The Nuart on Union Street.
Come on, Gloria, take a chance.
What have you got to lose? I'll buy the popcorn.
Oh, all right. But it is a retrospective, you know.
Hey, I love old movies.
Damn it. Three left.
Gloria, do me a favor.
Would you hold these for me till this evening?
I'm trying to keep it down to a pack a day.
- OK, if it'll help. - It will be a big help, believe me.
Out of sight, out of mind.
I'll just put them in your purse.
Gee, gotta run.
- See you at the movies. - Eight o'clock sharp.
Well, hello, there. I didn't think you were gonna make it.
I know, the weather's awful outside.
That's why I bought my ticket and came on in.
Cigarettes?
Oh, I don't think they let you smoke in here, Scotty.
Here, have some popcorn.
Go ahead, take it. I'm finished.
- The film. - Oh, well, you haven't missed much.
You see the man in the overcoat?
He's waiting for the Chinese sailor,
the one Alan Ladd thinks kidnapped the old gypsy.
But the secretary told the cab driver that...
Wait a minute.
There's going to be a murder.
Oh, I'm sure of it.
The police... Contact the police.
Well, actually, the cab driver is with the police.
Except the Chinese sailor doesn't know that.
What?
The Dwarf.
Beware of The Dwarf.
Gee, Scotty, I don't think there is a dwarf in this movie.
Scotty? Are you all right? Scotty?
Come quickly! There's a man dead in there!
- Where? - In there!
I'm sorry. You'll have to see the manager.
- Where is he? - In his office.
But I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
- Handsome Harry... - Are you the manager?
Yes.
Quickly. A man's been killed!
- Killed? What? Where? - In there!
Stop the film. Call the police.
Fred, turn off the projector. Put on the houselights.
- Quickly, come with me. - Not in my theater.
Harry!
All right! OK!
- He's gone. - What the hell is this?
- I mean, my date. He was right here. - Who?
My date. He was right here. I swear.
Your date is the one who's supposed to be dead?
Yes. He was sitting right next to me. I gave him my popcorn. Where is it?
OK. All right, lady. Just come with me.
- All right! We'll have it on in a minute. - You've got to believe me.
- Yeah. - Did you see my date?
Look, we'll talk about it in the lobby, huh?
- I believe you, really. - Did you see my date? Did you...?
Come on. We'll talk in the lobby. OK!
All right!
You tell Fred to start that projector and bring down those houselights!
You've gotta believe me!
Lady, you made a fool out of me in there!
I saw you out front.
- You didn't have any date. - No, he came in late.
He was all wet and bleeding.
Sylvia. Where you going, honey?
Look, I'm sorry, Harry. Intermission's in 20 minutes,
and I gotta go warm up the weenies.
But, Sylvia... Sylvia.
He said, "Beware of the dwarf."
Dwarf? Listen...
...why don't you do me and you a great big favor.
Why don't you just go home and sleep this whole thing off.
I don't understand. He was dead.
I don't know what could have happened to him.
Listen. You shouldn't go to picture shows like this and smoke that stuff
if it's gonna affect you the way it does, huh?
Dingbat!
Oh, Mr. Hennesey. It's you.
Whatever happened to you, my darling?
- You look like you've seen the dead. - I have.
In that case, come inside. Tell me about it.
We'll have a nice hot cup of tea.
But it was so real. And that warning about the murder was so sinister.
Well, my darling, Gloria, people just don't drop dead in cinemas,
watching horror movies and whispering, "Look out for the elf."
It was, "Beware of the dwarf."
Well, whatever. He was playing a prank, that lad.
So you shouldn't take it so seriously.
- Well, he did act rather strangely. - Well, you see?
So you don't think I should call the police?
The police? Whatever for?
I don't know. I just have this strange feeling
that somebody's trying to kill me.
To kill yous? Well, you gonna call the police and tell them
that you have a strange feeling?
I mean, they got killings of their own to worry about, you know?
You're probably right.
They have killings and executions and assassinations.
I think it's time we made "murder" a four-letter word.
- Would you have a cookie? - OK.
- They're good. - Aren't they?
Well, when you've been an anthropologist as long as I have,
you're working most of the time in the field.
You acquire what my old father used to call "culinary expertise".
I remember in Africa, in Kenya,
I was studying the lbutu tribe, fascinating society,
and we could take a leaf from their book, if they had books.
But they did have this wizened old witch doctor,
and his name was Kiyato, and he was a pretty good cook.
Here, I've got a picture of him. I'll show you.
Esme! Get away from those cookies! Esme, get away!
Get away from that! Hear?
Oh, poor Esme. You frightened her.
Well, she's getting too uppity.
She steals me out of house and home.
Don't you, you wicked girl? Don't you?
Where was I? Yes, the lbutu.
This is a commendable society.
It has severe taboos on murder and light taboos on sex.
Thank you, Mr. Hennesey. You've been wonderful.
Well, you're my favorite tenant.
And if anything disturbs you in the middle of the night,
you just scream
and I'll be upstairs in a flash, kicking ass.
Good night. I'll remember that.
Esme...
Pope Pius XIII, on the first leg of his American tour,
today addressed a special meeting
of the United Nations General Assembly in New York.
Stressing the urgency of world peace and international harmony,
the smiling 72-year-old pontiff received a warm reception
with the U.N. Delegates frequently breaking into spontaneous applause
during his speech.
New York is the first of five stops for His Holiness in this country.
He'll meet with the president and congressional leaders tomorrow
in the nation's capital, then travel to Chicago and Los Angeles,
with a final stop here in San Francisco, before flying on to Japan.
Vice President Abernathy arrives in Guam tonight,
ready to begin talks tomorrow with foreign ministers
of the now defunct SEATO pact.
The purpose of the new meetings is to establish a new framework...
- You wanna have lunch today? - Yeah.
Listen, I got a lot to tell you.
- Oh, yeah? What? - I'll tell you at lunch.
Really, Gloria. Do you know the percentage of rapes from hitchhikers?
- Have you any idea? - No.
Plenty. And look at you, with no protection.
Well, now, he didn't seem to be after sex.
Rape is not an act of sex.
Rape is an act of violence. Remember that.
Suppose that guy attacked you
instead of pulling that weird stunt in the theater, huh?
What would you have done?
I would have hit him with my umbrella.
Talk about ancient.
Really, honey, you gotta drag yourself into the '70s.
You gotta get some merchandise.
You see this? It's called "The Screamer".
They make a grab for your tits, you just flick the switch.
Then you got your mace. Zap. Right in the face.
And finally, for infighting, the punch of power.
Crunch. Right in the nuts.
You certainly are prepared.
Nobody's gonna mess with Stella unless Stella wants to be messed.
I don't know, all this stuff...
Gloria, sweetheart, we live in a violent society. Weirdoes all around.
Get them before they get you.
- Good night, Mrs. Monk. - Oh, good night.
- Taking your work home with you? - Oh, yes.
I'm on to a fascinating sleuth, you know, research is so exciting.
- Well, you're the best. Good night. - Oh, well. Good night.
Oh, by the way, Gloria, I almost forgot.
While you were out to lunch, someone was inquiring for you.
He said he knew your pastor and would get in touch with you later.
A nice little man. You know, a dwarf.
Well, good night again.
Oh, you frightened me.
I thought you were a dwarf.
You gave me quite a shock. The library is closed.
Didn't you hear the bell? Oh, well. Doesn't matter.
Anyway, I've already locked the front. You can go out the back
with me if you want, but I just have a few things to do before...
That way!
- Take me home. - What?
Take me home, please.
Sure.
- My place or...? Or yours? - Which is closer?
Well, I have a little pad just around the corner.
Perfect.
- Do you mind if I finish my drink? - Oh, no! Please. Do you have to?
No. No, I don't have to, Miss...
Mundy. Gloria Mundy.
Moria Glun... Moria Glundy.
- Can we go out the back way? - The back way.
Fine with me, Gloria. Anything you say.
My name is Stanley Tibbets. Do you go to these bars often, Gloria?
I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, human desire...
It's a fascinating thing. I mean, take me for instance.
I... I have an interesting job. I... I work for the city.
- But every now and then... - Couldn't we walk just a little faster?
Oh, you seem to be in a hurry. Not that I object.
I mean, God, any man would love a woman who lays it on the line.
Take, for instance, the average woman,
who takes two weeks of dinners before you even get to first base.
I mean, I've been in America for two years, and...
- Mr. Tibbets, please! - Oh, call me Stanley.
Here it is, my own little beaver trap.
Oh, don't turn the lights on just yet.
I'll go and close the curtains.
Oh, sure thing, baby.
Anything you say.
How's that?
Oh, listen. I don't want you to think that I'm acting too strangely, but I have to...
No, no, no, no. No, I understand. Make yourself comfortable.
- Oh, thank you. - Let me get you a drink.
- That would be nice. Thank you. - What would you like?
I've got it all.
I don't know.
Leave it to me. I know just the thing for your mood.
How about that music?
- Fine. - Great beat.
- Yes. - Hidden speakers. Quadraphonic.
- Really? - Yeah, I got it all.
Here we are, foxy loxy.
- Gloria. - Gloria.
- Tastes like Tabasco. - It's called Spanish fly.
I've never had it before.
Well, I know a few people...
...in Spain.
What about that, then?
- Look, Mr. Tibb... - Stanley.
Stanley, I hope you don't mind that I stay here just a moment.
- I just wanna make sure... - No. No need for explanations.
Listen, as you say over here,
"You're put on this world to do your thing.
"I'm put on this world to do my thing.
"And if, perchance, our things...
"...do...
"...meet...
"...that's... That's groovy."
- I just wanna look out the window. - Fine. Fine.
Do you...? Do you mind if I make myself comfortable?
- Huh? No. - No!
Do you have any binoculars?
What'd you say? Binoculars?
Are you into that too? Me as well.
I read about it in Penthouse. Just a second.
Here you are, sweet thing.
- Thank you. - Anything you want, doll face.
I got it all.
OK, Gloria! What are we waiting for?
Oh, my God!
What's the matter, baby?
Well, what is this? What are you doing?
Why are you undressed?
I don't believe it! Did you think that I...?
Didn't you want to...?
Stanley, really.
- Where did you get the idea that...? - It was just a bit of fun.
You know, a... A few laughs.
- What's this on the wall? - That is... nothing.
It's... a training film. It's purely educational.
- And what's over here? - Oh, God!
Oh, my God. Did you...? Where did you find all this stuff?
I'm sorry, I don't do this very often.
I never knew there was such diversity.
- Please come back! - It's amazing, just amazing.
- I got this for my nieces. - Oh...
- No, I... I borrowed it for a party. - Here, here, let me do that for you.
- Maybe I should call you a cab. - Yes, please.
Mr. Hennesey?
Formal sentencing will be in two weeks.
It's expected he will be given the maximum penalty.
Continuing on his international goodwill tour, Pope Pius Xlll
arrived today in Washington for an informal visit with the president.
The two talked for more than an hour, after which the pontiff was honored
at a huge White House reception attended by what appeared to be
nearly every major dignitary in the nation's capital...
... world peace and universal brotherhood.
Next up, the vice president arrives in San Francisco.
But first, this message.
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz Oh, what a relief it is
Come over here.
Where is it?
- Where is it? - What?
Lady... I don't want any trouble.
Just give me what Scott gave you yesterday.
But he gave me nothing.
What did he give you in the car?
I swear he gave me nothing except a pack of cigarettes.
- Where are they? - In my purse.
Where's your purse? Where?
Over there, on the couch.
OK, stay.
No...
Hello? Police?
Oh, something terrible's happened. What?
A murder. I wanna report a murder.
Oh, all right, but hurry!
Hello? Yes.
A man broke into my apartment, and I think I've killed him!
Well, no.
No, it happened just now.
Just now, I came home and he was here.
What? What?
Oh, all right, I'll hold on, but hurry!
Gloria Mundy.
430 Vallejo, second-floor apartment. Please, come right away...
Oh, no!
No! No!
Hello. How you feeling?
You. What are you doing here?
They're from the police. Are you all right?
I'm inspector Ferguson, ma'am,
and this is my sometime partner, Lieutenant Carlson.
They said you'd called about a murder.
I had to break the lock.
The body! Where's the body?
- What body? - The dead body!
It was right there! Didn't you see it?
Who?
And the phone...
And the window...
Oh, my God, it happened again.
- What's happened again? - Just like last night.
- Just like in the movie theater. - What?
The dead body. It's gone! It vanished!
Well, maybe it was embarrassed.
Come on in here. I think you better sit down.
But you don't understand. The body has disappeared.
- Whose body was it? - I don't know.
A man with a scar.
He tried to murder me, but I stabbed him with the needles.
Oh, narcotics, huh?
No, knitting. And...
Oh, I put them back in the basket.
And the poker too. Or did you do that?
Hey, relax.
All we did was get an emergency call on a homicide.
We got here, broke in the door with your landlord,
and found you unconscious on the kitchen floor.
I carried you to the couch...
- You carried me? - Yes.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
And you woke up insisting that there's a dead body around here.
Look, I know it sounds strange, but somebody cleaned the place up.
- And took away the dead body? - Right.
Wait a minute!
I've got it! It must have been the albino.
Who's the albino?
He's the one who killed the man with the scar.
You said you killed the man with the scar.
I did. Except he killed him after I killed him.
See, I didn't really kill him. I just stabbed him with the needles.
Right after he heard the cuckoo.
Oh, you don't believe me, do you?
But it's true. It really happened.
You believe me, don't you, Mr. Hennesey?
My darling, if you believe it, I believe it.
There's some very mixed-up people out there.
They're puny spirits with small minds.
Like that man told you in the movies last night,
"Beware of the midgets. They're taking over the world."
Mr. Hennesey, he didn't. He said, "Beware of the dwarf!"
A dwarf?
Well, whatever. Now, you're not to worry about anything.
I'm here to make sure that you're safe. In fact...
...l'm going to put a brand-new lock on this door, right now.
A big one, yeah.
Oh, he doesn't believe me.
He thinks I've been dreaming or something.
Don't be silly.
Gloria...
...did you drop acid a little earlier tonight?
No. No, you don't understand! A man tried to kill me here tonight.
- The albino? - No, no!
- The man with the scar? - Yes!
See, the albino tried to kill me earlier,
- but I smashed him with my umbrella. - Your umbrella?
I'd never met the man with the scar before.
Unless he's the one that was driving that black limousine.
Why did he wanna kill you?
- Who? - Man with the scar.
I'm not sure, but I think it was because of the cigarettes.
- He wanted a cigarette, or...? - No, he wanted the whole pack.
Kind of greedy.
The albino must have wanted the cigarettes too.
So he killed the man with the scar to get them.
Right.
And I'll bet he's the one who killed Scotty.
- Scotty? - Who's Scotty?
Look, Gloria...
...I know you've been through something here tonight,
real or imagined. But I just wanna bring you down to earth a bit.
You gotta see how absurd this whole thing is.
We have no dead body, there's been no sign of violence.
Our suspects are albinos and chain-smokers.
Wait a minute! I've got it!
The albino is working for the dwarf.
I tell you, I've been on some dumb calls in my time, but this one tops them.
Where'd you meet this ding-dong, anyway?
What's all that stuff about having her for lunch
down at the station house tomorrow?
You're not even supposed to be riding around with me.
- It's fate, Fergie. Kismet. - Kismet, my ass.
- Listen, this girl is weird, Tony. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But she's got the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen.
Yeah, they're blue.
And behind those blue eyes is a fruitcake with a homicidal umbrella.
- Wait a minute! - What?
You have the prettiest green eyes I've ever seen.
Cut that out. I hate it when you do that.
- Don't do that anymore, all right? - Let's go, beautiful.
Gloria, I don't believe you.
How can you be so gullible?
You have got albinos chasing you down the street,
prowlers breaking into your apartment. Don't you see?
They're only after one thing.
- They wanna get into your pants. - I don't think so.
And now you have this cop inviting you
down to the station house on your lunch hour.
Do you think he's not gonna try for a little nookie?
He's really nice.
- Gloria, I'm your friend, right? - Right.
And I wouldn't steer you wrong, would I?
No.
Take these.
Without them, you are a walking light bulb waiting to be screwed.
Let's see. One, two, five, six.
Six.
They used to have the most beautiful dude ranch near Phoenix.
"Happy Trails", I think they called it.
Of course, this was before the war.
Here we are, with a 13 and a Double Word Score.
- That makes 26. - Twenty-six.
Ever see that Arizona Highways?
Oh, it is the most beautiful magazine, isn't it?
Let me see, now...
One, two, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, four... 15.
Such lovely pictures. I wonder if they still put it out.
Why, I see them now and again at the library.
And here we go.
Eight, nine, ten, 11... And double that...
We have 15, we have 26, and double is...
- Fifty-two! - Wait, Elsie.
I think you're wrong.
I think you spell that word with a hyphen.
Really?
I was just taking a shot.
There she is!
Oh, no.
Oh, yes. They tried it again.
Gloria, just sit back and enjoy the fire.
I'm pouring you a nice, warm albino martini.
Here you go. Drink this, and it's off to bed.
You should have been a doctor.
OK, we'll play whatever you like.
- Mind if I smoke? - No, go right ahead.
You know, it's funny. My father was a doctor.
- Wanted me to be one too. - What happened?
Well, I went to medical school.
It was tough. All those books.
Then I joined the paramedics. That was tougher.
Besides... I always had a yearning for the criminal life.
- But you're a cop. - Same difference.
- How's the milk? - It's great.
- Lieutenant... - Tony.
I don't understand.
Last night, you didn't believe the story I told you, did you?
- I believed that you believed it. - What about tonight?
Did you believe I was kidnapped?
I know the address of the building they held me in.
- It seems that... - Look,
I promise I'll check that out first thing in the morning.
And the license plate of the black limousine, 121 TCE.
- Got it. - Tony, I'm not lying.
No one thinks you are.
Why would anybody wanna kill me?
Hey.
Come on.
You're safe here.
I checked all the windows and the doors, everything.
You trust me, don't you?
Here, finish your milk.
Good girl. Full?
- Feel better, don't you? - Yes.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Oh, I'm not working tomorrow. I'm home.
Fine.
Would you like me to carry you to your bedroom?
No, thanks. I can walk.
OK, then I'm gonna take off.
Don't worry, Gloria.
If there really is somebody out there trying to kill you,
I promise you, we'll find out who and why.
Well, the room checks out. Nobody up there.
Landlord said it's been empty for months.
It's rented on a yearly basis to a guy called... Stiltskin.
Stiltskin...
I've heard that name somewhere before.
Oh, no.
I thought when you were suspended, I'd have a three-week vacation.
I was framed.
You're lucky you've still got your badge.
Arresting the mayor for speeding and then cuffing him.
Are you out of your mind?
I'm telling you, he was wearing eye makeup.
Get out of here!
Hey, listen, this is serious.
What was that story, wasn't too long ago,
about a guy named Stiltskin?
You been talking to Donahue?
No, why?
You know this guy?
Yeah, I've seen him around. Works undercover, right?
He did. His name's Bob Scott.
And we just fished his body out of the bay.
Scotty.
Yeah, he was working on a tip that a major assassination
is gonna take place here in the city, Thursday night.
- Tomorrow night. - The biggest hit man west of Chicago
has been hired for the job.
His name is Stiltskin,
Rupert Stiltskin.
Stiltskin?
Yeah, alias "The Dwarf".
Holy shit.
Oh, no. He's nice, really.
He brought me home last night, and...
And then he had the police bring my car back this morning.
- Who is it? - Special delivery.
Just a second, Stella. Somebody's at the door.
- Miss Mundy? - Yes.
Just a moment.
Hiya, toots.
I've been looking forward to this meeting for some time.
- You... You're a dwarf. - True, true.
J.J. MacKuen's my name, and life's my game.
Not life insurance, but life everlasting.
Interested?
- Oh, my God. - Sure you are.
Please. If I'm gonna do this right,
I've got to have your undivided attention.
She'll call you right back.
You... You're the dwarf.
Well, actually, we prefer to be called "little people".
It was you who was asking for me at the library.
True, true. But, unfortunately, our paths didn't cross.
No matter.
Today, I have brought with me a little present
that my employer wants you to have.