×ÖÄ» Okay, we've exchanged
×ÖÄ» make-up gifts for lashing out at each other,
×ÖÄ» but the most important thing is to also verbally apologize.
×ÖÄ» Especially when we...
×ÖÄ» tried to blind somebody with perfume.
×ÖÄ» Sorry, Nolan.
×ÖÄ» It's okay.
×ÖÄ» My eyeballs never smelled better.
×ÖÄ» Changed someone's ringtone to "Smack My Bitch Up."
×ÖÄ» I'm sorry, Ed.
×ÖÄ» Tried to put someone on the No-Fly List.
×ÖÄ» Sorry about that, Lacey.
×ÖÄ» If that is your real name.
×ÖÄ» FYI, I'm already on the No-Fly List.
×ÖÄ» Do not try to steal drinks from flight attendants
×ÖÄ» 'cause those hos are located here, here, and here.
×ÖÄ» And referred to someone as...
×ÖÄ» "A giant piece of crap walking around in a bag of human skin."
×ÖÄ» Sorry, me.
×ÖÄ» It's okay, me.
×ÖÄ» Oh, hey, everybody.
×ÖÄ» Sorry, Charlie. I didn't realize you were in group.
×ÖÄ» - I don't wanna interrupt. - It's okay, Dad.
×ÖÄ» Are you gonna pick up some grapefruit later?
×ÖÄ» - I was really in the mood for grapefruit this morning. -
×ÖÄ» Yeah, sorry, Dad. I was busy,
×ÖÄ» but I'll make sure I get everything on your list
×ÖÄ» when I go to the store later.
×ÖÄ» - And don't forget the pudding. - How could I?
×ÖÄ» It was on your list twice underlined with stars and arrows.
×ÖÄ» - I like pudding. - Is that what that meant?
×ÖÄ» - See you later, Dad. - And make sure you get the eight-pack.
×ÖÄ» - The four-pack's a joke. - Oh, my God.
×ÖÄ» - I'm sorry. I didn't wanna interrupt. - No problem, but you did.
×ÖÄ» - Didn't mean to. - But continue to.
×ÖÄ» So is your father living here now?
×ÖÄ» No, it just seems that way because
×ÖÄ» he showed up last week and now he won't go home.
×ÖÄ» - Tells me he had a problem with his plumbing.
×ÖÄ» - Maybe it's his building.
×ÖÄ» Or maybe it's him
×ÖÄ» with all that grapefruit and pudding.
×ÖÄ» All right, let's get back to the session.
×ÖÄ» I have a question.
×ÖÄ» Nolan, you didn't do anything to me.
×ÖÄ» Why did you give me a teddy bear?
×ÖÄ» I just saw it and thought it could keep you company,
×ÖÄ» you know, and if you're happy you can kiss it
×ÖÄ» and if you're sad you can just hold it to your bosom.
×ÖÄ» That is so sweet. Is that a camera, Nolan?
×ÖÄ» What?! A camera?
×ÖÄ» That guy ripped me off! What a bad man!
×ÖÄ» Just once, I'd like a bear without a camera.
×ÖÄ» Nolan, you really gotta examine this obsession
×ÖÄ» you have with Lacey.
×ÖÄ» Once again, you're attracted to someone who treats you badly
×ÖÄ» and validates your low self-esteem.
×ÖÄ» Really? 'Cause I--
×ÖÄ» Shut your loser hole. He's trying to help you.
×ÖÄ» Can I interject something?
×ÖÄ» See, I think the first step
×ÖÄ» to feeling better about yourself is looking better.
×ÖÄ» I mean, you could start
×ÖÄ» by just making a couple of changes.
×ÖÄ» For example, just--
×ÖÄ» all of this and just all of this.
×ÖÄ» Patrick, getting self-esteem
×ÖÄ» is not as easy as a change of clothes.
×ÖÄ» It takes hard work and it's a gradual process.
×ÖÄ» Well, as a personal shopper,
×ÖÄ» I see clothes transform people every day.
×ÖÄ» It's like therapy except that it's faster
×ÖÄ» and no one wears black shoes and white socks...
×ÖÄ» Ed.
×ÖÄ» Patrick, there's no reason to praise
×ÖÄ» one profession at the expense of another.
×ÖÄ» Even if one of those professions is selling clothes
×ÖÄ» made by five-year-old, crying, Chinese girls.
×ÖÄ» I wanna try to look good.
×ÖÄ» Will you, uh, help me, Patrick?
×ÖÄ» Well, I don't wanna get in the way
×ÖÄ» of the glacial progress you're making here,
×ÖÄ» but, yeah, sure. Let's give it a try.
×ÖÄ» Did I mention that sometimes
×ÖÄ» they shoot the girls for crying too hard?
×ÖÄ» Sorry, Dad. Can I see you for a second?
×ÖÄ» - It's about Grandpa. - Excuse me a second, guys.
×ÖÄ» I know you're just the messenger, but if this is anything about
×ÖÄ» grapefruit or pudding, I swear to God...
×ÖÄ» - I just want you to see something. - Yeah.
×ÖÄ» I don't know if we should be worried about Grandpa or not,
×ÖÄ» but I found this.
×ÖÄ» Why would Grandpa put his shoes in the refrigerator?
×ÖÄ» - Is he okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
×ÖÄ» - He's fine. - Are you sure?
×ÖÄ» Yeah--
×ÖÄ» yeah, it's an old Irish tradition.
×ÖÄ» When you go to someone's house,
×ÖÄ» you put your shoes in their fridge as a sign of respect.
×ÖÄ» Did you feel respected?
×ÖÄ» So, why don't we complete the tradition
×ÖÄ» by taking these shoes back up to Grandpa's room
×ÖÄ» and pretending like this never happened.
×ÖÄ» In all my 65 years,
×ÖÄ» I have never been this happy.
×ÖÄ» - I thought you were 72. - The whole thing was a lie.
×ÖÄ» You think I've never been this happy?
×ÖÄ» - Yeah. - Don't you wanna answer that?
×ÖÄ» Nah, just someone calling to wish me a happy birthday
×ÖÄ» and make another stupid over-the-hill joke.
×ÖÄ» "What was it like to live when the dinosaurs roamed the Earth?"
×ÖÄ» It was like-- mind your own damn business, buster.
×ÖÄ» - People are so rude. - Yeah.
×ÖÄ» But seriously, what was it like?
×ÖÄ» You know, a lot of times the dinosaurs would kill
×ÖÄ» the youngest member of the family for being a smart aleck.
×ÖÄ» Sam, take your Grandpa and go watch that DVD we got him.
×ÖÄ» - I'll bring in the cake and ice cream. - Great.
×ÖÄ» Can't wait to see "Grumpy Old Men" Again.
×ÖÄ» Hope nobody cut their hand
×ÖÄ» digging through the bargain bin by the check-out counter.
×ÖÄ» Nice to know I'm worth a buck 99.
×ÖÄ» So Sam told me that Martin put his shoes in the fridge.
×ÖÄ» That doesn't sound good. Is he okay?
×ÖÄ» He had a senior moment.
×ÖÄ» You're always blowing stuff out of proportion.
×ÖÄ» - People forget things. - Yeah, I guess.
×ÖÄ» When you were on the road playing baseball,
×ÖÄ» you used to forget we were married.
×ÖÄ» All right, you got me. We're even now.
×ÖÄ» Guess we don't have to talk about that anymore.
×ÖÄ» Hey, excuse me. I gotta hit the john before we start the film.
×ÖÄ» - Charlie, what are we animals? - What?
×ÖÄ» - You should put a door on this thing. - Dad, Dad, Dad.
×ÖÄ» - Stop, stop. It's not a bathroom. - What?
×ÖÄ» - It's not a bathroom. - What?
×ÖÄ» Oh, man. I am really sorry.
×ÖÄ» I guess I got a little distracted.
×ÖÄ» - You okay? - Yeah, I'm just really embarrassed
×ÖÄ» and, uh, I still have to go to the bathroom.
×ÖÄ» - There's one upstairs, right?
×ÖÄ» - Yeah, it's the room without the beds.
×ÖÄ» Charlie, you've really gotta take your dad to the doctor.
×ÖÄ» Could be something serious like Alzheimer's.
×ÖÄ» Alzheimer's? No, it's probably just another one of his tricks.
×ÖÄ» Maybe he wants something. Maybe he wants to move in with me.
×ÖÄ» You're right.
×ÖÄ» Maybe nobody has Alzheimer's
×ÖÄ» and one out of five old people just wanna live with you.
×ÖÄ» All right, fine. I'll take him to the doctor,
×ÖÄ» but I'm telling you, Jen, he just wants someone to wait on him
×ÖÄ» hand and foot like his ex-wife used to.
×ÖÄ» You really think he'd go that far?
×ÖÄ» He'd pee in your pantry just to fool you?
×ÖÄ» He's from a generation of people
×ÖÄ» who still knew the value of hard work and commitment.
×ÖÄ» There are those who look at a toilet and say, "Why?"
×ÖÄ» He looks at a pantry and says, "Why not?"
×ÖÄ» I really appreciate you doing this for me, Patrick.
×ÖÄ» - I hope I don't let you down. - Are you kidding me?
×ÖÄ» You're every stylist's dream.
×ÖÄ» You're a blank slate with no style whatsoever.
×ÖÄ» Thank you.
×ÖÄ» All right, let's find out who is in there.
×ÖÄ» Give me one word to describe yourself.
×ÖÄ» Nolan.
×ÖÄ» All right, you're gonna have to go a little bit deeper.
×ÖÄ» Nolan.
×ÖÄ» You know what, I have a pretty good sense of who you are,
×ÖÄ» so let's just see what we can do to cover that up.
×ÖÄ» Sounds good.
×ÖÄ» There. Now that is the kind of shirt
×ÖÄ» the commands respect.
×ÖÄ» Wow. I respect it already.
×ÖÄ» Here. Put this on.
×ÖÄ» Oh, my-- look at you.
×ÖÄ» You already look like a different man.
×ÖÄ» Oh, my God. I am.
×ÖÄ» I look like Ryan Gosling.
×ÖÄ» His assistant. You sure do.
×ÖÄ» See, when you look better,
×ÖÄ» you actually feel better about yourself.
×ÖÄ» You're right. I do feel better.
×ÖÄ» If I met myself in a bar...
×ÖÄ» I'd talk to me.
×ÖÄ» All we need to do is add this
×ÖÄ» for just a splash of color.
×ÖÄ» Uh, I should of told you. I-- I don't like ties.
×ÖÄ» No, I know it's a little formal,
×ÖÄ» but now instead of looking like a guy
×ÖÄ» who sells weed in an alley,
×ÖÄ» you'll look like the guy
×ÖÄ» in charge of a guy who sells weed in an alley.
×ÖÄ» I-- I-- I don't care.
×ÖÄ» - Get-- get it off of me, get it off of me.
×ÖÄ» - Would you just hold still?
×ÖÄ» God, it's like Tarzan's first day in the city.
×ÖÄ» It's a tie. It's not gonna hurt you.
×ÖÄ» I can't breathe!
×ÖÄ» Well, now that we have learned something about you,
×ÖÄ» here's something about me.
×ÖÄ» I am very uncomfortable when people cry.
×ÖÄ» Well, that is the last time I ever open up to you.
×ÖÄ» - Yo. - Hi.
×ÖÄ» So, how'd it go at the doctors?
×ÖÄ» Is your dad faking it or does he really have the 'Heimer's?
×ÖÄ» The 'Heimer's?
×ÖÄ» Real sensitive. How's your mom's 'kemia?
×ÖÄ» Oh, it's in remish.
×ÖÄ» Look, it helps me to deal with the heavy stuff
×ÖÄ» by just giving it a little nickname.
×ÖÄ» That's how I function.
×ÖÄ» I learned that from a Jewish friend
×ÖÄ» who lost his grandparents in the 'Caust.
×ÖÄ» You even have a nickname for the Holocaust?
×ÖÄ» No, he lost 'em at Costco.
×ÖÄ» They wandered off. They had the 'Heimer's.
×ÖÄ» So how's your dad?
×ÖÄ» Well, we took him to the doctor.
×ÖÄ» He didn't do so well on the cognitive stuff.
×ÖÄ» That doesn't prove anything. Tests are inconclusive.
×ÖÄ» So there's no way to know for sure?
×ÖÄ» Not until they do an autopsy.
×ÖÄ» I tried to schedule one for tomorrow, but, you know, rules.
×ÖÄ» - So what's the next step? - I don't know,
×ÖÄ» but my gut tells me he's faking it.
×ÖÄ» Maybe he tanked the tests on purpose.
×ÖÄ» Well, what if he didn't?
×ÖÄ» What kind of son are you if it turns out he's really sick?
×ÖÄ» The kind that will spend the rest of my life wracked with guilt.
×ÖÄ» I can't wait to find out.
×ÖÄ» I need to know if he's faking it now.
×ÖÄ» Good luck with that.
×ÖÄ» You're gonna have to watch the guy all day to know for sure.
×ÖÄ» That's why I'm gonna use this teddy spy cam.
×ÖÄ» One of my patients left it behind.
×ÖÄ» Yeah, I got one of those at home.
×ÖÄ» I thought my housekeeper was stealing from me.
×ÖÄ» Is this the hot one?
×ÖÄ» Oh, yeah.
×ÖÄ» So was she stealing from you?
×ÖÄ» Not enough to let her go.
×ÖÄ» It's always an ethical dilemma when the hot turn to crime.
×ÖÄ» They belong in jail, but they're so hot.
×ÖÄ» It's a good thing they didn't
×ÖÄ» have hidden cameras like this when I was younger.
×ÖÄ» I'm sure my parents would
×ÖÄ» have used it to catch me doing something wrong.
×ÖÄ» You guys had some trust issues?
×ÖÄ» Yeah, and it only got worse
×ÖÄ» when they found out I was sleeping with a college professor.
×ÖÄ» - You slept with a professor while you were in college? - No!
×ÖÄ» I would never do that. I was in high school.
×ÖÄ» You are an endless wellspring of wow.
×ÖÄ» Thank you. Can we go now?
×ÖÄ» We've been watching your father for an hour and a half.
×ÖÄ» All he's done is eat some pudding,
×ÖÄ» do a crossword puzzle, eat some more pudding.
×ÖÄ» - This could take days. - No, no, no, no.
×ÖÄ» This is all proving my point.
×ÖÄ» When I'm home it's all
×ÖÄ» peeing in the pantry and shoes in the fridge,
×ÖÄ» but look at him right now.
×ÖÄ» He's as normal as you and me.
×ÖÄ» Well, me.
×ÖÄ» I didn't have sex with college professors until I was in college.
×ÖÄ» - But you're not gonna see anything. - Yes, I am.
×ÖÄ» I'll see enough to prove that my father's a big, fat liar.
×ÖÄ» He hasn't done one thing out of the ordinary.
×ÖÄ» He's using an ice cream sandwich as a remote control.
×ÖÄ» No, he's not. He's...
×ÖÄ» using an ice cream sandwich as a remote control.
×ÖÄ» Oh, my God.
×ÖÄ» He's got the 'Heimer's.
×ÖÄ» Too easy.
×ÖÄ» - Hey, Dad. - Hey.
×ÖÄ» - How you doing? - I'm okay,
×ÖÄ» but I think you need to
×ÖÄ» get a refund on this subscription, though.
×ÖÄ» They printed the whole magazine upside down.
×ÖÄ» - Hold on. I think I have an extra copy. - Oh.
×ÖÄ» Oh, thank you, son.
×ÖÄ» - Mind if I have a beer with ya? - Not at all.
×ÖÄ» - Please, join me. -
×ÖÄ» Listen, I've been thinking.
×ÖÄ» We should talk about you coming to live with me.
×ÖÄ» - Permanently. - Oh, no, no, no.
×ÖÄ» I couldn't do that, son. I mean, it's great fun living here,
×ÖÄ» but I have to get back to my own place.
×ÖÄ» I'm sorry, Dad, but it's just much safer if you're here,
×ÖÄ» - so I can keep an eye on you. - What happened?
×ÖÄ» Is it the results from those tests?
×ÖÄ» That doesn't mean anything.
×ÖÄ» No, no. You're sharp as ever.
×ÖÄ» Just to be on the safe side, I'm gonna go to your apartment
×ÖÄ» - and bring all your stuff back here. - No, no, no.
×ÖÄ» You can't do that. No, I'll never give up my independence.
×ÖÄ» By God, I fought in the war. Incoming! Take cover!
×ÖÄ» Take cover, son! We gotta get outta here.
×ÖÄ» All right, cease fire. At ease, Dad, at ease, at ease.
×ÖÄ» Come on, come on. It's okay.
×ÖÄ» - Oh. - It's okay. It's all right, come on.
×ÖÄ» Oh, my. I'm so sorry. I get scared sometimes, son.
×ÖÄ» It's okay.
×ÖÄ» Why don't you sit down and let me fix you a club sandwich.
×ÖÄ» With extra bacon?
×ÖÄ» Sure, Dad. Extra bacon.
×ÖÄ» Yeah, because, you know, I think I remember I like it crispy.
×ÖÄ» Oh, hey.
×ÖÄ» Sorry, I always
×ÖÄ» fall asleep after a panic attack.
×ÖÄ» Sucks when it happens in a supermarket or a bank.
×ÖÄ» Well, I don't really know what to do now.
×ÖÄ» I guess I should ask you if you wanna talk about it.
×ÖÄ» I can't, it's too painful.
×ÖÄ» Oh, thank God.
×ÖÄ» I have packed you a to-go box, so I will see you in group.
×ÖÄ» - I guess it all started with my dad. - Oh, crap.
×ÖÄ» He was an ex-Marine from Texas. Scary man.
×ÖÄ» There was a seven grade dance
×ÖÄ» and I didn't wanna go 'cause I was kinda awkward back then.
×ÖÄ» You? No.
×ÖÄ» And my dad said that I had to go to the dance and meet girls.
×ÖÄ» So I hid under the bed and he pulled me out by my tie
×ÖÄ» and dragged me by my neck all the way to the dance.
×ÖÄ» Oh, my God. That's awful.
×ÖÄ» It's like some sort of reverse "Footloose."
×ÖÄ» And to this day, I can't wear a tie.
×ÖÄ» - I'm feel like I'm choking. - No, no, no, no.
×ÖÄ» Don't do that. We've done that already.
×ÖÄ» Just tell me what I can do to make it better.
×ÖÄ» A hug would help.
×ÖÄ» Yeah, so just let me know if you think of anything.
×ÖÄ» I'd like a hug, Patrick.
×ÖÄ» I'm sorry. I don't do comfort.
×ÖÄ» It's my issue. I've just never been really good
×ÖÄ» around other people's pain. But I'm working on it, though.
×ÖÄ» Okay, I understand. I think I can drive home now.
×ÖÄ» Great. So...
×ÖÄ» - feel better. - Thanks.
×ÖÄ» No one has ever listened to me without being paid before.
×ÖÄ» Okeydokey.
×ÖÄ» - Okay, that's enough. - Stay with it.
×ÖÄ» You're doing great. Ride it out, big guy.
×ÖÄ» You brought this on yourself, Nolan.
×ÖÄ» Didn't your father have a whole collection of watches?
×ÖÄ» I can't find them anywhere.
×ÖÄ» Check the microwave?
×ÖÄ» Like there's room in there with all his socks.
×ÖÄ» - - Woman: Hello?
×ÖÄ» We know you're in there, Martin. We can hear you.
×ÖÄ» Get your ass out here, you coward!
×ÖÄ» Wow. Don't stiff the Girl Scouts
×ÖÄ» for cookies in this neighborhood.
×ÖÄ» 45 years ago.
×ÖÄ» You must be the girls from Troop one.
×ÖÄ» - Who the hell are you? - It's obviously his son.
×ÖÄ» Look at him. He's got Martin's face.
×ÖÄ» Maybe that's why I wanna punch it.
×ÖÄ» And to what do I owe this pleasure?
×ÖÄ» We need to see your father. Martin, get out here!
×ÖÄ» Whoa, slowdown. What is going on?
×ÖÄ» This young man's father was having a relationship with me.
×ÖÄ» While we were waltzing in the sheets down the hall.
×ÖÄ» Hold on, hold on.
×ÖÄ» Are you telling me that my dad, Martin,
×ÖÄ» the patron saint of monogamy, was cheating with two women?
×ÖÄ» Oh, my gosh. You make total sense now, Charlie.
×ÖÄ» Cheating is genetic.
×ÖÄ» He's been avoiding us ever since we found out about each other.
×ÖÄ» We confronted him and he ran.
×ÖÄ» We would have caught him, but he went up some stairs.
×ÖÄ» So you were the ones that were calling all the time.
×ÖÄ» He's such a liar.
×ÖÄ» He actually told us he couldn't be responsible
×ÖÄ» for his actions 'cause he had Alzheimer's.
×ÖÄ» - Geez, geez. - Wow.
×ÖÄ» How stupid would someone have to be
×ÖÄ» to believe a load of crap like that?
×ÖÄ» He's your dad, Charlie. You wanted to believe him.
×ÖÄ» I wanna confront him, but it might be too late.
×ÖÄ» I hear he's getting pushed out of his son's window later
×ÖÄ» this afternoon.
×ÖÄ» Hey, Dad.
×ÖÄ» - How was your day? - Oh, not so good, son.
×ÖÄ» I couldn't even find the laundry room today.
×ÖÄ» If a man can't do his own laundry, what's left of him?
×ÖÄ» I guess, I'll just have to swallow my pride
×ÖÄ» and let you do that for me, too.
×ÖÄ» Damn this disease.
×ÖÄ» Dad, sit down. I gotta talk to ya.
×ÖÄ» You mean over there on the sailboat?
×ÖÄ» - Yes, on the sailboat. - All right.
×ÖÄ» - Ah-- that's the rowboat. - Oh.
×ÖÄ» Sorry.
×ÖÄ» Listen, I got some bad news
×ÖÄ» and I know that it's gonna be hard to hear.
×ÖÄ» The results from your blood work came back
×ÖÄ» and they found some kind of a rare bone disease.
×ÖÄ» - What? - I know, I know.
×ÖÄ» I couldn't believe it either, but there is something they can do.
×ÖÄ» It's a marrow procedure
×ÖÄ» that's extremely painful
×ÖÄ» and takes a very, very, very long time.
×ÖÄ» Oh, my God.
×ÖÄ» But here's the good news.
×ÖÄ» There is one day a week
×ÖÄ» where you're not strapped down to the machine,
×ÖÄ» but you spend most of that day in the bathroom.
×ÖÄ» So you found out about Elaine and Barbara, huh?
×ÖÄ» And you found out about the teddy cam.
×ÖÄ» I saw it in a SkyMall magazine.
×ÖÄ» Anyone who's ever gotten on a plane
×ÖÄ» without any reading material could've figured that one out.
×ÖÄ» Dad, I gotta tell you. What you did was disgusting.
×ÖÄ» Oh, come on. Barb's not that bad and Elaine's got DIRECTV.
×ÖÄ» I'm talking about faking Alzheimer's.
×ÖÄ» Why didn't you just tell me you needed a place to hide out?
×ÖÄ» Oh, Charlie.
×ÖÄ» I've always ridden you so hard for being a womanizer.
×ÖÄ» I didn't wanna give you the impression that I was,
×ÖÄ» - you know a... - Hypocrite?
×ÖÄ» Hey, just because you say one
×ÖÄ» thing and do another, doesn't make you a hypocrite.
×ÖÄ» Can we continue this conversation upstairs near a window?
×ÖÄ» Look, I never meant for this to happen. Believe me.
×ÖÄ» I had real feelings for both of them and I just couldn't choose.
×ÖÄ» See, Barbara's a diabetic and Elaine's got melanoma,
×ÖÄ» so I was kinda hoping God would choose for me.
×ÖÄ» Well, he didn't.
×ÖÄ» So now you gotta go back there and deal with them.
×ÖÄ» Oh, no. After what I've done, they're both so angry.
×ÖÄ» - I just don't know if I can handle it.
×ÖÄ» - You won't have to do it alone.
×ÖÄ» Luckily, your son is an anger management therapist.
×ÖÄ» - I'll even mediate. - You'd really do that for me?
×ÖÄ» I remember a dad who was always there when his kid got in a jam.
×ÖÄ» - Mr. Kellerman down the street.
×ÖÄ» - Yeah, I'm gonna do this for him.
×ÖÄ» Oh, Charlie. They're gonna kill me.
×ÖÄ» Dad, don't worry.
×ÖÄ» Sure, they're gonna wanna yell at you and humiliate you
×ÖÄ» and maybe even throw some stuff,
×ÖÄ» but none of that will happen as long as I'm here.
×ÖÄ» - Oh. -
×ÖÄ» Barb. Elaine.
×ÖÄ» He's all yours.
×ÖÄ» Wait a sec! No, no, wait a minute. I didn't... Charlie!