Sometimes, life is so perfect.
Isn't it?
It has to be. To make up for all the hard stuff it throws your way.
You have to learn to walk.
You have to learn to talk.
You have to wear
that totally ridiculous hat your grandma bought you.
You have no say in the matter.
And when you're a little older, even though you get to choose your hats,
you don't get to choose what they put in those meatballs at the cafeteria.
Or when to fall in love.
Things happen, and you just have to deal.
And breathe.
Let's just think of the day my parent's divorce came through
as 'Big, Ugly Hat Day. '
Refer to diagram B on page 19.
'The Tree of Life. '
And breathe.
Anybody but his own selfish pleasure.
Mom, please. - Focus.
I couldn't care less about your father's midlife crisis
and complete mockery of his wedding vows.
I just hope he doesn't expect me to take...
Halley, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.
Guys... - Where do you think you're going?
As long as you're gonna kill me with flying ice, does it matter?
Excuse me, everyone. L...
Mom? - Sorry.
I have some really important news to announce here.
Lewis and I... we're getting married.
He asked me last Saturday night.
I wanted to tell you,
but I wasn't sure when, or how you'd react.
I told him I couldn't even wear this ring until after I talked to you.
But we wanna have this big Spring wedding.
Mom, I'm so happy.
Nice timing, huh?
Tell your mom you're getting married on the day she gets divorced.
Why does love make people crazy?
Scarlett, you weren't picking up your phone. I'm so sorry.
Halley, that's Michael. Michael...
Hi.
Thank you.
Bye! I love you!
What do you think?
You didn't tell me you were doing it.
When you meet the right person and you fall in love...
It's like... it's like everything you thought...
you thought is...
Can you believe it?
No. I can't.
Scarlett, come on.
You are sounding dangerously close to a Hallmark greeting card.
You're gonna let yourself turn into mush over something like sex?
Yeah.
You can't expect to do anything great in life
if you buckle the first time some guy bats his eyes at you.
News flash, Hal.
Even Madonna eventually got married.
My mom thinks that means there's hope for her, too.
Your mom wants to get married?
Well, she wants to fall in love, Halley.
Everyone does.
Hi. I've been in...
Hi. I've been divorced for a long time,
so my baggage is ancient history.
I like to think that I travel light these days.
Except for my daughter, Scarlett, who is just a joy of a carryon.
I think I'm taking the baggage thing too far.
Maybe I should start over.
You know what I think of this whole idea.
I'm only gonna send it to the online guys
who pass my rigid five-point checklist.
Here, you try.
Go away. - Lydia.
The man of your dreams is sitting out there right now
waiting to hear from you.
Speak to him.
I don't think the perfect man is gonna want to hear what I have to say.
Sure he does, Sweetie. Speak to him.
Go on.
I'm sorry, Mr. Perfect...
but if you're waiting for me, it's gonna be a hell of a long wait.
See, I've had it with men like you.
I think it's terrific that you have a great job,
and you're sensitive to the needs of others,
and you jog three times a week to keep the belly at bay.
But the second some silicon-breasted,
butt-kissing, airhead climber half your age comes along,
you can't keep your pants zipped.
Well, fuck you!
That's right, Mr. Middle-age,
think-you're-a-big-shot, phony asshole.
You ain't gettin' any from me.
Okay.
I think we'll just give this a little time.
So juvenile.
I'm glad you're back early from camp,
even though it was a dishonorable discharge.
What happened? Where were you trying to get to in that canoe?
No comment.
No comment?
I don't speak to the press.
I'm the press?
Yeah, and anything I say can and will be used against me, right?
I would never use anything against you.
Dad, give it up! It's old, and you need to get your own material.
Daddy Dog. - Yo.
Len Martin. It's you, right? WDYG's coolest DJ.
That's me.
'We dig the dog! '
Love your show, man. - Thanks, man.
You are the hippest old guy I know.
Yo, dude! I'm not that old!
That's Len Martin.
Hello, gorgeous ones.
And you invited her.
Hey, Baby. - Hey.
I thought we'd spend time together, then we could have a chance to bond.
Well... Look at you, Halley.
That's hard to do without a mirror, isn't it?
Honey, you keep getting prettier every day.
I have no idea how you could say that, cause...
you definitely don't see me every day, do you?
And yesterday, my God, I was so ugly,
and last Wednesday... that sucked, too.
So it's kind of a day-to-day thing.
I love that sense of humor.
Just like her daddy.
Look at that gorgeous girl. - Dad, stop it.
She's got her daddy's hair.
Don't cut it. - It's beautiful.
Don't cut it. Just let it grow, let it grow.
Don't cut it.
Cut it.
Okay.
Let me count the ways that this card can be used to induce...
nausea, gastric distress, vomiting.
Yeah, go ahead and mock me, but this is serious.
I need to find something funny and something sweet...
just the way Scarlett is.
Remember last time I got her... - Okay. Look, here's one.
Not helping.
'From small beginnings come great things. '
'Congratulations on your new baby. '
I thought you were gonna help.
Lighten up, Sherwood.
'The first time we met, you stole my heart. '
'Good luck in finding a compatible organ donor. ' Nice.
I'm kidding, okay? It's blank inside.
You know something? You're not too funny.
This girl is amazing... unlike you...
and she's sensitive... unlike you.
And she's sexy.
Unlike you.
There's gotta be a card... - Is that Michael?
For a redhead from... - I can't see.
A newly smitten hunka hunka burning love.
I mean... Look.
Summer romance has its own section.
It's not a summer romance. I mean...
Scarlett is... - Standing right behind you, dude.
Hi.
Sneaking up on me?
Hi, Halley. - Hi.
You remember my name?
Sure. We were in Biology together.
Yeah, I know, but...
well, you were never there, really... technically.
I like your hair.
Thank you.
See, my schedule is all wrong, which I think is a sign
that nothing's going according to plan this year.
It's a complete and total mess.
Looks like a fine schedule to me.
No. Band? I would never sign up for band.
What's wrong with band? - I don't play anything.
Well, maybe you should. I'm sure you can handle it.
Mrs. Toussaint, this is not my schedule.
Look, I'm signed up for Algebra, and I've already taken Calculus.
Maybe a brush-up is a good thing, not to mention a good grade.
Why don't you just give it a shot before you decide anything?
Okay, I'm signed up for boys' P. E.
94 FM - Fill out this form.
Daddy Dog. - We'll start again.
Len Martin with a traffic update from that love puppy in the skies,
our very own Lorna Queen.
Lorna, you up there?
Hi, Len.
On a clear day, you can see forever,
and this is one beautiful morning.
Should we tell everyone our little secret?
Careful. Baby, you sure this is the time?
I am bursting at the seams to tell everyone we're eloping.
I just spilled the beans.
That is your father's show, right?
I just love it.
Hi.
Tell him congratulations.
I'm sure you're very excited about the upcoming nuptials.
My father and my sister.
My sister and my father?
Your father and your sister are getting married?
Yeah.
No, not to each other.
I...
I have to check something before I fill this out.
Sit down, Forrester.
Let's see if we can sort out your usual chaos.
Maybe you'll even do us the honor of attending this year.
Okay, later, M. T. I gotta rethink that shop class.
I'm pretty scary with tools.
My.
You didn't know about your dad getting married?
Yes, I did.
The bastard tells the whole world before he tells you.
He's not...
Whatever.
At least if they're eloping, you won't have to go the wedding.
Weddings are the worst.
Me? I've had to go to, like, five between my parents.
Don't ask.
Listen, M. T. Wasn't giving you a hard time back there, was she?
'M. T. '?
Mrs. Toussaint and I... we're on close terms.
You get to know your guidance counselor really well
when you're clearly in desperate need of guidance.
See, I've got it down to a science.
You try the Jedi mind trick.
What's that? - You never saw Star Wars?
No, I saw it. I guess I just didn't memorize it like you did.
Well, that's your loss, isn't it?
Because the Jedi mind trick is when you tell someone what to think,
and they think it.
For example, M. T. Says,
'Macon, you're already in trouble, and it's the first day of school.
Is this any way to start the new year? '
Pretend you're me. Now what do you say?
Okay. I say...
No. I wanna be someone else.
Cute. No. You as me say...
Mrs. T, you're gonna let this one slide
because it was an honest mistake,
it's only the first day of school,
and the fire was put out as quickly as it was started.
You didn't really start a fire, did you?
The point is that you put the words into somebody's mouth
and they give them back like they've come up with the idea.
Like when I ask you to go out this Friday night,
you're gonna think you're asking me because you're gonna say,
'I would love to go out with you
'because I know we'll have a great time together.
In fact, I've been hoping you'd ask me all week. '
You wanna go out on a date with me?
See? I told you you'd ask me.
Macon, I think I like you too much already to actually go out with you.
What kind of logic is that?
It's logical logic.
The quickest way to ruin a relationship with someone
is to actually try to have a relationship with them.
Haven't you noticed when the opposite sex gets together,
eventually someone ends up getting hurt?
I am, too... boycotting.
You can't boycott your father's wedding.
It's not even a wedding. It's... an elopement.
Yeah, except everyone within his radio frequency is invited.
My God. He is such a hypocrite.
I cannot believe he wouldn't tell us about it first.
He didn't give any warning when you went dinner?
None. - She was at that dinner?
No.
Okay, yeah. She was there at the end.
Mom, come on. She wasn't even supposed to be there.
You know, I don't think I'm gonna let him walk me down the aisle.
Please stop worrying about me. I am fine. I'm fine.
In a way, it sets me free. I feel strangely liberated.
And he is still your father, after all,
and if he wants to make a complete and utter fool of himself
by trying in some pathetically cliché fashion
to recapture his sorry state of manhood,
by hooking up with not even a very attractive bimbo...
then if that's what he wants, I'm fine with that.
Someone toss, please.
Now.
This is our reception area.
With out post-ceremony champagne bar...
which is conveniently located right next to our very own chapel.
Can't you picture walking down this aisle?
In a coffin.
Sorry, it's just... a little depressing.
Actually, nobody's ever said that before.
Lewis... say something. What do you think?
Well, I like it. It's very clean.
Clean?
Is that what you want our wedding day to be? Clean?
It's not... it's not pretty,
it's not intimate, it's not romantic.
I'm just so happy that I get to marry you.
I'm sorry, not to pressure you,
but this space does book up quickly for Spring.
We have another couple...
Why don't we give them a moment to think.
Ashley, Sweetie, they plan the whole thing.
The food, the flowers... even the place cards.
Think about how much less hassle it'll be.
You think planning the most important day of our lives is a hassle?
It hasn't even been that long.
191/2 hours.
Wouldn't Michael look cool in that?
Hey, I did a good job.
Michael Sherwood would look good in anything.
That's not the point, though, okay?
Enjoy him, and fool around with him.
Don't fall in love with him.
Why do you think they call it 'falling, ' anyways?
It's not worth it to you to spend on a wedding.
It's the most important day.
I was trying to kill two birds with one stone.
Cheap is what that is.
You see cheap, I see convenience.
Look at them.
They're like a walking warning sign against romance.
Lewis is this anal, uptight geek who has my sister under some spell.
Now all this formerly semi-intelligent person thinks about
is diamonds and hairdos and bullshit.
It's like K-Mart.
How am I supposed to know what it looks like?
Maybe go by and look at it? Or maybe...
See? They don't even like each other.
But this stupid spell they're under makes them disregard all the facts.
They are fighting because they love each other enough to care.
I didn't know it looked like a K-Mart before I went there.
Once we got in there, you knew. - I made a mistake.
Too bad you can't get a divorce before getting married.
You could save yourself in that stupid extra step.
I'm sorry. - See?
What are you looking for? - These dishes, they're perfect.
That's love, Halley.
Okay, fall once and you may never be able to get back up again.
Geek! Get out of here.
Isn't he adorable?
He's cute.
All right, Michael!
Way to get that goal!
Okay, guys, line up!
Okay, back up. Let's give him some air.
Sherwood? You hear me?
Guys, back up. Give him some air, all right?
Call the doctor.
I thought my parents' divorce was the end of the world.
That was before Michael died of a heart defect.
And the world stopped.
Or it should have.
I'm sorry.
What do you think?
I think it's 100 degrees out.
What am I supposed to do?
The only black clothes I have are winter clothes.
I have nothing nice to wear.
I don't think it matters, really.
Look, this is... this is dark green and it's really nice.
It's ugly, Halley.
I'm just trying to think about something else.
Anything, for one single second.
I wanna look good for him.
Does that sound crazy?
This was a bad idea.
Yeah, but dying is definitely not one of the better concepts.
No, the dress. Everyone's looking at me like I'm a freak.
Okay, it's not for them. It's for Michael.
Remember that.
Can you believe what she's wearing?
That's, like, so disrespectful.
She always has to have all the attention to herself.
'Although it droop and die that night,
it was the plant and flower of light.
In small proportions, we just beauty see.
And in short measures,
life may perfect be.
Mr. Macon Forrester will now address us.
I was gonna read from this...
but I'm not very good at reading.
Or writing...
or spelling.
Not like Michael.
He was good at so many things without even trying.
He taught me how to be myself.
By myself.
Not to worry about what other people think.
Even if that means being completely uncool.
He taught me about how to trust people.
And how to love.
'Cause he was so good.
He loved his family, he loved his friends.
He loved basketball.
And he loved Scarlett.
And he loved this.
Take this woman, Lorna Queen, to be your lawful wedded wife,
your partner, the queen of your heart, forever and ever?
Yeah!
Daddy, rock on with your woman!
And do you, Lorna P. Queen,
take this old guy Len to be your lawfully wedded husband
for all the rest of your days?
I do.
Wrap it up. We're off in 15 seconds. Go.
Our airtime is almost up.
We must now go where Federal regulations
will not allow you to follow, if you know what I mean.
Lewis, no barking.
Sorry, but you gotta go.
Poor little thing.
I know just how it feels.
Out with the old, in with the new.
And who do you think you are?
Just because you've got great petals.
My God. I'm talking to my plants.
My God.
You're talking to your plants.
How was it?
It was great...
if you happen to be the Devil and enjoy human pain.
Tell me something.
I don't know! What do you want me to tell you?
Wait! No, the bimbo almost died of strangulation.
I cannot believe I forgot to tell you.
Her wedding veil took on a life of its own and rebelled,
and she had to claw her way out.
And you know that woman can claw.
It was so sad. It was like...
near death by wedding veil.
Just tragic, isn't it?
My God! And their vows?
Was Dad that much a loser when you guys got married?
I'm sorry.
Your father's not a loser.
Although he did choose to look like one at our wedding, too.
He insisted on wearing a powder-blue tuxedo.
Then why do people get married, anyways?
We know they're lying to each other,
but are they lying to themselves, too?
How can you promise you're gonna feel the same way forever?
Things do sometimes change, Halley.
This house is awfully big for just the two of us, don't you think?
What? - You'll be going to college soon.
Mom... a year and 3/4 is not really that soon.
I want to start thinking about streamlining.
Maybe we should sell the house.
I grew up in this house.
Yes, and there have been some great memories in this house.
This is my house.
I understand how you must feel, but life changes.
This is ridiculous, Mom! Come on!
And I don't want to live here alone.
I have to give him a ride.
Bye, Halley.
Stand back! Leaf man to the rescue.
Where did you get that?
A guy's gotta pay for gas and bacon burgers somehow, right?
And toys, 'cause I imagine
Star Wars figurines must get pretty expensive.
I do not have any Star Wars figurines.
Not many, and I don't play with them... much.
This one's on the house.
Okay.
Here you go.
You're afraid to go out with me because you might like me?
No, but that's a good theory, I guess,
if you want to protect your fragile male ego.
'Cause you can't handle rejection.
Rejection? Whatever!
Of course you think it's weird that I didn't just use the phone,
but you're also glad because it's much better to talk in person.
Especially when I've come with such a specific purpose.
Which is why you're gonna cut me some slack.
You are absolutely crazy.
I've been called worse.
You're gonna kiss me, Halley.
You're gonna come a little closer...
so I can put my arms around you.
And on the count of three...
two...
one.
You're a really good kisser.
You tricked me.
You Jedi mind-tricked me.
Halley, is that you out there?
Close your eyes. Go to bed.
Give me a break. - Who are you talking to?
I'm sorry, I...
Sorry.
I just... I needed to talk.
I was just coming over for a little late-night chat.
We're not gonna stay up very late, okay?
At least do it inside.
'Nausea'?
A little.
'Breast tenderness'?
Yeah. Major.
'Food cravings'?
Grapefruit.
Come on, I could answer 'yes' to most of these questions, too.
I used to hate grapefruit.
What's wrong?
No offense, Halley, but...
your perfume is making me sick.
Come on, I'm not wearing perfume. I use soap.
'Heightened sense of smell. '
Okay, so do you prefer direct pee-on-a-strip
or dip-in-a-cup?
Maybe it's a false reading.
Because I have heard of things such as false readings.
And the strips did not look completely pink,
only kind of pinkish, so...
Five kits, Halley.
What am I gonna do?
So you take the car without my permission
in the middle of the night on some kind of joy ride.
It wasn't a joy ride. - Maybe I should...
Don't think you're off the hook.
You don't even have your license, and you are a terrible driver.
I was helping Scarlett get some books at school... we left them...
Forget it, Halley!
Mom...
taking your car out is gonna seem like the least of it...
because whatever you're thinking right now...
it's worse.
One of you better tell me before I have a nervous breakdown.
I'm pregnant.
Well, thank God you told me in time.
Shouldn't I be getting paid to wear a dress this ugly?
I'm sorry if you hate my taste
and you think it's so awful you have to be in my wedding,
but you are my sister.
It's an emotional time. - All right. I was just joking.
Just because you think up something you think is funny, doesn't mean you say it.
Okay, Ashley, I'm sorry, all right?
It's just... I love the dress, really.
I feel like a princess. You know?
I look awful.
We'll fix it.
It's not the dress that needs fixing.
It's me.
Ashley, would you drive Halley home?
I have to get back to work.
Give me my money back,
you stupid, lying, feckless, two-timing son of a bitch!
Can I help you, ma'am?
It stole my money, so, just...
Here.
This works a little better sometimes.
What's your pleasure? - Diet Coke sounds good.
The last one.
On me.
I hope I didn't, you know, kick it too...
I think these machines are built
to withstand a good booting every now and then.
Steve Beckwith. - Lydia Martin.
Did I say 'Martin'?
It's Lydia Williams now.
Lydia Williams again. - Williams, again?
Nice to meet you.
Thank you.
Aren't you gonna wear lipstick?
You sound like Mom.
Can one of you zip me, please?
You guys know you're wearing the same dress, right?
Unbelievable.
You're grandmother's in there changing.
We practically are.
I'll change. - No, I'll change.
I can change. - No, I shouldn't wear black, anyway.
Halley, could you please wear something a little more feminine?
Because the Warshers are really traditional. Thank you.
Sweetheart, do you need the loo?
Grandma, no. I'm gonna use the one downstairs.
Don't be silly. Come on in.
Okay. - I'm almost through.
It smells like...
Just burning a little incense.
Mother?
Are you smoking the cannabis again?
I had a little headache.
But I'm feeling really much better now.
I knew we'd be late.
We're fine.
His parents are promptness nuts.
I can't believe I'm late.
That's what happens when you make people change ten times.
These leaves would make a wonderful textile.
Halley, look.
I'll bet if we make sheets of this pattern,
we'd make a million dollars!
Mother, please, not now.
She's high.
She's not high, she's medicated.
It's interesting... when you make the 'ow' sound,
your mouth does this funny thing in the corner.
You're not sick anymore.
You were only allowed to use weed when you were sick.
Could you ring the bell? - I do get headaches a lot.
Smile.
Does anyone else hear wind chimes or is it just me?
This is a total disaster.
Shit!
Hello.
Now, I know it's turkey day,
but we thought squab would be most special.
They're absolutely adorable.
Squab. - Can I say I'm a vegetarian?
No.
It reminds me of a little yellow parakeet I had when I was a girl.
Such a sweet, smart little bird.
They look wonderful. - Thank you.
Marcella's such a truly magnificent cook.
We are lucky to have found her.
I bet there's a story in that.
Tell me, how lost were you before you were found?
Because you look like a lady who doesn't get lost very often.
Grandma.
She came with us 20 years ago, when we moved here from Atlanta.
She really raised our Lewis.
I didn't realize you were a working mother.
I wasn't.
She did go through a brokerage training program.
She was good. Killer instinct.
But she set her sights on me, instead.
I'd say I got the best deal at the firm.
He's all right.
He's no Clark Gable... but then very few men are.
What was the name of that character?
Ashley.
No, you're Ashley.
The wedding plans are coming along beautifully.
Well, you holler if you need any help at all, understand?
I want this to be a memorable affair.
Carol does throw one heck of a luncheon.
That is my one regret about not having more children.
Having girls must be such fun.
But we always felt that having an only child
was a much better way to mold and shape character.
Ashley was alone for her first six years.
I like to think she got the best of both worlds.
My best friend is an only child.
She's having a baby,
which at our age is something that obviously wasn't planned.
And her mom is not really thrilled about the whole situation,
but I really think she's kind of starting to get behind it now,
so...
Which way to the bathroom?
Down the hall and to your left.
Isn't it a surprise... our children choosing to get married so young?
I always thought Lewis would take his time to find the right person.
Well, it must be the example of you and Dad.
I mean... you make marriage seem so fun.
And Ashley's a lot like you, Mom.
She's a very determined woman.
Open the door, Halley.
Young lady?
Open the door. Are you all right?
Lovely evening. Thank you.
Thanks for sticking up for me. - What are you talking about?
Your mom obviously doesn't want you to get married.
You made it sound like I'm some desperate woman
somehow forcing you into the whole thing.
I did not.
'Ashley's a very determined woman. '
I didn't say that.
I have witnesses! Mom, you were there.
You did say something along those lines.
Well, that is not how I meant it.
Lewis, you have a lovely family and that is what is important.
They weren't exactly lovely to you.
'Oh, You actually work for a living, you lower class, pathetic divorcée? '
Ashley, enough.
I'm the one who got humped by a dog in there.
Where are we? - You'll see when we get there.
It's too dark to see. - Well, just hold on.
Me and Sherwood found this place a couple years ago.
We used to come here.
You like it?
Yeah.
Yeah, come on. Let's dance.
No. - Yes.
Come on, Macon.
No.
Please? Come on, Macon.
No. - Please.
You look great, but I just...
Michael's parents moved to Florida.
You still have to tell them.
I know.
I just can't figure out what to say that makes any sense.
Which makes sense, given that none of what's happened makes any sense.
You know, it's weird.
Because if you were the one that was pregnant...
I would understand you considering having an abortion
or putting the baby up for adoption.
You can still put the baby up for adoption.
No.
I know all the arguments.
And I know what I'm giving up.
And I know that nothing is gonna be normal for me anymore.
But what is normal, anyway?
Growing up with my mom sure wasn't.
Losing Michael wasn't.
I used to think that my family was the picture-perfect example of normal.
Us.
Maybe being abnormal is what's normal... right?
Yeah, like you and Macon.
It doesn't make sense...
you falling in love with a guy like him.
I'm not falling in love with him, I like kissing him.
We're just friends.
With benefits.
Shut up.
Bye, I'm leaving. - You've got it bad.
I hope this isn't a bad time.
I know this is awfully forward of me, but...
I can't stop thinking about you.
You're out of uniform.
That. I forgot I was wearing that. Didn't I explain?
I'm a Civil War reenactor... a little hobby.
I like thinking about a time when honor and chivalry really meant something.
I know I've been slow to take action.
Slows good.
Would dinner tonight be too fast?
Yes.
I mean, no. I mean, I'd love to.
Cheers.
Friends?
Friends.
Steve, I had a lovely time.
Good night.
I was just... - You were just leaving.
Exactly.
This is how you conduct yourself in your own home?
You said it... my own home.
That implies I have a right to choose what I do.
Halley Marie Martin, conduct unbecoming.
No!
You never told me you were serious about this boy.
I'm not serious.
That's what you do with people you're not serious about?
You know what?
Maybe if you had a little bit more fun,
you wouldn't be in the position you're in right now.
Where is all this attitude coming from?
This is not like you.
Like me? You don't even know me.
Maybe you're just not very good at knowing people.
How well do you know that strange boy?
Mom, He's not strange, okay? His name is Macon.
And maybe if you paid attention to anyone...
God forbid... besides yourself and Ashley and her stupid wedding,
you would know that.
I'm trying.
Halley, you used to talk to me.
Yeah, and you were too busy hating Dad to listen.
I'm sorry you've had to go through this.
I hate Dad...
so much for doing this to us.
I hate him, I hate him.
And then I don't hate him, and I feel bad for hating him...
Sweetie, I don't want you to hate your father.
He's a decent man.
I don't want you to hate me either,
but I am going to have to start laying down some rules around here.
Here we go.
Halley, you're grounded until next year.
No.
You promised me that I could go
to the New Year's Eve party with Macon... Mom, please!
No. No buts, no New Year's Eve, no Macon.
God!
'Dear Mr. And Mrs. Sherwood...
Guess what? You're gonna be grandparents'...
Exclamation point.
Why don't you try telling Michael's parents what you really feel?
Macon Land.
Happy New Year.
Hey, Macon, the man.
Hi.
The party's just arrived. - The party has... I'm here.
Yeah. - Okay. Hold still.
Sorry.
Now, you are pretty.
Come on, you can smile better than that.
What? She doesn't know how to smile?
Maybe she doesn't want to.
Well, excuse me for breathing.
Yeah, you're breathing too close.
Sorry about this. - It's okay.
Happy New Year. - Happy New Year.
Here's to the new year, right?
Yeah, right. To the... to the new year.
Okay, knock-knock. Police raid.
Hey, Macon, my man... what's up?
What's up with you?
I lost my damn earring.
Hey, Macon.
Hi, Halley.
Hi.
Thanks.
Nice name.
Who wants to see my ferret?
Dude, I have one. Come on, dude.
I put a little hat on him and everything. It's awesome.
So, when's Scarlett due, anyway?
You know?
Yeah, my mom's a bookkeeper in her doctor's office,
but... don't worry. I haven't told anyone.
Third week of May.
God, that is so freaky.
You know, it's weird, but...
I didn't even know they had hooked up.
Really? They went out all summer.
Did they?
Yeah, and he was completely in love with her.
She's ruining her life, you know.
I think I'd kill myself before I had a baby.
I know enough to know I wouldn't be able to handle it.
You're probably right, because you're not Scarlett.
Right.
Thank God for that.
What's wrong?
I'm sorry.
Halley, where are you going?
Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four,
three, two, one.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
What was that all about?
I thought you wanted us to be together.
I do... but, 'together'?
It's so official and so big for us.
Maybe you should just say what you feel for once.
I could do that.
I can.
I felt like I had to get out of there because I might...
really...
care about you, and...
and it scared me so much because that meant that...
you could hurt me.
Or maybe I just didn't feel ready.
To like someone... that much.
And I like you.
Don't make it so complicated, Halley.
Some people fall in love.
I had to crash into it.
Hey, Baby.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
You gave us quite a scare.
God.
And I ruined your party, too.
I'm not concerned with the party.
Your date with Steve. I know that was so important to you.
Halley, I know you were with Macon Forrester.
Mom, it was not his fault, though.
We were trying to leave this really bad party.
He was letting me drive... you know I'm like the worst driver,
and I could not even see...
Halley, save your strength. You're gonna need it to come up with better excuses.
Macon wasn't there when I woke up.
Macon wasn't there when I left.
Macon wasn't there the whole next week at school.
What do you expect when you break your own rules?
Any word from him?
No.
I guess that's what guys are good at, right?
Disappearing?
Hey. I'm back.
You really don't get it, do you?
I'm really not in the mood to wait for you to grow up.
My... are you okay?
Hi, Halley.
I think I just dropped my keys.
No, they're in the door. Come on.
Stop spinning! Stop spinning.
I'm not spinning!
Quiet!
Maybe you should be quiet.
That's what you should do.
Upstairs.
Halley, you're such a good sister.
You think I'm doing those? I am not doing those.
Be careful.
Christ, Halley. It's all right.
This is my bachelorette party.
I am a bachelorette.
Thank you, little sister.
You are the greatest.
Okay, Ashley, please just take this.
Jesus. What...
You just...
Please. Come on. Mom is upstairs sleeping.
Mom's not home.
Really? And how would you know that?
Friday night she sneaks out to have sex with Steve.
She told you that?
She didn't want you to know.
God, why do people think that I can't handle the truth?
Go on, you hatchet-faced scarecrow!
You baboon!
You bag of bones! - You old weasel face!
Sourpuss! - Sorry old flabby nincompoop!
Top of the morning to you.
How is she?
Sweetie.
A hangover kit.
Not to appear superior, but I did limit myself
to one glass of champagne, thank you very much.
If it wasn't for Halley, I would've died, probably.
No, you just would've woken up on the porch.
Bet the neighbors would've loved that.
Right, especially with the men's underwear around her neck.
Underwear?
It was nothing. It was stupid.
Underwear is not nothing.
No, they were pretty much nothing.
We promised each other no strippers.
I know, Lewis, I know, but I was at the mercy of my friends.
Don't promises we make to each other mean anything?
Of course they mean something, Lewis.
God, don't be so uptight!
I'm uptight? I'm not uptight!
Yes, Lewis, you are. You are uptight.
You know what else? Halley was right about you.
You have got a broomstick up your butt.
I never said that!
Okay, well, guess who put it there?
Don't talk to me that way. Maybe I'll find somebody fun!
To tell the truth, you're no fun!
We made a promise to each other,
but you don't keep it because you're self-absorbed.
Don't talk to me that way.
Hello. Good morning, Halley.
What's going on? - I think they're breaking up.
Relax. You're no fun.
Marriage is a promise, and a promise has to be kept.
Not every argument leads to a breakup.
For real!
The wedding is off.
I've been trying to say I'm sorry. - I'm sorry doesn't always cut it, Macon!
I couldn't stay with you at the hospital.
I know I should have, but think how much more freaked out
your mom would've got if she'd have seen me.
My God.
Okay. Wow, thank you so much.
So, you were ditching me for my own benefit.
No, that's not it.
I didn't ditch you.
L...
Okay, I...
I freaked out.
I'm not used to feeling this way about somebody.
And I just...
I couldn't believe I almost lost you, too.
Here. Come on, I'll help you eat them.
No. I don't want any.
I can't see you anymore.
Your mom will get over it.
It's not my mom. It's me.
And, of course, if you do decide to get married,
I can get my makeup and hair people to do you on the big day.
If you decide not to get married,
I think you should let them do some work on you anyway,
because you are gonna want to look your best
when you get back out there.
Darling, there is nothing wrong with canceling a wedding.
No, it's indefinitely postponed.
That's what we're supposed to say officially.
My mom found out.
Actually, I haven't really made up my mind yet, so if everybody could just...
Honey.
Give me a hug.
Sweetie, you never know what's gonna happen. Okay?
For a while there, I thought I'd never get married.
Finally, I had to put my foot down
or my guy here would never have left...
I'll get that.
Hello?
Honey, it's their mother calling from Virginia.
It seems your grandmother had a bad fall.
Your mother wants you to meet her there.
Do you think she's okay in there?
It has been a while.
Grandma, are you all right?
Yes, I'm just smoking a little marijuana.
Look at that pattern.
Is it just me, or is that the spittin' image of Abraham Lincoln?
Look, Halley, look. There's the mole.
Halley, you must see it!
You're the one who sees things no one else can see.
I do? - Yes.
Mother, you're not supposed to be walking yet.
Next time you fall like that, you're going to break your hip, then die.
You remember when we went to see our comet together?
Halley was too young to remember that.
No, I do remember.
You can't possibly. You remember hearing about it.
No, mom, I do remember.
Why does no one trust me to know what I know anymore?
God.
God!
She doesn't even think that my own memories belong to me.
Darling, she's your mother.
Now, tell me about this fella of yours.
Who told you about that?
Grandma, it's really over.
First loves are never really over.
Nobody's perfect, Sweetheart.
But that doesn't mean it wasn't worth your while.
Boy! Do I have the munchies!
What about him? - He's not terrible looking.
Yeah, he's even cute in that geeky way that you like guys, Ashley.
Halley, it's...
It's Lewis.
Ashley, love of my life...
life of my heart...
once again... will you marry me?
Yes.
Yes. How crazy.
I can't believe it.
Do it.
I owe you one.
For?
Macon's a really great guy.
See ya, Halley.
Hey. - Hi.
I had no idea that you guys were like...
hanging out.
Elizabeth Gunderson and me?
No, we're just...
Friends? - Yeah.
Right.
No, it's fine because we had our thing,
and it was fun... until it wasn't anymore, right?
No, that's not it.
When the going gets tough, it's best to just keep going, don't you think?
Would you listen to me for a sec?
And to my bride.
Thank you for showing me that socks don't need to be ironed...
that one needn't employ the Dewey decimal system
for their CD collection...
and that, in the end, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference
whether you start the toilet paper facing up or down.
Despite what my parents taught me.
Because, Ashley, you have shown me that life is worth embracing.
Even if it means making a giant fool of yourself.
And lucky for me,
you're willing to marry the guy who's been the biggest fool of all.
So here's to a lifetime
of big, messy, wonderfully out-of-order moments
with the most beautiful woman in the world...
my bride.
Your big sister is getting married in 31/2 hours.
You know if you get nervous, you can always...
You remember the sign.
Of course. You taught it to me, remember?
So, you know. Just...
Like that.
I'll do something. I'll yell, 'fire, ' okay?
Okay. - Okay.
And we're back with the big dog of soft rock,
WDYG, 94 FM. 'We dig the dog. '
This is Daddy Dog himself, Len Martin,
coming to you today on a very special day,
'cause one of my very own puppies... the eldest...
Ashley, is getting married.
Lorna, Honey, any words of wisdom
coming from you, my very own newlywed?
Waterproof mascara.
I'm gonna borrow yours, 'cause Daddy's gonna be weeping like a baby.
All right, let's kick off this Power Hour Of Love.
Are you there? - Security?
Hey, give me... come on. This is my job!
My Halley?
I don't know how to get you to listen, but maybe...
Let him talk. - Just hear me out.
I suck with words.
But sometimes, words aren't the thing.
Love isn't about words, it's about what you do.
And what I did...
running away, it was stupid.
We both know love's a big, scary, evil concept.
But if you feel it, it's gonna follow you around like a hungry dog
no matter how far you run.
Wait. I didn't mean to say love's a dog.
I just mean, I'm not going anywhere.
I love you, Halley.
If love beats us up, let's beat it up right back.
We could do this.
If you're ready to make the jump, I'll be right here to catch you.
And what a powerful Power Hour Of Love it has been.
This is Len Martin for WDYG, the Big Dog of soft rock.
That's right. Romance is in the air.
It's everywhere here today, folks.
This next song is going out to that young lady in question...
Miss Halley Martin and her big sister Ashley,
'cause Daddy loves you.
You look beautiful.
You look beautiful, Mom.
I'm not too old to wear pink?
No.
I look like a giant helium balloon.
Come on. We have to go.
I'm gonna walk over.
I'll meet you there.
Let's get Halley!
Back seat. I need to lie down.
Please be seated.
We have come together today to join in Holy Matrimony
Ashley Renee Martin and Lewis Gibson Warsher II.
If any among you know any reason
why this couple may not lawfully be married,
declare it now or forever hold your peace.
Do you, Lewis, promise to love, honor, and cherish Ashley
from this day forward, for richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
forsaking all others as long as you both shall live?
I do.
And do you, Ashley, promise to love, honor, and cherish Lewis
for richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
forsaking all others as long as you both shall live?
I do.
The rings?
Dear friends, let us ask God to bless these rings
as a symbol of their love everlasting.
No. No, the other finger. That's right.
Ashley, Lewis... - She's having the baby.
It is now my delight... - Please be quiet.
And honor to declare you husband and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
She's having the baby. Now.
Right now?
Scarlett's having the baby. I have to go.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Scarlett's having the baby.
Breathe.
Wait, wait, wait! No.
Shit!
For heaven's sake.
It's okay.
You're gonna have the baby!
Thank you so much. Thanks.
You have got to do something. That was just a dreadful scene.
Now the seating arrangement's gonna be a disaster.
One empty seat throws everything off.
Mother, stop it. Okay?
It doesn't get any better than this.
Squeeze my hand. It's okay. We're gonna get there.
I assume Daddy would like to be in the delivery room?
Me? No, no. L...
Baby! - Mommy!
Hi, Sweetie. - I need you.
I'm her mother.
Miss Smith? - It's okay. Thank you.
Don't leave me.
So, do you hate me?
Not you, per se.
I hate the way your hair falls in your face.
And I hate the way your voice gets really low when you're serious.
And I hate the way you bite your bottom lip when you're nervous.
And the way your eyebrow goes... like that.
I hate that.
So, that's it?
You just hate the way I walk and talk and look?
No.
That Jedi mind trick thing?
I hate that.
Don't give up on me.
I'm not.
But you are gonna regret ever having messed up.
'Cause I'm gonna make you pay for a long time.
But first...
You're going to take three steps towards me.
And you're going to wrap your arms around my waist.
And on the count of three...
two...
We're gonna dance.