***新视界字幕翻译小组制作*** 制作人：7star&flyfrog 翻译/校对
-------------------------- 本字幕所有权益归制作人所有 纯属翻译爱好者交流学习使用 谢绝它用，否则一切后果自负 --------------------------
嘿，我能再来一杯么？ Hey, can I get another drink down here?
我进过监狱 WILLIE: I've been to prison once.
我结过两次婚 I've been married twice.
我曾经被林登·约翰逊总统无端的驱逐出境 I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live
在墨西哥那个鬼地方呆了两年半 in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason.
我的眼眶被打扁过，一个肾被摘掉 I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out,
我脚踝上有个永远治不好的骨裂 and I got a bone chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal.
我这辈子遇到过很糟的处境 I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life.
但是从来没有过这么糟 But nothing has ever sucked more ass than this.
如果我早知道一年要有30天容忍这些 If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats
尖叫的孩子在我膝盖上撒尿 pissing on my lap for 30 days out of the year,
我恐怕早就自杀了 I would have killed myself a long time ago.
我还能想到这个 Come to think of it, I still might.
我从哪儿来，我们不庆祝圣诞 Where I come from, we didn't celebrate Christmas.
不是因为我们是犹太人，而是因为我爸爸 Not because we were Jewish, but because my dad
是个卑微而胆小的混蛋，他觉得礼物 was a worthless-coward fucking asshole whose idea of a present
就是每天照你的后脑上来一拳 was a daily punch to the back of the head.
不过他确实教给我怎样毁掉安全 He did teach me how to crack a safe, though.
我爸爸从来不能改变他的生活，于是就拿我出气 My dad never did shit with his life, so he took it out on me.
你可能会说我没什么不同，我得承认你是对的 You could say I'm no different. I'd have to say you were right.
不过就这事儿来说，现在开始太晚了 But at this point, it's too late to start over.
事情的发展真可笑 Funny how things work out.
真TMD可笑 It's fucking hilarious.
[ Vomits, coughs ]
那边是圣诞老人 看那边 There's Santa Claus. Look there.
噢 Wow.
喔，天那 这照片太可爱了 Oh, my. What a darling photo.
你确定就想要一张么？ Are you certain you only want the single?
可以多来几张将来当礼物送给爷爷奶奶 Additional photos come in handy as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa
或是送给朋友们留做纪念 or as a wonderful remembrance for friends.
哦，知道么 Gee. You know what?
这个，我觉得这个就足够了 This one, I think it's more than enough.
谢谢 圣诞快乐 Thanks. Merry Christmas.
小姑娘，你想要点什么？ So, what do you want, little girl?
一套鼓 A drum set.
哦，老头子会喜欢那个的 Oh, the old man will love that.
好吧，回见 Okay. Fine. See you later.
我在另一个商场见过你 I saw you at another mall.
唔，我真替你高兴 Well, I'm very happy for you.
你不是真的圣诞老人 You're not really Santa.
你要是圣诞老人的话，你就会用魔法 If you were Santa, you could do magic.
你想看看魔法么？ You want to see some magic?
看着，赶紧给我消失 Here. Let's watch you disappear.
小心点我肚子，孩子 圣诞老人要尿尿了 Watch the bladder, kid. Santa's got to pee.
-你想要什么？ -一辆新自行车 -What do you want? -A new bike.
噢，是个新的 太棒了 Wow. That's a new one. Excellent.
顾客们请注意 MAN: Attention, shoppers.
商场将在5分钟后打烊 The store will be closing in five minutes.
希望明天是个快乐的圣诞节 We hope tomorrow is a pleasant Christmas.
非常感谢您的光临 Thank you for shopping with us.
-就这样了？ -是啊，那是最后一个 -ls that it? -Yeah, that's the last one.
感谢狗日的上帝 Thank the fuck Christ.
耶稣，圣母玛利亚和约瑟夫 Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph.
你尿在自己身上了 You pissed yourself.
噢，天那 Aw, Jesus.
是啊，行了 Yeah, all right.
是啊 Yeah.
嘿，节日快乐 好的 Hey, happy holidays. All right.
圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas.
节日快乐 Happy holidays.
祝你平安到家 Get home safe.
嗯，好的 Yeah, okay.
我才不管他说什么 I don't care what he says.
-咱们出去喝一杯吧 -这TM怎么回事？？ -We're going out for a beer. -What the fuck?
我马上回来 I'll get right back to you.
你TMD有病么？我要离开这儿 What the hell's wrong with you? I'm trying to fucking leave.
你的裤子怎么鼓鼓囊囊的 Pants are awful baggy.
你把什么东西放里面了？ You got anything in there?
是啊，我的鸡鸡 你想看看么？ Yeah. My dick. You want to see it?
继续搞我啊 Keep pushing me.
我会盯着你的 I got my eyes on you.
一直盯着你 All the time.
准备好了 Ready.
天那 Jesus.
-怎么样了？ -该完的时候就完了 -How's it going? -I'm finished when I'm finished.
我回楼上去 I'm going back upstairs.
我去拿个丝瓜瓤子当百洁布 I need a melon baller and a loofah.
搞定了 Got it.
去TMD丝瓜瓤子，咱们走 Fuck the loofah. Let's go.
马库斯，你拿着丝瓜瓤了么？ Marcus, you get the loofah?
开车 Drive.
噢！ Oh!
# Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock #
# Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time #
喔，我晕了，把我放下 Oh, I'm dizzy. Put me down.
嘿，把我放下 Hey, put me down.
赶紧的！把我放下 Come on! Put me down.
哦，行了 Oh, come on.
哦，伙计 Oh, man.
嘿，宝贝儿，再来两杯，成么？ Hey, baby, two more of these, all right?
不，我差不多了 No. That's it for me.
你酒量太次了，你知道么？ You can't drink worth a shit, you know that?
我才92磅重，你个鸟人 I weigh 92 pounds, you dick.
得了吧，再来一杯，庆祝一下 Come on. One more. It's a celebration.
为了你 Here's to you.
# To have the blues #
# My baby's gone #
你越来越差劲了，知道么？ You're getting worse, you know that?
唔，至少我打开了保险箱 Well, at least I got it open.
你花的时间太长了 It took you long enough.
我记得你以前开锁压根不费什么劲 I remember when you could unlock a lock like it was nothing.
嗯，好吧，你不用再替我担心了 Yeah, well, you don't have to worry about me anymore.
我不干了 I'm out.
靠 Bullshit.
靠的叻 Bullshit, my ass.
我们这一晚上弄了111000美元 We just made $1 1 1,000 in one night.
没错，我估计我的钱够去迈阿密了 Exactly. I figure I got enough to go to Miami.
去干嘛去？ And do what?
我TM哪儿知道，买辆车 I don't know. Shit. Get a car.
也可能买个房子 Get a place, maybe.
可能弄个小买卖，在海滩上开个酒吧 Maybe start a business. A bar out on the beach.
或者类似的东西 Something like that.
我可以戒酒然后打理生意 I could quit drinking and run the place.
可能找个女招待结婚 Maybe marry a waitress.
怎么了？ What?
到了那儿你什么P事儿也干不成 You ain't gonna do shit except go down there
去了也就是成天喝酒 and drink your fucking ass off.
你会把事情都弄砸了 You're gonna piss everything away
最后也就是数着日子等明年的圣诞节 and end up counting the days till next Christmas.
你喜欢那样，是么？ You'd like that, wouldn't you?
哦，不会那样的 Well, it ain't gonna happen.
如果我明年12月份打电话给你—— If I call you next December --
如果我明年12月份打电话给你—— if I call you next December --
你肯定巴不得听见我的消息 you're gonna be so happy to hear from me
乐得手舞足蹈 you're gonna do a goddamn backflip.
你肯定利马把那个 You're gonna put that Santa hat on so fast
圣诞老人的帽子戴上 that you're gonna get fucking hat-burn.
要我再给你俩来两杯么？ Can I get you guys two more?
不，谢了，不用了 No, thanks. We're all right.
看见了？ See?
我准备好了 I'm already on the wagon.
嘿，混蛋！ Hey. Asshole!
我跟你说了多少次了？ How many times I got to tell you?
从我的酒吧里滚出去！ Get out from behind my bar!
马上把酒放下 Put the drink down right now.
马上把酒放下！ Put the drink down right now!
呃，靠 Ahh. Fuck you.
-靠我？嗯？ -没错 -Fuck me, huh? -Right.
噢，嘿！ WOMAN: Oh. Hey!
哇！ Ow!
从TM我的酒吧里滚出去！ Get the fuck out of my bar.
靠！ Fuck you!
你TMD疯了 You're fucking crazy.
操死你 Fucking prick.
混蛋！ Asshole!
马上从我这儿滚蛋！ Get the fuck out of here right now!
[ Snoring ]
[ Alarm buzzing ]
# Have a holly jolly Christmas #
# And in case you didn't hear #
# Oh, by golly, have a holly jolly -- #
靠TMD！ Fucking shit!
靠！ Fuck you!
[ Car alarm deactivates ]
[ Keys jingle, drop ]
对，宝贝儿 Yeah, baby.
嘿，蒂芬尼，你想玩玩“把纳粹藏起来”么？ Hey, Tiffany, you want to play "Hide the Nazi" one day?
[ Chuckles ]
TMD God damn it.
给你的，宝贝儿 Here you go, sweetie.
我给你的屁股蛋儿准备了点东西 I got something for your pretty ass.
-真的？ -当然 -You do? -Yeah.
哇，5美金 Wow. $5.
谢谢 Thanks.
我去听电话留言，你去洗个澡 I gotta listen to my messages, and you need to take a shower.
我是跳舞的，出了好多汗 I'm a dancer. I sweat.
没错，你闻上去就象个泔水桶 Yeah, well, you smell like a bum's nut sac.
靠 Fuck you.
第一条留言 [ Beep ] Message one.
Soke先生？ MAN: Mr. Soke?
还是我，Andrew Kaplan， 代收款公司的 This is Andrew Kaplan again, from the collection agency.
第二条留言 [ Beep ] Message two.
我是Dolores Axelrod WOMAN: This is Dolores Axelrod.
上个礼拜你撞了我的车 You ran into my car last week.
我给政府农场打了电话 I called State Farm,
可他们没有任何你的保险记录 but they have no record of any insurance policy for you.
如果你放在了别的地方，我的电话是4—— In case you misplaced it, my phone number is 4 --
第三条留言 [ Beep ] Message three.
威利，我是 马库斯，又到每年的这个时候了 Willie, it's Marcus. It's that time of year again.
收拾东西，来菲尼克斯 Pack your shit. Phoenix.
# Oh, the weather outside is frightful #
# But the fire is so delightful #
# And since we've no place to go #
# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow #
# Man, it doesn't show signs of stopping #
# And I brought me some corn for popping #
# The lights are turned way down low #
# Let it snow, let it snow #
[ Car alarm blaring ]
天那！ Jesus Christ!
你就不能老实呆会儿么？ Can you maybe keep it together for just 1 0 minutes?
哈里森，请让我解释一下，从财务上说—— Harrison, just let me explain, please. Financially --
嗯，你花的钱值了，彻匹斯卡 Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska.
我在这儿干了5个圣诞节了 Five Christmases I've been here.
就为了少花点钱雇个人，还有一个侏儒 You flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts
你就把我炒了 and who happens to work with a real midget.
没人在乎，没人会因为侏儒来这儿 Nobody cares. Nobody comes here for the elf.
圣诞老人才吸引人 Santa's the attraction.
我在这现场唱歌 I do Burl lves songs.
这家伙会弹吉他么？ Does this schmo even play guitar?
呃，哈里森，不是因为钱或者侏儒 Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget.
相信我，如果是的话，我—— Believe me, if it was, I --
我并不觉得他们喜欢“侏儒” I don't think they like "midget."
我觉得你应该管他们叫... I think you're supposed to call them...
哦，算了吧 Oh, just forget it.
混球！ Hacks!
嗨 Hi.
鲍勃 彻匹斯卡. 欢迎 Bob Chipeska. Welcome.
你们的照片和简历很不错 Great photo and resume, by the way.
谢谢 Thanks.
我们期待已久了 We've been at this a long time and all.
我想我们会好好干的 We'd like to think we do a good job.
我很高兴你们能这么快就来了 I'm so glad you guys could come in on such short notice.
我得说你们的模样看上去真不错 [ Voices fading ] I must say, your look is just sensational.
谢谢 MARCUS: Thanks.
我们搭档好多年了，你没必要担心 We've been at this for years. You got nothing to worry about.
说老实话，你俩真是最合适的人选 You two are the best men for this job, truly.
所以别让他的不快影响你们的表演 So don't let his unpleasantness affect your performance.
- 噢，不，我们没事 - 表演？ -Oh, no. We're fine. -Performance?
是啊，哦，你们的表演，就是，哦... Yes. Uh, your performance. You know, the, um...
色情表演？ Performance, like sexual?
- 什么？ - 威利. -Excuse me? -Willie.
你是说我的枪有问题么？ Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear?
你是这么说的么？ Is that what you're saying?
- 抱歉，你的枪？ - 威利. -I'm sorry. Your gear? -Willie.
我干事儿的家伙 My fuck stick.
嘿， 威利，歇会儿 Hey, Willie. Take a seat.
你知道你的血糖 You know how your blood sugar is.
他不会在孩子们面前说“干事儿的家伙”吧？ He's not going to say "fuck stick" in front of the children?
不会不会，那是个笑话 No, no, no. It's a joke.
是我们成人之间的成人笑话 An adult joke for us adults.
是个笑话，只是个笑话 It's a joke. Just a joke.
“干事儿的家伙”？ "Fuck stick"?
没错，我也觉得感觉怪怪的 Yes. I thought it was very strange, too.
作为我们的保安主管 So, as our security chief,
我要你多加留意 I wanted you to be aware.
不过他那个小个头的朋友保证 But his little friend promised he wouldn't say it
他不会在孩子们面前说那个 in front of the children, which is fine.
那样的话还凑合，你知道， Because, you know, there is an adult world
成人的世界和孩子的世界是不同的，就那样 and a child's world, and that's okay.
我没什么意见 I'm no censor.
“小个头的朋友”？ "Little friend"?
没错，他正好是个侏儒 Yes, he happens to be a dwarf.
或者是个矮子 Or midget.
我不知道该怎么正确的称呼他 I don't know what he's called exactly.
不过，呃，他是个小家伙 But, uh, he's a little guy.
小个子已故的比利·巴提（美国著名矮人演员） Little Billy Barty. God rest.
不过手指很细 But thin fingers.
不是那种肥嘟嘟的手指 Not the fat sausage fingers.
他们就是喜欢“小人儿” "Little people." That's what they like.
对，呃，没错 小人儿 Yes. Uh, right. Little people.
嗯，“办事儿的家伙”，就是那个？ So "fuck stick." That's it?
没错 Yeah. [ Clears throat ]
圣诞快乐！圣诞老人来啦！耶～ Merry Christmas! Santa's coming. Yay!
圣诞快乐！ Merry Christmas!
你看见那个他们刚雇来的圣诞老人了么？ Have you seen that new Santa they just hired?
当然，他在后面喝多了 Yeah. He's back there drunk.
孩子们，他来了，圣诞老人马上就来 He's coming, guys. Santa will be here real soon.
[ Snoring ]
TMD！ God damn it!
你TMD在干吗啊？你搞砸了我们就完了 What the fuck you doing? You blow this, and we're broke.
别弄的好像你什么都知道 So stop acting like you know something.
哥们，因为你总不安分！ 'Cause, pal of mine, you don't know squat!
现在戴上你的帽子出去 Now, put on your hat and get out there.
看在上帝份上，尽量表现的专业点 And try to act professional, for Christ's sakes.
你想要什么？ WlLLlE: What do you want?
什么？ What?
去一边去 Get out of here.
下一个 Next.
哦，很好，你想要什么？ Oh, good. What do you want?
你想要什么？你在干什么？ What do you want? What are you doing?
[ Sneezes ]
TMD！ God damn it!
任天堂的游戏《猎鹿人3》 Nintendo Deer Hunter 3.
我TM才不给你 I don't give a shit what you want.
冲人身上打喷嚏还乱搞 Blowing snot all over everybody and fucking whatever.
下一个，来吧 Next. Come on.
你想要什么？ What do you want?
-唔，圣诞老人？ -没错，我是圣诞老人 -Um, Santa? -Yeah, I'm Santa.
得了，你要什么？ Come on. What do you want?
-嗯，芭比娃娃 -笑笑 -Um, Barbie. -Say cheese.
好吧，芭比娃娃 Okay. Fine. Barbie.
噢，谢谢你 Oh, thank you.
啊，瞧着我的脚，这死孩子！ Ow! Watch the toenails, kid! Shit.
下一个 Next.
下一个！ Next!
你想要什么？ What do you want?
棒棒车 Fraggle-Stick car.
那TMD是什么东西？ What the fuck is that?
棒棒车 Fraggle-Stick car.
好吧，我听见了 棒棒车，好吧 Well, I heard you. Fraggle-Stick car. Fine.
嘿，看看这个衰人 Hey, check out this loser.
嘿，肥崽，你今儿怎么样？ Hey, fat-ass. How you doing today?
嘿，衰人 Hey, loser.
嘿，SB Hey, dipshit.
白痴 Moron.
嘿，衰人，你今儿怎么样？ Hey, loser. How you doing today?
死哑巴，你怎么不回头？ Dumb-ass, why don't you turn around?
知道么？真操蛋 You know what? Fuck this.
你是下一个 You're next.
下一个 WlLLlE: Next.
我TM说了下一个，这儿不是交通队，好么？ I said next, God damn it. This is not the DMV, all right?
跟着走 Move it along.
你叫什么？可以告诉我 What's your name? You can tell me.
我知道，圣诞老人怎么样？ I know. How about Santa?
如果你不告诉他，你就得不到礼物 If you don't tell him, you won't get a present.
这就对了 That's right.
来告诉圣诞老人吧 Come on and tell Santa all about it.
你想要什么？ What do you want?
哦，来吧，你想要什么？ Well, come on. What do you want?
一条手绢？ A snot-rag?
很好，又TMD是个呆子 Great. Another fucking Mongoloid.
马库斯，趁这孩子还没尿在我身上，把他弄走 Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me.
别TM动我的胡子 Don't fuck with my beard.
不是真胡子 It's not real.
不是，废话 No shit.
嗯，原来是真的 Well, it was real.
不过，唔，我得病了，胡子都掉了 But, you see, I got sick and all the hair fell out.
你怎么得病的？ How did you get sick?
我爱上一个不干净的女人 I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
圣诞老婆婆？ Mrs. Santa?
不是，是她妹妹 No. It was her sister.
北极那里是什么样儿？ What's it like at the North Pole?
跟郊区差不多 Like the suburbs.
哪个郊区？ Which one?
Apache Junction. Apache Junction.
你TM到底想知道什么？从我腿上下去 What the fuck do you care? Now, get off my lap.
你坐在这儿就象个2B You sit there like a fucking retard.
你是真的圣诞老人，是么？ You are really Santa, right?
不，我是个会计 No. I'm an accountant.
我发誓我就是出来秀秀这身衣裳，成么？ I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement, all right?
好吧 Okay.
把这孩子弄走，他把我搞晕了 Get this kid out of here. He's freaking me out.
我得去喝点，明儿见 I got to get a drink on. I'll see you tomorrow.
只要别再酒气熏天的回来上班就好 Just don't come into work stinking of booze again.
好吧，你怎么还不走？ Yeah. Why don't you get going?
你那个糖果酒吧协会的“杯中王”该迟到了 You'll be late for your "Wizard of Oz" Candy Bar Guild.
棒棒糖协会，你个土鳖，天那 Lollipop Guild, you asshole. Jesus!
两岁的孩子都TM比你强 Two-year-olds flip me shit better than you.
你要跟我说点什么么？ You saying something to me?
没错，我要让你屁股开花 Yeah. I'm gonna stick my whole fist up your ass.
# Jingle bells, jingle bells #
# Jingle all the way #
# Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh #
# Jingle bells, jingle bells #
# Jingle all the way #
# Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh #
# Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh #
# O'er the fields we go, laughing all the way #
# Bells on bobtail ring, making spirits bright #
怎么了？ What?
# What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight #
# Jingle bells, jingle bells #
唔 Mmm.
再来一杯么，圣诞老爷爷？ Another Grand-Dad, Santa?
当然 Yeah.
当然？ Yeah? [ Chuckles ]
# Jingle bells, jingle bells #
# Jingle all the way #
# Oh, what fun it is to ride #
你有名字么？ Got a name?
当然 Yeah.
唔，你在节日之外... So, what do you do, you know...
都干什么呢？ After the holidays, I mean.
呃，什么也不干，直到三月份，我再去扮复活节兔子 Well, nothing till March, and then I'm the Easter Bunny.
哦，再来一杯？ Oh. Another?
是，干吗不呢？ Yeah. Why not?
圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas.
你话不多 Not a big talker.
不，不多 No, not really.
-请你喝一杯？ -干吗不？ -Buy you one? -Why not?
新年快乐 Happy New Year.
你这个圣诞老人太循规蹈矩了 You're pretty regular for a Santa.
那没TM什么大不了的 It's not that big a fucking deal.
只是个工作，你明白我意思么？ It's just a job, you know what I mean?
我得靠演圣诞老人来吃喝拉撒外加泡妞 I'm an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santy Claus.
证明给我看 Prove it.
用力，圣诞老人 用力，圣诞老人 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa.
用力，圣诞老人... 用力，圣诞老人... Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa.
用力，圣诞老人 用力，圣诞老人！ Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa!
至少让我把这个帽子摘了成么？ Can't I at least take this hat off?
不，我喜欢那个帽子 [ Laughing ] No. I love the hat.
好吧 [ Moans ] Okay.
啊！ Whoo! [ Breathing heavily ]
我一直给圣诞老人留着一件东西 I've always had a thing for Santa Claus.
如果你没发现的话 In case you didn't notice.
就像孩童时代埋在心里的东西 It's like some deep-seated childhood thing.
就像咪咪和我那东西 So is my thing for tits.
没错，就是那样 Yeah. It is like that, though.
从你的童年开始 From when you're a kid.
因为我爸爸是犹太人，我们不过圣诞节 'Cause my dad was Jewish, and we didn't have Christmas.
就像这种不许做的事 So it was like this forbidden thing.
[ Laughs, clears throat ]
那... So...
我喜欢你 I like you.
别把那件衣服压了箱子底儿 Don't mothball that suit.
TMD怎么回事？ What the fuck?
我不是同性恋 I am not gay.
-怎么回事哥们？ -哥们？ -What the hell, buddy? -Buddy?
我说了我不是同性恋 I said I am not gay.
你TMD是忘了吃药了还是怎么了？ Are you off your fucking meds or something?
没错 Yes.
可那跟这没什么关系 But that isn't what this is about.
你就是个不折不扣的同性恋 You're as queer as a $10 bill.
让我来告诉你这屎人 Let me tell you something, motherfucker.
我兄弟在越南跟你们这帮混蛋打仗时丢了一条胳膊 My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam.
我想你最后再TM看我的脸一眼 So I want you to look at my face one last fucking time.
看最后一眼，我要—— This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I --
搞矮人的玻璃！ Elf fucker!
-屎人！ -转过来，玻璃 -Motherfucker! -Turn around, elf fucker.
现在谁是婊子，圣诞老人？嗯？ Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Huh?
圣诞玻璃！ 玻璃！ Faggy Claus! Faggy!
放开圣诞老人！ Leave Santa alone!
小孩，别掺和，我在为民除害 Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us.
放开圣诞老人！ Leave Santa alone!
[ Grunts ]
跳梁小丑 Ass clown.
嘿，你是那个孩子 Hey, you're that kid.
你TMD在这儿干吗？ What the fuck are you doing here?
我TMD这次送你回家，可没下回了 This one fucking time I take you home, okay?
喔 Uh-huh.
我TM可不是你爹 I'm not your fucking dada.
喔 Uh-huh.
不是因为你帮了我的忙或者什么的 It's not like you helped me with that nutjob or anything.
-喔 -你的个儿正合适 -Uh-huh. -You're the right height.
你正好在那儿抓住了那厮的蛋蛋 You're right there to grab his balls.
-你能捏扁了它 -你为什么需要辆车？ -You could twist them. -Why do you need a car?
-什么？ -这辆车 -What? -This car.
往哪边拐？ Which turn is it?
圣塔瑞斯. 你的雪橇在哪儿？ Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh?
在修理店，在修呢 It's in the shop, getting repaired.
-驯鹿在哪儿？ -我把它们放圈里了 -Where are the reindeer? -I stabled them.
往左还是往右？ Is it left or right?
那边 That way.
鹿圈在哪儿？ Where's the stable?
-在修理店旁边 -它们怎么睡觉？ -Next to the shop. -How do they sleep?
谁？驯鹿？它们站着睡 Who? The reindeer? Standing up.
可是那么嘈杂，它们怎么睡？ But the noise. How do they sleep?
-什么嘈杂？ -修理店的噪音 -What noise? -From the shop.
他们就在白天干活，成了吧？ They only work during the day, all right?
我以为北极总是晚上呢 I thought it was always night at the North Pole.
嗯，现在不是，现在那边总是白天 Well, not now. Right now it's always day.
那它们可怎么睡觉？ Then how do they sleep?
-噢，MD， 圣塔瑞斯. -Oh, shit. Sage Terrace. -[ Tires squealing ]
你怎么了？有人把你扔在你脑袋上了？（指脑子有毛病） What is it with you? Somebody drop you on your fucking head?
我脑袋上？ On my head?
他们准备把你扔在别人脑袋上？ Are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?
他们怎么能把我扔在我自己脑袋上？ How can they drop me onto my own head?
不是，不是扔在你...应该是... No, not onto your... Would...
TMD！你在耍我么？ God damn it! Are you fucking with me?
好吧，是那个房子？ Okay. Which house is it?
那个 That one.
门口有耶稣一家还是什么东西的那个？ With Jesus and his family there or what?
不是，旁边的那个 No. The one beside that.
-这儿？ -对，那个 -Right here? -Yeah. That one.
好吧 All right.
不错啊 Nice digs.
你爸爸在家么？ Is Daddy home?
他探险去了，去山里考察 He's on an adventure, exploring mountains.
他走了很久了 He's been gone a long time.
去山里考察？嗯？他要去多久？ Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone?
明年才回来 Till next year.
真的？那你妈妈呢？ Yeah? What about Mommy?
她在天堂里和耶稣和圣母玛利亚一起住 She lives in God's house with Jesus and Mary and the ghost
还有长耳朵驴子、约瑟夫和会说话的胡桃 and the long-eared donkey and Joseph and the talking walnut.
哦，那TMD谁来照顾你呢？ Well, who the fuck takes care of you, then?
奶奶 Grandma.
真的？她叫什么？ Yeah? What's her name?
奶奶 Grandma.
奶奶腿脚利索么？ Is Granny spry?
大家！ Everybody!
# D-O-L-E, Dole #
# Banana shuffle #
奶奶？奶奶？ Grandma? Grandma?
圣诞老人来了 Santa's here.
哦，知道了，你回来了 Oh, Roger. You're home.
你腿脚利索么？ Are you spry?
我给你弄点三明治 Let me fix you some sandwiches. [ Chuckles ]
你是说只有她在家？ Are you telling me she's the only one here?
没别人了？ Nobody else?
没有什么阿姨舅舅堂兄弟之类的在？ No aunts or cousins or uncles or anything like that?
也没有管家或者保安什么的？ A butler or security guard or something?
没 Nuh-unh.
别扯淡了 You're shitting me.
你爸爸有保险箱么？ Does your daddy have a safe?
你需要钱修雪橇么？ Need money to fix your sleigh?
太对了 Exactly.
你要点牛奶和饼干么？ You want milk and cookies?
不 No.
我给你弄点三明治怎么样？ Should I fix you some sandwiches?
唔...嗯... Unh-unh.
你爸爸有车么？ Does your daddy have a car?
[ Tires screeching ]
圣诞老人，再见！ Bye, Santa!
# First comes the stocking of little Nell #
# Dear old Santa, fill it well #
[ Woman laughs, shouts ]
[ Willie grunting ]
哦，天那！ WlLLlE: Oh, my!
[ Both grunting ]
-继续 -上帝啊！ -WOMAN: Keep going. -Jesus!
噢！！！ Ohh!
哦，天那！ Oh, God!
喔！！ Ooh!
哦，宝贝儿！ 哦，圣母玛利亚！ Oh, Zena! Oh, Mary!
继续来啊 Keep it going.
老天啊！ Jesus Christ!
对，宝贝 对，宝贝 Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby.
你一个礼拜都拉不了屎了 You ain't gonna shit right for a week.
喔！ Oh!
-好家伙！ -好棒！ -Yeah, buddy! -Yeah!
-呼！ -[ Panting ] -Whoo!
[ Both grunting ]
这种事不会再发生了，我可以向你保证 It won't happen again. I can promise you that.
威利就是有点低血糖，就这么回事 Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.
没错，我忘了吃药 That's right. I forgot to take my pill.
我不是只想听你赌咒发誓 It's not just the swearing.
唔... Um...
请允许我多问一句 Forgive me for prying.
你们俩是不是有人，唔... But did one of you, um...
胡搞... fornicate...
胡搞？ Fornicate?
没错，跟一个壮妞在大号更衣室里胡搞 Yes, with a heavyset woman in the Big & Tall dressing room.
听着，我这辈子吃过不少鸡 Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure.
但是我记忆里从来没有跟别人胡搞过 But as far as I can recall, I've never fornicated anybody.
是的，那好吧 Yes, well, even still,
我觉得我们最好斟酌这件事，我们应该—— I think it's best for all parties considered if we --
应该干吗？ If we what?
哦，还有其他人对这个职位感兴趣 Well, I have someone else interested in the position.
在你做傻事以前 Before you do something stupid,
你该好好想一想 you may want to think about this shit.
你在说什么？ What are you talking about?
我是说开除一个小个子的黑人侏儒 I'm talking about firing a little black midget.
一个有色人种，非裔美国小人 A colored, African-American small person.
这就是我说的 That's what I'm talking about.
我还要说你会上“今日美国” I'm talking about your face all over goddamn "USA Today."
会有150个这样的矬子 I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers
在外面便道上集合 all over the sidewalk out there.
把你们这围起来，唱歌，尖叫 Little picket signs, chanting and raving.
拿着小扩音器冲你们叫唤 Using little bullhorns and shit like that.
然后喊着你的名字 Screaming and hollering your name out.
反抗这种不公平的待遇，明白么？ Unfair practices. Get me?
不不，我不是歧视残疾人 No. No, no. This is not a handicap thing.
我对你们这种人没有任何歧视 I have nothing against you people.
“你们这种人？” "You people"?
马库斯，你听见了么？他说“你们这种人” Did you hear that, Marcus? He said, "You people."
什么TM叫“我们这种人” Who the hell is "us people"?
等等，不不 Wait. Wait. No, no.
我——你不是—— 什么？ I -- You don't under-- What?
他... 不不 He... No, no.
嗯，我说，我觉得我们最好 Um, you know, I think it's best
当我们从来没说过这些话 if we just forget we had this conversation.
好吧 Okay.
这办法不错 Good thinking.
别担心我们，我们没事 And don't worry about us. We'll be fine.
我们走， 马库斯 Let's get the hell out of here, Marcus.
你真可怜 You're pathetic.
我看见你肚脐儿上那个小玩意了 I dig that little thing on your belly button.
那是什么？好像是个钻石？ What's that? Like a diamond?
是个脐环 It's a belly-button ring.
噢，真的？等一下 Oh, yeah? Hang on a second.
看这个 Check this out.
你得使劲儿撞，明白我意思么？ You got to thrust. See what I'm saying?
你得让球滚起来，你去试试，宝贝儿 You gotta move the ball around. You go up there, baby.
来吧 Come on.
看见没？让球动起来，就这样 See? Move the ball. There you go.
屎人！ Motherfucker!
喔，你TM这个让人恶心的屎人 Oh, you lousy, fucking motherfucker.
[ Grunting ]
那会让咱们玩完的 That's the shit that's gonna get us pinched.
她说她18岁 She said she was 18.
可你说了不玩游戏机 But you promised no arcades.
你说你就在更衣室呆着 You said you'd only hustle Big & Tall.
是你生我出来的？你TM是我妈啊？ You shat me out of your womb? You're my fucking mom now?
我TM才不想听说教 I don't need any goddamn lectures.
我知道怎么保持低调，谢谢你 I know how to keep a low profile. Thank you.
[ Car alarm deactivates ]
保持低调的先生，这TM又是怎么回事？ What the fuck is this, Mr. Low Profile?
去TMD管好你自己的事儿 Mind your own goddamn business.
你听说过开瓶法案么？ Ever hear of the open bottle law?
几天以前，我在，唔，大号女更衣室 A couple of days ago, I was in, uh, Women's Big & Tall.
我听见... And I heard these...
嗯，你明白，那种声音 [ Clears throat ] Um, you know, these noises.
我听见一个女人在叫“欧耶欧耶” And I heard a woman screaming, "Yeah. Oh, yeah."
他说“就这样” And I heard his voice saying, "That's right.
你一个月都不能拉——屎了 You ain't going to S-H-l-T right for a month."
别误会我的意思 But don't get me wrong.
我是反对弹劾克林顿的 I was against the Clinton impeachment.
不管一个人对自己的鸡鸡做什么—— What a man does with his own penis --
总统办公室，大号女更衣室—— Oval Office, Women's Big & Tall --
都轮不到美国人们来说什么 it's not for the American people to say.
是，没错 Yeah, right.
但如果你跟孩子在一起... But when you're dealing with children...
他们的触觉很敏锐 They have a tender sensibility.
他们信赖你 And you are in a position of trust.
我觉得那种跟壮女人一起 I think perhaps someone who has screaming orgasms
搞的翻天覆地的人不应该... with large women shouldn't...
没错 Yeah.
当然，我不能因为那个把他开除掉 Of course, I can't fire him for that.
喔，没错 不平等待遇 Oh, yeah. Unfair practices.
特别辩护 婊子，婊子 Special pleading. Bitch, bitch, bitch.
TMD Fucking broads.
可我不能就让他这样 But I just can't help it.
这家伙弄的我很不舒服 There's something about the guy that makes me uneasy.
喔，当然 Well, sure.
圣诞老人在跟壮妞胡搞 Santa fucking someone in the ass.
-那么... -So... -[ Coughs ]
也许我能找个辙开除了他 Maybe there's something I could fire him for.
嗯，我明白 Yeah, I get you.
你明白了？ Do you?
你觉得你能找个什么法子么？ Do you think you could find something?
噢，当然，总有办法的 Shit, yeah. There's always something.
[ Gulps ]
[ Glass clinking ]
靠 Shit.
嘿，欧婆，过来 Hey, Opal. Come here.
唔-唔 Unh-unh.
你个傻瓜 威利，变态佬 Screw you, Willie, your kinky ass.
上回我一个礼拜不能正常便便 Last time I didn't shit right for a week.
不，不是那个，我得跟你谈谈 No, it's not that. I need to talk to you.
我烦你了 威利 [ Sighs ] I'm just tired of you, Willie.
喔 Ooh.
谁TM在我房间里？ Who the fuck is in my room?
你看见我房间里进去人了么？ Did you see somebody go in my room?
当然，有人问起你 Yeah. Some guy asking about you.
好像是个条子 Looked like a cop.
喔，MD Oh, shit.
[ Rattling ]
马库斯，我是威利 Marcus, it's Willie.
我刚回到汽车旅馆 I just got back to the motel.
有人在搜我的房间 Some guy is nosing around in my room.
什么人？你看见他了？ What guy? You get a look at him?
没，不过我猜是条子 No. But I think he's a cop, though.
你觉得谁盯上咱们了？ Think somebody's onto us?
房子里有什么么？有什么重要东西么？ Is there anything in the room? Anything professional?
没有，我就放了些衣服 No, I just got clothes in there.
赶紧溜啊，你个白痴 Just ditch, you idiot.
你能找着地方过一夜么？ You got anywhere to sack out for a while?
-圣诞老人！ -是我 -Santa! -Yeah.
你提前把我的礼物送来啦？ You're bringing my present early?
没有 No.
可我从没告诉过你我想要什么 But I never told you what I wanted.
我说了我没带来 I said I didn't bring it, dipshit.
好吧 Okay. Good.
我要一个绒毛象，要粉色的 I want a stuffed elephant. A pink one.
你要的不见得就能得到 Wish in one hand, shit in the other one.
好事坏事，指不定哪个多呢 See which one fills up first.
好吧 Okay.
我打算在这里呆一阵 So I'm gonna be staying here for a while.
北极那边的事情一团糟 Things are all fucked up at the North Pole.
我跟圣诞老婆婆的妹妹玩的时候被她姐姐抓住了 Mrs. Santa caught me fucking her sister.
现在我被赶出来了 And I'm out on my ass now.
她把我的财产分跑了一半 She got half of everything.
这太酷了 This is gonna be cool.
会好的 This will do fine.
我只能在这儿过一阵 So I'm gonna be crashing here.
就咱们俩，像室友一样，明白么？ It will be just you and me, like roommates, you know?
你和圣诞老婆婆有孩子么？ Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?
没有，老天开眼 No. Thank the fuck Christ.
那矮人们呢？ What about the elves?
唔，他们跟圣诞老婆婆在一起 Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa.
我周末去找他们 I get them on the weekends.
你干吗不给我弄点洗澡水？ Why don't you go run me a bath?
驯鹿怎么样了？ What about the reindeer?
你TM能不能别问驯鹿了？ Would you please shut up about reindeer?
他们叫什么？ What are their names?
谁？ Who?
那些矮人啊 The elves.
啊，MD，我记不清了 Oh, shit. I can't remember.
好像一个叫 Sneezy ，一个叫 Dopey. I think one of them is Sneezy. There's a Dopey.
那是七个小矮人吧 That's the Seven Dwarfs.
噢，你TM在耍我 Oh, you're shitting me.
我想...我觉得是... I thought... I was thinking it was the...
我TM不知道，死孩子 I don't know. Fuck, kid.
我就是管他们叫“伙计” I just call them, "bub."
我会说“嘿，伙计”或者“头儿”之类的 I say, "Hey, bub" or "chief" or whatever the fuck.
我让他去做玩具 I tell him to make the goddamn toy.
你TM怎么了？ What the fuck is wrong with you?
我记不清楚了！ I can't remember this shit!
你非得把什么事儿都刨根问底么？ Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?
他们多大了？ How old are they?
[ Snoring ]
你要饼干么？ You want cookies?
不 No.
来点热牛奶？ Warm milk?
不 No.
我给你弄点三明治？ Should I fix you some sandwiches?
我TMD不要三明治 I don't want any fucking sandwiches.
去NMD三明治 What is it with you and fixing fucking sandwiches?
好吧，你还要什么别的么？ Okay. Do you want anything else?
不 No.
好吧 Okay.
圣诞老人 Santa?
怎么了？ What?
我给你拿了点橙汁 I brought you some orange juice.
里面是什么？ What's in it?
橙子 Oranges.
看看我有什么 Look what I have.
一个基督降临的日历 An Advent calendar.
那TM是什么玩意？ What the hell is that?
是圣诞故事，不过印在日历上 It's the story of Christmas, but in a calendar.
每天你撕开一个格子 Every day you peel open a new box.
你能读到一段故事 You get part of the story.
格子里还有块巧克力 And then there's a chocolate inside.
你想打开今天的格子看看么？ Do you want to open up today's box and read it?
不，你来吧 No. You go ahead.
我靠，看着点我的弟弟 Jesus Christ, kid. Watch the nuts.
“于是约瑟夫从加利利的拿撒勒出发 "So Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee
去大卫的城，找犹大，找伯利恒 to Judea, to Bethlehem, the town of David.
那段时间恺撒.奥古斯都下令 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree
在整个罗马进行人口普查 that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world.
每个人都要去自己的家乡登记在册 Everyone went to his hometown to register."
-就这个？ -没错 -That it? -Yep.
什么TM破故事啊 That's an awesome fucking story, kid.
后面还有呢，不过得等明天才能看 There's more to it, but we have to wait till tomorrow.
你想吃巧克力么？ Do you want to eat the chocolate?
你来吧 You go ahead.
你准备下楼来么？ Are you coming downstairs?
我马上就下来，我要去干活了 I'll be down in a minute. I got to go to work.
靠我？ 靠你 Fuck me? Fuck you.
你不能老在孩子身上耽误功夫 You can't just take up with some kid.
你不知道旁边有谁他们在干吗 You don't know who's around or what they do.
你个狗屎，那么紧张干吗 You got some nerve, you little shit, you.
什么？你是我妈么？是你生我出来的？ What, you're my mom now? You shat me out of your womb?
你昨天说过了，你个SB You said that yesterday, you stupid fuck.
靠 Shit.
靠你 Fuck you.
你是最傻的SB You are by far the dumbest,
吃屎的可怜虫 most pathetic piece of maggot-eating shit
挂在人屁股上的跟屁虫 that has ever slid from a human being's hairy ass.
要是那孩子的狐朋狗友发现了怎么办？ What if the kid has one of those fucking playdates they have now?
别跟我胡扯了，那孩子根本没有朋友 Are you shitting me? The kid don't have any friends.
他都幻想不出来自己有朋友 He don't even have an imaginary friend unless he ditched him.
他跟那个满嘴哈喇子 He lives with his drooling-ass old grandmother.
成天看电视的老奶奶住一起 Sits in front of the TV all the time.
你觉得她会去告密么？ You think she's gonna rat me out?
她知道个屁 She don't know her ass from last Tuesday.
你看见她屁屁了？ You fuck her?
天那 Jesus Christ.
谁的屁屁你都有兴趣是么？ Is everything fucking sex with you?
我？我只跟一个人 With me? I fuck one person.
我不会出去鬼混起来没完 I ain't out there serial fornicating,
不会喝得死去活来 trying to float my liver, drinking myself silly
因为我才不想变成那个德行 'cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am.
你TMD以为自己是锯了腿儿的佛洛伊德啊？ What are you, Sigmund Sawed-off Fucking Freud?
是，没错 Yeah, that's right.
继续说啊，说说我的个子 Go ahead. Talk about my height.
这么说你就觉得舒坦了 Make it about something safe
因为你精神空虚 'cause you're an emotional cripple.
你的灵魂狗屁不如 Your soul is dog shit.
你的一切都TM那么丑陋 Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.
[ Crunches loudly ]
来吧，路易丝. 我们走 Come on, Lois. Let's get out of here.
吉米，看看这是谁，是圣诞老人 Look who's here, Jimmy. It's Santa.
真是TM太好了 That's fucking great.
我们来告诉他你今年圣诞想要什么 Let's tell him what you want for Christmas.
靠 Fuck.
我TM在吃午饭，休息会儿成么！ I'm on my fucking lunch break, okay?
你有病啊？ Are you insane?
我要去告诉你们这的管理处 Management's gonna hear about this.
你想威胁我么？ You think that's a threat?
如果你觉得能让我的生活再差劲点，你就去吧 If you think you can make my life any worse, go right ahead.
来吧，TMD，随便你 Be my fucking guest. Take a shot.
# It's the most wonderful time of the year #
# With the kids jingle-belling #
# And everyone telling you, "Be of good cheer" #
# It's the most wonderful time of the year #
只是看看 Just looking.
啊！ Aah!
[ Crying ]
找到你要的东西了么？ Find everything you're looking for?
唔，是啊，谢谢 Um, yeah. Thank you.
有什么我能帮你的么？ Nothing I can help you with, huh?
不，我有个XBOX，只是看看游戏 No. I'm just looking at the games 'cause I have an Xbox.
别把你的手放我裤子里！ Get your hands out of my pants, man!
你从商店里偷东西就等于你从我这偷东西 You're stealing from the store, you're stealing from me.
这是什么？ What is this?
我要买这个 I was gonna pay for it.
说错了 Wrong answer.
我看着你的时候，你知道我想什么么？ When I look at you, you know what I think?
我想美国的未来真可悲 I think America has a sad future ahead of it.
你们这一代算是完蛋了 And you're part of this sorry-ass generation.
你长大了想做什么？ What you want to be when you grow up?
我不知道 I don't know.
-这是MP3？ -是的 -This MP3? -Yeah.
摘下来 Take it off.
可这是我外婆给我 -- But my grandmother gave --
摘下来，我才不管是谁给你的 Take it off. I don't care who gave it to you.
摘下来 Take it off.
我才不管会不会把你噎死 I don't care if it choke you to death.
现在马上给我滚蛋，滚！ Now, I want you to get on out of here. Get!
-可不可以给我... -滚！ -But can I have... -Get!
宽札节快乐 Happy Kwanzaa.
[ Cellphone rings ]
把该死的裤子提上去！ And pull your damn pants up!
现在的孩子都是怎么回事？ What's wrong with you kids these days?
金？ MAN: Gin?
- 嗯 - 需要什么？ -Yeah. -What do you need?
我需要你帮我找个人 I need you to run a plate for me.
在亚利桑那监狱 It's Arizona plates.
等等，我拿支笔 Hold on. Let me get a pen.
好了吗？ Is that it?
看在上帝的份上，走快点行吗？ For Christ's sake, make a move and stick with it, would you?
我赢了 King me.
狗娘养的! Son of a bitch!
你个肮脏的，作弊的狗屎! You lousy, cheating little shit!
你捉弄我，肯定是故意的 You're fucking with me! You did that on purpose.
和你下棋就像有一堆虱子在身上爬 You play like the dead lice are falling off of you,
然后，你突然就像个纯种马一样上窜下跳 and then suddenly, you're like Seabiscuit all over the place.
你个聪明的小蠢驴 You're a smartass, is what you are, kid.
要再来一局吗？ Want to play again?
[ Doorbell rings ]
您好，我是荷伯·甘 Howdy. Herb Gunner.
我住在两条街以外的伯宁路 I live two streets over on Burning Trail Road.
我们好像没见过面 I don't think we've met.
我是 威利叔叔. I'm Uncle Willie.
今年我负责组织咱们这块儿的装饰 I'm organizing the decorations for the subdivision this year.
-不介意我进去吧？ -介意 -You mind if I come in? -Yeah.
我说我介意 I mean yeah, I mind.
好吧，嗯... Okay. Uh...
你想要今年的圣诞灯吗？ Will you be participating in our luminarias program this year?
- 圣诞灯到底是什么？ - 就是圣诞灯 -What the hell is a lunamaria? -They're luminarias.
小麻袋，每个塞一磅沙子 Small sacks filled with about a pound of sand each.
中间插一根蜡烛照明 We insert a candle in the middle, light it,
麻袋就能发光了 and the bag glows.
然后沿着人行道排列 Then we line all the sidewalks here
附近都摆上 all around the neighborhood.
我们不过圣诞，所以... You see, we don't celebrate Christmas around here, so...
我们是，嗯，穆斯林 We're, uh, we're Muslims.
我是第一年干这个 Look, it's my first year running this.
我不希望留下任何纰漏 I'd like it if there weren't any gaps in it.
圣诞前夜我来帮你做如何？ What if I come by Christmas Eve and do it for you?
不，你不需要这么做，明白吗？ No, you know what? You don't have to do that.
好了，我和这孩子会做的 Yeah, me and the kid here, we'll do something.
很好，我有原料 Great. I got the supplies.
- 我会放在车库里 - 很好 -I'll throw them in the garage. -Perfect.
很好 Awesome.
至少去车库看看 Going in the garage, just so you know.
你可以做美味的鸡肉 MAN ON TV: You can make a delicious six-pound chicken.
足够的热狗和香肠来供应一只军队 Enough hot dogs and sausages to feed a small army.
不是一只，是二只美味的电烤鸡 Not one, but two delicious rotisserie chickens.
用力，圣诞老人，用力 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa.
美味的烤鸡肋 MAN ON TV: Scrumptious 6 1/2-pound standing rib roast.
大家都喜欢的嫩鸡肋 And everybody's favorite, baby back ribs.
[ Applause ]
[ Grunting ]
这房子真不错 This is such a nice house.
需要一个女人 Needs a woman's touch, though.
总之我租了一个干事的地方 I just rent the fucking place anyway.
对，我也是 Yeah. I just rent stuff, too.
嗯？ Yeah?
[ Mumbles ]
你要在这儿待多久？ How long are you gonna be here?
什么？在沙发上？ What? On the couch?
不 No.
在镇上 In town.
不知道，只是度个假 I don't know. Just through the holidays.
你知道的，然后我就走 You know, then I'll move on.
那么，你喜欢孩子吗？ So, do you like kids?
靠，不喜欢! Fuck, no!
你觉得我反常吗？ Do you think I'm some kind of pervert?
我是说因为你是圣诞老人 I just mean because you're Santa Claus.
哦 Oh.
我喜欢孩子，真的喜欢 I like kids. I really like kids.
-真的？ -我非常喜欢孩子 -You do? -I love kids.
哦，好 Well, good.
嗯，还有别的事情，这些孩子 Yeah, they're something else, those kids.
告诉你真相... And to tell you the truth...
事实上，我不是圣诞老人 The fact of the matter is, I'm not Santa.
一样喜欢你 Like ya anyway.
[ Snoring ]
你会打电话给我，对吗？ So, you'll call me, right?
嗯，我会打给你 Yeah. I'll call you.
再给你买些花 I'm gonna buy you some flowers.
有些很贵的 Some of those really good expensive ones.
闭嘴 Shut up.
再见 [ Chuckles ] Bye.
[ Kid screaming ]
罗泽，你回家了 Roger, you're home.
我去给你做点三明治 Let me fix you some sandwiches.
你TMD 怎么了？ What the fuck?
小鬼，你TMD 这是怎么了？ Kid, what the fuck is wrong with you?
[ Screaming continues ]
我的天哪！ Jesus Christ!
让我看看！ 让我看看！ Let me see it! Let me see it!
你到底怎么了 What the hell happened to you?!
一不小心砍了自己一刀，啊 I cut my hand by mistake! Ow!
- 太不小心了 - 啊！ -Of course it was by mistake. -Ow!
别动别动 Here, hold still. Hold still.
[ Screaming intensifies ]
我是想帮你 I was just trying to help you!
我忘了说“有点痛” I forgot to say, "It's gonna sting a little bit."
我就不能用T恤或者别的什么包起来？ Shouldn't I wrap it in a T-shirt or something?
MD God damn it.
- 嘿，小鬼？ -Hey, kid? -[ Screaming continues ]
你在上面没事吧？ Kid, you okay up there?
你得去缝针？ You need a Band-Aid or something?
[ Screaming continues ]
[ Screaming stops ]
哦，TMD Aw, shit.
你迟到了 You're late.
小子，我告诉你 Kids. Let me tell you.
简直太糟了 They run you ragged.
早上好，伙计 Morning, team.
嘿，嘿，嘿 Hey, hey, hey.
还没到8点 It's not quite 8:00 yet.
那还有多久 Well, how close are we?
现在8点了 Now it's 8:00.
圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas.
去NMD Up your ass.
TMD！ God damn it!
你又扯着蛋了？ You tear your ball again?
我想没有 I don't think so.
在那儿 That's it.
[ Thudding ]
[ Crash ]
TMD！ [ Muffled ] God damn it!
甜心，别扯了 Sweetheart, don't romance 'em, now.
继续好吗 Go on and get in there. I can take it.
[ Cellphone rings ]
嗯 Yeah.
金，收集到亚利桑那的名单了 Gin, I got the info on that Arizona plate.
好，我们谈谈 All right. Now you're talking.
嗯，稍等 Oh, hold on one minute.
嘿，别用那个 Baby, baby. Baby, baby. Don't use that one.
那个不行 That's not the stuff.
用带爪的 Use something with some claws to it.
用硬糖，那个 Yeah, that hard candy. That's it right there.
就那个了 Let me get some of that. Yeah, that's it.
好吧 Okay.
喂，继续 Yeah, I'm back.
那家伙叫罗泽·默曼 The guy's Roger Merman.
- 猜猜他在哪儿 - 告诉我 -Guess where he is. -Give it to me.
啊！TMD！你干嘛呢？ Ow! Damn it! What's wrong with you, woman?
你是谁？ Who are you?
你是罗泽·默曼？ Your name Roger Merman?
对，但... Yes. But...
你因为挪用公款坐牢？ You doing three to six for embezzlement?
唔，好多财务问题不是能预料的 Uh, well, many accounting questions are not cut-and-dried.
你住在 圣塔瑞斯 41号？ Do you live at 41 Sage Terrace?
奶奶怎么了？ Is it Grandma?
我儿子好吗？ Is my son all right?
他们都很好 They're fine.
你留宿过什么人吗？ Do you have any houseguests?
留宿？ Houseguests?
谢谢，上帝保佑 Thank you for your time. God bless.
嗯，嘿，你是谁？ Well, hey, who are you?
留宿？ Houseguests?
我在北极学的小窍门 Little trick I learned up at the North Pole.
油渣的香肠，吃起来像热狗 If you fry baloney, it tastes like a hot dog.
我以为你不喜欢三明治 I thought you didn't like sandwiches.
对，但这不是三明治 Yeah, but this is not a sandwich.
三明治是两块面包 A sandwich has two pieces of bread
中间夹一块肉 with a bunch of junk on it.
这个像玉米圆饼 It's like a tostada.
这不是玉米圆饼 This isn't a tostada.
吃你的，奶奶 There you go, Granny.
加点料 Little salsa here.
现在是是玉米圆饼了 Now it's a tostada.
你看见我的基督降临日历了么？ Have you seen my Advent calendar?
基督降临日历有TM什么？ What the fuck is it with the Advent calendar?
你TMD干嘛对那破玩意这么着迷 Why are you so obsessed with that goddamn thing?
那故事也很烂 The story sucks anyway.
我在走廊看见过 I think I saw it in the hallway.
- 真的？ - 我想是的 -Really? -I think so.
好像有人动过我的基督降临日历 Looks like someone messed with my Advent calendar.
你说什么？我看看 What are you talking about? Let me see.
没人动过，看起来很好 Nobody messed with it. It looks fine.
这里有个甜玉米 There's a candy corn in this one.
他们不能都赢，对吗？ Well, they can't all be winners, can they?
嗯，搞定了？ Well, it's fucked.
对？ Yeah?
对 Yeah.
- TMD ，坦白说 - 他... -Fucked, frankly. -He's...
- 清白的... - 哦 -Clean... -Oh.
- 就像TMD吹口哨 - 什么都没有？ -As a fucking whistle. -Nothing?
- 不 - 哦 -No. -Oh.
- 什么都没有 - 好 -Nothing. I mean shit. -Yeah.
- 他骂人 - 对？ -He curses. -Yeah?
- 但从来不对孩子 - 哦 -But never around children. -Oh.
- 没有犯罪记录 - 对 -No criminal record. -Yeah.
- 没有违章停车 - 没有 -No parking tickets. -Nothing.
- 甚至连坏习惯都没有 - 没有 -No bad habits, even. -Oh.
性，对 Sex, yeah.
- 男人都对性感兴趣 - 对 -But man is a sexual being. -Yeah.
- 去TMD 进化论 - 哦 -Fuckin' Darwinian. -Oh.
- 你不能那么干 - 不 -You can't do shit about that. -No.
该死，我不想的 Hell, I wouldn't want to.
不，当然不，我不提倡单身 No, of course not. I'm not advocating celibacy.
希望不是，那TMD人类就绝种了 Hope not. It'd be the end of the fucking human race.
对 Yeah.
搞壮妞 Fucks large women.
我能说什么？ What can I say?
嘿，你瞧，又是他 Hey, look, it's the retard again.
一起上 Wedgie.
- 嗯 - 嗯 -Yeah. -Yeah.
[ Screaming ]
[ Rip ]
嗯，你到底想要什么 Well, what the hell do you want?
口袋妖怪！ Pokemon!
好了 Done.
你最好别抠屁股 You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass.
圣诞老人... Santa...
[ Children laughing ]
哦，天哪 Oh, jeez.
- 那是你的内衣？ - 一部分 -ls that your underwear? -Part of it.
其他的呢？ Where the hell's the rest of it?
不，实际上不用告诉我..你想要什么？ No, actually, don't tell me. What do you want?
我想要一头紫色大象，不要粉色的 I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink.
但我改变主意了 But now I changed my mind.
- 嗯，要什么？ - 不要大象了 -Yeah, what? -Now I don't want an elephant.
我想要个叫大卫的大猩猩 I want a gorilla named Davey
去打那些撕我内衣的人 for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear.
他可以按顺序解决 He could take his orders from the talking walnut,
不用我插手 so it wouldn't be my bad thing.
天哪，孩子 Jesus, kid.
我象你这么大时候，根本不需要大猩猩 When I was your age, I didn't need no gorilla,
还有我长得没你一条腿大 and I wasn't as big as one of your legs.
4个人打我，我跑去爸爸那儿哭 Four kids beat me up and I went crying to my daddy.
- 你知道他怎么处理的？ - 都搞定了？ -You know what he did? -He made it all better?
没，他打我屁股 知道为什么吗？ No, he kicked my ass. You know why?
因为你拿着妈妈的碟子进浴室？ 'Cause you went to the bathroom on Mommy's dishes?
你TMD 说什么？ What the fuck?
不 No.
他教你男人不要哭？ He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?
不，因为那狗娘养的喝多了 No. It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch.
不打屁股了 When he wasn't busting my ass,
他用烟头烫我的脖子 he was putting cigarettes out on my neck.
世界是不公平的 The world ain't fair.
你得自食其力 You gotta take what you need when you can get it.
学着自己站起来，别小孩子气 Learn to stand up for yourself. Quit being a pussy.
踢他们的鸡鸡 Kick these kids in the balls or something.
哦，不，TMD ，我不在乎 Or don't. Shit, I don't care.
和我无关，好了，走吧 Just leave me out of it. Now, get on out of here.
OK，谢谢，圣诞老人 Okay. Thanks, Santa.
叫下一个，OK？ Go get the next lucky boy or girl, okay?
好的，下一个 All right, next.
解开绳子，马库斯 Open the ropes there, Marcus.
我认识你吗？ I know you?
还不 Not yet.
7年，7座城市 Seven cities in seven years.
映象深刻 Pretty impressive.
商店变了，你的名字变了 The store changes, your name changes.
但你还是那么干净 But you always get away clean.
对 Yeah.
真TMD 映象深刻 Pretty darn impressive.
好了，面对现实 Well, let's face the facts.
你们是一对半桶水的 Y'all are a couple of half-bucket small-timers.
因为先天的原因，要维持生计 You, because of your physical attributes, found a niche,
我很敬佩你 and I respect that.
但是，你被我抓到了 But you also been caught...
...by me.
事情就是这样 So this is how it's gonna be.
我不想接手 I don't want to take over.
我也不想改变你们的计划 I don't even want to change your scam.
不管你们做什么 Whatever you guys do, it works.
我只想要分一杯羹 All I want is a taste.
事成之后我们各走各的 When the deed is done, we part ways.
我会去哈瓦苏买个农场 I'll buy a little ranch in Havasu,
你们可以在路上办巡回演出 and you all take your little medicine show back on the road.
- 多少钱？ - 对半 -How much? -Half.
没门，你不知道在和谁说话 No way! You don't know who you're fucking with.
退后，威利，我来 Back off, Will. I got this. I got this!
OK，30% Okay. 30%.
我们3个人，30%比较公平 There's three of us. 30%. That's fair.
对半 Half.
我坚持33%... I meant 33%...
我坚持对半 I meant half.
...1/3 ...and 1/3.
对半 Half.
35% 35%.
对半 Half.
40%. 40%.
对半 Half.
42% 42%.
对半 Half.
45% 45%.
对半 Half.
48%？ 48%?
对半 [ British accent ] Half.
49% 49%.
对半 Half.
行了，一点有什么用？ Well, what's one point?
我们对半分钱 We split the dough right down the middle.
你们拿到的任何货我先看先挑 Any merchandise you take, I get to look at and cherry-pick.
不，钱是一回事，但你不能—— No! Money's one thing, but you ain't gettin' the --
这里没中国菜 This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff.
我会告诉你怎么做 I tell you how it's gonna be.
这就是阴茎再造 This is pricks fix.
阴茎再造？ Pricks fix?
他TMD 性反常 He's a fucking moron.
哦，真的？ Oh, really?
你就是这样取得优势地位的？ Is that how you got the upper hand?
混蛋 Fuck you.
谈判？ Negotiating?
不过你不喜欢，明年滚蛋 If you don't like, next year, fuck off.
我会找到新搭档的 I can always get another box jockey.
我也能再找一个侏儒 I can get another midget, too.
嗯，哪儿？ Yeah, where?
我们这样的像挂在树上的山楂一样 很多吗？ You see us hanging off of trees like fucking crab apples?
就算有很多，也没人和你合作 Even if we did, you'd never front your own racket.
知道为什么吗，威利？你毫无纪律 You know why, Willie? You got no discipline.
你TMD一点警觉性也没有 没有我，你早就被逮住了 You got zero fuckin' initiative. You'd fall apart without me.
你的话太可怜了 You're too pathetic for words.
你TMD 衰鬼自己TMD 知道 You're a fucking loser, and you fucking know it.
# To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh #
# Giddyup, jingle horse, pick up your feet #
# Jingle around the clock #
# Mix and mingle in the jinglin' beat #
# That's the jingle bell rock #
圣诞老人很快就会来的，很快 Santa'll be here real soon, kids. Real soon.
# Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time #
来了，看 There he is. Look.
# In jingle bell square #
噢，不 Oh, no.
# What a bright time, it's the right time #
# To rock the night away #
噢，上帝啊 Oh, my God!
# Is a swell time #
# To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh #
# Giddyup, jingle horse, pick up your feet #
# Jingle around the clock #
# Mix and mingle in the jinglin' beat,,, #
[ Screaming and crying ]
[ Grunting ]
我的天老爷啊 Sweet Jews for Jesus.
我尿在自己身上了 [ Grunts ] I pissed myself.
你TMD 知道自己在干什么？ What the fuck do you think you doing?
狗娘养的 You son of a bitch!
嘿，嘿，嘿，嘿 Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey.
嘿，别这样 Hey, come on, come on.
嘿，来吧，来吧 Look, hey! Come on, come on!
看看这里，带他出去先 Look here. Get him out of here.
我会和 彻匹斯卡 打交道的 I'll smooth things over with Chipeska.
- 告诉他是食物中毒引起的 - “带他出去"？ -Tell him food poisoning. -"Get him out of here"?
带他到车上 Take him to the car.
你别忘了，我TMD 是个侏儒 In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a motherfuckin' dwarf.
除非给我辆铲车 So unless you got a forklift handy,
不然的话，得你把他带出去，嗯哼？ maybe you should lend a hand, hmm?
就是说，你什么都要人帮忙 That figures. You want all kind of set-asides.
以为自己是残疾人就可以受特殊待遇 Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped.
你也一样 You all the same.
特殊待遇？ Special treatment?
我只有三英尺高，你个混蛋! I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall, you asshole!
天生的 It's a matter of physics.
你告诉我我怎么才能把他弄车上去？ Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?
婊子，婊子 Bitch, bitch, bitch.
你个性反常的 Sketch it up, you moron.
你 TMD 利昂那多 达芬奇 Fucking Leonardo da Vinci.
你说我什么？ What you call me, thigh high?
我说你是个１５世纪来的 I called you a fucking guinea homo
最贱的同性恋 from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead!
小矮子，我都能把你塞进我屁眼里 I could stick you up my ass, small fry.
是吗？你的屁股昨天被干的不痛？ Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?
侏儒，你嘴真臭 You got some lip on you, midget.
我嘴巴昨晚还舔你老婆来着 Well, these lips were on your wife's pussy last night.
你有种再说一遍？ Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while?
混蛋 Asshole.
我尿裤子了 I pissed my pants.
噢，闭嘴 Oh, shut up.
圣诞老人 Santa.
圣诞老人？ Santa?
干嘛？ What?
你在干嘛？ What are you doing?
没干嘛 Nothing.
你今天去上班吗？ You going to work today?
不去 Not really.
你就坐在这儿？ You just gonna sit there?
是啊 Yeah.
让我一个人呆会儿，好么？ Just let me alone, okay?
嘿，等等 嘿，小鬼 Hey, wait a minute. Hey, kid?
嗯？ Yeah?
你拿着这封信 I want you to take this letter.
当护理人员来把我装进袋子里时 When the paramedics come to bag Santa up,
会有警察过来 there's gonna be some cops there.
确保警察拿到那信封 I want you to make sure that those cops get that envelope.
这是什么？ What is it?
这里面写着所有的坏事... It just tells all the bad things that...
你的眼睛TMD 怎么了？ What the fuck happened to your eye?
该死的小混蛋！ Fucking little prick!
你喜欢把别的小孩打成黑眼圈，啊？ So you like to give little kids black eyes, huh?
你自己呢？也想要两个？ How 'bout you, huh?! You want some?!
还有别人想要吗！ 有吗？来啊！ Anybody else? Anybody else? Come on!
对，走 Yeah, there you go.
看来我得重新想一下了 You know, I think I've turned a corner.
喔？你现在喜欢身材娇小的妞了？ Yeah? You fucking petites now?
不，我不是指那个 No. I'm not talking about that.
今天我狠狠揍了几个小家伙 I beat the shit out of some kids today.
但是有原因的 But it was for a purpose.
这感觉很好 It made me feel good about myself.
对我的人生有建设性意义 It was like I did something constructive with my life.
我不知道 I don't know.
好像我完成了什么 Like I accomplished something.
你可能要长时间的治疗 You need many years of therapy.
TMD 很长很长时间的治疗 Many, many, many fuckin' years of therapy.
好吧，你不喝酒，这是好事 Okay. You don't drink, which is smart on your part.
但是有时太清醒也有缺点 But being sober can put you at a disadvantage
在打架的时候 when it comes to violence.
当然，我一点也不会打拳击 I can't box worth a shit, see.
但打架时，我不会觉得疼 But I'm good in a fight because I can't feel anything.
你却会觉得痛 You, you're gonna feel everything.
OK Okay.
举起你的拳头 让我看看 Now put your dukes up. Let me see what you got.
胡扯！ This is bullshit!
给我一个我要这么干的理由 Give me one good reason why l should even consider doing this.
为了你这混球 我让2000多个小孩在我脸上吐口水 'Cause I let 2,000 kids spit in my face for your ass.
这就是理由 That's why.
我只要你帮这一个忙 Now, I'm asking you for this one thing.
来吧，看看这个孩子 Come on, look at the kid.
他是有点可怜 He is pathetic.
是啊，他是个小... Yeah, he's just a little...
是个TMD 弱智 He's a fucking retard.
是啊，那我们教他点东西 Yeah, let's show him a couple of things
让他以后可以保护自己 so he can defend himself, then.
除非你怕了 Unless you're scared.
行了，看着 All right, here's what's gonna happen.
马库斯 是个喜欢以大欺小的坏蛋？ Marcus is a bully, right?
他就是把你内衣撕到裤子外面的人 He's gonna pull your underwear up out of your pants.
你该怎么做？ Now, what do you do?
我不知道 I don't know.
MD ，你不知道？ God damn it! You don't know?
如果把你内衣撕到裤子外面的人 If somebody wants to pull your underwear up out of your pants,
你应该会发疯 you have to get mad.
对，小子，来啊 Yeah, kid, come on. Get mad.
对他怒吼 Scream at him.
[ Moans weakly ]
活见鬼 Jesus fucking Christ.
你听听，真没用 Listen at him. He's a fucking faggot.
响一点，怒吼! Loud! Scream!
响一点，对着他发泄! Be loud! Be mean!
揍他! 来吧! Piss him off! Come on!
啊! Aah!
[ Groaning ]
你不能踢人的鸡鸡 [ Strained ] You don't hit people in the balls,
你个混蛋! you asshole!
啊！ Aah!
你TMD 怎么了？ 他只是个孩子 What the fuck's wrong with you? He's just a kid.
-去NMD , 威利! -噢！ -Fuck you, Willie! -Ow!
该死 God damn it.
我告诉你我不想做这事! I told you I didn't want to do this!
让我... 啊! Making me... Ohh!
MD [ Groaning ] Oh, shit.
[ Groans ]
小鬼，也许你不该老和我在一起 Kid, maybe you shouldn't spend so much time around me.
你个卑鄙的混蛋 You sneaky little prick.
[ Grunts ]
混蛋！混蛋！ Fuck you! Little bastard!
放开我 Get off me!
[ Mid-tempo music plays on television ]
[ Laughing ]
闭嘴，那是你说的吗？ Shut up. That's not even what you said.
哦，见鬼，我都忘了 Oh, God damn it, I forgot about that.
这还有个TMD 疗养院 We got a fucking nursing home around here.
我们可以到别的房间去 Well, we can go in another room.
她看上去一动不动，是吗？ She does look kind of still, doesn't she?
嘿，奶奶？ Hey, Granny?
嘿，奶奶 Hey, Granny.
嘿，那儿，奶奶？ Hey, there, Granny?
噢，奶奶 Oh, Granny.
噢，我的上帝 Oh, my God.
TMD 怎么了 What the fuck?
见鬼 Oh, shit.
- 罗泽! - 上帝啊! -Roger! -God!
- TMD ! - 你回来了 -God damn it! Shit! -You're home.
- 打我一下 - 我给你做几个三明治 -Please just tap me. -Let me fix some sandwiches.
[ Moans softly ]
你好，小家伙 Hello, little boy.
你好，圣诞老人... Hello. Santa...
我知道再过2天就平安夜了 I know that Christmas Eve is in a couple days,
你要飞到世界各地 and you have to fly around the world
给大家送礼物，你快要走了 and give presents to everyone, and you won't be around anymore.
嗯？ Yeah?
所以，我想先送你个礼物 So I thought I'd give you your present now.
这TMD 是什么？ What the fuck is it?
这是个木制的工艺品 It's a wooden pickle.
- 你为什么把他涂成褐色？ - 不是涂的 -Why'd you paint it brown? -It's not paint.
上次我在做的时候不小心割到手了 It's blood from when I cut my hand making it for you.
哦 Oh.
好，小鬼，我不知道 Well, shit, kid, I don't know.
我... I...
谢谢 Thanks.
不客气 You're welcome.
晚安，圣诞老人 Good night, Santa.
晚安，圣诞老婆婆的妹妹 Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister.
晚安，甜心 Good night, sweetie.
哦，上帝啊 Oh, my God.
真好 That was so sweet.
他真是个好孩子，对吗？ He's a really sweet kid, isn't he?
我想是的 Yeah, I guess so.
过来，宝贝 Come on, baby.
过来 Come here.
干嘛？ What?
噢，没事，我很好 Oh, nothing. I'm all right.
只是有点累 Just a little tired.
哦 Oh.
圣诞老人! Santa!
TMD ! 哇噢! MD ! God damn it! Whoa! Shit!
想看看我的成绩单吗？ Want to see my report card?
你TMD 吓着我了 You scared the holy shit out of me.
我做的不错吧？ Think I did good?
我怎么知道？我TM还没看呢 How would I know? I haven't seen the fuckin' thing yet.
[ Sighs ]
瑟曼 是TM谁啊？ Who the fuck is Thurman?
-你叫 瑟曼？ -是啊 -ls your name Thurman? -Yeah.
瑟曼·默曼？ Thurman Merman?
没错 Yeah.
天那 Jesus.
你觉得我做的不错吧？ So, you think I did good?
你干吗在乎我怎么想？ What do you care what I think, anyway?
MD，我看你比我小时候强 Hell, I guess you did better than I did.
我从来没得过B I never got any B's.
我想，如果我在学校表现好得话 I thought maybe at least since I did good in school,
你可能会送我一件礼物 maybe you'd bring me a present.
因为去年还有前年 'Cause last year and the year before that,
你都没有给我带礼物来 you didn't bring me any presents.
就算我是个很衰的人 Even though I'm a dipshit loser.
TMD，你这孩子！ Jesus fucking Christ, kid!
你干吗这么说你自己？ Why do you talk about yourself that way?!
我来告诉你，我不是圣诞老人，明白么？ Let me give you some news. I'm not Santa Claus, all right?
好好看看我，我像 圣诞老人么？ Take a look at me. Do I look like Santa Claus?
老实告诉你，我TMD告诉你 As a matter of fact, I'm living fucking proof
根本就没有圣诞老人 that there's not a Santa Claus.
我知道没有圣诞老人 I know there's no Santa.
我只是想，你可能愿意给我件礼物 I just thought maybe you'd want to give me a present
因为我们是朋友 'cause we're friends.
他来了 There he is.
那个恶心，毛乎乎，长着青蛙眼的屎人 That lousy, leather-faced, frog-eyed, motherfucker.
- 晚上好，金 - 晚上好 -Good night, Gin. -Good night.
天那 Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph.
怎么回事？ What is the problem now?
对不起，车抛锚了 I'm sorry. The van stalled.
愿意帮我们一把么？ Will you give us a jump, please?
我会掉在狗屎上的 I'll be dipped in dog shit.
你看我像个机器么？ Do I look like an auto mechanic to you?
非常感谢 I appreciate it.
好吧，小东西，你自己来 All right, small fry, help yourself.
我够不着 I can't reach it.
天那，把那个给我 Jesus Christ, give me that.
谢谢 Thanks.
好了，成了 All right, hit it.
[ Engine turns over ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Groans weakly ]
天那，好可怕的车祸 Oh, my. What a terrible accident.
呃－呃－呃 Mm-mm-mmm.
-他死了？ -没有 -ls he dead? -No.
不过好像你把他的肋骨都弄断了 But it looks like you broke most of his ribs.
我估计有50％，你觉得是30％？ I'd say maybe 50% of them, or do you think 30%?
我得助跑得远一些 I needed more of a running start.
我提不起速度来 I couldn't build up enough speed.
[ Sighs ]
[ Electricity sizzles ]
[ Doorbell rings ]
圣诞前夜快乐 Merry Christmas Eve.
给你带了点小东西 Got you a little something.
何必呢 You shouldn't have.
你该把东西放在厨房 You should put that stuff in the kitchen.
天那，你看上去真不错 God damn, you look good.
来了 Here you go.
甜心，剩下的不多了 Little behind there, sweetie?
我们不再需要这破玩意了 We don't need any more of this shit.
“圣诞把我们祥和的联系在一起 "Christmas keeps us connected to each other in peace.
天使会告诉世界上的每一个人” The angel is going to tell everyone in the world."
阿司匹林？ Aspirin?
# As in olden days #
# Happy golden days of yore #
# Faithful friends who are dear to us #
# Gather near to us once more #
# Through the years, we all will be together #
# If the fates allow #
# Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow #
# So have yourself a merry little Christmas now #
# Through the years, we all will be together #
# If the fates allow #
# Hang a shining star upon the highest bough #
# And have yourself #
# A merry little Christmas #
# Now #
TMD！ Shit!
天那 Jesus.
圣诞老人？ Santa?
-怎么了？ -我要去做点三明治 -What? -I was gonna make sandwiches.
在你走之前我给你做一个 I could make you one before you leave.
听着孩子，我不知道 Listen, kid, I don't know.
我有些烂事儿要处理 I got shit to do and everything.
好吧，给我做点三明治 Okay, make me some sandwiches.
我要去趟商场跟人聊聊 I gotta go to the mall and talk to somebody.
我会回来的 I'll be back.
吃晚饭么？ For dinner?
对，我就是那个意思，没错 Yeah, that's what I said. Yeah.
你要几个三明治？ How many sandwiches do you want?
哦，来几个吧 Uh, a bunch.
你要放多少生菜？ How much lettuce do you want?
不知道，平常放多少就放多少 I don't know. The usual amount.
别人怎么弄你怎么弄吧，随便 Whatever the hell people do. Whatever you think.
好的 Okay.
圣诞快乐 Have a very merry Christmas.
-圣诞快乐 -晚安 -Merry Christmas. -Good night.
圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas.
晚安 Good night.
-晚安 -好的！节日快乐！ -Good night. -Okay! Happy holiday!
顾客们请注意 CHlPESKA: Attention, shoppers.
本商场将在5分钟后打烊 The store will be closing in five minutes.
祝你们大家圣诞快乐 We wish you all a merry Christmas,
光明节快乐，宽札节快乐 a happy Hanukkah, and a joyous Kwanzaa.
好了，扶稳了 All right, hold it steady.
[ Pops ]
[ lnhales deeply ]
哦，咱们开始吧 Oh, yeah, shit, let's do it.
哦，天那 Oh, Christ.
圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas.
晚安 Good night.
圣诞快乐， 威利. Merry Christmas, Willie.
去NMD Up your ass.
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Beep ]
啊！ Aaaah!
哇！ Whoa!
噢，TMD！ Oh, shit.
怎么了？ What?
是KR增强型的 It's a Kitnerboy Redoubt.
Remember Andy Pitz?
安迪·匹茨瑞拉？当然 Andy Pitzorella? Yeah.
不是，安迪·瑞匹斯基 No, Andy Ripitski.
安迪·匹茨瑞拉是蓝眼安迪 Andy Pitzorella was Andy Blue Balls.
他结婚以后大家叫他安迪·匹茨瑞拉 Since he got married, they call him Andy Pitzorella.
你TM想说什么？ What's your fucking point?!
据说他能侵入一切东西 They say he can get into anything.
任何东西 Anything.
他们说他甚至能钻进女王的肚子 They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's pussy.
那不是很好么？ And that's a good thing?
你TM要说什么？ So what the fuck are you getting at?
我跟他一起蹲监狱的时候 When I was in the joint with him,
他告诉我KR增强型是打不开的 he told me that the Kitnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.
你耍我呢吧？ Are you shittin' me?
我一直给你当垫背的 Are you telling me that after I propped you up,
跟你一起对着那帮孩子傻笑 held you together, smiled for all those kids,
给那些家庭主妇跳舞 danced for all those fucking housewives
穿着这身绿色天鹅绒的矮人装 in a fucking lime-green, fucking velvet elf costume,
然后你现在告诉我，你打不开这个操蛋的保险箱？！ that you cannot get in this fucking safe?!
你就告诉我这个？！是么？！ Is that what you're telling me?! Huh?!
不，我只是说我得花点时间 No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute.
靠 Fuck.
狗屎 Shit.
34C 34C.
[ Verdi's "Anvil Chorus ll" plays ]
[ Grunting ]
靠！ Fuck!
[ Clicking ]
[ Creaking ]
小菜一碟 Piece of cake.
我去再拿点东西，马上回来 I gotta get one more thing. I'll be right back.
噢，MD，他说要哪个来的？ Oh, shit. Which one did he say?
[ Gun cocks ]
我打赌商场保安不想来这个 I'll bet the store dick don't want this.
商场保安屁也不想 Store dick don't want shit.
你什么意思？ What do you mean?
商场保安死了 Store dick's dead.
商场保安屁也不想 Store dick don't want shit.
他死了是么？ He's dead, huh?
我都不知道他得病了 I didn't even know he was sick.
威利... Willie...
这一天终于来了 this has been a long time coming.
你一年不如一年，越来越不可靠 Every year, you're worse. Every year, less reliable.
喝的越来越多，废话越来越多 More booze. More bullshit.
干那个的时间越来越多 More buttfucking.
没错，跟三陪差不多 Sure, the three B's.
威利，你必须值得信赖 You gotta be able to rely, Willie.
你们这些怪物 You people are monsters.
这没什么可乐的 There's no joy in this for me.
我不是指你要除掉我 I'm not talking about you taking me out.
这件事 That part, I get.
你看看那堆垃圾 But look at all that shit.
你真的需要那些破烂么？ Do you really need all that shit?
看在上帝份上，这是圣诞节 For Christ sakes, it's Christmas.
威利 这是圣诞节 It is Christmas, Willie.
可我们就是干这个的 But this is what we do.
我们来捡破烂 We get the shit.
圣诞节，我们捡破烂 Christmastime, we get the shit.
因为这是我和路易丝 Because we are men and Lois.
这是圣诞节，威利 It is Christmas, Willie.
而这是我和路易丝 And we are men and Lois.
亲爱的，你还等什么？ What you waiting for, honey?
来吧，打死他 Come on, plug him. [ Muttering ]
[ Sighs ]
永别了，威利 Goodbye, Willie.
-把枪放下 -哈？！ -Drop the gun. -Huh?!
[ Guns cocking ]
圣诞老人，你把大象放下 And you, Santa, drop the elephant.
-你们从哪儿来的？ -有线报 -Where did you come from? -Tipped off.
靠，那个死小孩 Shit, that fucking kid.
你们三个惹了这么大麻烦，真难以致信 All three of you are in so much shit, it's almost unbelievable.
[ Muttering ]
马库斯，跳上来！ Marcus, hop on!
[ Panting ]
我靠 Fuck me.
嗨，嗨！ Hey, hey!
[ Tires screeching ]
[ Sirens wailing ]
这是圣诞节，那孩子应该拿到礼物 This is Christmas, and the kid's getting his fucking present.
[ Slow classical piano music plays ]
站住，警察！举起手来！ Halt, police! Put your hands up!
我说了站住！站住！ I said freeze! Freeze!
- 啊！ - 啊！ -Aaaah! -Aaaah!
“亲爱的孩子... "Dear kid,,,
我希望你拿到了我的礼物 I hope that you got my present
希望上面没有太多的血 and that there wasn't too much blood on it,
你给我的礼物上面也有血 although there was blood on the present you gave me,
但是我也没有嫌弃它 which didn't keep me from enjoying it,
我猜那些血应该不碍事 So maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess, "
呃，我怕警察把它拿走作为呈堂证据 "Anyway, just in case they took it as evidence,
所以我还另外给你送了一件T恤过去 I'm also sending you a T-shirt,
希望尺寸合适” I hope it's the right size, "
“我逐渐恢复了 "I'm healing up good,
他们跟我说我很快就会痊愈 and they tell me that I will soon be 100%,
尽管从我身上取出来8颗子弹 even with 8 bullets dug out of me,
不过幸好没打中要害 because they didn't hit any vital organs,
只是我的肝让他们给摘走了 just my liver, which is fucked anyway,
哈哈哈 Ha ha ha,
谢谢你把那封信交给警察 Thank you for giving that letter to the cops,
我忘了我让你去做，不过幸好你这么做了 I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did
不然小矮人已经让我屁股开花了 or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass,
现在警察知道信是我写的 Now the cops know I wrote it,
我因此可以不用坐牢了 which is gonna keep my ass out of jail,
另外，大家都觉得菲尼克斯警察 That, plus everyone agreeing
枪击一个手无寸铁的圣诞老人 that the Phoenix police shooting an unarmed Santa
比罗德尼·金的事儿还操蛋 was even more fucked up than Rodney King, "
“现在警察把我当爷爷贡着 "The cops are treating me like fucking royalty now,
这可是个新鲜事儿 which is new in my experience,
他们准备让我做顾问 They're gonna make me a sensitivity counselor
这样的话类似的事情 so that tragedies like this
就不会再让政府丢脸了 will never again embarrass the whole fucking department,
我告诉警察没有人照顾你 I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you,
于是他们与圣诞老婆婆的妹妹商定 so they set it up with Mrs, Santa's sister
由她来照顾你，直到 watching you till your dad gets back
你爸爸1年零3个月以后回家为止 in one year and three months,
他们让她做监护人还是什么屁玩意儿 They made her a guardian pro tem or some such shit,
不过她挺喜欢你，你家还有那个游泳池 Anyway, she seems to like you and your house and Jacuzzi,
我给了她点钱 I sent her some money,
如果你听话 so if you play your cards right,
你可以让她给你买点东西 you can probably get her to buy you something,
至于我那个小帮手，很遗憾的告诉你 As for my little helper, I'm sorry to have to tell you
他和他那个讨人厌的老婆 that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife
跟你爸爸一起去考察大山了 are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad,
我希望你爸爸别和他们搞在一起 I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them
就象我那样 Iike I did,
他们很快就会让我从医院病房出去了 They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon,
给我准备点三明治 so get some sandwiches ready,
不要依靠任何人 Until then, don't take no shit from nobody,
全靠你自己了 Ieast of all yourself,
呼呼呼 Ho ho ho,
你的朋友，圣诞老人” Your pal, Santa, "
嗨，衰人 Hey, loser.
我听说你的朋友不再保护你了 I hear your buddy's not here to protect you anymore.
你给我送来辆新车 See you got me a new bike.
真是太感谢了 Thanks a lot.
我跟你说话呢！肥崽！ I'm talking to you, fat-ass!
啊！ Aaah!
[ Bizet's "March of the Toreadors" plays ]
[ Bizet's "Habanera" plays ]
[ Bunnygrunt's "Seasons Freaklings" plays ]
# And it wouldn't be Christmas without you #
# Can't fool me, I know it's true #
# Merry Christmas, merry la la la #
# And it wouldn't be Christmas without you #
# Can't fool me, I know it's true #
# Merry Christmas, merry la la la #
# Making my friends out of snow #
# It's Christmas, and I'm all alone #
# But it won't bring me down #
# 'Cause Christmas cheer is all around #
# And it wouldn't be Christmas without you #
# Can't fool me, I know it's true #
# Merry Christmas, merry la la la #
# And it wouldn't be Christmas without you #
# Can't fool me, I know it's true #
# Merry Christmas, merry la la la #
# Santa Claus is flying high across the frosty winter sky #
# I'm gonna find him and my toys #
# He's in a band that just makes noise #
# And it wouldn't be Christmas without you #
# Can't fool me, I know it's true #
# Merry Christmas, merry la la la #
# And it wouldn't be Christmas without you #
# Can't fool me, I know it's true #
# Merry Christmas, merry la la la #
[ Swag Music Group's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" plays ]
# Christmas #
# The snow's coming down #
# Christmas #
# I'm watching it fall #
# Christmas #
# Watching the people around #
# Christmas #
# Baby, please come home #
# They're singing "Deck the Halls" #
# But it's not like Christmas at all #
# I remember when you were here #
# And all the fun we had last year #
- # Baby, please come home # - # Christmas #
- # Ohhhhh # - # Christmas #
- # Baby, please come home # - # Christmas #
- # Baby # - # Christmas #