Joseph.
Joseph, I hear something out in the living room.
It's nothing.
Joseph.
Wait here.
Joseph, this is it?
This is the best that the Witness Protection Program could do?
An apartment? A tiny apartment?
Hell, my cell was bigger than this place.
Hey, Leonard.
I didn't wanna testify.
You cut a stupid deal, Joseph.
You thought I wouldn't find you? Thought I'd rot in jail...
...and never look for you?
You have to believe me. I had no choice.
I do believe you.
I bet you feel just awful about it.
Sending your best friend and partner to jail.
I bet the memory of that has been haunting you for years.
I know it's helped me come to grips with the reality of your suicide.
Suicide?
That's the way I heard it.
Got stinking drunk three days before Christmas...
...and fell over his balcony.
Three years, Joseph.
Three years I've been waiting to catch up with you. Three years.
Hey, I think I hear Santa Claus outside.
You wanna go on the balcony and take a look?
No!
Married? You've got a kid?
Where are they?
Toss this thrash, I'll be back.
Please don't cry.
Season's greetings!
Sorry.
I don't need it. Oh, forget it.
This is a legit thing. Come on.
Santa's hotline, North Pole.
Well, hello, little girl. What's your name?
Santa's hotline, can I help you?
A train set, sure.
Santa's hotline, North Pole, hello.
North Pole, Santa speaking.
Sure I'm sure this is Santa Claus. Who's this?
Ingrid. And how old are you, Ingrid?
Twenty-three, really?
So tell me, Ingrid. You been good?
You've been good a lot?
You ever been great, Ingrid?
Would you like to be?
Are you kidding? Why do you think Santa's always so jolly?
Gotta go. Head elf walked in. She doesn't look happy.
You got it. Three days from tonight. I'll be in red. Morning.
- You got that right. - Shot in the dark. You're not happy.
- Would you tell me what is going on. - Going on?
Going on in our outer office. Going on in your inner office.
The phone is ringing and people are answering "North Pole." Why?
If they didn't, no one believes Santy Claus lived here.
- I see. - You do?
No, I just wanted to say that to see how it would feel.
- It doesn't feel any different. - Excuse me.
North Pole, Santa speaking.
- No problem. He wants to speak to you. - To me?
Hello.
No, this is not Mrs. Claus.
What are you doing? Are you still there?
She didn't mean it.
Well, I hope you're happy.
David, would you please tell me what is going on?
- Santa's hotline. - Santa's what line?
Santa's hotline.
Maddie, look out there. What do you see?
Ever notice you answer my questions with questions?
I do?
I see a world starving for hope.
A world starving for fantasy. A world starving for joy.
- How about you? - I ate before I came in.
Don't know if you noticed, but you just did it.
- What's that? - Answered a question with a question.
I did?
- Where was I? - Everyone was starving.
Ahh, yes! Now, I don't know if you believe this about me...
...but I take all this pain and suffering very personally.
- I'll bet you do. - Many's the night, I sat up thinking.
- Imagine sitting and thinking. - And then last night, it hit me.
- Left a bruise, I hope. - Who is the one beacon of hope...
...of fantasy, of joy still left out there in the world!?!
- Steven Spielberg? - Santy Claus!
- Oh, yeah? - But all is not well at the North Pole.
- No, huh? - No, Maddie, you see...
...we're living in an age of state-of-the-art technology.
- Is that bad? - For Kriss Kringle.
- Do tell. - All right, I will.
- You're a child. - Watch it.
You wanna tell Santa what you want. What do you do?
- Write a letter. - You haven't been around kids.
- Nobody writes anymore. - They don't?
No. They're busy studying for SATs...
...applying for credit cards, going through detox.
- Joys of childhood. - That's where the hotline comes in.
By dialing our 900 number, children from all over the world...
...can converse with old Saint Nick or an appointed helper...
...for the low price of $ 1.75 a minute, plus the cost of the toll call.
Prices may vary outside the continental United States. You like?
- I hate. - Think about it.
When you've sunk as low as you can, you find a basement door.
Check me here, but you seem disturbed.
You have the morals of a rabbit, the brain of a platypus.
- You're making me- - How can you profit from Christmas?
You call the phone company, I placed an ad.
Had it cranked in an hour and a half.
I just wanna scrape you off the bottom of my shoe.
Hey, wait a minute. You're not fooling me. I know what that means.
- Did you hear a baby? - Did you hear a baby?
Did you hear a baby?
Where did it sound like it came from?
I'm not sure. Where did it sound like it came from to you?
Santa's hotline ho-ho-ho. We're here to listen so-so-so.
Tell me what you want. Tell me what you like.
A new baby doll. A shiny new bike.
Just tell me what it is. I'll tell you-know-who.
And if you've been good, he'll bring it to you.
What baby? I don't hear a baby.
Thanks, kid.
Just for that, you're not gonna get anything this year.
I think I need to talk to someone about a maternity leave.
So you just walked in and there he was?
Yeah, right on top of the delicates and fine fabrics.
- It's clear what we have to do. - Why? Do you smell something?
- No. We have to call the police. - Why? What's the kid done?
- Police? - That baby belongs to someone...
...and someone is probably worried sick about where he is.
Oh, yeah.
- Right. - But on the other hand...
...it may be that whoever left this baby knew exactly what they were doing...
...and who they were leaving it with.
Thanks, Mr. Addison.
May I speak to you outside, please.
- What are you doing? - What do you wanna do?
I mean her. She has no business keeping that baby and you know it.
- I don't know anything. - Put that in writing.
- Call the police, what happens? - They'll return that baby to its mother.
If there is a mother.
If the mother isn't 14 and just abandoned it.
If the mother can be found or if she is interested in-
- What is your point? - It's Christmas.
- So? - So?
Did you see the look in old Agnes' eyes?
They were pointing the same way for once.
- Please. - Maddie. Given a choice...
...where would you have that baby?
In some cold, sterile institution or under the loving eyes of Agnes?
- I'm calling the police. - Fine. Don't say you found a baby.
What would you have me tell them?
- Ask them if they're looking for one. - And if they say no?
DiPesto watches the baby while we find the mother.
Find the mother? And how are we gonna do that?
We're detectives, remember? We go to Agnes' house and look for clues.
What about DiPesto? What does she know about babies?
- There's a first time for everything. - It costs money.
- Give her a raise. - She has a tiny apartment.
So they could stay at your place.
They can what?
- Cute kid, huh? - Excuse me.
That baby, he's cute, huh?
Yeah, sure, I suppose.
"Yeah, sure, you suppose"? What's the matter?
What makes you think that?
I don't know.
You didn't make much of a fuss about that baby, that's all.
That doesn't mean something's the matter. David...
...I don't make a fuss over children.
- Really? - Really.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- I'm just really surprised. - About what?
- About your attitude. - About what?
- About children. - How can you be surprised when...
- ...you don't know what my attitude is? - Well, it's pretty obvious.
- Pretty obvious? - Obvious.
- I don't wanna talk. - You don't?
- I don't. - You don't, you don't.
- Fine. - Fine.
- Good. - Good.
- Now I wanna say something here. - How unusual.
- It might sound a little out of line. - Hard to believe.
I think you'd make a hell of a mother.
- Thank you. - I mean, I know it's not my place...
...but I just have this instinct.
It doesn't matter. We'll probably never know.
- What do you mean? - What do you mean, what do I mean?
David, look at my life. I live alone.
I'm trying to make a business work. I'm not-
- You happy? - Happy?
I mean, if you wanted to have a child-
- But I don't. - But if you did.
But I don't! What?!
I would help.
- You would, huh? - What are friends for?
- That's not the kind of help I need. - That's not the kind of help I meant.
I mean...
...that if you met somebody and you wanted a baby, I would help.
I'd hold the fort down at the office if you wanted to stay home.
What? You wouldn't have the baby for me?
- Hey, I wish I could. - You do, huh?
- I would if I could. - Sure you would.
- I would. - Yeah, right.
- I mean it. - Sure.
- You don't believe me? - No.
- Why not? - Because.
That's just one of those things men say to women...
...because they know it will never happen.
Well, I mean it.
- If you change your mind... - You'll have the baby for me?
- ...I'll give it my best shot. - What a guy.
See if I can find the key here.
You folks live here?
Reuben King. How are you today, Mr. And Mrs. -?
DiPesto, 723.
Department of Justice?
We're investigating a mishap that occurred here yesterday.
We're asking if anyone saw or heard anything.
I wonder if I might ask you folks to follow me up to 316.
Saul? Guys? Company.
- This is the DiPesto family from 723. - Saul King.
- Jim King. - And your name?
- Reuben King. - Three Kings.
- That's right. - Two aces, you win. The King family.
Mr. King.
This Mr. King...
...said something about a mishap last night?
- Do you know the Goodmans? - The Goodmans?
They lived here. Mr. Goodman had too much to drink, fell off his balcony.
- How horrible. - Why do you care...
...about a guy swan-diving off his terrace?
Well, Mr. Goodman was in our Witness Protection Program.
He testified several years ago on a racketeering case...
...and in exchange, we provided him with a new identity.
We just wanna be sure there's been no foul play.
- You think there was? - Well, nobody's been able...
...to find Mrs. Goodman or the baby.
- The baby? - There was a 6-month-old boy.
Nobody's seen either of them since last night.
You don't know anything, do you?
- Us? - Dumb and dumber?
- We don't know a thing. - Wait a minute, who's dumber?
That baby's mother isn't coming back, is she?
Not if she showed her husband that shortcut to the street.
- I knew it. - You knew what?
- I should've called the police. - What difference would it have made?
What difference would it have made?
What difference would it have made? Don't you see what's gonna happen?
Tomorrow this story is gonna be on the news:
"Husband murdered. Mother and child sought."
The child is at my house, David. That makes me something.
- An accomplice or something. - It makes you a nice person.
Something you go to jail for.
- You think so, huh? - Yes, I think so, huh.
Why am I talking to you? Talking to you got me...
...in this trouble in the first place. Just drop me off at my house.
I'll tell DiPesto what happened, then call the police. That's all I can do.
I mean, I have no choice.
Would you consider waiting until the morning?
- What? - Morning. Come on, morning.
Begins a day, precedes the afternoon, becomes Electra.
No, it cannot wait until tomorrow morning.
Right.
- All right. What does the "right" mean? - Nothing.
Clearly it means something. I wanna know what it meant.
The right was for me. It wasn't for you.
- I'd like to know what it meant. - Well, I'm not telling you.
- You're not? - No, I'm not.
- It's awful, isn't it? - I'm not telling you.
Whatever that "right" was, it must be pretty awful.
Drop it.
- Fine. Good. - Fine. Good.
- Give me a hint. - Maddie.
I wanna know what it meant. I deserve to know what it meant.
I heard it and it was about me.
I'll tell you what it meant.
You are not waiting until tomorrow morning to tell her.
That would give her an evening with that baby.
And you can't give her an evening with that baby.
That would make you crazier than you already are.
- That's a lie. - Right.
Stop that!
Why would I begrudge DiPesto a night of pleasure with that baby?
Well, you're wrong.
I'm turning that baby over to the police...
...because that is the best thing to do for all concerned and that's that.
Ms. DiPesto.
I hope you don't mind my plugging it in.
It was getting dark.
It's a beautiful tree.
You live alone, you don't bother to get a big tree.
Oh, yeah, that's right. You live alone too.
He's beautiful, isn't he?
Christmas and children.
They make up for a lot of the bad stuff.
Sure do.
- So, what did you find out? - About what?
About his mother and his father.
About where he comes from.
His mother and his father?
I thought about what you said and you're right.
A little boy should be with his mother and his father on Christmas.
I'm sure going to enjoy him while I have him, though.
He is something, isn't he?
Wanna share him with me?
- Share him with you? - Share him with me.
It's Christmastime.
Share him with you, huh?
There's nothing better in the whole world...
...than spending Christmas Eve...
...under a tree...
...with a baby...
...waiting for Santa Claus.
So, what did you find out?
Find out?
Well...
...I didn't find out a thing.
Really?
- That's too bad. - Yeah, isn't it?
Merry Christmas, Ms. Hayes.
Merry Christmas, Ms. DiPesto.
What I figured was...
...we could go by the baby store on the way to the office.
Sounds good to me.
- You know what, Ms. Hayes? - What, Ms. DiPesto?
There's no one I'd rather have children with than you.
- Agnes? - I'll just be a minute.
We'll sit down here.
- What? - A valentine?
I didn't mean to frighten you.
Saw you and your friend come through with this bambino...
...and a man died in this building a couple of nights ago.
- An investigation's going on. - Are you an investigator?
- Looking for a mother and her baby. - I know all about it. Do you always...
...walk into other people's apartments unannounced?
Not always, no.
Gee, no toys, no crib. Where does the little guy bunk?
The baby doesn't live here and neither do I.
- Now would you please leave? - Is it your baby?
I got the feeling it wasn't your baby.
- I think you'd better go. - Can I ask your friend some questions?
- My friend is in the shower. - Drip-dry suit.
If you don't leave I'll- I'll-
The mind reels. Look, let's understand something.
I'm watching you and I'm watching that baby...
...because where that baby is, the mother is going to be.
And I'm going to find her.
And to all, a good night.
No, little baby, I don't mean you.
- You better hurry up and get changed. - Is something the matter?
I don't understand. If there's an investigation...
...and he's an investigator, maybe we should give him the baby.
I'm not sure he's an investigator.
Wait a second, you mean his mother is a killer?
- That's what these investigators think. - How awful.
I hope that kind of thing's not hereditary.
Better make sure there's no guns or knives around.
Well, look in the back seat of the car!
There you are. I've been trying to find you.
- Please. - Didn't turn in the rug rat?
- Change of heart. - Change of everything.
You change some diapers and your disposition changes.
- Where are you taking me? - My office.
Somebody I want you to meet. Hang on to your suspension of disbelief.
Maddie, I'd like you to meet Mary.
- Hello? - Hello.
Forgive the way I look, but I haven't changed or bathed...
...for several days. I've been on the run with no place to stay.
I've been trying to find a hotel room, but it's Christmas...
...and, well, there are no rooms in any of the inns.
- You hear that? No room at the inns. - So?
So? A woman named Mary, a baby, three kings?
- I'm worried. - About what?
- I think we're trapped in an allegory. - A what?
We got everything but the camel.
- Anybody care for a smoke? - That's it.
What is it we can do for you?
I'm looking for a woman named DiPesto.
I left something with her and I need to pick it up now.
- Can I-? - See you outside? Sure.
My manger's your manger.
- You know what something is? - Something?
- With DiPesto. You know what that is? - I can guess.
I'm not giving that baby to a suspected murderer.
- Suspected, Maddie, suspected. - My mind's made up.
Shouldn't you listen to her? What are you doing?
- What I should have done. - What I should have done.
- What I should've done last night. - Last night.
- Stop that! - Stop that!
- I'm calling the police. - The police.
- Hello, police? - Hello, police?
- I hate you! - You love me.
The something you left with Ms. DiPesto?
- You know all about it, don't you? - Well, yes.
It wasn't easy for me to do.
- Murder never is. - Excuse me?
- Murder. I said, murder never is. - Murder?
- Murder. - I wasn't talking about murder.
- She wasn't. - You weren't?
- Then what were you talking about? - Leaving Andrew.
- Andrew? - Andrew.
- Andrew? My God.
- Is something the matter? - No, just me.
Then your husband really did get drunk and fall off that balcony?
My husband was thrown over that balcony by a man.
A man that my husband testified against.
He didn't know I was there.
You saw the whole thing?
So I ran, but Andrew started crying.
This apartment door was open.
I knew I couldn't stay there...
...but I'd seen the lady who lived there around the building.
She seemed sweet and kind.
She is.
I'd never been without my son before.
I spent that whole night worrying about him, thinking about him.
I knew this DiPesto woman worked for you.
I spent the night in your hall last night.
I was waiting at the door when this man came in this morning.
Is there any way I can see this Ms. DiPesto...
...and make sure that my son's all right?
David.
Sounds like the call of the hall.
Andrew, huh?
That poor woman.
- You mean the murderer? - So, what do we do now?
Here's a thought. What if we call the police?
Not to arrest her. To protect her.
- And Andrew. - And Andrew.
Boy, I'm not looking forward to this.
- You want some company? - Yes. No.
But thank you.
Okay, so now the priest, the rabbi and the minister...
...are all playing golf, right?
Hang on a second, Mary.
- Madelyn? - David, he's gone.
- Gone? - Andrew and DiPesto, they've vanished.
Mary, later on the joke, babe.
Ms. DiPesto?
- Ms. DiPesto. - Ms. DiPesto?
"Get us some lettuce. Grab us some steak.
Remember the cheese please, and a box of Frosted Flakes."
- She's not here. She's not anywhere. - You're wrong.
- She's definitely somewhere. - This is terrible. This is awful.
How do you feel about this?
You know what we have to do.
Wrap this up because another show's coming on the air?
- We call the police! - We call the police!
Right. We have to get them involved. Tell them what happened.
- You think so, huh? - Absolutely.
- Let's not and we say we did. - David.
You're gonna call the police, say we found the child with no mother...
...looked for her, found the mother, lost the child.
As long as you're on the phone, I've misplaced my secretary...
...and did I tell you, I'm a private detective?
- Something like that. - Let's keep looking.
- Keep looking? - You took the words out of my mouth.
My tongue never felt a thing.
It will be dark in an hour.
It will be Christmas Eve in an hour.
My goodness, I completely...
I haven't had a chance-
It's okay. I didn't get you anything either.
- Some Christmas, huh? - Yeah.
I wish we were in Bethlehem.
Really? Bethlehem nice this time of year?
I'd know how to find DiPesto and the baby if we were there.
- Really? - Sure, things were simpler back then.
- No kidding. - No kidding.
I mean, if there was a baby and you wanted to find him...
...the big guy would put a star in the sky.
- A star? - Sure, don't you remember...
...when the three wise men were trying to find baby Jesus?
- They looked for a star to guide them. - A star!
- It led them right to him. - David.
I think I know where DiPesto and the baby are.
- You do? - Would you do something for me?
- You said you knew where they were. - Well, like you said:
"A star in the sky will guide us right to them."
Hello, Ms. DiPesto.
Hello, Ms. Hayes.
It took me a while to figure out where you were and what you were doing.
- Ms. Hayes? - Spending Christmas Eve...
...under a tree with a baby.
- Ms. Hayes. - Waiting for Santa Claus.
- Oh, Ms. Hayes. - I really do know how you feel.
Christmases and children. They make up for a lot of the bad stuff.
- Oh, Ms. Hayes. - But this baby is not ours.
- But, Ms. Hayes- - I'm sorry, Agnes...
...but his mother's waiting back at the office.
Terrific. Why don't you give her a call and ask her to come over?
- He followed me here. - Great. I'd hate to think of him...
...in this cold and lonely house alone.
About that phone call?
They're waiting for Santa Claus.
Call me cynical, but I'll bet they're in for a long wait.
Oh, boy. Am I glad Christmas only comes once a year.
What the hell?
I want you to know, there is no one else I would do this for.
That is the last time I jam myself into a tight hole with clothes on.
Now, this is no way to impress Santy Claus.
- Who is he? - Fifty bucks for this costume...
- ...and he wants to know who I am. - Shut up.
You keep an eye on these people while she and I find a phone.
- David, do something. - Prepare to attack.
They're in range.
Good shot.
Okay, which one of you wants to go first?
You miss her already?
And one and two and-
Enough games.
The jig is up.
- Drop it! - Drop it!
Drop it.
I'd recognize those crowns anywhere.
Three Kings.
Take a load off.
- I just had a thought. - There's a first.
No, think about it for a minute.
Santa's hotline...
...Mary and Joseph's story...
...the way the office is decorated.
Think this could be the Christmas episode?
You know, it just might be.
It couldn't be the Christmas episode. There's no snow.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas!