乐于服务 警卫
赶紧的！ Let's go! Move it!
新泽西州警局训练中心
50公尺 50 more yards!
好，我们走，跑快点 All right, let's go! Pick it up!
- 我们走!是，长官 - Let's go! - Yes, sir!
你快没时间了，布莱恩 You're running out of time, Bryant!
沿着跑道动作快!快点 Make it all the way around the track! Come on!
想当州警吗?那就跑快点 You want to be troopers? You better move it!
好，接下来，过来这里 All right, next, get up here!
动作确实完成 Let's hit it now.
动作确实完成 Dean, come on!
好，你们都通过笔试了 All right. You've all completed the written exam.
但你们还要通过障碍超越训练 However, you must now pass the obstacle course
才能加入训练课程 to be admitted into the training program.
记住，通过这项测验 And remember, survive this,
你们就可以站上最前线保卫新泽西的安全 and you're on the front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.
新泽西州警察学校
耶 Yeah.
很遗憾你没考过，老爸 Sorry about the test, Dad.
我们都有自己的问题，宝贝 We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.
我的问题就是血糖过低 Mine is named hypoglycemia.
所以总要不时摄取糖分 Well, that's why you always have to have sugar nearby.
你要吃饭 Are you gonna have pie?
今晚不要，妈 Not tonight, Ma.
我开玩笑的对，我当然要吃派了 I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie.
你 You...
不，我现在就要吃，拿派来 No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now.
好 你 说派 - Okay. - You said it,
不，我现在就要吃，拿派来 and I just kind of got that stuck in my head now,
怎么也挥不去，派来了 and can't really get it out. Pie. Here we go.
这能帮助我恢复心情 It really helps heal.
不是每次都有效，但有时可以 And, you know, not always, but sometimes,
你必须像小孩子常讲的“管它去的 you gotta do like the kids say, and just say, "Whatever. "
小孩不会那样讲 Kids don't talk like that.
有些会，宝贝，大一点的孩子会 Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay?
我在百货公司常听他们说 I hear them in the mall. You know?
花生酱 Peanut butter.
可以填补破碎的心灵 It just fills the cracks of the heart.
远离痛苦 Go away, pain.
什么？保儿 - What? - Paulie.
哦，不，拜托，老妈 Oh, no. Come on, Ma.
我现在没心情 I'm not ready for this right now.
爸爸 不要 - Dad. - Please.
我们不想看到你又独自过节 We just don't want to see you go through another holiday alone.
但是我不孤独 But I'm not alone.
我有你们两个，懂吧 I've got you two. You know?
况且黑色星期五快到了 And besides, Black Friday's coming,
我的工作会很忙 so my dance card's gonna be pretty full.
什么?这是每年最忙碌的采购日 What? It's the busiest shopping day of the year.
我早该知道一般人是不会懂的 Yeah, I should have known better than to try to explain it to civilians.
但愿有同事在这里，像是“泰勒，你知道黑色星期五快到了 I wish I had a coworker here, like, "Tyler, hey. You know, Black Friday's coming. "
“保罗，你不必提醒我 "Gee, Paul, you don't have to tell me Black Friday's coming.
“不然我干嘛 "Why do you think I've been walking around here
“老盯着客人看?” "with the eyes of an eagle?"
我们要做好准备 - 爸，你说这些 - We prepare. - Dad, what does all that have to do
和下半辈子的幸福有何关系? with being happy for the rest of your life?
我引用你说的“如果到十一月还没找到女朋友 You said, and I quote, "If I don't have a girlfriend by November,
“我就让你帮我报名完美交友网站 "I'll let you sign me up for perfectmatch. Com. "
那是去年的事 That was last year.
好吧 Okay.
完美交友网站找到理想伴侣
就是这个 好 - Here we are. - Okay.
“你要找怎样的女人 "What are you looking for in a woman?"
要像你妈那么特别的 Well, your mother certainly had something special.
是啊 ，她非法入境 Yeah, illegal immigrant status.
嫁给你取得身分然后丢下我们一走了之 She married you, got citizenship, and then she left us.
不完全是这样 That's not entirely true.
当她还在努力帐我时我们有过一段好时光 We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me.
- 我恨她你不该这样 - Well, I hate her. - Well, you shouldn't.
你是她给我的 She gave me you.
我很棒吧 - 你是的 - I am pretty great. - You are. You are.
好，下一个问题，“说说你自己 Okay, next question. "Tell us about yourself. "
我看看 Let's see.
我很懂鲨鱼 I know a lot about sharks.
别再往下说了 Let me stop you right there.
身材结实，略微壮硕 Well-built and a great hugger.
太棒了，奶奶 Awesome, Grandma.
更棒的在后头 Not as awesome as this.
你在做什么 What are you doing?
把你几年前拍的英俊影片放上去让你的档案更有看头 Beefing up your profile with that nifty video that you made a few years back.
妈，不要 Ma, no.
我不知道，这样好像在炫耀“嘿，看看我”? I don't know. Don't you think it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"?
这就是我们要的啊 Well, that is exactly what we want.
要吸引人注意 Eyes on the prize.
别担心，我会剪掉流汗的部分 And don't worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts.
我的天啊 Dear God!
嘿!离我的车子远点 Hey! Back away from the vehicle.
我的天，别这样 Oh, dear God. Please.
嘿!离我的车子远点 Chompers, get down!
你知道男厕在哪？ Hey, you know where a men's room is?
我知道，你该去罗德泰勒百货 I do. You're gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor.
他们有十二间厕所和加温座垫 They got 12 stalls and heated seats.
圣诞村
别把球丢出球池，孩子、孩子 Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids!
哦，我的嘴唇麻了 Okay, my lip is numb.
好的 All righty.
拿好了 谢谢 - There you go. - Thank you.
发饰小铺
嘿 Hey.
对，我知道 Yeah, I know.
这辆厢型车不该停在这里 That's not supposed to be here. It's a minivan.
…他无法拦下圆盘滑行到最远那端 ...he can't handle it. The puck travels to the far board...
他让整场球赛沸腾起来 He keeps the play alive.
保罗，嘿 - Paul! - Hey.
这是什么？ What is this?
我写的报告如何疏解从梅西百货 That's my report on how to ease traffic flow from Macy's
到专卖店的人潮 down through the specialty shops.
- 这对你有什么用?事实上这是为大家写的 - How's that working out for you? - Actually, it's for all of us.
如果重新规划顾客路线让他们远离美食街 You see, if we could reroute the customers away from the food court,
对各专柜会有帮助也能减低顾客的沮丧感 it's gonna help the kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration.
这是典型一石二鸟的妙策 It's your classic two-bird, one-stone scenario.
能问你一件事吗 - 随你问 - Can I ask you something? - Anything.
你为何不能像大家一样少管闲事，只管打卡上下班 Why can't you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us?
安全永远不能松懈 Safety never takes a holiday.
你妈在枕头上绣的名言? Did your mom crochet that on a pillow?
布拉特 Blart.
这是辛斯，新来的警卫今天让他跟着你实习 This is Sims. He's a new trainee. Let him trail you today.
嘿，我是保罗布拉特，十年的老鸟 Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran.
哇，维克辛斯 Wow. Veck Sims.
维克辛斯，欢迎加入，我们上车吧 Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let's mount up.
哦耶，这玩意真棒 Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff.
就是这个，小心骑，小子 That's it. Treat her gentle, son.
拍拍这里，求个好运 Slap it, honor it.
明察 - 威慑 - 观察 - 报告
你为何想当保安 So what made you want to pursue security?
我没念完高中，只能找到这工作 I never finished high school. This is all I could get.
我正在努力考州警 Yeah, I'm currently working on becoming a state trooper, myself.
我已经考了八次都没过因为血糖过低 Right now, I'm goose egg for eight. Hypoglycemia.
很困惑吧?别急慢慢来 Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack.
我第一周上班就在西尔斯百货里迷路了 My first week riding on the job, I got lost behind the Sears.
后来他们找到满脸胡须缩成一团的我 They found me later in the fetal position, sporting a full beard.
开玩笑的，我不能留胡子 I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard.
我叔叔才能留，跟紧我 My uncle can. Stay snug.
如果你遇到攻击者 Now, in the event that you approach an assailant,
我要你这样做，你要停下车 here's what I want you to do. You're gonna pull up,
左臀向前，将右手朝右臀这样摆 left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly,
让人感觉你带了枪，当然你我都知道 giving the illusion that you have a gun. Which, of course, we both know
你没有枪 you don't.
懂吗?但你知道我们有什么? Okay? But you know what we do have?
有嗓门，我们有嗓门 Our voices! We have our voices.
如果你今天要记住一件事那就是这个 If you remember one thing from today, it's this.
头脑是你的唯一武器，你不需要带手枪 The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster.
好，真棒，我们午餐时间有多久? Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch?
半小时，但我20分钟就吃完留5分钟到处哈拉 Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me five minutes for social time,
5分钟收心准备工作 five minutes to get refocused.
我们发现高速行驶者 We got a high roller.
先生，麻烦你停到右边 Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right.
请停到旁边，先生，离开通道 Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic.
穿浅棕色夹克，开红踏板车的先生请停到右边，离开通道 Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right, out of traffic.
先生 Sir.
谢谢 Thank you.
你有点横冲直撞哦，先生 Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir.
你开玩笑吧 You're kidding.
我不拿顾客的安全开玩笑 I don't joke about shopper safety.
我恐怕要开张传票 I'm afraid I'm gonna have to issue you a citation.
请告诉我你的姓名，先说你姓什么 Gonna need your first and last. Last first.
先生，先生，先生 Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir.
请别让情况更复杂好吗? Please don't make this more difficult than it needs to be, okay?
你可以…先生!我警告你，先生 Are you able to... Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir.
你别逼我 You're pushing it.
先生，我警告…先生 Sir. Sir. I am warning... Sir.
先生，先生…先生 Sir. Sir. Sir.
好吧 Okay.
我记住了，先生他会回来的、他会回来的 This is adding up, sir. He'll be back. He'll be back. He'll be back.
- 嘿嗨，有什么事吗? - Hey. - Hi. Do you need something?
对，欢迎你加入我们的百货公司 Yes. I'd like to welcome you to our mall.
谢谢你 Well, thank you.
还有别的事吗？ Is there something else?
有、有、有 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
我想找点发片 Just looking for some hair extensions.
头上需要增加一点发量 你也卖男人的? Need a little more volume up top. Do you do men?
你也卖男人的假发?男人用的 Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair? On the men?
你是撞到厢型车那个人? Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan?
不是我吧，你说什么车? I don't think so. Which one?
那辆车，就在那里 Well, that one. That one right there.
对，那辆车，对…撞到那辆车的人是我 Yeah. That one, yes. That... You know, that one was me.
哇，你没事吧? - 对，我好极了 - Oh, wow. Are you okay? - Oh, yeah. Never better.
不过他们扣了我一大笔薪水 Although they're docking the paycheck pretty good.
是啊 Yeah.
知道该怎么做吗?你该拿那段保全录影带 You know what you should do? You should get the security tape,
寄给那类的节目 就是有人撞到东西的爆笑影 and then, like, sell it to one of those shows, you know, where people crash into stuff.
赢了就能提早退休 - 对吧? - Hello, early retirement. - Yeah, right?
发量，对了，我找找适合的 Volume. Right, let me just see what I've got.
对，我是布拉特如果你需要我，我正在巡视专柜 Yeah, this is Blart. If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks.
你是谁？ Who is this?
布拉特警官，我在第五区报告 It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5.
你没事吵我干嘛？ What the hell are you bothering me for?
只是例行查报 - 真是个笨蛋 - Just a Code B check. - What a moron.
我晚点再和他们回报这相当重要 You know, I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense.
对，安全警卫的生活 Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard.
- 怎么了?没事，只是你说安全保安 - What, what? - No, it's just that you said security guard,
我完全可以接受 and it's perfectly acceptable...
很抱歉，我是否用错称呼了 I'm so sorry if I called you the wrong thing.
不、不、不，你说得很对 No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know?
只不过在我们这一行 It's just that there's a huge, huge controversy
目前出现很大的争议 brewing in the industry right now,
我们的职称应该是警卫或警官 whether the title should be Security Guard or Officer.
我相信你应该听说过 I'm sure you heard about it.
没听过，你会听到的 - I didn't. - You will. You're gonna.
我相信我会的 这一行的争议 - But I'm sure I will. - It's out there.
所以你准备好迎接一年最忙的采购日吗 So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year?
对，也是最糟的生日 Yeah, right. And the worst day for a birthday.
我的生日今年刚好是黑色星期五这表示我甚至连卡片都收不到 This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which means I probably won't even get a card.
大家都忙着采购 Everyone's too busy shopping.
你知道吗?秋褐色不错 You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash.
- 对这颜色很适合你 - Yeah. - I think that's your color.
我想应该不错 - 就是这个了 - I think this'll work. - It's a winner.
总共9．95元 - 9．95元? - So that's $9.95. - $9.95?
对 哇 - Yeah. - Wow.
这样的价钱，让我想弄个假马尾了 At those prices, now you got me thinking ponytail.
好了，谢谢 All right. Thank you.
谢谢 Thank you.
好了，你的东西 好 - Right. So there you go. - Okay.
好的 And, there you go.
谢谢，艾咪 Thank you, Amy.
谢谢，布拉特警官 Thank you, Officer Blart.
嘿，布拉特，不错的衬衫 Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt.
你穿中号的吧 You went with a medium?
看来是有点紧 It's a bit formfitting,
因为我们底下要穿防护背心 but that's 'cause we're required to wear protective vests under our...
不，我才不信 No. Not buying it. No.
因为我没看到下面有背心痕迹 'Cause I don't see any vest underneath here, so...
不，是比较厚的T恤 基本上就是穿保暖内衣 No, but it's a thick T-shirt. Basically like a thermal they have you wear.
不，不是，不 Nope. Nope. No.
我不知你在笑什么，我才刚说你胖 I don't understand why you're laughing. I just called you fat.
我没有笑 I'm not laughing.
哼，随便你，艾咪 Yeah, whatever. Amy.
嘿，大家今晚要去美国乔餐厅 我要你也一起来 Hey, everyone's going to American Joe's tonight, and I want to see you there.
好吗?我们一起分享洋葱圈 Okay? We're gonna split some onion strings.
哇、哇 Wow. Wow.
很好 Good.
好家伙 Good hang.
哇、还真棒 Wow, yeah. That's great.
嘿，布拉特，他们要你去维多利亚的秘密专柜 Hey, Blart, they need you at Victoria's Secret.
好，收到 Okay, roger that.
好，我该走了 Okay, I gotta go.
好再见 Okay. Bye.
我先找到的 - 才不是 - I found it first. - No, you didn't.
女士，问题 Ladies. Problem.
问题出在哪里 What's the genesis?
她想拿最后一件这个尺寸的魔术胸罩 She's trying to take the last push-up bra in this size.
明天就会进新货，中午的时候就上架了 There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow. They'll be here by noon.
我现在就要，我今晚有约会 Well, I need this one now. I have a date tonight.
真的，它瞎眼了？ Really? Is he blind?
哇!防水鞋和粗棉袜 Whoa! Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks.
不是初次遇到这种事 Not my first rodeo.
好的，女士们，我需要你们的证件 Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.
不，你不需要 No, you don't.
太太，我要警告你 我有权将公民扭送法办 Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have the authority to make a citizen's arrest.
每个人都有，我现在就能逮捕你 So does anyone. I could arrest you right now.
- 没错，她可以嘿，我不是和你说话，好吗 - That's true. She could. - Hey, not talking to you. Okay?
我能和你谈一下吗?太太 Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am?
听着，我了解你的敏感 Look, I understand your sensitivity.
我自己也有体重的问题 I've had some issues with weight myself.
你是在说我胖 - 不，不是 - Are you calling me fat? - No. No, no, no, no.
我只是说我感同身受 I'm just saying I've been down that road.
我是说…我现在就是这样我们都陷入困境 I mean... I mean, I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded.
承认吧，我们以吃填补空虚，对吧? Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right?
但从我开始吃比较健康的食物 But as soon as I started eating healthier,
就发现自己不再情绪化 I noticed I wasn't so moody.
而且肤质也变好了 And PS, your skin's gonna clear up.
可以帮我拿一下吗 - 当然 - Can you hold onto these? - Sure.
太太 Ma'am.
你 You...
她的上半身超有力的 She's got tremendous upper body strength.
请求支援!请求支援 Backup! Backup!
她咬我脖子、她咬我脖子 She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck.
请求支援 Backup!
请求支援!请求支援 Backup! Backup!
听着，我知道你是新手 Look, I know you're new here and all,
但“请求支援”是很普遍的说法 but "backup" seems like a pretty universal term.
嘿，要搭个便车吗？ Hey. Can I give you a lift?
搭这个? What, on that?
如果遇上没经验的驾驶 我会建议不要 With an inexperienced driver I would recommend no,
但是跟着我 你就像美国总统一样安全 but with me, you'll be as safe as the President.
我不知道，不会害你被开除吗? I don't know. Couldn't that get you fired?
对，会这样 Yes, it could.
好吧 Okay.
这样可以吗 - 当然 - Is this all right? - Absolutely.
到了，安全抵达 And here you go. Safe and sound.
65年的野马 - 恩 - '65 Mustang. - Yeah.
告诉你一件趣事许多人以为这辆车是以马命名的 Fun fact for you, a lot of people think the Mustang was named after the horse.
但其实是以P51野马命名的 It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang.
那是一架飞机 - 我不知道 - That's a plane. - I didn't know that.
谢谢你载我一程，保罗 真的很好玩 Well, thank you for the ride, Paul. That was so much fun.
不客气 No problem.
听着 Listen,
如果你需要搭便车到任何地方 if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere,
可以透过中心联络我 Dispatch, they can get me. You know.
或是互相发简讯 - 对 - Or we could just text each other. - Yeah.
把你的手机给我 - 我的手机? - Yeah, give me your cell phone. - My cell?
对，我把我的号码存进去 Yeah, and I'll punch my number in.
我忘在便服口袋，这样好了 Left it in the casuals. You know what?
把你的号码给我，我会记起来 Just give me your number and I'll remember it.
好，准备好了 - 恩 - Okay. Ready? - Yep.
好，555·等一下” - All right. 555... - Not yet. Just...
我准备好了 Now I'm ready.
- 555... - 555 ... 555 555
01 01 ...01... ... 01...
78 8，记住 ...78. - Eight. Got it.
我记住了 That's it. It's locked.
好，所以今晚在美国乔餐厅会遇见你喽? Great, so I'll see you tonight at American Joe's, right?
对，我是说，大家都会去，所以 Yeah, I mean, everybody's going, so...
对 那我也是吧？我会去 - Yeah. ... why not me, too? I'll be...
对，我会去 Yeah, I'm there.
太好了，再见 - 再见 - Great. Bye. - Okay. Bye.
美国乔餐厅
- 嘿嘿!很高兴你来了，保罗 - Hey. - Hey! Hey. Glad you made it, Paul.
这里真不错 Good to be here.
告诉你一件趣事 - 这里烂透了 - Fun fact for you... - This place sucks.
你要离开这里吗？不 - You want to get out of here? - No.
抱歉，你刚刚说什么 I'm sorry, what were you saying?
我只是说 No, I was just saying that
第一家美国乔餐厅是1972年开幕的 the first American Joe's actually opened its doors in 1972.
多数人因为餐厅的菜色和主题 And most people, because of its service and theme,
以为是从艾比路易餐厅衍生出来的 但其实不是 think that it's derivative ofAbe and Louie's, but it's not.
那是它自己的品牌 It's its own thing.
你真的知道很多事，保罗 You really know a lot of facts, Paul.
嘿，布拉特，听说你在内衣专柜被一个肥女人痛扁 Hey, Blart, I heard you got your ass handed to you by a fat chick at Victoria's Secret.
嗯，我不打女人 Well, I don't hit women,
- 我甚至不知道…对，你只打车子，对吧 - so I don't even know what... - Yeah. Just minivans, right?
你何不去酒吧那 帮自己点杯女性饮料 Hey, why don't you go over to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks?
- 我马上过去好，还有谁要饮料吗? - I'll meet you over there. - Okay. Does anybody else want a drink?
因为史都华要请客 - 不，他们不喝 - 'Cause Stuart's buying. - No, no, no. They're good. They're good.
所以 他们不喝 好 - So... They're good. - Okay.
听着，我…我们已经在一起了，所以 Hey, listen, I... We're basically already together, so...
我不是…我甚至不知道 I wasn't... I didn't even realize that.
我…没做什么 - 对 - And I was... I wouldn't... Doing anything. - Yeah.
你只要记住就行了 I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight.
懂吗? - 懂了 - Okay? - I got it.
我是说，反正你也不可能有机会 I mean, it's not like you really had a chance, okay?
安全警卫?说真的 Security guard? Really.
但你只是卖笔的，老兄 But you're a pen salesman, dude.
对，我才刚买了辆凯美瑞你就是比不上 Yeah, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat me.
算了，老兄，退一步吧 我们只是来找点乐子 All right, bro. Back off. You know, we're all just here having fun.
好啊，老兄 Okay, bro.
怎样? What?
谢谢你站出来，老兄 Hey, thanks for getting my back there, brother.
警卫伙伴的连结牢不可破 对，我们走 Security blood runs deep between... Yeah, let's just go.
第六回合 - Round six. - Let's do this thing.
准备好没 - 还没 - Gentlemen ready? - No.
还没，现在好了 Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay.
开始 And, go!
里欧，你噎住我可不会急救 你最好嚼一嚼 Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich, so you better chew.
我知道 I know.
我告诉你，你最好吃快点 Told you, boy. You better hurry up.
来吧，我脸上有辣昧玉米片 There you go. Nachos in my face.
我的天，辣椒好辣 Oh, my God. These peppers. The peppers are hot.
我的天，吃到辣椒 Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot pepper.
玉米片很棒的，老兄 Nachos are good, man.
最好通知你的朋友，玉米片快被吃光了 Better inform all your friends, boy. Nachos about to be gone.
你落后很多 You're lagging behind.
快点，保罗，快比赛啊 Come on, Paul. Playing games.
我就爱玉米片，我告诉你 I love these nachos, I'll tell you that much.
柠檬汁真好喝 - 对，保罗 - That lemonade is insane. - Yeah, Paul.
因为那是鸡尾酒 - 不，我不喝酒 - That's because it's a margarita. - No. I don't drink.
扭一扭 Twist it.
摸到软骨 Feel the nub.
嘿，要喝一点吗？好 - Hey, you want some? Here. - Yeah.
你要水果 You want fruit?
再见!你眨眼了!你眨眼了 Bye! You blinked! You blinked.
该向美女求爱了 Time to pluck the grape from the vine.
还在头晕目眩!兴奋莫名 Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity.
从左边过去 Coming on the left.
虚惊一场 False alarm.
告诉我妈关于我们的事 Told my mom everything about us.
你在说什么 What are you talking about?
你故作矜持，少来，这很自然 You're acting coy. Come on. It's natural.
你知道，你明明知道 You know. You so know.
不，抱歉，保罗，我不知道 No, I'm sorry, Paul. I don't know.
黄鼠狼快走 Snap. Pop goes the weasel.
好快乐 So happy!
耶 Yeah!
耶
我相信魔力 I believe in magic!
不会吧 No way!
感恩节
很遗憾没成功，亲爱的 I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear.
没关系，老妈 It's fine, Ma.
爸，我们何不查看交友网站 - 对 - Hey, Dad, why don't we check for matches? - Yes.
我不要，宝贝，我要去睡觉了 Yeah, I don't think so, sweetheart. I think I'm just gonna turn in.
明天帮你准备特别午餐如何让你开心起来 Well, how about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up?
不必了，妈，没事的 I don't think so, Ma. It's fine.
如果有食物能起死回生 那应该是牛肉酱 If something's gonna work, it would be the sloppy joe.
但那可能 你知道 But that would probably... You know.
如果你真做了牛肉酱，别忘了配炸薯条 You know, if you're doing the sloppy joe, do the sweet potato fries.
但是…随便啦牛肉要全熟的，对 But it... Whatever, you know. Well done. Yeah.
完美交友网站会员登入
登入开始吧
找到你的完美伴侣…
没有符合人选
玛雅，嗨 Maya. Hey.
爸，很遗憾 Dad. I'm so sorry.
没关系 It's okay.
天涯何处无芳草 There are other fish in the sea.
你只要继续追寻 You just gotta keep looking.
你做什么不重要 And it doesn't matter what you do.
因为只要假以时日，她认识真正的你 Because once someone takes the time to get to know the real you,
就会彻底爱上你 all bets are off.
如果还是不成，至少你还有我们 If it doesn't work out, you'll always have us.
抱歉，宝贝，我耳朵塞住了 没听到你刚说什么 I'm sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn't hear a word you were saying.
你只是要 You just have to...
那是刺青吗 Is that a tattoo?
我 对，是刺青 I... Yeah, yeah, it is.
你何时刺的 When did you get it?
- 昨天晚上刺了什么? - I got it last night. - What is it?
尼斯湖水怪 It's the Loch Ness monster.
我不该喝酒的 I don't drink.
黑色星期五
嘿，嗨 - Hey. - Hi.
那天晚上 That was
真是有的古怪吧？ a little weird the other night, huh?
对，有些时候是颇怪的 Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Yeah.
其中一次是不是我想要亲吻你的皮包 Was one of them when I tried to make out with your purse?
因为酒精立刻变成血糖 You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar in the blood.
然后微血管就发生了 And what happens is the capillaries...
对，听着，很多人 Yeah, look. A lot of people...
几乎每个人都拒绝和我为伍 Pretty much everybody, you know, tends to write me off.
如果你也是，我会了解的 And if you did, too, believe me, I get it.
我只是…我猜我只是希望你不会那样 I just... I guess what I'm asking is that you don't.
好的，我很抱歉，我只是 Okay. You know, I'm sorry, I've just...
我必须赶在银行关门前去兑现支票 I've gotta cash my paycheck before the bank closes. I'm...
没问题，也许晚点再聊? No problem. Maybe we could talk later or something?
当然，你可以传简讯 好 - Yeah, sure. You could just text me, or... - Okay.
对，我会的，我会的 - Yeah. - I can do that. I can do that.
保罗，这年头大家都传简讯 You know, Paul, everybody texts these days.
我不敢相信你连手机都没有 I can't believe you don't have a cell phone.
我对这些高科技没兴趣，维杰 I'm not about all this technology, Vijay.
我喜欢面对面的互动或温馨的手写感想 I prefer face-to-face interaction or a nice handwritten sentiment.
300 300 bucks?
我给自己搞出大麻烦了 你一定要帮我，拜托 I dug myself into a really deep hole with this girl, you gotta help me. Please.
保罗，你一向有话直说我告诉你怎么做 Paul, you've always been a straight shooter, so I'll tell you what.
你何不用我女儿派莉莎的电话 Why don't you take my daughter Parisa's phone?
不，我不能那样 - 不、不、不 - No, I can't do that. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
我在处罚她 I'm punishing her.
她开了那些派对 还有那个前男友帕胡 No. What with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend Pahud,
电话被她讲爆了 she went over her minutes.
在她决定改变生活之前 我没收了她的电话 When and if she decides to turn her life around, I'll simply take it back.
你可以先借用 Until then, you use it.
谢谢 没问题 - Thanks. - Sure.
别超过使用时数 - 当然 - Stay within the minutes. - Of course.
嘿，那边进不去了，各位已经关门了 Hey. It's too late to go in that way, guys. It's closed.
- 里面没有人对，我们例外 - No one's going in there. - Yeah. I think we are.
闪电
嘿，保罗，快过来 Hey, yo, Paul. Come here, man.
听着，我知道你心情低落所以这个给你 Look, I know you been feeling down, so I got this for you.
“魔鬼辣酱” "The Devil's Crotch. "
感受热辣吧，宝贝 Feel the burn, baby.
- 谢了，里欧试过再告诉我，老兄 - Thanks, Leon. - Get back at me, man.
装货区准备就绪 - Loading dock's ready. - Got it.
花园州储蓄银行
对 Yeah.
你需要一枝笔，对吧 You need a pen, don't you?
不，我不用 You know what? No, I'm good.
我可以用他们的笔 - 不，你需要 - I'll just use one of their pens. - Yeah, you do.
对，5280高峰之泉 Yes. The Summit 5280 fountain.
- 很漂亮对，我知道 - That's stunning. - Yeah, I know.
你用这枝优美的笔签下你的名字如何? How would you like to sign your name with this panther?
是吗？那就谢了 You know what? More than anything.
对，那就太好了 - 给你 - Yeah, that'd be great. - Here. Yeah.
送给你，我我坚持 It's yours. I insist.
对，那就太好了 - 给你 Oh, hey, guys.
嘿，嘿 - Hey. - Hey.
嘿，谁不爱星期五昵? - Hey. - Don't you just love Fridays?
对 一周最棒的夜晚 - Yeah. - Best night of the week.
对 Yeah.
抱歉，嘿 - Excuse me. Sorry. - Hey.
保罗，可以帮个忙吗 Paul. Paul, can you help me out?
我需要赶到银行 I need to shoot over to the bank for a minute.
里面有几个小孩才刚打完电动 There's a few kids inside, just finishing up their games.
你可以帮我关门吗 Could you close up the arcade for me?
当然没问题，费格森先生 - 好 - Yeah, sure. No problem, Mr. Ferguson. - Okay.
你还好吧?看起来没精神 - 我很好 - You okay? You seem a little down. - Yeah, I'm fine.
也许打局电动会让你开心起来 You know, video game might cheer you right up.
不行，我在执勤 Nah, I'm on duty.
代币一枚 - 接受挑战按键开始
欢迎加入游戏 Welcome to the games!
12．66世界纪录
预备 Get set.
开始 Go.
犯规，犯规 Foul. Foul.
犯规。犯规
犯规，犯规
犯规、犯规、犯规、犯规 Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul.
游戏结束 Game over.
我们准备好了 We are ready.
新歌 - 再玩一次离开
我们动手吧 Let's do this.
各位顾客请注意 Attention shoppers.
请朝最接近的出口移动 Please make your way to the nearest exits.
很抱歉百货公司今天提早关门 Unfortunately, the mall will be closing early.
通通出去通通出去 - Everybody out! - Everybody out!
全部通通出去 Everybody out, now!
西奥兰治百货大楼
你也一样 You, too!
嗨，嘿!嘿!你别动我 Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me...
我在西奥兰治百货大楼 I'm at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
嘿，有群疯子想占领百货大楼 Hey, yo. Hey, there's some crazy-ass people trying to take over the mall.
- 我要闪了 大家通通跪在地上 - I'm out of here. - Everybody on the floor!
叫他们派特警队过来 里面可能有人质 Tell them to bring SWAT. There may be hostages.
你在做什么?快蹲下 What are you doing? Get down.
我的天 Oh, my God.
惊讶吗?我知道 Surprised? I know.
但最疯狂的部分在这里 But here's the craziest part.
我是他们的老大 I'm the leader.
据报他们在银行里头 手中握有人质 Reports are, they're inside the bank and they got hostages.
我是霍华警官，我需要四个小队包围建筑物四周 This is Sergeant Howard. I need four units around the back to secure the perimeter.
看看是否能建立视觉接触 然后立刻向我报告 See if we can establish visual. Report back to me immediately.
撤离所有民众 Let's get all these civilians out of here.
看看是否能进入装货区 See if we can gain access into the loading dock.
- 快去94 收到，撤离他们 - Go. - I'm on it. 94, move 'em out.
喂 Hello?
觉得活力十足 Feeling alive?
你说什么 I'm sorry?
派莉莎 Parisa.
她让你觉得活力十足吧? She makes you feel alive, doesn't she?
你一定是帕胡 帕胡，我没和派莉莎在一起 This must be Pahud. Pahud, no, I'm not with Parisa.
我叫保罗布拉特 My name's Paul Blart.
派莉莎的爸爸没收她的手机 然后借给了我 Parisa's dad took her cell phone away, and he lent it to me.
别骗我，保罗布拉特，你别想骗我 Do not lie to me, Paul Blart. Do not lie to me.
你现在可能满头大汗，正和她翻云覆雨 You are probably sweating over her right now.
我没说谎 I'm not lying.
我是满头大汗但没有和任何人翻云覆雨 I mean, I am sweaty, but I'm not sweating over anyone.
那个女人就像天上女神她让这世界美好无比 That woman is like an angelic goddess who only brings goodness to this world.
而且她的脚超性感的 Plus, she has some crazy sexy feet.
保罗，我无法忍受这次分手的痛苦 Paul, the pain of this breakup is far too much for me to bear, man.
帕胡，我能理解你的痛苦 Pahud, no one can blame you for being upset.
假日已经很难忍受了 何况又和情人分手 I mean, the holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak to the mix.
哇，这话真沉重，保罗布拉特 Wow. Them's some heavy words, Paul Blart.
嘿，人生本来就沉重 Hey, life is heavy.
没错，你在百货公司里面 Indeed. Now, you are at the mall, huh?
你何不去帮我拿些柳橙汁 So why do you not head over to Orange Julius,
找我朋友山米欧 call up my friend Sameer Oh?
告诉他你现在是我兄弟了 他会优惠给你的 Tell him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up.
你知道我在百货公司 Wait a second. How'd you know I was at the mall?
我用GPs追踪派莉莎的电话 你别批评我 I track Parisa's phone with GPS. Don't you judge me.
已经关门了 Closing time already.
好，百货大楼共有223家店面 Okay, there are 223 stores in this mall.
我要你去这15家店 Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit.
这15家给你 And 15 for you.
好 Okay.
这支钥匙可以取得每家店的信用卡机器密码 Now this is the key to retrieve the codes from each store's credit-card machine.
他们每天都会改密码，要确认 They change every day, so make sure
你们取回的是今天的密码，星期五的 that you bring me back the codes for today, Friday.
维克，如你所说的 有六个家伙成标准队形进来了 Veck, six guys in standard formation, just like you said.
太好了 Perfect.
炸弹!炸弹!炸弹!炸弹 Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!
这些小猪要一路滚回去了 And these little piggies went all the way home.
动手吧 Do it.
盖瑞通常会把剩菜捐给慈善机构的 Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the Mission.
各位，我有几个要求 Hey, everyone. A couple requests.
麻烦绑住你身旁的人，同时闭上嘴巴 Kindly tie up the person beside you, keep your mouths shut,
丢掉你的手机，照我说的去做 give up your cell phones, and as a general rule, do as I say.
你们只要照做…很快就能回家 You do all these things... Well, you'll be back at home in no time.
会去过平凡的生活 Back to your mediocre lives.
我没有手机 - 艾咪 - I don't have one. - Amy.
我真希望你和我可以成为一对鸳鸯大盗 I was hoping that you and I could have a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on.
当然，除了最后不要死在枪林弹雨中 You know, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course.
你觉得如何 What do you say?
去死吧 Go to hell.
唉哟 Ouch.
嘿，史娘腔，不介意我痛扁你女朋友吧? Hey, Stewie, you don't mind that I'm hitting on your girlfriend, do you?
什么?不，她不是我女朋友 What? No. She's not my girlfriend.
但我明明听到你说你们已经“在一起”了 But I specifically heard you say that you two were "basically together. "
不，我没说我们在一起 我是说她爱皮衣 No. I didn't say that we were together. I said that she's into leather.
你尽管动手 Have at it. If you...
天啊，你是个大笨蛋 God, you're an idiot.
喂？ Hello?
我是西奥兰治警局的霍华警官 This is Sergeant Howard of the West Orange Police Department.
请问你是？嗨 - Who am I speaking with? - Hi.
嗯，情况是这样的 Yeah, well, so here's the deal.
你们吃到苦头了吧 我在所有入口装了动作侦测器 As you learned the hard way, I have motion sensors by all the doors,
如果你们想冲进来 so if you wanna enter my mall,
可能要顺便带六个尸袋 you might as well bring at least six body bags.
他在银行钻保险箱 他们在监视我们 He's drilling the safe, and they have eyes on us.
想办法侵入保全摄影机 See if we can tap into the security cameras.
听好了，别想冲进百货公司 Now look, no one's gonna try and enter the mall.
你需要什么吗?像食物或水 Is there anything you need? Do you need any food? Do you need any water?
老天，这家伙完全按照规则程序 Oh, man. This dude doesn't deviate from the book at all.
既然你问了，我想来份快乐餐 You know, since you're asking, I would love a Happy Meal,
但是…要确定赠送的玩具是海怪 you know, but... Make sure the toy is the sea monster,
因为我已经有恶龙了 'cause I already have the dragon.
好，你真正想要的是什么? Okay, okay, now what is it you really want?
安静 Silence.
嘿，抱歉，百货公司关门了 Hey, I'm sorry, mall's closed,
但我可以带你到最近的出口 只要告诉我你车子停哪里 but I can help you find the nearest exit if you just tell me where you parked.
我的天啊 Sweet mercy.
这不是真的、这不是真的 This is not happening, this is not happening, this is...
天啊，快想想，保罗，快想想 Oh, God. All right, think, Paul, think.
你受过训练，该怎么做? Now what are you trained to do?
什么都不做 Nothing.
明察 - 威慑 - 观察 - 报告 我必须报告，快点报告 Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it.
嘿，有个漏网之鱼 Yo, we got a straggler.
- 是一名警卫 我们该怎么办 - It's a security guard. - What should we do?
不知道，那就放弃喽 I don't know. Give up, I guess.
各位，你们哪里有毛病?我们照计划进行 Guys, what is wrong with you? We stick to the plan.
119中心把一名叫保罗巴斯打的报案电话转给我们 We got a 911 operator connecting us with some guy named Paul Barth.
他说他是百货公司的保安 He says he's a security officer in the mall.
嘿，布拉特?他是我的手下 Hey. Blart? He's one of my guys.
保罗，我是西奥兰治警局的霍华警官 Paul, this is Sergeant Howard of West Orange Police Department.
歹徒占领整个百货公司，还挟持人质 The mall has been taken over, and they have hostages.
我要你马上离开大楼 I need you to exit the building immediately.
此刻我们不能节外生枝 We don't need any wild cards in this situation.
了解，我向来不节外生枝 Copy that. Never been a wild card.
除非是玩疯狂纸牌 Unless you consider the game of Uno wild.
- 布拉特!专心点好吗? 是的，先生，我马上出去 - Blart! Can we focus here, please? - Yes. Yes, sir. On my way out.
好，出发，别死，千万别死 Okay, okay. Come on, don't die. Don't die.
布拉特 Blart.
别尿裤子、别尿裤子 Don't pee. Don't pee.
各位，26号门的动作感应器刚刚关掉了，大家快过去 Guys, motion detectorjust went off at Door 26. Everybody on it.
艾米 Amy.
他到底在干嘛?快过来 What the hell is he doing? Come on!
保罗，快点保罗，快点 - Paul, come on! - Paulie, come on!
他干嘛 - 保罗! - What's he doing? - Come on, Blart!
布拉特，快来 Blart, come on!
快走!动作快 - 快过来! - Let's go! Move it! - Come on! Come on!
快离开那里 - 快点! - Get out of there! - Come on!
他在哭吗 Is he crying?
我不能丢下她 - 他去哪里? - I can't leave her. - Where's he going?
布拉特！他去哪？ - Blart! - Where's he going?
布拉特，回来!拜托你和他谈谈吧 Blart, get back! Will you talk to him, please?
布拉特，我是布鲁克，你搞什么? Blart, this is Brooks. What's going on?
长官，我发过誓要保护百货公司以及里面所有的人 Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this mall and all inside it.
什么誓?我们又没誓言 What oath? We don't have an oath.
那是我自己发明的 写在我房间的匾额上 I sort of made up my own. It's on a plaque in my room.
听着，我认为你犯了一个大错 Listen, I think you're making a big mistake.
特警队已经上路 SWAT's on the way.
我不想说好听的你没受过训练，又没有武器 And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, you're untrained, you're unarmed,
面对现实吧，小子你会变成首要的攻击目标 and let's face it, son, you present a huge target.
恕我直言，长官 但我从外面无法观察和报告 With all due respect, sir, I can't observe and report from the outside.
通话结束 Over.
嗯，警官看来你在里面有了一对眼睛 Well, Sergeant, looks like you got your eyes on the inside.
艾咪，保罗布拉特在此 你还在百货公司里面? Amy, Paul Blart here. Are you still in the mall?
发送 Send.
找到他了 Got him.
我的天、我的天 Oh, my God. Oh, God.
快想想、快想想、快想想 Think. Think. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think! Think!
冷静下来 Hold it together.
战士之心 Heart of a warrior.
我错过午餐了 I missed lunch.
谢谢 Thank you.
这不是真的、这不是真的 This isn't happening, this is not happening.
嘿!别搞得更僵了 Hey! Don't make this hard.
你喜欢吗? You like that?
布鲁克，我撂倒一个女的但 男的逃走了 Brooks, I took out a girl, but the guy, he ran away.
哇，保罗，你擒住一个，对 - Wow, Paul, you got one. - Yes.
但我一向不打女人，我只是 But let the record show, I did not hit a woman. I just...
我用全身的重量压住她 I put all my weight on her.
哦，保罗 Oh, Paul.
不、不、不，她没事 No, no, no. She's fine, she's fine.
很好，你快离开那里 Well, good, let's get you out of there.
不行，长官，做人要有始有终 No can do, sir. I am gonna finish what I started.
这是什么玩意 What the heck is this?
给我 Give me that.
保罗，我是霍华警官 Paul, this is Sergeant Howard again.
既然你不肯出来，我要你到银行去 Since you refuse to come out, I'm gonna need you to go into the bank
找出他们把人质扣在哪里 and find out where they're holding the hostages.
我的荣幸，长官 With honor, sir.
很好 Good to know.
嘿，小雷或雌狐还没回报 Hey, I haven't heard back from Donner or Vixen.
好，我现在要改变计划，各位 Okay. I'm calling an audible here, everyone.
我要立刻从里面封锁百货公司 And I need to get this mall locked down from the inside immediately.
我们何不开始杀人质?他们会收手的 Why don't we just start wasting hostages? That'll stop them.
那也是个方法，但人质是警察待在外头的唯一原因 Well, that's one way to go, but our hostages are the only thing keeping the cops outside.
我是指挥官肯特，我的队员正在布署中我需要净空此区 I'm Commander Kent. My team is deploying. I need this location secured.
有三个街区” - 建立封锁线 - We got a three-block perimeter... - Establish a perimeter
- 建立封锁线 and get all these people out of here.
嘿，这些我们都做了 Whoa, whoa, this is all done already.
我的人会再做一次，以正确的方式做 My men are gonna do it again, the right way.
现在叫你的人退下 歹徒曾提出任何要求吗 Have your guys fall back, now. Have there been any demands?
快乐餐和绝对的安静 - 好，那就弄些噪音 - A Happy Meal and absolute silence. - Well, let's make some noise.
我让狙击手就位了，检查通讯设备 I got snipers at the ready, communications in check.
马上切入保全摄影机，取得内部画面 Let's tap into security now, and let's get some visuals.
不成，他们砸烂摄影机了 You can't. They knocked out the video cameras.
我准备接手现场指挥 倒数三、二、一，现在由我负责 I'll be ready to take on-scene command in three, two, one. I'm in charge.
布鲁克，我正在观察银行 Brooks, I'm observing the bank now.
有一名歹徒在看守人质 They got one assailant guarding the hostages.
她在那里 There she is.
我的天，你是我的甜心派 My, God. You are my angel pie.
我为你紧张得直冒汗 Here come the love sweats.
保罗，你的无线电还开着 Paul, your radio's still on.
收到 Roger that.
怎么回事?刚刚是谁? - 里面有我们的人 - What's going on? Who is that? - We got a guy on the inside.
别说是其中一名菜鸟警察想冒充英雄 Don't tell me one of your beat cops is trying to be a hero.
不，他不是，他叫布拉特 是我的一名保安 No, he's neither. His name is Blart. He's one of my security guards.
等等，布拉特 - 恩 - Wait a minute. Blart? - Yeah.
保罗布拉特 - 恩 - Paul Blart? - Yeah.
你开玩笑?高中时我们常欺负他 通话器给我 Are you kidding me? We used to abuse that loser in high school. Give me that.
布拉特 Blart.
我是指挥官詹姆士肯特 新泽西州的特警队 This is Commander James Kent. New Jersey SWAT.
我们上同一所高中，记得吗 We went to high school together. Remember?
我在煎饼节放火烧你 I set you on fire at the pancake festival?
对，嗨，小詹 Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy.
绿鹰队加油 Go Green Hawks.
听着，我有50名训练精良的武装高手 Yeah, listen. I've got 50 highly trained, armed professionals out here.
他们听我号令，我们会夺回此地 At my command, we are retaking this location,
所以我绝不容许某个和假想朋友共进午餐的 and there's no way I'm compromising this mission so that some mall monitor
瘪脚百货警卫来坏事 who used to eat lunch with his imaginary friend can screw it up.
抱歉，小詹，我按到按键只听到“午餐”和“朋友” Sorry, Jimmy, I had the button pressed. All I heard was "lunch" and "friend. "
可以帮我找布鲁克主任来听吗? Could you do me a favor and put Chief Brooks back on?
听我说，布拉特 Listen to me, Blart,
你不能再和布鲁克主任通话了听懂没有? you are no longer communicating with Chief Brooks. Is that clear?
喂? Hello?
喂?
喂?嘿，保罗，你好吗? Yeah? Oh, hey, Paul, how you doing?
他们把人质移到出纳柜台那边 Well, it looks like they moved the hostages into the teller area.
我会靠近一点看 I'm gonna get a closer look.
维克 Veck.
他在那里 There he is!
通通到后面房间 - 快点，动作快! - Everyone in the back room, now! - Come on, move, move!
快点到后面去 Let's get in the back, huh?
布鲁克，我看不见人质了 我没办法救出他们 Brooks. I lost visual on the hostages. I couldn't get them out.
但我知道谁是首脑，是维克 But I know who the leader is. It's Veck.
维克？那个新人？ Veck? The trainee?
不，他是首脑 我不敢相信 - No. The brainee. - I don't believe this.
我去告诉霍华 I'll pass it on to Howard.
神秘棕色
我的天 Oh, God.
就把你困在里面了 Trapped is fine by me.
开始染色，三，二，一 Commence tanning. Three, two, one.
耶 Yeah!
好耶 Yes!
狩猎大胖子的时间到了 Time for some big-game hunting.
打开、打开!谢天谢地 Open, open, open! Thank God.
不好了 Oh, no.
老大!老大!老大!我们得手了 Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We get it!
抓住他!抓住他!抓住他 Get him! Get him! Get him!
你最好跑快点 You better run.
鲁道夫，你在哪里 - 我要了结他 - Rudolph, where are you? - I'm about to end this.
艾咪啊?还真巧啊 Amy, huh? What a coincidence.
我们在银行也抓到一个红头发的艾咪 We got a cute little redhead down at the bank named Amy.
事实上，是紫金色 - 是吗? - Strawberry blonde, actually. - Yeah?
我现在知道要先杀谁了 Well, I guess I know who I'm killing first.
待会见了，是吗 - Catch you later! - Yeah?
看来你刚跑出百货大楼了 Well, it looks like you just ran out of mall.
我出手很快，她不会感觉任何痛苦 It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing.
你不准碰她，但你会先感觉到这个 You aren't gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this.
撞头只会两败俱伤 Nobody wins with a head butt.
员工专用，闻人勿进
把手机给我 我没有手机 - Give me your cell phone. - I don't have one.
你在说什么?每个小孩都有手机 What are you talking about? Every kid has a cell phone.
我比较喜欢手写的感觉 I prefer handwritten sentiments.
这些牛肉酱是干嘛的?这是谁给你的 Who are these sloppy joes for? And who gave you this?
那是我的，我在球鞋部值班迟到了 They're mine. I'm late for my shift at Foot Locker.
他们的首领在线上，要和你说话 We're getting the leader on the horn. He wants to talk to you.
绝对安静过头啦 Silence, my ass.
怎么回事?挨了几拳 What's the matter? Throw a fewjabs your way,
躲在角落吸吮拇指啊 you curl up in a corner, suck your thumb?
如果你不站出来反驳这混蛋 If you don't go toe-to-toe with that scumbag,
他会折磨你一整晚 he's gonna roll over on you all night long.
没关系，我不来这一套 It's all right. That's not my style.
为了预防万一，我写下一些回嘴的机智语录，像是… Well, just in case, I wrote down a couple of clever comebacks, like...
这里 Here.
你就是在忙这个？ This is what you been doing?
“是啊，你和什么军队 "Yeah, you and what army?"
- 有什么不妥? 他确实有支军队 - What's wrong with that? - He has an army.
每个人生日都该收到卡片 Everyone deserves a card on their birthday.
所以当你和鲁道夫在后面的屋子说笑 So when you and Rudolph were laughing it up back at the crib
夸口入侵这里轻而易举，还说 about how easy all this was gonna be, were you guys like,
“哼，哪个脑残的百货警卫敢挡路 就让他一枪毙命?” "Man, any brain-dead mall cop that gets in the way is gonna get smoked"?
然后…然后昵?你们还击掌欢呼? And then... And then what? You guys all high-fived?
- 维克，这个警卫…赢了!我知道，因为我都算好了 - Veck, this guard is... - Winning! I know this, because I am all set!
但是很可惜，没有密码 But sadly, no codes!
想到我在亚马逊的购物? And I'd say, considering all the luxury items that I have stacked up
堆了那么多奢侈品，现在却无法交易 in my Amazon shopping cart, situation unacceptable!
不、不、不，他在看这边 No, no, no, no, no, no. He looking.
给我一把枪 Give me a gun.
放下来、放下来 Put it down. Put it down.
你在点什么头？ What are you nodding about?
我只是在纳闷，你真的点了快乐餐? I was just wondering, were you serious about that Happy Meal?
没有餐点可吃，是吗 It isn't coming, is it?
什么 What?
我是指挥官詹姆士肯特 新泽西州特警队 This is Commander James Kent, New Jersey SWAT.
你要和我说话 You wanted to speak to me?
我只想确定没有人做傻事 I just wanna make sure that no one does anything stupid.
你该知道我的手下部署好 我们要解决此事 You should know my men are deployed and ready to bring this thing to a resolution.
看你要吃软的，还是来硬的 The easy way or the hard way.
这真难选，但是 That is such a tough call, but...
对，但我要选第三种，以上皆非 Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and go with C, none of the above!
对了，我是艾咪 I'm Amy, by the way.
艾咪?发饰小镌的艾咪 - 对 - Amy? From unbeWEAVEable? - Yeah.
我是玛雅，我爸老是提到你 I'm Maya. My father talked forever about you.
我必须说，他真的很喜欢你 And I gotta say, he really does like you.
我快吐了 I'm gonna throw up.
哦，这没那么糟 Oh, that's not so bad.
保罗，你女儿在这里…艾咪
我的天 Oh, my God.
他们抓到他女儿 They've got his daughter.
老爸? - 玛雅 - Dad? - Maya.
一切都会没事的 你的血糖如何? - Everything's gonna be okay. - How's your blood sugar?
别担心我好吗?我才担心你 Don't worry about me, okay? I'm worried about you.
我爱你，现在我必须把你们全救出去 I love you. All right, now, I'm gonna get you all out.
你再忍耐一下好吗?宝贝 You just hang in there, okay, sweetie?
我会的，我是布拉特家的人，记得吧? I will. I'm a Blart, remember?
对，待会见 Yeah. I'll see you soon.
我现在应该带着人质 在前往开曼群岛途中 I'm supposed to be on my way to the Cayman Islands with the hostages.
鲁道夫跑哪去了?他应该回来了才对 And where the hell is Rudolph? He should be back by now.
鱼缸加热器
烟雾器
“如果维克拿到密码 他会带我们去开曼群岛?” "If Veck gets the codes, he's taking us to Cayman Islands"?
哼，维克辛斯，欢迎加入 Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show.
过来抓我，维克 Come and get me, Veck.
我有你要的信用卡机密码 I got your codes for the credit-card machines.
嘿，听到没?那是保罗，好样的 - 布拉特? - Yo, you hear that? That's Paul, baby! - Blart?
这一切都是他在搞鬼 你们在开什么玩笑 That's who's been screwing all this up? You have got to be kidding me.
给我一副无线电 Give me a radio.
让我告诉你 Let me tell you something.
你在我的百货公司挟持人质 那可是大错特错了 You take hostages in my mall, you are making a big mistake.
你严重低估 You seriously undermissed...
你严重地 And you seriously...
哦，不好 Oh, no!
布拉特? Blart?
糖，糖 Sugar. Sugar.
布拉特?你在那里吗?布拉特 Blart? You there, Blart?
哈罗，布拉特，你在吗? Hello, Blart. You there?
嘿，布拉特！ Hey, Blart!
我正想给你一个时间表 看看你何时要放弃 I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you're gonna give up.
现在如何？ How about now?
我在“绝”与“不”的转角和你碰面 I'll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver.
对，你听到了，绝不 Yeah, you heard me. Never!
好样的，老爸 All right, Dad.
嘿，伙计，你在找我吗? Hey, fellas! You looking for me?
雨林咖啡
来吧、来吧、来吧、来吧 Come on. Come on, come on. Come on.
跟着我 Follow me.
他在这里 There he is.
我们把他困在雨林咖啡 We got him trapped in Rainforest Cafe.
很好，等我一下，我妈总是说 Great. Wait for me. You know, my mom always said,
“如果你想把事情做对 就自己解决他” "If you want something done right, waste the guy yourself. "
我就要这样做，你待在这里 I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here.
跳跃，你守后面 Prancer, take the back.
嘿，你准备去潜水吧 Hey, you. Scuba Dooby-Doo.
嘿、嘿、嘿，可以把密码给我了吗 拜托 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Can I have my codes now, please?
为什么?没有密码就没有开曼群岛? Why? No codes, no Cayman Islands?
看来保罗布拉特胆子颇大的 Looks like Paul Blart turned into quite the badass.
嘿，放轻松 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax.
不 No.
我知道保罗布拉特才没胆昵 One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a badass.
彗星!他没死 你就不必回来 Comet! Don't come back till he's dead!
布鲁克，再解决一个 然后就是我和维克的对决 Brooks. Only one more left. Then it's just me and Veck.
好的，谁在和布拉特说话? Okay, who's talking to Blart?
是你吗？甜嘴妞 Was it you, sugar mouth?
好吧，我们再试一次 All right. Let's try this again.
等等！不！不！不！ Wait! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!
是她的手机，是她，她在和他讲话 It's her phone, it's hers. She's talking to him.
她和他讲话，我要她别说的 电话就藏在她腿下 She's talking to him, and I told her not to. And it's under her leg.
电话在她的右腿下面，没错 The phone. Her right leg. Right there. That's good.
好的 Okay.
真是惊险 That was close.
他是职业歹徒 He is a pro.
听着，布拉特时间到了，我们要冲进去 Listen, Blart, time's up. We're busting in.
等等!维克要信用卡密码我拿到了 Wait! Look, Veck's after the credit-card codes, and I got them.
再给我几分钟 Just give me a few minutes.
没问题 No problem.
还真可爱啊 Isn't that cute?
嘿，艾咪，我在路上了 - 嘿，布拉特 - Hey, Amy. I'm on my way. - Oh, hey, Blart.
哇，我们的史都华小弟刚刚让我看了 Wow. Our boy Stuart just turned me on to your profile
你在寂寞逊咖的档案 on lonelyloser. Com.
“喜欢清晨的雨和沙滩漫步” "Likes morning rain, walks on the beach. "
你是谁?奥莉薇雅细顿强 Who are you, Olivia Newton-John?
只是我的由衷之言 I was just speaking from the heart.
嗯，保罗，我不必上网也知道你喜欢花生糖 Yeah, well, I didn't have to go online, Paul, to know that you love peanut brittle.
你真可悲 You're so pathetic.
相片簿
太棒了 Trippy.
我可以利用这个 This I can use.
你要什么？维克 What do you want, Veck?
我来这里是为了三千万 I just want the $30 million that I came here for.
但也许我可以改成杀了你的梦中女郎，或是你女儿 But, you know, I would settle offing your dream girl, or maybe your daughter.
你敢碰她们一根汗毛，我会让你完蛋 You touch them, I swear I'll end you.
你要怎么做？保罗 What're you gonna do, Paul?
你要扭出左臀，假装自己有把枪 You gonna pull up with your left hip forward giving the illusion that you have a gun,
而你 我都知道你没有 which you and I both know you don't?
- 我可能有 你什么也不能做 - I could. - You're not gonna do squat.
下一次我看到你，保罗我会赏你一颗子弹 The next time I see you, Paul, I'm gonna put a bullet in your head.
我不这么想，我会撂倒你 I don't think so. I'm taking you down.
布拉特 Blart!
哦，布拉特 Oh, Blart.
我的天 Sweet mercy.
但愿我有支球棒，打得你皮开肉绽 看看里面塞了多少糖果 I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out.
- 太紧了!不会发生这种事的 - Too tight! - This is not happening.
不会这样的，来吧 - It's not happening. - Come on.
- 太紧张了!不会发生这种事的 Bravo. That was awesome.
你差点就成功了，保罗就差那么一点点 And you were just so close to making it, too, Paul. Just so close.
- 还没结束呢 不，我认为结束了 - It's not over yet. - Yeah, I think it is.
我现在只需要密码，从你的简讯判断 Now the only thing I need are my codes, which, judging from your text messages,
你已经很贴心地键入密码 这对我真是太方便了 you have been so sweet as to enter them into your phone just for me.
你以为我会带着电话，里面真的存着 You think I'm gonna carry the phone with me that actually contains the...
- 喂?花生布拉特果酱 - Yello? - Peanut Blart and Jelly.
你好吗?老兄，真高兴听见你的声音 What's up, man? So good to hear your voice.
你好吗?老兄，真高兴听见你的声音 Yeah, it's good to hear your voice, too, Pahud.
听着，我等一下回你电话 Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back.
- 什么?何时? 我不知道，晚点再说 - What? When? - I don't know when. I'll talk to you later.
好吧，保罗，回电给我记得回电，保罗! Okay, Paul, call me back! Call me back, Paul!
这真是越来越好了 I mean, this just keeps getting better and better.
你不可能低估的 I mean, you are impossible to underestimate.
我是说，你无法通过州警测验 I mean, you can't pass the trooper exam,
你每20分钟不吃巧克力棒就会晕倒 you black out if you don't have a Snickers bar like every 20 minutes,
你有机会当最佳球员，但是你搞砸了 you had the chance to be the MVP, and you blew it.
你一向都是如此对吧?玛雅 Again, like you always do. Ain't that right, Maya?
你要我说什么?维克你比我聪明 What do you want me to say, Veck? You're smarter than me.
你电脑很行，体重控制得宜 You're good on computers, you kept your weight under control.
人们看到我和你 I mean, people, they look at me and you, and...
对，他们绝对会选你 Yeah, it's a landslide.
根本没得比 It's no contest.
抱歉 Sorry.
现在你是手中有枪的人 Right now, you're the man with the gun.
所以拿去吧 So here you go.
来吧 Come on!
去抓住他 Go get him!
去呀，老爸 Go, Dad.
什么 What...
或许我该加以强调的 Probably should have capitalized on that.
爸 Dad!
员工专用
准备进攻，我们要突击 Lock and load, boys. We're going in.
嘿，我们行动了 Hey, we're on the move.
我们走 Let's go.
闲人勿进
快点，快点 Come on, come on, come on.
保罗，快想想，保罗，快想想 Paul. Think, Paul. Think!
我们走，兄弟们一举攻下这里，抓住嫌犯 Let's go, men. Take it down. Secure the suspects.
卧倒 Get down!
不要开枪!不要开枪 Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
按下，是另一个，那是后面的 Down. The other one. That's the back one.
不，那是同一个，不对是另一个! No, no. That's the same one. No! The other one!
维克抓走我女儿和艾咪 Veck got away with my daughter and Amy.
突击小组，清查百货公司，追捕嫌犯 Entry team, clear the mall. We'll pursue.
警灯 Light.
打开门 Open the door.
我们走 Let's do this.
小詹，把你的手机给我 Jimmy, give me your cell phone.
给你吧，布拉特，你真不是盖的 Gotta hand it to you, Blart. You're really taking care of business.
什么事 What up?
帕胡，你还在用GPS追踪派莉莎的手机吧? Pahud, do you still have GPS on Parisa's cell phone?
你知道我有的，保罗有什么可以效劳的? You know I do, Paul. You know I do. What can I do for you?
我要知道它往哪里走 I need to know where it's headed.
保罗，讯号好像朝麦奎尔机场去了 Paul, it looks like they're on their way to McGuire Airfield.
我知道在哪里，谢了 I know where that is. Thanks.
抓好 Hang on.
他们在那里，小詹，抓住方向盘 My God. There they are. Jimmy, take the wheel.
什么？ What?
我们走，我们走 Here we go! Here we go!
那是我，我不能 That was me. I can't...
我来了!不 Here I go! No!
布拉特 Blart!
别这样做！布拉特 Don't do it! Blart!
布拉特
我的天 Oh, God. Oh, God.
玛雅!玛雅，到里面去 Maya! Maya, get inside.
我的天，爸 - Oh, God! - Dad!
保罗 Paul?
我真的不该喝酒 I really don't drink.
来吧，是吗？ Come on. Oh, yeah?
爸，来啊 - Dad! - Come on.
爸！ Dad!
低血糖是你的致命伤 Man, that hypoglycemia is a killer.
我说过我会撂倒你 I told you I'd take you down.
布拉特 Blart!
真让人印象深刻，没枪也能制伏歹徒 Very impressive, taking down an assailant without a gun.
希望你不介意我用枪 I hope you don't mind if I use one.
什么？ What?
不好，可好了 - Oh, no. - Oh, yeah.
我猜你要飞去开曼群岛咯 I guess it's off to the Cayman Islands then, huh?
等我拿到钱就走 Soon as I get my money.
你会需要这个 Yeah, well, you'll be needing this.
给他就好了，爸 Just give it to him, Dad.
我会的，你去拿啊 Oh, I will. Suck on that!
好，进度回报 Okay. Situation update?
我们抓到七名歹徒，长官 We have seven assailants in custody, sir.
很好，等我回去和他们谈 - 好的，长官 - Great. Nobody talks to them but me. - Yes, sir.
看吧?笨蛋，我不需要电话 You see, jackass? I don't need the phone.
因为他们手臂都写了密码 'Cause I got all the access codes written on their arm.
现在我杀了你们三个，就没有目击者了 Now, I kill you three, there'll be no witnesses.
既然大家都认为这是银行 And since everybody thinks this was a bank...
告诉你最新的消息，你的飞机被取消了 I got a newsflash for you. Your flight's been canceled.
比我收到的任何简讯都好 That's better than anything I got.
你做得很好，老爸 You did good, Dad.
对，我真的很棒 Yeah, I am pretty great.
你知道，她不需要绿卡的 You know, she doesn't need a green card.
我不知该说什么 I don't know what to say.
我有话想告诉你 I have something I want to say to you.
生日快乐，艾咪 Happy birthday, Amy.
你是唯一
生日快乐 艾咪 你像一顿美味餐
你让我饱足 精神的饱足
况且，我不需要解开裤子纽扣，保罗
听说你曾申请当州警 I heard you applied to be a state trooper.
你说过我们将以你为荣 You say the word, my department would be proud to have you.
谢谢你，长官，但我想一想 我还是做我最拿手的 Thank you, sir. But I think I'm gonna stick with what I do best.
就是保护西奥兰治百货的民众 It's protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.