- Da, da - Da, da!
[Slow instrumental music]
¶ ¶
- [Sniffling]
- One minute, people.
- I still have to do touch-ups on Sylvia.
- What are you telling me for?
Where the hell is Sylvia?
- Hi, Iowa. How now, brown cow.
- Hey, Dale?
- Yeah, yeah. How's it going, Josh?
- It's okay. It's okay.
Look, Dale, Sylvia seems to be M.I.A.
- Well, that's not very professional.
- No, no, it's not.
- Damn unprofessional, if you ask me.
- And I agree.
Any idea where she may be?
- Now, how would I know that, Josh, hmm?
I'm not my weather girl's keeper, right?
Right?
- Yeah, it's just that we're on in about 25 seconds,
And I know you and she are close.
So if you have any idea where she may be...
- Josh, my personal life is my business.
Are we clear on that?
[Chuckles]
Are we?
- Sure.
Mary!
- I'm going now.
[Sighs]
Ms. Miller?
Um, Ms. Miller, everybody's waiting,
And we're on in 20 seconds.
She's not answering.
I don't really--
I got her.
[Indistinct conversation]
- Jesus Christ, Sylvia.
- Not cool, Syl.
Not cool.
- All right, we got her.
- All right, ten seconds.
- Rolling at her.
[Theme music]
- This is Seattle Morning
With Dale Waters, Sherry Warren,
And sassy weather girl Sylvia Miller.
- Count it off.
- Five, four...
- three, two...
- [Laughs]
- [Giggles]
- Oh, what a great morning.
- Oh, not too shabby, Dale.
- Good morning, Seattle.
And good morning to you, Sherry.
- Good morning to you, Dale.
- You look great this morning, Sherry.
- Oh, stop it.
You're making me blush.
- No, seriously. - Oh.
- You look great, seriously.
Doesn't she look great?
- Come on, you.
- Let's say hello to our sassy weather girl.
- Mmm.
- Good morning, Sylvia.
- [Laughs sarcastically]
- Did we lose Sylvia? - What?
What's going on? - She's not talking.
- The rain is sure coming down out there, Sylvia.
How long is it gonna go on like this?
- Forever, Dale.
This is Seattle.
In case you haven't noticed,
The weather here sucks.
- [Chuckles]
- Well, I think it's romantic, Dale.
- Go to camera three, please.
- ...A stroll in the rain with your sweetheart.
- Oh, God, shut up.
Shut up, shut up, you squeaky little bitch.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We don't call her
"Our sassy weather girl" for nothing, folks.
Let's go to a commercial. - Okay.
- You know what, Dale?
Before we do that,
There is something that I would like to share
With our viewing audience.
- Well, I don't think that's such a great idea, Sylvia.
- I don't care what you think, you arrogant prick.
In fact, why don't you just sit there
And look stupid.
- [Laughs]
- Whatever you do, do not cut.
Do not cut.
- So this is a little segment that I like to call
"Behind the scenes of Seattle Morning."
- Oh, my God.
- Many of you may not know,
But from the moment that I started working here,
Our seemingly charming cohost Dale Waters
Has been all over me like a cheap suit.
Day after day,
As I stood in front of this stupid map
Repeatedly trying to find new adjectives
To describe the word "Rain"...
- what do I do?
- I've been fighting off the infantile
And often offensive advances of that guy.
That's right, ladies. He's grabby.
- Go to Dale.
- But you know, for a plethora of reasons,
Not the least of which being I am 35, single,
And, um, yeah, occasionally lonely,
I gave in to his advances.
And we had several, you know,
What could only be described as disappointing encounters.
Sorry.
But despite the amateurish sex,
I somehow developed an attachment
To the walking haircut sitting in that chair.
We moved in together
And began to share a boring, stagnant, passionless life.
- What the hell is she doing?
George, help me.
Cut the lighting! - No, no, no, no.
Do not cut anything. This is good tv.
- She has lost her mind.
- That is, until this morning,
When after Dale had already left for the studio,
I found these.
They're not mine.
- You go, Sylvia.
There's our Emmy. This is it.
- Now, these are a pair of panties
That I've unfortunately witnessed
My exhibitionist cohost wearing on several occasions.
How long have you been sleeping with him, Sherry?
- All right, number four to Sherry, please.
- Ah, well put, Sherry.
Well, I am now leaving this stupid, meaningless job,
But before I go,
I just want to say to all of you out there,
For the love of God, read a newspaper.
This is not news.
This is fluff.
This is tidbits for dumb people.
- [Chuckles]
- [Sighs]
On that note, I will say good-bye
To Seattle Morning,
And I will see you all in hell.
- What has she done?
- Wow. Let's do a commercial.
- Go to commercial.
- [Sighs]
That was great.
[Thunder crashes]
[Knock at door]
- [Sobbing]
- Hmm.
- Hey.
- I know you, right?
Wait, I know.
Aren't you that weather girl
Who committed career suicide in a very unsightly way
Before an audience of thousands this morning?
- Oh, God.
- Oh, shit. Okay, come on.
Come on in. It's okay.
Come on. - Oh, oh, God.
What did you do in here? It's--
- You want me to kick his ass?
- Yes. - Really?
- No, it's-- Please, no, don't kick his ass.
- All right, I don't think I could anyway.
You want a drink?
- It's 9:00 in the morning.
Yes.
Oh.
God, oh, wait, can I have a bloody mary?
- Yeah, let me whip that up for you.
I'm going to enjoy an apple martini.
You look like shit.
Oh, that's good.
- Thank you.
- No, I'm serious.
You--You look like shit.
This is, like, you look really, really--
This is, like, the worst I've ever seen you look.
- Okay, is this supposed to be helping me?
- Syl, I'm your brother, and I'm really very fond of you,
But I cannot be okay
With you being this much of a wreck
Over that douche bag from the morning show.
- Hey, can I have, like, five minutes here?
I'm kind of upset.
- I'm trying to help.
- Well, you can help by shutting up.
What's happening here?
- Okay, you know what?
If you want to get all upset over some stupid dude
Who I never liked, then go nuts.
- I am well aware of your opinion, thank you.
- Oh, well, then I guess I don't have to say,
"I told you so"
Because I already did, like, 50 times.
I mean, this guy's an idiot,
And my big sister's a wreck because of him.
It's embarrassing.
- God, you are such an idiot.
Okay, it's not just him.
It's everything.
Two years, we were together.
Okay, two years.
We--We lived together.
We bought furniture together.
We talked about kids' names.
And where am I now?
I--
I'm 35 years old.
I have no job, no insurance,
No apartment,
$1,500 in a savings account,
A car that I couldn't afford payments on when I was employed,
And, um, what else don't I have?
Oh, you know what else I don't have?
I don't have a boyfriend.
- Tell me about this savings account.
- I don't know what I'm doing.
What I'm going to do?
It's like I'm starting all over again.
Oh, my God.
I have to start all over again.
Oh, God, I'm such an idiot.
Why didn't I stick around?
I could have hung around and gotten a job
Or looked for an apartment or something.
- Yeah, that's a great idea.
Just hang out and pretend that you don't know
Dale's doing his cohost, a much better option.
- I'm just trying to be rational.
- God, you're so full of shit.
Let me just share with you one of your qualities.
All right?
You couldn't be rational
At the cost of your pride for anything.
You did just what you should have done
And also conveniently what you had to do
Because of your love of conflict.
- I don't love conflict.
- It's your crack.
Now, shut up.
You're going to stay here.
You're going to get a job,
And everything's going to be okay, okay?
- You think so?
- Yeah, why not?
- Okay.
- Well, I think we should cut his balls off.
- Can you say that any louder?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I embarrassing you?
I was trying to be supportive of my friend.
- Are you saying I'm not?
- I'm saying that maybe
Making passive-aggressive comments
And trying to undermine me like you always do
Is not the best way to help Sylvia.
- I undermine you?
When have I ever undermine--
- I don't know why I'm here.
I don't feel like being out tonight.
Why did I go out tonight?
I should be at home.
I should be at home, sitting on the couch,
Eating ice cream, and watching old movies or something.
- What you need is a cocktail and your girlfriends.
- Yes.
- Hey, weather girl. - Hi.
- Dale is such an asshole.
You go, girl.
- Who says, "You go, girl"?
- Okay, yeah, no, I need another drink.
- Honey, let me tell you something.
I am so proud of what you did today.
- Yeah, me too.
- You did exactly what I would have done.
- Me too.
- Gave it to him in front of everyone.
- And the bitch. - The mousy bitch.
- There is no way that frail little bitch is good in bed.
No way.
- Well, thanks, you guys.
You know, I didn't plan it.
It just sort of-- Blah, happened.
- So what are you going to do now, love?
- Uh, send out my resume, I guess.
- Oh, a weather girl resume?
What? She's a weather girl.
- I'm a broadcast journalist, Jane.
- Jesus, Jane, she's a broadcast journalist.
What is wrong with you?
- I made a mistake.
- Look, there are four other local news stations
With morning, afternoon,
And nighttime news programs, right?
So there's got to be something out there, I think.
- Mm. - Mm-Hmm.
- Oh, incoming.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Excuse me for interrupting.
My friends and I over there, we had a bet.
Are you that chick
That totally lost her shit on that news guy?
[Bottle fizzes]
- [Gasps]
Jesus christ.
- No, Byron, actually.
- Who are you?
- I'm Byron.
- And why are you here?
- I'm a friend of Walt's.
- What?
Wha-Wha-What is that?
- Oh, that's you, actually.
- What am I...
what am I doing on the computer?
- Uh, you're freaking out.
Here, it's actually my favorite part.
- But despite the amateurish sex,
I somehow developed an attachment
To the walking haircut sitting in that chair.
- [Chuckles]
I'm sorry.
I love it when you call him a haircut.
I don't know why.
- Why--Why am I on there?
- You're everywhere.
You're on a bunch of film sites.
I mean, just alone today
I've gotten ten emails from people,
And only one of them was from Walt.
- Wait, Walt sent this to you?
- Yeah, Walt and others.
[Door clicks open]
Hey, Walt.
- Hey.
- Hey, Walt.
- Hey.
What?
I didn't do anything.
Hey! Ow!
What--
- Get in there.
- What are you--Why are you tugging on me?
- I am on the internet.
- Well, yeah.
It was a pretty funny breakdown.
People like seeing others lose it.
- I did not lose it.
- Okay.
- And who is this person?
- Byron.
- Byron, okay, well,
I don't think that Byron should be here right now.
I'm kind of in a delicate state.
[Knocking at door]
Oh, my God. - Yo.
Hey, uh, you brought the beer in here?
- Oh, shit, sorry.
Look, I don't get it.
You just went out with all your friends.
Now you're all too distraught for visitors?
- Excuse me.
Hi, we are kind of in the middle of something here.
A little private, so...
- did you really sleep with that Dale guy?
I mean, why would you do that?
- I know, right?
- You're way too hot for him.
- Who is this person?
- Byron. What...?
- Byron.
It's just an opinion.
Um, do you guys want this door closed?
Okay. - Thank you.
- Yeah--
- Really?
- Okay, look, I know you've had a rough day.
I'm sorry, but stop being a bitch, okay?
This is my place, and that's my friend,
And we're going to hang out and play some music.
You want to hang out? Rad.
You don't, there's a coffee shop down the street.
My house, my rules, missy.
- I cannot believe how callous you're being.
- [Sighs]
Yes, you can.
Oh.
There it is.
[Guitar twanging]
Good.
- Oh, listen to that one.
Ooh.
Both: [Wailing]
- High "c." High "c!"
High "c."
Middle "c" - Middle "c."
- High "c."
[Laughter]
- Walt, shut up!
My God.
[Boys singing]
- Whoa.
[Zipper whirs]
- Whoa!
God.
- God, it's late! - Jesus!
- Turn that light off.
- You scared the shit out of me.
What are you doing?
- I'm trying to sleep.
- No, I'm sleeping in here.
You're sleeping on the couch.
- Are you out of your mind?
This is my bed.
- Well, I'm not sleeping in here with you.
- Why not?
- Because it's gross.
Because you're my brother.
And I don't want you rolling over here
In the middle of the night and touching me.
It's disturbing.
- Oh, well, I'm sorry you find me so repulsive.
There's a sleeping bag in the closet.
- Listen to me.
I've had a really, really shitty day, okay?
And I haven't been sleeping at all
Because you and creepy have been playing
In your little band--
- Jamming!
- Oh, my God, okay. Jamming.
- Whoa, no, don't--Don't--Don't--
Don't condescend to me, Syl.
Don't call it "A little band."
- Why are you being such a dick?
I just want to get some sleep.
- Oh, my God, I'm not sleeping on the couch
'Cause you don't want to share the bed with me.
- Fine, I'm gonna sleep on the couch.
- Fine by me.
- Fine.
- Oh, what? No, no.
Not cool.
No.
Ah, you asshole.
- I'll take that.
- Ow!
[Car horns honking]
- Oh, God.
Oh!
God!
[Groans]
- Wow. - Ooh?
- You couldn't do that again in a million years.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- Ouch, ow.
Yeah, that smarts when you hit your knee like that.
- Don't you have a home?
- Yeah, I live across the hall.
- Don't you sleep?
- Not much.
- Okay, why are you here?
- I build websites.
My computer is busted.
So I told Walt that if he let me use his,
I'll give him a cut of the profits.
It's kind of a win-win situation.
Brought you a coffee.
- Well, do you have to be here all the time?
- Yeah, I have a strong work ethic.
It's a vanilla latte.
You strike me like a vanilla latte type.
- Aren't you insightful.
Thank you.
- So do you want to go out with me sometime?
- [Coughs] sorry.
- Too soon?
- Um, yes.
Um, yeah, I've been single for 26 hours.
So it's a little bit too soon.
- Well, the offer is on the table.
- Okay.
- So what's next for you?
- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?
I mean, are you gonna get another job?
You know, a tv job or something else,
And what about a place?
I mean, are you gonna find your own place eventually?
'Cause let's face it.
Your brother's great, but he's a little bit messy.
How long can you live with him, right?
And then, what about your stuff?
You got all that stuff at your ex-boyfriend's place.
The haircut, I mean, you gonna let him keep it?
What are you gonna do with it?
You gonna move it into storage,
Or are you gonna move it in here?
Although, I have no idea where you'd put it.
It's pretty crammed.
And then you've got your wardrobe,
Got these power suit weather girl things.
You're gonna need to probably do something about that--
- Okay, you have to stop talking.
You're making my head hurt.
- You haven't thought about this stuff.
- No, I haven't thought about this stuff.
So I don't need you talking about all the things
That I haven't thought about
Because I haven't thought about them yet.
- I'm sorry.
- I just woke up here. - I know.
- And you're freaking me out.
- Didn't mean to.
- Well, you did.
- You know, you're really attractive
When you get all riled up.
- Will you stop flirting with me?
- Okay, but you might want to put some pants on,
Because I can't be held responsible for what I'm saying
When you're not wearing any pants.
It's just distracting.
- God.
- The kneesocks, though, I love it.
- Okay.
Situation: not good.
You need to fix this immediately.
You are a smart, capable woman.
And what you need-- Oh, you know what you need?
You need to make a list.
You need to make a list of priorities
On how to get your life together.
You can do this.
You are strong.
You need something to write on.
Okay, I need some post-it notes.
What?
What are you looking at?
Do I have something on my face?
- Sis, are you familiar with a device called a dvr?
- This isn't a good idea.
- What do you mean, like, tivo?
- Tivo.
- I would back off. She's fragile.
- We can digitally record a program
And then watch it at our convenience.
Now, I've done exactly that with today's Seattle Morning.
- Why? - Fallout.
- We thought there might be some fallout.
- Yeah, I know.
- You may want to sit down here.
- Oh, my God. - Byron.
- No, no-no-no. I don't want to do it.
- You must.
- Go, Byron, go.
- And now I feel we owe our viewers an apology.
- Well, I think you're right, Dale.
- Yesterday, one of our Seattle Morning team members
Had a bit of a, well,
I guess you could call it an episode.
- An episode. She did.
- Oh, I don't like her at all.
- She made a spectacle of herself.
She talked about things
That are a bit of a no-no on morning television,
And she used some terrible language.
- Well, we have kids watching.
- It's a morning show.
Families watch us.
They trust us.
We let them down.
- We sure did.
- Oh, stop it. - Sorry.
- She also made some pretty terrible accusations
Against you, Dale.
- Ah, yeah, she did. She did.
It's true, but I can take care of myself.
Those kids out there,
They can't take care of themselves yet,
And that's where we failed them.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm not going to sit here and defend myself,
My manhood, against someone who...
- and here he goes.
- To say the least, is frankly unstable.
- I would say that. I would say that.
Well, you know what?
I think that I speak for all of Seattle Morning
When I say, good for you, Dale.
Good for you.
- Thanks, Sherry.
You out there, our friends,
Our neighbors,
We're sorry, Seattle.
We hope that we haven't lost your trust.
- Oh, Seattle.
- The end.
[Jazzy percussive music]
¶ ¶
- Think he's home?
- Oh, I know he's home.
It's time for his after-show nap.
- Okay, your sister is so hot.
- Dude.
This place is gay.
Up and at 'em, dickhead.
- Oh, my God!
- Whoa, whoa, Sylvia.
What are you doing here?
- What is she doing here?
- Oh, you guys are already napping together.
That is so precious.
- Hi, asshole.
- Wow, this is a great apartment.
- Oh, it's not an apartment.
It's a condo.
- Oh, my God. They're gonna kill us.
- Yeah, that's right.
We're all part of an elite hit squad.
- I'm Walt, Sylvia's brother.
Remember me?
We've met maybe ten times.
- Yeah, I do.
Hi, Walt. How are you?
- Huh. - I want my things, Dale.
And I'm gonna take them.
- You can take your clothes, Sylvia,
But I won't be taken advantage of.
- Oh. - Hmm.
- What did you say?
- That probably wasn't very smart, Dale.
- You're not gonna be taken advantage of?
- Badly worded, really. - Exactly.
- You son of a bitch.
- Oh, shit! - [Screams]
- Taken advantage of?
- She's crazy!
- Stop interrupting, Sherry.
Stop talking. I don't want to hurt you.
How long have you been sleeping around behind my back, Dale?
- That's pretty cool, actually.
- How much of a fool did I look like for you?
You think that I'm fucking taking advantage?
- Hands off the anchorpeople.
Be nice. Play nice. Play nice.
- What's up?
- I am taking everything I ever spent a penny on
Out of this apartment.
If you try to stop me,
I swear to God, I will claw your eyes out.
Do you understand me?
Every single thing.
- What? This is it?
- This is all your stuff.
- I thought I had more stuff.
- It's kind of a hollow victory, isn't it?
- Okay, shut up, Walt, all right?
Can we go, please?
- Sylvia.
Can I talk to you for a second?
You just tried to kill me in there.
The least you could do is talk to me for a minute.
- Go ahead, you guys.
Go.
- All right.
[Grunts]
On the knees.
- What?
- This is not all my fault.
- Oh, please.
- No, "Oh, please" you, Sylvia.
"Oh, please" you.
Okay.
I made love to another woman.
I broke the rules.
Sorry.
But you pushed me to it.
- I pushed you to it?
How did-- How did I do that?
- You never loved me.
You never let me in.
You never respected me.
I was okay for a time,
But you never stooped so low
As to really allow yourself to have feelings for me.
I'm flesh and blood, Sylvia.
I want someone to want me as much as I want them.
You're cold,
Sylvia.
You are cold.
And that's why I did what I did.
- Said he only slept with her because I didn't love him,
And he said that I was cold.
Can you believe that?
Guys?
I mean, isn't that the craziest thing you've ever heard?
That I'm cold?
- Well...
- oh, my God.
- You do sometimes have a little trouble
Letting people in.
- I never thought you really loved him.
- Oh, my God. Me neither.
- I don't think she's been in love since I've known her.
- What about the lawyer?
- You mean the one she just stopped calling?
- Oh, right.
- That guy was the most boring guy on the planet.
- But he was a lawyer.
You could have given him a chance.
- I don't believe this.
Are you telling me that I'm cold?
- No. - No.
- Honey, no. You--You just--
- Maybe it's just difficult
For you to think of loving someone.
- You've got walls. - You do.
Oh, oh, my God. Brainstorm. Charles.
Both: Charles.
- Oh, my God. That's so crazy.
It just might work.
- Sylvia, he is perfect for you, practically perfect.
He is very nice.
- Yeah, I don't think that I'm ready to date.
- He works out at our gym.
- Yeah, he used to date maureen. - You know maureen.
- Loud and stupid. - Big girl.
- Yeah, but they're so done now.
- Yeah.
- You guys are crazy.
I just broke up with Dale, like, yesterday.
- Okay, perhaps you think you have nothing but time.
- You don't.
- You don't, Sylvia.
You're in your late 30s. - Mid 30s.
- You have a tiny window remaining.
- Charles is an accountant.
He's stable.
He's not gay, and he's not not attractive.
- Not not attractive.
- This is your future you're playing with.
- Yes, also a perfect opportunity
To warm up that cold shoulder.
- It wouldn't hurt if Dale heard you were dating.
- No, wouldn't hurt at all.
Look, if you want to spend your few remaining moments
As an attractive middle-aged woman being picky, go ahead.
- Middle-aged?
We are the same age.
- Yeah, and I'm married,
And Jane's in a serious relationship with a future.
And we both have careers and ira accounts
And our own apartments.
- And I'm actually only 34.
- Okay, look, all I'm saying is that we're in the major leagues,
And you just got knocked back to the minors.
- Is that a sports reference?
- I know, right? I just came up with that.
- Look at that.
- Oh, shit, I got to go pick up my kids.
- Oh, oh, God. I've got pilates.
- Um, I will call Charles and give him the rundown.
- I will email him your picture.
Sylvia, he is gonna love you, really.
- Did you valet? - Totally.
- Bye, Syl. - Okay.
- Bye. - Okay.
- Be strong, baby, yeah?
Bye, honey.
Wait a sec. Wait a sec.
[Car horns honking]
- So as you can see from my resume,
I've been working in television since graduating college.
And you know, I've done a little bit of everything
From reporting to color stories, you know, whatever.
Why--Why--Why are you looking at me like that?
- You really lost it on that morning show, didn't you?
I mean, you freaked out.
My staff loves it.
We watch it all the time.
Dale Waters, what an asshole.
- Everybody in Seattle television
Knows Dale's an asshole.
Hell, I slept with him once
After some local journalist dinner.
You were certainly right about his disappointing performance.
Real high school stuff.
- ¶ argue about the things ¶
¶ I should have left behind ¶
- Hmm.
- Hey, yeah, tracy,
What was it that sassy weather girl called Dale Waters?
- Oh, grabby.
- Grabby.
I bet he is.
What an asshole.
- ¶ dream up muddy river ¶
¶ underneath the drowsy moon ¶
- So you blew the television gig,
And now you want to get into radio?
- Well, I have an open mind.
- Ah, isn't that big of you.
- ¶ past grocery stores ¶
- I love that you ripped that guy apart.
I really do.
Dale Waters is just south of retarded.
Here's the problem.
My anchors are assholes too,
And what's to keep you from ripping them apart?
- Yeah.
- Look, I feel for you.
But I don't know what I can do.
You're a joke.
If I put you on my staff, that makes me a joke.
Hey, bill.
And I'm no joke.
Okay, give me the numbers.
- Ah, okay. Well, we...
[Dog barking]
[Siren blares]
- [Sniffling]
[Truck beeping]
[Jackhammer buzzing]
- Oh, Walt, stop it.
You're hurting my neck.
- Say you suck. Say it!
- You suck!
No!
- Hey, kids.
What's going on?
- Look, look what she did.
She moved my bed out here.
She's taking my room.
- Yeah, I know. I helped her move it.
- You--You--You helped her move?
Why does she get the room?
- Walt, she's a girl.
- [Muffled] I'm a girl.
- You brought my best friend into this?
You suck. You best--
- You're such an idiot.
I gave you back your bed.
- I live here, okay?
You can't just move all my shit around in my apartment.
- This is a temporary situation.
- It doesn't matter, okay?
I'm not a little kid anymore.
You can't push me around.
- This is a much better arrangement, Walt.
- Says you.
I have got a system here, you know?
- God, we have to live together.
- Okay, this is a temporary situation.
You should be out getting a fucking job,
Not rearranging my furniture.
- I have been looking all week long.
- Oh, yeah. How did it go?
What?
- Well, it was awful, Byron, actually.
Every single person who looks at me sees weather girl.
Everybody's calling me sassy,
And I swear to God, if one more person does it,
I'm gonna fucking lose it.
I-I-lookit. I am trying, okay?
I don't like crowding your life any more than you do.
- Well, you got to try harder.
- Really? Oh, okay, thank you, Walt.
- Lower your standards.
It's a tough job market.
- That's true.
It is.
- I have a college education.
- Join the club.
- I've had a coveted television job in a class iI market.
- And you lost it.
- Oh, my God. Why are you being such a dick?
- 'Cause you're acting like a spoiled brat.
I went to college too, Syl.
You know, I'm a temp.
Byron here went to grad school,
And he's renting my computer to build websites.
- Philosophy major.
- Just grow up, Syl. Grow up.
This is the world.
We don't always get to do what we want to do.
- [Scoffs]
- Oh, yeah, just go and hang out in my room.
[Acoustic guitar music]
¶ ¶
- So you don't have much experience.
- Well, in college...
- yeah, well, that was a long time ago.
- It--Yeah, it's like riding a bike.
- No, it's not.
All right, sally.
I'm gonna take a chance on you.
Don't make me regret it.
- It's--Sylvia.
- What?
- My name is Sylvia.
- Yeah, well, we do the name tag thing tomorrow
Before your shift, okay?
There's an order to things.
- [Mouthing words]
- Got a process here.
All right.
This is your apron.
What are you doing?
This is your responsibility.
If you lose it, you have to buy the next one.
And they're not cheap.
Take it.
- Oh, right.
- Okay, show up tomorrow with a wine key
And no less than five pens.
I do a staff check first thing, all right?
And I shit you negative.
You show up without that wine key
And less than five pens,
And I will send you home.
Of this you can be sure.
Simpatico?
- Yes.
- Atta girl.
- Hmm.
- You get me some more coffee.
- Hey.
She here?
- Bathroom.
Listen, can I be a dick?
Kind of get into your business for a second?
- You don't know anything about brothers and sisters, Byron.
- Okay, yes, granted, I am an only child.
I know nothing.
- Exactly.
- But as an only child,
I've always kind of envied this whole sibling thing
That you have going on, you know?
This whole sister thing's kind of cool.
She-- It's this whole other person
That kind of knows everything about you.
She's been there for all of these
Really important moments in your life,
These rearing moments.
And you know, I think that it's a pretty important relationship
That--
- Byron.
- Okay, listen,
I'm not questioning your love
For your sister here at all, okay?
I'm in absolute reverence of it,
But the fact is, she's a girl.
No, she's a girl that just got dumped, okay?
Maybe cut her a little slack.
- Shut up, dude.
- Fair enough.
- I think Byron's got a thing for you.
- Yeah, I know.
He told me.
- What are you, uh,
What are you all done up for?
- Well, I have a date.
I got a job today,
And you know, I thought i'd treat myself.
- Treat yourself?
Who are you going to treat yourself with?
- You're gonna make Byron jealous.
[Knocking at door]
- Go.
- Byron!
- Right now. Right now.
- Oh, I got her.
- Oh, God, Walt!
Ow!
- Yes?
- Uh, is Sylvia here?
- Sylvia? Hmm.
And who can I tell her is calling?
- Charles. - Ow. Ow. Ow.
- Charles, you sure?
- Get off of me.
- Sylvia, Charles is here.
- Charles is here! Charles!
I am Walt, Sylvia's brother and guardian.
I have heard so much about you.
- She just raves on and on.
- We hear you are quite the lover.
- Top drawer, old man. Top drawer.
- Stop it.
Hi, Charles, sorry.
I'm Sylvia. Nice to meet you.
Pay no attention to the morons in the doorway.
[Sighing]
- It's, uh, nice to meet you too, Sylvia.
Wow, you are just as beautiful as you are on tv.
- Mm, isn't she just?
- Just an image of loveliness.
- Let's go.
- Hey, don't you get fresh with her, now.
No means no, suit man.
- Who was that guy?
- Hmm.
Fire escape?
- Fire escape.
- I'm so sorry about them up there.
- Oh, that's okay.
Men like to bust each others' balls on occasion,
But you know, I can dish it out myself.
- Oh, I bet.
- So this is me.
She's a beauty, isn't she?
- Charles, can I just say nice ride?
Classy yet understated.
- What's the gas mileage on something like that?
I'm just curious because you know
That we do have a responsibility to the planet.
- You know what? You know what?
Cut him some slack, Byron.
That thing's a pussy magnet, am I right, huh?
- Can we go, please?
- Charles, buddy, am I right?
Those seats have seen a little action.
- He's being coy. Come on.
- Oh, there it is. - All right.
- Who let the dog out?
- "Who let the dog out"?
- So is it weird to be a celebrity?
- Oh, I'm not really a celebrity.
- You totally are.
I mean, look, it's like everyone here is staring at us.
We're just, you know...
gives me goose pimples.
- Okay.
- So what would you like to do next?
Talk show?
Talk show.
I bet you would be great in that.
Um, uh, like the, uh, like the--The Sally Jessy
But--But you know, hot.
[Laughter]
- I don't know.
You know, I'm sort of exploring my options right now, I guess.
- Can I be honest with you about something?
- Sure.
- Emily told me about your walls.
- M-M-My walls? What?
- The walls built around this.
Right here.
Well, well, guess what?
Guess what, kid?
I've got them too.
And they are tall and, you know, made of stone.
But, uh, since I met you, Sylvia,
You have torn down my walls.
- Oh. [Stammers]
I didn't mean to.
- You know, and I think
I see that yours are tumbling as well.
Am I right?
Okay, okay, okay.
Let's just--Let's just get down to business, Sylvia.
I want to fast-track this thing.
I want a family:
A wife, two kids, a boy and a girl,
Lucius and ariel.
I want to sell my townhouse and get a real home,
A home with a woman's touch.
- Okay, now you're just scaring me.
- Yeah, that's-- That's what I'm saying.
I'm saying, you know, the future is scary.
But not if you've got someone to hold.
Okay, what I need is someone to complement me.
I want my friends to look at my girl
And say, "Whoa, look at that hot babe with the 'c' man."
Yeah, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know,
I think we might be looking for different things, Charles.
- [Chuckles]
Let's not be coy here.
Neither one of us are kids.
I know what I want, and I'm putting it out there.
Do you know what you want?
- Hey.
- [Gasps]
Jesus.
Again?
- Sorry.
Good date?
- [Sighs]
Well, yeah, he did propose.
He's also probably the creepiest person on the planet, so...
- that's so weird.
I mean, it seemed like you guys were such a good match.
So did the two of you do it?
- [Giggles]
No.
All right, I am going to bed.
- I don't get it.
- Get what?
- I mean, I just don't get how you could go out
On some dumb date with some dumb guy
When it's so clear that I have a thing for you.
I mean, if you want to, you know,
Get married or move in with someone
Then you're probably barking up the wrong tree,
But I do think I'm a pretty good rebound guy.
- Mm, and you are offering your services to me.
- Yeah, something like that.
But I just think that I am exactly what you need
At this crossroads in your life.
- Do you?
Wow, you're really fond of yourself, aren't you?
- Oh, come on. Give me a break.
You're in love with yourself.
You think you might be,
Like, the most awesome person ever.
- Okay, how old are you?
- 30.
Next year.
- Hmm, okay, well,
Let me tell you something, 30 next year.
You don't know me.
You don't know anything about me,
And you certainly don't know what I need in my life.
- Mm-Hmm.
You know what I like about you best?
- I don't care.
- You're difficult.
- Oh.
- And you're very sexy
But in this foreign film kind of way
With the angles and the attitude.
I dig it.
- [Sighs]
Go home, Byron.
[Door clatters open]
You know, you don't not have a point.
- Everybody needs a rebound guy.
- I mean, you know, why do I need
To audition men for it when I know exactly what I need?
- That is exactly my point.
- Somebody who's uncomplicated, convenient,
Totally wrong for me, and somebody who I could never
In, like, a million years have any real feelings for.
- Except for the ravenous animal attraction.
- No obligations. No complications.
No expectations.
- That's pretty much how I live my life.
So...
- okay, um, raise your right hand.
- Raise?
Okay.
- Okay, repeat after me.
I, Byron...
- oh, wow, you don't even know my last name?
Okay, that's great.
- I, Byron, promise to never fall in love with Sylvia,
No matter how awesome she may be.
- I, Byron, promise that if one of us breaks this deal,
It's not gonna be me.
- Oh, it's not gonna be me.
- Yes, it is. - No, it's not.
- Yep.
- Okay, you gonna kiss me, or you gonna be clever?
- I'm going to kiss you.
- Okay, soon, you think?
- I'm just building the tension--
- Oh, my God.
- ¶ let's have some fun ¶
¶ you can make, make, make, make ¶
[Metal crashes]
- Wow, okay.
[Objects crashing]
Wait, hold on, okay.
[Loud crashing]
[Sighing]
Okay, there's-- Whoa, uh.
- Oh. - Hmm.
- Oh, no.
- That looks really uncomfortable.
- We can go back in there. - Okay.
- Let me take this off.
[Cabinet thuds]
[Objects clattering]
When did I start wanting you?
- My guess is that you probably always wanted me
And that you just forgot.
- I don't really think so.
- It's just at theory, really.
Yeah, there.
Unbutton, unbutton.
- I can't. Help me.
- There.
- Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
- Wait, what?
- Don't tell Walt, okay?
- What?
- Oh, seriously, that's another condition.
You can't tell Walt.
- What are you talking about?
You want me to lie to my best friend?
I can't, no, come on.
- What? No, I'm lying to my brother.
- Totally, totally not the same thing at all.
No, no, I'm sorry.
I can't do that.
I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- What?
- Okay.
That's a shame.
- Yeah.
This could have been fun.
- Could have.
- Probably would have been.
- I think so, yeah.
- [Sighs]
Well, uh, I hope things don't get weird after this.
- Well, nothing happened, so...
- yeah, I'm sure.
Yeah, except that, but whatever.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, sweet dreams.
- Okay.
- Not telling him isn't necessarily lying.
- It's like an omission.
- Totally different thing. - Totally different.
- Come here.
- ¶ dit, dit, ditty now hit and run ¶
¶ you can dit, dit, ditty until I'm done ¶
¶ come along dit, ditty ¶
¶ till the boy's a broken thing ¶
- Oh, my God.
Okay, you two ready?
- Yeah.
- I think I'll have the--
- It's you.
Arthur, it's her.
- Her who?
- Her, sassy weather girl, right?
It's you, isn't it?
Sylvia, what is it? Velasquez?
- Uh, no. My name is Margot.
- Ah.
Name tag says, "Sylvia."
[Laughter]
- You are so busted.
- Sorry.
Oh, this is what you're doing now, huh?
That is really sad.
- So what can I get you folks?
- You couldn't get a job anywhere else?
- Well, it's not like there aren't a million people
Who can read the weather section
And then ramble on about it on some morning show.
- Arthur. - I mean, come on.
It's not exactly hard-hitting journalism or anything.
- Well...sorry.
- Damn it.
- I am so sorry.
- You did that on purpose.
- Oh, no, I did not do that on--
I am hurt by that accusation.
- No, you're sassy.
Duh, everybody says so,
And that was a very sassy thing for you to do.
- You know, why don't I just get you guys a new server?
- Yeah, why don't you?
- Great, sassy.
Unbelievable.
- Oh, smoking.
- Oh. - Oh, whatever.
Do over. Do over.
- Advantage, Byron.
- It's just-- It's a flick of the wrist.
- Down in front.
- It's a flick of the wrist, and it's just--
- Oh, it's a save.
- See that's-- And that's what happens.
- You know what?
- That's what happens when you don't practice.
That's what happens when you don't practice.
- Point.
- Serve. - Serve it.
- Oh, just lob it up there for me.
- Just shove it down your throat.
- A little side...
um, hey, I'm-- I'm just gonna--
I'm gonna be right back.
Keep working on it, though.
- Yeah, knock yourself out.
Service.
[Video game chimes]
Point.
[Dishes clattering]
- Excuse me.
Okay, what do we have here?
Okay, guys, wait, table 21.
We still need the soup.
- Yeah, bonita.
Te amo.
- Sylvia, quiero hacerte el amor todo el dia.
- No, hombre, necesita un hombre como yo.
- Para eso me tiene a mi. ¿Verdad, mi amor?
Va a ser mio ese culi--
- Okay, give me my soup.
- Ay, quiere su sopa... cremosa, cremosa.
- Oh, my God.
[Laughter]
The kitchen staff hates me.
- Of course they do.
- I'm sure they don't hate you.
- They probably do.
- They talk dirty to me in spanish.
- Oh, yeah? Is it hot?
Wait, no.
I don't want to know.
- But don't you speak spanish?
- I don't want them to know that.
- Why not?
- 'Cause then they'll want to talk all the time.
- No.
Yeah.
- Snob.
- I am a snob.
- No.
You're a work in progress.
- Think I can be a secret agent?
Both: no.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
Hey, guys, table 12's still waiting on their chicken.
- AquI tengo tu pollo, guerita.
- Okay.
¿Donde diablos esta mI pollo?
[Laughter]
A semester in college.
- Habla español, la guerita.
- It's not bad, right?
- It's okay.
- Hey.
- Hi.
We got to hurry up.
Walt's coming home in a half hour.
- [Scoffs]
Have you noticed how much sex we're having?
- Is that a problem?
- No, of course not.
I love sex.
I'm glad that you love sex as much as I love sex
Because i, certainly, I do.
I love sex.
- Well, let's look at it objectively.
I have a shitty job.
Mooch off my brother.
I have no place to call my own.
Pretty much, my life sucks.
So sex is the only thing I have to look forward to.
It's pretty much the only thing good in my life.
- Wow. - Yeah, right?
Too bad it's with an emotionally unavailable,
Financially devoid, peter pan syndrome,
Rock star wannabe 12-Year-Old.
- Ouch.
- Yeah, but the sex is really good.
- That is true.
[Keys jingling]
- Oh, what the fuck!
[Screams] oh, fuck!
What? Oh!
Fuck! That's my sister, man!
Come on, what the hell are you--
Oh, oh, come on.
That's my--I'm fucking blind.
I'm fucking--I'm just-- I'm blind.
I'm gonna have that image burned into my brain for life.
What are you-- This is my living room!
I live in this room!
What's--Ah. We--Oh!
Fuck!
So how long has this been going on?
- A while. - Not long.
- I see.
And you didn't feel this was pertinent information to share?
- What I do is none of your business, Walt.
- Interesting.
Because that was my bed that you were fornicating on,
And that was my friend with which you were fornicating.
Huh.
- Look, Walt.
I am sorry that I didn't tell you, man.
I'm sorry.
- I am so not even talking to you yet.
Look, Byron's my friend,
And now the only reason he comes over here
Is to see you.
- That is not true.
- Hey, the big kids are talking.
I don't know if you've noticed,
But I don't really have an abundance of friends.
All right, so if you fuck up my only friendship,
I'm going to be pissed.
- No friendships are getting ruined, okay?
It's not like that.
- And you, what exactly are your intentions toward my sister?
'Cause if you haven't noticed,
She's kind of in a vulnerable place.
- Oh, my God, Walt.
- Okay, my intentions are honorable.
- There are no intentions.
We're just messing around.
There is no commitment, no emotions.
We're just two friends who are sleeping together.
- [Clears throat]
Right.
- Yeah, that always works.
Good luck with that.
- Paul.
Juan.
Ah, Sylvia.
- Putos impuestos.
La pinche miseria que me pagas, ¿y luego me quitas la mitad?
Vayanse al pinche diablo.
- What did he say?
- Uh, he's just upset about the taxes.
- Yeah, well, that's the price you pay
For living in the best damn country in the world, amigo.
- Eres una rata sucia, hija de la chingada.
- What? What is he saying?
- Son of a bitch. What?
I can't live off of this.
- Well, maybe you should pick up
A couple more shifts, princess, huh?
You got a one top out there.
- Wait, no, we're closed.
J.D., juan already shut down the grill.
- We are open till I say we're closed.
Okay, and we are still open.
Get your one top.
- La odio.
- Esa, esa no tiene madre.
- Yes, that's exactly what it is.
[Romantic piano music]
¶ ¶
- Hey.
What are you doing here?
- Well, first of all...
- flower for me.
- Yeah, I picked them myself.
- From the vase on the table.
- No idea what you're talking about.
So listen, you want to go on a date with me?
- A date with you.
- A date with me.
- Well, you know, I still have to do my side work and stuff,
And I'm kind of tired.
- Oh, yeah, no.
I'm sorry.
Side work, of course.
Okay, in that case,
Then I'm going to start with the cheese sticks.
I hear they're really great here.
And then maybe just a filet mignon, no onions,
Well-Done.
You know, I really like to slow cook it, the juice.
And then for dessert, you know,
I'm gonna hold off on dessert.
See how I feel afterwards.
Probably gonna be a brulee, but I don't know.
It might be a baked alaska at this point.
Suzette, wow, I don't know.
We'll figure that out after.
Or you could just go on a date with me.
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Okay. - Okay.
- I'll wait here.
- Okay.
[Acoustic guitar music]
- Yeah, but what I love to do
Is imagine the two of you as kids.
- Oh, yeah?
And how does that work out?
- Well, it's pretty funny actually,
Because, you know, you, you're very cute,
But you've got this vicious mean streak.
- Mean streak?
- Oh, yeah, totally mean.
Yeah, messing with the toys.
You got the--You're still cute.
You got the pigtails.
- What about Walt?
He's the mean one.
- No, Walt I have trouble imagining as a kid.
- Okay, he was really, really ugly,
And he had this huge head.
It was like-- He looked like a Walt puppet.
- Well, I mean, he still has a pretty big head.
You're going to need to show me pictures of that, though.
- No, no pictures.
- Oh, come on.
You can't tease me with the big head
And then not give me any evidence.
You call your mom right now,
And you tell her to send pictures down.
I need evidence of big head stat.
- Okay, so, uh...
this is one of those things where I'm going to say something
And you're going to feel like an asshole,
But don't feel like an asshole, okay?
- Okay.
No promises.
- My mom's dead.
- I am an asshole.
- No, you're not.
Well, you know, it was cancer.
I was 14.
- Listen, I am so sorry.
- No, that's okay.
I've had a lot of time to get used to it.
It's fine.
- Wait, so your dad raised you?
- No, no.
My dad was a son of a bitch.
He didn't raise anybody.
He just sort of sat around on the couch drinking
And cashing unemployment checks.
No, so Walt and I pretty much raised ourselves.
- Huh.
- Yeah, weird, huh?
So what, is that the,
"Huh, now I know why she's so screwed up?
"Deadbeat dad, dead mother.
It explains why she's such a nut."
- No.
That's the, "huh, I'm wondering why my best friend
Never told me any of this stuff."
- Well, you know, we don't really talk about it that much.
- Well, just for the record,
You're really not that screwed up, like, at all.
Sorry.
- Well, maybe you're not seeing that clearly.
- Maybe.
- You know, I could draw a picture of the big head.
Probably wouldn't do it justice, though.
- No, a drawing, that's good.
Yeah, have that on my desk by the morning.
- Okay.
[Romantic guitar music]
¶ ¶
- I feel it is my duty
To inform you that it is not raining.
- I did take note of that.
- I thought you might.
You are a professional, after--
You were a professional.
- No, I still am.
- Sylvia?
- Shit.
Hey, guy-- Hey, you guys.
- Hi.
- What are you doing on this side of town?
- Oh, having dinner.
So who's your friend?
- Byron. - I know.
- I'm Byron.
- Yes, uh, these are my friends Emily and Jane.
- Hi, Emily and Jane.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Nice to meet you, Byron.
- Nice to meet you.
- So are you who Sylvia's been spending all her time with?
- She's practically fallen off this planet.
- Yeah. - I've been working a lot.
- Oh, yeah, how's the restaurant?
- Uh...
it's fine, you know.
It's fine.
- Do you work at the restaurant too, Byron?
- No, no.
- No, he's a friend of Walt's.
- Walt.
- Walt, my-my brother, Walt.
- Her brother.
- Oh, oh, right, of course.
Sorry. Walt.
- So how old are you, Byron?
- Emily.
- Is that a weird question?
- 25?
- Or, like, 24?
- 23?
- 29.
It's actually--
- Oh. - Yeah.
- Great, higher than--
- Older than--right.
- We were saying.
- Yeah.
I'm not that young, I guess.
- We thought you were...
- well, this is kind of awkward.
- Oh, no, my gosh. - What?
- No, mm-mm. - I don't think--
- No, I'm okay.
- Just me, I guess.
- [Sighs]
[Chuckling]
- All right, well, it was great seeing you.
- Oh, so good.
- It was good.
I'm glad that we ran into you here of all places.
- So okay, it was great.
W-What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- Okay, well, it certainly looks like something to me.
- All right.
- Okay, great.
- Okay, we'll see you guys soon.
- Yeah. - Okay, bye.
- Bye-Bye, Byron.
Oh, God, that sounds silly.
"Bye-bye, Byron."
Oh, it's funny, right?
- Yeah, it does.
Okay, walk away now.
- Oh, yeah, okay. Bye.
- Bye-Bye.
- Bye.
So those were my friends.
- Yeah, that sucks.
[Thunder crashes]
And it's raining.
- Yeah.
- So, Sylvia,
How's it going?
- I am living the dream, irving.
- Yeah, so we've worked together for quite a while now.
- Five fun-filled weeks.
- I think it's time we stop playing these little games.
- What games are we playing, irving?
- The one where you pretend you're not into me.
I pretend not to notice your lust-filled gazes.
- Oh.
- I mean, we're both, you know, mature, sexual beings.
I say it's time we stop torturing ourselves
And you know, give into our animal nature.
- Yeah, I'm on my break, irving.
- I mean, sure, you're--
You're a little bit older than anybody else here,
But you know, I'm cool with that.
I'm down with that.
I mean, you could--
- [Gagging]
- You could probably teach me some shit.
- God, I am on my break.
- [Coughing]
- Okay, here we go. Come on.
It's okay. Here we go.
- The guy is choking. Oh, my God.
- [Splutters]
- There you go.
Oh!
Sorry.
[Applause]
- Here it is.
"Sassy weather girl saves the day."
- Move it.
- I really hate that "Sassy" thing.
- Look, you're sassy. Just accept it.
- So sassy.
- Wait, do I look fat in that?
I think I look fat in that.
- No, you look great. Look at you.
- Hello, yeah.
Hey, fat girl.
Go back to that part where she drops him.
That's my favorite.
- Um, what? At the end?
- Shit.
- What? - I knew it.
You like her.
I knew this was going to happen.
- Come on, man, I told you.
I don't like her.
This is a casual thing.
- Whatever, man.
You gonna tell her?
- Tell her what?
- Look, you better tell her,
'Cause she's rolled up the window.
- The window?
What are you even talking about?
- The window is up.
And you're on that side of it.
Look, I know her, man.
You can't break through the window.
That shit's bulletproof.
She has to roll it down.
The only way she's going to do that
Is if you tell her you dig her.
- Bulletproof, huh?
- Of course, the problem is, if you tell her you dig her
And she doesn't want to roll down the window,
She'll cut off the sex.
Having a casual relationship
With someone who has emotions is messy, man.
- Stop, all right? I don't like her.
I don't want her to roll down her window.
I don't even want to get into her metaphorical car, okay?
Leave it alone.
- Yeah, that's it, good.
That's good.
Throw a little fit there. Good for you.
You know that's exactly what she wants to avoid
By rolling up the window in the first place.
Way to fall into her trap.
- You--
[Door clicks open]
- What? What's the matter?
- First off, Sylvia,
I just want to thank you for coming in this morning.
I know it must be a bit awkward.
- Well, yeah, but, uh, couldn't stay away, you know?
Curiosity and all that.
- Right, right, right, right.
So let's get down to brass tacks.
We have rerun your last show four times
In the six weeks you've been gone.
And the ratings have gotten better every time.
It is all over the internet
And so is that video of you, by the way,
Saving the man from choking.
Everybody seems to know the sassy weather girl.
- God, you've got to be kidding me.
- No, no, no, we get letters, phone calls applauding you,
And--Hey, Josh!
Shut that off.
Our viewers love you more than ever before.
They say you've got verve.
Let me hear you say it.
- Verve.
- Say it louder. - Ver--Okay.
- That's what you got, babe.
And that's what they want to see.
Well, and we're going into sweeps.
- So what?
You want me to come back to my old job?
- No, no, not your old job.
No, your old job, you popped in every 15 minutes.
No, mmm, we want you to coanchor.
- Coanchor?
- You and Dale.
- Oh, no, no. I can't--
- Yes, yes, come.
Yes, yes, no, see?
That's--That's the hook, babe.
That's what everybody wants to see:
You two going back and forth going at it.
And you can say anything you want.
In fact, we want you to.
- What about the mousy bitch?
- Who?
- Mousy bitch.
- Mm, mm.
That mousy bitch.
Well, since she and Dale broke up,
She's become increasingly difficult.
If you ask me, between you and me,
I think the heifer's drinking.
- Really? - Mm.
Really.
- Huh.
- Are you coming back?
- Does that idea scare you?
- No, actually, I suggested it.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, I miss you.
I know it sounds corny, but I do.
- Well, I haven't given fitz my answer yet,
But somehow it doesn't seem like the best idea ever.
- Well, maybe we could get together.
We could talk.
Maybe we could have dinner.
Maybe I could calm some fears.
- Are you asking me on a date?
- If you want it to be.
If not, a dinner between colleagues,
A business dinner.
- Dale?
Daley?
Oh, oh, lookee here.
Two lovebirds reu-Fucking-Nited.
- Sherry, go back in your dressing room.
- Oh, sorry, first you dump me,
And now you think you can tell me what to do?
Well, I got news for you, asshole.
You're not the boss of me.
I'm going to what I want to do and when I want it.
Hi, Sylvia.
- Hey, Sherry.
- I guess you think this is karma, huh?
- No, I didn't-- I didn't think that.
- The mousy bitch gets hers in the end, am I right?
"Oh, no."
Makes perfect sense to me.
Hey, Dale, you want to see my impression of Sylvia?
"Hi, I'm Sylvia.
"I have a psychotic episode on live television.
"I used some terrible, foul language,
"And I described a sex act on a morning tv show.
"I'm very, very mean to stupid Sherry,
"And I call her really hurtful names
"That just might remind her of some stuff from childhood,
"And then when sweeps comes around,
I take her job."
Oh, and this is my favorite one.
"The man I emasculated in front of millions of Seattleites
Starts wanting me back."
How the fuck does that happen?
I mean, that doesn't make any sense.
Unless I'm being punished by a God.
Oh, you guys think God's mad at me?
- No, I doubt it.
- Oh, shut up!
Bullshit! You don't know!
So you guys are getting back together, huh?
That's...
[Screams]
[Head thunks]
My face hurts.
- We'll take care of you, ma'am.
- I love you.
Can you grab my water bottle?
- No, ma'am.
- But it's right there.
- No.
- W-W-Why?
But it's important for me to stay hydrated.
- Well, I would just like to congratulate you
On another dramatic ending
To another romantic relationship.
- Who's your manager?
- Well, at least this time
She didn't want to kill me.
She wanted to kill you.
- Details.
- I need it!
- You never responded to my dinner invitation.
- You're doing what?
- Stop saying that.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just having a hard time with the logic here.
- They are offering me a raise, and I get to coanchor.
You know what that means, Walt?
It means I get to deliver the news.
Real news, not just the weather.
I mean, you know, I still have to do the weather,
But I get to do other stuff too now.
- All of that for the rock-Bottom price of your soul.
- Would you stop being so dramatic?
- Will you stop being such a sellout?
- Walt.
- Sylvia, they fired you with prejudice.
- They did not fire me.
I quit. - Oh.
- Look, this is a real job,
One where I never have to touch
Dirty dishes or leftover food again.
And if I take it, there's a signing bonus,
Which means I get to find my own place immediately
And pay you back all the money I owe you.
- I don't want your dirty money.
I want you to have some goddamn self-respect.
- God, you are so self-important.
- Think about what you're doing.
- I want a life, Walt, okay?
I am a 35-Year-Old woman,
And I'm living like a college freshman.
I have no money.
I am waiting tables.
I have a roommate.
And I am sleeping with the guy across the hall.
Don't you talk to me about self-respect, Walt.
I'm doing this because I deserve better.
- Oh, is that why you're going on a date
With the guy who cheated on you and broke your heart?
- It is not a date.
It is a business dinner with a colleague.
- Shut up!
- And I think "Broke your heart"
Is overdoing it a bit, don't you think?
- You know what?
I'm just going to say this, and then I'm walking.
- Oh, I highly doubt that.
- Oh, I'm walking
Just as soon as I say this one thing.
You ready? - What?
- You ready? - What?
- Mom would be really disappointed in you.
That's right.
I invoked mom.
- Mom would be really disappointed in me?
Is that what you said?
- Yeah, that's what I said.
- Oh.
Well, that's interesting, Walt,
Considering that mom worked
Until she could barely stand up from the pain
While our father sat on the couch all day
Doing nothing but pass judgments.
Wait a minute.
Who else does that, Walt?
Let me think--Uh-oh.
You know who else does that? You do that, Walt.
So while I may be a huge disappointment to our mother,
I take solace in the fact
That wherever that son of a bitch is,
He is probably really proud
Of the fine young man you've become.
- [Scoffs]
Okay.
You do whatever you want to do, Sylvia.
[Glass shatters]
- Shit.
- Hey.
- I just talked to Walt.
Are you okay?
- Yeah. No, I'm fine, thanks.
It's just, you know.
You know me and Walt. We're always bickering.
- Yeah, that didn't sound like bickering.
- Um, well, I'm kind of running late, so...
- right, so you're going back to the morning show?
- Considering it.
- And the guy?
You're, uh, you're gonna go out with him?
- Mm-Hmm.
- The haircut?
- Yeah, I--Can we talk about this later, please?
- Yeah, well, you will have already gone out with him later,
So that talk will be moot.
- Byron, don't act like this, okay?
- Act like this?
Act like what?
I'm not acting. You're acting.
I'm just reacting here.
- We had a deal, remember?
We--No emotions.
No commitment, right?
We're just-- We've been having fun.
- Yeah, I remember the deal.
You don't have to tell me what the deal is
'Cause I remember it, so...
- so what's the problem?
- It's not a problem.
The problem is that
That deal was made, like, forever ago.
Right?
I mean, this was before we knew each other
And before we spent all this time together,
And--And--And we liked each other, and we had fun,
And--And it was before
I picked you that stupid flower off the table.
Hey, hey.
We have a good thing here.
I like you.
I don't want you to see anybody else.
I just--I thought that we had kind of moved past the deal.
- Well, um...
I haven't felt that-- I haven't felt that way.
- Oh, uh, well...
that's different.
- Look, Byron, listen, I...
- no, um, I was mistaken.
[Laughs]
Um, God, I just--
I feel so not cool right now.
I should go.
- Listen to me.
Byron, I--Look, I like you a lot.
I do. I just--
We're too different, you know?
And I need to be with a grown-Up.
- Right.
Somebody not me.
That's okay.
But I think that we should stop talking now.
Good luck on your date, though.
- Sylvia?
- Yeah?
- Oh, God, hi, sorry.
Yes, please.
[Wine splashes]
Thank you.
- Where are you?
- I'm here.
I just, you know, I have a lot on my mind.
That's all.
- Yeah, I'll bet.
I'll bet you're overwhelmed.
I know certainly am.
- Is that right?
- Feel like I've been given a second chance at happiness.
- Wow, forgive me if I don't swoon.
- [Chuckles]
I'm serious.
I'm very serious.
Sherry-- Sherry taught me something.
She brought perspective.
Sherry's, um, she's just a girl.
You're a woman.
And you're the one for me.
- Well, I'm glad dating
A psychotic, obsessive, self-loathing alcoholic
Made you appreciate what we had.
- Listen, I know this, okay?
I'm a fool.
But I'm trying to make it right.
- Wait, no.
Oh, God, what am I doing?
- You're right.
You're right.
Let's take it slow.
I'll be here when you're ready.
I'm not going to screw it up this time.
- She took the job.
Got a big bonus. New apartment.
- Okay.
[Acoustic guitar music]
¶ ¶
- Sorry, man.
- ¶ never seen you at your wit's end ¶
¶ but I forced you there ¶
¶ and then hoped you'd find your way back to me ¶
¶ promises were made to you ¶
¶ I never meant to lie ¶
¶ I just never made them true ¶
¶ ¶
¶ this heart loves you ¶
¶ this heart breaks for you ¶
¶ my heart hates what it has put yours through ¶
¶ by beating only when it has to ¶
¶ it's just not enough, I know ¶
¶ but I've loved you more than I could show ¶
¶ ¶
- Finally got paid.
- Yeah?
Oh, this is too much.
- No, it's right.
- Shit, cool.
You okay?
- [Groans]
I'm kind of hooked on her, man.
- Yeah, I know.
- I just don't get it.
I mean, this has never happened to me before.
Girls usually like me.
- So what are you gonna do about it?
- Well, I've started drinking heavily.
What, man?
What do you want me to do?
Am I supposed to go out and run out into the rain
And declare my undying love and devotion?
Yeah, why don't I make it just a little more awkward?
You know what?
She knows.
What am I supposed to say?
You know, "Hey, Sylvia, um,
I'm into you."
And then she'll say,
"Um, Byron, I thought we already talked about this.
I told you that I'm not that into you."
And then I'll be, like, "No, no, no, no, no,
"You don't get it.
I'm really, really into you."
And then she'll be, like, "Oh, my God.
"I-I totally didn't even realize what you were saying before.
"I was so confused, but now, now I get it
"Because now that you've told me
"That you're really, really into me,
"Now that I have that little piece of information,
"Everything changes.
"I have all these feelings for you,
"And all of a sudden,
I am so totally really, really into you too, wow."
- Whatever.
- No, "Whatever" you, dude.
What am I supposed to do?
She chose the tool, okay?
That's what she wants.
You know what?
She wants the money and the security
And the grown-Upness,
And I don't have any of it, all right?
And you know that.
And I wish you would stop pushing me into it
Just so you could watch me go down in flames.
- You know what?
If you don't take it as far as you can go,
You don't deserve her.
All right?
Do you love her?
- What difference does that make, man?
- Do you love her?
Don't be a pussy, just tell me.
Do you love her?
[Romantic music]
¶ ¶
[Knocking at door]
- Knock, knock.
- Another flower.
- Oh, you look amazing.
- Thanks.
I don't feel it.
- Yeah, just nerves.
You get like this before every show.
You know that, always have.
- Yeah, no, I know.
You're right.
- I know I'm right.
I'm not always right.
One thing I do know is you.
I know you.
I'm so glad you're back in my life, Sylvia.
I love you.
You know that.
- Well, isn't this cute?
- I'll see you out there, kid.
Hey, Walt.
- Dickhead.
- Nice, Walt. Really classy.
- Oh, I'm supposed to be nice to him now?
I mean, just 'cause you're a complete idiot,
I don't know why I have to be.
- Great, my brother's trying to pick a fight with me
Moments before I go on live television.
- Goddamn right; your brother dragged his ass up at 5:00 A.M.
So he could come tell you what an asshole you're being.
- Walt, don't start.
- I'm started, all right?
What are you doing here, huh? What?
Why did you take this job back?
Why are you letting the guy who cheated on you
Kiss your head?
- God, stop it.
Don't even try to be the moral authority with me, Walt.
I know you. - And I know you.
- Sylvia, you're on in two minutes.
- Okay.
- Look, you know, if you really wanted Dale the asshole,
You wouldn't be feeling so gross about all this.
- God, this is my life here, Walt.
- Come on. That's why I'm here, Syl.
- Sylvia, I'm sorry.
We really need you.
- You know what?
Just mind your business, all right?
Look, I love you,
And I'm trying to stop you from making a huge mistake here.
You're not this girl, okay?
You don't get bought off to return to a job
That you never liked.
You don't go back with the guy who cheated on you,
And you don't let the one guy you ever really cared about
Get away because he's not rich enough.
That's not you.
That's-- That's sassy weather girl.
I hate her, and--And so do you.
And hey, I'm--
I'm sorry I said that thing about mom.
You know, it's-- It's not true.
- No, I know.
And you're not like dad at all.
I don't-- It was just mean.
Sorry.
- Thanks.
[Mellow music]
¶ ¶
- I got her.
- Okay.
- Cutting it a little close, aren't we?
- Makeup, clear. Get out of there.
Clear frame. She's fine.
Come on.
- Here we go. - Here we go.
- Rolling header.
- Welcome to the all-new Seattle Morning
With your hosts, Dale Waters
And sassy Sylvia Miller.
Rise and shine
And get ready for the sparks to fly.
- All cameras ready?
- Getting ready to do countdown.
- Four, three--
- Remember, don't step on me.
[Laughs]
Good morning, Seattle.
I am so glad you tuned in today,
Because we have a very, very special show.
Today we welcome back
A member of our Seattle Morning family
And someone very special to me.
And even though I'm probably in for it,
We are so glad to have you back, Sylvia.
Go ahead, Sylvia.
Come on.
Hit me with that acidic tongue of yours.
I can take it.
What?
Cat got your tongue?
[Meows]
Boy, that's a first.
Okay, look, why don't we take a break.
We'll go to commercial, come right back,
And we'll be right here--
- You know, Dale, returning to Seattle Morning
Is rather bittersweet.
- Really?
- Really, Dale.
I mean, on the one hand,
I get to return to a demeaning position
Where my job is to giggle and look attractive
And trivialize the day's news.
On the other hand,
I get to sit next to a self-important prick
Who believes himself to be God's gift to women.
I'm referring to you, Dale.
- I figured.
- Okay, I just want to be clear.
So let me just set you and the station
And our viewing audience straight on a few things.
First of all, my title, "Sassy weather girl,"
Is inaccurate.
I am not a girl.
I am a woman.
And I really hate the word "Sassy."
It's stupid.
- Uh, go in tight on Dale.
- I mean, yes, I have an attitude,
But wouldn't you,
If you had to listen to Dale Waters all day?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We have a real responsibility to deliver the news here--
- Shut up, Dale.
I am not finished.
You know, there was a time not too long ago
Where you sat here and apologized for me
And my behavior.
And now it's my turn.
- Go in tighter.
- I am sorry,
Not for freaking out then and not for freaking out now,
But for selling out, for coming back here,
For even considering dating this horribly inadequate man.
When I--When I got the offer to come back here,
I compromised all of my ideals,
And I left behind the only people who stood by me.
These friends were honest with me
And wanted what I should have:
To be better than I was.
They saw me as more than just a sassy weather girl,
And I blew them off,
And I rationalized it all,
And I am ashamed of myself,
And I'm sorry.
Dale, you were right.
I never loved you.
I mean, I loved the idea of you,
But the truth is, we have nothing in common.
- Well, that was subtle.
- Well, that's how I roll.
- Some would describe it as sassy.
- Okay, no, it's-- No.
- Like, I'm-- I'm proud of you, you know?
- Thank you.
- And you can crash with me again,
You know, now that you're unemployed again.
- Yes, that would be good.
I have a huge signing bonus to repay.
I could use a place to stay for a while.
- Great.
You know, you couldn't possibly ruin my social life
Any more than you already have, so...
- you're a good brother.
- I'm just trying to stop you from ruining the family name.
- Could you have one serious moment?
- No.
- Okay.
- Hey.
Um, hi.
Hey, Walt.
- Hey, Byron.
- Okay, uh, Sylvia,
I really need to talk to you,
And it's kind of important
And potentially very embarrassing for me, so...
- hey, I'll just wait outside, then.
- Good. Thank you.
- Cool.
- Hi.
- Hi, um...
I've been thinking a lot, okay?
I've been thinking a lot about you and me,
And I'm thinking that I just need to come out and tell you
How I feel about--
- I'm sorry.
I was such an idiot.
Look, the truth is,
I really, really, really like you.
I didn't mean to, but I do.
And you mean more to me than a rich guy
Or a grown-up guy or a guy with a job--
- I have a job.
- No, I know you do.
And that's not--
The point is, I--
You mean more to me than all of those things.
I think that, um...
no, I do.
I love you, okay?
I love you.
What do you think?
- You--You fully just stole my moment.
- What? - No, I'm serious.
I was ready to come down here
And throw all my chips on the table, you know?
Prepare to go down in flames,
And then you go ahead, and you steal the whole thing.
You make that cool-- Cool little speech,
And then I'm left standing here like an asshole.
- Well, you could make a speech if you want.
- And follow that?
That was a great speech.
I can't follow that.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
- So what do you think?
- I kind of feel the, um--
I love you too.
- You do?
- You know I do.
Now, look, I am going to grab you,
And I am going to kiss you.
- Okay. - Okay?
And I am going to take the lead,
And you are gonna let me.
Here it comes.
All right.
- You can do that now. - Okay.
- In all, 15 peoples died in that horrible crash.
And I'm sure everyone here thinks that--
That that is terrible.
I mean, I'll keep a thought in my heart
For, uh, those poor people-- Family.
- What a prick.
Go to commercial.
[Rock music]
¶ ¶
- ¶ it's true ¶
¶ what they say ¶
¶ the only way to live right is with your life ¶
¶ holding on just prolongs the bad times ¶
¶ and oh, you deserve the good fight ¶
¶ and oh, it could be tonight ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ arms open wide ¶
¶ and you could have it all ¶
¶ but your back's up against the wall ¶
¶ even as king there is compromising ¶
¶ ¶
¶ you, you said ¶
¶ the dreams she had never see the future ¶
¶ self-defeating actions make you want her ¶
¶ and oh, the party can't be over ¶
¶ and oh, you gotta deliver, deliver ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ arms open wide ¶
¶ and you could have it all ¶
¶ but your back's up against the wall ¶
¶ even as king there is compromising ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ arms open wide ¶
¶ and you could have it all ¶
¶ but your back's up against the wall ¶
¶ even as king there is compromising ¶
[Scatting]