This programme contains some strong language.
APPLAUSE
I rest my case!
That was shocking, that!
I expected a big explosion there.
They must be left over from Bonfire Night, them.
I used to love Bonfire Night.
Me and our Julie and my mum used to stand in't back kitchen
with our cagoules on, you know.
Mum would turn the light off so we could get
the "full effect".
And we used to have sparklers, used to light them in the gas fire,
stick them in between the bars.
And then when they light, ooh, run outside quick!
So you can write your name... Pe-ter.
"Pe-ter."
"Our Julie."
And me dad would be outside with a tin,
giving it...
Wit' readers.
This one's called the Tornado.
FEEBLE WOOMPH
This one's called the Volcano.
Jesus Christ!
Nee-oo.
This one's called the Whistling Gypsy.
Great BLEEPnames they had. Traffic Lights used to go red
and green, then just fall over - what traffic lights do that?
Putting rockets in sterilised milk bottles.
Used to do that.
Do they still do sterilised milk?
Do they?
I don't think they do, do they?
What, at 't back shop?
At offy? Do they do sterilised milk at offy?
I remember me mum used to send me for sterilised milk,
used to have to go and that. And a Fry's Five Centre,
that were me mum's treat. "Get me a Fry's Five Centre."
Quarter of Midget Gems for me dad.
And a Walnut Whip. And our off-licence sold everything.
And I mean everything.
You could go in at quarter to two in the morning and get a canoe.
I'd be going in once, going, "How are things, Tony?"
"Well, not so bad, you know, I'm still pissing blood.
"Diabetes, you know."
"Fair enough.
"I'll have a bottle of sterilised milk, please."
Here, stick your drink in there.
Watch yourself. It doesn't fit all cups. Don't force it...
Ah!
You're having a laugh!
I'm so sorry!
I'm... I'm mortified, John, I am mor...
It's not a good start, is it?
No, it's not a good start, not at all.
Not at all a good start.
Oh, what is it?
Red Bull, is it Red Bull? Fennel?
No... Sweet-and-sour, it smells of sweet-and-sour, what is it?
It's just a sample.
A sample, a sample of what?
My urine.
It's in my mouth!
I've got your piss in my mouth!
I'm so sorry! What is happening?
Why have you got a sample in that?
That's why it's called a sample, you put it in a sample pot, love,
you don't put it in a pop bottle with a sports top.
I'm sorry, I had no choice. Our Kieran's taken my funnel to Basra.
Oh...
Oh, too much. Oh, my God, I stink.
Now that explains the sweet-and-sour, doesn't it?
You dirty...
I'm not dirty, thank you very much, John.
I use a funnel for hygiene reasons so it doesn't get on my hands.
Do I really want to know that?
It's all right for you, you can just aim.
40 minutes I've squatted through Daybreak.
Oh, my God, I don't believe this.
Turn around. I'll go back and I'll dry your shirt in my drier.
I've no time for that.
I've got an appraisal at half nine with Dave Thompson
and I walk in stinking like a gents' piss stones.
Playing out, playing out.
Play in some sand that the council have left.
Oh, you've got them fly things,
them fly things you used to hang on your front door.
Do you remember them? The strips of plastic?
Yellow, red, green and blue.
They never kept flies out, they kept flies in.
Did you ever maypole with them?
In your mum's high heels?
I didn't, like. Some lads did.
Just sort that out right now.
Maypoling.
Stop! They are not for maypoling,
they are for keeping flies out of the house.
Ah, shut up, Mum.
High heels.
Mum, I'm stuck.
Mum.
Dad, I'm st...
You're 19! You want to go out and get a job!
# Through the wind and rain
PHONE RINGS
# Is this the way to Amarillo? #
Come on, come on, come on. # ..I've been hugging my pillow
# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo
# And sweet Marie who waits for me... #
Come on, sing along.
# Show me the way to Amarillo
# I've been weeping like a willow
# Crying over Amarillo
# And sweet Marie who waits for me. #
What are they doing?
HONK HONK
# Sha-la-la, la-la, la-la, la
# And Marie who waits for me... #
Key change.
# Sha-la-la, la-la, la-la, la... #
Who have we got in tonight?
Yes! Go on, my friend.
That's it, straight from work.
Surprised you didn't fly here with them ears.
Who else have we got?
Oh, I see TV's Cheggers has put on a bit of weight.
Look at him.
What's he seeing over there?
I hope it's not a murder.
Who else have we got?
Jack Frost is here an' all.
Jack Frost off duty. It's a crime scene.
Nobody move.
Over here. Everybody is happy.
Oh, Nicolas Cage is in.
Star of The Rock and The Wicker Man.
He's having a good time.
Who have we got over here? Give us a wave, come on.
Oh, shut your legs, you dirty rascal.
What's the matter with you, man? Bloody hellfire.
Got Sharon Stone's dad in the front row here.
What about back here?
Oh, look at these two.
What have we got here? Two little sparklers.
Morning. What is that?
Whatever it is, it just winked at me, love.
Oh, it's a bottle.
Careful you don't lose it, love.
Look at them behind you. She is not impressed.
She is thinking, "Sit down, the pair of you."
Everyone around you is not amused.
Sit down now, that's it. Rein it in. You can peak too soon.
Hiya, Nan.
There you go.
I see Jeremy Clarkson is in tonight.
Hi, Jeremy.
Don't upset anybody.
What about back here? Who have we got back here?
Oh, whoa, whoa, what has he seen?
What has he seen?
Trouble with a capital T.
What time do you call this?
It is 8.17, mother of God.
Disgrace. Where have you been?
Where have you been?
What have you been doing?
Eh? Driving?
Oh, now he's caught a train.
Where are you sat? Where are you sat?
Oh, you've come in the wrong bloody door.
You're all the way over there.
Come on, get a move on, I'm going to run out of film, man.
Where are they sat?
Let him get his torch out.
What are they doing? Look at this.
This will teach you for dogging.
Where have they gone now?
I've lost them.
Ah, here they are. Here they are.
Mum and daughter aren't amused, but Dr Seuss, he's loving it.
This is like Hampton Court maze, this.
Finally! Finally.
Now, make them feel very welcome in that area.
That's it, lovely.
At Clear Vista Windows,
we are shattering prices on our UPVC windows and doors.
And smashing the cost of our cosy conservatories...
Did you? Did I what?
Run the world.
GUNSHOT
Hey, hey!
You nearly killed me. Shut up, you soft bastard.
Put another one on the wall.
Here you are.
Gently does it. Just hold it.
I know what I'm doing. It's like a lady.Yes, I know.
Just hold it. Relax your wrist. Max, I know how to shoot a gun.
It's a broom handle Mauser, it's not a gun.
Max, I know what I'm doing. It's all right, go on.
GUNSHOT
SCREAMING
AGONISED SCREAMS
Why do mums buy crap pop?
Why?
Why do they buy it?
They go to the supermarket on Friday night, do the Friday big shop.
They come back.
They never buy... Rola Cola.
Rola Cola.
Never Coca-Cola or Pepsi,
Rola Cola, Panda Cola, or Stripe Cola or Freeway Cola.
Eight litres for 40p.
Crap pop. Shit pop you don't want.
"Get it drunk." I'm not drinking it. "Get it drunk."
I'm not drinking it, Mum, I wouldn't mop the drains out with it, it's crap.
"Get it drunk." I'm not drinking it.
It's horrible. It's too big an' all, it won't even go in t'fridge.
It's too big. Look, won't go in.
Not only is it crap, it's warm as well.
Warm crap pop, we've got 18 litres of this shit here.
We don't want no more, stop bringing it home, will you?
Stop bringing it home!
"It only cost 40p." I know, but it tastes rotten.
It's not cola, that. It's horrible.
"There are children starving in Ethiopia."
Send it to 'em!
They'll send it back.
They won't drink it, it's crap pop.
Once, I'd had enough, it's banging my head.
"Mum," I'm battering my mind.
I said, "Mum, drink it your f...ing self."
I woke up.
Casualty.
On a drip filled with Rola Cola.
A bar of soap hanging out of me mouth.
RADIO: Our station, your music.
Together forever.
This is Forever FM.
SILENCE ON RADIO
Oh...
MUSIC FADES IN AND OUT
Oh, what a balls-up!
SONG STARTS AGAIN Did that happen live on air?
Yeah. Someone's going to get sacked.
What a balls-up.
MUSIC: Everybody Wants To Rule The World by Tears For Fears
This song has never aged.
Never aged.
BOTH SING: # Welcome to your life
# There's no turning back... #
It hasn't.
# Even while we sleep
# We will find you
# Acting on your best behaviour
# Turn your back on Mother Nature
# Everybody wants to rule the world... #
Then they had two black lads dancing, in that video.
And he was wearing high-waisted jeans.
I used to watch it all the time in the pub in town.
They used to have a video jukebox. In the pub?
Yeah.
I must have only been about two.
Pound a video, it were.
Used to be packed, everyone wanted a go on it.
And they had a mechanical bull for a few weeks.
What?
I lost my virginity on one of those.
You what?
What did you say?
Hang on a minute.
You lost your virginity on a mechanical bull?
Blinking hell, what speed were it on?
Fast enough.
What did you tell me that for, now?
I didn't really. Yeah.
It was a buckaroo.
A buckaroo?I'm just talking silly, I don't mean it.
I bloody hope it weren't a buckaroo.
Hope they didn't give it to a jumble after that.
A couple of buckets missing.
Want an ice lolly. "We'll make our own."
Get the ice cube tray from the top of t'freezer.
Come on, we'll make Rola Cola cubes.
Rola Cola cubes.
Mmmm!
We made one out of bleach one year and almost killed my sister, I remember that.
That were her own fault.
No, because...
No, there's a reason, right?
No, because we had a sale outside in the front street.
You know you have a sale and you put a blanket down,
like a duvet, and you have a sale outside your house?
She's tried selling me Stretch Armstrong for 38p.
I'd only had two stretches of it since Christmas.
Sat there with a price tag around his neck.
Magnadoodle.
Look-In annuals.
Millennium Falcon. There were nowt wrong with that, right?
Me Evil Knievel were out there. They're all out, right?
Do you ever have... And girls used to make rose perfume.
Did you ever do that?
Did you ever do that? Rose perfume.
Did you do that?
Get an empty bottle of Rola Cola, this is what you do.
Fill it up full of water, right, and put rose petals in it.
And then sell it!
I bet the Avon lady were shitting herself, weren't she?
Here we go, I'm going to play you a song now.
I want the title of the song, not the artist.
OK, remember that. The title of the song, not the artist.
Here we go.
# It's a kind of magic... #
Put it down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. ALL SHOUT IN PROTEST
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey! What you doing, man?
Here we go. Now remember, I want the name of the song,
not the artist.
Here we go. Try this on for size.
# Young at heart... # Shit! Hang on, whoa, whoa...
Not again!Let's play this properly.
Hey, hey!
Get with the programme, dickhead.
Trying to win some lager.
# Watching in slow motion
# As you turn around and say... #
MUSIC STOPS ALL SING: # Take my breath away... #
Me nan is fantastic.
At 90 in December, she's still in her warden-controlled flat,
she loves it there.
She's got a red rope hanging from the ceiling in the front room still,
for emergencies.
She only pulled it once when she had a wasp in her front room.
"Everything all right, Mrs Kay?"
"It's not, I've a wasp here flying around.
"He's a big bugger, he's like a Zeppelin.
"He's got a cock and balls on him now, he's that big, this wasp."
She broke her wrist, me nan.
She fell in town outside Farmfoods and she got up...
What's funny about that?
Where do you get your kicks, casualty?
She come home with two bags of shopping, went to the bus station,
got the bus home, walked back to her flat
with two bags of shopping. This is a different generation, this.
This is cast iron. I'm lying on the bedroom floor thinking I'm Christopher Reeve
cos I've fallen over a bloody shoe.
She rings me up. "Peter, you better come up, I think I broke me wrist."
Think?! BLEEPthumb's on t'wrong way.
I'm like, what are you on about? It's like The Fly.
I said, "Nan, I'm on my way up now.
"Have you got any ice? Put some ice on it."
"Oh, ice, hang on."
I could hear her banging about in t'freezer.
"I've no ice, I've no ice."
"Have you any frozen peas?"
"Frozen peas. I've got tinned."
No, you can't put tinned peas on a broken wrist.
They're always falling over in their flats.
She said, "Did I tell you about Lena falling over and breaking a hip?"
"No."
"Lena, she's fallen over and broke her hip.
"Doctor's got her on 'penee-cillin'."
"What?" "He's got her on 'penee-cillin'."
"Penee-cillin" is what she's on.
She's great with her words, me nan.
"I'm going to try some of that orgasmic veg, I am."
Took her McDonald's, "What do you want?" "I don't like McDonald's."
"I know, but I'm bloody starving and we're here now, so just pick something.
"It's up there on that menu."
"Oh, I don't know, I'll have...
"I'll have a whiffy, I'll try one of them whiffys."
Wi-Fi, Wi-Fi...
"They're free, I'll have two if they're free, two free whiffys.
"Let's try them, a couple of whiffys."
"Peter, will you slow down, your driving's a bit erotic."
"You must think I'm going bloody sea lion."
She's quite technically-minded though, she's...
"Can you get on that Face Tube and talk to your friends?
"Face Tube, they're all on that now, Face Tube, Peter."
She's got a VD player, a Thigh Pod, she calls it a Thigh Pod.
"Where's th'iPod?
"Where's th'iPod?" I give it her for Christmas,
she thought it were a cassette, trying to put it in the tape player.
"Won't fit, this. This tape won't fit."
"It's not a tape, it's an iPod.
"There's over 1,000 songs on there, Nana."
Honestly...
All your favourites, Nat King Cole,
Frank Sinatra, N-Dubz, they're all on there for you.
"Does it play records?"
No, it don't play... This is technology moves on, you see?
This is what happens, it's like, I've still got video tapes.
I can't get rid of them. VHS tapes, my wife's like,
"When you going to get rid of all this shit in here?"
I'm like, shit? Excuse me, love, I've every single Police Academy
in that back bedroom, they're going nowhere. OK?
It's all Blu-ray now, Blu-ray.
Blue Ray were a bloke near me who did pornos
out the back of a Nissan Sunny, that's who Blue Ray was.
When I were growing up, Blu-ray...
I watched The Gadget Show, they said, "Blu-ray's big in Asia."
I thought, "Christ, he's done well for himself, that Blue Ray."
Back of t'park with a shell suit and a pencil tash.
After a failed marriage and expulsion from his job
with the RAC, Alan McLarty formed
his very own motor recovery service - the ARC.
Excuse me love, can I interest you in one of these?
Obviously not.
I think I'm sitting on a gold mine with this business.
You see, other road companies, they don't treat their staff
half as well as I do.
I'll name them, I don't care.
You can bleep it out later...
The AA, the RAC, I was with the RAC for 14 years
before they showed me the door.
I was a patsy, I was a bloody patsy.
Alan Harvey Oswald, that was me.
Wrong place, wrong time, the face didn't fit.
She was 15, she was 15 and a half, right?
What's six months?
Excuse me, can I interest you in some ARC road insurance?
Can you say that in English? Fucking smart arse.
You want to see a photograph of the wife?
That's her, then, that's Denise.
Yeah, gone.
You left me in the shit, didn't you?
Gone, came home to an empty house, empty.
All she left me was a stopcock and the spiders.
Lost my job, lost my wife, I stood by her through thick and thin.
I blame Thelma and Louise though, as soon as she saw those two,
she was straight out of that kitchen and straight into night school.
It was degree this, module that, got to get a university degree,
you know?
The final straw came when I caught her trying to change a plug.
I gave her a crack with that.
For only �42, you get roadside recovery,
road start, relay, and you can screw my wife and all!
You bastard!
Join us next week when Alan has a breakdown of his own.
# We will, we will rock you!
# We will, we will, we will love you! #
HE SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY
I've been handed another envelope,
and I'm now about to make my way
to the centre of the stage.
I'm walking down the steps
towards our two final acts.
I'm here.
AUDIENCE SHOUTS OK...
The voting lines have officially closed.
The votes have been counted and verified.
Could we please have quiet in the studio?
AUDIENCE CONTINUES SHOUTING Quiet, please.
SHOUTS: Fucking shut up!
SILENCE
Thank you.
OK, I have the answer right here.
Are you ready to hear the results?
After an unbelievable 52 million votes...
That's huge!
..I can now reveal, in no particular order,
that the act proving that Britain Has Got The Pop Factor...
And Possibly A New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soap Star Superstar
Strictly On Ice, is...
..Two Up Two Down!
You have proved, throughout this competition,
to be one of the most popular of our acts with the British people,
but, I can now officially tell you
that the name of tonight's winning act is...
..Geraldine!
CHEERING
Hard luck, Two Up Two Down.
Congratulations, Geraldine!
# I started with nothing
# Now I have something
# I proved them all they were wrong
# So glad I kept fighting
# And I never stopped trying
# Been waiting to sing for so long
# My winner's song
# I couldn't carry on
# I thought my chance had gone
# I was ready to stop and give in
# I thought I'd give it one last try
# Look this moment in the eye
# Then maybe who knows, I could win
# I dreamed about this for a lifetime
# But I could not imagine
# What it feels like standing here right now
# I started with nothing
# Now I have something
# I proved them all they were wrong
# So glad I kept fighting
# And I never stopped trying
# Been waiting to sing for so long
# My winner's song
# This journey's been incredible
# Now I'm standing in the light
# I hope this lasts for more than one night
# One night... #
Geraldine!
# I started with nothing
# Now I have something
# I proved them all they were wrong
# So glad I kept fighting
# And I never stopped trying
# Been waiting to sing for so long
# My winner's song... #
SHE COUGHS AND CHOKES
# She's been waiting to sing for so long... #
Is there a doctor in the building?
# Her winner's song... # Is there a doctor in the building?!
Yes, I am a doctor!
Oh, my God.
Come on, son, cough it up.
Come on, come on!
Come on!