1 00:00:02,086 --> 00:00:03,878 - Now I know this plan is foolproof. 2 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,713 Check this out. 3 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:10,093 First of all, you and me start working at the bank. 4 00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:11,552 Doesn't matter the position, okay, 5 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,471 just so long as we get in there, all right? 6 00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:15,765 Then we just go there every day, 7 00:00:15,891 --> 00:00:18,518 do the work, gain their trust 8 00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:21,145 until we get them in the palm of our hand. 9 00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:24,232 - All right. So how we get the money? 10 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,234 - That's the beauty of it, bro. 11 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:30,154 They deposit the money into our bank accounts, 12 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,490 week after week, month after month. 13 00:00:32,616 --> 00:00:34,951 They're not even gonna know they're being robbed. 14 00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:38,162 And then 20 or 30 years later, 15 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:43,960 we walk out the front door like nothing even happened. 16 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:50,049 - Motherfucker, that's called a job! 17 00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:17,660 - Hello. 18 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:19,036 Good evening. 19 00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:20,371 - Thank you. 20 00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:22,290 - Thank you so much for coming out. 21 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,458 Uh, I am Keegan. - I am Jordan. 22 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:24,792 - And this is Key and Peele. 23 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:25,960 - Welcome to the show. - Thank you for coming. 24 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,921 - Thank you. 25 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:30,423 Now, Keegan and I have noticed 26 00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:32,133 that there, uh, seems to be a huge difference 27 00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:33,634 between white college movies and black college movies. 28 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:34,802 - It's huge, yes. 29 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,429 In-in white college movies- 30 00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:39,182 white college movies are always only about having fun, 31 00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:41,893 smoking weed, and stealing mascots. 32 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,061 - Right, and it's all about... 33 00:01:44,188 --> 00:01:46,856 Let's drink some beer off of some titties! 34 00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,609 Yeah, let's get away 35 00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:53,946 with date rape! 36 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,365 - And in black college movies, the-the lead always 37 00:01:56,492 --> 00:01:57,992 says this line, every time: 38 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:01,329 - "I'm gonna go to college." 39 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,206 Toward the beginning of the film, "I'm gonna go"- 40 00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:04,999 as if someone just told him, 41 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,376 "There's no way you're gonna go to college, man." 42 00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:08,795 "I'm gonna go." 43 00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:11,130 That's the plot of the film right there. 44 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:12,757 That this guy's gonna go to college. 45 00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:13,925 - And in a white college movie, it-it-it- 46 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,218 uh, college is a given. 47 00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,969 College is a backdrop. - Oh, yeah. 48 00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:18,846 - It's about "How do I get out of college?" 49 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,306 - That's right, "How do I do as little work as possible?" 50 00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:21,933 - "Aw, man, I'm sick of this trust fund 51 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:25,686 and my dad being a legacy." 52 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,944 - No, black college movies, always the same plot: 53 00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:34,946 "I might develop a challenging, rhythmical, 54 00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:37,031 extracurricular activity"- - Mm-hmm. 55 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,699 - "That's not gonna change the fact that I'm going 56 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,494 to stay in college." - Mm-hmm. 57 00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:42,954 It's gonna be all right, brother, 'cause there ain't 58 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,664 nobody gonna try to kick you out of college. 59 00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:48,125 It's a black college. You're gonna be fine. 60 00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:49,710 - I don't understand, when is gonna be the day 61 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,504 that we can have a college movie for black people 62 00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:52,797 where we get to act like fools? 63 00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,048 - I'll tell you this right now: 64 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,716 When a black man dresses like a woman 65 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,885 in order to live in a sorority house, 66 00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,637 we will have reached equality. - That's right. 67 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:02,181 No, actually, that- no, that movie exists. 68 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,934 Big Momma's House 3 starring Sir Martin Lawrence. 69 00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,605 - Well, then, we have reached the mountaintop. 70 00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:12,066 All right. 71 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:17,113 - Ahh! 72 00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:19,156 Omega Pi Omega! 73 00:03:19,283 --> 00:03:21,325 - Omega Pi Omega! 74 00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:24,954 Omega Pi Omega! 75 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,290 - Omega Pi Omega! - Yeah! 76 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:28,624 - Yo, brand me, son. - Yeah. 77 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,167 - Brand me, do it on my chest. 78 00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:31,377 - Yeah. - Straight down the middle, son. 79 00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,545 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! 80 00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:35,923 - Ahh! 81 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,508 - Yeah, son! 82 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,552 - Oh, yeah-yo... yo, yo, hold up, man. 83 00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:40,720 Come on, wait. 84 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:42,179 Wait, wait, that's... 85 00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:44,098 that shit's upside-down, son. 86 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,976 It-it's to the side a little bit too. 87 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:48,519 - Oh, shit, well, okay, my-my bad, dog. 88 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,062 My bad, dog. You wanna keep doing this shit? 89 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,315 Let's go! - Yeah, man. 90 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:55,109 I'm just-I'm saying, yo, be careful. 91 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,319 - I got you, dog, I got you... yeah! 92 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,321 - Ahh! 93 00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,865 - What's up? That's what's up! 94 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,366 - Yeah. - Straight down the middle, son! 95 00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,535 - You can't go back to middle now, son. 96 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,162 - What? - We already committed 97 00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:08,831 to the upside-down and to the side. 98 00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:13,377 - I got you, dog, yeah! - Ahh! 99 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:14,962 What are you doing, man? 100 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,756 - You said upside-down and to the side. 101 00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:18,132 - That's three omegas! 102 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,800 - Oh, man, I forgot the Pi. 103 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:24,388 Yeah! - Ahh! 104 00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:28,893 Oh... 105 00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:30,645 - Oh, man, I mean, you know... 106 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,605 that-that, man... that-that... 107 00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:33,773 that could be a rocket ship, 108 00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:38,110 or-or a lighthouse. 109 00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,571 Naw, man, you straight up got a dick on your chest. 110 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,574 - Ahh! 111 00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:48,287 - What do we do? 112 00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,498 They told us at the station to come down here and fill time, 113 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,626 but, uh, there's no story here. 114 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:56,128 - In this neighborhood, there's always a story. 115 00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:58,547 Here, gimme the name of a mythical creature. 116 00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:00,007 - Mythical creature? I don't- 117 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,592 - Trust me. - Uh, I don't-a pegasus. 118 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:02,927 - Pegasus, perfect. 119 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:07,348 Just roll, watch, and learn. 120 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,016 - They can stay in my house if they want to- 121 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,977 - Hi, there. Rick Nicholsby, Channel Six News. 122 00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:13,104 We've had reports of a pegasus in the area. 123 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,438 Has anybody seen anything like that? 124 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,524 - Aw, yeah, man, I seen a pegasus. 125 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:19,318 I seen it, yeah, every day. - I sees it too, man. 126 00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,028 We both see that pegasus, dog. 127 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,030 - Yeah, I saw it with my own two eyes, man. 128 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,907 That horse had a big old snake head- 129 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,451 - Naw, man, it ain't got no snake head, fool. 130 00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,578 Y'all, that-that horse had some big wings, man. 131 00:05:29,705 --> 00:05:30,913 - Yeah, yeah. - It's all flying and shit. 132 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,373 - Yeah, that horse had big old wings. 133 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,125 Man, like, two sets of wings, yeah. 134 00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,002 - Y'all see the pegasus? - Yeah. 135 00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:38,504 - Everybody up in here seen the pegasus, man. 136 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:40,756 - Curiosity has brought out large crowds 137 00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:44,010 to see the alleged pegasus in this South Lennox neighborhood. 138 00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:45,344 - Look, there it is. 139 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:48,848 - I'm gonna find it, break it, 140 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:51,434 and then ride it to the pegasus treasure. 141 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,478 - Residents say the creature resembles this amateur sketch. 142 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,063 - Kicked the fuck out of my car. 143 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,732 City's gotta pay for that shit too. 144 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,026 I ain't got no coverage for no pegasus, bitch. 145 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:01,235 - He land on my roof, man. Look at my roof, man. 146 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,486 He busted it up. 147 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:04,280 He busted the whole thing up, man. 148 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,407 Yeah, he been-he been-he been sitting up there every day. 149 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,284 - While many revel in the possibility 150 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:09,785 of seeing the winged horse, 151 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,288 others are not so welcoming. 152 00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:14,749 - I just know this neighborhood would be better 153 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,126 if that pegasus is put down. 154 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:20,504 God ain't putting no wings on no horse. 155 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,299 - Now, see, if this was a white neighborhood, 156 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,259 animal control would be up in here 157 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,303 with a pegasus trap. - That's right. 158 00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:31,182 They can't take our pegasus. This is our pegasus. 159 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,475 - Pegasus up in this motherfucker! 160 00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,976 - Hey, man, why you interrupting me? 161 00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,144 I'm trying to talk about the pegasus. 162 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:36,771 - Fuck you! - Hey! 163 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,940 Don't be disrespecting pegasus! - I love pegasus! 164 00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:45,154 - Yes, we're here live on the scene in South Lennox, 165 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:48,324 where riots have broken out over the alleged appearance 166 00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:50,576 of a flying horse. 167 00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,956 - Did this actually happen? 168 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,959 Did Mel Gibson actually say to that woman- 169 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,962 - His-uh, not just a woman, his wife or girlfriend. 170 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,090 - Right, whatever she was. Did he say to her, 171 00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:07,301 "I hope you get raped by a pack of niggers"? 172 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,969 - Yes, he did. - What? 173 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:12,348 - He is the most racist man in the world, yes. 174 00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:15,434 - But, seriously, no- and, for the record, 175 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,144 if-if he had said, 176 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,271 "I hope you get raped by a pack of African-Americans"- 177 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:20,898 - Not better, not better. - Doesn't fix it. 178 00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:23,651 Doesn't even fix it, it's that racist. 179 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:27,071 - Because "pack" always denotes non-human. 180 00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:28,989 - It means animals. - It means animals every time. 181 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,200 - No, l-I would've rather he said, uh, 182 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,369 "I hope you get raped by a group of niggers." 183 00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:34,537 - Mm-hmm. - Uh... 184 00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,539 "A, uh, gathering of niggers" 185 00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:37,706 would have been fine. 186 00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:39,917 - "Congregation." 187 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,293 - A congre-please. 188 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,840 No, but it's, like, a pack. 189 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,299 "Pack" is the most racist thing 190 00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:48,801 I've ever heard anyone say in my life. 191 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,761 - I would rather someone say, "You got raped 192 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,179 by a group of niggers," 193 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,640 than "A pack of African-Americans 194 00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,433 went to a physics presentation." 195 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,352 - Yes, yes. 196 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,229 Right? - I would be less offended. 197 00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:04,525 - Hey, did you see that nigga? 198 00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:07,027 - That nigga looked like Busta Rhymes 199 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,280 and Maya Angelou had a baby. 200 00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:11,866 Yeah, yeah. 201 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:15,202 That was one jacked-up-looking nigger. 202 00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:22,168 - Uh-oh. You just dropped the N-word, 203 00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,211 but you're not an "N." 204 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,922 Lucky for you, there's a way to avoid these situations. 205 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:28,465 Introducing the new smartphone application: 206 00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:29,967 The negraph. 207 00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,178 Finally, a technology specifically designed 208 00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:35,389 to help you determine whether or not you can drop the N-bomb. 209 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,682 - I can say it! 210 00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:39,226 We can all say it! 211 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,395 - Not in this lifetime. 212 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,856 - To see your negraph, just enter your name, 213 00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,858 age, and color of your skin, 214 00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:48,819 or just the color of your skin. 215 00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:52,406 - I've got the negraph on my phone and my iPad. 216 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,408 My phone says I can't ever say it. 217 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,994 My iPad says I can't ever say it... 218 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,329 but bigger! 219 00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:01,081 - The negraph- can you say the N-word? 220 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,876 - I can say nigger all day long. 221 00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:06,086 Nigger! 222 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,339 - No. 223 00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,966 I'd like to, but... says it right here. 224 00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:12,509 - The negraph. 225 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,845 And also available at the App Store, the fagchart. 226 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:19,475 - Uh, greetings, adventurers. 227 00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:21,894 - Greetings. - Greetings. 228 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,395 - As you all can see here, 229 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:26,106 we have a new traveler in our ranks. 230 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,691 Uh, this is my cousin Tyrell, 231 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:31,612 and he will be controlling the player character. 232 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:35,032 - His name is Kanye. He's a giant, yo. 233 00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:38,285 Uh, dear cousin... 234 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:41,372 traditionally, a-a giant is not assumed by a player. 235 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,249 It is a chaotic, evil- 236 00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:46,418 - Yeah, but I want to be a giant, yo. 237 00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:48,504 All big. 238 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,965 - Oh, okay. Fine. 239 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:54,510 Well, travelers, you are joined on your adventure today 240 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:58,472 by a giant named Kanye. 241 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,057 Now when last we left you, 242 00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:02,434 you were at the Inn of the North Star 243 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,395 in the town of Isledor. 244 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:05,729 How do you begin your adventure? 245 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,856 - I wanna get some bitches. 246 00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:09,525 Where the club at at Isledor, yo? 247 00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:11,235 - Tyrell, this is highly unusual. 248 00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:12,778 I think the guys probably just wanna go on the quest- 249 00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:14,488 - Um, Stephen? - Yes? 250 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:17,449 - I would like to join Kanye the giant in his quest. 251 00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,618 - Seriously? 252 00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:22,705 All right. 253 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,833 The two of you enter the tavern. 254 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,084 What do you say? 255 00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:29,586 - Kanye the giant orders Alize. 256 00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:31,505 - "Hmm," says the barkeep. 257 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,425 "Uh, I know not of this foreign beverage of which you speak. 258 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,593 Perhaps you'd enjoy an Elven ale?" 259 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,220 - No, we both want the Alize. 260 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,763 - Alize does not exist in this world. 261 00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:41,890 - Kanye the giant slaps that bitch. 262 00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:43,183 - Oh! 263 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,393 - Kanye the giant attempts 264 00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,395 to slap the bartender. Here. 265 00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:48,022 The bartender is half-Hobbit 266 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,732 and very nimble, 267 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,401 so you're going to have to roll an 18 or above to hit. 268 00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:53,861 20. - Blip. 269 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,529 Slap that Hobbit's dick off, yo. 270 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,823 - Okay. Gollin the cleric, 271 00:10:57,949 --> 00:11:00,701 would you care to restrain Kanye the giant 272 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,578 before the town guard is called? 273 00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,580 - Uh, I grab money out of the register. 274 00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,457 - But-but-but Gollin the cleric is lawful good. 275 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,208 This act of thievery 276 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,752 would dishonor his gods. - Hey, man. 277 00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:14,048 The only gods is money and bitches, dude. 278 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,801 - Ah! I accept Kanye the giant's gods, and, uh... 279 00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,887 yeah, l-l-I steal some of the money too. 280 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,097 - You too? 281 00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:25,351 Okay, would you now like to continue your quest 282 00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:27,853 for the Lance of Caldahar? - Fellas... 283 00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:29,355 we came here for bitches. 284 00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:30,939 Where the bitches at? 285 00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:34,693 - All right, you see a bevy of well-endowed wenches. 286 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:38,655 - Great, I grab them bitches, and we all go in my SUV. 287 00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:41,450 - Fine. Kanye the giant, Udar the dwarf, 288 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:45,120 and Gollin the cleric climb into his SUV 289 00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:48,290 with their bitches and their ill-gotten gains. 290 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:49,583 - And our Alize. 291 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,586 Plus Kanye the giant puts his demo CD 292 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,213 in the CD player- - No, he doesn't. 293 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,215 There are no CDs in this world! 294 00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,925 You know what? 295 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,928 Do whatever you want. 296 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,433 - All right. 297 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,811 I guess I'm the Dungeon Master now. 298 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:11,980 The Eye of Ona opens up... 299 00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,024 16 titties fall out. 300 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,693 - Yeah! - Hurrah! 301 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:24,284 - Okay, so occasionally Keegan and I will be recognized 302 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:25,953 on the street. - Occasionally. 303 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,122 - Occasionally happens. - Occasionally, yeah. 304 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,915 Uh, uh, and it's always by the- 305 00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:33,085 by the same particular kind of guy, every single time. 306 00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:36,380 - Yes, this dude has- wears suit pants and high-tops. 307 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,757 - Mm-hmm, or conversely, 308 00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,843 sweat pants and polished dress shoes. 309 00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:42,469 - One or the other. One or the other. 310 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,430 And you can tell he doesn't know our names, 311 00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:48,183 'cause my man just talk about, "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 312 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:50,602 "Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 313 00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:53,188 "Yeah, oh, yay! That's what l-yeah, yeah! 314 00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,815 That's my shit, dog." - Yeah. 315 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:57,943 - But then inevitably- inevitably he will say this- 316 00:12:58,069 --> 00:13:01,864 - "Yo, but ideally, dog, ideally... 317 00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:03,699 "we could do some shit together, man. 318 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:04,867 Ideally..." 319 00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,368 - Never met him before! 320 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,620 Never seen the man before a day in my life. 321 00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:09,955 - Straight up, but, yo, I'm trying to get what you doin'. 322 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:11,707 I'm tryin' to do what you doin'. 323 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:15,085 What you are, where you at, where you at. 324 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:18,922 So ideally, ideally, I be doin' what you doin' right now. 325 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,716 - Why "ideally"? Why "ideally"? 326 00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:22,843 Of course, "ideally"! - Of course. 327 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,553 - Ideally, I want to wake up tomorrow 328 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,722 and have my penis intact. Ideally! 329 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,891 - Ideally, you would be wearing shoes 330 00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,142 that match your pants, motherfucker. 331 00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:32,478 - Right. Exactly 332 00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:35,689 - Oh, my God. So it's definitely happening? 333 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,983 We're making a record? 334 00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:41,236 Oh, no, I promise, it's gonna be a hit. 335 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,529 Hey, no, man, thank you. 336 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:43,989 - What's up, my man? 337 00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:45,866 I heard about your record deal, dog. 338 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,451 You gonna keep it real, now, right, right? 339 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,077 You're gonna stay true to your roots, right? 340 00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:51,163 You ain't gonna let down your boy-your boy Dwayne. 341 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:52,623 - Dwayne Washington. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 342 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,583 - Ramsey Junior High- - Yo, yo, yo! 343 00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:57,252 If it ain't Craig, the man of the hour, homie. 344 00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:58,420 You remember me, I'm Teresa's cousin. 345 00:13:58,546 --> 00:13:59,796 You gonna keep it real? 346 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,465 - Yeah, definitely gonna keep it real, man. 347 00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:05,886 So, yeah... - What up? What up? 348 00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:09,097 It's my favorite Craig, mm-hmm. - I don't know you, man. 349 00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:10,807 - You don't know me? 350 00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,143 Shit, is that how it's gonna be, Craig? 351 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,770 - No, I really don't know you. 352 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:16,146 - You changed. 353 00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:17,564 - All right, you good, you good. 354 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,441 - Craig's phone. 355 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,151 - Hey, youngblood. 356 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:24,863 My girls take care of you, you take care of me. 357 00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,031 - Oh, all right. All right. 358 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,119 Oh! 359 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,499 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, all right. 360 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:42,548 - Hello, Craig's phone. 361 00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:43,924 It's for you, brother. - Aww. 362 00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,468 Thanks, man. Thanks. All right, hello? 363 00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:48,929 Yeah. 364 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:51,431 It fell through? 365 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:54,226 It's not happening? 366 00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:56,061 Damn, man... 367 00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:59,773 No, it's all right. Thanks anyway. 368 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:00,941 Sorry, everybod- 369 00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:13,870 Damn. 370 00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,837 Good evening, my fellow Americans. 371 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:26,133 Now before we begin, I'd like to once again introduce you 372 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:29,219 to my anger translator Luther. - Hi. 373 00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:32,139 - Now this November, I want each and every one of you 374 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:35,726 to ask yourselves, "what has changed in the last four years?" 375 00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:38,562 - Who killed Osama bin Laden? 376 00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:40,897 - What has my administration accomplished? 377 00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:43,483 - Did we accomplish killing America's biggest enemy? 378 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,445 Uh, check, did that, boom! 379 00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:51,074 - In 2011 alone, we created more jobs than George W. Bush did 380 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,909 in all eight years of his office. 381 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,411 - Except for "Osama bin Laden hunter," 382 00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,246 because that job don't exist anymore, 383 00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,540 'cause I went over there, and I killed him in his face. 384 00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,042 - We helped make health care 385 00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,335 accessible to more Americans 386 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,961 than ever before. 387 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:04,379 - I'm sorry, what'd you say? 388 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,881 Your World Trade Center hurts? 389 00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:07,257 Then why don't you take two dead bin Ladens 390 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,968 and call me in the morning, biz-itch? 391 00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:12,304 - This election, make the decision 392 00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:15,265 that you think best serves the future of this country. 393 00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,476 - Or you can eat a dum-dum sandwich 394 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,936 and just vote for the person who didn't kill Osama bin Laden. 395 00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,648 But why would you do it? Why would you do it? 396 00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:23,857 I mean, God damn. 397 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,485 - I plan to run a clean campaign, 398 00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:29,154 one based on the issues and the accomplishments 399 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,530 of my administration. - Mm-hmm. 400 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,282 But I'm gonna tell you right now, 401 00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:35,994 if the Republicans-if they had caught Osama bin Laden, 402 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,496 there wouldn't even be an election, man. 403 00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:38,997 They'd just put a crown on his head, 404 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,707 and give him a castle, and just call him 405 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,459 the King of America, and that'd be it. 406 00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:43,835 I said, that'd be it! 407 00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:45,504 - All right, all right, all right. 408 00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:47,631 Just, you know, bring it down a notch, there, Luther. 409 00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:49,091 - Okay, come on, Luther, man, 410 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,509 you're straight up out of control, brother. 411 00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:52,052 - Well, l- it's not that bad. 412 00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,637 - Okay, don't beat yourself up, it's okay. 413 00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:55,347 'Scuse me. 414 00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:57,015 - Can a nigga get a lozenge? 415 00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,351 - Now, Luther, you-you- you can't say that word. 416 00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,186 - Oh... 417 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,647 actually it says right here, I can say it whenever I want. 418 00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:09,695 - I guess I can say it too. 419 00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:13,657 Good night, my niggas. 420 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:27,087 - Okay, so here's a very sad thing- 421 00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:29,631 Jordan and I could not be rappers. 422 00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:32,843 Couldn't do it. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 423 00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,595 - Seriously, Jordan? Are you seriously fronting? 424 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,557 We have absolutely no street cred whatsoever. 425 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:42,269 What am I supposed to rap about, my master's degree in fine arts? 426 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:48,483 - L-I did-l-l-I dropped out of college, so, you know, 427 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:49,985 I still got that- I still got that- 428 00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:53,321 - You dropped out of Sarah Lawrence College 429 00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:55,198 in Westchester County, 430 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,576 which makes you educated and a lesbian. 431 00:17:57,702 --> 00:18:00,287 - I'm saying-it's just, you gotta twist it, man. 432 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,538 You just gotta- - Oh, you gotta twist it. 433 00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:03,039 - Yeah. - You gotta-you gotta twist it. 434 00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,207 - I'm talking about- yeah, you-you do! 435 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,834 Talking about, yo, check it- 436 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,046 ♪ Yo, NYC, born and raised ♪ 437 00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:11,423 ♪ In the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪- 438 00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:15,010 - No, you did not! No, you didn't. 439 00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,804 Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? - Hold up, hold up, hold up. 440 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,765 All right, I ain't finished, I ain't finished: 441 00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:21,933 ♪ Yo, all I had was my smarts, and then the liberal arts ♪- 442 00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:23,518 - No! - ♪ Came into my life ♪- 443 00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:25,103 - No, can't- - All right- 444 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,439 - No, because you cannot say the words "liberal arts" 445 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:28,857 in a rap song. - Fine. 446 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,283 All y'all rappers out there think y'all hard 447 00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:40,786 'cause what y'all been through? 448 00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,329 Hey, check it out. 449 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,122 ♪ It was Friday night chillin' ♪ 450 00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,665 ♪ On my front lawn ♪ 451 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:49,002 ♪ Me and my crew, I had my bathrobe on ♪ 452 00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,796 ♪ Everybody high ♪ 453 00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:52,088 ♪ Just watched X-Men ♪ 454 00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:54,132 ♪ Got plenty chicken heads ♪ 455 00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:55,300 ♪ Ready for sex, men ♪ 456 00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:56,760 ♪ Busters roll up ♪ 457 00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,386 ♪ They tryin' to talk smack ♪ 458 00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:00,388 ♪ Don't these niggas know ♪ 459 00:19:00,515 --> 00:19:01,932 ♪ They fuckin' with Tha Mack? ♪ 460 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,141 ♪ Dude pulled his nine ♪ 461 00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:05,018 ♪ I knew homies seen us ♪ 462 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,478 ♪ He pulled two shots ♪ 463 00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:08,021 ♪ Somehow my penis got between us ♪ 464 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,272 ♪ I got shot in the dick ♪ 465 00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:10,816 ♪ Shot, shot in the dick ♪ 466 00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:12,526 ♪ I got shot in the dick ♪ 467 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,402 - ♪ But his dick's still standing ♪ 468 00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:15,612 - ♪ Shot in the dick ♪ 469 00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:17,447 ♪ Shot, shot in the dick ♪ 470 00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:18,949 ♪ I got shot in the dick ♪ 471 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,992 - ♪ But his dick's still standing ♪ 472 00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:29,584 - ♪ Went back to my palace fast ♪ 473 00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,880 ♪ Now I'm the dude walking 'round with a phallus cast ♪ 474 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,550 ♪ Like Wolverine, I'm trying to be a loner ♪ 475 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:40,178 ♪ But they think a nigga got an adamantium boner ♪ 476 00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:41,847 ♪ What can I say? ♪ 477 00:19:41,973 --> 00:19:43,765 ♪ They still up on my totem pole ♪ 478 00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:46,393 ♪ Bitch, get your tongue ring away from the scrotum hole ♪ 479 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,144 ♪ Don't know why they love it ♪ 480 00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:50,230 ♪ But it keeps the ladies moistening ♪ 481 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,941 ♪ Gave half the honeys in the 'hood lead poisoning ♪ 482 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,443 - ♪ Shot in the dick, shot, shot in the dick ♪ 483 00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:57,112 ♪ I got shot in the dick ♪ 484 00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:59,155 - ♪ But his dick's still standing ♪ 485 00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:00,490 - ♪ Shot in the dick ♪ 486 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:02,075 ♪ Shot, shot in the dick ♪ 487 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,910 ♪ I got shot in the dick ♪ 488 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,829 - ♪ But his dick's still standing ♪ 489 00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:15,922 - Yo, they shot that fool in the dick! 490 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:23,597 - Ahh! Gee, fu-man! 491 00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:26,224 Damn, that hurts. - What? 492 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,019 - Damn-no, video over, man. Video's over. 493 00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:31,271 - No! - I'm serious, man. 494 00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:32,731 Damn... 495 00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:36,818 - Thank you. 496 00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:39,154 - Thank you very much. 497 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:40,947 - He's got one. - Yo. 498 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,407 - He's got one. - Check it, check it, check it. 499 00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:43,867 Check it, check it, check it, check it: 500 00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:45,535 ♪ Yo, all my boys have my back ♪ 501 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:46,786 ♪ While we're playing hacky-sack ♪ 502 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,288 - Nope, nope, nope. 503 00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:51,082 Good night, everybody. Safe home, God bless. 504 00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:01,051 - ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 505 00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:03,178 - Oh, yeah. 506 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,557 - Dude, I'm gonna- I'm gonna put some weed smoke 507 00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,142 in your ear, dog. - It's all right, dude. 508 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,561 I'm gonna take this grenade and toss it 509 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,438 in the fraternity house for no reason at all.