我是Doug 抱歉現在我沒辦法接聽電話 You've reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call.
請留下你的姓名和聯繫方式 我會給你回電 Please leave a name and number and I'll get back to you.
我是聖潔牙科的斯圖爾特·普賴斯醫生 Hi, you've reached Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry.
請留言... Please leave a message after...
我是Phil Hey, this is Phil.
留不留言隨便你 Leave me a message or don't.
但是千萬別給我發短信 太娘了 Do me a favor, don't text me. It's gay.
- 有消息嗎 - 他們幾個的電話我都打了 - Anything? - I tried them all.
全部都轉接到了語音信箱 It keeps going straight to voicemail.
總要有個解釋吧 Well, there has to be an explanation.
親愛的 這是拉斯維加斯 賭場會讓人忘記時間 Sweetie, it's Vegas. You lose track of time in casinos.
沒有窗戶 也沒有鐘 他可能手氣正好呢 There's no windows, there's no clocks. He's probably on a heater.
手氣正好的時候怎麼可能從賭桌上下來呢 And you never walk away from the table when you're on a heater.
如果你要結婚了 就要下來 You do if you're getting married.
- 喂 - Tracy 我是Phil - Hello? - Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.
Phil 你們到底跑哪去了 Phil, where the hell are you guys?
我嚇死了 I'm freaking out.
嗯 聽我說 Yeah, listen.
我們玩脫了 We fucked up.
什麼意思 What are you talking about?
單身派對 整個晚上... The bachelor party, the whole night. It...
事情失控了 Things got out of control, uh...
Doug不見了 and we lost Doug.
- 什麼 - 我們找不到Doug了 - What? - We can't find Doug.
你在說什麼啊 Phil 我們五個小時後就要結婚了 What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in five hours.
大概是結不成了 That's not gonna happen.
宿醉
往我左邊來一點 To my left a little.
謝謝 Thank you.
好了 Okey-dokey.
兩天前
- 小心點 變態 - Alan 他只是幫你量尺寸而已 - Whoa, watch it, pervert! - Alan, he's just doing your inseam.
他都要碰到我小弟弟了 He's getting very close to my shaft.
好了 你可以換衣服了 All done. You can change now.
謝了 佛洛德 非常感謝 Right. Thanks, Floyd. Thank you very much.
好了哥們 我們可以走了 All right, buddy, we should get a move on.
Doug 我在想 You know, Doug, I was thinking...
如果你們想自己去拉斯維加斯 If you wanna go to Vegas without me,
我完全沒問題的 that is totally cool, you know?
你在說什麼呢 What are you talking about?
Phili和Stu 他們是你哥們 You know, Phil and Stu, they're your buddies,
這是你的單身派對 and it's your bachelor party.
拜託 Alan 他們倆都很喜歡你 Come on, Alan. Those two love you.
還有 我不想你覺得礙手礙腳的... And also, I don't want you to feel like you have to hold back...
因為你妻子的哥哥也在 我... because your wife's brother's there. I just...
不是這樣的 It's not like that.
不是這樣的 我已經說過了 Alan It's not like that. I already told you, Alan.
我們就是在拉斯維加斯睡一晚而已 沒什麼大不了 Okay? We're just spending the night in Vegas. It's no big deal.
而且 你不僅是我妻子的哥哥 Besides, you're not just my wife's brother,
你現在是我哥哥了 you're my brother now.
我想告訴你 Doug 我嘴很嚴的 I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap.
今晚發生的事情 我絕對不會 Whatever happens tonight, I will never,
講出去一個字的 ever, ever, speak a word of it.
嗯 明白了 謝謝你 我不覺得... Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...
說真的 我不在乎發生什麼事 Seriously. I don't care what happens.
- 就算殺人也沒所謂 - 什麼 - I don't care if we kill someone. - What?
你聽到了 那裡是罪惡之城 You heard me. It's Sin City.
我不會告訴任何人的 I won't tell a soul.
嗯 明白了 Okay. I got it.
- 謝謝 - 不 是我謝謝你 - Thank you. - No, thank you.
我太愛你了 I love you so much.
- 我就知道 - 爸 - Ha. I knew it. - Dad.
打住 我就是開玩笑而已 Oh, stop it, I'm just jerking around.
Alan 把褲子穿上 你的腿醜死了 Alan, put some pants on. You have weird legs.
好的 爸爸 Yes, Daddy.
- 他的腿挺好的 爸 - 拜託 - His legs look fine, Dad. - Oh, please.
他遺傳了他媽媽的腿 太可怕了 He has his mother's legs. It's just freaky.
Alan 我開玩笑的 你的腿挺好看的 Alan, I'm just teasing. You have wonderful legs.
比你媽媽的好多了 聽好看的 They're better than your mother's. They're beautiful.
不敢相信 就剩兩天了 Can you believe this? Just two more days.
是啊 你緊張嗎 I know. You getting nervous?
- 你反悔了嗎 - 閉嘴 - You wanna back out? - Shut up.
告訴我嘛 Just tell me.
我可以不去拉斯維加斯的 蠢死了 You know, I don't need to go to Vegas. It's dumb.
才不蠢呢 就一晚上而已 好好玩吧 It's not dumb. It's one night. Have fun, you deserve it.
我知道 我們應該上個禮拜去的 I know, but we should have gone last weekend.
我們還有好多事要做 我... 我取消吧 We have so much to do. I... I'm gonna cancel.
我哥哥兩個禮拜前就收好行李了 你不准取消 My brother packed his bag two weeks ago. You're not canceling.
- 真的嗎 - 對 - Really? - Yeah.
- 兩個禮拜 - 對 他很激動 - Two weeks? - Yeah, he's excited.
還有 謝謝你帶他一起去 Thanks again for bringing him, by the way.
你不用謝謝我 小事一樁 他挺酷的 You don't need to thank me, it's nothing. He's a cool guy.
不是小事 而且他也不酷... It's not nothing and he's not a cool guy...
所以謝謝你 so thank you.
謝謝你 Thank you.
Sid Hey, Sid.
我想再次謝謝你們 I just wanted to thank you guys again
這個週末所做的一切 for everything you're doing this weekend.
- 我們太興奮了 - 太好了 - We couldn't be more excited. - Ah, that's great.
你愛我們 我們也愛你 非常好 Yeah, okay. You love us and we love you. Terrific.
說說你們在拉斯維加斯的計畫吧 So talk to me about Vegas.
應該也就是些平常事 It should be pretty mellow.
賭賭博 去曬曬太陽 歡聲笑語 Do some gambling, maybe catch some rays, have a few laughs.
歡聲笑語 我明白 Yeah, some laughs. I got you.
你們怎麼過去 How you getting out there?
開我的車去 我等下去接我朋友 Uh, we're gonna take my car. Gonna pick up my friends after this.
- 普銳斯 你們開普銳斯去維加斯 - 對 - Prius? You're taking a Prius to Vegas? - Yeah.
去維加斯的時候 You know, when you go to Vegas...
就要有去維加斯的樣子 you gotta go to Vegas.
天啊 Sid No. Sid.
- 真的嗎 - 拜託 我們現在是一家人了 - Really? - Come on, we're family now.
- 你確定嗎 這輛車是你的最愛 - Doug 就是輛車而已 - You sure? I mean, you love this car. - Doug, it's just a car.
記得給輪胎塗點牛魔王 Just make sure to put some Armor All
這樣沙子就不會進去了 on the tires so the sand doesn't seep in.
當然了 小菜一碟 Absolutely. That's easy.
別讓Alan開 Oh, and, uh, don't let Alan drive,
因為他腦子有點毛病 because there's something wrong with him.
明白 Understood.
也別讓Phil開 我不喜歡他 Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
這車只會是我一個人開 我保證 I will be the only one driving this car. I promise.
很好 Good.
記住 維加斯發生的事情就別帶回來了 Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
除了皰疹 那鬼東西會纏上你的 Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you.
等等 下周我們去格里菲斯天文臺 All right. Hold on. I still need some of your permission slips...
你們要把家長批准條 and $90 for the field trip
和九十美金交給我 to the Griffith Observatory next weekend.
要麼現在交錢 Pay now, or forever regret
要麼為了錯過這次經歷後悔一輩子 大家 missing out on the experience of a lifetime, guys.
好的 沒問題了 You're good, you got it.
- 謝謝 Wenneck先生 - 謝謝 - Thanks, Mr. Wenneck. - Thank you. Hey.
做得好 謝謝你 You really came through, thank you.
Max 怎麼了 不去天文臺了 Whoa, Max. What gives? What, no planetarium?
我媽媽不給我錢 我被禁足了 My mom won't give me the money. I'm grounded.
- 你身上有多少錢 - 我不知道 - Well, how much you got on you? - I don't know.
大概二十塊吧 Like, 20 bucks.
把二十給我 剩下的我幫你付 Well, give me the 20 and I'll cover the rest.
- 真的嗎 - 對 有事好商量 - Really? - Yeah. Well, we'll talk about it.
把二十給我 證明你是認真的 But give me the 20 so I know you're serious.
- 好 謝謝 Wenneck先生 - 嗯 - Cool. Thanks, Mr. Wenneck. - Yeah.
好了 Hold on, I got it.
你一定要停在這麼近的地方嗎 Do you have to park so close?
- 怎麼了 - 我不該來這裡 - Yeah. What's wrong? - I shouldn't be here.
為什麼呢 Alan Why is that, Alan?
我不能出現在學校兩百英尺的範圍內 I'm not supposed to be within 200 feet of a school.
- 什麼 - 也不能靠近查克乳酪店 - What? - Or a Chuck E. Cheese.
- Wenneck 先生 我... - 週末了 - Mr. Wenneck, I was... - It's the weekend.
我不認識你 你不存在 I don't know you. You do not exist.
天啊 Shit.
- 好車 - 嗯 - Nice car. - Yeah.
- 我來開 - 不行 哥們 - I'm driving. - Whoa, no chance, buddy...
別踩 天 小心皮椅... Don't step... God. Watch the leath...
閉嘴 趕緊開車 免得這些書呆子又來問我問題 Shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another question.
- 野蠻人 - 他是誰 - Animal. - Who's this?
- Alan Tracy的哥哥 - 我見過你 四次吧 - It's Alan. Tracy's brother. - I met you, like, four times.
嗯 你好啊 哥們 Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?
別忘帶落健 Don't forget your Rogaine.
落健 帶了 Rogaine, check.
也別忘了用 And don't forget to use it.
不然我會看得出來的 你的頭髮會變少 I can totally tell when you forget, your hair just looks thinner.
用落健 記得 Using of the Rogaine, check.
一到酒店就要給我打電話 Make sure to call me right when you get to the hotel...
別像在鳳凰城開會那次一樣 not like that conference in Phoenix.
我等了兩個小時你才打給我 I had to wait two hours for you to call me.
我是主講人 我上臺要遲到了 Yeah, I was the keynote speaker. I was late to the podium.
- 那也不行 - 嗯 你說得對 抱歉 - Still? - Yeah, you're totally right. I'm sorry.
- 怎麼了 - 不知道 - What is the matter? - I don't know.
我希望你們到了之後 I hope you're not gonna
不會去看脫衣舞 go to some strip club when you're up there.
Melissa 我們去的是納帕穀 Melissa, we're going to Napa Valley.
酒鄉怎麼會有脫衣舞俱樂部呢 I don't even think they have strip clubs in wine country.
如果有的話 Phil肯定能找到 Well, I'm sure if there is one, Phil will sniff it out.
不會那樣的 It's not gonna be like that.
而且你也知道我對這事的感受 Besides, you know how I feel about that.
我知道 就是 I know, I know. It's just
幾個男人的單身派對 噁心死了 boys and their bachelor parties, it's gross.
對 很噁心 You're right, it is gross.
老實說 你知道還有什麼嗎 And you know what else, honestly?
我為什麼要為了看幾分鐘年輕的制服女郎 Why would I risk this for, you know, a couple of minutes...
就冒險破壞我們的關係呢 of some 19-year-old hard body in a schoolgirl outfit?
- 嗯 - 為什麼我需要... - Yeah. - Why would I ever need, like...
- 你說的對 如果你去了... - 什麼 - You're right. And if you ever do... - What?
我會讓你好看 I will fucking kick your ass.
謝謝 謝謝你 Thank you. Thank you for that.
我就是想聽你說這句話 That is exactly what I needed to hear.
跟別說 你們真是可憐 Not to mention it's pathetic.
那些地方污濁不堪 最糟糕的是... Those places are filthy. And the worst part is...
在臺上... that little girl...
蹭來蹭去的女生... grinding and dry humping the fucking stage up there...
也是別人的女兒 that's somebody's daughter up there.
我正要說這句話 I was just gonna say that.
我真希望你的朋友也像你這麼成熟穩重 See? I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
他們其實很穩重 They are mature, actually.
你要多瞭解他們一下 You just have to get to know them better.
呼叫白癡醫生 Paging Dr. Faggot.
白癡醫生 Dr. Faggot!
- 我該走了 - 很好 白癡醫生 - I should go. - That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.
週末愉快 我會想你的 Have a good weekend. I'm gonna miss you.
公路之旅 Road trip!
維加斯 維加斯 寶貝 Vegas! Vegas, baby!
維加斯 Vegas!
你個白癡 You're nuts!
拜託 就只開到巴斯托 大家都在超我們的車 Come on, just till Barstow. Everybody's passing us.
絕對不行 我答應Sid了 Absolutely not. I promised Sid.
只會由我來開 I will be the only one driving this car.
而且 你喝酒了 Besides, you're drinking.
幹嘛 你現在成員警了 Oh, what are you, a cop now?
你知道我喝了酒之後車也開得很好 You know I drive great when I'm drunk.
對 別忘了 Phil可是我們的專用醉駕司機 True. Don't forget, Phil was always our designated drunk driver.
嗯 你跟他們解釋下吧 Alan Yeah. You wanna explain it to them, Alan?
大家 我爸愛這輛車勝過愛我 Guys, my dad loves this car more than he loves me, so, yeah.
那又怎樣 我把妻兒拋在家 跟你們去維加斯 Aw, whatever. I left my wife and kid at home so I could go with you guys to Vegas.
- 你知道有多困難嗎 - 你太貼心了 Phil - You know how difficult that was? - That's really sweet, Phil.
- 嗯 - 哥們 我在說反話 - Yeah. - Dude, I was being sarcastic.
我恨死我妻子了 I fucking hate my life.
- 我可能不回去了 就待在維加斯 - 開始了 - I may never go back. I might stay in Vegas. - Here we go.
Doug 你就嘚瑟吧 因為到了周日... Doug, enjoy yourself, because come Sunday...
你就要開始漸漸死去了 you're gonna start dying just a little bit every day.
嗯 所以我這麼長時間以來都單身 Yeah. That's why I've managed to stay single this whole time, you know?
- 真的嗎 這是你單身的原因 - 對 - Oh, really? That's why you're single? - Yeah.
嗯 很高興知道 Cool. Good to know.
- 我可以右轉向嗎 Alan - 可以 - Am I all right over there, Alan? - Yeah, you're good.
天啊 Aw, Jesus Christ!
- 天啊 - 太厲害了 - Oh, my God! - That was awesome!
一點也不厲害 你什麼毛病啊 That was not awesome. What's wrong with you?
簡直瘋了 我們差點死了 That was insane. We almost just died.
你該看看自己的表情 You should have seen your face.
- 太經典了 - 有意思 - Classic. - That's funny.
一點也不有意思 It's not funny.
- 天啊 你的車好酷啊 - 別碰 - Boy, you've got a sweet ride there. - Don't touch it.
連看都別看 走吧 快走 Don't even look at it. Go on, get out.
你聽到我的話了 也別看我 You heard me. Don't look at me, either.
對 你最好趕緊走 Yeah, you better walk on.
- 他其實挺有意思的 - 嗯 他沒有惡意 - He's actually kind of funny. - Yeah, he means well.
我會在公共場所打老人的 I'll hit an old man in public.
他精神還健全吧 Is he all there? Like, mentally?
應該吧 他就是有點奇怪 怪怪的 I think so. He's just an odd guy. You know, he's kind of weird.
- 我們需要擔心嗎 - 不用 - I mean, should we be worried? - No.
- 好 - 不用 - All right. - No.
Tracy說不要讓他賭博 Tracy did mention that we shouldn't let him gamble.
也別讓他喝太多 Or drink too much.
他就跟個小魔怪一樣 指指點點 Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
再要一瓶水 And one water.
Melissa那邊沒事吧 All good with Melissa?
我跟她說我們還有兩小時到酒鄉 她信了 Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
你們都已經談戀愛三年了 去趟維加斯還要瞞著她 You think it's strange you've been in a relationship for three years...
你不覺得奇怪嗎 and you have to lie about Vegas?
覺得 但是相信我 不值得為這事吵 Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
所以你不能去維加斯 Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but
但是她可以遊輪會上和服務生亂搞 she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
首先 那人是個酒保 Okay, first of all, he was a bartender.
而且她喝多了 And she was wasted.
如果你非要追問的話 他壓根都沒進去 And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.
你相信嗎 And you believe that?
對 我相信 因為她很討厭精液 Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.
一共三十二塊五 That'll be 32.50.
三十二塊五 你付嗎 It's 32.50, you gonna pay for it?
上面寫我們應該團隊合作 誰想當我的觀察員 It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
我覺得你今晚 I don't think you should
還是少賭博吧 Alan be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
賭博 誰說要賭博了 Gambling? Who said anything about gambling?
你知道自己肯定會贏的話 就不是賭博了 It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win.
算牌是萬無一失的方法 Counting cards is a foolproof system.
還是違法的 It's also illegal.
不是違法的 只是會惹人不快而已 It's not illegal, it's frowned upon,
就像在飛機上手淫 like masturbating on an airplane.
我很肯定 這也是違法的 I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
嗯 911之後 大家都變敏感了 Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive.
謝謝了 本·拉登 Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
不管怎樣 算牌的人必須是非常聰明的人 Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
- 是嗎 - 不容易算 - Oh, really? - It's not easy.
你應該跟雨人去講這句話 Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man
因為他差點就讓一家賭場破產了 而他很遲鈍 because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard.
什麼 What?
他很遲鈍 He was a retard.
遲鈍 Retard.
到了 Here we go.
歡迎來到凱撒 Hi, welcome to Caesars.
- 你好 - 辦理入住嗎 - Hello. - Checking in?
我們有預定 普萊斯醫生 Yeah. We have a reservation under Dr. Price.
好的 我查一下 Okay, let me look that up for you.
普萊斯醫生 Dr. Price?
Stu 你就是個牙醫 別把自己叫得這麼高級 Stu, you're a dentist, okay? Don't try and get fancy.
不是高級 本來就是真的 It's not fancy if it's true.
他是個牙醫 別太高興 - He's a dentist. Don't get too excited.
如果有人心臟病發作 And if, uh, someone has a heart attack,
你還是要打911 you should still call 911.
我們會的 We'll be sure to do that.
能問你個問題嗎 Can I ask you a question?
這間酒店可以用尋呼機嗎 Do you know if the hotel's pager-friendly?
- 什麼意思 - 我的尋呼機收不到信號 - What do you mean? - I'm not getting a sig on my beeper.
- 我也不確定 - 這裡有付費電話銀行嗎 - I'm not sure. - Is there a payphone bank?
就是有一堆付費電話的地方 工作有事 Bunch of payphones? Business.
您的房間有電話 Um, there's a phone in your room.
那可以 That'll work.
您的房間在十二樓 雙床房 可以嗎 So I have you in a two-bedroom suite on the 12th floor, is that okay?
非常好 It sounds perfect.
我想問下 你們還有豪華套間嗎 Actually, I was wondering if you had any villas available.
- Phil 我們壓根都不會待在房間裡 - 沒必要 - Phil, we're not even gonna be in the room. - It's unnecessary.
沒什麼大不了的 我們可以一起睡 就一晚 No big deal. We can share beds. It's one night.
如果要一起睡 我跟Phil一張床 If we're share beds, I'm bunking with Phil.
- 你沒問題吧 - 不 我有問題 - You good with that? - No, I'm not good with that.
大家 才不要一起睡呢 我們又不是十二歲男孩 Guys, we are not sharing beds. What are we, 12 years old?
Lisa 不好意思 豪華套間多少錢 Lisa, I apologize. How much is the villa?
我們還剩一間豪華套間 一晚上四千二 Well, we have one villa available, and it's 4200 for the night.
- 房間很棒嗎 - 非常棒 - Is it awesome? - It's pretty awesome.
我們就要這間 把信用卡給她 We'll take it. Give her your credit card.
我不能把信用卡給她 I can't give her my credit card.
- 我們AA - 你瘋了嗎 我們出錢 - We'll split it. - Are you crazy? No, this is on us.
你不明白 Mellisa會查我的消費記錄 You don't get it. Melissa checks my statements.
我們只需要信用卡登記一下 We just need a credit card on file.
退房的時候才會收費 We won't charge you until check out,
你們可以那時候再決定怎麼付 so you can figure it out then.
非常好 謝謝 Lisa That's perfect. Thank you, Lisa.
我們明天再想辦法 拿出來吧 We'll deal with it tomorrow. Come on.
好吧 Fine.
- 可以再問你個問題嗎 - 好的 - Can I ask you another question? - Sure.
應該有很多人問過你 You probably get this a lot.
你不是真的凱撒宮殿吧 This isn't the real Caesars Palace, is it?
什麼意思 What do you mean?
就是... Did, uh...
- 凱撒住在這裡嗎 - 不 - Did Caesar live here? - Um, no.
我就說吧 I didn't think so.
天啊 Holy shit.
維加斯 我們來了 Now, this is Vegas.
天啊 這地方好大 Oh, my... This place is enormous.
這就對了 Now we're talking.
這都是一個套間嗎 Is this all one suite?
謝謝你們 Thank you, guys.
或者我該說 謝謝你 Stu Or should I say, "Thank you, Stu"?
不客氣 都是因為我愛你 You're welcome. It's only because I love you.
你們看 免費的杏仁 Hey, guys. Look, free almonds.
- 不不不 放回去 - 我餓了 - Oh, no, no, no. Please put those back. - Wait, I'm just hungry.
- 我知道 但是... - Stu 什麼情況啊 - Well, I know, but... - Stu, what the fuck?
這是壓力感應盤 你拿起來的時候 It's a pressure-sensitive plate. When you pick it up,
有三十秒時間可以放回去 you have 30 seconds to put it back...
- 否則他們就會收費了 - 好精巧啊 - or they bill you. - That's pretty neat.
是很精巧 但是也很貴 所以... It may be neat, but it's also very expensive, so...
這些杏仁大概要十四美金 Those almonds are probably, like, $14.
Stu 放鬆點 Stu, relax.
Phil Mellisa就跟法務會計一樣 Phil, Melissa is like a forensic accountant, okay?
她會審查我的帳單 如果你想吃堅果... She scours my statements. If you want nuts...
- 你就自己刷卡付錢 - 看好了 - put your own credit card down. - Watch this.
問題解決了 Alan 吃你的杏仁吧 Problem solved. Alan, enjoy your almonds.
我不想吃了 他太壞氣氛了 I don't want them. He ruined it.
好了 我們選個房間 All right, let's pick a room,
換個衣服 三十分鐘後出發 let's get dressed. Be ready in 30 minutes.
我希望你可以看看這裡 I just wish you could see this place,
因為你肯定會很喜歡的 because you, of all people, would love it.
嗯 不 這裡很古典 Yeah. No, it's so quaint.
不 這裡沒有電視 沒有電話 Yeah, no, there's no TVs, no phones.
每個房間都有有線收音機 They just have these cute little antique radios in all the rooms.
還有什麼 What else?
我們見到了業主 We met the, uh, proprietor.
- 簡直了... - 他的名字啊 - Oh, I bet you... - What's his name?
凱撒·帕拉提 Um, Caesar. Palacé.
跟沙拉名一樣 Yeah, like the salad.
嗯 我要掛了 Okay. Well, listen, I gotta go,
我們要去品酒會了 because we're gonna hit this wine tasting.
等等 等等 我愛你 好的 拜 Wait, wait. I love you. Okay. Bye.
我一句話都不想說 太尷尬了 I'm not even gonna say anything, it's so embarrassing.
- Alan呢 - 他下樓去了 - Where's Alan? - He, uh, he went downstairs.
他說要拿點東西 He said he had to grab a few things.
很好 正好我有東西想給你們看 Good, because I have something to show you.
- 這什麼東西啊 - 你覺得呢 - What the hell is that? - What do you think it is?
如果是我想的那樣 那簡直是個天大的錯誤 If it's what I think it is, I think it's a big fucking mistake.
我要在你婚禮上跟Melissa求婚 儀式之後 I'm gonna propose to Melissa at your wedding. After the ceremony.
- Stuey 恭喜你 - 謝謝 Doug - Stuey, congratulations! - Thank you, Doug.
- 戒指挺漂亮的 - 嗯 是我奶奶的 - That's a beautiful ring. - Yeah. It's my grandmother's.
她拿著這枚戒指 從大屠殺中倖存了下來 來源清白 She made it all the way through the Holocaust with that thing, it's legit.
我就不明白了 我說的話你是一個字都沒聽進去嗎 I don't get it. Wait, have you not listened to anything I have ever said?
Phil 我們已經在一起三年了 Phil, we've been dating for three years.
是時候了 本來就是這樣的 It's time. This is how it works.
第一 這句話是放屁 第二 她是個十足的婊子 A, that is bullshit. And B, she is a complete bitch.
嘿 你說的是他未婚妻 Hey, that's his fiancée.
怎麼 本來就是 你知道是真的 她打他 What? It's true. It's true. You know it's true. She beats him.
就兩次 當時是我做得太過分了 That was twice, and I was out of line.
她意志很堅定 我很尊敬她這點 She's strong-willed. And I respect that.
他不承認了 更別說 她還和水手亂搞關係 He's in denial. Not to mention, she fucked a sailor.
不是水手 Hey, he wasn't a sailor.
是遊輪上的酒保 你知道的 He was a bartender on a cruise ship. You know that.
大家 我就站在這裡在 Guys, I'm standing right here.
你們說的每個字我都能聽到 So I can hear everything that you're saying.
大家 準備好放狗了嗎 Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out?
- 什麼 - 做什麼 - What? - Do what?
放狗啊 Let the dogs out. You know.
誰把他帶來的 Who brought this guy?
是 Alan 我們準備好放狗了 Yes, Alan, we are ready to let the dogs out.
- 恭喜 - 謝謝 - Hey, congrats. - Thank you.
我愛死這個地方了 I love this fucking town.
- 你不會真要背著吧 - 背什麼 - You're not really wearing that, are you? - Wearing what?
男士包 The man-purse.
你是真的要背 還是你們在逗我呢 You're actually gonna wear that or are you guys fucking with me?
我東西都放這裡面 It's where I keep all my things.
很多人都說好看 I get a lot of compliments on this.
而且 這不是男士包 這是肩背包 Plus, it's not a man-purse. It's called a satchel.
印地安納・鐘斯就背這個 Indiana Jones wears one.
喬伊·比哈也背這個 So does Joy Behar.
- 我們是上 - 嗯 正好 - We're going up, guys. - Yeah, that's perfect.
真的嗎 Really?
我們要上樓 We're going up?
上面寫得很清楚 I'm just saying, it's clearly marked, okay?
我們顯然不應該上來的 We are definitely not supposed to be up here.
拜託 我們可是付了豪華套間的錢 Come on, we're paying for a villa.
我們可以為所欲為 We can do whatever the fuck we want.
- 但是... - 把門懟上 - Yeah, but... - Just wedge the door open.
- 大家 過來吧 - 好 - Guys, come on up here. - Fine.
你怎麼找到這個地方的 How the hell did you find this place?
別擔心 Don't worry about it.
- 你沒事吧 - 嗯 - You all right? - Yeah.
- 這裡風景太好了 - 開心嗎 - Look at the view up here. - You happy?
太棒了 This is great.
你太厲害了 Are you kidding?
- Alan 你沒事吧 哥們 - 沒事 - Alan, how we doing, buddy? - Good.
- 你拿著什麼呢 Alan - 那是埃菲爾鐵塔 - What do you got over there, Alan? - That's the Eiffel Tower.
- 是嗎 - 喝點野格酒 - Right? - A little Jägermeister.
- 好主意 - 做得好 - Good idea. - There it is. Good call.
在樓頂上 On the roof.
挺好喝的 我們幹一杯吧 Um, no, this is good. I'd like to make a toast.
敬Doug和Tracy To Doug and Tracy.
希望今晚... May tonight be...
成為你們幸福持久婚姻的 but a minor speed bump...
一個小小的緩衝劑 in an otherwise very long and healthy marriage.
- 乾杯 - 乾杯 - Cheers. - Cheers.
簡短溫馨 Short and sweet.
好像回到了大學 Oh, it's like college.
- 嗯 我有話想說 - 好 - All right. I wanna talk about something. - All right.
- 我要... - 我想... - I want to... - I'd like to...
我想說幾句... I'd like to say something...
我準備今晚 that I prepared...
- 要說的 - 好 Alan - tonight. - All right, Alan.
你好啊 "Hello.
剛才的自駕之行怎麼樣 How about that ride in?
所以他們才叫這裡是罪惡之城 I guess that's why they call it Sin City.
你們可能不知道 You guys might not know this,
但是我覺得自己是個獨行俠 but I consider myself a bit of a loner.
我把自己想像成是只有一匹狼的狼群 I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.
但是我妹妹帶Doug回家時 But when my sister brought Doug home,
我就知道他是自己人 I knew he was one of my own.
我的狼群裡自此就多了一頭狼 And my wolf pack, it grew by one.
有兩頭... 我的兩群裡就有兩頭狼了 So were there two... So there were two of us in the wolf pack.
之前只有我一個 後來Doug加入了我 I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later.
六個月之前 And six months ago...
Doug介紹我們認識的時候 我想著 when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought:
'等等 有可能嗎' 現在 我可以肯定了 'Wait a second. Could it be? ' And now, I know for sure.
我的狼群裡有多了兩匹狼" I just added two more guys to my wolf pack."
- 好 - 好 - All right. - All right.
"我們這四匹狼 "Four of us wolves...
在拉斯維加斯的沙漠中奔走 running around the desert together in Las Vegas...
尋找著脫衣舞女郎和可卡因" looking for strippers and cocaine."
今晚 So tonight...
- 我想要幹一杯 - 哇 - I make a toast. - Whoa.
- 什麼 - 你幹什麼呢 - What...? - What do you got there?
- 哥們 你在幹嘛 - 你他媽幹什麼呢 - Dude, what the fuck? - What the hell are you doing?
- 這什麼啊 - 歃血為盟 - What is that? - Blood brothers.
- 別 你幹嘛... - 天啊 - Don't... Why did you...? - Damn it.
- 給 - Alan - Here. - Alan...
- 不 - 不 我不要 - No. - No, I'm not doing that.
- 來吧 Stuart - 讓他住手 - Go ahead, Stuart. - Make him stop.
Alan 我們不會割手掌的 把刀給我 Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves. Give me the knife.
慢點 謝謝 好了 謝謝 Slowly. Thank you. Okay. Thank you very much.
沒事吧 你還好吧 You all right? Are you okay?
- 需要醫生嗎 - 他沒事 - Do you need a doctor? - He's good.
- 確定嗎 - 我沒事 - You sure? - I'm good.
很好 我想大家聽我說幾句 All right, good, because I need everybody to focus.
我想花點時間 聊一聊 I wanna take a moment, I wanna talk about some...
我想聊一聊記憶 I wanna talk about memory.
不 更確切的說 我想聊聊選擇性記憶 No, better yet, I wanna talk about selective memory.
不管今晚發生了什麼 You see, whatever happens here tonight
都要當做從沒發生過 may as well never have happened at all...
因為今晚從來就不存在 because this circle's about as far as it's ever gonna go.
也就是說 忘記今晚吧 In other words, forget everything.
Doug 我是認真的 我還有妻子兒子呢 Doug, I'm serious. I got a wife and kid.
不管好壞 我們什麼都不記得 所以就沒什麼好說的 Okay, good or bad, we don't remember so we got nothing to talk about.
什麼都沒有 大家 沒有 Nothing, guys. Nothing.
說定了 Deal?
- 沒問題 - 沒問題 - Deal. - Deal.
- 很好 Alan 過來 哥們- 站過來 瘋子 - Perfect. Alan, come here, buddy. - Get in here, crazy.
敬記憶中不存在之夜... All right, to a night we'll never remember...
但我們四個永遠不會忘記 but the four of us will never forget.
- 這就對了 - 是 是 - There it is. - Hear, hear.
謝了 大家 Hey, thanks, guys.
蠢老虎 Stupid tiger.
搞什麼啊 What the fuck?
控制下自己 天啊 你能穿條褲子嗎 Control yourself, man. Goddamn, will you put on some pants?
- Phil 別去洗手間 - Al 冷靜點 是我 - Phil, do not go in the bathroom. - AI, just calm down. It's me.
Phil 洗手間裡有只老虎 Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.
- 怎麼了 - 洗手間裡有只叢林貓 - What's going on? - There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!
- 好 好 Al 我去看看 - 別進去 - Okay, okay, Al. Al, I'll check it out. - Don't go in.
別進去 別進去 小心點 別 Don't go in, don't go in. Be careful. Don't, don't.
- 天啊 他說的是真的 - 看到沒 - Oh! Holy fuck! He's not kidding. - See? See?
- 裡面有只老虎 - 不 沒有 - There's a tiger in there. - No, there isn't.
- 它很大 - 你沒事吧 - It's big. Gigantic. - You okay, buddy?
有事 我現在感覺很疼 No. I am in so much pain right now.
天啊 看看這成什麼樣子了 Goddamn. Look at this place.
Phil 我的信用卡在酒店手上 我完蛋了 I know. Phil, they have my credit card downstairs. I am so screwed.
老虎是怎麼跑到洗手間去的 差點要了我小命 How does a tiger get in the bathroom? It almost killed me.
哥們 你能穿條褲子嗎 Hey, bro? You mind putting on some pants?
第二次問了 我感覺有點奇怪 I find it a little weird I have to ask twice.
這種時候穿褲子 我沒有褲... Pants at a time like this? I don't have any p...
昨晚發生了什麼 What the fuck happened last night?
Phil 我少了顆牙嗎 Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?
我不... 天啊 I can't... Oh, shit.
天啊 Oh, my God.
我的側切牙... 不見了 My lateral incisor's... It's gone!
沒事的 沒事的 冷靜點 It's okay. Okay, okay. Just calm down.
沒事的 我們沒事 We're fine. Everything's fine.
Alan 把Doug叫起來 Alan, go wake up Doug.
我們去喝點咖啡 Let's get some coffee
然後趁清潔工來之前趕緊離開內華達 and get the fuck out of Nevada before housekeeping shows.
我要怎麼跟Melissa交代 What am I gonna tell Melissa?
我少了顆牙 但我不知道是什麼情況 I lost a tooth. I have no idea how it happened.
你嚇死我了 哥們 You're freaking me out, man.
我頭痛的要死 我們先冷靜點 I got a massive headache, okay? Let's just calm down.
我怎麼冷靜 你看看周圍 How am I supposed to calm down? Look around you.
- 他不在 - 你看了所有房間嗎 - Hey, guys, he's not in there. - Did you check all the rooms?
對 我到處都看了 他的床墊也不見了 Yeah, I looked everywhere. Plus, his mattress is gone.
他可能去泳池找吃的去了 He probably went to the pool to get something to eat.
我給他打個電話 I'll just call his cell.
我看著像個愚蠢的鄉巴佬 I look like a nerdy hillbilly.
- 喂 - Alan - Hello? - Alan.
- 我是Phil - 嘿 Phil - It's Phil. - Oh, hey, Phi...
這是Doug的手機 這是Doug的手機 This is Doug's phone. This is Doug's phone.
- 簡直了 - 嗯 - No shit. - Yeah.
什麼聲音啊 What the fuck is that?
這是誰的寶寶 Whose fucking baby is that?
Alan 你確定房間裡沒其他人了嗎 Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
確定 所有房間我都看了 沒人 Yeah, I checked all the rooms. No one's here.
看看他衣領之類的地方 Check its collar or something.
- 沒事的 寶貝 - Stu 我們沒時間了 - It's okay, baby. - Stu, we don't have time for this.
我們去找Doug 晚點再處理這個寶寶 Let's go hook up with Doug, we'll deal with the baby later.
Phil 我們不能把他留在房間裡 Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room.
- 洗手間裡有只老虎 - 這又不是我們的寶寶 - There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom. - It's not our baby.
我同意Stu的話 Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.
行吧 我們帶他一起走 All right, fine. Okay, we'll take it with us.
你能不能找個褲子穿上 Could you at least just find some pants?
昨晚的事我們怎麼一點都不記得了 Why can't we remember a goddamn thing from last night?
因為很顯然 我們玩得很嗨 Because we obviously had a great fucking time.
你能不能不要這麼著急 Why don't you just stop worrying for one minute?
要為自己感到驕傲 Be proud of yourself.
我也說不好 Phil 可能是因為少了顆牙 I don't know, Phil. Maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth.
也可能是因為酒店房間裡有只老虎 Or maybe it's because there's a tiger in our hotel room...
而它順手把整間房都毀了 which, incidentally, is completely destroyed.
Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, I know.
Maybe it's because we found a baby, a human baby.
That's it. That's it.
It's because we found a fucking baby.
I don't think you shouldn't curse around the child.
Really? I think you shouldn't be around a child.
Oh, how cute. What's his name?
- Ben. - Carlos.
Carlos?
謝謝 Thank you.
Phil 看 Hey, Phil, look.
He's jacking his little weenis.
- Pull yourself together, man. - Not at the table, Carlos.
I looked everywhere.
Gym, casino, front desk. Nobody's seen Doug. He's not here.
He's fine. He's a grown man.
Seriously, Stu, you gotta calm down. Here, have some juice.
I can't have juice right now.
Okay. All right. Let's just track this thing.
What's the last thing we remember doing last night?
Well, the first thing was we were on the roof...
...and were having those shots of Jäger.
And then we ate dinner at The Palm. Right?
That's right.
And then we played craps at the Hard Rock,
and I think Doug was there.
That sounds right. No, no. He definitely was.
You know what, guys? I don't even remember going to dinner.
What the fuck? I don't think I've ever been this hung-over.
After the Hard Rock, I blacked out. It was like emptiness.
Okay. We have up until 10 p. M...
...so that gives us a
12-hour window where we could have lost him.
- What is this? - Oh, my God. That is my tooth.
Why do you have that? What else is in your pockets?
This is a good thing. No. Check your pockets. Check your pockets.
Do you have anything?
I have an ATM receipt from the Bellagio.
Eleven-oh-five for $800! I am so fucked.
I have a valet ticket from Caesars.
Looks like we got in at 5:15 a.M.
Oh, shit. We drove last night?
Driving drunk. Classic.
你手上是什麼 What's on your arm?
- What the fuck is that? - Jesus, Phil.
- You were in the hospital last night. - I guess so, yeah.
- You okay? - Yeah, Alan. I'm fine.
What the hell is going on?
Well, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing. We have a lead now.
Hey, Stu, watch this.
- You ever seen a baby do that? - Dude, Alan, not cool.
So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
- You found a baby before? - Yeah.
- Where? - Coffee Bean.
Wait, what?
Hey, Phil? I don't think Doug would want us to take the Mercedes.
Relax, we'll be careful.
My dad is crazy about that car. He left Doug in charge...
Alan. We got bigger problems here.
Doug could be in the hospital, he could be hurt.
- Let's worry about the car later. - Uh, guys? Check it out.
All right, grab it from the other side.
Is that the mattress from Doug's room?
What the fuck?
Hey, man, what's going on here?
Some asshole threw his bed out the window last night.
- No shit. - Yeah.
Some guys just can't handle Vegas.
Oh, God.
It's gonna be okay, Stu.
How the hell did we manage that?
- Here's your car, officers. - Oh, God.
All right, everybody act cool. All right, don't say a word.
Come on, let's just get in and go. Come on.
- Stu, you got a five? - No.
- I'll hit you on the way back. - Thank you, sir.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You just nailed the baby.
Are my glasses okay?
Your glasses are fine, dick.
This is so illegal.
Can't you see the fun part in anything?
Yeah, we're stuck in traffic in a stolen police car...
...with a missing child in the back seat.
Which part of this is fun?
- I think the cop-car part's pretty cool.
- Thank you, Alan. It is cool.
Doug would love it.
Come on.
- Check this out. - Oh, no. No, Phil. No, Phil.
Don't do this!
- Take it easy. - Just try to call more attention to us.
- Attention. - Sorry.
Attention, please. Move out of the way.
I repeat, please disperse.
Phil, stop the car, I wanna get out.
Stop the car, I wanna get out. Pull over.
Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack.
Get off the sidewalk! Get off the sidewalk!
I should have been a fucking cop.
Look, I already told you.
You came in with a mild concussion,
some bruised ribs. No big deal.
Although none of you could articulate how it happened.
Do you remember how many of us were here?
Ah...
I don't know. I think it was just you guys. Definitely no baby.
- And one other guy. - That's our guy. Was he okay?
Yeah. He was fine. Just whacked out of his mind. You all were.
All right, come forward. And turn.
All right.
There you go. And cough.
Cough. Cough. Give me one more.
All right. Thattaboy.
Okay, Felix, you can put your robe on.
And the nurse will be in here in a minute.
I'll see you after the weekend.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, doctor.
Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry.
I have a surgery up on the fourth floor.
No, I know. But we just need a couple more minutes of your time.
Yeah. Tuck it right in there. I don't want to re-sterilize.
Walk with me.
Okay, here we go. Patient name, Phil Wenneck, 2:45 a.M. Arrival.
Minor concussion, like I said. Some bruising. Pretty standard.
Do you mind if I look? I'm actually a doctor.
Yeah, you said that several times last night.
But really, you're just a dentist.
Okay, this is interesting. Your blood work came in this morning.
Wow.
They found a large amount of Ruphylin in your system.
Ruphylin. Roofies. Commonly known as the date-rape drug.
What, so, what are you saying, I was raped last night?
Actually...
I don't think so. But someone did slip you the drug.
I'm not surprised you don't remember anything.
Doc, none of us can remember anything from last night. Remember?
Yeah. How could someone have drugged all of us?
I wouldn't worry about it.
The stuff's out of your system. You're gonna be fine.
Wait, wait, wait. Please, doctor. Is there anything else?
Like, something we may have been talking about,
or some place we were going?
Actually, there was something.
You guys kept talking about some wedding last night.
Yeah. No shit. Our buddy Doug's getting married tomorrow.
- You know what? I want the 100 back. - No, no. Easy.
You kept talking about some wedding you just came from.
At the, uh, Best Little Chapel.
You kept saying how sick the
wedding was and getting all crazy about it.
Okay, I hope this helps. I really have to leave.
Best Little Chapel, do you know where that is?
I do. It's at the corner of Get A Map and Fuck Off.
I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.
Figure it out yourself, okay? You're big boys.
What about the baby?
Leave him in the car. We're gonna be five minutes.
Whoa, we're not leaving a baby in the car.
He'll be fine. I cracked the window.
- What if they don't remember us? - Well, let's just find out.
I'm sor... Excuse me, sir? Hi.
Look at these guys.
What happened? You miss me?
You miss Eddie? You want more from me?
How are you, my friend? Look at this guy. You're fucking crazy.
What's going on, man?
Listen, I'm gonna tell you something.
I know some sick people in my life.
This guy is the craziest,
wildest bastard I ever met in my life, man.
- This guy? - This guy is out of his mind.
What's going on, you fucking crazy motherfucker?
I thought he was gonna eat my dick.
What happened? No love for Eddie? You don't hug me?
No, no. It's not that, Eddie.
Uh, it's just that we're having a
hard time remembering what happened here last night.
Yeah, was there a wedding here? Do you do weddings here?
You are cracking my balls, man.
I love these guys. Zolea, what are you doing?
Bring my friends some tea, some baklava, huh? Come on.
Unbelievable, man. Look at this chick.
Beautiful ass, no fucking brain.
But this is Vegas. You want intimacy,
forget it. You're gonna get sex.
That's it here, man. No problem for me, though.
You want chicks? I can get you beautiful chicks...
...from the Eastern Bloc. No questions.
Clean, tight. The tits like that, the nipple like that.
Obviously we were here. We're looking for our friend Doug.
- Do you remember? - Yeah, the small guy. Like a monkey.
- Yeah. - You saw him?
Of course.
Is there anything you can
tell us about what may have happened last night?
You don't remember nothing?
- Congratulations, Stu, you got married.
- This... This can't be happening.
- Oh, God. - Look at that.
I'll tell you one thing, you look seriously happy here, man.
That's it. My life is over.
Stu, it's okay. Look, shit happens.
Come on. Melissa's not gonna know anything about this.
- This never happened. I'll take care of it.
- Come on. Put it here.
Hey, what's all that?
The High Roller package.
It's what you ordered. I have coffee mugs.
- What? - You have baseball caps, huh?
And fancy calendars, all with pictures of Stu and Jade.
Her name's Jade?
Yeah, and she's beautiful,
man. Clean, very tight. Tits like that.
- But that's because she had a baby. - That explains the baby.
- Oh, Carlos. Carlos. - Great. All right.
Uh, here's the deal. We made a mistake last night.
We need this marriage annulled. You do annulments?
Of course I do. It breaks my heart and gonna make me sad...
...but it's no problem. Good price for you.
I can't do it with just him,
though. I need the chick. I need both parties.
Oh, not a problem. That's great. Isn't that great, Stu?
Come on, buddy. She probably knows where Doug is.
- Awesome. - All right, all right. Okay. Uh...
We need her address. She filled out some paperwork, right?
Of course.
Hey. Excuse me. What is the matter with you?
Go and get the paperwork, man.
- I spend my life waiting for you. Come on. - Okay. I'm going.
And get the baklava, please.
- Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car?
- I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back.
Then I vote we torch the cop car and all this shit with it.
- Torch it? Who are you? - I don't know, Phil.
Apparently I'm a guy who marries complete strangers.
This whole situation is completely fucked.
- These mugs. This hat. This car. - Hey!
It's all evidence of a night that never happened.
That is why we're torching all of it.
Whoa, I'm a schoolteacher, I got a family, okay?
I'm all for secrecy, but I'm not gonna torch a cop car.
- Fine. I'll do it. - Can I help?
- Yeah, thanks. - And how exactly are you gonna do that?
Easy. You just pour kerosene over a ferret,
light it on both ends, put it in.
They're attracted to the gas lines.
- What? A ferret? - Yeah. Yeah.
Or a tamed raccoon, but it's a lot of trouble.
- If you wanna... - Does it matter if it's tamed?
Yeah, because if it's untamed,
it won't take the kerosene as well.
- Is it Doug? - I don't have it.
It's Doug, it's Doug.
Uh, it's Melissa.
- Don't answer. - I have to. She's called twice already!
- Can I ride shotgun? - Don't touch me.
Hey, sweetheart, how are you?
There you are. This is the third time I'm trying you.
I know. The reception up here's crazy.
I think it's all the sequoia trees, block the signal.
Ugh, I hate that. So how was it last night?
Ah, it was really fun, actually.
It was quiet, but it was a good time.
That sounds nice.
- I'm learning all kinds of vino factoids. - Hi.
It'd be so cool if I could breast-feed, you know?
Well, listen...
- ...we're about to go for a tractor ride. - What the fuck?
- I should get going. So pretty. - A tractor ride?
- Go, out of the car! - What was that?
They started up the tractor. I think it backfired.
- Where the hell is he? - Hey, easy, easy.
I think we're looking for the same guy, okay?
Hey! What the hell, man?
What the fuck, Stu? Is that a baby?
Why would there be a baby? We're at a winery. That's a goat.
- Where is he? - I don't know! What are you talking about?
Sir, can you please start the tractor so we can get out of here?
I'm trying to, but we're fucking blocked.
Oh, my God! What the hell is happening, Stu?
- Hey! There's a baby on board! - Someone just said "Baby."
- Get out of the car! - It's a baby goat.
Why you making trouble for my business, man?
- Go away from here. - Get out of the car!
- Phil, he's got a gun! - No shit he's got a gun!
- I gotta call you back. Bye. - Come on.
- Fuck! Shit. - He shot me!
- He shot Eddie! - Fuck this shit!
Fuck! Fuck!
Go, go, go!
Fuck.
Okay. Oh, that was some sick shit!
Who were those guys?
We're gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay.
What the fuck is going on?!
I have no idea.
Why don't you just let that go to voicemail?
Ha-ha-ha.
That's a fake laugh, by the way.
It's got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. And that Jewish actor.
Shut up, Alan.
- What room was it again? - It's 825.
I know, I did. I already checked with her.
I found him, I'll call you back. Thank God, he's with his father.
I was freaking out. I missed you, sweetie.
And I miss you.
No.
- What the hell happened to you guys?
- Actually, we were hoping you could tell us.
What do you mean? I got up this morning, I went to get coffee...
...and I came back and you were gone.
- Why are you being so quiet? - I'm not being quiet.
Ha, ha. You're so cute.
Yeah, I gotta feed Tyler. Come inside, you guys.
Did you hear that? Baby's name is Tyler.
Yeah. I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.
Okay, what's up? You guys are acting weird.
- Look, it's Jade, right? - Very funny, Phil.
Right, Jade, uh, ahem, you remember our friend, Doug.
Are you kidding? He was the best man.
Exactly. Well, we can't find him, and we're getting worried.
Oh, my God, that is so Doug.
Ha, ha. Oh.
Oh, sweetie, I'm... I'm gonna go clean him off.
It's all right, Daddy didn't mean it.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck, man, you gotta hold it together.
- Holy shit. - She is super hot.
- You should be proud of yourself.
- She's wearing my grandmother's ring!
- What? - The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa.
You remember, my grandmother's Holocaust ring?
- Fuck. Okay. - She's wearing it.
I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.
- He's okay. - Oh, good.
- He was just hungry, he's fine. - Oh, good.
About last night, uh, ahem,
do you remember the last time you saw Doug?
- Uh, I haven't seen him since the wedding.
- The wedding. Okay. Great.
And, uh, we can't re... What time was that at?
Well, it was, um...
I guess it was around 1,
because I had to go back to work and finish my shift.
And then when I got out I headed over to the hotel with Tyler.
And was Doug there then?
I didn't see Doug because
you guys were passed out. The room was a wreck.
- So I just curled up next to Stu. Uh-huh.
- Rowr. - Oh.
I got a question. Um, you said when your shift ended.
Does that mean you're a nurse? Or a blackjack dealer?
- You know this. I'm a stripper. - Mm-hm.
Well, technically I'm an escort,
but stripping's a great way to meet the clients.
- Smart. - Savvy.
But that's all in the past, now that I married a doctor.
I'm just a dentist.
- Las Vegas Police! Freeze! - Okay.
Shut that baby up! Shut that baby up!
- Oh, God! - Okay, okay, okay.
After we take the mug shots, we bring them down here...
...where they wait to be interviewed by the arresting officers.
Trust me, kids, you do not wanna be sitting on these benches.
We call this place Loserville.
Follow me. All right, let's do it. Come on.
Hello.
- Hey, Tracy! It's Phil. - Hey, Phil.
- Where are you guys? - We are at the spa at the hotel.
Cool. We're just getting some sun. Is Doug around?
Of course. Why wouldn't he be?
I'm just wondering why you're calling me.
Um...
We made a deal, no talking to girlfriends or wives.
So we're all calling each other's.
Okay. What's up?
Uh, you are not gonna believe this.
We got comped an extra night at the hotel.
You did?
Yeah. The suite is... It's ridiculous. It's out of control.
There's, like, room service and a butler. I mean, just the works.
We're thinking of spending the night...
...and we're gonna come back in the morning.
You wanna stay an extra night? But the wedding's tomorrow.
That's why we're gonna get up early,
and we'll be back in plenty of time.
Okay. Are you sure that's a good idea?
Wenneck, Price, Garner. Room 3.
Okay, Trace, I gotta go. We'll talk to you later.
Uh...
- Come on, chop-chop. - Okay, spin around.
- That's it. - Goddamn it.
- Wait a second. - I'll go over. I'll go over.
- Stop pulling. - Can you just...? Hold on.
We got it. Alan, just relax. And then just... There we go.
Good.
Gentlemen.
We've got some good news, and we've got some bad news.
The good news is we found your Mercedes.
- That's great news. - That's great. See?
Yeah, it's over at impound right now.
We picked it up at 5 a.M. This morning...
...parked in the middle of Las Vegas Boulevard.
- In the middle. That's weird. - Yeah, that is weird.
There was also a note.
It says, uh, "Couldn't find a meter, but here's 4 bucks."
The bad news is...
...we can't get you in front of a judge until Monday morning.
Oh, no, uh, officer, that's just impossible.
No, we need to be in L.A. Tomorrow for a wedding.
- You stole a police car.
- We didn't steal anything. Um, we found it.
Yeah, if anything, we
deserve a reward or something, like a trophy.
- I see assholes like you every day. - Every fucking day.
"Let's go to Vegas, we'll all get drunk and laid!
- Yeah. Whoo! Woo-hoo. - Woo-hoo.
Let's steal a cop car, because it'd be really fucking funny."
Think you gonna get away with it? Not up in here.
- Not up in here! - Oh.
Uh...
Sir...
...if I may, um...
...l'm assuming that that squad car belongs to one of you.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Look, I'm not a cop.
I'm no hero. I'm a schoolteacher.
But if one of my kids went missing on a field trip...
...that would look really bad on me.
- What are you getting at? - Yeah, Phil, what are you getting at?
No one wants to look bad. We gotta get to a wedding...
...and you guys don't need people talking about...
...how some obnoxious
tourists borrowed your squad car last night.
But look, the point is, I think we can work out a deal.
Discreetly of course, ma'am.
What do you say?
Let me ask you a question:
Do, uh, any of you gentlemen
have a heart condition or anything like that?
Uh, no.
Okay, kids, you're in for a real treat today.
These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate...
...how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect.
Ooh!
- That's right. - Wait a sec. What?
Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun. Up close and personal.
- What the fuck? - Or you can shoot it from a distance.
Do I have any volunteers?
You wanna come up here and do some shooting? Huh?
All right, how about you, young lady? Come on up here. All right.
Let's go, handsome, come on.
Not you, fat Jesus, slide it on back. You, pretty boy.
- Fat Jesus. - All right, now, it's real simple.
All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot.
All right?
Okay, look. You don't really wanna do this.
You can do this. Just focus.
Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this through.
Finish him!
- Oh, fuck. - Yeah!
Right in the nuts! That was beautiful.
- Well done. Give her a hand, everybody. - Good job. Good job.
Good job. Well done. Good job. That was great.
Good. Hey, we got one more charge left.
Anybody wanna do some shooting up here?
How about you, big man? Come on up here.
Okay, same instructions. Just point, aim and shoot.
There you go. That's the stuff.
I like the intensity.
Eye of the tiger. Good.
You're holding 50,000 volts, little man.
Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
In the face! In the face!
Oh, he's still up. He's still up.
- Aah! - No.
All right, everybody relax, take it easy.
We've seen it before. He just needs a little extra charge.
There we go.
Some of these big boys, you gotta give them two shots.
All right, kids, who wants to get
their fingerprints done, huh? Come on, let's go.
Fuck those guys, you hear me?
That was bullshit. I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car.
- They let us go, who cares? - I care!
You can't just do that. You can't
just tase people because you think it's funny.
That's police brutality.
I'm getting a soda. Do you guys want anything?
No.
My man doesn't shut up. Jesus Christ.
Alan, you okay?
I'm just worried.
What if something happened to Doug? Something bad.
Come on, you can't think like that.
I mean, what if he's dead?
I can't afford to lose
anybody close to me again. It hurts too much.
- I was so upset when my grandpa died.
- Oh, I'm s... How'd he die?
- World War II. - Died in battle?
No, he was skiing in Vermont. It was just during World War II.
Alan...
...Doug is fine. - Well, why hasn't he called?
I don't know, but we're gonna figure it out.
I'll tell you another thing, 6-1 odds our car is beat to shit.
Stu, not now.
No, how much do you wanna bet it's fucked beyond recognition?
That's enough. Alan's seriously worried,
okay? Let's not freak him out any more.
Sorry, Alan.
You know what?
We'll search the car for clues and everything's gonna be okay.
Oh, shit. I can't watch. Just tell me what it looks like.
Not looking. Not looking.
- Wow. All right. - Oh, thank God.
You see?
It's gonna be all right.
- Anything? - Hmm, I got a cigar.
Oh, I found, uh... These are some black shoes.
- They women's shoes? - I don't know.
- Whose are those? - I don't know. It's a men's size 6.
- That's weird. - What is this, a snakeskin?
Oh, come on! Ew!
- That's a used condom, Alan. - Oh, God. Blech!
- Get it out of the car. - Gross, it's wet.
- I don't want the thing. - Hey! Come on.
I got jizz on me. Jesus Christ, guys!
- Get it out. - Fuck!
Oh, my God.
All right, what the fuck,
man? We gotta get this shit together, guys!
What was that?
It's in the trunk.
- Doug's in the trunk. - Oh, fuck! Holy shit!
Holy shit!
- Open it! Open it! Open it! - Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Oh God!
Please! Please! Please stop!
Whoa. I'm with you, I'm with you!
- You gonna fuck on me? - Nobody's gonna fuck on you!
We're on your side. I hate Godzilla! I hate him too. I hate him!
He destroys cities! Please!
This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.
What the fuck was that?
I have internal bleeding. Somebody call 911.
That was some fucked up shit.
Who was that guy? He was so mean.
Guys, there's something I need to tell you.
Last night on the roof, before we went out...
...I slipped something in our Jägermeister.
- What? - I'm sorry, I fudged up, guys.
- You drugged us? - No, I didn't drug you.
I was told it was ecstasy.
Well, who told you it was ecstasy?
The guy I bought it from at the liquor store.
Why would you give us ecstasy?
I wanted everybody to have a
good time and I knew you guys wouldn't take it.
It was just one hit each. I used to do three hits a night.
But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan, it was roofies!
You think I knew that, Stu?
The guy I bought it from seemed like a real straight shooter.
You mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy?
Let's just calm down.
You fucking calm down! He drugged us.
I lost a tooth. I married a whore.
- How dare you! She's a nice lady.
- You are such a fucking moron.
- Your language is offensive. - Fuck you!
All right, let's just take a deep breath, okay?
Seriously, this is a good thing.
At least it's not some
stranger who drugged us for God knows what reason.
Yeah, you're right, Phil, it's totally a good thing.
We're so much better off now.
Here's something I would like to remind you two of:
Our best friend Doug is probably facedown in a ditch right now...
...with a meth-head butt-fucking his corpse.
- That's highly unlikely. - It's true.
Does not help. All right, let's get our shit together, guys.
Let's go back to the hotel, and I'm gonna make a couple calls.
Maybe Doug's back there. Maybe he's asleep.
Come on. Let's go.
- Stu? Little help? - Shut up.
- Ow. - Oh, God. Oh, God, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. - Alan, I'm sorry.
Wait, guys. Guys.
What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger.
How the fuck did he get in there?
- I don't know, because I don't remember.
- Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down.
Because one of the, uh, side effects of,
uh, roofies is memory loss.
You are literally too stupid to insult.
- Thank you. - Hey.
Hey, come on.
Did we leave the music on?
Hey. Shh.
Don't make any sudden movements.
- Unh. Whoa! - Aah!
- Who the hell are you? - No, who are you?
Quiet, quiet.
Mike Tyson?
Shh. This is my favorite part coming up right now.
Need a chorus line, guys.
One more time, guys.
Oh, Jesus!
Oh, fuck!
Why did you do that?
Mr. Tyson would like to know why is his tiger in your bathroom.
Hold on, that was completely unnecessary.
I'm a huge fan. When you knocked out Holmes, that was...
Explain.
All right, look, we were drugged last night.
We have no memory of what happened.
It's true.
We got in all kinds of trouble
last night and now we can't find our friend.
If you wanna kill us, go ahead because I don't care anymore.
- What are you talking about? - I don't care.
Why the fuck would you wanna steal his tiger?
We tend to do dumb shit when we're fucked up.
- I don't believe these guys,
man. - Wait, how did you guys find us?
One of you dropped your jacket.
Found it in the tigers' cage this morning.
That's Doug's.
Yeah, Doug. His wallet and his room key is in there.
- No, that's our missing friend. - I don't give a fuck.
- Did you guys see him? - I was fast asleep.
Because if he was up, this wouldn't have gone down so smoothly.
Maybe one of the tigers ate his ass like Omar.
Respect.
Wha... What happened to Omar?
Oh, don't worry about Omar, he's not with us no more.
Okay, I know this is asking a lot...
...but do you think we could go to your house and look around...
...see if there's any clues?
Absolutely. How else you
think we're gonna get the tiger back anyway?
- Come on, champ. - I'm sorry?
We're not gonna put it in the Bentley.
You brought it here, you bring it back.
What you think, about 40 minutes?
Don't make me come back for him.
- That was Mike Tyson. - Yeah, no shit that was Mike Tyson.
I'm just saying, he's still got it.
Alan.
Bud, are you okay?
- Oh, my God. - Shit!
Fuck, where'd he get him?
Hey.
This does not seem fair.
It's Rock, Paper, Scissors. There's nothing more fair.
- Alan should do it. - Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson.
Come on. For Doug.
Why are you peppering the steak?
You don't know if tigers like pepper.
Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.
Phil, just do it. You should do it.
I would, but you lost. It wouldn't be right.
Okay, I jammed five roofies in there.
Just go in there and throw it in to him.
Fine.
Make sure he eats the whole thing.
Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Hey, kitty.
Hey, sweetie, it's okay. I got a little snack for you.
Real important that you eat this, okay?
Yeah, just have a little...
Shit!
What do we do now?
We wait.
What do tigers dream of
When they take a little tiger snooze?
Do they dream of mauling zebras
Or Halle Berry in her catwoman suit?
Don't you worry your pretty striped head
We're gonna get you back to Tyson And your cozy tiger bed
And then we're gonna find Our best friend Doug
And then we're gonna give him A best-friend hug
Doug
Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug
But if he's been murdered By crystal-meth tweakers
Well, then we're shit out of luck
By the way, we're all gonna die.
Wait.
- Oh, God. - Watch it!
His nose. That's his nose.
Please don't stop. Please don't stop.
Please don't... Goddamn it.
I'm gonna beat you! Ha-ha-ha.
Oh... He won again.
- Hey, fellas. Rough night? Mm-hm.
Sweetie, stay close to Mama.
- What's this? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take it easy, little man. You don't wanna be touching that.
No, partner, that's not your property.
So, what do you guys got under there?
Just a whole bunch of "Mind your own business."
- Easy, Phil. - He's correct. My fault.
- You okay? - Aren't we riding an elevator?
Why, is this Jeopardy? What the fuck is this bullshit?
- Please, with the language. - Yes.
- I fully agree. - Oh.
Hey, guys, when's the next Halley's comet?
- Who cares, man? - Do you know, Stu?
I don't think it's for, like, another 60 years or something.
- But it's not tonight, right? - No, I don't think so.
But you don't know for sure?
No.
I got this cousin who saw one. He said it blew his mind.
I wanna make sure I never, ever miss out on a Halley's Comet.
So if you guys know if there's gonna be one...
Oh, fuck!
- Oh, my God! - Fuck it!
Stu! Stu, it got me! Stu!
You got clawed! You're bleeding!
- Oh. - I'm panicking.
- Aah! - Oh, my God.
Okay. Okay, okay. Wait, hold on.
- I can't do it. - Get your fucking hand back in there...
...and steer the car. - I'm too nervous.
Alan. We need you, buddy. This is your time to shine, okay?
Okay, yeah. Whew.
Daddy's gonna kill me.
- That's it. - That's good.
Keep it straight.
- You're late. - Whatever, man.
We had to push it the last mile.
Come on in. Mike's got something he wants to show you.
That thing's out of control,
man. Seriously, you gotta put it down.
When we got back, we took a look at the security cameras.
Great.
This is how you walk. This is how you walk.
- Oh, it's Doug. - Oh, thank God he's alive.
That's our buddy. That's who we've been missing.
We're all best friends.
Why don't you just pay attention? I don't have all night.
Yeah, of course. Of course.
- What are you doing? - Hey, guys. Check it out. Watch this.
That's me, I'm on TV. I've never been on TV before.
What are you doing, man?
Really? Really, Alan?
You got a fire hose, man?
Yeah, I was, uh...
You're gonna overflow the pool, man.
- Maybe... Should I wait outside?
- I think that's a good idea, Alan.
Yeah.
Don't touch anything out there, either.
You know what? He's not our good fr...
We don't know him that well.
Come on. Come on, come on.
By the way, where you get that cop car from?
We, uh, stole it from these dumb-ass cops.
Nice.
High five that one.
Yeah, that's nice.
You know, I just have to say...
...I have never seen a more beautiful,
elegant, just regal creature.
Check it out. Stu. Stu. Fuck this tiger.
- Oh, my God. That's awful. - Oh, man.
- Oh, shit. - Who does shit like that, man?
Someone who has a lot of issues, obviously. I'm a sick man.
Oh, my God.
That's all we got.
This was hugely helpful.
Really. Because now we know that our buddy Doug...
...was with us at 3:30, totally alive.
Thanks again, champ. And, uh,
again, we are so sorry we stole your tiger.
Don't worry about it, man.
Like you said, we all do dumb shit when we're fucked up.
- I told you he'd get it. - I did say that.
You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass...
...but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.
I think he's mean.
All right. I think it's officially time we call Tracy.
Hallelujah. Finally, Phil says something that makes sense.
We don't have much of a choice. And maybe she's heard from Doug.
That's what I been saying this whole time.
We just need to be completely honest.
We need to tell her everything.
We don't have to tell her everything.
We can leave out the stuff...
...about me marrying a hooker.
Just stay focused on Doug.
- What am I gonna tell my dad?
- Alan, relax. It's just the inside.
Come on. I got a guy in L.A. Who's great with interiors.
- Oh, Jesus! - Oh, my God.
- Are you guys okay? - What the fuck?
I know that guy. That's the guy from the trunk.
Get out of the car. Please.
W... W... Wait. Those are the guys that shot Eddie.
- Listen... - Let's go!
- Okay. - Oh, no.
- Easy, easy. - Come on.
Okay. All right.
- All right, all right. - Let's go.
Hey, relax. Ow. Ow. Ow!
- I have whiplash. - Get this other fat boy.
Get the fat boy.
Hey, hey, hey.
- All right, all right. - Hey, take it easy, take it easy!
I want my purse back, assholes.
- What? Your purse? - That's not a purse, it's a satchel.
It's a purse. Okay? And you steal from wrong guy.
Wait a second, wait a second. We stole from you?
Okay, you know what?
We don't remember anything that happened last night...
...so help us out a little here.
Well, apparently you guys met at a craps table late last night.
You were on a heater, and he played your hot streak.
- He ended up winning just under 80 grand.
- No shit? Eighty grand is nice.
Okay, that's good.
He put the chips in his purse,
and then you guys took off with it.
That doesn't sound like us.
Mine had $80,000 inside. And this one? Nothing.
Hey, there are Skittles in there.
Ow! Oh, not again.
Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child.
It's funny because he's fat.
Now, look, this was obviously a very simple misunderstanding.
Alan picked up the wrong purse, it's no big deal.
Okay, if it's, "No big deal," Why, when I come after you guys...
...he starts screaming like crazy and throw me in trunk?
What, I did that?
Yeah, you said he was your lucky charm,
and you want to take him home with you.
- Lucky charm. - Oh, it's just funny.
Fuck you.
If you want to see your friend again, you get me my 80 grand.
- What? - Our friend?
- You have Doug? - You know about our friend?
- Doug! - Doug!
- Doug's in the car! Doug's in the car! - Doug, it's okay!
You chill out, goatee!
- Okay, okay. All right, fine, fine. - What do you want?
Not so good now. Quid pro quo, douche bag.
What?
Look, we're very sorry. But this is an easy fix.
- Alan, where's his purse? - I don't know.
- It's in the hotel room, right? - Yeah, we can get it.
We can get you the... We can even write you a check right now.
No chance. Cash only.
- There's a person in there. - Boring.
Take nap. Come on.
Wait. I'm sorry we're boring you!
- Doug, it's okay. - You kidnapped our friend! Kidnapper!
- Wait. - Oh, no. You're not going anywhere.
Stop.
Stop. Run me over.
- Okay. Whoa. Whoa. - Stu, Stu, Stu.
Bring money to Big Rock in Mojave Desert at dawn.
- What? - Toodle-oo, motherfucker.
Well, at least take the bag off his head! Fuck!
Oh!
Come on, get out of here.
Guys, I'm telling you, I looked for
it this morning before we left. It's not anywhere.
Fuck.
Stu, how much you got in the bank?
About 10 grand. I was gonna use it for the wedding.
You're already married, so we're good there.
Besides, enough with Melissa, she's the worst.
Yeah, Doug told me she had sex with a pilot or something.
It was a bartender on a cruise. What is wrong with you people?
- Ew. Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza? - Yes.
What are we gonna do? We are so fucked.
Hey, guys?
- Did you find it? - Nope.
But check this out.
Change only, 10,000.
- Hey, uh, these seats taken? - No, feel free.
All right, let's play some blackjack!
That's it. Shut up, bitches.
Hmm.
- I'll stick. - Oh, fuck you! Fuck you!
Splitting fives.
- Too many. - Yes!
I don't even know you, but I'm gonna tell you that's dumb.
- Yes! - Oh!
Okay, come on. He can't lose. He can't lose.
I think the pit boss is watching him.
- Oh, my God. - Are you okay?
I'm such a klutz. I get so nervous when I gamble. I'm so silly.
- It happens. - Whoa. Hold on a beat, okay?
- Let's just take it easy. This is my wife. - It's hurting.
Make sure... Does it hurt? Does this hurt?
- Oh, ow. - You all right?
- I don't know. - I don't know either. I don't...
I think you're fine. Let's go.
- Really? Okay. Upsy-daisy, there.
I'm sorry, she's had a little too much to drink.
Thanks, buddy. That's for you.
And 100, 200, 300, 400.
With all this, that's $82,400.
- Oh, goddamn it. I don't fucking believe it. - Whoo!
- Alan, you're the man. - You are too, Phil.
We should come back next week, take the whole city down.
Oh, I'm free next week.
Or we could just focus on getting Doug back, right now.
Uh, you know what? Next week's no good,
the Jonas Brothers are in town.
But any week after that is totally fine.
I think it's safe to say that
our luck has officially turned around, guys.
- We are back, baby. We are fucking back. - We're back. Classic.
We are back, we are back
That's right.
We are getting Doug back
And we're the three best friends That anybody could have
We're the three best friends That anyone could have
We're the three best friends That anyone can have
And we'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever Leave each other
We're the best three friends That anybody could have
I mean, the three best friends That anybody could have
That's right, the three best friends That anybody can have
- Now what? - Give him the signal.
- What signal? - Flash your lights. Let him know it's on.
- What's on? - The deal.
Of course it's on. We just
drove 30 miles into the desert. He knows it's on.
Phil, just do something.
Fine.
- Oh, shit. - See?
All right, let's go.
Funny fat guy fall on face.
You okay?
All right, we got the money. Eighty grand, cash.
Throw it over. Then I give you Doug.
Um, I'm sorry. First of all, good morning.
And we didn't catch your name last night.
Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.
Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure. My name is Stu.
And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug...
...before we give you the money, just to verify that he's okay.
- Lf that's cool. - Of course, Stu. That is cool.
- Oh, thank God. - Okay.
See, he fine. Now give me money...
...or I shoot him, and I shoot all you motherfuckers.
And then we take it. Your choice, bitches.
- Give him the money, Stu. - Okay.
- It's all there. - Let him go.
All right, take it easy. Take it easy.
Ta-da.
Is this some kind ofjoke? Who the hell is this?
That is not Doug.
What you talking about, Willis? That him.
No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow. That's not our friend.
- He... That's... - The Doug we're looking for is a white.
Ah! I told you you had the wrong guy, little boy.
Damn, Alan, what the fuck you got me into?
- You know him? - This is the guy that sold me the bad drugs.
- How you doing? - I didn't sell you no fucking bad drugs.
- Wait. He sold you the Ruphylin?
- Ruphylin? I sold you that Ru...? Wha...?
- Who gives a shit? Where is Doug? - I am Doug.
- Your name's Doug? - Yes, I'm Doug.
His name's Doug too. Ha. Classic mix-up.
Come on.
- Hey, Chow. You gave us the wrong Doug. - Not my problem.
No, fuck that shit. Now,
you give us our 80 grand back and take him with you!
- No. Come on. I'll be your Doug.
- Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, I take him back.
Right after you suck on these little Chinese nuts.
- Ah. That's nasty. - Mmm. How that sound?
Unh, pshh.
- So long, gay boys. - Wait a second.
He's a nasty little motherfucker.
Did you ever get any ecstasy?
No, I ain't got no fucking ecstasy.
- Goddamn it! - Gosh darn it!
- Shit! - Shoot!
- Hello? - Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.
Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
Yeah, listen.
We fucked up.
Thanks for the lift back to town.
- I got a question for you. - What's up?
How did you wind up in Chow's car?
That crazy asshole kidnapped me yesterday.
Okay, but why? I mean, why you?
He thought I was with you guys
because we were hanging over at the Bellagio.
- What? - We were at the Bellagio?
We were shooting craps. You don't remember?
No. No, we don't remember.
Because some dick drug dealer
sold him Ruphylin and told him it was ecstasy.
Ruphylin. There you go with that word.
Ruphylin. What the hell is a Ruphylin?
Wow, you are the world's shittiest drug dealer.
Ruphylin, for your information,
is the date-rape drug. You sold Alan roofies.
Oh, shit. I must have mixed up the bags. My fault, Alan.
Damn, Marshall gonna be pissed off at me on that one.
- Whatever. - It's funny, because just the other day...
...me and my boy, we was
wondering why they even call them roofies.
- You know what I'm talking about? - No. Don't know.
Why not floories, right? Because when you take them...
...you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof.
What about groundies? That's a good new name for them.
Or, how about rapies?
- Wait, what did you just say? - Rapies.
- Not you. Doug, what did you say before? - I said groundies.
No, before that.
You said, "You're more likely to wind up on the floor than..."
- Phil. - Listen, Trace, I'm really sorry. L...
- Phil? Hello? - Tracy, it's Stu.
Stu. Talk to me. What's going on?
Uh, nothing. Don't listen to Phil.
He's completely out of his mind.
He's probably still drunk from last night.
Where's Doug?
He is paying the bill. We just had a delicious brunch.
We're in a hurry to get back, so we gotta get going.
- Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye. - Stu.
Stu. Fuck.
- What the fuck, man? - I know where Doug is.
I don't know, man. It just hit me.
You remember when we saw Doug's mattress impaled on that statue?
- Yeah, we threw it out the window. - No, impossible.
- You can't open windows in Vegas hotels.
- Well, then how did it get...?
- Oh, my God! - Ha, ha, ha.
- Whoa, wait. What's going on?
- Doug was trying to signal someone.
- Holy shit. - Yes.
- Wait. How did you figure that out? - Doug made me realize it.
- Doug? - Uh, not our Doug. Black Doug.
- Hey, hey, easy with that shit. Come on. - Sorry.
Can someone tell me where white Doug is?
- He's on the roof, Alan. - Yes.
He's on the roof. We must have taken him up there as a prank...
...so he'd wake up on the roof. - Like that time in summer camp.
We moved his sleeping bag out in the jetty at the lake?
Ha, ha, ha. Which was hilarious.
It's not so funny now, though,
because we forgot where we put him.
You guys are retarded, you know that?
- Holy shit. You think he's still up there?
- There's only one way to find out.
Doug!
- Doug! - Doug, you up here, buddy?
Where you at, Doug?
Doug!
Hey, guys!
He's over here!
- Hey, I found him! He's over here! - Oh, shit.
He's okay.
You're okay. Ha, ha, ha!
Oh, God. We gotta go, buddy. Come on.
Oh, we have been looking everywhere for you.
- He's alive. - What the fuck is going on?
We can explain everything, but right now we gotta go.
- Hey, bud. You okay? - No. Not okay.
You look good, you got some color. I'm jealous.
- I'm getting married today. - Yes, you are.
That's why you need to focus and do everything we say.
Because, frankly, you're wasting a little bit of time right now.
You fucking asshole!
Oh, my skin burns. My skin burns.
Oh, ow! God.
- It's okay. It's not your fault,
Doug. - Don't touch me. Shut up.
All of you, shut up.
Just get me home.
Mm-hm.
Just get me home.
What about the one after that?
You cannot be serious.
Oh, goddamn it.
- What? - Every flight to L.A. Is booked.
- What about Burbank? - Sold out.
Oh, fuck! We can't drive there,
the wedding starts in three and a half hours.
- Alan, where's the car? - It's on its way.
You know what?
We can drive there. We can make it. Okay?
Hi.
- Just give me one second. - We will leave without you.
- Is he missing a tooth? - Yeah.
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, thanks for helping out last night. That was so awesome.
Sure.
Listen, Jade, l...
Look, you don't have to say it. I totally understand.
- This whole thing was stupid. - Huh.
It was stupid, wasn't it?
- This is yours. - Oh, thank you.
I can't believe I gave my
grandmother's Holocaust ring to someone I just met.
- What was I thinking? - You were really fucked up.
Clearly.
- You did pull out your own tooth. - L...?
I pulled out my tooth?
Why did I pull out my own tooth?
Alan bet you that you weren't a good enough dentist...
...to pull out your own tooth.
Okay. Heh.
- Of course he did. - You won.
Yeah. Clearly. Yeah.
That's victory, right there.
It needs to go down.
- It's good. Get in. - No. Safety first.
- Alan, it's fine. It's down. - No, I gotta get it down first.
- Jesus Christ. Look out. - Don't mess the car up.
You're gonna mess the car up.
- Hey, what are you doing next weekend?
- I don't know. Working. Why?
I was thinking maybe I'd come back and take you out to dinner.
Really? Like a date?
Yeah. Like a date. Only, one that hopefully I'll remember.
Sounds good.
- Stu. Come on. - Stu. Come on.
I gotta go. Okay. Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
All right, here we go.
- All right, let's go. - Yeah.
Careful.
At least the trip wasn't a total disaster.
- What makes you say that? - When I woke up on the roof...
...I happened to find $80,000
worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket.
- Oh! - Oh, my God!
Looks like we're going home with some money, boys.
Here he comes. That's him.
- Hey, Neeco! - Hey. What's up, Alan?
Whoo!
- Whoa, look out. - Oh, shit.
Whoa! Whoa!
- Thanks, Neeco. - You got it, man.
- Page me! - Adiós.
- Who the hell was that guy? - That's my buddy.
Hey. Sorry, MapQuest took us on a really crazy route.
- How's my hair? - It looks good.
- Is it cool like Phil's? - It's classic Phil.
She looks beautiful, man.
Sorry I'm late.
Vegas.
Where were you? And why are you so red?
Honey, it's a long story.
We are gathered here today...
...because of the strength of love and of promises kept.
All I know is I am so sorry.
And I promise for as long as we're married...
...to never, ever put you through anything like this again.
Can you forgive me?
- Daddy. - Hey, my man.
Excuse me, but I'm expecting my husband any minute.
Oh, that's very funny. Come here.
How was your soccer game?
- Stu? You avoiding me? - Hey. Melissa.
Oh, my God. What happened to your tooth?
Have you met Alan? Tracy's brother. Brother of the...
Okay. Ow.
That is disgusting. Why haven't you returned my calls?
Well, there was a snafu when we stopped...
I called that bed and breakfast in Napa.
They said they had no record of you even checking in.
That's because we didn't go to Napa.
- Stu. What the fuck is going on? - We went to Las Vegas.
Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas?
My friend was getting married. That's what guys do.
- Okay, that's not what you do. - Really?
Well, then why did I do it,
huh? Because I did it. Riddle me that.
Why'd I do it?
All you want me to do is what you want me to do.
I'm sick of doing what you want.
In a healthy relationship,
a guy should be able to do what he wants.
- That is not how this works! - Oh, good.
Because whatever this is ain't working for me!
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Since when?
Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June. Boom!
- You told me it was a bartender.
- Oh, you're right. I stand corrected.
It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.
You're an idiot.
You're... You...
You're such a bad person.
Like, all the way through to your core.
Alan, shall we dance?
Let's do this.
- It was a real pleasure meeting you. - Fuck off.
- I'm getting my bartender's license. - Suck my dick.
No, thank you.
You guys are awe...
- Sid? - There he is.
- You wanted to see me? - Yeah.
- Congratulations, buddy. - Congratulations to you.
- You had us worried there for a second. - Sorry.
How was Vegas?
It was... Ahem. It was crazy.
Attaboy.
- Enjoy the car? - Mm-hm.
- Remember to put Armor All on the tires? - Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Let me ask you a question.
How can a cake cost $1400?
- Highway robbery. - It's criminal.
Sid, ahem, about the car...
Tracy told you. I told her not to tell you. I wanted to tell you.
- Tell me what? - Careful, Doug. These women...
...can't be trusted.
- Tell me what, Sid? - The Mercedes.
It is a wedding gift from Linda and I.
- Are you serious? - What do you think?
That is awesome.
Thank you. Oh.
Thanks, Daddy. Thanks, Sid.
Close the door. - You're awesome.
You are awesome.
Yeah.
Dougie...
...I gotta tell you, man, this was a gorgeous wedding.
- I give it six months. - You're a dick.
I don't know what to say. Thanks for the bachelor party, I guess?
Yeah. I just wish we could actually remember some of it.
- Hey, guys? Look what I found. - Whoa, that's my camera.
- It was in the back seat of the car.
- Oh, Go... Are there photos on it?
Yeah. Some of it's even worse than we thought.
- No fucking way. Give me that. - Wa... Wa... Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
We look at these pictures together, okay? One time.
- And then we delete the evidence.
- I say we delete it right now.
Are you nuts? I wanna find out how I wound up in the hospital.
- Yeah, it's in there. - Guys, one time.
- Deal? - Deal.
- Deal. - Okay.
Oh, dear Lord!
That's classic!