Ah!
Saturday, September 25th.
Another heavenly day.
Ah, yes.
It's always a heavenly day.
Every day is perfect.
Nothing but happiness.
Ah, yes, happiness, happiness, happiness.
I have everything that any man or angel could desire.
Beautiful memories of the past.
Pictures, toys...
Toys.
Children play with the dreams of tomorrow...
And old men play with the memories of yesterday.
Broadway.
Ah, Broadway I can see it again.
The Broadway of 1907.
The Broadway that was waiting for me.
An innocent world believing in a golden future,
full of peace and laughter
and beautiful girls.
And here's the theater where my first follies opened.
As I look at that theater now, it's all mine forever.
No taxes, no bills, and no competitors.
There they are, my first public.
High and mighty, and the hoi polloi.
And here, they're all mine.
Eternal toys that never grow older.
Look at Mrs. astor in her beautiful carriage
with her famous horse.
Much more famous that night than Ziegfeld.
And didn't the horse know il.
And diamond Jim Brady with no horse...
But what a filly inside the car.
There they are, an old New York
first-night audience, the judge and the jury.
"What have you got, Mr. Ziegfeld?
Show us your magic, if you dare.
Make us dream, if you can.
What have you got, Mr. Ziegfeld?"
Ziegfeld: Anna held hourglass girls.
Ziegfeld: Thank you, Mrs. astor.
I can pretend all my great stars never grew older...
Are still dancing and singing as they did years ago.
Marilyn Miller.
Fanny Brice.
J look at me, oh, look at me j
j ho, I'm an Indian, ah-ha I'm an Indian. Jj
Ziegfeld: Will Rogers.
Well, uh... What'll I talk about?
I ain't got anything to say that's funny.
All I know is what I read in the paper.
Ziegfeld: Eddie cantor.
J if you knew susie like I know susie j
j oh, oh, oh, what a girl! J
j there's none so classy as this fair Lassie j
j oh, oh, holy Moses what a chassis. J
j we went riding, she didn't balk j
j back from yonkers I'm the one who had to walk. J
j if you knew susie like I know susie j
j oh, oh, oh, what a girl! Jj
Ziegfeld: I can hear the applause
as if it hadn't disappeared into the past.
The New York night still burns for me
with the names I have branded into its sky.
Great shows that were part of the dreams of America.
How many millions of people today
remember their courtships
their honeymoons, their anniversaries,
their happiest moments
in terms of a Ziegfeld show?
The world would never forget the Ziegfeld follies.
Those were the good old days.
And yet, I wonder, are those days really over?
Just because I moved up here,
did the follies have to die, too?
Couldn't there be a new follies?
No, no, I suppose not.
After all, how could there be a Ziegfeld follies
without Ziegfeld?
What I would give to be able to put on one more follies!
Yes.
So many personalities down there to choose from.
Great personalities from my day,
and great ones that have come up since.
How would I open?
Let's see.
Uh, I'd like a crayon and paper.
Thank you.
I think I'd open with a pink number.
Yes, a beautiful pink number
with a beautiful pink and white, blue-eyed girl.
Yes, and maybe to introduce the whole thing...
Well, who would be better than my old friend Fred Astaire?
A great star, Freddie.
I'd be taking no chances with him.
And I know Freddie would say something very nice about me.
What can I say about Ziegfeld?
Well, I can only tell you that as long as there's a dance,
a song, a musical show and it's good...
Somewhere around or in it is Ziegfeld.
He never cared so much about villains, plots, stories.
The follies never had a story.
The Ziegfeld follies was itself a story of an era.
If it was gay, bright, beautiful...
That's how Ziggy wanted it.
And, oh, I almost forgot...
The girls.
Ziggy was a specialist at glorifying girls.
That's one of the most important things
about the follies, you know.
So...
J here's to the beautiful ladies. J
j here's to those wonderful girls. J
j adeles and Mollys lucilles and pollys j
j you'll find them all in the Ziegfeld follies! J
j here's to the silks and the satins. J
j here's to the diamonds and pearls. J
j this is the mixture to start the picture j
j so bring on the beautiful girls! J
J here's to the silks and the satins. J
j here's to the diamonds and pearls. J
j a sweet endeavor a joy forever j
j so bring on the beautiful girls! J
J; Here's to the j
j beautiful ladies. J
j here's to those wonderful girls. J
j adeles and Mollys j
j lucilles and pollys j
j you'll find them all j
j in the Ziegfeld follies. J
j here's to the silks j
j and the satins. J
j here's to the diamonds j
j and pearls. J
j a joy forever j
j a sweet endeavor j
j to bring on the beautiful girls. J
J this is the mixture to start the picture j
j so bringon/
j the beautiful girls &7
Whoa!
J all this yap-yap-yap about glorifying dames j
j leaves me like a cold potato j
j I'd much rather be with a handsome he j
j like Van Johnson, who's a real tomato! J
j for a date with Fred MacMurray j
j you can bet your life I'd hurry j
j and a guy like Mischa auer j
j has me completely in his power j
j in fact, most any man I've seen j
j is the only man for me j
whee!
J bring on those wonderful men j
j bring me an elegant guy j
j a soldier or sailor, a gable or Taylor j
j a short or a tall one, I just wanna call one j
j my own private wonderful he j
j bring what you can to me j
j bring me a guy to pin up j
j bring me a prince on a horse j
j a dark or a light one, I just want to sight one j
j who'll call me his missus and give with the kisses j
j I'm afraid I've a terrible yen j
j for those wonderful m-e-n j
j; Amor amor j
j there must be someone for me, but what's he waiting for? J
j no hope, no soap j
j if he don't appear I fear I'm at the end of my rope!
J oh, bring on a male who ain't frail j
j bring on a man from a cave j
j someone to relax with and pay income tax with j
j and though he's from hunger, I'm not getting younger
j and I'd like to get on with my plan
j to glorify the American man j
j I know the men are few j
j but what's a gal to do? J
j I'll get a man before I'm through
j hey, you in the third row j
j bring on those j
j wonderful men! J\j
Oh! Could you tell me where the telephone is, please?
Oh, thank you.
Say, could you tell...
Woman 1 on call: Number, please. - Oh, operator.
I would like Plaza 5, 5-5-9-7, please.
Woman 1: Plaza 5, 5-5-9-7.
Woman 1: One moment, please. - That's right. Thank you.
Man 1 on call: Hello. = oh, hello. Louis?
Man 1: What number you want? - Uh, Plaza 5, 5-5-9-7.
Man 1: Well, this is morningside 3, 3-3-3-3.
= oh, I'm terribly sorry. Man 1: Oh, drop dead, will you?
Yeah. I'll-=- I'll do that.
- Operator. Woman 1 on call: Number, please?
Oh, operator, you got me the wrong number.
I wanted Plaza 5, 5-5-9-7, and you got me...
Woman 1: One moment, please.
I'll get you the complaint department.
Oh, you don't have to get me the complaint...
Woman 1 on call: Hello, complaint department?
Woman 2: Complaint department.
Woman 1: Oh, hello, Beth, how are you?
- No, look, you... Beth: Boy, have I got a head.
Get me some...
Woman 1: Went to the strand last night
and saw that cute Van Johnson
in "30 seconds over Japan.”
Oh, did you like that picture? I liked it.
When the airplanes went over and dropped,
there was a fellow, had one leg. Handsome, brave...
Woman 1: Van Johnson is just divine.
- Operator! Woman 1 on call: Hmm!
Number, please.
Operator, believe me when I tell you
that you don't have to get me the complaint department.
I can spare that extra nickel.
I just want Plaza 5, 5-5-9-7.
Woman 1: Plaza 5, 5-5-9-7? - Yes, that's right.
Woman 1: One moment, please. - Thank you.
Oh, hello. Louis?
Woman 2: When you hear the tone, the time will be
exactly 33 and a third seconds past 10.
- Operator. Woman 1 on call: Number, please.
Operator, all I want is Plaza 5, 5-5-9-7.
Now, that's Louis Sebastian's cigar store.
It's right around the corner. I could walk there.
I don't want the world with a fence around it.
All 1 want is Plaza 5, 5-5-9-7.
Woman 1: Plaza 5, 5-5-9-7? One moment, please.
Thank you.
Hello, Louis?
J happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you j
j happy birthday, dear Mr. bushy mendel horgenforth ill j
j no knife can cut our love in two. Jj
j good evening, friends. Jj
- uh, pardon me, sir. - Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
- Hi, operator? Woman 1 on call: Number, please?
Say, operator, I'd like to talk to colonel culpepper
at the magnolia manor plantation in chattanooga, Tennessee.
Chattanooga, Tennessee.
Hello, colonel culpepper?
Oh, hi, cul.
Say, cul, Willie Mae says
why don't y'all drop over for the weekend
and bring Mrs. culpepper, and all the kids with y'all.
After all, y'all only live once.
Why, sure. = uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Well, so long, y'all.
It's been a real pleasure, sir.
Look, operator...
I'd kind of like Plaza 5, 5-5-9-7, please.
Woman 1 on call: Why, sure enough, honey child.
Hello, Louis?
- Look, operator! Woman 1 on call: Number, please.
I would like Plaza 5, 5-5-9-7!
Woman 1: Will you spell it, please?
Plaza. 'P' for Plaza.
'L' for Louis.
'A' for annoying.
'Z' for Xavier cugat.
'A' for anaheim, azusa, cucamonga 5, 5-5-9-7.
Woman 1: Westminister 2, 2.2.2.2?
- Operator. Woman 1 on call: Number, please.
Woman 1: Number, please. - Operator.
Ope...
Hmm!
- Hello, operator. Woman 1 on call: Number, please.
I want to speak to sir Geoffrey Kirsten
of the frennessey Brandy company,
Cape Town, South Africa.
Uh, no, I don't know the number.
Oh, she don't know the number.
Woman 3: Hello, porky.
Hello, por...
Porky on call: Hello. Hello, are you there?
Is that you, Gwendolyn, my darling?
Hello, porky. You stink, you big baboon!
And that goes for you, too, buster.
- Hello, operator. Woman 1 on call: Number, please.
Woman 1: Number, please. - Operator.
In, uh, dumdum proper, south transylvania.
No, I don't know the number...
And I don't know Mr. oogu's first name.
All I know is oogu.
Just plain oogu.
Woman 1: One moment, please.
Oogu on call: Hello, oogu speaking.
Look, oogu, you won't remember me,
but we met at a preview of "Dorian gray."
Oogu: Ah! Sure, sure. = yeah.
Look, oogu, I, uh, wonder if you would do me a favor.
Oogu: Ah, sure, any friend of a friend is a friend.
Oh, well, I'm glad you feel that way.
Um, look, uh, oogu...
Would you get me Plaza 5, 5.5...
Woman 1 on call: Sorry, your three minutes are up.
That'll be 94 dollars and 45 cents.
Keep moving. Watch your step there.
Step lively. Right this way, please.
Step lively. Keep moving.
Hey, excuse me.
- Hey. - I beg your pardon.
Now, this property that we're gonna
look at is worth a $190,000.
He's asking a $125,000.
We'll offer him, uh...
$55,000...
Uh, we'll offer him $60,000 and settle for $75,000.
Nothing doing. Why don't you leave the bu...
- Well, really. - I'm sorry. Alright.
Why don't you leave the business things to me?
Oh, excuse me, little... little girl... madam.
Now, listen, I'll get it for $50,000.
I'll save you $25,000. = never mind.
If it's worth a $150,000, I'll give him $75,000.
No, $50,000. Now stop worrying about it, will you?
- I'm your lawyer. - Yeah, you're my lawyer.
It'll be like the last deal.
You were gonna save me $25,000 and I lost the whole deal.
I could've made $200,000. You're my lawyer.
Hey, what's the matter? = you're under arrest.
- It ain't lit. - I said you were under arrest.
- What for? - For expectorating in a subway.
Now I gotta take you to court and they'll fine you $2.
Oh, I... 1 didn't know what I was doing.
Can't we settle this out of court?
I'll give you the $2.
Okay. = uh...
I got it right here.
I... I haven't got it on me.
He'll give you the $2.
Give him the $2. = I will not!
Have you got any withesses?
How do you know he expectorated on the floor?
- I saw him with my own eyes. - Guys, stop arguing.
What's $27? Give him the $2.
If we ain't uptown by 8 o'clock,
we'll lose the whole deal.
You won't lose a thing.
I dare you to arrest my client.
Oh, a smart guy, eh?
Yes, I never lost a case in my life.
Well, we'll see about that. Come on with me.
Pay him the $2.
I'll break you for this, officer.
Pay him the $2.
The court finds the defendant guilty
of expectorating in the subway
and hereby fines the defendant $2,
or 30 days in jail.
Alright. Pay him the $2.
Nothing doing. We'll appeal.
Oh, pay the $2. = no.
You're a businessman and you can't afford
to have a black Mark against you.
We'll take it to a higher court.
Man 2: Take him away. - Oh, please.
- Pay the $2. - Don't worry.
I'll have you out of here in 20 minutes.
How long have you been in here?
I'll bet you've got the same lawyer I've got.
- Hello, Victor, how are you? - Where have you been?
I've been waiting here 12 days
for you to get back in 20 minutes.
Oh, now, Victor, don't be so impatient.
- Oh! - I haven't very much time.
I am in a bit of a hurry, but I couldn't help but drop by,
and... and give you the good news.
Yes, the court has granted our motion for an appeal.
Look, "whereas my client, Victor Moore,
here and after known as the defendant
is being sued for committing a public nuisance..."
Never mind that stuff. Just pay 'em the $2.
I will not. I never lost a case in my life.
Say, what're you trying to do? Spoil my record?
No. All I'm trying to do is get out of jail.
Won't you please pay 'em the $2?
Nothing doing. You're going to appeal.
And by the way, I want you to know
that I kept the accounts absolutely straight.
What do you mean, accounts?
Well, it takes money to file an appeal.
- Well, pay the $2. - No, no.
It's too late. I've already filed my briefs.
Now here are the accounts. = never mind.
Uh, how much did you spend?
Well, three stenographers for three days
at $5 a day. $150.
Well, that's for preparing the briefs.
Now, $10 a day for taking the stenographers to lunch.
What do you mean by taking stenographers
out to lunch on my money?
Don't tell me how to live my life.
Now then, a hundred dollars a day for three assistants.
$5000 to Walter Wilson.
- For what? - For an opinion.
What did Wilson say?
He said, "pay 'em the $2." = yeah!
$5000 to barker, barker, barker & barker.
What did barker, barker, barker &...
- And barker? - Barker. What did they say?
Well, they said, "pay 'em the $2."
And $5000 to Jerry geisler for an opinion.
What did geisler say?
Geisler said, "pay 'em the $2."
Seems to be quite a difference of opinion.
Oh, wait. I'm not through yet.
Now, there's $250 uh, to my nephew for an opinion.
A $150 to my niece for an opinion.
And $75 for my wife's opinion.
What are you bringing them in for? They're not lawyers.
Well, everybody's entitled to their opinion.
Now comes my opinion, $3000.
Oh, but we're gonna win this case.
We got an Ace in the hole. We got four witnesses.
What? We ain't got no witnesses.
Oh, yes, we have, two are coming
from Chicago, and two are coming from Detroit.
And that makes the, uh, total expense to date...
Uh... $463,663 and 63 cents.
For goodness sake, will you pay the $2!
It is the opinion of this court
that the decision of the lower court be reversed.
“Reversed!” didn't I tell you?
Is that good? = silence!
As a result of the defendant's behavior in the subway,
a deadly germ was spread
which caused the death of two citizens.
We therefore find the defendant guilty
of murder in the first degree.
And the defendant is hereby sentenced
to the punishment of death.
Your honor, we appeal.
Oh, pay 'em the $2.
Give 'em each $2.
Victor, you have only a few hours left to live.
Nonsense.
I've got this case all sewed up.
You've got nothing to worry about.
I had the governor on the phone all afternoon
and the pardon'll be here any minute.
What would you like for dinner, Victor?
This will be your last meal. You can order anything you want.
- I can have anything? - Anything.
- Uh, you take the order? - Yes, sir.
Well, I'll have an order of toast...
Uh... dry toast.
Not th... the... the thin melba toast, thicker.
And a... a cup of cocoa,
and some stewed prunes and cream.
No. B... better leave out the cream.
That's fattening.
Oh, come on, Victor, cheer up. Have a cigar.
Didn't I tell you the governor would come through
with a pardon? Arnold never lost a case.
It's a good thing you had me as a lawyer,
or you would've been a dead pigeon, sure.
You're a lucky man.
Yeah. I'm a lucky man. You ruined my business.
You wrecked my health. You spend all my money.
My wife left me because I'm an ex-convict.
My children are disgraced.
I'm a ruined man, and all because of you.
You're a lawyer.
- You're under arrest. - Not again! Hand it to him.
- Don't worry, Victor, they... - Please pay him the $2.
I'll have you out in 20 minutes.
I want you to pay them.
Don't do a thing, Victor, until you hear from me.
J maybe it was the music j
j or the glamorous sky of blue j
j maybe it was the mood I was in j
j or maybe it was really you! J
j really you! J
j this heart of mine j
j was doing very well j
j the world was fine j
I as far as I could tell j
j and then quite suddenly I saw you j
j and I dreamed of gay amours j
j at dawn I'll wake up singing j
j sentimental overtures! J
j this heart of mine j
j is gaily dancing now j
j'l taste the wine j
j of real romancing now! [J
j somehow this crazy world j
j has taken on j
j a wonderful design j
j as long as life endures j
j it's yours, this heart of mine! J
J this heart of mine j
j was doing very well j
j the world was fine j
j as far as I could tell! J
j and then quite suddenly I met you
j and I dreamed of gay amours j
j at dawn I woke up singing j
j sentimental overtures! J
j this heart of mine j
j is gaily dancing now j
j'l taste the wine j
j of real romancing now! [J
j somehow this crazy world j
j has taken on a wonderful design j
j as long as life endures j
j it's yours, this heart of mine! J
J somehow this crazy world j
j has taken on j
j a wonderful design! J
j as long as life endures j
j it's yours j
j this heart of j
j mine! Jj
Hello, operator? I just dialed a number.
What? No outgoing calls?
I mailed your check yesterday.
You'll positively receive it tomorrow.
You'll leave the phone connected?
Thank you. Please get me that number.
Hello. Is this the butcher? This is Mrs. ederman.
I got to have two pound lamb chops right away for dinner.
No meat? I mailed your check yesterday.
You'll positively receive it tomorrow.
I'll get the lamb chops tomorrow? Thank you.
I mailed your...
Oh, it's the door.
Come in.
Mrs. ederman? = yeah.
- A cablegram. - A cablegram?
Yeah, from Ireland. = Ireland? Let me see.
Who do I know in Ireland?
I think you won the sweepstakes.
"Congratulations, your ticket number 44678
has been drawn in the Irish sweepstakes."
Ah, here. I got no change.
Thank you. = you're welcome.
I... 1won! Ll won!
Well, somebody, I won! Oi, monty, monty?
Hello. I won. Oi, Ireland, what a marvelous city.
- Oi, is that you, monty? Monty: Norma? Is dinner re...
Monty. I love you! Oi, monty, I love you!
What's the matter? You been untrue to me?
Yes. No. I mean, I just got a cable from Ireland.
Monty, I've got a surprise! = what is it?
You know that ticket you bought on the sweepstakes?
- Yes. - Well, it won!
We won a steak?
We... we won the sweepstakes? = yeah!
A glass of water, please.
What do you mean, water? Champagne! We're rich!
All our troubles are over! Dance! Do something!
Oi, monty! = hurrah! We're rich!
We're rich. We got...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Monty, don't go crazy yet. Wait till we get the money.
I haven't gone crazy, but something terrible has happened.
What could be terrible when we won the sweepstakes?
Listen, I met the landlord in the hall
and had to pay him the month's rent, $45.
What's the difference? We'll buy the house.
But you don't understand, I only had $42.50.
So, to make up the extra $2 and a half,
I gave the landlord the sweepstakes ticket.
So what?
What did you say?
I gave the landlord the sweepstake ticket.
Monty, dear, you should drop dead.
I'll jump out the window.
Who stops you?
If the landlord knows the ticket won, he won't give it back.
But if he don't know, we'll get it. Quick!
- He's out in the hall. - Get him!
Get him! = Mr. Martin.
Mr. Martin? Mr. Martin!
Monty: Why, come in, Mr. Martin.
Funny, my wife was just talking about you.
- Hello, Mrs. ederman. - Hello, Mr. Martin. Sit down.
- Thanks. - You look good.
You look absolutely wonderful.
Uh, make yourself at home. Here. Take an apple.
- Thank you. - You know, Mr. Martin.
My wife is so superstitious about that sweepstake ticket.
If you let me have it back, I'll give you the $2.50 tomorrow.
Oh, if that's why you called me in, I'm going.
I've got the ticket here in my wallet
and that's where it's gonna stay.
- No, no, Mr. Martin, sit down. - You just arrived. Yes.
You know, you never come around to see us.
And we're always so glad to see you.
Uh, why don't you make yourself comfortable?
- Go on. Take off your coat. - Alright.
Sure, take it off. It's hot in here, you know.
Oh, it's so wrinkled. I could press it for you.
Oh, thank you.
Mm! The pants is wrinkled, too.
I could press the whole suit in a jiffy.
- Oh, no, never mind. - Sure. Take off your pants.
Never mind the pants.
If it'll make you feel at home, I'll take off mine.
Oh, no, no, just press the coat.
Do you know that I have a feeling
that this ticket's gonna win?
Pardon me. I don't feel so good.
Come in.
Here, Mr. Martin. Sit down again.
Have an apple. = oh, thanks.
Cablegram, Mrs. ederman.
- Congratulations. - Thank you. Beat it!
Oi!
Why did he offer you congratulations?
A relative died.
- Oh, that's too bad. - Yeah, it's terrible, ain't it?
- Now I'm gonna press your coat. - Thank you.
Monty. Monty.
A London syndicate is offering us $25,000 for the ticket.
And we ain't got the ticket.
Talk. Talk.
- Talk, talk. Talk, talk. - Well, I...
Don't say a word. Don't say a word.
The trouble with you, you get too excited.
Don't get excited!
Don't get excited. Don't get excited.
Hold yourself together. Don't go to pieces.
Hold yourself together.
You alright? = fine.
What'll we do? What'll we do?
Let's tell him the truth. Maybe he'll give us half the money.
Poison, he'll give us.
That's what's the trouble with you.
You get excited. You go to pieces.
I got an idea.
If we get excited, he'll get suspicious.
So we'll go in there, and we'll act very nonchalantly.
- You know, nhamby-pamby. - Pamby-namby?
See, like nothing happened. Wait, where's a cigarette?
Here. Here. Put a cigarette in there.
Now laugh. Laugh like you told me a funny story.
Like nothing happened. Laugh.
Mrs. ederman: Oh, monty.
That was the funniest story.
Tell it to him.
Mr. Martin, my wife is so in love
with that sweepstake ticket.
Not that it means anything, just a whim.
Mr. Martin, if that ticket did win, what would you do?
I'd hop on a boat, go over to Ireland and collect the money.
Monty. Monty.
Monty, it didn't work.
We was too namby-pamby. Now what'll we do?
Honesty is the best policy. Let's tell him the truth.
There must be an easier way.
George Washington told the truth.
Did he win a sweepstakes?
Besides, this man is holding back our property.
- Here. Take this vase. - What for?
Just a light tap. Not hard. Just a little tap on his head.
- Don't break the vase. - Why should I hit him?
Say he tried to kiss me. = who would believe it?
I can dream, can't I? Wait!
I know how to get the ticket.
I'll flirt with him.
Oi, if I only had a sweater.
I'll take this.
I'll get that ticket or my middle name ain't Violet.
I'll captivate him.
Am I captivating? = I never noticed it before.
Norma, I think you've got something there,
but don't go too far.
No, just far enough to get the ticket.
What's the matter? Did you hurt yourself?
No.
You know, Mr. Martin,
I find life just too dull for words.
- Ain't you? - What?
All my life. All my life...
I've been languishing away in this terrible flat.
What's the matter, is there something wrong
with the plumbing?
No, it's not that. It's my husband.
Mrs. ederman: He don't understand me.
Oh, is that so?
Well, do you know, Mrs. ederman, you're looking very attractive.
You think so? Guchi, guchi, guchi.
Would you like to loll away the time?
Yes.
Shall I turn on the radio, and we'll dance?
- Yes. - And we'll have a good time?
- Can you do the jitterbug? - Well, I'll take a chance.
Ah, Spanish, senor Martin.
You know, my grandfather was a spaniard.
Si?
So that's what you're up to, huh? The old badger game.
Well, you'll not get away with it, I'll have you both arrested.
Oh, please don't do that, Mr. Martin.
I might as well tell you the truth.
That ticket you've got won the sweepstakes.
And they're offering $25,000 for it.
You mean this ticket won? = it won.
You're right, monty.
Honesty is the best policy.
J love can be a moment's madness j
j love can be insane j
j love can be a life of sadness and pain j
j love can be a summer shower j
j love can be the sun j
j love can be two hearts that flower as one j
jmt can j
j be fine and free j
j but it's true j
j it doesn't always happen to you! J
j love can be a dying Amber j
j love can be a flame j
j love pledged in September j
j may be dead in December! J
j you may not even remember j
j it came! J
j oh, love can be a joy forever j
j or an empty name! J
j love is almost never ever the same! J
J oh, love can be a cup of sorrow j
j love can be a lie j
j love can make you wake tomorrow j
j and sigh j
j love can be a snow-capped mountain j
j love can be the truth j
j love can be an endless j
j fountain of youth j
j it can be j
j ecstasy j
j but that kind j
j is not so very easy to find! J
j oh, love can be a tinkling cymbal j
j love can be a dirge j
j love may seem amusing j
j a spark constantly fusing j
j but it may end up by losing j
j its urge! J
j oh, love can be a sweet endeavor j
j or a dirty shame! [J
j love is almost never ever j
j the same! Jj
This is the clumsy television broadcasting system.
When you hear the musical note will somebody
call me up and tell me what time it is?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Lovely evening, isn't it?
Wheel your mother-in-law close to the radio,
because this is the "guzzler's gin program.”
Have you tried guzzler's? It comes in two sizes.
The college size and the jumbo elephant size.
With guzzler's there's no bad taste, no af...
No bad taste, no after-effect, no upsetting the nerves,
just a nice smooth drink.
Pour a little in your glass and drink it right down.
But be sure and ask for guzzler's gin,
a nice smooth drink.
Guzz...
Guzzler's gin, friends.
Drink a little after dinner.
Drink some before and you won't have to eat any dinner.
I'll be back in a moment with more from our sponsors.
In the meantime, here is our guest star of the evening,
Mr., uh, Mr., um... Mr. subpoena.
J. Newton numbskull, doctor of poetry.
Thank you. Thank you.
My first poem.
"Greetings."
My first poem, "algy."
"Algy saw a bear, the bear saw algy.
The bear was bulgy, the bulge was algy."
And now back to our announcer and more from our sponsors,
guzzler's gin.
Thank you, newty, thank you.
This is the "guzzler's gin program” you're looking at.
Have you tried guzzler's? It comes in two sizes.
Get a college size.
One bottle and you're in a class by yourself.
With guzzler's there's no bad taste,
no after-effect, no upsetting the nerves,
just a nice smooth drink.
Pour a little in your glass...
There goes my nails.
Pour a little in your glass and drink it right down.
But be sure and ask for guzzler's gin,
a nice smooth drink.
Oh, why can't I get an oatmeal program?
Guzzler's a nice smooth drink.
Guzzler's gin, friends.
It comes in five... Two sizes, two sizes.
Now back to our guest star, j. Newton numbskull.
Thank you, thank you, you drunken tramp, you.
My next poem.
"Put 15 cents on number four..."
My next poem, "the garters."
"I bought my girl some garters at the local five and ten.
She gave them to her mother
that's the last I'll see of them."
And now back to our announcer who will sign off
the "guzzler's gin program”.
Smooth.
Have you tried guzzler's? It comes in 29 sizes.
With guzzler's you don't need a chaser.
Nothin' could catch ya!
Save money. Get the jumbo elephant size.
Only 25 cents a quart.
Return the bottle and get your 15 cents back.
Smooth!
Thought it was my tongue hanging out.
Pour a little in your glass...
Smooth!
Pour a little in your glass... I'll get rid of it somehow.
Pour a little in your glass and drink it right down.
Smooth!
Jn limehouse j
j where orientals love to play! J
jn limehouse j
j where you can hear those blues all day!
J and they seem all around [j
j like a long, long sigh! J
j queer, sob, sigh j
j oh honey lamb they seem to cry j
j such a lovely night j
j and everything was simply grand j
j that is until last night
j he pinched me, he pinched me j
j and he wouldn't let me be j
j I think he did it just to make me feel silly! &'j
J last night down our alley came a toff j
j nice old geezer with a nasty cough
j sees my misses, takes his... j
j in a very gentlemanly way j
j "ma'am," says he, "I have some news to tell!" J
j "your rich uncle Tom of camberwell” j
j "has popped off and really now it ain't a sell!" J
j "left to you his little donkey shay!" J
j "wot Cher," all the neighbors say! J
j "who you going to meet, bill? I
j think you own the street, bill?" J
j laugh! I thought I would've died! J
j knocked him in the old Kent road! J.J
J oh, limehouse kid j
j oh, oh, limehouse kid j
j going the way j
j that the rest of them did j
j poor broken blossom j
j and nobody's child j
j haunting and taunting j
j you're just kind of wild, oh... j
j oh, limehouse blues j
j I've the real limehouse blues j
j learned from the Willow j
j those sad China blues j
j rings on your fingers j
j; And tears for a crown j
j that is the story j
j of old j
j Chinatown jj
J rings on your fingers j
j; And tears for a crown j
j that is the story j
j of old Chinatown! J.J
J we are here to interview a lady j
j known to you because of her ability j
j as the glamorous amorous lady they call... j
she's expecting you, gentlemen. Won't you come in?
J now we don't mean Greta and we don't mean Bette j
j or Loretta or the song of bernadetta j
j we mean the fabulous dabulous lady they call... j
the other gentlemen are here. Please come in.
J she's news j
j she's front-page stuff j
j she's headlines j
j she's tops j
j and in advance the critics are all in accord j
j she's gonna win the next academy award j
j all her fans will be delighted j
j not to mention quite excited j
j at her personal appearance presently j
j she's stupendious, tremendious collosical, terrifical j
j she's got it, but definitely j
j the glamorous amorous lady j
j they call... j
shh!
Flibbins, what is all this?
Flibbins: The gentlemen of the press, milady.
Darlings.
How utterly charming of you to have dropped in like this.
How delightfully informal of you to have dropped in like this.
I mean, how perfectly marvelous of you to have...
Well, you have dropped in, haven't you?
And I...
Well, gentlemen...
You have caught me pitifully unprepared.
And now you may rise.
Oh, oh. Come. Get up, get up, get up, get up.
Let's get on with this.
There. Now, that's better, isn't it?
Gentlemen of the press,
members of the fourth estate,
what can I do for you?
Tell me, pray do.
J oh, glamorous lady j
j oh, amorous lady j
j oh, hamorous lady j
j here's to you j
j and humbly we're here to j
j quite mumbly we're here to j
j hum-drumly we're here j
j to interview you j
J we're here to pry into your private life j
j we're here to seek your every secret j
j we're here to scoop a scoop, obviously! J
j what is your next vehi-hi-hicle to be? J
this is much too much.
A sort of a bit of a go and touch.
But confidentially, gentlemen,
and this is off the record, of course.
All: Of course.
But about my next picture...
I'm faced with a curious problem.
Shall I always be dramatic?
Biographically emphatic?
Should I devote my life to the legitimate art?
Or should I do what I'd adore so?
Do my acting with my torso
and give all the natives a start?
Must the roles I play be tragic?
Full of Oscar-winning magic?
Should I drain the cup of drama to its dregs?
Or do you think it is permissible
to be, for once, quite kissable?
And give them a peep of my legs?
I'd like to be a pinup girl, a cheesecake girl, too.
And what is ginger Rogers that I am not?
And what has Betty grable got that I haven't got?
Oh, the cinema must exhibit me
in roles that so inhibit me,
I feel, well, I feel just like a soldier
out of step. Yes.
But would the episode outlive me?
Would my public quite forgive me?
If I tried to show the world I'm really hep?
Oh, but now, you darlings.
You adorable dear, dear boys.
I'm going to tell you all...
About my next picture.
What is my next picture?
No, no, don't tell me, don't tell me.
Shh, shh, shh.
Excuse me, darling. Here.
"Madame crematante.”
"Madame crematante”, gentlemen...
Will be a monumental biographical tribute
to a monumental biographical woman.
Who...
Toiled... searched...
Starved... slaved...
Suffered...
Pioneered...
So that the world...
You... and I...
Could reap the benefits of her magnificent discovery,
the safety pin.
The story starts in a dark, dank,
dingy tenement in Amsterdam.
Holland, you know.
In the flat of a poor impoverished family,
but of rather good antecedents.
Gretchen crematante was a very brave and noble woman,
who against the wishes of her father, the baron, you know,
married this young inventor who didn't have a sou, penniless.
J and there they were in Amsterdam j
j'in Amsterdam? J
j yes, there they were j
j in a dark and dingy tenement flat j
j with no food and no heat j
j and no money for to pay the rent j
j but did they care? J
j no, they don't care! J
j madame crematante she don't care j
j 'cause she seen the light just the other day j
j since then she been trying for to find a way j
j for to bring to the world a big invent j
j and so she did! J
j whoop Dee doodee, madame crematante did! J
j she toiled and strived and sweat, and slaved j
j a-stretchin' her mind and beginnin" to rave j
j but the price she paid was worth the pain j
j for on a cold and frosty morn j
j oh, no j
j the safety pin was born j
j hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelu-lu-lu-lu-jah! J&
j shout hallelujah and a big amen j
j for the lady with the safety pin j
j she really rocks about and gives you j
j what more do you want? J
j madame crematante! J
j hallelujah, hallelujah! J
j hola, hola, hola j
j scream and shout j
j who cares what it's all about? J
j just as long as you're stompin' j
j and jivin' and gassin' and gabbin' j
j and jammin' and jumpin' j
j when you talk about the safety pin! J
j who's got the safety pin? J
j slip me the safety pin j
j no doubt about it j
j no baby can do without j
j the safety pin, the safety pin j
j the safety pin, madame crematante j
j she's a lady who was heaven-sent j
j she's the lady with the big invent j
J safety pin j I madame crematante j
j she's the lady with the big invent, madame crematante j
j the big invent j
j oh-ah j
j oh-ah, oh-ah, oh-ah! Jj
Uh, huh.
How are you? = hello.
Say, you're, uh, uh, Fred Astaire.
- Hello. - That's right. Hello.
Uh, I'm sorry, I... I can't quite place you.
What line of business are you in?
Well, uh, I dance.
Oh, at home for the folks, picnics and that kind of thing?
Oh, no, no, in public. = on street corners?
Oh, oh, no. On the screen.
Motion pictures. = oh! Oh.
You do go to pictures that have dancing in them, don't you?
Why, I try to see them all. I go as often as I can.
Did you see a picture called "cover girl?"
Yes.
Well, who did all the dancing in that?
You're not Rita Hayworth?
No, I'm not, ginger.
- Ah. - Ah.
- Well, so long, gene. - See you around.
I've got a little number to do here.
- You have? - Well, sure.
Here? = sure.
Well, say, why don't we just
ad-lib a little something together then, huh?
- Whip it up here on the spot? - Throw it away.
Like the one we've been rehearsing for two weeks.
- Ahh! - Ahh!
J a babbitt met a bromide on the Avenue one day j
j and held a conversation in their own peculiar way j
j they both were solid citizens, they both had been around
j and as they spoke you clearly saw j
j their feet were on the ground j
j hello j j how are you? J
j I'm great! J j that's good! J
j ha-ha! Jl I knock wood! J
j well, well... j j that's life! J
j what do you know? J j how's the wife? J
j gotta run! J j oh, my!
J ta-ta! J I olive oil! J
j goodbye! J
J ten years went quickly by for both these substiantial men j
j and then it happened that one day they chanced to meet again j
j that they had both developed j
j in ten years there was no doubt j
j and so of course, they had an awful lot to talk about! J
j hello! J j how are you? J
j how's the folks? J j what's new? J
j I'm great! J j that's good! J
j ha-ha! Jl I knock wood! J
j well, well... j j that's life! J
j what do you know? J j how's the wife? J
j gotta run! J j oh, my!
J ta-ta! J I olive oil! J
j goodbye! J
J before they met again j
j some 20 years they had to wait
j this time it happened up above inside Saint Peter's gate
j a harp each one was carrying and both were sprouting wings j
j and this what they said as j
j they were strumming on the strings!
J hello! J j how are you? J
j how's the folks? J j what's new? J
j I'm great! J j that's good! J
j ha-ha! Jl I knock wood! J
j well, well... j j that's life! J
j what do you know? J j how's the wife? J
j gotta fly! J j oh, my!
J ta-ta! J I olive oil! J
j goodbye! Jj
J the gleam of a blue-white moonlight j
j makes diamonds of the stars in the sky j
j the gold of an Autumn sunset j
j colors a cloud passing by j
j the night says goodbye to the morning
j and a heart says hello j
to a heart j
j all of these wonderful things shall endure j
j they're works of art j
j there's beauty everywhere j
j that everyone can share j
j a lovely world can be unfurled j
j to those who see and care j
j we search for beauty gay j
j through every livelong day [j
j and then someone j
j comes into view j
j and suddenly you find it's true j
j that love is beauty, too! J
j and then someone j
j comes into view j
j and suddenly you find it's true j
j that love is j
j beauty j
j tool j
J and then someone j
j comes into view j
j and suddenly j
j you find it's true j
j that love is j
j beauty j
j too! J.J