These are four brilliant criminals
at the climax of their most magnificent effort.
This effort began six months ago in Portoverto,
where we were all to board the ship for Africa,
and they were my...associates in a quest for uranium,
an element not one of them knew the first thing about,
except that they'd heard you could get dough for it.
Big dough.
Who are-? I mean, what do you suppose they are?
Businessmen. Does it matter?
Well, if we're going to be on a small boat with them
for weeks and weeks.
I only said they might be fellow passengers.
Harry, we must beware of those men.
They're desperate characters.
What makes you say that?
Not one of them looked at my legs.
Good morning, Mrs. Dannreuther.
Good morning, Billy-Boy.
Care to join us in a stroll?
Stir up the liver,
sweat out the toxins.
Help nature to help you.
Wouldn't dream of it.
Really, Billy, you mustn't be so offhand
with Mr. Peterson.
If I were to treat him with more than common politeness,
he'd misunderstand and try to push me around.
Mr. Peterson is a bully.
- Billy, did you see this? - Huh?
That man in London has been killed.
What man?
"Paul Vanmeer,
"a high-ranking official in the Colonial Office,
"was stabbed to death early this morning
"by an unknown assailant outside a club in Soho.
"This is the third crime of violence
"to occur in that vicinity
within the past month."
What is it, Billy?
In heaven's name, Billy, say something.
You understand, of course, that Peterson arranged this.
It seems there's been a lot
of violence around there lately.
Oh, don't pretend to be a fool.
But look, Billy,
this happened early Tuesday morning.
We'd all left London well before that.
What about Jack Ross? What about the Galloping Major?
But he only-
I thought he only stayed behind
to get that phone call from Mombasa.
If it came through, he'll be here this morning.
Well?
Don't get so excited.
Don't jump to unpleasant conclusions.
Jump? They might as well have drawn a map.
Why was Peterson worried about Vanmeer?
What made him think he was dangerous?
He was afraid Vanmeer wouldn't stay bought.
He was afraid he'd get the wind up after we'd gone.
He had visions of him trotting upstairs
to his superiors and announcing,
"I have certain information that certain persons
are paid certain sums of money-"
Don't talk so loud, Billy.
"- to obtain illegal rights to certain mineral supplies."
That Indian- That rajah or whatever he was.
- that you worked for in the old days.
He killed a lot of people, didn't he?
Ah, but he had a better style.
Besides, he was out for a kingdom
half the size of France.
What's the difference between that and millions of dollars?
We must think of the future, Billy.
This is our big chance.
It may be our last.
Except for Mr. Peterson,
we couldn't even pay last night's hotel bill.
Where are you going?
I'm going down to the café,
drink a lot of Pernod, listen to the band.
You won't make a fuss, will you?
It doesn't do to make a fuss.
You have to think of the main objective.
Naturally, it doesn't do to be fussy.
It's your move, Gwendolen.
Gracias.
The luggage is in there.
Bring it up.
Harry, look. The desperadoes.
Shh.
Not quite in our contract, Billy.
Hard liquor before noon.
I'm celebrating.
Celebrating what?
The safe arrival of the major.
He came galloping in a minute ago,
looking tired but satisfied.
I take it his mission was accomplished.
Yes. Well, it's getting on for lunchtime, gentlemen.
I'll see you later, Billy.
Your move, Gwendolen.
Gwendolen, it's your move.
Oh.
Check.
Blast.
Are you sailing on the Nyanga?
- Africa-bound. - So are we.
Oh, my name is Chelm. This is my wife.
How do you do? My name is Dannreuther.
How do you do?
Are your friends sailing too?
The whole kit and caboodle.
You're a very mysterious group, I must say.
Really, Gwendolen.
How so mysterious?
Well, for one thing you all appear
to be of different nationalities.
It's your move, Gwendolen.
Check.
I have a theory about you and your friends.
Correction. My associates.
As a matter of fact,
I think you're doctors.
Evil ones, I mean.
You're going to the heart of the jungle,
where human life is cheap, to perform ghastly experiments
which require the sacrifice of thousands
on the altar of science.
You must excuse my wife,
she has a very lively imagination.
Checkmate.
I don't know how you expect me to play a decent game
when you keep talking all the time.
Harry's been all out of sorts today.
Usually he's a wonderful loser.
Good morning, Mr. Dannreuther.
I bring you the captain's compliments,
along with the sad news that the sailing
of the S.S. Nyanga has been postponed.
Now, look here. This boat is definitely,
most definitely scheduled to sail at 2400 hours.
Scheduled, Mr. Chelm,
but not, I fear, destined to do so.
Propeller gone or is the captain drunk?
Oh, of course the captain is drunk,
but the real trouble is with the oil pump.
Well, it's not good enough.
Simply not good enough.
Quite right, sir.
But you're putting it too mildly.
The present oil pump is no good at all.
How much delay does this mean?
Oh, to locate, bargain for,
purchase and install a new one will require, I should say,
more than a day, less than a fortnight.
Utter hopeless inefficiency.
Probably it isn't the oil pump at all.
Just making it an excuse to hang about
and pick up extra cargo.
Guns or opium?
I wouldn't be surprised if she turns out to be a smuggler.
What a miserable place to be stuck in.
A squalid fifth-rate port.
Ever been in Portoverto before?
No, I don't know this part of the world at all.
I thought not. Otherwise you wouldn't be so upset
about staying.
Magnificent country.
Ruins to visit by moonlight.
Fine stretch of beach.
And back there in the hills,
one of the few spots left in the world
where you can get decent food and drink.
It's called the Blue Pavilion.
I insist you give me the pleasure
of having dinner with us tonight.
Well, that's awfully kind of you, but-
Us?
You and your associates?
My wife and me.
The Committee.
Oh, uh, Mr. Chelm, I-
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
This is the Galloping Major.
The Committee wants you to toddle 'round.
- Okay. - Right away.
- I'll be along. - Toddle.
I said I'd be along.
They don't like to be kept waiting.
I'll lay on a car.
We'll meet in front of the hotel at 6.
Arrivederci.
Dannreuther, an American, I suppose.
Anyway, I- I quite like him.
Time, 24 hours in a day.
One-thousand-four-hundred and forty minutes
for somebody else to get busy on the same idea as ours.
We ought to have got a plane and flown out,
as I said from the start.
You remember I said it, O'Horror.
My name is not O'Horror.
It is O'Hara. You hear? Mr. O'Hara.
Yes, Mr. O'Horror, ahem, but you remember I said it.
I said we ought to take a plane.
Time. Time. What is time?
The Swiss manufacture it. The French hoard it.
The Italians squander it. Americans say it is money.
Hindus say it does not exist.
You know what I say? I say time is a crook.
If we took a plane, we'd be there inside 15 hours
instead of who knows when.
I don't want any more talk about flying.
The sky is for the birds.
My feet are on the ground, both of them.
Come in, Billy-Boy.
What's all the fuss about?
No fuss, Billy.
We're merely wondering what course to pursue
in view of this unfortunate delay.
Join the peasants in their revels.
Go to church. Write your memoirs.
Very funny. Ha-ha.
I like an associate of mine to have a sense of humor.
A good laugh does more for the stomach muscles
than five minutes setting up exercises.
And now that we've had our moment of fun
and all the better for it, let's get back to the question.
Doesn't this delay call for a cable
to your friend in British East?
Mustn't send cables.
Can't you get it through your heads
that the population down there has trained noses?
They can smell a uranium deal like a cat smells fish.
But aren't you afraid, Billy,
that when our little party doesn't show up
on the date you said-
Aren't you a teeny bit afraid
that your friend might use that as an excuse
to begin negotiations elsewhere?
If my friend were looking for an excuse,
he'd find a better one in the morning papers.
What do you mean?
I'm talking about the untimely demise of Paul Vanmeer.
Well, I'm appalled, Billy.
What an unwholesome opinion you must have
of your colleagues to imagine that we-
Look here, Peterson. You don't have to convince me of anything.
You don't care what I think as long as I don't
do anything about it.
And I won't unless you ever decide
to sic that knife-happy little junkie on me.
Watch yourself, laddie.
Now, Jack, behave yourself.
Sit down.
For shame, Billy.
I think you owe an apology to everybody in this room,
and if you're half the gentleman I know you are,
I'm sure you'll make it.
As I was saying, you have nothing to worry about.
My friend won't pull out unless I tell him to,
and for purely venal reasons,
that's the last thing I have in mind.
Jack, give Billy a light.
What a wonderful car.
It looks as if it had won the Grand Prix d'Elegance
many years ago. - Oh, it did.
It was built for Oriposo. You know, the bullfighter.
He had it made this way
so he could stand up and take bows.
He only got one ride in it.
He bequeathed it to me on his deathbed.
Well, here's to Oriposo. I hope you like champagne.
You mean, it's yours?
Gave it to my former chauffeur, the fat bandit in the front.
Harry, look at that wonderful villa.
Oh, that was Bertie Crampton's.
Oh, you mean, Lord Crampton in Gloucestershire. Heh.
His family acres marched hand in hand with ours.
Gloucestershire,
the cathedral towns, trout fishing,
garden parties-
What a beautiful life.
You know England well?
Emotionally, I am English.
I serve tea every afternoon with crumpets.
And I've always kept up my subscription
to Country Life
and to Tattler.
The trouble with England, it's all pomp and no circumstance.
You're very wise to get out of it. Escape while you can.
Well, I'd hardly describe myself as escaping.
It so happened that a relative of mine, first cousin actually,
who died recently, happened to own a coffee plantation.
Africa's the place now.
You talk about the diamond boys, the gold boys.
They've just skimmed a little off the top.
The potential mineral wealth of Africa
has hardly been scratched.
Now, there is a villa.
Big.
That's the Villa Capriccio, famed in song and story.
A three-star attraction in Baedeker.
Well, whose is it?
The banks own it now. Used to be mine.
- Yours? - Yes.
I brought old Charles over from Fouquet's.
You know, the old Fouquet's, to run it for me.
Then when I decided to pull up stakes,
I bought him this restaurant we're going to.
Least I could do to show my appreciation.
Well, here we are.
Charles!
Wait here a minute while I rout old Charles out.
He doesn't know we're in this neck of the woods.
Charles!
Heh.
He must think we're extraordinarily naive.
Knew all those people.
Owned that vast villa.
Bought this place because he liked the fellow's cooking.
What utter balderdash.
Well, perhaps he did.
I beg leave to doubt it.
Did you notice his wife?
She seemed to me rather a sensitive little woman.
Really embarrassed by all that rot.
I'm sorry, signor,
as you see, we are closed.
We do not open for another two months.
Charles, what's going on here? This place is falling to rack and ruin.
The placed is closed. We'll have to dine in the hotel after all.
Monsieur Dann.
Monsieur- Monsieur Dann.
Madame. Why did you not let me know you were coming?
You did not say you were with Monsieur Dann. Heh-heh.
Nothing is closed to Monsieur Dann.
Good to see you again, Charles.
It's been too long, Monsieur Dann.
Not since the night you left the villa. Ha.
Remember your farewell party?
I've tried ever since to forget it.
Remember how in the morning we escorted you
to the train with violins playing
and everybody cried
like when a king you love very much
leaves his country.
Aren't you dressed yet?
Do I appear to be dressed?
Do dress, do hurry.
It's the most wonderful day,
and Billy wants us to drive out and see his villa.
Uh, his former villa. Hm.
Obviously, I can't go. I've got a chill on my liver.
What a miserable place to be ill.
And you forgot to pack my hot water bottle.
You packed it.
Gwendolen, I distinctly remember-
Hello.
Oh, hello.
No, I-I'm afraid we can't.
Harry has this wretched chill and-
Uh, give me the telephone.
Chelm here.
Yes.
Quite.
Absolutely.
A hot water bottle.
That's very, very good of you, old boy.
Now, look here, Dannreuther,
would you mind very much if my wife went alone?
She enjoys this sightseeing sort of stuff, you know.
Splendid.
I'll send her along.
You know, Gwendolen, nowadays one simply cannot afford
to dismiss people just because they're not one's sort.
One has to try and bridge the gulf.
After all, it's a new world we're going into.
One's got to take it as one finds it.
Face it.
Use it.
Master it.
You know, I- I've seen Americans
on the street and in the cinema, of course, but I-
I've never talked to one before.
Are you a typical American?
I think it's important that I should know.
Why important?
There are two good reasons for falling in love.
One is that the object of your affections
is unlike anyone else.
A rare spirit, such as Lord Byron.
The other is that he's like everybody else,
only superior.
Harry, for instance, is the very best of a type.
Well, if you must know, I'm a typical rare spirit.
How long did you live here?
Oh, the longest I've ever lived anywhere is two years.
But when you were a child,
didn't you ever have a mother and father and a house
and a street and a town?
No. I, uh- I was an orphan until I was 20,
and then a rich and beautiful lady adopted me.
Heh. You know, I've changed my mind
about your being an evil doctor.
You're off to keep a rendezvous some place
in Africa sacred to the tribesmen.
You're going to found a new empire
and make yourself master of the riches of the world,
but you need a beautiful blond queen
to impress the natives as-
A- as the incarnation of the queen of Sheba.
That's why you're making a pass at me.
Am I?
Of course.
I don't generally go sightseeing with strange men.
You don't believe that, do you?
Oh, I believe anything you say.
- Do you? - Mm-hm.
Well, you shouldn't, you know. You really shouldn't.
Mr. Chelm.
Yes?
It is I, Mrs. Dannreuther. Maria.
Oh, come on.
Tea for two and two for tea.
Now, that's most awfully kind.
You shouldn't have troubled. Really.
Billy told me you had a chill.
Bit of one. On the liver. Too tiresome.
- Milk, of course. - Of course.
I feel I should like somehow
to do him a good turn of some kind.
You do?
Well, naturally.
Oh, I see, naturally.
I think it would be nice if-
If you were able to do something for him.
Help him along.
Give him the benefit of your advice.
Delighted, of course. For instance?
Oh, something with business.
He was very pleased with that tip you gave him
on the way home last night about the gold shares.
I've forgotten what I told him. What was it?
I don't remember either.
I was listening to your voice.
I wasn't listening to what you said.
You see, if you were helping him,
it would be so much easier
for us to be together a lot out there in Africa.
Well, has he any head for business?
Why, he's simply brilliant.
I wouldn't have thought it.
But of course he is.
You don't suppose I'd marry a ninny, do you?
If you imagine that Harry
is simply going to Africa to plant coffee,
you're very much mistaken.
In point of fact- In point of fact,
coffee is the least of Harry's interests.
In point of fact,
the land he's acquiring
is extremely rich in certain minerals.
Minerals which are indispensable
to the production of atomic energy.
Harry's land simply teams with uranium.
It wouldn't surprise me
to see him become the uranium king.
So you see, my husband isn't such a ninny
as you may have imagined.
It might very well be worth your while to go in with him.
The potential mineral wealth
of Africa has hardly been scratched.
So I was telling you last night.
But of course, it's a well-known fact.
Billy-Boy.
Had a happy day?
Very.
I'm so glad.
What an attractive woman Mrs. Chelm is.
Is that what you called me over to tell me?
- Who are the Chelms? - They're English.
Going out to British East. They have a coffee plantation.
Any money in coffee?
No. But there's a type of Englishman goes off
to coffee plantations without caring
whether there's any money in it or not.
Relatives leave them coffee plantations
and they go out to them.
But why this sudden interest in the Chelms?
I just like to know who's making friends with my friends.
Well, now you know.
I don't believe one word...
You know, if I ever leave you,
it will be for someone of the type of Harry Chelm.
Well, bully for you.
I suppose that type of Englishman
is like a story I once heard.
An English gardener in England
was showing some Americans one of those wonderful English lawns
and of course they wanted to know how
to make a lawn like that, and this English gardener said-
He said all you have to do is get some good grass
and roll it every day for 600 years.
I heard that story before you were born.
Englishmen tell it when they're feeling down in the mouth.
You just don't understand the Chelm type.
You're not even listening.
You never do.
Some day I'll say goodbye
and you won't hear that either.
Some day I shall really meet my type
and run off with him,
and you'll be simply amazed.
That's possible.
George Moore said-
I learned it by heart years ago.
He said that, "Each great passion
is the fruit of many fruitless years."
George Moore was a very distinguished English writer,
you know.
Except that he was Irish.
Cheer up, sugar.
If I make a million on this deal,
I'll buy you an old English lawn,
one we can roll up and take with us.
Billy.
Good morning.
Well, what's our wide-eyed Irish leprechaun
doing outside my door?
Why do you always make jokes about my name? Huh?
In Chile the name of O'Hara is-
Is a tiptop name.
Many Germans in Chile have become to be called O'Hara.
Good morning, Mr. O'Hara.
Madame. My respects.
Perhaps Mr. O'Hara would like something to drink?
Yes, uh, maybe perhaps, uh, a little whiskey, huh?
Uh, very weak, please.
What's this visit in honor of?
Oh...just wanted to have a little talk with you.
Okay, but make it fast.
Fast. Heh.
I give you my word, Billy. I-
I give you my word. I'll feel to you like, uh-
Like an older brother.
Oh, it's not so much the difference of age.
It's, uh-
It's probably- Yes, the reason is because-
'Cause I come from a culture
which is so much older than yours.
In my country a child, 6- years-old,
is older in his heart than you will be at-
At- At 60.
It smokes. It drinks.
It philosophizes.
At this rate, I'll be 60 before you get to the point.
The point- The point is that-
That Peterson, Ravello and myself,
we are the principals in this case.
We are in with the money.
We cannot switch around and turn and-
But an agent,
it's easy to imagine that he could conceivably-
Doesn't feel himself quite as irrevocably committed as-
As, uh, Peterson or...
We're fellow passengers, I believe.
Not quite yet, would you say?
Too sadly true.
By any chance you-
You don't happen to have seen your Mr. Dannreuther about?
I don't think Billy's up yet.
It's not 11. He's rather a late riser.
But he said- He said- Well, anyway...
I shouldn't put too much stock in what Billy says,
particularly when he's had a few drinks.
Not that he means to break his word,
he just forgets that he's given it.
Charm and dependability so seldom go in one package.
There are exceptions, of course.
Your husband, I imagine,
from his manner and behavior, is one.
Oh, yes, very- Well, quite, I mean.
I'm looking forward to meeting your husband
and having a chat about Africa.
By all means.
I understand he's in coffee.
You make it sound like a total immersion.
The part of Africa we're going to
is due for some pretty important changes.
In my opinion, things will be booming out there
before you can say "Jack Robinson."
I do hope there won't be too many changes.
It's completely unspoiled, I hear,
with some of the loveliest scenery in the world.
I can't imagine anything more lovely in the way of scenery
than to have a few acres of gold
and diamonds cropping up on a piece of land
I'd bought for a song.
Heaven forbid.
The next thing there'd be big ugly holes everywhere
and great horrid machines instead of, uh, lovely scenery.
Anyway, I- I don't think my husband worries much
about money and business, that sort of thing.
Really?
I mean, to appreciate my husband's point of view,
one has to understand his background.
Those lawns, hundreds of years in the making.
Those immemorial elms.
Those walls hung with family portraits,
generations of them.
Those great echoing galleries
where so much of English history has been made.
Taxes must be terrific on a place like that.
What would people like the Chelms care about taxes
with their kind of money?
I mean, when a family has been a power
in the city of London for so long,
one of the great financial families.
"A power in the city."
You mean- Oh, yes, of course. One of those Chelms.
I'm surprised you know about them at all.
Very few people do.
They prefer to work behind the scenes.
I find it rather hard to believe
that a man in your husband's position
would go to Africa just for the coffee planting.
You're very quick, aren't you?
In point of fact, he isn't.
In point of fact, he has a very special reason.
So I suspected.
It has to do with...sin.
Sin?
Since the war, my husband has been almost exclusively
concerned with spiritual values.
He feels that if he can get away there,
in the heart of Africa,
he will come face to face with essentials.
He wants to work out the problem of sin.
Sin?
Why, yes, of course.
Isn't that what we're all most concerned with?
Sin.
Gwendolen, what are you doing here?
I thought we were supposed to meet on the beach.
Harry, I want you to meet Mr.-
My name is Peterson.
I've been having the most delightful talk to your wife.
She tells me you're- You're interested in spiritual values.
I myself am vastly concerned-
Harry, we really better be going.
You'll excuse us, Mr. Peterson.
What have you been telling that man?
Why, nothing, Harry.
He got on to the subject of religion,
and I just happened to mention that we usually go
to church on Sunday.
Billy, I- I think it is high time
you take stock of yourself.
Can you truthfully say about yourself, I-
I, Billy Dannreuther,
have acted fairly and squarely to my associates, huh?
But of course he can, Mr. O'Hara.
Everybody knows Billy is the soul of honor.
Shut up, sugar.
Perhaps he is the soul of honor
and perhaps appearances are deceiving.
Do you mind telling me what it is I'm supposed to have done?
Nothing.
It's your conduct. Your- Your-
Your conduct doesn't-
Your conduct does not inspire confidence and-
And confidence, Billy, is the most important necessity
in an undertaking of our kind.
One may be completely innocent,
but if one's actions invite suspicion,
one might as well be guilty.
To be trustworthy is not more important than-
Than to seem to be trustworthy.
Billy, have you done something you shouldn't have?
Tell me, Billy.
Tell me the truth.
My conduct.
Who do they think I am, their hired man?
But you are, you know.
You are their hired man.
How good and kind of you to remind me.
How good. How true.
How kind.
Oh, I say, Dannreuther.
Good to see you. How about a drink?
Well, I, uh- Oh, come on, my dear fellow,
let me buy you a drink.
Oh, uh, Gwendolen, don't forget to send one to Aunt Beatrice.
Can't understand it.
Gwendolen distinctly said she'd join me on the beach,
then I come back and find her sitting there in that café.
Extraordinary creatures, women.
Well, let's drink to them.
- Pernod. - Scotch.
Come on, you tiny little wreck. Have a drink.
We're drinking to women.
Take the drink, but won't join you in the toast.
A glass of Irish.
Women.
Hitler had the right idea. Keep them in their place.
"Babies in the kitchen."
Say what you want to about Hitler, he had his points.
Come, come. Look here.
This generation's had its chance.
Hitler, Mussolini, those were the men.
Now is the age of the barbarians.
The world's going up in smoke.
I say let it come. Get it over with.
Well, if you don't mind,
I'd like another year or so of worrying.
Worrying? Just one minute, laddies.
I've just two or three words to say to you laddies,
and that's don't worry.
Don't ever worry.
I'm in a position to know.
Secret information.
The Rosicrucians.
The great white brotherhood. The high secret orders.
But you've no faith. You must have faith.
Faith and power. Secret power.
Men who guard the trust from the deepest insides
of the whatchamacallit.
Mystic rulers. All one club.
Chained together by one purpose. One idea.
Mankind's champions. Follow me, Billy?
Oh, why, of course.
This generation's had its chance.
Hitler, Mussolini.
I can't stand here and permit you-
Are you interrupting me?
Relax, Jack. Have another drink.
I simply want to state that things don't happen to be
what certain people imagine.
An officer may find himself strapped for money
and he may undertake certain things
which in other circumstances, no, absolutely no.
Absolutely.
I mean, uh, absolutely no.
In the old days I should have simply told people of your ilk
to buy their own drinks.
Poor old Jack.
I'll teach you.
I'll teach you to insult an ex-officer of the Indian army.
Well, are you yellow?
The bar.
You're Major Ross?
Right.
Ross here.
Right.
Right again.
Come along. The Committee.
Saved by the bell.
I've never heard such rot in my life.
Sin. Oh, sin.
All I could do was to keep a straight face.
No. I'm certain of it now.
These are two very clever and dangerous antagonists.
Sit here and help me close this.
But how could they possibly know what we're up to?
Great interests like the Chelms have ways and means.
Yes, and I'm convinced they're out to get us
even before we get started.
We must get ahead of them.
Time has entered the picture in a new way.
Never forget the time factor, gentlemen.
It always enters the picture in the end.
I'm sending a cable to London.
I want full information on those Chelm interests.
British Africa too. Check up on his interests there.
Every time the plane lands,
I'll try and reach you by telephone.
Keep me informed of the latest developments.
Dannreuther, that lying, swinish,
rum-swilling, double-crosser.
What pleasure it would give me-
Ah, ah, no, you can't at the moment. We need him.
Right now we need that swinish, lying double-
Did I hear my name?
Rub-a-dub-dub.
Three men in a tub.
Tub?
Oh, heh-heh-heh.
Been a change of plan, Billy-Boy.
You and I are leaving for Africa.
How's that?
You and I are flying to Africa by the next plane.
Oh, what's happened, Peterson?
It must be something important to get you on a plane.
Perfectly simple, Billy-Boy.
The trouble with the oil pump and the general uncertainty
about when the Nyanga will sail
forces me to sacrifice my personal comfort.
I prefer to fly rather than run the risk of arriving too late.
Well, there's also such a thing as arriving too early.
What do you mean by that? The land doesn't come up
for auction for a couple of weeks.
My friend can't make his move until then.
If we sit around in British East all that time,
somebody's gonna start wondering who we are and ask questions.
Is that your real opinion, Billy,
or are you just looking forward
to a long sea voyage with the attractive
Mrs. Chelm as your companion?
Or perhaps you have even other reasons.
Such as?
That's for you to know and for us to find out.
You better get your packing done.
Billy, where are you going?
Off to Africa. Flying.
Just like that?
Weren't you even going to kiss me goodbye?
I wish-
Don't say it.
What?
That you wish we'd never met.
You'll be coming on the boat
and in Africa we'll get together and-
I think I hate you.
Letting those revolting men order you about.
Don't deny it. I've watched them.
They treat you like a servant.
They say hop it and off you hop.
I know what it is.
They have a hold on you.
Some black secret that could ruin you.
Oh, what makes you think that?
Oh, it happens all the time.
My old Spanish nurse told me
that half the people in the world would be ruined at once
if everyone told what they knew.
But...couldn't you have them done away with?
I mean, you must know plenty of people who could bump them off.
It'd probably cost a good deal,
but it'd be worth it certainly.
Oh, it's not impossible.
Except that afterwards I wouldn't have any money.
This way I stand to make a lot.
Millions? Maybe.
Then perhaps your connection with those men
isn't quite so undignified as I thought.
Those millions, would they be, uh, pounds or dollars?
Oh, either way suits me.
Now, that's very careless of you.
The state of the pound is so uncertain.
You must think in terms of hard currency.
Maybe I should hire you to handle my affairs.
You could do worse.
I'm awfully intelligent, really.
Come along, Billy-Boy. The car's waiting.
If we can't go faster than this, we'll miss the plane. Press on.
Press on.
Try posting.
Push, push.
Come on. One, two, three!
Driver, driver!
My car, my car! My beautiful car.
You did that on purpose. What?!
You planned it that way.
I know what you're up to. I know everything.
I know about the uranium on the Chelms' land.
The Chelm interests in the city of London.
The what?
You heard me. The Chelm interests.
I take it your information comes from a reliable source.
It does. From Mrs. Chelm herself, in fact.
Ha, ha. Magnificent. Simply magnificent.
You must pay me back for the loss of my beautiful car.
If you weren't a benighted jackass,
if you could see as far as you spit,
you'd know there's no such thing as the Chelm interests.
You'll have to do better than that, Mr. Dannreuther,
very much better than that.
Don't believe me! Check with London.
If you find out he's anything more than a down-at-heel
Gloucestershire squire, you can have my services for nothing.
You mean, Mrs. Chelm is an unqualified liar?
Well, let's say she uses her imagination
rather than her memory.
You will make restitution, will you no, Mr. Dann?
Either the money or a new car.
Why, you fat bandit, I gave you the car in the first place.
How I came by it is beside the point.
The fact you gave it to me
doesn't make it any the less mine.
Shut up.
That's right, threaten me.
It is not enough that you destroy my beautiful car.
Now you-
My beautiful car.
Stop! Hey, stop.
More than anything,
I want Billy to make a grand success out there.
Well, as you care so much about money,
I should have thought you would have left Billy
for some rich man.
I shouldn't think Billy would mind, really.
I mean, neither of you are in love or anything.
You are a strange girl.
Of course I love Billy.
Actually, I adore him.
And Billy loves me very, very, but very much.
That's why I trust him with his little unimportant amours.
And what does he say about yours?
But, darling, all husbands like their wives
to seem attractive to other men.
Be sure you to explain that to Harry.
I'm going back to the hotel.
Mrs. Dannreuther, Maria.
I have, I'm afraid- I have some shocking news for you.
The boat is not going at all?
There's been a terrible accident.
Your husband's car drove over a cliff.
The people on the bus saw it fall into the sea.
It seems almost certain that-
What is it? What-? What are you trying to say?
He's saying that Billy is dead.
It's become necessary
to redistribute the stock in our company.
Stock. Stock.
What good is the stock now?
We can't deal with Dannreuther's friend,
not without Dannreuther.
All the effort.
The money.
Everything went over the cliff with that car.
Ravello, you forget the English are very sentimental people.
I tell you, there is nothing that Billy's friend
will not do for his widow.
And in black, mwah, she's a very touching figure.
Poor Maria.
You really have had a- A wretched time of it.
You are very understanding.
If only there was something I could do.
Just now if you could bring me an aspirin. I have a headache.
Don't move. Just you wait there. I'll be back in a moment.
Mussolini, Hitler and now Peterson.
A great man. A great loss.
I'm... I'm going upstairs and read my bible.
Why all the gloom?
Maria has a headache.
What's the matter with you?
Go away.
My dear girl, I'm as sorry about Dannreuther as you are,
but after all, it isn't as if he was one of our oldest friends.
I was in love with him.
He was a very pleasant acquaintance.
What did you say?
I was in love with him.
Really, darling, have you no control
over your romantic fantasies?
I loved him.
Can't you hear me?
I loved him, I loved him!
Oh, rot. You're just dramatizing again.
By George, you were right after all. Ha! I did pack it.
Oh, what shall I do?
I feel as though I were drowning.
He's dead.
He's dead, and I'm left with a fool like you.
I'll tell you what to do. Have a bit of shuteye.
You'll wake up in an hour feeling your old self again,
and there'll be no more silly stories
about falling for a middle-aged roustabout, rest his soul.
Oh, please go away.
I'll just take these to Maria.
Mr. Chelm, this is very important,
for you as well as for myself.
Yes, well, get on with it.
There is now an opportunity for you
to secure enormous profits with virtually no risk.
I won't beat about the bush.
Our purpose in going to...
For you, as Billy's widow,
it will be very easy to persuade his friend in British East.
And- And for capital, we have Chelm.
Quite evidently you've been misinformed as to my interests.
What's the matter with all of you?
Is somebody dead?
The car. It went over a cliff.
We thought you'd both been killed.
Dannreuther, I'm delighted to see you're alive.
But your wife is in a fainting condition.
You mean, you're not dead at all?
Obviously I'm not dead.
I knew you weren't dead.
I counted 13 backwards 13 times.
My old Spanish nurse said if you did that,
a miracle would happen, and you see it has.
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the glad tidings.
The captain is sober,
and the S.S. Nyanga will sail at midnight.
I can't see it anywhere.
What can have happened to it?
My dispatch box, where is it?
A black tin box, this size. What have you done with it?
I told you to take the most particular care of it.
I shall not go onboard till my dispatch box has been found.
Having trouble, Chelm?
Nothing I can't cope with myself, thank you.
He says he put it in your cabin. Whatever it is.
Idiot. Why didn't he say so in the first place?
Say, look, what's happened to Harry?
He's been giving me the fisheye all evening.
- Oh. - What is it?
Perhaps it's because when I thought you were dead, I-
I told him I was in love with you.
You what?
I couldn't help it.
It made you seem less dead.
And?
Oh, he didn't believe me.
He thought my nerves were upset.
A sort of delirium.
He thought it quite a joke,
the idea of my inventing a love affair
with a middle-aged roustabout like you.
That's what he called you.
Well, now, that I'm back in the flesh,
he'll begin wondering about that delirium of yours.
I suppose seeing you alive
is different from thinking of you dead.
It'll be just great, cooped up on that tub
with a suspicious husband.
Billy,
let's not go.
What do you mean?
I'm asking you to run away with me.
Now.
What about the millions in hard currency?
What's happened to you?
I thought you were my shrewd little manager.
I've changed my point of view.
I thought we'd get to Africa and you'd make your fortune
and everything would be wonderful.
But now I think it's all too risky.
Too many things can happen.
I want us to cut and run for it. Right now.
You really mean that? With all my heart.
Oh, no, that's impossible.
Why? Well, for one thing,
Mrs. Dannreuther might not go for the idea.
She's not quite as sophisticated as you are.
Please, Billy, listen to me.
I've thought it all out.
We'll take the bus and-
And catch an express for somewhere-
No, no, the shot's not on the table.
You're not in love the way I am.
If I loved you a thousand times more than you say you love me,
it still wouldn't make any difference.
I've got to have money.
Doctor's orders are that I must have a lot of money,
otherwise I become dull, listless
and have trouble with my complexion.
But you're not like that now and you haven't any money.
It's my expectations that hold me together.
You really mean that, don't you, darling?
Sure I mean it.
And your main reason for wanting lots of money
is so that you'll be ever so attractive
and I'll love you more and more.
That's right, baby.
I'll help you, Billy.
I can too.
I'm something of a witch.
My old Spanish nurse said I could have been a professional.
Well, don't look now, but they're raising the gangway.
Sea air, ozone.
What a pity we can't bottle it, gentlemen.
What a fortune we'd make.
Neptune's mixture.
Now, breathe deeply.
Remember, every breath is a guinea in the bank of health.
Good morning, Chelm.
Why, that's good. Very good indeed.
I didn't know you were an artist, Mrs. Dannreuther.
I'd hardly call myself that.
I only dabble.
The nose is not enough long.
The ears are too small.
Only has one eye.
Come along, gentlemen,
we must not dawdle.
* Blow the man down, bully
* Blow the man down
* Blow, blow Blow the man down *
* Blow the man down, bully Blow the man down *
Good morning, Mrs. Chelm. Let's hope she breaks her neck.
* Blow the man down, bully Blow the man down *
* Blow the man down, bully
* Blow the man down Blow, blow, blow the man down *
* Blow the man down, bully Blow the man down *
* Give me some time To blow the man down *
Mr. Peterson. Mr. Peterson.
A radiogram.
"No Chelm estate Gloucestershire. Stop.
No landed gentry Chelm."
What do you make of that?
He's not a Gloucestershire squire.
Like Billy said.
Just as I was beginning to take Billy at his face value.
Yes, but if he is not what Billy said, then- Then what is he?
We are at sea again, gentlemen. In more ways than one.
Mystery. More mystery.
Billy is a liar.
Heaven only knows what Chelm is.
CID, maybe?
You borrowed my thought.
What to do? What to do?
The time has come for direct action.
Do you remember last night when we came onboard,
the fuss he was making about his dispatch box?
I love colors.
Working with them is an endless puzzle.
Your face, for instance.
Ten minutes ago it was all brown and pink.
Now the light has changed and it's chalky white.
What?
Tinged with green.
Green?
It must be getting rough.
Just a little.
Don't break the pose.
I don't feel very well.
I think I'll go below and take a pill.
It's incredible. Harry Chelm is just-
Just Harry Chelm. Nothing. Nobody.
A ruddy refugee from Earls Court.
With a hot water bottle. Look.
And a letter of introduction
to the secretary of the governor.
The secretary, mind you, disgusting.
Purser, my box.
Uh, a bit up and down, isn't it, sir?
It's gone.
Oh, yes, indeed.
Major Ross took it.
I saw him sneak it out of your cabin.
I like to keep my eye on what goes on aboard the ship.
Where did he take it?
I believe, Mr. Peterson's cabin.
In fact, I'm sure.
Ah.
Now, may I ask what explanation you have to offer?
He forgot his hot water bottle.
Billy. Come in.
Billy, have you heard what's happened?
Haven't seen a paper in days.
It's not funny.
They've stolen Harry's dispatch box.
Who stole his dispatch box?
That dreadful little major.
He took it to Peterson. They went through it.
Well, it's all your fault.
I suppose you know that. My fault?
The poppycock you've been peddling.
All that junk about the Chelm interests in London.
Uranium on your land.
Well, in a way, you're the one to blame.
I'm the-?
I mean, you acted so superior.
I was falling in love with you, and I- I couldn't bear it
for you to think I was just a nobody
married to the son of a boardinghouse in Earls Court.
The- The son of a what?
A boardinghouse.
That's what Harry's parents do.
They run a boardinghouse for decayed gentlefolk.
Well, but the way he talks, the way he acts. I thought-
It's just that he sees himself in a place
in the west country with trout streams and horses,
leading the life of a country squire.
It's not his fault if people take it for granted
that he has a place like that.
He's never once said that he had.
Well, country gent, son of a boardinghouse,
or whatever he is,
I suppose I'd better get his box back.
Oh, he got it back himself.
Well, then, there's no harm done.
Except that Harry's gone to the captain.
He's going to have them put in irons.
He is what?
He says that's what they did in the Royal Marines.
Look here, skipper, there's a perfectly simple explanation
for all this.
I happen to own a dispatch box
which is very similar to Mr. Chelm's.
When I didn't find it in my cabin,
I asked Major Ross to see if it had been stowed away
somewhere else by mistake.
The major found what he thought was my box
in the saloon with some other luggage.
The box has been in my cabin ever since we sailed.
Under the berth.
As soon as I saw the box, of course I realized at once
that it wasn't mine.
I simply opened it to find out to whom it belonged
so that I could return it to its rightful owner.
I can't conceive why this gentleman should imagine
I should be interested in a box containing patent medicines.
Heh. I- I'm not a hypochondriac.
Purser, tell the captain exactly what you told me about the box.
Why, sir, you asked me whether I'd seen it
and I said it might be the one
I had seen being carried along the passage by Major Ross.
You distinctly told me
that you'd seen it being taken from my cabin.
Oh, you must have misunderstood.
You were rather ill at the time, if you remember, sir.
That's all, purser.
He's been bribed. He's in league with these criminals.
Just a case of a misunderstanding.
That's how I look at it.
Now, what about a little cognac to wash away any ill feeling?
No, I don't care for a drink.
And this matter is far from settled.
While rifling through my personal effects,
you must've noticed I had a letter of introduction
to the secretary of the governor.
I suspect he'll be much more interested in what I have to say
than this gin-soaked, so-called ship's captain.
You mind your tongue!
Anymore insults, you're the one I put in irons!
As far as I am concerned, this is a closed incident.
You've got your box back.
Why not forget the whole thing?
What interest do you expect the Colonial Office to take-?
On the contrary, I expect them to take a considerable interest
in a gang of crooks who are trying to swindle a country
out of vast uranium deposits.
Just one moment, sir.
What leads you to believe-
This gentleman obviously hasn't seen fit to inform you
that during your supposed demise,
he attempted to lure me into your nefarious venture.
Unfortunately for you, he acquainted me
with all the pertinent facts.
Facts which I intend to communicate
to the proper authority at the very earliest opportunity.
I thought you were dead. That's what they told me.
Everyone told me you were dead.
And if you were dead,
we had to have fresh capital, heh, didn't we?
You, Ravello, my own partner,
sneak up behind my back and- And try to cheat me.
The milk's spilt. It's no good crying over it.
Get after him, Billy. Calm him down. Talk to him.
See if you can't get him to change his attitude.
I'll try, but I don't think it'll do any good.
I don't know why we have to worry about Chelm's attitude.
Talk's no good.
Conversation never convinced anybody.
I say, put an end to words.
Shut up, Jack.
Time factor has entered the picture again.
This time, fortunately, it's working on our side.
Two weeks before we reach port,
that should be plenty of time to convince our friend Chelm.
I beg you, please end all this trouble.
If things go on,
either you will be done away with
before we ever get to Africa,
or you will live and denounce Peterson to the authorities
and that will be the ruin of all my plans and hopes.
In the long run you'll do much better
to get clear of these people.
They're thoroughly undesirable.
The long run. I'm tired of the long run.
I am not even thinking about them or about myself.
It's only you that concerns me, Harry.
No need to worry about me.
Ever since I met you, you fill my thinking.
You are becoming an obsession.
Don't you understand, Harry?
I am deeply in love.
Maria.
My dear.
Only you could make a woman feel like this.
All I want is to be in your arms, now and always.
You forget I'm going to be done away with.
Oh, no, no.
It will be easy to arrange.
What you must do is this:
You will write me a letter.
A love letter.
You will tell me that you cannot denounce Peterson
because then I will suffer too.
Because you love me so much,
you cannot bear to hurt me.
Such a letter they will believe,
if I show it to them.
My dear girl, you must see
that this is quite out of the question.
I don't propose to make compromises.
Not compromises, Harry, darling.
But you can see if you cause trouble,
the whole of our plans, my plans...
You would not want to make the innocent suffer.
It would be much better if you don't interfere, Maria.
I must handle this as I see fit.
Then you intend to go ahead with this business,
tell stories and ruin everything?
It'll be much better if you cut loose from these people.
No happiness can come from such an association.
Harry, I'm asking you not to do this.
Please write the letter, then there will be no trouble
for you, no trouble for us.
No risk when we get to Africa.
I'm sorry, my dear,
we English are a very pigheaded lot.
You think you can get away with this?
But, Maria, my dear, good Maria, listen.
First you make love to me, now you tell me you will ruin me.
Heh. You'll forgive me, but it was you who made, uh-
Oh, shut your trap!
Go on, do what you like.
You think you're such a brave man.
I'll tell you what you are.
You are a heel.
Huh!
What the blazes now?
What's happening? What's going on here?
Oil pump's on the blink. Electricity's failed.
Utter folly, a ship lying in darkness this way.
We might well be rammed at any minute.
I'll attend to this myself. Which way is the engine room?
The passengers are not permitted to-
I'm sure your chief engineer
would welcome the advice of an ex-officer of the Royal Marines.
Look here, you fool.
Are we simply abandoned to our fate?
I insist on something being done.
For instance? Well, give out the life belts.
Organize the boat drill.
The clientele are requested to remain calm.
To remain calm. Did the captain feel no sense of responsibility
for the lives of his passengers?
It's my opinion that the captain
doesn't feel much of anything at the moment.
You mean to say he's drunk?
The fellow ought to be made to walk the plank.
I'm afraid just now he cannot walk at all.
But this is outrageous- Oh, sit down, old man.
What have you got to worry about?
We're only adrift in an open sea with a drunken captain
and an engine that's liable to explode at any moment.
Perfectly ordinary situation.
Happens every day.
But just in case any of you are still at all anxious,
let it be known that Mr. Chelm
has taken charge in the engine room.
Who's taken charge?
Harry, and he'll foozle it for sure.
Shall I get out the hymnbooks?
Your husband claims to have learned all the about engines
and such things when he was an officer in the Royal Marines.
If he ever was.
In point of fact, not only was he an officer,
but he once won a medal for jumping into a sea
of fire to rescue someone.
It was only a bit of wreckage and not a man,
but that wasn't Harry's fault.
Just a slight error in judgment.
The lights. They come on.
He must have fixed it.
Impossible.
The engines are turning.
We're under way.
I still say it's impossible.
Uh, ladies and, uh, gentlemen,
may I have your attention for a moment.
I'm happy to inform you that the oil pump
is now in perfect working condition.
Putting it right was no great accomplishment
for anyone with the slightest mechanical bent.
Anyhow, we may now proceed without further delay
and in absolute safety.
Oh, Harry, you did, you did, you foozled it.
The pig who wrecked the ship!
Where is he?! I'll tear out his gizzard!
Mr. Chelm, forward, please. The captain wants to see you.
There you are. You devil.
You wreck my beautiful ship!
Nothing of the sort.
Some scalawag down there sabotaged my work
out of pure malice!
You explode my engine! I break your bones, I kill you!
Keep your heads, boys. Let's behave like little gentlemen.
Stay out of this, Dannreuther. I can handle the brute.
Let me at him.
What happens now?
Do we get the life belts?
Do we abandon the ship?
There's no immediate danger.
The passengers will please to return to the saloon.
We are heading for the nearest port and there seems to be
some chance of our making it.
Great. Let's go.
Come along.
Now, who was last down?
Blast.
Billy-Boy, be a good fellow and make a fourth for Bridge.
The major has no head for cards.
A few rubbers will soothe all our nerves.
No, thank you.
I'll soothe mine with a double Scotch.
In fact, I think I'll make it a triple.
No ice, no water.
Right, sir.
How about you, Mrs. Dannreuther?
A little Bridge?
Oh, so sorry.
I have the most fearful headache.
I think I'll go to my cabin.
Oh, what a shame.
Well, boys, we'll have to make it cutthroat.
What about Harry, here? Maybe he'll take a hand.
That, under the circumstances, is a most unsuitable suggestion.
Gwendolen, I must ask you to either move to another table
or else leave the saloon.
Oh, Harry, for heaven's sake.
I don't care for my wife to associate
with an associate of criminals.
Don't be absurd.
Billy's not a criminal.
He's the best friend we have on this boat.
Well, we are not in need of such friends.
You need any friends you can get.
The only thing standing between you
and a watery grave is your wits,
and that's not my idea of adequate protection.
Purser, how much longer before this ship reaches port?
If we ever do get to port, it should be
within 14 or 15 hours.
That's a long time.
Sit down, make yourself comfortable.
Have a drink.
Enjoy the major's piano recital.
Come on, Peterson, buy us a drink.
I'm afraid I can't accept hospitality from persons who
I intend in a few hours time to denounce in a place of justice.
Two spades.
I admire your sang-froid, Mr. Peterson,
or perhaps you don't think I'm serious.
We shall see.
Three clubs.
Gwendolen, are you going to do as I say?
Not when you speak to me in that tone.
Not when you try to order me about.
In that case...
Where are you going?
On deck, where the air is less polluted.
Purser. Four tonics.
I think you'd better go after Harry.
Why should I?
If he's going to be so childish and unreasonable.
Take my advice. Go to him. Stay with him.
I suppose you think we should keep up appearances.
The loyal wife at her husband's side.
No, Billy.
I'm experiencing something that is rare and beautiful.
And I shall not deny it, either by word or by deed.
I love you.
Let the whole world know it.
I love you. I love you.
Well, keeping up appearances isn't exactly what I meant.
Then why do you want to send me tagging after Harry?
He's being such a deadly bore tonight.
Deadly, but not dead. Not yet.
What do you mean?
They killed one man just because
they thought he might try to get in their way.
Now handsome Harry here is threatening
to blow the whole thing wide open.
- They killed a man? - Uh-huh.
Really. Who?
Oh, just a man.
Well, for all Harry's being too, too tiresome
and my loving you to distraction,
I- I still wouldn't want to see him done in.
He has some perfectly darling traits, really.
I mean, like always remembering one's birthday.
No, we simply mustn't let anybody murder Harry.
Then keep him in your cabin. Never let him out of your sight.
Keep him under lock and key.
Oh, Billy.
That awful music.
It's so loud. It comes right into our cabin.
Peterson, tell the major to soft-pedal it.
And while he's about it, he might change the tune.
Oh, don't you like it? It's one of my favorites.
I'm afraid he doesn't know any others.
Do you, Jack?
Major.
Do I hear a lady screaming?
One down.
Captain, captain!
What happened?
Oh, Billy, all that screaming.
I thought someone had been killed.
Well, someone nearly was.
Indeed they were. Look at the major.
Better get a new act.
The curtain's going down on this one.
Every time I turn my back, someone makes trouble.
They break the engine. They beat each other with fists.
They throw each other overboard. That man attacked me.
Ah, you. You again!
If I struck him, it was in self-defense.
He came sneaking up behind me and tried to run me through.
Is that true?!
Well...
It's no use, Billy,
my trying to protect Harry any further.
I may as well tell the whole truth.
Captain, it- It grieves me to confess this,
but in point of fact, my husband has an illness of the mind.
The medical word for it is paranoia.
On occasion, he displays homicidal tendencies.
The psychiatrists say it's because he-
He believes people are plotting against him,
and so he strikes back
and tries to kill them.
Gwendolen, for heaven's sake, woman.
What's the meaning of this treachery?
Believe it or not, Harry, I'm doing it for your own good.
He knows. He saved my life.
He'll tell the truth.
I wouldn't contradict the lady.
You wreck my ship!
You try to kill the passengers.
Caruso! But I'm the only sane person
on this ship!
That's why you're all against me.
Let me go! I'll kill the lot of you.
I warn you, captain!
Poor Harry, it's awfully sad.
We've tried everything to cure him.
How dare you lay hands on me!
You hooligans!
I'll have you put in irons.
You'll be the ones in irons.
Good, good.
We'll have no more trouble from you.
Scum! Mongrels!
I'll bring you to book, every one of you.
Every man jack of you!
After all, it was the only solution.
Harry's safely locked in his cabin,
where those beastly men can't do him any harm.
On the other hand, he can't say or do anything now
to interfere with your making that fortune in Africa.
I- I mean, the authorities would hardly listen
to the ravings of a lunatic, would they?
Well, they won't even let him off the boat.
Well, in that case,
he'll just have to stay shut up for a few weeks.
A bit hard on the old boy, don't you think?
Yes, but after you've amassed
all those African millions, we'll make it up to him.
We'll buy him a country place in Gloucestershire with-
With some rough shooting and- And a trout stream,
like he's always wanted.
Maria will marry him, perhaps.
She seems to have a very real feeling
for English country life.
And everybody lives happily ever after.
Especially us, Billy.
Boat stations, everyone.
Prepare to abandon ship.
What's going on?
I believe, sir, that we are sinking.
Boat stations, everybody.
We're sinking.
Harry, Harry. Open the door.
You must. The ship's sinking.
Here, get back.
We simply can't leave without finding out
what's happened to Harry.
Maybe we'll run across him out there.
He's a strong swimmer, isn't he?
Do you really think we-?
I don't say we will. But it's possible.
Anything's possible.
Harry!
Where do you suppose we are?
Africa.
What part of Africa?
Yes, that's important. What part?
Not a bad place to land.
No customs. No forms to fill out.
Tell us at once where we are. It's important I know.
You mean to say there are parts of the dark continent
where you won't be received like the prodigal son?
Arlio.
What's that?
Arlio.
Better get down, everybody.
Mamma mia, Arabs. Oh, mamma mia.
Get rid of your passports, boys.
Mrs. Chelm, Billy-Boy,
my identity must remain a secret.
Arlio, what's that?
It was the company who sold arms to the Arab Legions.
Wait a minute. That rings a bell.
Some of the equipment we sold them was defective.
Been too long under the water in the Gulf of Leyte.
The Arabs claim they lost the war
because of rusty guns and dud ammunition.
For heaven's sake, be quiet.
If you go on like that, I'll be-
I'll see you drawn and quartered.
Are you going to allow them to bully you in this way?
Why, i-it's simply-
Shocking.
Harry wouldn't have let them do it.
He had a sense of dignity.
I have a sense of survival.
Billy, what is going to happen?
Do you think they will torture us?
Just let them try it. I'm a British subject.
I wouldn't say it too loud.
We shipwreck.
Big boat go down bottom ocean.
We take little boat.
Row all day.
Row all night.
Savvy?
There's only one way to deal with these swine.
Walk up and kick them in the belly.
Show 'em who's boss right away.
We sight land.
Your land.
Praise Allah.
Come ashore.
Suddenly, boom, boom, boom.
No good way treat shipwrecked people.
You will please to hand over your passports.
There seem to be four missing.
Will those who have not handed over their passports
hold up their hands?
All left on board ship, Your Excellency.
A terrifying experience.
An incompetent crew.
A burning ship.
Put overboard in a small boat at dead of night.
What was the name of the vessel?
The S.S. Nyanga.
She's a Portuguese ship.
I will investigate whether such a ship
has been reported lost at sea.
Well, does it stand to reason, Your Excellency,
we should come to this shore in a small boat
if we'd not been shipwrecked?
Our country is in a state of unrest.
Oh, I am sorry.
Agents of certain foreign governments
sometimes try to enter it by stealth-
Tsk-tsk.
- hoping to fan the flames of revolution.
Therefore, we check carefully on the activities of strangers.
But surely, Your Excellency, in our case,
one look is sufficient to convince you of our innocence.
No.
One look is not enough.
If you think we're the enemies of your country,
the logical thing is to boot us out.
Send us packing by the first available boat or train.
We shan't object.
We've got important business elsewhere.
Where is elsewhere?
Central Africa.
And what sort of business?
Vacuum cleaners. Sewing machines.
Ah, yes.
Businessmen.
All going to Central Africa to sell vacuum cleaners.
Yes.
Hut to hut, I suppose.
And you, sir, I take it,
are the head salesman.
The ringleader of this group.
Oh, no. No group.
We met for the first time onboard ship.
Complete strangers to one another.
Liar!
The others all look at you each time I ask a question.
I am a keen observer.
You four are together.
Oh, no, my fat-gutted friend.
I am not the illiterate, simple-minded native
you are fool enough to take me for.
I am a great man. A serious man.
I spit on you. Phew.
I spit on you and all your lies.
Off to the wrong start, Peterson.
There's only one way to deal with these swine.
Swine, swine, swine!
You'd better be careful.
My husband, my late husband, who was drowned
in the Nyanga disaster,
happened to be one of the most important figures
in the British government.
Sir Harry Chelm.
In point of fact, we had letters
from the prime minister and the queen
telling everybody
to be particularly courteous to us and our friends.
So you see, if any harm befalls us at your hands,
it will become a major international incident.
Would you instruct that one, that in my country,
a female's lips may move, but her words are not heard.
Oh, Harry, Harry...
if only you were here.
And now, sir, you will stop abusing my intelligence
and tell me who you really are
and what is your actual purpose in being here.
I'm a sick man. I've got a bad heart.
I mustn't talk any more.
You refuse to answer.
That is interesting.
It makes of it a contest.
A contest in a game at which we excel.
We of this country have had 4000 years' experience
in asking questions and getting answers.
Who are you?
Why are you here?
Don't hit me again.
My heart, I'll have an attack.
Of course, Billy's lead a thoroughly decadent life.
I must say, I thought he had more backbone than that.
Backbone, hm, either you have it or you haven't.
Did you see the beating I took
at the hands of that great ugly brute without even flinching?
Billy was crazed with fear before they'd even
laid a finger on him.
Tell me more about Rita Hayworth.
You really know her very well?
Do I know Rita?
Do I know her.
I'll give you a letter of introduction.
She'll fall an immediate victim to your charms.
You really think so?
Oh, but certainly.
A man like you:
suave, intelligent, darkly handsome.
You have everything, Ahmed, except money.
And if you listen to me, a boat will be placed at our disposal.
A very slow boat.
So that fat gut's check will have plenty of time to clear.
And you will trust me for your share?
Does one man of the world ask another
to trust his own brother?
Oh, no, Ahmed.
You'll give me a check for half.
Your demands are very great under the circumstances.
Well, why shouldn't they be?
Fat gut's my best friend.
I will not betray him cheaply.
You are certain that you are the friend of the peerless Rita?
Come, come, Ahmed,
mind back to business.
Very well.
Fifty-fifty. Oh, uh,
by the way, fat gut's nature isn't noble like ours.
He might try to bargain.
I do not bargain with a puffball like that.
It's beneath my dignity.
It'll be dawn soon.
The correct hour
for a firing squad.
But if we have him shot, what about the money?
Well, I was just thinking
that if he heard a volley at the psychological moment,
he might not be so inclined to haggle.
I believe you must have Arab blood.
Westerners are not usually so subtle.
Where are you taking me?
I won't go. I demand to see a doctor.
Would you say that in Paris, among smart people...
the Rolls-Royce or the Cadillac is considered more chic?
Well, that's no problem.
No problem at all.
A man in your position
should have both.
Ah...
Mr. Dannreuther, I believe, would like a word with you.
Billy.
Sit down, Peterson.
Uh...
I've been talking to Ahmed here and, uh...
It's blackmail.
I can't pay.
What was that?
Firing squad.
It's execution day.
Will he take a check?
Billy.
Billy, look.
The Nyanga.
Stay away!
Stay away from my ship!
If you try to come aboard, I will shoot you!
Get my gun! Get my gun!
Give it to him. Maybe he'll shoot himself.
My gun, my gun!
Excuse me, are you Mr. William Dannreuther?
That's right.
I'd like to ask you a few questions.
I'm sorry, not now.
Forgive me, but it's rather important.
Yes, it always is.
I was a newspaper man myself once.
Very well, you may quote me as saying
that everybody was heroic except Mrs. Dannreuther,
who ate all our boots.
Very amusing, but, uh, I'm not a reporter.
Oh?
Jack, go to the phone. Make reservations.
The first plane to Nairobi. Six seats.
Yes, and if they don't have any, talk to the right man
and tell him if he kicks other people off the plane,
we'll make it worth his while.
I always said we ought to take a plane.
You remember I said that, Mr. O'Horror.
-I said we ought to take a plane. - Mustn't dawdle, Billy-Boy.
Great deal to do and not much time.
Those the other members of your party?
- Yes. - I'd like to talk to them too.
Well, what's it all about?
I believe you were acquainted
with a Mr. Vanmeer, now deceased.
Peterson.
You and the boys better come back down.
There's a gentleman here wants to speak to you.
A Mr. Jack Clayton of Scotland Yard.
You take your wine here or upstairs, Mr. Dann?
Oh, we'll have it here.
Care to join us in a drink, Clayton?
No, thanks. It's a bit early in the day for me.
I read somewhere that a Scotland Yard man
never accepts a drink from anyone he intends to arrest.
Is that true, Mr. Clayton?
- Quite so. - Mrs. Dannreuther?
No. I'm Mrs. Chelm.
This is Mrs. Dannreuther.
Well, how do you do?
Well, I wouldn't dream of alarming you lovely ladies,
so perhaps I'll have a glass of bubbly after all.
Peterson.
How do you do, sir?
How do you do?
Ravello. Heh. And, uh, Mr. O'Horror.
O'Hara. Julius O'Hara.
Delighted.
I'm the one to be delighted.
It had begun to look as though
I'd never catch up with you people
and that would have been a bit embarrassing.
You see, this is the first time
I've ever been abroad on an investigation.
I've spent quite a lot of money,
and my chief can be very sarcastic
about the money one spends,
particularly if you fail to deliver the goods.
Mr. Clayton is presently interested
in the Vanmeer murder case.
The Vanmeer murder case.
Oh, yes, yes, that fellow in the Colonial Office.
Yes, I read about that in the paper.
It was a shocking affair.
According to Mr. Vanmeer's appointment book,
Mr. Peterson, you had lunch with him at the Savoy
a few days before his death.
That's quite correct.
Mr. Vanmeer was expert on African matters.
We wanted his advice about affairs
in British East.
Recall the subject under discussion?
Vaguely.
Uh, crop yield.
The native labor situation.
Inches of rain.
Vaccination shots. Heh.
How long had you known Mr. Vanmeer?
Oh, a couple of months. We met half a dozen times.
Did he ever make mention of any enemies, business or otherwise?
Did he say anything about romantic attachments?
I mean, did he name any women?
No.
I should have been very surprised if he had done.
Mr. Vanmeer struck me as being every inch a gentleman.
Oh, of course, of course.
Well, uh, that's all,
unless somebody has anything further to add?
I have.
I think you ought to know
that the business of one of these businessmen is murder.
I beg your pardon?
Major Ross, I mean.
I can't guarantee Major Ross murdered this Vanmeer person.
I assure you, however,
he attempted to murder my husband
with a long, thin dagger, which he always carried about
in what looked like an innocent swagger stick.
Go on, Mrs. Chelm.
You see, Major Ross is employed by Mr. Peterson there
to do his dirty work.
One might say he's a professional killer.
My husband found out certain things about Mr. Peterson.
Things, in point of fact, that are a matter of empire,
involving as they do, a plot to exploit
our kingdom's uranium resources.
And that's why Mr. Peterson decided
to have him done away with.
Don't run away, Mr. Peterson.
That's always tantamount to a confession of guilt.
"Can't amount" is what I call it.
More champagne, Clayton?
No, thank you.
As I said before, very smart fellows indeed.
Should you ever think of me in Earls Court,
that's where I'll be,
helping Harry's parents with the lodgers.
Should you ever think of me,
try not to let it be too harshly.
You kiss her too, Billy.
And tell her she's forgiven.
Sure, sure.
Goodbye, Billy.
Bye.
For Mrs. Chelm.
Just came over ship's wire.
Oh, by the way, Mr. Dannreuther,
do you know that your associates are all in hoosegow?
Oh, not that I'm a bit surprised.
I put them down as thoroughly bad characters.
Right off the bat.
But then there are so many bad characters nowadays.
Take mine, for instance.
Harry!
He's alive!
Oh...
Oh, this is the end.