All aboard!
Let him go, Orville.
We made it plain we don't want no more traveling salesmen in Brighton.
Credit is no good for a notions salesman.
How far you going, friend?
Wherever the people are as green as the money...
...friend.
-What's the matter with credit? -lt's old-fashioned.
You're an anvil salesman. Your firm give credit?
-No, sir! -Nor anybody else!
River City next station stop. River City, lowa!
[TRAIN SQUEAKING THEN BANGING]
[SINGlNG] Cash for the merchandise
Cash for the buttonhooks
Cash for the cotton goods Cash for the hard goods
Cash for the fancy goods Cash for the soft goods
Cash for the noggins and the piggins And the firkins
Cash for the hogshead Cask and demijohn
Cash for the crackers And the pickles and the flypaper
Look, whaddya talk? Whaddya talk, whaddya talk?
Where you get it?
You can talk, you can talk You can bicker, you can talk
You can bicker, bicker, bicker You can talk, you can talk
You can talk, talk, talk, talk Bicker, bicker, bicker
You can talk all you want to But it's different than it was
No it ain't, no it ain't But you got to know the territory
It's the Model T Ford made the trouble Made the people want to go
Want to git, want to git Want to git up and go
7, 8, 9, 1 0, 1 2, 1 4, 22
23 miles to the county seat
Yes, sir! Yes, sir!
Who's gonna patronize a little bitty 2 by 4 kind of store anymore?
-Whaddya talk? Whaddya talk? -Gone, gone
Gone with the hogshead cask And demijohn
Gone with the sugar barrel Pickle barrel, milk pan
Gone with the tub And the pail and the tierce
Ever meet a fellow By the name of Hill?
Hill?
-Hill! ALL: No!
MAN: Just a minute Just a minute, just a minute
Never heard of any salesman Hill
-He doesn't know the territory -Doesn't know the territory?
-What's the fella's line? -Never worries about his line
Or a doggone thing
He's just a bang-beat, bell-ringing Big haul, great go-neck-or-nothing
Rip-roaring Every-time-a-bull's-eye salesman
That's Professor Harold Hill Harold Hill
What's the fella's line? What's his line?
He's a fake And he doesn't know the territory
Look, whaddya talk, whaddya talk? Whaddya talk, whaddya talk?
He's a music man
-He's a what? -He's a music man
And he sells clarinets To the kids in the town
With the big trombones And the rat-a-tat drums
Big brass bass Big brass bass
And the piccolo, the piccolo With uniforms too
With a shiny gold braid on the coat And a big red stripe running
Well, l don't know much about bands
But I do know you can't make a living Selling big trombones
No, sir!
Mandolin picks, perhaps And here and there a jew's-harp
No, the fella sells bands Boys' bands
I don't know how he does it But he lives like a king
And he dallies and he gathers And he plucks and he shines
And when the man dances Certainly, boys
What else? The piper pays him
Yes, sir!
When the man dances Certainly, boys
What else? The piper pays him
ALL: Yes, sir!
But he doesn't know the territory!
[TRAIN SQUEAKING THEN BANGING]
CONDUCTOR: River City!
Station stop, River City.
Just crossed the state line into Iowa.
Population River City: 2212.
Cigarettes illegal in this state.
If you're all through I'll tell you about this Harold Hill.
Say, you know Hill?
Never saw him in my life. But l just been run out of town because of Hill.
He's giving every one of us a black eye.
You go into town to call on the trade...
...and they're waiting for you with tar and feathers...
...to ride you out the city limits on a rail!
How you account for that?
It's this Hill! He goes around selling band instruments and uniforms...
...and instruction books by guaranteeing to teach the kids to play.
-Stands to reason. -And organize them kids into a band...
...with himself as the leader.
What's wrong with that?
He don't know one note...
-...from another! -Heh-heh.
That's what's wrong!
He don't know a bass drum from a pipe organ.
He's a bare-faced, double-shuffle, two-bit thimblerigger!
And l'll catch up with him one of these days.
When I do l'll have the law on him quick!
Territory's tough enough without him fouling up the nest.
I'd like to be around when you catch up with him.
I'm not apt to catch up with him in lowa. Not on your kidney plaster!
He's too smart to pull that flimflam out here.
Not on these neck-bowed Hawkeyes.
[MAN LAUGHS]
Gentlemen, you intrigue me. I think I'll have to give Iowa a try.
-l didn't catch your name. -l didn't drop it.
Sir--?
[DOG BARKlNG]
Fine-looking animal.
For a horse, yeah.
Good morning. Could you kindly direct me to the center of town?
Runs right down the middle of the street.
[COW MOOS]
Friend, where would l find a good hotel?
Try the Palmer House in Chicago.
I'm a stranger in town. What do you folks do for excitement?
Mind our business.
[SINGS] You are in Io-way
At least now l know how to pronounce it.
I thought you preferred lo-wuh.
We do.
But he just said lo-way.
We say it now and then. But we don't like anybody else to.
BOTH: We are from lo-way
I know.
Well, you folks certainly do know how to make a body feel at home.
Oh, there's nothing halfway
About the Iowa way to treat you When we treat you
Which we may not do at all
There's an Iowa kind of special Chip-on-the-shoulder attitude
-We've never been without -That we recall
ALL: We can be cold as The falling thermometer in December
If you ask about our weather in July
And we're so by-God stubborn We can stand touching noses
For a week at a time And never see eye to eye
ALL: But what the heck You're welcome
Join us at the picnic
-You can eat your fill -Of all the food you bring yourself
ALL: You really ought to give Iowa a try
Provided you were contrary
Good morning, Mayor Shinn.
ALL: Good morning, Mayor Shinn.
It is if you want to go around in your drawers all day.
ALL: We can be cold as A falling thermometer in December
If you ask about our weather in July
And we're so by-God stubborn We can stand touching noses
For a week at a time And never see eye to eye
But we'll give you our shirt
And the back to go with it
If your crop should happen to die
So what the heck You're welcome
Glad to have you with us
BOTH: Even though we may not Ever mention it again
ALL: You really ought to give Iowa
Hawkeye lowa
Dubuque, Des Moines, Davenport Marshalltown, Mason City
Keokuk, Ames, Clear Lake
Ought to give Iowa a try
Mr. Squires. Yes.
I'm interested in a rig for Sunday.
Then you ought to see the man in charge of hiring rigs.
Rigs?
MAN: Riggs? Ain't nobody here by that name.
Marcellus!
Marcellus Washburn!
Gregory!
[LAUGHS]
Of all the people to run into in lowa! Gregory!
Shh. Hill's the name this trip. Professor Harold Hill.
Why didn't you tell me you were coming?
I didn't know l was, myself.
I never thought l'd find a slicker like you here in the sarsaparilla belt.
This is where I work.
-You mean you live in this town? -Yeah. I like it too.
It's not Brooklyn, New York. Not the city of homes and churches but--
Brooklyn? Marce, this isn't even Dubuque.
Hey. Are you hiding out or what?
Just not as light on my feet as I used to be when l was shilling for you.
You're in a business that got a lot of close shaves.
I got a nice job now. I got a nice girl.
Ethel Toffelmier. That's the boss's niece.
So you've gone legitimate, huh?
I knew you'd come to no good.
What are you selling now? I heard you were in steam automobiles.
-l was. -What happened?
-Somebody actually invented one. -No!
So now l'm back at the old stand.
Not boys' bands?
They got no call for boys' bands in this town.
Anything Iowa folk don't have they do without.
They got music?
They got a gramophone down to the barber shop.
And a stuck-up librarian gives piano.
-Gives piano? -A maiden lady.
She'll expose you before you unpack this bag.
Maiden lady librarians who give piano are a specialty of mine.
Just point her out the minute you see her.
Yeah. l'll back her into a corner and breathe on her glasses.
[CHUCKLES]
Thar she blows!
I'll do it but I won't like it.
[CHUCKLES]
That's not the librarian. That's Mrs. Shinn, the mayor's wife.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Good afternoon, Mrs. Shinn.
Don't change the subject.
Something the matter?
The same thing is the matter as is always the matter here. Look!
Is this the sort of book you give my daughter?
This Ruby Hat of Omar Kay-ay-ay-- I am appalled!
I did recommend it.
It's beautiful Persian poetry.
It's dirty Persian poetry.
People lying out in the woods eating sandwiches.
Getting drunk with pitfall and with gin.
Drinking directly out ofjugs with innocent young girls.
-No daughter of mine-- -Mrs. Shinn.
The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam is a classic.
It's a smutty book, like most of the others you keep here, I daresay.
Honestly, Mrs. Shinn.
Wouldn't you rather have your daughter read a classic than Elinor Glyn?
What Elinor Glyn reads is her mother's problem.
Just you keep your dirty books away from my daughter.
You sure picked yourself a town.
Let me take you over to the hotel.
Not sure l'm going to stay yet.
First l got to find a way to get into some of these lowa boodlebags.
Greg, it ain't easy.
All I need is an opening.
You remember the pitch. What can I use? What's new around here?
The other day a farmer brought in an egg had 3 yolks in it.
Was in the paper.
That's exciting, all right. No, what do you talk about?
There's the weather, of course.
When it's in season.
Now, Marce, I need some ideas...
...if I'm going to get your town out of the serious trouble it's in.
River City ain't in any trouble.
We'll have to create some.
Must create a desperate need in your town for a boys' band.
Why is everyone rubbering into the billiard parlor?
MARCELLUS: They just got in a new pool table.
HAROLD: They must have seen one before.
No. Just billiards.
That'll do it!
Just sit where you are. And remember...
...if you see that music teacher....
Are you Mr. Dunlop?
Either you're closing your eyes to a situation you don't wish to acknowledge...
...or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster...
...indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community.
[SINGING] Well, you got trouble, my friend Right here, I say
Trouble right here in River City Why, sure, I'm a billiard player
Certainly mighty proud to say I'm always proud to say it
I consider that the hours l spend With a cue in my hand are golden
Help you cultivate horse sense And a cool head and a keen eye
You ever take and try to give An ironclad leave to yourself
From a three-rail billiard shot?
But just as I say It takes judgment, brains and maturity
To score in a balk-line game I say that any boob
Can take and shove a ball in a pocket And l call that sloth
The first big step on the road To the depths of degrada-- l say first
Medicinal wine from a teaspoon Then beer from a bottle
The next thing you know your son is Playing for money in a pinch-back suit
And listening to some big Out-o'-town jasper
Hearing him tell about Horserace gambling
Not a wholesome trotting race, no
But a race where they set down Right on the horse!
Like to see some stuck-up jockey boy Setting on Dan Patch?
Make your blood boil? Well, I should say!
Now, friends Let me tell you what I mean
You got 1 , 2, 3, 4
5, 6 pockets in a table
Pockets that mark the difference Between a gentleman and a bum
With a capital B and that Rhymes with P and that stands for pool
And all week long your River City Youth'll be frittering away
I say your young men'll be frittering
Frittering away their noontime Suppertime, chore time too
Get the ball in the pocket Never mind getting dandelions pulled
Or the screen door patched Or the beefsteak pounded
Never mind pumping any water Till your parents are caught
With the cistern empty on a Saturday night And that's trouble
Yes, you got lots and lots of trouble
I'm thinking of the kids in the Knickerbockers, shirttail young ones
Peeking in the pool hall window After school
You got trouble, folks Right here in River City
Trouble with a capital T and that Rhymes with P and that stands for pool
Now l know all you folks Are the right kind of parents
I'm going to be perfectly frank
Would you like to know what kind of Conversation goes on
While they're loafing around that hall?
They'll be trying out Bevo Trying out Cubebs
Trying out Tail or Mades Like cigarette fiends
And bragging all about
How they're going to cover up A telltale breath with Sen-Sen
One fine night they leave the pool hall Headin' for the dance at the Armory
Libertine men and scarlet women And ragtime
Shameless music That'll grab your son
Your daughter, with the arms of A jungle animal instinct mass-teria
Friends, the idle brain Is the devil's playground, trouble!
CROWD: We got trouble -Right here in River City
With a capital T and that rhymes with P And that stands for pool
We've surely got trouble
Right here in River City
Got to figure out a way to keep The young ones moral after school
Our children's children Gonna have trouble
Mothers of River City, heed that warning before it's too late.
Watch for the telltale signs of corruption.
The minute your son leaves the house...
...does he rebuckle his knickerbockers below the knee?
Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger?
A dime novel hidden in the corn crib?
Is he starting to memorize jokes from Captain Billy's Whiz Bang?
Are certain words creeping into his conversation?
Words like....
Like "swell."
And "So's your old man."
If so, my friends....
You got trouble
Right here in River City
With a capital T and that rhymes with P And that stands for pool
We surely got trouble
Right here in River City
Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock And the Golden Rule
Our children's children Gonna have trouble
Oh-ho, we got trouble We're in terrible, terrible trouble
That game with the 1 5 numbered balls Is the devil's tool
Oh, yes, we got Trouble, trouble, trouble
-With a T -With a capital T
Got to rhyme it with P
And that stands for pool
Remember, my friends, listen to me Because I pass this way but once!
-Did you drop your--? -No.
-Didn't I meet you in--? -No.
I'll only be in town a short while.
Good!
[PIANO PLAYlNG]
[PLAYS OFF-KEY]
Hello, Mama.
Keep on, Amaryllis. I'll be there in a minute.
[PLAYS OFF-KEY]
That's fine, dear. Now on with your exercises.
Library open later than usual tonight, dear?
It always is, Mama.
Mama, a man with a suitcase followed me home.
Oh? Who?
I never saw him before.
Did he say anything?
He tried.
Did you say anything?
Of course not, Mama.
Now don't dawdle, Amaryllis.
[SINGlNG] So, do
La, re, ti, me
A little slower And please keep the fingers curved
As nice and high as you possibly can
Don't get faster, dear.
It wouldn't have hurt you...
...to have found out what the gentleman wanted.
I know what the gentleman wanted.
What, dear?
You'll find it in Balzac.
Excuse me for living, but I never read it.
Neither has anyone else in this town
There you go again With the same old comment
About the low mentality Of River City people
And taking it all too much to heart
Now, Mama, as long as the....
Madison Public Library Was entrusted to me
For the purpose of improving River City's cultural level
I can't help my concern that The ladies of River City
Keep ignoring All my counsel and advice
But, darling!
When a woman has a husband And you've got none
Why should she take advice from you
Even if you can quote Balzac and Shakespeare
And all them other Highfalutin Greeks?
If you don't mind my saying so You have a bad habit
Of changing every subject
No, I haven't changed the subject I was talking about that stranger
-What stranger? -With the suitcase
Who may be your very last chance
Do you think that I'd allow A common masher? Now really, Mama!
I have my standards Where men are concerned
And l have no intention--
I know all about your standards And if you don't mind my saying so
There's not a man alive Who could hope to measure up
To that blend of Paul Bunyan, Saint Pat and Noah Webster
You've concocted for yourself Out of your lrish imagination
Your lowa stubbornness And your library full of books
[BANGS KEYS]
Well, if that isn't the best l ever heard!
Thank you.
Can l have a drink, please?
-May I--? -May I have a drink, please?
Yes, you may.
[PIANO PLAYlNG]
[DOOR CREAKS]
Hello, Winthrop.
Winthrop, it's after dark, dear!
I'm having a party on Saturday. Will you please come?
It's going to be a very nice party. And l'd especially like it if you'd--
Amaryllis asked you to her party. Are you going or aren't you?
-No. -No, what?
No, thank you.
You know the little girl's name.
I'll bet he won't say it.
"No, thank you," who, Winthrop?
[SPEAKING WITH A LlSP] No, thank you, Amaryllith!
"Amaryllith"!
[AMARYLLlS LAUGHS] [WlNTHROP SOBS]
He's crying!
[WlNTHROP SOBS]
Hello, Winthrop.
Winthrop, you didn't even say hello to your sister.
He hates to say Amaryllis because of the lisp.
He's ashamed.
We know all about his lisp, Amaryllis.
Why should he get so mad at people? Just because he lisps?
-That's just part of it. -What's the rest of it?
Never mind, dear. It's just that he never talks very much.
Not even to you and your mother?
No, but we have to be very patient and understanding.
I'm patient.
I even say good night to him on the evening star.
Every night.
Good night, my Winthrop.
Good night.
Sleep tight.
[SOBS]
And he never says anything to me.
Oh, darling, don't cry.
You'll have lots of time for sweethearts.
If not Winthrop, there'll be someone else.
Never! I'll end up an old maid like you.
I'm sorry, Miss Marian.
Can l play my cross-hand piece?
-May I--? -May I play my cross-hand piece?
Yes, you may.
If a girl doesn't have a sweetheart...
...who's she going to say good night to on the evening star?
For the time being, you can just say:
"Good night...
...my someone."
You can put the name in when the right someone comes along.
All right. lt's better than nothing.
Yes, it is.
Now you can play your cross-hand piece.
[PLAYING "GOOD NlGHT MY SOMEONE"]
Good night, my someone
Good night, my love
Sleep tight, my someone
Sleep tight, my love
Our star is shining
Its brightest light
For good night, my love
For good night
Sweet dreams be yours, dear
lf dreams there be
Sweet dreams
To carry you
Close to me
I wish they may
And I wish they might
Now good night, my someone
Good night
True love can be whispered
From heart to heart
When lovers are parted, they say
But I must depend
On a wish and a star
As long as my heart
Doesn't know who you are
Sweet dreams be yours, dear
lf dreams there be
Sweet dreams
To carry you close to me
BOTH: I wish they may
And I wish they might
Now good night, my someone
Good night
CHORUS [SINGlNG]: O Columbia The gem of the ocean
The home of the brave and the free
The shrine of each patriot's devotion
A world offers homage to thee
Thy mandates make heroes assemble
When liberty's form stands in view
Thy banners make tyranny tremble
When borne by the red, white and blue
Thy banners make tyranny tremble
When borne by the red, white and blue
[SINGS OFF-KEY]
[APPLAUSE]
I'm sure we're all grateful to my wife...
...Eulalie Mackecknie Shinn, for leading the singing.
[APPLAUSE]
And to Ethel Toffelmier...
...our fine player piano player...
...piano.
[APPLAUSE]
As mayor of River City...
...l welcome you River Citi-zeeans...
...to the Fourth of July exercises set up indoors here in Madison Gymnasium...
...account the weather being so chancy.
[CROWD MURMURlNG]
Fourscore--
[LOUD WHlRRING]
[WHlRRING STOPS]
Fourscore--
Ah.
The members of the school board will now present a patriotic tableau.
[CHATTERlNG]
Oh. Oh. The members of the school board will not present a patriotic tableau.
CROWD: Oh.
Some disagreement about costumes, I suppose.
Instead the Wa Tan Ye girls...
...of the local wigwam of Hiawatha...
...will present a spectacle. My wife.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
In which my wife, Eulalie Mackecknie Shinn, will take a leading part.
[APPLAUSE]
[PIANO PLAYlNG]
[CROWD CHATTERlNG]
EULALIE: I will now count to 20 in the Indian tongue.
[EULALIE CHANTlNG]
[GROUP CHANTlNG]
[CHANTING]
[EXPLOSlON]
Ah! l'm shot! Ho-ho!
[EULALIE YELLlNG]
[CROWD CHATTERlNG]
Who set off that firecracker?
Tommy Djilas did it. Tommy did it!
Yes, Tommy Djilas.
Tommy Djilas, l wouldn't leave if l were you.
Mrs. Shinn...
[CHATTERlNG STOPS ABRUPTLY]
...will recover.
[CHATTERlNG RESUMES]
No thanks to a certain young ruffian who is a disgrace to our city.
Fourscore...
...and seven years ago our--
The Paine's Fireworks Spectacle, "Last Days of Pomp-ee-eye"...
...will take place at 9:30, providing it isn't raining.
It'll be over at the Madison Picnic Park in the far meadow.
-Across the creek from the pest house. -What's all this talk about rain?
The Gazette predicted fair!
That's why we prepared for a storm.
My paper's accurate most of the time, Jacey.
I wouldn't last long in the banking business...
...being accurate most of the time.
[ARGUING]
Will members of the school board stop bickering in public?
Never mind!
Fourscore--
-We heard there's a pool table in town! -That's what I heard.
SHlNN: Just a minute! -ls it a pool table or isn't it?
Allow me to get on with the exercises.
We don't want any more exercises until we get this pool table matter settled.
[CROWD CLAMORING]
Let's protect our children!
We've got to protect our children!
Resist sin and corruption!
[CHATTERlNG CONTlNUES]
Let's smite that devil and keep our young boys pure!
Pure boys!
Folks, listen.
May I have your attention, please?
Attention, please.
[SINGlNG] l can deal with the trouble, friends
With a wave of my hand, this very hand!
Please observe me if you will l'm Professor Harold Hill
And l'm here to organize The River City Boys Band
[IMITATES DRUM ROLL]
Oh, think, my friends How can any pool table
Ever hope to compete With a gold trombone?
[IMITATES TROMBONE PLAYlNG]
Remember, my friends What a handful of trumpet players
Did to the famous Fabled walls of Jericho
Oh billiard parlor walls Come a-tumbling down
Well, a band'll do it, my friends
Oh, yes, l said a boys' band. Do you hear me?
I said River City got To have a boys' band
And I mean she needs it today
Well, Professor Harold Hill's on hand River City's going to have her boys' band
As sure as the Lord made little green apples.
And that band's going to be in uniform:
Johnny, Willy, Teddy, Fred!
You'll see the glitter of crashing cymbals...
...and hear the thunder of rolling drums and the shimmer of trumpets. Tam-tada!
And you'll feel something akin to the electric thrill I once enjoyed...
...when Gilmore...
...Pat Conway, the great Creatore...
...W.C. Handy...
...and John Philip Sousa...
...all came to town on the very same historic day!
[SINGlNG] 76 trombones led the big parade
With 1 1 0 cornets close at hand
They were followed by rows and rows Of the finest virtuosos
The cream of every famous band
76 trombones caught the morning sun
With 1 1 0 cornets right behind
There were more than a thousand reeds Springing up like weeds
There were horns Of every shape and kind
There were copper-bottom timpani In horse platoons
Thundering, thundering All along the way
Double bell euphoniums And big bassoons
Each bassoon Having his big fat say
There were 50 mounted cannon In the battery
Thundering, thundering Louder than before
Clarinets of every size And trumpeters who'd improvise
A full octave higher than the score
Whoo!
76 trombones hit the counterpoint
While 1 1 0 cornets blazed away
To the rhythm of Hark! Hark! Hark! All the kids began to march
And they're marching still right today
[WOMEN CHUCKLlNG]
There ain't nothing like a brass band to stir a fella up.
When I hear them trombones....
It's them peck horns that really does it.
I bet you Estherville ain't got anything like it.
Or even Des Moines.
I'll stake my River City band against any town west of Chicago.
What band?
Honestly! A bunch of grown men.
Along comes this fly-by-night salesman and you're all taken in.
She's right. The man's a by-God spellbinder!
I haven't seen people so excited since Frank Gotch and Strangler Lewis...
...lay on the mat for three and a half hours without moving a muscle.
Oh, but that was exciting!
Never mind!
Men, this calls for emergency action.
I want that man's credentials.
Grab that hoodlum! He almost blew up Mrs. Shinn.
Great honk! Let me go!
Much obliged. Have to make an example of this one.
Everything the ringleader does the gang does.
You wild kid, you!
Hanging around my oldest girl.
His father is one of them Nithelanians.
-You wild kid, you! -What'd l do?
-Tagging after my oldest girl. -l wasn't either tagging.
Don't contradict me!
We was just walking together. Great honk!
Watch your phraseology. l know what you was doing. Little Gracie seen you.
Stay away from my oldest or you'll hear from me till who-laid-the-rails.
I'll talk to you Monday morning about this band thing. Here in City Hall.
Ten o'clock sharp.
[DOG BARKS]
Now, constable!
I'll be responsible for him.
This kid's tough. Probably got his gang waiting around the corner.
I'll be careful.
Tommy, I want to talk to you about the band.
Gee, professor, that's for the little kids.
No, not about playing in the band.
Aren't you mechanically minded?
Did you ever do anything with...
...perpetual motion?
Yeah. l nearly had it a couple times.
You did? Well, you're my man.
Do you realize no one has ever invented a music holder...
...for a marching piccolo player?
There's no place to hang the music.
Great honk! Where can I get wire?
Look in your cellar. That's where people keep wire.
Oh, Tommy.
Yes, sir?
Constable, I'll show you how to break up a gang.
Young lady!
Miss, what's your name?
Zaneeta.
I didn't have any idea you was beckoning to me. Ye gods!
-Do you know Tommy Djilas? -Well--
Now, Tommy, this is Zaneeta. Escort the young lady home.
Only I'm not going home. I have to go to the library.
Ye gods!
Then escort the young lady home by way of the library, uh-huh...
...by way of the Candy Kitchen.
Yes, sir.
Do I have to?
Oh, you have to.
Yes, sir!
Ye gods!
Professor.
You're a bright young fella, only you made a couple mistakes.
-Oh? -The mayor owns that billiard parlor...
...and that new pool table.
You don't say? What was my other mistake?
That Zaneeta.
She's the mayor's oldest girl.
[WHlSTLES]
[PEOPLE CHATTERlNG]
Good evening, ladies.
[WOMEN GlGGLlNG]
Just a minute, Professor Hill.
Sorry, we're the school board and we need your credentials.
-Academic certificates. -Nothing of the kind!
We need letters and papers.
Make him put up a bond.
What am I hearing?
You, sir.
[PLAYS NOTE]
[SINGS IN A LOW VOlCE] Say "ice cream"
-lce cream. But I don't sing-- -Talk, then.
HAROLD: Down here
Ice cream
Ice cream.
Talk slow
Ice cream
You see? Singing is just....
Sustained talking
Now you, sir.
Ice cream
Now you, sir. Now you, sir!
Ice cream
[CROWD CHEERS]
From now on you won't see one of those men without the other three.
Professor, you're wrong.
Why, they've hated each other for 1 5 years.
MEN: Ice cream
[LAUGHlNG]
Go ahead, Mom. I'll be there in a minute.
[CHATTERlNG]
How can there be
Any sin in sincere?
Where is the good in goodbye?
[SUSTAINlNG NOTE]
Your apprehensions confuse me, dear.
Puzzle and mystify
Tell me
What can be fair
ln farewell, dear?
Why one single star shines above?
[SUSTAINlNG NOTE]
How can there be any sin in
Sincere?
Aren't we sincerely
ln love?
[SUSTAINlNG NOTE]
[FlREWORKS POPPlNG]
-l don't suppose you live alone or anything-- -No.
-l have wonderful caramels at the hotel-- -Mr. Hill.
Oh, please, please!
Professor Hill.
Professor? Of what?
What college gives a degree for accosting women...
...like a rowdy at a public dance hall?
I wouldn't know. I'm a Conservatory man.
Gary, lndiana. Gold Medal class of '05.
Even should that happen to be true, Mr. Hill...
...l am not as easily mesmerized as some people in town.
It's only fair to tell you I'm not impressed by your credentials...
...which I've not seen, nor your manners, which I have!
[WHlSTLlNG]
HAROLD: It's a golden key, as it were.
Your key to the magic world of music.
None of our family's ever been what you'd call musical.
Madam, that you do not know.
Now the main thing is imagination and proper instruction. Ah!
You, young man, repeat after me.
[BLOWS]
[SINGlNG] I love music, Mommy
[SINGS BADLY] I love music, Mommy
Now you, young man.
Me too, Mommy
[SINGS BADLY] Me too, Mommy
Madam, it's amazing!
Two members of the same family with absolutely perfect pitch.
Sign here, madam.
MARCELLUS: You sure cut a swath down at the high school yesterday.
-Yeah. -When you talked about them trombones...
...you looked just like you used to back in Joplin.
HAROLD: Joplin?
Yeah, when you used to imitate that Italian bandleader in the park.
Oh, yeah.
[SINGlNG] Ra ta ta ta ta ta Ram ta ra ta ram
That's kid stuff.
I'm in rare form these days, son.
Just keep your eye on me for the next four weeks.
Four weeks? You used to get the instruments in 1 0 days.
I still do, but it takes four weeks for the uniforms.
Uniforms? You've added uniforms?
Uniforms and instruction books.
Why warm up if you're not going to pitch?
You can't pass yourself off as a music professor. You can't read music.
I have a revolutionary new method, the Think System.
You don't bother with notes.
My boy...
...someday reading music is going to be absolutely obsolete.
I hope it's soon. In four weeks these people will want to hear music.
But when the uniforms arrive they forget everything else.
At least long enough for me to collect and leave.
This is a refined operation, son.
I've got it timed down to the wave of the brakeman's hand...
...on the last train out of town.
[CHICKENS CLUCKlNG]
-Good evening, ladies. -Good evening, ladies.
[WOMEN CHATTERING]
HAROLD: Good evening, ladies. WOMEN: Oh.
Professor Hill...
...we're all agog.
Oh, yes, simply agog!
-On the qui vive. -Everyone's excited about the band.
I'm Ethel Toffelmier, the pianola girl.
And this is Avis Grubb.
-How do you do? -And Mrs. Hicks.
-Hello. -And Mrs. Squires.
And, of course, you've met Eulalie Mackecknie Shinn.
-Our mayor's wife. -Yes, indeed.
Oh, yes.
Isn't it exciting, Eulalie?
I couldn't say.
Oh, no, l could not say.
I could not say at this time.
My husband will wish to investigate, I'm sure.
And naturally I'm reticent.
Oh, yes. I'm reticent.
Yes, of course. I understand, Mrs. Shinn.
But part of my music plans include a committee on the dance.
And l was thinking--
Do that again, Mrs. Shinn.
Do what? What did I do?
Your foot, the way you just raised it.
Oh, well, l have a bunion there that bothers me.
What grace!
Oh, Mr. Hill.
What natural flow of rhythm!
Oh, Mr. Hill.
What expression of line and movement!
[LAUGHlNG]
You must accept chairmanship...
...of the ladies' auxiliary for the classic dance. Mustn't she, ladies?
[WOMEN CHATTERING]
Mrs. Shinn, your every move bespeaks Delsarte.
Will you? Will you?
Say yes, Mrs. Shinn.
Well, l--
That is--
Dancing? Well!
Then you accept?
Indeed! And I'd like to say--
Thank you, Mrs. Shinn.
Oh....
[BOTH LAUGH]
[WOMEN CHATTERING]
Now, the young lady who teaches the piano.
Marian Paroo, l believe.
ALL: Oh!
After all, she is the librarian.
She must've picked him out the first crack out of the box.
Talking up to a man like that.
He wouldn't talk about her if she didn't try turkey-talking to him.
Ought to take her ticket and punch it for her.
Picked her out first crack like a cheap jack.
Not much pick to her.
-Pick a little, talk a lot. -Pick a little, talk a little.
-Cheep, cheep, cheep. -Talk a lot, pick a little more.
[SINGlNG] Pick a little, talk a little
Cheep, cheep, cheep Talk a lot pick, a little more.
ALL: Pick a little, talk a little Pick a little, talk a little
Talk a lot, pick a little more
Her kind of woman doesn't belong on any committee.
Of course, I shouldn't tell you this, but she advocates dirty books.
-Dirty books? -Chaucer.
Rabelais.
Balzac!
The worst thing-- I shouldn't tell you this--
-l'll tell. -The man lived on my street.
-Let me tell. -No, I'll tell.
She made brazen overtures to a man who never had a friend...
...till she came here.
-Old miser Madison. -Miser Madison?
-Miser-- -Madison.
Madison Picnic Park? Madison Gymnasium? Madison Hospital? That miser Madison?
Exactly! Who did he think he was, anyway?
I should say!
The showoff!
He gave the town the library too.
That's just it. When he died he left the library to the city.
But he left all the books to her.
She was seen going and coming from his place.
Oh, yes! That woman made....
Brazen overtures With a gild-edge guarantee
She had a golden glint in her eye
And a silver voice With a counterfeit ring
Just melt her down and you'll reveal A lump of lead as cold as steel here
Where woman's heart should be!
He left River City The library building
But he left all the books to her
Chaucer.
Rabelais.
Balzac!
Just a minute here, professor.
Sorry. We need your credentials.
Certainly, gentlemen. l have just what you want over at my hotel.
Please come with me.
Good night, ladies!
Good night, ladies
We're going to leave you now
Farewell, ladies
We're going
To leave you now
[PEOPLE CHATTERlNG]
[HORSE WHlNNlES]
[WHlSTLlNG]
[HORSE WHlNNlES]
Can l visit the horses?
-"May l"? -May I visit the horses?
It's not visiting hours, but all right.
[WHlSTLlNG]
What a beautiful evening.
Not bad at all for a little place like River City, Iowa.
[WHlSTLlNG]
Come to the boarding house. We got chicken croquettes tonight.
No, I'm not thinking about food.
Going to line yourself up a little canoodling?
No, I got something to look up at the library.
From what l've heard....
Let me fix you up with Myrtle Toffelmier, Ethel's sister.
Real nice girl. Teaches Sunday school.
No wide-eyed, eager, wholesome, innocent Sunday school teacher for me.
That kind of gal spins webs no spider ever-- Listen, boy.
A gal who trades on all that purity
Merely wants to trade My independence for her security
The only affirmative she will file
Refers to marching down the aisle
No golden glorious gleaming Pristine goddess
No, sir
For no Diana do l play faun I can tell you that right now
l snarl, I hiss
How can ignorance be compared to bliss?
I spark, l fizz
For the lady who knows what time it is
I cheer and I rave
For the virtue l'm too late to save
The sadder but wiser girl for me
No bright-eyed blushing breathless Baby-doll baby
No, sir That kind of child ties knots
No sailor ever knew
I prefer to take a chance
On a more adult romance
No dewy young miss who keeps resisting
All the time she keeps insisting
No wide-eyed wholesome innocent female No, sir!
Why, she's the fisherman I'm the fish, you see
[YELLS]
I flinch, I shy
When the lass with The delicate air goes by
I smile, I grin
When the gal with a touch of sin Walks in
I hope and I pray
For a Hester to win just one more "A"
The sadder but wiser girl's The girl for me
The sadder but wiser girl for me
[GlGGLING]
[HORSE WHlNNlES]
It's all right.
I know everything and it makes no difference.
-l don't know what you're talking about. -Mr. Madison.
You were probably very young. Anyone can make a mistake.
What?
No apologies. No explanations.
You see, I'll only be in town a short while...
...and the sadder but wiser girl for me.
Would you please make your selection and leave?
I have.
-What do you want to take out? -The librarian.
CROWD: Shh.
Quiet, please.
The librarian.
You're not listening, Marian.
Look.
[SINGS] Marian
Marbles.
Six steelies, eight aggies, a dozen peewees...
...and one big glassie with an American flag in the middle.
-l think l'll drop them. -No!
Shh.
Madam librarian
Oh, what can l do, my dear
To catch your ear?
I love you madly, madly
Madam Librarian Marian
Heaven help us If the library caught on fire
And the volunteer hose-brigade men Had to whisper the news to
Marian
Madam librarian
Oh, what can l say, my dear
To make it clear?
I need you badly, badly
Madam Librarian Marian
lf I stumbled and l busted My whatchamacallit
I could lie on your floor unnoticed Till my body had turned to
Carrion
Madam librarian
Now in the moonlight
A man could sing it
In the moonlight
And a fellow would know That his darling
Had heard every word of his song
With the moonlight
Helping along
But when I try in here
To tell you, dear
I love you madly, madly
Madam Librarian Marian
It's a long-lost cause
I can never win
For the civilized world accepts
As unforgivable sin
Any talking out loud
With any librarian
Such as Marian
Madam librarian
[ALL LAUGH]
Tommy!
MEN: Shh.
But when I try in here
To tell you, dear
I love you madly, madly
Madam Librarian Marian
It's a long-lost cause I can never win
For the civilized world accepts As unforgivable sin
Any talking out loud With any librarian
Such as
Ladies Dance Committee meets Tuesday night.
Marian
Marshmallow?
Madam librarian
[WHlSTLlNG]
-Hey, professor. -Hello, Tommy.
-l think l got it. -Yeah?
My music holder for a marching piccolo player.
-Oh. -l still haven't worked out...
...a couple of minor flaws.
Even Edison doesn't always get it right the first time.
When you hold it tight enough to keep the music steady...
...you cut off the circulation and you can't wiggle your fingers.
And meanwhile...
...you could go blind.
I'd say it still needs a little work.
Like to check out a few prospects with me?
Hey.
You mean you're going in there?
I don't see any quarantine sign.
Gee, I got to hand it to you, professor.
See you later.
I hope.
[RlNGlNG DOORBELL]
Just a minute here.
Are you soliciting? You haven't got a license.
Why, no, Mr. Mayor.
Mr. Mayor, l collect doorbells.
And this specimen has an unusual tone quality--
Flattery will not avail you.
Soliciting is statutory in this county. Malfeasance without a permit.
Why haven't you been over at City Hall?
-l must have just missed you. -None of your alibis!
-Your hand. Isn't that amazing? -Hmm?
What? What?
That spread of the little finger. It's hereditary.
-lt is? What does that mean? -Mm.
It means your son's little finger...
...is perfectly situated for the spit valve on a flügelhorn.
-ls that good? -Good?
It means America finally has an artist who can...
...flügel the "Minute Waltz" in 50 seconds.
-How can I get one of those horns? -Sign here.
Yes, sir.
Fine, fine!
That'll be 1 7 dollars import fee.
Just think, l could've missed this whole thing.
My son could've--
I haven't got any son!
Oh, George.
I never had a son.
-l never said you did. -What do you know?
I'd certainly know if l gave you a son.
-l'm not talking to you. -Who are you talking to?
-Him. -Who?
Never mind!
Zaneeta, call Dr. Pyne for your father.
HAROLD: Yes, my dear Mrs. Paroo, you must realize...
...that only one out of every 78 adults...
...has a ganglion that reaches the ligature clear down to the apex.
This automatically turns your entire face into an amazing embouchure.
I never had a sick day in my life, doctor.
Ah. Professor.
Professor! What shall l do for it?
No, you don't understand.
I'm trying to tell you, you have the facial characteristics...
...of a cornet virtuoso.
If your boy has that same firm chin...
...and those splendid cheek muscles, oh-ho-ho....
By George!
Not that he'd ever really be great.
Is that so?
And in the name of St. Bridget, why not?
All of the really great cornet players were lrish.
O'Clark, O'Mendez, O'Klein....
But, professor, we are lrish.
No!
No, really? That clinches it.
Sign here, Madam. Your boy was born to play the cornet.
Fine, fine! That'll be 7 dollars earnest money.
Nothing more due until the opening of band practice.
Thank you. And l'll need your boy's measurements for his uniform.
MRS. PAROO: His uniform?
-Oh, yes-- -Ah!
-Winthrop! -Well, hello there, son.
Why, certainly, his uniform.
And there won't be a penny due until delivery.
Which gives him four weeks to enjoy, anticipate, imagine at no cost.
Never allow the demands of tomorrow...
...to interfere with the pleasures and excitements of today.
Would it have a--?
-A.... -A....
A stripe! Why, certainly, my boy!
A wide, red stripe down each side. What do you think of that?
[DOG BARKlNG]
You'll have to excuse Winthrop.
We can't get him to say three words a day.
Not even to us.
If you can get him to play in that band...
...you'll have St. Michael's own way with you.
But if anybody can do it, I bet you can. Heh-heh.
Thank you.
You've a gift of the blarney about you, no mistaking that.
-Where are you from, my boy? -Gary, Indiana.
I knew it!
Where'd you say?
Gary, lndiana. Gary Conservatory was my alma mater.
Was she now?
Yes, indeed. Gold Medal Class of '05.
[SINGlNG] Gary, Indiana
What a wonderful name!
Named for Elbert Gary Ofjudiciary fame
Gary, Indiana
As a Shakespeare would say
Trips along softly On the tongue this way
Gary, Indiana
Let me say it once again
Gary, Indiana
That's the town that knew me when
Now if you'd like to have A logical explanation
How l happened on This elegant syncopation
I will say without A moment of hesitation
There is just one place
That can light my face
Gary, Indiana
Not Louisiana
Paris, France New York or Rome
But Gary, lndiana
Gary, Indiana
My home sweet home
Gary, Indiana
BOTH: Gary, Indiana My home sweet home
-Ah! -Whoa!
Mama!
How do you do, Miss Paroo?
How do you do?
Of course, Paroo! I thought the name sounded familiar.
-l've been trying to see you. -He wants to put Winthrop in the band.
MARIAN: We're not interested.
But Marian dear, the boy might have his father's musical gift.
He does have my ganglion, you know.
Your husband is musical? I'd like to talk to him.
Do you always burst into people's homes prying into personal affairs?
We're not interested.
Marian!
There's one for and one against.
Now, why not let the boy's father decide?
The boy's father is dead.
Anything else?
I am sorry.
But all the more reason he should have this!
My brother is an unhappy child who can't understand why his father was taken away.
Would you care to explain it to him? He's been brooding for two years.
And as for your musical tricks, go into business with a carnival man...
...who sells painted watches and glass diamond rings!
HAROLD: Musical tricks? Now, Miss Paroo!
[DOOR SLAMS]
I have a feeling she likes the idea.
A little cautious, but I admire that in a woman.
I'll be back later in the week.
I do hope you'll excuse Marian. She's not really--
Please, don't you worry about a thing.
I'm sure that at heart, she's as lovely as yourself.
Good day to you, Widow Paroo.
[GROANS]
-Has he gone? -He has. And l hope not forever.
Darling, don't you ever think of your future?
Now, Mama, a girl's future doesn't depend on encouraging...
...every fast-talking, self-centered...
...woman-chasing traveling man who comes to town.
All right, darling. All right.
Only it's a well-known principle that if you keep the flint in one drawer...
...and the steel in the other you'll never strike a fire.
-Mama! -A fine-looking man.
And educated.
Gary, lndiana Conservation class of 'Aught-five.
That he claims his commodity is music does not, in this case, impress me.
Nor does anything else about him.
I give up.
At your age, if you don't mind my asking, what are you waiting for?
Not for Ed Griner, who backs me into the history shelf...
...every time he's in the library.
He does?
Or Ed Gammage who has the buggy with the removable back seat.
If you're waiting for a knight in shining white armor to come riding up the street....
I'm not waiting for that either.
Then what are you waiting for?
Marian Paroo, if you don't mind my asking...
...don't you ever think about being in love?
Being in love?
[SINGlNG] Being in love
Used to be my favorite dream
Oh, yes
I've been in love
More than anybody else has I guess
My first love Heroically ran the streetcar
I tingled at every clang-clang
Next l fell for the principal
But, oh, that teacher who sang
BOTH: "ln the Gloaming"
Knee-deep in love
What a lovely dream And yet somehow
Me deep in love's
Only half of what I'm longing for now
I still love my being In love with someone
But tell me why couldn't there be
Somebody being in love
With me?
All l want is a plain man
All l want is a modest man
A quiet man
A gentle man
A straightforward and honest man
To sit with me
In a cottage somewhere
ln the state of lowa
And l would like him to be
More interested in me
Than he is in himself
And more interested in us
Than in me
And if occasionally he'd ponder
What makes Shakespeare And Beethoven great
Him l could love till I die
Him l could love
Till l die
Being in love
What a lovely dream And yet
Somehow
Being in love's
Only half of what I'm longing for now
And so then Tonight I'll be in there dreaming
And hoping that someday there'll be
Just once!
Somebody being in love
With me
Please, Zaneeta.
I'm supposed to be parallel reading.
Just to the Candy Kitchen.
With Mama and Papa shopping on Center Street?
Ye gods!
Meet me after supper.
I can't. lt's Epworth League tonight.
-Meet you where? -The footbridge.
See? Isn't that what I said?
Last time the lumberyard, now the footbridge.
Where will we meet after that? The black hole of Calcutta? Ye gods!
MARIAN: Shh.
It's indecent to meet boys at the footbridge.
First thing after supper?
All right.
-Ye gods! -Shh.
The Wells Fargo wagon!
The Wells Fargo wagon?
[SINGlNG] Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon
Is a-coming down the street
Oh, please let it be for me
Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon Is a-coming down the street
l wish, I wish l knew what it could be
I got a box of maple sugar On my birthday
In March l got a gray mackinaw
And once l got some grapefruit From Tampa
Montgomery Ward sent me a bathtub And a crosscut saw
-ls that the first thing l said or not? -Yes, George.
Yes, the very first thing l said, or l'll eat hay with the horse.
Get his credentials, l said...
...morning of July 4th...
...1 9 and 12.
Now look! My wife is off dancing at any and all hours...
...instead of in the home.
And the school board is singing instead of tending to city matters.
My oldest girl is boodling around with some wild kid.
And my business's fell off so far I can't find the balance sheet.
I found something interesting in this book about Professor Hill's alma mater.
I know all about it. It's all I can get out of him.
Gary Conservatory, class of '05.
If you take time to read it, you wouldn't have to look any further.
It's on page--
Papa, the Wells Fargo wagon is coming this way.
The Wells Fargo wagon?
It could be the band instruments!
-The band instruments? -But Mayor Shinn!
Later, later.
ALL: Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon Is a-coming now
Is it the prepaid surprise or C.O.D.?
It could be curtains
-Or dishes -Or a double boiler
-Or it could be ALL: Yes, it could be
Yes, you're right It surely could be
-Something special ALL: Something very, very special now
Just for me
ALL: Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon Is a-coming down the street
Oh, don't let him pass my door
Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon Is a-coming down the street
I wish l knew what he was coming for
I got some salmon from Seattle Last September
And l expect a new rocking chair
I hope l get my raisins from Fresno
The D.A.R. have sent a cannon For the courthouse square
Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon Is a-coming now
I don't know how l can ever Wait to see
It could be something For thomeone who is
No relation But it could be
Something special
Just for me
ALL: Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon Is a-coming
Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon Is a-coming
Oh-ho, the Wells Fargo wagon Don't you dare to make a stop
Until you stop
For me
[ALL CHEER]
Here you are, Winthrop.
My cornet!
Gee, thanks, professor.
Isn't this the most scrumptious solid gold thing you ever saw?
I never thought l'd ever see anything...
...so scrumptious as this solid gold thing. Oh, sister!
Remember, men! Stay off the streets...
...pay attention to your instruments, and think about the "Minuet in G."
La di da di da Di da di da
ALL: La di da La di da
That's it!
La di da di da
Round one for you, Mr. Hill.
But l better hear some tooting out of them horns in short order...
...or l'll see you before the grand jury at the county theat!
Yes.
And now, Miss Marian, about that book--
George, come along.
Tempus fugit.
You watch your phraseology!
Go along, if you want. I must get something from the librarian.
About that book....
Dance Committee meets Tuesdays at the school.
They'll be counting on you.
La di da di da Di da
La di da La di da
La ra ra ra Ra ra ra ran
Da di da di Da di da di dan
BOTH: Tam di tam di Tam di tam di tam
Pa ra ram Pa ra ram
La di da di da Di da di dam
Pa di dam Pa di dam
Really, girls!
Hurry along, ladies.
Hurry along!
Tempus fugit.
Let's start...
...with our posture exercises.
[PIANO PLAYlNG]
Lovely, ladies. Lovely!
Now turn.
Take the body with you.
Lovely! Lovely, ladies.
Now for our Grecian urns.
One Grecian urn.
Two Grecian urns!
-Oh. -That's just amazing!
And a fountain.
Trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle.
Splendid, ladies! Splendid!
Our Delsarte display will be...
...the highlight of the ice cream sociable.
Girls!
GIRLS: Oh.
Now once again. Practice makes perfection...
...which is what we want.
HAROLD: Then remember, men:
If you want to play the "Minuet in G"...
...think the "Minuet in G."
A meeting of two minds, yours and Beethoven's.
-All together now. -Professor.
I can't even think out how to hold the horn right.
There's these little spigots on the side...
...but which one's which?
Aha-ha. Experimentation!
Trial and error!
-Could you show me, professor? -Oh.
I'll tell you what the great Giuseppe Creatore...
...said to me once under like circumstances.
"Professor Hill," he said, "that is your instrument.
Hold onto it.
Cherish it.
Don't let anybody else play it. Not even me.
Not even you.
Until you feel you're ready."
-But-- -Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Yes, sir.
All together now.
Over and over.
ALL: La di da di da Di da di da
La di da La di da
Tommy.
La di da di da Di da
Take charge.
Another half-hour at least on the minuet.
[CONTlNUES SINGlNG]
-Strawberry phosphate, please. -Right with you.
[GlGGLES] Ye gods!
Great honk!
If there's anything you don't see there, ask for it.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Oh. Professor Hill, l didn't see you.
May I join you?
Well, really, l--
Where? They were seen! Red-handed! Caught in the act!
-Take your hands off my daughter! -Papa!
Mr. Shinn, Your Honor, your daughter and l are going steady behind your back.
-Why, you--! -We'd rather do it in front of your back.
Do what?
-Well, uh-- -Never mind!
Zaneeta's scared of you but l'm not.
I should think you'd hate to have your daughter scared of you. Great honk!
I'll warn you once more: If you ever touch my daughter...
...l'll horsewhip you till hell won't have it!
Now, George!
Not one poop out of you, Madam.
I think he means "peep."
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah.
[ALL LAUGH]
Now get out of this public emporium!
I got as much right in a public emporium as anybody!
How do you get any right around here?
Aiding and abetting the swindling activities of this cymbal salesman!
You know what l see written all over you? Reform school!
Now get out!
Get out, you wild kid!
Papa, please!
It's Capulets like you make blood in the marketplace. Ye gods!
You watch your phraseology, young woman!
Go home.
Taking up with wild kids from the wrong side of town!
If l could make you understand--
Well, you can't!
And thanks for the buggy ride.
I read that book you gave me from cover to cover...
...and didn't find a thing.
Mr. Mayor, please--
I'll settle your hash...
...as soon as I get these premises off my oldest girl.
-Yes. -But in the meantime...
...l'm vouching for Tommy Djilas.
He has the confidence of every kid in town.
You'll be waiting to shake his hand...
...when our band plays its first concert.
By that time, my fine young feathered...
...my feathered young, my feathered fine--
Never mind!
[ALL LAUGH]
Oliver! Jacey! Ewart! Olin!
I want that man's references and l want them tonight.
He's slipperier than a Mississippi...sturgeon.
I think Mayor Shinn behaved abominably.
And it was wonderful of you, sticking up for Tommy Djilas.
-Oh, that was nothing. -Yes, it was.
A man can't go back on his principles because personal risk is involved.
What does the poet say?
A coward dies 1 000 deaths. A brave man...
...only 500.
-Something like that. -Thank you.
Get his papers or get him in jail!
I couldn't make myself clearer...
...if I was a buttonhook in well water.
I want to talk to you about Winthrop's cornet.
A beautiful instrument. Hammered brass, mother-of-pearl keys.
But he never touches it. He said you told him it wasn't necessary.
You must understand--
Something about a "Think System."
He says if he thinks the "Minuet in G" he can play it.
I admit it's still in the experimental stages.
To a seasoned professional like yourself it may seem ludicrous.
You mustn't say that.
-l mustn't? -No.
Throughout history the true originator is always laughed at.
I hope you don't class me with those small minds who ridiculed--
-Galileo. -Yes, and his conception of the heavens.
Or Fulton.
-Yes. Or Columbus. -And his conception of the egg--
Globe!
The one thing one must remember, no matter who one is...
...or what one is working for...
...one can do anything if one puts one's mind to it.
Miss Marian...
...if one could only tell you how much you've done for one.
I would deem it a great privilege to talk with you again.
Well, all l said--
May one call upon you some evening?
Any night this week.
[WHlSTLlNG]
Good evening, gentlemen.
[WHlSTLlNG]
Sorry, professor, but we got our orders.
We all been deputized.
Yes, yes, yes.
Congratulations. Now let me see.
Every time l try to give you those credentials...
...you always try to change the subject somehow.
It's like a conspiracy. I'll go up in my room and get them.
-Sorry! Afraid l'll have to go with you. -Oh, yes.
Let's see if I have my key.
What's this?
HAROLD: What do you know?
A testimonial from the only female bassoonist...
...on the Redpath Circuit. Madame Rini.
That's her stage name. Actually she's from Moline.
-Lida Rose Quackenbush. -Can l see that?
You never forget the name. Lida Rose.
-Just like in the old song. -None of that now!
[PLAYS NOTE]
[SINGlNG] Lida Rose
I'm home again, Rose
To get the
ALL: Sun back
In the sky
Lida Rose
I'm home again, Rose
About a thousand kisses shy
Ding
Dong
Ding
I can hear the chapel bell chime
Ding
Dong
Ding
At the least suggestion
I'll pop the question
Lida Rose
I'm home again, Rose
Without a sweetheart to my name
Lida Rose
How everyone knows
That I am hoping you're the same
So here is my love song
Not fancy or fine
Lida Rose
Oh, won't you be mine?
Lida Rose, oh, Lida Rose Oh, Lida Rose
Dream of now
Dream of then
Dream of a love song
That might have been
Do I love you?
Oh, yes, l love you
And I'll bravely tell you
But only when you dream again
Sweet and low
How sweet that memory
How long ago?
Forever?
Oh, yes, forever
Will l ever tell you?
No
Lida Rose, oh, Lida Rose, oh
Lida Rose, I'm home again, Rose
To get the sun back in the sky
Lida Rose, I'm home again, Rose
About a thousand kisses shy
Ding
Dong
Ding
I can hear the chapel bell chime
Ding
Dong
Ding
At the least suggestion
I'll pop the question
Lida Rose, I'm home again, Rose
Without a sweetheart to my name
Lida Rose, how everyone knows
That I am hoping you're the same
So here is my love song
Not fancy or fine
Lida Rose, oh, won't you be mine?
Lida Rose, oh, Lida Rose Oh, Lida Rose
[SIGHS]
Will you ever stop arguing with yourself?
Will you ever tell him? Won't you ever tell him? Yes! No!
Fiddlesticks! Open your mouth and let it come out.
-Now, Mama-- -Now, nothing.
If he ever calls again, you see him alone...
...and if you haven't the gumption to tell him how you feel--
MARIAN: Tell him? -Nothing wrong with a ladylike hint.
Ah! What's that thing you got?
It's a genuine Hercules combination pocketknife and tool kit...
...with a solid stag handle and six sturdy steel blades.
Blessed Martin of Tours!
One spear blade, one sheep's foot blade, one small pen blade...
...a swagging awl, a file and a combination tack puller and screwdriver.
Where'd you pick up that horrible weapon?
It was a present.
From Harold.
-Professor Hill? -Uh-huh.
He says if l stick around River City...
...l better learn to whittle and spit.
I got the spitting down pretty good.
Winthrop, what do you and Harold find to talk about?
Sometimes we talk business and sometimes just plain talk.
He talks about his hometown, Gary, lndiana.
He said he'd take me there someday.
Isn't that nice?
He taught me a song about it with hardly any "S"s in it.
[SINGlNG] Gary, Indiana
Let me say it once again
Gary, Indiana
That's the town that knew me when
If you'd like to have A logical explanation
How l happened on this Elegant syncopation
I will say without A moment of hesitation
There is just one place
That can light my face
Gary, Indiana
Not Louisiana
Paris, France New York or Rome
-But-- -Gary, Indiana
Gary, Indiana
My home sweet home
[BOTH LAUGHING]
All right, enough of that. Come along, now.
You still have to change for the sociable.
[CHUCKLES]
Do the Shinns live around here somewhere?
The Shinn home is on East Elm. This is West Elm.
Mm, criminy.
Oh. l see you're the piano teacher here in town.
You must know about this fellow Hill forming a boys' band here.
Don't let that worry you no more. I got the goods on him in spades.
That swindling, two-bit thimblerigger!
That's why I got to see Shinn. I'm just passing through...
...and number 8 only makes a 1 5-minute water stop and--
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
Ooh.
I wish it was 20.
Sure could concentrate five minutes on you, girlie-girl.
Who are you?
Name's Charlie Cowell. Anvil salesman.
[BANGS LOUDLY]
But now l've got heavier things on my mind.
I've got to protect the good name of the traveling fraternity from Hill.
Mr. Cowell, you're making a big mistake.
Mistake, my old lady's corset cover!
He's been the raspberry seed...
...in my wisdom tooth just long enough.
He spoiled Illinois for me. But he won't spoil lowa.
You're a music teacher. You didn't see through him?
-He's no more professor-- -l know all about that.
Bandleaders are always called professor.
It's an academic courtesy. He's a fine director--
Now wait a minute!
Fine director?
Tell me, you heard one note of music from any band?
Well, no, but--
But nothing, girlie-girl. He never formed a band in his life.
And you think he ever will?
Not on your previous existence!
Just listen a minute--
I'd like to.
I'd like to do more than that if l had the time.
Sure got the inclination.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
But l got to leave this dynamite with somebody on the way to the depot.
Bye, girlie-girl. I'll see you next time l come through.
You'll never make that train at the depot. Catch it at the crossing.
I've got to leave word, and I can see you ain't the one to leave it with.
Wait a minute!
Mr. Cowell.
[RECORD PLAYS]
You don't know me very well yet.
[SUlTCASE BANGS LOUDLY]
Is that an invitation, girlie-girl?
No. I mean, I don't know you.
I'd need more time anyway.
What l mean is...
...as well as I'd like to.
Oh. There's no trouble there...
...girlie-girl!
I've never met a man...
...who sells anvils before.
It's really quite...
...different.
Takes a real salesman, I can tell you that.
Anvils have a limited appeal, you know.
What am I doing?
If l miss that train, I'll lose my job.
And l got to leave word about Hill.
Leave word with me.
Not on your tintype, girlie-girl.
How do l know you'll deliver these letters?
Try me.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
[MUSlC STOPS]
[TRAIN APPROACHING]
There's your train! Run for it!
You double-dealing-- Who do you think you're protecting?
That guy's got a gal in every county in lllinois...
...and he's taken it away from every one of them. That's 1 02 counties!
Not counting the piano teachers like you he cozies up to...
...just to keep your mouths shut!
Neither one of you have heard the last of me, girlie-girl!
GROUP [SINGlNG]: I'll pop the question
Lida Rose, I'm home again, Rose
Without a sweetheart to my name
Good evening, Miss Marian
Lida Rose, how everyone knows
That I am hoping you're the same
MRS. PAROO: Marian!
Marian dear, who was you talking--?
Why, Professor Hill!
Mrs. Paroo, the top of the evening! Miss Marian.
You and Marian come up and set.
I've got some jelly on the stove.
There's no jelly on the stove.
Well, l'll put some on!
-Shall we "set," as your mother said? -Really, I don't--
You did ask me to call. Remember?
Did I? I didn't mean anything.
I'm not suggesting your invitation inferred...
...anything but academic enlightenment.
The Think System.
I've been by your house to explain it to you...
...but there always seem to be people around.
Ladies mostly, l thought.
Yes. Mrs. Squires and several of the other ladies.
I'm glad.
I wouldn't want anyone beating my time.
"You wouldn't?"
"No, ma'am."
It's evidently not the convenient evening.
I'll see you at the sociable.
Professor Hill, is it true that you've had 1 00--?
-What I'm trying to say is-- -Yes?
I was wondering...
...how you developed the Think System.
The Think System?
Oh, the Think System!
It's quite simple, really. It's as simple as whistling.
No one had to develop an elaborate technique for whistling.
You simply think the tune up here...
...and it comes out clearly here.
[WHlSTLlNG]
Now just suppose you try this yourself.
I'll take your word for it.
Why don't we all sit down?
Are all music teachers as dense as I am?
All music teachers?
I daresay you've met dozens. Maybe even a hundred.
-Well-- -Are they all as fascinated as l...
...with the Think System?
Some more and some less.
One young lady had thought up the same system.
She showed me a few refinements.
I see.
Have l said something wrong?
Please don't let me keep you.
You must have more important things to do...
...than explain the Think System to me.
Nope, can't think of one. Come, let's sit.
I must be very dull company for a man of your experience.
Now where'd you ever get an idea like that? Heh-heh.
One hears rumors about traveling salesmen.
Oh, now, you mustn't believe everything you hear.
After all, one even hears rumors about librarians.
I presume you're referring to Uncle Maddy?
-Uncle Maddy? -Mr. Madison, my father's best friend.
No matter what they say, he left that library job to me...
...so Mother, Winthrop and l could have security.
Surely, you don't believe--
No, but that's just what l'm saying.
Why do you suppose people start rumors?
Narrow-mindedness, jealousy.
Jealousy mostly, l guess.
Exactly!
And jealousy mostly starts rumors about traveling salesmen.
What have you heard?
Oh.
Nothing about you personally. It's just...
...you know, generally.
What have you heard generally?
Just that--
But of course!
It stands to reason that disappointment and jealousy can lead to--
Well, take you, for instance. Your attentions to customers...
...and teachers might easily be misconstrued, mightn't they?
I mean now, honestly, mightn't they?
And as you say, if a salesman or somebody were jealous...
...they could be downright lies, now, couldn't they?
-What could? -Rumors and things!
Of course!
It goes to show, you should never believe everything you hear!
I mean, if you just discuss things!
I'd be delighted to discuss...
...anything in the world with you.
But couldn't we do it sitting down?
You do sit?
Your knees bend and all?
We could sit on the steps, l suppose.
Or on the large hollow log over at the footbridge.
No, I couldn't do that.
I've never been to the footbridge with a man in my life.
Just to talk.
I have to dress for the sociable.
Then meet me there in 1 5 minutes.
No, I can't.
Please.
Some other time. Maybe tomorrow.
Please.
Oh, my dear little librarian!
You pile up enough tomorrows and you'll collect...
...nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays.
I don't know about you...
...but l'd like to make today worth remembering.
Oh....
So would l.
The footbridge...
...1 5 minutes.
Fifteen minutes.
MARIAN: Mama! -What?!
I told the professor l'd meet him at the footbridge in 1 5 minutes.
Glory be and the saints be praised!
-lt works! -What works?
I been using the Think System on you from the parlor.
[PEOPLE CHATTERlNG]
Any of you people Mayor Shinn?
[YELLING]
Please, you got to clear this area.
Mrs. Shinn wants to start the entertainment.
[CROWD GROANS]
No, we want to dance.
[CROWD AGREES]
Wait'll you see the new steps Professor Hill taught us.
Mr. Washburn, my group is ready to perform.
[CROWD CHATTERlNG]
-Start her out. -Okay, what'll it be?
"The Shipoopi!"
[CROWD CHEERING]
[SINGlNG] Now a woman who'll kiss on the
Very first date is usually a hussy.
And a woman who'll kiss on the Second time out is anything but fussy
But a woman who'll wait Till the third time around
Head in the clouds Feet on the ground
She's the girl he's glad he's found She's his Shipoopi
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi
CHORUS: The girl who's hard to get
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi
FEMALE SlNGERS: But you can win her yet
Walk her once Just to raise the curtain
Walk around twice And you make for certain
Once more in the flower garden
She will never get sore If you beg her pardon
CHORUS: Do re mi fa so la si do Si la so fa mi re do
Squeeze her once When she isn't looking
If you get a squeeze back That's fancy cooking
Once more for a pepper-upper
She will never get sore On her way to supper
CHORUS: Do re mi fa so la si do Si do
Now little old Sal's a no-gal As anyone could see
Look at her now, she's a go-gal Who only goes for me
Squeeze her once When she isn't looking
If you get a squeeze back That's fancy cooking
Once more for a pepper-upper
She will never get sore On her way to supper
CHORUS: Do re mi fa so la si do Si do
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi
MALE SlNGERS: The girl who's hard to get
FEMALE SlNGERS: Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi
FEMALE SlNGERS: But you can win her yet
ALL: Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi
The girl who's hard to get
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi But you can win her yet
Hey, professor! Show us some new steps!
[ALL CHEER]
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi
The girl who's hard to get
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi
But you can win her yet
You can win her yet
Shipoopi!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Professor Hill--
This is no place to talk. You won't back down?
I'll come, but I promised Mother and Winthrop...
...to have a plate of cream with them. You go along, I'll meet you.
Fifteen minutes.
[CHATTERlNG]
[LAUGHS]
SHlNN: And now we arrive at the high-water mark...
...of the evening's festivities.
The River City Ladies' Eurhythmic Dance Group...
...under the leadership of my wife...
...will give their interpretation of....
EULALIE: Psst.
Grecian urns!
Yes. Grecian urns.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
Psst. Psst.
[INAUDIBLE DlALOGUE]
One Grecian urn.
[GlGGLING]
Miss Marian, you're late.
-You said 1 5 minutes. -Not that kind of late. l meant....
I'd say about...
...26 years late.
It took you all this time to get to the footbridge with a fella.
If you want to know the truth, it was almost longer.
-Oh? -Halfway here...
...l nearly turned back.
I suppose I'm not the first person to discover...
...a girl doesn't think clearly under the spell of your salesmanship.
You surely don't think I've been trying to sell you anything?
Oh, no.
You've given me something. That's why I had to come.
-l don't recall giving you-- -Yes.
Something beautiful.
That's why I came.
And l'm so glad.
Please don't be afraid I expect too much more.
One can't expect a traveling salesman to stay put.
There've been many ports of call and there'll be many more.
Still, l can be grateful for what you've left behind.
For me.
Marian--
[SINGlNG] There were bells
On the hill
But I never heard them ringing
No, l never heard them at all
Till there was you
There were birds
In the sky
But I never saw them winging
No, l never saw them at all
Till there was you.
And there was music
And there were wonderful roses
They tell me
In sweet fragrant meadows
Of dawn
And dew
There was love
All around
But I never heard it singing
No, l never heard it at all
Till there was you
There was love
All around
But I never heard it singing
No, l never heard it at all
Till there was
You
Marian.
There's lots you don't know about me.
I'm not asking.
Excuse me.
I'm expecting a telegram from Rudi Friml.
This could be it.
Who's the salesman? Looks like she's selling and you're buying.
I have to keep her off balance.
She's as off balance as a catboat in a hurricane.
It's just until those uniforms arrive.
They're here and the kids are in them.
Tommy passed out the uniforms and collected most of the money.
Now he's pretending there's a band practice at the lumberyard.
-What time's the freight train go? -9:40 from the junction.
It isn't even 8:30 yet.
You better cheese it now while you can!
I came up through the ranks on this skirmish.
I won't resign without my commission.
Now go on, beat it!
Never a peaceful moment in the music business.
Now where were we?
You were going to tell me what I don't know about you.
Yeah.
But we don't have to go into that right now.
Of course not.
We never have to go into that, Harold.
Madam Librarian, you are a lady from the ground up.
The librarian hasn't felt much like doing research lately.
But she did plenty of it when you first came here.
Oh.
About what?
Oh. About Professor Harold Hill...
...Gary Conservatory of Music, Gold Medal Class of '05.
Harold...
...there wasn't any Gary Conservatory in '05.
Well, there most cert--
The town wasn't even built until '06.
Walk me home.
I have to get something to draw around my shoulders.
You knew all the time.
I've known since three days after you came here.
I tore this out of the Indiana Journal.
I meant to use it against you.
Now I give it to you with all my heart.
But if you knew--
[SINGlNG] It's your sweet "Hello, dear"
That sets me up
And it's your "Got to go, dear"
That gets me down
[CROWD LAUGHlNG]
It's you on my pillow
In all of my dreams
Till once more the morning--
Stop! Stop!
Stop! Stop, l tell you!
Listen to this man.
CHARLlE: Why, you boneheaded, square-toed...
...tank town boobs!
I've been trying to tell you!
Can't you see this music fella's giving you the double shuffle!
He's putting the shake on you...
...taking out your eyeteeth while you look the other way.
What are you saying?
I'll tell you what l'm saying!
This burglar's in the bedroom while you're fiddling in the parlor!
Whose bedroom are the burglars fiddling in?
Quiet.
CHARLlE: I'm talking about Harold Hill.
A shell worker.
A flimflammer!
An eighteen-karat thief!
You mean the music professor?
Music professor?
Not on your fireless cooker, mister!
Fellow that organized the band?
There ain't any band. There ain't never been a band.
There ain't never going to be a band!
Unless you hunt this man down now like a mad dog...
...there won't be a Harold Hill either.
He'll be on his way to the state line.
I said all along, get his credentials, didn't l?
I got his credentials right here!
Well, what are we waiting for?
I want my money back.
I want his hide!
Find him and bring him to the school.
Roped and hogtied, if you have to.
And don't let him give you the slip.
All right, after him!
[CROWD CHATTERlNG]
Have you seen Professor Hill?
Haven't been looking for him.
I'll only be a minute.
[WHlSTLlNG "76 TROMBONES"]
[SINGlNG] While 1 1 0 cornets played the air
Then I modestly took my place
As the one and only bass
And l oompahed up and down the square
MARIAN: Good night, my someone
Good night, my love
With 1 1 0 cornets right behind
Our star is shining
Its brightest light
There were horns of every shape and--
Sweet dreams be yours, dear
lf dreams there be
While 1 1 0 cornets played the air
I wish I may
And l wish I might
Now good night
My someone
Good night.
[CROWD SHOUTING]
He's not in there. Try the livery stable!
Try the freight depot!
[HORSE WHlNNlES]
Let's go, Greg.
The flivver's in the alley, all cranked up!
They're onto you! That anvil salesman...
...is running all over town spilling everything!
Come on!
Run, professor! They're talking about tar and feathers.
I've looked all over for Winthrop. He's run away.
Maybe he's in his room.
It's not often I'm at a loss for words--
It's all right. Don't you know that?
You don't owe me a word, not a word.
Now hurry, please!
Greg!
He's not around here, folks!
Let's try by the creamery.
-Whoa. Hold on a minute, son. -l'm not your son. Leave me go!
Not until I talk to you a minute.
I won't listen. You wouldn't tell the truth anyway.
-l would too. -Would not!
Tell you anything you want to know.
Can you lead a band?
No!
-Are you a big liar? -Yes.
-Are you a dirty, rotten crook? -Yes.
Then leave me go, you big liar!
You wanted the truth, didn't you?
I'm bigger than you, and you're getting it all.
So just stop wiggling.
Now....
There are two things you're entitled to know.
One, you're a wonderful kid.
I thought so from the first. That's why I wanted you in the band...
...so you'd stop moping around and feeling sorry for yourself.
What band?
I always think there's a band, kid.
WlNTHROP: What's the other thing I'm entitled to know?
That's none of your business, come to think of it.
I wish you never came to River City.
No, you don't, Winthrop.
Sister, you believe him?
I believe everything he ever said.
WlNTHROP: But he promised us!
I know what he promised us, and it all happened just like he said:
The lights, the colors, the cymbals and the flags.
Where was all that?
In the way every kid in town walked around all summer...
...and looked and acted.
Especially you.
And the parents too.
Does Mama wish he'd never come?
Well, you do, don't you?
No, Winthrop.
You'd better go, Harold. Please!
Go on, professor.
Hurry up.
I can't go, Winthrop.
Why not?
Well, for the first time in my life...
...l got my foot caught in the door.
There was love
All around
But I never heard it singing
No, l never heard it at all
Till there was you.
MARCELLUS: Greg!
Greg, they're here!
Run this way!
Go on, professor! That way, that way!
[CROWD SHOUTING]
SHlNN: And always remember, fellow River City-zeeans...
...l did everything in my power to prevent this dire...
...happening from...
...happening.
Fourscore--
How will you get our money back?
That professor collected almost $300 on uniforms just tonight.
I haven't seen a uniform or my boy either since just after supper.
He's a kidnapper!
That's a fine situation we have here!
[ALL CHATTERING]
SHlNN: Fourscore--
Just a minute!
Virtue has triumphed!
The sword of restibution...
...has cut down...
...Professor Harold Hill.
[CROWD MURMURlNG]
And if there are those, as l've heard...
...who are melting tar and plucking feathers...
...l will not say them nay!
I should think some of you could forget your everlasting Iowa stubbornness...
...long enough to remember what this town was like before Harold Hill came.
Do you?
-Well, do you? -Hold up, there!
And then after he came!
Suddenly there were things to do...
...and things to be proud of...
...and people to go out of your way for.
Surely some of you can be grateful for what this man has brought to us.
I'd think you'd want to admit it!
You're wasting a great deal of time!
If there's a person in this hall...
...who doesn't want this man Hill tarred and feathered...
...let him, by God, stand up!
[CROWD MURMURlNG]
Eulalie, sit down!
[STOMPS FOOT]
And the rest of you, who are standing there like Shropshire sheep!
Maybe you can remember other things.
Like what you paid for uniforms...
...technical instruction books and band instruments.
With the understanding...
...your children would be taught to play in a band!
Well, where's the band?
Where's the band?!
[WHlSTLE BLOWS]
[BLOWS WHlSTLE]
[CROWD MURMURlNG]
CROWD: Oh....
No, I couldn't!
Now, think, men.
Think!
[PLAYING DlSCORDANT TUNE]
That's my Barney!
That tuba's my Barney!
Wonderful, Barney.
That's Eddie! That's Eddie's clarinet! Oh. Oh.
Linus!
Play to me, son!
Play to me!
Davey!
That's my Davey!
[BAND PLAYlNG "76 TROMBONES"]
Oh!
CHORUS [SINGlNG]: 76 trombones led the big parade
With 1 1 0 cornets close at hand
They were followed by rows and rows Of the finest virtuosos
The cream of every famous band
76 trombones caught the morning sun
With 1 1 0 cornets right behind
There were more than a thousand reeds Springing up like weeds
There were horns Of every shape and kind
There were copper-bottom timpani In horse platoons
Thundering, thundering All along the way
Double bell euphoniums And big bassoons
Each bassoon
Having his big fat say
There were 50 mounted cannon In the battery
Thundering, thundering Louder than before
Clarinets of every size And trumpeters who'd improvise
A full octave higher than the score!
[ENGLISH SDH]