NARRATOR: Once upon a time, in the projects...
(COMPLAINING)
(GRUNTING)
(ALL SIGHING)
Oh, this heat is unbearable.
(GROANING)
Thurgood! How many times have I told you,
don't sit in the icebox, especially with the door closed.
Muriel, you know I can't sleep with that light on.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
I tell ya, if it ain't the heat, it's the stupidity.
Super, it's too hot.
When you gonna turn down the furnace?
The furnace ain't on. It's the middle of summer, you crazy, old bat.
Well, when you gonna fix my calendar?
Now, what the hell you buy a calendar for, anyway?
You ain't gonna get to finish it. (GRUNTS)
Thurgood, that's no way to talk to Mrs. Avery.
You know something, you're right.
(SHOUTING) You dried up, old gargoyle!
Thanks, Muriel.
I can always count on you to remind me to do the important things.
Weren't you supposed to go to HUD and pick up those air conditioners?
Don't become your mother, now.
HUD LADY: Next!
Yeah, look, I've come to get some air conditioners. It's sweltering out here.
I'm sorry. I can't hear you.
Lavell, turn down the AC. It's freezing back here.
(GROANING IN FRUSTRATION)
Oh, you're still out there.
How rude of me. Next!
Why the hell can't I ever go to HUD and get what I want?
(GRUNTS) I don't feel so good.
The room is spinning.
I feel a little dizzy. Gillespie...
Oh, sir, you don't look so well.
Would you like me to call you a physician?
Well, I... It's no trouble at all.
His name is Dr. Next!
(GROANS AGAIN)
So I waited two hours and this Dr. Next never even showed up.
I don't like these dizzy spells.
You need to see a real doctor.
I should take you to County.
What's it gonna be? A real doctor or County?
Oh, forget it. I'll be fine.
There's nothing wrong with me that a nice pork chop sandwich ain't gonna fix.
Thurgood, I'm a little worried about your diet.
Look, I got you some nice non-fat fat back and tofu pig's feet.
I can cook them in some artificial bacon fat substitute.
What're you trying to kill me?
I'm trying to save you.
Now, give me that sandwich.
You can have my smothered deep-fried pork chop sandwich
when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.
(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)
(GRUNTING)
Is he gonna be okay, doctor?
Ma'am, your father's in excellent condition for a man in his 60s.
He's my husband and he's 48.
48!
(SCREAMING) It burns! I'm in hell! I'm in hell.
No, Thurgood. You're in County Hospital.
THURGOOD: The devil has many addresses.
Out of my way, I'm leaving,
and there's no force on heaven or earth that can stop me.
(SCREAMS)
Except a catheter.
Mr. Stubbs, you had a mild cardiac episode
which we believe was due to prolonged hypertension.
Give it to me in English, doc.
You have very high blood pressure.
Hey, look, we didn't all go to DeVry, all right.
Okay.
You're blood is bad,
especially when you get mad,
and if you die, you'll be very, very sad.
Okay?
Now, was that so hard?
I hear what you're saying. You're telling me I'm a few steps away
from being a Janitor in a Drum, right?
Oh, my.
Now, now, there is hope. There's a promising new drug for hypertension,
although it's still in the experimental stage.
Ah, hell no, back on up.
No more experiments. I learned my lesson with them Olestra potato chips.
You think I need a tube in my front?
The experiment pays $50.
Huh? Then I'm your Miss Evers' Boy.
The side effects are minimal and the results have been promising.
You hear that, Muriel? Fifty bucks.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
To qualify for the program you need a systolic reading of 200.
Reading? Nobody said nothing about reading.
DOCTOR: Your blood pressure's high. In fact, dangerously high.
All right. But not fatal.
Damn. Why me, Lord?
I'm afraid you're at 190, which is too low to qualify for the new drug.
(BOTH SIGH)
Tell me, doctor,
what kind of things can raise a man's blood pressure?
Hmm, let's see. Aggravation, a high fat diet, excess alcohol...
Thurgood, you're halfway there.
Doc, I'm gonna come back with your 200.
You just be here with my 50.
MAN ON TV: Where's the strangest place we've ever made whoopee?
(HUMMING)
Muriel, move! Like this?
(SINGING) La, la, la, la, la, la.
Muriel, what the hell are you doing?
Is it aggravating you?
Hell, yeah, it's making my blood boil.
Muriel, you're a genius.
Help me strap it on.
Go, Thurgood, raise the pressure.
195! Not bad. But we can do better.
Good job on the butt dance.
It really made me, you know, hot.
It did?
Not that kind of hot. (SIGHS)
Here you go, Goodie, I made your favorite.
Chicken-fried, steak-fried chicken,
beer-battered fish, no fish, extra batter,
and a nice fried salad.
Hey, batter, batter, batter!
Uh, uh, uh!
What? Oh.
Good looking out, Muriel.
Well, the doctor says, we've gotta raise your pressure to get it down.
Yeah, get up and get down.
That's what P-Funk say.
Well? 196, stupid.
Stupid? 197!
196, 195... Oh, I'll never crack 200.
It's just like the SATs all over again.
Thurgood, don't give up.
There's no use, Muriel. Nothing can get me aggravated enough.
Thurgood, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.
All right, Juicy, drop 'em.
(WHISTLING) (GLASS SHATTERING)
What the fudge is going on out there?
(GASPS) My 40s!
THURGOOD: Juicy!
Hey, Super.
Fore... tee.
(SCREAMING)
(BREATHES DEEPLY) I'm gonna kill that boy.
He's gonna meet his maker today.
198. I'll push him off.
That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna push him off.
199!
Where is he? I'll kill him.
200! You did it.
Thurgood, you better stop. You're at 210,
230, 240... Two 40s? Okay.
No!
Now you little...
(GROANING) That don't feel right.
Congratulations, Super!
You made it.
Super?
DOCTOR: Congratulations, Mr. Stubbs.
You've been excepted into our hypertension drug study.
How do you feel?
I'm telling you I'm so excited I can barely breathe
or feel my left arm.
Good, we're off on the right foot.
Yeah, can't feel that, either.
Okay, Goodie, time for you first pill. Down the hatch.
Hmm.
Well, what are you waiting for?
I don't trust no pills that don't have Fred Flintstones on it.
I think they're Dino's eggs.
Muriel, don't patronize me. Dino was a boy.
Ah.
Muriel, I feel an odd sense of calm and contentment
as if my hypertension is just melting away.
Thurgood, the pills on your mustache.
Damn it, I knew these wouldn't work.
Thurgood, just take the pill.
(GROANS)
(GRUNTS) What did you flush down here?
Just cotton balls.
This is a goat's head.
Cottonballs was his name.
Haiti Lady, what did I tell you I'd do the last time you flushed a goat's head?
I said...
I said I'd snake it courteously
and thank you for making my job so challenging.
What you say?
(GRUNTS) I said I've got half a mind to wring...
you up and ask you to dinner.
We've really drifted apart.
Super, what has come over you?
Suddenly you're so good.
This is the work of the devil.
So my hat says, "Nevada,"
but I really got it in California.
(CHUCKLING) I bought it on the border.
(LAUGHING) Tell it again.
Oh, Mrs. Avery.
I brought you an air conditioner all the way from HUD.
I don't need it. My calendar says it's February.
Yes, but your calendar also says it's 1978.
Oh, good, The Jeffersons is on.
Now, get that thing out of my sight.
Oh, Mrs. Avery, you're so sweet.
You put the "battle" in battle ax.
I also put the "dent" in superintendent.
(GROANS IN PAIN)
Honey, I'm home.
Oh, what's that smell?
Huh? Oh, sewage pipe erupted in my face.
Hey, baby.
Oh, Goodie.
Muriel, this pill has changed my life.
I feel happy all the time. I don't get aggravated no more.
I feel good from my head down to my... Ooh! Hey!
Thurgood, what's happening?
There's a little urban renewal going on in my pants. That's what's happening.
(GROWLS) Come here, baby.
But, Thurgood, the lights are on. (GIGGLES)
I don't understand. Are the Bulls in the playoffs?
MURIEL: Oh, my.
Ooh! Oh, good morning, Thurgood.
Or should I say, "Thur-great."
You said enough last night, Muriel.
You don't think last night had something to do with those pills?
Could be. My blood pressure had to go somewhere.
Says here side effects can include nausea, seizures, Bell's palsy,
hypertension, blindness, death, increased sex drive...
Increased sex drive? These are great.
Let's see what happens when I take two.
Man, oh, man, bingo!
Is that mine?
(GROWLS AGAIN)
What is that, Thurgood?
Again?
(GRUNTS)
Thurgood, at least let me put this can down.
Not just yet, Muriel.
(MURIEL HUMMING)
Girl, what you so happy about today?
(GIGGLING)
Oh, no, you didn't!
Does Thurgood know?
Girl, you lying.
Uh-huh, now see, now you just brag.
All right, I won't tell nobody.
BEBE: Hey, Jimmy!
(HUMMING) (KNOCK ON DOOR)
Muriel, open up.
Thurgood, if your hands were full, how did you knock?
(LAUGHS SLYLY)
(GRUNTS)
(SINGING HOT STUFF)
(EXCLAIMING)
What the Hella Fitzgerald?
We want to know what's up.
Yeah, and what's keeping it there.
Why, gentlemen, whatever could you mean?
You know what we mean.
You've been knocking so many boots,
sound like the Gestapo marching in.
Now, what's your secret?
Chinese herbs?
An electro-stimulation device?
Well, I ain't gonna lie. I do have more watts in my tower.
Please, brother-in-law, don't hold out on me.
My Bebe. I can't keep up with her.
If I don't come back another man,
she's gonna leave me for the brother man.
Jimmy, get a grip on yourself.
We're headed that way.
Oh, Thurgood, these last few weeks have been so romantic.
You know what, Muriel, I've been thinking.
We should go on a second honeymoon.
Or our first one. Even better.
How many transfers do you think it'd take to get to Hawaii?
They say Virginia is for lovers.
Muriel, you know I can't leave the country.
Visa keeps turning me down.
Hey, but what the hey. Anywhere's paradise
just as long as I got you and my pyridoxine mononitrate.
Hey, I'm running a little low.
Looks like Thurgood better get himself down to Dr. Feelgood.
So were there any side effects that you noticed?
None that I can think of.
Uh, did that skeleton used to be a woman?
Well, I'm happy to announce that your hypertension is under control.
So I guess we're done, here.
Oh, that's great. I'll just take some more pills and go.
I'm afraid there are no more pills for you. You're cured.
Yeah, I know that's great. Now, give me my pills.
You can pick up your $50 at the front desk.
Right, and they gonna have my pills at the desk? Mr. Stubbs!
Come on, now. Give me a break, doc.
Maybe we can help each other out.
What do you need? Shrimp? You like shrimp?
What do you say? Shrimp for pills. Pills for shrimp.
Look, if you want, I can give you some free samples of Viagra.
I don't want no damn Viagra. I ain't going bald.
And can't you see you're on the good side of this deal? I offered you shrimp.
I could have killed you five minutes ago,
and you wouldn't have seen shrimp one.
Mr. Stubbs, I'm no longer required to care about you.
Well, fine, I don't need your damn, stupid pills.
Is there a cream or gel?
Muriel, Muriel!
Good, she's not here.
She'd be crushed if she found out I'm not the man I used to be.
(SIGHS)
Oh! Hey, hey, Muriel, I just needed my, uh... My Mylanta.
I wanted some anti-flaccid, uh, antacid.
That's it. I have no other problems. Bye.
Hmm.
Man, just one pill left.
Now, if I use it sparingly, it'll last me
one time.
Okay.
Now, how do I make one pill last the rest of my marriage?
All right. Now, this is gonna require some periods of no sex.
First few years will be easy. Muriel won't suspect a thing.
Then, it gets a little tricky.
Wait a minute. I could freeze us both,
then wake us up in five years,
and that would be the 21st century.
Then I could just grab a jet pack and zoom off to the nearest bubble city,
teleport home, bionic winky in hand.
Yeah, that's it.
Thurgood.
Could you help me over here?
I seem to have dropped something.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Thurgood, are you okay? You seem tense.
Tense? Why should I be tense? I have my hypertension pills.
Why don't you take one of those little pills and I draw us a nice hot bath.
Uh, yeah, perfect, and while you're doing that
I'll stake us out a good spot for the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Don't wait up.
Thurgood, come to bed. I'll make it worth your while.
(EXCLAIMING)
Thurgood, what is that on your face?
Huh, say what? Oh, I was...
I just wanted to look good, so I used some
of your facial mask I found under the sink.
Hope it doesn't discourage you from wanting sex.
Well, no, but that's my hair relaxer.
Oh, really? Excuse me.
(SCREAMS)
Thurgood.
I've been thinking about you all day long.
Oh, that's good, then you're probably sick of me.
Good night, Muriel.
Thurgood, I made you a nice dinner tonight,
and I expect you to pay me back.
You would want your husband to have sex
even though he's not in the mood. Yes.
Even though I have a headache. Yes.
Even though my friend is visiting. I ain't mad at that.
Muriel, no means no.
You could just lie there.
(CRYING) Oh...
Thurgood, what's going on?
I hope you're not gonna behave this way on our anniversary, Monday.
Monday?
You do remember our anniversary is Monday.
(STAMMERS) Oh, yeah. Sure I remember. It's out 23rd anniversary.
Hey, what is the 23rd anniversary, anyway? That's abstinence, isn't it?
It better be wood.
It's our anniversary, and I want it to be a night to remember.
All right.
It'll be a night you'll always remember.
You're gonna have to.
(COOING)
Thurgood, this wine is interesting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, It's Goofy Grape and vodka.
It's goofy without being stupid.
Oh, Thurgood, this has been the best anniversary ever.
I think the only thing left is for you to, you know,
take one of your pills.
We can make it just like the last time.
Oh, yeah, it'll be the last time.
All right, Thurgood, time to put the clown in the cannon.
(GASPS) No!
(EXCLAIMING)
(DOG GROWLING)
(GRUNTING)
(SLOWLY) No!
Oh!
Okay, Thurgood, stay calm. Think clearly.
There's a perfectly logical way to eat that dog.
(BARKING)
That's the last time, I think, I'd lie in front of an animal.
Tarnell's my man with the hookup, he'll come through.
Smokey, where's Tarnell?
Uh, he's at the County Gym, working out.
He'll be back in 30 days, depending on his behavior.
Oh, no.
In the meantime, my name is Smokey
and I'll be your sales associate.
Tarnell left you in charge?
Uh, actually he left Babs, but she's on her break.
Now, how can I help you today?
I can't believe this. (GROANS)
All right. Well, Smokey, you're a man.
You're very kind.
Okay, right, right. You remember sex, right?
Babs, you have a customer. No, no, no, no.
Look, I just want to know. Do you have anything
that will enhance a man's performance.
Hmm.
I seem to remember using something years ago.
Hmm, what was it?
Oh, yeah. Crack.
Crack! I ain't taking that poison.
Look, I understand your apprehensions.
It's not FDA approved.
That's it. I'm outta here.
Fine. But before you go,
can you complete this performance evaluation form?
Gimme the pen. Excellent.
Fair. Good. Strongly agree.
Hmm. Yes, would shop here again.
Well, Thurgood, you made your bed.
Now go on in and tell Muriel you're not gonna lie in it.
(CRYING)
Thurgood, is it me?
Don't you find me attractive?
No, no, it's not that.
Just say it, Thurgood. All right.
Muriel, I've got to come clean.
Life as we know it will never be the same again.
We're moving out of the projects?
(SCOFFS) Wouldn't that be the final kick in the ass?
No, I'm off the pill.
That's means I've knocked my last boot.
No more parallel parking.
Poker night is over.
Next time I get in the saddle,
it'll be outside the supermarket for a quarter.
No more... Thurgood.
Muriel, please, I spent an hour with the kids thinking of these.
Thurgood, what are you talking about?
I'm out of pills forever.
That means no more sex.
No more nookie nights. No more cuddling.
No more telling you you're beautiful, Muriel.
Oh, Thurgood, after all these years.
Don't you know what our relationship is based on?
Uh, low expectations?
No, Goodie, it's based on love.
Like the kind we rekindled this past week.
Yeah, that's true.
You know, we still have five minutes left in our anniversary.
Well, if I'm back to the old me,
five minutes is all you gonna get.
See, we don't need any silly pills.
(LAUGHS) Thurgood.
Here you go, boy.
(GROWLS)