You do overuse the vampiric hypnosis.
- What? And you don't? - I don't need to.
I can rely on my wit and wisdom, not cheap tricks and gambits.
Electrical audio recording.
Testing. One, two and...
My point being, I can wander about these humans
without having to resort to hypnosis.
I'm a student of the human condition,
a psychological chameleon, one might say.
Well, one might also say
that you have hypnotized your best friend Sean many times.
Yeah, to clear up your mess, but I don't say anything
that causes Sean any kind of alarm.
In fact, if you talk to Sean, he'll tell you
I'm just one of the guys.
Well, he's my friend, too.
That's 'cause he's a nice guy,
which makes it doubly embarrassing
when you say dumb shit like,
"I am a vampire, I've lived for 2,000 years.
"I like to suck-a the blood.
"Oh, shit. I fucked up.
I'll now have to hypnotize the whole fucking world."
- I don't do that. - You do do that.
You just said "Doo doo."
Touché. Can we get on with this?
♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
♪ They have no use for your song ♪
♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪
♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪
I am not imagining anything.
Something is going very tits up with my life.
- In what ways? - I don't know, Colin Robinson.
How about, my nightclub got destroyed by fire?
- Which you set. - I was drinking
liquor blood every day for months.
I know, my darling, but we did all tell you to slow down.
- Slow down. - We did tell you to slow down. - And no one,
none of you told me to slow down!
- Uh... - And now, my poor, precious little dolly
has got her body all mangled and minced up.
You did that by sitting on me.
While you were drunk on liquor blood.
After we told you to slow down.
- Yes. - This is never going to end.
Now, now, Nadja. There, there. It is going to end.
And I have just the thing that's going to help you.
Don't tell me, Nandor. Hypnosis.
Uh...
Hypnosis seems to be Nandor's solution
to every problem.
And as a fellow vampire, I find this artless,
and even embarrassing.
You plan to hypnotize my wife free of all her woes?
- No, actually. - Really?
What was it then?
You know what? The atmosphere in this room...
- Hey... - is not really conducive to positive
contributions, so just forget it.
Surprise!
I'm back.
- Were you gone? - Yes.
I was gone for a while.
I have been sitting over there
at the Vampiric Council headquarters
wondering if you guys were going to come back.
After a while, I just decided,
"Maybe they forgot I even exist!"
Says here we're on track
for a higher than usual level of precipitation this month.
- No doubt. - Mm.
So, what did I miss?
What's the old gang been up to, huh?
Actually, I'm going to sit in that chair in a few minutes.
No problemo. It's more comfortable over here.
Any fun activities planned for tonight?
Yes, we're off for a night on the town
- with Sean and his friends. - Ha, ha!
Is this like a "Come one, come all" type deal?
Uh, not sure.
I'll give you a ring when I get there.
All right.
But you don't have a phone.
That was weird, right?
I know it's hard to break into a vampire clique.
Oh, no. What happened to your little body?
- She sat on me. - No.
They've never invited me to live in the house.
Apparently, they are not allowed to have a fifth vampire here,
due to some zoning regulation
that I have never heard of.
I was never much
of a wine guy when I was younger.
- Same. - But that's 'cause
we were drinking to get drunk.
Now that we're older,
you know, you can appreciate the concept of moderation.
Or Charmaine told you you better start appreciating it
if you don't want to keep sleeping
on an army cot in the garage.
- Come on. - Whoa. Why you got to bring that up?
Wine can of their wits the wise beguile,
make a sage frolic, and the serious smile.
Whoa! We got a fucking poet over here.
Classic Laz.
Now I'd like to claim that as my own,
it was actually written a long time ago by Homer.
Oh. Homer's great.
- Yeah. D'oh! - Yeah. D'oh.
Yes!
Wine is very cool.
Um...
That was... Nandor.
- Hmm. - Oh, me. But seriously,
yeah, how come you guys never drink?
I mean, I don't think I've ever seen you guys take a sip
of nothing ever.
- Uh... - Never?
- No? - No.
What's up with that?
Actually, uh, I drink lots of fluids.
- Oh. - Red fluids.
If Nandor were to engage his brain just once before speaking,
he would not fall back on hypnosis.
Much like your wine.
- Except it is not wine. - Hmm.
Okay.
- What is it then? - Um... - Um...
I don't know why I said that.
A real vampire uses
wit, wisdom and charm.
What he's trying to say is, um, he's more
of a Red Bull and vodka guy.
- Oh! - Oh! - Oh!
- Yeah. - Yes, yes.
The reason you don't see us drinking is,
'cause we pre-gamed before we got here very heavily.
There you go. Budget conscious.
And you never see us eat anything
'cause I don't want what's going down there
to come back up here and across your stupid faces.
Yeah!
See? Little charm goes a long way.
That was close.
And on top of this
bag of shit things that keep happening to me,
I've got no one to talk to about it.
I am here.
Yes, yes, but you know what I mean.
I have got absolutely
no really close female friends anymore.
None?
Nope. Go figure.
I just felt like
we had gotten closer
with the nightclub and everything,
and...
So you're telling me
you have no close female friends?
None at all.
What do I got to do?
It's got an ass-load of terroir.
- What the fuck do you know, terroir? - What do you mean?
Nandor, uh, I don't know whether you've noticed,
but Gizmo seems a bit odd lately.
Yeah, I mean, he's been a bit distant lately,
but I think it's because
I haven't given him enough shit work.
You know what it's like with familiars.
If you don't give them enough shit work,
then they have too much time
to contemplate their own pathetic existences.
I think it might be something else.
I have a theory, but I could just be imagining things.
I don't understand what's taking so long.
How long did it take when you were made into a vampire
to fully, you know, become a vampire?
For me it was, like, six to eight hours,
but as with all things, your mileage may vary.
It's been three weeks. Why am I not a vampire?
- I should be a vampire by now. - Maybe you are one,
and you just don't realize it.
Okay, hang on. Have you tried this?
Form of... Microchiroptera.
No.
I can't do that. If I could do that, I wouldn't be here.
- Have you tried? - Yes, of course, I've tried.
Try now.
Okay.
Bat.
Whoa! That is some freaky shit.
- Hey, Derek? - Toilets!
- It's overflowing. - Yeah, um, I've got to...
Hold that thought.
- Derek! - Coming!
I think I have everything we need.
For what?
All these troubles you're having...
I hate to say it, but I think it might be...
a hex.
Do you mean, like, a curse?
No, no, curses are just supernatural excuses
people make up for being losers.
Hexes, on the other hand... That's a real thing.
Targeted harassment brought on by your own past actions.
- Right. - Let's just rule it out.
Is there anyone in your life,
current or past, that you have treated unkindly?
- Nope. - No one?
- No. - Never?
- No. - No one?
Nope.
- Oh, that's the way. - Please stop fucking doing that.
- Why? Why? - What's wrong with you?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, boys.
Why don't we just play nice?
No, it's bullshit.
That's a fucking eight-dollar bottle of wine,
and he's putting ice in it!
That's what they do in France!
- Come on. Marone. - Easy now, fellows.
Mikey's right. That is what they do in France.
What the fuck do you know from fucking France?
Oh! My cousin is from France.
Your cousin is from fucking Quebec!
- How dare you. - But I'm right, ain't I?
- Ain't I? Huh? - Quit doing the fucking chin thing.
- Fuck you. - Get the fuck out of...
Hey... stop it!
- Stop it! - Shouldn't we, uh...?
No, I think let them just carry on.
- They're having a great time. - You know, I think
Céline Dion is from Quebec.
Céline who?
Céline Dion.
I don't know who she is.
- Vegas showgirl, singer type. - Is she good?
Fucking bring it!
Fuck you!
- That's not good. - No it's not.
That's not good at all.
All right, nothing to see here, everyone.
- Maybe we should, uh, skedaddle. - Yeah.
- Whoops. - You really got me.
- Oh. - Sorry for the ruckus, Jimmy.
- Not my name. - We'll get this cleaned up
and squared away in no time.
I think she's calling the police.
Why don't you hypnotize them, Nandor? You're so fond of that.
I don't think that will be necessary.
Maybe you fellas should apologize to Jimmy.
- Not my name. - Sorry, Jimmy. - And offer
- to pay for the window. - Yo!
- Shit. - Who the fuck's
- this bonanza? - Oh, go, go, go!
- What's going on here, fellas? - Officer, thank goodness.
This window... it exploded,
and it nearly blew the asses off these guys.
- What guys? - These guys. The, uh...
Uh...
- You need some help? - No, I got this.
There were these guys. This much we know.
But there was also this window,
- and the, uh... - Mikey?
- I... - Oh, fuck off, Terry. It was an accident.
Whatever, Mikey. I'm filing a report.
Hold on there. Do you two fellas know each other?
Yeah, Terry, Seany,
Frank and I... we all went to high school together.
Oh, so this is Terry? These fellas... they speak
very highly of you.
- This guy? Get the fuck out of here. - No.
It's absolutely true.
I've waited a long time
to meet the world-famous Terry from high school.
And now I have, and I'll tell you something.
I'm not disappointed.
- For real? - Oh, yes.
- Shit. That's good. - Just a bit of charm.
And I'll wager
not many constables could think of a creative way out
of this particular predicament,
and that's because they're not Terry.
Sean, I don't know what you're doing down there,
but it doesn't look like a good idea.
Hey, Terry, see you next fall.
- Come on, book it. Let's go. - Shit.
All right. - Eat shit and die, Terry.
Where did you get those chains?
- From the car. - What car?
- Right over here! - Here.
Get in, losers! We're going shopping!
No, no, no, no, no, don't steal my car!
You stole my car back in school!
You sold me that piece of shit!
Drive on, motherfuckers.
Eat shit, Terry!
Am I needed for this bit,
or can I just take a nap while you do your...
Shh! Honestly.
It's this way?
Is it this way? I'm listening.
No, no. Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
It's here.
- Is this yours? - No,
but, no, I know this woman.
This is Yiaya Neikia. In Antipaxos,
this is a very bad-luck woman.
A real shit-stirrer.
How did this get here?
That ought to do it.
Oh, my.
What?!
Oh.
This shriveled bitch!
Now that really ought to do it.
Um...
- Oh, my... - What?!
Ew-kay.
This is a little bit really bad, isn't it?
Didn't feel a thing.
Think I went out of bounds.
Jesus.
Everybody good?
- Holy shit. - Hey, look, I didn't even spill my wine.
- Nice. - That was some GTA5 shit.
Yo, yo, Mikey, Mikey, you got a little cut.
That's gonna be a good scar in the morning.
- Yeah. Go ahead. - Say, boys.
I've got a great idea.
What say we... call it a night?
Laszlo makes a good point. Maybe we should all just
- go home and go to bed? - Oh! Look what I found!
- Look what I found. - Oh! - Oh!
- Nice! - Breaker 1-9, Breaker 1-9.
This is Rubber Duck.
- That's a good reference. - Yeah.
- 10-4, yeah. - That's nothing.
Look what I found.
Whoa.
Why don't you put that back in the car?
Laz is right.
We got to tell Terry about that.
Cop's not supposed to lose his gun.
It's real bad. I saw it in a movie once.
Yeah, we should leave the gun,
- go home and go to bed. - Empty the bullets, dipshit.
You know, that's a felony... To have a loaded weapon?
Very loud.
What the fuck are you doing?
You told me to get rid of the bullets.
- I said, empty the clip! - That's what I'm doing!
See? Now it's empty,
- idiot. - Oh, shit. Terry snitched.
- Oh. Shit. - We got to hit the bricks.
Go, go, go. Come on, boys, let's go!
You're not coming?
Well, if you want to be a coward, Nandor.
- Freeze! - Put your hands up.
- Hands where we can see them. - Uh, no, not really. I just thought maybe
it's what you wanted to do. Hi.
- Shit. There's a lot of them. - Stay there, stay there.
- Evening. - Evening, gentlemen.
I'm sure you're wondering
what are those two chaps doing with one of our cars?
Firstly, there were these guys.
- Ah. - This much we know.
But, also, there was this window.
Uh...
- Nandor, would you mind if I dealt with this? - Would you?
Now, tell me something, fellas.
Is it true what they say about Staten Island policemen?
- Well. - Well.
- You tried. - Yup.
Not one of my finest moments.
I think this could be a situation
where hypnosis is warranted.
I think you're right.
Go ahead.
No, well, you see, there's a problem there.
Um...
I'm not very good at hypnosis.
Sorry. I didn't catch that.
I said, I'm not very good at hypnosis.
I never have been good at it,
and I don't think I ever will be.
- Nonsense. - Well, it's not.
I mean, I can hypnotize Sean, but only with your help.
And only 'cause his brain's fucked.
I should also admit that I've been envious of your skills,
which I think is the reason why I take the piss out of you.
Much as it pains me to say this,
if anyone can get us out of this situation, Nandor,
I think it will be you.
Okay, then.
I will fix.
Guards!
So...
I am hexed, which... is not great.
There is writing on the hex picture,
but I haven't read the Antipaxon language
in hundreds of years, so...
I am a little bit rusty.
Could you maybe help translate this picture
- using your gray box? - Sure.
So I had to get Colin Robinson
to help me translate on his computer machine.
And he told me something, which, quite frankly,
blew my mind apart.
Or you could just walk down to Little Antipaxos
and have someone translate it for you.
Wh-Which? There is a Little Antipaxos? What?
Oh, yeah, not too far from here,
just above Little Italy.
That's the great melting pot of America for you.
- The broad mosaic. - No, no, shut up.
Are you saying there is a Little Antipaxos
right here on Staten Island?
It's only, like, a four-block-by-two-block area,
but it's there.
So much cheap crap and old fish.
It's like looking out the window of my childhood home.
There is, in Staten Island,
a neighborhood known as "Little Antipaxos"!
It is where all the Antipaxons
who come to America work and live
and laugh and love.
I'm Nadja.
Three for joy.
Look! This is the beach of Voutoumi!
I tried to lose my virginity here so many times.
Souvlaki. Stifado!
The food of my youth!
Of course the Greeks stole it from us,
and claimed it as their own,
but the real heads know
that it originally came from Antipaxos.
I mean, it would be wrong not to just try a little bit.
Mmm.
So worth it.
You can still sell that, I think.
Thank you.
Oh, this place.
How fucking long have we lived here,
and you never thought to tell me
there was a Little Antipaxos neighborhood,
like, half a mile from our house?!
You never asked.
Oh, look.
A shitty diner just like my theía used to run.
Come on.
What did he say? What did he say?
It is an Antipaxon thing.
- What does the writing say? - Oh, um,
she says it says, "A simple act
"of kindness, compassion and friendship
will remove the hexes that is on top of your head."
Starting now, this a new me.
Kind, welcoming, inclusive, sensitive
to the feelings of others.
What, what?
Oh, it's very complicated.
I-I don't think you can understand.
No, I cannot say I have heard of this before.
- This fellow you speak of. - Derek. Derek's friend.
- Uh, you wouldn't have met him. - Yeah,
- because he lives in Canada. - Yes.
Ah. So, he was turned into a vampire
by a vampire, but does not yet seem
to be a vampire?
Yeah, that's about the size of it, yeah.
But, um, does that happen?
Uh... uh...
Neither of us have ever heard of such a thing.
- Mm. - Mm. Okay.
Oh. Could work, I suppose.
- What could work? - He says maybe
repeat the turning process with a different vampire.
Of course, that could make your friend a vampire-and-a-half
or a double vampire,
but who gives a shit? I don't know this freak.
Let us see what happens when you turn a vampire twice.
Jonathan is my neighbor.
He used to run his leaf blower
all the day long while I was trying to sleep.
So, I turned him into a vampire, and now we're all good.
- My Liege. - Oh.
How sweet. Arise, Jonathan. We need your help.
- Your wish is my command, My Liege. - Oh. Boop.
Okay, so since I already turned Jonathan,
I guess, uh... Yes, Derek, is it?
- Uh, yes, sir. - Right.
Bite Jonathan and drink some of his blood. Mm.
- Okay, um... Hi. Uh, Derek. - Mm. Mm.
- Just gonna... - Very good.
Now Jonathan, have a taste of Derek's blood.
Ah, okay.
Very nice. Thank you, gentlemen.
So... did it work?
Ah, how are you feeling, Jonathan?
- Uh, I feel fine. - Ah.
I'm a little aggravated because the motor
in this here edge trimmer keeps conking...
So, at least now we know one way that does not work.
Huh.
They really just gonna
let us walk out of here?
How'd you pull that one off, Laz?
Actually, Sean, it was I who, um...
At ease. It was I who convinced
your good friend Laszlo
to, uh, use his notorious charm.
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
Between us, Nandor,
what did you say to them back there?
I just said that we had solved all the crimes
that Sean and his pals had committed.
And, also, I got them
to give their friend Terry
- a little promotion. - Oh, really? Great.
And, just for funsies, I told them
that I was Captain Sully Sullenberger,
and you were the gentleman with the moustache
in that cop show that you like.
Thomas Selleck in Blue Bloods?
- That's it! - Good move.
- Look. There's Terry. - Hi, Terry.
- Terry! Captain Dumbfuck. - Well done, Nandor.
Reporting for duty.
I think I'll just have the tak...
- Tak... tak... - Tzat... tzatziki.
- I'll get it. Tack... - Tzat...
Tacky. Tacky. Uh, but without the, uh, yogurt.
Halt!
That was great.
At ease.
- At ease. At ease. - Ah. There he is.
At ease.
- At ease. At ease. - Hold on.
No, no, no, I'm with them. I'm with them.
Gizmo, I need a word with you.
- Okay. - Coppers, fuck off.
Yes, sir! Thank you, Mr. Selleck!
I think it's about time you came clean.
About what?
Well, the others aren't as observant as I am.
But you've been off recently.
And I've been watching you.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
I think we got a bit of a problem, Gizmo.
The longer you keep it a secret,
it's gonna remain a problem.
I felt like I had no other choice, okay?
I mean, Nandor's been promising to make me a vampire
for 12 years, and it's never come true, all right?
So, like, Derek, he was right there, he's a vampire,
- so of course I was gonna take... Yeah. - Whoa, whoa.
I asked Derek to make me into a vampire, but I regretted it
- the second it happened because... - What the fuck?
I thought you said you figured it out.
No!
I just thought you had the shits.
I was gonna tell you to steer clear of the breakfast burritos.
Too much of the chilaquiles.
You let someone, who isn't your master,
turn you into a vampire?
You fucking idiot.
I know, okay, I know.
And it seems to be taking forever to take full effect.
And I don't know what to do, okay?
So please, please don't tell Nandor.
Tell Nandor?
This is the greatest humiliation
for any vampire.
I don't know if he would even survive it.
All right, I've got an idea.
But you've got to do exactly what I tell you.
Okay, yes, of course.
Despite the fact that you've already been bitten
by a vampire, I could persuade
Nandor to bite you again.
No one'd be any the wiser.
I don't think that's gonna work.
You don't?
Well, then you're fucked.
♪ I just went to a funeral ♪
♪ I just said my goodbyes ♪
♪ I just felt the cold hand of death ♪
♪ Pass before my eyes ♪
♪ Yeah, he's dead ♪
♪ He is dead ♪
♪ He's dead, Granny ♪
- ♪ He's dead ♪ - ♪ Dead ♪
- ♪ He's dead now ♪ - ♪ Oh, he's dead ♪
♪ I'm in the oxygen you breathe ♪
♪ And I'm in the cayenne on your sleeve ♪
♪ I'm on the outside and the inside ♪
♪ At the same time ♪
♪ I'm in the sunshine on your face ♪
♪ I'm in a very funky place ♪
♪ I'm in a dead dog's brain, rotting on the highway line ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪