高蒙电影 Gaumont
传奇电影 Légende
伊斯坦布尔机场
字母整理加工@阿拉李凡 射手网&网络
法语，要说法语。 French. Only French.
我不舒服。 淡定。 I not feel good. Calm.
像我这样。 想想其他的事情。 Do like me. Think other things.
比如看一下电影。 Watch film.
这是什么？ What is it?
一部飞机的电影。 A film about a plane.
挺有意思的。 非常有趣的。 It's interesting. Very interesting.
-你的餐点，先生。 -谢谢。 - Your meal, sir. - Thank you.
-请慢用。 -谢谢你。 - Enjoy. - Thank you.
女生们先生们，我们刚刚进入法国领空。 Ladies and gentlemen, we have just entered French airspace.
到时候了。 It's time.
女士们先生们，很不幸 Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately
由于空中交通管制员罢工 an air traffic controllers' strike
我们不能降落在巴黎机场。 has shut down the Paris airports.
我们降落在科西嘉岛的费加里 We have to land in Figari in Corsica.
那是是什么？- 什么？ -快走！ What the hell?- What now? - Move!
-快！ -你确定？ - Go! - You're sure?
刚才在黎波里为什么不说？ Why not Tripoli while you're at it?
刚回法国就遇到这倒霉事 We head back to France and the bullshit starts!
飞机餐也不好吃！ The meal was foul too!
丢人啊！ Shame on you!
-我的叉子！ -什么？ - My fork! - What?
我丢了我的叉子。 I lose my fork.
我自己上。 I go alone.
为什么不降落在尼斯？ Why not land in Nice?
尼斯机场因为峰会关闭了。 只能去科西嘉岛。 Nice is closed for a summit. It has to be Corsica.
我们要开始降落了， We're starting our descent. 什么事，先生？ Yes, sir?
我要上厕所。 I need the toilet.
来不及了了。 Too late. 谢谢你送餐具回来。 Thank you for the cutlery.
所有人都给老娘坐下！ All of you, sit down now!
赶紧系上安全带， 闭上嘴巴！ Fasten your seatbelts and clam up!
你不能这样对待我们！ You can't treat us like this!
创世的时候， When the world was created,
上帝决定创造一个最美的国度 God decided to invent the most beautiful country of all
把全世界所有的奇迹都放在那里 and put all of the world's wonders in it.
他把这个国度叫做 【 法国 】. . . He called that country... France.
为了不让其它国度感到被剥夺权利 But so that other countries wouldn't feel deprived,
上帝决定用法国人。。。 God decided to fill it with
填满那里 the French.
Vive La France 法 国 万 岁
但是首先让我解释一下 But first let me explain
我们到这的来由吧。 how we got here.
整件事要从 塔布里斯坦（地名）说起 It all began in Taboulistan,
它是中亚的一个袖珍国 a tiny Central Asian country
卡在阿富汗、吉尔吉斯斯坦 stuck between Afghanistan, Kirghizstan
和塔吉克斯坦中间 and Tajikistan.
事情是发生在 And it all began exactly
有一个小山村叫 in a small village called
卡其布鲁（地名） Kachtebrul.
这就是我，弗鲁兹。 This is me. Feruz.
他是木扎法 And that's Muzafar.
我们是半个兄弟。 We're half-brothers.
木扎法是我爸跟他表妹所生。 Muzafar is the son our dad had with his cousin.
就是那个长胡子的大妈。 The lady with the moustache.
每天早晨 Every morning
我们和女人们 with our women, we do
一起跳 塔布里斯坦 著名的传统舞蹈 the famous traditional dance of Taboulistan,
耳光舞！ the Tawa!
多么欢乐的舞蹈啊！ The dance of joy!
我们的国家叫塔布里斯坦 Our land is called Taboulistan
是一千年前发明的 because our greatest pride
已经有1千年的历史 is to have invented 1,000 years ago
原来的配方 the original recipe
塔布勒沙拉！ for tabbouleh!
小麦巧妙地融合， A skillful blend of grain,
香菜 parsley
西红柿 and tomatoes.
尽管人们认为黎巴嫩还没有发明 In spite of what people think, the Lebanese didn't invent it.
这些狗就是配方！ Those dogs just stole the recipe!
从那时起，世界已经忘了我们的存在。 And, since then, the world has forgotten we exist.
联合国从未认出我们。 The UN has never recognized us.
我们的好兄弟伟大的领袖，哈大大 And that bothers our Great Leader, Hadadad
什么。。。 Wassupbro...
废物！ Idiots!
。。。民选为36年。 ...democratically elected for 36 years.
失败者！ Losers!
没有一个人知道我们这个地方 Not one minister had managed to get our land noticed
直到有一天。。 until the day when...
嘉法 华兹布鲁 Jafaraz Wassupbro,
我们领袖的儿子， son of our Leader,
一个革命性的想法！ had a revolutionizing idea!
恐怖主义。。。 Terrorism...
作为广告！ as advertising!
他的计划是攻击 His plan was to attack
世界上最著名的高建筑。。。 the world's most popular monument...
艾菲尔铁塔！ The Eiffel Tower!
-弗鲁兹，看管山羊的！ - Feruz, watch the goats! -为什么是我？ - Why me?
而这一天， And it was that day,
我和木扎法在聊。。。 as Muzafar and I were chatting...
-我应该淹没在出生！ - I should've drowned you at birth! -冷静下来，你这个老山羊， - Calm down, you old goat.
老山羊？ Old goat?
。。。准备一段冒险的开始 ...saw the start of the adventure
我们要去 法国。 that led us to France.
迎接。 Greetings.
小领袖！ Little Leader!
小领袖 华兹布鲁！ Little Leader Wassupbro!
别紧张，注意点！ Calm down. Gently!
我们首先要到训练营中。 We were first sent to a training camp.
去了解我们新的敌人。。。 And, to get to know our new enemy...
法国！ France!
。。。我们开始学习 ...we started by learning
法国！ French!
这是10个最常用那个单词。 These are the 10 most frequently used words.
重复 Repeat.
你好。 Hello.
你好吗？ How you?
好的！ Basterd!
先生！ Bisch.
Arzhole.
行情表 Fock.
公司。 Bommer.
妈的！ Shite.
再见！ Goobye.
我们还研究了所有的文焕差异。 We also studied all the cultural differences.
法国是一个国家，那里的人没有自由 France is a land where men are deprived of the right
对于妇女。 to hit women.
在法国。 In France,
打女人是不允许的。 slapping women not allowed.
那该怎么说？ But what happens if they speak?
你记住。 You listen.
这是不可能！ Not possible!
你不能阻碍了我们的兴趣。（打女人） You can't treat people like that!
为了渗透进入该国，我们改变了我们的身份。 To infiltrate the country, we changed our identity.
你的法国护照。 Your French passports.
是你的。。。 For you...
杰夫需要一个新的名字。 Jafaraz gave us new names.
成为。。。 I became...
米歇尔！ Michel!
木扎法 你的。。。 And Muzafar became...
亚尼克！ Yannick!
对我来说， For me,
为了使命， for the mission,
我选择使用典型的法国名字。 I've chosen to use typically French name.
米歇尔 Michel Ouellebec.
我不喜欢米歇尔。 Don't like Michel.
米歇尔不好？ Michel no good?
阿林，我的名字？ Alin Ouellebec. My name?
很好！ Better!
快一点！ Faster!
大声！ Louder!
再快！ Faster!
这就是我们如何成为 And that's how we became
士兵在RTT。。。 soldiers in the RTT...
塔布里斯坦革命恐怖分子！ Revolutionary Terrorists of Taboulistan!
。。。现成的机会，用飞机 ...ready to crash the plane of revenge
撞击巴黎的艾菲尔铁塔！ into the Eiffel Tower in Paris!
经过9个月的训练！ After 9 months in training,
我们的选择！ we were the chosen ones!
我很自豪的奖励你 I'm proud to award you
勇气金牌奖励给你。 the Tabouli medal of bravery.
现在。。。 And now...
你只需做到这一点。 you just have to do it for real.
真的？ For real?
我们坐着遥控飞机... We do it with remote-control plane...
这意味着我们会死吗？ That mean we die?
我不想死！ I not want die!
我听不懂。 I not understand.
你告诉我们 You say to us
我心目中的英雄民族没有羊肉串。 we heroes of the nation. Not mutton kebab.
兄弟，一起， Brothers, with this mission,
你将要成为烈士！ you're going to become martyrs!
你可以去天堂！ You go to paradise!
在上帝那里永远都是花园。。。 It's wild up there. Eternal life in pleasure garden...
欢迎的礼物。。。 With welcome gift...
你知道，我不想在死亡。。。 You know, I'm not that keen on dying...
闭嘴！ Shut up.
我不想死。 I not want to die.
什么欢迎的礼物？ What's the welcome gift?
通常情况下，你的套餐有 Usually, the basic package
70个处女，你可以吃自助餐。 is 70 virgins with all-you-can-eat buffet.
颇为有趣的。。。 Pretty interesting...
你这么认为/ You think so?
你确定。 You bet.
你可以肯定他们是处女。 You can't be sure they're virgins.
确定。 True.
不好的在床上，不好的在塔布里斯坦 No good in bed, no good for tabbouleh.
我更喜欢70个成熟女性。 I prefer 70 mature women.
-70个熟女， -我不能。 - 70 mature women. - I can't.
但是我们会死。 But we die.
我们认为这回是我们很开心。 Good deal is when we all happy.
好吧。。。 All right...
熟女和奖金。 Mature women and a bonus gift.
电动剃须刀 Electric razor
为你们的旅行。 for travel.
这是电动。。。 It's electric...
他说的 He say
我们要去疯狂了。 it going to be wild.
你们可以去吃自助餐。。。 All-you-can-eat buffet...
还有喝的？ With drinks?
当然。 Of course.
可乐，柠檬水。。。 Coke, lemonade...
（酒名） Oaziz?
一个月的旅途 And after a month traveling
去了杜尚别 to get to Dushanbe,
阿什哈巴德， Ashgabat,
喀布尔 Kabul
终于在伊斯坦布尔， and finally Istanbul,
我们结束了这架飞机上所需要的 we ended up on this plane that was bound
在法国巴黎 for Paris in France.
费加里 Or rather Figari
科西嘉岛 in Corsica.
如果你不是第一个， If you're not among the first to disembark,
你永远等待。 you wait forever.
警察在看着我们。 Police look to us.
护照没用。赶紧走吧。 Passports won't work. Turn back.
镇定！ Calm!
Do like me. Act innocent. 要微笑
改变一下。 It's not me.
欢迎来到科西嘉。 Welcome to Corsica.
我们现在该怎么办？ What we do now?
我们执行B计划。 We do Plan B.
B计划是什么？ What's Plan B?
我们的的飞机都! We plane now!
会好起来的。 It will be ok.
我们去巴黎。 We go Paris.
可以。把你们的包放到后备箱。 Sure. Put your bags in the trunk.
谢谢你！ Thank you!
-你去哪？ -小偷! - Where he going? - Thief!
骗子！ Crook!
很远吗？ Is it far now?
非常困难。 我找不到科西嘉岛。 Very hard. I not find Corsica on map.
太阳在这 Sun there.
我们去这。 We go there.
你好，老板。 Hello, merchant.
有什么事？ What's this?
我们要去巴黎。 We look way to Paris.
你把握当什么?引导？ What am I? A tour guide?
法国不是很好。 French not very nice.
这里不是法国！ This isn't France!
这里是科西嘉岛。 This is Corsica!
我听不懂。 Don't understand.
去巴黎要再绕一圈。 For Paris, turn round
并且一直往北走 and walk north.
当你看到 白痴们，你就到了！ When you see dickheads, you're there!
谢谢你！ Thank you.
对人要以诚相待！ What a way to treat people!
这有个座位。 Have a seat.
不要理我的哥哥。 Just ignore my brother.
女害虫！ Female scum!
冷静。 Calm.
吃些什么吗？ Something to eat?
是的，老板娘。 Yes, madam merchant.
我们非常饿。。。 We very hungry...
香肠，杨奶酪，甜点？ Sausage, sheep's cheese, dessert?
不，要塔布勒沙拉（家乡口味） No, tabbouleh.
对不起，这不是黎巴嫩餐馆。 Sorry, this isn't a Lebanese restaurant.
塔布勒沙拉不是黎巴嫩的，是填补了三天的。 Tabbouleh not from Lebanon, from Taboulistan.
什么地方？ Where?
什么？ What?
拿破仑！波拿马！给我追！！ Napoleon! Bonaparte! Attack!
Feruz!
滚开！ Let go!
你在干什么？ What you do?
我不想这样.(被GAN） Not my fault.
我们没时间了，快点! No time for that now. Come!
我要杀了你！ I'll waste you!
有人在吗？ Anyone here?
乡巴佬！ Village idiot!
你喜欢角质山羊型的？ You as hardheaded as horny goat!
为什么？ Why?
阿林说的？ What did Alin say?
他说不能打女人了。 He say not hit woman.
这是一个大问题！ If not, big problem!
下一次当你听到一个女人说， Next time you hear woman speak,
你可以想像这个男人， imagine it man,
套在也会这么做，好吧？ that it's same. Ok?
不明白。 Not understand.
弗鲁兹。。。 Feruz...
叫我？ For me?
法国货。。。 France...
时尚。。。 Elegance...
流行耶。。。 Fashion...
口袋。。。 Pockets...
你好，先生，我需要一些 Hello, monsieur, I'd like...
芥末！ some mustard!
巴黎特有的。。。 Paris chic...
晚安，米歇尔。 Good night, Michel.
晚安，亚尼克。 Good night, Yannick.
Tomorrow... Paris!
昂，这是什么？ Ange, what is this?
你说这房子是空的！ You said it was empty!
我不知道。 I don't know.
邻居说的。 The neighbor said so.
我们浪费炸药了？ We waste them?
不，抓住他们！ No, grab them!
进去！ Get in!
我们要用到他们。 We can use them.
读这些。 Read this.
读或解决掉你们 Do it or you'll end up
把头靠近旗子！ with your heads on a flag too!
看着摄像机！ To the camera!
大家好，我是弗朗索瓦锥。 Hello, I'm François Pinete.
你好呀 。 Hello.
我是基督徒的恶瘤 I'm Christian Pinete.
我们将要 We shall be
我坦白 freed in return
放了我们 for the release of...
。。。我们的兄弟，让*旅客多尼科 ...our brothers, Jean-Luc Domenico,
保罗 nini... Paoli de Cinneci...
尼尼 Dinini.
Doumé!
不要哭。 Stop crying.
他们看起来像兄弟 They're nothing like the brothers.
你在开玩笑吧。 The moustaches are fooling you.
对不起他们就是阿尔萨斯口音。 Sorry to insist but they have Alsatian accents.
让我看看。 Let me see.
不想他们！ Nothing like them!
你们是谁，伙计？ Who the hell are you, guys?
米歇尔 Michel Platini.
亚尼克 Yannick Noah.
我可不是蠢蛋！ I'm not fucking stupid!
你到底是谁？ Who are you?
-谁？ -不要拍了！ - Who? - Not shoot!
我们是恐怖分子。我们痛恨法国。 We terrorists too. We hate French.
通常情况下，我不怕的。 Usually, we do terror, not opposite.
不要拍了！ Not shoot!
恐怖分子！ Terrorists!
闭嘴。 Shut up.
闭嘴！ Shut up!
你们的任务是什么? What's your mission?
在法国帝国国家制造自杀式袭击！ Suicide attack on French imperialism!
自杀式炸弹？ Suicide bombers?
不！ No!
自杀式炸弹！ Suicide bombers!
我告诉过你，胆小的山羊！ I told you to keep quiet, you wimpy goat!
杜马，过来! Doumé, come here!
- 放了他们，他们不是。 - Let's waste them. - Cut it out.
他们一点不专业！ They're not the owners!
他们是难民，也许从科索沃货摩纳哥。 They're refugees. Maybe from Kosovo or Monaco.
帮帮他们。 Help them.
我们决定帮助你们。 We've decided to help you.
真的？ For real?
是的。 Yes.
团结 Solidarity.
谢谢你 Thank you!
塔布里斯坦谢谢你们。 Taboulistan thank you.
太阳在这，我们去这。 Sun there. We go there.
这是我第一次看到大海。 This first time I see the sea.
挺有意思吧。 It's interesting.
弗鲁兹。。。 Feruz...
着火了！ Fire!
先生。。 Sir...
先生，看来你需要我？ Sir, can you hear me?
你还好吗？ Are you ok?
你需要帮助。 Here, this should help.
米歇尔。。。 Michel...
起来，米歇尔！ Wake up, Michel!
起来 Wake up!
这，拿着这个。 Here, take this.
我们在天堂吗？ Are we in paradise?
这是地狱！ This is hell!
原始人！ Away, demon!
没关系。 It's all right.
阿林说的这不是西。 This not West as Alin described.
太可怕了。我要回家。 This horrible. We must go back home.
不，我们要继续使命。 No, we continue mission.
你失去了艾菲尔铁塔！ You lose Eiffel Tower!
太阳在那，去那 Sun there, we go there!
这是什么？ What now?
到处都是危险。 I hurt everywhere.
都是你的错。 Is all your fault.
我饿了，我渴了，我累了！ I hungry, I thirsty and I tired!
赶紧走， Move it.
一直走。 Always move it.
不，我累了，我要在这休息！ No, I hurt! I stay here!
好吧，你自己呆在这吧。 Fine, you stay here alone.
我继续，塔布里斯坦望着我们。 I carry on. Taboulistan counting on us.
病魔缠绕着你！ Sick of taking care of you!
一直走，我觉得恶心。 Drive straight, feel sick.
我该怎么小便？你？法国？ What piss me off more? You or France?
停止抱怨。 Stop complain.
你需要我。 You need me.
我们是分不开的。 We two inseparable.
就像牧羊与牧羊人。。。 Like goatherd and nanny goat...
妇女与小胡子 Women and moustaches...
小孩子与手榴弹。。。 Children and hand grenades...
爱和羊。。。 Love and sheep...
法国真漂亮！ France is beautiful!
耶。。。 Yeah...
清洁工不能罢工！ Refuse collectors on strike!
出来。 Get out now.
走。 That way.
火！ Fire!
这是什么？ What this?
这是战争！快跑！ It's war! Run!
弗鲁兹！ Feruz!
你真的还进去！ You really laid into them!
一帮失败者！ What a gang of losers!
我们拉。 We demolished them!
女人打男人！ Women hit men here!
这个国家真是疯了！ They crazy in this country!
让抢帕斯提斯 Let's grab a pastis.
这地方充满行炸弹。 The place is full of sex bombs.
炸弹？ Bombs?
盒装的炸弹！ Packed with bombs!
我门一快去，去买些炸弹。 We go with them. We can buy explosive.
很多恐怖分子在这里。。。 Lot of terrorists here...
托尼，怎么会是？ Tony, how's it going?
他们带我们找妓女。 They bring us to a prostitutes' bar.
看这裙子 Look at skirt
在丛林的边缘。 on edge of bush.
这是不好的。 This not good.
不，不是很好。 No, not good.
托尼，转了一圈。 Tony, pastis all round.
- 渴了吧 - 渴了。 - Thirsty work. - Thirsty.
法国这也有战争？ Is there war on in France?
在法国？ In France?
这不是法国，这里是马赛！ This isn't France, dipstick!
这是马赛！ This is Marseilles!
这不是法国？ It's not France?
不，这里很不一样。 No, we're different.
我们喜欢这。 We have it all.
阳关，大海。。。和朋友们！ Sun, sea... and buddies!
周围的的朋友们！ Buddies all around you!
这里真热。 It's hot here.
拿起你的武器！ Grab your weapons!
我们马赛的朋友们！ We're the Marseilles guys!
我们一定赢！ And we're going to win!
你想找死？ Looking to die?
巴黎足球衫是什么？ What's that Paris soccer shirt?
想要击败，小样？ Want a beating, bud?
赶紧离开！ Fuck the hell off!
贱人！ Motherfuckers!
为什么大家都说“狗娘养的”什么意思？ Why everyone say "motherfucker"? What it mean?
就像 你好的 娘养的。 It's like "hi" or "hello". Motherfucker.
- 娘养的 - 什么？ - Motherfucker. - What?
你叫我们？ Hey, fuckwad, you dissing us?
不，没心 No, no dissing.
孩子，你妈喊你回家。 Go home to mommy, children.
小孩？你才回家! Children? You fuck off home!
我们大屠杀的巴黎人在这！ We massacre Parisians here!
我也要屠杀巴黎人！ I want to massacre Parisians too!
闭嘴！ Shut your mouth!
马赛规则！ Marseilles rules!
滚粗巴黎！ Fuck Paris!
我们在哪？ Where are we?
我们在医院。 We in hospital.
他们在照顾你。 They look after you good.
补救冠军！ Medicine champions!
你睡了3天！ But you sleep three days.
赶紧吃。 You must eat.
快点，这是好东西。酸奶。 Come on, this good. It yogurt.
先生们。。。 Gentlemen...
我们有一些好消息。 I have some good news.
我们去掉了你的一个肾，没问题的。 We removed your kidney with no trouble.
肾？ Kidney?
这是他的鼻子。。。 It was his nose...
他的鼻子？ His nose?
鼻子。 Nose.
- 克里斯汀娜。。。 - 医生？ - Christelle... - Doctor?
他的文件。 His file.
- 肾是什么？ - 没事。 - What's "kidney"? - Nothing.
靠！ Shit!
这在哪？ What happened here?
我忘记了。 I wasn't on intake.
这个肾。。。 It's a kidney...
一个肾？ A kidney?
- 关掉。 - 关掉？ - I was off. - Off?
是的，我关掉！ Yes, I was off!
你不能。你说过要陪我的。 You weren't. You say that every time!
出去！ Cut it out!
对不起，我们没处理好。 I'm sorry, we made a mistake.
我们的这个肾。 We took a kidney
装载你的鼻子上。 instead of mending your nose.
你完蛋！ You sick!
好吧！ Calm down, ok!
你只有一个肾。 You can live with one kidney.
我只有一个肾 I only have one testicle and I manage fine.
好！ Yes!
我的肾。。。 My kidney...
给我放回去。 Give it back.
好运。 Good luck.
很有技术, Technically,
你的不会很长。 it's no longer yours.
- 这是！ - 不。 - It is! - No.
在巴黎。 It's in Paris,
抠门的老太太。 to save an old lady.
给一个肾！ Give kidney!
没有资料没有文档。 Without documents or medical insurance,
祝您愉快！ good luck getting it back!
如果不这样做， If it's not done within 72 hours,
你的肾像蘑菇一样。 your kidney is better flambéed with mushrooms!
你们拿我们制造笑柄！ You're making fun now!
真恶心！ Filthy charlatan!
你快乐了，他没有肾！ You joke, he no kidney!
我也在想办法。 I'm just trying to help.
如果这是你的态度，那我走了。 If that's your attitude, I'm gone.
我的肾！ My kidney!
去比例羊奶。 Go milk billy goats!
我要我的肾！ I want my kidney!
去喂给你的2个保姆！ And go munch grass with your two nannies!
我的肾！ My kidney!
我夭夭恢我的肾！ I want my kidney!
我的肾。 My kidney.
请问。 Hello.
很抱歉对于你的是我很震惊 Sorry but I'm shocked by what I just heard.
我是玛丽安维尔。 I'm Marianne Bouvier.
这真离谱。 It's outrageous.
我的节目《深入》你听说过？ I'm with "In Depth". Heard of it?
估计没有。 Probably not.
我在医院得知你的困难。 I'm reporting on hospitals
我真的想帮你 and I'd really like to help you.
特蕾莎修女没有再次采取行动。 Not the Mother Teresa act again!
- 什么？ - 这就是他。 - What? - Enough.
我一会回来。 I'll be right back.
快点，弗鲁兹 Come on, Feruz, let's go. Hurry.
我们不能不管这事。 We can't miss out on this.
我不能，马修莎。 I can't do it, Marianne.
我有一场拍摄 I have a shoot
在法国北部。 up in northern France.
我不想失业。 With the unemployed.
如果你告诉你的故事，你将帮助他们。 If we tell their story, it'll help them.
如果你想失去你的时间 If you want to spend your time
为弱者战斗，是我的客人。 fighting for the weak, be my guest.
相机。 The camera,
钥匙 在巴黎见。 the van keys. See you in Paris.
好，你离开了你在浪费时间！ Sure, go ahead, piss off. You waste of space!
你要去哪？ Where are you going?
女害虫 Female scum!
不要担心，我不离开。 Don't worry, I'm not with Immigration.
我会弄回他的肾脏。 I'll get your kidney back.
我们不需要肾脏！ We not need kidney!
我要我的肾！ I want my kidney...
你会得到70个人在天堂， You'll get 70 of them in paradise.
我准备死 I ready to die but only with all my parts!
没有人会死，我们会拿回来。 No one's going to die. We'll get it back.
我需要带你们到巴黎。 I'll drive you to Paris if I have to.
- 巴黎？ - 艾菲尔铁塔！ - Paris? - Eiffel Tower!
你带我们去巴黎？ You can take us Paris?
当然，我的车载外面，跟我来。 Of course. My car's right outside. Follow me.
女人还有汽车？ A woman with a car?
法国太疯狂了。 The French are crazy.
我们跟着她，很简单。 We follow her. It's easier.
坏主意快来。 Bad idea coming here.
- 去巴黎？ - 是的。 - Want a ride to Paris? - Yes.
你们相信我。 Then trust me.
你还没看过法国好的一面。 You haven't seen the good side of France yet.
这片土地的人们很明白人。。。 It's a just and humane land, full of understanding people...
- 你好，夫人。 - 小姐。 - Hello, ma'am. - Miss.
44号 Number 44.
我听。 I'm listening.
这医疗差错太可怕了。 There's been a terrible medical error.
他的肾被随便摘除了 His kidney was removed by mistake
他想回到以前。 and he'd like it back before it's transplanted.
我要我的肾！ I want my kidney!
SMM（黑色警报） 严重的医疗事故 Serious Medical Malpractice.
你必须要提交一份投诉书 公诉人 You have to file a complaint with the public prosecutor,
adding the victim's medical file 医疗文件要有
医生的问题 obtained from the doctor in question,
索赔的理由 and a letter justifying the complaint,
为什么要反悔肾脏 why you want the kidney back.
后面 After that,
你需要运行民事诉讼 you'll need to launch civil action
送诉状、赔偿。。。 and submit your complaint for compensation...
但是。。。 But...
补偿办公室 The compensation office
我焖点关门，已经晚了5分钟。 closes at 4 PM, in other words in 5 minutes.
明天是假期。 Tomorrow is a holiday,
周五也是关闭的。 they'll take Friday off,
一直到周末。 then the weekend
周一也罢工 and a strike on Monday.
周二早晨 Go on Tuesday morning.
这已经很忙了 Early as they're very busy
相当缓慢。 and pretty slow.
It should take 4 or 5 years to settle.
All right.
Goodbye.
No way!
We want a guarantee he'll get it back!
Or what?
I want my kidney now!
Give me my kidney
or you give your kidney to me, old nanny goat!
Calm down!
Security!
What?
Give me your kidney too!
Give me break, I did nothing to you.
Calm down!
They're the victims!
It's a scandal, taking kidneys from people!
They have documents?
- No. - Undocumented then?
Right, they're off to the holding center.
The what?
A resort without a pool or turista.
- Only foreigners. - Please!
My kidney...
Stand up!
You're crazy! He's in pain!
Sure.
We know all these gypsy tricks
with their fake chairs and limbs.
- Where is the center? - Up north.
In Toulouse.
Don't worry!
I'll get you out, I promise.
I won't let you down!
Right, Mario and Luigi, we can't verify your identities
so you'll be deported to your home country.
That's it, it's all over.
My kidney's gone for good!
Screw your kidney! We've brought shame on our land.
We'll be executed, we won't go to paradise!
You understand me?
Absolutely. We speak French.
Good, that'll save time. What country then?
Taboulistan.
Seriously? Does it exist? I never heard of it.
Between Afghanistan, Tajikistan and Kirghizstan.
Give me an in-stan to type it!
You're not even on Google Maps.
The only result is a Lebanese restaurant up the road.
We not Lebanese!
There's no extradition treaty so we'll ship you off fast.
Here we go... A flight for Baghdad
tomorrow morning.
Baghdad?
But we not Arabs, we Tabouls.
No beard, only moustache.
Same difference.
- Not same! - 3,000 km away!
A hike will do you good.
You can call your tribe
just over there. Welcome to Club Med.
Baghdad?
What become us in Baghdad?
Alin? It's Yannick Noah.
Five days without news!
I very angry, you filthy trashcan hound!
Now I hear what? You still alive?
I even more angrier!
It not our fault. Plane not go to Paris.
Police arrest us
and send us back.
Shut up!
I swear on my life of mine, if you come back here
and Eiffel Tower standing,
I unleash hell on an old gentleman
I go to fetch from your village...
Yes, Dada!
Say hi, Dada.
Hi.
Hi, Dada!
I bring him to get air, he was too pale.
Very kind, Alin.
Take walk, Dada.
Turn right!
If you hesitate, Dada not always miss bullets.
Get it?
I count on you.
Goodbye, Alain.
Take it, for you.
- What's that? - Money.
500.
We not go Baghdad.
Put that away.
Who do you think I am?
We have ethics here in France.
Ethics?
What's ethics?
No idea.
Then again...
there may be another way...
All right...
It's Croc-Croc's birthday and Fragada
brings him his present.
Come here.
You too.
You're good, you devils.
It's party time.
You're having fun.
Start dancing.
Do it or you're off to Baghdad!
Dance!
I can't dance in this!
Come on, Fragada!
Stop talking and dance.
Not like that!
Make it more sensual!
Rub against each other.
- This is good, huh? - No.
You're so soft...
And you...
You smell of strawberries.
It's disgusting.
No, it's not disgusting, it's natural.
Good evening.
It's so hot this evening, don't you think?
Officer...
I'm ok, I have air-con.
Great...
Croc-Croc doesn't like your present.
You went to so much trouble...
So spank him.
This is weird.
You're weird. Do it!
- I don't want spank him. - Spank!
Come on, we're losing the rhythm!
Spank!
Show naughty Croc-Croc!
- You want spank? - That's good!
I spank, you want that?
No, it's too confused.
Confused, he said!
But you're the one who...
This what you want? Spank?
This is fantastic.
Carry on, I'll get Tornado.
Stop!
Come on!
Hurry!
Fetch your superior now so I can explain!
If they're not examined by a doctor in 10 minutes,
it's a tragedy for them
and the job line for you! Get it?
Madam, I'll be frank with you, totally frank...
I don't give a shit.
I really don't give a shit.
Not even one little turd!
See you, weather girl!
Who's going to punish naughty Croc-Croc and Fragada?
Tornado!
The bastards...
I don't believe it!
Where the hell are they?
You'd rather work all night then!
You can't do this to me!
The hell I can't!
Screw this...
It's Bernard. Two of them got away.
Let me get changed and I'm on my way.
There!
Great...
Shit!
Marianne Bouvier?
What are you doing there?
Marianne Bouvier! Help us!
Climb out!
No, too fast!
Come on, jump!
It kill us!
Hold on!
Look at that asshole!
- What the fuck? - Brake!
You're fucking crazy!
You forgot my trash again.
You nearly killed us for that?!
C'mon, I worked the distance out.
If it was up to me, you'd never drive again.
Thanks to you, the planet's dying!
I do my bit.
I sort my trash. So do yours.
It's recyclable.
Crazy bitch...
We did it!
- We did it? - Yes!
What's with the outfits?
It's complicated.
Why were you on the gate?
I live nearby. I ran out of sugar.
You live near prison?
No, dummy, I was coming to get you.
I had to get you out.
Thank you.
What called?
Marianne Bouvier!
And now we go Paris!
An unusual escape from the holding center.
Two Pakistani illegals managed to get away
dressed as a rabbit and a centipede.
The communiqué doesn't say if the officers were drunk.
The two fugitives are believed to be somewhere near Toulouse.
And now, back to the music.
Good morning. Time for some music
with Charles Trenet...
Good morning.
Sweet France
Dear land of my childhood
Lulled by tender, carefree days
I've kept you in my heart
My village
Look!
Lts steeple, its peaceful homes
Where children of my age
Shared those happy times
Yes, I love you!
And I give you this poem...
This is it?
We in Paris now? That Notre-Dame?
No, not yet.
We're stopping in St Cirq-Lapopie in Dordogne.
Marianne, we must go Paris!
Chill, Ninja Turtle!
You're wanted.
So we're avoiding freeways and tolls.
We have to be more discreet, ok?
- We wanted? - Yes, we wanted.
You'll get noticed, looking like terrorists
in Care Bear suits!
We not terrorists!
Not terrorists, no!
Why flags everywhere?
It's Bastille Day.
The national holiday
to celebrate the Revolution.
They cut off the king's head.
You cut head off your Great Leader?
Celebrate a cut head every year?
It's a bit weird.
We mainly celebrate the values born that day.
Liberty, equality and fraternity.
I have right of way!
Learn to drive, bitch!
Come here and say that!
Come on!
Yeah, fuck off! Go home to mommy, loser!
- Move! - Sorry...
Asshole!
I think I begin understand...
Here, woman is like man.
I told you.
What?
Pretty village.
Very interesting.
My aunt has a house here. No one will bother us.
And I'm starving. Aren't you?
Yes, eat!
Look how handsome they are now they're clean!
Marianne,
you found them at the Gay Pride parade?
Very classy!
Here's to me!
Mind out.
Truffle omelet,
escargots with parsley, foie gras and gizzard salad.
Thanks, Nanette!
This will cheer you up after all your troubles.
- Female scum! - Enjoy it. Dig in.
Try with cutlery!
Forget it.
It's good.
Without the shell,
they're even better.
Better without shell.
Use cutlery!
Like this!
Listen up, people,
this wine is pure nectar.
God may have created water,
but man made St Emilion.
You're in for a treat.
Stand up, everyone.
To the mailman,
his moped
and the jerks waiting for him!
Cheers!
In the eyes!
Glass in the eyes?
Look into the other person's eyes or it's bad luck
and you'll go to hell.
No, I go paradise.
In the eyes!
I feel overcome
by powerful feeling of harmony...
As if someone put in glass
concentrated happiness...
More!
Let's get serious now.
Nanette's sausage and bean hotpot!
With cutlery.
Well?
Very good.
- Isn't it? - Very, very good.
In the eyes!
Is it good?
Very good.
Don't give them any more drink...
Long live grape juice!
France best cooking in world!
Just a second, Moustache Man, this isn't France.
It's not France yet?
When's France?
This is the Southwest.
Yes, it's different.
Here we have fun, we live...
- We have big hearts. - And huge balls!
We have Cantal, Brie and goat's cheese.
Poor Dada.
Thank you. Best eating in all my life.
Thank you, Marianne, but now
we must go Paris.
Not just yet.
After the feast, we fight the flab.
Fight who?
This game is weird.
Marianne, what we do here?
- We must leave! - Just a minute.
You can't refuse.
Go eat stones!
Run!
To the left!
He's one of us
He's soiled his shirt like the rest of us
Muzafar, rugby's new man
Despite his tiny organ
Pin dick!
Marianne!
Marianne, enough!
Stop now!
Enough. I want to go Paris.
One last drink and we'll go.
Do you know Armagnac?
Don't know it.
There's nothing stronger.
Waiter! Three Armagnacs.
Wait. In the eyes!
Again!
It's...
- It's interesting. - Yes.
- Even so... - It's not very strong.
No, it's not strong.
That's Bastille Day!
- France... - Fashion...
You look like a chicken.
I want to eat you.
Look at me.
A photo!
Come dance!
No, I not know how dance this.
I prefer watch you.
Feruz...
I must tell you...
I must tell you something too.
I love you, Muzafar.
I going to give you little kiss!
Don't touch, that's bad!
What you want to say?
Feruz...
I love you too.
We show them what dance is!
It's the Tawa!
That much?
I thought that was the date!
I'll teach you another great French tradition.
The dine and dash.
What is?
Well...
First you drink...
Then you take your things...
And then... you run!
Marianne!
Hey, you!
That's Bastille Day!
We did it!
We lose him!
Where we go?
What you do?
A midnight dip!
Come on in!
I already do sport today.
Come on!
I not know how swim.
Come on...
It's not deep.
It's interesting.
I have one last French specialty to show you...
You have?
What is it?
It's called a "ménage à trois".
I'm too tired to manage anything.
Three managers work faster.
Many hands make light work.
That's true.
Room service.
Uncle found us a car. They may be looking for my van.
I'll just say goodbye.
Ok, you lovebirds?
Get moving!
Feruz, wake up. We must go Paris. Dress!
Good morning.
Not good morning!
We must finish job.
- Can't we stay a while? - No!
Why not?
It's nice here.
I know.
What you do?
Call now. She not here.
Not with her phone!
Hello?
You wet goat!
Who is it?
I didn't mean you.
It's Yannick. We soon arrive in Paris.
Why you not in Paris yet?
It very complicated here.
We not even know if we in France.
But we find very kind woman.
You think you there to go to dancing party?
Hang up, she come back!
For explosives,
metro La Courneuve 10 sharp tomorrow.
10 sharp, La Courneuve.
You explode Tower at 13 hours.
13 hours the Tower.
Or Dada no longer
miss bullets.
No, not Dada.
I count on you.
- Don't do... - Repeat please.
Hang up!
Stop!
Ready?
What's wrong?
5 hours with you is going to be fun.
Let's go.
These will help.
Perfect.
White line!
Shit! The cops!
- You not stop! - Or we charter Baghdad!
Ok, I know!
Drive!
Turn right!
Do something!
Calm down! Are they there?
Yes! No! I don't know!
Broken.
Uncle won't be pleased...
Lost. We never arrive in Paris.
All because of her!
Stop shouting Marianne.
She try help us.
We should never have trusted woman.
Drop the Middle Ages attitude!
Female scum.
They find us?
They armed? They kill us?
No, they're hunters.
They only shoot birds, not people.
Hello, gentlemen.
We wanted to take a short cut
but we got lost.
Do you know if anyone could help us?
Nothing.
It's nothing.
Ok...
Thank you very much.
Savages!
I didn't understand a word.
I think he called Cazenave
to ask if garage open.
He say garage open and come in 20 minutes with tow truck.
Are you making progress on the attack?
Yes, Dad. A minor hitch but nothing serious.
I hope not.
Stop!
I need to pee.
Come on.
Come here!
Yes, Dad?
Remember your brothers
Maruf and Ouloukbek?
No, Dad. I never knew them.
Exactly.
That's because they disappointed me.
So don't disappoint me too.
Get lost now!
Get lost!
Hermet, pack the bags.
- Your bags? - Our bags!
We're taking a trip.
You can't count on anyone.
Here you are.
This is it.
Welcome to Paris.
Paris!
We'll go to the hospital first thing tomorrow.
Don't worry, we'll make it.
Make yourselves at home.
I'm going to... a short break... because...
It's so...
Stop!
What you do?
Come.
But...
We are the RTT.
You now.
Go on, give me hate!
We claim responsibility...
We claim responsibility for attack on Eiffel Tower
on July 16th at 13 hours!
What you do?
What you do? Come back!
What is it, Feruz?
I not really understand what we do here.
Yesterday, I have incredible day.
It's true.
I not want paradise up there now.
I want to live down here.
And live in shame?
For betraying your country, your village
and your family?
We have no choice.
We must finish mission.
What mission? His plan sucks.
Plan A, Plan B...
Exploding people by exploding yourself.
That's shame.
All for a leader we put up with for 36 years now!
I want no more leader!
Cut off his head!
I want
to eat snails,
drink grapes.
I not want explode myself.
I want to have blast!
You let Marianne influence you.
Remember what they did.
You like losing kidney?
No.
And Fragada...
Was that blast?
No way.
So?
I feel more alive here
in one day than in rest of my life.
Coward!
I finish mission alone.
Martyr...
Shame on you, Feruz.
Shame on you.
Muzafar...
Yannick?
Kevin. Move your ass!
Climb on.
Don't take forever.
You don't look like a Yannick.
I am. Yannick Noah.
I'll see how it's going.
Sit here.
I'll come and fetch you.
Ok.
Here you go.
What do you fancy?
Kevin! Set the table!
Just a sec, Mom, I'm working!
Hungry? You like veal olives?
I don't know.
If you're hungry or you like that?
I don't know.
What d'you need?
Explosives.
Man, you're making my day!
You lucky fucker, I'm doing an offer on Semtex.
The terrorist explosive.
10 of these will down the Eiffel Tower.
I want 10!
10? Treating yourself?
No problem.
You won't regret it.
This stuff sells like hot cakes.
It's wild.
Need it gift-wrapped?
No, it's for me.
Ready-to-wear?
Respect, man.
Martyr.
Take a look at this...
The suicide bomber vest. Fully adjustable.
Fucking awesome on you!
I like you so I'll throw in for free
the cell to start the show.
Very kind.
That way you'll come back.
Stop feeling yourselves and come eat!
I'm not feeling myself!
Check this out.
Let me show you this before you go.
What is it?
This is Chouki.
I'll show you.
We've been looking for you.
Why did you leave the hospital?
I don't know.
We have your kidney.
We can operate now.
For real?
Thank you, madam.
You are good person.
A thousand thanks.
Health and prosperity.
She found my kidney!
I put his bomb belt on him.
Get it nice and tight or it won't work.
Just a minute, Mom! What a drag...
You explode squirrel?
Yeah, I have plenty more.
I'm sure he'll come back.
There's something you don't know...
And I can't tell you.
It's ok, I realized.
You're a couple.
You're gay, right?
It's obvious.
You weren't comfortable last night.
You have to find him
and tell him he's screwing up.
What matters is living here with you.
That's why you came to France.
To be free.
You're so right.
But the truth is...
You see...
Let's go, Mr. Ayayaz.
When you're ready,
you press "call".
And he's off to hamster heaven.
Ready?
One...
Two...
Hold on, using the wrong phone would be a bummer.
Is this the one I gave you earlier?
I think it's the other. No, this one...
One...
Two. No, this one.
This is the one. It's this one.
One... two... three...
Hamster hash!
What a blast!
I'll drive you back. This 'hood can be dangerous.
Come on then.
Relax. It's going to be ok.
Excuse me, sir...
- Is that my kidney? - Yes, it is.
Don't worry, it'll all go well.
No time for operation today.
I have important thing to do. I come back later.
Thank you. Goodbye.
What are you doing? He's out of his mind!
Go after him! He can't leave
with his kidney!
Come on!
What's going on?
I go find Muzafar. Operation later.
Are you crazy?
Don't worry, I have kidney!
- No! - Yes!
- You can't do this! - I hold onto it now.
Come on!
- Move, I'm trying to work! - Give me a break!
- It's green for me! - Shut your mouth!
Drive! Hurry!
- Where to? - Eiffel Tower.
That won't be possible.
Traffic's heavy there and you're my last fare.
I can leave you at Porte de Bagnolet...
Why things so complicated in France?
He's crazy. This isn't Fr...
I know, this isn't France.
Exactly, it's Paris. The world's most beautiful city.
A good job France has Paris
to give all the county bumpkins dreams.
Porte de Bagnolet is miles away.
It's where I'm heading.
You're a cab, you go where we say!
Dumb bitch!
Ok, we have no choice.
What this?
Daddy!
Hi daddy!
What's wrong?
Don't worry, we'll find him.
Come!
Thank God!
I couldn't, Feruz...
I couldn't.
It doesn't matter.
I can't kill children.
I won't kill grown-ups either.
I won't be happy in paradise if I kill people.
So I throw bomb in big river over there.
Shame on us, Feruz.
Jafaraz will cut off our heads with rusty knife
on village square!
What if...
we didn't go back?
What if we stayed here?
But Dada...
What about Dada?
Jafaraz said he unleash hell on him.
He's old.
Yes, he's old.
He's very old.
Hey, you lovebirds...
Get a hotel room.
The hospital now?
Look...
I found my kidney!
- Come on. - Let's go.
Wait...
Can we look at tower first?
We'll come back. It's not going away.
You never know.
What's so funny?
Nothing. Why it called Eiffel Tower?
The architect's name was Gustave Eiffel.
He made some crazy stuff!
Look at those two!
He look like...
Little Leader Wassupbro!
- What they do? - You!
Look at bag!
- They bring bomb! - What's going on?
Traitors!
- Terrorists! - Call police. They have bomb!
They have bomb!
Go on, Muzafar!
Like in rugby!
Long live Taboulistan!
- Damn... - What do now?
I one kidney short. Best I take risk.
No, my fault we here!
Stop arguing. Today,
I take care of us.
Run, Feruz!
Out of way!
Go away!
Run!
What he do?
Shit...
There you go.
That's how my adventure in France came to an end.
Poor little Feruz.
A terrorist attack narrowly avoided
at the Eiffel Tower.
Luckily, everyone spoke about my heroic deed.
Even Guillaume Auda.
Marianne was very professional in her first live report
despite her emotion.
Thanks to the sacrifice of two undocumented immigrants,
France still has her greatest symbol.
Feruz Ayayaz, a goatherd aged 35 from Taboulistan,
a cheerful man fond of dancing and goats...
The news even reached them at home.
But just where is Taboulistan?
It's a small land in Central Asia between Afghanistan,
Tajikistan and Kirghizstan.
Our genius was finally recognized
by the whole world.
...proud of inventing
tabbouleh over 1,000 years ago.
And so Taboulistan became
the 194th member of the UN.
The Great Leader was delighted.
And for the last time because the next day,
with the Revolution, they cut off his head!
Kachetebrul found fortune at last
by becoming the country's top tourist destination!
Dada was very happy.
400 euros. My son!
Jafaraz tried to flee the country but...
he had a slight mishap on his way to Switzerland.
But France was the country
that paid me the greatest tribute.
I even had the honor of being received
at the home of the great leader of all the French.
Who is in fact a woman. The French really are crazy!
That hurts.
Muzafar gave a speech
and said lots of beautiful things.
Why did you do it?
Goddam desert dune dickwad!
You will stay
forever in my heart.
If ever I have children,
I'll call them all Feruz.
Even the girls!
In Taboulistan, when someone die,
people have party.
So, for Feruz,
traditional dance,
the Tawa!
As for me, my friends,
don't worry, everything's fine.
Since I saved hundreds of lives
I was sent straight
to paradise!
Where I haven't seen a single virgin or a mature woman.
Nor any terrorists either.
However, the all-you-can-eat buffet
is awesome!
Lemonade, Coke, Oaziz...
It's interesting.
What?
We said not hit woman!
Subtitles: Lan Burley
Subtitling: Eclair Group
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player