Thank you for the clapping. I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
It's the semi-final, which means our five contestants are
running out of time to win crucial Taskmaster points.
Points that could change their lives forever.
Whoever wins this series is guaranteed immortality
through the title of series champion of Taskmaster.
So let's meet the people still clinging on to the hope of winning this...
almighty cranium.
With an average professional age of 41,
our contenders are...
Aisling Bea!
Bob Mortimer!
Mark Watson!
Nish Kumar!
And Sally Phillips!
[applause]
And forever needlessly loitering,
little Alex Horne!
- [cheers and applause] - Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
You are looking especially smug tonight.
Thank you. It's a compliment.
I am, I've had a good day. I've a big day.
I've made some home improvements to the place where you let me live.
Yep.
And I've found out you can put a loo roll dispenser in any room.
Any room. It doesn't have to be in the toilet.
So I've got one in the kitchen, I've got one in the car.
I've got one here. So I've just, um...
- It's... I just feel very... - Oh, he has.
What are you planning to use that for?
It's just in case, isn't it?
If, I mean...
If you make mess here, I'm gonna clear it up with your beard.
[laughter]
- What is... - Yes?
the prize category this week?
Great question. Well, it's a big one.
Drum roll, please.
[silence]
- Today we've asked them... - [laughter]
Today we've asked them to bring in the most surprisingly expensive item.
- Surprisingly expensive. - Surprisingly.
So it's up to you, Greg, as the Taskmaster,
to decide who has brought in the most surprisingly expensive item.
At the end of the show, the person with the most points
will get to take home all the surprisingly expensive items.
OK, so we'll find out how much they cost,
and then I'll look at your face to see how surprised you were.
- That's the system. - That works, doesn't it?
Who shall we start with? Drum roll, please.
[drum roll plays]
[laughter]
Aisling Bea!
- [cymbals crash] - Oh, I won. I can't believe I won!
There was this one occasion where I had to fly to Belfast
at six o'clock in the morning,
and I had 13 minutes before I had to get on the flight.
And I was so tired that I bought access for a 13-minute nap
to the business lounge in Belfast Airport.
OK.
So, for a minute to the pound, it was the most expensive thing I've ever bought.
We can see the voucher.
How surprising the business lounge costs?
Yeah, it's for the Causeway Lounge,
complimentary access at Belfast Airport.
How much do you think complimentary access to the Causeway Lounge would cost?
Well, all I can say is how much I would pay,
and I would pay £40.
Oh. Oh.
It cost £25.
Shall I do my facial reaction to that?
OK, let's have a look.
[laughter]
- OK, do you want to move on to Nish? - Yes, please.
OK, Nish?
I have brought in 100 Euros
because it is surprisingly expensive now to buy 100 Euros.
[Greg] Well, let's see how surprising it is.
[Alex] OK.
- I travel to Spain regularly... - Yes, you do.
and I would have guessed, late 80s? I would have said it was worth...
No, it's 91.
- I would have said 88. - Yeah, it's 91.
- So I'll give you my surprised face. - OK.
- [laughter] - [Alex] Oh.
Who's next?
[laughter]
- What about Bob? - Bob.
Bob?
Hi, I've brought in my World Cup 2014...
football player sticker book.
- [Greg] Let's have a look at it. - [Alex] Yes, there it is.
- [they gasp] - [Mark] Very nice.
[Alex] It would cost an average of £374 to fill the whole thing.
Like if you get lucky, £68 is the minimum you can spend,
but the average person spends nearly 400 quid.
I'm gonna say that that is worth...
twenty English pounds.
We've had it valued at ten English pounds.
[laughter]
[Greg] Who's next?
[Alex] Sally Phillips.
I've brought you a human turd.
[laughter]
OK, let's just go straight to the face, shall we?
[laughter]
I've brought you one of Bob Mortimer's turds.
- [Greg] Wow. - Yeah.
This is gonna take some unravelling, isn't it?
It's going to be professionally dried out
and placed within a resin sphere.
And be just like one of the exhibits in the National Poo Museum on the Isle of Wight.
That's all correct.
So I've brought an example...
This is what it will look like.
This is a fox one, which most closely resembles a human one.
- [laughter] - [Aisling] Oh dear.
How much do you think the whole process of freeze-drying it
and then turning it into a resin ball would cost?
£199.
Get ready for my reaction.
Here it says the process would cost him £800.
[laughter]
£800 to do a fox poo.
But this is a Mortimer poo.
His conservative estimate, the value of Bob's poo,
er, yeah, is between 10 and 15 k.
- [audience gasps] - [laughter]
- We'll milk me! - [Greg] I see.
Can I have one too?
- No, that's the last I'm giving away. - He's a gold machine!
Who's left? Mark?
Mine's a gate where my kids...
- A what, sorry? - A gate.
- A gate? - A garden gate, yes.
My kids like to the play in the garden and it adjoins
one of those sort of communal gardens that you get.
- We can see it. - We've got an image of it, I think.
[Mark] So it's that.
[Greg] Right, let's not mess around. £88 for the gate. Labour, £75.
I've written down here £18,000.
- Yes, um... - [they gasp]
- What? - What?!
- [laughter] - He looks like he's gonna throw up!
[laughter]
[applause]
The communal garden is jointly sort of owned by a residents' association,
so it turns out, if you want a gate that goes onto it,
you have to pay a three-year fee to join that residents' association.
This is like madness, Mark.
So when we win this prize, do we win access to the
- garden as well? - The funny thing is, yes you do.
[laughter]
What is your decision?
This is my decision.
I've got a television, so I know how much the Euro's worth, Nish.
Congratulations, you take your special, traditional role as coming last.
[laughter]
Aisling and Bob, I was quite surprised by the actual final prices.
I didn't realise how much they'd spent per minute napping or per sticker.
I might, if it's alright, I might put them joint next,
and I can't believe it, I don't know why I'm putting
Bob Mortimer's turd in second place, but I am.
I'm gonna put it in second place 'cause I've just
seen the hurt in Mark "£18,000 Gate" Watson's eyes.
Oh, I need this. I need this.
So I have to give him to it. Mark Watson wins this round.
- OK, and we're off. Five points. - [applause]
Right, we're rolling! What's first?
It's this task, precisely, here.
[Alex] Hello, Bob.
Hello, Alex.
Hello, Aisling.
Why have you brought me to this bloody shithole?
Please can I put a blindfold on you?
[laughter]
I can't see a thing now, unfortunately.
How many fingers am I holding up, Mark?
Ah, that's a good example. I can't see that, for example.
Ten?
[Alex] Great.
It was just one.
Well, it is just one, so now I don't know what to do.
[laughter]
[Alex] Alright, we're gonna go for a little walk.
OK.
- I'm gonna hold your hand, is that alright? - I'd love that. Thanks.
Just a little jump here. With me, one, two three...
That's it, and a really big jump now.
[Nish] Yeah.
Go.
That's better.
Bit higher.
That's it.
Some bread.
Are you gonna ask me to feed the ducks?
[Alex] "Wearing that blindfold at all times..."
[Bob] Yes?
"travel as far as possible in three minutes."
"Alex will be at your side at all times
because he is a strong, independent, handsome man."
Right, OK. I feel like that... You've thrown that in.
Thank you.
"On removing the blindfold, you will then have another three minutes
to retrace your steps to your starting position."
- That's here. - Oh, right.
"Longest successful retracing of steps wins."
Erm, do I have to keep my feet on the ground?
[laughter]
Yes, she had a tactic. Some of them did, some of them didn't.
Yep.
The idea...
[laughter]
was pretty good. They had three minutes to get as far as they could.
But they had to get back to exactly the same spot where they started.
So you could just take one step in the three minutes.
Oh.
And you'd get back to where you were,
- but that's not a very long distance. - It's not a very long distance, no.
[she laughs]
[Alex] OK?
Which of our highly intelligent gang are we gonna see first?
Well, we're gonna save Sally for a bit.
[laughter]
We're gonna start with Bob.
Are you ready?
Good.
- Your time... - [Bob giggles]
Your time starts... [blows whistle]
Well, I'm gonna put a piece of bread.
I'm gonna take what I think is the bottom of it off.
Quite like the idea of having this...
shape.
One...
No, I'll take four...
Drops a bit of bread.
I'm doing it very traditionally here, I suppose, but...
I can't think of any other way.
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
I'm gonna remain here.
- You've got 30 seconds. - Oh, fucking...
I didn't come through there!
You've got three minutes to retrace your steps.
Thank you.
Your time starts now, Bob.
Oh, fuck.
I could never have got through there.
One, two, three, four, five.
[Alex] Have you retraced your steps, Bob?
I have.
And that is where I wish to be buried!
There you are, that comes with age and experience.
[applause]
That, I believe, is the traditional cry of the Middlesbrough peat man.
Bury me!
It was like a little adventure, that. It was great.
Yeah, you did very well. You travelled 54 metres
and got back to pretty much exactly the right spot.
You could do what you wanted with the bread,
but you left a trail and that seemed to work.
Yeah, who wouldn't leave a trail?
- Oh, I imagine most of them... - [laughter]
Let's stop there for now.
You have three minutes to do something valuable with your life.
Goodbye for now.
Hello, and, um...
Welcome back.
[laughter]
It's part two and Alex is just desperate to fill us in on the latest.
Thank you, Greg.
So, the current task involves getting as far as you can whilst blindfolded,
and then retracing your steps.
Bob made it look easy.
Shall we see Mark and Aisling next?
- Yes, let's. - OK.
[whistle blows]
I think the only way to do this, really,
is to walk in what I believe to be a completely straight line.
But already, that's not very nice, is it?
OK, Alex. How's your back?
Here we go.
[she grunts] OK.
Go straight that way.
OK.
What's the slice of bread for? Is that just one of those things?
Ah, breadcrumbs. I could leave a trail of breadcrumbs.
Put me down for a second.
I've just realised the point of the toast.
I should've put the toast down where I started.
You've got one minute and ten seconds to go.
Right, in that case, time to be more liberal with the bread.
[Aisling screams] Ow! Ow, ow!
[Aisling] Put bread.
[Alex] Just be aware, now, I would.
Yes, I see what you mean.
Well, I don't see anything at all.
[whistle blows]
[she groans] That was so tiring.
[Alex] Was it?
[laughter]
Thank God I have these handy little crumbs to keep me...
So when I blow the whistle, you've got three minutes...
to work out where we started from.
[whistle blows]
[Mark] Now, where's the bread?
Where's the bread?
- [laughter] - Alright, dog?
I found this old Quavers bag full of water.
We must be close.
Is that where you think you started?
[Mark] Well, roughly.
Why roughly?
Because the blindfold made it very hard to know, in all fairness.
- This is where we started, is it? - Yep.
Thank you, Aisling.
- Thank you, Alex. - Goodbye.
[applause]
I love to see Alex physically punished.
Of course.
So that was a big tick in your favour,
but the bread realisation came late.
Yes, and I did actually have a little munch at the start, as well,
just to have enough energy for the task.
So I didn't have much toast left.
It was the furthest I've ever carried an adult.
My previous record was 120 metres.
I had to take an aunt across a car park at a wedding.
[laughter]
We can see on the map how far I carried Aisling.
OK, she travelled 200 metres.
That's where she started, down there,
and then she sort of staggered back that direction,
but didn't quite get far enough.
So she ended up only 64 metres away from the starting point.
- Oh, but in the right direction. - [Alex] In the right direction.
Which, in life, is not bad.
- And we can compare that to Mark. - Not bad at all.
Mark walked 70 metres south-west.
He then should've gone north-east,
but he carried on going south.
[laughter]
So he ended up 140 metres away from the start.
As you saw, I couldn't find any of the bread,
but it makes sense. It's 'cause it wasn't there.
[laughter]
It wasn't there because, and this is incredible, Mark,
and absolutely indicative of your luck on this show,
your bread was eaten by a dog.
[laughter]
[Greg] Who's next?
Next are two of our most intelligent individuals,
Sally and Nish.
[whistle blows]
Oh, God. I wish I was confident enough to run.
[Alex] Oh, you're running.
[laughter]
[she laughs]
[he yelps]
There was a ditch there, Nish.
[Alex] Yeah, a bit rougher ground here.
[Nish] Forty. I'm counting my steps.
41, 42, 43...
- 61, 62, 63, 64... - I have to warn you-- Stop!
Sixty-seven and then turn to the right.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
[laughter]
Is this bread for any purpose?
[Alex] Bit bumpy here.
[Alex] Ten more seconds. Be careful.
[Nish] Ow, ow, ow, ow!
[whistle blows]
[Alex] OK, you've got three minutes to get back to your starting position.
[whistle blows]
[laughter]
Oh.
I've literally no...
I think I got to here and stopped.
Yes, this where you stopped. Yes.
[laughter]
I think it's over...
Did, like...?
[she exhales]
You've got one minute left, Nish.
[laughter]
OK, I think I didn't go that far.
I think it was...
Hmm.
You've got ten more seconds, Sally.
- [laughter] - [whistle blows]
[Nish] Why did I not use the bread?
[applause]
Well, I just want to start by asking you both a very specific question.
So what did you think the bread was for?
Holding, Gregory.
Sally?
Right at the end, I went,
"Shit, I should have used this as a compass!"
[laughter]
I think the thing that startled me about you, Nish,
is if you've got a pet dog at home and you blow in its face,
it absolutely baffles the dog,
absolutely confuses it,
and that was Nish's face throughout this entire task.
The bread seemed to weigh you down, 'cause when you walked,
you just went in a circle.
You took 300 paces, but travelled 15 metres.
- Do you wanna see some stats? - Yeah.
Sally travelled 220 metres and then headed back in the right direction.
She ended up just 74 metres away.
- [Nish] What?! - So, not too bad.
- She ran all over. - [Nish] Oh, my God.
- But more by luck than judgment. - [Nish] That's really good.
Yeah.
[applause]
Nish ended up just 15 metres from the starting point,
and then walked 180 metres
in the wrong direction.
- [laughter] - Ended up 195 metres away.
But it's one point to Nish, two to Mark,
three to Sally, four to Aisling, and five to Bob Mortimer.
[cheers and applause]
Let's take our first look at the score- board at this juncture, Alex.
OK, there's a three-way tie for second place,
and Bob is one point ahead of them. There we go.
[cheers and applause]
Alex Horne, what's next?
OK, we're going to have our equivalent,
the Taskmaster equivalent of the Winter Olympics.
Oh, shit.
[laughter]
Uh-oh!
I already know I'm going to be brilliant at this!
Well, I dunno, really. I don't know about this already.
This looks scary.
[Alex] Hello, Bob.
Hi there.
"Muster the biggest coconut bobsleigh team."
"Most coconut bobsleigh team members still on board..."
"when their bobsleigh comes to a halt wins."
"You may only use items in the caravan to secure your coconuts."
"You will be disqualified--" That's interesting.
"You will be disqualified if you use any item used by another contestant."
Impossible to know what they've used, though, of course.
"You have 20 minutes and one attempt."
"Your time starts now."
To the caravan!
[applause]
It is amazing how some games on this show
can just give us a brief window into the souls of the competitors.
I've written down everything that they said.
Bob said nothing, he just got on with it.
Aisling said, "I already know I'm going to be brilliant at this!"
which is incredible.
Mark said, "Oh, I don't know about this."
Sally said, "This looks scary."
And Nish went, "Oh, shit!"
[laughter]
Who are we gonna see first?
We're gonna have a look, first of all,
just to see how to do it, Mark Watson.
Oh dear.
By coincidence, there's a coconut harness in here.
If you deployed this correctly, you could put quite a lot of coconuts in it
and tape it to the skateboard.
This is like a prisoner's dilemma or something.
We might think everyone's gonna do it and then no one does it.
Right, let's think about this. Still plenty of time.
Er...
There's an apron here, I don't...
Ah, Blu Tack!
I've found some blue tape.
It is basically about going completely virgin
and just shoving all the coconuts on and hoping for the best,
which is not the worst way of doing it.
Oh, there we go. Now that's what we don't...
That's what we don't want to happen.
[laughter]
I mean, that's more than you'd have in a real bobsleigh team, I think.
Oh, this is heavy.
It mustn't upturn. If it upturns, we do have a problem.
And stay on, stay on, stay on, stay on!
Stay on!
[laughter]
Pfft, I'll take it. I'll take it.
Well done, boys.
If anyone gets disqualified, then I've beaten them.
[Alex] Well, thank you, Mark.
Well, thank you for the opportunity.
[Alex] Bye-bye.
[applause]
Pretty powerful motivational shit you were shouting there.
I had the idea that more of them would stay on if I yelled at them.
We'll never know, 'cause we didn't do a trial experiment.
Just "stay on", as well. Stay on, stay on
Stay on, stay on. Sometimes I say it to myself when I'm just trying to...
[laughter]
I should say, it didn't have to cross the finishing line,
it's when the skateboard came to a halt.
Yeah.
Nevertheless, yeah, he put 19 on.
The harness would have held 18.
Yeah.
- Two stayed on. - I admit it is not a great score.
- But I... - We'll see.
It's a score, though.
Any score. I'm hoping that maybe someone didn't do that.
Beep!
Yes, that's the end of part two.
Bye!
[laughter]
Part three, Alex?
[laughter]
Thank you, Greg. That's right.
Hello, my name is Alex Horne.
I'm gonna be 40 next year.
[laughter]
The brave contestants are trying to send as many coconuts
down a ramp, on a skateboard, as possible.
The goal: to have the most coconuts on the board once it's come to a stop.
But if they use the same caravan-based items to secure their coconuts
as anyone else, they're gonna be disqualified.
We're gonna see Nish and Aisling now.
Whoa.
Can I put the coconuts in this thing?
[Alex] What is that?
It's a coconut harness.
I suppose so.
How do I know if other people have used it already?
Do you think they might use the coconut harness?
Yeah, I think they're probably gonna use the coconut harness.
I'm definitely gonna use...
some of this fire hydrant stuff.
That'll be sticky, won't it, Alex?
[he chuckles]
But what if someone has used this?
- [laughter] - Oh, God!
This game is so hard!
So I'm creating a larger surface area, Alex,
to put the coconuts on.
I assume that's fine, Alex?
[Alex] As long as no one else uses it.
God, I hate this game!
[laughter]
I just wanna make, like, a sort of barrier...
so the coconuts don't fall off.
[Alex] So it's a banana barrier.
Doesn't quite fit.
How's this work, then?
"Pull off the ring."
"Use upright, aim at base of fire."
See how that works.
I think-- [she screams]
Quick, get it on the thing! Don't waste it on that!
[laughter]
Ah, Alex, you've ruined it.
Oh, God! It's so heavy!
[she grunts]
[she gasps]
It is bloody heavy.
Oh, God. Oh, it's gonna... not gonna work.
Argh!
We have the classic underdog.
Sometimes, in life...
you have to dare to dream!
[laughter]
For Ireland... is the greatest bobsleigh country...
in the wo-o-o-o-orld!
Come on, lads!
Keep going!
Ireland's the greatest country...
in the wooorld.
ooorld.
Yeeaah!
[applause]
Well, she said she would be good at it,
and I thought Aisling absolutely smashed that.
[Alex] Yeah.
Thanks, Greg. Compliment.
I think that is the first ever use of the banana barrier.
- [laughter] - I think you may own the banana barrier.
It also is biodegradable, edible.
After you've finished using it for anything,
you just go back and go... [nibbling noises]
Eat it.
[Greg] You do.
- Nish. - Nish.
Yes, hello.
What a great achievement I had, as well.
Yeah.
It started off brilliantly. It looked like you were gonna get the whole team down.
It wasn't bad, either. He put 35 in. No one so far has used the same item.
Thirteen stayed on. Unlucky 13.
Yeah.
Thirteen alive?
Thirteen alive. Unlucky number.
And how many, sorry, did Aisling get?
Fourteen.
[they gasp]
Oooh, suspense, Nishi.
You should have held your boys in with fruit.
[laughter]
- Not the first time that's been said to me. - Gotta use the banana barrier, guys.
Who are we gonna see now, Alex?
Bob and Sally now.
[Aisling] Woo!
- Only one attempt? - [Alex] Yeah.
So I can't test this on there.
You can test, but when you're actually doing your attempt, that will be the one.
OK, I might just... I might just...
I might just...
[laughter]
[both laughing]
[she laughs]
Gonna have a look in the caravan.
Well, I have a plan, people. I have a plan.
Coconut harness. Yeah, it's so tempting.
"If I use that, I'm disqualified." Everyone will think that.
So should I just use it?
And we can all move on, you know?
Oh, I don't know whether I should just do this one and not try to be clever.
OK... I've got a plan.
Have you taken down my curtain?
Yeah.
Now I'm thinking everyone's gonna use the curtain.
[laughter]
So they're going in the curtain.
Yeah. I mean, yeah.
Ooh, they are heavy.
Shit!
- [laughter] - Oh, we've lost two!
- Good luck, Bob. - Thank you.
It's not me being shithouse. I can't get any...
[laughter]
That's my attempt.
[Alex] Thanks, Bob.
I see myself coming down that ramp
with all the coconuts in a beige velour curtain bag
like some kind of sick Santa.
- [Bob] Uh-oh. - [Aisling] Oh, no!
Right.
[audience groans]
[she strains]
Yes. OK.
[she grunts]
Right, now...
Just need to... Here we go...
Ye-e-e-e-es!
[applause]
I mean, that has got to stick in your craw, hasn't it?
Soz.
- Honestly, I'm just thrilled... - [Bob] Sorry.
that my mind works, sometimes,
in the same way as the venerable Bob Mortimer.
Hey, Greg, but would you have allowed it?
Would I have allowed yours?
Either of them.
I would have allowed Sally's.
The coconuts were on the skateboard.
And mine were beside the skateboard.
[laughter]
[Bob] I get you.
Sometimes my job gets done for me, doesn't it?
[laughter]
It does mean that Bob and Sally don't get any points for that.
Then it goes Mark with three, Nish with four,
- Aisling Bea wins the task! - [Greg] Boom!
[cheers and applause]
What do we have coming up next, Alex?
I'm afraid we're gonna mess with Nish's brain again.
It's another bloody referendum.
[they groan]
Oh.
Just trying to look natural on camera.
This does not look authorised.
"Vote for which contestant you think should receive five bonus points."
"The contestant who receives the most votes will receive five bonus points."
"You may vote for yourself."
"If, however, you vote for yourself and fail to receive most votes,
you will lose two points."
Ah, there's a polling booth there. Lucky.
That's convenient, actually.
See, if I vote for myself...
I'm at risk.
But on the other hand...
I do think I should receive all the bonus points.
The guys will all vote for themselves,
except... Bob, who is a kind of wild card.
And Aisling and I will vote for other people.
[Nish] Passed my vote.
Done.
Democracy.
[applause]
So they're voting for someone to get five bonus points.
I guess the tactic is to vote for who you think is the weakest person,
- to improve their score. - [Greg] Yep.
Sally voted for Bob, Bob voted for Sally.
- [Alex] That's nice. - [all] Aww!
[Alex] Aisling also voted for Sally.
Aww.
So far, so true. So far no one's voted for themselves.
- Yeah, but... - What do you think Mark and Nish did?
I mean...
[laughter]
They voted for themselves. Exactly what Sally said came true.
Sally gets five points. They both lose two points.
- [Nish laughs] - [applause]
[Alex] It was incredible.
The scoreboard now looks very even. It looks like this.
Sally and Aisling are both at the top,
followed by Mark and Bob,
and there's Nish.
There we go. The scoreboard.
[applause]
That is fast becoming the subtitle of this series.
- "And there's Nish." - "And there's Nish."
[laughter]
OK, we've got time for another one, right?
Jolly good. Here you go.
Bonjour, Alex.
[Alex] Hello, Aisling.
Oh, right, fine. Don't reply in the language I came in with.
[Alex] Hello, Sally.
Hi. Is this an art task?
I'm wearing day-of-the-week socks.
But it's the wrong day.
I don't give an S.
Primary school.
- Feeling. Vibe. - [Alex] OK.
Just saying.
[Alex] Was it a happy time?
- For me? - Yeah.
My first day wasn't.
Someone had done a poo in the sandpit.
[laughter]
"Make a funny little flick-book film."
"The mat beneath your feet..."
[quietly] "...is the paper."
"The camera above your head will take photos of your paper."
"Funniest little flick-book film wins."
"You have one hour."
"Now flick the flick-book."
"Your time start... Your time sta..."
"Your time s... Your time... Y."
I did it backwards, didn't I, Alex?
[laughter]
[applause]
Er, who shat in the sandpit?
- [laughter] - I'll never know.
I remember it was sweet.
- [laughter] - That's all I remember.
I mean, at that age, something brown and cylindrical, it's going in.
- [laughter] - Pop it in.
So, uh, we're gonna see Bob's first,
who did an instructional video on how to peel a banana.
[laughter]
- [laughter] - [audience gasps]
- [cheers and applause] - That was amazing! I fucking loved that.
We have, of course, made it into a flick-book. There it is.
- Wanna have a go? - That's a work of art.
- That is... - It's technically excellent.
Really satisfying, Bob.
It really was exceptional. Who's next?
Uh, do you want to see Sally's one?
- Oh, yes. - OK, this is Sally's.
[Sally meows]
Le chat boing-boing. Le chat boing-boing.
Le chat boing-boing. [she gasps]
Les chapeaux! Uh-oh, attention, chapeaux!
Ils sont dangereux. Oh, non!
Oh, non, petit chat!
Les chapeaux!
[she screams]
Le chat a été mangé par les chapeaux. Uh-oh!
Fin.
[laughter and applause]
Do you want me to... I could translate it while you look at the flick.
My French is not all that, so if you could translate it into English,
I think I'd get a full understanding of the film.
"The cat is boing-boing. The cat is boing- boing. The cat is boing-boing."
"The hat. Uh-oh, watch out for the hats! The hats are dangerous."
"Oh, no, little cat! The hats!"
"The cat has been eaten by the hats. Uh-oh."
- [laughter] - It's better in French, isn't it?
- End? - End? Oh, sorry. End.
And if you eat bananas, the chat definitely boing-boings.
[laughter]
Right, quick break.
One part to go, and that features a live task,
so until then, or perhaps for ever,
goodbye, everyone.
Hello. Welcome back to every single one of you.
Alex, what were we doing before the break?
We were having a good old flick.
- [laughter] - Who's next?
Do you want to have a look at Aisling's?
- Yes, please. - OK, this is more complicated.
Hmm.
[laughter]
[dog panting]
[heavy thud]
[popping sounds]
[flies buzzing]
[squelching noise]
[applause]
[Bob] It is complicated.
I want to, if I may, drill down into the narrative,
because I do think this is an allegory.
Yes.
My perception is that you think that love
is jumping at the wrong man
him deflecting you
and, by chance, you ending in the arms of the right man,
and then you're forced to eat shit.
[laughter]
Yeah, that's actually it. Yeah.
Ring my mother, she'll tell you that's pretty much my relationship history.
Because when you meet the right guy, you think,
"Oh, this is gonna be great. This is gonna be amazing."
And they're like, "No, I brought all my past issues."
[blows raspberry]
[laughter]
In the form of dog shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, from this other bitch I was seeing.
[laughter]
[Greg] Who's next, Alex?
Two left to see,
and the first of the last to see is Mark Watson.
[gentle guitar music plays]
[laughter]
[melancholy music plays]
[jaunty music plays]
[laughter]
[applause]
Well, you should all know that Mark and Alex
have been friends for 20 years, so...
And most of it's been like that.
Yeah, some real beauty there.
It was a very simple story of friends getting together,
sharing some experiences, falling out because of the selfishness of one of them,
and then that friend atoning for it.
You atoned with a kiwi fruit.
Atoned with a kiwi fruit, the traditional method.
- And you ate the kiwi fruit together. - We did, yeah.
I don't know, were there slight homoerotic undertones?
Slight?
Well, that kind of stuff does really well at the box office, so yeah.
Oh, OK.
I thought it was really touching,
and I loved the way we could see your pants all throughout.
Le chat dans le pantalons.
[laughter]
We are gonna see the chat one more time now, if that's alright?
Yeah.
We're gonna see the final film, Nish,
who did feature le chatty boing-boing.
Oui.
[Alex] Here it is.
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
Où est le chat?!
Le est dans le Nish.
[laughter]
Oh, that is an absolutely savage piece of filmmaking.
[laughter]
I can barely separate them.
- But if I had to... - Which you do.
Purely on artistic merit,
if I were to give two films the edge,
I would give Bob and Nish's pieces of work the edge.
They were technically very proficient.
- So five points to both of them? - I would give five points to them.
Then the other three, who I also hugely enjoyed,
I would give three points each.
Oh!
OK, so we've got two first places, and three third places.
[Alex] That's how it works. Three third places.
[applause]
Oh, God, d'you know what?
I've just been wondering, what are the series scores like?
I thought you might mean that. Well, I've got them here.
It is tight. We've got Nish Kumar on 90.
Yes!
And then we jump up a bit. We've got Sally...
[laughter]
Sally's on 112.
[Nish laughs]
[Alex] Aisling on 114, Mark 115, Bob 117. It's within five points.
- [audience gasps] - Within five, and then Nish.
[applause]
- It's between Aisling and Sally in this episode. - [Greg] Let's have a look.
[Alex] 15 points each at this stage. One task to go.
[applause]
Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
[cheers and applause]
Hello, Greg.
Hello, Alex.
Would you please tell me who's going to read out tonight's final task?
It's gonna be Aisling Bea.
Thank you, sir.
[laughter]
Perfect.
"Send the most things to the Taskmaster."
"Items must travel via zip line and land on your segment of the Taskmaster's table."
"You may not move from your current position."
[Mark] Yeah.
"You have..." [she gasps]
"100 seconds!"
OK, yeah, I'll blow the whistle to start.
It was very dramatic. It was very dramatic.
I realise I'm not a very dramatic person, yeah.
OK, so you've got 100 seconds. Good luck.
Your time starts... [blows whistle]
[audience cheers]
[Alex] Stay on the mat, please, Aisling. Stay on the mat.
- Do stay on the mat, please, Bob. - Sorry.
[Alex] Do stay on the mat. Do stay on the mat.
[Nish] Oh, what? How's he done that?!
Bob Mortimer, basket in.
[Alex] Oh, we've got a problem here. Oh, you must stay on the mat.
- [Alex] Yes? - Can I get the wire?
Real problems here. She let go of it, but she must stay on the mat.
[Nish] Come on, the bra! No!
Fuck off!
She's on the mat.
[cheers and applause]
You've 35 seconds left, 35 seconds left!
- Come on, shoe! - [Alex] The shoe's on!
[Nish] Damn you! Damn you, I'll see you in hell!
[laughter]
Why can't I get the coat hanger on there? Come on, you prick!
[laughter]
[Alex] They must travel via the zip wire.
Stay on your mat, please, Aisling.
- Come on, you prick! - Stay on your mat, Aisling.
Stay on your mat. Stay on your mat.
You stupid monkey prick!
[Alex] You've got five seconds left.
[Alex] You've got three seconds left.
Two, one... [blows whistle]
[cheers and applause]
Come down and we'll see how that's affected the final scores!
[applause]
Well...
Varying degrees of skill there, Alex.
I was very concerned for your safety, Greg.
Yes, so was I, Nish.
[laughter]
Sometimes you get caught up in the heat of the moment
and you chuck a coconut at a massive white dude.
[laughter]
Unacceptable. Nul points.
Um, I thought it was a lovely juxtaposition.
At one point, Bob was just very delicately sending paper clips down.
[Greg] And very effectively. And just to his right, Aisling was shouting,
"Get down there, you monkey prick."
[laughter]
Um, how did Mark do?
Er, Mark did pretty well. He got five things down.
He started with the... How did you get the balloons down there?
In the little basket.
He put the balloons in the little basket.
Everyone had a nice run with the basket, I noticed.
Not Sally, because she dropped the rope.
[laughter]
So, no points for Sally?
Well, it depends how you want to dish out the points.
Are you disqualifying Nish for throwing coconuts at you?
No, I'm not going to disqualify Nish,
because, let's face it,
the guy's broken.
[laughter]
So it's Sally, then Aisling,
then Nish in third, who got four things in,
Mark got five. Bob, eight items.
Wow!
[cheers and applause]
There's a change in the leaderboard.
The leaderboard now looks like this!
The winner is Mr Bob Mortimer!
[cheers and applause]
Well done, Bob. Will you please head to the stage
and have fun fondling your surprisingly expensive items!
[cheers and applause]
How much loo roll do you have left, Alex?
I've got 84. Enough for three more dirts.
[laughter]
So what have we learnt today?
Nous avons appris que les chats
est dans les chapeaux,
et les chat est dans Nish.
Le chat ils fait mort.
Et Alex c'est un dick.
[laughter]
That's it for another Taskmaster.
Well done to Bob and see you next time for the grand finale!
Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]