1 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:44,993 I'll take him. 2 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:19,191 Jimmy MacElroy. The crowd swooning as he comes out of that spin flawlessly. 3 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:23,076 They are giving him the love and he is giving it right back. 4 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:29,752 Here it comes. 5 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,677 And he nails it! 6 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:36,192 It's the best he's been. 7 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,312 Now there's the arm. 8 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,159 And you know what that means. 9 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:45,352 Yes. The galloping peacock. And look at him getting air on that. 10 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,472 Flawless. Just textbook perfection. 11 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:53,194 There are very few women in the history of this sport 12 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,436 that skate with this kind of beauty. 13 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:57,791 Come on, Jimmy. Nail it! 14 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,278 Ending the programme showing his flexibility. 15 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,391 What a great effort! 16 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,192 He couldn't skate any better than that. 17 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:15,914 The performance of a lifetime, Jimmy MacElroy! 18 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,429 Elegant with machine-like technical precision. 19 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:19,515 And there it is. 20 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:23,110 So important to remember that that dove was in his suit the whole time. 21 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,356 Jimmy's renowned for his personal hygiene, Scott. 22 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:28,080 But after that performance, he's starting to reek of gold. 23 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:28,398 But after that performance, he's starting to reek of gold. 24 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,238 While the judges decide Jimmy's fate, 25 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:32,828 Iet's take a look at this exceptional young skater. 26 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,232 He is a child of privilege. 27 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,920 A classic skater defined by elegance, precision 28 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,156 and an ability to endure great pain. 29 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,431 He was plucked from an orphanage at age four 30 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,028 by billionaire champion-maker, Darren MacElroy. 31 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,398 Once a breeder of some of the most successful racehorses in the world, 32 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:49,635 Darren had turned his attention 33 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,399 to nurturing athletically advanced human orphans. 34 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:56,638 His ultimate find came in the form of skating wunderkind, Jimmy. 35 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,115 I guess I had a pretty normal childhood. 36 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:01,119 With his father's state of the art, 37 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,515 some say questionable, training methods, 38 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:07,599 this child prodigy was forged into an uber skater. 39 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,553 Soon, Jimmy was sweeping the gold 40 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,478 while his trademark Jimmy curl was sweeping the nation, 41 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,831 with kids of all ages fashion drafting right behind their idol. 42 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,155 A champion, an icon, a giver. 43 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,990 Jimmy MacElroy, skating's Little Orphan Awesome. 44 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,354 -Well, Coach? -You nailed it, Jimmy. You nailed it. 45 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,994 You nailed it shut. Every move exactly like I showed you. 46 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:32,553 I am so proud of you. 47 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:35,035 Thanks. Dad, what'd you think? 48 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,628 Decided on our own to do a little flourish off the triple, did we? 49 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,910 Look, I knew I had it. I just felt like it needed a little... 50 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:43,510 Feeling? We're feeling now? What are you teaching this boy? 51 00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:44,629 Jimmy! 52 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:48,639 I sent you a cup of my blood! Did you get my blood? Jimmy! 53 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:50,591 Please don't encourage them. Come on. 54 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:51,709 Move! 55 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,159 They may look cute and innocent but they're nothing 56 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,998 but a beehive for germs and bacteria. 57 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,271 -Remember the slides I showed you? -But they're beautiful. 58 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,308 You smell like a winner! You want to smell like... 59 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:02,953 -Ladies and gentlemen... -Jimmy! 60 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:04,559 -I'll call you! -...the judges' scores are:. 61 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:09,515 5.9, 5.9, 6.0, 62 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:13,758 5.9, 6.0, 5.8. 63 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,440 All right, not bad, not bad. As long as that 5.8 doesn't kill us. 64 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:17,754 Hands. 65 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:19,668 Skittles. 66 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,558 Hey, MacElroy. Was that your routine? 67 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,353 Or a performance of Cirque du So-lame? 68 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,435 Besides, you're too late. 69 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,152 They already handed out the girls' medals this morning. 70 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:31,269 Shut up, Michaels. 71 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,949 That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo. 72 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,548 I was on Quaaludes. I don't even remember Oslo. 73 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:38,999 But I remember Boston, 74 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,031 and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie 75 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:42,593 for which the town was named. 76 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:48,950 Step aside, home school. There's a new sheriff in town. 77 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:51,835 Chazz! 78 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:59,949 There he is. Skating's outlaw, Chazz Michael Michaels. 79 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:09,150 This cowboy is cracking his whip on the haunch of this crowd, and they love it! 80 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,993 How do you describe something like that? 81 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:24,474 He just uses everything at his disposal. The movement, the music. 82 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,194 And he just nails the triple Axel! 83 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,756 Surfing a tsunami of swagger right now. 84 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,519 Well, you know he is sex on ice. 85 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:51,839 Hello, ladies. Typical of Michaels, it's not enough just to win. 86 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,428 He wants to make love to the crowd. 87 00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:58,432 That's why those seats are so valuable. 88 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,313 That's what they want from Chazz Michael Michaels. 89 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,597 Michaels just slipped MacElroy a very public note. 90 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,995 You have been called out, sir. 91 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,399 You're welcome, Stockholm. 92 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,909 Unreal. An instant classic. 93 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,792 Just when you think you've seen it all, 94 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:33,230 Chazz Michael Michaels walks in with the unrated version. 95 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,477 The undefeatable underdog, ice skating's backdoor lover, 96 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,592 Chazz Michael Michaels has come in here and captivated this arena 97 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,836 Iike a stack of classic Euro porn. 98 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,791 And so while his scores are being tabulated, 99 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:47,515 Iet's learn a little bit more about skating's Leather-clad Lothario. 100 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,399 Chazz Michael Michaels, an ice-devouring sex tornado. 101 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,636 Spawned in the hell-fires of Motown. 102 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:56,795 Troubled childhood? 103 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,874 If you call being a nine-year-old kid with a 35-year-old girlfriend troubled. 104 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,675 At age 12, Chazz escaped a life of running cigarettes and illegal fireworks 105 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:08,998 by becoming a star in Detroit's underground sewer skating scene. 106 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:12,835 The only skater to win four national championships and an adult film award, 107 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:17,078 which is not to say this rough-hewn heartthrob doesn't have a softer side. 108 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,715 He recently published a book of poetry, Let Me Put My Poems in You. 109 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,150 Before a big competition, I like to work with leather. 110 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,350 The Native Americans always said 111 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,233 that working with hides and pelts releases the soul. 112 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,715 These are a couple of diaper bags I made for Faith Hill. 113 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,632 Two men, only one winner. 114 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,990 Will it be Chazz Michael Michaels? 115 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,793 Personal philosophy:. clothing optional. 116 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,198 Hope you brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold. 117 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:45,639 That was disgusting. 118 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,671 That, young man, is how babies are made. 119 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,995 -Get out of my face. -I'll get inside your face. 120 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,109 Mr Michael Michaels, 121 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,037 please gather your coach, family, and friends 122 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:54,957 and move to the bench to await your scores. 123 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:58,038 Hey, traffic cop. Get this straight. I don't have a coach. I don't need one. 124 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:01,948 And as for friends and family, Chazz Michael Michaels walks alone. 125 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,550 That's why they call me the Lone Wolf, on my back there. 126 00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:10,231 5.9, 5.9, 6.0... 127 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:11,509 That's what I'm talking about. 128 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:14,154 5.9, 6.0... 129 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:15,759 Another 6.0. 130 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:16,995 ...5.8. 131 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,519 Was it good for you, Stockholm? 132 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,200 'Cause it was good for me. Let's have a smoke. 133 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:22,675 Eat that, MacElroy. 134 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,519 Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied. 135 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,552 -Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie. -You're high. 136 00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,750 From the United States, Jimmy MacElroy 137 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,678 and Chazz Michael Michaels. 138 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,319 You're fired. 139 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,317 What? I brought you a gold medal. 140 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:40,873 No, you brought me half a gold medal. 141 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,595 If I wanted him to share, I'd have bought him a brother. 142 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:48,190 It's raining men in the men's singles. Men wearing gold, that is. 143 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,471 And they join Team USA's other gold medallists, 144 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,478 the pairs team of Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg. 145 00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:58,274 Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg, 146 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:01,073 America's brother and sister darlings, 147 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,158 the gold standard of pairs figure skating. 148 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:06,909 Children of beloved Swiss skiing gold medallists, 149 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,758 Otto and Ella Van Waldenberg, 150 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:13,510 the twin dynamos Stranz and Fairchild burst out of the womb and onto the ice 151 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:16,393 while their sister, Katie, cheered from the sidelines. 152 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:21,355 Theirs seemed to be a charmed life until March 1 4th, 1 987 153 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,633 when their parents died tragically in a car crash. 154 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,353 Katie would survive. 155 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,517 The world wondered, had Stranz and Fairchild gone into a layback spin 156 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,437 from which they could never recover? 157 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:32,993 But the siblings' commitment was such 158 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:36,237 that they were back in the training rink within hours of the funeral. 159 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,352 So tonight, the crowd cheers on their beloved Van Waldenbergs. 160 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:40,913 Well, Stranz and Fairchild, 161 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,031 how heavy is that gold around your necks? 162 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,869 Scott, this may be solid gold but to us it's lighter than air 163 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,831 because dreams never weigh you down. 164 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,757 No. Dreams are in your sleep. 165 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,633 What about the amazing Michaels and MacElroy? 166 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,193 Two gold medals? 167 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,073 Yeah. That's great. 168 00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,349 Well, speaking of gold medals, 169 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:00,515 the winners of the men's singles 170 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,677 are taking their place at the podium right now. 171 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,479 This has to be a proud moment for Michaels and MacElroy. 172 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,114 You have to think, the only thing sweeter than winning a gold medal 173 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,356 is sharing it with your fellow countryman. 174 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:18,469 Gosh, I'm getting sick. 175 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,158 You smell like aftershave and taco meat. 176 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,794 Yes, I do. Now scoot over. 177 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,040 Don't touch me. Nobody touches me. 178 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:26,593 -Just scoot over, man. -Don't. 179 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:27,994 -Just scoot over. -You scoot over. 180 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,792 Now there's some jostling atop the podium 181 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:32,388 and down goes Chazz Michael Michaels. 182 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:34,956 MacElroy still waving to the crowd. 183 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,237 Look, MacElroy's also down now. 184 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,396 I have never in all my years seen anything 185 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,272 this disgraceful on the world stage. 186 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,868 I am stunned silent, absolutely silent, Jim. 187 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,434 You get that damned bird out of my face before I break its neck. 188 00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,790 A perfect head butt! Down goes MacElroy! 189 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:50,717 And Spaetzle's aflame! 190 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:53,795 Spaetzle! Oh, my God! 191 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,433 As we prepare to hear testimony, Michaels and MacElroy 192 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,916 will be given a chance to defend their actions at Stockholm... 193 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,638 We love you, Jimmy. 194 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,754 Hey. Nancy Kerrigan. 195 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:31,919 You an official here? 196 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,918 'Cause you have officially given me a boner. 197 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:39,597 I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear. 198 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,794 It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything. 199 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,278 Let's get started, shall we? 200 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,277 If either one of you would like to make a statement 201 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,789 before the commission passes judgement, 202 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,990 you may do so at this time. 203 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,515 Fans, friends, esteemed members of the committee, 204 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,559 I don't know what I can say, 205 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,837 but I pray you can all forgive me. 206 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,393 More than that, I pray the children can forgive me. 207 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,555 Oh, my God. 208 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:11,240 -I place my future in their tiny hands. -That is retarded. 209 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:15,148 God bless you. God bless everyone. Thank you. 210 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:18,874 God bless you, Jimmy. God bless your heart. 211 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:22,275 Maxim. 212 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:24,229 Last issue. 213 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,838 "Chazz Michael Michaels is figure skating." 214 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,435 Boom! 215 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,036 All right, duly noted. 216 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:39,631 In accordance with the rules of the lnternational Skating Federation, 217 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:43,435 James MacElroy and Charles Michael Michaels, 218 00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:45,676 you are to be stripped of your medals... 219 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:46,789 What? 220 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:50,708 ...and banned from men's figure skating for the remainder of your lives! 221 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,876 Hey, you listen to me, old man! 222 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:54,949 Oh, that sucks. 223 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,513 Look what you did to my ex-wife! 224 00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,517 I'm gonna pop you in the back of the head. 225 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,154 Banned for life. That's a long time. 226 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:08,710 Jimmy, it'll all work out. 227 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:09,875 It's time for a fresh start. 228 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,833 -Yeah, a fresh start. Exactly. -Good. Jimmy, 229 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,639 -I'm un-adopting you. -What? 230 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:19,193 I don't think un-adopting is the right word. 231 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,550 Legally, I'm disowning you. 232 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,718 But it amounts to the same thing, so... 233 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,831 But I've been your son for 26 years. 234 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,793 Twenty-two, so nobody can say I didn't try. We've had a good run. 235 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:33,152 Now, I think it would be best for all of us if we didn't drag this out. Clean break. 236 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,080 It would make it easier for me, Jimmy, if you left now. 237 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,189 Wait! 238 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:45,313 It's like a Band-Aid. Just rip it off. We'll both feel better. 239 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,199 Hey, everybody, get your tickets for the second show. 240 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:23,111 Second show tickets now available. 241 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:28,394 Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la We sing a grublet song 242 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:34,436 We love to roam our woodsy home Of greenery and scenery and song 243 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:38,997 Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la A grublet sings along 244 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:40,473 Oh, God. 245 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,433 I hate you. 246 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,279 I hate my life. 247 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,516 Oh, no! It's the evil wizard! 248 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:56,349 Boo! 249 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,869 I mean, I had it with skating for the judges, you know? 250 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,831 Just like, I don't need that. 251 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:19,317 I mean, for me, it's so much more satisfying to see the... 252 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:22,750 The eyes of a small child, seeing that wonder as they... 253 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:26,350 They see you skate out there with a big wizard head on, you know? 254 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,152 Nice. Really nice. 255 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,358 Hey, Sammy, it's not what it looks like. 256 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,029 Sam. Sammy, come on, baby. 257 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,151 You knew this was how I rolled when you met me. 258 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,714 No. When I met you, you were a great figure skater. 259 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,831 Now you're getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies. 260 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,279 I don't even know who you are any more. 261 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:48,753 You're living in the past, Sammy. 262 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,074 Come on, me and the Woodland Fairies, 263 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,952 we're living in the here and now. 264 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,548 And we're feeling so free. Come on, join us. 265 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,356 Baby. Come on, babe. 266 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,916 Hey, Michaels, let's go. Lace up. The fog machines are primed. 267 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,395 Second show's almost three-quarters full. 268 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,757 -You drunk? -No. 269 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,356 But this ought to do it. 270 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,118 I would fire you 271 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,560 if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there. 272 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,750 -You smell like urine. -A lot? 273 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:20,998 Get your head on. 274 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,278 They don't feel right. 275 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,833 That's because I'm not finished. 276 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:33,475 You see, it helps to think of the laces as belonging to three distinct groups. 277 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,113 First, the foundation. 278 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:36,828 They're too tight. 279 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,190 Daddy! He's crushing me. 280 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,515 Doing it right takes a little bit longer, but it's worth it. 281 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:44,712 Hey, what are you doing? She said it's too tight. 282 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,319 Well, but she's wrong. 283 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:50,479 I mean, who are you gonna trust, a little girl or Jimmy MacElroy? 284 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,750 -Who the hell is Jimmy MacElroy? -ls there a problem here, sir? 285 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,155 Yeah, this kid is torturing my daughter's foot. 286 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:56,349 I'm so sorry, sir. 287 00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:00,678 You know what, Jimmy? Off the skates, you're on stockroom duty, now. Let's go. 288 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,553 Hey, Jimmy. 289 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:13,354 Hector? 290 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:14,629 What are you doing here? 291 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,433 You know I have a restraining order against you. 292 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:19,719 Oh, that thing? 293 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,709 You look great, Jimmy. You look amazing. Your hair rocks. 294 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:24,829 Thanks. 295 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,315 You look so good. Oh, my gosh. 296 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,551 Do you look at yourself? 297 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:34,276 I totally wanna cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday. It's coming up. 298 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:38,518 Yeah, listen, it's great to see you, Hector, but I'm really busy right now. 299 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,870 Okay, all right, I'm sorry. I'll cut to the chase. 300 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,150 -You gotta start skating again, Jimmy. -What? 301 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,794 It's embarrassing stalking a has-been, you know what I mean? 302 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:47,558 Look, I almost gave up on you. 303 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,033 I started working with that Ukrainian skater, 304 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,639 you know the one that looks like Elvis? 305 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:51,954 And I moved to the Ukraine 306 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:55,152 and it was cold and everyone had guns and smelled like soup. 307 00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:59,239 I sympathise with you, Hector. I really do, but there's nothing I can do. 308 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:00,475 I'm banned for life. 309 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,238 Don't be so sure. 310 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,398 Section 14, paragraph G, 311 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:09,149 "A lifetime ban is irrevocable and the banned skater can never again 312 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,635 "compete in any Federation-sanctioned tournament 313 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,354 "that exists in such a skater's division." 314 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,791 You see? You're only banned from your division, men's singles! 315 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,397 You can still compete in pairs skating. 316 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:24,999 Pairs. 317 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,593 How is this possible? 318 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,917 I had so many lawyers work on so many appeals. 319 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,600 Because nobody can obsess like I can. 320 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,232 Good luck, Jimmy. 321 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,994 And I'm still gonna kill you someday. 322 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:54,312 Oh, no! It's the evil wizard! 323 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,468 Hey, little forest creatures. 324 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:09,275 None of you sons-of-bitches try to be heroes. You hear me? 325 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,268 Hey, Chazz. Come on. 326 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,078 It's Gary. What are you doing? 327 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,714 Hey, everyone! This is Gary, the squirrel. 328 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,876 Now listen up. Gary's been a long-time friend. 329 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,753 We've been skating for two and a half years. 330 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,589 I remember when we were hanging out at the bus stop in Tucson, 331 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,995 and Gary said, "I've got a third ball. " 332 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,717 Damn it. I just threw up in here, people. 333 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:39,991 That's the reality. Another layer to the legend. 334 00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:44,636 I am nothing but a human onion. In fact, we all are. Oh, encore. 335 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:49,669 Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets on lce will be cancelled until further notice. 336 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,756 No refunds will be given. 337 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:58,909 Bring it on! Let it rain down on me. 338 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:06,472 There's a loophole. I was banned from men's singles but not pairs. 339 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,397 I can skate in the Wintersport Games again. 340 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,353 I knew it. I knew after three years, you just weren't checking in. 341 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,755 I mean, come on, I moved on, Jimmy. You gotta move on, too. 342 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,791 But I'm a skater. There's nothing to move on to, 343 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,593 except for winning the gold again and keeping it this time. 344 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,870 You know how hard it is to find a partner? 345 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,195 Even if you did, you gotta qualify for Nationals. 346 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:24,719 That's a month away. 347 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,353 I mean, sign-up is in two days. 348 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:27,833 It can't be that hard. I mean... 349 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:32,636 Figure skating. Give it up, Jimmy. It's like a cruel bitch mother. 350 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,073 She'll seduce you with chocolates and roses 351 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:39,556 and then kick you to the side of the road like a dead raccoon. 352 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,197 Forget it. I gotta go. 353 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,552 It's good to see you. 354 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,558 Wait, Coach! 355 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:08,959 Jimmy MacElroy? 356 00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,557 Another great walking through the halls of the Grublets. 357 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,150 Welcome to my little production. 358 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,669 If you're here to thank me for firing Chazz Michaels, it was my pleasure. 359 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:18,789 Chazz was here? 360 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:23,038 Yeah, unfortunately, but it's fantastic that you're here. 361 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:26,436 And yes, no need to ask, I'll consider you for a position. 362 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:28,198 I'm not looking for a job. 363 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:31,517 I'm actually looking for a female skater to compete with me at Nationals. 364 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,029 -Are you trying to skater poach? -No. 365 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,037 You trying to break up my family? 366 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:39,357 Why don't you get out of here before I throw down? 367 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:44,359 Hey, where you going? 368 00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:00,075 Michaels. 369 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:01,994 MacElroy. 370 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:03,235 I see you got fat. 371 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:05,191 I see you still look like a 1 5-year-old girl but not hot. 372 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:06,309 You crushed my dreams. 373 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,078 Dreams? Shit. I haven't had one of those in years. 374 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,634 Zip it, Chazz. Zip it or I will punch you in your crap lousy face. 375 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:11,875 This ends tonight. 376 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,956 It's daytime, you douche. 377 00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:18,236 -Now it's on! -You're so fat! 378 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,639 Local figure skating fans got more than they bargained for today 379 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:29,593 when a children's ice show was interrupted by a street fight 380 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:31,711 between two former champions. 381 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,910 Jimmy MacElroy and Chazz Michael Michaels, 382 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:35,632 once at the top of the skating world, 383 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:39,036 picked up today where they left off more than three years... 384 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,908 Fans remember Michaels and MacElroy as gold medallists who, 385 00:23:58,040 --> 00:23:59,519 in a bizarre turn of events, 386 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,915 became banned from competition for life. 387 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:03,268 I had a chance to sit down with Michaels 388 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,231 and let's just say, he's a complex man. 389 00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:08,193 I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women. 390 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:30,799 Two men skating together? That's a riot. That's a laugh riot. 391 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:34,117 -I don't see what's so funny. -lf you were as drunk as me, you would. 392 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:37,869 Look, Coach, I know I said I wanted to skate pairs, but two men? 393 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,991 Even if we wanted to, they'd never allow it. 394 00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:42,156 But there's nothing in the rule book that says you can't. 395 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:46,034 That's not my style. Chazz Michael Michaels goes it alone. 396 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:49,391 Okay? That means no coach and no partner. 397 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,516 Especially not a dude. 398 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:55,313 Especially not the precious and pampered Richie Rich. 399 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:57,396 Would you just shut up? You don't know what you're talking about. 400 00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:58,475 I know more than you think I know. 401 00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:00,113 Hell, I know more than you know you know. 402 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,549 No, you don't. You could never keep up with my flawless technique. 403 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,875 That's why I floored you in '02 and the spring of '99. 404 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,433 Technique doesn't get you 18 medals 405 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,551 and a Kristi Yamaguchi Lifetime Achievement Award. 406 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:10,955 -I am figure skating. -Stop it! 407 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,517 For three years I've been trying to get over the nightmare you two created. 408 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,471 I wasn't sure I'd ever forget it. 409 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:21,355 Now maybe underneath all your bullshit, we can still find something beautiful. 410 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,234 I don't know, Coach. 411 00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:25,271 I mean, I'm really desperate to win that gold, but... 412 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,392 But what? How's the partner search coming, kid? 413 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:30,878 What's so funny, Cool Whip? 414 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,072 You getting a lot of satisfaction from those $1 5 hookers? 415 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,431 I am never satisfied. It's a curse. 416 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,955 The registration for the National Finals closes in exactly 1 2 hours. 417 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,514 Now let me ask you boys a question. 418 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,156 Do you wanna make history? 419 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,153 No way. This guy could not hold my jock sweat. 420 00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:56,679 I could hold it all day long. Try me. 421 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:57,994 -Maybe I will. -Maybe you should. 422 00:25:58,120 --> 00:25:59,155 You challenging me, Princess? 423 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,840 I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's Annual Christmas Party. 424 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,075 -Then bring it on! -lt is on! 425 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:04,713 Good. We're in agreement then. 426 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:05,829 -What? -What? 427 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,554 Welcome back to competitive skating, gentlemen. 428 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,509 I'll pick you up in the morning. 429 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,633 Little help. 430 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,480 Here we go. Show time. 431 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:30,468 Stranz. Fairchild. Melissa Kelly, ESPN2. 432 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:32,830 So, let me ask you, any thoughts on the competition? 433 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,552 And what does a new gold medal mean for you? 434 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:36,477 It doesn't mean as much as winning America's hearts. 435 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:37,999 That's very important to us. 436 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:39,678 Now we haven't seen you in about three and a half years. 437 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:40,835 What have you been up to? 438 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,075 Skating. 439 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,271 Now apparently you're dedicating this performance 440 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,630 to the children of the world. 441 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:54,194 Sorry. 442 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,275 -Chazz, fill this out. -No. 443 00:26:58,400 --> 00:26:59,799 Yes. 444 00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:01,194 I'll get yours, Jimmy. 445 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:02,594 Who is that girl? 446 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,199 You mean Katie Van Waldenberg? 447 00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:06,151 She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister? 448 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,714 Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass. 449 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,591 Mind bottling, isn't it? 450 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:14,474 -Did you just say "mind bottling?" -Yeah, mind bottling. 451 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:15,589 You know, when things are so crazy, 452 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,676 it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle. 453 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:20,951 All right, boys. Let's go do this. Loud and proud. 454 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:24,754 What are you two doing here? 455 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:28,236 You know damn well I'm not letting either of you sign up. They're banned. 456 00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:30,555 I'm not here to sign up Michaels or MacElroy. 457 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:34,400 I'm here to sign up the pairs team of Michaels and MacElroy. 458 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:35,037 I'm here to sign up the pairs team of Michaels and MacElroy. 459 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:36,434 Thank you. 460 00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:41,269 Now there's your front page headline. 461 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,709 Jimmy, can you wave to the fans? 462 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,197 So Jimmy and Chazz together and no fighting, huh? 463 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:54,793 Two men skating together and in our division, no less. 464 00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:56,319 Why, Stranz? 465 00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,192 Why is God singling us out 466 00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:00,515 for the greatest suffering the world has ever known? 467 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,791 I don't know, sis. Those two are nothing but a couple of freaks. 468 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:05,353 Yeah, and the media loves freaks. 469 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:06,708 Makes my blood boil. 470 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,673 And all they're doing is just leeching the dignity out of our beloved sport. 471 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:10,949 You know, I'm not a violent person, 472 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:14,390 but I would like to hold them down and skate over their throats. 473 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,193 Guys, maybe, maybe if you concentrate on the skating 474 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:18,639 people will forget all the hype 475 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:21,479 and they'll focus on the purity of the sport 476 00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:24,160 and the spirit of honest competition. 477 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:28,273 You guys just want to cheat again, don't you? 478 00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:29,753 -That's a good idea. -Much better. 479 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,269 Katie, please, will you just take this camcorder, okay? 480 00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:34,789 I don't know how to turn it on. Thank you. 481 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:36,239 No, I'm not spying for you again. 482 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:39,079 We're just asking you to discreetly tape their practice routines. 483 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:40,838 Find someone else. 484 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:45,479 -What's that, Mother? -Don't. 485 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:47,716 You and Father are sad that you were killed 486 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:50,638 driving Katie to her ice skating lesson all those years ago? 487 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:51,988 Yeah. Me, too. 488 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,680 Remember how they used to be alive? 489 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:55,869 Papa? 490 00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:59,512 I can't hear you, Papa. What are you... You're crying? 491 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:02,712 Still? In heaven? You're still dead? 492 00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:05,555 -Fine, I'll do it. -Yes. 493 00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:08,478 Now you're playing for team Van Waldenberg. 494 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:16,797 All right. You'll be staying here for the duration. 495 00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:23,916 You're gonna skate as a pair. You'll live as a pair. 496 00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:26,789 And if you're at all interested in self-preservation, 497 00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:30,549 you take off your shoes before you set foot on the Berber. 498 00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:33,437 Why would we step in baby food? 499 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:36,472 -He's talking about the carpet. Berber? -What are you? The Rug Doctor? 500 00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:38,591 -Maybe I am. -I'm the rug master. 501 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:42,190 -What does that even mean? -Shut up and take off your damn shoes. 502 00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:48,154 -Bunk beds? -I don't share rooms. 503 00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:52,273 I don't share shit. The night is a very dark time for me. 504 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:54,632 It's dark for everyone, moron. 505 00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:56,990 Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles. 506 00:29:57,120 --> 00:29:58,917 All right, this is gonna stop right now. 507 00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,918 From here on out, you guys are a team. Do you understand? 508 00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:03,473 You are going to eat together, sleep together. 509 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:04,874 You are going to pee together. 510 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:07,389 You're gonna file a joint income tax return. 511 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:10,512 Practice starts now. End of discussion. 512 00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:22,277 I just put those into order. 513 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:24,311 I need some counter space, too. 514 00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:30,550 -Mane n' Tail. Is this horse shampoo? -Yes, it is. 515 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:33,194 -Do you use this stuff on your hair? -Uh-huh. 516 00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:37,874 "For a lustrous coat." Does this actually work? 517 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:39,319 You bet your ass it does. 518 00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:42,910 It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt out on the ice. 519 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:48,390 And then I brush my hair 100 times with this. 520 00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:53,229 Cool brush. 521 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:56,397 Not just a brush but a Verticoli. 522 00:30:57,160 --> 00:31:00,550 Handmade in ltaly. They carve it out of illegal whalebone. 523 00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:02,750 They only make 1 1 of them a year. 524 00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:06,919 This one cost me $12,000 or 30 million lira. 525 00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:11,715 Perfectly balanced, low drag, minimal torque. 526 00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:13,432 How minimal? 527 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:15,471 I bet you'd like to know. 528 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:17,879 Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail all you want, 529 00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:20,195 but don't even look at the Verticoli. 530 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,436 'Cause I will knock your block off. 531 00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:23,879 No exaggeration, 532 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:27,709 I could not love a human baby as much as I love this brush. 533 00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:34,835 I call top. 534 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:38,839 -Sorry, I already called it in my head. -You can't do that. That doesn't count. 535 00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,758 Yes, it does. Get used to it, Jimmy. 536 00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,076 You're in Chazz's world now. 537 00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:47,632 You know what? I permanently called shotgun. 538 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,876 You do not get shotgun every time. 539 00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:53,709 What is this place? It smells like fish. 540 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:55,034 Sweet. 541 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,468 This ice has not been properly Zambonied. 542 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,750 -And where's the warm-down room? -We don't have any of that. 543 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:02,472 What we got is a cold storage unit 544 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,353 that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose. 545 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:07,152 Nice choice, Coach. 546 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,438 Turned out well. 547 00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:12,632 The dance lift, the press lift, the twist lift, 548 00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:15,958 the side by side jump, the throw jump. 549 00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:18,594 All of these are weapons in the pairs skaters' arsenal. 550 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:21,029 And used properly, they can slay your opponent. 551 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:24,470 Used improperly, you can break every bone in your body. 552 00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:27,999 All right, gentlemen, waltz position. 553 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:40,078 You know what, dude, your hand has to be on top. 554 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:41,599 No way. The girl's goes on top. 555 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:43,392 Yeah. Ergo. Chick. 556 00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:44,748 I'm not the girl. I'm stronger. 557 00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:46,393 No, I'm stronger and don't have a vagina. 558 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:48,590 You are not stronger. Watch this, fat ass. 559 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:49,709 Fat ass? 560 00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:51,558 It doesn't really matter, it's waltz position. 561 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:53,398 One guy, you put your, just... 562 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:55,750 See that? It's pure pec, bicep, and tricep. 563 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:56,869 Jimmy, get off your hands. 564 00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:59,036 You're gonna need those later. Now, come on. 565 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:00,229 All right. 566 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:02,277 Okay, you know what? I can do something cool, too. 567 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:03,435 Chazz. Chazz. 568 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:07,519 You think you're so tough. Huh? I'm not fat. I can do this. 569 00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:10,359 -Chazz, put your skates back on. -No, it's too late. They're off. 570 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,710 -Look, I'm like lightning. -Put your skates back on. 571 00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:13,909 What are you doing? 572 00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:16,395 -Yeah. God, that burns. -Oh, yeah? 573 00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:19,510 Jimmy, you put your clothes on. Jimmy! 574 00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:21,312 -Damn it! -Watch my lcy Hot Super Slide. 575 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:22,429 -Do it. -I will. 576 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:25,757 It's not gonna matter 'cause you're flat in front like Ken. 577 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:42,509 You're the girl. 578 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:44,517 -What? -You're my pretty lady, MacElroy. 579 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:46,949 -Wait. Why? -Because you whine like one! 580 00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:50,550 And no one can lift your fat ass. You're on a diet, starting now. 581 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,399 -What are you talking about? -Let's go! Come on! 582 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:55,476 Is this about my muscular, thick thighs? 583 00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:58,990 Could one of you all pass me a biscuit? 584 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,953 You got another five miles, then you get a LUNA bar. 585 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:03,399 Come on. 586 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:08,158 So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine. 587 00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:09,679 -Really? -We're gonna skate to one song, 588 00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:12,758 one song only. Lady Hump by the Black Eyed Peas. 589 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,997 What you gonna do with all that junk All that junk inside my trunk 590 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:19,237 I'm gonna get you, get you drunk Get you drunk off my lady hump 591 00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:22,432 My hump, my hump My lovely lady hump 592 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:25,472 I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. 593 00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:26,669 I don't even know what that means. 594 00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:29,519 No one knows what it means, but it's provocative. 595 00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:31,392 -No, it's not. It's gross. -lt gets the people going. 596 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:35,035 That's enough! Why do you guys keep doing that? 597 00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:47,951 You didn't see shit! 598 00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:50,398 -Coach! -Shut up! 599 00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:57,877 Throw me some chicken! 600 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:01,159 Two men. 601 00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:03,236 Together. You're really gonna go through with this, huh? 602 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:04,634 Oh, yeah, of course. Why not? 603 00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:06,318 I mean, I need your help. What do you say? 604 00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:09,318 Look, I'm just a choreographer. What do I know? 605 00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:10,953 Bring them by the dance studio tomorrow. 606 00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:12,672 -Great! -I'm not a magician. 607 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:13,789 I ain't making no promises. 608 00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:16,115 I'm just saying that I'm'a do what I can do. 609 00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:19,198 Your problem is your boundaries. That ends today. 610 00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:20,548 Out on my dance floor you won't know 611 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:22,636 where one man's body ends and another begins. 612 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:25,354 Because if you can't dance with a man, you damn sure can't skate with a man. 613 00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:27,436 All right? So come on, let's go. 614 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:29,915 Jimmy. 615 00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:31,829 Yeah. 616 00:35:32,720 --> 00:35:33,760 That's what I thought. 617 00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:35,677 That a boy, Jimmy. Come on. 618 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:38,549 Okay. Break it down. Show me what you got. 619 00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:42,509 Okay. That's a start. That is a start. 620 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:10,559 You're tensing your face. If you tense your face, 621 00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:12,352 you're gonna make it harder for yourselves. 622 00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,038 Just enable... 623 00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:22,273 Rewind it. I wanna see his head bang down again. 624 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:33,076 No. No, no. You act right or you leave my studio. 625 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:36,795 Beautiful butterfly into a prayer. Nice into... 626 00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:42,351 Let them get it out. Let them get it out. 627 00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:45,950 Chazz, release to Jimmy. Easy, see? Release... 628 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:50,432 -Yes. -No. No. 629 00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:06,795 You nailed it! 630 00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:10,754 Yes, I did. See that? Pure power. You could use a nickel's worth, junior. 631 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:12,359 Maybe if you released me at that quarter-turn, 632 00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:14,232 I wouldn't have to save your ass with my landing. 633 00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:17,591 It's called improvisation. Even your precious Kenny G does it. 634 00:37:17,720 --> 00:37:19,711 Well, at least they're getting the moves down. 635 00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:24,118 Yeah, but can they do it in front of five judges and 30 million people? 636 00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:28,995 Denver, Colorado, last stop on the road 637 00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:31,475 to the World Wintersport Games in Montreal. 638 00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:34,319 The finest skaters from all over the country have trained tirelessly, 639 00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:37,193 for years for their chance to make it onto the world stage. 640 00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:39,470 But all those stories have been eclipsed now 641 00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:42,068 by what many dub the Sideshow of the Century. 642 00:37:42,240 --> 00:37:45,949 The male-male pair of Jimmy MacElroy and Chazz Michael Michaels. 643 00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:48,719 The anxiety was palpable when they arrived this morning 644 00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:51,957 as the skating community continued to voice its outrage. 645 00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:54,196 Those two are turning this sport into a freak show. 646 00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:56,595 As if figure skating wasn't gay enough already. 647 00:37:56,960 --> 00:38:00,430 Let me show you something. Does that look right to you? 648 00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:02,711 Nothing in here about two men skating. 649 00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:06,395 That blonde chick's a dude? Oh, man. 650 00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:09,394 Now let's join Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg 651 00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:11,078 as they wind up their routine, 652 00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:15,239 an edgy look at urban culture told in the language of the streets. 653 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:19,552 And boy, look at them! They are really having fun with this. 654 00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:23,753 The bling is king. This pair is willing the crowd into a frenzy. 655 00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:27,999 Come on! Come on! 656 00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:39,034 Wow! Flawless, as always. 657 00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:41,754 These two blue-eyed funk machines are going to find themselves 658 00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:45,714 popping and locking their way to the championship in Montreal. 659 00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:47,637 And those good vibrations seem 660 00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:50,718 to have spread all the way through this arena. 661 00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:54,359 What, what! 662 00:38:58,240 --> 00:38:59,798 You guys are up. 663 00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:02,516 And now the moment this crowd has been waiting for. 664 00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:04,551 And how is this going to work? 665 00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:08,150 Completely different skaters, known to be enemies of one another, 666 00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:12,990 combining to be the first male-male pair team in the history of the sport. 667 00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:16,237 Either the locked-in technical style of MacElroy 668 00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:19,557 will not mesh with Michaels' improvisations 669 00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:21,557 or they create great music together 670 00:39:21,680 --> 00:39:24,478 and reinvent the sport in their own image. 671 00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:29,792 They're laughing at us. 672 00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:33,797 They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. 673 00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:36,514 Now he's up there laughing at them. 674 00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:44,275 Well, they titled this routine "Fire and Ice. " 675 00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:47,551 They've always been that way as competitors, as individuals 676 00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:49,477 and now as a pair team? 677 00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:51,158 So appropriate. 678 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:42,398 So far, so good. 679 00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:51,037 Their first move's so difficult. Throw triple Axel. 680 00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:52,513 First throw. 681 00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:55,029 Man down. 682 00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:58,835 What an unbelievably disastrous beginning to this routine! 683 00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:02,558 I've never fallen once in competition. 684 00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:04,557 Come on. Take my hand. 685 00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:07,153 We can do this. 686 00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:10,109 And they're up. 687 00:41:10,240 --> 00:41:12,356 Come on, Denver, get off your asses! 688 00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:14,719 Let's go! 689 00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:16,349 And the crowd responds. 690 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:20,268 It's the first time they've shown them any level of support. 691 00:41:23,520 --> 00:41:26,876 Side by side double Axels! Beautifully delivered! 692 00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:32,273 And again, a male-male pair team. 693 00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:36,075 They're doing things that no other pair would dare to do. 694 00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:51,199 Incredible! 695 00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:08,319 So many moves in this programme I've never heard of before. 696 00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:16,509 Yes! 697 00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:27,833 Unbelievable finish to an incredible routine! 698 00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:30,269 And they've won this crowd over! 699 00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:33,829 Yes! 700 00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:37,592 This might be enough to send them to Montreal 701 00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:42,077 as the first male-male representatives this sport has ever seen. 702 00:42:42,200 --> 00:42:43,997 History in the making. 703 00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:56,349 Yeah! 704 00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:06,192 We love you, Denver! 705 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,594 City by the bay! John Denver! 706 00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:16,069 -Was the fire really necessary? -Ask them. 707 00:43:19,720 --> 00:43:23,110 -That's what I'm talking about! -I'm so proud of you. Good job. 708 00:43:25,240 --> 00:43:26,753 What up, homes? 709 00:43:30,720 --> 00:43:32,392 You guys were great out there. 710 00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:34,715 Thanks. I'm Jimmy. 711 00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:36,400 I know. Katie. 712 00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:37,954 I know. 713 00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:43,158 I like your buttons. 714 00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:46,116 Jimmy, come on. The scores are up. 715 00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:48,112 -Good luck. -You, too. 716 00:43:48,240 --> 00:43:50,310 Did you see that? They were actually pretty good. 717 00:43:50,440 --> 00:43:52,158 Yeah, they were really good. Way to go. 718 00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:53,633 None of what they did was on your video. 719 00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:55,478 That's all right. Let's not let them get into our heads. 720 00:43:55,600 --> 00:43:57,591 Into our head? Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark, 721 00:43:57,720 --> 00:43:59,199 we let down the Funky Bunch. 722 00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:02,551 ...5.9, 5.9, 5.8, 6.0! 723 00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:03,635 -Yes! Yes! -Oh, my gosh! 724 00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:05,990 We're going to Montreal, bitch! 725 00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:09,668 Well, it's all smiles here in the Crest kiss and cry area. 726 00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:12,712 You're the guys everybody's talking about. How does it feel? 727 00:44:12,840 --> 00:44:15,912 You know, we're just so grateful for this wonderful opportunity 728 00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:17,234 to be out here on the ice again... 729 00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:20,158 Michaels and MacElroy are a freight train from hell, okay? 730 00:44:20,280 --> 00:44:23,909 We're going straight up the ass of the competition, Scott. 731 00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:26,951 I'm not gonna say wow, but wow! 732 00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:31,039 They got by on 97 percent adrenaline and three percent bullshit. 733 00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:35,312 If they wanna take home the gold, they gotta do something spectacular. 734 00:44:35,440 --> 00:44:36,475 Robert, I know where this is going. 735 00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:38,955 How many times do you have to make the same mistake? 736 00:44:39,080 --> 00:44:42,117 Till I get it right. You gotta trust me, Jesse. 737 00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,910 I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in a cage of fear. 738 00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:53,838 Top of the morning. And it is a beaut. 739 00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:57,833 Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here. 740 00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:01,631 Just thought you'd like to see what a skater's body really looks like. 741 00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:04,149 Go ahead, drink it in. Don't be shy. 742 00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:07,909 Looking's for free. Touching's gonna cost you something. 743 00:45:11,320 --> 00:45:13,038 Checking out my ink? 744 00:45:13,560 --> 00:45:16,677 Some people refer to me as the lllustrated Man. 745 00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:20,998 Each tattoo tells a different tale. They're like chapters of my life. 746 00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:24,351 Really? So, what's that one about? 747 00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:31,036 That one represents the dragon lady. You might know her as Michelle Kwan. 748 00:45:31,160 --> 00:45:34,789 That's Michelle Kwan, most decorated figure skater in US history? 749 00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:37,115 -You tapped that? -Sure did. 750 00:45:37,720 --> 00:45:40,029 But perfection can drive a woman mad. 751 00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:41,991 She was ready to quit, hang up her skates 752 00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:45,192 settle down and pop out a few little Chazzlings. 753 00:45:45,320 --> 00:45:48,357 I couldn't let her do it, not the way I roll. 754 00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:50,914 So, what's that one with the horse? 755 00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:53,717 My blonde Ukrainian she-devil. 756 00:45:53,840 --> 00:45:55,876 Not Oksana Baiul? 757 00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:58,230 At 16, she won the gold, turned pro, 758 00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:01,989 and was named one of Barbara Walters' most fascinating persons of 1994. 759 00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:06,193 Yeah. But don't let her fool you. She's as cold as the ice she skates on. 760 00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:10,071 She's like dry ice. Wait. She's colder than that. 761 00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:12,191 -What's colder than dry ice? -I don't know. 762 00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:14,595 I'll tell you what is. Oksana. 763 00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:21,679 What about that one on your shoulder? Who's that? 764 00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:24,396 That one? It's nothing. 765 00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:27,316 What about you? You got any tats? 766 00:46:27,440 --> 00:46:30,512 I had my face painted at the Blueberry Festival one year. 767 00:46:30,640 --> 00:46:32,278 Seems about right. 768 00:46:32,400 --> 00:46:35,710 Well, I could have one. I could have a killer one. 769 00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:40,630 I have a crush on the enemy, Katie Van Waldenberg. 770 00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:41,954 Good choice, my man. 771 00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:43,832 Yeah. How's that for forbidden love? 772 00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:46,713 I have no idea, but I'd like to find out. 773 00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:49,789 -Wait. What are you doing? -I'm calling her. Or rather, you are. 774 00:46:49,920 --> 00:46:51,672 -I can't do that. It's crazy. -It's not crazy. 775 00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:52,915 What am I supposed to say? 776 00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:54,871 -No, you can't. I can't. -It's ringing. Go. 777 00:46:58,640 --> 00:47:00,676 -Sorry. -Maybe it's Nike. 778 00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:03,555 Van Waldenberg Companies. 779 00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:05,432 Talk. Relax. 780 00:47:06,400 --> 00:47:09,198 Hi. It's Jimmy MacElroy. Is Katie there? 781 00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:11,759 It's MacElroy, for her. 782 00:47:11,880 --> 00:47:13,711 What? For me? Why? 783 00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:15,718 -I can't do it. -I'll coach you. Get on the phone. 784 00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:17,114 Stranz? 785 00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:20,995 Hello? 786 00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:23,953 Okay. "Yo. It's the Mac attack. What up?" 787 00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:27,392 Yo. Hi. It's the Mac attack. What up? 788 00:47:27,720 --> 00:47:31,315 Okay. Say, "Oh, my, you're just catching me getting out of the shower." 789 00:47:31,440 --> 00:47:33,715 -Sell yourself. -Will you be quiet? 790 00:47:34,440 --> 00:47:36,556 You know, you just caught me getting out of the shower. 791 00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:38,716 -She just got out of the shower. -Oh, me likey. 792 00:47:38,840 --> 00:47:40,671 -I have to call her back. This is so rude. -No! Are you insane? 793 00:47:40,800 --> 00:47:43,598 -She's gonna hear you. -Get back on the phone. Say, "Shower? 794 00:47:43,720 --> 00:47:46,473 "l gotta get me one of those 'cause I just got back from the gym 795 00:47:46,600 --> 00:47:48,591 "doing my squat thrusts." 796 00:47:49,520 --> 00:47:51,750 I gotta... Yeah, shower. I need one of those 797 00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:55,111 'cause I just got back from the gym doing my squat thrusts. 798 00:47:55,240 --> 00:47:57,754 "Squat thrusts must be hard, real hard." 799 00:47:58,600 --> 00:47:59,669 Squat thrusts are hard. 800 00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:01,837 -"Real hard." -Real hard. 801 00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:06,199 "They're hard, all right. But it's worth it to get a sweet burn deep in your thigh." 802 00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:10,074 It's worth it to get a deep burn in my sweet thighs. 803 00:48:10,440 --> 00:48:13,398 "You know how you can soothe a nasty burn? 804 00:48:14,160 --> 00:48:15,832 "Pour some sweet cream on it." 805 00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:18,879 Do you know what you can do for a burn? 806 00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:20,149 Pour sweet cream on it. 807 00:48:20,280 --> 00:48:22,191 Oh, my God, you've bagged a wild lynx. 808 00:48:22,320 --> 00:48:24,993 Okay, say, "Sounds to me like your cream needs to be whipped", 809 00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:26,235 and then go... 810 00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:32,118 I was wondering if you wanted to get a snow cone sometime? 811 00:48:32,240 --> 00:48:33,275 What? 812 00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:36,153 Yeah. I would like to get a snow cone. 813 00:48:36,600 --> 00:48:38,511 I haven't had a snow cone in a couple of years, actually. 814 00:48:38,640 --> 00:48:39,629 No, you have to be sexy. 815 00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:41,751 Say you want a snow boner. Snow boner. 816 00:48:41,880 --> 00:48:44,110 8:.00 tonight. That sounds great. 817 00:48:44,240 --> 00:48:47,471 It will "get me time to get my jugs waxed." 818 00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:50,310 Okay. Well, I'll see you. 819 00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:53,315 What happened? What's the word? 820 00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:55,670 8:00 tonight. We did it! 821 00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:57,119 Oh, my God! 822 00:48:58,040 --> 00:48:59,359 Nice lift. 823 00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:04,795 All right, listen up. You guys barely squeaked by at Nationals. 824 00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:06,751 How are we gonna compete against teams 825 00:49:06,880 --> 00:49:08,279 that have been doing this for years? 826 00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:09,753 There's only one way. 827 00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:13,793 Okay. What do you guys have that none of the other teams have? 828 00:49:14,280 --> 00:49:15,872 -Twin dongs? -Exactly. 829 00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:18,309 We have to do something that only two men can do together. 830 00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:20,715 Something never seen before. 831 00:49:21,920 --> 00:49:23,831 Jesse, put in the tape. 832 00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:26,829 Come on. Put in the tape, Jesse. 833 00:49:33,520 --> 00:49:34,794 Thank you. 834 00:49:35,800 --> 00:49:39,759 Jimmy, I never told you this before, but I used to coach pairs. 835 00:49:40,400 --> 00:49:43,119 I was on track to head up the Olympic squad. 836 00:49:43,240 --> 00:49:45,879 I wanted it badly, so I developed a move. 837 00:49:46,000 --> 00:49:49,629 A move the likes of which the world had never seen before. 838 00:49:49,920 --> 00:49:53,151 A move so revolutionary, so dangerous 839 00:49:53,280 --> 00:49:57,717 that it would have catapulted the team that stuck it straight to the top. 840 00:49:59,280 --> 00:50:00,998 And like many revolutionary ideas, 841 00:50:01,120 --> 00:50:03,873 it just scared the shit out of the establishment. 842 00:50:05,000 --> 00:50:06,274 So I quit. 843 00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:11,515 And I took it to the one place on earth batshit crazy enough to give it a try. 844 00:50:12,600 --> 00:50:13,589 North Korea. 845 00:50:13,720 --> 00:50:15,073 Of course. 846 00:50:15,200 --> 00:50:18,272 Behind the Bamboo Curtain, they call it 847 00:50:19,720 --> 00:50:21,472 "The lron Lotus." 848 00:50:28,440 --> 00:50:30,874 Look at the grace, the beauty. 849 00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:34,358 They almost have it, until... 850 00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:38,239 Oh, my gosh. 851 00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:44,391 Okay. What do you say, let's give it a try? 852 00:50:44,520 --> 00:50:47,876 -Are you nuts? -What? That's crazy. 853 00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:49,069 Come on, what are you talking about? 854 00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:51,953 See, after all these years, I know what went wrong. 855 00:50:52,080 --> 00:50:53,069 The physics were off. 856 00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:55,236 It was a man and a woman, that's why it didn't work. 857 00:50:55,360 --> 00:50:57,828 You're two men. You should be fine. 858 00:50:59,960 --> 00:51:02,633 Be warned. The lron Lotus demands your respect. 859 00:51:02,760 --> 00:51:04,637 She has no time for lone wolves, Chazz. 860 00:51:04,760 --> 00:51:07,149 Jimmy, you've gotta be willing to improvise. 861 00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:09,316 You two are the last pieces of the puzzle. 862 00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:11,158 Go on! Fit them together! 863 00:51:16,920 --> 00:51:18,717 Keep your speed up. 864 00:51:19,320 --> 00:51:20,639 Keep it up! 865 00:51:22,560 --> 00:51:24,915 Jimmy! Don't let your legs buckle! 866 00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:28,158 Come on, Chazz, focus! Focus! 867 00:51:35,640 --> 00:51:36,789 My nut-sack! 868 00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:40,434 You gotta be careful, man. Unlike you, I actually use these things. 869 00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:41,913 Oh, yeah? Well... 870 00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:46,397 Well, well, yeah, you're right. I'll try to be more careful next time. 871 00:51:47,080 --> 00:51:48,229 Sorry. 872 00:51:48,880 --> 00:51:52,077 Look, I didn't mean to drag your balls into the discussion. 873 00:51:52,200 --> 00:51:55,431 That was uncalled for. They're fine, I overreacted. 874 00:51:55,920 --> 00:51:57,990 All right, gentlemen, let's get up and try it again. 875 00:52:05,360 --> 00:52:06,793 Let's do this. 876 00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:16,669 This was my favourite place growing up. 877 00:52:16,800 --> 00:52:18,631 By the way, you look really nice. 878 00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:22,753 Oh, really? I like your glitter-tooth necklace thing. 879 00:52:22,880 --> 00:52:24,233 Oh, thanks. 880 00:52:24,880 --> 00:52:27,269 Foy, can I have another blue one? 881 00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:32,078 You guys were so good at Nationals, it scared my brother and sister. 882 00:52:32,200 --> 00:52:35,192 -They wanted me to spy on you. -Really? 883 00:52:35,320 --> 00:52:37,038 Is that why you're going out with me right now? 884 00:52:37,160 --> 00:52:38,195 No! 885 00:52:39,480 --> 00:52:40,674 Really. 886 00:52:41,200 --> 00:52:44,715 I don't care if they win. I don't care about skating at all. 887 00:52:44,840 --> 00:52:47,354 I mean, really, what's so great about skating, anyway? 888 00:52:47,480 --> 00:52:50,074 It's basically just gliding, trying not to fall, 889 00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:52,430 with a couple of jumps thrown in, right? 890 00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:55,757 And Spandex and glitter. Egos. 891 00:52:56,560 --> 00:52:57,549 Ice blows. 892 00:53:00,720 --> 00:53:01,835 Sorry. 893 00:53:02,400 --> 00:53:05,790 But it's not the ice. It's what the ice lets you do. 894 00:53:06,520 --> 00:53:09,671 Out there, I feel like I can do anything. 895 00:53:10,320 --> 00:53:13,118 It's the only place where life makes sense. 896 00:53:16,040 --> 00:53:17,155 You've never skated? 897 00:53:17,280 --> 00:53:18,952 When I was a kid, a little. 898 00:53:19,080 --> 00:53:21,878 But my brother and sister don't like anyone to steal their focus. 899 00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:23,877 My life was nothing but focus. 900 00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:25,956 You know what I got for my tenth birthday? 901 00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:29,152 A six-pack of protein shakes and a subscription to Men's Health. 902 00:53:29,280 --> 00:53:31,032 I didn't have a tenth birthday. 903 00:53:31,160 --> 00:53:33,879 My sister told all my friends I was in jail for armed robbery. 904 00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:37,037 When I was nine, my dad insisted on having me circumcised 905 00:53:37,160 --> 00:53:38,752 to minimise wind resistance. 906 00:53:38,880 --> 00:53:42,316 While driving me to skating practice, my parents were in a fatal accident. 907 00:53:42,440 --> 00:53:43,953 My brother and sister blame me for their death 908 00:53:44,080 --> 00:53:46,958 and they force me to work for them like a slave. 909 00:54:06,520 --> 00:54:07,555 Wow. 910 00:54:08,240 --> 00:54:11,949 I never really thought of that as a romantic story before. 911 00:54:21,680 --> 00:54:25,798 So, how'd it go with your lady? Carve up any ice with your wiener? 912 00:54:25,920 --> 00:54:28,309 All right, ladies, tea party's over. 913 00:54:28,440 --> 00:54:32,069 We got two days till Montreal. I wanna see an lron Lotus. 914 00:54:38,520 --> 00:54:39,999 Okay, try it again. 915 00:54:40,800 --> 00:54:43,189 You're gonna kill him! Watch the blade! 916 00:54:43,440 --> 00:54:44,509 Come on! 917 00:54:48,320 --> 00:54:49,799 Try it again! 918 00:54:55,200 --> 00:54:57,475 One more. I'm really close. 919 00:55:03,920 --> 00:55:08,072 Hello, and welcome, everyone, to the Orbitz World Wintersport Games 920 00:55:08,200 --> 00:55:10,156 here in beautiful Montreal, Canada. 921 00:55:11,800 --> 00:55:14,997 The world turns its eyes now to this frozen sanctuary 922 00:55:15,120 --> 00:55:17,918 as the globe's finest athletes arrive to compete 923 00:55:18,040 --> 00:55:20,793 and to revel in the glory that is sport. 924 00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:24,994 And so, now we are honoured to bring you the wonder, pageantry, 925 00:55:25,120 --> 00:55:29,796 and spectacle of these, the 20th World Wintersport Games. 926 00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:37,558 Didn't you once say, and I quote, 927 00:55:37,680 --> 00:55:40,672 "Jimmy MacElroy is a lifeless robot on the ice"? 928 00:55:40,800 --> 00:55:43,314 -He would never say such a... -Yes, I did. 929 00:55:43,440 --> 00:55:46,716 But I was referring to the precision and beauty of robots. 930 00:55:46,840 --> 00:55:48,512 If they'd published the rest of the quote... 931 00:55:48,640 --> 00:55:51,598 They did publish the rest of your quote. You go on to say, 932 00:55:51,720 --> 00:55:53,551 "I've had lint at the top of my ass crack 933 00:55:53,680 --> 00:55:56,592 "with more personality than that Daddy's boy." End quote. 934 00:55:56,720 --> 00:55:59,154 All right, Mr Smart Reporter, showing off. 935 00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:03,193 You figured out how to work the Google on the lnternet machine. 936 00:56:03,320 --> 00:56:04,912 Well, here's a new quote for you, all right? 937 00:56:05,040 --> 00:56:09,033 Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy are figure skating. Boom! 938 00:56:09,160 --> 00:56:10,309 Boom! 939 00:56:11,760 --> 00:56:14,957 Jimmy! Has pairs skating helped your popularity? 940 00:56:15,560 --> 00:56:18,074 Absolutely. I have the best fans in the world. 941 00:56:18,200 --> 00:56:21,112 I mean, we have the best fans in the world. 942 00:56:25,920 --> 00:56:28,070 No, that's in the other room. 943 00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:38,315 Boom. 944 00:56:39,640 --> 00:56:40,755 Nice. 945 00:56:41,720 --> 00:56:44,154 Great! Press loves them, and now so do the sponsors. 946 00:56:44,280 --> 00:56:45,349 Stranz! 947 00:56:45,480 --> 00:56:49,996 So, Katie, it looks like your date went really well the other night, huh? 948 00:56:50,120 --> 00:56:52,839 What? I guess so. Why? 949 00:56:52,960 --> 00:56:54,996 No reason. I was just wondering how it went. Did it go well? 950 00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:57,509 -Yeah, we had snow cones... -Oh, that's so great. 951 00:56:57,640 --> 00:56:59,756 We want you to turn your attention to Chazz now. 952 00:56:59,880 --> 00:57:00,835 What? 953 00:57:00,960 --> 00:57:03,793 MacElroy's heart is like a beautiful apple that's in your hand 954 00:57:03,920 --> 00:57:05,478 and now you need to bite it. 955 00:57:05,600 --> 00:57:08,319 -Nothing breaks up a team faster than... -Herpes. 956 00:57:08,920 --> 00:57:10,148 Jealousy. 957 00:57:10,480 --> 00:57:12,675 No. I'm not gonna make Chazz Michael Michaels 958 00:57:12,800 --> 00:57:13,755 fall in love with me. 959 00:57:13,880 --> 00:57:15,836 Who's talking about love? We just want you to have sex with him. 960 00:57:15,960 --> 00:57:18,474 What? No! I am not gonna have sex with Chazz. 961 00:57:18,600 --> 00:57:21,398 Come on, Katie. Do the honourable thing here. 962 00:57:21,520 --> 00:57:24,353 The honourable thing is to walk away and that is exactly what I'm doing. 963 00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:28,268 Okay. Stranz, let her go. It's okay. She's made up her mind. 964 00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:31,311 We'll just move on to Plan B. 965 00:57:32,280 --> 00:57:34,635 -What's Plan B? -I'm sorry, don't worry about that. 966 00:57:34,760 --> 00:57:37,672 You stood your ground. Good for you. We respect that. 967 00:57:37,800 --> 00:57:40,189 But if something should happen to your new boyfriend's leg, 968 00:57:40,320 --> 00:57:43,471 I don't know, under his knee, or above his ankle? 969 00:57:44,080 --> 00:57:46,719 At least you did the honourable thing. 970 00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:54,753 -Where're you going? -Sex addicts meeting. 971 00:57:55,360 --> 00:57:57,828 -"Turn weakness into strength." -Good for you. 972 00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:00,394 Thanks, brother man. Have a good night. 973 00:58:00,520 --> 00:58:01,635 See ya! 974 00:58:05,000 --> 00:58:06,513 This must be for you. 975 00:58:17,840 --> 00:58:19,034 So glad you're all here. 976 00:58:19,520 --> 00:58:21,988 Okay, let's get started. 977 00:58:22,320 --> 00:58:25,790 Chazz, would you like to start the day off by sharing? 978 00:58:26,360 --> 00:58:29,158 I was just trying to find some peace. 979 00:58:29,280 --> 00:58:32,192 A haven, a place where I could feel safe. 980 00:58:33,160 --> 00:58:35,071 And then what happened? 981 00:58:36,160 --> 00:58:38,549 Well, she was my yoga instructor. 982 00:58:40,480 --> 00:58:42,471 So I knew she was limber. 983 00:58:42,760 --> 00:58:47,038 But, Chazz, you realise this would just set you back 984 00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:49,754 and further hurt your progress 985 00:58:49,880 --> 00:58:51,996 in maintaining control over your libido, correct? 986 00:58:52,120 --> 00:58:54,190 Yes. Thank you, Taylor. 987 00:58:54,880 --> 00:58:56,154 Definitely. 988 00:58:56,720 --> 00:59:02,272 Until her friend, a massage therapist, walked in the door naked. 989 00:59:02,400 --> 00:59:03,389 Easy, Chazz. 990 00:59:03,520 --> 00:59:04,919 With a big bottle of canola oil 991 00:59:05,040 --> 00:59:08,749 and a monkey who was trained to work on a video camera. 992 00:59:08,880 --> 00:59:10,871 And she rocked my world. 993 00:59:11,000 --> 00:59:12,228 Guys! 994 00:59:12,360 --> 00:59:16,148 Chazz, I have asked you to leave before and I don't wanna do it again. 995 00:59:16,280 --> 00:59:17,315 Taylor, come on, man. 996 00:59:17,440 --> 00:59:20,910 Let's just move on. Who'd like to talk about Chlamydia? 997 00:59:21,040 --> 00:59:23,918 Syphilis, gonorrhoea, et cetera. Should we... 998 00:59:24,640 --> 00:59:27,393 Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I was 999 00:59:28,600 --> 00:59:30,955 having sex. A lot. 1000 00:59:31,080 --> 00:59:32,752 Welcome. Welcome. 1001 00:59:32,880 --> 00:59:35,155 Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself? 1002 00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:36,633 I know her. 1003 00:59:36,760 --> 00:59:38,159 I'm Katie. 1004 00:59:38,280 --> 00:59:39,349 And? 1005 00:59:40,200 --> 00:59:42,031 Oh, and I'm a sex addict. 1006 00:59:42,160 --> 00:59:43,275 Hi, Katie. 1007 00:59:43,400 --> 00:59:44,469 Hey, Katie. 1008 00:59:45,760 --> 00:59:48,718 Wow, so, you're a sex addict, too. 1009 00:59:48,840 --> 00:59:50,796 Sex, sex, sex. What can I say? 1010 00:59:50,920 --> 00:59:54,754 Right. Right. I mean, you said it all. It's such a burden. 1011 00:59:54,880 --> 00:59:57,519 I mean, people don't realise what we go through on a day-to-day basis. 1012 00:59:57,640 --> 01:00:00,598 Why don't you come to my room tonight and we can comfort each other? 1013 01:00:00,720 --> 01:00:02,358 1 1 :55 sharp. 1014 01:00:06,080 --> 01:00:08,275 Come on, people, break it up! 1015 01:00:17,920 --> 01:00:21,390 God grant me the serenity not to have sex with my friend's girlfriend 1016 01:00:21,520 --> 01:00:25,308 the courage to go home tonight without having sex with my friend's girlfriend 1017 01:00:25,440 --> 01:00:26,919 and the wisdom to know that masturbation 1018 01:00:27,040 --> 01:00:30,032 is sometimes the most sensible solution. 1019 01:00:30,160 --> 01:00:31,513 Yeah. Okay. 1020 01:00:35,560 --> 01:00:36,879 Oh, sweet Jesus. 1021 01:00:37,000 --> 01:00:39,275 You're right on time. Come in. 1022 01:00:44,560 --> 01:00:45,595 Would you like some champagne? 1023 01:00:45,720 --> 01:00:47,995 No, I can't, l... 1024 01:00:48,640 --> 01:00:50,949 Actually I just came by 'cause I had something I had to say to you. 1025 01:00:51,080 --> 01:00:52,069 What? 1026 01:00:52,200 --> 01:00:54,839 Do you have a bathrobe or a parka you could... 1027 01:00:54,960 --> 01:00:56,951 Sorry. I'm hot. 1028 01:00:58,160 --> 01:00:59,195 Wouldn't you feel more comfortable 1029 01:00:59,320 --> 01:01:02,198 saying what you need to say from the bed? 1030 01:01:02,320 --> 01:01:03,878 Probably not. 1031 01:01:04,000 --> 01:01:05,149 It's a Posturepedic. 1032 01:01:05,280 --> 01:01:08,317 Well, then, in that case, it's good for my back, 1033 01:01:08,440 --> 01:01:10,476 so might as well try it. 1034 01:01:11,800 --> 01:01:13,916 Okay, here it goes. 1035 01:01:14,040 --> 01:01:17,953 I know that sex, I know that sex addiction is a disease. 1036 01:01:18,080 --> 01:01:19,399 Oh, God, they feel so good. 1037 01:01:19,520 --> 01:01:20,953 Oh, God, this is so wrong. 1038 01:01:21,080 --> 01:01:22,593 Jimmy's my friend. I'm not gonna do this. 1039 01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:23,914 Wait. Do you really mean that? 1040 01:01:24,040 --> 01:01:26,076 Yes, I think so. No. 1041 01:01:26,720 --> 01:01:29,154 Yes, I do. I do. I can't go through with this. 1042 01:01:29,280 --> 01:01:30,315 Thank God. 1043 01:01:30,440 --> 01:01:32,158 -Oh, God, what a relief. -Yeah. 1044 01:01:32,280 --> 01:01:33,918 He's got a heart of gold. 1045 01:01:36,160 --> 01:01:39,277 You sex demon! You, you sex fiend! 1046 01:01:39,400 --> 01:01:41,356 No, you got it all wrong. 1047 01:01:42,200 --> 01:01:44,270 Impure! Impure! 1048 01:01:44,400 --> 01:01:45,958 -Jimmy, wait! -Hey, wait! Brother man! 1049 01:01:46,080 --> 01:01:48,071 -Nothing happened! -Jimmy! 1050 01:01:50,120 --> 01:01:51,917 Wait! Jimmy! 1051 01:01:52,040 --> 01:01:53,837 -Get away! -Jimmy! No! 1052 01:01:54,480 --> 01:01:55,879 Damn it. 1053 01:01:59,640 --> 01:02:01,756 Come on, pick up. Come on, buddy. 1054 01:02:01,960 --> 01:02:04,872 Hey, it's Jimmy. If you can dream it, you can do it. 1055 01:02:05,040 --> 01:02:06,553 Jimmy, it's me, Chazz. 1056 01:02:06,680 --> 01:02:10,116 Look, what happened back there, so not a big deal. 1057 01:02:10,240 --> 01:02:14,552 Just think of it as like a boob handshake between me and your lady's... 1058 01:02:14,680 --> 01:02:18,150 Look, that's not coming out right. I'll explain it. Call me back, please. 1059 01:02:18,280 --> 01:02:19,793 It's me, Chazz. 1060 01:02:21,120 --> 01:02:22,633 I'm committed to this thing called friendship. 1061 01:02:22,760 --> 01:02:23,829 And I ain't going nowhere. 1062 01:02:23,960 --> 01:02:26,349 And if you think I'm going anywhere, you're wrong. You know why? 1063 01:02:26,480 --> 01:02:28,550 Because I will not back down, ever! 1064 01:02:28,680 --> 01:02:32,514 I've won a lot of radio contests, because I refused to get off the line! 1065 01:02:32,640 --> 01:02:36,918 If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. 1066 01:02:37,040 --> 01:02:38,598 That's how much you mean to me. 1067 01:02:38,720 --> 01:02:40,870 That was stupid that I said that. You know what? No. 1068 01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:43,355 I don't think that's stupid. I'm glad that I said that. 1069 01:02:43,840 --> 01:02:45,114 Hey, turd-face, guess what? 1070 01:02:45,240 --> 01:02:46,559 I've taken every single one of your teddy bears, 1071 01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:48,796 and I've stuffed them down my pants. 1072 01:02:48,920 --> 01:02:52,390 Hey, yikes. Sorry. 1073 01:02:53,200 --> 01:02:57,910 For about a month, my urine smelled like marshmallows. 1074 01:02:58,520 --> 01:03:01,353 Don't wanna close my eyes 1075 01:03:01,960 --> 01:03:06,556 Don't wanna fall asleep 'Cause I miss you Jimmy 1076 01:03:06,880 --> 01:03:10,316 And I don't wanna miss a thing 1077 01:03:11,040 --> 01:03:14,032 So call me back now! 1078 01:03:17,160 --> 01:03:19,594 It's Jimmy. If you can dream it, you can do it. 1079 01:03:20,200 --> 01:03:24,876 Hey, it's me again. Jimmy, please, call me back, so I can explain. 1080 01:03:26,840 --> 01:03:31,470 Wow! Nice work. Somebody got busy in a big way. 1081 01:03:31,600 --> 01:03:33,272 Scene of the crime. 1082 01:03:33,720 --> 01:03:35,836 For your information, I didn't have sex with Chazz. 1083 01:03:35,960 --> 01:03:37,313 Fine. "Make love." Whatever. 1084 01:03:37,440 --> 01:03:38,793 I didn't sleep with Chazz. 1085 01:03:38,920 --> 01:03:40,592 -What? -But congratulations! 1086 01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:43,553 -I feel as slimy as if I had. -Where do you think you're going? 1087 01:03:43,680 --> 01:03:46,433 To make this right! Jimmy needs to know the truth! 1088 01:03:46,560 --> 01:03:48,073 You would do that to your own family? 1089 01:03:48,200 --> 01:03:49,394 Don't give me that guilt trip. 1090 01:03:49,520 --> 01:03:52,637 After all we've done for you? After all you did to Mom and Dad? 1091 01:03:52,760 --> 01:03:55,069 Mom and Dad were not wearing their seatbelts 1092 01:03:55,200 --> 01:03:58,510 and they made an improper left-hand turn. 1093 01:03:59,280 --> 01:04:01,555 Come on, Katie, don't go. We love you and stuff. 1094 01:04:01,680 --> 01:04:04,319 Look, it's up to us, okay? 1095 01:04:04,440 --> 01:04:08,592 We are forced to take Michaels and MacElroy out of play, no matter what. 1096 01:04:08,720 --> 01:04:11,359 That might require some bad behaviour. 1097 01:04:12,640 --> 01:04:16,952 Hello, and welcome to day three of the Orbitz World Wintersport Games. 1098 01:04:17,080 --> 01:04:19,594 The best Chinese and Russian pairs have fallen away, 1099 01:04:19,720 --> 01:04:22,154 setting up the ultimate gold medal showdown. 1100 01:04:22,280 --> 01:04:26,956 Just two pairs remain. Both American. Both hell-bent on reaching the top. 1101 01:04:27,680 --> 01:04:31,229 And it's come down to this. Tonight, they leave it all on the ice. 1102 01:04:31,360 --> 01:04:32,554 The big story here is 1103 01:04:32,680 --> 01:04:35,513 the men's pairs figure skating team of Michaels and MacElroy. 1104 01:04:35,640 --> 01:04:37,790 These same-gendered sensations have taken 1105 01:04:37,920 --> 01:04:40,639 centre ice in the hearts of millions of skating fans everywhere. 1106 01:04:40,760 --> 01:04:42,876 They've literally taken this sport by storm. 1107 01:04:47,880 --> 01:04:48,869 Jimmy. 1108 01:04:49,120 --> 01:04:51,873 Jimmy's here at the arena, you ass. 1109 01:04:52,520 --> 01:04:55,796 He's been staring at a pack of gum for nine hours. What'd you do to him? 1110 01:04:56,040 --> 01:04:57,519 I'm on my way. 1111 01:05:03,200 --> 01:05:04,394 Taxi! 1112 01:05:10,080 --> 01:05:14,073 World Wintersport Games. And yes, I am Chazz Michael Michaels. 1113 01:05:15,520 --> 01:05:17,158 -Hey, Stranz. -Hi. 1114 01:05:19,480 --> 01:05:23,712 Skaters, please clear the ice in preparation for the pairs competition. 1115 01:05:37,160 --> 01:05:38,513 Thank you so much. 1116 01:05:39,360 --> 01:05:40,952 Oh, my gosh. Can you... 1117 01:05:43,080 --> 01:05:45,548 Sorry, Chazz. Nothing personal. 1118 01:05:48,120 --> 01:05:49,951 Actually, it's quite the opposite. 1119 01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:53,356 See, your days of stealing the spotlight are over. 1120 01:05:56,960 --> 01:05:58,871 You crazy bastard! 1121 01:06:06,880 --> 01:06:08,108 Damn it. 1122 01:06:15,160 --> 01:06:16,559 What are you doing? 1123 01:06:20,080 --> 01:06:21,672 You are evil. Pure evil! 1124 01:06:21,800 --> 01:06:24,268 Your whole family's evil! Your brother. 1125 01:06:24,840 --> 01:06:26,034 And most of all, your sister. 1126 01:06:26,160 --> 01:06:28,435 Don't even think about putting us in the same league. 1127 01:06:28,560 --> 01:06:30,835 If she was half the woman I was, she would have done her job 1128 01:06:30,960 --> 01:06:32,791 and slept with your partner like I told her to. 1129 01:06:32,920 --> 01:06:34,433 -She didn't? -No. 1130 01:06:34,560 --> 01:06:36,790 She couldn't, because of you. 1131 01:06:37,320 --> 01:06:38,799 I don't get it. 1132 01:06:41,200 --> 01:06:44,033 Gross. Get me out of here! Somebody help me! 1133 01:07:02,640 --> 01:07:05,200 Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole. 1134 01:07:05,800 --> 01:07:10,396 I'm late, sis. My hair is just not cooperating. 1135 01:07:11,800 --> 01:07:13,279 Oh, crap. 1136 01:07:17,480 --> 01:07:18,595 Okay. 1137 01:07:21,320 --> 01:07:23,436 Who's gonna save you now, Chazz? 1138 01:07:23,560 --> 01:07:27,155 Is Little Lord MacElroy gonna come and meet you down here? 1139 01:07:41,400 --> 01:07:42,958 Oh, great. 1140 01:07:55,720 --> 01:07:57,312 Hey, there! 1141 01:07:57,760 --> 01:08:01,070 What are you doing there? No. Wait, wait. It's okay. No. 1142 01:08:01,200 --> 01:08:03,350 Stranger danger! Stranger danger! 1143 01:08:03,480 --> 01:08:05,118 No, please! 1144 01:08:25,960 --> 01:08:27,837 Let's do it, Chazz! 1145 01:08:27,960 --> 01:08:31,919 All right, Stranz. Time for a little Chazzle Dazzle. 1146 01:08:44,560 --> 01:08:45,834 Beautiful. 1147 01:08:47,640 --> 01:08:49,358 I'm coming, Chazz. 1148 01:09:40,320 --> 01:09:41,958 Give me your hand. 1149 01:09:42,480 --> 01:09:44,471 -I won't hurt you. -I'm coming for you, Chazz! 1150 01:09:44,600 --> 01:09:46,192 Damn it, Stranz. 1151 01:09:47,240 --> 01:09:49,071 Have you seen Jimmy? I can't find him anywhere. 1152 01:09:49,200 --> 01:09:50,349 Oh, yeah. He was here a minute ago. 1153 01:09:50,480 --> 01:09:53,358 And if you find him, would you tell him to get his ass down here? 1154 01:10:01,160 --> 01:10:02,559 I really appreciate this. 1155 01:10:02,680 --> 01:10:06,309 That man who's chasing us is trying to kill me. So, thanks. 1156 01:10:30,000 --> 01:10:32,992 Who are you supposed to be anyway? Rod Serling? 1157 01:10:33,440 --> 01:10:34,919 JFK. 1158 01:10:36,360 --> 01:10:39,989 -It's gonna make sense. -No, no, no. It'll be fine. Yeah. 1159 01:10:41,360 --> 01:10:42,679 That's lame. 1160 01:10:47,280 --> 01:10:49,191 Try to get through that! 1161 01:10:56,240 --> 01:10:57,912 Don't make me kill her. 1162 01:11:09,160 --> 01:11:10,718 Snowflake! 1163 01:11:51,640 --> 01:11:52,789 From the United States, 1164 01:11:52,920 --> 01:11:56,310 the pairs team of Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg. 1165 01:11:58,080 --> 01:12:01,231 So, the favourites, Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg 1166 01:12:01,360 --> 01:12:02,588 now taking the ice. 1167 01:12:02,720 --> 01:12:04,278 As Marilyn Monroe and JFK, 1168 01:12:04,400 --> 01:12:07,472 they'll be dramatising a forbidden romance, Jim. 1169 01:12:07,960 --> 01:12:12,078 I take pride in the words, "lch bin ein Berliner!" 1170 01:12:26,760 --> 01:12:29,069 Calling for preparation on ice of the United States team 1171 01:12:29,200 --> 01:12:31,111 of Michaels and MacElroy. 1172 01:12:33,080 --> 01:12:35,150 Well, that was an interesting take on American history. 1173 01:12:35,280 --> 01:12:37,191 Indeed. I think it's worth noting, 1174 01:12:37,320 --> 01:12:40,551 the fantastic attention to detail this pair has demonstrated. 1175 01:12:40,680 --> 01:12:44,309 An absolutely seamless use of props integrated into choreography, 1176 01:12:44,440 --> 01:12:48,035 that is both physically impressive and artistically moving. 1177 01:12:48,160 --> 01:12:51,072 A rare ballet of ice and history. 1178 01:12:51,200 --> 01:12:54,636 And those scores keep Stranz and Fairchild in first place, 1179 01:12:54,760 --> 01:12:56,751 but Michaels and MacElroy are up next. 1180 01:12:57,200 --> 01:13:00,749 Coach! Coach! Did I make it in time? Where's Chazz? 1181 01:13:00,880 --> 01:13:01,949 Where the hell you been? 1182 01:13:02,080 --> 01:13:04,196 Your partner's not here in 30 seconds, I have to disqualify you. 1183 01:13:04,320 --> 01:13:05,275 I know, I know. 1184 01:13:06,280 --> 01:13:10,398 We're finished. Done. That's it. It's over. Damn it. Just like that. 1185 01:13:11,440 --> 01:13:13,476 Coach, he'll be here. 1186 01:13:24,800 --> 01:13:26,199 Skaters to the ice. 1187 01:13:26,320 --> 01:13:29,198 Twenty seconds to disqualification. 1188 01:13:29,320 --> 01:13:32,551 Jimmy MacElroy stands alone at centre ice. 1189 01:13:32,680 --> 01:13:35,672 And you have to wonder what is going on. 1190 01:13:35,800 --> 01:13:38,758 Well, this is Rice without Montana. 1191 01:13:39,320 --> 01:13:42,869 Ali without Frazier. Han Solo without Chewbacca. 1192 01:13:43,960 --> 01:13:45,109 Jimmy! 1193 01:13:48,760 --> 01:13:50,751 Hey, Jimmy! Jimmy! 1194 01:13:50,880 --> 01:13:52,074 Chazz! 1195 01:13:52,480 --> 01:13:56,109 Hey, I didn't sleep with Katie! 1196 01:13:56,240 --> 01:13:58,879 -I know! -We didn't even get to second base. 1197 01:13:59,000 --> 01:14:00,831 Well, maybe I did. 1198 01:14:00,960 --> 01:14:03,190 What I felt in my pants was weird and shameful. 1199 01:14:03,320 --> 01:14:04,912 Okay, we can discuss that later! 1200 01:14:05,040 --> 01:14:06,029 You kind of have to be down here right now 1201 01:14:06,160 --> 01:14:07,434 or we're gonna be disqualified! 1202 01:14:07,560 --> 01:14:09,278 Katie is not a whore! 1203 01:14:09,400 --> 01:14:12,153 Okay, I get it! Just stop talking! 1204 01:14:12,280 --> 01:14:13,599 Okay! Okay! 1205 01:14:13,720 --> 01:14:15,551 -Skaters to the ice. -Hold on! 1206 01:14:15,680 --> 01:14:18,194 Ten seconds to disqualification. 1207 01:14:21,400 --> 01:14:22,549 Wow. 1208 01:14:29,920 --> 01:14:31,035 Yeah! 1209 01:14:38,560 --> 01:14:42,075 Wow! A dramatic entrance for Chazz Michael Michaels. 1210 01:14:43,000 --> 01:14:44,592 I'm okay! 1211 01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:46,869 I'm all right! 1212 01:14:50,080 --> 01:14:51,308 I'm okay. 1213 01:14:57,080 --> 01:14:59,036 And there's another unique Michaels skill. 1214 01:14:59,160 --> 01:15:02,277 Out of his clothes in a hurry when he has to. 1215 01:15:02,400 --> 01:15:03,549 And women's skating champion 1216 01:15:03,680 --> 01:15:06,069 Sasha Cohen catches Michaels'jock strap. 1217 01:15:06,200 --> 01:15:07,997 I love you, Chazz! 1218 01:15:15,120 --> 01:15:16,917 -I made it. -I knew you would. 1219 01:15:17,360 --> 01:15:18,554 Let's capture the dream. 1220 01:15:18,680 --> 01:15:21,353 Capture the... I love it. Where'd you come up with that? 1221 01:15:21,480 --> 01:15:23,914 -I have no idea where I came up with it. -Cool. 1222 01:15:24,200 --> 01:15:26,270 -Let's kick some ice. -Okay. 1223 01:15:31,080 --> 01:15:33,913 Well, Scott, the boys seem to be using a science fiction theme tonight. 1224 01:15:34,040 --> 01:15:37,476 Fitting, considering these two men may very well be the future of the sport. 1225 01:15:37,600 --> 01:15:38,794 Well, I'll tell you something, Jim. 1226 01:15:38,920 --> 01:15:41,195 It's like these two men did beam in from outer space, 1227 01:15:41,320 --> 01:15:43,515 to flip this sport inside out. 1228 01:15:50,200 --> 01:15:51,679 The lights are on and so is this crowd. 1229 01:15:51,800 --> 01:15:54,234 A Mr Roboto to start the routine. 1230 01:15:56,480 --> 01:15:58,675 And they hit it beautifully! 1231 01:16:01,000 --> 01:16:03,800 Everything they do is drenched in drama. 1232 01:16:03,800 --> 01:16:03,879 Everything they do is drenched in drama. 1233 01:16:06,760 --> 01:16:08,830 Side-by-side skate clashes. 1234 01:16:18,640 --> 01:16:20,710 And more sparks! Look at the athleticism here! 1235 01:16:20,840 --> 01:16:22,637 No other pair in the world could do this! 1236 01:16:22,760 --> 01:16:25,035 Fireworks display in Montreal. 1237 01:16:25,160 --> 01:16:26,673 Incredible. 1238 01:16:31,680 --> 01:16:32,874 What are you doing? 1239 01:16:33,000 --> 01:16:35,798 We're freestyling. You're the steak, I'm the sizzle. 1240 01:16:35,920 --> 01:16:36,875 We didn't practise that. 1241 01:16:37,000 --> 01:16:40,197 Do it for Katie. Burn up the ice with your red hot love. 1242 01:16:54,000 --> 01:16:56,639 Michaels and MacElroy turn up the thermostat. 1243 01:16:56,760 --> 01:16:59,513 These guys put the "bone" in Zamboni. 1244 01:17:00,040 --> 01:17:01,189 It's over. 1245 01:17:01,320 --> 01:17:02,753 All the endorsements, everything gone. 1246 01:17:02,880 --> 01:17:05,075 Oh, my God, I can't get a real job. It'll kill me. 1247 01:17:05,200 --> 01:17:08,033 God, I have to do everything in this family. 1248 01:17:20,360 --> 01:17:22,920 A serious stumble in an otherwise perfect routine. 1249 01:17:23,040 --> 01:17:25,998 Perfection's what they need if they want to beat Stranz and Fairchild. 1250 01:17:26,120 --> 01:17:28,076 -I think I broke my ankle. -What? 1251 01:17:28,200 --> 01:17:30,475 I'm gonna put some weight on it to see. 1252 01:17:33,240 --> 01:17:36,232 I don't know, Scott. I'm not sure, interpretive dance moves 1253 01:17:36,360 --> 01:17:37,839 are gonna win these judges over. 1254 01:17:37,960 --> 01:17:39,916 -What the hell are they doing? -Something's wrong. 1255 01:17:40,040 --> 01:17:42,508 I can't do the Lotus with a shattered ankle. 1256 01:17:42,640 --> 01:17:44,870 I'm just a man, for God's sake. 1257 01:17:46,040 --> 01:17:47,234 We'll switch places. 1258 01:17:47,360 --> 01:17:49,635 I swear to God, if you cut my head off. 1259 01:17:52,480 --> 01:17:54,471 They're going for the lron Lotus, in reverse. 1260 01:17:54,600 --> 01:17:56,955 My God. This is happening all over again. 1261 01:18:00,120 --> 01:18:02,509 They're picking up speed for something spectacular. 1262 01:18:02,640 --> 01:18:04,631 Looks like they might be trying something 1263 01:18:04,760 --> 01:18:06,239 I have never seen done. 1264 01:18:06,360 --> 01:18:08,715 It is the fabled Iron Lotus. 1265 01:18:08,840 --> 01:18:12,196 No! Don't do it! I was wrong! It's suicide! 1266 01:18:54,840 --> 01:18:57,991 And they nail it! Unbelievable performance! 1267 01:18:58,120 --> 01:19:00,680 This crowd is going wild! They're on their feet! 1268 01:19:00,800 --> 01:19:04,952 I never thought I'd see it with my own eyes, the fabled Iron Lotus! 1269 01:19:05,080 --> 01:19:08,072 A historic event here in Montreal. 1270 01:19:08,200 --> 01:19:11,112 Michaels and MacElroy have brought the legend to life. 1271 01:19:11,360 --> 01:19:13,237 Scott, I seem to have wet my pants. 1272 01:19:13,360 --> 01:19:15,237 Chazz, Chazz. We did it! 1273 01:19:15,720 --> 01:19:17,756 -Did we win? -I don't know. 1274 01:19:18,360 --> 01:19:20,351 I think I see the Virgin Mary. 1275 01:19:20,480 --> 01:19:22,118 No. That's not her. 1276 01:19:26,600 --> 01:19:29,319 We got you, Mr Michaels. Let's go. 1277 01:19:31,600 --> 01:19:33,079 -Oh, I don't wanna die. -You'll be okay. 1278 01:19:33,200 --> 01:19:36,431 -I don't wanna die. -Take a huff of that. Here we go. 1279 01:19:36,560 --> 01:19:38,039 I'm gonna have to cut your pants off. 1280 01:19:38,160 --> 01:19:41,596 Okay, but start up near the crotch. That's a better access point. 1281 01:19:53,760 --> 01:19:54,954 You were incredible. 1282 01:19:55,080 --> 01:19:58,356 Really? I thought my landing was all bad... 1283 01:20:03,080 --> 01:20:04,718 You've been practising. 1284 01:20:04,840 --> 01:20:06,956 Chazz taught me some stuff. 1285 01:20:19,600 --> 01:20:21,079 Stranz Van Waldenberg. 1286 01:20:21,200 --> 01:20:24,829 You're under arrest for the desecration of an international icon. 1287 01:20:24,960 --> 01:20:26,188 Snowflake. 1288 01:20:27,280 --> 01:20:30,158 -lt was her idea. She broke his ankle! -What? 1289 01:20:31,240 --> 01:20:32,434 You idiot! 1290 01:20:32,560 --> 01:20:33,913 I hate you. 1291 01:20:40,800 --> 01:20:42,358 Come on now. Let's get out of here. 1292 01:20:42,480 --> 01:20:44,550 And that's why I was a sex addict. 1293 01:20:44,680 --> 01:20:46,875 Because no one ever loved me. 1294 01:20:47,560 --> 01:20:50,074 But I learned something here today. 1295 01:20:50,200 --> 01:20:53,192 That ice doesn't belong here. 1296 01:20:54,200 --> 01:20:55,952 It belongs out there. 1297 01:20:56,200 --> 01:20:59,351 Out on the ice in an ice rink. 1298 01:21:00,400 --> 01:21:02,516 I never had a father, okay? 1299 01:21:03,000 --> 01:21:04,592 But I don't care! 1300 01:21:04,960 --> 01:21:07,235 Because now I've got a brother. 1301 01:21:09,240 --> 01:21:10,878 This is my brother! 1302 01:21:11,160 --> 01:21:13,833 And this is my brother's new girlfriend. 1303 01:21:15,480 --> 01:21:17,436 And she is not a whore. 1304 01:21:18,320 --> 01:21:20,880 I'm in a lot of pain. I feel like I'm gonna barf. 1305 01:21:21,000 --> 01:21:23,719 Chazz, they got to get you to a hospital. Come on. 1306 01:21:23,840 --> 01:21:27,469 No. And miss the smell of sweet gold? 1307 01:21:29,080 --> 01:21:30,672 Not on your life. 1308 01:21:42,320 --> 01:21:43,469 Thank you. 1309 01:21:46,080 --> 01:21:49,550 Jimmy, you did it! The gold medal, baby! You did it! 1310 01:21:49,680 --> 01:21:52,433 I wanna wear the gold medal, naked. 1311 01:21:53,120 --> 01:21:54,473 Thank you. 1312 01:22:01,360 --> 01:22:05,273 I've got something I wanna show you. I had it done last weekend. 1313 01:22:08,360 --> 01:22:12,592 That's you, the wolf that runs with the Lone Wolf. 1314 01:22:12,720 --> 01:22:15,951 So that the Lone Wolf never has to be alone again. 1315 01:22:16,080 --> 01:22:18,036 That's how much you mean to me, bro. 1316 01:22:18,160 --> 01:22:19,479 You were drunk when you got it, weren't you? 1317 01:22:19,600 --> 01:22:21,591 Yes. Absolutely hammered. 1318 01:22:22,440 --> 01:22:24,715 -Welcome to the pack. -Thanks. 1319 01:22:26,200 --> 01:22:27,713 Let's get outta here. 1320 01:22:27,840 --> 01:22:29,239 -Now? -Yeah. 1321 01:24:15,320 --> 01:24:16,833 USA! 1322 01:24:17,320 --> 01:24:20,676 The gold medal has been won by Jimmy and Chazz, 1323 01:24:20,800 --> 01:24:23,030 thanks to Hector's idea! 1324 01:24:23,680 --> 01:24:25,033 We did it, Hector! 1325 01:24:25,200 --> 01:24:26,918 Boom! We sure did. 1326 01:24:27,360 --> 01:24:29,794 Thank you, Hector. He did it for us. 1327 01:24:30,440 --> 01:24:31,873 Where is Hector? 1328 01:24:32,000 --> 01:24:34,639 Here I am, guys. We did it. High-fives. 1329 01:24:35,080 --> 01:24:37,833 Cool. Way to go, guys. Gold medal. 1330 01:24:37,960 --> 01:24:40,713 You guys are the best. Hey, Jimmy? 1331 01:24:40,840 --> 01:24:42,353 Yeah, Hector? 1332 01:24:42,800 --> 01:24:44,916 Can you give me a time-out here with Chazz? 1333 01:24:45,040 --> 01:24:46,553 Yeah, sure. Are you crying? 1334 01:24:46,680 --> 01:24:48,352 No. I'm fine. 1335 01:24:48,800 --> 01:24:52,190 Okay. I'll go over here. Sandwich. 1336 01:24:52,840 --> 01:24:54,478 Hey. Chazz? 1337 01:24:54,960 --> 01:24:56,598 What is it? Boom. 1338 01:24:56,720 --> 01:24:59,632 I just wanna say you guys are partners now. 1339 01:25:00,120 --> 01:25:01,758 I've been friends with him forever, 1340 01:25:01,880 --> 01:25:03,950 and you take good care of him. 1341 01:25:04,080 --> 01:25:05,559 I will. Boom. 1342 01:25:05,680 --> 01:25:07,557 He just, he loves food. 1343 01:25:07,680 --> 01:25:10,433 And he likes dreams and whispers 1344 01:25:10,560 --> 01:25:12,915 and his favourite movie is Short Circuit 1345 01:25:13,040 --> 01:25:14,917 and Fried Green Tomatoes. 1346 01:25:15,040 --> 01:25:17,634 And just watch over him. All right? 1347 01:25:17,760 --> 01:25:20,558 I will. Boom. You have my word. High-five. 1348 01:25:21,200 --> 01:25:22,633 God bless you. 1349 01:25:23,080 --> 01:25:25,275 Sweet. Jimmy, you can come back. 1350 01:25:25,400 --> 01:25:27,197 What you guys were talking about? 1351 01:25:27,320 --> 01:25:29,151 Just stuff, you know. 1352 01:25:29,280 --> 01:25:31,396 Hey, guys, you're amazing. 1353 01:25:31,520 --> 01:25:33,954 I just wanna say keep dreaming 1354 01:25:34,320 --> 01:25:36,959 because there's a lot of dreams to be had. 1355 01:25:37,080 --> 01:25:38,308 USA. 1356 01:25:40,520 --> 01:25:41,748 USA.